Full Transcript for Absolutely Everything Is Feminism’s Fault!

Perry. We've had her on No Filter. She is a journal and author. Deborah Francis White and Erica Kommissar. I'll tell you a little bit about who they are too. They were chosen for this debate, I think for their quite specific feminist positions. Louise is very anti sex positive culture. She's very convincing on why she thinks that's been very bad for women. Deborah is a pretty straightforward, like liberal second wave feminist. Really, she's the host of the Guilty Feminist podcast and books, and she's worried about creeping puritanical values. Right and Erica's area of expertise, apparently, Jesse has thoughts is childhood development and attachment. She has a very traditional view about early parenthood. So we're basically discussing sex, mothering, and work. What could possibly go wrong? My first question is why, because we're seeing I feel like we're seeing quite a lot of this around at the minute. Like Piers Morgan had a feminist debate reach. 00:05:50 Speaker 1: This is the second feminist debate I've watched against your will because I watched, against my will of high profile men bringing in the ladies with opposing views to argue. And before we get into it, I was kind of resistant to doing this as a segment because I reject the premise of debating feminism. If you believe that feminism is about women having equal rights to men, are we actually debating that? I agree with the point of it. It just feels very clickbaity rage baity. 00:06:21 Speaker 2: That's why I want to prosecute why right, because I'm seeing a lot of this around at the minute, and it's very YouTube stock standard at the minute to get a trad wife and get a second wave feminist and get them to biff on about stuff like debating feminism, which again to me, me or I feel a bit like you do, Like I thought that was kind of sortid is hot right now? 00:06:40 Speaker 1: Yeah? Like, are we going to give back the vote? Are we debating whether we should stop wearing pants or having access to our own bank accounts? What actually are we debating? Fair? 00:06:47 Speaker 2: And why Jesse? Why are we seeing it all over everywhere? 00:06:50 Speaker 3: I actually think this is an important exercise and I found it interesting, if not at times in raging, and I disagreed with a lot of it. I agreed with some of it, but a social movement like feminism, which has evolved over time and has had multiple waves and involved so many different demographics and is now facing very modern problems. There was a point made early in the podcast about how some women have felt bullied by feminism, and they kind of talked about this maternal feminism being a way to address a gap that's existed in a lot of feminist theory, which is that they've not quite known what to do with motherhood. In order to get women into the workplace, I had to devalue motherhood to an extent. And so what's happened as a result is that women who find themselves making the choice to stay at home or by necessity or whatever it is, have gravitated towards whether it's the you know, child wife phenomenon or conservatism, because that's the only place that like they. 00:07:49 Speaker 1: Feel valued honors what they do. 00:07:52 Speaker 3: And I think that that is dangerous in a problem. 00:07:56 Speaker 1: I agree. I mean, I think that in some ways feminism has really I shouldn't say feminism has done a bad job of selling the message. But if people think that feminism is about all women should work and not be home, and that somehow women who's stay home with children and lower down on the leaderboard of what it means to be a good woman or a good feminist than women who work outside the home, that's certainly not how I see feminism. 00:08:19 Speaker 2: Yeah, I reject that that's what feminism thinks. 00:08:21 Speaker 3: I think that the reason why we're having debates about feminism right now is because probably in the twenty tens. I think there was probably a bit of overall progress, right. We remember Beyonce with the feminist behind her, and then there was the Me Too movement, which was like this enormous kind of cultural conversation, and experts and like sociologists and anthropologists will often say that what happens is that when you make strides, there is inevitably a backlash. There is then like an analysis of what just happened, and I think we're probably in that moment now. I also think that at the intersection, and Louise Perry said this, and I thought it was very true of technology and the economy forcing a renegotiation of like gender norms and what the role of men are and what the role of women are. And that feels quite urgent right now, Like we saw with adolescents, I think it's a really urgent conversation about young boys and about women working in childcare. That's another conversation that's like very very urgent. And I think that probably the. 00:09:24 Speaker 1: Well, you say it's urgent, but it's as Hollywood always reminds us, women have worked since the beginning of time. Working class women have always worked. Women have had the opportunity to work pretty much since the Second World War and particularly in the last generation. I just don't understand what we're debating. 00:09:42 Speaker 3: We've seen it in government in Australia recently, and I know that it's happening around the world too, is like childcare subsidies, things like that, whether women want the childcare subsidies or whether they want maternity leave. And in the US, I think that was it was interesting, right because two were from the UK and one was from the US, and I thought we're arguing different things here because you come from different contexts well. 00:10:01 Speaker 2: And also I think you could argue that in the particularly in the US, at the minute, it feels kind of urgent women's rights are being rolled. 00:10:07 Speaker 3: Back, so that quite literally, Yeah. 00:10:09 Speaker 2: My feeling about this because I'm seeing everywhere and I feel like we're being tricked, right,

