Full Transcript for Shadow Work Made Simple

and the time and the effort I spent in coaching. 00:05:10.800 --> 00:05:25.600 Now every time when a perfectionist tendency shows up an area of my life, my body and my mind immediately alert me to it, so I can bring it to my attention and consciously move away from the lie it's trying to tell me. 00:05:25.759 --> 00:05:34.160 The shadow side work of my perfectionist tendency has become much easier because now my body is recruited into making it automatic. 00:05:34.319 --> 00:05:47.199 Currently I'm working on a book on mental health for Muslim women, and this perfectionistic tendency shows up as I write my book, along with my other shadow side beliefs to avoid being misunderstood. 00:05:47.439 --> 00:06:02.000 When I started to write this book, the perfectionistic tendency showed up with telling me that I should be able to communicate the truth with such precision in this book that it should be impossible for anybody to misunderstand me. 00:06:02.240 --> 00:06:09.839 That sounds noble on the surface, but the shadow almost always disguises itself as truth, as virtuous. 00:06:10.079 --> 00:06:17.519 In my case, the shadow is the belief that I can explain something perfectly, so that people will receive it perfectly. 00:06:17.759 --> 00:06:28.639 That creates an enormous amount of internal pressure because I start carrying responsibility not only for the quality of my work, but also for how other people will interpret it. 00:06:28.879 --> 00:06:43.920 So what that looks like is that I'm sitting down to write what should take me one hour or so working on one chapter, one paragraph, or whatever my goal is, but I find myself hours later still refining the same exact idea, not moving any further. 00:06:44.160 --> 00:06:51.120 If someone was watching from the outside, they would conclude that I'm very meticulous and intellectually rigorous. 00:06:51.360 --> 00:06:56.800 What they won't see is that the internal conversation in my mind that's driving the behavior. 00:06:57.040 --> 00:07:00.160 I'm not really just trying to make the paragraph clearer. 00:07:00.399 --> 00:07:06.639 My mind is trying to eliminate every possible misunderstanding before anyone reads my work. 00:07:06.879 --> 00:07:28.079 I begin imagining the reader who will take my words out of context, the person who will think I'm saying something unislamic when I'm really not, and the critic who will assume that I'm minimizing trauma when I'm actually trying to restore agency, and it makes me really afraid for that woman who will interpret my message as blame instead of empowerment. 00:07:28.240 --> 00:07:42.800 And without realizing any of this, under my shadow side of perfectionism, I stop writing for the thousands of women I'm genuinely trying to serve and I start writing for that one hypothetical critic who may or may not exist. 00:07:43.279 --> 00:07:47.040 Years ago this process would consume me without my recognition. 00:07:47.199 --> 00:07:51.519 What I thought was that I was just being thorough with the process. 00:07:51.759 --> 00:07:57.040 I thought I was pursuing excellence because excellence is something Islam encourages. 00:07:57.279 --> 00:08:16.959 I couldn't see underneath all of these virtues was a pattern of my old belief that my worth was somehow tied to me getting it exactly right every time, and that the quality of my work was dependent on it not having any critic, which of course leads to me not having produced any book. 00:08:17.120 --> 00:08:20.319 The shadow side is not that I want excellence. 00:08:20.639 --> 00:08:25.920 The shadow is believing that perfection could protect me from being misunderstood. 00:08:26.160 --> 00:08:31.199 Now, after having done this work, the body catches it much earlier than my mind does. 00:08:31.519 --> 00:08:38.480 I notice that there's something very shallow in my breathing or there's some tightness or tension in my body that I'm holding. 00:08:38.720 --> 00:08:49.440 And this shows up that instead of feeling excited about the idea that I'm writing a book, I begin feeling responsible for controlling every reaction another human being could hold. 00:08:49.759 --> 00:08:58.559 Now, these bodily sensations become my invitation to pause because they tell me that I'm no longer creating from clarity. 00:08:58.879 --> 00:09:02.480 They tell me that I'm stuck in perfectionism or self protection. 