Full Transcript for Relational Intelligence For Introverts

relying on a personality description of introversion and extroversion that was keeping me chained. 00:04:46.720 --> 00:04:49.759 Don't get me wrong, I'm still very much an introvert. 00:04:49.920 --> 00:04:52.879 I gain energy, I relax by being alone. 00:04:53.120 --> 00:05:07.120 And since I value relationships, I value contribution, I built these relationships through systems, especially because I don't want to delegate a lot of my working memory for remembering all of the details of these relationships. 00:05:07.279 --> 00:05:10.079 And for that reason I created systems. 00:05:10.319 --> 00:05:15.600 Every meaningful area of my life improves the moment I build systems around it. 00:05:15.839 --> 00:05:17.920 And relationships are no different. 00:05:18.160 --> 00:05:22.879 And you already understand this principle at some level because you understand how investments work. 00:05:23.120 --> 00:05:31.120 Because imagine somebody asked you how you became financially secure, and you answered, I consistently invested over 20 years. 00:05:31.360 --> 00:05:33.199 I have a system built in place. 00:05:33.360 --> 00:05:37.680 Now imagine they replied with no, you're just naturally wealthy. 00:05:38.000 --> 00:05:42.480 That would sound absurd to you because you understand how compounding works with money. 00:05:42.720 --> 00:05:55.600 Yet the moment you look at someone with extraordinary relationship wealth, you suddenly forget everything you know about the concept of compounding, and you try to explain it away by saying they're just naturally charismatic and social. 00:05:56.000 --> 00:05:57.040 No, they're not. 00:05:57.279 --> 00:06:12.639 Or maybe they are, but what you are actually looking for is what's going to benefit you, and that is you noticing that they invested in thousands of small relational investments and that compounded over the years until they became giants and impossible to ignore. 00:06:13.199 --> 00:06:18.639 You can choose the relationships you want to compound over time or the ones you want to phase out. 00:06:18.800 --> 00:06:24.240 And there's no shame regarding phasing the relationships out that have completed their cycle. 00:06:24.560 --> 00:06:31.920 You're contributing towards relationship investments every time you remember somebody else's struggle and you make dua for them. 00:06:32.160 --> 00:06:42.800 Every time you celebrate someone else's victory, every sincere congratulation, every introduction between two people, these are all deposits in your relational equity. 00:06:42.959 --> 00:06:45.600 And the opposite of course is also true. 00:06:46.000 --> 00:06:57.040 Every time you tell yourself you're too busy to check in, it takes too much of your time and energy, you're too overwhelmed to host, this is going to create an empty bank account from which you can't withdraw. 00:06:57.279 --> 00:07:04.480 One of the very important factors that plays a huge role in this dynamic is the Muslim woman's individualism trap. 00:07:04.720 --> 00:07:11.839 And I think because of the Western culture, a lot of Muslim women have been absorbed in an individualistic definition of success. 00:07:12.079 --> 00:07:16.720 You might tell yourself, I'll heal first and then I'll build relationships. 00:07:16.879 --> 00:07:22.240 I'll become successful first and confident first and then people will be attracted to me. 00:07:22.399 --> 00:07:26.399 I'll build my business first and then that's how I'll create a community. 00:07:26.639 --> 00:07:30.720 But you also have to remember that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala created you for relationships. 00:07:30.879 --> 00:07:34.000 Your nervous system regulates through safe connection. 00:07:34.240 --> 00:07:38.959 And while that is the case, your character also develops through difficult people. 00:07:39.600 --> 00:07:45.439 Think of it like this your patience requires another human being to practice itself against. 00:07:45.680 --> 00:07:48.879 Your generosity requires somebody to give to. 00:07:49.040 --> 00:07:53.759 So Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala uses all of these mechanisms to make you emotionally healthy. 00:07:54.000 --> 00:08:06.639 So for all of my introverted women that are listening, while social capital is an amazing asset, you can develop it in a communal, non extractive, non exploitative way. 00:08:06.800 --> 00:08:11.040 You can let go all of your definition of individualistic success. 00:08:11.279 --> 00:08:14.160 You can co-create your success with community. 00:08:14.399 --> 00:08:18.959 And this is a skill like everything else that I teach you in this podcast. 00:08:19.519 --> 00:08:27.040 Someone who is an extrovert comes to this relationship development with a different system compared to someone who's an introvert. 00:08:27.199 --> 00:08:29.759 It's just a matter of knowing what works for you. 00:08:29.920 --> 00:08:43.120 And yes, I keep repeating the word systems here because the easiest way for me to coach you remotely is to make it super simple and applicable and show you how to place systems in your life that does these things beautifully. 00:08:43.360 --> 00:08:56.000 So if you have aspirations to have a wealth of beautiful and meaningful relationships and it is currently requiring so much of your energy that it seems impossible, then you need to develop your relational operating system. 00:08:56.240 --> 00:08:57.519 You need architecture. 00:08:57.679 --> 00:09:00.159 You might already have all the information that you need. 00:09:00.399 --> 00:09:09.840 Through this architecture, when the system starts to come to shape, you will see that the work it usually took for you to create these relationships has been cut in half. 00:09:10.159 --> 00:09:14.000 I personally created a system that is directly in line with my values. 00:09:14.240 --> 00:09:17.919 Values being that I want to celebrate other women in their success. 00:09:18.159 --> 00:09:22.000 I want to show support when she's going through a hard time.

