Full Transcript for I Don't Eat Vegetables

TRANSCRIPT 🔗

WEBVTT 00:00:14.169 --> 00:00:19.129 Heyo, I'm Don Finnelli. This is Mutterfly. We got three pairs of improvisers. 00:00:19.129 --> 00:00:23.699 They're all improvising a short scene, starting with the exact same two lines 00:00:23.699 --> 00:00:28.409 that I am messaging them right before we start recording. There's no pre-planning. 00:00:28.409 --> 00:00:29.987 They don't know each other's lines. 00:00:30.422 --> 00:00:32.529 They're hearing them for the first time when you're hearing them. 00:00:32.843 --> 00:00:37.869 And guys, it's been three weeks since I moved with my family across the country 00:00:37.869 --> 00:00:40.699 from Los Angeles to New Jersey. And I still don't have any of my stuff. 00:00:40.699 --> 00:00:42.833 You can hear from the echo, I assume. 00:00:43.309 --> 00:00:45.190 I'm in an empty house. 00:00:46.519 --> 00:00:50.019 I think for about almost a week and a half, two weeks, we didn't know where anything was. 00:00:50.559 --> 00:00:56.039 It sat in, I think, Las Vegas for like 12 days. Then it was in Texas. 00:00:56.039 --> 00:00:57.735 I think it's in Virginia now. 00:00:58.309 --> 00:01:03.277 Our shit's all over the country. I have nothing here. Still haven't moved into 00:01:03.277 --> 00:01:07.349 my house. Again, it's just real fun. 00:01:07.749 --> 00:01:11.277 I can't believe I'm still recording at this point, right? 00:01:12.357 --> 00:01:18.187 I've had multiple trips to Home Depot. I'm paying multiple subcontractors to 00:01:18.187 --> 00:01:21.837 tell me what a bad job previous subcontractors did on this house. 00:01:22.957 --> 00:01:26.584 I smell like a burnt buffalo in this stupid swamp heat. 00:01:26.927 --> 00:01:33.335 uh i'm not losing my mind you are but we only have a few more weeks until our season one finale uh 00:01:34.037 --> 00:01:37.847 we got some fantastic episodes coming your way including today's either way 00:01:37.847 --> 00:01:40.371 please give the podcast a nice rating or review uh 00:01:41.037 --> 00:01:46.820 to please our lord the algorithm on anything anywhere uh anything helps guys 00:01:47.157 --> 00:01:51.277 all right let's get to it we got some first timers on this episode and some 00:01:51.277 --> 00:01:56.428 returning champions first up you heard them in episode 19 it's joram milligan and lily do uh 00:01:56.712 --> 00:02:01.647 draw milligan actor writer podcaster one slice of astronomy club check out their 00:02:01.647 --> 00:02:04.437 netflix series it should not have been canceled uh 00:02:04.977 --> 00:02:08.055 draw has also been in broad city alternatino 00:02:08.917 --> 00:02:12.067 Uh blue bloods the detour adam ruins everything he's written and produced a 00:02:12.067 --> 00:02:14.162 bunch of shorts a tv series and movies 00:02:14.574 --> 00:02:18.887 and of course one third of the podcast black man can't jump in hollywood lily 00:02:18.887 --> 00:02:23.987 do currently hosts the boozy storytelling show dirty laundry on dropout uh she's 00:02:23.987 --> 00:02:28.307 also been and seen on Breaking News and Dimension 20, as well as many other 00:02:28.307 --> 00:02:29.573 shows in the dropout-averse. 00:02:30.357 --> 00:02:35.082 She has a recurring role on New Amsterdam on NBC and FBI on CBS. 00:02:35.837 --> 00:02:40.207 She was a staff writer on the Me and You show for Snapchat, rocked out Harold 00:02:40.207 --> 00:02:45.240 Knight at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater, and toured the country with UCB Torco for a while. 00:02:46.077 --> 00:02:50.244 So, hey, let's get to our first mutter with Jarrah Milligan and Lily Doo. 00:02:53.919 --> 00:02:58.244 You said the washing machine is acting up again. 00:02:59.759 --> 00:03:01.378 I don't eat vegetables. 00:03:02.713 --> 00:03:06.244 Oh, I mean, you don't have to put a vegetable in the washing machine. 00:03:06.244 --> 00:03:09.389 Now you put the clothes in a washing machine. 00:03:11.067 --> 00:03:11.618 No, 00:03:13.894 --> 00:03:19.774 I'm sorry. You're just here to fix the washing machine. So far, 00:03:19.774 --> 00:03:23.796 you've been asking for more things to put in. 00:03:24.330 --> 00:03:27.964 And I'm just saying, I don't, I don't eat vegetables. 