Full Transcript for #40: How to Develop Resilience and Emotional Regulation in Young Adults: What Parents Need to Know

00:05:18.959 --> 00:05:23.920 Exactly, which is which brings us into so many other things that I know we're going to talk about today. 00:05:24.480 --> 00:05:26.000 And I'm excited about it. 00:05:26.160 --> 00:05:26.399 Yeah. 00:05:26.639 --> 00:05:41.360 And the other thing about resilience that I want to stress is that some of the things that you described, okay, are more like personality traits or temperament, where resilience is a learned skill. 00:05:41.519 --> 00:05:41.839 Right. 00:05:42.000 --> 00:05:42.399 Right. 00:05:42.639 --> 00:05:49.279 And we can only become resilient when we are given the opportunity to fail. 00:05:49.519 --> 00:05:50.160 Correct. 00:05:50.399 --> 00:05:50.879 Correct. 00:05:51.040 --> 00:05:55.199 And a lot of a lot of this is a lot of this learning is through modeling. 00:05:55.759 --> 00:05:56.240 It is. 00:05:56.480 --> 00:05:56.639 Right. 00:05:56.959 --> 00:06:06.879 So, which is a burden, so to speak, to parents, because if a parent doesn't have this capacity for resilience, it's really hard to teach it. 00:06:07.199 --> 00:06:08.480 It is incredibly hard. 00:06:08.560 --> 00:06:16.480 And I know that you had, you wanted to talk a little bit about, you know, some of the parents' struggles, you know, what parents face. 00:06:16.560 --> 00:06:18.720 And so I know we're going to get into all of that. 00:06:19.040 --> 00:06:19.360 Yeah. 00:06:19.519 --> 00:06:24.720 But why do you think that developing resilience is so important for young adults today? 00:06:25.040 --> 00:06:40.240 I think that, you know, the reason that it's most important today is that today's young adults are really under so much more pressure and under so much more stress to perform, right? 00:06:40.720 --> 00:06:52.639 For excellence and perfection, then they have the component of social media where there's this crisis of comparison, where they're always looking at everyone else and saying, I'm not good enough. 00:06:52.879 --> 00:06:59.199 I'm I have didn't do it right, you know, I'm not getting that kind of recognition, likes or followers. 00:06:59.360 --> 00:07:01.519 So there's all eyes on us. 00:07:01.759 --> 00:07:02.079 Okay. 00:07:02.800 --> 00:07:09.279 And in today's, in today's world, we have to be able to problem solve. 00:07:09.600 --> 00:07:17.600 We have to be able to think critically about the things we're seeing on social media or hearing from our peers or whatever it may be. 00:07:18.000 --> 00:07:24.879 And we have to be able to tolerate, and this is such a huge part, uncertainty. 00:07:25.439 --> 00:07:28.800 We don't always know the path, right? 00:07:29.360 --> 00:07:34.720 And we spend so much time thinking that everyone has it better or easier than we do. 00:07:34.879 --> 00:07:38.639 Like, oh, it looks like they don't have any problems. 00:07:38.800 --> 00:07:40.240 Look how wonderful their life is. 00:07:40.399 --> 00:07:45.920 Look where they get to travel, look what car they drive, you know, um, look at all their friend group. 00:07:46.399 --> 00:07:52.879 When we're looking, like, for example, at social media, we have to remember these are just the highlights of somebody's life. 00:07:53.040 --> 00:07:54.639 It's not the whole story. 00:07:54.879 --> 00:08:06.240 So in today's society, resilience is important because, again, we have to be able to look at things critically and recognize that we're good enough, right? 00:08:06.639 --> 00:08:09.600 And that nothing is perfect, right? 00:08:09.759 --> 00:08:22.160 And that we have to face life's challenges with a lens of what are my options, you know, and how can I learn from my own mistakes? 00:08:22.319 --> 00:08:25.360 How can I tolerate not knowing what tomorrow brings? 00:08:25.519 --> 00:08:40.639 Right, you know, also resilience in today's society is this ability to be able to ask for help, to know that we don't have all the answers, and that not everybody is gonna like us, right? 00:08:40.960 --> 00:08:45.519 Our boss, our teacher, not everyone in our friend group, right? 00:08:46.000 --> 00:08:56.320 And we can't just recoil, you know, or avoid difficult or uncomfortable situations or situations where we don't know the outcome. 00:08:56.559 --> 00:09:00.159 And so resilience is really important for today's youth. 00:09:00.559 --> 00:09:04.879 So funny because I asked you about young adults, but everything you're saying right now is actually for everybody. 00:09:05.039 --> 00:09:07.360 Like it's for everybody, Shari. 00:09:07.919 --> 00:09:08.799 Yeah, yeah. 00:09:08.960 --> 00:09:15.600 Without resilience, I think I believe that our kids can get very easily overwhelmed and feel defeated. 00:09:15.679 --> 00:09:21.840 And and when they start feeling like that, that leads to anxiety, that leads to low self-esteem, and even to depression. 00:09:22.000 --> 00:09:32.960 So I think that resilience is is like that it gives you that kind of ability to manage all of that and avoid the pitfalls if you don't have it. 00:09:33.200 --> 00:09:42.480 It's important to recognize that not having resilience or not being as resilient, right, is not a weakness or a flaw. 00:09:42.720 --> 00:09:44.879 It's that we haven't learned it. 00:09:45.039 --> 00:09:47.039 We haven't been given opportunities. 00:09:47.120 --> 00:09:58.000 And we're going to talk about how parenting can enhance resilience and foster and build resilience, but it makes us feel less competent. 00:09:58.720 --> 00:09:59.039 Yeah. 00:09:59.279 --> 00:09:59.519 Right. 00:09:59.759 --> 00:10:01.519 To not have it, right? 00:10:01.840 --> 00:10:04.480 And it makes us feel vulnerable. 00:10:04.799 --> 00:10:05.200 Right. 00:10:05.360 --> 00:10:16.720 And when you do have a resilience, that that ability to handle things and bounce back, that life's challenges are just, they just feel much more uh manageable. 00:10:16.960 --> 00:10:24.960 And that's that's actually why I love resilience so much, because I believe that if once you develop your

resilience, and it is something that's like a lifetime. 00:10:28.720 --> 00:10:36.639 And when something happens to me, I've got to pool my resources and and and build and find that resilience again to work through something. 00:10:36.799 --> 00:10:40.720 But I love resilience because it does build self-confidence. 00:10:41.039 --> 00:10:42.399 It does, it does. 00:10:42.639 --> 00:10:48.399 And in truth, it's not about resilience, it's not about avoiding life challenges. 00:10:48.639 --> 00:10:53.840 It's not this doesn't bother me or I'm unaffected, right? 00:10:54.080 --> 00:10:58.000 It's wow, this has really rocked me. 00:10:58.159 --> 00:10:59.919 Now, how do I handle this? 00:11:00.080 --> 00:11:02.240 And it doesn't happen in a snap. 00:11:02.399 --> 00:11:06.320 It takes hours and days sometimes and weeks to bounce back. 00:11:06.480 --> 00:11:10.879 So we have to be, we have to show ourselves and each other a little bit of grace. 00:11:11.039 --> 00:11:11.200 Right. 00:11:11.440 --> 00:11:17.840 When it comes to a challenge or a difficulty, it doesn't mean bouncing back immediately, right? 00:11:18.080 --> 00:11:21.919 So we have to be respectful of the time that it takes. 00:11:22.159 --> 00:11:22.559 Right. 00:11:22.799 --> 00:11:33.120 So, what are some of the ways that you see in your practice that parents, we're going to get into parents now, unintentionally hold back their kids from developing resilience? 00:11:33.519 --> 00:11:40.480 It's not what parents are necessarily doing wrong, right? 00:11:40.879 --> 00:11:46.639 But there are struggles and there are things that parents can do to foster resilience. 00:11:47.120 --> 00:11:54.799 But I want to know what when you have a parent sitting in your practice and and they're holding their child back, what is it they're what is it they're doing? 00:11:54.960 --> 00:12:01.039 They don't mean to be doing that, but what is it that they're doing that's holding them back from developing that muscle of resilience? 00:12:01.200 --> 00:12:02.080 What do you see? 00:12:02.399 --> 00:12:06.399 They are rescuing them or fixing their problems. 00:12:06.639 --> 00:12:08.879 They are not letting them speak. 00:12:09.200 --> 00:12:11.360 They are correcting them. 00:12:11.519 --> 00:12:15.200 Like, no, no, no, honey, you know, that's not the right answer. 00:12:15.440 --> 00:12:15.759 Okay. 00:12:16.399 --> 00:12:28.799 Or they're when they notice their child is sad or angry or scared, they try and rescue them from the feeling, like the feeling is bad or wrong, right? 