00:09:22.240 --> 00:09:28.480 So according to that system, I don't wake up every morning wondering whether I should reach out to someone or not. 00:09:28.960 --> 00:09:32.879 The system that I've put into place has already decided that for me. 00:09:33.120 --> 00:09:39.759 I don't wonder whether I should congratulate somebody in person over a text message or just say it on their Instagram reel. 00:09:40.000 --> 00:09:42.000 The system takes the confusion out. 00:09:42.159 --> 00:09:51.759 The confusion would have me believe that I'm unable to reach out because I'm an introvert, while the system decides that I reach out regardless of what means I do it through. 00:09:52.000 --> 00:09:54.399 The system eliminates decision fatigue. 00:09:54.559 --> 00:09:59.120 You don't sit there and worry about how you don't want to sound ignorant in your message. 00:09:59.360 --> 00:10:05.919 You don't worry about how you haven't seen her in so long and saying sorry for your loss seems out of the blue. 00:10:06.159 --> 00:10:13.200 You just message, you reach out to the person based on your system in place that is founded in your values. 00:10:13.440 --> 00:10:15.519 It takes drama out of the picture. 00:10:15.679 --> 00:10:18.639 It saves you immense decision fatigue. 00:10:19.120 --> 00:10:26.559 If you have to think for more than 30 seconds about who you want to reach out to, you don't have a strong enough system in place yet. 00:10:26.720 --> 00:10:33.919 And this does not have to be an extremely sophisticated system, although your AI employee might already be very capable of creating it. 00:10:34.159 --> 00:10:42.080 The system can just be that you open your contacts and you give it a big swipe up and you close your eyes and you stop at the contact. 00:10:42.399 --> 00:10:45.759 And whatever contact you land it at, you're going to talk to them. 00:10:46.000 --> 00:10:50.000 The system can be that you do this process with a physical contact book. 00:10:50.399 --> 00:11:03.039 Your system can be literally anything that your individual intelligent mind creates for you until it becomes a habit, and you will see that this way your relationships will begin to compound automatically. 00:11:03.360 --> 00:11:07.600 Ask yourself uplifting questions Who can I elevate today? 00:11:07.840 --> 00:11:09.440 Who can I connect today? 00:11:09.759 --> 00:11:11.840 Whose voice can I amplify? 00:11:12.080 --> 00:11:14.320 Whose work can I make visible? 00:11:14.639 --> 00:11:16.879 Who can I publicly celebrate? 00:11:17.200 --> 00:11:22.000 How can I create spaces where people naturally meet and feel comfortable? 00:11:22.240 --> 00:11:28.320 Through these systems when you become a woman who builds bridges, you're going to become unforgettable. 00:11:28.559 --> 00:11:34.639 And through this natural flow, you're creating ecosystems where resources naturally circulate. 00:11:34.960 --> 00:11:39.919 People will trust you more if you're consistent and predictable in your dealings with them. 00:11:40.480 --> 00:11:49.279 If this level of relationship building feels like another responsibility, then you're still in the beginning of the process of automating it. 00:11:49.440 --> 00:11:54.960 If it still feels like work, it's because it's not familiar to you yet, and all of that is okay. 00:11:55.200 --> 00:11:57.759 Continue to work and sculpt this system. 00:11:58.000 --> 00:12:00.720 It will take a fascinating shape over time. 00:12:01.360 --> 00:12:10.799 The woman with extraordinary relationships is not the loudest, she's not even the prettiest, she's not even the funniest or the most charismatic person in the room. 00:12:11.039 --> 00:12:13.759 She is simply consistent with her system. 00:12:14.080 --> 00:12:17.200 Whatever system you have to put in place, do so. 00:12:17.679 --> 00:12:22.480 System to remember names, system around what your value dictates. 00:12:22.720 --> 00:12:27.200 Maybe you automate a process of sending handwritten notes to people. 00:12:27.440 --> 00:12:37.840 Maybe when you go to retreats and conferences you send messages in the group chat, or you send individual messages and check back with them months later. 