Full Transcript for Porn, Perversion, and the Power of Shame Feat. Kendra King

00:04:27.480 and I would do it and stop, but it didn't. 73 00:04:27.720 --> 00:04:30.800 It's one of those strategies where it makes sense, but 74 00:04:30.920 --> 00:04:33.240 it don't make sense. And it's like the more I 75 00:04:33.319 --> 00:04:36.079 kept doing it and stay consistent with it, I started 76 00:04:36.079 --> 00:04:38.800 to see increase. So that's for somebody like I said, 77 00:04:38.839 --> 00:04:41.439 we're not even five minutes saying crazy. All right, y'all, 78 00:04:41.480 --> 00:04:44.399 so let's go ahead and jump into this week's meaning. 79 00:04:44.600 --> 00:04:48.000 Slease are nine. I'm making the memes a little more dramatic. 80 00:04:48.199 --> 00:04:51.800 I always said my memes were inspired by I can't 81 00:04:51.800 --> 00:04:55.439 say justin Little Boy only because I was doing memes 82 00:04:55.439 --> 00:04:57.959 with the podcast before him. Well he wasn't doing it 83 00:04:57.959 --> 00:05:00.240 with his podcast, but you get what I'm saying. Before 84 00:05:00.279 --> 00:05:01.879 he had came out and blew up and become the 85 00:05:01.920 --> 00:05:05.319 sensation that he is but getting more. But you've always seen, 86 00:05:05.319 --> 00:05:07.639 they've heard mean page just the beginning of time with Instagram. 87 00:05:07.720 --> 00:05:09.240 That was my inspiration. And like I said, this is 88 00:05:09.240 --> 00:05:11.680 a tactic I've been doing since the very first episode. 89 00:05:11.800 --> 00:05:14.639 But this week Season's nine means I want to be 90 00:05:14.680 --> 00:05:17.399 a little more intense. So the mean for this week 91 00:05:17.480 --> 00:05:21.120 reason stop. This is your sign not press play. Do 92 00:05:21.240 --> 00:05:25.360 not watch that corn video today. Your future self will 93 00:05:25.399 --> 00:05:29.399 thank you. Say. Strong inspiration from this video for this 94 00:05:29.439 --> 00:05:31.560 episode to that comes from you know, we all had 95 00:05:31.560 --> 00:05:33.560 struggled with it, especially if you claim to be a believer, 96 00:05:33.600 --> 00:05:36.120 because this is for people who believe us full blown 97 00:05:36.199 --> 00:05:39.519 families came out of all types of stuff and still 98 00:05:39.560 --> 00:05:42.639 struggle with that, you know, or you know, the temptation 99 00:05:43.199 --> 00:05:46.279 to go back to that. Another inspisson came from with 100 00:05:46.360 --> 00:05:48.600 this episode. You know, I did my ninety day cleanse 101 00:05:48.680 --> 00:05:51.800 right and in the ninety days it was no alcohol 102 00:05:52.040 --> 00:05:56.240 besides at one time, but but it was at one time, 103 00:05:56.360 --> 00:06:01.560 but besides that, it was no alcohol. Seven to ten 104 00:06:01.639 --> 00:06:05.519 pages of the book to day waking up by seven, 105 00:06:06.279 --> 00:06:09.680 you know, no porn or corn whatever we few minute 106 00:06:09.680 --> 00:06:11.240 sing it should be all right now and I'm only 107 00:06:11.279 --> 00:06:13.040 doing it because you know, you two be tripping. 108 00:06:12.800 --> 00:06:12.959 But. 109 00:06:14.399 --> 00:06:18.040 And what else it was eat one raw meal of 110 00:06:18.040 --> 00:06:23.480 the day and daily affirmations decrease, you know. So of 111 00:06:23.519 --> 00:06:26.720 course the beauty of what I'm doing that though, was 112 00:06:26.759 --> 00:06:28.920 to show that even when you have your slip ups, 113 00:06:29.000 --> 00:06:31.920 keep going, because sometimes people slip up and think, oh man, 114 00:06:31.959 --> 00:06:34.360 I didnet messed up? You know, or say, for instance, 115 00:06:34.360 --> 00:06:37.439 when you are doing your streaks with you know, maybe cussing, 116 00:06:37.639 --> 00:06:40.160 or maybe with you know, the porn thinking you thinking 117 00:06:40.160 --> 00:06:43.240 you did something, they say you hit forty days no porn, 118 00:06:43.279 --> 00:06:45.680 then our forty one come, you hit the streak and 119 00:06:45.759 --> 00:06:47.759 you break the streak. Now you think your life is over, 120 00:06:48.000 --> 00:06:50.639 and it's like, no, get back up, keep going. And 121 00:06:50.680 --> 00:06:53.279 that's what we need to see more of a lot 122 00:06:53.279 --> 00:06:54.920 of times, I feel like we see more of the 123 00:06:54.959 --> 00:06:57.480 people who've gotten over it, which we need to see, 124 00:06:57.680 --> 00:07:00.240 but sometimes we don't see the people in the process. 125 00:07:00.480 --> 00:07:03.759 So hopefully this podcast will get a lot of that 126 00:07:03.839 --> 00:07:07.160 going on, especially this episode, and hopefully got a lot 127 00:07:07.160 --> 00:07:09.000 of good engagement, because I know the clips for this 128 00:07:09.079 --> 00:07:11.560 one gonna go crazy. All right, So let's jump into 129 00:07:11.600 --> 00:07:15.040 this week's happy hour, all right, And for this happy hour, 130 00:07:15.079 --> 00:07:19.800 I just want to talk about entertainment. Yeah, yeah, let's 131 00:07:19.839 --> 00:07:24.000 do that. So what have you been watching? What have 132 00:07:24.120 --> 00:07:26.639 you been engaged in that has been taking a lot 133 00:07:26.680 --> 00:07:29.600 of your time? I think we can all, you know, 134 00:07:29.680 --> 00:07:32.920 call ourselves to the carpet men, especially me, women too, 135 00:07:32.920 --> 00:07:37.800 I'm sure. But with because ultimately porn is a foreigner entertainment. 136 00:07:37.879 --> 00:07:41.040 But what but even just not even just with that, 137 00:07:41.079 --> 00:07:43.319 Let's talk about this. So let's talk about doom scrolling, 138 00:07:43.639 --> 00:07:46.000 Let's talk about playing a game, Let's talk about talking 139 00:07:46.000 --> 00:07:50.480 on the phone. Let's talk about just, you know, doing 140 00:07:50.519 --> 00:07:53.560 something that is taking too much of your time, and 141 00:07:53.920 --> 00:07:58.519 you being bound by entertainment. You then sit up here. 142 00:07:58.560 -->

00:08:01.279 You've been supposed to make that call, You've been supposed 143 00:08:01.319 --> 00:08:04.959 to go and start dinner, You're supposed to go make 144 00:08:04.959 --> 00:08:06.800 that errand but you get caught up and doing something 145 00:08:06.839 --> 00:08:08.759 you ain't supposed to be doing, or something that you 146 00:08:08.800 --> 00:08:13.319 know ain't nothing necessarily wrong with it inherently, but because 147 00:08:13.360 --> 00:08:15.920 it's taking up time and it's a distraction. I know, 148 00:08:16.000 --> 00:08:19.279 TikTok gets a distraction for most people. I know Instagram 149 00:08:19.319 --> 00:08:21.839 is a distraction for most people. If you're a content creator, 150 00:08:21.879 --> 00:08:25.519 which I really use my time where if I'm doom scrolling, 151 00:08:26.040 --> 00:08:30.360 at least at least I'm going to engage with people 152 00:08:30.360 --> 00:08:32.639 in my niche so that even if I'm like now, 153 00:08:32.720 --> 00:08:34.240 I spend lots on my social media because like, well 154 00:08:34.279 --> 00:08:37.159 you know what, I was engaging and getting more, you know, 155 00:08:38.240 --> 00:08:42.120 pushed towards my channel. If you're gonna doom scroll, I'm 156 00:08:42.159 --> 00:08:44.039 still not an advocate for that, though. You still need 157 00:08:44.080 --> 00:08:45.600 to have a cutoff time. But you can't be on 158 00:08:45.679 --> 00:08:48.600 your phone scrolling. You look up. You didn't wasted two hours. 159 00:08:49.039 --> 00:08:51.919 Have you ever woke up in the morning, I know 160 00:08:52.000 --> 00:08:53.720 at seven at the times I was getting up every 161 00:08:53.759 --> 00:08:56.879 morning by seven, and then you thinking, oh I didn't 162 00:08:56.919 --> 00:08:59.080 did it? I'm up, I'm up and you just got 163 00:08:59.120 --> 00:09:01.519 on your phone. You look up? You just s been 164 00:09:01.559 --> 00:09:03.759 an hour and a half on the phone doing nothing, 165 00:09:04.720 --> 00:09:11.080 looking trying to fulfill that like feel that fix that itch, 166 00:09:11.159 --> 00:09:14.639 you know, you scratching like Tyrone Bigghams on Dave Spell Show. 167 00:09:14.679 --> 00:09:19.600 Remember that show, Remember Tyrone Biggams just like that the butt. 168 00:09:20.320 --> 00:09:22.240 Now let's talk about the other typic. Let's talk about 169 00:09:22.279 --> 00:09:28.600 when it comes to porn. So what happens when you 170 00:09:28.759 --> 00:09:31.919 introduced to it too early? You know, we talked about 171 00:09:31.960 --> 00:09:35.080 on the Mental Man live stream some months ago and 172 00:09:35.159 --> 00:09:37.519 I talked me and shout out to Tevin el Chappo, 173 00:09:38.039 --> 00:09:43.360 and we were talking about Neo and his polyamory, polygamy, 174 00:09:43.440 --> 00:09:46.080 you know, and how his baby mama was upset because 175 00:09:46.559 --> 00:09:52.799 he told his children about his alternative lifestyle. Now, Tevin 176 00:09:53.000 --> 00:09:55.080 made up a good point talking about he knew somebody 177 00:09:55.120 --> 00:09:56.879 that lived the lifestyle like that and it was a 178 00:09:56.879 --> 00:09:59.320 form of and that person openly said it was a 179 00:09:59.440 --> 00:10:03.080 hyper were hyper sexual. But as I stated on their 180 00:10:03.120 --> 00:10:05.639 live stream, and I'm gonna get the clip so you know, 181 00:10:05.679 --> 00:10:09.960 I ain't no liar. When you are hyper sexual like that, 182 00:10:10.679 --> 00:10:13.759 I always ask, especially as an adult, because one thing 183 00:10:13.799 --> 00:10:16.519 when dudes, especially lose their virginities, they be hyper sexual 184 00:10:16.559 --> 00:10:21.000 in them young years. But once you hit about twenty 185 00:10:21.320 --> 00:10:24.799 thirty and you still hyper sexual, I have to wonder 186 00:10:26.320 --> 00:10:30.480 what happened to you? And this is not judgment. There's 187 00:10:30.519 --> 00:10:34.679 no condemnation for those in Christ. But was you touched 188 00:10:34.720 --> 00:10:36.440 as a child? You don't have to answer that. Please 189 00:10:36.440 --> 00:10:38.960 don't answer on the public platform unless you are leg 190 00:10:40.039 --> 00:10:42.399 Unless you're leg sometimes you are leg. Well, where you 191 00:10:42.480 --> 00:10:44.799 touched as a child, where you introduced to sex a 192 00:10:44.799 --> 00:10:47.639 little too early, like what happened to make that happen 193 00:10:47.679 --> 00:10:50.759 to you? Because I hear stories about people like every 194 00:10:50.799 --> 00:10:52.840 time we go somewhere, we girl, they looking at it, Man, 195 00:10:52.879 --> 00:10:54.960 I need that, Oh I need that right now, and 196 00:10:54.960 --> 00:10:59.960 they trying. It's just like relax, but you're telling something 197 00:11:00.279 --> 00:11:03.440 to do something that they ultimately cannot do. And that's 198 00:11:03.480 --> 00:11:06.919 a great segue because now, hopefully there are many resources 199 00:11:06.919 --> 00:11:09.039 out there, but we haven't had one on PSA and 200 00:11:09.120 --> 00:11:11.559 y'all tune in every week, so this is a topic 201 00:11:11.600 --> 00:11:13.960 I've been wanting to talk about for a very long time. 202 00:11:14.679 --> 00:11:16.799 I would have somebody and they left, but I clearly 203 00:11:16.840 --> 00:11:19.679 this person was the right person for the job. She's 204 00:11:19.759 --> 00:11:25.399 somebody who specializes in betrayal, trauma, sex and porn addicts, 205 00:11:25.440 --> 00:11:27.759 which again, we got to get to the root of 206 00:11:27.759 --> 00:11:29.279 why you're doing it, because a lot of us attack 207 00:11:29.320 --> 00:11:31.480 the fruit but not the root. So be prepared to 208 00:11:31.519 --> 00:11:34.159 hear a lot of that this episode. She has an 209 00:11:34.159 --> 00:11:39.639 interesting background herself, and honestly, I can tell you now 210 00:11:39.679 --> 00:11:42.759 just based on a