because all of those things are so real, and questions about how we pay for childcare, whether we even shoued or you know, all of those things are really important. But it feels to me that at the moment, feminism is the current scapegoat for everything that's wrong with the world. Right, so men and loneliness and depression. Definitely, feminism's fault. Higher rates of anxiety and mental health issues going on in young people, Feminism's fault. Definitely. There's a woman on this table, not on this table, Stephen Bartlett's table, Erica, who thought there was a very direct link between kids not having mothers at home in their early years and anxiety and depression, an increasingly pornographically addicted culture and all the associated problems with that. Definitely feminism's fault. More single people, falling birth rates, feminism's fault. Divorce obviously, feminism's fault. Devaluing of motherhood, feminism's fault. And it's like, all of those things are real, but whose fault they are is the most complicated question, so it has nothing in this model. This Stephen Bartlett likes saying to that, and I'm not necessarily blaming him, He's an interesting guy, but saying, you know, do you think it's women's fault that men are anxious and lonely or that men don't feel they have a place anymore? Like it's convenient that we're not asking bigger, more complicated questions that aren't a sexy for podcast headlines, because a lot of this has to do with the changing nature of the economy, and the fact that a lot of traditional jobs that men used to do don't exist anymore. A lot of this has to do with technology, a lot of this has to do with capitalism, a lot of this has to do with social media, and the people benefiting from most of those things are men, and the most powerful people in the world are still men. So it feels like a trick that we're all being blamed because we're greedy, feminine. 00:11:58 Speaker 3: And it's also like we're going to get the three women on to fix it when I think that the two biggest things that you just touched on there. One is the declining birth rate. I think that is a panic that is happening all over the world right now where people are going, we are not at replacement rate, and that is an actual issue. So we need women to have more bab And I don't think it is feminism's fault. I think that it's an economic story. 00:12:19 Speaker 1: Well, hang on, it actually is because if women don't have equal rights and they don't get to choose whether they leave their husbands or have jobs, or get paid the same amount, or use or use contraception, or have access to abortion, they are going to stay home and have more babies because I have no choice. 00:12:39 Speaker 3: Well, I think it's also something having a baby is something that women do with men, so to me, that's a relational conversation. And the other thing that I think is a really big one is cost of living and the fact that you needed two income household in order to afford

a house. There was a comment that was like, look, maybe if families would just not buy the. 00:12:57 Speaker 1: Holiday house then go to Europe so much. 00:13:00 Speaker 3: Exactly, and it's like, no, no, no, You've got two full time working parents who are going how are we going to get the childcare done? Who are then choosing care or whatever they need to and then they're being like double shamed for that. And I just need a moment on Erica Commissar because as someone who exists on Instagram and TikTok, she is stalking me, She's everywhere, she is popping up all of the time, and she says deliberately inflammatory things. And I almost didn't want to repeat it on this podcast because I think that it is so upsetting to mothers in particular, but also fathers. Sending your child to childcare is a day orphanage, which is a contradiction in terms that actually doesn't even make sense. 00:13:43 Speaker 1: Very inflammatory. 00:13:44 Speaker 3: It's so inflammatory, And what I want to say about it is that she is looking at correlation and causation. She's looking at ADHD and kids and mental health issues, and she's going, well, daycare, it has to be that you're putting them in the care of strangers and they're all screaming and they're all upset, and she's saying that as a psychoanalyst. She's sitting there as a psychoanalyst. But I don't think that's where it's coming from. And I've said on this podcast before, I'm happy for research to be unpopular, and sometimes it is, and I think that's important. I went deep because I went if there is a paper that is proving that sending your child to childcare is causing attachment issues which then results in ADHD, that's massive, like we should absolutely be talking about that. It doesn't exist, like it genuinely is not evidence based. And she comes from a very Christian conservative background, which is fine. 00:14:33 Speaker 1: She calls herself a maternal feminist, so she says she believes in women having choices, but that they should forego some of those choices when they have children. That the needs of the child, should you surp any. 00:14:46 Speaker 3: And she'll say something that is evidence based, and then she'll say some truth in that, but then she'll throw out a word like narcissism, as though the narcissism of mothers. She's saying, you know, you have a baby, and then you want to go on a holiday and leave the baby. I'm like, who who's leaving the baby? Like, you don't think that you can still be a primary caregiver while having, you know, someone else, Like it's Eric, I pushed. 00:15:09 Speaker 2: A lot of my buttons. Unsurprisingly, I'm trying to remain calmt because the thing that's really interesting about this kind of just asking questions debate, right because you know, I said my thing before about how I think we're being tricked a bit in a sort of culture war that's trying to make young women in particular feel that they've been tricked somehow by feminism and that a simpler, happier life would be one where they had fewer choices. We see that a lot. That's tradwife stuff. We look at it a lot. But the reason why this kind of debate is really interesting is I was listening to Erica and I was thinking about my son, and I was thinking about how I went back to work pretty early and we did put him in childcare quite young because of various circumstances. And then I'm going, oh, is that why? Maybe that's why this, this and this, Maybe that's it. And then it pushes by buttons. I'm like, oh, yeah, she must be right. I'm a terrible person. And then you know what I mean, it immediately starts to eternalize. And the thing is that why this stuff is tricky is that these three smart