00:12:29.039 --> 00:12:33.440 And then the child freezes and begins to think, well, what's wrong with me? 00:12:33.519 --> 00:12:35.679 Or maybe I shouldn't express that. 00:12:36.080 --> 00:12:38.799 And they start to feel like a burden, right? 00:12:39.039 --> 00:12:44.159 Or they start to doubt themselves, and they in comes this like self-worth issue, right? 00:12:44.639 --> 00:13:09.039 So when parents try and, you know, or I notice all the time with parents, and I saw it yesterday with a family I was sitting with, every time the daughter started to cry or show some emoting of sadness mostly, the dad would lean in and try and make her laugh. 00:13:09.679 --> 00:13:13.600 Like rob her of the opportunity to just feel that. 00:13:13.919 --> 00:13:18.720 And that sends the message that I don't trust that you can handle the emotion. 00:13:18.960 --> 00:13:20.799 I can't handle the emotion. 00:13:21.440 --> 00:13:26.240 And that some emotions are good and bad is the message they're sending. 00:13:26.559 --> 00:13:30.399 And we don't hold space for certain emotions here. 00:13:30.720 --> 00:13:32.159 Snap out of it. 00:13:33.279 --> 00:13:39.120 The other big thing which I touched on is they try and fix all their problems. 00:13:39.360 --> 00:13:42.320 They think they're kind of like a soft landing, right? 00:13:42.480 --> 00:13:44.960 They think, well, I'm just trying to protect them. 00:13:45.200 --> 00:13:46.879 But protect them from what? 00:13:47.200 --> 00:13:57.519 Because if the child is struggling a peer conflict, a problem at work, a problem in high school or college, right? 00:13:58.320 --> 00:14:08.559 Just solving a problem when the parents start giving suggestions or saying, let me call your boss, or let me call the parent and see if we can work this out. 00:14:08.799 --> 00:14:16.399 Instead, what if they sat with them to try and problem solve and said, Tell me what you think might be a good idea? 00:14:16.639 --> 00:14:17.200 That's it. 00:14:17.360 --> 00:14:17.600 Right? 00:14:17.840 --> 00:14:18.320 That's it. 00:14:18.480 --> 00:14:18.720 Yeah. 00:14:18.879 --> 00:14:20.639 What do you think might be a great idea? 00:14:20.799 --> 00:14:27.200 And then the kid gives a suggestion or kind of stumbles a little bit, and the parent goes, I know it's really hard to figure this out. 00:14:27.840 --> 00:14:29.360 What else do you think? 00:14:29.519 --> 00:14:31.759 Instead of going, well, this is what you should do. 00:14:32.320 --> 00:14:32.720 Right? 00:14:32.960 --> 00:14:35.679 I think that's the biggest crux of it. 00:14:36.000 --> 00:14:44.799 We have to let our children be uncomfortable and recognize that discomfort is a natural emotion. 00:14:45.679 --> 00:14:46.159 Right. 00:14:46.399 --> 00:14:55.679 And to acknowledge, this is another thing, is that I think parents are so well intended. 00:14:56.799 --> 00:15:08.799 And I truly believe, and I said this to the family yesterday, it's just an interesting example that this happened yesterday, because it happens every day, all day in my practice, and also in my parenting. 00:15:09.519 --> 00:15:14.720 You know, I have two adult children, one that's nearby and one that's far away. 00:15:14.879 --> 00:15:22.720 So there's you know different degrees of this, but uh validating that it's okay to be uncomfortable. 00:15:22.879 --> 00:15:23.200 Yes. 00:15:23.360 --> 00:15:26.159 It's like we don't always have the

answer. 00:15:26.480 --> 00:15:29.519 And uncertainty is our is normal. 00:15:30.000 --> 00:15:31.600 The future is uncertain. 00:15:31.919 --> 00:15:35.519 We have to we have to become comfortable with un with not knowing. 00:15:35.759 --> 00:15:37.360 That's exactly right, Shari. 00:15:37.600 --> 00:15:45.279 And one of the things with social media is there is no unknown because everything is so instantaneous, right? 00:15:45.600 --> 00:15:46.960 We have the answer right away. 00:15:47.120 --> 00:15:53.279 We have AI, we have Google, we have every possible search, we have every TikTok video that's explaining everything. 00:15:53.440 --> 00:15:55.759 And and we don't have to wait. 00:15:55.919 --> 00:16:03.919 This is not the 80s where we had to be bored, where we had to sit and be like, oh, you know, there's none of that. 00:16:04.080 --> 00:16:13.440 And everyone is so overstimulated all the time, and thinking that every little bit of space has to be filled with something, right? 00:16:13.679 --> 00:16:19.519 And not, it's not okay to be bored, to be uncomfortable, and to just sit. 00:16:19.919 --> 00:16:20.720 Yeah, yeah. 00:16:20.960 --> 00:16:21.919 And you nailed it. 00:16:22.000 --> 00:16:26.720 I mean, it's it's it's so in our nature to want to rescue. 00:16:27.039 --> 00:16:31.519 Yeah, it is and to solve their problems so that they are not uncomfortable. 00:16:31.600 --> 00:16:38.720 Because that, like you said, that father sitting there, it was making him like viscerally uncomfortable to watch his daughter cry. 00:16:38.960 --> 00:16:44.399 And so that's the problem is that we are coming to their rescue because we love them so much. 00:16:44.720 --> 00:16:45.039 Yeah. 00:16:45.120 --> 00:16:48.320 But but again, safety net is one thing. 00:16:48.480 --> 00:16:56.399 Being a safety net, being there when they fall, but not holding them as they fall or not rescuing them before they even hit the bottom. 00:16:56.639 --> 00:17:07.599 So it's it's definitely a challenge for parents to help to model resiliency or to even if they're modeling it when your kid is going through it, just be there for them. 00:17:07.759 --> 00:17:09.599 That's the best thing you can do. 00:17:09.920 --> 00:17:10.559 I agree. 00:17:10.720 --> 00:17:14.240 Be there, sit with them, collaborate. 00:17:14.400 --> 00:17:16.880 Because it's okay to say, have you thought about? 00:17:17.279 --> 00:17:22.079 You know, or I wonder if when you tried that last time, what do you think the outcome was? 00:17:22.319 --> 00:17:28.880 You're having a conversation, yeah, right, that says, I trust your ideas and I want to hear them. 00:17:29.039 --> 00:17:29.279 Yeah. 00:17:29.440 --> 00:17:29.839 Right. 00:17:30.000 --> 00:17:32.400 I don't need you to do it my way. 00:17:32.559 --> 00:17:32.880 Yes. 00:17:33.119 --> 00:17:34.799 Let's figure out what your way is. 00:17:35.039 --> 00:17:37.279 And listen, that can bite us in the ass too. 00:17:37.519 --> 00:17:46.960 Because if we

do if we make a suggestion and they take it and it's not the right suggestion, they'll turn around and say, It's your fault. 00:17:47.200 --> 00:17:47.759 I've been there. 00:17:48.000 --> 00:17:50.319 And then there's no and then there's no ownership. 00:17:50.559 --> 00:17:50.960 Right. 00:17:51.200 --> 00:17:51.519 Right. 00:17:51.599 --> 00:17:51.759 Right. 00:17:51.920 --> 00:17:52.160 Right. 00:17:52.240 --> 00:17:53.359 Then there's just blame. 00:17:53.680 --> 00:17:54.559 Then there's just blame. 00:17:54.799 --> 00:17:54.960 Yeah. 00:17:55.119 --> 00:17:58.400 And it's important that we teach our our kids that there's options. 00:17:58.960 --> 00:18:03.119 So if you if you try something and it doesn't work out, it's not the end of the world. 00:18:03.279 --> 00:18:04.319 You you pivot. 00:18:05.200 --> 00:18:09.119 You pivot, and like you said about sourdough, right? 00:18:09.920 --> 00:18:12.319 You form and you bend. 00:18:12.720 --> 00:18:13.680 And you get stronger. 00:18:14.000 --> 00:18:15.519 And you do. 00:18:15.680 --> 00:18:24.079 And you know, in I I teach sexual health education, and one of the lessons that I teach is on problem solving and values and things like that. 00:18:24.240 --> 00:18:26.559 And something you just said, which is really important. 00:18:27.119 --> 00:18:35.359 The fifth and final step to problem solving and decision making is revisiting, did this work? 00:18:36.720 --> 00:18:41.920 Because not every time we try something, are we going to have success? 00:18:42.079 --> 00:18:45.279 We have to be able to say, well, that was a bomb. 00:18:45.759 --> 00:18:47.359 That was a total fail. 00:18:47.599 --> 00:18:47.920 Okay. 00:18:48.319 --> 00:18:51.279 Let's go back, let's go back to the drawing board here, right? 00:18:51.519 --> 00:18:51.920 Exactly. 00:18:52.000 --> 00:18:52.319 Yes. 00:18:52.559 --> 00:18:53.680 That's resilience. 00:18:54.400 --> 00:18:54.799 100%. 00:18:55.359 --> 00:18:55.839 100%. 