Full Transcript for When Everything Feels Urgent

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WEBVTT 00:00:01.409 --> 00:00:09.118 There's these little pauses that you can build into your life to prevent you from jumping into a reactionary mode and think about responsiveness. 00:00:23.935 --> 00:00:26.458 Welcome to the Happy and Human Podcast. 00:00:26.780 --> 00:00:27.780 I'm your host, Dr. 00:00:27.800 --> 00:00:28.501 Seema Desai. 00:00:28.833 --> 00:00:31.478 And I'm here with my friend and co-host, Dinesh Malani. 00:00:32.238 --> 00:00:39.148 We're a dentist and attorney duo and are both certified coaches who specialize in performance and success coaching. 00:00:39.167 --> 00:00:52.847 In the Happy and Human podcast, we dive into the philosophies, strategies, and tools that help us live happier, healthier, or productive lives that lead to our highest successes, all while creating a deep sense of fulfillment and joy. 00:00:53.328 --> 00:00:54.590 Welcome to our show. 00:01:08.930 --> 00:01:12.254 Dinesh, I want you to play along with me here. 00:01:12.674 --> 00:01:13.194 Let's do it. 00:01:13.555 --> 00:01:13.814 Okay. 00:01:14.475 --> 00:01:14.695 All right. 00:01:14.775 --> 00:01:17.879 So imagine you are away from the office. 00:01:18.180 --> 00:01:20.322 Let's say you're doing something for you. 00:01:20.462 --> 00:01:34.837 You're at your barbecue workshop or you're with your family and ding, you hear the phone ring and you pick it up and you see it's an email and it's from a client and the subject matter is, I need you to call me ASAP. 00:01:35.298 --> 00:01:41.284 What are things that go through your mind and what do you do in situations like this? 00:01:42.385 --> 00:01:47.450 I probably have a little bit of a different view than most people. 00:01:47.469 --> 00:01:56.097 I have to say that what works for me probably wouldn't work for someone else and what works for someone else probably doesn't work for me, but it's so highly fact dependent. 00:01:56.358 --> 00:01:57.939 It is absolutely fact dependent. 00:01:58.159 --> 00:02:04.546 Things that would go into influencing what I did or what I thought would be, what day is it? 00:02:05.602 --> 00:02:08.006 What time of day are we talking about? 00:02:08.045 --> 00:02:24.252 If we're talking about Monday at 10 o'clock of a workday where I am, you know, away from the office about to board a flight or something like that, that's a totally different story than a Sunday night at 9 o'clock or something like that, right? 00:02:24.954 --> 00:02:29.942 And I think I'm not trying to lead what way I would come out. 00:02:30.337 --> 00:02:35.745 Because something at 9 o'clock could be even more urgent than something at Monday at 10 o'clock, right? 00:02:36.324 --> 00:02:40.689 And so I'd need more information to be able to tell you what I would do. 00:02:40.730 --> 00:02:53.406 But assuming it's a regular workday and I'm out at a seminar or a conference and I see my phone, I would tend to call back. 00:02:53.698 --> 00:02:54.239 right away. 00:02:54.819 --> 00:03:05.617 I value and I prioritize responsiveness because responsiveness is one of those tangibles that leads to trust and credibility. 00:03:06.118 --> 00:03:12.368 I don't think a lot of people recognize that responsiveness is a way for people to measure how reliable you are. 00:03:12.389 --> 00:03:13.290 And 00:03:13.350 --> 00:03:21.104 so I tend to prioritize responsiveness over setting a boundary for the sake of boundaries, right? 00:03:21.224 --> 00:03:21.526 Sure. 00:03:21.545 --> 00:03:35.562 And I think if nine times out of 10, I'm responsive, the one time that I'm not, people are more likely to say, okay, well, that's a legitimate boundary, or I can understand why he didn't reply back. 00:03:36.081 --> 00:03:41.829 That's a long way of saying a very legal lawyer oriented answer that it really depends, maybe. 00:03:42.489 --> 00:03:44.170 Of course, there is nuance. 00:03:45.332 --> 00:03:55.341 And I don't think we could really paint a scenario that would accurately represent every variable to consider for the sake of this podcast, right? 