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I've Got Three Buttcheeks

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WEBVTT 00:00:15.242 --> 00:00:20.382 Hello, I'm Don Finnelli. Welcome to the season one finale of Mudderfly. 00:00:20.382 --> 00:00:23.672 We got three pairs of improvisers. They're all improvising a short scene starting 00:00:23.672 --> 00:00:27.552 with the exact same two lines that I am secretly messaging them right before 00:00:27.552 --> 00:00:30.608 we start recording. There's no pre-planning. They don't know each other's lines. 00:00:30.870 --> 00:00:33.488 They're hearing them for the first time when you are hearing them. 00:00:33.789 --> 00:00:37.382 And we made it 29 episodes this season. 00:00:37.382 --> 00:00:42.741 This is like old school sitcom level of episodes in a seat you remember sitcoms 00:00:43.072 --> 00:00:48.394 you remember those remember there were like 20 plus episodes a season fun times uh 00:00:48.742 --> 00:00:53.439 but yeah i need to take a break from recording i just moved i'm starting grad school in a few weeks 00:00:53.788 --> 00:00:58.842 i need to concentrate on some new ventures and uh but you know i love doing 00:00:58.842 --> 00:01:00.642 this and you bet your ass i'm gonna record 00:01:01.062 --> 00:01:05.421 a second season at some point i don't as soon as I can, okay? 00:01:06.125 --> 00:01:10.115 But if you like the pod, you want to hear more episodes or you want to request 00:01:10.115 --> 00:01:15.464 guests or just have any feedback or ideas, just hit me up at mutterflythepod at gmail.com. 00:01:15.852 --> 00:01:21.710 And also rate and review the show. That helps me know that folks are actually listening to this shit. 00:01:21.983 --> 00:01:27.989 All right, let's get on to the episode. First up, you heard them back in episode 22. 00:01:28.256 --> 00:01:31.692 It's the award winners. It's Lauren Lapkus and Jeff Hiller. 00:01:31.977 --> 00:01:37.075 Lapkus, you know, been doing the improvs forever, long time out of UCB with 00:01:37.075 --> 00:01:42.008 her grooves Bangorang. She did Ask, had a bunch there. She had an indie team, Wild Horses. 00:01:42.645 --> 00:01:46.949 She's been crushing it in movies like The Wrong Missy, Jurassic World, 00:01:47.175 --> 00:01:49.403 Holmes and Watson, Between Two Ferns. 00:01:50.005 --> 00:01:54.367 starred in many a show like Orange is the New Black, Big Bang Theory, 00:01:54.617 --> 00:01:58.625 The Characters on Netflix, Crashing, History of the World Part II, 00:01:58.625 --> 00:02:01.615 Night Court, The Morning Show, and many others. 00:02:01.615 --> 00:02:06.261 And now she is starring in the Big Bang spinoff, Stewart Fails to Save the Universe, 00:02:06.535 --> 00:02:08.461 and that's on HBO Max right now. 00:02:08.787 --> 00:02:11.585 Jeff Hiller, longtime UCB performer as well. 00:02:12.365 --> 00:02:16.505 We had the pleasure of doing a TV show together for two seasons called nightcap 00:02:16.505 --> 00:02:18.932 i'm not sure who watched it but that's okay uh, 00:02:19.425 --> 00:02:24.415 he went on and won an emmy for his role as joel on somebody somewhere uh he's 00:02:24.415 --> 00:02:28.205 also been in shows like pluribus ghost american horror story unbreakable kimmy 00:02:28.205 --> 00:02:33.543 schmidt broad city difficult people playing house crazy ex-girlfriend bored to death 30 rock 00:02:33.874 --> 00:02:38.385 the list goes on uh he just wrapped up uh starring in widow's bay please check 00:02:38.385 --> 00:02:42.361 that out if you haven't already uh that show is just fucking wonderful. 00:02:42.558 --> 00:02:45.937 All right, let's get to our first mutter with Lapkus and Hiller. 00:02:46.425 --> 00:02:47.080 Let's go. 00:02:49.971 --> 00:02:53.454 Just need to tighten some bolts and I'll be on my way. 00:02:54.421 --> 00:02:55.846 I have three butt cheeks. 00:02:57.436 --> 00:02:59.584 Oh, all right. 00:03:00.919 --> 00:03:02.992 Well, one of them's my nutsack from behind. 00:03:04.037 --> 00:03:08.671 Oh, boy. You know, I always thought this would happen as a plumber, 00:03:08.671 --> 00:03:10.126 you know, like a porn thing. 00:03:11.304 --> 00:03:16.581 But it's never happened. 