Full Transcript for The Patterns Controlling Your Life Started in Childhood: you NEED to know what they are | Anat Peri

00:03:47.960 --> 00:03:50.120 become like an energetic Jedi where like you could just 71 00:03:50.159 --> 00:03:53.240 move energy and like nothing gets stuck in your system, 72 00:03:53.719 --> 00:03:56.759 And they're like, yeah, okay, well that's the inner child 73 00:03:56.759 --> 00:03:59.360 work and so, and it is also the part of 74 00:03:59.400 --> 00:04:03.759 you that is holding all the not only memories of childhood, 75 00:04:04.000 --> 00:04:08.319 but the beliefs, whatever was learned, whatever was inherited as 76 00:04:09.080 --> 00:04:11.759 the way life is, or the way the world is, 77 00:04:11.919 --> 00:04:14.199 or the way that you should be in the world. 78 00:04:14.439 --> 00:04:18.279 And so if you don't want to look and tend 79 00:04:18.279 --> 00:04:20.800 to that and reparent that, then what you're saying is 80 00:04:20.839 --> 00:04:23.519 that you want to continue to survive the scripts that 81 00:04:23.600 --> 00:04:26.000 you inherited. But if you want to become creator of 82 00:04:26.040 --> 00:04:29.199 your life and really have a say in your future, 83 00:04:29.600 --> 00:04:32.959 well then it's time to uncover what's in that script 84 00:04:33.120 --> 00:04:35.720 and let's unlearn that so you can take your power back. 85 00:04:35.879 --> 00:04:40.639 So I love that. So for someone who's been through therapy, 86 00:04:40.759 --> 00:04:43.519 one of the concerns I hear is, I don't know 87 00:04:43.560 --> 00:04:45.800 what to do about it. I have all this information, 88 00:04:45.879 --> 00:04:49.680 I have all this data. I've had the emotional catharsis. 89 00:04:50.120 --> 00:04:52.839 I get it. I understand that I get defensive because 90 00:04:52.839 --> 00:04:55.800 of this. I understand that I used drugs to numb, 91 00:04:55.800 --> 00:04:58.439 cope and escape from the pain. I hear that a lot. 92 00:04:58.560 --> 00:05:01.519 Tell me how this inner child work? You know, speak 93 00:05:01.680 --> 00:05:04.519 to that like, Okay, I get it. Now what do 94 00:05:04.560 --> 00:05:06.360 I do about it? What comes up for you in 95 00:05:06.360 --> 00:05:07.160 response to that? 96 00:05:08.319 --> 00:05:12.079 Yeah, So my framework that I teach my students and 97 00:05:12.120 --> 00:05:15.319 my certification program is that there's five stages to healing, 98 00:05:15.480 --> 00:05:19.040 And what you just spoke to is like the stage one, 99 00:05:19.160 --> 00:05:23.000 which is awareness. Excuse me, stage one awareness, And there's 100 00:05:23.079 --> 00:05:26.399 depth in that for sure. Stage two, which is acceptance, 101 00:05:26.439 --> 00:05:29.519 which is learning to accept it and on a somatic 102 00:05:29.639 --> 00:05:36.519 level and actually have that cathartic, energetic emotional release, validating 103 00:05:36.560 --> 00:05:37.959 whatever the feeling was there. 104 00:05:38.160 --> 00:05:40.240 Can I ask around acceptance and not a couple of 105 00:05:40.319 --> 00:05:44.959 questions about that? So

the awareness you mentioned comes through 106 00:05:45.519 --> 00:05:49.199 that reflective work, understanding the past and the programming. And 107 00:05:49.480 --> 00:05:53.759 in the way I heard acceptance was accepting what is 108 00:05:53.759 --> 00:05:56.759 Is that what you mean by accepting that? I do 109 00:05:56.839 --> 00:05:58.759 a lot of parts work, So I have a part 110 00:05:58.879 --> 00:06:02.480 that feels like it's being criticized, even when someone might 111 00:06:02.480 --> 00:06:05.560 be trying to help and give me some constructive criticism. 112 00:06:05.560 --> 00:06:07.720 I accept that that's a reality, and now I can 113 00:06:07.759 --> 00:06:11.240 deal with that reality in a healthy, constructive way, versus 114 00:06:11.319 --> 00:06:13.360 getting stuck in the story. Does that land? 115 00:06:13.560 --> 00:06:17.240 So we'll actually back up a bit because the awareness 116 00:06:17.279 --> 00:06:19.879 that you're referring to is actually stage three, which is 117 00:06:19.879 --> 00:06:23.360 getting to the root of who modeled this to you. 118 00:06:24.079 --> 00:06:29.079 In awareness, it is becoming aware of whatever the beliefs are, 119 00:06:29.680 --> 00:06:36.959 and also whatever survival strategies you've created to not deal 120 00:06:37.000 --> 00:06:41.079 with it, to escape from it in some way, and 121 00:06:41.199 --> 00:06:44.560 also what your survival patterns are, like are you just 122 00:06:45.000 --> 00:06:48.680 constantly stuck in enduring it? Meaning what is the state 123 00:06:48.720 --> 00:06:52.240 of your nervous system? So in awareness, it's about becoming 124 00:06:52.279 --> 00:06:55.439 aware of right now, in this moment, even are you 125 00:06:55.480 --> 00:06:58.079 in the driver's seat, are you here? Or is there 126 00:06:58.199 --> 00:07:01.639 something that is protect you? I'll give you a metaphor. 127 00:07:01.879 --> 00:07:07.000 Stage two acceptance is getting into the ocean, the Pacific 128 00:07:07.079 --> 00:07:11.240 Ocean where there's waves right and accepting that whatever wave 129 00:07:11.319 --> 00:07:13.639 comes like, your job is to ride it, otherwise it's 130 00:07:13.680 --> 00:07:17.079 going to crash on you. But before, if you look 131 00:07:17.120 --> 00:07:20.720 at a surfer, before they get into the water, they stretch, 132 00:07:21.319 --> 00:07:23.959 and at least here on the Pacific Ocean, they put 133 00:07:24.000 --> 00:07:25.839 on a wet suit because the water is too cold, 134 00:07:26.160 --> 00:07:29.560 so they do something so that they feel comfortable and 135 00:07:29.639 --> 00:07:33.720 safe enough to get in the water. So awareness, part 136 00:07:33.720 --> 00:07:36.399 of awareness is becoming aware of what's there, but also 137 00:07:36.920 --> 00:07:41.480 cultivating safety, getting your nervous system to place where you 138 00:07:41.720 --> 00:07:46.079 can get into the ocean of your emotions and actually 139 00:07:46.279 --> 00:07:50.839 ride whatever wave comes up. And the acceptance part is 140 00:07:50.920 --> 00:07:53.879 a lot of times we are judging what we're feeling 141 00:07:54.319 --> 00:07:57.439 well and we're questioning it, and we get stuck in 142 00:07:57.439 --> 00:08:00.279 this analysis like well why do I feel that way? 143 00:08:00.319 --> 00:08:03.079 And it doesn't matter why. It's like staring at a 144 00:08:03.120 --> 00:08:05.160 wave in the water and saying, well, why is it 145 00:08:05.240 --> 00:08:07.800 that big? Why is it that size? The next thing 146 00:08:07.839 --> 00:08:10.839 you know, you get smacked with it. It's not about 147 00:08:11.000 --> 00:08:14.759 it's not about questioning it. It's about learning how to 148 00:08:14.959 --> 00:08:18.600 ride that wave. And there's depth in that as well 149 00:08:18.639 --> 00:08:21.519 of learning how to work with your nervous system to 150 00:08:21.720 --> 00:08:26.040 actually feel and express the emotion that you're feeling, because 151 00:08:26.040 --> 00:08:29.920 most people aren't actually feeling and expressing, they are still 152 00:08:30.040 --> 00:08:34.080 just analyzing and thinking about what it is that they're feeling. 153 00:08:34.399 --> 00:08:37.879 In order to feel better, they're analyzing it. And that's 154 00:08:38.320 --> 00:08:40.960 that's trimming a weed. That is not that. 155 00:08:42.480 --> 00:08:45.279 We need an analogy for the people who are living 156 00:08:45.320 --> 00:08:48.200 in Middle America, because as you're talking and I use 157 00:08:48.240 --> 00:08:50.840 that analogy, I love that analogy because you're either going 158 00:08:50.879 --> 00:08:53.159 to ride the wave or it's going to consume you 159 00:08:53.279 --> 00:08:56.440 and get caught in the undertow, bang yourself up against 160 00:08:56.440 --> 00:08:59.440 the ground, get scratched as a gravel on your arms 161 00:08:59.480 --> 00:09:02.480 and your check because you're just flailing. I'm going to 162 00:09:02.559 --> 00:09:04.080 think about that. I'm going to try to think of 163 00:09:04.120 --> 00:09:07.000 another analogy that just you know, it's just it's just 164 00:09:07.559 --> 00:09:09.639 if you haven't surf bought some videos, you got. 165 00:09:09.480 --> 00:09:12.200 One, yeah, yeah, I mean we could talk about like, 166 00:09:12.399 --> 00:09:15.279 you know, if you're about to work in your garden, 167 00:09:16.000 --> 00:09:18.159 you're digging in the dirt, and it's like, well, before 168 00:09:18.200 --> 00:09:20.120 you do, you got to have the right tools and 169 00:09:20.480 --> 00:09:22.720 the gloves and all that to do it. You're not 170 00:09:22.759 --> 00:09:24.480 just going to do it with your hands. And if 171 00:09:24.639 --> 00:09:26.759 all you have is a weed whacker, well then you're 172 00:09:26.799 --> 00:09:29.120 not really making room for those new seeds that you 173 00:09:29.159 --> 00:09:32.200 want to plant, so you know, and then you've got 174