little conversation that I had, she 211 00:11:42.879 --> 00:11:44.960 gonna kind of be hitting some of y'all in the mouth, 212 00:11:46.279 --> 00:11:50.480 not physically, but with these words and facts. So let 213 00:11:50.519 --> 00:11:51.519 me go ahead and introduce her. 214 00:11:51.559 --> 00:11:58.919 Now, I'm sorry, but I wasn't prepared for all that. 215 00:11:59.039 --> 00:12:02.480 But hey, that was awesome. 216 00:12:02.600 --> 00:12:03.279 I love that. 217 00:12:03.679 --> 00:12:07.000 Thank you, thank you, thank you. So obviously my people 218 00:12:08.440 --> 00:12:10.519 visually they can you two people can see. But for 219 00:12:10.679 --> 00:12:13.240 my audio people, can you tell people what's your name? 220 00:12:13.399 --> 00:12:15.480 Where are you from? And then where you live? Now? 221 00:12:17.200 --> 00:12:21.600 Okay, so my name for the listeners, my name is 222 00:12:21.639 --> 00:12:25.399 Kendrick King, and I'm from a lot of places. However, 223 00:12:25.679 --> 00:12:29.559 I spent the majority of my time, well the longest 224 00:12:29.559 --> 00:12:34.639 time here in Charlotte, North Carolina, for the past eighteen years. 225 00:12:39.039 --> 00:12:42.000 Okay, okay, Now I've heard good things about Charlotte. I 226 00:12:42.039 --> 00:12:45.399 still haven't been there, Like do y'all? Is it like 227 00:12:45.480 --> 00:12:46.480 places to hike? There? 228 00:12:47.240 --> 00:12:50.200 There are They're not in Charlotte, but on the outskirts 229 00:12:50.200 --> 00:12:52.919 of Charlotte we have we have Crowders Mountain. 230 00:12:53.279 --> 00:12:57.840 We have the lake nearby as well. So there are places. 231 00:12:57.399 --> 00:13:01.600 Where you can go to get your nature. 232 00:13:03.759 --> 00:13:05.559 And now can you tell the people what it is 233 00:13:05.600 --> 00:13:06.080 that you do? 234 00:13:06.639 --> 00:13:06.919 Sure? 235 00:13:07.360 --> 00:13:11.559 So, I am a clinical therapist. I specialize in sex 236 00:13:11.600 --> 00:13:15.360 and point addiction of fair recovery and sex therapy. 237 00:13:16.320 --> 00:13:20.440 Okay, Okay, Now I briefly mentioned the phrase betrayal trauma, 238 00:13:20.440 --> 00:13:22.480 which before you I had actually never heard that. But 239 00:13:22.559 --> 00:13:25.279 that's something you specialize in. So can you tell the 240 00:13:25.279 --> 00:13:29.320 people how it difference from other forms of emotional trauma, other. 241 00:13:29.240 --> 00:13:31.879 Forms of emotional trauma versus betrayal trauma. 242 00:13:31.879 --> 00:13:35.360 Betrayal trauma, for the most part, consists of in those 243 00:13:35.399 --> 00:13:39.320 intimate relationships with your significant other, spouse, partner. 244 00:13:39.399 --> 00:13:43.679 However you want to label your a person when it. 245 00:13:43.679 --> 00:13:47.240 Comes to there's emotional betrayal, there's physical betrayal. 246 00:13:48.080 --> 00:13:50.080 There's just different levels of betrayal. 247 00:13:50.120 --> 00:13:53.600 However, all of it still necessarily hits the same and 248 00:13:53.720 --> 00:14:00.919 so I specialize in partner betrayal trauma and partner recovery therapy. 249 00:14:01.600 --> 00:14:04.879 Okay, And just a quick just like I said, just 250 00:14:04.879 --> 00:14:08.399 getting the full feel on everything. How did you get 251 00:14:08.440 --> 00:14:08.759 into that? 252 00:14:08.879 --> 00:14:08.960 Like? 253 00:14:09.000 --> 00:14:11.200 What made you say I need to be the person 254 00:14:11.240 --> 00:14:11.799 for this job. 255 00:14:13.759 --> 00:14:15.720 So I'm very different. 256 00:14:15.759 --> 00:14:17.679 I always have been, and it took me a while 257 00:14:17.720 --> 00:14:21.000 to walk into that calling and walking into that purpose. 258 00:14:21.600 --> 00:14:24.720 And so when it came to being a therapist, I 259 00:14:24.840 --> 00:14:28.919 essentially wanted that for that particular career field as well. 260 00:14:29.240 --> 00:14:32.240 So I started out with you know, general mental health, 261 00:14:32.759 --> 00:14:37.399 substance abuse. And then I fell upon a private group 262 00:14:37.480 --> 00:14:42.559 practice who specialized in sex and port addiction, sex therapy 263 00:14:42.720 --> 00:14:45.480 and a fair recovery and I was just like, oh, 264 00:14:46.000 --> 00:14:48.759 that's where I need to be because that sounds really 265 00:14:48.840 --> 00:14:52.320 interesting and I really can connect with all those things. 266 00:14:52.519 --> 00:14:55.759 So that is how it all started. And I've been 267 00:14:55.879 --> 00:14:59.960 in this for the past six years. I have specialized. 268 00:15:02.639 --> 00:15:07.320 Okay. Now, usually when people are advocates for something, there's 269 00:15:07.360 --> 00:15:10.360 usually something that they struggle with themselves. You know, there 270 00:15:10.360 --> 00:15:13.440 are some things that I've been an advocant for. Some 271 00:15:13.519 --> 00:15:15.399 of them I know I'll be more for in the future, 272 00:15:15.559 --> 00:15:17.679 like you know, but one in particular thing, and this 273 00:15:17.759 --> 00:15:19.879 is not the most extreme thing, but one thing I've 274 00:15:19.879 --> 00:15:22.960 been an advocate for is people having bad friends. And 275 00:15:23.120 --> 00:15:24.799 let me explain, because growing up, I had a lot 276 00:15:24.799 --> 00:15:28.120 of bad friends. And so now I am like you, 277 00:15:28.279 --> 00:15:30.519 my friend, I'm like, that's not your friends. Stay away 278 00:15:30.559 --> 00:15:34.639 from them. There, you ain't paying attention and I'm telling 279 00:15:34.679 --> 00:15:36.080 you it ain't your friend, and to come back later 280 00:15:36.120 --> 00:15:38.919 and they be like, oh, you was right, yeah there. 281 00:15:39.279 --> 00:15:42.120 So were you ever affected by any of these things? 282 00:15:42.200 --> 00:15:45.519 And once you overcame them, you decided to say, you 283 00:15:45.559

--> 00:15:47.399 know what, let me go and help others. 284 00:15:47.879 --> 00:15:50.759 Well, you know what, I've been affected by all of 285 00:15:50.799 --> 00:15:55.480 these things, whether it be directly or indirectly. Childhood was 286 00:15:55.519 --> 00:15:59.360 definitely a thing. Adolescence it was definitely a thing. Adulthood 287 00:15:59.360 --> 00:16:03.919 it was definitely So you know, when you've been exposed 288 00:16:03.919 --> 00:16:08.159 to these things for so long, you start engaging in 289 00:16:08.240 --> 00:16:13.240 similar behaviors. So when I came upon this genre or 290 00:16:13.279 --> 00:16:16.840 this niche or this specialization, I was just like, Oh, 291 00:16:16.960 --> 00:16:19.080 they tell us all the time that you know, in 292 00:16:19.200 --> 00:16:21.559 order to be a therapist or counselor you know, you. 293 00:16:21.519 --> 00:16:22.480 Got to start with yourself. 294 00:16:22.919 --> 00:16:27.840 Yeah, that's that's surface level, right, talking about depression, anxiety, 295 00:16:28.080 --> 00:16:32.240 stuff like that, relationships, being able to establish boundaries. Ain't 296 00:16:32.320 --> 00:16:36.879 nobody talking about how do you deal with like sexual things. 297 00:16:36.919 --> 00:16:38.919 Don't nobody want to talk about sexual things. 298 00:16:38.960 --> 00:16:43.679 It's like this whole taboo topic, but everybody's engaging in 299 00:16:43.720 --> 00:16:46.559 it and whatever shape or form they're engaging in, and 300 00:16:46.600 --> 00:16:49.399 people making judgments based off of other people's actions, and 301 00:16:49.440 --> 00:16:52.279 it's just a hot mess when it comes to sex. 302 00:16:52.759 --> 00:16:56.840 So when I was able to learn about these things, 303 00:16:56.879 --> 00:17:01.399 I did a lot of introspection. I was just like, oh, okay, 304 00:17:01.440 --> 00:17:04.119 in this shape this and that's how I engaged in that, 305 00:17:04.319 --> 00:17:10.640 and just like oh okay. So essentially, or the moral 306 00:17:10.640 --> 00:17:13.359 of the story is when you don't have a healthy 307 00:17:13.400 --> 00:17:19.920 sexuality foundation, that will set you up for unhealthy sexual 308 00:17:20.319 --> 00:17:21.759 patterns or behaviors. 309 00:17:23.039 --> 00:17:26.640 Now, how does discovering a partner sex or porn addiction 310 00:17:26.759 --> 00:17:28.960 affect someone's self worth and mental health? 311 00:17:29.480 --> 00:17:33.519 Oh well, I'm not enough for you number one? 312 00:17:34.119 --> 00:17:36.359 You know, well, why couldn't you engage in those things 313 00:17:36.359 --> 00:17:39.839 with me? Or depending on what they discovered they were watching, 314 00:17:39.960 --> 00:17:44.400 it's just like who are you? You know, so there's 315 00:17:44.400 --> 00:17:46.160 a lot of internalizing that happens. 316 00:17:46.200 --> 00:17:48.160 Go ahead, No, no, no, I was just I just 317 00:17:48.200 --> 00:17:50.240 thought about something because I remember it was a podcast. 318 00:17:50.279 --> 00:17:53.119 I think it was. I actually quoted this in like 319 00:17:53.480 --> 00:17:55.759 an episode two seasons ago, but I instantly just saw 320 00:17:55.759 --> 00:17:57.480 the vision of it in my head again. It was 321 00:17:58.079 --> 00:18:00.400 it was lex and I think they was The Poor Minds. 322 00:18:00.400 --> 00:18:01.960 I think that's the name they podcast, And it was 323 00:18:02.000 --> 00:18:03.599 a clip. It was just a viral clip and they 324 00:18:03.599 --> 00:18:08.079 were talking about bring back Shame, and they said it 325 00:18:08.119 --> 00:18:10.079 from the angle of listen, this is listen, this is 326 00:18:10.079 --> 00:18:12.680 why they said, because I don't we're not supposed to 327 00:18:12.720 --> 00:18:15.039 be shamed. But here, but here's why they said it. 328 00:18:15.079 --> 00:18:17.440 They said it from the angle of people were openly 329 00:18:18.079 --> 00:18:21.640 cheating with people's husbands and wives, and it was like 330 00:18:21.680 --> 00:18:23.799 a yeah, a haa haa haa, And it was like 331 00:18:23.839 --> 00:18:26.200 back in the day, you hid that, and now people 332 00:18:26.279 --> 00:18:29.519 are celebrating that. So when they said bring back shame, 333 00:18:29.559 --> 00:18:31.279 it was like, we need to bring back shame because 334 00:18:31.279 --> 00:18:31.960 that's not okay. 335 00:18:32.559 --> 00:18:35.160 So I would be careful with that word. I wouldn't 336 00:18:35.200 --> 00:18:36.400 say bring back shame. 337 00:18:36.640 --> 00:18:40.920 I would say bring back morals, bring back values, bring 338 00:18:41.000 --> 00:18:44.440 back if that happened to you, how would you feel, bring. 339 00:18:44.240 --> 00:18:49.839 That self respect? Uh, bring back conviction. I would move. 340 00:18:50.119 --> 00:18:52.640 I would move to use that type of language as 341 00:18:52.640 --> 00:18:56.480 opposed to shame, because shame in general is negative. 342 00:18:56.640 --> 00:18:59.519 I don't care how you frame it right and I 343 00:18:59.559 --> 00:19:01.480 think that and I ain't meant it to be funny. 344 00:19:01.480 --> 00:19:03.599 But when I unpacked it, it's more so like you said, 345 00:19:03.599 --> 00:19:06.920 bring back morals, but also too, I think they like 346 00:19:08.039 --> 00:19:10.759 you and in their perspective of the situation, and I'm 347 00:19:10.759 --> 00:19:13.000 bringing it home with the whole porn thing. I think 348 00:19:13.000 --> 00:19:15.839 from their perspective. They were saying, like you should be 349 00:19:15.960 --> 00:19:18.720 shame of that, you should not be celebrating that. So 350 00:19:18.839 --> 00:19:20.359 that's most of the thing that they're coming from. And 351 00:19:20.400 --> 00:19:23.440 I think, like you said, when you find out somebody's 352 00:19:23.480 --> 00:19:25.680 even if it's a friend, and you find out what 353 00:19:25.720 --> 00:19:29.400 they was watching, and you like,

that's what you like, 354 00:19:29.400 --> 00:19:31.440 like you you go, you don't naturally look at them 355 00:19:31.480 --> 00:19:34.559 crazy because it's like what because because like I said, 356 00:19:34.599 --> 00:19:36.559 my first thought is gonna be like, so, what happened 357 00:19:36.559 --> 00:19:39.440 to you? You know, and you asked that and curiate 358 00:19:39.440 --> 00:19:42.880 out of curiosity, but it does come off shameful, and 359 00:19:42.920 --> 00:19:44.640 it's like you're not trying to be but you just 360 00:19:44.759 --> 00:19:46.519 kind of like because I know it's you know, you 361 00:19:46.519 --> 00:19:48.359 hear some stories and of course you in that industry 362 00:19:48.359 --> 00:19:50.839 where you probably heard somebody. They was like, yeah, then 363 00:19:50.920 --> 00:19:55.799 my wife was watching this, so my husband's watching this. Okay, Yeah, 364 00:19:56.880 --> 00:19:57.359 I just. 365 00:19:57.920 --> 00:20:01.119 Hit them with this the okay because you're tone matters, 366 00:20:02.160 --> 00:20:06.279 the words that you use matter, and so they already 367 00:20:06.319 --> 00:20:09.160 feel whatever they feel because they come here and then 368 00:20:09.160 --> 00:20:12.640 they partner, spouse, whoever's bringing them here, so it's already 369 00:20:12.759 --> 00:20:16.000 just like I already feel bad enough. But as you're 370 00:20:16.039 --> 00:20:19.759 trying to draw out the root, as you say, of 371 00:20:19.839 --> 00:20:20.480 these things. 372 00:20:20.799 --> 00:20:22.920 You got to be able to have. 373 00:20:22.839 --> 00:20:31.960 A a level of respect for their humanity and cast 374 00:20:32.000 --> 00:20:34.839 out that judgment because we all got stuff. 375 00:20:34.960 --> 00:20:38.160 It's just whether we know about your stuff. 376 00:20:37.920 --> 00:20:41.799 Or not, right, and. 377 00:20:40.599 --> 00:20:42.799 It's all unhealthy when you think about it. 378 00:20:43.079 --> 00:20:45.319 Yeah, And a lot of times people who are like that, 379 00:20:45.480 --> 00:20:49.279 they just ain't got caught, so they like, that's it. 380 00:20:49.440 --> 00:20:51.599 Because my biggest an is is like, what you doing 381 00:20:51.839 --> 00:20:54.480 that don't nobody know about? Because I know you're doing something. 382 00:20:54.519 --> 00:20:56.599 It could be subtle, it could be out here, you're 383 00:20:56.680 --> 00:20:57.400 doing something. 384 00:20:57.799 --> 00:21:00.119 We all got stuff, right. 385 00:21:00.640 --> 00:21:03.599 So this is great segue. So you participate in discussions 386 00:21:03.599 --> 00:21:07.039 and podcasts about betrayal, trauma and relationship repair because we 387 00:21:07.119 --> 00:21:09.920 talked about the fractures and things that happen and they 388 00:21:09.960 --> 00:21:12.759 come to you, but there's always room for repair. So 389 00:21:12.799 --> 00:21:16.319 what mayvait you to engage in these platforms and what 390 00:21:16.400 --> 00:21:19.359 impact do you hope to achieve a hope to achieve? 391 00:21:19.880 --> 00:21:25.599 So very load of question, especially with you being the 392 00:21:25.640 --> 00:21:29.079 host that you are number one. Nobody, like I said before, 393 00:21:29.319 --> 00:21:32.799 nobody's talking about sex, nobody's talking about how do you 394 00:21:32.880 --> 00:21:36.200 repair from infidelity, How do you heal from sex and 395 00:21:36.279 --> 00:21:40.519 port addiction like or just unhealthy compulsive sexual behaviors, whatever 396 00:21:40.559 --> 00:21:42.000 the case, however you want to call it. 397 00:21:42.279 --> 00:21:44.680 Nobody's talking about this stuff, at least not out loud. 398 00:21:46.440 --> 00:21:50.079 And number two, they don't talk about this stuff within 399 00:21:50.359 --> 00:21:53.799 the black and brown culture because we're the ones that 400 00:21:53.880 --> 00:21:56.079 are doing the most out here when it comes to 401 00:21:56.119 --> 00:22:00.680 this stuff. And while we're up here passing judgment, trying 402 00:22:00.680 --> 00:22:05.000 to create more shame and guilt, there's a lack of empathy, 403 00:22:05.200 --> 00:22:08.480 There's a lack of understanding, there's a lack of where's 404 00:22:08.519 --> 00:22:09.960 the root of this issue? 405 00:22:10.000 --> 00:22:11.359 How do we fix this? 406 00:22:12.480 --> 00:22:17.359 It's just our culture is just very healthy and and 407 00:22:17.559 --> 00:22:22.440 toxic and it creates. It wants to it wants to eliminate, 408 00:22:22.519 --> 00:22:25.400 but it also creates and helps. 409 00:22:25.160 --> 00:22:29.440 Fester and stew all this stuff. So double edged sword. 410 00:22:29.759 --> 00:22:33.119 So I have felt that it was my calling and 411 00:22:33.279 --> 00:22:37.480 my purpose to be able to create a sense of 412 00:22:37.519 --> 00:22:41.960 sexual healing within all people. It doesn't matter if you gay, straight, 413 00:22:42.680 --> 00:22:45.240 who you consider your higher power is. 414 00:22:46.440 --> 00:22:49.440 It doesn't matter to me. I am not a judge. 415 00:22:50.240 --> 00:22:52.599 I just want you to be the healthiest and best 416 00:22:52.680 --> 00:22:56.119 version of yourself. That's that's all that matters to me. 417 00:22:57.160 --> 00:22:59.559 All right, good stuff? Okay, So, now I got a 418 00:22:59.599 --> 00:23:01.319 few words and phrases, and I want you to tell 419 00:23:01.319 --> 00:23:03.079 me the first thing that comes to mind. There's no 420 00:23:03.160 --> 00:23:04.559 right or wrong against Are you ready? 421 00:23:04.799 --> 00:23:06.640 Oh my goodness? I mean. 422 00:23:08.160 --> 00:23:09.079 Betrayal trauma. 423 00:23:11.599 --> 00:23:16.519 You lie to me? I just you lie to me? 424 00:23:17.640 --> 00:23:18.000 Porn? 425 00:23:21.359 --> 00:23:28.720 Can we talk about it and addic assumptions? 426 00:23:30.039 --> 00:23:34.000 Okay, okay, good stuff. So betrayal trauma, so obviously, is 427 00:23:34.039 -->