00:18:56.240 --> 00:18:58.319 And we make it sound so easy. 00:18:58.880 --> 00:18:59.519 You and I. 00:18:59.839 --> 00:19:02.319 It's so, it's so hard. 00:19:02.559 --> 00:19:02.960 It is. 00:19:03.200 --> 00:19:04.160 It's so hard. 00:19:04.400 --> 00:19:04.799 It is. 00:19:04.960 --> 00:19:34.960 And it's exceptionally hard now with the mental health crisis that we're in, with teenagers and young adults, and children who have ADHD, or children who have anxiety and not stress, because we all have stress, but you know, generalized anxiety disorder or social anxiety, or they're struggling with OCD or depression. 00:19:35.279 --> 00:19:35.599 Okay. 00:19:36.400 --> 00:19:49.039 Resilience is hard because the mental illness and the mental health struggles make it exceptionally challenging to be resilient, which is a whole other subject. 00:19:49.279 --> 00:19:49.759 It's a good point. 00:19:50.079 --> 00:19:51.839 But it's not always easy. 00:19:52.000 --> 00:20:08.720 We have to think about who the child really is, what their capacity is, not to think they can't do it, but to meet them where they are and meet them where they're at and say, okay, this is what we're dealing with. 00:20:08.880 --> 00:20:09.200 Okay. 00:20:09.440 --> 00:20:11.279 How can we make this work for you? 00:20:11.440 --> 00:20:11.680 Yeah. 00:20:11.839 --> 00:20:12.559 Where you are. 00:20:12.960 --> 00:20:17.440 And you're 100% right about mental health because it creates that fear in a parent. 00:20:17.519 --> 00:20:24.079 They're so afraid that the kid's going to start spiraling that they want to fix the problem so quickly so that they don't go there. 00:20:24.240 --> 00:20:24.880 So you're right. 00:20:25.119 --> 00:20:25.440 Exactly. 00:20:25.759 --> 00:20:36.160 The second there's a mental health issue, all of a sudden the parent becomes really overprotective and really super coddly and really afraid to let them try, let them fail. 00:20:36.400 --> 00:20:40.720 I mean, you've you've got a strong kid and you go, okay, what do you think you should do? 00:20:40.799 --> 00:20:42.079 How do you think you should handle it? 00:20:42.160 --> 00:20:43.279 And then they try it. 00:20:43.359 --> 00:20:47.519 And if they if it fails, you know your kid can come back to you and go, that didn't work very well. 00:20:47.680 --> 00:20:48.079 What else? 00:20:48.240 --> 00:20:51.119 But if you have a kid that has mental health issues, you're scared. 00:20:51.279 --> 00:20:51.759 You're scared. 00:20:52.160 --> 00:20:52.720 You're scared. 00:20:52.799 --> 00:20:57.279 And it really ties into your question about the struggles. 00:20:57.440 --> 00:20:57.759 Yes. 00:20:57.920 --> 00:20:58.240 Right? 00:20:58.400 --> 00:21:04.480 It is a very real struggle for parents and for young adults who are struggling with mental health issues. 00:21:04.640 --> 00:21:05.839 It's a different ballgame. 00:21:06.000 --> 00:21:06.319 Correct. 00:21:06.480 --> 00:21:06.799 Right. 00:21:06.960 --> 00:21:10.160 And like you said, fear plays a huge part in it for parents. 00:21:10.400 --> 00:21:11.039 Yeah. 00:21:12.000 --> 00:21:12.480 Dr. 00:21:12.720 --> 00:21:21.359 Ken Ginsberg is a pediatrician, an author, and the creator of the seven seas of resilience. 00:21:21.759 --> 00:21:22.400 He is. 00:21:22.720 --> 00:21:26.960 Now we're not going to get into all of them, maybe just a few of the key ones. 00:21:27.279 --> 00:21:31.359 But recently I listened to him talk about his favorite one. 00:21:31.519 --> 00:21:35.759 He said this is his favorite one, but I'm sure he was just saying that for you know effect. 00:21:35.920 --> 00:21:37.519 But he said it was connection. 00:21:37.680 --> 00:21:43.279 I mean, you want to list off the seven C's, and then before I get, I I talk about what he said. 00:21:43.519 --> 00:21:44.559 I would love to. 00:21:44.799 --> 00:21:55.359 There's competence, confidence, connection, contribution, character, coping, and control. 00:21:55.519 --> 00:21:55.759 That's it.

00:21:56.000 --> 00:21:57.200 And they all start with the letter C. 00:21:57.279 --> 00:22:02.319 So we say the seven C's, it's a Pretty good plan words. 00:22:02.799 --> 00:22:03.839 What came first? 00:22:05.359 --> 00:22:09.759 Well, I'm really glad you said that because one thing that Dr. 00:22:09.920 --> 00:22:15.839 Ginsberg likes to stress is that these don't happen in order. 00:22:17.039 --> 00:22:25.839 You may have strength more, you may be stronger in some of your C's than you are in some of the other areas of resilience. 00:22:26.079 --> 00:22:39.440 You may need to focus more on building a certain quality, resilience quality, and the and the protective factors in your life have to outweigh the risk factors. 00:22:39.920 --> 00:22:40.240 Okay. 00:22:40.799 --> 00:22:44.799 You have to have more going for you, right? 00:22:44.960 --> 00:23:02.480 And when I say going for you, you have to have more of these protective factors like connection and character and coping and control than the risk factors like mental health or poverty or drug addiction in your family, right? 00:23:02.960 --> 00:23:04.799 These are risk factors. 00:23:05.119 --> 00:23:15.039 So we have to try and strengthen these seven C's so that we have more protective factors that can help us through the difficulties and the adversity. 00:23:15.279 --> 00:23:19.119 And we also have to remember, like I said, these don't happen in order. 00:23:19.440 --> 00:23:21.440 And you're not going to have them all. 00:23:23.920 --> 00:23:24.240 Right. 00:23:24.640 --> 00:23:30.480 And so kind of focusing on what are my strengths and what areas do I need to strengthen. 00:23:30.720 --> 00:23:35.680 So I want to tell you which one, you kind of said it already, but I want to tell you which one he said was his favorite. 00:23:35.920 --> 00:23:37.839 And he said it was connection. 00:23:38.079 --> 00:23:46.400 He said that connection is the foundation of resilience because it creates a sense of safety, belonging, and support. 00:23:46.720 --> 00:24:04.960 And he says, actually, I'm going to quote him when young adults feel deeply connected to their parents, their friends, or even a community, they're more likely to take the positive risks and handle failure and recover from setbacks because they know they are not alone. 00:24:05.680 --> 00:24:12.559 And that they have this, and I said, this emotional safety net that gives them the confidence to kind of face their challenges head on. 00:24:12.799 --> 00:24:19.119 He even says that connection helps with uh helps young adults to regulate their emotions, but we're not going there yet. 00:24:19.279 --> 00:24:31.839 Because the reason why, though, I'll say it's because when they feel heard, valued, understood by the people that they trust, that it becomes easier for them to calm down, think clearly, and problem solve. 00:24:32.160 --> 00:24:44.400 There's a study out of Harvard that has through decades actually of research, yes, has said that all

it takes is one adult. 00:24:45.279 --> 00:24:52.000 One adult that is consistent, reliable, available, honest. 00:24:52.720 --> 00:24:59.359 For one child to have one adult makes you exponentially more resilient. 00:24:59.839 --> 00:25:00.240 Yes. 00:25:00.480 --> 00:25:06.079 And reduces, not even reduces, it strengthens your resilience, right? 00:25:06.640 --> 00:25:11.920 Because you know that someone cares, someone's there. 00:25:12.079 --> 00:25:14.160 And everything you're describing that Dr. 00:25:14.240 --> 00:25:17.519 Ginsberg said, it gives you a soft landing. 00:25:17.680 --> 00:25:19.920 It gives you a sense of safety. 00:25:20.160 --> 00:25:20.640 Yeah. 00:25:20.960 --> 00:25:24.799 I know that I can mess up and they still love me. 00:25:25.039 --> 00:25:25.680 Yeah. 00:25:26.319 --> 00:25:29.839 I know that in difficult times, I have people. 00:25:30.160 --> 00:25:30.480 Yes. 00:25:30.720 --> 00:25:31.119 Right? 00:25:31.279 --> 00:25:34.400 That I can count on, even if it's just one person. 00:25:34.799 --> 00:25:35.519 The power of one. 00:25:35.759 --> 00:25:36.000 Yes. 00:25:36.160 --> 00:25:37.039 Who's your person? 00:25:37.200 --> 00:25:45.920 I mean, when and it's so funny because remember years ago when Facebook came out and everybody was like clamoring to have likes and friends and like and all this, not just likes, a lot of friends. 00:25:46.079 --> 00:25:50.160 And I was thinking to myself, these people aren't going to show up at my funeral. 00:25:50.319 --> 00:25:56.240 So here I am trying to imagine our kids, especially our song, our kids, hundreds and hundreds and hundreds. 