42 years in the business, it's never happened until just this one time. 00:03:16.918 --> 00:03:17.539 You want to see? 00:03:19.543 --> 00:03:25.062 Yeah, I do. I can't believe I'm saying yes to this, but that's just what life sometimes is like. 00:03:25.509 --> 00:03:30.513 Okay, so you got to use your imagination a little bit. But when I push it back 00:03:30.722 --> 00:03:34.315 and then you can see from that way that it and then I have three butt cheeks. 00:03:37.473 --> 00:03:45.516 Oh, I thought they would be like parallel to each other, but it's sort of in a heart shape. Mm-hmm. 00:03:45.516 --> 00:03:45.556 Mm-hmm. 00:03:47.690 --> 00:03:51.865 You know you think about three in a row and you think about that lady from total 00:03:51.865 --> 00:03:53.265 recall with the three titties 00:03:54.085 --> 00:03:55.103 I think about her a lot 00:03:55.399 --> 00:04:01.905 Yeah oh okay well you think that'd be sexy but um they don't even see it it's 00:04:01.905 --> 00:04:07.676 just sort of disturbing i mean i'm not trying to shame you or nothing 00:04:07.914 --> 00:04:09.110 Yeah sound good 00:04:09.935 --> 00:04:14.074 Oh good all right well let me just tighten these bolts and then we can 00:04:14.799 --> 00:04:20.384 either I can go or you can I don't know keep this sort of seduction thing happening 00:04:20.935 --> 00:04:24.905 I don't know I wasn't exactly sure what you're into this for I don't know if 00:04:24.905 --> 00:04:27.673 you're hitting on me or you're just like wanting to be informative 00:04:27.917 --> 00:04:31.882 I just wanted to show you I just wanted to show you what I got but I'm but I'm a single 00:04:33.699 --> 00:04:34.905 Oh oh I'm me too 00:04:35.325 --> 00:04:36.398 I'm single as Pringle 00:04:39.065 --> 00:04:40.055 I'm single but I don't 00:04:40.311 --> 00:04:41.327 It doesn't really make any sense 00:04:42.900 --> 00:04:47.735 Yeah Pringles are sort of notoriously uh
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they fit together well enough very 00:04:47.735 --> 00:04:51.775 well they come in that container where they're you don't there's really no other 00:04:51.775 --> 00:04:56.501 chip that comes you know like holding its other chip companions 00:04:58.051 --> 00:05:02.875 but i guess you could have a single pringle that is true but i'm i want to make 00:05:02.875 --> 00:05:07.045 you feel good about yourself but everything you're saying is so hard to do that 00:05:09.545 --> 00:05:11.147 How do you learn how to fix toilets 00:05:13.451 --> 00:05:18.409 Well, I was an apprentice. Sorry, it's not a very good story. 00:05:18.409 --> 00:05:19.517 Like Fantasia? 00:05:21.623 --> 00:05:26.122 No, she was American Idol. The Apprentice is a different show. 00:05:27.805 --> 00:05:32.079 Oh, oh, right. The Disney cartoon, right? Right. 00:05:36.499 --> 00:05:39.357 No, I was talking about Fantasia. I thought she was on The Apprentice. 00:05:41.226 --> 00:05:43.310 No, no, she was on American Idol. 00:05:44.699 --> 00:05:45.806 She could have been an apprentice 00:05:47.579 --> 00:05:51.639 I guess I guess she still could I don't know I guess they don't really do that 00:05:51.639 --> 00:05:57.469 show anymore because um he's busy yeah exactly 00:05:59.541 --> 00:06:01.919 um I flushed a lot of poopies 00:06:02.219 --> 00:06:05.485 And that's why I have my big toilet cut and I stopped working 00:06:08.150 --> 00:06:11.969 Well you know I guess you're gonna flush a lot of poopies when you got three 00:06:11.969 --> 00:06:14.489 butt cheeks am I right Although it's not the cheek that makes the poop, 00:06:14.489 --> 00:06:17.809 is it? It's really the hole. And you just have the one hole. Is that correct? 00:06:17.981 --> 00:06:18.899 I got two holes. 00:06:18.899 --> 00:06:22.526 It's funny because the hole. What? You do? 00:06:23.438 --> 00:06:25.939 Yep. One's on my face. 00:06:26.019 --> 00:06:26.639 Wait, where's the second one? 00:06:26.719 --> 00:06:27.432 And one's on my butt. 00:06:29.463 --> 00:06:31.733 You mean like your mouth? Like you shit out of your mouth? 00:06:32.250 --> 00:06:34.177 No, I just have another hole. 00:06:35.971 --> 00:06:38.459 Oh, well, everybody's got a hole in their head. That's the mouth. 00:06:38.459 --> 00:06:41.459 That's a thing that everybody has that. Well, I guess there's probably somebody 00:06:41.459 --> 00:06:42.792 that doesn't. Poor things. 00:06:44.951 --> 00:06:47.192 You're just talking about mouth, right? Are you talking about mouth? 