00:03:28.344 --> 00:03:33.235 Well, you should, you should. That's a problem. You know, vegetables can save your life. 00:03:33.595 --> 00:03:36.394 Okay. You asked if I wanted a big cucumber. 00:03:36.394 --> 00:03:40.584 Oh yeah, that's what I'm talking about. How old do you think I am? 00:03:41.344 --> 00:03:42.331 What'd you, what'd you think? 00:03:43.876 --> 00:03:46.718 Can you do a 360? Okay, go ahead. You asked me to do a little spin. 00:03:46.718 --> 00:03:51.338 Hold on now. Talk to me nice. Woo! Look at that. Yeah. 00:03:52.625 --> 00:03:53.178 That was for you. 00:03:53.258 --> 00:03:54.638 It's 78. 00:03:54.638 --> 00:03:58.748 Wait, hold on now. No. I mean, technically I'm 75, but I look 50. 00:03:58.748 --> 00:04:01.181 That's what everyone else is. I mean, maybe. Hold on. 00:04:02.127 --> 00:04:06.108 Let me go in the light so you can just see the light shine on the side of my 00:04:06.108 --> 00:04:07.892 face. Wait, no. Hey, hold on. 00:04:08.524 --> 00:04:11.578 What? Wait, no. Wait, that's my bad side. Let me try again. Hold on. 00:04:12.425 --> 00:04:17.110 All right. Hold on. let me do a hair flip for you ah what about that. 00:04:18.381 --> 00:04:19.268 Your wig fell off 00:04:19.798 --> 00:04:26.414 Shit this isn't going i thought this was supposed to be you know like in the movies um rodney yeah. 00:04:27.158 --> 00:04:29.798 Rodney um rodney 00:04:30.818 --> 00:04:31.258 Rodney jenkins. 00:04:32.138 --> 00:04:40.258 Rodney sorry is my washer dryer still usable or you've also like pointed out 00:04:40.258 --> 00:04:43.118 a lot of other mistakes and things you can fix in my apartment. 00:04:43.118 --> 00:04:45.838 I actually think my stove is fine. 00:04:46.358 --> 00:04:51.688 First off, Susan, when you posted on Craigslist, I need a repairman to fix my

Load full transcript

00:04:51.688 --> 00:04:54.150 washing machine. Wink, wink. 00:04:54.725 --> 00:04:59.822 I mean, that's what your post said. It was like, washing machine, wink, wink, come quick. 00:05:00.779 --> 00:05:05.115 Lil Rodney saw that. Rodney came, whoo, quick, fast, in a hurry. 00:05:05.417 --> 00:05:08.644 Now, I'm here to fix the washing machine. 00:05:08.975 --> 00:05:11.216 Yeah, wink, wink. I'm looking for a deal. 00:05:11.744 --> 00:05:13.624 Oh, I'm trying. 00:05:13.624 --> 00:05:15.703 I posted in Los Feliz by nothing. 00:05:16.586 --> 00:05:19.434 But you put it on Craig's, you put it on the Craigslist. 00:05:19.434 --> 00:05:23.973 And I put it on Craig's list. I cast a wide net. I put it on Nextdoor. 00:05:24.287 --> 00:05:29.264 I put it in my Insta stories. You never know where someone's gonna come through. 00:05:29.264 --> 00:05:34.344 Listen, you posted it. And here Rodney is. I rode my bike three miles, 00:05:34.344 --> 00:05:36.425 all right? I had to get on the freeway. 00:05:36.849 --> 00:05:40.343 Do you know what that is like? My helmet fell off, all right? 00:05:40.610 --> 00:05:42.524 I thought I was going to get hit by a car. But the wig stayed on. 00:05:42.524 --> 00:05:46.827 Because the wig is usually sewed in tight. But I guess the wind hurt it. 00:05:47.652 --> 00:05:49.804 Okay. You know what? You know what? Let's start over. 00:05:49.964 --> 00:05:52.348 You're only three miles away. Why didn't you bike local roads? 00:05:52.882 --> 00:05:57.427 Because I wanted to get hit fast. You said, come quick. I follow the rules. 00:05:57.561 --> 00:05:58.684 All right? Wink, wink. 00:05:58.684 --> 00:06:00.190 Yeah, and you did the wink, wink. 00:06:00.678 --> 00:06:02.784 Yeah, looking for a special deal. 00:06:03.124 --> 00:06:06.123 Yeah, see, that's how you did it. No, no, no. Now I see what you're doing. 00:06:06.408 --> 00:06:07.412 Now I see what you're doing. 00:06:07.760 --> 00:06:11.764 No, don't say it in that voice, okay? Don't say it in that voice. 00:06:11.764 --> 00:06:14.999 You're trying to... No, no, we're not wink-winking no more. You know what? 00:06:15.249 --> 00:06:17.111 I don't even care. No, I don't even want to fix... 00:06:17.413 --> 00:06:19.822 I want nothing to do with your... No, no. 00:06:20.784 --> 00:06:22.344 Susan, I want nothing to do with your washing machine. 00:06:22.444 --> 00:06:24.634 You wink fast enough. That's just a regular blink. 00:06:24.634 --> 00:06:30.921 First off, no, you're doing two blinks. One blink is a wink-wink. Wink. No, no, don't... 00:06:31.676 --> 00:06:35.844 Wink. It's too many blinks. You know what? I'm leaving. How about that? 00:06:35.844 --> 00:06:38.328 No, no, no. Rodney here is... No, you're trying... 00:06:40.470 --> 00:06:40.836 why. 00:06:41.184 --> 00:06:42.844 Don't you do a 00:06:43.413 --> 00:06:47.915 Little spin stop stop you know i like spinning you you fine i'm gonna do one 00:06:47.915 --> 00:06:52.105 spin but i'm spinning out the dough okay and