00:25:56.400 --> 00:26:00.160 And yet I said to them, You don't need that many people. 00:26:00.400 --> 00:26:04.000 You just need a best friend, a couple of good friends. 00:26:04.160 --> 00:26:05.599 So it's quality. 00:26:05.680 --> 00:26:09.119 It's a quality and connection, not about it's not quantity. 00:26:09.359 --> 00:26:16.000 And these these influencers that have so many followers are often the ones that are the loneliest. 00:26:37.839 --> 00:26:38.880 That was her thing. 00:26:39.119 --> 00:26:47.759 Two people in your lifetime that you know without question, when the levy breaks, that they will be there for you. 00:26:47.920 --> 00:26:48.240 Yeah. 00:26:48.480 --> 00:26:49.680 So that's all it takes. 00:26:49.839 --> 00:26:50.240 Yeah. 00:26:50.559 --> 00:26:53.279 Surround yourself with quality people. 00:26:53.440 --> 00:26:53.599 Yeah. 00:26:53.839 --> 00:27:01.440 Not, it's not about how many, it's about who are those people and you know what, how much do they care about you? 00:27:01.680 --> 00:27:01.920 Yeah. 00:27:02.079 --> 00:27:06.240 You know, I'm celebrating 50 year, a 50-year friendship. 00:27:06.720 --> 00:27:07.440 Oh gosh. 00:27:07.759 --> 00:27:10.400 I love that you're celebrating it, acknowledging it. 00:27:10.640 --> 00:27:11.519 Yeah, we are. 00:27:11.680 --> 00:27:12.000 We are. 00:27:12.079 --> 00:27:13.759 We're actually going away this weekend. 00:27:13.920 --> 00:27:21.279 And we feel we always feel so grateful that we have had each other in our lives for 50 years. 00:27:21.759 --> 00:27:23.359 It's an incredible feeling. 00:27:23.680 --> 00:27:26.000 Again, you it's I don't need dozens. 00:27:26.079 --> 00:27:27.680 I I need her. 00:27:28.079 --> 00:27:30.079 And she needs me, and that's incredible. 00:27:30.240 --> 00:27:32.319 So that is very such a gift. 00:27:32.559 --> 00:27:33.680 Yeah, I feel that way. 00:27:33.839 --> 00:27:45.119 I want to know what is the of the seven C's of Ginsburg, seven C's, which one resonates well in your practice or even in your opinion? 00:27:45.359 --> 00:27:49.119 Because I told you about connection, but I want to know what you which ones you love. 00:27:49.519 --> 00:27:54.720 So we're going to talk about control because that's where regulation comes in. 00:27:54.799 --> 00:27:56.960 So we'll talk about that a little bit later. 00:27:57.119 --> 00:27:57.440 Okay. 00:27:58.079 --> 00:28:07.920 I feel that confidence and confidence are so interwoven and it really starts when our children are young. 00:28:08.160 --> 00:28:10.240 These are building blocks, like Dr. 00:28:10.319 --> 00:28:11.680 Ginsberg talks about. 00:28:11.839 --> 00:28:14.559 They build on each other, they feed off of each other. 00:28:14.720 --> 00:28:36.960 You know, when you feel, when you feel like someone's given you, like a parent has given you the opportunity to show that you're good at something, or they celebrate you, not for your trophy, your GPA, you know, making a team, whatever it is, not for those reasons, but because you're good at something. 00:28:37.119 --> 00:28:38.240 It's like, wow. 00:28:38.480 --> 00:28:41.440 So my daughter, to this day we laugh about it. 00:28:41.599 --> 00:28:52.079 My daughter used to look at me when she was like three years old or four years old, and she was like, Mama, I can do it, you know, like with this face, you know, like basically stop doing it for me, mom. 00:28:52.319 --> 00:28:52.640 Right. 00:28:52.799 --> 00:28:53.119 Yeah. 00:28:53.519 --> 00:29:02.559 And it is such a valuable lesson because she's just saying, let me, you know, and I then I'll feel confident. 00:29:03.519 --> 00:29:12.960 Because the more we do something, and it's not about like getting it right every time or winning every time or getting external validation or praise. 00:29:13.119 --> 00:29:24.079 It's about the confidence we feel when we tried something and the one person or the people in our life that love us, we're like, great work, great try. 00:29:24.240 --> 00:29:24.640 Yeah. 00:29:24.799 --> 00:29:27.680 Give it another, give it another shot, you know. 00:29:28.079 --> 00:29:32.720 Then we feel confident about who we are, right? 00:29:33.279 --> 00:29:38.799 Because it's not about your grade, the grade you get on a paper. 00:29:38.960 --> 00:29:40.000 That's fleeting. 00:29:40.559 --> 00:29:48.240 But when you

get positive feedback from the from that one person or from the people that love you, that's where the confidence comes in. 00:29:48.319 --> 00:29:55.119 So competence and confidence, and we can do that with our kids age appropriately throughout their lives. 00:29:55.519 --> 00:29:58.480 I mean, we we're talking about young adults. 00:29:58.640 --> 00:30:07.359 We can do it as it pertains to the effort they make to find their first job out of college, okay, or out of high school, right? 00:30:07.440 --> 00:30:08.480 Or in high school. 00:30:08.720 --> 00:30:13.920 Our adult children are going to come to us all the time with new challenges and new struggles. 00:30:14.160 --> 00:30:23.359 And being able for them to feel like you believe in their ability to go at it on their own and to have given it their best effort. 00:30:23.519 --> 00:30:26.160 You don't get a trophy for it, but I'm proud of you. 00:30:26.319 --> 00:30:27.759 And that builds confidence. 00:30:28.720 --> 00:30:29.359 And you know what? 00:30:29.440 --> 00:30:33.119 You don't always, I mean, you're making a valid point about external validation. 00:30:33.279 --> 00:30:37.200 But I remember when I was younger and I wanted to learn how to ride a bike. 00:30:38.000 --> 00:30:44.000 And uh my mother tried to teach me, but it was dinner time and she gave up and she left. 00:30:44.079 --> 00:30:48.880 And I was, I was in like persistent that I was gonna learn how to ride this bike. 00:30:48.960 --> 00:30:56.640 And so I just kept going at it over and over and over again until eventually I got it. 00:30:56.799 --> 00:31:00.319 And I was so excited, but I was so excited for me. 00:31:00.559 --> 00:31:03.599 It's not yes, of course, I ran into the house and say, Mommy, mommy, I did it. 00:31:03.680 --> 00:31:11.680 I learned how to ride my bike, but I felt so incredible that I allowed myself to continue to practice until I got it. 00:31:11.839 --> 00:31:14.240 And that competence, a hundred percent. 00:31:14.400 --> 00:31:17.440 I don't know if it was Ginsburg that said it, but I say this a lot. 00:31:17.680 --> 00:31:20.640 Competence breeds confidence. 00:31:21.119 --> 00:31:22.640 That's what Ginsburg said. 00:31:22.799 --> 00:31:23.839 They're intertwined. 00:31:24.000 --> 00:31:24.160 Yes. 00:31:24.400 --> 00:31:26.400 Competence breeds confidence. 00:31:26.559 --> 00:31:30.400 And that that's the key phrase in resilience. 00:31:30.480 --> 00:31:32.559 It's kind of the first thing, right? 00:31:32.960 --> 00:31:38.400 We have to let them try so that they can feel proud of themselves. 00:31:38.640 --> 00:31:49.119 And then they start to feel confident and they show up that way with their peers at work, in school, with their family members, right? 00:31:49.359 --> 00:31:51.440 With that sense of, I'm okay. 00:31:51.680 --> 00:31:52.000 Yeah. 00:31:52.160 --> 00:31:52.319 Yeah. 00:31:58.400 --> 00:32:01.839 It's not conceited, or you're not like full of yourself. 00:32:02.160 --> 00:32:13.599 Confidence is something that is lasting because it's internal, because you repetitively tried something over and over and built this sense of I can do it. 00:32:13.759 --> 00:32:14.240 Yeah. 00:32:15.519 --> 00:32:16.960 Confidence leads to confidence. 00:32:17.119 --> 00:32:17.359 Yeah. 00:32:17.599 --> 00:32:18.319 Silly example. 00:32:18.400 --> 00:32:23.039 But when my daughter and I would bake when she was really, really young, I did this with actually my son and my daughter. 00:32:23.119 --> 00:32:23.599 I shouldn't say that. 00:32:23.680 --> 00:32:25.359 Both of my kids baked with me. 00:32:25.599 --> 00:32:42.240 But when it was time to like do something like stir, whatever, stirring, breaking an egg, I knew how important it was that I let them do that part and not fix it, especially not in front of them, if I would turn around and pull the, pull the eggshell out. 00:32:42.319 --> 00:32:43.359 That was one thing. 00:32:43.680 --> 00:32:47.279 But now my kids are both fantastic in the kitchen. 