00:09:02.879 --> 00:09:07.759 That is what I mean when I say that the body starts helping you to do your shadow work. 00:09:08.000 --> 00:09:14.480 The body is so intelligent that it does not allow the shadow to stay in the unconscious any longer. 00:09:14.720 --> 00:09:20.960 It doesn't resolve the pattern for me, but it does alert me to the pattern that has entered the room. 00:09:21.120 --> 00:09:34.080 And once I recognize that signal, I can consciously decide whether I'm genuinely improving the work or if I'm trying to soothe an old insecurity by rewriting the same paragraph fifteen times. 00:09:34.399 --> 00:09:36.960 More often than not, the body is right. 00:09:37.120 --> 00:09:46.080 It reminds me that my responsibility is to communicate with sincerity, and my responsibility is not to control every single person's outcome. 00:09:46.320 --> 00:09:48.879 So now let's move on to some generic examples. 00:09:49.039 --> 00:10:00.559 Let's say you are an intelligent, educated working woman, but every time you see your mother, something gets triggered because you never really healed the effects of her criticism that she had on you. 00:10:00.799 --> 00:10:05.039 So then now you start being on edge every time you're around her. 00:10:05.279 --> 00:10:18.399 And if this dynamic is hidden, it's considered your shadow side, meaning you're not consciously aware why you're triggered, you don't know what the origin of all of this is, you just know that you feel uneasy or on the edge. 00:10:18.639 --> 00:10:24.240 You don't like the way you feel, and you know something's wrong, but you might not

be able to pinpoint it. 00:10:24.399 --> 00:10:46.799 Your specific shadow work would involve bringing this into light, healing any sense of blame that you might be feeling, that again might be the result of childhood criticisms that you heard, softening the triggers around talking about the situation so that you can explore it safely, and allow somebody else to hold space for that if that's what you need in the beginning. 00:10:47.120 --> 00:11:02.799 As long as that internalized insecurity that your mother's criticism made you falsely believe about yourself stays in the shadow side, meaning you're not even aware that it exists, that insecurity is going to show up in all matters of your life. 00:11:03.039 --> 00:11:06.799 So when you decide to do this work, you will find it hard in the beginning. 00:11:06.960 --> 00:11:20.000 It will be hard work to clean up all of that, to understand why you're believing your mom's criticism, you might have to heal through self-blame, you might have to heal through victimhood or externalization of the blame. 00:11:20.159 --> 00:11:34.480 And while you're doing this hard work, in any good healing journey, you become more and more in touch with your body, your somatic sensations, and this is where your body gets recruited to do the future shadow work for you. 00:11:34.799 --> 00:11:46.879 When you're making space for the discomfort and becoming familiar with the sensations of the discomfort that insecurity brings in your life, this awareness brings you closer to the ability to listen to your body. 00:11:47.039 --> 00:11:52.320 And this communication with your body is what gets silenced as the after effect of trauma. 00:11:52.480 --> 00:12:03.919 So when you are in communication with your body, when you can listen to it without shutting it down or without expanding it into further drama, then the body starts to tell you a lot of useful information. 00:12:04.399 --> 00:12:13.600 Through this back and forth communication, you being in touch with your body next time any insecurity shows up becomes much easier for you to recognize. 00:12:13.759 --> 00:12:25.360 Because let's say your boss didn't say good morning to you in the elevator and you start feeling like you've done something wrong, and your fear escalates to just about saying that you're about to get fired. 