ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Join us for Part 3 in The Tools interview series as Phil Stutz and Barry Michels walk us through the two Tools we didn't touch on in the prior chats: Grateful Flow (the way to deal with anxiety) and Active Love (powerful tool to deal with anger). Super inspiring, practical wisdom. Hope you love it! (Learn more about Phil + Barry + The Tools at thetoolsbook.com)

English
United States

TRANSCRIPT

00:00:02You're listening to optimize with brian johnson more wisdom in less time hi this is brian welcome back to the optimal living interviews serious damn thrilled to be chatting with phil starts and very michaels this is going to be part three in our discussion on their great book the
00:00:29tools i've raved about this book throughout our notes in our prior chats and phil and i chatted and then bury night shouted and we covered three of the five tools so there are five tools and you can go back and listen to those interviews to hear the first
00:00:44three reversal of desire which is basically dealing with fear The second one we talked about was inner authority dealing with your shadow and insecurity that sort of thing and the third when we talked about was willpower and realizing i'm never going to be exonerated from challenges and time's
00:01:01ticking we're not going to live forever so check out those interviews for that This is part three we're going to talk about the two tools we have yet to discuss which are active active love and grateful flow that's a long intro fill in barry really appreciate guys taking
00:01:16the time and excited to explore we are two thanks for having us thank you all right so what's starting a high level it's for those who might be listening to this chat first can you tell us what the tools are and how we use them in our lives
00:01:32and then we'll talk about them in detail okay a i think it's just to give you a little praying mood or introduction toe both of us way will world school and we will talk to do therapy in the the old school way which is popular anymore but basically
00:01:50you will explore the cause of somebody's problems you trace that cause from their past and then everybody be clear what the problem wass what caused it but then the process would stop we had no way tio do anything about the present real time effect of the whatever it
00:02:14was whatever that disorder was their problem so both of us almost like a combination of rage disappointment curiosity twitter we decided we were going to go into that gap right there it's like with other therapies stopped We will begin basically so that's just my way of introducing the
00:02:35idea of the tools of the tulip is a procedure usually visual not always that'll change your state your state of mind right at the moment using and just as an example of that company until later let's say somebody is a warrior and you traced the warning back was
00:02:56let savior let's say it's me my father was was always claiming impending bankruptcy justice an example so he basically taught me to worry and he made me afraid not a word it's like if you're not worried something terrible might really so so let's say i was a patient
00:03:15we uncovered all that stuff we found the effect on me if they were worried father etcetera etcetera les that's great but that doesn't solve the problem so the tool or any but in this case is the tools a grateful floor the tool would then show the patient that
00:03:35they could control the worry right in real time and people are afraid to solve their problems believe it or not so it's not only can you control the worry and diminish the problem but you're not gonna get penalized for it and i get punished for it it's really
00:03:51open so that's why i say a tool so in this case the symptom would be worrying and the change of state would be changed to a state of grateful mints But what the patient wants to know is will i be less worried Can i sleep tonight It since
00:04:09we're so you want to say anything about their affair Yeah that's a great explanation You know when i was a student i'm a little bit younger than phil i was frustrated with this seeming dichotomy in the field of psychology and the dye economy was between depth psychology which
00:04:29is what phil essentially described it goes deeply into your past and you know at its best it really tries to explore forces in the unconscious that we're not because they're unconscious were not aware of and it was always set up is that's one sort of field of psychology
00:04:47and then the other field at the opposite end of the spectrum is behaviorism essentially the the sort of premise of which is we're all just programmable computers in a sense and forget about all this death and unconscious stuff if you take a habit and i give you you
00:05:09know a way to change the habit i'm going to give you something in real time and if you use it it will overcome the habit you know kind of thing and depth psychology frustrated me because there were never any solutions you could just go deeper and deeper and
00:05:24deeper and deeper and deeper but there would never give you a solution and cognitive behavioral psychology bothered me because it just seemed so superficial you know it's just it was almost like take a pill you're better you know kind of thing and i just sense that human beings
00:05:40were deeper than that What was so revelatory about meeting phillip's now thirty years ago was that he had melded the two together and tools are the way he melted them together because a tool not on ly changes a habit like if your habit is worried you can use
00:06:02a tool and you will stop worrying at that moment but it also calls upon and evokes forces that are so deeply buried in your unconscious you'll never knew they existed so i saw it as a melding of two extremes in psychology where you could not only change habits
00:06:21but also feel that you were evolving as a human being you were you were expanding you know in a sense and can uniting to those unconscious powers writing channeling them exactly fight always so this kind of paradox which is you get your chops you learn how to use
00:06:37these patches palace based on your problems but that's just the beginning once you can solve the problem you become very confident and it's almost like the sky's the living things were possible that i did not know were possible and actually what we're about just solving the immediate problem
00:06:55and let me underscore something that phil just said which is it really changes your whole feeling about problems most of us just say oh god i don't want any more problem when you use the tools enough you almost look forward to problems because you know that they're just
00:07:11going to evoke mohr and more potential that lies inside of you it's amazing to become fuels for growth mean bring it on right our first tool of everything is an opportunity to grow yeah is again why i get so fired up uh i want to know what is
00:07:26good go ahead for the one thing i want to say though is there a swishing apple stampedes advanced a lot moments fifteen years there's a lot of people that nominally in verbally say yes right on that's the way to go which is great but it's not enough the