00:06:47.656 --> 00:06:48.393 Yeah, I have my mouth. 00:06:50.959 --> 00:06:53.037 Okay, don't go around telling people you got... 00:06:53.560 --> 00:06:55.272 What happens when I've been doing upper deckers? 00:06:58.182 --> 00:07:03.782 I don't know what that is. I think an upper decker means you crap in the tank 00:07:03.782 --> 00:07:06.471 of the toilet instead of in the bowl. Is that right? 00:07:06.912 --> 00:07:07.818 Might want to check that out. 00:07:09.577 --> 00:07:15.142 Oh, is that why your toilet's broken? Here I am going into the actual shaft 00:07:15.142 --> 00:07:17.232 and it's just you took a shit up here. 00:07:19.020 --> 00:07:20.466 Oh, you did. 00:07:20.849 --> 00:07:21.392 Sorry. 00:07:21.392 --> 00:07:25.012 Well, I can't clean that up. I'm not cleaning that up. That's not what a plumber's 00:07:25.012 --> 00:07:29.372 duty is. Plumber's duty. I said duty. I know, I knew you were going 00:07:31.812 --> 00:07:32.708 to say that. 00:07:35.512 --> 00:07:38.136 You don't have to clean that part. I just wanted you to see it. 00:07:40.592 --> 00:07:44.412 You know what? This is a weird reaction, but I just feel really grateful. 00:07:44.412 --> 00:07:46.130 So thank you for not making me clean that. 00:07:47.238 --> 00:07:50.861 I mean, it's weird that you made me want to watch it, but I also, 00:07:51.313 --> 00:07:55.708 listen, I said I've been in the business for 42 years. I'm counting my apprenticeship, 00:07:56.114 --> 00:07:57.287 which was actually three years. 00:07:59.208 --> 00:08:01.704 And I just want to tell you that I've never once... 00:08:03.439 --> 00:08:07.209 been propositioned. I've never seen anybody's asshole before or any butt cheeks, 00:08:07.209 --> 00:08:13.449 much less three of them. And so I just want to say thank you because I'm going 00:08:13.449 --> 00:08:17.149 to be retiring soon. And I wanted to have one of these stories. 00:08:17.149 --> 00:08:19.569 So yeah, you still got it. 00:08:21.787 --> 00:08:28.349 Right on. Thank you. And hey, if you want to call your mouth a face asshole, good for you. 00:08:28.809 --> 00:08:31.046 I want to be positive about all those sorts of things. So good, 00:08:31.313 --> 00:08:33.264 good, good job. Thank you. Oh. 00:08:35.075 --> 00:08:36.178 Do you want a snap? I don't want... 00:08:36.642 --> 00:08:39.249 Oh, I really don't. No, I don't. 00:08:42.329 --> 00:08:46.119 Thanks, Lauren. Thanks, Jeff. Next up, the improv legends are back. 00:08:46.119 --> 00:08:49.791 You heard them in episode 26. It's Ben Rogers and Craig Kikowski. 00:08:50.116 --> 00:08:54.119 Ben Rogers, longtime UCB performer on one of the best Herald teams of all time, 00:08:54.119 --> 00:08:58.069 1985, one of the best weekend teams of all time, Reuben Williams. 00:08:58.330 --> 00:09:01.685 And now he's rocking out with the Action Boys podcast. 00:09:01.923 --> 00:09:05.619 he's lent his voice to all sorts of shows over the years most recently widows 00:09:05.619 --> 00:09:10.277 bay uh kevin strip law and star trek lower decks, 00:09:10.849 --> 00:09:16.986 i i told an insane story uh last episode with ben um about us doing this like crazy 00:09:17.392 --> 00:09:22.384 bat shit improvised horror film together in an old abandoned asbestos filled 00:09:22.512 --> 00:09:27.063 insane asylum go have a listen to that if you want the full story uh craig kakowski, 00:09:27.689 --> 00:09:29.129 Chicago improv legend, 00:09:29.949 --> 00:09:34.459 IO, Second
City, studied under Dale Close, created and directed forms like JTS 00:09:34.459 --> 00:09:38.109 Brown and Close Quarters, taught at the IO West for a long time in LA, 00:09:38.109 --> 00:09:39.805 teacher of the year multiple times. 00:09:40.409 --> 00:09:44.869 You've seen him on The Pit, Veep, Community, Curb Your Enthusiasm, 00:09:44.869 --> 00:09:48.399 Arrested Development, The Sex Lives of College Girls, History of the World Part 00:09:48.399 --> 00:09:52.658 II, Bajillion Dollar Properties, Drunk History, and many more. 00:09:53.309 --> 00:09:57.795 All right, let's get to our second mutter with Ben Rodgers and Craig Kakowski. 00:10:01.795 --> 00:10:07.321 Yeah, just need to tighten some bolts, and I'll be on my way. 00:10:10.154 --> 00:10:12.393 Hey, I got three butt cheeks. 