00:32:47.519 --> 00:32:59.359 My daughter's wonderful at baking, and my son can pull off all kinds of incredible meals because it started with letting them do something in the kitchen and not fixing it or not doing it for them. 00:32:59.519 --> 00:33:09.839 And it's the tiniest little things we do with for our children, or not for our children, but with our children that does this kind of, and again, people wonder well, you know, how do you get competent at something, right? 00:33:09.920 --> 00:33:14.160 So if we say competence breeds confidence, competence comes from practice. 00:33:14.400 --> 00:33:17.759 You don't instantly wake up and have this mad skill. 00:33:18.079 --> 00:33:19.519 You have to practice it. 00:33:19.599 --> 00:33:23.200 So nothing comes in instant, like nothing comes to us so quickly. 00:33:23.440 --> 00:33:24.160 We have to learn it. 00:33:24.240 --> 00:33:25.839 And the learning means failing. 00:33:26.000 --> 00:33:30.799 And so it's all, it's, it's all part of it, but it is, it is. 00:33:30.960 --> 00:33:34.400 And I think the baking is a beautiful example, right? 00:33:34.880 --> 00:33:39.119 And it's where you and you can see it now in your adult children, right? 00:33:39.359 --> 00:33:42.160 Is that the confidence that they felt in the kitchen? 00:33:42.319 --> 00:33:46.240 It wasn't about making it perfect, it was about over and over. 00:33:46.400 --> 00:33:49.680 And then it led to this confidence, and now they love to bake, right? 00:33:49.759 --> 00:33:51.119 They do it on their own. 00:33:51.680 --> 00:34:00.720 You used a word that ties so much into what we were already talking about, but you were asking about which which of the seven C's are so important. 00:34:01.359 --> 00:34:07.200 And when you said with them, not for them. 00:34:07.599 --> 00:34:09.360 Yeah, that's the connection. 00:34:10.480 --> 00:34:26.480 It was well, it was it was actually beautiful and spot on, you did it with them, and

that built connection, it built built confidence, it built uh confidence, really wonderful. 00:34:26.719 --> 00:34:27.119 Yeah. 00:34:27.440 --> 00:34:44.239 And you know, uh this ties into coping also, which is one of the other seven seeds that I think is critical, especially in today's world. 00:34:44.400 --> 00:34:52.000 And it gets it's a great example, it's one of the seven seeds, it's a great example of something learned, right? 00:34:52.400 --> 00:34:56.960 We don't, we're not born with the ability to cope with stress, right? 00:34:57.199 --> 00:34:58.239 It's modeled. 00:34:58.400 --> 00:35:00.320 And then we watch our role models. 00:35:00.480 --> 00:35:05.199 How did daddy handle that when the person cut him off, you know, when he was driving? 00:35:05.440 --> 00:35:09.760 Or mom, how did mommy handle when she had a lot to do that day? 00:35:09.920 --> 00:35:22.559 You know, was she in the car screaming, you know, or was she like trying to make the best of it and figuring out, like, okay, let's make a list and let's figure out these schedules and do all these things, right? 00:35:22.880 --> 00:35:26.960 So coping is learned. 00:35:27.360 --> 00:35:27.679 Yeah. 00:35:27.920 --> 00:35:31.360 And how we manage stress is at the heart of coping. 00:35:31.440 --> 00:35:32.719 And it's at the heart of what Dr. 00:35:32.880 --> 00:35:35.360 Ginsberg is really talking about. 00:35:35.519 --> 00:35:40.559 The seven C's of resilience is about how do we cope with stress. 00:35:41.360 --> 00:35:56.719 And of course, we can learn mindfulness tools like breathing and counting and nature walks and physical exercise and all those things are incredibly important that we can integrate in our daily life. 00:35:57.119 --> 00:36:01.440 But coping is also about regulation. 00:36:01.840 --> 00:36:03.360 Good segue. 00:36:03.920 --> 00:36:14.639 When things blow up and we're overwhelmed, and we see this so much in the kids today, everything is a crisis to them, right? 00:36:15.039 --> 00:36:18.159 Everything is like the end of the world, right? 00:36:18.800 --> 00:36:21.840 And there's no frustration tolerance. 00:36:22.719 --> 00:36:42.480 So if we learn coping tools, how do we manage stress, then we are so much more able to be resilient, to be able to bounce back, to be able to critically think about a situation, to know, okay, and I this is an example I use all the time. 00:36:42.880 --> 00:36:43.920 Yellow light. 00:36:44.079 --> 00:36:48.000 We got a stop light, red, you know, green, yellow, red. 00:36:48.159 --> 00:36:52.880 Red is a full stop, green is full go, yellow is hold on. 00:36:53.199 --> 00:36:54.719 Let's just pause. 00:36:55.440 --> 00:37:02.079 Let's regulate and get the part of our brain that we need working back online. 00:37:02.639 --> 00:37:02.960 Good. 00:37:03.280 --> 00:37:03.440 Great. 00:37:03.519 --> 00:37:05.679 So now I want to yes, love it. 00:37:05.760 --> 00:37:07.840 So let's get into emotional regulation. 00:37:08.079 --> 00:37:09.199 Perfect timing. 00:37:09.440 --> 00:37:10.159 So good. 00:37:10.480 --> 00:37:16.320 So define it because again, it's one of those terms: emotional dysregulation, emotional regulation, co-regulation. 00:37:16.559 --> 00:37:23.440 We throw it around because we know, but then we're asking parents to teach this, and they're like, I don't even know what it what it means. 00:37:23.599 --> 00:37:26.800 They know, they'll know after we're done with this conversation, they'll know. 00:37:26.960 --> 00:37:32.079 So if you can, if you don't mind, please define it, what emotional regulation is for the listener. 00:37:32.400 --> 00:37:45.360 Emotional regulation is really the ability to manage and handle our feelings, not suppress them, not to avoid them, not pretend they're not there, not minimize them, right? 00:37:45.760 --> 00:37:52.400 But to notice them, name them, and then choose, right? 00:37:52.960 --> 00:37:56.960 How do I want to respond versus how do I react? 00:37:57.199 --> 00:37:57.840 Yes. 00:37:58.239 --> 00:37:58.559 Okay. 00:37:59.199 --> 00:38:00.719 So it's managing it. 00:38:00.880 --> 00:38:01.119 Okay. 00:38:01.280 --> 00:38:05.039 It's not, it kind of is like keeping your cool, right? 00:38:05.599 --> 00:38:18.320 So this builds confidence because when we realize that we have an opportunity every time we feel a big feeling, okay, we don't have to react to it. 00:38:18.800 --> 00:38:24.639 It doesn't mean we're ignoring it, but we can go, okay, this is really overwhelming. 00:38:25.360 --> 00:38:26.400 And I need a minute. 00:38:26.639 --> 00:38:30.079 You know the expression, if you can name it, you can tame it. 00:38:30.880 --> 00:38:32.079 That's exactly right. 00:38:32.639 --> 00:38:33.039 Yeah. 00:38:33.440 --> 00:38:34.480 That's exactly right. 00:38:34.719 --> 00:38:37.440 Because if you can name it, you acknowledge it's there. 00:38:38.159 --> 00:38:41.119 If you ignore it, then where does it go? 00:38:41.280 --> 00:38:44.880 It absorbs into our body because we're sponges. 00:38:45.840 --> 00:39:03.920 So emotional regulation is being able to name the emotion, gauge the intensity, choose a response, choose uh how we want to move forward with the knowledge that we're feeling this, right? 00:39:04.400 --> 00:39:05.840 Or this is happening. 00:39:06.320 --> 00:39:11.119 And it is so tied to resilience, right? 00:39:11.280 --> 00:39:12.400 And to confidence. 00:39:12.719 --> 00:39:14.800 It's like, okay, I got through that. 00:39:15.360 --> 00:39:15.599 Yeah. 00:39:15.840 --> 00:39:17.119 I'm still here. 00:39:19.280 --> 00:39:33.840 One of the most wonderful outcomes or rewards from emotional regulation is the ability to recognize you could handle the emotion, and the emotion doesn't have to swallow you. 00:39:34.079 --> 00:39:34.559 Yeah. 00:39:35.039 --> 00:39:36.559 Doesn't have to swallow you. 00:39:36.719 --> 00:39:37.519 It's there. 00:39:37.840 --> 00:39:38.639 Oh yeah. 00:39:38.880 --> 00:39:43.119 And some I

