Full Transcript for Family Dysfunction: When Estrangement Is The Healthiest Choice

the healthy communication, because you can have communication in families, but it might not be healthy. 00:04:16.160 --> 00:04:17.759 Are y'all cursing each other out? 00:04:18.000 --> 00:04:20.560 Are you wishing bad on the person? 00:04:20.800 --> 00:04:21.839 Are you lifting them up? 00:04:22.000 --> 00:04:23.519 Are you are you a safe space? 00:04:23.680 --> 00:04:25.040 Can they come to you and talk? 00:04:25.120 --> 00:04:27.759 Um so those things. 00:04:28.240 --> 00:04:31.680 So, how does a dysfunctional family start? 00:04:32.079 --> 00:04:40.000 For example, two parents come together, they have the best intentions, you know, they get married, they start having children. 00:04:41.040 --> 00:04:44.079 Where does that dysfunction come from? 00:04:44.319 --> 00:04:49.199 Is it from the stress of being parents, the stress of life? 00:04:49.920 --> 00:04:51.040 What happens? 00:04:51.759 --> 00:04:53.920 So I feel like it was there. 00:04:54.160 --> 00:05:05.040 So I don't feel like two healthy people come together and then they just start having problems when it comes to like dysfunction and like those generational things that are those traumas that are passed down. 00:05:05.279 --> 00:05:07.360 It comes for they had it already. 00:05:07.519 --> 00:05:16.560 And then having a child is probably just making them making it exasperate and they're able to look into it because now we got to sit down and we have to make decisions together. 00:05:16.639 --> 00:05:19.279 What's best for the family, what's best for the kids. 00:05:19.439 --> 00:05:31.040 And if you have two people with, say, two different walks of life and they don't, they weren't raised the same way, they may not agree on the same things when it comes to raising that child, which then can create some problems. 00:05:31.120 --> 00:05:36.319 And a lot of times those problems and dysfunctions, they they grow. 00:05:36.560 --> 00:05:38.720 I call them Legos under the rug. 00:05:38.959 --> 00:05:52.000 They kind of grow because the communication, I'm gonna always go back to communication because I just feel like a lot of the things that we go through and we deal with, um, especially within the family unit, can be resolved with some communicating. 00:05:52.240 --> 00:05:59.680 But I feel like a lot of times, like for me, we didn't have that healthy, you can come and talk to us. 00:05:59.839 --> 00:06:04.079 It was always a stay in a child's place, don't talk back. 00:06:04.240 --> 00:06:18.560 And that I feel like with our generation, with my generation anyway, it has caused a lot of anxiety and people who don't know how to communicate or who doesn't know how to effectively communicate or don't feel like they're hurt. 00:06:18.639 --> 00:06:22.240 Um, that was one of my issues being shutting down and not communicating. 00:06:22.319 --> 00:06:26.000 Cause I'm like, well, they probably don't care what I gotta say or listen. 00:06:26.319 --> 00:06:33.360 So I but to answer your question, I feel like those issues are they're already brewing before the relationship. 00:06:33.439 --> 00:06:40.639 They just get to come out in that space where, you know, it's feasible for it to come out. 00:06:40.959 --> 00:06:44.399 You mentioned about dysfunction in the Black family. 00:06:44.639 --> 00:06:50.879 Do you think there's a difference based on your professional expertise and experience? 00:06:51.040 --> 00:06:58.639 Is there a difference in the kinds of dysfunction based on ethnicity or culture or religion? 00:06:59.759 --> 00:07:04.720 I will say I did at one point when I first started my journey. 00:07:04.959 --> 00:07:06.720 I thought that there was a difference. 00:07:06.879 --> 00:07:11.600 But after the interviews I've done, I've interviewed a lot of people. 00:07:11.839 --> 00:07:15.600 And what I found is that family dysfunction is just what it is. 00:07:15.759 --> 00:07:19.920 It doesn't matter the race or who you are, it just may look different. 00:07:20.160 --> 00:07:24.079 Some people may have verbal abuse, some may have physical abuse. 00:07:24.240 --> 00:07:26.879 But I feel like with family dysfunction, it's the same. 00:07:27.040 --> 00:07:39.040 I um the reason I speak to a lot of black families when I talk and I say black families, because I feel like a lot of us, we don't like to deal with our stuff. 00:07:39.360 --> 00:07:47.519 Whereas I see like more so in like the Caucasians, like they're more prone to go to rehabs and go and go to therapy. 00:07:47.680 --> 00:07:51.680 And when you talk to black people about therapy, they always be like, Ain't nothing wrong with me. 00:07:52.000 --> 00:07:53.040 Ain't nothing wrong with me. 00:07:53.120 --> 00:07:58.399 And like you don't have to have something like just wrong with you to go to therapy. 