00:03:55.381 --> 00:03:59.706 So there is absolutely that to just say right off the bat. 00:03:59.826 --> 00:04:00.647 It's nuanced. 00:04:01.008 --> 00:04:01.669 It depends. 00:04:01.709 --> 00:04:04.712 I love what you said about being responsive. 00:04:04.752 --> 00:04:18.627 That is something that you recognize as a personal value to you, that you want to see in other people, that you recognize as valuable in other people, and also for you to be that person for the people in your life. 00:04:19.009 --> 00:04:22.035 That's a really high sense of awareness that you have. 00:04:22.055 --> 00:04:36.766 I don't know that for me in a past version of myself, I would have been really clear on what my personal values were and whether or not I was acting in accordance with them or whether other people were acting in accordance with them. 00:04:36.807 --> 00:04:37.288 Yeah. 00:04:37.548 --> 00:04:41.314 I think what happens a lot is that we're not clear on what our priorities are. 00:04:41.533 --> 00:04:43.377 Let me give you an example, right? 00:04:43.617 --> 00:04:58.619 Let's say you have coaching clients and your business is to coach people through Zoom and you have set up a meeting with your VA or your accountant or something like that. 00:04:59.079 --> 00:04:59.300 Sure. 00:05:00.180 --> 00:05:04.562 And A client messages you and say, hey, I need to talk right now. 00:05:05.223 --> 00:05:09.230 You're in the middle of this business call that is an internal call. 00:05:10.831 --> 00:05:16.220 A lot of people I've seen would say, no, I've scheduled this time with the accountant. 00:05:16.459 --> 00:05:17.541 This needs to get done. 00:05:17.581 --> 00:05:19.485 This is my priority. 00:05:19.524 --> 00:05:22.108 I'm going to finish this meeting and then get back to the client. 00:05:23.009 --> 00:05:24.492 I actually have a slightly different perspective. 00:05:24.771 --> 00:05:27.877 Your business doesn't exist without that

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coaching client. 00:05:28.517 --> 00:05:28.637 Mm-hmm. 00:05:28.737 --> 00:05:35.326 And there's no need to have an accounting conversation or an internal VA conversation without a business. 00:05:36.028 --> 00:05:41.976 So I dynamically try to prioritize the thing that matters most in that moment. 00:05:42.697 --> 00:05:46.163 Because we can have all these internal meetings all we want. 00:05:46.202 --> 00:05:47.485 There's no money coming in the door. 00:05:48.185 --> 00:05:51.269 There is no business and there's no need to have those meetings, right? 00:05:51.451 --> 00:05:56.377 So I, in that scenario, would say, hang on one second, I need to reschedule this. 00:05:56.994 --> 00:06:00.959 The thing that keeps the light on is the client that needs me right now. 00:06:00.999 --> 00:06:04.403 And so I'm going to get off the phone with you and go to that meeting. 00:06:04.644 --> 00:06:27.086 Now, having said that, after a bit of experience in whatever aspect of life you're in, you can anticipate 90% of urgencies and you can build systems and redundancies in your own life for yourself of where those types of urgencies or things that parachute into your life aren't as disruptive. 00:06:27.245 --> 00:06:28.166 You can manage your mind. 00:06:28.187 --> 00:06:32.632 So you can default less to a reaction and more to a response. 00:06:33.112 --> 00:06:41.180 If anyone thinks that, hey, life is not going to throw you curveballs, I can tell you, I get a curveball three, four times a day. 00:06:41.560 --> 00:06:43.622 And it's all about how do you manage that? 00:06:43.822 --> 00:06:45.103 And how do you see yourself, I think? 00:06:45.223 --> 00:06:48.666 Because as a leader, wherever we all are, we're all leaders. 00:06:48.947 --> 00:06:50.928 This has been articulated on the podcast before. 00:06:51.149 --> 00:06:54.360 As a leader, It is your job to stop the chaos. 00:06:54.540 --> 00:06:58.607 If you think about yourself at a level, at a stratosphere, there's chaos above you. 00:06:58.627 --> 00:07:02.752 It is your job to stop the chaos from permeating below you. 00:07:02.793 --> 00:07:08.180 And if there's chaos below you, it's your job to stop the chaos from permeating above. 