00:09:32.240 --> 00:09:34.600 to be willing to get deep into the dirt. And 175 00:09:34.720 --> 00:09:38.919 some of these weeds have so many layers and roots 176 00:09:38.960 --> 00:09:42.360 to them and it really takes something to clear that out. 177 00:09:42.559 --> 00:09:44.799 So I'm trying like that. 178 00:09:46.039 --> 00:09:48.559 And that's a good one. Now you so tell me 179 00:09:48.600 --> 00:09:52.000 about so the survival strategies. You said an important word 180 00:09:52.039 --> 00:09:56.039 that grabbed me was protecting. Can you tell us what 181 00:09:56.080 --> 00:09:59.639 that means? This notion of protection, because all I just 182 00:09:59.639 --> 00:10:02.320 go back to a point in my life fifteen years ago. 183 00:10:02.440 --> 00:10:04.399 All I knew is I had shitty habits. I was 184 00:10:04.440 --> 00:10:07.480 an addict and was a fucking asshole for you know, 185 00:10:07.559 --> 00:10:10.679 not being having to being able to solve these problems 186 00:10:10.720 --> 00:10:13.919 because I should know better. So this notion of protecting 187 00:10:14.080 --> 00:10:16.159 is fascinating to me. What do you mean by it? 188 00:10:16.240 --> 00:10:17.759 Yeah, So we all have what I like to call 189 00:10:17.840 --> 00:10:20.360 is like bodyguards, and everybody has like a primary and 190 00:10:20.399 --> 00:10:24.399 secondary bodyguard that when you don't know how to deal 191 00:10:24.480 --> 00:10:26.440 with something that you're feeling. So I'll tell you a 192 00:10:26.480 --> 00:10:30.320 little story about myself. One of my bodyguards is is 193 00:10:30.360 --> 00:10:34.720 to merge with others, to depend on others. And it 194 00:10:34.759 --> 00:10:37.679 really came from growing up with a mom that, even 195 00:10:37.720 --> 00:10:40.600 though she was nurturing and loving towards me, her whole 196 00:10:40.639 --> 00:10:44.519 model was, Oh, you're fine, like, just think positive, you're fine, 197 00:10:44.559 --> 00:10:47.519 Just think positive. And so she didn't teach me how 198 00:10:47.559 --> 00:10:50.879 to ride those waves, right, She didn't prepare me for 199 00:10:50.960 --> 00:10:54.000 the real world of what to do when you're not fine. 200 00:10:54.039 --> 00:10:56.399 She used to just say, you're fine, let go, let's 201 00:10:56.399 --> 00:10:59.159 go have some fun, let's go do something else. And so, 202 00:10:59.480 --> 00:11:02.240 as an adult, else, how that impacted me is that 203 00:11:02.559 --> 00:11:04.879 I didn't know how to nurture myself. There was this 204 00:11:04.960 --> 00:11:07.879 like big the feeling of in my chest was like 205 00:11:07.919 --> 00:11:11.960 this collapse, this holownist, this like black hole that could 206 00:11:12.000 --> 00:11:15.399 never be filled, not nothing was enough for it. And 207 00:11:15.480 --> 00:11:18.480 when I was alone, I felt anxious all the time, 208 00:11:18.600 --> 00:11:22.480 all the time. Couldn't be by myself because I couldn't 209 00:11:22.519 --> 00:11:25.000 deal with what was happening inside of me, and so 210 00:11:25.279 --> 00:11:27.799 I needed to always be dependent on others. And so 211 00:11:27.840 --> 00:11:30.360 I think this is where sometimes for certain people, addiction 212 00:11:30.559 --> 00:11:34.320 comes in is needing to put something in their mouth 213 00:11:34.639 --> 00:11:38.159 or needing something to distract them from what it is 214 00:11:38.200 --> 00:11:42.440 that's happening for them, and so these bodyguards come in again. 215 00:11:42.480 --> 00:11:44.600 I like using bodyguards because you think of it, who 216 00:11:44.639 --> 00:11:48.919 needs who needs a body somebody? If you feel safe, 217 00:11:48.960 --> 00:11:51.519 you don't need a bodyguard. And so think of it 218 00:11:51.639 --> 00:11:54.320 like you're in the driver you're in the car. You 219 00:11:54.360 --> 00:11:57.240 know of your life, and the second that your system 220 00:11:57.360 --> 00:12:01.720 gets overwhelmed beyond what you know how to, beyond what 221 00:12:01.759 --> 00:12:05.360 your nervous system already is trained to process. And by 222 00:12:05.360 --> 00:12:07.919 the way, the goal is to build your capacity. If 223 00:12:07.919 --> 00:12:09.919 you don't know how to tend to whatever's coming up 224 00:12:09.960 --> 00:12:12.759 in that moment, the bodyguard said, throws you in the 225 00:12:12.759 --> 00:12:17.000 back seat and says I'm taken over. And there So 226 00:12:17.600 --> 00:12:20.320 most people operating in the world right now are not 227 00:12:20.639 --> 00:12:23.200 operating from their higher self. They're not the ones in 228 00:12:23.240 --> 00:12:26.240 the driver's seat. Their bodyguards are. And in some way 229 00:12:26.399 --> 00:12:29.559 you can you can win in certain areas of your life, 230 00:12:29.840 --> 00:12:32.279 but not across the board. You're going to struggle in 231 00:12:32.320 --> 00:12:35.120 something because of that, or you're going to be completely 232 00:12:35.240 --> 00:12:39.159 misaligned with what your heart really desires because you're not 233 00:12:39.200 --> 00:12:41.240 in the driver's seat of your life. Sometimes you're not 234 00:12:41.320 --> 00:12:43.120 even in the back seat, you're in the trunk. And 235 00:12:43.440 --> 00:12:45.799 when how do you know you're in the trunk? You're depressed? 236 00:12:46.000 --> 00:12:48.320 To me, people will say I'm depressed. Usually it just 237 00:12:48.360 --> 00:12:52.360 means they are that disconnected from themselves. And so learning 238 00:12:52.480 --> 00:12:55.120 to tend to that inner child, and it's a term, 239 00:12:55.399 --> 00:12:58.559 Well what does that mean? Well, learning to validate and 240 00:12:58.679 --> 00:13:02.879 acknowledge what ever is coming up for you in your system, 241 00:13:03.240 --> 00:13:06.799 the sensations that are coming up, the emotion that's coming up, 242 00:13:07.120 --> 00:13:10.879 and then actually expressing that

emotion. Well, how do I 243 00:13:10.919 --> 00:13:12.960 express it? Well, how does a three year old express 244 00:13:12.960 --> 00:13:16.480 an emotion like that? You forgot? Now look at them 245 00:13:16.759 --> 00:13:19.919 and remember, because that is how and doing that for 246 00:13:20.039 --> 00:13:24.039 ninety seconds, giving yourself ninety seconds to express whatever it 247 00:13:24.159 --> 00:13:26.639 is that you're actually feeling. That's how you get back 248 00:13:26.639 --> 00:13:27.519 in the driver's seat. 249 00:13:27.559 --> 00:13:35.360 So these bodyguards, let's talk about their behavior. So, like 250 00:13:35.440 --> 00:13:39.679 you said, one of my bodyguards was addict. You're stressed, hungry, 251 00:13:39.720 --> 00:13:43.480 only lonely, diet, frustrated, angry at your wife, fell completely 252 00:13:43.519 --> 00:13:48.000 trapped by work. My bodyguard would come over and save 253 00:13:48.080 --> 00:13:51.039 the day. So, yeah, the addict is a protector is 254 00:13:51.080 --> 00:13:53.200 a bodyguard? What are some of the other ones? 255 00:13:53.440 --> 00:13:57.279 So this is from I want to give credit where 256 00:13:57.320 --> 00:14:00.200 credit is deserved through Stephen Kessler wrote the book The 257 00:14:00.240 --> 00:14:03.879 Five Personality Patterns. There's actually six, but one of them 258 00:14:03.960 --> 00:14:06.639 has like two different ways it presents itself, so I 259 00:14:06.639 --> 00:14:11.360 guess he chose to call it five. They're all developed 260 00:14:11.480 --> 00:14:15.360 because there's some something in childhood that did not get 261 00:14:15.399 --> 00:14:18.399 met at different stages. So the first one is what 262 00:14:18.480 --> 00:14:21.279 he calls the leaving pattern, and that is common for 263 00:14:21.320 --> 00:14:23.679 people who feel like they don't feel safe to even 264 00:14:23.720 --> 00:14:27.600 occupy being in their body, so they tend to associate, 265 00:14:27.720 --> 00:14:30.279 live in their head or live in their imagination. And 266 00:14:30.320 --> 00:14:33.919 then there's the merging pattern, which is like the damsel 267 00:14:33.960 --> 00:14:35.039 in distress, which was. 268 00:14:35.000 --> 00:14:38.759 Mine so dependent and not sorry that is that a 269 00:14:38.759 --> 00:14:40.960 fair word to characterize? Got it? 270 00:14:41.200 --> 00:14:45.240 Got it totally. And then there's the merging compensated, which 271 00:14:45.320 --> 00:14:48.519 came from the same wounding of not getting enough nurturance, 272 00:14:48.720 --> 00:14:52.600 but instead of I'm not enough help me, it's I'm 273 00:14:52.600 --> 00:14:55.559 only enough if I help you. So it's the savior 274 00:14:55.879 --> 00:14:58.440 so to speak. Right, one's the damsel, the other is 275 00:14:58.480 --> 00:15:02.120 the savior. Then you have the enduring pattern, Well, I 276 00:15:02.200 --> 00:15:04.200 can't have it my way. I'll just hunker down and 277 00:15:04.279 --> 00:15:05.919 endure whatever is there. 