women who are good at arguing, and they were all good at arguing, got through all the sort of push button issues all the way from should a man open a door for a woman like who gives a shit honestly? Through to staying at home through to pornography, all these things, and they're really engaging interesting discussions, but it all seems to just end up back on women's laps. Whether it's whether or not my kid, you know, has particular issues because I went back to work, or whether women are being violently abused in the name of pornography and it's because women are too sexually liberated. It all ends up back on our laps. 00:16:38 Speaker 1: Yeah, I was interested in because it wasn't just about motherhood. There was a lot about sex, and particularly that's Louise Perry's area of interest. And she's written about how hook up culture has been really great for men but not good for women because generally women are more inclined to want emotional connection and be very unsatisfied and devalued and suffer from low self esteem and all of those things through casual sex, and that she believes that women should only have sex with someone after they're engaged, which is interesting because that means that everyone's marrying the first person they have sex with, right, presuming that engagement leads to marriage. And she was also saying, as was Erica, they kept talking about too much choice, and we do know that if people are given too much choice, they get paralyzed, they don't know what to do. People do prefer less choice. But they both kept talking about there needs to be more rules and more structure, and I kept sort of shouting at the phone, just like, but what do you mean? Do you mean that women shouldn't be allowed to have sex with men unless they were engaged? Do you mean that women shouldn't be allowed to work until their children were three years old, Like, what are you actually saying? 00:17:56 Speaker 3: The point I thought was strong on that, and I heard it by a very liberal feminist said in a podcast recently which she referred to something I'm gonna bungle it, but it was something like the relief of responsibility or the relief of duty. 00:18:09 Speaker 1: So let's get the government and men to make rules for us, because I don't. 00:18:12 Speaker 3: Know much

better what she was talking about. She was talking about when you're in a position where your life so for example, let's say you have a job, there is actually some relief to knowing where to go every day, to having structure in your life. And for men, it's like there is relief in knowing what the role of a dad is and that the role of a dad is not to leave and go and sleep with one hundred women on the weekend. Like humans actually really like being responsible to other people. And that's what I think is strong in it that you go okay in terms of community. I see men that I young, men that I know, and women I suppose that are in this state of not quite knowing what their job is or what their role is, or who they're responsible to or how they should spend their time, and that doesn't mean they should be forced. 00:19:00 Speaker 1: So you're saying that there's something to be said for gender roles and throwing them out. That's actually agree with that. 00:19:05 Speaker 3: That's actually not so much about gender roles. I think it's just about responsibility to other people, and I'm allergic to sort of a hyper hyper individualized models, which I think is again nothing true with feminism and everything to capitalism is I think that there is something important about being beholden and responsible to other people. I think it makes us feel safer. 00:19:27 Speaker 2: For sure. But you know, there's a lot of things said in this conversation and many conversations like this, that were really true and interesting and worth turning over. But the way that it just keeps coming back to, we need some very specific rules about it, you know, because even when they're talking about gender roles and parenting, of course there are differences between men and women. Of course, there are all those things. The way that they were talking about it completely ignored the whole idea that men have also benefited a lot from these roles being blurred, which they have. Yes, I see and know so many fathers who get an enormous amount of joy and pleasure out of being the kind of involved parent that doesn't necessarily mean they're stay at home twenty four to seven Paris that they didn't get, you know what I mean, Like, when you've got the very very rigid view that women do the caring and men do the providing and that's it. It doesn't only put all of the onus of caring and all of the work associated with that on women unpaid, but it also robs men of all the joys of it because they are literally removed from the family unit and their only job is to bring home the meat. And it's kind of like, don't we all kind of instinctively know that a bit of everything is good and that also some people are more suited to this and some people are more suited to that, and you can work it out in a familial way. 00:20:48 Speaker 3: And that kind of fifties and I think there is something maybe particularly in the US model of a wife and a husband was not utopia, Like it was really really toxic in a lot of ways. 00:20:59 Speaker 1: Well that I want to touch on that for a second, because one of Louise Perry's points about hookup culture is so terrible and monogamy is the best state for women. I think that there is some truth in that. I think that she was saying that women are particularly young women, are being sold this idea that it's really liberating to have attachment free sex, to sleep with a different person every night, to be on the apps, to not have relationships, but to just have sex. And there will always be some people that that is good for, and of course everybody should be able to choose. But I do agree that if we are trying to convince women to be ashamed that they want to get married or ashamed somehow they're letting the side down, or they're not a feminist because they want a boyfriend, or they want to be monogamous and casual sex isn't their thing. I do think that it's important again, both options are really. 