00:07:42tools are very very specific the patient won't use the tool unless it's very specific and i have to understand how it works why it works etcetera that's what We have a lot of tools yes and the bottom line is tools leverage problems into possibility in five specific way
00:08:02since five specific problems and you know the book the first book and i'm really excited to hear about the second book going talk about toward the end of our chat today but basically four primary problems right ah the fear the shadow in security and then we're going to
00:08:16talk today about we mentioned worry which is what we use grateful flow for right um what what's what's drill into that so talk to us about grateful flow the problem it's it's solving and how we can use that as fuel for our growth via grateful float ok that's
00:08:34that's me right there yes okay um you know before i didn't exactly what the tool is i think it's worth the two minute discussion about the power of thinking and suspecting people you know it's been said it's trite but it's been said so many times the world is
00:08:55not how it is it telling thinking this and you know at this point it almost sounds ridiculous but everybody forgets it all the time so your thoughts will dominate and dictate how you see the world how do you see the world to a very large extent is going
00:09:11to determine how happy you are how meaningful your life is has successfully become even your health and now this is now accepted by the straight psychiatrist the reason it's been acceptance because they now have functional ways of studying the brain and brain activity so they can see they
00:09:33can see it both on the front end how listen worry would affect the brain and they could also see that the back end if you can correct the world has that expected one of things that chance the brain is very flexible and pliable much much much more suddenly
00:09:49ever gene so that's it that's the way of introducing the important cities now the other thing and i just sent everyone we're gonna get into this anyway because this second book was about poor dad waxes the devil it's the part of every single human being that wants to
00:10:10screw you up it wants the limit you it wants you not to reach your potential and want you to be unhappy it wants you to hate other people and ultimately wants you to hate crime on top of everything else so it's a sneaking rule double one around in
00:10:30your own conscience now here's the thing about this that you help people to use the tools that the average person says well i'm worried but i have good reason to be word is very logical why I'm worried right now an admitted horror for the shrink now the first
00:10:47time i realised what was really going on i was in medical school i was in there i was but i was just the second year of medical school and the second give you a lot of really difficult tests i wasn't sure i was going past the tents or
00:11:01not and finally the last day came and i realized i passed all the tests i was really worried worried worried where i couldn't sleep i have to repeat the year whatever but i passed i remember this is clear is that i was walking into my door when school
00:11:16was over i was packing up all my crap to take it home and the test must do and then maybe fifteen minutes before that and i heard myself worried oh you don't have a girlfriend yeah i have a date this summer you're going to be alone all summer
00:11:32and that's how i was twenty two twenty three s and something weird's going on here i even get a fifteen minute break it was just as worried about the girl situation as i was about the test which also don't make very much sense and that was my first
00:11:48exposure what we call for x us anything you know i think you're doing great in it propagates worry and it has an incentive to because one of the fastest ways to limit a human being i mean think about it if you were the devil how would you want
00:12:06a limited human being just flood them with negative thoughts all day long What that's going to do is limit their conception of their own potential but is also going to shift their conception of the world you know the world becomes a very hostile dangerous place when you're thinking
00:12:25negatively all the time it's not a place that's going to support you for your ideas that's going to celebrate you in any way you know people who think negatively really end up feeling like a why bother off the best i can hope for us just to get by
00:12:41Yeah so so that brings us to i think two things that before we teach little teo just remember which is number one most of what you're thinking is wrong the worse you feel the more depressed you are the more negative the thoughts are the greater the chances of
00:13:00that song it's not one hundred percent but it's up there in ninety eight ninety nine percent that's insulting to people they don't like it we were very egotistical about our thought processes and our minds You know we think we're the smartest thing in the universe don't tell me
00:13:15i'm wrong i don't know what i'm talking about They would rather have that thought right if it was going to ruin their life than have to save themselves i'm wrong it's a peculiarity of human nature that's number one number two the content of the thinking which is what
00:13:30i have told you that sort of a medical school the content of the thinking is geared by part ex not to describe reality not to tell the truth not to help you not till today it's designed for one purpose and one purpose only it's just what barry said
00:13:47which is to cripple you destroy a potential and place you with this imaginary but very very negative world Now once you accept this the game has changed all together and we like to do this because once we've changed the gang that becomes alright just to focus on the
00:14:04tool and just to focus on stopping me worry itself but in some patients tricks them warning it takes him a while to believe it's possible and it takes a while to convince them that most of these hearts are ridiculous can i just say one thing and it's an
00:14:21act of faith for most people to say i have to work on these thoughts rather than trying to prove or disprove whether they're true you know like they're they're bad for me even if they're true even if they turn out to be true it's bad for me to
00:14:35worry yes i always use a famous example i mean almost seventy so let's say in twenty years of dead there'll be a warm calling dr you're no question about it unless they cremate this happened so but it would be a good idea for me to think about that
00:14:51it's a true thought what happened possibly help me you know thinking about right now there's a different way you can think about that warm which is i don't have much time what's that better get going here which would be a positive but mostly he's the effect of these
00:15:05thoughts are even if they're right with parents it doesn't matter they're still destructed um now should i go into the black cloud about first before we've been tool when you're sure yeah oh okay yeah i love that image okay so if you don't have a picture of it