00:12:25.600 --> 00:12:31.600 Your body will let you know that this might be your insecurity speaking, and you can gently correct it. 00:12:31.840 --> 00:12:34.879 You said good morning to your boss, but she didn't reply back. 00:12:35.120 --> 00:12:40.480 You allow yourself to believe that maybe she's having a bad day, or maybe she's busy. 00:12:40.720 --> 00:12:43.120 She's planning a surprise party for you. 00:12:43.440 --> 00:12:49.039 You can believe whatever you want just as long as you're conscious to your body's accused to it. 00:12:49.279 --> 00:12:57.200 Your body reminded you that you're slipping into your shadow belief and you're allowed to correct that error without catastrophizing it. 00:12:57.519 --> 00:13:01.360 The shadow belief disguises itself as something true. 00:13:01.600 --> 00:13:08.320 Like my perfectionistic tendencies, it was telling me that it's something valuable, like my pursuit of excellence. 00:13:08.639 --> 00:13:17.200 Or your mom's criticism will look like true because you have collected a lifetime of evidence of how you are not the best at what you do. 00:13:17.519 --> 00:13:31.679 The same insecurity and poor confidence that you internalize growing up, when you see it showing up in another situation with practice, the body will make you aware of it and you will not listen to it immediately. 00:13:31.919 --> 00:13:40.399 You will reject it as the shadow side because you will recognize it that it's your mind fear mongering based on your previous insecurity. 00:13:40.879 --> 00:13:51.600 Now notice, same shadow work that was your burden before healing is now your GPS because your body is doing the work of informing you automatically. 00:13:51.840 --> 00:14:04.960 When you go through enough of these cycles and heal enough aspects in your life, your body will start to do the shadow work for you, without you having to spend conscious effort into explaining every insecurity. 00:14:05.200 --> 00:14:14.720 One warning that I want to tell you is that in these examples I simplified the story a lot because I wanted to explain to you linearly that's how the process works. 00:14:14.879 --> 00:14:19.279 But of course, your individual experience might not be as linear, and that's okay. 00:14:19.519 --> 00:14:24.000 What I wanted to do is explain it like this for the purposes of this demonstration. 00:14:24.720 --> 00:14:27.600 The process is simple, but it is not easy. 00:14:27.840 --> 00:14:36.480 And if as always this example doesn't resonate with you, insert your specific challenge into it and figure out how it applies to you. 00:14:36.639 --> 00:14:47.759 It could be a scarcity mindset, it could be difficulty with infertility, it could be with a diagnosis, it could be fear of not having high enough faith and takwah all the time. 00:14:48.000 --> 00:14:51.679 It could be a belief that all of your marriage prospects are just stupid people. 00:14:51.919 --> 00:15:00.879 Whatever your challenge is inviting you to do, your shadow work is your perpetual gift, which is what you get at the end of this hard work. 00:15:01.360 --> 00:15:11.679 The gift that keeps on giving as an outcome of doing this shadow work is that you become more in tune with your body, which makes any future work much easier to do. 00:15:11.840 --> 00:15:20.240 The shadow work is the unconscious emotional contract that are limited beliefs that otherwise look like virtues. 00:15:20.559 --> 00:15:23.519 Your mother's criticism is not the shadow. 00:15:23.840 --> 00:15:27.039 My perfectionistic tendency is not the shadow. 00:15:27.360 --> 00:15:35.279 The shadow is the meaning our younger self constructs in

order to survive these criticisms and these tendencies. 00:15:35.519 --> 00:15:39.039 Perhaps the meaning you made was I will never be enough. 00:15:39.279 --> 00:15:42.320 Perhaps it was I have to earn approval. 00:15:42.559 --> 00:15:47.200 Maybe you thought to yourself is someone is unhappy, I am unsafe. 00:15:47.440 --> 00:15:55.679 And years later when your boss walks past you without saying good morning, you do not consciously retrieve the childhood belief. 00:15:55.840 --> 00:16:01.919 Instead, your nervous system instantly applies the old meaning to a completely unrelated event. 00:16:02.159 --> 00:16:05.200 That is what makes it shadow, the invisible. 00:16:05.519 --> 00:16:12.559 You don't experience yourself interpreting the situation, you experience yourself as accurately perceiving reality. 00:16:12.879 --> 00:16:21.600 This is why the body becomes so important, because it recognizes the familiar physiological signature of an old interpretation. 00:16:21.840 --> 00:16:32.159 So the shadow is the unconscious meaning that your nervous system continues to assign to present day experiences based on some unresolved experiences of the past. 00:16:32.720 --> 00:16:40.000 Most women think that they have to be afraid of their shadow because they believe somehow they will discover something very ugly about themselves. 