00:10:16.579 --> 00:10:17.402 Okay, Justin. 00:10:19.725 --> 00:10:21.368 This is not the time to joke around. 00:10:22.987 --> 00:10:23.672 It's no joke. 00:10:24.316 --> 00:10:24.891 It's no joke. 00:10:26.523 --> 00:10:27.980 You do not have three butt cheeks. 00:10:29.059 --> 00:10:29.321 Yeah. 00:10:30.302 --> 00:10:35.062 Yeah, I've got... all the crazy stuff in the world do you think no man can have 00:10:35.062 --> 00:10:39.042 three butt cheeks yeah i i mean i'm proud of it and that's why i'm proud of 00:10:39.042 --> 00:10:41.822 your time take your time i got three butt cheeks 00:10:43.922 --> 00:10:44.282 it's it's 00:10:44.282 --> 00:10:50.044 I i don't see how that's germane to it it's not even germane to the conversation we were having 00:10:50.503 --> 00:10:58.433 Yeah it's germane i'm i'm cozy i'm cozy as a little puppy here on my three butt cheeks i've 00:10:59.437 --> 00:11:04.042 i'm proud of my body and if anything i think it's a benefit i think a lot of 00:11:04.042 --> 00:11:07.882 people would trade with me if they were able to sit down like i sit down take 00:11:07.882 --> 00:11:10.348 your sweet ass time man take your time 00:11:13.320 --> 00:11:16.733 Uh so you're saying it's more comfortable to sit because you have more cushioning 00:11:17.314 --> 00:11:23.908 That's right yeah i've just got more i've got more back there i've got a full 00:11:24.222 --> 00:11:29.435 i've got a whole extra muscle and a pad of fat 00:11:31.438 --> 00:11:33.916 Can i ask something and this might be personal 00:11:34.450 --> 00:11:40.865 No i'm open book again i'm trying to normalize all this stuff i can't be the only one 00:11:44.121 --> 00:11:45.811 Do you have two assholes 00:11:49.897 --> 00:11:50.310 What? 00:11:50.786 --> 00:11:52.864 No, of course not. I've got one asshole. 00:11:53.502 --> 00:11:56.324 Okay, but... I'm not like a circus geek. 00:11:56.741 --> 00:11:58.048 I've got one asshole. 00:12:00.718 --> 00:12:02.001 So you've got a butt cheek? 00:12:02.361 --> 00:12:06.099 Well, right now I've got two assholes. One on the phone and one on my asshole. 00:12:06.569 --> 00:12:10.005 Okay, Justin. I'm trying to engage with you in a serious way. 00:12:11.636 --> 00:12:16.901 You've got one butt cheek, an asshole, a butt cheek on the other side of the 00:12:16.901 --> 00:12:19.798 asshole, and then another butt cheek on the other side of the butt cheek 00:12:20.779 --> 00:12:21.365 That's right 00:12:22.184 --> 00:12:23.671 Okay well above well. 00:12:23.671 --> 00:12:24.546 No it's above 00:12:25.893 --> 00:12:31.239 It's above so it's like stonehenge 00:12:32.151 --> 00:12:33.416 Or the or pie. 00:12:35.477 --> 00:12:36.888 Yeah i'm trying to picture it 00:12:37.480 --> 00:12:42.832 No too too um to really it is 00:12:43.841 --> 00:12:47.451 that's pretty deep actually when i think about a stonehenge or a pie kind of 00:12:47.451 --> 00:12:52.661 things that will blow your mind uh and and are ancient mysteries so yeah it's 00:12:53.281 --> 00:12:56.584 uh i've got two i've got the kind of two primary 00:12:57.426 --> 00:12:58.931 uh the two a glute 00:12:58.931 --> 00:13:02.641 And a glute and another glute resting on top of those glutes 00:13:03.501 --> 00:13:04.020 On top 00:13:08.257 --> 00:13:13.151 Okay, well, like I said, I just got to tighten some bolts, and I'm going to be right there. 00:13:14.155 --> 00:13:17.180 Yeah. Hey, you could have tightened the bolts already. 00:13:18.726 --> 00:13:20.860 Throw on a headset. Tighten the bolt right now. 00:13:23.426 --> 00:13:26.532 I got sucked into your universe. 00:13:28.446 --> 00:13:31.506 I know you hate hearing about this, but I got nobody else to talk about. 00:13:31.924 --> 00:13:38.846 I just had the best date. it was like the uh kind of i feel weird telling you 00:13:38.846 --> 00:13:45.740 about this i know you're still like getting over nancy's death or whatever but like i am back 00:13:46.164 --> 00:13:51.046 I mean it was it was two it was two weeks ago yeah yeah i'm getting over i'm 00:13:51.046 --> 00:13:54.606 i'm still getting over it yes it's it's very raw but no that's good for you 00:13:54.926 --> 00:13:56.366 yeah you made it i'm happy for 00:13:56.366 --> 00:14:01.376 You hell yeah brother uh but yeah i mean this was nuts i I mean, 00:14:01.376 --> 00:14:08.831 this was just kind of dream, kind of corny, kind of cheesy. We went to pot pot. 00:14:11.502 --> 00:14:11.896 Put pot? 00:14:11.896 --> 00:14:17.076 Went to pot pot. Yeah. Now, a thing about my third asshole is third asshole. 