you're gonna fix your own washing 00:06:52.105 --> 00:06:55.697 machine i don't even know how you get a cucumber in that washing machine anyway. 00:06:56.265 --> 00:07:05.355 Feels like i don't have that i'm on an all meat protein based cleanse right 00:07:05.355 --> 00:07:09.995 Now okay you know what you need a veggie in your life okay because then you 00:07:09.995 --> 00:07:13.825 won't look as young as i thought i looked before we started this all right sorry. 00:07:13.825 --> 00:07:15.519 Rodney how old do you think i am 00:07:16.199 --> 00:07:19.194 Oh no oh no. 00:07:20.175 --> 00:07:21.475 Rodney how old do you think 00:07:21.475 --> 00:07:27.825 I am no nope you're changing your oh no uh wink wink no i don't know no more 00:07:27.825 --> 00:07:33.300 wink winking i'll tell you that right now no more i'm gonna say 32, 00:07:36.528 --> 00:07:40.423 No, no. What is that? 28. 00:07:41.812 --> 00:07:43.032 I am 27. 00:07:44.922 --> 00:07:51.185 Okay. I went to 28. Okay. Listen, the way you said, guess how old you were? 28 is I am great. 00:07:51.992 --> 00:07:53.054 I am 27. 00:07:53.176 --> 00:07:53.832 27. I'm sorry. 00:07:53.832 --> 00:07:55.527 Sometimes they think I'm 17. 00:07:56.148 --> 00:07:59.542 Wait, what? At the bar? Sometimes they think I'm 17. Wait, they shouldn't think 00:07:59.542 --> 00:08:02.255 you're 17 at the bar because you can't be in the bar until you're 21. 00:08:03.155 --> 00:08:06.512 What? Well, my ID says I'm 17. 00:08:06.512 --> 00:08:07.027 Wait, hold on. 00:08:10.492 --> 00:08:16.024 Thank you, Jarrah. Thank you, Lily. Next up, another dropout queen and an improv king. 00:08:16.238 --> 00:08:20.853 It's Katie Maravich and Johnny McNulty. Katie is a writer, actor, 00:08:21.074 --> 00:08:25.412 and director. She wrote, directed, and acted in five seasons of Reality Check, 00:08:25.412 --> 00:08:27.552 a weekly YouTube series for Fox TV. 00:08:28.172 --> 00:08:31.992 Katie was a cast member at College Humor for a long time, And she created and 00:08:31.992 --> 00:08:36.004 starred in King Pink Katie, eight-episode comedy series for Dropout. 00:08:36.202 --> 00:08:38.088 Your boy had a small part in it. 00:08:38.408 --> 00:08:44.372 And she created and hosted The Rank Room on Dropout and regularly appears in 00:08:44.372 --> 00:08:48.862 shows like Game Changer, Breaking News, Smarty Pants, and Dirty Laundry on Dropout. 00:08:49.118 --> 00:08:54.093 And it's written for many other shows like Make Some Noise and Monet's Slumber Party. 00:08:54.267 --> 00:08:58.928 Johnny McNulty, we were on our first Herald team together, The Opera, many goofs ago. 00:08:59.592 --> 00:09:05.552 He's a former contributor to The Onion, Weekend Update, and an executive editor 00:09:05.552 --> 00:09:09.642 at someecards.com. He took some time off from the stage, but now he's back on 00:09:09.642 --> 00:09:11.146 Herald Night in New York. 00:09:11.390 --> 00:09:13.759 You can check him out on his team, Your Girlfriend. 00:09:14.026 -->

00:09:17.162 It's Katie and Johnny. They don't know each other. They never met. 00:09:17.162 --> 00:09:20.952 They're on opposite ends of the country. But hey, we all speak the language 00:09:20.952 --> 00:09:23.592 of improv. So let's get to our second mutter. 00:09:27.975 --> 00:09:30.256 You said the washing machine was acting up again? 00:09:32.590 --> 00:09:35.470 I don't eat vegetables. 00:09:37.897 --> 00:09:44.265 And obviously that has an effect on what I do to clothes. 00:09:44.863 --> 00:09:46.939 And this happens. 00:09:48.642 --> 00:09:52.582 The washing machine is broken. 00:09:54.371 --> 00:09:57.553 Oh, oh, it's that kind of broken. 00:09:57.947 --> 00:09:58.509 Yes. 00:09:59.624 --> 00:10:06.723 Okay. Yes. Um, so, uh, let me just, yeah. 00:10:07.588 --> 00:10:10.949 Uh, well, I just, I've actually, I'm, I'm glad that this has happened. 