278 00:15:06.080 --> 00:15:07.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 279 00:15:07.039 --> 00:15:10.919 And then the aggressive pattern, which usually comes from some 280 00:15:11.039 --> 00:15:15.440 kind of abandoned abandonment wound or somewhere where you felt 281 00:15:15.480 --> 00:15:18.440 alone in the world as a kid, like the world 282 00:15:18.519 --> 00:15:20.639 was not there for you. It was just you against 283 00:15:20.679 --> 00:15:24.039 the whole world. So you have the aggressive pattern, and 284 00:15:24.080 --> 00:15:27.200 then the rigid pattern, which is like, I am my accomplishments. 285 00:15:27.200 --> 00:15:30.600 The people that feel like they need to keep doing, doing, doing, doing, 286 00:15:30.639 --> 00:15:33.480 and they can't stop doing because they are their accomplishments. 287 00:15:33.639 --> 00:15:35.879 And I will say this, there's beautiful gifts to all 288 00:15:35.919 --> 00:15:38.480 of them, but you can only access all the gifts 289 00:15:38.639 --> 00:15:40.879 if you're the one in the driver's seat. Those bodyguards 290 00:15:40.919 --> 00:15:43.840 are in the backseat, and you're the one running the show. 291 00:15:43.879 --> 00:15:47.480 You're the one directing where to go. So none of 292 00:15:47.480 --> 00:15:49.799 them are bad. It's not like, oh, well I don't 293 00:15:49.840 --> 00:15:51.480 want to I mean some of them selling well I 294 00:15:51.480 --> 00:15:53.879 don't want to be aggressive. Well, you trust me, you 295 00:15:53.919 --> 00:15:56.039 want the gifts of the aggressive. So there's no bad there, 296 00:15:56.120 --> 00:16:00.840 just is what it is. Understanding these from a level 297 00:16:01.000 --> 00:16:04.720 in relationship with your partners is a game changer because 298 00:16:04.759 --> 00:16:08.360 it literally shows up as their personality and sometimes you wonder, like, 299 00:16:08.440 --> 00:16:12.200 why does this person act so differently than me? Here's why. 300 00:16:12.600 --> 00:16:15.639 And then as far as as a practitioner, it's a 301 00:16:15.639 --> 00:16:19.399 complete game changer because you could have the same two 302 00:16:19.480 --> 00:16:24.759 clients that are dealing with very similar issues, but they 303 00:16:24.799 --> 00:16:27.799 if they have a different primary pattern. Everybody has primary 304 00:16:27.799 --> 00:16:31.679 and a secondary two bodyguards. How you're going to support 305 00:16:31.679 --> 00:16:34.399 them is different, what they need is different in order 306 00:16:34.440 --> 00:16:38.200 to come back to safety. Remember these patterns, these bodyguards 307 00:16:38.240 --> 00:16:41.159 are there to give you this false sense of safety. 308 00:16:41.440 --> 00:16:45.000 So how gap and what you needed for safety is 309 00:16:45.559 --> 00:16:50.120 different for each one. And so I have a free 310 00:16:50.159 --> 00:16:52.840 gift that we could give your audience if they're interested 311 00:16:52.879 -->

00:16:55.799 in that of learning as a practitioner, learning how to 312 00:16:55.840 --> 00:16:57.600 work with that, and a quiz that they could take 313 00:16:57.639 --> 00:16:59.720 to figure out what theirs is themselves. 314 00:17:00.080 --> 00:17:01.600 Definitely I want to I want to give it to 315 00:17:01.639 --> 00:17:04.079 them that that's really yeah, I love that. Love that. 316 00:17:04.240 --> 00:17:07.119 So I'm stumbling over my words because my head gets 317 00:17:07.119 --> 00:17:10.359 stuck on something, and I'm stuck on the inner child frame, 318 00:17:10.839 --> 00:17:15.680 because there's a number of different frames to understand this 319 00:17:15.839 --> 00:17:18.680 deeper part of ourselves and I'm going to tell you 320 00:17:18.759 --> 00:17:20.400 what I love about the inner child frame, and I 321 00:17:20.400 --> 00:17:22.079 want to know what you think about it. What I 322 00:17:22.119 --> 00:17:25.759 love about the inner child frame, especially for men, they're 323 00:17:25.799 --> 00:17:28.000 initially turned off by it, and I like a challenge. 324 00:17:28.079 --> 00:17:30.960 So so there's that I like being able to hold 325 00:17:31.279 --> 00:17:33.720 just hold that thought and let me, let me, let me, 326 00:17:34.079 --> 00:17:35.920 you know, give me a few weeks to kind of 327 00:17:35.920 --> 00:17:37.839 talk about it, and you know, have a little bit 328 00:17:37.839 --> 00:17:41.519 of education and understanding it. So I like a challenge. 329 00:17:41.559 --> 00:17:43.559 The other thing that I like about it is when 330 00:17:43.599 --> 00:17:47.839 they get it, when they realize that that frame is 331 00:17:48.400 --> 00:17:54.759 insight on how to treat themselves, because if they're abusing themselves, 332 00:17:55.119 --> 00:17:59.160 if they're engaging in their own behaviors that are causing unsafety. 333 00:17:59.440 --> 00:18:01.279 One of the qui Uessians I like to ask is 334 00:18:01.319 --> 00:18:05.160 how would you want your kid to respond internally under 335 00:18:05.200 --> 00:18:08.599 this exact same scenario? And they go, no, I wouldn't 336 00:18:08.640 --> 00:18:10.039 want them to do in it the way that I 337 00:18:10.200 --> 00:18:12.759 do it. Tell me what you like about the interframe 338 00:18:13.119 --> 00:18:15.359 model and how you think it best helped you. 339 00:18:15.400 --> 00:18:19.319 In Yeah, So in my model of inner child work, 340 00:18:19.559 --> 00:18:24.039 understanding that the role that mom and dad play was 341 00:18:24.079 --> 00:18:29.000 significant and different. Mom was your role model for everything 342 00:18:29.079 --> 00:18:32.200 related to the self, because at one point you didn't 343 00:18:32.240 --> 00:18:35.240 see mom as separate. You saw Mom as an extension 344 00:18:35.359 --> 00:18:38.720 of yourself, and you were an extension connected by a 345 00:18:38.759 --> 00:18:43.079 nubilical cord. And so it's literally so innate in us 346 00:18:43.119 --> 00:18:46.200 that when we're born, we hear mom say I'm your mommy, 347 00:18:46.279 --> 00:18:48.920 and you hear wa wah wah wah wah. You don't understand, 348 00:18:49.079 --> 00:18:52.759 but her voice, her energy, all that feels familiar. It 349 00:18:52.799 --> 00:18:54.759 feels like home, It feels like where you just were 350 00:18:54.839 --> 00:18:57.720 the past nine or so months. And so in that moment, 351 00:18:57.880 --> 00:19:00.559 it forms this relationship of I am I am Mom, 352 00:19:00.599 --> 00:19:03.559 Mom is me, and we look at Mom for everything 353 00:19:03.720 --> 00:19:07.640 as our role model for ourselves, how to treat ourselves, 354 00:19:07.880 --> 00:19:09.759 how to talk to ourselves, how to love ourselves, how 355 00:19:09.799 --> 00:19:12.519 to show up with ourselves. The tricky part is why 356 00:19:12.559 --> 00:19:14.640 it's not so quick to figure out, is that we 357 00:19:14.720 --> 00:19:17.799 either copy or we rebel, and we learn. We learn 358 00:19:17.880 --> 00:19:20.920 by what we see, what we hear, and what we 359 00:19:21.039 --> 00:19:24.920 feel energetically, either how Mom felt about herself or how 360 00:19:24.960 --> 00:19:26.839 she made you feel. So I can't tell you how 361 00:19:26.880 --> 00:19:30.599 many clients I work with that took like took on 362 00:19:30.799 --> 00:19:34.119 mom's energy and mom's fears and mom's beliefs as if 363 00:19:34.119 --> 00:19:36.359 it's their own. So they didn't even have the experience, 364 00:19:36.720 --> 00:19:39.359 it was just the energetic imprint of it, and just 365 00:19:39.559 --> 00:19:43.680 uncovering that they start to really finally cut that cord 366 00:19:43.799 --> 00:19:48.400 and separate and hear and feel themselves so super valuable. 367 00:19:48.720 --> 00:19:52.680 And then father represents everything else, everything that is not 368 00:19:53.240 --> 00:19:58.680 the self, others, the world, your relationship to others, and 369 00:19:58.960 --> 00:20:01.440 on a go going back to the ocean of your 370 00:20:01.440 --> 00:20:06.200 emotions on that level, the emotions that mom For the 371 00:20:06.240 --> 00:20:09.799 most part, there's certainly a few exceptions, especially if there's 372 00:20:09.839 --> 00:20:13.799 big T trauma, but outside of that, for the most part, 373 00:20:13.960 --> 00:20:17.799 when you are reparenting. So going back to the stages 374 00:20:17.880 --> 00:20:20.720 I was talking about of healing, and you asked, well, 375 00:20:20.720 --> 00:20:23.279 what if somebody's already felt it? And all that, like 376 00:20:23.640 --> 00:20:28.319 where does inner child work fit? In stage three is 377 00:20:28.400 --> 00:20:31.440 getting to the root of well, whose energy is this? 378 00:20:31.519 --> 00:20:33.920 Who did you learn this from? Is his mom or 379 00:20:34.000 --> 00:20:36.039 is his dad? And is it what you saw, what 380 00:20:36.079 --> 00:20:39.039 you heard or what you felt energetically from them?