00:14:17.076 --> 00:14:19.065 Wait, you just said third asshole. 00:14:19.704 --> 00:14:21.126 Okay. Okay. 00:14:23.251 --> 00:14:23.779 Hi. 00:14:26.002 --> 00:14:26.740 Fuck, man. 00:14:28.423 --> 00:14:32.996 All right. So you weren't lying when you told me you did not have a second asshole. 00:14:32.996 --> 00:14:34.222 You, in fact, have three. 00:14:34.704 --> 00:14:36.927 That's right. I got three assholes. 00:14:38.071 --> 00:14:38.924 Where are they? 00:14:40.695 --> 00:14:41.920 They're between each one. 00:14:45.658 --> 00:14:53.382 So it's a glute, an asshole, a glute, and then another glute resting on top, 00:14:53.382
--> 00:14:56.688 and an asshole in between. Okay. 00:14:57.059 --> 00:15:02.682 Yeah, between each of the glutes and the upper cheek. 00:15:04.035 --> 00:15:07.111 Do you know how long it took me to realize everyone wasn't built this way? 00:15:09.810 --> 00:15:14.687 I mean, you'd think your parents would have seen when you were a child. 00:15:16.282 --> 00:15:21.618 No i mean you know my parents legally blind both of them no that's true i think 00:15:21.804 --> 00:15:26.342 yeah and i think they're they just assumed i squirmed around a lot like it took 00:15:26.342 --> 00:15:31.213 them a long time to realize like those aren't the same cheeks um 00:15:32.582 --> 00:15:35.556 and they were few and you know how they are about homeschooling 00:15:36.119 --> 00:15:42.011 Yeah i mean your parents are also not not smart like let's not blame this on their blindness 00:15:45.256 --> 00:15:46.324 they're not smart people 00:15:49.382 --> 00:15:52.172 I don't understand what you're basing that on okay 00:15:52.172 --> 00:15:53.894 Look i uh i'm just 00:15:53.998 --> 00:15:57.150 They're like not everybody can be the son of professors 00:16:00.295 --> 00:16:01.942 Well community college but still 00:16:01.942 --> 00:16:02.867 Yeah they're not yeah 00:16:04.986 --> 00:16:08.972 Okay i'm just gonna i'm just gonna tighten a couple bolts and uh expect me in about 00:16:08.972 --> 00:16:11.802 10 Sorry, I banged up your toilet. 00:16:15.002 --> 00:16:19.382 It's loose bolts. It's less my anatomy, and it's more the bolts. 00:16:19.382 --> 00:16:21.019 I'm thinking it's your anatomy now. 00:16:23.485 --> 00:16:26.190 You blew out my toilet with your three assholes. 00:16:29.589 --> 00:16:33.569 Thanks, Craig. Thanks, Ben. Last up, you heard them all the way back in episode 00:16:33.569 --> 00:16:36.819 19. And here they are. They're finishing out season one for us. 00:16:36.819 --> 00:16:38.346 It's Rob Hubel and Paul Scheer. 00:16:38.654 --> 00:16:43.292 They're currently rocking out their show, Dark Web, which drops every Monday on YouTube. 00:16:43.541 --> 00:16:47.059 But I don't know, they've got like a thousand acting and writing credits between them. 00:16:47.286 --> 00:16:50.709 I mean, in the UCB world, They're both part of the infamous New York improv 00:16:50.709 --> 00:16:54.983 team, Respecto Multibond. They created the show Human Giant together. 00:16:55.238 --> 00:16:58.749 Paul Scheer, actor, writer, director. We're talking, you know, 00:16:58.749 --> 00:17:03.189 writing and acting on The League and Children's Hospital, NTSF, 00:17:03.889 --> 00:17:05.969 SDSVU, which he also created. 00:17:05.969 --> 00:17:10.239 He was acting in Fresh Off the Boat. Veep, Black Monday, 30 Rock, 00:17:10.239 --> 00:17:15.978 The Good Place, Future Man, Reno 911, Parks and Rec, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Yo Gabba Gabba. 00:17:16.889 --> 00:17:20.279 You know, he's got a podcast. How did this get made? He's been in the movies. 00:17:20.279 --> 00:17:21.365 He's done the voice work. 00:17:22.109 --> 00:17:26.349 The dude works. Rob Hubel, you've seen him in the league. Transparent, 00:17:26.349 --> 00:17:29.639 Curb Your Enthusiasm, Arrested Development, 30 Rock, Reno 911, 00:17:29.639 --> 00:17:36.714 Party Down, The Goldbergs, Night Court, Acted in Rodon, Children's Hospital, and NTSF, SDSVU. 