00:23:36.799 a type of trauma that occurs with someone close and 428 00:23:36.839 --> 00:23:42.359 relied upon of support for support or survival inflix harm. 429 00:23:42.400 --> 00:23:45.640 And apparently this concept was introduced by Jennifer Fred in 430 00:23:45.759 --> 00:23:49.160 nineteen ninety four. Then we got the next one, which 431 00:23:49.440 --> 00:23:52.880 is porn. This is television programs, magazines, books that I 432 00:23:52.960 --> 00:23:57.240 regarded as emphasizing the sensuous or sensational aspects of a 433 00:23:57.319 --> 00:24:01.880 stimulating compulsive interest in their audience. Then added a person 434 00:24:02.039 --> 00:24:05.559 was a digitive a particular substance, typically an illegal drug. 435 00:24:06.759 --> 00:24:13.440 Similar words synonyms abuser, user, junkie, druggie. All right, alrighty, 436 00:24:13.599 --> 00:24:18.519 so let's go to the next segment I care, which 437 00:24:18.799 --> 00:24:22.559 is what does this have to do with mental health? So, 438 00:24:22.640 --> 00:24:27.000 in this segment, we kind of unpacked that, but before 439 00:24:27.039 --> 00:24:30.359 we get into that, we talked about kind of what 440 00:24:30.480 --> 00:24:32.799 happened to you a little bit. We talked about kind 441 00:24:32.799 --> 00:24:35.079 of how you got into this, but we didn't talk 442 00:24:35.119 --> 00:24:38.039 about your personal healing journey. So how did your personal 443 00:24:38.119 --> 00:24:41.119 healing journey influence the approach that you give to your clients? 444 00:24:41.160 --> 00:24:47.200 Now that's a beautiful question, isn't nobody who's asked me that? 445 00:24:47.279 --> 00:24:50.400 So I feel really yes, So I feel really good. 446 00:24:50.759 --> 00:24:55.039 So my life I came to the understanding that my 447 00:24:55.160 --> 00:24:58.759 life was not my own. It was to be an 448 00:24:58.759 --> 00:25:02.400 example for other people and in ways that I could 449 00:25:02.480 --> 00:25:06.440 never imagined. And as long as I put put forth 450 00:25:06.480 --> 00:25:09.799 the efforts and the work to heal myself, to understand 451 00:25:09.880 --> 00:25:13.400 myself in the best ways I possibly can, that would 452 00:25:13.960 --> 00:25:18.079 reflect in the way that I engage in therapy with 453 00:25:18.079 --> 00:25:18.759 with others. 454 00:25:19.240 --> 00:25:23.039 And I have seated I live it every day and 455 00:25:23.079 --> 00:25:27.000 I'm just like, okay, Lord, like this is are you sure? 456 00:25:27.200 --> 00:25:30.240 What's we're doing this? And like are they gonna come back? 457 00:25:30.319 --> 00:25:32.880 And then they tell their friends and their friends like 458 00:25:33.079 --> 00:25:37.160 I just it's it's just shown up in so many ways, 459 00:25:37.759 --> 00:25:40.279 and so it's it's a constant reminder of me to 460 00:25:40.319 --> 00:25:43.960 continuing to just work on myself. And so that is 461 00:25:44.000 --> 00:25:48.440 the motivation because I I don't do well with complacency. 462 00:25:49.000 --> 00:25:53.839 I don't do well in stagnation. I'm constantly trying to grow. 463 00:25:53.960 --> 00:25:57.880 I'm trying constantly trying to expand in every past possible 464 00:25:57.880 --> 00:26:01.920 way that I can. So I chilenge clients based off 465 00:26:01.960 --> 00:26:05.119 of how I challenge myself because if I can do it, 466 00:26:05.720 --> 00:26:06.599 you can do it too. 467 00:26:07.160 --> 00:26:09.319 It just looks different, that is all. 468 00:26:10.079 --> 00:26:12.519 Yeah, that's one of my things that I want people 469 00:26:12.519 --> 00:26:14.000 to see when they see me, Like I want people 470 00:26:14.000 --> 00:26:15.839 to say, if he can do it, I can do 471 00:26:15.880 --> 00:26:18.640 it too, because it's just about putting that work in well, 472 00:26:18.640 --> 00:26:21.440 whatever that is, you know what I mean, it's no 473 00:26:21.599 --> 00:26:24.880 different than Kobe Bryant, you know, or people who used 474 00:26:24.920 --> 00:26:27.359 to wake up and still want the greatest of all time. 475 00:26:27.400 --> 00:26:28.799 And we'll go to the gym at four o'clock in 476 00:26:28.880 --> 00:26:32.799 the morning and be working on the same basic fundamentals, 477 00:26:32.799 --> 00:26:34.279 like you have to do that and whatever it is, 478 00:26:34.319 --> 00:26:36.319 whether it's something you're trying to achieve as far as 479 00:26:36.359 --> 00:26:39.200 your dream or if you're trying to overcome something. You know, 480 00:26:39.680 --> 00:26:42.400 we already got the victory. We just have to walk 481 00:26:42.440 --> 00:26:44.319 it out. And that's just the thing I feel like 482 00:26:44.319 --> 00:26:46.759 a lot of people don't want to do. They don't 483 00:26:46.799 --> 00:26:49.119 have the discipline. We live in a microwave world where 484 00:26:49.119 --> 00:26:51.799 everybody wants things quick, fast, in a hurry. You know, 485 00:26:51.880 --> 00:26:54.039 I'm an advocate. I kind of drill on my Instagram 486 00:26:54.119 --> 00:26:56.160 regularly about content. You know. I saw a post of 487 00:26:56.200 --> 00:26:58.359 the day talking about Easter Ray and it was talking 488 00:26:58.359 --> 00:27:01.480 about how she got found and got and they took 489 00:27:01.640 --> 00:27:03.599 an HBO took a risk on her based on that 490 00:27:03.759 --> 00:27:07.440 low budget TV or talk web seies she used to have. 491 00:27:07.799 --> 00:27:10.039 So it's like, so many people have so many excuses 492 00:27:10.079 --> 00:27:11.759 why they don't put out stuff, or I got to 493 00:27:11.839 --> 00:27:14.400 be perfect, There's never no way to do. 494 00:27:14.480 --> 00:27:18.279 Affection doesn't exist. You can perfect your imperfections, though, but 495 00:27:18.319 --> 00:27:20.319 you'll never arrive until you leave this. 496 00:27:20.319 --> 00:27:25.559 Earth right exactly. So, now we didn't talk much about 497 00:27:26.160 -->

00:27:30.079 you have the Healing Heart Center, So this is a 498 00:27:30.160 --> 00:27:32.839 significant milestone. Can you give a brief description about what 499 00:27:32.880 --> 00:27:33.319 that is? 500 00:27:34.240 --> 00:27:39.240 So the Healing Heart Center is my private practice founded 501 00:27:39.720 --> 00:27:43.519 by myself, of course, but the partners of Sex and 502 00:27:43.519 --> 00:27:48.119 Important Addicts that I initially started working. 503 00:27:47.799 --> 00:27:49.759 With, Okay my name. 504 00:27:50.799 --> 00:27:53.240 We were on a I had a group of ladies. 505 00:27:53.279 --> 00:27:57.920 We were on a mountain retreat. I post those once 506 00:27:57.960 --> 00:28:01.119 a year, and we were on this retreat and we 507 00:28:01.119 --> 00:28:04.400 were in the mental in the middle of art therapy 508 00:28:04.440 --> 00:28:05.359 and music therapy. 509 00:28:05.720 --> 00:28:06.759 We were having a good time. 510 00:28:06.839 --> 00:28:08.799 We were just sitting there in silence, and they knew 511 00:28:08.920 --> 00:28:10.759 that I was trying to come up with a name 512 00:28:11.000 --> 00:28:12.839 because we went to the top of the mountain, and 513 00:28:12.960 --> 00:28:15.480 usually that's where God gives us things, right, He gave 514 00:28:15.839 --> 00:28:18.240 Moses the Ten Commandments at the top of the mountain, 515 00:28:18.279 --> 00:28:20.799 So I was intentional when I went to this mountain. 516 00:28:21.319 --> 00:28:23.599 And so we were playing with words, and we were 517 00:28:23.599 --> 00:28:28.319 playing with ideas because I have two mentors, one who 518 00:28:28.400 --> 00:28:31.240 is a big contributor to the sex and porn addiction field. 519 00:28:31.279 --> 00:28:34.200 His name is doctor Doug Weiss. He has a practice. 520 00:28:33.799 --> 00:28:37.359 Out in Colorado, Hard to Heart Counseling, and then the 521 00:28:37.440 --> 00:28:41.680 practice that I got introduced to this field, the Grace 522 00:28:41.720 --> 00:28:45.839 Healing Journey practice, and I wanted to combine those two 523 00:28:45.960 --> 00:28:48.920 names somehow, and so we just started playing with words, 524 00:28:48.960 --> 00:28:54.839 and then the Healing Heart Center was established, and it 525 00:28:54.880 --> 00:28:58.480 was just something that I wanted for not just partners, 526 00:28:58.519 --> 00:29:03.039 but for people that have been broken emotionally mentally. 527 00:29:03.119 --> 00:29:05.400 Their hearts have just been shattering, and I wanted it 528 00:29:05.400 --> 00:29:07.160 to be a place where you can rebuild. 529 00:29:07.200 --> 00:29:10.799 You can restore yourself, you can take your power back, 530 00:29:11.039 --> 00:29:14.920 you can love again, starting with yourself and then find 531 00:29:15.000 --> 00:29:18.480 love and other people like this is something that can happen. 532 00:29:18.640 --> 00:29:22.000 So that is what the Healing Heart Center consists of. 533 00:29:22.759 --> 00:29:28.519 Okay and okay, because that's great and it's needed because 534 00:29:29.799 --> 00:29:32.319 it's one of those it's a simple name, but it's 535 00:29:32.359 --> 00:29:35.440 so effective and it's like to the point, and it's 536 00:29:35.559 --> 00:29:39.039 like sometimes it shows we overthink stuff that's in our 537 00:29:39.039 --> 00:29:40.880 face the whole time. So the fact that you put 538 00:29:40.880 --> 00:29:43.440 that together and got that in you got a private practice, 539 00:29:43.559 --> 00:29:48.119 is amazing. So keep doing what you're doing. Now back 540 00:29:48.160 --> 00:29:52.799 to the whole porn addiction thing. So later in this season, 541 00:29:52.880 --> 00:29:56.799 we're gonna go more in depth with relationships, but with this, 542 00:29:57.000 --> 00:29:59.200 I feel like this is and of course, as you stated, 543 00:29:59.200 --> 00:30:02.039 this affects a lot of relationships as well. But I 544 00:30:02.119 --> 00:30:04.880 think that having the issue or the struggle with porn 545 00:30:04.920 --> 00:30:07.680 is an internal relationship on internal struggle that people need 546 00:30:07.680 --> 00:30:09.480 to address too. It's kind of like I feel like, 547 00:30:09.920 --> 00:30:11.680 why so many people get married and to have so 548 00:30:11.720 --> 00:30:14.480 many issues because they didn't know themselves before they got married, 549 00:30:15.720 --> 00:30:17.720 and it's like, well, how can you be the best 550 00:30:17.799 --> 00:30:20.319 husband if you don't really all the way know yourself. 551 00:30:23.640 --> 00:30:27.480 So with that, porn has evolved with the rise of 552 00:30:27.519 --> 00:30:33.039 digital access. So it's clear that's why this generation is 553 00:30:33.079 --> 00:30:36.119 struggles more than the previous generations because it's like, Okay, 554 00:30:36.119 --> 00:30:39.200 if the DVDs ain't around, you ain't gonna see. If 555 00:30:39.240 --> 00:30:41.680 the magazine's not around, you're not gonna see. But now 556 00:30:41.720 --> 00:30:44.839 all you gotta do is get the scrolling you and 557 00:30:45.960 --> 00:30:48.759 you could just type in some the craziest thing you 558 00:30:48.799 --> 00:30:51.799 want to see, Andy, it's gonna come up because they 559 00:30:51.799 --> 00:30:57.960 got it. You know. It's interesting with that because I 560 00:30:58.000 --> 00:31:00.400 think because when people do get a and of course 561 00:31:00.400 --> 00:31:02.400 you're the experts, you could tell me, but I think 562 00:31:02.480 --> 00:31:06.440 when people get into that a little too early, because 563 00:31:06.440 --> 00:31:10.160 everybody wasn't touched them molested, they can get Yeah, a 564 00:31:10.200 --> 00:31:13.160 lot of people were a lot of pep because a 565 00:31:13.200 --> 00:31:15.559 lot of people didn't realize that they was because sometimes 566 00:31:15.599 --> 00:31:18.680 we think of molestation, we think of you know, somebody 567 00:31:18.720 -->