00:10:10.949 --> 00:10:15.488 Cause this has, gives me an opportunity to say, I don't also, 00:10:16.149 --> 00:10:20.199 I don't believe in washing machines. 00:10:20.199 --> 00:10:23.979 I don't believe in washing, but I especially don't believe in washing machines. 00:10:23.979 --> 00:10:27.481 If you're going to do it, it should be a muscle based activity. 00:10:28.559 --> 00:10:33.789 Okay. Yeah, no, that's great. So your apartment manager just sent me here. 00:10:33.789 --> 00:10:39.909 So I don't need to know all the details. I'm just here to sort of fix the machine. 00:10:39.909 --> 00:10:44.652 And wow, there's a lot of poop everywhere. Okay. Yeah. Wow. 00:10:45.372 --> 00:10:51.101 Wow. That's the most, I normally don't see poop. That's a plumber thing. Okay. 00:10:51.688 --> 00:10:57.489 Well, the toilet works. I'm not using it, but it works. Just to be clear, 00:10:57.489 --> 00:11:00.709 there's nothing wrong with the toilet. Okay. 00:11:02.419 --> 00:11:08.022 I don't yet have a farm, but that is a goal of mine, but I'm not going to buy fertilizer. 00:11:09.799 --> 00:11:13.072 Why? I make my own, you know? Okay. Um. 00:11:14.819 --> 00:11:17.929 That's interesting. Okay, yeah, we're in New York City, so that's, 00:11:17.929 --> 00:11:20.526 I don't know where you'd be farming, but okay. 00:11:20.851 --> 00:11:27.479 Ideally, I'm gonna build like a, you know, like a box, a wooden box, 00:11:27.979 --> 00:11:29.837 fill it with dirt, and my poop. 00:11:30.747 --> 00:11:35.861 Okay. So I would like to get out of here as fast as possible. 00:11:36.733 --> 00:11:39.130 So I'm just going to get started if that's okay. 00:11:40.093 --> 00:11:42.813 Here, I'm going to put in gloves on. 00:11:43.837 --> 00:11:46.593 Here we go. Oh, man. 00:11:47.973 --> 00:11:49.073 Someone eats a lot of corn. 00:11:50.641 --> 00:11:53.543 Sorry, that's disgusting. Fun fact, not corn. 00:11:53.694 --> 00:11:58.083 As previously stated, I don't eat vegetables. 00:11:58.083 --> 00:12:04.312 However, in the process of sweating it out, the grease kind of, 00:12:05.593 --> 00:12:10.609 it naturally reaches that shape when emerging from a human follicle. 00:12:11.166 --> 00:12:15.523 Listen, I realize this is an awkward thing to explain to someone. 00:12:15.523 --> 00:12:17.511 I don't want to be in this position. 00:12:18.184 --> 00:12:24.779 uh in fact i somewhat resent the landlord for responding in this way by 00:12:25.255 --> 00:12:29.053 but i understand you know what we're all in systems we're all part of systems 00:12:29.053 --> 00:12:33.184 we can't get out of and this is your role in the system and and i i respect that 00:12:33.974 --> 00:12:38.493 uh thank you yeah i think it's just mostly because your neighbors complained 00:12:38.493 --> 00:12:42.496 so yeah that's why i'm here i complained about them too but 00:12:44.416 --> 00:12:48.702 Anyway, so I just want to reassure you, that is not poop or corn. 00:12:49.265 --> 00:12:52.499 That is fat that sort of... 00:12:55.416 --> 00:12:58.966 Anyway, it's fat that's emerged from my pores and stuck to the clothes, 00:12:58.966 --> 00:13:00.736 and it broke the washing machine. 00:13:01.363 --> 00:13:03.976 Got it, got it. Okay, that's great. 00:13:04.616 --> 00:13:10.296 I'm glad that you have gone into so much detail. Like I said, I want to get out of here. 00:13:10.796 --> 00:13:15.196 Like I said, I don't want to be in this position either, but you're here, 00:13:15.596 --> 00:13:21.016 and quite frankly, you've listened longer to me explain sort of where I'm coming 00:13:21.016 --> 00:13:22.906 from than any of you would be here. 00:13:23.156 --> 00:13:27.176 Hey, sorry, the door was opened. How you doing, Cliff? Here's your 40 pounds 00:13:27.176 --> 00:13:30.671 of beef jerky, if you want to sign here. 00:13:31.776 --> 00:13:34.833 I don't want to sign, actually. I don't. 00:13:35.576 --> 00:13:40.156 Oh, right, right. I mean, it works. I'm trying to get to the point where I don't have a name. 00:13:40.940 --> 00:13:41.741 Okay. 00:13:41.921 --> 00:13:45.253 I don't want something that the government can identify me by, 00:13:45.700 --> 00:13:50.886 even if it's just a name. So if it's okay with you, I'm just going to drag my 00:13:50.886 --> 00:13:53.874 finger across here, and you can take that smudge. 