00:17:37.016 --> 00:17:40.249 He's been in movies like The Other Guys, Little Fockers, Despicable Me, 00:17:40.545 --> 00:17:44.409 and The Descendants. We could spend a whole day dropping credits for these dudes, 00:17:44.409 --> 00:17:47.650 but let's get to the funny stuff. It's our final mutter of the season. 00:17:47.947 --> 00:17:49.682 with Rob Hubel and Paul Scheer. 00:17:53.972 --> 00:17:58.121 I'm just going to tighten up some bolts and I'll be on my way. 00:18:03.514 --> 00:18:04.582 Excuse me yeah 00:18:07.433 --> 00:18:16.302 i have i have three butt cheeks i just wanted to say that okay yeah before you 00:18:16.302 --> 00:18:18.416 leave you should know that 00:18:18.555 --> 00:18:19.802 Okay yeah i 00:18:19.802 --> 00:18:25.666 Have three butt cheeks most people obviously when they're born 00:18:26.723 --> 00:18:31.988 you know it's split evenly down the middle with like one butt crack but then 00:18:32.696 --> 00:18:35.285 uh i have an extra one so i have 00:18:35.680 --> 00:18:40.062 But she didn't care she didn't care she didn't care about that she just loved 00:18:40.062 --> 00:18:45.622 you for you you know and uh god damn it this casket oh 00:18:46.682 --> 00:18:50.117 Wait don't lower don't lower her down wait i want to say something else 00:18:53.954 --> 00:18:55.182 before everybody leaves 00:18:59.162 --> 00:19:00.812 everybody everybody everybody sit down 00:19:00.812 --> 00:19:01.542 Listen sit the. 00:19:01.542 --> 00:19:04.221 Fuck down listen up sit the fuck down 00:19:04.355 --> 00:19:08.482 Listen put the chairs back i'll put the chairs back yeah put the chairs please. 00:19:08.651 --> 00:19:10.735 Put the chairs back the funeral's not over 00:19:12.922 --> 00:19:16.331 i want to amend my eulogy for my wife 00:19:20.522 --> 00:19:26.202 she was a great woman as i covered before earlier she raised 00:19:28.423 --> 00:19:36.262 our six kids along with me but what she never knew about me was this extra butt 00:19:36.262 --> 00:19:40.944 cheek situation you don't have to clap you do not have to clap 00:19:41.240 --> 00:19:42.597 I have a question how. 00:19:44.091 --> 00:19:48.096 How i i actually i was thinking that i was how yeah sorry 00:19:48.096 --> 00:19:48.799 If that's rude. 00:19:50.416 --> 00:19:53.632 I wasn't going to take questions but i will 00:19:54.300 --> 00:19:57.416 Because it's you did say you have children so yes i was just thinking like that 00:19:57.416 --> 00:19:58.346 you would have to have had yeah 00:19:58.346 --> 00:20:04.569 It's me one of your sons i dad how'd you not know that kyle yeah. 00:20:05.736 --> 00:20:11.846 Kyle did you know kyle kyle what the kyle no
no no i imagine you i imagine you 00:20:11.846 --> 00:20:13.386 guys went to a water park or something kyle 00:20:13.386 --> 00:20:17.306 You can sit up here in the front row you should be in the back you should be 00:20:17.306 --> 00:20:19.140 here in the front row with the family 00:20:19.987 --> 00:20:26.518 okay the way i kept my secret butt cheek hidden from my wife and my kids was 00:20:27.116 --> 00:20:34.401 i never ever took off my underwear in front of anybody in front of anybody that was just a rule of mine 00:20:34.598 --> 00:20:38.836 I i do i just want to i i just want to just say one thing father 00:20:38.836 --> 00:20:45.716 Look father your main function at a funeral is just to bless the 00:20:45.716 --> 00:20:50.046 Body well i also yeah but i i don't i have to go further now in days with all 00:20:50.046 --> 00:20:53.076 these ghosts and stuff that's i've been tightening these bolts to lock her in 00:20:53.076 --> 00:20:53.996 there i don't want her what'd 00:20:53.996 --> 00:20:54.938 You say about ghosts 00:20:55.547 --> 00:21:00.296 Well i've been so what i've been uh fearing the most is that i haven't been 00:21:00.296 --> 00:21:03.386 uh locking you know i i normally just say a couple words and um and 00:21:03.956 --> 00:21:08.576 i walk off but uh now i'm doing this uh the bolt tightening i'm trying to lock 00:21:08.576 --> 00:21:12.266 them in there for good just in case they they can't get out uh you know just 00:21:12.266 --> 00:21:15.576 zombie vampire whatever whoa whoa whoa look 00:21:16.637 --> 00:21:19.296 Everybody sit back down sit the fuck down 00:21:19.296 --> 00:21:21.516 This is far from over which we are sitting 00:21:21.896 --> 00:21:23.504 Far from over language 00:21:24.978 --> 00:21:26.185 Look, father. 