00:07:58.560 --> 00:08:05.759 Like having someone to talk to that is unbiased, that does not know your whole life story just may be a good avenue. 00:08:05.920 --> 00:08:15.279 They may be able to point you in a direction to where you can start healing, but like it's it's such a hard conversation to have with us. 00:08:16.399 --> 00:08:49.120 Well, as a person who's been through many years of therapy after serving in the military and managing post-traumatic stress, I can tell you that what I got out of therapy was the ability to process what happened to me and how I feel about it and what I'm gonna do with my life moving forward with a relative stranger, you know, someone I'm meeting for the first time on the first day of our sessions together, was so much easier than trying to talk to a parent or a sibling. 00:08:50.000 --> 00:09:03.919 Cause they, because let's be honest, like most of the parents, like because like for me, like most of my traumas and things that I deal with are passed down or were direct ref reflection of my childhood and what I went through with the parent. 00:09:04.240 --> 00:09:14.080 And trying to talk to them about that stuff, they're so dismissive and oh

yeah, yeah, you know, and it's it's like trying to that don't that it don't help me. 00:09:14.159 --> 00:09:15.840 Like that makes me even sadder. 00:09:16.000 --> 00:09:25.039 I can remember trying to talk to my mom about something, and I brought it up and she completely changed the subject on me and it hurt my feelings. 00:09:25.200 --> 00:09:28.080 So it's like I'm not trying to talk to a parent. 00:09:28.159 --> 00:09:33.440 And then I have a sister who went through a lot of the same things, probably even more than I went through. 00:09:33.600 --> 00:09:40.159 And trying to talk to her is like she's not ready to like even go through or have those conversations. 00:09:40.320 --> 00:09:42.399 So it's even hard trying to talk to her. 00:09:42.559 --> 00:09:53.440 So why not talk to somebody who is trained and that's a professional who has gone to school, who has equipped themselves to be able to help you through whatever you're going through. 00:09:53.759 --> 00:09:54.480 I love that. 00:09:54.720 --> 00:10:06.000 So, how do these dysfunctional patterns from childhood show up in our lives as adults and affect our relationships and self-esteem and even the way we parent children of our own? 00:10:06.639 --> 00:10:22.639 So I a lot of times, so one example that I can think of is the relationship that I had, or I would say didn't have with my dad, the type of men that I chose as an adult, the things that I put up with, the abandonment issues, those. 00:10:22.960 --> 00:10:29.919 So as an as a grown woman, I'm yearning for a father figure in a romantic relationship. 00:10:30.399 --> 00:10:31.360 Like what? 00:10:31.600 --> 00:10:37.039 And I didn't realize it at first, but now I'm just like, I look back and I'm like, I did not like that man. 00:10:37.200 --> 00:10:41.840 I liked who he was, how protective he was because I didn't get to experience that. 00:10:41.919 --> 00:10:44.159 That's something I missed as a girl. 00:10:44.480 --> 00:10:52.480 So, like as a mom now, like with I have one daughter, and I'm very big on like the open door policy. 00:10:52.559 --> 00:10:54.960 Like they say you have it at jobs, I have it in my house. 00:10:55.039 --> 00:10:56.799 You can talk to me about anything. 00:10:56.960 --> 00:10:58.960 I'm gonna tell you what it is. 00:10:59.120 --> 00:11:04.159 If you come to me with some boy problems, I'm gonna tell you what it about is and what it about ain't. 00:11:04.320 --> 00:11:11.919 And we, and I've always, since she's been old enough to have those conversations when it comes to relationships, I've had those conversations with her. 00:11:12.080 --> 00:11:13.679 And not in a negative way. 00:11:13.840 --> 00:11:20.240 I've had conversations in a way to where she understands like these are the signs, this is what you look for. 00:11:20.399 --> 00:11:25.919 This is if this is happening, then it's probably this, you know, give everybody a fair chance. 00:11:26.080 --> 00:11:33.919 Don't ever go into something treating a