And 381 00:20:39.079 --> 00:20:44.559 then bringing in some either memory or imagined time where 382 00:20:44.599 --> 00:20:48.319 you can have that experience. Again obviously not if it's 383 00:20:48.319 --> 00:20:50.799 a big ta trava. We don't want you reexperiencing that, 384 00:20:51.000 --> 00:20:54.480 for the most part, bringing in that scene again so 385 00:20:54.559 --> 00:20:58.240 that we can get to the emotional experience that that 386 00:20:58.359 --> 00:21:00.799 might have brought up in that moment and go back 387 00:21:00.799 --> 00:21:03.480 to writing more waves and be able to go to 388 00:21:03.519 --> 00:21:07.880 stage four, which is rewiring and reparenting. And this is 389 00:21:07.920 --> 00:21:10.200 a part that I feel is missing for a lot 390 00:21:10.240 --> 00:21:13.480 of people in the work that they do in inner work, 391 00:21:13.759 --> 00:21:17.440 is they'll become aware, they might have the somatic releases 392 00:21:17.599 --> 00:21:21.279 in all that and know what the root is, but 393 00:21:21.319 --> 00:21:24.880 they forget to reparent and what that actually takes. And 394 00:21:25.200 --> 00:21:30.039 so in reparenting mom, well, if mom itself, then I 395 00:21:30.160 --> 00:21:33.000 just need to give myself what I never got to 396 00:21:33.079 --> 00:21:36.279 make it, you know, to just summarize it in one sentence. 397 00:21:36.440 --> 00:21:41.079 And so it's smaller waves in the ocean of your emotions. 398 00:21:41.200 --> 00:21:45.559 It's lighter, it's nurturing. It's learning to nurture yourself, to 399 00:21:45.759 --> 00:21:48.880 mother yourself. But then when we get to dad, and 400 00:21:48.960 --> 00:21:51.200 believe me, you're not ready for Dad if you don't 401 00:21:51.200 --> 00:21:54.119 have enough of that new relationship with yourself is the 402 00:21:54.119 --> 00:21:58.440 big kahunahs in the ocean. Because father, your Dad, whether 403 00:21:58.519 --> 00:22:01.279 you're a man or a woman, was the first love 404 00:22:01.319 --> 00:22:04.359 of your life. It was the first experience when Dad 405 00:22:04.400 --> 00:22:08.240 held you of something outside of you. Remember, Mom's not 406 00:22:08.319 --> 00:22:11.359 outside of you. Mom is connected. She is you, something 407 00:22:11.400 --> 00:22:14.480 outside of you loving you. And the first time he 408 00:22:14.480 --> 00:22:18.240 held you, he was ecstatic. He was excited and probably 409 00:22:18.279 --> 00:22:20.880 a bit nervous and probably also full of pride too, 410 00:22:21.000 --> 00:22:25.079 like I created this. Yeah, and that energy, that feeling, 411 00:22:25.440 --> 00:22:29.680 that amount of presence from Dad imprinted you with this 412 00:22:29.839 --> 00:22:32.799 is love. Wow, this is or this is a high 413 00:22:32.880 --> 00:22:35.880 vibration feeling right now. I want more of this, And 414 00:22:36.319 --> 00:22:40.720 we hold Dad on this pedestal for that because we're 415 00:22:40.759 --> 00:22:45.519 always seeking that same connection that we had with Dad, 416 00:22:45.720 --> 00:22:48.160 and he either lives up to it or like for 417 00:22:48.279 --> 00:22:51.599 me and most people, in some way, he breaks your heart. 418 00:22:51.680 --> 00:22:54.319 And so what I've seen with my clients and my 419 00:22:54.400 --> 00:22:58.000 students for years now is when they get to father, 420 00:22:58.920 --> 00:23:02.200 they're like, oh my god, this is so emotional. I'm like, yeah, 421 00:23:02.240 --> 00:23:06.240 because to reparent father is not to give yourself what 422 00:23:06.319 --> 00:23:09.240 you always needed and wanted from Dad, because that he's 423 00:23:09.279 --> 00:23:12.839 not self. It's to accept the fact that yes he 424 00:23:12.960 --> 00:23:15.279 broke your heart, Yes he let you down in some 425 00:23:15.359 --> 00:23:17.599 way he did not live up to that same thing 426 00:23:17.640 --> 00:23:19.960 that he gave you the moment that you guys met 427 00:23:20.119 --> 00:23:23.160 And so it is to feel that heartbreak. It is 428 00:23:23.319 --> 00:23:27.279 a lot of grief, sadness, anger. It is bigger emotions, 429 00:23:27.440 --> 00:23:30.799 and if you don't have enough stability with the smaller 430 00:23:30.839 --> 00:23:33.160 waves yet, you're not going to be ready for it. 431 00:23:33.440 --> 00:23:36.519 But when you're ready for it, it is the most transformative, 432 00:23:36.559 --> 00:23:39.640 powerful experience I've ever seen for people to go through. 433 00:23:39.759 --> 00:23:43.000 And it's so important that we do because then to 434 00:23:43.160 --> 00:23:48.079 complete the reparenting and the integration of father, well father 435 00:23:48.200 --> 00:23:51.920 represents the world and others. Then part of integrating that 436 00:23:52.160 --> 00:23:55.160 isn't sitting at home with yourself. It's getting out there 437 00:23:55.160 --> 00:23:58.039 in the world again. But it's going out into the 438 00:23:58.079 --> 00:24:01.079 world not from a place of afraid to break my 439 00:24:01.200 --> 00:24:04.680 heart again, or to get my heart broken again, or 440 00:24:04.720 --> 00:24:08.599 to be hurt in some way. It's living with your 441 00:24:08.680 --> 00:24:14.240 heart open, vulnerable, where connection with others is possible, having 442 00:24:14.400 --> 00:24:17.160 courage to go for what you want in your life 443 00:24:17.279 --> 00:24:21.400 career wise, all that knowing that you can't control the 444 00:24:21.440 --> 00:24:24.680 world and that it may let you down again and 445 00:24:24.759 --> 00:24:27.880 that you may get heartbroken again. But guess what you've 446 00:24:27.960 --> 00:24:31.119 been through that before you rode that wave. You rode 447 00:24:31.119 --> 00:24:35.000 that wave. Your system now knows that it could handle 448 00:24:35.559 --> 00:24:38.880 big waves like that, so you're no longer living in 449 00:24:39.000 --> 00:24:42.160 survival fearing that happening to you. 450

00:24:42.440 --> 00:24:45.279 The father wound is a tough one, and I want 451 00:24:45.319 --> 00:24:48.079 to give you some perspective and get your thoughts on it. 452 00:24:48.400 --> 00:24:52.000 So one I've learned recently the impact of the Industrial 453 00:24:52.079 --> 00:24:56.880 Revolution on the father's role in the child's life. So 454 00:24:56.920 --> 00:25:01.319 I think there's the natural disappoint cycle that's going to 455 00:25:01.359 --> 00:25:04.279 happen in everybody. It's just part of the human experience. 456 00:25:04.640 --> 00:25:10.319 You also have the environmental factors compounding the impact of 457 00:25:10.359 --> 00:25:15.039 the father wound because that most men are raised and 458 00:25:15.319 --> 00:25:18.160 daughters are raised by their mothers and the father isn't there. 459 00:25:18.200 --> 00:25:22.960 But when he's there, in the blind spot, I see 460 00:25:23.000 --> 00:25:25.920 on the father wound, so maybe he might have spanked 461 00:25:26.000 --> 00:25:29.519 or when there's capital t trauma. It actually is easier, 462 00:25:29.839 --> 00:25:34.400 as weird as this sounds, to do the father wound work, 463 00:25:35.039 --> 00:25:36.880 or let me say it for you guys who aren't 464 00:25:36.880 --> 00:25:40.839 connecting with the father wound work, evaluating the impact of 465 00:25:40.880 --> 00:25:45.400 the programming that contributed to you getting your needs met. 466 00:25:45.440 --> 00:25:47.839 The way you do. I guess I'm kind of tossing 467 00:25:47.880 --> 00:25:50.319 it out there to say, let's talk about the challenges 468 00:25:50.359 --> 00:25:53.400 around that wound, because it's one of the places where 469 00:25:53.440 --> 00:25:56.680 I so often see a not nothing to see here, 470 00:25:57.039 --> 00:25:59.279 like it was all good, and I'm like, well, it's 471 00:25:59.319 --> 00:26:00.960 not about good or bad, and you know, you kind 472 00:26:00.960 --> 00:26:02.759 of you know, but what's coming up for you as 473 00:26:02.759 --> 00:26:05.559 you hear you know, my experience with guys always but 474 00:26:06.039 --> 00:26:06.599 a trend. 475 00:26:07.519 --> 00:26:10.480 First of all, it's probably bullshit. I love you guys, 476 00:26:10.519 --> 00:26:13.920 but it's okay, and it's just too soon. They're not ready. 477 00:26:14.000 --> 00:26:17.160 It's like, go, it's like saying, okay to second day surfing, 478 00:26:17.559 --> 00:26:19.720 let's go to Bali and hit the big waves. 