00:12:38.320 --> 00:12:42.799 Maybe you celebrate people when there's absolutely nothing to gain for you. 00:12:43.519 --> 00:12:49.440 As an introvert, my brain frequently says that I want depth and meaning in relationships. 00:12:49.679 --> 00:13:02.480 And while that is true and I have that among my closest relationships and friends, if I use that sentence to create a barrier between me and other women in the world, then I'm not using it correctly. 00:13:02.960 --> 00:13:16.320 Many of you listening to this podcast have incredible depth, depth of ideas and personality, but when you combine this depth with consistency, your influence will begin to expand exponentially. 00:13:16.559 --> 00:13:31.279 I want to clarify a few things when I talk about relational equity and building social capital, especially when I equate this with compounding when it comes to wealth management, it has this subtle implication of turning people into currency. 00:13:31.519 --> 00:13:37.679 When what I actually mean is when people care about someone, they would go out of their way to help them. 00:13:37.919 --> 00:13:40.159 That is a natural compounding effect. 00:13:40.399 --> 00:13:42.799 And you would do the same for someone you care for. 00:13:42.960 --> 00:14:00.000 So I like using this term social capital in this context because all of the language and the understanding you already carry around wealth building, it makes it very easy for me to communicate what I'm trying to say, with the caveat that we're not turning people or their skills into tradable objects. 00:14:00.240 --> 00:14:03.440 And we're not doing this because they go up and down in their value. 00:14:03.679 --> 00:14:11.120 I'm saying this more in the context of how you're building relational equity, especially if it's one of your

foundational values. 00:14:11.600 --> 00:14:15.039 Relational equity is trust, it's goodwill. 00:14:15.200 --> 00:14:22.639 It's becoming the kind of a woman that people instinctively think of because your integrity has become a part of your reputation. 00:14:22.799 --> 00:14:33.440 It is built by repeatedly being curious about people, by uplifting other women, following through with your commitments, and all of this is a sunnah of the Prophet, peace be upon him. 00:14:33.759 --> 00:14:38.240 He had one of the highest relational and social intelligences ever recorded. 00:14:38.320 --> 00:14:46.159 I mention this because we separate personal development from Islam as though building relationships is a modern business strategy. 00:14:46.320 --> 00:14:48.720 Don't forget it is prophetic guidance. 00:14:48.960 --> 00:14:54.720 The Prophet, peace be upon him, strengthened the community, even before the revelation. 00:14:54.960 --> 00:14:58.240 Healthy relationships are not a distraction from your Deen. 00:14:58.559 --> 00:15:01.200 They are one of its greatest manifestations. 00:15:01.440 --> 00:15:06.320 So for your homework this week, I don't want you to try becoming more extroverted. 00:15:06.559 --> 00:15:10.159 I want you to become intentional with the system you're going to put in place. 00:15:10.399 --> 00:15:12.080 Maybe you want to reach out. 00:15:12.399 --> 00:15:13.759 Introduce two people. 00:15:14.080 --> 00:15:16.799 Maybe you want to invite somebody for tea. 00:15:17.039 --> 00:15:21.600 Think of something that makes for a meaningful deposit in your relational bank account. 00:15:22.320 --> 00:15:24.320 Tell somebody you made dua for them. 00:15:24.480 --> 00:15:27.360 Follow through on a promise that you might have been postponing. 00:15:27.519 --> 00:15:32.879 And if any of these actions seem insignificant, don't fall a victim to that lie. 00:15:33.279 --> 00:15:35.840 Because this is exactly how compounding works. 00:15:36.159 --> 00:15:38.960 No single small investment makes you wealthy. 00:15:39.279 --> 00:15:42.559 No single relationship action changes your life. 00:15:42.799 --> 00:15:45.120 It's the consistency that matters. 