person how whatever happened in your last relationship, which is something I had to learn. 00:11:34.240 --> 00:11:41.840 So just being able to go through those experiences and then equip them my children to do even better than I did. 00:11:42.480 --> 00:12:08.320 Well, for those listeners who didn't have a strong father figure in their lives and they find themselves dating the wrong kinds of men because they're looking for someone who's going to, you're unconsciously looking for someone who's going to make you feel safe and sort of almost like be that father figure in your life, even though you don't really want that on a conscious level. 00:12:08.720 --> 00:12:36.480 One of the ways that you can break that, and I'm not speaking from experience, I had a very good father in my life, but it's advice that I've given people before and they say it worked for them, is that if you find that you're dating the wrong men for you because you're unconsciously looking for a father figure, then what you might want to develop is relationships with older men that are platonic. 00:12:36.799 --> 00:12:50.639 For example, volunteering and assisted living centers where you're meeting older men, it's not a romantic involvement, but just developing friendships. 00:12:50.960 --> 00:13:03.519 And there's nothing wrong with what I call intentional family, people who show up in your life in a positive way, and then you just kind of adopt them as an uncle or father or grandfather. 00:13:04.159 --> 00:13:04.879 I like that. 00:13:05.039 --> 00:13:05.919 I like that a lot. 00:13:06.159 --> 00:13:12.799 And I actually had someone who stepped in when I was like in high school that was like a father figure. 00:13:13.120 --> 00:13:15.600 He passed away probably about 10 years ago. 00:13:15.840 --> 00:13:22.960 So I lost that relationship, but I never thought about adopting an uncle or a papa. 00:13:24.240 --> 00:13:31.120 And it, you know, it helps the person who's in the assisted living whose family might not live close by or don't have a lot of time. 00:13:31.279 --> 00:13:41.519 And then you also get the benefit of having a papa that maybe is not biologically related to you, but they can still feel that fill that role. 00:13:41.759 --> 00:13:45.519 And I'm sure there are a lot of people who would love the company. 00:13:45.759 --> 00:14:00.720 So when we talk about dysfunction or think about dysfunction, and we want to start talking about it with our families, I could relate to the idea of well, if I if I open that box, it's gonna break up my family. 00:14:01.600 --> 00:14:05.200 Talk us through that and how we can manage that whole situation. 00:14:06.080 --> 00:14:13.039 Well, I will say this I'm probably a little different than your average person because I don't care. 00:14:13.519 --> 00:14:21.679 If you listen to my podcast and you listen to my dysfunctional family series, like I genuinely do not care. 00:14:21.840 --> 00:14:25.200 I'm gonna talk about it, I'm gonna speak about it, I'm gonna call it out. 00:14:25.440 --> 00:14:27.600 And if you don't like it, change it. 00:14:27.840 --> 00:14:30.080 Because nothing that I'm saying is wrong. 00:14:30.240 --> 00:14:40.000 I don't put names in my episodes, I don't really talk to a lot of specific situations unless they're directly affecting me. 00:14:40.240 --> 00:14:58.639 So, like I'm, I mean, for somebody who may be not as bold as I am, I would say maybe start with the family members that you have the closest relationships with and then start building with them and then try to venture off or try to do like family functions. 00:14:58.720 --> 00:15:06.879 You know, if you want to build those relationships, I'm an advocate for only reaching and dealing with the people who are good for your nervous system. 00:15:07.039 --> 00:15:12.960 Don't go reaching for trying to build relationships with people who you know are going to try to use and abuse you. 00:15:13.200 --> 00:15:16.159 Even family, I will cut them off. 00:15:16.320 --> 00:15:17.440 Don't talk to them. 00:15:17.679 --> 00:15:26.480 No, you don't have to don't ever feel obligated to have a relationship with somebody because of what the relationship is mother, father, sister, brother. 00:15:26.639 --> 00:15:27.200 I don't care. 00:15:27.440 --> 00:15:28.639 They ain't good for you. 00:15:28.960 --> 00:15:30.879 Snip, snip, cut them off. 00:15:32.559 --> 00:15:42.559 Before we cover the next topic in this episode, I want to introduce you to the adventure sports lifestyle with what I like to call a micro story about an adventure that I've had. 00:15:42.720 --> 00:15:47.360 The adventure sports lifestyle and my deep connection to nature is essential to my good health. 00:15:47.519 --> 00:15:49.360 So here's the story. 00:15:49.679 --> 00:16:05.200 I wanted to help my neighbors in an apartment complex to love nature as much as I did because I started to notice that we lived in this great community, but they would leave things floating in the pool. 00:16:05.360 --> 00:16:11.200 They just didn't respect or take care of this beautiful natural environment that we had. 00:16:11.440 --> 00:16:23.919 So I put up a flyer and announced that if you want to learn how to grow a container garden and have fresh herbs on your balcony, join me. 00:16:24.639 --> 00:16:27.440 And the event was a huge hit. 00:16:27.679 --> 00:16:36.720 So many people showed up with their containers, their soil, and the herb seeds that they were going to plant. 00:16:36.960 --> 00:16:46.320 And all over the community, you started to see people have a deeper connection to nature through their own little container garden on their balcony. 00:16:46.559 --> 00:16:48.960 And then something else magical happened. 00:16:49.120 --> 00:16:54.080 They started to pick up their trash in the natural spaces around the community. 00:16:54.399 --> 00:17:06.799 I hope this inspires you to get outside an adventure alone with friends or the people you love most,