00:21:26.812 --> 00:21:28.844 She's a beautiful woman and I'm so sorry for you. 00:21:29.354 --> 00:21:33.664 Thank you. I don't think there's any chance that my dead wife is going to become a zombie. 00:21:33.664 --> 00:21:35.281 Everybody says it. Everybody says it. 00:21:36.065 --> 00:21:40.465 And everybody's, I assume everybody's right. Have you ever seen anybody not be right? 00:21:40.860 --> 00:21:44.000 All I'm going to say is part of it is because I provide this service. 00:21:44.476 --> 00:21:47.064 Tighten and tighten this. I screw them in. 00:21:47.364 --> 00:21:51.304 You think by screwing in these bolts, you think you could keep a zombie, 00:21:51.844 --> 00:21:54.764 a brain hungry zombie? Well, I shackled her, 00:21:54.764 --> 00:21:58.824 Too, inside the coffin. I have a friend in the funeral home, 00:21:58.824 --> 00:22:00.236 and I shackled her hands. 00:22:00.474 --> 00:22:01.815 You shackled my mom? 00:22:02.424 --> 00:22:06.374 She, the body of your mom, not her soul. Her soul is in heaven. 00:22:06.374 --> 00:22:07.184 Okay, okay. 00:22:07.524 --> 00:22:09.733 I shackled her hands and her feet together. 00:22:11.422 --> 00:22:12.345 That's legal? 00:22:13.436 --> 00:22:15.590 You can shackle a dead body? 00:22:15.729 --> 00:22:18.443 In the eyes of the Lord. The body is just the body. 00:22:18.443 --> 00:22:21.893 The body is the best. Unbolt the coffin. I want to see her. I want to see her 00:22:21.893 --> 00:22:25.463 one more time. Before we lower her in there, I want to see what she looks like. 00:22:25.763 --> 00:22:28.146 I got the tools again. I do have another one of these. 00:22:28.756 --> 00:22:29.586 Cut the bolts. 00:22:29.783 --> 00:22:31.243 Cut the bolts. 00:22:36.363 --> 00:22:36.993 Oh, geez. All right. 00:22:38.223 --> 00:22:39.913 What is that? What do you call those things? 00:22:40.215 --> 00:22:40.482 What? 00:22:40.888 --> 00:22:41.903 What do you call those things? 00:22:41.903 --> 00:22:44.743 Electric drill? It's a, like, it's a, yeah, it's a, it's a, it's a, 00:22:44.743 --> 00:22:49.563 it's a DeWalt. Yeah. It's a DeWalt. I like it. I got you. 00:22:50.343 --> 00:22:54.854 Everybody, it's a, it's an electric drill, everyone. He's just un-drilling, 00:22:55.092 --> 00:22:57.643 he's un-drilling. Well, if you didn't know. 00:22:57.643 --> 00:22:58.993 Why are we still here? 00:22:59.387 --> 00:23:01.683 I, we're going to open the casket. 00:23:01.683 --> 00:23:03.991 We got it, we got it, we got it, we got it. All right, here we go. 00:23:04.426 --> 00:23:07.247 Now, I, I do want to prepare you. When you do open it, you are going to, 00:23:07.892 --> 00:23:11.700 I do want to let you know that she will be wearing a Hannibal Lecter style face mask. 00:23:11.891 --> 00:23:16.953 You put my dead wife in a Hannibal Lecter-style basement? 00:23:16.953 --> 00:23:24.003 To prevent the ghost. If she becomes a vampire, a vampress, then this is going 00:23:24.003 --> 00:23:27.356 to protect you, your family, everybody out here. 00:23:27.739 --> 00:23:31.953 Steven, I know you're, yeah, everyone knows. And Kyle, this is for your mother's own protection. 00:23:32.110 --> 00:23:37.913 Everybody, before we open the casket, the father has just warned us that she 00:23:37.913 --> 00:23:41.853 is dressed like Hannibal Lecter in the movie Silence of the Lambs. 00:23:41.853 --> 00:23:48.733 I would say this Hannibal Lecter popularized a certain type of restraint. 00:23:49.006 --> 00:23:52.599 That restraint was around way before Hannibal Lecter. And I find, 00:23:52.954 --> 00:23:55.723 you know, that kind of it's debasement. 00:23:56.063 --> 00:23:57.473 Let's get on with it. Just open the. 00:23:57.473 --> 00:23:58.898 Let me say one thing, one thing real quick. 00:23:59.664 --> 00:24:02.930 Before the Truman Show, there were people who believed that they were on camera, 00:24:02.930 --> 00:24:04.726 but now they call it the Truman Show Syndrome. 00:24:04.970 --> 00:24:08.410 So, yes, chicken, egg. But in this case, we know. 00:24:08.410 --> 00:24:13.200 What does the Truman Show Syndrome have to do with my dead wife? 00:24:13.200 --> 00:24:18.630 My name's Kyle. I am the son. And we are all saying secrets right