00:15:45.840 --> 00:15:57.200 As an introvert, when I want to reach out to more people, and I just dread the amount of energy it's going to take, I just remind myself that I can rest and relax at my own time. 00:15:57.519 --> 00:15:59.600 And that is also a part of my system. 00:15:59.840 --> 00:16:04.960 And outside of that I continue to build the architecture of the system that I've put into place. 00:16:05.360 --> 00:16:07.440 The system helps me meet my goals. 00:16:07.759 --> 00:16:11.840 Your system might include Monday you will text three people. 00:16:12.080 --> 00:16:15.919 Tuesday you will comment thoughtfully on five people's posts. 00:16:16.159 --> 00:16:21.759 Wednesday you will spend extra twenty minutes on your Zoom meeting just talking about personal life. 00:16:22.000 --> 00:16:24.559 Thursday you will invite one person for coffee. 00:16:24.799 --> 00:16:27.679 Friday you will leave a voice note for two people. 00:16:28.080 --> 00:16:30.080 Sunday you will sit in reflection. 00:16:30.320 --> 00:16:31.679 Who energizes me? 00:16:31.840 --> 00:16:33.200 Who shares my values? 00:16:33.440 --> 00:16:35.200 Who do I want to invest in more? 00:16:35.440 --> 00:16:37.759 Who do I want to become closer to? 00:16:38.080 --> 00:16:40.559 How can I improve and revise this system? 00:16:41.120 --> 00:16:44.960 Extroversion and introversion is an energy preference. 00:16:45.279 --> 00:16:47.600 Relational intelligence is a practice. 00:16:47.840 --> 00:16:50.879 You're looking for the output of successful connection. 00:16:51.120 --> 00:16:57.759 What you're seeing is the result of repeated relationship investments and actually enjoying the process. 00:16:57.919 --> 00:17:01.360 Both introverts and extroverts have that capacity. 00:17:02.000 --> 00:17:06.319 The woman with the strongest relationships is the woman with the strongest system. 00:17:06.640 --> 00:17:10.559 And she might not call it that because it comes naturally to her. 00:17:10.880 --> 00:17:15.920 But you have my permission to call it that, and you can create a system that suits you best. 00:17:16.319 --> 00:17:22.400 So after this podcast, I want you to stop calling yourself an introvert as though it explains your future. 00:17:22.640 --> 00:17:28.960 Maybe you are an introvert, maybe you're an ambivert, maybe you recharge yourself by being alone. 00:17:29.200 --> 00:17:35.039 None of this determines the quality of the relationships that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala has written for you in your risk. 00:17:35.519 --> 00:17:43.039 Every relationship you intentionally nurture becomes another opportunity for you to love another human being for the sake of Allah. 00:17:43.279 --> 00:17:48.880 And perhaps your greatest legacy will be the people who became better because they knew you. 00:17:49.200 --> 00:17:54.240 Years from now, your life will not be the result of your intelligence or your degrees. 00:17:54.559 --> 00:17:58.160 It will be the result of the people you intentionally invested in. 00:17:58.400 --> 00:18:06.960 Relationships do truly compound like wealth, and the greatest investment you made this week will be the connection you made with another human being. 00:18:07.519 --> 00:18:13.519 With that I pray to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, O Allah, make me the source of connection. 00:18:13.839 --> 00:18:19.279 Purify my intentions so that I seek people for your sake and not for my ego. 00:18:19.599 --> 00:18:24.400 Praise sincerity in my heart when it comes to generosity in my relationships. 00:18:24.720 --> 00:18:28.400 Surround me with companions who bring me closer to you, Yarab. 00:18:28.720 --> 00:18:33.920 Help me develop the skill of making somebody else feeling seen and honored. 00:18:34.079 --> 00:18:44.799 Bless the relationships you've already written for me, and allow every act of kindness and every sincere connection to become an investment that earns your pleasure alone. 00:18:45.039 --> 00:18:50.079 Amin Yarab Al Amin, please keep me in your draas, I will talk to you guys next time.