and maybe even start a stewardship or cleanup event in your own community. 00:17:07.119 --> 00:17:22.960 Talk about family estrangement or intentional estrangement because it's it's actually a popular topic of conversation right now because 27% of Americans are estranged from at least one family member. 00:17:23.200 --> 00:17:31.599 And that's making a conscious decision not to have contact at all with one or more family members. 00:17:32.000 --> 00:17:34.640 What are you hearing through your work? 00:17:34.960 --> 00:17:39.200 And what are your thoughts about intentionally staying away from people? 00:17:39.440 --> 00:17:45.200 I feel like if it's not a healthy relationship, you should stay away from it no matter what. 00:17:45.440 --> 00:17:58.240 And most of the time, that is the situation the family member maybe was abusive, they're verbally abusive, they're just not supportive, they don't deserve to breathe the same air as you. 00:17:58.480 --> 00:18:01.440 So I'm supportive of that. 00:18:01.599 --> 00:18:10.000 Like I, as long as you're doing it in a healthy way and it's for good reason, I support it 100%. 00:18:10.400 --> 00:18:16.880 Now, I don't support you keeping kids away from other parents just because you and your feelings because y'all didn't work out. 00:18:17.039 --> 00:18:18.799 That's not what I'm talking about. 00:18:19.200 --> 00:18:24.799 I'm talking about those relationships where that person comes around and your belly starts hurting, you get a headache. 00:18:24.960 --> 00:18:28.240 It's just your your body knows that the person's not good for you. 00:18:28.400 --> 00:18:32.000 Advocate for not being in those relationships. 00:18:32.079 --> 00:18:34.000 Like if it's it's strange, it's strange. 00:18:34.160 --> 00:18:37.119 Like we got to do what's best for us. 00:18:37.279 --> 00:18:39.359 And especially when we have kids involved. 00:18:39.440 --> 00:18:41.119 Like I'm a mom of five. 00:18:41.359 --> 00:18:46.160 I'm not holding on to a relationship that's not good for my nervous system. 00:18:46.319 --> 00:18:51.039 That every time the person calls, it's like it's it's bothering me. 00:18:51.119 --> 00:18:54.559 I get a headache, you know, and I don't want those types of people around my kids. 00:18:54.640 --> 00:19:00.799 I'm not going to be around people who always want to argue, real big on not arguing in front of my children. 00:19:00.960 --> 00:19:03.039 Like I don't support that at all. 00:19:03.200 --> 00:19:08.160 We do in healthy relationships, healthy communication, and we're maintaining it. 00:19:08.480 --> 00:19:24.559 So for people who are listening and they want to have an honest conversation about the dysfunction in their family, what's a way that they can do it where it doesn't trigger the family member to get defensive and start fighting about it, or get defensive and shut down or walk away? 00:19:24.799 --> 00:19:27.279 How can they start that conversation? 00:19:27.440 --> 00:19:34.319 And just sharing from my own experience, my mother was a really difficult person to love. 00:19:34.480 --> 00:19:43.759 She was kind of one of those cups with a crack in the bottom, and all the love you poured into it just ran out of it very slowly. 00:19:44.079 --> 00:19:49.519 And, you know, she created a lot of tension in our household. 00:19:49.839 --> 00:19:54.480 But my three of my four siblings are on the spectrum. 00:19:54.720 --> 00:20:09.599 And so there was a lot of dysfunction because there was this uh need for from my parents to have them act a certain way that they probably were not capable of doing because of their challenges. 00:20:10.000 --> 00:20:15.839 So we had a lot of dysfunction in the family, but we could never ever ever talk about it, even when we were adults. 00:20:16.079 --> 00:20:22.319 I never did figure out how to talk with my parents about our family dysfunction before they passed away. 00:20:22.880 --> 00:20:28.880 What can listeners do to open up that conversation with their parents? 00:20:29.359 --> 00:20:38.960 So if you have a parent that's hard to talk to or they're like defensive, the first thing I would think about is like maybe going to family therapy. 