00:15:30and he gets irritable think about it like this you're let's say typical crotchety person you know review your uncle he tries into something it isn't you daughter then if you just pretend to relatives but it's the person walking around spewing out negativity so what they're telling you what
00:15:51a cloudy day it's gonna rain my income taxes too high whatever most of most of it's just internal but it never stops it's a voice that's negative that never stops now what happens Is it just you conditional eyes this all these negative thoughts when i told you before
00:16:08that you view of the world is dictated by what you think now that sort of area think of all these negative thoughts that floating up in creating this cloud and it's a big cloud you know if you take a really little kid and we take a man in
00:16:22a cloudy day and you know like a four year old three three year old has to be and you tell him you know it's cloudy out but this is sun above there the kid won't believe you said wow No i don't see any son right Well that's how
00:16:37the human psyche is i don't see any son in seconds it's not there it's because i'm i've been in it inundated cripple paralyzed and brainwashed to view things with this black cloud and what happens after what mean anybody could put themselves in the black cliffs that really was
00:16:55stupid enoughto want to do that but what happens over the years and years it becomes a habit and people have habits of thinking that a terrible for them but they don't want to change the habits the reason i don't want to change that happen is it's very familiar
00:17:11it's like this feels horrible but this is me this is this is really so and when you were with him still in a person is the drive the insistence and sets the entitlement i don't have to function as if that's all there is i wanted to spell the
00:17:31black cloud and see the sun and you know if we have time we'll talk about the sun obviously a symbol um the other thing you should know before we should teach in tours the car necks on dh negative thoughts it creates move very fast they were so fast
00:17:50you wouldn't believe it so you're you're being brainwashed quicker than you can actually think yourself it's like that sometimes putting the hyper dermot leland in neck and just injecting a very negative phyllis right and that's to say they're not really measured so it's through logical conclusions there just
00:18:11poisoned barry likes to use the the metaphor round of whatever it is that like if you have a glass of water and you took a drop of black ink and you dropped it in in about three seconds the whole the whole last will be black or white you
00:18:28construct little thing so that kind of stuff spreading of negatively happens but it's not a glass of water it's human beings and it spreads very easily from one human being to another which and that they're getting into other issues issues of leadership you know off a bad leader
00:18:47or somebody who lets that time that continue run rampant and legally politics if you were any kind of executive leader and business on your family cortex is always there trying to do there is try it poison your mind and then spread the poison out into the social environment
00:19:04and this athenians not discussed enough as far as i'm concerned against better then he used to me and i just want to add one thing to that fill which is you know most people when they hear that say well i may think negatively but i keep it to
00:19:19myself doesn't matter The truth is when you're in the black cloud people around you sense it and they start to absorb that energy and we see this all the time in families and marriages because it's kind of like a single organism and if one part of the organism
00:19:37is always thinking negatively you may never speak a word of it but your kids will pick it up your spouse will pick it up on the whole the whole family kind of goes down a notch as a result of that yeah listen very carefully because this is another
00:19:52power people don't realise they have and we call it family forces let's see your worrier we give you this tool and you use the tool and it kind of works a little bit you know what kind of be a little control over your mind etcetera that accomplishment will
00:20:09be conveyed to the other family no no consciously not not tactically they will smell it they'll feel it and i go right inside so why you create the controlling your own thinking in your own negativity you're actually helping the other family members my experience is that helps them
00:20:27more than if you talk to him about it because if you talk to somebody about it he unconsciously resist what you're saying family forces going on kind of person doesn't even know and they're going to be a lot of examples of that in the new book where one
00:20:41person works on himself or herself and uses tools over and over and over again and those family forces sort of spread out into the family and sometimes into business organizations and they start to see everyone around them functioning on a higher level as a result of what they've
00:20:57done even though the other people have no idea that they're working on themselves you know let's sit and again so somebody who can control their mind particularly this kind of thing work because most people have never been able to control the mind for two seconds it wouldn't even
00:21:12occur to them but if they've tried they had failed miserably so once you can sell them on that everything moves up to a higher where were you just saying barry Something that the new book is gonna have a lot of examples of individuals using tools and literally seeing
00:21:34changes improvements in the people around them as a result of their use of the tools Yeah and you know one thing that's very helpful if you believe everything was saying which is that if you're a leader you you're actually responsible for controlling this state of mind It's not
00:21:51just well united we would feel that that that's a big part of the job with both of us trained a lot of executives and one is one of big things we do is we give him a sense of emotional and spiritual responsibility All right let me show the
00:22:09two hours alone with stuff we could talk about if you've any questions and it's brian just soaking it up and uh you know all the way back to that that glass with one drop of black ink not only does it affect the family but i imagined your mind
00:22:25is then colored that quickly Yes the speed with which negativity comes in was really impactful for me and just that practice of slowing down and how our society is constantly click baiting us and getting us to go from thing to thing that thing and training ourselves really right
00:22:42to have no control of our minds and tio default into the negative really resonated and again just making me more excited to check out this part ex but now all of it all of it is great and i'm excited to hear its antidote um via the application of
00:22:59this tool uh you know i kind of i don't feel good today i didn't come up yeah control thought what's he getsem flow going here they're just going on out there is a bright summer out you just gonna look out there okay Thank you feel okay Yes hears
