TRANSCRIPT 🔗
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So there are three types of men that lead women into narcissistic relationships.
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That is the friend, that is the coworker, and that is the church member.
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Now, I could have named a few more, but those are the three common ways that the women I have spoken to how they have met men.
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Now, I know why you choose this man.
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You believe that because you've known them for a while, that you trust them.
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So because they're a great friend, they're familiar, they must make a good boyfriend.
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But just because somebody's a good friend doesn't mean that they'll make a good boyfriend.
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There's people who wear masks out there.
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A lot of people actually do this.
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And there's men who don't have the confidence to be direct with a woman, to approach a woman, let them know how he feels.
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And a man that's like that, that has his insecurity, he's gonna take indirect routes to get with you.
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He's gonna lie about who he is because he doesn't like who he is.
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He's gonna go the friend route, he's gonna take the long road so that you get comfortable with him, you build an emotional connection with him, and it's gonna be harder for you to walk away.
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So the key is regardless if you know someone or not, you have to vet someone.
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And there's tactics that you can use to properly vet a man.
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So in this video, I'm gonna discuss with you the four fears of men, the role that anxiety plays when you're choosing a partner, and why you keep choosing the same type of man.
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So let's get into it.
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So there are four types of fears that insecure men have.
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The way that I got these four types of fears is just living life, having guy friends.
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And I discovered these in college.
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Now I didn't realize that these types of men that had these insecurities actually showed these odd behaviors in relationships until I saw these men within their relationships and the things that they would talk to me about behind closed doors.
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So that is a man will typically have a fear of income.
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He doesn't have as much money as he believes he should have.
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There's men who have a fear of defending themselves, there's men who have a fear of attracting the opposite sex, and there's a man who fear that they're height, they don't believe they're tall enough.
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So you really want to watch for these four insecurities.
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If a man has an insecurity in any one of these areas, that's showing that he has an emotional issue.
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He has emotional issues.
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And if he lies about who he is, about how much money he has, his ability to attract women, he's always comparing himself to other men physically.
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You know, he's lying about his height.
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That shows that that man doesn't like himself.
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And unfortunately, if a man doesn't love himself, there's no way that he can love you.
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So the first one that I'm going to really dig into is the fear of income.
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Now, there's a lot of men out there who just don't believe that they're good enough unless they're making six figures.
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So these men, they'll typically try to pretend to be this high-status, high-value man.
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He'll try to drive a fancy car that he can't afford.
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He'll take vacations he can't afford.
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He'll take you on these very expensive dates.
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He's doing these things because he's trying to manipulate you.
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He wants to come off as a high-value man, and he's looking for a woman who is basically on the hunt looking for a guy that has money.
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That's what he's doing.
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And it's a way to manipulate you.
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So the best way to deter these men or to see them early on is to control the pace of the relationship.
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Now, a lot of you guys have this false belief that if a guy texts you, he's always available, that he's a great guy, he really likes you.
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And if a guy doesn't give you all of the all of his attention when you guys first meet each other, he must not like you.
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That's not the case.
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My channel, me as a coach, my whole my whole process is divide is around building secure habits.
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And a secure woman doesn't need a man's attention for validation.
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She validates herself.
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And a man, yeah, she wants to be in a romantic, loving relationship, but she's not forcing it.
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She's not rushing it.
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She's taking her time to get to know somebody.
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Men who are insecure, they want to control the relationship.
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They want to control you.
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That's why there's men out there who will say, hey, I'll take care of all the bills.
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You don't have to work, you can stay home, because that
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allows him to control the relationship.
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You're stuck.
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Basically, you're trapped, and there's no way that you can go.
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There's a lot of men who do that.
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And unfortunately, I've spoken to a lot of women over the last year who are in this position where they can't walk away, or they believe they can't walk away.
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But it's usually due to the fact that they don't have income to walk away and to build their lives.
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So you want to pace the relationship.
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Only speak to this person when setting dates.
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There's no reason for you guys to be, when you first meet somebody, to be chatting every single day.
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I've spoken to women who were in these long-distance fantasy relationships for months with guys.
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And then she's like, oh, he's really nice.
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You know, he lives in this different state.
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And after months of talking every day, they'll move in with this guy, move to a different state for this guy.
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And then the thing, the problems start happening.
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My point is that a woman who has her life together, who's happy with her schedule, she doesn't need, she doesn't want to give all of her attention to a stranger.
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If a man is high value and he has a lot of things going on, why would a high value man, a man that's responsible, and man that has hobbies, and man that's taking care of business, why would he be texting you every single day?