00:20:39.200 --> 00:21:15.359 I think overall, having someone, if it's maybe another family member that has a mutual relationship with both parties, with you and the parent who can be present to kind of mediate the situation, I think that would be a more that would be better and it will be more of a, I think it'll be a healthier outcome because when you have those, I think even as a grown-up and you have a parent who's like made you feel away as a child and you still don't have a healthy relationship, you still turn into that little child, like as an adult around them. 00:21:15.599 --> 00:21:21.440 Like however they made you feel as a child, whether they talk down or you know, they made you feel like nothing. 00:21:21.680 --> 00:21:29.119 So I think having that other person there to kind of like keep things like, okay, well, you be quiet and you listen to what they gotta say. 00:21:29.200 --> 00:21:32.559 And now, you know, just to make it a respectful environment. 00:21:32.799 --> 00:21:51.119 Because I think no matter what, those toxic parents, they don't care how old you are, they're gonna disrespect you, they're gonna talk over you because I'm your parent and what I say go, and you're gonna listen to me, and I don't have to listen to you because you're my child and I bought you in this world, and it's just it's a toxic mindset. 00:21:51.359 --> 00:21:56.720 So definitely just having somebody there to kind of help with the conversation. 00:21:56.960 --> 00:21:59.759 Or there's some scripts or phrases or even mindset. 00:22:00.559 --> 00:22:05.519 That people can use when they're talking with their siblings, parents, extended family. 00:22:06.079 --> 00:22:17.680 For example, if I wanted to ask my aunt, for example, if she would accompany me to talk with my parents

about the dysfunction in our relationship. 00:22:17.920 --> 00:22:22.480 If I said it that way, my aunt lids probably would have been like, You want me to what? 00:22:23.440 --> 00:22:23.920 Right? 00:22:24.160 --> 00:22:32.079 So, how can we get another family member to come help advocate and mediate for us? 00:22:32.559 --> 00:22:35.519 I would say be as honest as you can with that person. 00:22:35.759 --> 00:22:40.640 Maybe just saying, Hey, can you come along with me while I have a conversation? 00:22:40.799 --> 00:22:46.400 I feel like it would have to be somebody that you can go to and be like, look, you know the type of relationship I have with mom. 00:22:46.640 --> 00:22:49.440 Can you just be there with me while I have this conversation? 00:22:49.680 --> 00:22:59.519 Maybe not going to the person who you're not even comfortable to say that you have, you know, find a trusted person that you can actually have that conversation with. 00:22:59.839 --> 00:23:16.480 Or given if that parent wants a relationship with you and you know there's some conversations that need to be had, if you don't have a person in the family that can come and be the mediator, tell them, hey, open to having a relationship with you if you go to family therapy with me. 00:23:16.640 --> 00:23:21.200 Like we have to go to therapy in order for us to get back on the right track, you know. 00:23:21.359 --> 00:23:23.279 So maybe you don't have that family member. 00:23:23.440 --> 00:23:24.720 Bring in a professional. 00:23:25.119 --> 00:23:27.440 That sounds like a really healthy boundary. 00:23:27.519 --> 00:23:30.000 So let's talk about boundaries for a second. 00:23:30.160 --> 00:23:35.599 Let's say you've been to therapy, you've established re-established your relationship. 00:23:35.759 --> 00:23:39.839 How do you set some healthy boundaries with your family after that? 00:23:41.440 --> 00:23:42.480 Telling them no. 00:23:43.519 --> 00:23:50.400 I think I think once you once you set those boundaries, or or we'll say pre-boundaries. 00:23:50.640 --> 00:23:54.000 I feel like when you don't have any boundaries, you just you're a yes man. 00:23:54.160 --> 00:23:54.960 You just whatever. 00:23:55.039 --> 00:24:00.400 You you spread thin, you don't care, you're doing everything for everybody, you don't know how to say no. 00:24:00.559 --> 00:24:03.359 You're just, yeah, sure, yep, I'll do it. 00:24:03.519 --> 00:24:03.920 Yep. 00:24:04.160 --> 00:24:06.000 Telling the people no. 00:24:06.960 --> 00:24:10.880 So be real with yourself, be realistic. 00:24:11.039 --> 00:24:17.200 If it's something that you one don't want to do, you don't feel comfortable doing, or you just don't have the time. 00:24:17.359 --> 00:24:19.039 It's okay to tell people no. 00:24:19.200 --> 00:24:24.559 Again, don't let people make you feel like you're obligated to do something because of who they are. 00:24:24.799 --> 00:24:34.240 Like, family is very, very good at making you feel like, oh, you're gonna do this because you my cousin, or you're gonna do this because you're my sister, like you owe me this. 00:24:34.400 --> 00:24:36.559 Like, parents will make you feel like you owe them. 00:24:36.640 --> 00:24:38.640 Like, what I owe you at? 00:24:38.720 --> 00:24:40.079 I don't owe you anything. 