00:07:08.360 --> 00:07:09.341 Let me explain what that means. 00:07:09.541 --> 00:07:14.509 Client calls and something happens outside of your control. 00:07:14.548 --> 00:07:18.194 If you let that pass through you, my son gets a concussion. 00:07:18.946 --> 00:07:20.127 And I start freaking out. 00:07:20.367 --> 00:07:21.809 My daughter's going to freak out then, right? 00:07:22.230 --> 00:07:31.862 If there's an urgency in my law firm, in someone who's working, let's say there's a health emergency or financial emergency or something else, they can't do it. 00:07:32.201 --> 00:07:33.983 I let that pass through me to that client. 00:07:34.163 --> 00:07:34.764 That's not a good thing. 00:07:35.206 --> 00:07:37.307 And so that's what I mean as a leader. 00:07:37.348 --> 00:07:45.418 High levels of managing your mind so you're responding as opposed to reacting is what can be... 00:07:46.177 --> 00:07:50.403 beneficial when these types of urgency and curveballs come your way. 00:07:50.983 --> 00:07:51.824 What about you? 00:07:52.125 --> 00:07:52.906 Tell me your perspective. 00:07:53.247 --> 00:08:12.228 What comes to mind for me is that I feel like I'm like a lot of other women who listen to this podcast in that we are coming from the lens of some of us, depending on where we are in our journey, we're people-pleasing and we don't know that we're people-pleasing. 00:08:12.689 --> 00:08:15.934 And we're wondering why we're so exhausted all the time and why it feels so hard. 00:08:16.514 --> 00:08:21.079 And, you know, why we just need a minute to catch a breath. 00:08:21.158 --> 00:08:25.704 And in the moment, it feels like, quote unquote, no one's giving us that moment, right? 00:08:25.783 --> 00:08:28.187 At least those are thoughts that I've had in the past. 00:08:28.887 --> 00:08:31.870 Then you come into the sense of awareness of like, okay, I'm people pleasing. 00:08:31.891 --> 00:08:34.913 I don't really know how to stop. 00:08:34.953 --> 00:08:37.155 I don't know what to do with that piece of information. 00:08:37.296 --> 00:08:40.820 But now I'm aware of this tendency, and that it's not actually serving me. 00:08:41.640 --> 00:08:43.822 And then, you know, you kind of just progress, right? 00:08:43.923 --> 00:08:45.806 So it depends on where you are in your journey. 00:08:45.926 --> 00:09:07.220 But In order to do what you just said, which I completely agree with, as we're all leaders by default or by choice, as people, if we want to create more ease and walk away from many of the stressful situations that can happen without it just jarring us all the time, it's a lot of emotional volatility if we continue to allow the circumstances to dictate what we do. 00:09:07.259 --> 00:09:07.821 If 00:09:07.841 --> 00:09:20.683 we're looking to build some resilience and stability, I do agree with you that you you as the person receiving this information have the opportunity to say, all right, is this actually urgent? 00:09:20.924 --> 00:09:22.927 If you're telling me it's urgent, great. 00:09:22.947 --> 00:09:24.369 How do I want to respond to that? 00:09:24.950 --> 00:09:35.846 And for people pleasers, whether you're a man or a woman or somewhere in between, I don't know how people identify on the show, but that people pleasing, that's another contender with which you're dealing when you're making decisions like this. 00:09:36.506 --> 00:09:36.606 When 00:09:36.626 --> 00:09:47.605 you're unwiring that, oh, I've got to do everything for everybody or you're for fear that I'm going to get reprimanded, lose my job, somebody's going to get hurt, somebody's going to be mad at me. 00:09:47.625 --> 00:09:56.956 Those are all things that kind of come through my mind when things like this happen, whether it's with my kid or