00:31:20.880 grabs and you're gonna do this, and sometimes it was 568 00:31:20.960 --> 00:31:23.799 just an older friend or. 569 00:31:24.079 --> 00:31:27.160 You know, to be really subtle, real subtle. 570 00:31:27.599 --> 00:31:31.680 So well, let me ask this, what could you ask 571 00:31:31.759 --> 00:31:34.319 somebody or what tips could you What questions could you 572 00:31:34.359 --> 00:31:36.799 give to give to somebody to say, to go back 573 00:31:36.839 --> 00:31:39.680 in their childhood and say were you when you ask 574 00:31:39.759 --> 00:31:41.839 them like, were you you know, maybe touched as a 575 00:31:41.880 --> 00:31:43.960 child or whatever? What questions would you have them ask 576 00:31:44.039 --> 00:31:45.359 themselves to get to the root of that. 577 00:31:45.960 --> 00:31:48.119 Did you feel uncomfortable when they touched you? 578 00:31:48.920 --> 00:31:49.920 Okay? 579 00:31:50.640 --> 00:31:55.920 Did did they say don't tell anybody, it's a secret 580 00:31:55.960 --> 00:31:59.200 between me and you, Whether if it was somebody that 581 00:31:59.279 --> 00:32:01.359 was the same age you, or whether it was somebody 582 00:32:01.400 --> 00:32:05.200 that was older than you, younger than you, your body knows. 583 00:32:05.680 --> 00:32:08.640 Did you feel wrong about it? Did you feel comfortable 584 00:32:08.720 --> 00:32:11.880 talking to anyone about it? And if you did, did 585 00:32:12.079 --> 00:32:15.160 they kind of dismiss you? Were you put around this 586 00:32:15.359 --> 00:32:19.160 person again? Did you feel a sense of safety? 587 00:32:19.759 --> 00:32:26.119 Did you feel heard? There's a lot of things. 588 00:32:27.440 --> 00:32:32.480 How does and I guess some information, but in a 589 00:32:32.680 --> 00:32:37.039 brief and to show this way possible, how does pornography 590 00:32:37.599 --> 00:32:38.880 distort relationships? 591 00:32:39.880 --> 00:32:43.000 There's a false sense of how you show up sexually, 592 00:32:43.400 --> 00:32:48.400 what intimacy really is, and what it's not you'll never 593 00:32:48.559 --> 00:32:57.039 achieve what you're being shown as connection. It distorts everything 594 00:32:57.240 --> 00:32:59.839 in regards to relational engagement. 595 00:33:02.079 --> 00:33:05.640 So how does pornography this story intimate relationships? This comes 596 00:33:05.640 --> 00:33:07.720 from mental health dot com. So accord to mental health 597 00:33:07.799 --> 00:33:11.200 dot com, this can then negnively impact romantic relationships by 598 00:33:11.240 --> 00:33:15.160 creating what you just stated, unrealistic expectations, decreasing intimacy, and 599 00:33:15.160 --> 00:33:19.119 foster and emotional disconnection. The article emphasize is excessive porn 600 00:33:19.240 --> 00:33:22.640 use can damage trust, communication, and emotional bonds between partners. 601 00:33:22.759 --> 00:33:24.000 Before I go to the next one, something else I 602 00:33:24.000 --> 00:33:26.079 gotta throw in, I gotta catch it for I forget it. 603 00:33:26.359 --> 00:33:28.759 I knew somebody that said that every time they had 604 00:33:28.880 --> 00:33:31.599 sex they had felt no emotion. And I remember I 605 00:33:31.640 --> 00:33:34.720 was thinking, that's that's not all right, that's a problem. 606 00:33:34.920 --> 00:33:35.839 That's a problem. 607 00:33:36.519 --> 00:33:38.160 And I'm like, why do you why do you feel 608 00:33:38.200 --> 00:33:40.440 that way? You know? And they was just like, this 609 00:33:40.480 --> 00:33:42.119 is just how it is, but you ain't never want 610 00:33:42.160 --> 00:33:44.279 And that's the problem I hate with black folks. Why 611 00:33:44.279 --> 00:33:47.240 do we always accept stuff? It don't have to be 612 00:33:47.319 --> 00:33:51.759 that way, like it just how it is? That slave mentality, 613 00:33:51.759 --> 00:33:54.039 ain't it. I'm sorry, I just had to ask. 614 00:33:55.559 --> 00:33:58.759 It is slave mentality. We will accept anything. We don't 615 00:33:58.759 --> 00:34:02.319 want to challenge nothing because we're afraid of if we do, 616 00:34:02.480 --> 00:34:05.920 we're gonna be We're gonna be excuse me, We're gonna 617 00:34:05.960 --> 00:34:09.639 be judged or critiqued by other black folks who probably 618 00:34:09.719 --> 00:34:12.480 they ain't got no more sense than we do anyway, 619 00:34:13.000 --> 00:34:15.199 you know, and they just want to conform. 620 00:34:15.320 --> 00:34:18.559 A lot of black people just want to conform and 621 00:34:18.679 --> 00:34:19.679 play it safe. 622 00:34:20.000 --> 00:34:23.159 Why you can't blame the man no more? 623 00:34:25.320 --> 00:34:28.519 Okay, that that's not like because, if anything, they got 624 00:34:28.559 --> 00:34:29.159 their own. 625 00:34:28.960 --> 00:34:31.239 Stuff going on within their own culture. Like you can't. 626 00:34:31.360 --> 00:34:35.400 You can't shift the blame on nobody. Yes, we're in. 627 00:34:35.360 --> 00:34:38.400 A state of confusion because of what's going on in 628 00:34:38.440 --> 00:34:42.599 the world. However, you have control of your own personal believes, 629 00:34:42.679 --> 00:34:43.920 your own personal. 630 00:34:43.599 --> 00:34:46.760 Thoughts, what you do in your daily life. 631 00:34:47.280 --> 00:34:50.039 Why does that matter or what what people we're so 632 00:34:50.239 --> 00:34:53.440 caught up and what other people think about us and 633 00:34:53.480 --> 00:34:54.159 what we do. 634 00:34:54.599 --> 00:34:56.519 Is just why do you want to be a people pleaser? 635 00:34:56.679 --> 00:35:01.719 Oh there's an issue there. If you want validation from 636 00:35:01.760 --> 00:35:03.679 other people, you have a problem. 637 00:35:05.320 --> 00:35:09.559 Last season, that topic came up in almost every episode 638 00:35:09.639 --> 00:35:13.559 in Somewhere about people pleasing because I've learned that people 639 00:35:13.599 --> 00:35:17.840 pleasing is a mindset, and when you give them

tips 640 00:35:17.840 --> 00:35:20.599 on like as an ex people pleasing myself, when you 641 00:35:20.639 --> 00:35:23.039 give them tips on certain things, they really are like 642 00:35:23.239 --> 00:35:25.000 they want to do that, but they're scared. And it's 643 00:35:25.000 --> 00:35:28.159 like when y'all say certain give certain suggestions, I know 644 00:35:28.239 --> 00:35:30.159 I'm talking to a brick wall, because it's like they 645 00:35:30.199 --> 00:35:32.679 can't hear that because it's like, well, you just don't 646 00:35:32.719 --> 00:35:34.679 care about people. See, I actually care about people. That's 647 00:35:34.679 --> 00:35:36.599 the lie that they tell themselves. Well I care about people. 648 00:35:36.639 --> 00:35:40.000 You don't. It's like they don't care about you, because 649 00:35:40.639 --> 00:35:42.920 look how they running you over when you over here stressed. 650 00:35:43.360 --> 00:35:44.280 This is the biggest thing. 651 00:35:45.199 --> 00:35:48.239 You care about them more than they care about you, 652 00:35:48.519 --> 00:35:50.760 and you care about more about. 653 00:35:50.440 --> 00:35:52.760 What they need and what they want in their. 654 00:35:52.639 --> 00:35:55.000 Life than what you do for y'all own to the 655 00:35:55.079 --> 00:35:57.440 point where you want to even put up boundaries. 656 00:35:57.599 --> 00:36:02.760 The biggest thing I get is, well, what they leave me? Okay, right, you. 657 00:36:02.679 --> 00:36:05.079 Don't know how to be alone. If you don't know 658 00:36:05.079 --> 00:36:06.719 how to be alone, that's another. 659 00:36:06.519 --> 00:36:09.719 Issue too, right, And I say this publicly and we're 660 00:36:09.719 --> 00:36:12.039 gonna click this. Did you leave you'll be back? Because 661 00:36:12.039 --> 00:36:12.960 they always come back. 662 00:36:13.000 --> 00:36:14.239 They always come back. 663 00:36:16.840 --> 00:36:20.159 The second one says effects of pornography on relationships. According 664 00:36:20.159 --> 00:36:23.079 to Utah State University Extension, it is linked to reduced 665 00:36:24.000 --> 00:36:28.840 relationship satisfaction, lower sexual intimacy, and increased secrecy between partners. 666 00:36:29.440 --> 00:36:33.280 Research suggests that poor consumption leads emotionally with draw unrealistic expectations, 667 00:36:33.320 --> 00:36:36.960 even aggression within relationships. Now, although it's kind of mirrors 668 00:36:37.000 --> 00:36:39.079 the first one, I like that increased secrecy because I 669 00:36:39.079 --> 00:36:41.280 feel like when you open one door to secrecy, then 670 00:36:41.280 --> 00:36:43.440 that's when other stuff stopped coming about. So you hide 671 00:36:43.480 --> 00:36:45.400 in that. The next thing, you know, you hide in 672 00:36:45.400 --> 00:36:48.920 a secret bank account. Then you got a work wife 673 00:36:49.159 --> 00:36:51.360 that you hide and that then it turned. So we 674 00:36:51.400 --> 00:36:52.920 went to dinner. I said I was going with this, 675 00:36:52.920 --> 00:36:54.519 but went to that one there, you know, we went 676 00:36:54.559 --> 00:36:56.840 from the dinner. Then we've talked in a car for 677 00:36:56.880 --> 00:36:59.199 a hour. And it's all not gonna happen to one day. People. 678 00:36:59.239 --> 00:37:01.000 That's how I sneak up on you, because it happens 679 00:37:01.000 --> 00:37:03.599 over time. This is gonna take a year for something happen. 680 00:37:03.679 --> 00:37:06.320 Then next thing you know, you say, all right, see 681 00:37:06.320 --> 00:37:08.199 a lady, you're going for the hug. Next thing you 682 00:37:08.239 --> 00:37:11.480 know you didn't kiss the whole. This whole all just happens, 683 00:37:11.559 --> 00:37:13.440 and you're gonna say you're crazy. But this type of 684 00:37:13.480 --> 00:37:19.840 stuff happening, He's not just in a movie. Right now, 685 00:37:19.920 --> 00:37:21.960 This one is the challenge one. Now here's what I'm 686 00:37:21.960 --> 00:37:23.920 gonna do. I'm gonna take the part of it and 687 00:37:23.960 --> 00:37:26.480 save it for the next segment. But I don't agree 688 00:37:26.480 --> 00:37:28.320 with this, but we have to. We have to for 689 00:37:28.440 --> 00:37:30.400 the plot, we have to save it. So it says 690 00:37:30.440 --> 00:37:34.440 the pros and cons of how pornography affects relationships now. 691 00:37:34.480 --> 00:37:36.199 For right now, we're only gonna read the cons. We're 692 00:37:36.239 --> 00:37:38.320 gonna say the pros for later, it says, according to 693 00:37:38.360 --> 00:37:44.199 the Addiction Center, while some argue that porn explore exploration, 694 00:37:45.159 --> 00:37:49.400 poort enhances sexual exploration, and research suggests that porn may 695 00:37:49.480 --> 00:37:54.559 you lead to increase emotional detachment, unrealistic sexual expectations, and 696 00:37:54.599 --> 00:37:58.679 diminished connection with real life partners. So in this case, 697 00:37:59.159 --> 00:38:00.719 we're gonna come back to the other part later. So 698 00:38:00.760 --> 00:38:02.320 we're gonna keep that. And then the final one is 699 00:38:02.400 --> 00:38:07.119 sex addiction therapy definitions, techniques, and Effectacy comes from very 700 00:38:07.159 --> 00:38:12.119 Well Mind. It says that cognitive behavioral therapy motivation, enhancement 701 00:38:12.159 --> 00:38:14.800 therapy and couple's counselor are among the most effective approaches 702 00:38:14.840 --> 00:38:18.840 for addressing porn and sex addiction. It says, this article 703 00:38:18.960 --> 00:38:23.599 explains how therapy helps individuals restrain, retrain their thought patterns, 704 00:38:23.639 --> 00:38:28.360 break compulsive behaviors, and repair trust in relationships. So, like 705 00:38:28.440 --> 00:38:31.320 I said, interesting stuff. A lot of the stuff we 706 00:38:31.360 --> 00:38:33.639 heard in different ways. But again they say you have 707 00:38:33.679 -->