00:13:54.466 --> 00:13:57.838 Okay. Yeah, you know what? There just needs to be something on there, 00:13:58.233 --> 00:14:01.569 okay? Smells horrible in here. 00:14:01.754 --> 00:14:03.876 Smells so bad. My God. 00:14:03.876 --> 00:14:05.992 Just going to let you know that. I didn't know if you knew that, 00:14:06.178 --> 00:14:07.356 but I assume that you did. 00:14:08.576 --> 00:14:10.787 I do. Thank you, Cliff. If you do say that every time. 00:14:11.356 --> 00:14:12.316 Yeah. Okay, Cliff. 00:14:12.316 --> 00:14:13.080 Bye. 00:14:13.231 --> 00:14:15.356 Hey, Cliff. Are both your names Cliff? 00:14:15.541 --> 00:14:15.692 Yep. 00:14:15.861 --> 00:14:17.216 Are both your names Cliff? 00:14:17.576 --> 00:14:18.096 Absolutely. 00:14:18.736 --> 00:14:21.696 That's a very common name. Wait,

that's weird. My name is Cliff. 00:14:21.696 --> 00:14:22.240 Really? 00:14:22.583 --> 00:14:23.059 Yeah. 00:14:23.268 --> 00:14:26.774 Wow. All right. How do you spell it? 00:14:27.865 --> 00:14:28.655 Three Fs. 00:14:29.328 --> 00:14:29.874 What about you? 00:14:30.251 --> 00:14:30.959 Three Fs? 00:14:31.180 --> 00:14:31.993 Yeah, three Fs. 00:14:32.393 --> 00:14:35.957 Huh. Seems one F. 00:14:36.555 --> 00:14:38.169 One F. That's weird. 00:14:38.378 --> 00:14:38.529 Yep. 00:14:39.208 --> 00:14:41.687 As stated before, I do not spell my name 00:14:43.040 --> 00:14:43.701 Okay. 00:14:43.893 --> 00:14:48.757 Any number of Fs ranging from 0.1 to almost infinite. 00:14:49.379 --> 00:14:52.842 I wouldn't know what 0.1 Fs looks like. Yeah, I don't either. 00:14:52.842 --> 00:14:56.782 I'm just a jerky delivery guy. They call me big jerk. Big clip jerk. 00:14:58.777 --> 00:14:59.382 That's funny. 00:15:00.002 --> 00:15:02.942 Thanks. Yeah, I'm a stand-up comedian at night. 00:15:03.322 --> 00:15:04.006 Really? 00:15:04.761 --> 00:15:07.088 Yeah. Oh, man, I've been trying to get into that. 00:15:07.321 --> 00:15:10.802 Oh, yeah. There's open mics all over the city. You should jump in. 00:15:10.982 --> 00:15:12.442 I should do that. I should totally do that. 00:15:12.442 --> 00:15:15.402 Cliff, you shouldn't do that. Sorry, smelly Cliff. 00:15:15.860 --> 00:15:20.342 Sorry. No, I understand. Well, also, usually I ask you, where are you performing? 00:15:20.342 --> 00:15:24.312 And you do usually say, I won't tell you that because I don't want you to come. 00:15:25.159 --> 00:15:29.031 It's just to be honest, because there's an odor that I think would. 00:15:29.397 --> 00:15:30.802 Yeah, it's the smell. It's the smell. 00:15:31.642 --> 00:15:34.285 You know. You got it. You got it down. 00:15:34.505 --> 00:15:35.457 Jerky Cliff? 00:15:36.166 --> 00:15:36.334 Yeah. 00:15:36.891 --> 00:15:41.019 Before you go, I just wanted to say, because men don't say this enough. I love you. 00:15:42.470 --> 00:15:45.268 Oh, that's not appropriate. Okay. 00:15:45.692 --> 00:15:50.025 Yeah. Okay. Well, you don't know if it's not appropriate. I've been delivering 00:15:50.025 --> 00:15:53.343 him jerky for a while, but I will say, yeah, this is not appropriate, man. 00:15:56.082 --> 00:16:00.155 Yeah. But you know what? I think it's my own internal baggage coming up. 00:16:01.613 --> 00:16:06.075 I don't have a man say that to me a lot. I don't think I've ever had a man say that to me. 00:16:06.475 --> 00:16:07.175 Not your dad? 00:16:07.515 --> 00:16:08.086 Never knew him. 00:16:08.626 --> 00:16:10.295 You didn't know your dad. Wow. 00:16:10.295 --> 00:16:12.595 Cliff Sr.? No, they named me after them, 00:16:12.595 --> 00:16:15.499 But yeah. Can I get anybody some meat? 00:16:20.115 --> 00:16:25.165 Thank you, Katie. Thank you, Johnny. Last up, it's my wife and my other wife. 00:16:25.165 --> 00:16:27.109 It's Laura Wilcox and Lauren Adams. 00:16:27.388 --> 00:16:33.651