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Why would he be spending time with you every single week?
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You you want to watch out for these types of controlling behaviors because men who are trying to control you, when they get you, they're gonna emotionally abuse you, mentally emotionally abuse you.
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They'll come off like they're very well put together, articulate, educated.
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And then over time, as they get more comfortable and the attachment starts to form.
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They do this with friends and romantic partners, then the mask comes down and you can see the instability within them.
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But it's gonna be very difficult for you to see that instability if you're not stable yourself.
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Believe it or not, there are men out there that are constantly sizing themselves up against other men.
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They're always asking themselves, can I take this guy?
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What I most commonly see is that these guys will look at men who are successful.
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Maybe the guy has he's in shape, maybe they believe the guy has a great life, etc., and it triggers some kind of insecurity within them.
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And this man will start to size up people and just think, like, oh, maybe I can fight, I can beat him in a fight, though.
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You know, it might seem funny at the beginning and cute because he's trying to be tough, but I promise you, men like this, from my personal experience, these men tend to have anger issues, anger emotional issues, and they're they feel inadequate towards other men.
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So, because of that, they need to let you know that they're strong and that they're tough.
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So, what they'll do is those those emotional anger issues will show up in your relationship.
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The guy will be yelling at you, he'll be slamming cabinets, he may raise his voice and try to put you down, he may get in your face.
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He's doing these things because he has a fear of defending himself.
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So he wants to make sure that he makes it clear to you that if things need to become physical, he can become physical.
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Macho guys may look masculine at the beginning, but really it's a weakness.
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It's a weakness if a man has to put his woman down, if he has to make you feel small, if he has to scare you in order to feel strong.
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Most women I speak to, they want a masculine man.
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They want a dominant man.
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But that man shouldn't feel like he has to dominate you in order to feel safe within the relationship.
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On the internet, there's a lot of men who are calling women narcissists.
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They're calling women narcissists because they're getting a lot of male attention, right?
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If a woman is getting attention from guys and she's telling you she's getting attention from guys, then she's not lying.
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But what you'll see is narcissists tend to be grandiose.
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They tend to over exaggerate who they are and what they do.
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My point is the things that men complain about with women, I'm learning from speaking with women that there's a lot of guys out there that are also, they use women for validation.
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There's men who have a lot of female friends, female friends that want to hook up with them, but they'll tell their girlfriend, like, hey, you know, no, don't worry about that.
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And they do these things knowing that the woman, knowing that these women actually are attracted to them.
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They use these women against their girlfriend to make her girlfriend feel insecure.
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And it's a way of letting a
girlfriend know, like, hey, I can I can get other women.
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That's a weakness.
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Because a man that's strong and that's confident, he shouldn't make his girl fear losing him in the relationship.
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You, your girlfriend, in my opinion, you're the person you're with, they should know that if they push your boundaries too far, yes, you can walk away.
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A person shouldn't deliberately try to make you feel insecure within that relationship.
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If a man is ever with you and he's looking at other women, he's talking about other women.
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This is his way of probing to see what he can get away with, what you will tolerate.
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If you see this one to two times, cut your losses.
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I know that you may like this guy, you may have this idea of what a future with this guy will look like.
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When people show you these subtle disrespectful signs in the relationship, save yourself the mental health and get out of there.
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Lastly, this is the dumbest thing that a man can lie about.
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But there's men out there that are not most men are not six feet, but there's a lot of guys that lie about their height.
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Now, the way I discovered this was in college.
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I'm 6'1, but I met men who were 5'10 and will say that they were 6'2.
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Me and a good friend of mine, actually in college, that were both around the same height, had this experience.
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But these men will say that they're 6'2.
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And I would say, hey man, no, I'm 6'1.
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There's no way that you're 6'2.
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And they will say, Oh no, I'm 6'5.
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You got to be like 6'5 because I'm 6'2.
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I don't know where men came up with this crap, but this men, they believe that if they are not six feet, that they are not valuable.
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Common sense would tell you that if most people are under six feet, that means most men that are having babies are under six feet.
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Now, if a man is lying to you about something this small, there's a very strong chance that he's going to lie to you about much bigger things.
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I'm not telling you that you need to find a guy that's perfect.
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What I'm telling you is you need to find a guy that loves himself.
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A man that loves himself, he doesn't lie about his income.
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He doesn't lie about his credit score, he doesn't lie about his height.
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He's not sizing himself up against
guys all the time.
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And he doesn't need a lot of women for validation.
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If somebody's honest with you, you can always build with them.