00:38:36.800 to like hear things like seven or eight times before 708 00:38:36.840 --> 00:38:40.239 you actually internalize it. So what are some of the 709 00:38:40.280 --> 00:38:43.320 biggest misconceptions about porn addiction and how it truly affects 710 00:38:43.360 --> 00:38:44.760 mental health and relationships. 711 00:38:45.480 --> 00:38:51.079 Number one, it's always pedophilia. Oh, you watching underage individuals. 712 00:38:51.119 --> 00:38:55.639 That's that's not always the cat. So that's a misconception, 713 00:38:57.400 --> 00:39:02.760 I guess. Another misconception is that that number one, you're 714 00:39:02.800 --> 00:39:05.679 you're engaging in porn because you want to spice up 715 00:39:05.679 --> 00:39:09.000 your relationship. But if your partner don't know that you're 716 00:39:09.039 --> 00:39:12.199 watching this to spice up your relationship, and what relationship 717 00:39:12.199 --> 00:39:17.119 are you trying to spice up? That that's a secret 718 00:39:17.360 --> 00:39:24.519 that you are engaging it on your own. Another one is, 719 00:39:24.599 --> 00:39:27.800 like I shared earlier, is is something's wrong with me? 720 00:39:28.000 --> 00:39:32.000 Like it's it's it's I'm not being satisfied in the relationship, 721 00:39:32.079 --> 00:39:33.960 so I'm getting my knees met elsewhere. 722 00:39:34.280 --> 00:39:34.960 How that work? 723 00:39:35.360 --> 00:39:38.519 Oh yeah? 724 00:39:39.000 --> 00:39:41.880 How do work? And if I was doing this to you, 725 00:39:42.440 --> 00:39:43.480 how would you feel? 726 00:39:43.880 --> 00:39:46.960 Because there's a sense of like you can hurry up 727 00:39:47.000 --> 00:39:50.400 and forgive this stuff, but it don't work like that. 728 00:39:50.880 --> 00:39:54.239 So putting a timeframe on how you recover within your 729 00:39:54.280 --> 00:39:57.159 relationship and how can you get back to to what 730 00:39:57.239 --> 00:39:59.320 you were, which you'll never get back to what you 731 00:39:59.360 --> 00:40:02.840 were because it was the facade, and actually healing through 732 00:40:02.880 --> 00:40:04.639 that that doesn't happen overnight. 733 00:40:04.960 --> 00:40:08.079 So those those those what I would consider. 734 00:40:08.559 --> 00:40:13.519 Okay, so we've briefly discussed you know, sex and how 735 00:40:13.559 --> 00:40:16.519 it you know, rewires the brain, and it's like it 736 00:40:16.639 --> 00:40:20.119 literally has to you have to literally rewire and retrain 737 00:40:20.199 --> 00:40:24.960 your brain. So one thing we haven't talked about yet 738 00:40:25.039 --> 00:40:28.840 is self control. So when it comes to self control 739 00:40:28.880 --> 00:40:31.000 on this case, the lack thereof, because if some people 740 00:40:31.079 --> 00:40:33.639 probably have great self control in all other areas, they 741 00:40:33.679 --> 00:40:36.000 might be good with money, they might be good with 742 00:40:36.159 --> 00:40:39.039 you know, anger, they might be good with you know, 743 00:40:40.480 --> 00:40:43.199 the diet, but then when it comes to point, it's 744 00:40:43.239 --> 00:40:45.719 just like they are. Anytime they get a thought, they 745 00:40:45.760 --> 00:40:50.639 go looking and loading up stuff. So what are some 746 00:40:50.719 --> 00:40:54.159 of the long term effects on the lack of self 747 00:40:54.199 --> 00:40:56.440 control if not properly addressed. 748 00:40:56.840 --> 00:40:58.320 A reptile dysfunction. 749 00:40:59.039 --> 00:41:06.239 Oh man, they didn't want to hear that one. 750 00:41:06.519 --> 00:41:09.840 No, no, while you're trying to while you're trying to 751 00:41:09.840 --> 00:41:15.320 make an excuse. Oh oh, I just it's no, a 752 00:41:15.440 --> 00:41:16.800 rectile dysfunction. 753 00:41:17.239 --> 00:41:20.239 Just call it what it is. That's the biggest one. 754 00:41:22.000 --> 00:41:22.960 Let's see what else. 755 00:41:23.280 --> 00:41:26.519 Uh, You're not gonna engage in a fulfilling relationship. 756 00:41:27.480 --> 00:41:29.639 That's that's only if you meet. 757 00:41:29.480 --> 00:41:32.800 A healthy partner though, because you know, it's a struggle 758 00:41:32.840 --> 00:41:35.239 out here to find a healthy person to be with. 759 00:41:35.880 --> 00:41:38.519 And so you know, if you come across a healthy 760 00:41:38.559 --> 00:41:42.199 partner and you think that engaging in porn is gonna 761 00:41:42.199 --> 00:41:46.519 be something that that increases your intimacy. First off, intimacy 762 00:41:46.559 --> 00:41:49.760 isn't just physical, it's mental, its emotional, it's spiritual. And 763 00:41:49.800 --> 00:41:51.760 if you don't know how to do those things, you 764 00:41:52.559 --> 00:41:55.480 are not engaging in what intimacy really is. 765 00:41:55.840 --> 00:41:56.519 So that's another. 766 00:41:59.039 --> 00:42:03.679 You're gonna just live your life just in darkness. You know, 767 00:42:03.920 --> 00:42:06.760 it's just gonna be really dark. Like it's gonna impact 768 00:42:06.760 --> 00:42:10.840 your level of connection with people. You know, you're not 769 00:42:10.920 --> 00:42:13.880 gonna learn the healthy coping skills because. 770 00:42:13.880 --> 00:42:18.159 You can shift. You get a thought of engaging informa. Right, Okay, 771 00:42:18.280 --> 00:42:18.920 why don't. 772 00:42:18.719 --> 00:42:22.119 You trigger your or let's let's influence or impact your 773 00:42:22.159 --> 00:42:26.159 doping levels with something else like going outside or phoning 774 00:42:26.199 --> 00:42:30.679 a friend or you know, reading something that isn't unhealthy. Like, 775 00:42:30.679 --> 00:42:33.559 there's so many things that you can retrain the brain 776 00:42:33.719 --> 00:42:37.320 with as opposed to engaging the net. So it's just 777 00:42:37.440 --> 00:42:41.599 it's very long. It's it's a very lonely life that 778 00:42:41.639 --> 00:42:44.480 you're gonna live as you continue down this dark hole. 779 00:42:44.760 --> 00:42:51.280

Oh yeah, but it's unfortunately because we live in a 780 00:42:51.320 --> 00:42:54.840 society that this is actually setting up nights for the 781 00:42:54.840 --> 00:42:57.719 next segment. But we live in a society where now 782 00:42:59.119 --> 00:43:02.239 again we fairly about briefly about shame, and of course 783 00:43:02.280 --> 00:43:05.760 we don't want to shame people because shame is a 784 00:43:05.800 --> 00:43:09.199 negative connotation and bring back morals. Right, but let me 785 00:43:09.199 --> 00:43:11.000 get let's go ahead and jump to next seven, because 786 00:43:11.000 --> 00:43:12.639 I don't want to get ahead of myself and I 787 00:43:12.719 --> 00:43:16.360 want to I really about to, we just really about 788 00:43:16.360 --> 00:43:19.199 to get the argument going. So the next segment is 789 00:43:19.360 --> 00:43:22.119 I challenge that. So in this segment I have to 790 00:43:22.159 --> 00:43:25.199 put my debater hat on and play Devil's advocate and 791 00:43:25.239 --> 00:43:27.519 just challenge some narratives and things that I will push. 792 00:43:27.599 --> 00:43:29.559 Now again, y'all know I agree with if I had 793 00:43:29.599 --> 00:43:31.920 a whole thing saying don't watch porns for certain now days, 794 00:43:31.960 --> 00:43:34.920 Clearly I'm know the understanding of not watching and if 795 00:43:34.920 --> 00:43:37.440 you've never done it, I tell people just ain't got 796 00:43:37.440 --> 00:43:39.880 to the tips yet. But I would say, just say, 797 00:43:39.920 --> 00:43:41.800 let me try five days and just see if you 798 00:43:41.880 --> 00:43:44.239 notice a difference, Just see if you knows, because especially 799 00:43:44.280 --> 00:43:46.480 we do it every day. We live in a world 800 00:43:46.519 --> 00:43:50.239 now where I'm living YouTube podcast. You know, there's so 801 00:43:50.320 --> 00:43:53.719 many different niches. Now, we already didn't talked about music. 802 00:43:53.760 --> 00:43:56.760 We know music is perverted. It's been perverted for decades now. 803 00:43:57.360 --> 00:43:59.400 And you know they are these songs that we listen 804 00:43:59.480 --> 00:44:03.000 to that speak our subconscious TV goods all the good stuff, right, well, 805 00:44:03.000 --> 00:44:04.840 no good stuff, but you know what I mean. Now, 806 00:44:05.000 --> 00:44:07.079 what about what would you say to the people who 807 00:44:07.119 --> 00:44:11.199 have those podcasts, because they are fighting against you know, 808 00:44:11.440 --> 00:44:14.159 based on what you're saying, shame is not okay. They're 809 00:44:14.239 --> 00:44:17.920 fighting against shame. By having the podcast and the YouTube 810 00:44:18.000 --> 00:44:22.000 channels and the content you know that goes against the 811 00:44:22.079 --> 00:44:28.199 norm and embraces perversion and embraces those sexual fantasies, and 812 00:44:28.239 --> 00:44:30.360 we talk about them. And there is no such thing 813 00:44:30.400 --> 00:44:33.280 as kink shaming. And so because they took the one 814 00:44:33.320 --> 00:44:35.639 part of that which is right, shame is bad. So 815 00:44:35.719 --> 00:44:38.320 we don't kink shame over here. We don't shame our 816 00:44:38.360 --> 00:44:43.840 perverted fetishes. What would be your response to that, because 817 00:44:44.239 --> 00:44:46.320 my first reaction would say, you made a comment about 818 00:44:46.360 --> 00:44:50.199 this long, dark, lonely road with the porn and all 819 00:44:50.199 --> 00:44:52.159 that stuff, But what if you find somebody else to 820 00:44:52.239 --> 00:44:53.719 join you on that dark path? 821 00:44:54.360 --> 00:44:57.039 This is true and that could potentially be the case. 822 00:44:57.159 --> 00:45:02.239 Right finding balance. I ain't gonna shame you and your kinks, 823 00:45:02.280 --> 00:45:09.239 your BDSM, your polyamors, whatever you choose, your doms, your littles. 824 00:45:09.000 --> 00:45:10.519 That's not my job. 825 00:45:10.920 --> 00:45:14.039 My job is to make sure that you're healthy and 826 00:45:14.079 --> 00:45:17.000 that you're communicating with your partner about these things and 827 00:45:17.079 --> 00:45:19.840 there's a balance, and that you know how to engage 828 00:45:19.840 --> 00:45:23.559 in healthy communication and you're honest and not just honest, 829 00:45:23.599 --> 00:45:27.039 but transparent. So I'm not gonna shade or knock down 830 00:45:27.199 --> 00:45:31.400 any of these platforms who are promoting different types of sexuality. 831 00:45:31.760 --> 00:45:33.519 Do that, do that. 832 00:45:33.519 --> 00:45:36.440 That's your choice. You want to engage in, good for you. 833 00:45:36.920 --> 00:45:41.039 I'm not against that. However, if you want to feel 834 00:45:41.119 --> 00:45:45.159 fulfilled in these relationships, it's gotta go deeper than just 835 00:45:45.320 --> 00:45:50.320 physical penetration. We're created to be intimate with one another. 836 00:45:50.360 --> 00:45:54.960 We're created to be seen, 're created to be felt, heard, understood. 837 00:45:55.280 --> 00:45:58.280 That just doesn't come out of sexual activities. 838 00:45:58.679 --> 00:46:02.599 And that's just facts, right, and so that even that 839 00:46:02.639 --> 00:46:06.400 common debunks going back to the source from the Addiction 840 00:46:06.480 --> 00:46:09.000 Center earlier when it talks about that the pros of 841 00:46:09.760 --> 00:46:15.880 engaging with porn is, you know, sexual exportation created creativity 842 00:46:15.920 --> 00:46:19.280 and sex, you know, and the part about increasing self 843 00:46:19.400 --> 00:46:22.559 esteem or you know, trying new things to keep things spicy, 844 00:46:22.559 --> 00:46:25.519 because that's one thing. But like you said, we have 845 00:46:25.599 --> 00:46:27.559 to get to the root where if your relationship is 846 00:46:27.599 --> 00:46:29.480 just based around sex, it's a big part. But if 847 00:46:29.480 --> 00:46:32.639 it's just based

around sex, it's like maybe it's not 848 00:46:32.719 --> 00:46:34.199 as deep as you thought it was. 849 00:46:34.519 --> 00:46:39.199 Yeah, yeah, because there's that that is challenging. 850 00:46:40.400 --> 00:46:41.519 Challenge. 851 00:46:42.639 --> 00:46:46.480 What is a meaningful relationship? Then you're just engaging in 852 00:46:46.519 --> 00:46:49.440 all this surface level stuff. Well, what do y'all talk 853 00:46:49.480 --> 00:46:53.039 about outside of that is what are your goals, what 854 00:46:53.119 --> 00:46:55.119 are your purposes? What are your dreams? 855 00:46:55.199 --> 00:46:55.280 Like? 856 00:46:55.280 --> 00:46:57.920 How do you feel about life? How do you feel 857 00:46:57.920 --> 00:47:04.159 about yourself? Like we're detaching. We're detaching so far when 858 00:47:04.199 --> 00:47:09.039 you start going down these different avenues of sexuality. And 859 00:47:09.079 --> 00:47:11.880 like I said before, it's not to say that you 860 00:47:12.000 --> 00:47:14.559 can explore, I want you to explore sexually. 861 00:47:14.679 --> 00:47:16.960 I would hope you do that with your partner in 862 00:47:17.000 --> 00:47:21.079 an honest way, no secrets. 863 00:47:21.119 --> 00:47:26.000 Right right. So now you emphasize emphasized and integrative therapy 864 00:47:26.079 --> 00:47:29.840 to approach incorporating emotionally focused therapy, attachment based therapy, and 865 00:47:29.920 --> 00:47:33.480 mindful price. So how do you determine what modules are 866 00:47:33.519 --> 00:47:35.639 best suit at clients and unique needs. 867 00:47:35.920 --> 00:47:37.760 Well, it really depends on how they show up and 868 00:47:37.800 --> 00:47:40.679 what they talk about. So I listen for patterns. A 869 00:47:40.719 --> 00:47:42.840 lot of people, we all have the same type of 870 00:47:42.840 --> 00:47:45.639 patterns and what we struggle with. So I listen for patterns. 871 00:47:45.960 --> 00:47:50.480 I listen for key words. I listen for insecurities. I 872 00:47:50.679 --> 00:47:54.519 listen for what happened in your childhood, how you engaged 873 00:47:54.559 --> 00:47:59.360 in relationships and adolescents, when you were exposed to sexual things, 874 00:47:59.400 --> 00:48:03.480 when you were how you dealt in these relationships, how 875 00:48:03.480 --> 00:48:06.400 you show up in life in different stages of life, 876 00:48:06.440 --> 00:48:10.280 because the lifespan is brought right, but there's still. 877 00:48:10.039 --> 00:48:12.559 A sense of basic human. 878 00:48:12.719 --> 00:48:16.119 Behavior that we all engage in. So I pick up 879 00:48:16.119 --> 00:48:19.079 on those and then I'm able to apply different approaches 880 00:48:19.119 --> 00:48:20.119 and interventions. 881 00:48:20.679 --> 00:48:23.639 Okay, So you can basically say this is a way 882 00:48:23.639 --> 00:48:26.239 that you create a safe and nonge judgmental space for 883 00:48:26.280 --> 00:48:29.519 the clients, like and then my question will