479 00:26:19.960 --> 00:26:22.480 You will die and you will die. You will die. 480 00:26:22.480 --> 00:26:25.359 So their systems not ready for it. Years ago I 481 00:26:25.440 --> 00:26:28.960 worked with the client and he was a father of six, 482 00:26:29.279 --> 00:26:34.599 very successful CPA in California, and we did a six 483 00:26:34.640 --> 00:26:38.079 day retreat together, private retreat, myself, him and his wife. 484 00:26:38.119 --> 00:26:41.720 And only on day six that he disclosed to me 485 00:26:42.119 --> 00:26:47.000 was he finally ready to face, to accept, to admit 486 00:26:47.359 --> 00:26:49.480 that he was molested by a spot Oh my goodness. 487 00:26:49.519 --> 00:26:52.119 And he didn't think that he'd be ready to share that. 488 00:26:52.359 --> 00:26:56.240 So what I'm saying is that if you're inner, child's 489 00:26:56.279 --> 00:26:59.559 been locked in the trunk, if you've been that disconnected 490 00:26:59.599 --> 00:27:04.200 from listening to yourself, from knowing how to actually validate 491 00:27:04.240 --> 00:27:07.839 and acknowledge what you're feeling, and those and people that 492 00:27:07.960 --> 00:27:11.440 turn like your audience, that turn to addiction, that turn 493 00:27:11.519 --> 00:27:14.720 to poorn, that turned to these things they are avoiding. 494 00:27:15.039 --> 00:27:18.559 They're running to that to avoid listening and feeling what's there. 495 00:27:18.839 --> 00:27:22.160 When they start working with you, it's like opening that 496 00:27:22.279 --> 00:27:25.519 trunk up. Now, imagine a child locked in a trunk 497 00:27:25.680 --> 00:27:29.079 for thirty years, you pop that trunk open. That child 498 00:27:29.160 --> 00:27:33.079 is not running into your arms and saying yay, thank you. 499 00:27:33.599 --> 00:27:37.920 It is literally like tiptoeing out and saying, I don't know, 500 00:27:38.400 --> 00:27:42.359 can I trust you? And so a lot of fear 501 00:27:42.880 --> 00:27:48.440 and so it takes time to rebuild that connection with 502 00:27:48.960 --> 00:27:52.519 your self. And so if a client set were to 503 00:27:52.599 --> 00:27:55.240 say that to me, not that, I'd be like, okay, cool, 504 00:27:55.640 --> 00:27:58.039 Like they're just not there yet. I don't even I 505 00:27:58.039 --> 00:28:01.519 don't even look to engage with them around father. They 506 00:28:01.519 --> 00:28:04.240 don't There's a form I have them fill out around father, 507 00:28:04.319 --> 00:28:06.839 but they don't get that one up front they get 508 00:28:06.920 --> 00:28:10.960 that one later, much later, because I know when when, 509 00:28:11.079 --> 00:28:14.319 like I could tell, when that relationship with self it 510 00:28:14.319 --> 00:28:19.799 has shifted, is solid. And what naturally it's beautiful to witness. 511 00:28:19.839 --> 00:28:24.319 What naturally emerges then is everything related to others the world. 512 00:28:24.519 --> 00:28:29.160 Father memories that were suppressed come to the surface of like, 513 00:28:29.279 --> 00:28:31.880 oh my god, I just remember my father did this, 514 00:28:32.079 --> 00:28:34.079 or I was abused in this way or that way, 515 00:28:34.279 --> 00:28:37.359 or they know it. They've been keep they've been enduring it, 516 00:28:37.480 --> 00:28:40.720 keeping it a secret, and now they finally feel like 517 00:28:41.160 --> 00:28:44.880 they can't ignore it because they're so connected to themselves 518 00:28:45.200 --> 00:28:47.720 that they feel

this part and their inner child is 519 00:28:47.799 --> 00:28:50.799 screaming for them, and they're so they're committed. The mother 520 00:28:50.920 --> 00:28:54.039 is there. They are committed. They are mothering themselves. And 521 00:28:54.119 --> 00:28:55.680 so that's that's my viewpoint. 522 00:28:55.799 --> 00:28:58.359 Why do you think, and gosh, I'm so curious about this. 523 00:28:58.599 --> 00:29:01.319 Why is the if you have a theory, because I 524 00:29:01.359 --> 00:29:03.759 think you know, scientists are probably could go with ten 525 00:29:03.799 --> 00:29:06.079 different ways with some of these questions. What is it 526 00:29:06.119 --> 00:29:10.000 about the father wound that makes it so much more 527 00:29:10.079 --> 00:29:12.000 difficult than the mother wound? 528 00:29:12.160 --> 00:29:17.599 In your opinion, energetically, it represents the heart, It lives 529 00:29:17.640 --> 00:29:20.039 there in the heart space because like I said before 530 00:29:20.279 --> 00:29:24.519 at first meeting, like literally breaks your heart beautifully open 531 00:29:24.680 --> 00:29:29.160 into an experience of love. And so you know, you 532 00:29:29.240 --> 00:29:32.319 think about like if you have art attack, you're done. 533 00:29:32.480 --> 00:29:36.519 Like that is the most vulnerable place of us. So 534 00:29:36.680 --> 00:29:40.279 that on like an energetic somatic level where mom is 535 00:29:40.319 --> 00:29:43.839 the womb, the nurturance all that. So and it's something 536 00:29:44.000 --> 00:29:46.440 that yeah, I mean, that's this is just when I 537 00:29:46.440 --> 00:29:49.480 think of the you know, thousands of sessions I've done, 538 00:29:49.720 --> 00:29:54.160 it's from case studies, from experience. That's just what it 539 00:29:54.279 --> 00:29:58.039 is to have that love and then not have that love. 540 00:29:58.200 --> 00:30:00.640 And then you know, we could touch on like what 541 00:30:00.680 --> 00:30:05.960 about what about kids that grew up with a single 542 00:30:06.000 --> 00:30:08.880 mom never met the dad. There's usually a gap in 543 00:30:08.960 --> 00:30:13.039 development there. They their relationship to the world is like 544 00:30:13.119 --> 00:30:16.319 what world they and it could go in many different ways. 545 00:30:16.400 --> 00:30:20.039 They could go into the world like completely lost in 546 00:30:20.079 --> 00:30:23.680 the world and trying to find something, but it's but 547 00:30:23.839 --> 00:30:27.720 like their experience in how they express and talk about 548 00:30:27.799 --> 00:30:31.799 it is usually like that like a loss and emptiness 549 00:30:31.960 --> 00:30:34.960 relationship to God, like what God? Until they find that, 550 00:30:35.079 --> 00:30:37.480 until they're willing to go there and discover that in 551 00:30:37.559 --> 00:30:41.640 some way and have their quote unquote awakening, But yeah, 552 00:30:41.799 --> 00:30:45.359 it is. It is just something that it always

lived 553 00:30:45.400 --> 00:30:48.559 outside of them and they didn't know it as as 554 00:30:49.240 --> 00:30:52.720 permanent like we because of Mom and that relationship and 555 00:30:52.759 --> 00:30:55.640 Mom usually being there for the first three years in 556 00:30:55.680 --> 00:30:59.440 a way of like absolute necessity, you really have time 557 00:30:59.759 --> 00:31:04.119 to let's say, turn four years old and start to 558 00:31:04.160 --> 00:31:07.319 realize I can do things without Mom. There's this like 559 00:31:07.480 --> 00:31:11.640 gradual pull away. But Dad suddenly shows up in your 560 00:31:11.680 --> 00:31:16.200 life from nothing to their present so much love, and 561 00:31:16.359 --> 00:31:19.200 every day you're like, is he going to come back? 562 00:31:19.480 --> 00:31:22.119 Is he going to come back? Not consciously you're not 563 00:31:22.240 --> 00:31:27.599 thinking that, but energetically there's there's a there's a developmental 564 00:31:27.759 --> 00:31:31.839 need and energetic need for that. And I agree with 565 00:31:31.880 --> 00:31:35.599 what you said before of the industrial age. What it 566 00:31:35.680 --> 00:31:40.079 created is father's thinking their role is to provide. I 567 00:31:40.119 --> 00:31:42.680 know that was my dad. My mom was stay at home. 568 00:31:42.839 --> 00:31:46.839 It was you know, the the second child, and so 569 00:31:46.880 --> 00:31:49.480 it was my brother and I until my sister came along, 570 00:31:49.880 --> 00:31:53.519 and my dad worked and he ran a hotel and 571 00:31:53.799 --> 00:31:56.279 I barely saw him, and if I did, I never 572 00:31:56.319 --> 00:31:59.279 got one on one time with him. And how that 573 00:31:59.359 --> 00:32:03.559 impacted me was my beliefs were I don't matter. I'm invisible. 