TRANSCRIPT 🔗
WEBVTT
00:00.754 --> 00:04.269
Do you ever say yes to something and almost immediately wish that you hadn't?
00:04.831 --> 00:07.849
Or maybe you really want to say no, but then that guilt kicks in,
00:08.090 --> 00:10.722
like, what are they going to think? Are they going to be disappointed in me?
00:10.850 --> 00:13.643
Am I being selfish? But think about this, you guys,
00:14.141 --> 00:17.175
every yes you give is costing you something somewhere else.
00:17.865 --> 00:21.461
So today we're getting into boundaries, why saying no can
00:21.961 --> 00:25.811
feel so hard, and I'm going to give you exactly what I ask myself before
00:25.859 --> 00:29.633
I give someone or something my yes. Because once
00:30.133 --> 00:33.586
you start looking at your yes this way, you might realize that you've been giving
00:34.086 --> 00:36.526
it away to things that were never supposed to have it.
00:40.405 --> 00:44.253
Are you drowning in never-ending to-do lists and exhausted before the day even starts?
00:44.656 --> 00:48.262
Want simple steps to feel calmer, more present, and enjoy being a mom again?
00:48.777 --> 00:52.001
If you're nodding your head right now, this is for you. I'm Heather,
00:52.164 --> 00:55.507
wife, nurse, and recovering overwhelmed mom. I learned the secret of
00:56.007 --> 00:57.958
finding more time for myself without mom guilt and enjoying my family more by learning
00:59.926 --> 01:03.347
to let God lead. If you're ready for more balance, patience, and a
01:03.847 --> 01:07.041
faith that carries you through those hard days, grab your coffee and take me
01:07.541 --> 01:10.691
along. There's no perfect mom here, and we are not trying to be.
01:11.274 --> 01:15.004
Let's get into it. Hey mama,
01:15.310 --> 01:18.587
real quick, wouldn't it be awesome to have a community of Christian moms who are
01:18.684 --> 01:22.395
going through the same things that you are? Well, guess what? We do!
01:22.958 --> 01:26.306
Come join our free Facebook group. This is where we take what
01:26.339 --> 01:29.728
we're talking about here on the podcast and keep the conversation going all week long.
01:31.558 --> 01:35.458
You can get more support, more encouragement, and more help actually putting this
01:35.958 --> 01:40.394
stuff into practice in your everyday life. Head over to overwhelmchristianmom.com/group
01:42.755 --> 01:46.458
and come hang out with us. And if you are loving the show, would you
01:46.958 --> 01:50.904
take a second and leave a rating and review on Apple Podcasts? This helps another
01:50.985 --> 01:54.748
overwhelmed mom find the show and maybe hear exactly what she
01:55.248 --> 01:58.613
needs to hear that day. All right, let's jump in. I want
01:59.113 --> 02:02.225
to start with something that happened recently because it is such a good example of
02:02.242 --> 02:05.998
how hard saying no can actually feel, even when you
02:06.030 --> 02:09.658
know it's probably the right decision for you. We have a group of friends
Load full transcript
02:09.707 --> 02:12.950
that get together pretty regularly, and on a Monday a
02:13.450 --> 02:17.300
message came through that everyone was getting together later that week. So immediately I
02:17.348 --> 02:20.639
started going back and forth about it, which honestly isn't
02:21.139 --> 02:24.059
normal for me because usually we're really excited for these get-togethers.
02:24.557 --> 02:27.702
But I already knew what our week looked like. We had
02:28.202 --> 02:31.554
something going on every night that week, and I knew that
02:32.054 --> 02:34.443
the kids were going to be tired and I was going to be tired by
02:34.943 --> 02:38.294
the time Friday rolled around, and that we really probably were just going to want
02:38.794 --> 02:42.483
like our Friday movie night at home by Friday. But I still felt
02:42.983 --> 02:46.672
so guilty saying no because these are our friends and we really do
02:46.800 --> 02:50.074
enjoy spending time with them. I didn't want them to think that we just didn't
02:50.574 --> 02:53.637
want to come, and I didn't want to feel like I was letting anybody down.