00:16:40.159 --> 00:16:49.759 They imagine that if they look deeply enough, they will uncover proof that they really are inadequate, or unlovable, or selfish, or arrogant, or broken. 00:16:50.080 --> 00:16:57.679 The shadow becomes this dark basement that people refuse to enter because they're convinced that there is a monster living there. 00:16:57.840 --> 00:17:03.840 But in my experience after coaching hundreds of women, that is almost never what they find. 00:17:04.079 --> 00:17:05.920 What they find is not a monster. 00:17:06.160 --> 00:17:11.519 What they find is a frightened younger version of themselves who believed a lie all this time. 00:17:11.759 --> 00:17:15.519 Because at that time it was the only explanation her nervous system offered. 00:17:15.839 --> 00:17:18.720 The shadow does not contain hidden truths. 00:17:19.039 --> 00:17:23.519 It contains hidden conclusions, misunderstandings, if you will. 00:17:23.839 --> 00:17:26.480 It contains just outdated predictions. 00:17:26.640 --> 00:17:29.599 What you find is not an ultimate truth about yourself. 00:17:29.759 --> 00:17:31.519 It's just another false belief. 00:17:31.759 --> 00:17:39.839 The shadow is full of cognitive errors that your nervous system has repeated for so many years that now it feels like objective reality. 00:17:40.240 --> 00:17:44.079 As a physician, my shadow was that I'm not good at what I do. 00:17:44.319 --> 00:17:48.799 If I didn't correct it in time, my mind would build evidence for that. 00:17:48.960 --> 00:17:55.200 And it would do it despite me passing my boards and residency and any other qualifications that are required. 00:17:55.440 --> 00:18:04.640 And to counter that evidence that I am inadequate, I would be working really hard to prove this belief wrong and burning the candle from both ends. 00:18:04.880 --> 00:18:09.599 This is why shadow work is actually much less frightening than people imagine. 00:18:09.839 --> 00:18:15.359 You're not digging through your psyche hoping you don't discover that you're secretly defective. 00:18:15.519 --> 00:18:21.119 You're uncovering the faulty code that your nervous system wrote maybe decades ago. 00:18:21.279 --> 00:18:26.720 You're discovering lies like if someone is disappointed in me, I must have failed. 00:18:26.960 --> 00:18:30.000 Or if I make a mistake, I lose my value. 00:18:30.240 --> 00:18:34.480 If someone misunderstands me, I must not have written a good book. 00:18:34.720 --> 00:18:37.440 This is why awareness is so liberating. 00:18:37.759 --> 00:18:42.400 The moment your body makes a belief available to you, you can examine it. 00:18:42.640 --> 00:18:49.920 You can compare it against your current life, and you can ask it whether it still deserves to run in the background. 00:18:50.240 --> 00:18:56.079 So in summary, your shadow is not your anger, jealousy, anxiety, or insecurity. 00:18:56.240 --> 00:19:06.480 The shadow is the hidden interpretation of your nervous system that it automatically assigns to present day events because of unresolved past experiences. 00:19:06.799 --> 00:19:13.519 Human beings avoid doing shadow work because they're afraid they will uncover some horrible truth about themselves. 00:19:13.759 --> 00:19:20.319 Instead, universally, what they discover is a faulty conclusion, an overgeneralization. 00:19:20.559 --> 00:19:30.000 Healing changes your relationship with your body, which is the mechanism through which eventually your body makes shadow work much easier for you. 00:19:30.559 --> 00:19:36.880 I always encourage you to recruit your body into the healing, which is what makes this work so enjoyable. 00:19:37.279 --> 00:19:44.400 With that I pray to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, O Allah, bring into light every hidden belief that keeps me distant from you. 00:19:44.720 --> 00:19:48.880 Ya Allah, bring me closer to the abundant life that you have written for me. 00:19:49.359 --> 00:19:59.359 Replace my fears with truth, make my healing easy, my heart sincere, and let healing of every shadow become another step to get closer to you. 00:19:59.680 --> 00:20:00.880 Amin Ya Rabullah. 00:20:01.359 --> 00:20:02.640 Please keep me in your du'as. 00:20:02.880 --> 00:20:04.240 I will talk to you guys next time.