00:24:40.400 --> 00:24:43.039 So master telling people no. 00:24:43.279 --> 00:25:21.039 So, what questions can someone ask themselves before becoming estranged from a loved one to just kind of make sure that your decision to have no contact with a family member is genuine and not like something that you're doing because you saw someone on social media post about not having contact with a parent, or because some talking head on the television told you that maybe you shouldn't have contact with a parent if they don't believe what you believe or support what you support or vote the way you voted or whatever. 00:25:22.240 --> 00:25:30.799 What kinds of questions can we ask ourselves to make sure we're doing that self-check before we decide to cut a family member off? 00:25:31.039 --> 00:25:33.599 So I'm real big on writing a journal. 00:25:33.680 --> 00:25:37.440 I have manifestation journals, I probably have like five different journals. 00:25:37.599 --> 00:25:50.480 In this situation, what I would do is write down like a pros and cons list and kind of go through and seeing like what are the pros to having this person in my life versus what the cons are. 00:25:50.720 --> 00:25:58.000 If it's something that you can fix, it may just be a simple conversation you could have to say, hey, I don't like when you do X, Y, and Z. 00:25:58.400 --> 00:26:00.160 And sometimes you just gotta tell people that. 00:26:00.240 --> 00:26:18.640 Now, if you continue to have to keep going back and telling a person, hey, you did this and I asked you not to, that's one of those relationships you gotta kind of step back and reevaluate and just see, like, is it is this really worth like putting the stress and the strain and the is it really worth it? 00:26:18.960 --> 00:26:21.279 And only you can answer that. 00:26:21.519 --> 00:26:23.519 Why 25 years ago? 00:26:23.599 --> 00:26:31.839 You remember when I gave you two dollars in the back of the no, like no, no, and no is a complete sentence. 00:26:33.039 --> 00:26:36.880 Absolutely, and maintaining those boundaries are so so important. 00:26:37.359 --> 00:26:45.039 So we've taken the listeners through giving them the confidence to make the decision to have those tough conversations. 00:26:45.359 --> 00:26:52.240 You've had the tough conversations, you've either gone through therapy or you've just decided to have no contact. 00:26:52.640 --> 00:26:57.279 How does someone start to heal from their dysfunctional childhood? 00:26:57.920 --> 00:26:59.359 Being honest with ourselves. 00:26:59.599 --> 00:27:05.759 So for me, I had to sit down and figure out like what is my role in this dysfunction? 00:27:06.400 --> 00:27:10.400 Because

let's be honest, we can all blame the other person. 00:27:10.640 --> 00:27:13.599 Like, I can give you a laundry list of how you got me messed up. 00:27:13.759 --> 00:27:19.920 Like, I can tell you all about you and what you did wrong, how you got me messed up, what you said, and I didn't like it. 00:27:20.559 --> 00:27:27.119 But true healing is when you're honest with yourself and you can say where you went wrong. 00:27:27.519 --> 00:27:30.160 How you may have made this person feel. 00:27:30.240 --> 00:27:35.599 Like, what what is it about you that attracted this type of person? 00:27:35.920 --> 00:27:38.880 Or why do you keep going back and dealing with this? 00:27:39.119 --> 00:27:53.599 Or you know, so you got you have to look in the mirror and really evaluate what it excuse me, what it is about you that that needs to heal, what you need to get away from. 00:27:53.759 --> 00:27:59.279 And it's it's only it's about you is not about nobody else, it's only about you. 00:27:59.519 --> 00:28:32.319 So recently in what I like to call uh virtual coffee in the cabin, because I actually live in a cabin in the woods, and one of the questions that came up recently was how do you forgive a parent that was had a parenting style that felt very brutal and violent to you as a child, but you still have a lot of emotional feelings and uh baggage around that experience well into adulthood. 00:28:33.039 --> 00:28:37.839 What does forgiveness look like when someone has hurt you so severely? 00:28:38.480 --> 00:28:50.240 So when it comes to forgiveness, it's it's about like truly being okay with what happened, like within yourself. 00:28:50.400 --> 00:28:55.440 Like I'm making up my mind to be like, okay, you did this, I'm okay, like I forgive you. 00:28:55.599 --> 00:28:59.680 Like true forgiveness, true forgiveness starts with you first. 