be, how 884 00:48:29.559 --> 00:48:32.400 do you say somebody came in and say I came in, 885 00:48:32.480 --> 00:48:34.199 I got all these I'm just the biggest frigg of 886 00:48:34.239 --> 00:48:37.039 the week and I got all these you know things 887 00:48:37.039 --> 00:48:38.840 that I got, And how would you and say I'm 888 00:48:38.840 --> 00:48:42.119 already shamed and say I'm coming in, you know, shamed 889 00:48:42.159 --> 00:48:44.760 and just broken, Like, how would you make some that 890 00:48:44.840 --> 00:48:46.320 person like that feel better? 891 00:48:47.159 --> 00:48:49.199 Okay? Okay, So. 892 00:48:51.199 --> 00:48:57.280 Validating their experience, validating their experience, and helping them identify 893 00:48:57.440 --> 00:49:01.119 what are the areas where you're not comfortable or what 894 00:49:01.159 --> 00:49:03.880 you feel like you want to work on. Because I 895 00:49:03.920 --> 00:49:07.000 don't the biggest expert, you're the expert of you. 896 00:49:07.440 --> 00:49:07.920 I don't know. 897 00:49:08.360 --> 00:49:10.960 I just knowing what you show up and what you share. 898 00:49:11.440 --> 00:49:13.199 And so the biggest thing is I want you to 899 00:49:13.199 --> 00:49:16.039 come in here. You're coming to me, of all people, 900 00:49:16.079 --> 00:49:19.039 to be your therapists, because I'm not everybody's therapist. You're 901 00:49:19.079 --> 00:49:23.079 coming to me with your trying to work on this. 902 00:49:23.280 --> 00:49:26.559 How committed are you? Because this is work. 903 00:49:27.079 --> 00:49:28.199 This is not just. 904 00:49:28.320 --> 00:49:30.920 Oh, I'm just gonna come in here and just have 905 00:49:31.039 --> 00:49:33.320 an outlet to express. Yeah, you're gonna have that, but 906 00:49:33.320 --> 00:49:36.000 I'm gonna send you out there to work like you 907 00:49:36.039 --> 00:49:41.199 can't just what. You're wasting your time, You're wasting my time, 908 00:49:41.679 --> 00:49:44.639 and you're wasting your money because I'm taking your money. 909 00:49:44.639 --> 00:49:46.840 But essentially, I'll get to a point where it's just like, 910 00:49:46.920 --> 00:49:51.320 if this client is non resist or non compliant or 911 00:49:51.360 --> 00:49:54.920 resistant to what's going on, I think that you should 912 00:49:55.000 --> 00:49:58.039 find another therapist because I don't think we're a good fit. 913 00:49:58.519 --> 00:50:03.480 So it's really an end visualized treatment approach that I incorporate. 914 00:50:04.280 --> 00:50:08.199 Okay, now another let's do this. Uh, just go down 915 00:50:08.199 --> 00:50:11.440 this lane. So society normalizes porn as a part of 916 00:50:11.480 --> 00:50:15.840 being a man, and this is a cultural mindset. We 917 00:50:16.000 --> 00:50:20.000 briefly discussed that earlier, talking about you know, culture and 918 00:50:20.039 --> 00:50:22.840 how as we as people, especially people of black folks, 919 00:50:23.119 --> 00:50:25.639 I ain't gonna say people of colored black folks, we 920 00:50:25.639 --> 00:50:28.199 we that's normalized. You hear the old men in the 921 00:50:28.239 --> 00:50:30.519 barbershops talking about back in the day they used to 922 00:50:30.559 --> 00:50:34.239 get their sons a prostitute, or they used to introduce 923 00:50:34.280 --> 00:50:37.280 them and let them watch a porn video and now 924 00:50:37.400 --> 00:50:39.320 just to sell them how it works. But so when 925 00:50:39.400 --> 00:50:43.000 doing that, what happens when you create a pervert? And 926 00:50:43.199 --> 00:50:45.760 because everybody and when I say pervert, let's let's go 927 00:50:45.840 --> 00:50:49.199 down that. So because some people, they've taken the word 928 00:50:49.239 --> 00:50:51.199 perverb now made it to work. Yeah I'm a perverse. 929 00:50:51.280 --> 00:50:53.760 So what kind of like the slut walk Amble Roles 930 00:50:53.800 --> 00:50:58.280 used to do walk, so like, yeah, I'm a slut 931 00:50:58.360 --> 00:51:00.320 d But she now has come out and said that 932 00:51:00.360 --> 00:51:02.559 that was harmful for the community, and she wish you did. 933 00:51:03.679 --> 00:51:07.920 But what happened, I just know you gotta have the 934 00:51:07.960 --> 00:51:12.760 biggest egg on your face. And you uncle grandpa, you 935 00:51:12.800 --> 00:51:17.039 didn't introduce your son to the pornography and prostitution and 936 00:51:17.079 --> 00:51:19.199 then you come out hearing about stuff they like later 937 00:51:19.199 --> 00:51:23.000 in life and you just appalled. It's your fault. It's 938 00:51:23.039 --> 00:51:28.320 your fault. So how does this cultural mindset make recovery harder? 939 00:51:28.519 --> 00:51:30.400 I'll let you get your laugh out. But how does 940 00:51:30.440 --> 00:51:31.960 this make recovery harder? 941 00:51:34.519 --> 00:51:38.760 Oh my gosh, because we're just we're so unhealthy. Us 942 00:51:38.840 --> 00:51:42.360 as Black people are so unhealthy. And it comes a 943 00:51:42.400 --> 00:51:48.280 lot with like the generational dysfunction that we inherited, the 944 00:51:48.519 --> 00:51:54.880 unhealthy patterns, the lack of dualized individualization, like we always 945 00:51:54.920 --> 00:51:58.639 striving for the same thing, which ain't got nothing to 946 00:51:58.679 --> 00:52:01.760 do with what you really need to be engaging in life. 947 00:52:02.000 --> 00:52:08.079 Like it's just so deep within our black culture. However, 948 00:52:09.280 --> 00:52:09.880 it's just. 949 00:52:10.360 --> 00:52:12.920 I don't I don't even know where to start. But 950 00:52:13.199 --> 00:52:19.360 it's when you exposed anyone to sexual content in any 951 00:52:19.400 --> 00:52:23.039 type of nature, when it wasn't like a natural before 952 00:52:23.079 --> 00:52:25.639 it's time or not, it naturally occurs. 953 00:52:25.679 --> 00:52:30.039 You set them up, you start the ball rolling. I 954 00:52:30.039 --> 00:52:31.360 wouldn't put all. 955 00:52:32.039

--> 00:52:35.639 The emphasis on that particular person. It does definitely depend 956 00:52:35.719 --> 00:52:37.880 on what you expose them to. If you expose them 957 00:52:37.920 --> 00:52:45.039 to some really questionable sexual content, yeah, and then they 958 00:52:45.079 --> 00:52:50.199 start associating sexual gratification with that type of stuff. 959 00:52:50.440 --> 00:52:51.039 Yeah. 960 00:52:51.239 --> 00:52:56.320 But just exposure in general at our early age, it 961 00:52:56.360 --> 00:52:59.320 could be, it could be harmful, and it can set 962 00:52:59.559 --> 00:53:03.400 it can step individuals up to seek out more because 963 00:53:03.440 --> 00:53:06.039 it's just like it's just like a drug or alcohol. 964 00:53:06.079 --> 00:53:08.239 You get a taste, just like then you want a 965 00:53:08.239 --> 00:53:11.280 bigger hit. You keep chasing that high. 966 00:53:10.960 --> 00:53:13.800 Until you just like cause it's all in trying to 967 00:53:13.840 --> 00:53:18.679 soup up this dopamine and be able to mimic that 968 00:53:18.760 --> 00:53:23.519 first hit, that first rush feeling. That's what you're constantly chasing. 969 00:53:23.599 --> 00:53:27.679 And that's when more explicit content comes into place, and 970 00:53:27.719 --> 00:53:28.719 it just goes. 971 00:53:28.639 --> 00:53:32.800 Just deeper and darker. And yeah, that's how. 972 00:53:33.400 --> 00:53:38.599 You end up with individuals that are being exposed nowadays 973 00:53:38.599 --> 00:53:44.079 with all types of interesting sexual endeavors. 974 00:53:45.559 --> 00:53:49.800 We briefly discussed as on the It wasn't a part 975 00:53:49.920 --> 00:53:52.880 of the As a Man series. It was actually how 976 00:53:52.920 --> 00:53:55.079 I ended season seven with the two part of that 977 00:53:55.199 --> 00:53:58.360 set up for the first As a Man volume Want, 978 00:53:58.519 --> 00:54:00.239 But it was a two part of the NDC and 979 00:54:00.280 --> 00:54:02.800 seven where at the end of season seven where I said, 980 00:54:02.840 --> 00:54:08.719 as a man, why do you have only fans? And yeah, 981 00:54:08.760 --> 00:54:11.039 and me and a homeboy. He didn't have only fans, 982 00:54:11.039 --> 00:54:14.119 but he was playing Devil's advocate in the conversation okay, 983 00:54:14.639 --> 00:54:17.480 and we talked about obviously morals. He made the comment 984 00:54:17.519 --> 00:54:19.159 with me and you probably are about the same, we 985 00:54:19.159 --> 00:54:21.760 think morels. But he said, but what everyone's morals is different, 986 00:54:22.079 --> 00:54:24.599 And I said, okay, that's a great point. But then 987 00:54:24.639 --> 00:54:28.239 at the same time, what in your mind makes you 988 00:54:28.320 --> 00:54:32.280 okay with being naked on camera for hundreds and thousands 989 00:54:32.320 --> 00:54:36.320 of people. And then if you're saying making comments and 990 00:54:36.360 --> 00:54:40.639 tweets and posts like dm me for content, what happens

991 00:54:40.679 --> 00:54:44.119 when someone who you're not attracted to, and or maybe 992 00:54:44.159 --> 00:54:47.000 the gender you're not attracted to gives you tells you 993 00:54:47.079 --> 00:54:49.119 I'll give you this if I watch you do this, 994 00:54:49.599 --> 00:54:52.960 you don't feel that you're compromising who you are as 995 00:54:52.960 --> 00:54:55.360 a person for a dollar bill because those are the 996 00:54:55.400 --> 00:54:58.880 worst people to me, And I say that proudly. If 997 00:54:58.920 --> 00:55:01.719 you do anything some money, you're the type you might 998 00:55:01.760 --> 00:55:05.079 get me killed, in my opinion, because it's kind of 999 00:55:05.159 --> 00:55:08.840 like un alive, because it's kind of like the snowball effect. 1000 00:55:08.960 --> 00:55:11.239 Is always the little thing, and then it's the next 1001 00:55:11.280 --> 00:55:13.280 big thing, and then it's this, and then it's that, 1002 00:55:13.360 --> 00:55:16.119 and next thing. You know, you only fans in it 1003 00:55:16.199 --> 00:55:19.039 up with a bunch of people who you would have 1004 00:55:19.159 --> 00:55:20.880 never did any of that with it because they gave 1005 00:55:20.880 --> 00:55:23.559 you the right dollar amount and because they eased you 1006 00:55:23.639 --> 00:55:25.719 in with this, that and the third. So at what 1007 00:55:25.920 --> 00:55:28.639 point do you stop? And that's the point that I'm 1008 00:55:28.679 --> 00:55:32.159 making with the whole perversion kind of thing, because when 1009 00:55:32.199 --> 00:55:34.719 that there's no, it's never foot field. It's like lust, 1010 00:55:35.039 --> 00:55:38.239 it's never satisfied. Think about and that's last time you 1011 00:55:38.239 --> 00:55:40.360 had a lustful encounter, and they're probably in that moment 1012 00:55:40.400 --> 00:55:42.960 it was like this is it? And then after you 1013 00:55:42.960 --> 00:55:45.480 didne calmed down and it was over where you think that, dang, 1014 00:55:45.800 --> 00:55:48.199 they're gonna do that again. Oh another time. I want 1015 00:55:48.199 --> 00:55:49.880 to try it like this. That's why I made the 1016 00:55:50.000 --> 00:55:53.360 joke on the Mental Man Monday, which it was a joke, 1017 00:55:53.400 --> 00:55:55.840 but it was the truth many months ago, and I said, like, 1018 00:55:55.920 --> 00:55:57.960 you know, you didn't say, ooh, this ain't enough. Let 1019 00:55:57.960 --> 00:56:00.440 me try another woman. Oh, let me try three women once, 1020 00:56:00.719 --> 00:56:02.880 Oh let me try this ain't enough. Now you're trying 1021 00:56:03.320 --> 00:56:05.039 all types of going to look up what I can 1022 00:56:05.079 --> 00:56:06.920 try next. Then you're like, well, I ain't never tried this. 1023 00:56:07.000 --> 00:56:10.000 Let's go down this road, you know. Yeah, that's why 1024 00:56:10.039 --> 00:56:12.760 people are so into so many crazy things and you 1025 00:56:12.880 --> 00:56:17.280 judging them. But it all started with one thing. So 1026 00:56:18.480 --> 00:56:22.360 it's just it's just that this is interesting. Just if 1027 00:56:22.360 --> 00:56:24.559 you really go down, you'll be here for five hours 1028 00:56:24.559 --> 00:56:25.199 talking about. 1029 00:56:26.599 --> 00:56:29.960 Talking about it because it is there's it's just it's 1030 00:56:29.960 --> 00:56:30.920 a rabbit hole. 1031 00:56:31.400 --> 00:56:34.840 It's a black hole. Yeah, you will not come out of. 1032 00:56:36.159 --> 00:56:38.599 Do you consider yourself a Christian sex therapist? 1033 00:56:40.639 --> 00:56:43.360 That's the first time I've been asked that question too. 1034 00:56:44.719 --> 00:56:47.760 I am a Christian who is a sex therapist. 1035 00:56:47.960 --> 00:56:50.840 I like where we're going in society today where people 1036 00:56:50.840 --> 00:56:53.119 instead of saying like, I'm a Christian podcast, and I'm like, 1037 00:56:53.119 --> 00:56:54.880 I'm a podcast, it was a Christian or I'm a 1038 00:56:55.000 --> 00:56:57.119 Christian writer, I'm a writer who happens to be Christian. 1039 00:56:57.360 --> 00:56:59.760 Because not that it labels you, because we're not gonna 1040 00:56:59.800 --> 00:57:03.039 die faith, but it's just it's just better that. 1041 00:57:02.920 --> 00:57:07.079 Way, better that way because the things that I talk about, 1042 00:57:07.239 --> 00:57:11.920 that I've engaged in, that I enjoy doesn't necessarily line 1043 00:57:12.000 --> 00:57:16.000 up to the traditional Christian or whatever the case may be, 1044 00:57:16.119 --> 00:57:19.119 whatever that is, I don't know. I know I have 1045 00:57:19.199 --> 00:57:22.679 a relationship with God. I know that who I consider 1046 00:57:22.800 --> 00:57:25.760 my higher power. That's all I need to know. And 1047 00:57:25.760 --> 00:57:27.719 how you want to classify that, that's. 1048 00:57:27.519 --> 00:57:30.280 On your own vernative. You go figure that out over there. 1049 00:57:30.960 --> 00:57:33.320 But I'm comfortable with who I am and what I'm 1050 00:57:33.360 --> 00:57:33.840 wanting to do. 1051 00:57:34.760 --> 00:57:37.440 Now, how do you address topic of sexuality with clients 1052 00:57:37.440 --> 00:57:39.880 from diverse faith backgrounds. 1053 00:57:40.679 --> 00:57:44.559 And spirituality from the humanistic approach? 1054 00:57:45.199 --> 00:57:48.760 Because there's a humanistic approach of psychology, there's a humanistic 1055 00:57:48.800 --> 00:57:50.840 approach when it comes to providing therapy. 1056 00:57:51.199 --> 00:57:53.280 So from that approach, I show up to. 1057 00:57:53.199 --> 00:57:57.920 You as a human being, and human sexuality is a thing, 1058 00:57:58.119 --> 00:58:00.920 and I want you to be the healthiest this version 1059 00:58:01.039 --> 00:58:03.719 of yourself when you're engaging in sexuality. 1060 00:58:03.800 --> 00:58:08.920 I don't care who with your orientation, gender, none of that, 1061 00:58:09.639 --> 00:58:12.800