with a client or whoever. 00:09:56.995 --> 00:10:07.408 And I have found that it is immensely helpful when someone's putting urgency on me to stop and just let that sit for a second. 00:10:07.928 --> 00:10:11.754 Because it's very easy to be like, oh my gosh, they said for me to call them ASAP. 00:10:12.354 --> 00:10:13.275 So I'm just going to call. 00:10:13.956 --> 00:10:21.808 And meanwhile, there's other things going on, or you yourself are not mentally in a place where, yeah, you're calling them back. 00:10:22.389 --> 00:10:29.942 But are you calling them back from a mindset that is able to focus and actually be helpful for what they need you for? 00:10:30.342 --> 00:10:33.067 Because if you're calling them back in a frenzy, that's not helpful to anybody. 00:10:33.969 --> 00:10:34.690 Right. 00:10:34.910 --> 00:10:41.961 But isn't a lot of that fictitional story that we make up in our mind about what the consequence is of not calling back. 00:10:42.061 --> 00:10:44.865 Because a lot of urgency, no one puts urgency on anyone. 00:10:45.166 --> 00:10:46.607 The urgency is created. 00:10:46.628 --> 00:10:51.215 I mean, the words ASAP mean, you know, as soon as possible. 00:10:52.275 --> 00:10:53.477 And it doesn't mean right now. 00:10:54.219 --> 00:10:56.481 And so a lot of that is how we interpret it. 00:10:56.562 --> 00:10:59.005 But I want to come back to your people-pleasing topic. 00:10:59.485 --> 00:11:07.577 You know, I'm not sure if people-pleasing registers in my mind as much as not having clear priorities, right? 00:11:07.970 --> 00:11:14.317 for the person, because you can say that it's a people-pleasing tendency, but I think the root of that is not having clear priorities. 00:11:14.639 --> 00:11:16.441 And let me read you a quote from someone. 00:11:16.461 --> 00:11:19.625 I won't tell you who it is, but I want you to tell me what you think of this quote, okay? 00:11:19.825 --> 00:11:20.044 Ready? 00:11:20.166 --> 00:11:21.788 Rivers do not drink their own water. 00:11:21.807 --> 00:11:24.051 Trees do not eat their own fruit. 00:11:24.510 --> 00:11:29.216 The sun does not shine on itself, and flowers do not spread their fragrance for themselves. 00:11:29.977 --> 00:11:32.181 Living for others is a rule of nature. 00:11:32.782 --> 00:11:35.966 We're all born to help each other, no matter how difficult it is. 00:11:36.354 --> 00:11:41.481 Life is good when you're happy, but much better when others are happy because of you. 00:11:42.123 --> 00:11:42.562 Reactions? 00:11:42.764 --> 00:11:43.684 Then I'll tell you who said it. 00:11:44.024 --> 00:11:46.389 I think that there is truth. 00:11:46.629 --> 00:11:54.942 And I think that while that is true, there are also other truths that can be valid at the same time. 00:11:55.562 --> 00:11:55.743 Yeah. 00:11:56.724 --> 00:12:01.572 And I will say I agree with you in that nothing has meaning until you assign it meaning. 00:12:01.611 --> 00:12:03.014 So when somebody says ASAP... 00:12:03.490

--> 00:12:04.392 Yeah. 00:12:04.591 --> 00:12:06.917 You're the one saying, oh my gosh, that means right now. 00:12:07.216 --> 00:12:09.501 Or, oh, okay, well, I'm about to get on a plane. 00:12:09.542 --> 00:12:11.566 It's not really possible for me right now. 00:12:11.947 --> 00:12:17.899 I'm okay with waiting until I'm off the plane and I've got my bags and I'm at my hotel. 00:12:17.918 --> 00:12:17.999 Yeah? 00:12:18.620 --> 00:12:19.581 Yeah. 00:12:19.905 --> 00:12:24.493 But people pleasing, I don't think it's as simple as just priorities. 00:12:24.533 --> 00:12:26.515 There's a lot of trauma that can go into it. 00:12:26.615 --> 00:12:29.119 There's also a lot of negative repercussions. 00:12:29.220 --> 00:12:31.241 People experience things differently. 00:12:31.383 --> 00:12:36.990 While priorities are really helpful in a way of helping people to stop the people pleasing. 00:12:38.172 --> 00:12:38.933 Yes, all the way. 00:12:39.634 --> 00:12:44.061 But it's not as simple as, oh, you're a people pleaser because your priorities are out of line. 00:12:44.481 --> 00:12:44.621 No. 00:12:45.001 --> 00:12:45.263 Explain. 00:12:45.562 --> 00:12:45.844 Say more. 00:12:46.063 --> 00:12:47.326 I'll just speak from my perspective. 00:12:48.162 --> 00:12:58.037 When you grow up in a culture with societal, familial expectations of you will listen, and when you don't listen, you're going to get yelled at. 00:12:58.057 --> 00:13:00.220 There's always fear of some sort of repercussion. 