00:28:59.759 --> 00:29:01.839 So you gotta forgive yourself first. 00:29:02.160 --> 00:29:07.519 Because a lot of times, like it it circles back, and and we be upset with ourselves. 00:29:07.599 --> 00:29:08.799 That's why I said have grace. 00:29:08.880 --> 00:29:10.480 Like, you gotta have grace with you. 00:29:10.720 --> 00:29:21.359 And then once you forgive yourself for allowing whatever to happen, because somehow we we decide to blame ourselves, then just deciding that you know, whatever happened, it happened for a reason. 00:29:21.599 --> 00:29:22.960 What did you learn from it? 00:29:23.119 --> 00:29:24.319 What are you taking away? 00:29:24.400 --> 00:29:31.440 And just remember you don't have to like go back and be have this grand relationship with the parent after that. 00:29:31.599 --> 00:29:32.720 Just forgive them. 00:29:32.799 --> 00:29:36.160 And forgiveness is for you, it's so that you can move on. 00:29:36.319 --> 00:29:38.880 This person's not living rent-free in your head. 00:29:39.119 --> 00:29:42.079 You can free up some space in your heart. 00:29:42.240 --> 00:29:46.400 It's like holding on to unforgiveness is not good for your nervous system. 00:29:46.480 --> 00:29:48.160 It's actually not a healthy thing. 00:29:48.400 --> 00:29:52.400 So when it comes to forgiveness, just remember it's for you, it's not for the person. 00:29:52.559 --> 00:29:55.359 They may never apologize for what they did. 00:29:55.440 --> 00:29:57.440 And I think that's where a lot of us get stuck. 00:29:57.519 --> 00:30:01.039 Well, they never said they're sorry, they never acknowledged what they did for me. 00:30:01.279 --> 00:30:03.440 So now I'm gonna hold on to it forever. 00:30:03.599 --> 00:30:04.240 Nope. 00:30:04.480 --> 00:30:05.440 Forget about it. 00:30:05.599 --> 00:30:06.400 It happened. 00:30:06.559 --> 00:30:07.680 What did you learn from it? 00:30:07.759 --> 00:30:08.799 What are you taking away? 00:30:08.880 --> 00:30:15.599 And how are you going to not repeat the cycle in your life moving forward with your own children? 00:30:15.920 --> 00:30:26.799 So, listeners, if you're struggling with forgiving the unforgettable, forgivable, make sure you catch episode number 32, the healing power of forgiveness. 00:30:26.960 --> 00:30:42.079 You can find a link to it in the show description where forgiveness expert Katherine Giovanni walks you through step-by-step how to forgive the small hurts, the big hurts, the ones that seem like they are crushing your soul. 00:30:42.240 --> 00:30:46.319 She walks you through how to do it, and you can download a step-by-step plan. 00:30:46.559 --> 00:30:59.200 You can get that step-by-step plan when you sign up for our newsletter at nnbl.blog, and you'll have access to all of our downloadable tips from all of our takeaways, like Deborah, here today. 00:30:59.519 --> 00:31:15.200 So, Deborah, how important is professional support like therapy and coaching, or even support groups and healing from a dysfunctional family and even a dysfunctional adult relationship like a marriage that went terribly wrong? 00:31:15.519 --> 00:31:17.200 I feel like it's very important. 00:31:17.759 --> 00:31:24.799 Going through therapy took me through a journey of seeing things in a way that I've never viewed them. 00:31:25.359 --> 00:31:31.279 Doing certain projects and little assignments that I would have never done on my own. 00:31:31.599 --> 00:31:36.720 My whole journaling journey has been from therapy. 00:31:36.960 --> 00:31:42.319 Writing down my feelings and being able to like go back like a year ago and read. 00:31:42.400 --> 00:31:45.759 And I was like, girl, you was feeling like that. 00:31:46.000 --> 00:31:48.240 You let somebody let you feel like that. 00:31:48.480 --> 00:31:52.559 And so it it helps me with seeing my growth process. 00:31:52.720 --> 00:31:58.880 And I would have never thought to journal or write any of my feelings or emotions down had it not been for therapy. 00:31:59.039 --> 00:32:10.400 And I feel like just having that unbiased opinion, even with like, I've never been married, but I'm pretty sure being in