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But if they're lying about little tiny things like this, and you see these consistent little lies, there is no relationship because you're falling in love with somebody who doesn't exist.
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Now we're going to talk about the role that anxiety plays in relationship.
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Now, a lot of us are not aware of this, but anxiety plays a major role in who we choose as a partner.
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I remember in my early, my early 20s, late teens, if there was a woman that I was really attracted to, and this woman was attracted to me, I wouldn't date her at all.
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I would actually hook her up with one of my friends.
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I would introduce her to one of my guy friends.
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It made me feel so uncomfortable on a very deep level.
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I just then believed that I deserved love in that kind of way.
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It triggered my anxiety.
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It made me very uncomfortable.
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And I wasn't aware that that was happening.
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And I promise you, you're doing something similar.
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So what I would do was I would get with women that I knew the relationship would be short term.
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Women who I would get into like this player type of character, and then they would play a type of character.
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And it was both of us knew that we were playing this game and wearing this mask, and things would be more short term.
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I had no idea that my anxiety was governing me early on in my relationships.
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My point is the way that we saw love modeled from our parents, and the way that we got affection from our parents, inconsistent affection from our parents, that was passed on to us.
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Sometimes our parents were, and like in my case, I had a great relationship with my mother, my grandmother.
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I grew up in a very loving household.
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I had a lot of attention.
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I'm the oldest grandbaby, my mom's the oldest child, so I had my uncle, my aunts in the house.
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I had a lot of love.
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So I had a lot of attention.
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But my mother has an insecure attachment.
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My mom's avoidant, my grandmother's avoidant.
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So I became avoidant.
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I had no idea that this was showing up in my relationships.
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And I can promise you that if you're getting with these types of men, and especially if you've been with these types of men for a number of years, and you're you keep getting in these bad relationships, you have unaddressed, insecure habits that are governing your relationships.
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Now, attachment styles was discovered by psychologist John Bobey, and he looked into the relationship between a mother and a child.
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Boby coined the term affectionless psychopathy.
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This term was used to describe how children's perceptions of being abandoned, rejected, and unloved contributed to delinquent behaviors.
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Now Boby dictated that a child's emotional health had a strong correlation to the relationship with their mother.
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A child's relationship with the mother was like how nutrients are for your physical health.
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As I stated, I had a great relationship with my mother, but my mother was avoidant.
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I didn't grow up with a lot of I love views, hugs and kisses, a lot of affection, and it showed up in my relationships.
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I remember women telling me that I was cold.
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I had no idea what they meant.
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I think I'm thinking to myself, I'm taking you on dates.
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I'm a great communicator.
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I'm sleeping with you.
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What more do you need from me?
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And it wasn't until I developed great relationships with women.
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Friendships with women.
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These women were actually from overseas.
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They're from Europe, parts of the Middle East, and these women were just more affectionate.
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Hand holding, hugs, kisses on the cheeks.
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Even the men in those countries are more affectionate with men.
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So after having these friendships with women, I was able to look back at my romantic relationships and I could see that, oh wow, this is what I was missing in my relationships.
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Just caressing a woman's shoulders, holding her, kissing her on the cheek, telling her I love you.
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Small little things can make a woman feel desired.
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And those are things that I wasn't doing in my relationship.
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There was also a moment where I used to have a monthly, a month-to-month membership with women.
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And we would talk about the whole purpose of it was to heal our attachments.
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Now I stopped that program because it just the people weren't as serious.
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But there was a woman specifically, her husband had come to her about not being happy.
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And then she told her response to that was, Well, I don't know what you want me to do with that.
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And I asked her, I was like, Hey, don't you feel like that's a little dismissive towards your husband?
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She's like, Well, hey, I want a man that's confident.
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I don't want a man that's not happy.
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What I'm supposed to do with that?
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And every answer, every question that she had, every answer she gave was an avoidant answer.
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And I told her, I was like, hey, you know, based off of the answers that you've given, they're coming off as avoidant.
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For example, what if it was your children that came to you and said, hey, I'm not happy?
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Or your children saw you do something like this and saw their father say, Hey, I'm not happy, and then you dismiss them.
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Wouldn't you think that that would teach them that maybe their needs aren't important?
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And then she told, Well, I would never do that with my children, but my husband, well, you know, you're telling me you're secure, but the answers you're giving me are insecure.
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She felt some type of way and she let me know in a private message.
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She wasn't disrespectful.
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But my point is that I promise you, there's things that you're doing in your relationships that are destroying your relationships.