Laura Wilcox is a writer, an actress, a UC Beatrice, and my wife, and a damn good mother. 00:16:34.040 --> 00:16:39.584 And was also on our first Herald team with Johnny McNulty. It's an opera reunion, folks. 00:16:39.921 --> 00:16:42.765 But she was a writer on Georgie and Mandy's First Marriage on CBS, 00:16:42.765 --> 00:16:47.328 A Little Late with Lily Singh. I can never say it. A Little Late with Lily Singh. 00:16:47.676 --> 00:16:52.665 And The Jim Jefferies Show. And Lauren Adams, actress and writress as well. 00:16:52.665 --> 00:16:54.781 Longtime performer at the UCB Theater. 00:16:55.095 --> 00:17:00.196 And maybe you remember her as Gretchen on The Unbreakable, Kimmy Schmidt. 00:17:00.995 --> 00:17:05.215 She's also been on Modern Family, The Sex Lives of College Girls, 00:17:05.215 --> 00:17:07.568 Adam Ruins, everything. Many commercials. 00:17:07.795 --> 00:17:12.945 She's lent her voice also to many projects, but I say we get to the funny stuff, 00:17:12.945 --> 00:17:15.735 okay? It's our final mutter with Laura and Lauren. 00:17:19.979 --> 00:17:25.319 Hey, you said the washing machine was acting up again? I don't eat vegetables. 00:17:27.078 --> 00:17:30.947 I don't eat them, and I never have, and I never will. No, I know, 00:17:30.947 --> 00:17:35.727 I know, I know. But the washing machine, babe, I love you. 00:17:36.488 --> 00:17:41.267 I love you. I can't get into, like, your newest fad diet thing. 00:17:41.607 --> 00:17:43.936 The washing machine's broken. We're homeowners now. 00:17:44.336 --> 00:17:51.668 Yeah, I put the vegetables in the washing machine. I don't eat vegetables. 00:17:52.684 --> 00:17:54.211 Why? Did you even open it and look? 00:17:55.267 --> 00:17:58.197 You know what? I didn't. Let me see. 00:17:58.806 --> 00:18:04.856 Oh, yeah. Look. All the vegetables I just got at the farmer's market, they were expensive. 00:18:05.413 --> 00:18:07.137 The squash blossoms. 00:18:08.667 --> 00:18:14.827 Not the squash blossoms. They're all flat now. They're vegetables. Okay. Can you what? 00:18:15.907 --> 00:18:19.287 What is this now? What, why don't you eat vegetables? 00:18:21.644 --> 00:18:27.047 Are you forgetting what I confided in you on our second date? 00:18:27.047 --> 00:18:29.921 We've been married for 27 years. 00:18:30.252 --> 00:18:32.754 27 years this month, okay? 00:18:33.643 --> 00:18:37.613 And are you forgetting what I confided in you on our second date? 00:18:40.424 --> 00:18:44.292 And I'm going to be so honest with you. I don't remember what we talked about 00:18:44.292 --> 00:18:48.284 on our second date. I remember that we went to Harvey's Tavern. 00:18:48.562 --> 00:18:53.112 I even remember that you got a non-alcoholic IPA, which at the time, 00:18:53.112 --> 00:18:55.912 not everyone was drinking. So I thought that was unusual and cool. 00:18:56.512 --> 00:18:59.552 They barely made IPAs at all, let alone an NA. 00:19:00.852 --> 00:19:05.642 I know. That's why, I mean, it really stuck out.

I knew at that moment, 00:19:05.642 --> 00:19:07.372 you're an outside the box thinker. 00:19:07.712 --> 00:19:13.012 Yeah, the late 90s. And, you know, we were we were on the cutting edge of the N.A. 00:19:14.162 --> 00:19:17.782 drinks. I know. And we should have started a company. 00:19:18.582 --> 00:19:21.362 You were drinking full A drinks. So that's probably why you don't remember. 00:19:21.362 --> 00:19:26.426 You had four or five Long Island iced teas, didn't you? OK, well, I was nervous. 00:19:26.798 --> 00:19:29.382 I was nervous. You made me nervous. You still make me nervous. 00:19:29.382 --> 00:19:31.128 No, that's sweet. That's sweet. I love you. 00:19:33.112 --> 00:19:36.352 OK, can you please can you remind me why we're not eating vegetables now? 00:19:38.280 --> 00:19:41.548 My father choked to death on an eggplant. 00:19:42.233 --> 00:19:47.162 One of those tiny little fairy tale eggplants. Right. And he choked. 00:19:47.162 --> 00:19:49.772 Right. It's the exact size of a windpipe. 00:19:50.112 --> 00:19:52.269 At the farmer's market, too. Yeah, no. 00:19:52.752 --> 00:19:57.186 Right. Okay. I'm sorry. He was a livestock farmer. That was his whole scene. 00:19:57.912 --> 00:20:02.042 I know. But do you see the challenge here? Because he was a livestock farmer. 00:20:02.042 --> 00:20:06.632 So for a while, we also couldn't eat anything that counted as livestock. 00:20:06.632 --> 00:20:10.676 Why would you? They were my friends, my pets, my companions. 00:20:11.483 --> 00:20:15.698 Why would you? Okay? You know what's great to eat? Fish. They're bugs. 00:20:15.825 --> 00:20:18.443 They're water bugs. They don't hurt anyone. 00:20:19.326 --> 00:20:24.532 Okay. As unappetizing as that sounds, are you telling me that you're a pescatarian 00:20:24.532 --> 00:20:27.174 in the sense that you only eat fish now? Yeah. 00:20:28.207 --> 00:20:30.791 That's it? That's exactly what I'm saying. That's exactly what I'm saying. 