00:21:53 Speaker 2: But as Deborah said in this is that I don't think that is what young women are being told. You still see overwhelmingly that the ideal that they are being told is to get married, and overwhelmingly we're excited about engagements and weddings and relationships. I think that all of this is about people being allowed to make choices that work for them, and for a very very long time, women were shamed in all kinds of ways for being sexual in any way, you know what I mean, and that so it's I don't know. I just think we shouldn't even though we just have to a point. I don't think we should allow ourselves to be tricked into this idea. As you started off by saying here that feminism is up for debate and that feminism is the cause of all the problems of the world, and just a few more podcasts round tables about it where we get to say things like are feminists responsible for all the angry men? Is like really going to solve it out, louders. 00:22:45 Speaker 1: I have strong feelings about this season of the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders, which is brought to you by spraytnds and gas lighting. We're going to be unpacking it after this break out, Louders. We've got a listener dilemma, and we need your collective wisdom to help us and our partners YUWI to solve it. Here is the problem. I'm thirty three, child free by choice, and I have a close friend Sarah Sarah who has two young kids aged four and seven. We've been mates for over a decade, but lately I'm dreading whenever she asks to come over to my place. When she brings her kids over, it honestly is chaos. They touch everything, leave sticky fingerprints on my white walls, jump on my furniture, and last time one of them broke a ceramic VARs that had sentimental value. Sarah barely supervises them and just says kids will be kids. I've tried suggesting we meet at Park's kid friendly cafes or her place, but she always has excuses her house is too messy or she needs a change of scenery. I think she genuinely doesn't realize how stressful it is for me. I love Sarah

and I don't want to lose our friendship, but I'm starting to resent her visits. Am I being unreasonable? How do I have this conversation without sounding like I hate children? So the question is, if you've got friends like this and she asks to come over, what do you do next? 00:23:58 Speaker 3: Jesse Stevens, the children are not coming to your home anymore. You are not obliged to have those children in your home. I don't think I totally get it. It's like you are just waiting for them to push over a vase or break the tell vision and then things get really, really awkward. I think you've got to keep pushing the park. Go to the places where they jump on the trampolines and they break their arms. Go do that. 00:24:17 Speaker 1: It's unpopular opinion. I don't like seeing my girlfriends with their children. I don't have. 00:24:22 Speaker 3: Someone in that stage. 00:24:23 Speaker 2: Yeah, it's unavoidable, that's not true nighttime, but you haven't always got a babysitter like it is unavoidable. But I think that Sarah in this instance isn't being a very good friend, because you can tell, unless you're completely unself aware, you can tell if you take your kids to someone's house whether they're happy for them to be there or not, or if they are in a state of anxiety and moving things out of the whale. Time I find was Sarah, I wouldn't take my kids around. 00:24:46 Speaker 1: So what do you say to Sarah. I've got an idea. Don't have a big conversation about how you never want to do it anymore. You've just got to take each thing as it comes. And there's always a reason. I'm so sorry the cleaners are going to be here today. I've got a trade here. There's always a reason. And then there just keeps being reasons. 00:25:04 Speaker 3: Buy a dog that bites people and be like, I'm so sorry my dog bite your children. 00:25:10 Speaker 2: I think MEA's ideas are slightly better today. 00:25:12 Speaker 1: Out loud as what would you do next? Share your thoughts in the Mama Mea out Loud Facebook group, and if you have a dilemma, send it to us at out loud at mammamea dot com dot are you, We'd love to help you. 00:25:24 Speaker 3: There was a story in the Good Weekend Over the Weekend called date Night Dressing. Taylor Swift makes an effort, and so can we. The writer Damien will Know says, it reminds your loved one of their initial attraction to you and proves to you that you can still flirt with fashion. 00:25:40 Speaker 1: So getting dressed up? 00:25:41 Speaker 3: Yes? Now, Maya, you know how to describe clothes better than I do. 00:25:45 Speaker 2: I do? 00:25:45 Speaker 3: Can you please describe in this audio medium, yea, what Taylor Swift looks like on date night? 00:25:52 Speaker 2: Go out? They seem to do date night quite a lot. 00:25:55 Speaker 1: Yeah, whenever they're outside together, they're photographed, and they do go out to dinner a lot, either with other couples or just together, and they are always dressed up. But then Travis is always dressed up because he's a man who likes fashion tailors like a. 00:26:09 Speaker 3: Fun, jaunty little hat he does. 00:26:11 Speaker 1: It really was interesting that this. I didn't see this story over the weekend, but I was actually looking at some of the pictures of Taylor and Travis because they were out again last week, and I was thinking, to myself, God, she makes an effort heels. She's always wearing heels. She was wearing a flippy little skirt. She's wearing the millennial equivalent of Holly's jeans and a nice top. So what jeans and a nice top were for gen x, Millennial dressing is like a flippy little skirt, a nice little tight top, and either ankle boots or heels. 00:26:43 Speaker 3: And you said she never wears trainers, and I said, to you or trackies. She dresses like a millennial. And I can say that because I'm a millennial. That is how I'm millennial coded. We millennials dresser. 00:26:54 Speaker 1: And he dresses like it's always very coordinated. He loves fashion, and NFL players in America really do. It's very different like footy players in Australia who do just turn up in the team track seat or their Stubbicks or whatever. But in a Merica, it's like a lot of them are fashion plates. They have contracts, they're sponsored by big fashion housards, so they'll wear like a full Louis Vouton outfit, and he likes matching things. 