00:23:24this the way you do this a teach the tool first and i'll explain afterwards all you need is a couple of things you're grateful for you first of all and when i when i am when we do the tool you you'll need them specifically here's the key you
00:23:43could have a big thing like my kids are healthy i just got a huge promotion whatever but the little things actually um or helpful i will explain why that is so the little thing is i'm i'm grateful i had enough money to eat lunch i'm grateful i had
00:23:59a good teacher in second grade i'm grateful it's the clouds went away i'm grateful the way to do it as for him california so you're searching for you're going to search for things to be grateful for but you want to make sure many of them we're off the
00:24:15beaten path i have a thing with hot water some very grateful when how what works i'm happy i came up with a new one today phil can there i did my senior thesis in nineteen seventy yeah on a smith corona huh So you know through most your audience
00:24:35probably doesn't know what that means What it means is that if you have to switch around a paragraph for which one section you have to type the whole hundred fifty page thesis over again so the gratitude that i have for a computer being able to block edit things
00:24:54and move things around is just it's unbelievable to me yeah yeah it's like a miracle look let me just say the audience he's a lawyer so i don't think i won't say more Okay so here we go here we go back together again and i'll explain it later
00:25:15just let me take you through the procedure so basically you want to do it for a very short period of time maybe ten ten seconds fifteen not not a long time but you want to get at least three four different items okay so i'm grateful i loved my
00:25:29grandmother i'm grateful i had a good breakfast today i'm grateful is a beautiful sky i'm grateful the elevator works where now well so you say i am grateful oh before we get into this a lot of people will tell me i don't need this tool i'm grateful of
00:25:46course i'm grateful i get up every morning at that's good but it's not good enough this this is a procedure to fight part ix and believe me it's not gonna go down easily if you just say the port and see i'm pretty grateful he'll say huh You wait
00:25:59till you see them from injecting you thinking in five minutes so this is a war and you have to carry the procedure anally procedures you know in terms of what is it to They're made to be done easily and quickly but usually you gotta put in thirty seconds
00:26:15of concentration and minor person doesn't want that anyway so you gotto say these things slowly i'm grateful i like my own brother ungrateful input in mathematics i'm grateful it doesn't usually get below thirty years in california will have a nice and slow and as you create the thought
00:26:37you want to feel the gratefulness and i would say try to feel it right around your chest in your solar plexus or entering me in your heart and so what you're doing is you're creating a siri's of items to make yourself aware that you're grateful for them nice
00:26:57and slow now once you've done that you you want to keep remain aware of this force from your heart that's been creating these thoughts maybe if you got it for them but you don't want to creating with thoughts you just want to feel the force itself so it's
00:27:19a force that's grateful and wants to create something else to be grateful for but you won't let it because you wanted to just feel that as an upward moving force and you could say it moves up into your chairs for some people this keeping in a chance to
00:27:34area now and that's the grateful flow but we're not finished yet once you have that grateful flow right over here you want it so like that is you named your four things you've stopped the words from coming just feeling the force away from this moving up then you
00:27:55want to feel your chest soften really soften almost like it's no longer solid and as your chest melts you want to feel the presence of something of otherworldly compassion and giving don't try to understand it don't try to think what what it is dr to find a doctor
00:28:22or anything like that because that's more thinking you just want to feel that giving you everything right in the chest area and let it in right now that they can open us that's the basis basic picture of the two you want to say anything but you know i
00:28:41thought that was great that's exactly right I know what i would give a couple of tips one is um the way i had to learn this tool was just to start simply by generating five grateful thoughts and then after i had done that for a couple of days
00:28:59maybe a week then i moved on to the next step which is to actually feel my heart softening and feeling gratitude and then after i practice that a bunch of times then i could feel this otherworldly presence kind of approaching me so i just don't want people to
00:29:16think they've got to get it all right the first time it's okay to practice these things and get them in increments we're talking about a a truly powerful spiritually practice and it doesn't necessarily come you know easily unless you practice it and you know forgive yourself for your
00:29:32mistakes and just you know do it over and over and over again It took me a while to realize that the thoughts were not just thoughts they were openings in my heart for feelings that i hadn't felt in a long long time Yeah let me just tell you
00:29:50two things she's no one marries the best a person without saying patient i'm the best person i've ever seen in trouble his work ethic it's extraordinary and when when someone does thes tools if they tell me well i'll try and went home and tried if attendants work sprayed
00:30:09everything square they're just not being honest it was it's a fight to learn how to do these tools and that's a fight to concentrate once you know how to do them and then it's secret a bigger fight once you feel better because you want to stop doing did
00:30:22a by the way i guess i should mention so i don't forget this is one of the tools that you might to ritualistically meeting you might do when you get up in the morning when you go to sleep meals anything like that most of the tools don't lend
00:30:36themselves but this one doesn't speak very much now so let me just take everybody thought again once really fast they can feel the world is getting so close your eyes and just slowly create uh things you're grateful for try four okay that's good keep the flow going now
00:31:08but no words no thoughts no nothing just a pure force moving right through your heart once they create and now field you just soften my attempted general completely so often you're gonna feel this beneficent benign giving force very concerned with giving to you and you're just going to
00:31:32feel it approach you and the sense of melting is not gonna be melting into and become part of that force however that come tap that was excellent okay you know as i talk and try to stay aloof you wouldn't you want to say something but i know i