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There's insecure traits and habits that you have that are causing you to get into these unhealthy relationships.
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Now, let's get into why you attract these types of men.
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Now, this is going to be a very hard pill to swallow, but there is something within you that resonates with unhealthy men.
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If a healthy man stepped into your life today, he would feel boring.
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You would not get that emotional excitement because it's not familiar with what you grew up with or what you saw modeled to you.
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And it's going to fill up.
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Some of you guys came from really good families.
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No family's perfect.
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And maybe you're a woman that has it going on, great career, but you always want to fix a guy.
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You saw your mom put up with a lot of crap.
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She's like, oh, this may be normal, you know.
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So you're trying to get guys that are unstable or unstable, you know.
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In a lot of
these cases, and I got this from a book called No Memorous Nice Guy, but it relates to women as well.
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Women will get in relationships with men who have more problems than them.
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Because if they can work with a man that's that's a work in process, that distracts them from dealing with their own issues, their own insecurities.
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You really have to take a really good look at who you are.
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There are two things that made me really start my self-improvement journey.
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It was the example of women telling me that I'm cold.
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But then also it's my father.
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I didn't have a good relationship with my father growing up.
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And honestly, my father deserved a lot of the resistance I had towards him.
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But it wasn't until my mid-20s and my dad and I had a man-to-man conversation, and he apologized, which I wasn't really expecting.
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And after that conversation, I realized, like, hey, you know, my dad really isn't the problem.
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I mean, he's responsible for his actions, but there's something within me that needs to be fixed.
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And until I went through this self-discovery process and got myself together, I wasn't in a position where I felt worthy enough for a healthy relationship.
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I literally, if I really liked a woman and she really liked me, I felt like she was too good for me.
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I felt like, and she could have been, she could have had her own issues that I didn't know about.
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But in my mind, I believed she's too good for me.
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I don't deserve this kind of love.
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Like I'm not, I'm not a good person.
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You know, even though I felt like I was good looking, I felt like I was educated, felt like I was a great athlete, felt like I had a lot of things going for me.
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But for whatever reason, in this area of my life, I did not feel like I was good enough.
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Part of it had to be with me believing that I had to have this awesome career, but a lot of it had to be with me, I had these really dark traits.
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You know, my hometown was Murder Capital in the early 90s.
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So because of that, and I always had like an instinct for fighting.
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My family, you know, they had the kids fight, et cetera.
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But I always was driven more towards the excitement of chaos, the excitement of brawling with somebody.
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I mean, win or lose, I just loved it.
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But I think that I was going about it in the wrong way.
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I would intentionally try to make myself weaker to make somebody feel confident.
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And then when they felt confident enough to bully me, then that gave me an excuse to be nasty and to beat them up.
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And I kept doing this for a long period of time to the point where it was poisoning my spirit and I had to walk away from it.
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And I think that psychologically, that along with not getting the type of affection that that was needed in a romantic relationship, just not getting that and being in that environment and being told that I was stupid from teachers, which I knew wasn't true, it formed something, it crystallized something in my mind that made me feel like I, the world was against me.
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I had to be tough, had to be hard, but I was in a negative space.
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And that showed up in my relationships.
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And I knew I felt I didn't feel good.
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And it wasn't until I got healed and worked in my own issues, till I got with coaches and joined programs and read books, understood my own mental health, was I able to even be ready for that kind of a bond with somebody.
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So my point is that there's something within you, especially if you're a woman in your 40s.
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I mean, if if you're in your 40s, your 30s, and you're experiencing this, you don't have time to play around.
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You know, we only got so much more time.
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It's not that a lot of good people out there.
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Once you get healed, you're gonna become less attracted to other people.
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One thing I noticed that when I started dating, after I got to a good place, I knew that I was the issue of my relationships.
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And luckily, I've always been honest with the women I've dated.
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So the women I I've dated and I have relationships with, we're still cool to these days to this day.
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But when I got healthy, I did not realize that there were a lot of women who are unhealthy.
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And I became very careful with who I gave my body to, who I gave my attention to, even the men who I hung out with.
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You know, and that same thing will happen to you when you really worked on your mental health, and it's so odd.
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When your mental health gets good, it's like everything else in your body, your life gets good.
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Your physical fitness gets good, it becomes a lot easier for you to hold on to your diet, your energy is up, your hobbies are great.
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And when you get to that place, you'll see that a lot of people are dealing with things.
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My point is that you want to get to that space because you want to be able to feel you want to know what your issues are, work through those issues.
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And once you've done that, it's gonna be easier for you to see those issues in somebody else.