00:27:21 Speaker 2: I have thoughts about date night dressing because when I saw that headline about datelight dressing, I was like, yes, because I'm in a long term relationship. We've been together for twenty years. It's a long time, right, and if we're going out on a date night, we do have date nights, and it's usually just a pop trivia which no one's dressing up for. But if we were going out for Travison Taylor type dinner, yeah, I would want Brent to dress up, and I would have quite specific thoughts about what I would like him to wear. However, if you turn that lens on me and went and this isn't true because he couldn't give a shit, But let's imagine Brent likes you in heels. I like you in heels, wear heels for me, you know what I mean? I would feel icky about that, right, like I know couples who he'll say, I love it when you wear skirts, wear more skirts. Right now, that's all the same thing as me in a way, or is it? This is what I want me to tell me, as me saying to Brent, babe that shirt? 00:28:19 Speaker 1: No? 00:28:20 Speaker 2: Can we can we please wear something that because I do want him to look as if he's made an effort. And very often when you see a typical couple out on a date in an ordinary kind of place, very often she'll be quite dressed up and he will not. 00:28:34 Speaker 3: And that's why you're allowed to tell him to put on a nice. 00:28:37 Speaker 2: So am I? So that's my question? Yeah, there are their gender rules about date night dressing. 00:28:41 Speaker 3: I think so because the women are so often setting the standard, like women aren't feminists going in a stained shirt that smells a bit

funny, like women generally aren't. But on Taylor, I think por Taylor, right, I often think about I feel sorry for Taylor because she doesn't have the privilege of going out in their truckies. 00:29:00 Speaker 2: You could go in the back door. 00:29:01 Speaker 3: She's gonna be photographed. And also, as you say, Hollie, she's going to a Michelon Star restaurant, which we're not. We're going to the local pub. So I can wear my active wear to the local pub. 00:29:09 Speaker 1: But Taylor enjoys it. Clearly you can tell she's someone who likes playing with clothes, who likes wearing clothes. 00:29:15 Speaker 2: So is it okay to want your partner to dress up for date night? 00:29:19 Speaker 1: I think it's not about what they're wearing. I think that the desire you have for them to dress up is not about their clothes. It's about making an effort for you, as you said exactly. It's making an efforts you exactly, and it's saying I care what you think of me. That's why I have this conversation with my partner a lot about if there's something that he wears that I particularly don't like, he should not wear it because which I agree with, it'll wear the other way around. I mean, he doesn't really comment on my clothes except goodness, which is the correct. 00:29:53 Speaker 2: Response Jason and everyone else. 00:29:56 Speaker 1: Exactly. And you say, well, like, who do we dress for? And that's what this gets to the bottom of who do we dress for? When you are going on a date or a date night. Who are you actually dressing for? When you go to someone's wedding or someone's engagement or or someone's birthday party? Who were you dressing for? Are you signaling to them? I care about you, and I have tried hard with my clothes out of respect to you, because I'm acknowledging that this is special and I want to look a bit special for you. 00:30:23 Speaker 3: I think too that and this is a fashion word that I'm starting to try to use. It elevates how you feel. So I go. We very rarely go on date nights, but we went, you know, a little while ago for an anniversary. And it's like, I like the idea that you put on a like local will put on a fragrance or like you're kind of I don't know, shave dressing it exactly. 00:30:44 Speaker 2: Let it feels special. Yeah. 00:30:46 Speaker 3: And then when I'm sitting there, it's not about whether or not he thinks I look pretty, but it's more me sitting there going I feel like this occasion is special. 00:30:56 Speaker 1: That I'm to take for granted, because I want to know you're not taking me for granted. The thing that's different for me, I suppose in my relationship is that I get dressed up for work, and I have this weird thing in my bad. If I'm not going to work, I'm not getting dressed up so I will never get dressed up to go, which is so weird. Like when I'm out in public, I'm not a Taylor Swift, but when I'm out in public or going to a restaurant or whatever, I will wear trackies and I will wear trainers, and I will wear no makeup or if I'm going out on the weekend or whatever, because to me, getting dressed up signals. 00:31:33 Speaker 2: Work, and maybe the intimacy if you were doing that on a date night is like this is me, like real me, you know what I mean, Like not real you, but like a version of you that only you get to see you. 00:31:45 Speaker 1: Often, when you're in a long term relationship, you will get dressed up to go to work, to go and see friends, to do whatever, and then the time that you can let it all hang out is at home. So there are many cases that your partner will only see you dressed like that, and so sometimes it's nice to remind them. 00:32:01 Speaker 3: They yeah, that's why, Like going to a wedding together is nice or something like that. But the other night, I was putting on earnks because I was going to see some friends, and Luca was like, how are you putting on it? I haven't seen you in earrings for months. I have a waste an earring on Luca. 00:32:15 Speaker 2: But also you have a toddler who would pulled the. 00:32:17 Speaker 3: Yeah, exactly right. I'm like these are for me because I'm going out with some friends and I feel like I'll feel better if I have them on. But the idea of getting dressed up for each other, I think that there are also other ways to show intimacy. 00:32:28 Speaker 2: As you say after the break, We've got recommendations and I have something I need to share with the group out louders. 00:32:34 Speaker 1: If you want to listen to us every day of the week, you can get access to exclusive segments on Tuesdays and Thursdays by becoming a Mum and Me a subscriber. Follow the link in the show notes to subscribe and support us. And a big thank you to all our current subscribers. 