00:20:31.098 --> 00:20:34.162 I'll cut up a bunch of shrimp and scramble them up for breakfast. 00:20:34.162 --> 00:20:36.358 Yum. Scramble it in what? Thank you. 00:20:38.052 --> 00:20:39.195 Shrimp. Shrimp and shrimp. 00:20:41.720 --> 00:20:46.145 Shrimp and shrimp. Honey, I'm sorry. Make a shrimp paste. Saute the shrimp in 00:20:46.145 --> 00:20:48.981 the shrimp. Can I just ask you where... 00:20:52.424 --> 00:20:55.835 I'm just worried that you're getting influenced by things online. 00:20:55.835 --> 00:21:00.649 Because you're sending me a lot of TikToks. I'm in there. I'm in the talks. I'm in the talks. 00:21:01.073 --> 00:21:03.981 I'm scrolling anti-veg talk. Okay. 00:21:05.444 --> 00:21:10.515 Did you know how many poisons there are? you the dirty dozen it's all dirty 00:21:10.835 --> 00:21:15.555 all that's why i go to the farmer's market of course okay that's reasonable 00:21:15.555 --> 00:21:22.232 that's not weird to be scared of pesticide but to reject all vegetables and all meat i mean babe 00:21:23.457 --> 00:21:25.199 let me well we can't just eat fish 00:21:26.435 --> 00:21:29.075 why not longevity you know who 00:21:29.075 --> 00:21:31.503 lives the longest in the world you know who lives the longest in the world 00:21:32.130 --> 00:21:32.515 Who Thank you. 00:21:33.987 --> 00:21:37.255 The Japanese? Who? The Greeks? They live... Okay. 00:21:37.735 --> 00:21:43.850 Two diets full of beautiful, fatty, you know, fish oil. 00:21:43.966 --> 00:21:47.915 We just take fish oil. We live in Idaho. We live in Idaho. 00:21:48.415 --> 00:21:50.844 We don't live near freshwater, honey. No. 00:21:51.494 --> 00:21:54.907 And the fish are expensive. We're going to have to work hard. 00:21:55.348 --> 00:21:59.475 Honey, I'm going to have to do a phone ban for you again. I'm sorry. 00:21:59.475 --> 00:22:03.075 No, no, no, no. I don't like this for our relationship dynamic, 00:22:03.075 --> 00:22:07.275 but I'm going to have to take the phone away again. You're getting too deep on the talks and 00:22:09.655 --> 00:22:13.225 you're making life hard to live at this point. You're afraid of everything. 00:22:13.225 --> 00:22:13.686 Mom? 00:22:13.802 --> 00:22:17.227 Yeah, hon. Mom? Sorry, which mom? 00:22:17.640 --> 00:22:18.435 Both of you. Mom or mommy? 00:22:18.775 --> 00:22:18.995 Okay. 00:22:19.535 --> 00:22:19.855 Listen. 00:22:20.496 --> 00:22:20.695 What? 00:22:22.382 --> 00:22:27.205 I went outside into the outdoor freezer. There's a whole octopus in there, 00:22:27.205 --> 00:22:29.935 like a gigantic octopus. 00:22:29.935 --> 00:22:31.409 It's technically still alive. 00:22:32.375 --> 00:22:34.355 No, it's still alive? 00:22:34.355 --> 00:22:36.325 Where did you get an alive octopus? 00:22:36.325 --> 00:22:36.435 No, 00:22:39.435 --> 00:22:44.000 this isn't like that movie with Mel Gibson when they freeze him and then he comes back to life. 00:22:44.715 --> 00:22:48.795 But an octopus you can the way they're magnificent, majestic. 00:22:48.795 --> 00:22:52.177 It's like they're fake. It's like they're a unicorn, but they're real. 00:22:52.630 --> 00:22:53.405 So we're going to eat that? 00:22:53.895 --> 00:22:57.775 There's a guy from TikTok. Okay, there's a guy from TikTok. All right. 00:22:58.295 --> 00:23:03.201 And he brings deep water animals to Idaho, specifically to Idaho. 00:23:03.729 --> 00:23:04.175 What? 00:23:04.535 --> 00:23:08.437 So you want me to eat a creature that's unappetizing and really smart? 00:23:10.411 --> 00:23:13.029 Okay. You know what? The octopus is out. You're right. You're right. 00:23:13.029 --> 00:23:18.028 When you're right, you're right. Okay. So now we have a pet octopus, honey. 00:23:18.463 --> 00:23:22.823 We have a pet? It's going to be our pet now? Where the hell are we going to keep it? 00:23:23.397 --> 00:23:27.279 Well, what do you think, Brayden? We have an alive octopus. What are we going 00:23:27.279 --> 00:23:29.678 to do? Just put it out on the curb? 00:23:30.166 --> 00:23:32.019 Drop it off at the fire