none of that. I am here for all people, my beliefs, 1062 00:58:12.800 --> 00:58:13.559 for my beliefs. 1063 00:58:13.599 --> 00:58:18.440 However, I still have empathy for you as a human being. 1064 00:58:18.639 --> 00:58:21.800 That's what's wrong with our culture and our society. Were 1065 00:58:21.800 --> 00:58:23.760 so busy trying to tell other people what to do 1066 00:58:23.800 --> 00:58:26.760 with their lives. We can't just buind our own business 1067 00:58:26.760 --> 00:58:29.440 and just accept that that's who they choose to be. 1068 00:58:30.159 --> 00:58:32.239 But you gonna love them and support them and make 1069 00:58:32.280 --> 00:58:33.239 sure that they're healthy. 1070 00:58:33.400 --> 00:58:34.800 That's it. That's all you call the. 1071 00:58:34.760 --> 00:58:37.039 Dudes, love your neighbor. You ain't got to accept what 1072 00:58:37.079 --> 00:58:39.960 they do. You ain't gotta like try to change them. 1073 00:58:40.039 --> 00:58:41.920 None of that stuff. They not trying to do that 1074 00:58:42.000 --> 00:58:42.280 on you. 1075 00:58:42.880 --> 00:58:45.800 So like why kids, I just don't understand why you're 1076 00:58:45.800 --> 00:58:47.119 trying to control folks. 1077 00:58:47.159 --> 00:58:49.679 But also, let's flipp it. Let's talk about the person 1078 00:58:49.719 --> 00:58:52.519 who was the freak of the week owned being the 1079 00:58:52.559 --> 00:58:55.679 pervert on doing this, and then they have that lifestyle 1080 00:58:55.719 --> 00:58:58.840 where they that revelation where they say this ain't me, 1081 00:58:59.000 --> 00:59:01.360 this ain't I was in the wrong stuff. And now 1082 00:59:01.400 --> 00:59:04.320 they come out of that and it's like the same 1083 00:59:04.400 --> 00:59:07.599 people will try to shame them for now you know, 1084 00:59:07.679 --> 00:59:10.320 like that I was that wasn't me. I was into 1085 00:59:10.960 --> 00:59:13.880 the wrong stuff, and now I realized that that was dangerous, 1086 00:59:13.920 --> 00:59:17.320 that was unhealthy, that was this, And it's like it's 1087 00:59:17.320 --> 00:59:20.039 a double standard of shame for each side. So if 1088 00:59:20.039 --> 00:59:22.360 you was the freaking you getting changed by one community, 1089 00:59:22.400 --> 00:59:24.159 but then say, for instance, you was a freaking game 1090 00:59:24.239 --> 00:59:26.760 out of that you you really might get shamed from 1091 00:59:26.760 --> 00:59:28.599 both sides because it's gonna be the one side where 1092 00:59:28.639 --> 00:59:30.480 there might be not all but some Christians will look 1093 00:59:30.480 --> 00:59:32.360 at you like you used to do that, and then 1094 00:59:32.360 --> 00:59:34.039 it's the other side where you left that like, oh, 1095 00:59:34.079 --> 00:59:35.519 you think you better than me because you can do that, 1096 00:59:36.360 --> 00:59:39.760 and it's like, it's just But that's why you have 1097 00:59:39.840 --> 00:59:41.880 to have so much confidence in who

God called you 1098 00:59:42.079 --> 00:59:45.119 and that that won't even matter. 1099 00:59:45.519 --> 00:59:47.239 It don't even matter. I could care less. 1100 00:59:47.280 --> 00:59:50.599 Like I said, I've been different since I was little, 1101 00:59:51.039 --> 00:59:53.320 and it took me a while to accept that and 1102 00:59:53.440 --> 00:59:56.159 walk in that. But once I got liberated from people, 1103 00:59:56.239 --> 00:59:59.239 which was early, I'm glad I got it so early 1104 00:59:59.239 --> 01:00:04.360 because what I'm doing now no shame and dishonor would 1105 01:00:04.400 --> 01:00:05.119 be me. 1106 01:00:05.880 --> 01:00:10.119 Okay, So let's flip and this is my final question 1107 01:00:10.199 --> 01:00:12.360 in the challenge section. We go to the final segment, 1108 01:00:12.360 --> 01:00:14.719 but I gotta we gotta get the people on their 1109 01:00:14.760 --> 01:00:17.480 toes with this one. Now, let's flip it again. So 1110 01:00:17.559 --> 01:00:20.480 say you are a Bible believer, you believe in the Jesus, 1111 01:00:20.559 --> 01:00:22.880 and you believe in you know, you read your scripture 1112 01:00:23.360 --> 01:00:26.320 and which I've heard somebody say, where in the Bible 1113 01:00:26.360 --> 01:00:30.599 does it say to not watch porn? Show me description. Okay, 1114 01:00:31.719 --> 01:00:33.920 that's the question I want people to wish to talk 1115 01:00:33.960 --> 01:00:37.559 about that. Now we're gonna come back to that because 1116 01:00:37.599 --> 01:00:40.039 we're gonna go to the the final segment, which is 1117 01:00:40.079 --> 01:00:43.199 the Weekly Sabbattamy. And in this segment we kind of 1118 01:00:43.280 --> 01:00:45.199 just reminisce on some things and just kind of get 1119 01:00:45.239 --> 01:00:47.000 to that. So hold that thought, y'all. We're gonna get 1120 01:00:47.000 --> 01:00:48.639 to it. But I want you to think about that. 1121 01:00:48.719 --> 01:00:51.920 I want you to look through the Bible to find it. Now, 1122 01:00:52.199 --> 01:00:55.079 this is my question to you. How should churches and 1123 01:00:55.119 --> 01:00:57.599 faith based communities approach the poorn epidemic in a way 1124 01:00:57.639 --> 01:00:59.559 that encourages healing rather than guilt. 1125 01:01:00.559 --> 01:01:06.360 Let's have all these Bible meetings, prayer meetings, choir rehearsal, 1126 01:01:07.679 --> 01:01:10.400 shut ins for the weekend or the night and all 1127 01:01:10.480 --> 01:01:11.079 that stuff. 1128 01:01:11.280 --> 01:01:13.760 Can we have a night where were talking about sex? 1129 01:01:15.960 --> 01:01:19.639 We have like, can we have a conversation where we 1130 01:01:19.719 --> 01:01:23.800 talk about sex within the body of faith? You can 1131 01:01:23.840 --> 01:01:27.199 make it age appropriate, you can make it like however 1132 01:01:27.239 --> 01:01:28.280 you want to set it up. 1133 01:01:28.360 --> 01:01:29.480 But we need to set it. 1134 01:01:29.480 --> 01:01:31.840

Up and we need to talk about it because that's 1135 01:01:31.960 --> 01:01:36.719 usually where it happening, the incest, the touch and the 1136 01:01:36.800 --> 01:01:40.280 sleeping with everybody in the church, and the wimbling that 1137 01:01:40.400 --> 01:01:43.000 be going it be going on in these black churches. 1138 01:01:43.239 --> 01:01:46.039 And y'all know it, dude, because we got the shows 1139 01:01:46.079 --> 01:01:50.079 like Greenleaf and all this other stuff where it gets exposed. 1140 01:01:50.159 --> 01:01:53.039 This is real people, and you know it's real. So 1141 01:01:53.039 --> 01:01:54.920 I'm trying to sweep this stuff under the rood. 1142 01:01:55.280 --> 01:01:59.039 Right, And the sad part is it's not every church, 1143 01:01:59.119 --> 01:02:00.920 but it's a lot of them. And that's the problem 1144 01:02:00.960 --> 01:02:03.360 because it's just it's something that you get a bad 1145 01:02:03.440 --> 01:02:05.239 rap for the other ones, Like, you know, I might 1146 01:02:05.239 --> 01:02:08.239 get canceled. I don't believe all cops are bad, but unfortunately, 1147 01:02:08.239 --> 01:02:12.280 because they have so many bad ones. It's like, because 1148 01:02:12.320 --> 01:02:13.800 I'm being honest, even though I don't think all cops 1149 01:02:13.840 --> 01:02:16.079 are bad, if I get pulled off, I'm gonna be I'm. 1150 01:02:15.920 --> 01:02:18.199 Gonna be, you know, trying to make sure I put 1151 01:02:18.239 --> 01:02:20.800 my hands on the stand. Whell, Hey, my stuff is 1152 01:02:20.840 --> 01:02:23.239 in my purse, Is it okay? If I open it up? 1153 01:02:23.960 --> 01:02:26.599 You know, I'm gonna be respectful, but I'm on guard 1154 01:02:27.159 --> 01:02:28.039 at the same time. 1155 01:02:29.400 --> 01:02:31.760 So we've kind of already covered this about you know, 1156 01:02:31.840 --> 01:02:35.719 especially me and anybody of faith who feel trapped in 1157 01:02:35.800 --> 01:02:37.920 the porn and they're scared to talk about it or 1158 01:02:37.960 --> 01:02:41.760 discuss it. But what would be the first steps. We know, 1159 01:02:41.960 --> 01:02:44.159 talking about it or speaking about it is one thing, 1160 01:02:44.519 --> 01:02:47.480 but what would be another step for somebody who struggled 1161 01:02:48.119 --> 01:02:50.320 with porn on man, especially who wants to, especially a 1162 01:02:50.360 --> 01:02:52.440 Christian man who wants to get out of it. But 1163 01:02:52.559 --> 01:02:56.320 they they, they, they just can't seem to. 1164 01:02:57.639 --> 01:02:59.000 You gotta know when you're ready. 1165 01:02:59.280 --> 01:03:02.480 You can't can't be liberated or freed out of something 1166 01:03:02.480 --> 01:03:03.400 that you're not ready. 1167 01:03:04.199 --> 01:03:06.400 You get tired of yourself, you know when? 1168 01:03:07.719 --> 01:03:13.840 Yeah, no when. So I want to ask this question. 1169 01:03:13.840 --> 01:03:16.079 I'm gonna add my take and then we're gonna I'm 1170 01:03:16.079 --> 01:03:18.960 gonna let you the experts speak. But the next question says, 1171 01:03:19.000 --> 01:03:22.000 what role is faith playing overcoming porn addiction? Is spiritually 1172 01:03:22.039 --> 01:03:25.000 missing a peace and modern recovery. So I'm gonna answer 1173 01:03:25.000 --> 01:03:28.320 off this. You can have all the casting out the demons, 1174 01:03:28.800 --> 01:03:31.880 and you can have them all extracted and they will go, 1175 01:03:32.639 --> 01:03:36.920 But what happens when they try to come back and 1176 01:03:37.039 --> 01:03:41.199 the mindset has not changed? Now you got the ball, 1177 01:03:41.239 --> 01:03:42.159 Now I need you to dump it. 1178 01:03:42.400 --> 01:03:45.159 How you gonna see there and tell me? I'm the expert. 1179 01:03:45.280 --> 01:03:48.719 You just basically just experted it out. What am I 1180 01:03:48.760 --> 01:03:49.400 supposed to do? 1181 01:03:50.320 --> 01:03:50.960 You can? 1182 01:03:51.119 --> 01:03:52.639 They ain't gonna believe it from me. They got to 1183 01:03:52.679 --> 01:03:54.519 hear from the person that's certified. 1184 01:03:55.239 --> 01:03:58.519 All right, So say you get exercise and all the 1185 01:03:58.559 --> 01:04:02.039 holy water and you get save fifty thousand times and 1186 01:04:02.039 --> 01:04:05.079 youre going to alter you welding and all that stuff. Right, 1187 01:04:05.559 --> 01:04:09.079 what you're doing after that? Are you girding up yourself? 1188 01:04:09.360 --> 01:04:11.480 You know when they say put on the armor of God. 1189 01:04:11.800 --> 01:04:14.280 Are you protecting your mind? Are you feeding your mind 1190 01:04:14.320 --> 01:04:17.480 with healthy things? Do you have an accountability partner? Are 1191 01:04:17.480 --> 01:04:20.440 you involved in group? Are you going to therapy? Are 1192 01:04:20.480 --> 01:04:23.159 you engaged in healthy coping skills? So when you do 1193 01:04:23.280 --> 01:04:26.280 get triggered, you know what to put in place as 1194 01:04:26.280 --> 01:04:29.920 a shield to protect you from these things that gonna 1195 01:04:29.960 --> 01:04:30.519 come back. 1196 01:04:30.880 --> 01:04:31.719 They gonna come back. 1197 01:04:31.760 --> 01:04:36.480 And don't feel like, oh, once you get extracted from 1198 01:04:36.480 --> 01:04:39.960 that lifestyle or that behaviors or all that that, that 1199 01:04:40.119 --> 01:04:42.360 you're not gonna be tried again. You're gonna be tried, 1200 01:04:42.440 --> 01:04:46.599 just in different areas. It only gets stronger. You get 1201 01:04:46.639 --> 01:04:50.199 the same test. It's just when you're gonna figure out 1202 01:04:50.199 --> 01:04:54.559 the lesson part. So as you continue to walk down 1203 01:04:54.599 --> 01:04:57.920 this journey of faith, you're never immune from trial. 1204 01:04:58.639 --> 01:05:04.119 You're never a room from being tried or challenged in. 1205 01:05:03.519 --> 01:05:06.079 This area that area, because if it don't come