00:32:52 Speaker 2: So I have something I need to share with the group. I need a bit of counseling from my girls. So I'm about to go on a big holiday, which is very exciting. I have been planning saving for this holiday for born the year. We're going on a family holiday. We're going to see my family right and then go on holiday together with them will be great. 00:33:10 Speaker 1: When you think about that, do you say we're going home or you don't say? Think about it like that. 00:33:14 Speaker 2: I do. I will say I'm going home, and then when I'm there, I'll say I'm going home. Do you know what I mean? 00:33:19 Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, back to Australia. 00:33:21 Speaker 2: Yeah. But the thing that I need to share with the group is at the age I am. I've only just realized in the in the last few days literally of planning this holiday, that I am no longer a child. And what I mean by that is, I've obviously lived away from my parents for a very long time. I've lived more of my adult life here than I lived in Britain. I'm you know, this is my home, and so I've had years and decades of family visits either just me or me and Brent and then me and the kids, but like we haven't been over there together for six years and over all those decades. When I go

home, it's something of an event, Like you get to the airport and the family will be there and they're excited to see you, and Mum will have organized that there's going to be a dinner and everybody's organized for. 00:34:02 Speaker 1: Like the prodigal daughter. 00:34:03 Speaker 3: You will get to your daughter. 00:34:05 Speaker 2: And it's like your favorite marm things in the fridge and whatever. Right, you're being a child in a way like when you go home, you get to be a child again, don't you. And I was realizing that this life stage that I'm in, and so many of my friends are in, and I know so many outlouders are in, you know, this time, my parents have kind of crossed a bit of a rubicon in terms of their age and what they can do. So it's much more like we'll try and get a taxi to come to the airport if we can. And I'm like, please don't, please, don't worry about that. It's okay because they don't drive anymore because my mom isn't doing all the like social organizing that you used to do. Then like my brother's a bit like, oh, I think I've got to work, but I'll come around, like And the thing is is, I'm not upset about that in terms of like, oh, why won't they make an effort? But it all just suddenly dawned on me in that way. The age sometimes does that, like an era is over, you know what I mean. And now when I go back home in inverted commas, it's more about what could I do to help them, and I've got to organize everything, which is fine, but do you know what I mean, it's kind of emotion. It's really kind of hit me that something has really shifted in all of this and it will never be like that again. I will never go back to Manchester again and be my mom and Dad's house in the way that I was for thirty years. Like I will never have those airport experiences again with my little niece and nephew. I will never I don't know, it's a lot. 00:35:28 Speaker 3: Yeah, I've heard people describe it as you'll go there and you've been an adult for a while, but you're going to be the grown up now, like you're the grown up in that situation. That's like the level of responsibility for everyone and the caring role has shifted. And I think that as well, like you probably feel the passage of time more acutely because you have those gaps, And I think that you notice change more when you see someone every single day. You don't notice the change as obviously as when you get there and you go oh, because. 00:35:58 Speaker 1: It's not incremental and what you just described whole. Is it's a last that you didn't realize was a last. You think there's going to be I mean, you know logically there going to be in summers that time will match on and things will change. But it's very clear in the sand. It's not that it's a little bit different. It's like, ah, okay, so this is a different chapter. Yeah, And it's not even from what you're saying. It's not even a dramatic chapter like Thank heavens, no one's died. There's no terrible illness. It's more just And that's why I

think you can often not notice it, particularly if you live close to your parents and you see them more often. You'll only become aware of it when there is a big drama like they fall or something will happen. But this is a really distinct line in the sand where you have to change identities and. 00:36:49 Speaker 2: Is it's really interesting, it's really and there's grief in that. It makes you think about you know, I've been so lucky in that for We've had, you know, a couple of decades of my parents coming to visit me and us having all these wonderful holidays together, you know, like really great We've been to Tasmania and we've been to the Barrier Reef, and we've spent lots of summers in Sydney and they's been glorious and it's done. That is really like, it's just it's just a jolt, you know. And now I'm thinking, like in practical terms, I'm like, Okay, I've got four days at Manchester with my teenagers. What am I going to do it? Because normally I don't know, do you know what I mean? Like, it's just it's like this shift and it's yeah, anyway, most of. 00:37:26 Speaker 3: The time you don't say the last until it's in retrospect. And even if you knew it was a last, how would you savor it? Like are any of us truly able to savor anything in the moment. It's like you just look back and there's such nostalgia and grief and like a bit of sadness in that. 00:37:41 Speaker 1: It's really interesting because you know that pressure that mothers of young kids talk about when older women will say, savor every second it goes by so fast. Now as we're at the age when our friends are losing parents, I don't know if you are whole, But I'm also getting that spend every moment you can oh your parents, and I do. 00:38:01 Speaker 2: And I have to say, I know this sounds like throat clearing, but I also have to say, like, I know how lucky I am that I can still go and visit my parents right there are because we're are as you say me, we're in the era. I've got so many good friends who are literally losing their parents right now, but you're right there. Pressure that, the pressure of that, of making it count, and also it's very brings into sharp focus the loss that is around the corner. 