574 00:32:03.720 --> 00:32:06.279 Men will always choose something else over me. And it 575 00:32:06.319 --> 00:32:10.160 took me, and it impacted all my dating relationships until 576 00:32:10.200 --> 00:32:14.119 I healed it, until I really grieved that I needed Daddy. 577 00:32:14.440 --> 00:32:17.119 I needed one on one time with him, Like for 578 00:32:17.440 --> 00:32:23.599 our literal development, we need their loving presence, even just 579 00:32:23.680 --> 00:32:26.319 thirty minutes a day, full loving presence. 580 00:32:26.400 --> 00:32:29.440 Yeah, important lessons for you. Dad's watching. Not to put 581 00:32:29.440 --> 00:32:32.920 any more pressure on you, but you are very, very 582 00:32:33.039 --> 00:32:37.319 very important. Your presence is the highest predictor of whether 583 00:32:37.440 --> 00:32:40.400 or not that child will be incarcerated by an order 584 00:32:40.440 --> 00:32:43.160 of magnitude. So I like to put that statistic out 585 00:32:43.240 --> 00:32:46.160 there to remind you guys that, hey, it's a hard job, 586 00:32:46.240 --> 00:32:48.240 but it's an important one. And you want to do 587 00:32:48.279 --> 00:32:51.240 for your kids what you weren't able to do. Well, 588 00:32:51.279 --> 00:32:53.039 you know what you didn't get, Like, you get to 589 00:32:53.079 --> 00:32:56.680 plug that gap and you get to help them feel 590 00:32:56.759 --> 00:32:59.720 safe in their bodies to your leadership and love. 591 00:33:00.640 --> 00:33:03.759 So important exactly, we get to rewrite what the role 592 00:33:03.920 --> 00:33:06.240 of bothers is. 593 00:33:06.400 --> 00:33:08.200 I love it. I love it, I love it. I 594 00:33:08.200 --> 00:33:10.440 love it. So I want to talk about the gifts 595 00:33:10.480 --> 00:33:14.319 you talked about. These you know, really really difficult. You 596 00:33:14.359 --> 00:33:17.160 know bodyguards that do all these difficult things. But you 597 00:33:17.200 --> 00:33:19.440 got to the fourth stage. Tell me about the fifth stage? 598 00:33:19.440 --> 00:33:21.480 What's the next stage after the fourth? 599 00:33:22.000 --> 00:33:23.400 Great? So the fifth and made me. 600 00:33:23.359 --> 00:33:25.559 Go through them again like real quick, one, two, three, four, 601 00:33:25.680 --> 00:33:27.359 and then five, so we get them. 602 00:33:27.240 --> 00:33:32.599 All awareness, acceptance, getting to the roote, rewiring, and reparenting. 603 00:33:32.920 --> 00:33:36.279 And last stage is integration. And this is the most 604 00:33:36.400 --> 00:33:39.359 important stage. I always tell people like you just begun 605 00:33:39.519 --> 00:33:41.480 and this is the most not to say the other 606 00:33:41.480 --> 00:33:44.759 stages aren't important. This is the most important. And this 607 00:33:44.880 --> 00:33:47.519 is the one that is the longest because in one 608 00:33:47.559 --> 00:33:50.599 session I can move a client through all five. But 609 00:33:51.000 --> 00:33:54.759 stage five is eighteen months on average, especially if what 610 00:33:54.799 --> 00:33:57.319 you're dealing with is something that is a big part 611 00:33:57.400 --> 00:34:01.440 of your identity, if you've been a people pleaser your 612 00:34:01.440 --> 00:34:04.160 whole life, to go from that to being someone that 613 00:34:04.240 --> 00:34:07.359 has boundaries, is able to say no and honor themselves, 614 00:34:07.519 --> 00:34:10.360 you're talking about eighteen months to fully integrate that. And 615 00:34:10.639 --> 00:34:12.960 that number did not come for me. That came from 616 00:34:12.960 --> 00:34:16.719 my mentor, who is a body mind psychologist for forty years. 617 00:34:16.760 --> 00:34:18.960 And I've been in business now for eleven years, and 618 00:34:19.000 --> 00:34:21.119 I could tell you all the times that I've had 619 00:34:21.159 --> 00:34:24.559 past students text me and say yep, yep, just about 620 00:34:24.559 --> 00:34:26.719 eighteen months. And so you want to think of it 621 00:34:26.880 --> 00:34:29.960 like a bridge that you're crossing from an old version 622 00:34:30.000 --> 00:34:32.159 of you to the new version of you. And this 623

00:34:32.280 --> 00:34:34.599 bridge isn't a bridge that you drive across. This is 624 00:34:34.639 --> 00:34:36.840 like Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom kind of 625 00:34:36.880 --> 00:34:39.119 bridge waits Wally and show. 626 00:34:39.519 --> 00:34:42.039 It's an accomplishment to get over that bridge, right or not, 627 00:34:42.119 --> 00:34:42.880 it's a college. 628 00:34:42.960 --> 00:34:45.800 You've done something, it is and there's going to be 629 00:34:45.840 --> 00:34:50.880 moments where it's so wobbly that you're going to fall back. 630 00:34:51.159 --> 00:34:52.840 You're going to take steps because you're going to be 631 00:34:52.880 --> 00:34:55.239 closer to the old person of who you were. And 632 00:34:55.639 --> 00:34:58.920 so it's not about you fall back into old patterns. 633 00:34:59.119 --> 00:35:02.800 It's about how quickly can you recognize it, have compassion 634 00:35:02.880 --> 00:35:05.920 for yourself and get back in alignment, do what you know, 635 00:35:06.079 --> 00:35:08.800 take care of yourself, you know, do the practices, and 636 00:35:08.880 --> 00:35:11.239 get back on that bridge. And then there's going to 637 00:35:11.320 --> 00:35:14.280 be moments where you feel super stable, and those are 638 00:35:14.280 --> 00:35:18.239 the moments to double down on taking actions in alignment 639 00:35:18.599 --> 00:35:21.199 with that new version of yourself. And so there's a 640 00:35:21.320 --> 00:35:23.960 lot that we work on that I work on with 641 00:35:24.000 --> 00:35:26.400 my clients and I teach my students that could be 642 00:35:26.480 --> 00:35:29.440 done in integration. And I think a lot of people 643 00:35:29.480 --> 00:35:31.880 that have been in our work a long time they 644 00:35:31.920 --> 00:35:36.079 overlook how long it takes and sometimes think like, oh, no, see, 645 00:35:36.119 --> 00:35:38.440 I'm still messed up. I have to go back and 646 00:35:38.440 --> 00:35:40.400 dig for more. And it's like no, no, no, no, no, 647 00:35:40.760 --> 00:35:43.400 you've done the digging. You're good. You just fell back 648 00:35:43.440 --> 00:35:45.519 for a moment. There's nothing to fix here. 649 00:35:45.679 --> 00:35:50.280 What what would be an example of an integration practice 650 00:35:50.440 --> 00:35:53.280 or something that you know, you teach to your clients, 651 00:35:53.360 --> 00:35:55.880 or something that you've written about or spoken about. What 652 00:35:55.960 --> 00:35:58.519 does what does that look like? Generally speaking? 653 00:35:58.719 --> 00:36:05.920 Well, so there's it depends, say somebody's moved through, you know, 654 00:36:05.960 --> 00:36:11.599 going from someone who gives all their time to everyone 655 00:36:12.000 --> 00:36:15.039 and doesn't take any time for themselves, right, and we 656 00:36:15.079 --> 00:36:17.519 move through all the things around that, all the stages, 657 00:36:17.880 --> 00:36:20.599 and they finally get to place of learning that like 658 00:36:20.760 --> 00:36:24.079 I honor my time first, fill my cup up first. Oh. 659 00:36:24.239 --> 00:36:27.960 An integration step would be, well, let's look at your calendar, 660 00:36:28.400 --> 00:36:31.119 like how much of it are you giving to something else? 661 00:36:31.199 --> 00:36:34.679 And where is the time to a lot for yourself 662 00:36:34.880 --> 00:36:38.079 and putting that in so that they have actions that 663 00:36:38.119 --> 00:36:39.360 they could take on that. 664 00:36:39.760 --> 00:36:44.599 So, because you're right, it's an energetic there's the practical 665 00:36:44.639 --> 00:36:48.000 things that you mentioned, but as you're talking, I'm realizing, 666 00:36:48.039 --> 00:36:52.280 I'm not realizing, but understanding there's an energetic like like 667 00:36:52.280 --> 00:36:55.719 like like, is it something energetic that happens in the 668 00:36:55.760 --> 00:36:59.000 body when the central nervous system is regulated when you 669 00:36:59.079 --> 00:37:01.840 can say no, I can't help you right now, I'm 670 00:37:01.880 --> 00:37:07.679 so sorry, versus well I uh well, yeah, totally yeah, no, no, 671 00:37:07.679 --> 00:37:10.480 no problem at all. I got that too. No not 672 00:37:10.639 --> 00:37:14.760 now or no later or no ever, and so and 673 00:37:14.800 --> 00:37:18.800 then on that journey and practicing, so integration would be 674 00:37:18.840 --> 00:37:23.280 practicing and noticing and watching how that energy chains and 675 00:37:23.360 --> 00:37:29.719 eventually that no not coming from amigdala or fear or 676 00:37:29.800 --> 00:37:34.199 people pleasing, but a from a place of stepping into 677 00:37:34.239 --> 00:37:38.440 your power prefrontal cortex. No, no, thank you, I'm sorry, 678 00:37:38.519 --> 00:37:39.159 can't help. 679 00:37:39.159 --> 00:37:42.960 Yeah, yeah, not available, not right now, focused on me exactly. 