00:31:52was just experiencing coming back out of it okay So again remember there's two things you don't remember saying i'm grateful believing in a tool all that stuff is nice but this you actually have to do this and i discovered twenty five thirty years by i still helped you
00:32:11when everybody does so we'll try and build up besides the technology to try and build up this aggressive you know well in this the other thing is the more technical were you trying to many things don't always said it's in four things and the reason for that is
00:32:30again you want to force yourself to do the work the work off mixing new ideas in direction willpower to this magnificent force which we call it the source if you want to say that another way you know the universe is always creating new things so you want to
00:32:53kind of make yourself like make your heart and your mind like the universe of your crew it takes a certain amount of creativity just to come up with new things each time and that's why phil i think you originally called the tool the grateful flow is that flow
00:33:09of newness that actually sinks you up with something raider than you just reflect back some of the experience i have is i listen to you guys share uh we know it's scientifically the gratitude is so powerful just doing it once a week for you know documenting five things
00:33:25increases your happiness by as much as twenty five percent or something ridiculous like that but what i love about your work is that is the practice aspect of it and just being able to notice when that black cloud of worry thoughts comes over discipline ourselves with the intensity
00:33:40that very talked about and lives with ah rigorously and relentlessly and he said to make it a practice and to get better and better at it incrementally is what inspires me the most you know just to feel that and to have that if then trigger if this comes
00:33:57and then i do this and i won't do it well in the beginning because i've got decades of experience of not doing that but if given time i'm goingto more consistently tap into more deeply this this extraordinary force so this is what i love so much about this
00:34:12and everything else you were talking about yeah it's very exciting if you get into it because i don't know i get into this early for some reason i remember even as a kid i couldn't articulate it but the notion that we as human beings are given consciousness and
00:34:31free will and that we can use that to actually change ourselves that really excited me I was a weird little kid i guess but it really turned me on and that's it why the tools turned beyond so much was because here were very specific ways that i could
00:34:49leverage problems into potential you know And it it really does become a very exciting thing for those who can who can really apply it diligently and it's not if i can highlight that for a moment It's not just the depth psychology archaeological dig therapy of going from negative
00:35:06ten too negative five to zero it's okay cool We got that Now what is the infinite potential that were capable of if we actually practice this and again used these challenges and problems in quotes as fuel Then it's literally like strapping on the rocket boosters and getting to
00:35:24tour the upper limits of potential right that's what's so exciting about it to see how far you can actually evolve as a human being it's and it really gives you a feeling of lim listens Yeah yeah i remember why i was on the freshman basketball assuming this kid
00:35:42here we're playing this school st francis and brooklyn was a good school if you're that scholarship anyway this kid john clifton had scored thirty seven points on the freshman team which was a school record but there were five minutes left for the game and the game was time
00:35:57remembers to this day i was sixteen years old a toke said it's really okay this one one thirty seven points you can keep going just because you hit the record you don't have to stop and it stuck in my mind was fifty years ago on dh that's what
00:36:10we were about your you know telling people in a really that really makes it fundamentally different from most of therapy i want to say something about brian you know i saw him and i think this by accident and over i saw one of your clips teaching our stuff
00:36:33the first thing i said is who is this the second thing i says jesus better ass than i am that's the third thing i've realized is you actually had that worked as it yeah and i think the more this like overview group of people there willing to arrest
00:36:57the better well i mean this is this thank you ah i feel that in my heart and i appreciate your kind words and it means a lot and that's the quality that i aspired to have the most were on video chatting but if you can see that but
00:37:13it is the three greek word for their meta virtue of in this moment are you showing up most fully and so i really appreciate that reflection and that intensity and that that work ethic is something that i aspired to continue to cultivate So thank you Um i feel
00:37:30like that was great I really like your meditation I really felt that obviously we can talk about it some more but i feel great about it if you guys feel good and we could talk about active love Great Yeah Ok Um let's do that So active love Uh
00:37:50yeah yeah Um tell me let's talk about this because i just this one is really impacted me as well tickling my intimate relationship with my wife you know when there's that maze of okay it's easy to run around and kind of ah berry and phil will tell us
00:38:07about the maze but but from my experience there's this pattern we have of worry which we just talked about them there's also that kind of anger and the frustration of i'm right you're wrong kind of thing and finding all the reasons why someone's wrong and to really move
00:38:23from that into using this tool of active love has been transformative Me not just in our relationship but all relationships of any time I feel that niggling of of anger this's such a beautiful tool to apply so i'm really excited for you guys teo explore that however you
00:38:38feel most inspired that's great yeah let's start with the problem first act of love is a tool that's designed for a particular state of mind which phil and i called the maze it's the state of mind everybody recognizes that everybody gets into it when you've been wronged in
00:38:56some way and you can't stop thinking about the person who wronged you you go over it what they did to you in your mind you can't let go of it and it's like it literally is like a maze because you get trapped in it you know So your
00:39:11boyfriend flirts with someone and now you're plotting how to humiliate him back You know a co worker dismiss is an idea of yours and you didn't say anything about it and now you're coming up with brilliantly cutting remarks that are going to put him down you know it's
00:39:24that i i actually saw this inaction a couple of months ago i took an uber ride and the driver was in the maze you know a passenger about a week before that it got into his car incredibly drunk and had vomited all over his upholstery those people with
