TRANSCRIPT 🔗
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Picture this. The journey ahead starts here together
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and together we can build a brighter future.
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You are listening to Illuminating Hope, a podcast
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of Hope House. Welcome back to Illuminating Hope,
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a podcast of Hope House. I'm Tina Johnson. Today
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we're going to be talking about the incompetent
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suitor. But before we begin, I want to be very
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clear about the purpose of this series. Understanding
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the different types of stalking is not about
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excusing or sympathizing with abusive behavior.
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This information exists so survivors can better
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recognize patterns, strengthen safety planning,
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and trust their instincts. There's never an excuse
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for stalking. Responsibility always lies. with
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the person choosing the behavior and never the
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survivor. I am going to present a challenge of
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common excuses or maybe name what gets minimized.
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There's a type of stalking that often gets brushed
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off as awkwardness, persistence, or not knowing
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better. Today we're talking about the incompetent
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suitor and why harm doesn't. disappear just because
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intent is minimized. So what is an incompetent
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suitor? The incompetent suitor stalks in the
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context of loneliness and could be sexual desire.
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Their targets are usually strangers or acquaintances.
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Unlike the intimacy -seeking stalker, the goal
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here is not a loving relationship but a date
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or a short -term sexual encounter. This behavior
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is about access, not connection. In many cases,
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incompetent suitor stalk for relatively short
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periods of time, but when the behavior continues,
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it's often because the stalker is indifferent
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or blind to the distress that they are causing.
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Just to be clear about an important boundary,
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distress that goes unnoticed by the pursuer is
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still distress. Sometimes this insensitivity
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is linked to cognitive limitation, poor social
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skills, or different conditions and disorders.
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Understanding neurodiversity helps explain the
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behavior, but it does not excuse the harm. Boundaries
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still matter, consent still matters, and safety
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still matters. And just to add some clarity,
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people with disabilities are not inherently dangerous,
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but survivors are not required to endure harm
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in the name of compassion. This type of stalking
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may look like repeated advances after rejection,
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maybe sexualized comments, showing up repeatedly
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in shared spaces, or continued contact despite
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clear discomfort. Often victims are told to be
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nice or give them a chance or not to make a big
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deal about it. But discomfort is a boundary and
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boundaries don't require justification. So let's
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pause to reframe and remove guilt or social pressures.
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You are not responsible for teaching someone
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how to respect your boundaries and you're not
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obligated to sacrifice your safety to spare someone
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else's feelings. No explanation is required for
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a no. Your no can be a complete sentence on its
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own. In closing, naming the incompetent suitor
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helps us to stop minimizing harm and start prioritizing
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safety. In our final episode, we'll talk about
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the predatory stalker. The predatory stalker
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is the most dangerous and deliberate form of
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stalking. If you or someone you know is experiencing
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stalking, support is available through your local
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police department, domestic violence organizations
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like Hope House, or the National Domestic Violent
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Hotline at 1 -800 -799 -SAFE. Thank you for listening
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to Illuminating Hope, a podcast of Hope House.