from that, 1206 01:05:06.159 --> 01:05:08.599 it's gonna come from somewhere else. So it may not 1207 01:05:08.639 --> 01:05:10.440 show up when it comes to porn, but it may 1208 01:05:10.480 --> 01:05:13.159 show up when it comes to a potential partner who 1209 01:05:13.239 --> 01:05:18.599 likes to engage in sexual things that could lead you 1210 01:05:18.679 --> 01:05:22.800 back to other stuff, you know, but you're so pressed 1211 01:05:22.840 --> 01:05:25.760 on being in a relationship with somebody you not looking 1212 01:05:25.800 --> 01:05:28.599 out for the signs and the red flags. So you 1213 01:05:28.760 --> 01:05:31.320 just got to be on guard at all times. 1214 01:05:31.960 --> 01:05:34.360 Absolutely. I like that. So going back to what I 1215 01:05:34.360 --> 01:05:37.159 said earlier when it was like, well there's no specific scripture, 1216 01:05:37.239 --> 01:05:39.719 I actually have an article and this is from It's 1217 01:05:39.719 --> 01:05:42.280 called It's watching porn to Sin and what does the 1218 01:05:42.280 --> 01:05:44.559 Bible say? This is by Joe Ryan, so he says 1219 01:05:44.639 --> 01:05:47.840 the Biblical perspective on pornography. The article emphasizes that while 1220 01:05:47.880 --> 01:05:51.880 the term isn't explicitly mentioned in a bottle, Bible scripture 1221 01:05:52.000 --> 01:05:56.519 clearly condemned sexual and morality, which encompasses lustful thoughts and actions. 1222 01:05:56.719 --> 01:05:58.840 So it talks about Jesus in Matthew Fi five and 1223 01:05:58.880 --> 01:06:01.039 twenty eight highlights to even looking as someone lustfully is 1224 01:06:01.079 --> 01:06:04.039 akin to committing adult in one's heart. So if looking 1225 01:06:04.079 --> 01:06:06.199 at someone you think that, it don't count they on 1226 01:06:06.280 --> 01:06:09.519 the screen. So I think people didn't equate they was like, well, 1227 01:06:09.559 --> 01:06:11.559 they ain't have screens back then, I'm like, come on, now, 1228 01:06:11.559 --> 01:06:12.760 I think outside the box. 1229 01:06:12.840 --> 01:06:16.480 Y'all trying to justify whatever y'all can to validate your. 1230 01:06:17.920 --> 01:06:23.320 Unhealthy patterns're frequently so then it says impact on personal purity. 1231 01:06:23.760 --> 01:06:26.719 Engaging with pornography can lead individuals away from a life 1232 01:06:26.719 --> 01:06:29.239 of holiness. As it fought, there's luss and impure thoughts. 1233 01:06:29.440 --> 01:06:31.840 The consumption only affects one relationship with God, but can 1234 01:06:31.840 --> 01:06:35.800 also distor personal views on sexuality and intimacy, like she said, 1235 01:06:35.920 --> 01:06:38.679 which is a scripture for that. It says, above all us, 1236 01:06:38.679 --> 01:06:40.440 guard your how for everything you do flows from and 1237 01:06:40.480 --> 01:06:43.159 keep your mouth free from perversity, keep corrupt talk from 1238 01:06:43.199 --> 01:06:45.559 your lips. Look, let your eyes look straight ahead, fix 1239 01:06:45.599 --> 01:06:49.599 your gaze directly before you. So that's something else to 1240 01:06:49.679 --> 01:06:51.280 keep in mind, because, like I said, if you don't 1241 01:06:51.280 --> 01:06:53.079 have the things in place, what are you gonna do? 1242 01:06:54.639 --> 01:06:58.000 Even though the Bible doesn't explicitly mention the word porn, 1243 01:06:58.119 --> 01:07:01.800 according to the article, it says that distors God's designed 1244 01:07:01.840 --> 01:07:05.320 for sexual reality, fuels lusts and damaged relationships. We didn't 1245 01:07:05.320 --> 01:07:08.079 say that a million times. If nothing else is damaging 1246 01:07:08.119 --> 01:07:11.079 your relationships you already got bad relationships. This could be 1247 01:07:11.199 --> 01:07:14.440 probably part of the reason, you know. I remember somebody 1248 01:07:14.519 --> 01:07:18.400 said they talked about every night they put themselves to sleep, 1249 01:07:18.519 --> 01:07:20.159 and this is a man that says that, so you 1250 01:07:20.199 --> 01:07:23.000 can infer what that means by that. And they said, 1251 01:07:23.039 --> 01:07:27.280 it's like the the phrase was used, is like a 1252 01:07:27.320 --> 01:07:29.639 good night kiss. And I said, well, it's like the 1253 01:07:29.719 --> 01:07:33.920 kiss of death. Because as you're doing that every single night, 1254 01:07:34.000 --> 01:07:37.239 what do you think your brain is just clouded with 1255 01:07:37.519 --> 01:07:43.320 just yeah, and don't we aren't taught that we really 1256 01:07:43.360 --> 01:07:47.320 think that that's okay. So my last few questions one 1257 01:07:47.360 --> 01:07:51.039 includes can you a relationship truly recover after porn addiction? 1258 01:07:51.559 --> 01:07:54.639 And can a mind one person own mind truly recover 1259 01:07:54.679 --> 01:07:58.400 after porn addiction or does porn always leave a lasting damage? 1260 01:07:58.519 --> 01:07:59.880 Leave lasting damage? 1261 01:08:00.039 --> 01:08:05.599 So yes, a person can recover and a relationship can recover, 1262 01:08:06.079 --> 01:08:08.440 but this is something that you have to work on 1263 01:08:08.559 --> 01:08:09.480 every single day. 1264 01:08:09.880 --> 01:08:12.159 Whether you stay in the relationship or not, You're still. 1265 01:08:11.960 --> 01:08:13.920 Gonna have to work on this every single day because 1266 01:08:13.920 --> 01:08:14.880 it's never gonna go away. 1267 01:08:14.960 --> 01:08:20.000 That voice is always going to be in the back spread. 1268 01:08:20.560 --> 01:08:22.720 You get triggered out here in the red world because 1269 01:08:22.720 --> 01:08:25.840 the whole right, and everything is triggering out here, you know. 1270 01:08:26.079 --> 01:08:29.399 Oh you it's okay, it's just one time. 1271 01:08:29.479 --> 01:08:34.239 There's all these little like subtle you know, things that 1272 01:08:34.279 --> 01:08:36.640 come into place that kind of gets you to

regress 1273 01:08:36.720 --> 01:08:38.520 backwards and stuff like that. 1274 01:08:39.319 --> 01:08:42.680 It's a constant battle, it's a constant batley. So that's 1275 01:08:42.680 --> 01:08:43.439 for the individual. 1276 01:08:43.479 --> 01:08:47.840 For relational things, yeah, it's gonna you have to do 1277 01:08:47.880 --> 01:08:50.880 your individual work, and you have to do work within 1278 01:08:50.960 --> 01:08:52.760 the couple. You have to be intentional, you have to 1279 01:08:52.760 --> 01:08:54.760 be present. But these things that you should be doing 1280 01:08:54.800 --> 01:08:56.600 any way. But you know, we're not taught how to 1281 01:08:56.640 --> 01:09:00.840 have healthy relationships or to engage in relationships that beyond sex, 1282 01:09:01.319 --> 01:09:03.760 money or anything that what you can do for me, 1283 01:09:04.199 --> 01:09:07.720 everything's ever. Everything that we engage in as black people 1284 01:09:07.800 --> 01:09:12.359 within relationships is surface level. So that's number one. But 1285 01:09:12.439 --> 01:09:15.760 number two, we have to get dive into our emotions. 1286 01:09:15.760 --> 01:09:18.520 We have to become vulnerable, which as black men, they 1287 01:09:18.520 --> 01:09:20.760 don't teach y'all how to be vulnerable, which that is 1288 01:09:20.880 --> 01:09:23.520 essentially the highest form of strength is being able to share. 1289 01:09:23.720 --> 01:09:27.000 But black women struggle at times being able to weaponize 1290 01:09:27.319 --> 01:09:31.000 men sharing their emotions as they're not masculine enough or 1291 01:09:31.079 --> 01:09:36.319 their female tendencies or whatever the case. When it's just like, no, 1292 01:09:36.880 --> 01:09:40.279 he's a human being just like you. He just engages 1293 01:09:40.359 --> 01:09:42.560 in his expressions in a different way. Who are you 1294 01:09:42.640 --> 01:09:45.000 to judge him? Because when you just trying to well 1295 01:09:45.039 --> 01:09:47.960 all the time and talk about your emotions all of. 1296 01:09:48.039 --> 01:09:49.800 That, it's just a lot. 1297 01:09:50.039 --> 01:09:52.680 Men are logical, women are emotional. We got to find 1298 01:09:52.680 --> 01:09:56.800 a balance with one another, and so it takes work. 1299 01:09:58.279 --> 01:09:59.680 It just takes a lot of work. 1300 01:10:00.359 --> 01:10:02.159 I think so too. And then you know, I saw 1301 01:10:02.199 --> 01:10:05.119 something else and this ain't the relationships topic episode. We 1302 01:10:05.159 --> 01:10:07.960 say that for later in the season. But what I 1303 01:10:08.000 --> 01:10:10.760 will says, I remember I saw a meme or video. 1304 01:10:10.840 --> 01:10:13.079 It was this guy said how how a woman creates 1305 01:10:13.079 --> 01:10:16.920 a nonchalant man? And he had a milk mustache, like 1306 01:10:17.000 --> 01:10:18.359 joking with her. I was like, hey, babe, look at 1307 01:10:18.359 --> 01:10:20.520 my milk mustache. She was like, don't do that ever again. 1308 01:10:21.079 --> 01:10:23.399 It was several instances of her being like kind of 1309 01:10:23.439 --> 01:10:25.439 acting like that, and then finally he was just like 1310 01:10:25.479 --> 01:10:28.279 every time, like yeah, whatever, why are you so serious? 1311 01:10:28.359 --> 01:10:30.159 You acting so serious now? Girl? 1312 01:10:30.760 --> 01:10:33.479 Do you not know when he wasn't serious? You were 1313 01:10:33.560 --> 01:10:35.239 serious and you didn't want him to act like that 1314 01:10:35.279 --> 01:10:39.760 because you felt whatever you felt like, we we're gonna 1315 01:10:39.760 --> 01:10:42.000 say that for the next episode. 1316 01:10:42.319 --> 01:10:47.279 We're gonna bring you back. So where can people find 1317 01:10:47.479 --> 01:10:49.760 real help books, therapy, support groups if they wanted to 1318 01:10:49.800 --> 01:10:52.760 break free from porn addiction? Besides yourself? Do you do virtual? 1319 01:10:53.520 --> 01:10:57.520 I do do virtual virtual I do in person. You 1320 01:10:57.600 --> 01:11:03.840 can find sex anonymous groups within wherever you are. There's 1321 01:11:03.880 --> 01:11:05.000 there's ESSAA. 1322 01:11:06.239 --> 01:11:09.279 You can google it. You can find resources online. 1323 01:11:10.079 --> 01:11:13.199 All this stuff on Amazon, all that stuff that y'all 1324 01:11:13.199 --> 01:11:15.960 be finding on Instagram and t and all that stuff. 1325 01:11:15.960 --> 01:11:17.479 I only engaged and none of that stuff. I have 1326 01:11:17.560 --> 01:11:21.319 no social media presence whatsoever. When it comes to my business. 1327 01:11:21.640 --> 01:11:25.520 You gotta find me. But there's stuff out there that 1328 01:11:25.600 --> 01:11:27.199 you can find and engage in. 1329 01:11:27.680 --> 01:11:29.880 It's out there. Just look. 1330 01:11:30.199 --> 01:11:32.840 I gotta do Google, all right, you gotta do with Google. 1331 01:11:34.119 --> 01:11:36.319 Question the challenge for the week, how has your perspective 1332 01:11:36.359 --> 01:11:39.000 on porn change? And then do you see how healthy 1333 01:11:39.039 --> 01:11:41.920 point is now? And so, honestly, I know it's gonna 1334 01:11:41.920 --> 01:11:43.600 be somebody to be like, well, it don't bother me. 1335 01:11:43.800 --> 01:11:46.159 But you know, even y'all, I mean, just just as honest. 1336 01:11:46.199 --> 01:11:48.399 But I know y'all be seeing the dan dow Taps 1337 01:11:48.439 --> 01:11:51.640 and all these other males speakers who, whether you agree 1338 01:11:51.680 --> 01:11:53.720 with whatever they believe in a lot of them are 1339 01:11:53.760 --> 01:11:56.119 all on the same accord with porn and how damaging 1340 01:11:56.159 --> 01:11:58.760 it is. So I think that we'll be able to 1341 01:11:58.760 --> 01:12:01.760 see unity and at least one topic across the board 1342 01:12:02.119 --> 01:12:04.239 because of how it's destroying me and now they cater 1343 01:12:04.319 -->

01:12:05.800 to me and ain't speaking for women. It of course 1344 01:12:05.800 --> 01:12:08.640 the damaging to them too, but they like as a man, 1345 01:12:09.039 --> 01:12:10.079 it's it's it's. 1346 01:12:09.920 --> 01:12:11.840 Just a lot when it comes to the women. 1347 01:12:11.960 --> 01:12:15.119 The engagement when it comes to women in porn is 1348 01:12:15.239 --> 01:12:19.920 more of the storyline porn, the fantasies, the rodica, the 1349 01:12:19.960 --> 01:12:23.760 fifty shades of gray as them books. 1350 01:12:24.000 --> 01:12:27.239 What what's the what's that black author? Uh? 1351 01:12:27.720 --> 01:12:30.720 Somebody was telling me, I can't remember something something it's 1352 01:12:30.760 --> 01:12:34.079 this famous black author that that wrote these books that 1353 01:12:34.199 --> 01:12:37.239 women be all turned up on about and all this 1354 01:12:37.279 --> 01:12:41.560 stuff stuff that that's your porn, that's the one that's 1355 01:12:41.600 --> 01:12:44.159 your port. Because we don't function like that. We don't 1356 01:12:44.319 --> 01:12:45.359 we don't get. 1357 01:12:45.199 --> 01:12:48.159 Aroused by like the physical aspect of things. 1358 01:12:48.199 --> 01:12:51.399 We want to be wood, We want to be seduced 1359 01:12:51.640 --> 01:12:55.199 and and catered to like it's just you know, we're 1360 01:12:55.279 --> 01:12:58.399 that's just how we operate. So, yes, women struggle in 1361 01:12:58.439 --> 01:13:03.039 this area too. Do I feel like it's changed our perspective? 1362 01:13:04.239 --> 01:13:11.279 I understand it from a from a professional, educational, academic way. 1363 01:13:11.520 --> 01:13:15.159 Now, it's still unhealthy. 1364 01:13:15.239 --> 01:13:18.720 It's not something that I wouldn't necessarily like engage in, 1365 01:13:18.960 --> 01:13:22.279 just because it's just like I want to engage in 1366 01:13:22.359 --> 01:13:25.199 these types of things with my partner, So you know, 1367 01:13:25.479 --> 01:13:28.079 I want to show up and be present and intentional 1368 01:13:28.159 --> 01:13:29.840 with my partner, and I hope my partner would want 1369 01:13:29.840 --> 01:13:32.560 to do the same with me from an aspect of 1370 01:13:32.680 --> 01:13:36.159 not having all this unrealistic stuff. No, I want you 1371 01:13:36.439 --> 01:13:38.960 and you won't be And that's kind of how I 1372 01:13:39.000 --> 01:13:42.279 feel about poorn in my perspective on it. 1373 01:13:42.920 --> 01:13:45.880 Okay, anything else you want to pub or add today 1374 01:13:45.920 --> 01:13:46.520 before we go? 1375 01:13:47.560 --> 01:13:53.239 No, this this tops my interview like a podcast interview. 1376 01:13:54.359 --> 01:13:55.079 This was fun. 1377 01:13:55.600 --> 01:13:58.399 This was so much fun. Like, I love how you 1378 01:13:58.439 --> 01:14:01.479 set this up. I love because this is my type 1379 01:14:01.479 --> 01:14:04.319 of vibe. So you keep doing what you're doing is. 1380 01:14:04.359 --> 01:14:08.800 Because okay, Okay, well, like I said, look, you don't 1381 01:14:08.800 --> 01:14:10.319 it's not a one time thing. You can come back. 1382 01:14:10.319 --> 01:14:15.319 We can find another topic in your field. Yeah, all right, 1383 01:14:15.359 --> 01:14:17.199 thank you, so all right, y'all, thank you for tuning 1384 01:14:17.279 --> 01:14:20.840 this week and next. Sure y'all see tuning next week. 1385 01:14:20.840 --> 01:14:23.520 We got another great episode. P S. A Sign and out. 1386 01:14:23.680 --> 01:14:25.800 Always remember, keep your head of like a net. Kurt, 1387 01:14:25.880 --> 01:14:28.079 remember who you are, make your mind up, don't let 1388 01:14:28.119 --> 01:14:30.960 it make you. And I always remember I love us 1389 01:14:31.159 --> 01:14:31.560 for real