00:39:46amazes yeah it's this state of mind where you can't get over the wrong that's been committed to you so he'll never see this guy again but he couldn't let go he was talking about it with me a week later for the entire ride So what happens when unfair
00:40:03things happened to us is we feel like it shouldn't have happened and look maybe in some perfect world it shouldn't have happened there's only one problem with that which is it did happen and no amount of thinking about it or anger about it is going to change that
00:40:21fact so your job is to get past it toe actually minimise its effect on you otherwise you're letting this person who wronged you and what they did to you you're letting that your mind so whatever you decide to do about it you may decide to confront the person
00:40:39you may decide to let it go The first step is to get yourself out of the maze whether you confront the person or not is actually a strategic decision and you can't make good strategic decisions when you're in the maids I'm a good example of that one evening
00:40:56this was about twenty years ago thank god but i spent the entire night composing the nastiest most poisonous letter i've ever written to a contractor who had kind of screwed me and i have to say it with some of the best writing of it but when i woke
00:41:13up i realized i can't send this letter i actually need this guy to complete the job it was a complete waste of my time so the question becomes how do you get out of the maze and to get out of the maze you need something stronger then your
00:41:30ego see the ego is the part of you that actually makes judgments about what should happen and what shouldn't happen and it's already decided that this shouldn't happen it was unfair on like a little kid is going to dig its heels in and stick with that until the
00:41:47wrong gets righted and good luck with that because frankly most wrongs never get write it you know the slights and the injuries and the insults just come in and you have to let go of him yeah my favorite was at the beginning of hamlet you know with this
00:42:02flight has been killed his father comes back as a ghost to me sister hamlet you must set the balance straight no florid shakespeare and if you read the play didn't work too well everybody was there and you need to work well first of all the city is a
00:42:20days so i know it's great so so while you're in the maze while you're waiting for the wrong to be righted all it really happens is life goes on without you everyone else is moving on and you're stuck in this horrible state of mind so if the ego
00:42:42isn't enough to get you out of the maze you need something else and what you need is something greater then you now in our first book we call that a higher force doesn't have religious connotations if you're agnostic or atheistic don't be put off by it it just
00:42:57means that it's something bigger than your ego and in this instance we identified the higher force that we're talking about with the word outflow think of outflow as a force that just loves life in all of its forms good bad beautiful ugly fair unfair it's just completely accept
00:43:22everything that exists without the judgements and differentiations that the eagle makes it's kind of like sunlight it just shines on everybody they don't have to merit it or deserve it it just shines on him you know kind of thing and it's the force that really embodies there's this
00:43:40beautiful quote from rainer maria rocca this early twentieth century poet where he says life is in the right always which means you have to accept everything how low is that force that he's describing now what the tool active love does is it sinks you up it synchronizes you
00:44:01with this force of outflow so you can get out of the maze and back into life and start participating again fair or unfair so i think probably the best thing for me to do is to actually give you the tool and have he practices see you know see
00:44:20how you do so probably the best way for for me to teach the tulips rito imagine that someone has wronged you just pick an incident from the past or predict something that's gonna happen in the future somebody you know all of our examples because we live in l
00:44:36a come from traffic so somebody cuts you off on the freeway or something you know just stops in the middle of the street you know whatever So you've got that wrong feeling going on inside of you and that's where we can start with the tool in the tool
00:44:50s three steps the first step is called concentration just imagine that you are surrounded by a warm liquid light that is infinitely loving and what i want you to do is feel your heart expand far beyond you so that you can become one with this love now as
00:45:16you bring your heart back to normal size this infinite energy concentrates itself inside your chest it's this unstoppably compressed loving force that just wants to give itself away now we can move on to step two This is called transmission focus on the person who has triggered your anger
00:45:42obviously in this instance there not physically in front of you eun usually they're not so just visualize their presence and now what i want you to do is send all of the love in your chest directly to them hold absolutely nothing back it's like completely expelling a deep
00:46:02breath and then comes step three which is called penetration follow the love as it leaves your chest and when it enters the other person at their solar plexus don't just watch that happening feel it enter them this will give you the sense that you're actually completely one with
00:46:23um it erases the distinction between you and them and now just relax you'll feel yourself once again surrounded by infinite love and it returns to you all of the energy that you gave away but i just feel suits that's it three steps so its concentration where you're concentrating
00:47:03this this force of outflow inside your heart its transmission where you're sending the outflow to the other person and its penetration where in a sense the object world disappears any distance between you and the other person disappears and you're over it you're completely threw it beautiful Now let
00:47:29me say one other thing about this most people their biggest problem with this is that they get hung up on whether or not they should address the person who did the wrong to them and their minds keep flipping back to yeah but should i talk to him or
00:47:49should i not talk to her What should i do Or you know should i confront them You know etcetera etcetera and i just want to make an appeal to anyone who's listening to this always get yourself out of the maze first before you make that decision because you
00:48:05can't make good decisions in the maze and it's you know in a sense the philosophy b behind active love is very important but philosophy is your state of mind is ground zero it comes first it has two beam or important then anything else that you do whether you
00:48:25get back at the person or address them or confront them or not So you can't control most of what happens to you in the outside world that's why your state of mind is ground zero because you can control your state of mind your response to what happens in