02:54.167 --> 02:57.410
So there was definitely that people-pleasing part of me that just wanted to
02:57.910 --> 03:01.697
say yes, let's figure it out later, and push through. But instead,
03:02.115 --> 03:04.860
I gave myself a little time to think about it before I answered, and by
03:05.360 --> 03:07.751
the end of the next day, I was like, yeah, no, we are definitely not
03:08.251 --> 03:10.528
going to add something else this week. So I went ahead and let them know
03:10.544 --> 03:13.049
ahead of time that we weren't going to make it. And you know what?
03:13.692 --> 03:17.047
I still felt bad. I knew why I was saying no.
03:17.609 --> 03:21.283
I knew what our week looked like. And what our family needed, but there
03:21.299 --> 03:24.680
was still part of me that was wondering if they were disappointed or upset with
03:24.696 --> 03:28.574
me for saying no. And you guys, this is important because
03:28.671 --> 03:32.821
if you struggle with people pleasing, sometimes you can set a perfectly
03:32.933 --> 03:36.828
reasonable boundary and still feel guilty about it. That feeling
03:36.860 --> 03:39.873
doesn't automatically mean that you made the wrong decision.
03:40.610 --> 03:44.184
I've had to learn that over the past few years because I used to say
03:44.232 --> 03:47.805
yes to everybody and everything. I didn't want to let anybody
03:47.838 --> 03:51.414
down, and I didn't want anybody to be upset with me. And eventually
03:51.831 --> 03:54.819
I got really overwhelmed and really burnt out.
03:55.686 --> 03:58.978
And that's when I started learning about boundaries and realizing that a
03:58.994 --> 04:02.271
boundary isn't something that you put in place to be mean to someone else.
04:02.993 --> 04:06.848
For me, a lot of it has been learning to recognize what
04:07.348 --> 04:10.526
I actually have room for and what I don't. And I think as moms,
04:10.574 --> 04:13.722
sometimes we look at our calendar and we think, well, you know,
04:13.770 --> 04:17.303
technically I'm free that night, there's nothing written in there, So I could
04:17.803 --> 04:21.201
do that. But just because something fits on our calendar
04:21.554 --> 04:24.875
does not mean it fits in our life. That Friday night
04:24.988 --> 04:28.020
was technically open for us. We could have gone.
04:28.613 --> 04:31.822
But when I looked at the whole week, I knew that we didn't
04:32.322 --> 04:36.041
need to fill that open space with one more thing. Your calendar
04:36.138 --> 04:39.972
also doesn't show everything that you're already carrying. It doesn't show how busy
04:40.004 --> 04:44.013
your kid's week has been or if you've been running every
04:44.513 --> 04:47.586
night or if you already have something going on the next morning and you need
04:47.618 --> 04:50.822
to get rest the night before. So before I
04:51.322 --> 04:55.148
give something my yes, I'm learning to look more at whether I can
04:55.648 --> 04:59.377
technically fit it all in. I wanna know what that
04:59.877 --> 05:03.126
yes is going to cost me because if I say yes to something,
05:03.719 --> 05:07.100
that time has to come from somewhere. And maybe
05:07.244 --> 05:10.993
it means less time at home with my family or maybe it means we're
05:11.153 --> 05:14.823
rushing through dinner to get somewhere. Or I'm adding something
05:14.855 --> 05:17.307
to a week that already feels so full.
05:18.686 --> 05:22.357
And sometimes the answer is still absolutely yes. There are things
05:22.485 --> 05:26.139
that are worth rearranging your schedule for. There are people we
05:26.639 --> 05:29.041
want to show up for. There are commitments we've made that we need to keep.