00:38:23 Speaker 1: If it's there, we wish you well on your trip. We're going to miss you. 00:38:28 Speaker 2: Before helping me, you. 00:38:29 Speaker 3: Should tell you you need to tell the out louders how long you're going to be. I'm going to put in their dowry. 00:38:33 Speaker 2: I'm away for three weeks, but you're going to get the wonderful, wonderful filling hosts that we have here. I just like to call them that. 00:38:40 Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Leicester. 00:38:43 Speaker 2: If anyone came to the live shows, you know, there's a little tension between them and Amelia about who gets to be the lead filling. So that'll be fun to watch. Vibes ideas, something casual, something fun. 00:38:56 Speaker 3: This is my best recommendation. 00:38:59 Speaker 1: Before you go, though, We've got one more segment, which is recommendations. We've got some things to tell you to watch and see. I'm going to go first. Did you guys watch season one of the I was Cowboy Cheerleaders America Sweetheart. 00:39:11 Speaker 3: I loved it. 00:39:12 Speaker 2: It was a huge cultural moment. 00:39:15 Speaker 3: Do we need to take the dance to the second? I haven't started, but I need to know if I need to watch this. 00:39:19 Speaker 1: You know, it depends. I mean, I really like season one. Season two is different in that there's a lot more about the auditions. Look top line, not a lot happens. I like the auditions, yeah, but the auditions and training camp is really sorry should say more. Training camp is really stretched out, and that whole thing about who gets cut from training camp stretch stretch, stretch, stretch. So that takes up about, you know, two thirds of the series. At least, it's a bit of a quieter season. There's less drama. 00:39:50 Speaker 2: We're a part of each other's lives forever. 00:39:53 Speaker 1: You know what we're going to do each other's wedding. You're like, when we make this team, we're gonna make it together because we're such good friends, but then it doesn't always end up like that. We are really excited that there's a lot of new girls. Every year. The talent just gets better and better and better. I'd say there's less laughs. I mean, you're more familiar, obviously with all the care all, particularly with the structure, and you know, the coaches and the choreographers and stuff. 00:40:26 Speaker 3: Some of our girls come back, do I know. 00:40:28 Speaker 1: Reese comes back with her now husband, but she's really minor role. And you see Victoria, remember Victoria who left. You only see her for like five minutes in the last episode, so she's gone. There's a lot of veterans, so people who were in the team last season but weren't featured players in the series. I suppose the main person there's two main people in this season. One is Shandy, who becomes a new sort of team leader and there's drama with her which I won't spoil. And the other is Jada, who's a five year vet I think Chandi is also a five year VETT. They've both been in the team for a long time, but they sort of particularly Jada steps up into this leadership role around pay and what's extraordinary. 00:41:09 Speaker 3: Is this is famis destroying everything exactly. 00:41:12 Speaker 1: Remember there was a whole big thing last time about they were getting paid not even livable wage, and they all had to work two or three other jobs, even though the Dallas Cowboys players were getting paid tens of millions of dollars, some of them in their contracts, so it was very much seen as this little sort of part time job. And even despite all of that pushback, they started this season and it's actually the twenty twenty four season without any pay increase after all of that, and they make this big show of showing on the show all of the perks that they get.

But the irony is that all the perks are like sponsored, so it doesn't cost the company anything, but it's like free botox and free press on nails and free you can't pay your rent with free botimes. And it's all the stuff that they need to meet these impossibly high understandards. And there are these extraordinary scenes with them working these incredible hours. Some of the work forty hours a week. Some weeks they work and then they come home and they have to scrub their own uniforms with toothbrushes to get the fake tan and the makeup out of them, because their uniforms don't even get clean. 00:42:13 Speaker 2: Do you think, like, because when the first season of this dropped, even though there have been reality shows that this was the subject of few years, it was such a smash hit and we all were talking about it because we were looking into a world we didn't know. And then the second season we know the world. So it's a bit less interesting. 00:42:29 Speaker 1: But I'd say that's probably the case. And it's interesting because I talked about gas lighting earlier, this whole theme of getting out of your head, like some of the girls are sort of psyching themselves out and can they perform properly? But then also what's in their head is, hang on, shouldn't they be paid more? And you know, as they said, the world was telling them, you fight for more money. But then the Dallas Cowboys administration are all saying, oh, but you know, your full time job that you have to do, that's what makes you interesting, that's what people love about you. And they also say, but we had to work full time jobs. Yeah, And so there's a lot of this gas lighting that what these women are asking for, they're being made to feel really ashamed and uncomfortable and as if if you really love dancing, you should be grateful for this. 00:43:14 Speaker 3: Time, and there's another girl who will do it for that prime. 00:43:16 Speaker 2: I thought I was going to watch it as escapism, am I, we're going to watch it for us escapism or we're not really escaping much. 00:43:21 Speaker 1: You can watch it for escapism because the stakes are really low. 00:43:24 Speaker 3: Great, I just need to say some high kicks. 00:43:26 Speaker 1: Yeah, no, all of that's good. 00:43:27 Speaker 2: Yeah, still okay, good. 00:43:28 Speaker 1: So if you do want to watch, it is on Netflix now and you can binge all the episodes they've all dropped. 