00:48:42the outside world and that's a kind of power that most people never experience It's what loud sue the ancient chinese philosopher was really tryingto address when he said he who conquers others is strong but he who masters himself is mighty and that's the kind of might that act
00:49:03of love creates it says i will i will never disconnect myself from outflow no matter what you do to me And if you really read martin luther king's speech on loving your enemies you'll see the whole spirit of this is embodied in that speech There's never been well
00:49:22there have been but this is a man who was really severely persecuted by by the simple almost every state in the south and he said in the speech i refused to hate i refused to seek revenge i will not that would be the worst thing that i could
00:49:36do to myself i won't let that happen Yeah um i just wanted a couple of things uh do it to stop No it was amazing That was thank you Um two things number one uh you if people always say well especially where i grew up you know what
00:50:06you you assisting you know you're gonna let somebody tissues got to you and the answer is very interesting which is if i mean now in my old age if i had to punch you in the face i would wantto do the tool and being full out for and
00:50:22the reason would be i would need less from you the whole purpose of the tool is don't try to get what you need from the other person because seconds and power you So what what do you get this tool You get the sense of connection to the whole
00:50:36you get the sense you're part of the universe you get the sense that no matter how reaches heinous evil the other person is they can't stop you anymore from me in this outflow state now that that outflow state and punching somebody in the face of very similar actually
00:50:54now if if you're in the maze oh you did this to me and you tell people you better upon you stiffen up and you're not gonna be as good a final so i'm not the sort of licence to do that obviously but just to deal with the objection
00:51:11of the seven thing that's very interesting is if you have to confront somebody or tell him something will be in an uncomfortable situation send active love to them first send it right into the situation you'll find your management answer about fifty percent of time that will change the
00:51:29valance it'll change the trajectory of the meeting and sometimes you think that guy's going to jump right on your case and you do that and somehow the peace of mind it's transmitted to him also a little bit nicer to you can't give an example of that this is
00:51:44amazing example that's happened to me like twenty five years ago my mother was a film newer actually she was a difficult woman she was she was an amazing mother in many many ways incredibly creative really braid i mean just taught me philosophy from you know a very early
00:52:02age but she was very difficult and the people she was the hardest on were my older sister and me and just to give you an example when i was a young parent i mean my kids were very very young i was working incredibly long hours i would see
00:52:17like ten patients a day come home at about eight o'clock grab some dinner maybe spend a little bit of time with them go to sleep in that get up you know the next morning and just like be like that every day of the week one one night i
00:52:30came home it was about eight o'clock i was just exhausted kitchen was a mess and made myself some dinner is just sitting down to eat in the phone ring i picked up the phone it was my mother on the other end and she she needed say hello she
00:52:44literally said barry there's a light bulb out over my head and if you don't get over here and change it now i'm going to find another son who will click this my mother said that this is what you say that boiling thing on this was fairly routine you
00:53:02know for my mother i must have used active love twenty or thirty times after that phone call and i decided to get in my car and go over there and i she answered the door and i went in and i changed the light bulb and i don't think
00:53:20i could have done this without the tool I sat down with her and said now look you've alienated everyone in your life except for me you can't ever speak to me that way again do you understand that And amazingly for a woman who was so hard she burst
00:53:40into tears and she said i know i'm so sorry i feel abandoned so easily that i come out swinging and that's why people abandon you know kind of thing it was like an amazing moment and it's indicative of those family forces that we were talking about earlier if
00:54:00you can change yourself very awful i'm not saying it's a guarantee earning but very often other people rise to the level that you've achieved i have a question when we were when we discuss these thes tools each of them in their own right is obviously so powerful is
00:54:18the way to build the capacity to practice them practicing them where is there and or is there a meta practice that you encourage um your patients and clients to follow uh i'll leave it at that well oh glenn there i was just going to say practicing them is
00:54:38number one number two is making connections with other people whether it's in the form of a tools group which by the way there is one but that has formed in new york and there are others around the country but even just having one person to check in with
00:54:54regularly and discuss whatever problem you're having and get advice on which tool to use and report into someone about whether or not you're using it times that you've lapse times that it just you know just like a twelve step group you know keeps people sober any kind of
00:55:13contact regular contact with someone else keeps you straighter in your use of tools that's great phil we're going to say something this is a thing in couples therapy this is c these tools applied a couple's therapy as well as radiotherapy that is what happens in couples therapy trustful
00:55:32fifty percent of serapis or not very good and so forget them because their then many things were the other fifty percent they will the key to couples therapy is over i pull into face it doesn't matter who did what to who thirty two years ago doesn't matter we've
00:55:51got the only thing that matters is how you interact every day when you are together in the classic interface time is the the husband comes home from work it's seven thirty at night his wife is tearing her hair out These two little kids destroy my living room that's
00:56:08isn't interference but interface to be any any time you're basically coming back into contact with with somebody now so and they're fairly classic problems with ian different so his is the most common when somebody tends to be withdrawn right Listen the guy he gets home when he wants
00:56:31to withdraw a real newspaper prison is his following all the stuff right So and he'll overdo it now that's his poor necks the fact that he wants to do that he wants withdraw now the wife's part ex very commonly not all the time was his claim this needing
00:56:50his fear of abandonment that's hard quartz yeah then you get interlock between the two axes he starts to withdraw as she starts to feel a band that just well baron staying he feels he's feels she's claiming she's on his case he'll withdraw even more should i get more