05:29.281 --> 05:32.856
This isn't about never being inconvenienced or only doing something
05:32.872 --> 05:36.703
when it feels easy. It's about being intentional before you
05:36.799 --> 05:39.828
commit. And you know, when I was thinking about this episode,
05:40.486 --> 05:44.306
I was really thinking about Nehemiah in the Bible and how he
05:44.338 --> 05:48.094
was rebuilding the wall around Jerusalem and Sanballat
05:48.126 --> 05:50.983
and the other guys that wanted him not to build the wall. They kept wanting
05:50.999 --> 05:54.273
him to stop what he was doing and, quote, come meet with
05:54.290 --> 05:57.516
them. And Nehemiah sends this response
05:58.016 --> 06:01.256
to them in Nehemiah 3:6. He says,
06:01.753 --> 06:04.867
I am carrying on a great project and cannot go down.
06:05.541 --> 06:08.543
Why should the work stop while I leave it and go down to you?
06:09.313 --> 06:13.933
And then the next verse says they sent him the same message 4 times,
06:14.430 --> 06:18.361
and each time he gave them the same answer. What stood
06:18.861 --> 06:22.484
out to me is that Nehemiah knew what he was working on. He knew
06:22.853 --> 06:26.606
what needed his attention. So
somebody else asking for his time
06:26.719 --> 06:30.569
did not automatically mean he needed to give it to them. And I think
06:31.069 --> 06:34.178
that's where boundaries can get hard for us, especially if you're someone who doesn't
06:34.678 --> 06:38.640
like disappointing people. Because sometimes we know exactly what needs our
06:38.672 --> 06:42.267
time and attention, but then somebody asks us for something and
06:42.299 --> 06:45.509
suddenly we feel like we need a really good reason to say no.
06:46.601 --> 06:49.795
And y'all, sometimes that really good reason is simply, I don't
06:49.811 --> 06:53.567
have the capacity to take that on right now. And that's
06:54.067 --> 06:57.130
something that I'm really trying to get better about. I don't feel like
06:57.194 --> 07:00.115
I have to give an answer the second someone asks me anymore.
07:00.741 --> 07:03.839
If it's something that's going to take my time or add another commitment,
07:04.576 --> 07:07.654
I can say, let me check my calendar, or let me think about that and
07:08.154 --> 07:11.292
get back to you. And then I actually look at it, actually think about it,
07:11.388 --> 07:14.834
I pray about it and see, do I have room for this? What is this
07:15.334 --> 07:18.713
yes gonna cost me? And probably the biggest question for me
07:18.777 --> 07:22.896
that I ask is, why am I saying yes? Do I genuinely believe
07:22.944 --> 07:26.614
I should do this? Do I want to do it? Does it make sense with
07:26.631 --> 07:29.932
what we have going on right now? Or am I just
07:30.432 --> 07:34.230
saying yes because I'm uncomfortable with somebody being disappointed that I said no,
07:35.050 --> 07:38.664
because I've definitely done that. And the problem with
07:39.164 --> 07:42.488
giving an automatic yes is now I've made the commitment. I either have
07:42.520 --> 07:46.439
to follow through when I really didn't want to have room for it, or I
07:46.939 --> 07:50.472
have to go back later and cancel. I would rather take a little time
07:50.972 --> 07:54.022
before I answer and give somebody an honest yes or no.
07:54.247 --> 07:58.150
Like, I want my yes to mean something too. If I tell somebody
07:58.279 --> 08:01.540
I'm gonna be there or I'm gonna do something, I I want them to be
08:01.637 --> 08:05.011
able to count on me. And then there's this other side
08:05.511 --> 08:09.156
of this that I think we forget sometimes, especially with things like volunteering,
08:09.911 --> 08:13.639
because your no can leave room for somebody else to say yes.
08:14.715 --> 08:17.880
And it can be really easy to think that, well, if I don't volunteer for
08:18.380 --> 08:20.596
it, who's going to do it? If I don't help with it, who's going to?