like couples therapy and being able to have like that mediator that I talked about earlier. 00:32:10.559 --> 00:32:13.839 Like, okay, how did this make you feel when this happened? 00:32:14.000 --> 00:32:20.720 And just being able to have somebody there who can professionally make sense of things. 00:32:21.119 --> 00:32:22.880 I a hundred percent agree with that. 00:32:23.039 --> 00:32:34.720 I've spent many years in therapy, and I can tell you that it was one of the reasons I couldn't before going to therapy, it was one of the reasons I would only sleep four hours at night. 00:32:34.880 --> 00:32:45.680 I was in my head processing life and the things that happened to me as a child and as an adult while I was supposed to be sleeping. 00:32:45.759 --> 00:32:48.240 And then after therapy, now I sleep like a rock. 00:32:48.480 --> 00:32:51.359 So it can be really beneficial. 00:32:51.759 --> 00:32:55.359 Yes, and see, I and I think a lot of people have it mistaken. 00:32:55.519 --> 00:32:59.519 They think that you sign up for therapy and boom, you got a therapist, and it's just it. 00:32:59.759 --> 00:33:04.720 If you get a therapist and you don't like them, dump them and go get you a new therapist. 00:33:04.880 --> 00:33:11.200 Like you should have a relationship with your therapist where you just like you just having a conversation. 00:33:11.359 --> 00:33:17.359 Like it's just it shouldn't be this tense talking to this professional and they're gonna judge me. 00:33:17.519 --> 00:33:22.559 No, you should really be able to put your guard down and just open up and just be free. 00:33:22.720 --> 00:33:26.400 And if you can't do that, you probably just have the wrong therapist. 00:33:26.640 --> 00:33:29.279 Oh, thank you so much for that advice, Deborah. 00:33:29.440 --> 00:33:31.680 This has been so insightful. 00:33:32.240 --> 00:33:34.720 What more do you want to leave our listeners with today? 00:33:36.160 --> 00:33:44.079 Um I just want to leave you all with this the healing journey and going through healing, it's uh it's an ugly battle. 00:33:44.240 --> 00:34:03.519 I like to think of it as a scar that gets a scab over it, and then you pick at it, and then it gets all ugly and bleeding again, and then it gets a scab again, and then you just it's something that you just have to take time with, you have to have grace with yourself, and you have to be honest. 00:34:03.920 --> 00:34:06.960 Honesty is key in the healing journey. 00:34:07.119 --> 00:34:08.079 It's it's key. 00:34:08.239 --> 00:34:16.480 Like you have to be, you have to pick out what you've done, where you went wrong, and how you can fix you. 00:34:16.880 --> 00:34:26.639 Don't try to fix somebody else because one thing you're gonna find out is you will wear yourself out trying to fix other people and make them see from how you see it and all of that. 00:34:26.719 --> 00:34:33.440 So, so just work on you, have a grace with yourself, love on yourself, do things for you. 00:34:33.599 -->

00:34:45.679 I like to take myself out on dates, I do self-care dates, whatever that looks like, a massage, go eat my favorite food, whatever it looks like, pull back from work, from family, and just do some things for yourself. 00:34:45.920 --> 00:34:46.719 It's beautiful. 00:34:46.880 --> 00:34:50.159 Where can listeners connect with you and your work, Deborah? 00:34:50.480 --> 00:34:52.400 Yes, so I have a website. 00:34:52.559 --> 00:34:54.960 It is thehelenversion.com. 00:34:55.119 --> 00:35:02.800 Um, you can get to all of the links to listen to the podcast, the podcast on Apple Music, Amazon, Spotify. 00:35:02.960 --> 00:35:07.039 Um, but if you go to the website, thehellenversion.com, it'll connect you to everything. 00:35:07.199 --> 00:35:17.519 We are on the radio every Saturday and Sunday in Atlanta, Georgia on WDFJY Radio 99.1 FM, YouTube, all of those things. 00:35:17.599 --> 00:35:21.840 I also have articles coming out in Brain magazines that are very interesting. 00:35:22.079 --> 00:35:24.239 So check me out on Brains magazine. 00:35:24.320 --> 00:35:29.760 I have one article so far and an exclusive interview, and I do have a school community as well. 00:35:29.840 --> 00:35:32.960 So it's the Hill and Virgin tribe on the school community. 00:35:33.440 --> 00:35:36.800 Oh, I love it! Congratulations on your feature article. 00:35:37.920 --> 00:35:38.400 Thank you. 00:35:38.559 --> 00:35:40.079 And one last thing. 00:35:40.400 --> 00:35:45.519 This is something that I'm sharing with you guys first because I haven't even shared it with my audience. 00:35:45.840 --> 00:35:51.760 But I will be on Tubi and Fire TV having episodes there as well. 00:35:51.920 --> 00:35:54.159 So look out for us on there as well. 00:35:54.559 --> 00:35:55.599 Congratulations. 00:35:56.000 --> 00:35:56.320 Thank you. 00:35:56.559 --> 00:35:59.280 Thank you so much for allowing me to come on your platform. 00:35:59.760 --> 00:36:02.320 It's been wonderful talking with you and getting to know you. 00:36:02.400 --> 00:36:03.519 Thank you for the work you're doing. 00:36:04.079 --> 00:36:10.880 Magnesium, an unsung hero, fuels over 300 bodily reactions from heart health to stress relief. 00:36:11.360 --> 00:36:20.079 Magnesium expert Natalie Girado, founder of Rooted In, found freedom from 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