always like talk to my clients every age. 00:39:43.280 --> 00:39:49.280 Um, I work primarily with adolescents, young adults, and adults in individual therapy. 00:39:49.599 --> 00:39:53.039 And I always say, just pause, engage it. 00:39:53.199 --> 00:39:54.880 Like, how bad is this? 00:39:55.039 --> 00:39:56.639 You know, is it a 10? 00:39:56.880 --> 00:39:58.000 Is it a four? 00:39:58.239 --> 00:40:02.239 Like if you give it a number, it almost feels more manageable. 00:40:02.480 --> 00:40:03.119 Yeah. 00:40:03.920 --> 00:40:05.599 Separate from yourself. 00:40:05.920 --> 00:40:19.199 I love that you said that because I have an exercise that I do with my clients who are struggling with anxiety, where I have them picture and, you know, I have them move over on my couch. 00:40:19.440 --> 00:40:22.559 And it's like, I want you to picture the anxiety sitting next to you. 00:40:22.639 --> 00:40:23.679 What does it look like? 00:40:23.840 --> 00:40:25.119 Is it a he or a she? 00:40:25.199 --> 00:40:26.079 What are they saying? 00:40:26.239 --> 00:40:27.920 What color are they? 00:40:28.079 --> 00:40:28.400 Right. 00:40:28.880 --> 00:40:31.360 What does it feel like if you get up and you start walking? 00:40:31.440 --> 00:40:32.639 Is are they in front of you? 00:40:32.800 --> 00:40:33.920 Are they behind you? 00:40:34.159 --> 00:40:35.760 Are they on top of you? 00:40:36.079 --> 00:40:44.159 Being able to see anxiety as something that you can manage and control, right? 00:40:44.400 --> 00:40:45.840 It's not in control of you. 00:40:45.920 --> 00:40:47.519 It doesn't have to take you over. 00:40:47.679 --> 00:40:48.000 Yeah. 00:40:48.159 --> 00:40:48.480 Right? 00:40:48.639 --> 00:40:49.519 It's separate. 00:40:49.679 --> 00:40:50.000 Right. 00:40:50.239 --> 00:40:58.639 It's it's in you, but you have the ability and the tools to choose how you want to respond to it. 00:40:59.119 --> 00:40:59.519 Right. 00:40:59.840 --> 00:41:01.679 So that it's not in control of you. 00:41:01.920 --> 00:41:02.320 Yeah. 00:41:02.639 --> 00:41:16.639 So even though some babies are like again, born with these temperaments, so some of them are they they're they're better at it, at emotional regulation, it is something that is learned and by way of modeling. 00:41:16.880 --> 00:41:17.199 Yes. 00:41:17.360 --> 00:41:19.119 But it but it can work both ways. 00:41:19.280 --> 00:41:25.039 I want to explain this because a lot of people say, well, I didn't come from you know uh that and my parent wasn't like that. 00:41:25.199 --> 00:41:30.320 But I I always say that you can learn how not to be from your parents. 00:41:31.119 --> 00:41:32.000 That's a great point. 00:41:32.239 --> 00:41:32.480 Yeah. 00:41:32.559 --> 00:41:40.320 And I'm gonna share a very personal story because I didn't have that type of like of modeling from my my mother. 00:41:40.559 --> 00:41:47.840 Um, I remember so clearly, Mickey, how my mother would handle stressful situations. 00:41:48.079 --> 00:41:50.880 She was terrible at managing her emotions. 00:41:51.119 --> 00:41:54.800 When she was upset, you couldn't talk to this woman. 00:41:55.119 --> 00:41:57.199 You could barely be around her. 00:41:57.360 --> 00:41:59.599 And I would try everything. 00:41:59.760 --> 00:42:04.559 Like, I guess maybe I developed the people-pleasing part of myself. 00:42:04.719 --> 00:42:08.159 So I would try to humor her, I would try to distract her. 00:42:08.320 --> 00:42:17.679 Sometimes it worked, but sometimes, or most times I would say she just wanted to stay in this emotionally dysregulated state. 00:42:17.840 --> 00:42:19.599 And it really bothered me. 00:42:19.760 --> 00:42:26.159 But I realized at some point that my mother had a lot of unmet needs from her childhood. 00:42:26.400 --> 00:42:30.480 And that level of drama is how she got attention. 00:42:30.559 --> 00:42:32.559 And there was nothing that I could do. 00:42:32.719 --> 00:42:46.960 And here's what's so sad that when you are so, and we've touched on this, when you are so emotionally dysregulated and you cannot settle yourself, it actually has such a negative impact on your body, right? 00:42:47.119 --> 00:43:07.039 The stress hormone of cortisol raises, you know, it affects your your body and your mind so much that you're you develop a weakened immune system, you develop inflammation, your sleep is affected, and you basically put your body at a higher risk of uh disease and chronic conditions. 00:43:07.280 --> 00:43:18.000 And unfortunately, because my mother was constantly like this and never did any work to help herself, she actually died at the age of 63. 00:43:18.320 --> 00:43:27.280 So when you say you have your mother, it's like, I'm so happy for you because it is a terrible loss when your mother passes. 00:43:27.760 --> 00:43:40.000 But I think that she almost gave up and that she allowed these her emotions to just take over and she she allowed that the cortisol just was constantly flowing in her body. 00:43:40.480 --> 00:43:54.639 So, yes, yeah, I learned how not to be so overreactive, and I learned how to recover quicker because of my mother, because it bothered me so much that she could not manage her emotions. 00:43:54.800 --> 00:43:59.360 It it made me so uncomfortable to watch and it made her sick. 00:44:00.000 --> 00:44:05.760 So please don't ever use that as an excuse that you didn't have the right parenting. 00:44:06.000 --> 00:44:11.280 You learn how not to be by your parenting or your parents, I should say. 00:44:11.599 --> 00:44:16.400 Your level of honesty and transparency is so refreshing, Shari. 00:44:17.039 --> 00:44:20.800 That was a really amazing story for you to tell. 00:44:21.039 --> 00:44:30.159 And just listening to you and your language, and I can see that you've done the work because she did it. 00:44:30.400 --> 00:44:30.960 Right. 00:44:31.280 --> 00:44:37.760 And yes, our parents can be role models, positive or negative. 00:44:38.239 --> 00:44:41.920

Role model doesn't always imply a good thing. 00:44:42.079 --> 00:44:42.400 No. 00:44:42.639 --> 00:44:50.239 Because we sometimes have role models that are not positive role models, that people we do not want to be like, right? 00:44:50.960 --> 00:44:54.000 So I love what you said. 00:44:55.280 --> 00:45:01.840 We can learn from our parents' mistakes and choose to do things differently. 00:45:02.159 --> 00:45:13.519 We don't have to fall back on the excuse, if you will, well, I didn't know better, or I didn't learn, or that wasn't how I was raised. 00:45:13.679 --> 00:45:15.280 We hear this all the time, right? 00:45:15.679 --> 00:45:18.000 We have to do our own work. 00:45:18.639 --> 00:45:24.880 Therapy is a great way to develop tools for regulation, right? 00:45:25.360 --> 00:45:26.000 Yeah. 00:45:26.320 --> 00:45:36.079 Also being able to regulate gives us this feeling like we have options, right? 00:45:36.559 --> 00:45:38.880 Knowing that I have a choice. 00:45:39.679 --> 00:45:42.000 I have a choice on how I react. 00:45:42.239 --> 00:45:44.239 How long do I want to sit in this? 00:45:45.519 --> 00:45:49.360 How miserable do I want to make myself and everyone else for how long? 00:45:49.599 --> 00:45:50.239 Yes, right? 00:45:50.480 --> 00:45:50.639 Yes. 00:45:50.800 --> 00:45:52.079 He just reminded me of a story. 00:45:52.159 --> 00:45:54.000 I want to share this with you because you keep saying it. 00:45:54.079 --> 00:45:59.599 So I'm like, I don't want to say another story, but I have to tell you, my father and my mother were very opposite people. 00:45:59.679 --> 00:46:01.039 They were divorced when I was young. 00:46:01.199 --> 00:46:02.800 So I had to get to know my father. 00:46:02.960 --> 00:46:03.840 He moved away. 00:46:04.000 --> 00:46:05.840 He was like a hippie kind of dad. 00:46:06.079 --> 00:46:09.119 My mother was wound up, as you obviously got that sense. 00:46:09.280 --> 00:46:12.639 And I remember telling my father a story about how upset I was. 00:46:12.800 --> 00:46:14.719 It was probably about a boyfriend or something. 00:46:14.880 --> 00:46:16.159 He did this and he did that. 00:46:16.320 --> 00:46:18.400 And my father goes, Yeah, go on, tell me more. 00:46:18.480 --> 00:46:20.320 And I'm like, and then he did this and then he did that. 00:46:20.400 --> 00:46:21.199 He goes, tell me more. 00:46:21.280 --> 00:46:24.719 And I'm like, and then he and I was like just kind of spewing. 00:46:24.880 --> 00:46:27.039 And he goes, Okay, are you are you done? 00:46:27.199 --> 00:46:28.559 And like, yeah, I'm done. 00:46:28.639 --> 00:46:29.360 That's the story. 00:46:29.519 --> 00:46:32.960 And he goes, Okay, so so now what? 00:46:33.119 --> 00:46:34.159 I go, what do you mean? 00:46:34.320 --> 00:46:37.360 He goes, Well, for are you still upset? 00:46:37.519 --> 00:46:38.880 I go, I mean, yeah. 00:46:39.119 --> 00:46:41.280 He goes, okay, but for how long? 00:46:42.079 --> 00:46:43.039 What do you mean for how long? 00:46:43.199 --> 00:46:44.000 I was so young. 00:46:44.159 --> 00:46:45.519 I go, what do you mean for how long? 00:46:45.599 --> 00:46:48.880 He goes, how long are you going to be upset? 00:46:49.519 --> 00:46:57.760 And I was like, it was the first moment in my life I realized that I could actually make the decision that I'm feeling these emotions. 