now. 00:24:18.990 --> 00:24:21.532 Oh, God. My dad has three assholes. 00:24:21.862 --> 00:24:22.385 No. 00:24:22.960 --> 00:24:26.624 This father thinks my mom is a ghost. 00:24:27.046 --> 00:24:28.230 I don't think she is a ghost. 00:24:28.650 --> 00:24:34.860 I can't skateboard i have been pretending to skateboard and i cannot thank you don't. 00:24:34.860 --> 00:24:37.182 Clap stop clapping everyone 00:24:37.414 --> 00:24:41.900 Thank you i cannot skateboard that's my secret well. 00:24:41.900 --> 00:24:44.360 I don't have three assholes i have three 00:24:44.360 --> 00:24:47.710 Butt cheeks well technically we would imagine there would be an ass two assholes i 00:24:47.710 --> 00:24:49.928 Just assumed there was at least three. 00:24:50.172 --> 00:24:53.130 Can we just open my wife's Okay. 00:24:53.130 --> 00:24:58.550 Casket. The smell that you will be smelling is garlic, as I've shoved her mouth 00:24:58.550 --> 00:25:01.430 full of garlic as well. And that is- Anti-vampire? 00:25:02.110 --> 00:25:10.577 Well, again, zombie, vampire, whatever. I want to make it hard for her to ascend from the undead. 00:25:10.780 --> 00:25:15.700 She will have tremendous strength as a zombie, et cetera. So these are things 00:25:15.700 --> 00:25:18.100 that are going to obviously weigh her down. 00:25:24.603 --> 00:25:26.790 Wow oh it smells like buca de pepo. 00:25:27.005 --> 00:25:30.123 Oh yeah it's actually 00:25:30.123 --> 00:25:31.184 A really good restaurant. 00:25:31.324 --> 00:25:35.283 We are gonna do uh you are doing this still the uh the after party there right 00:25:35.283 --> 00:25:39.719 you're yeah absolutely yeah we shouldn't call after party the reception there's the service 00:25:39.991 --> 00:25:42.143 Okay get just move the lid 00:25:42.143 --> 00:25:44.263 Back oh yeah there 00:25:44.263 --> 00:25:44.363 It is 00:25:44.983 --> 00:25:45.403 Hey mom, 00:25:47.733 --> 00:25:49.196 why'd we open the casket. 00:25:49.690 --> 00:25:58.803 I i wanted to i wanted to tell her i'm not going to i just am propping her up i'm propping 00:25:58.803 --> 00:26:06.803 You electrocuted sorry sorry yeah yeah i did put uh i did put a little bit of 00:26:06.803 --> 00:26:11.104 electricity there in case of any movement in the coffin dad yeah 00:26:11.296 --> 00:26:12.602 He's got a pacemaker. 00:26:12.933 --> 00:26:17.503 Dad i didn't want i was trying to bolt the coffin down you got you gotta warn 00:26:17.503 --> 00:26:18.952 Us if you're gonna put bolts of. 00:26:19.382 --> 00:26:27.701 I was by i was dad are you okay bury us together 00:26:28.623 --> 00:26:32.683 well good thing i brought these other shackles all right uh we'll shackle you 00:26:32.683 --> 00:26:36.512 together i guess how much is that gonna be we'll talk about it 00:26:42.802 --> 00:26:46.182 Thank you to all my guests. Check out Lauren Lapkus in Stuart Fails to Save 00:26:46.182 --> 00:26:49.165 the Universe on HBO Max and her podcast Freedom. 00:26:49.472 --> 00:26:55.156 Jeff Hiller, check him out on Widows Bay on Apple TV and get his book Actress of a Certain Age. 00:26:55.353 --> 00:26:58.453 Check out Ben Rogers on the Action Boys podcast. 00:26:58.702 --> 00:27:03.822 Craig Krakowski, he plugs all his LA and out of town shows on his Instagram at C Krakowski. 00:27:04.202 --> 00:27:07.705 And he's got a weekly show at Weegis Wednesday nights at nine called Danger Room. 00:27:07.979 --> 00:27:12.750 Check out Paul Scheer and Rob Hubel's show Dark Web every Monday for free on YouTube. 00:27:12.983 --> 00:27:18.219 They also improvise with Dinosaur. Check out DinosaurImprov.com. 00:27:18.463 --> 00:27:22.522 Thank you to Seth and Newt for the music and the art. Hit me up on the off-season 00:27:22.522 --> 00:27:25.512 with feedback or ideas, first two lines, whatever you got. 00:27:25.512 --> 00:27:30.762 You can DM me at MutterflyThePod on Instagram or email MutterflyThePod at gmail.com. 00:27:30.762 --> 00:27:34.382 Please rate and review the show. In the meantime, thank you to all my guests 00:27:34.382 --> 00:27:35.533 this season for playing. 00:27:35.742 --> 00:27:38.656 Thanks to everyone who listened as well. I really appreciate it. 00:27:39.242 --> 00:27:43.567 This is not goodbye. It's a see you later. So stay tuned for season two of Mudderfly. 00:27:43.875 --> 00:27:46.586 I'm Don Finelli. Goodbye for now.
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