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ABOUT THIS EPISODE

When I was nine years old, my dad told me that everyone has an interesting story if you are willing to listen to it. Over the past month, I have really enjoyed treating Monocycle like a bicycle, listening to the stories of particularly interesting people, some more public than others, and getting into the thick of what it means to be a person in the world, whether in the context of being a woman, owning your vanity or experiencing grief. But for old times' sake (and because sometimes talking is more satisfying than writing), here's an episode of Monocycle that features no one but me, my sound booth and that background music you probably wish never to hear again but that is probably not going anywhere any time soon. The choice topic is self-esteem, a human condition that has come up in so many of my conversations as of late because it seemingly impairs me, but see the thing is that I've been masquerading it as otherwise-titled experiences (self love, self respect, compassion and so on) for at least the last year. Sometimes it is so liberating to finally land on a spade and to be able to call it one even if you don't have a next step, or solution in place.
We're only running six minutes and 40 seconds long this week, so enjoy this episode while you take a coffee break, or sit on the toilet, or braid your pubic hair. HAPPY FRIDAY! T-minus 10...
English
United States
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TRANSCRIPT

00:00:00this episode of motorcycle is brought to you by stockx auction house for designer handbags by the likes of lashes and but worry about the seller is because stockx deals with them but the price you want for the bag you want and wait for offers to roll on in there two ways to indicate what you're willing to pay that's personally my preference cycle
00:00:51hello welcome back to monocycle a podcast by man repeller hosted by Leandra medine I hope you've enjoyed the past three episodes all three of which were interviews that I called bicycles instead of monocycle engaging myself in a Solo episode once again and the topic of choice is self esteem when I was researching for last week's episode of monocycle which culminated in an interview with Bozeman St John the new Chief brand officer I was so taken back by the confidence with what she carried herself and almost every pole quote that I read time in again when prodded about whether she thought race was a factor involved in the hiring that even if it were it didn't matter because no one else was as qualified as she was to do the job
00:01:48no one else she seemed to indicate was is qualified to do any job that she held I found this so refreshing it is precisely the stuff women are trained not to say that which makes this caddy and competitive and even arrogant it is the antithesis of self-deprecation which can sometimes run through our veins so deeply that we forget we're using it as a protective mechanism or armor and begin to believe the lukewarm the things we say about ourselves it got me thinking deeper and deeper almost like on a cellular level about my relationship with self-esteem which I realized when I was in conversation with Sophia amoruso earlier this fall for her podcast girlboss I always known myself to be indecisive and for a while I was beginning to feel like I was living up to advise that my dad had long ago warned me against this advice was that it's very easy to talk yourself out of executing on your billion dollar ideas Sophie
00:02:48can I were talking about man repeller and how I've become so experimental with my style though to be honest I don't think I've become experimental at all I think I've always been this way that I've always had a certain expectation about how I should look and why I should look that way but there was no Rhyme or Reason to the surface level principles and then I realize that I use clothes as a shield to protect me when I'm feeling unsafe for a lack of confidence or simply need some version of a reaction any reaction from anyone and almost always to cover up my trouble with self-esteem of which surprised I have very little perhaps The Sounds unusual but let me speak to a good thing I'm the only one allowed to speak huh I know that my self-esteem suffer is because I've always struggled with understanding and recognizing my own worth at times it's been masked by various events that have validated me but that external validation always disappears and like
00:03:48it leaves me going back for more I crave it I need it I do whatever I have to become a martyr of victim tell stories about myself get dressed ostentatiously just to get it again and this is the thing that I realized the past 7 years of my life have been a long-winded string of running on the pursuit of validation from those who will give it to me leaders in any sector the people I love most it is allowed me to cast aside a much more systemic problem that I experience with myself regularly I never learned self-esteem this is arguably because I never had to my parents were always very supportive which of course is a good thing but before I could ever really get knocked down the jump to my age showering me with superficial compliments and kindness that serve just the purpose of needed to my life has been for the most part easy sure except for heartbreak and its manifold permutations and why
00:04:48such loss did take me to the edge of Sanity perhaps this is when I really learned that my old tricks seeking external validation through my tried-and-true mechanisms from anyone who would give it to me no longer worked after speaking with bars though it occurred to me that her self-esteem was a genuine by-product of the life she's lived the life she's weathered the Lost she's in Jordan the strength she is forced herself to squeeze out of it she succeeded in learning the new language for which I'm still a novice
00:05:21maybe two I demanded this sort of external validation presently I still very much feel the need to be commended and I'm not exactly sure why now of all times in second trimester pregnancy Bliss I'm feeling the brunt of a lack of self-esteem maybe it's because the conversations I'm having with myself are growing more complicated because the stakes are different there's progeny at play and at risk or perhaps I've realized that my company has only grown so much that I have not taken a truly buffets just yet because self-esteem has been a missing ingredient for so long trusting myself believing in myself understanding for no one but myself
00:06:09there's many times has broached this topic under different pseudonyms calling itself love or self-respect or Compassion or empathy for what it is self esteem and with that will come better self-assurance right the termination of insufferable indecisiveness and the wherewithal to just do something make a difference prove like boss had that I'm the most qualified person to do anything everything life puts in my pathway true for you too by the way and with that I wish you a happy weekend signing off leonarda

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