station? 00:23:32.439 --> 00:23:36.279 I don't know. It just freaked me out. It's in our freezer. 00:23:36.619 --> 00:23:42.079 It's kind. It looks like an alien. It's like one little tentacle is moving and 00:23:42.079 --> 00:23:44.399 then like suctioned to the thing. 00:23:44.399 --> 00:23:48.169 And I don't know if it has eyes or not, but I felt like it was looking at me. 00:23:48.169 --> 00:23:53.319 It felt like Independence Day. It looked like that where it was like drowning my brain. 00:23:53.659 --> 00:23:56.072 It was really freaky. And I was like, aren't we an eye? 00:23:56.444 --> 00:24:01.479 How the hell did we get this octopus? So there's some random dude bringing deep 00:24:02.039 --> 00:24:05.256 water animals into our state. 00:24:05.592 --> 00:24:08.298 The octoman. He'll bring you an octopus. 00:24:08.611 --> 00:24:11.979 Can't be. This is like tiger. That tiger dude. 00:24:12.559 --> 00:24:17.696 Yes. Like the tiger dude. Do not buy a tiger. 00:24:18.799 --> 00:24:23.838 I would only for fun, not food. Okay. 00:24:26.235 --> 00:24:31.361 Listen, go with me on a journey, if you two will, okay? Come with me, all right? 00:24:32.104 --> 00:24:36.696 It's the three of us. We're sitting down to Thanksgiving dinner, okay? 00:24:37.677 --> 00:24:42.279 No one is harmed. No one is scared. No turkeys have lost their lives. 00:24:42.569 --> 00:24:46.818 And we're having a beautiful sea bass and living to be 102 years old. 00:24:47.323 --> 00:24:48.403 Doesn't that sound nice? 00:24:50.040 --> 00:24:51.956 It does sound nice. It does sound nice. 00:24:52.176 --> 00:24:56.112 For Thanksgiving? For Thanksgiving? Sea bass? 00:24:56.356 --> 00:25:02.027 I mean, what even cranberry sauce doesn't go with sea bass like sweet potato. 00:25:02.736 --> 00:25:06.242 Would you eat a cranberry? It's not a vegetable. It's a fruit. 00:25:06.770 --> 00:25:10.196 Oh, so eat a fruit. Oh, I'll eat a fruit. I love a fruit. Fruit never harmed 00:25:10.196 --> 00:25:12.343 me. Well, fruit and fish I could do. 00:25:12.900 --> 00:25:14.916 That sounds good, right? Think about a little lemon. 00:25:15.919 --> 00:25:19.611 Why the hell did you throw the cucumber then in there? Isn't cucumber a fruit? 00:25:19.936 --> 00:25:23.105 Oh, yeah. Braden, do you know anything about fixing washing machines? 00:25:23.692 --> 00:25:24.963 Yeah, so I'm going to school for. 00:25:32.770 --> 00:25:37.632 Thanks, wifey. And thank you, Laura Wilcox. And thank you to all my guests. 00:25:37.632 --> 00:25:41.582 Follow Jara Milligan, the Black Man Can't Jump in Hollywood podcast. 00:25:41.582 --> 00:25:43.114 That drops every Thursday. 00:25:43.364 --> 00:25:47.182 Lily Dew, she hosts Dirty Laundry on Dropout, and she's going to be doing a 00:25:47.182 --> 00:25:51.392 live show in London as part of the Roundhouse Festival on August 9th, I believe. 00:25:51.682 --> 00:25:56.280 And then every second Thursday of the month, she does Gossip Night at the UCB Theater in LA. 00:25:56.437 --> 00:26:00.552 Follow Katie Maravich at Katie Maravich on the socials. You can check out her 00:26:00.552 --> 00:26:05.133 in the upcoming movie, Greatest Treasure in the World, and all over the Dropout-iverse. 00:26:05.295 --> 00:26:10.732 Johnny McNulty, the Johnny McNulty on Instagram. He's on Herald Night with your 00:26:10.732 --> 00:26:14.722 girlfriend at UCB in New York. And hopefully they're performing more of Monster of the Week. 00:26:14.966 --> 00:26:18.095 It's like an improvised Buffy-esque show at the UCB Theater. 00:26:18.379 --> 00:26:23.552 Lauren Adams, hear her on the podcast series, Stan Land, which also stars Rhea 00:26:23.552 --> 00:26:25.129 Seahorn and Bobby Minahan. 00:26:25.304 --> 00:26:28.752 And she wants you to donate to the LA Food Bank. So please do that. 00:26:28.752 --> 00:26:30.035 Laura Wilcox is on Insta. 00:26:30.278 --> 00:26:35.300 She's at Laura Wilcox, and that's Wilcox with two L's. 00:26:36.052 --> 00:26:39.202 Thank you to Seth and Nooch for the music and the art. If you want to submit 00:26:39.202 --> 00:26:43.582 your own first two lines to be used in season two, DM me at MutterflyThePod 00:26:43.582 --> 00:26:48.002 on Instagram or email MutterflyThePod at gmail.com. Please rate and review the 00:26:48.002 --> 00:26:50.863 show to feed my best friend the algorithm. 00:26:51.275 --> 00:26:53.992 I'm going to be back next Thursday. I think I should be here. 00:26:54.532 --> 00:26:59.541 All new episode of Mutterfly. I'm Don Finelli. I need my stuff. Thanks for joining me.

Edit transcript