08:21.544 --> 08:25.094
Well, maybe somebody else. Maybe there's somebody else who has the
08:25.594 --> 08:29.399
capacity for it right now. And there's somebody that would really enjoy doing
08:29.495 --> 08:33.750
it. So just because you're capable of doing something doesn't
08:33.910 --> 08:37.395
always mean you have to be the one who does it. And learning that
08:37.895 --> 08:41.232
matters for our kids too. Part of what I'm trying to protect when I
08:41.732 --> 08:45.407
set boundaries around my time is my ability to actually be
08:45.907 --> 08:49.245
present with my family. Because if I fill every open spot
08:49.745 --> 08:53.884
on our calendar because technically we can make it work, eventually something
08:53.997 --> 08:57.415
is going to get squeezed. Sometimes saying
08:57.447 --> 09:01.267
no means we have an evening at home where we are not rushing everybody
09:01.299 --> 09:04.927
out the door, or it means I have more energy left to actually
09:05.427 --> 09:08.458
sit down with my kids instead of constantly thinking about where we have to be
09:08.958 --> 09:12.984
next. And my girls are watching how I handle all of this, and I
09:13.000 --> 09:16.755
want them to grow up knowing how to love people, serve people,
09:17.173 --> 09:20.398
help people and follow through when they make a commitment.
09:21.280 --> 09:24.311
But I also want them to know that they don't have to say yes to
09:24.328 --> 09:27.856
everything because they're afraid that somebody's going to be upset with them if they
09:28.356 --> 09:31.931
say no. So for this week, Mama, when somebody asks
09:32.431 --> 09:35.203
you something and you feel that automatic yes coming,
09:35.235 --> 09:38.588
especially if you know that you struggle with people
09:39.088 --> 09:42.438
pleasing, you do not have to answer right away. Give yourself
09:42.454 --> 09:45.277
enough time to actually look at what you're agreeing to.
09:46.208 --> 09:48.856
Tell them you will have to get back with them, and then ask yourself,
09:49.274 --> 09:52.372
does this fit my life right now, not just my calendar?
09:53.287 --> 09:57.188
Why am I saying yes? And what is this yes
09:57.381 --> 10:01.025
going to cost me? Maybe you look at all of that and your
10:01.057 --> 10:04.364
answer is still yes. That's great. Then you can give the
10:04.864 --> 10:08.666
yes and mean it. And if the answer is no, you can say that kindly
10:08.762 --> 10:11.909
too. You don't need to give a 5-minute
10:12.409 --> 10:15.888
explanation. You can simply say something like, we're not going
10:15.920 --> 10:19.033
to be able to make it, or I can't take that on right now.
10:19.771 --> 10:23.108
And if you still feel guilty afterward like I did, that is
10:23.284 --> 10:27.183
okay. You can feel that without letting it make the decision for
10:27.536 --> 10:31.129
you. Know what you have room for and what needs your time
10:31.226 --> 10:34.771
and attention in this season that you're in in motherhood, and just be a
10:35.271 --> 10:38.269
little more intentional about where you give your yes.
10:38.702 --> 10:42.147
Hey mama, I hope you enjoyed today's
10:42.647 --> 10:45.864
episode. If you're loving this podcast, you are definitely going to want
10:46.364 --> 10:49.533
to come hang out with us inside of our free Facebook community. We have
10:49.581 --> 10:53.811
weekly challenges, encouragement, and support from me, along with a growing
10:53.843 --> 10:57.384
community of moms who get it and are walking right alongside
10:57.884 --> 11:01.454
you. Plus, I've got plenty more planned for just the moms inside of this
11:01.954 --> 11:04.867
group, so you are going to want to be there. Check out the link in
11:04.883 --> 11:08.664
the show notes and come hang out with us. Also, would you just take 30
11:08.696 --> 11:11.995
seconds and leave a quick rating and review on Apple Podcasts
11:12.495 --> 11:16.587
for me? I love hearing how the podcast is helping you, and your reviews
11:16.684 --> 11:20.552
help other moms find this show. Okay, mama, go find wherever
11:21.052 --> 11:24.403
you left that coffee, give yourself some grace this week, and I will meet you
11:24.419 --> 11:25.161
back here on Tuesday.