680 00:37:42.679 --> 00:37:45.079 So so hard, so hard yeah yeah. 681 00:37:45.199 --> 00:37:48.000 And again sometimes what it does is it brings up 682 00:37:48.119 --> 00:37:50.960 the next layer, the next limiting belief like Okay, that 683 00:37:51.079 --> 00:37:53.039 was great, but then oh but it brought up this 684 00:37:53.079 --> 00:37:55.599 feeling of guilt for me. Okay, great, well did you 685 00:37:55.639 --> 00:37:59.239 sit with that guilt with where where where you're sensing 686 00:37:59.280 --> 00:38:01.760 it in your body? Did you allow yourself to feel it? 687 00:38:02.039 --> 00:38:04.719 Did you? And then let's explore like, well, where did 688 00:38:04.760 --> 00:38:07.440 you learn that you have to feel guilty? Who you know? 689 00:38:07.519 --> 00:38:10.360 Whose energy is that? And so a lot of times 690 00:38:10.400 --> 00:38:14.719 it uncovers other layers that are there too. I think 691 00:38:14.719 --> 00:38:17.480 of it like I said before that sometimes you have 692 00:38:17.800 --> 00:38:20.679 a weed in the garden, but we don't see that 693

00:38:20.880 --> 00:38:26.639 underneath there's like you know, ten ten tentacles of roots 694 00:38:26.679 --> 00:38:29.360 to it, and so you might have cleared out one route. 695 00:38:29.400 --> 00:38:31.239 I'd say every person has what I call like a 696 00:38:31.280 --> 00:38:34.239 mothership and a fathership like the big the big weed 697 00:38:34.320 --> 00:38:37.320 in the garden that that is holding on for dear life, 698 00:38:37.599 --> 00:38:41.960 that has ten different or so beliefs that are keeping 699 00:38:42.360 --> 00:38:47.440 that behavior intact. And so it's it's a journey. Yeah. 700 00:38:47.519 --> 00:38:50.280 Well, and I like I like too, is that it's 701 00:38:50.760 --> 00:38:53.320 you know, it's a it is a journey versus the 702 00:38:53.480 --> 00:38:56.480 hey I'm here now. Everyone you know who's been in 703 00:38:56.519 --> 00:38:59.400 self help has experienced, like you still said, those moments 704 00:38:59.400 --> 00:39:03.960 of clarity. But it's really this commitment to continuous improvement 705 00:39:04.039 --> 00:39:07.159 to produce the gifts that you talked about. Tell me 706 00:39:07.199 --> 00:39:10.239 a little bit about those. What is the outcome of 707 00:39:10.280 --> 00:39:14.119 this five step process and how do the bodyguards change. 708 00:39:14.400 --> 00:39:17.360 So the truth is that some of these gifts can 709 00:39:17.400 --> 00:39:20.760 emerge even sooner. It's not like you know, the purpose 710 00:39:20.800 --> 00:39:23.639 of the five stages of healing is to get lasting 711 00:39:23.679 --> 00:39:27.840 transformation and to understand that, yes, it is a journey, 712 00:39:27.920 --> 00:39:31.400 and to not give up along that journey, but to 713 00:39:31.480 --> 00:39:34.679 stay on course with it. And at every moment there's 714 00:39:34.760 --> 00:39:38.800 like moments of winds, moments where you see yourself more 715 00:39:38.920 --> 00:39:41.840 come online. And the more you see yourself come online, 716 00:39:41.960 --> 00:39:44.119 the more you fall in love with that and you're like, yeah, 717 00:39:44.159 --> 00:39:47.760 I like my higher self, Like I love being in 718 00:39:47.800 --> 00:39:50.920 my full essence and full power. So gifts of the 719 00:39:51.000 --> 00:39:54.039 Leaving pattern, and again you could be you'll see some 720 00:39:54.079 --> 00:39:56.480 of these gifts even with people that are still in 721 00:39:56.519 --> 00:40:00.519 the shadow of it. The leaving pattern. Creativity. They very creative. 722 00:40:00.519 --> 00:40:02.679 A lot of the artists and musicians of the world 723 00:40:02.679 --> 00:40:05.559 because we're so connected to the spurt world that their 724 00:40:05.559 --> 00:40:08.920 ability to channel you know, a lot of the so 725 00:40:09.000 --> 00:40:13.119 it's like channeling the creative art of whatever form that way, 726 00:40:13.159 --> 00:40:15.920 their intuitive gifts are there. I know in the book 727 00:40:15.920 --> 00:40:18.800 he talks about Robin Williams and I mean, look at 728 00:40:18.960 --> 00:40:21.679 look at his talent and gift, but he never fully 729 00:40:21.719 --> 00:40:24.119 moved through it. So there was also this like I 730 00:40:24.159 --> 00:40:26.960 don't want to be a part of this world and 731 00:40:27.039 --> 00:40:29.679 him taking his own life. Yeah, the gifts of the 732 00:40:29.760 --> 00:40:33.519 merging and the merging comp is when you finally learn 733 00:40:34.079 --> 00:40:37.000 to nurture yourself, because that's where the wounding came from. 734 00:40:37.079 --> 00:40:39.480 It was I didn't get the nurturance that I needed. 735 00:40:39.719 --> 00:40:44.039 You fill that hole and where the lovers, we're the healers. 736 00:40:44.199 --> 00:40:48.400 A lot of times we have so much capacity for compassion, 737 00:40:48.519 --> 00:40:52.320 for benevolent love, infinite amount of love and space to 738 00:40:52.400 --> 00:40:56.039 hold others love that and it's like giving. It's giving 739 00:40:56.079 --> 00:40:59.559 from this overflowing cup. But guess who had to seal 740 00:40:59.599 --> 00:41:02.440 the holes in the cup? Only you. The enduring pattern 741 00:41:02.679 --> 00:41:04.800 to be around someone in the gifts of the enduring 742 00:41:04.880 --> 00:41:07.480 is to be around someone who has so much such 743 00:41:07.800 --> 00:41:10.840 grounded presence that you get around them and you just 744 00:41:10.880 --> 00:41:13.280 feel you just feel like like like you could just 745 00:41:13.400 --> 00:41:18.079 melt like just grounded presence is and and just their 746 00:41:18.400 --> 00:41:23.320 their their ability to stay committed to something like, they 747 00:41:23.360 --> 00:41:26.320 could handle a lot, They can endure a lot again 748 00:41:26.400 --> 00:41:29.239 in a in a good way. They could hold a lot. 749 00:41:29.760 --> 00:41:34.400 Aggressive the gifts of that, they're very charismatic, no great 750 00:41:34.480 --> 00:41:39.639 stage presence, able and and and and driven exactly, no, 751 00:41:39.639 --> 00:41:43.679 no fear, let's go, let's do it. Great team leaders, 752 00:41:43.840 --> 00:41:46.639 then rigid gifts of the rigid is Oh my god, 753 00:41:46.679 --> 00:41:48.559 their organizational skills. 754 00:41:48.320 --> 00:41:52.239 Yeah, consistency, right, consistency or skills. 755 00:41:51.800 --> 00:41:55.559 Yeh, cleanliness systems for everything. 756 00:41:56.440 --> 00:41:59.400 I think the engineers, my engineer clients who are listening, 757 00:41:59.719 --> 00:42:03.760 you remind me because there is very slicly. 758 00:42:03.480 --> 00:42:07.280 Funny you You just named my husband who's an engineer, 759 00:42:07.599 --> 00:42:10.280 and my brother in law who's a pilot, and yes 760 00:42:10.360 --> 00:42:15.320 they both yes, so again rigid, beautiful gifts of that. 761 00:42:15.679 --> 00:42:17.280 So a lot of times you could see they they 762 00:42:17.360 --> 00:42:22.239