00:57:06abandoned so we call that into locking accents it's it's neurotic part of personalities dancing with each other that's their into face so there is literally a self reinforcing cycle where each part exes reinforcing the part x and the other yes Oh yes that's an insulating i've never experienced
00:57:27that you live in a monastery that maybe it was yesterday morning that thing okay some assurance i sees clear with the promised so i can tell the husband stop withdrawing being more present and i can tell the wife back off give him some room there's something wrong with
00:57:52that is finally set to shrink knows that season is well it's great but it's not great enough because you got part nick's screwing the pooch here you know try and mess it up so they need tools so just to go back to the tool this fantastic presentation marriages
00:58:11let's say in this case would probably be more palatable to the husband because he's trying to withdraw she's on this case he's getting angry then he started that solomon's complaining i think she did twenty two years above him whatever he has to use god tour right in that
00:58:26moment it doesn't matter what he knows if he doesn't use the tool he can't change his fate if he can't change his state her partner jacks is still going to be on his case she don't believe it and people are mistrustful anyway so this is it's really not
00:58:44that complex but it's a twenty things one of the reasons this particular tool is so important it's almost like a world level important speaking to me this is the problem in the world right now and it's great for people to talk about it but it's not it's not
00:59:01great enough that's one of our missions he tried that these things out you know service i want to add on something onto what phil said two things actually the first is that another amazing concept that i learned from phil that's directly applicable to couples therapy is unilateral ality
00:59:24means that husband is gonna have to use that tool act of love regardless of whether his wife is working on herself or not because there are times when everyone lapses and forgets or just is too roughed up by their own part x to use the tool and what
00:59:43we want in couples there be is to get the couple to the highest common denominator not the lowest common denominator you're only willing to use a tool when your partner's using the tool you're functioning at the lowest common denominator if you're using if you're using a tool unilaterally
00:59:59like i don't care whether she does it or not i'm doing it for myself then very likely she'll rise up to that level and vice versa i'm not being sexist about it i just you know it's it's a it's a it's a place where we all tend to
01:00:17absolve ourselves of individual responsibility and the answer is i'm taking that risk what ability for myself that's it it's bottom line yeah that's a real emotional leadership no i was talking about that's doing and it's it's amazing to because it's it's only when both individuals in a dye
01:00:36ad are in that ex state that the real fireworks occur right if one of you's up even if it's not using a tool do you just happen to be in a better mood you don't get down and it won't happen so it's just fastening for me to observe
01:00:49that in my own relationship and teo do what you're talking about well it's unilateral responsibility of be the one that's stepping up when it's you know when that little x is trying to get youto to see all the reasons why the other person is being if they just
01:01:05change everything would be okay is amazing because i watch because my wife is a shrink also so and i and i'm a shrink so i observed myself and there are times when i can't control my part acts and i noticed that if my wife doesn't respond and she
01:01:20just does hurt i can feel my axe wanting to pull her in and wanted to provoke her and i'm watching my part excell lose and i'm so grateful to her at the same time for not feeding into it it's an amazing to watch a really cool yeah well
01:01:35this is good we covered a ton thank you so much for your thanks thank you yeah we bring out the best in us well it's really inspiring i hope everyone gets his much as i got out of our chat today ah again can't wait for the next book
01:01:53um part axe is the title working title we don't have a title yet be honest with you but part x is the the subject of the book yes it's that's what we're going to get into this is good um early two thousand seventeen is what berrien filler are
01:02:11planning on i really look forward to getting a copy of that and having with one of these chats ah timed around the release of that book for now remind me the best place that people can go to discover more the tools book dot com and you can sign
01:02:28up there for bi monthly newsletters that we send out with you know inspiring stories and other information about the tools and all that all of that good stuff Okay fantastic The tools book dot com i've already praise it so much i will present one more time Awesome Get
01:02:48it check it out Transformative practice it Um berrien phil thank you so much Thank you Hey this is brian with one more quick note before we wrap up today's chat I hope you enjoyed berry and phil's wisdom And if you did check out their website as very said
01:03:07the tools book dot com and warrior there and they want to sign up for their newsletter they send out twice a month with stories new ways to use the tools and other inspiring goodness Great stuff you can't get anywhere else i hope you enjoy and i look forward
01:03:24to sharing more soon Have another awesome day isn't it a bit odd We went from math to science to history but somehow missed the class on howto live for some wacky reason Optimal living one o one never make the schedule of course it's too late to go back
01:03:45and change that and you're too busy to read full time to catch up yet if you're like us you're all about optimizing your life and actualizing your potential So imagine this Imagine having someone read the best books on optimal living and pulling out the big ideas that can
01:04:06truly change your life You know those section two asterix and underline and mark all up Then imagine that guy me connecting those ideas toe other great books and helping you apply them to your life today Well that's what i do is something we call philosophers notes right Break
01:04:27down each great book into a simple six page pdf twenty minute mp three and ten minute philosophers notes tv episode then imagine me taking the absolute best big ideas from those great books and sharing them with you and fun inspiring super practical optimal living one o one classes
01:04:49on stuff like purpose One o one confidence Wanna one business Wanna one meditation wantto one that sort of thing You've got a personal trainer I'm kind of like your personal philosopher Ancient wisdom plus modern science common sense plus virtue plus mastery plus fun that's what are optimized membership
01:05:12program is all about wade love to have you join us Check us out at brian johnson Dot me slash joint

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