00:46:57.920 --> 00:47:01.119 He was allowing me to ex to get it all out. 00:47:01.360 --> 00:47:06.159 And then he said to me, Okay, like you can't, for how long are you going to sit with this for? 00:47:06.400 --> 00:47:20.079 Because you can decide at any point when you're ready to kind of reel it all in, take that deep breath, come to realize that it's over and that you can regulate your emotions by even asking that one question. 00:47:20.159 --> 00:47:21.199 Okay, for how long? 00:47:21.440 --> 00:47:23.280 Because it's the rumination. 00:47:23.679 --> 00:47:29.679 And for for weeks and months and years that people the holding on, the holding on to that to that. 00:47:30.239 --> 00:47:31.039 Anger and resentment. 00:47:31.440 --> 00:47:32.480 Anger and resentment. 00:47:32.639 --> 00:47:32.880 Yeah. 00:47:32.960 --> 00:47:33.280 Uh-huh. 00:47:34.559 --> 00:47:36.800 The grudges of the world that never let go. 00:47:37.199 --> 00:47:37.519 Yeah. 00:47:37.840 --> 00:47:40.400 So for how long is a great way for you to go? 00:47:40.480 --> 00:47:42.079 Okay, so this happened. 00:47:42.239 --> 00:47:44.320 How long are you going to let it bother you? 00:47:45.519 --> 00:47:46.800 We have choices. 00:47:47.039 --> 00:47:47.519 Yeah. 00:47:47.840 --> 00:47:48.960 We have choices. 00:47:49.199 --> 00:47:59.920 Are we going to let our emotions drive us, or are we going to take control, acknowledge our emotions, name our emotions, and choose what we want to do with the controls. 00:48:00.159 --> 00:48:00.719 You said control. 00:48:01.519 --> 00:48:06.719 Yes, the control comes from ourselves that we can control or manage these emotions. 00:48:06.880 --> 00:48:09.440 It's okay to feel them, but you can control. 00:48:09.519 --> 00:48:10.639 It's so empowering. 00:48:11.199 --> 00:48:17.280 I want to clarify for the listeners that controlling it doesn't mean it's controlling. 00:48:17.440 --> 00:48:19.840 You're not being controlling, right? 00:48:20.000 --> 00:48:23.199 It's actually the opposite, which is kind of interesting. 00:48:23.440 --> 00:48:27.440 You're making a choice to let go, right? 00:48:27.679 --> 00:48:32.320 You're making a choice to say, what else am I going to do with this? 00:48:32.400 --> 00:48:40.559 Or how am I going to use this as knowledge and information so I can move forward instead of letting it control you. 00:48:40.880 --> 00:48:41.199 Right. 00:48:41.679 --> 00:48:42.079 Right. 00:48:42.320 --> 00:49:04.239 So we're getting to that point where I start to want to offer suggestions, tools, tips, actionable steps for parents to be able to teach their young adults, even if they

can't model it themselves necessarily, to realize that you can teach your young adult how to manage their emotions, how to become more resilient. 00:49:04.480 --> 00:49:11.519 So what first of all, I just want to know what are some examples that you see in young adults who are struggling to manage their emotions? 00:49:11.679 --> 00:49:20.960 When they're sitting in front of you and you know that this is a young adult or even an adult that is not managing their emotions, that is not regulating them, what what do you see? 00:49:21.119 --> 00:49:25.840 What are some of the signs that you see that you know instantly this is where you got to do the work? 00:49:26.239 --> 00:49:29.840 I mostly see people pleasing. 00:49:30.639 --> 00:49:47.280 And this is when young adults are either dysregulated or they haven't been given the opportunity to build resilience, or they had uh an emotionally immature parent who was dysregulated, right? 00:49:47.840 --> 00:49:52.000 What I see is they don't know how to problem solve. 00:49:52.800 --> 00:49:54.559 They people please, right? 00:49:54.719 --> 00:49:56.639 They appease and please. 00:49:56.960 --> 00:50:02.239 They don't, they they want to give you the answer they think that you want to hear, right? 00:50:02.559 --> 00:50:07.840 Because they don't feel confident to express what they're feeling. 00:50:08.079 --> 00:50:15.679 I have a feeling wheel that I keep laminated on my on my glass coffee table in in my office. 00:50:15.840 --> 00:50:20.320 I always laugh about it because I think the adults use it more than the teenagers actually. 00:50:20.719 --> 00:50:23.440 And they don't they can't name their emotions. 00:50:23.599 --> 00:50:25.280 They don't even know what they're feeling. 00:50:25.519 --> 00:50:27.599 So I use this wheel as a tool. 00:50:27.679 --> 00:50:29.440 I'm like, this is just vocab. 00:50:29.679 --> 00:50:30.159 That's all. 00:50:30.320 --> 00:50:37.920 Let's just look and see what some of the vocabulary is to, you know, describe what you're feeling and then let's give it a name, right? 00:50:38.079 --> 00:50:39.519 They can't name it. 00:50:39.760 --> 00:50:46.079 Um, I see these children, these adult children, they can't think critically about things, right? 00:50:46.480 --> 00:50:48.559 They shut, they shut down. 00:50:49.440 --> 00:50:59.920 And these are the kids that you find really have a hard time moving forward, launching, you know, tribute to your the title of your podcast. 00:51:00.079 --> 00:51:00.400 Right. 00:51:00.719 --> 00:51:04.239 And moving into the next stage of life. 00:51:04.480 --> 00:51:06.719 They don't feel equipped, right? 00:51:06.960 --> 00:51:07.920 What do you suggest? 00:51:09.199 --> 00:51:11.280 What I suggest is a couple of things. 00:51:11.519 --> 00:51:11.840 Okay. 00:51:13.280 --> 00:51:23.679 With parents, I think that we have to realize that we have to put our own oxygen mask on first. 00:51:25.039 --> 00:51:32.000 It is the old additive when I mean the phrase, uh, the whole speech you feel you get when you get on the airplane, right? 00:51:32.159 --> 00:51:37.519 Where they're like, please put on your oxygen mask before that of your child or the person next to you. 00:51:38.000 --> 00:51:39.599 That is a life lesson. 00:51:40.159 --> 00:51:46.960 If you're not taking care of yourself, you if you're not breathing, you can't take care of anyone else. 00:51:47.199 --> 00:51:55.920 So I encourage parents to notice what you need to work on. 00:51:56.960 --> 00:52:00.000 Notice your strengths and weaknesses, right? 00:52:00.480 --> 00:52:07.280 And notice how it's impacting your children and your family and your relationships. 00:52:07.519 --> 00:52:18.320 I would say that other tools are giving children the opportunities, like we've talked about, right, to name and validate what they feel. 00:52:19.039 --> 00:52:37.760 And what I teach for emotionally dysregulated young adults or adults who struggle to foster and build this resilience is I teach them how to regulate through breath, how to regulate through counting. 00:52:38.400 --> 00:52:49.599 I teach a lot of cognitive behavioral tools to help them challenge the thoughts and these narratives, these messages that have been holding them back. 00:52:49.760 --> 00:52:57.280 The messages that say you can't or don't, or that's too scary, right? 00:52:57.840 --> 00:53:06.159 One of the tools is let them be uncomfortable to realize they can work through discomfort, right? 00:53:06.559 --> 00:53:09.119 And we use our paws. 00:53:09.679 --> 00:53:14.239 I teach a lot about um the prefrontal cortex. 00:53:14.719 --> 00:53:18.000 With teenagers, it's not fully developed, right? 00:53:18.159 --> 00:53:18.480 Right. 00:53:18.719 --> 00:53:22.480 So I talk about it from that angle and I'll explain. 00:53:22.639 --> 00:53:43.599 And then with young adults who are maybe 25 or 26 years old, whose brains are most likely more developed, you know, or fully developed, because I don't think we should can really put a full number on it, an age number, because there are so many variables that impact the development of our developing brains. 00:53:43.920 --> 00:53:54.880 But the prefrontal cortex is where we problem solve and set goals and regulate and think critically, decision making all happens here. 00:53:55.440 --> 00:54:05.199 When we are dysregulated, when we're stressed, the part of our brain that we need the most is the prefrontal cortex. 00:54:05.440 --> 00:54:07.920 And it has gone completely offline. 00:54:08.159 --> 00:54:09.360 It's like a computer. 00:54:09.519 --> 00:54:13.920 When it's not working and it's glitching and whatever, well, our first reaction is to do what? 00:54:14.000 --> 00:54:17.760 Like start pounding on the keys, or you know, we're like, what is it? 00:54:17.840 --> 00:54:18.719 What is it? 00:54:19.119 --> 00:54:26.559 When really it's that moment that we're like, we need it needs a break, it's hot, it's overheated, right?