00:43:33 Speaker 3: I'm going to be cheeky and throw in a recommendation for two quick things. The first is my sister Claire, Steven's friend of the podcast. You can pre order her book, and I don't think I've mentioned that on this podcast. 00:43:44 Speaker 1: Novel. 00:43:44 Speaker 3: She has a novel coming out and it's called The Worst Thing I've Ever done is coming out in October. And I know I'm biased, So it's like I can tell you that it's really good, but it is if you read it. I have read it, and I only got to read it at the very end. I didn't get to read it as a work in progress intense, but yes, it is unlike anything I've ever read. And while it's about the intensity and the cruelty of online pylons, and Claire writes about that with an a curacy that is so unique because of how she's spoken to people who have experienced it and had tastes of it herself, it also has this profound level of depth. It's about the selves that we invent on the internet. It's about what we forgive each other for in real life as opposed to what we punish each other for online. And it's one of those books that will change you. You will have a very different perspective by the end. And I just promise you it is going to be big. And the thing about pre orders, We've talked about this before. If you pre order a book, you're sending a message to the industry, which is a bloody hard industry that you're interested in, that people want to buy this book, and it's a really important part of the process. So you can buy it on bigw or book Topier or wherever. And it is out in October. And she also has a substack, which is it's brilliant. She wrote a great piece called Vulnerable Chat about exercise. Recently, she also wrote about being in your mid thirties without botox. There are just really interesting essays that she's writing. And I know how many out louders love Clare's work, so her substantiautiful. It's called NQR or not quite right. We'll have a link in the show notes. You're going to love the book and you'll love her writing. 00:45:18 Speaker 2: My main recommendation is a book by Deborah Oswald. Now some of you will know who Deborah Oswald is. Me you certainly will. She wrote Offspring. She is a famous veteran Australian TV writer. She has written a book that I've been I have been meaning to read it for ages because I met her at a writerest thing I did and I was like, oh, I haven't read your book. But anyway, I did read it. You know, sometimes you kind of got to read something because you said you would read it, and then you're just like, oh my god, this is so great. Her new novel is called One hundred Years of Betty and it is a book from the perspective of a woman, an Australian woman who is about to turn a hundred and she is reflecting on her life, and it goes all the way back to when she was born in London before the Second World War, and then what happens to her. Think about like Forest Gumpen, you know how like a history told through one person's perspective. So she comes to us Tralia is a ten pound palm, you know. It goes through all these different social movements and things that have happened to her, but it is she is the most delicious character. I just wanted to all the time get back to hanging out with Betty. Like there's a feminist awakening to a point, but also just lots of really interesting relationship parts to it, motherhood written in ways that are just really refreshing. I love, love loved it. So it's a novel. It's got a great cover, and it's called One hundred Years of Betty and you will love it. And then I also just have to throw in because you've just told me that m Vernham has already recommended this. But Brent and I watched Sinners last weekend, which is a sort of blockbuster vampiary movie with a twist with Michael B. Jordan. It's made by the guy who made Black Panther and made Creed and which are not necessarily things I would watch, But then I watched this. It is the most original movie. It is so much fun, and just watch it. 00:46:57 Speaker 3: Where can I watch that? Because it was out at the movies and now I can watch her Home. 00:47:01 Speaker 2: Sinners is out. You have to still buy or rent it at this point. I think it's going to come to Max maybe but not yet. At the moment. You can buy a rent it on Apple or on Prime. And it's like, you know, people say, how can you tell a new story? 00:47:13 Speaker 1: Right? 00:47:13 Speaker 2: And it's a fat umpiate movie, so like how many times can tell the MYPI movie? The way you tell a new story is by telling it from a completely different perspective, and this is told from a Black Americans perspective. It's set in the thirties. It is great. It is sexy, it is fun, it is fresh. The music's fantastic. It is violent, but it is fun. Sinners it's great. 00:47:31 Speaker 1: I might watch that on the small screen because I don't. I can't watch those kinds of things on the big screen if they're scary, But the small screen I can look away. 00:47:39 Speaker 2: It's got some good female characters and the music. 00:47:41 Speaker 3: Is oh, that's all. 00:47:44 Speaker 2: We've got time. Oh that's been a big show, a big Friday show. Thank you to all of you out loud us for being here with us today. We're going to be back in your ears next week. Well, these guys will be at least Jesse and Mia read us out. 00:47:54 Speaker 3: A big thank you to our team group executive producer Ruth Devine, executive producer Emiline Gazillis. 00:48:00 Speaker 1: Lea Porgus is our audio producer, Josh Green is our video producer. Coco and Tessa are our junior content producers, and Mom and Mia studios are styled with furniture from Fenton and Fenton. Visit Fenton and Fenton dot com dot au. 00:48:14 Speaker 3: Before you go, we want to tell you about Yesterdays subscriber episode. Holly and Vernon and I helped too out louders through their dilemma. One had an inheritance dilemma revolving around a piece of jewelry, and meanwhile another is pregnant with her third baby and she's having some regrets. A link, as always will be in the show notes. 00:48:34 Speaker 1: Bon Voyage Hole. We'll see you in a few weeks. 00:48:37 Speaker 3: Enjoy it. 00:48:37 Speaker 2: We love you, bye too bye. 00:48:41 Speaker 3: Shout out to any MoMA Mea subscribers listening. If you love the show and you want to support us, subscribing to MoMA Mia is the very best way to do so. There's a link in the episode description