choose that profession. But there's a difference between even like 763 00:42:22.440 --> 00:42:25.840 being in the profession of let's say it, like my 764 00:42:25.920 --> 00:42:28.760 husband's is in it, and the shift that I've seen 765 00:42:28.800 --> 00:42:31.800 in him over the years of coming out of the 766 00:42:31.880 --> 00:42:35.480 need to perform and accomplish and do all the things, 767 00:42:35.599 --> 00:42:37.280 and oh my god, no one can do it as 768 00:42:37.280 --> 00:42:39.039 well as I. So I'll just take it on. I'll 769 00:42:39.079 --> 00:42:41.599 just do it for others, I'll just do it. And 770 00:42:41.599 --> 00:42:45.119 and it's the judging and all that too, or judging yourself. 771 00:42:45.159 --> 00:42:47.159 It's never good enough, it's never perfect. I have to 772 00:42:47.159 --> 00:42:49.880 get it right. Da da da too. And what a 773 00:42:50.440 --> 00:42:56.360 prison that is for yourself versus being in the same profession, 774 00:42:57.119 --> 00:43:00.440 in the gifts of the rigid and being able to 775 00:43:00.880 --> 00:43:05.280 know that like what you do is enough and to 776 00:43:05.440 --> 00:43:11.719 tap into those new ideas and strategies and implementation techniques 777 00:43:11.800 --> 00:43:17.039 and whatever else they do. Yeah, there's again you could 778 00:43:17.079 --> 00:43:20.760 be successful with the bodyguard. But it doesn't mean that 779 00:43:20.800 --> 00:43:23.679 you're going to feel free or safe. That's the thing. 780 00:43:23.960 --> 00:43:27.039 It becomes more like a prison of feeling like you 781 00:43:27.199 --> 00:43:29.760 can't not because if it doesn't run the show, then 782 00:43:29.800 --> 00:43:30.679 you don't feel safe. 783 00:43:30.840 --> 00:43:33.400 And what I love to say, not all the time, 784 00:43:33.599 --> 00:43:38.320 but sometimes safety is freedom. You cannot be free if 785 00:43:38.400 --> 00:43:42.199 you feel unsafe in the way and not and I 786 00:43:42.320 --> 00:43:45.960 have described it today, it just it does not exist. 787 00:43:46.079 --> 00:43:49.519 So this these stages and we saw how you know, 788 00:43:49.639 --> 00:43:52.639 we said, oh listen, these are problematic. They're the leaving, 789 00:43:53.039 --> 00:43:56.480 the merging, the codependency. And we went through these patterns 790 00:43:56.480 --> 00:43:58.960 and then I love that we've come back and closed 791 00:43:59.199 --> 00:44:02.360 all on on how these parts can bring you know, 792 00:44:02.480 --> 00:44:05.760 joy to your life consistently, your life, power to your life, 793 00:44:06.960 --> 00:44:10.760 kindness and you know, like there's so many positive attributes 794 00:44:10.800 --> 00:44:13.519 that come from these belief systems, and I feel really 795 00:44:13.559 --> 00:44:16.239 good that we made it full circle back to saying, hey, 796 00:44:16.360 --> 00:44:19.199 these can be your strengths. They don't have to be 797 00:44:19.320 --> 00:44:20.039 your weaknesses. 798 00:44:20.320 --> 00:44:24.079 Yeah. Absolutely, And really like on a nervous system level, 799 00:44:24.360 --> 00:44:28.360 I mean understanding that your nervous system is always working 800 00:44:28.559 --> 00:44:32.639 for you, but are you working with it? Because when 801 00:44:32.679 --> 00:44:36.480 it's working for you, it's listening for safety or threat. 802 00:44:36.880 --> 00:44:39.599 And most people when they don't feel safe, it's because 803 00:44:39.760 --> 00:44:43.079 whatever's coming at them is a threat. And so yeah, 804 00:44:43.159 --> 00:44:45.880 your nervous system, it's going to protect you in that moment. 805 00:44:46.199 --> 00:44:49.440 It's going to put you in fight flight freeze, please, 806 00:44:49.880 --> 00:44:52.599 which are very similar to the patterns that we just 807 00:44:52.679 --> 00:44:55.480 talked about, but you could get stuck in that forever. 808 00:44:55.800 --> 00:44:58.000 And what that feels like in your system is you're 809 00:44:58.079 --> 00:45:04.000 constantly on alert, orstantly running, or constantly have a short fuse, 810 00:45:04.480 --> 00:45:08.960 or constantly frozen and stuck. Working with it is learning 811 00:45:09.760 --> 00:45:14.719 to get curious about what's happening. Get curious, taking a 812 00:45:14.800 --> 00:45:19.000 deep breath again, getting curious about the temperature of the ocean, 813 00:45:19.079 --> 00:45:23.320 of your emotions. Naming the sensations. When we name sensations, 814 00:45:23.559 --> 00:45:26.480 we're actually speaking the language of the nervous system. We're 815 00:45:26.559 --> 00:45:29.079 letting the nervous system know, Hey, get curious with me 816 00:45:29.159 --> 00:45:31.599 over here. Yeah, this is safe. I don't know what 817 00:45:31.719 --> 00:45:34.119 it is yet, but let's get curious and then getting 818 00:45:34.159 --> 00:45:38.840 in the water. Actually expressing the emotion is training your 819 00:45:38.960 --> 00:45:44.039 nervous system for that energy, that frequency, so that the 820 00:45:44.239 --> 00:45:47.679 next time that emotion arises, you know what to do. 821 00:45:48.000 --> 00:45:51.920 You don't meaning your nervous system knows what to do 822 00:45:52.079 --> 00:45:55.840 because it actually responds ino point two seconds, where your 823 00:45:55.880 --> 00:46:00.400 conscious mind responds in two seconds, so ten times faster. 824 00:46:00.840 --> 00:46:05.119 So you can have all the best intentions mentally of 825 00:46:05.599 --> 00:46:08.119 I'm never doing that again, or I promise I'll do this, 826 00:46:08.599 --> 00:46:10.840 and then the next day you're doing that thing again. 827 00:46:11.039 --> 00:46:13.840 Why because if it's not programmed in your nervous system, 828 00:46:14.000 --> 00:46:17.760 you're gonna lose because it's ten times faster every time. 829 00:46:18.440 --> 00:46:23.880 So building your range, building your emotional capacity is training 830 00:46:24.079 -->

00:46:28.320 your nervous system to handle more so that no matter 831 00:46:28.440 --> 00:46:32.679 what comes up. It doesn't get stuck. It moves and 832 00:46:32.800 --> 00:46:38.320 gets metabolized by your nervous system point two seconds, which 833 00:46:38.480 --> 00:46:41.559 means it doesn't take your presence away, which means your 834 00:46:41.639 --> 00:46:44.320 eyes can stay on the road, which means you're staying 835 00:46:44.360 --> 00:46:47.920 in the driver's seat as the higher self, the bodyguards 836 00:46:48.000 --> 00:46:51.920 don't kick in. And so that's the opportunity when it 837 00:46:52.000 --> 00:46:54.679 comes to I'll really wrap this up with a bow 838 00:46:55.079 --> 00:46:57.880 in your first question. The opportunity of inner child work 839 00:46:58.239 --> 00:47:02.320 is understanding that it is about learning to be with 840 00:47:02.519 --> 00:47:05.280 any emotion, learning to be with that inner child, no 841 00:47:05.480 --> 00:47:08.920 matter what, which is going to build that resiliency in 842 00:47:09.039 --> 00:47:11.639 your nervous system. And then you're a Jedi. 843 00:47:11.920 --> 00:47:14.719 Let's go, and then you're a Jedi. Hear that, Ladies 844 00:47:14.760 --> 00:47:19.280 and gentlemen, you can reprogram your central nervous system and 845 00:47:19.400 --> 00:47:21.599 not I want to thank you so much for being 846 00:47:21.679 --> 00:47:24.920 here today. Can you tell my listeners where to find 847 00:47:25.000 --> 00:47:27.239 you in a nice giveaway we're going to give for them. 848 00:47:27.320 --> 00:47:28.280 You guys are going to like this. 849 00:47:28.679 --> 00:47:30.840 Yeah, yeah, so what so we talked about the first 850 00:47:30.880 --> 00:47:34.000 two giveaways and now that we're talking about cultivating safety, 851 00:47:34.119 --> 00:47:37.400 I have a free audio that guides you through building that, 852 00:47:37.480 --> 00:47:40.480 cultivating safety and getting into the ocean of the emotions. 853 00:47:40.599 --> 00:47:42.400 So we'll give you all three. I'll give you, guys 854 00:47:42.440 --> 00:47:44.519 all three. Thank you, stry Where to find me? I 855 00:47:44.639 --> 00:47:47.000 hang out on Instagram for the most part. If you 856 00:47:47.320 --> 00:47:50.800 follow me there, you will get a message from me 857 00:47:51.119 --> 00:47:53.559 within a week because I love getting to know the 858 00:47:53.679 --> 00:47:54.800 human behind the follower. 859 00:47:55.000 --> 00:47:58.719 Awesome, awesome, And we're going to put these links in 860 00:47:58.920 --> 00:48:02.159 the description or everyone to check out, and please go 861 00:48:02.400 --> 00:48:06.039 visit her Instagram page and check out those free giveaways. 862 00:48:06.239 --> 00:48:07.960 Thank you so much for being here and not look 863 00:48:08.000 --> 00:48:10.519 forward to having you back. And this was great. Have 864 00:48:10.639 --> 00:48:14.559 a great day. Thank you all right, everybody, thank you 865 00:48:14.679 --> 00:48:17.679 for listening. It's me Craig Para in Patterns of Power. 866 00:48:17.920 --> 00:48:20.280 If you need help, I want you to check out 867 00:48:20.360 --> 00:48:24.719 those free giveaways and also visit my website mindfulhabitmastery dot 868 00:48:24.840 --> 00:48:27.159 com and thank you for listening. Bye, everybody,