00:54:26.800 --> 00:54:27.119 Yeah. 00:54:27.360 --> 00:54:30.320 And then we start glitching literally and figuratively. 00:54:30.559 --> 00:54:32.239 Okay, we can't speak. 00:54:33.760 --> 00:54:36.559 We can't use the part of our brain we need the most. 00:54:36.639 --> 00:54:38.239 So we have to get it back online. 00:54:38.719 --> 00:54:39.119 Right. 00:54:39.280 --> 00:54:43.760 And we do that through breath, through pause. 00:54:44.559 --> 00:54:48.159 We have to say, I am useless right now. 00:54:48.320 --> 00:54:52.320 I can't make decisions, I'm overwhelmed, I'm stressed. 00:54:52.559 --> 00:54:54.559 That doesn't make you not resilient. 00:54:55.199 --> 00:55:00.400 That means you have full awareness, which is actually pretty regulated, right? 00:55:00.800 --> 00:55:03.440 Awareness that I need a break. 00:55:04.320 --> 00:55:06.800 And that's a huge thing for parents too. 00:55:07.440 --> 00:55:19.679 When your child becomes dysregulated, regardless of the age, be a safe place for them, but give them permission to take a pause. 00:55:20.000 --> 00:55:23.119 Don't start firing questions at them. 00:55:23.760 --> 00:55:26.000 Don't start at don't start screaming. 00:55:26.320 --> 00:55:27.599 What's wrong with you? 00:55:28.239 --> 00:55:32.559 Instead say, I think we both need a minute. 00:55:33.440 --> 00:55:38.159 And that minute might be an hour or 30 minutes, okay? 00:55:38.559 --> 00:55:44.639 And then I always say, then revisit, but give yourself some time and some space, both of you. 00:55:45.440 --> 00:55:48.880 Sometimes the kid's gonna be like, I can't talk to you right now. 00:55:49.199 --> 00:55:52.320 But really, what they're saying is I need a break. 00:55:52.639 --> 00:55:55.519 I'm dysregulated, nothing's working up here. 00:55:56.000 --> 00:55:56.400 Right. 00:55:56.800 --> 00:56:00.400 And the only healthy response is okay. 00:56:01.920 --> 00:56:02.960 We both do. 00:56:03.199 --> 00:56:03.599 Yeah. 00:56:04.480 --> 00:56:19.519 In that pause, you can use that time pretty wisely about thinking, once you kind of get, you know, because you're gonna go to your room, or you're gonna go in the backyard, or you're gonna walk around the block and you're fuming or you're crying. 00:56:20.639 --> 00:56:21.599 That's okay. 00:56:21.920 --> 00:56:22.880 Get it out. 00:56:23.920 --> 00:56:34.800 And then when it passes or subsides, or you can measure, okay, I'm not at a 10 anymore, I'm a four, or I'm a six, things seem to be starting to work. 00:56:34.960 --> 00:56:35.360 Yeah. 00:56:35.920 --> 00:56:40.800 Then think about how you want to revisit the conversation or the situation. 00:56:41.119 --> 00:56:41.440 Right. 00:56:41.760 --> 00:56:45.440 This goes for the parent and the child, regardless of age, right? 00:56:46.239 --> 00:56:52.079 And I say regardless of age, a younger child needs the parent to be there for safety reasons. 00:56:52.559 --> 00:57:00.559 And maybe the break is just we choose quiet time, like we take a key, lock the mouth, and everyone's quiet, but we're sitting together. 00:57:00.800 --> 00:57:01.119 Yeah. 00:57:01.440 --> 00:57:01.760 Right. 00:57:02.000 --> 00:57:03.360 For safety reasons. 00:57:03.760 --> 00:57:07.840 So then we return and say, let's try that again. 00:57:08.239 --> 00:57:08.559 Right. 00:57:09.360 --> 00:57:12.639 I think that this is what I did wrong, and I'm sorry. 00:57:15.599 --> 00:57:16.719 How can we start off? 00:57:17.280 --> 00:57:18.239 How can I help? 00:57:19.440 --> 00:57:20.000 Right? 00:57:20.320 --> 00:57:37.840 That helps a young adult, a teenager, regulate, yes, feel safe, feel connected, feel seen, and feel in control of their emotions and their thoughts and their choices. 00:57:38.079 --> 00:57:38.480 Yeah. 00:57:38.639 --> 00:57:46.400 And I love that you said that because a lot of times if a parent and child are having a heated argument, first of all, and you're very it's 100% correct. 00:57:46.480 --> 00:57:48.239 It's all happening in the front of our brain. 00:57:48.480 --> 00:57:51.760 The emotional part of it is all happening in the back of our brain, the amygdala. 00:57:52.000 --> 00:57:52.239 Yes. 00:57:52.400 --> 00:57:53.599 So it's almost like they're not. 00:57:53.760 --> 00:57:56.639 So you're right, we have nothing's happening here, it's all happening here. 00:57:56.800 --> 00:58:02.159 When we calm down, when we breathe, we we the everything starts to get into check again. 00:58:02.320 --> 00:58:10.239 But I love the fact because a lot of times parents will like, okay, the kid has calmed down, I'm calmed down, and they never revisit that conversation. 00:58:10.400 --> 00:58:11.599 And that is so important. 00:58:11.760 --> 00:58:19.440 So I call, I call families like that rug stuffers because they just put it away, they don't want to deal with it again, they're afraid it's gonna get heated. 00:58:19.519 --> 00:58:33.599 But actually, when you go back into that situation and everything is calmed down and everyone's regulated, and now the prefrontal cortex can think logically again and come up with the solutions, that is when you're supposed to have the conversation. 00:58:33.840 --> 00:58:34.559 That's right. 00:58:34.719 --> 00:58:37.599 Not when your amygdala is hijacked, right? 00:58:37.840 --> 00:58:39.679 And that's your emotional center. 00:58:39.840 --> 00:58:42.880 That's what kicks in first, emotion, right? 00:58:43.039 --> 00:58:43.840 For anybody. 00:58:44.000 --> 00:58:47.760 You know, it's like we get heated really quickly, we get angry. 00:58:48.079 --> 00:58:57.199 And dysregulated, uh, when we're dysregulated, when we don't have resilience, we're being controlled by emotion. 00:58:57.360 --> 00:58:58.480 Yes, right. 00:58:59.119 --> 00:59:04.480 And that's a pretty primitive way to show up in the world. 00:59:04.719 --> 00:59:18.800 And we have to learn how to use the prefrontal cortex so that we can regulate, so we can manage stress, so we can feel more resilient, and we

can return and have more mature and healthier conversations and connections. 00:59:19.039 --> 00:59:20.960 We don't stuff it, like you say. 00:59:21.039 --> 00:59:21.199 Yeah. 00:59:21.440 --> 00:59:22.639 We have to return to it. 00:59:22.719 --> 00:59:22.880 Yeah. 00:59:23.039 --> 00:59:27.280 And we have to return in a um clearer state, yeah. 00:59:27.519 --> 00:59:28.800 A more regulated state. 00:59:29.119 --> 00:59:43.760 Mickey, I always love to leave on a positive note, and I think there's been a ton of positive stuff here, but what is the one piece of advice that you can offer parents when it comes to teaching or modeling either resilience or emotional regulation? 00:59:44.159 --> 00:59:45.760 Work on yourself first. 00:59:46.960 --> 00:59:50.000 Recognize it's never too late. 00:59:50.480 --> 01:00:10.079 Because resilience is learned, because regulation can be taught and learned, if we work on ourselves, we can show up in a much more mature way for our kids at any age. 01:00:10.880 --> 01:00:30.719 It's not about it being perfect, it's about being there and about connecting, right, with your child and trying to remind them that you're not there to fix them, you're there to work with them. 01:00:31.599 --> 01:00:44.000 Okay, and so that kind of connection and foundation in the parent-child relationship, again, it's never too late, and it starts with the adult. 01:00:45.119 --> 01:00:59.840 And I truly believe that when a parent shows up in a way that's loving and supportive, their children will feel that. 01:01:00.079 --> 01:01:09.280 And that's gonna help them build the confidence, the resilience, and the regulation that they need to tackle life's inevitable challenges. 01:01:10.079 --> 01:01:11.280 Beautifully said. 01:01:11.519 --> 01:01:12.400 Beautifully said. 01:01:12.719 --> 01:01:16.159 Nikki, thank you so much for spending this time with me today. 01:01:16.320 --> 01:01:18.639 I I think this has been a great conversation. 01:01:18.800 --> 01:01:19.760 I really, really do. 01:01:19.920 --> 01:01:35.519 And I hope it has helped parents to really understand now what resilience and emotional regulation is, and that these aren't traits that our kids are just going to magically show up with, that we do have to teach it and model it and practice it in ourselves. 01:01:35.760 --> 01:01:38.000 And thank you for all your suggestions. 01:01:38.159 --> 01:01:39.760 They've been incredible. 01:01:40.400 --> 01:01:47.280 You are a delight, and I'm glad that I'm so I'm so flattered that you asked me to be a guest. 01:01:47.519 --> 01:01:51.920 And I loved our first conversation, which was an immediate connection. 01:01:52.719 --> 01:01:56.880 Um, thank you so much, and thanks for being so vulnerable today. 01:01:57.119 --> 01:02:01.519 Oh, well, I love having you, and I felt, you know what, you gave me that space. 01:02:01.840 --> 01:02:03.519 So this is on you. 01:02:04.079 --> 01:02:08.159 But you are welcome back anytime, and I'm sure we're gonna do this again. 01:02:08.400 --> 01:02:09.199 Thanks, Shari. 01:02:09.599 --> 01:02:10.719 Okay, we'll talk soon. 01:02:10.960 --> 01:02:19.840 I hope today's episode gave you valuable insights and actionable steps that will help you guide your young adult to launch successfully into adulthood. 01:02:20.079 --> 01:02:26.400 If you found this topic helpful, feel free to leave a comment and hit the subscribe button so you never miss an episode. 01:02:26.559 --> 01:02:31.360 Leaving a five-star review helps us reach more parents who are dealing with the same issues. 01:02:31.519 --> 01:02:35.679 And if there's something you want to ask me, I even joined launch advice. 01:02:35.920 --> 01:02:40.159 A weekly publication will answer one question from parents just like you. 01:02:40.320 --> 01:02:44.480 It's free of advice that will appear here in public when you need it the most. 01:02:44.639 --> 01:02:49.840 Just click launch advice in the show notes, and don't forget to email me your confidential question. 01:02:50.000 --> 01:02:54.880 And remember, no one ever says everything is easy, especially when you're raising an adult.