00:13:00.240 --> 00:13:02.724 And so it's not about my priorities. 00:13:02.783 --> 00:13:03.785 It's about safety. 00:13:04.306 --> 00:13:07.051 In any moment, we're acting out of fear or we're acting out of love. 00:13:07.672 --> 00:13:09.134 Those are the two basic human emotions, right? 00:13:09.153 --> 00:13:09.533 You know that. 00:13:10.235 --> 00:13:12.177 So it's just varying shades of those things. 00:13:12.298 --> 00:13:19.607 If you're succumbing to people-pleasing, it's the fear-based thinking that Of like, oh my gosh, I don't want to lose my job. 00:13:19.727 --> 00:13:21.490 Oh my gosh, I don't want them to think poorly of me. 00:13:21.590 --> 00:13:25.914 Oh my gosh, I don't want to create more of a problem because I didn't call them back. 00:13:26.595 --> 00:13:26.755 Right. 00:13:26.936 --> 00:13:28.878 But those are assumptions at some level, right? 00:13:29.138 --> 00:13:30.058 We go back to the meaning. 00:13:30.078 --> 00:13:30.558 Fear is false 00:13:30.600 --> 00:13:31.480 evidence appearing as real. 00:13:31.801 --> 00:13:34.263 Of course it's assumptions. 00:13:34.384 --> 00:13:34.563 Right. 00:13:35.705 --> 00:13:43.712 Now, there may be truth to that, but it doesn't make it true holistically, unequivocally. 00:13:44.293 --> 00:13:44.413 Mm-hmm. 00:13:45.090 --> 00:13:47.815 And also, as you said earlier, it's very nuanced. 00:13:48.115 --> 00:13:49.177 It depends on the situation. 00:13:49.197 --> 00:14:01.601 If you are a physician on call and you know you've got patients that are in life or death situations and that's why they're calling you, ASAP means ASAP right now, this second. 00:14:01.857 --> 00:14:05.022 But you're mentally also in a space where you're like, I know I'm on call. 00:14:05.543 --> 00:14:10.610 And I know if I receive a call to come in or to respond, you know, your priorities are in line. 00:14:11.009 --> 00:14:15.355 But we're not talking about those pre-protected situations. 00:14:15.395 --> 00:14:21.004 We're talking about you're bopping along, you're about to get on a plane and boom, you get this phone call. 00:14:21.124 --> 00:14:26.051 Somebody's got a health scare or, oh, client says that they need you. 00:14:26.571 --> 00:14:30.740 Or a lot of times, Our kids come in and they're like, why? 00:14:30.760 --> 00:14:32.303 I really need something right now. 00:14:32.344 --> 00:14:36.831 And what they believe is right now, not that it's not important to them. 00:14:36.851 --> 00:14:42.782 There is a level of like, okay, I believe that you think it's right now that you need this. 00:14:44.625 --> 00:14:46.628 There's an element of let's teach you. 00:14:46.687 --> 00:14:52.918 Let's teach you to understand what's really important versus urgent versus I can wait. 00:14:53.679 --> 00:14:53.840 Right. 00:14:53.921 --> 00:14:54.100 Yeah? 00:14:54.581 --> 00:14:54.782 Yeah. 00:14:54.977 --> 00:14:56.279 Yeah, no, no, I agree. 00:14:56.600 --> 00:15:05.313 But what happens when it's two competing interests, not between yourself and someone else's demand, but legitimately between two demands? 00:15:05.514 --> 00:15:10.181 I think that's where that what we're coming back to is that, by the way, I didn't tell you who the quote was. 00:15:10.221 --> 00:15:10.662 You want to guess? 00:15:10.782 --> 00:15:12.063 I don't feel like I want to guess. 00:15:12.124 --> 00:15:12.945 No, I want to just know. 00:15:13.025 --> 00:15:16.250 No, Pope Francis, the late Pope Francis, who just passed away. 00:15:16.932 --> 00:15:19.615 He said that on the morning of the 41st day of quarantine. 00:15:20.456 --> 00:15:20.657 Right? 00:15:21.077 --> 00:15:21.258 Yeah. 00:15:21.278 --> 00:15:25.504 So going back to what happens when it's two competing interests. 00:15:25.583 --> 00:15:26.566 And I'll give you an example. 00:15:27.486 --> 00:15:30.650 We were just on a vacation for spring break. 00:15:30.711 --> 00:15:31.673 We were in Turks and Caicos. 00:15:32.052 --> 00:15:34.416 We were with two other families from school. 00:15:35.157 --> 00:15:37.640 And I think we got there Sunday. 00:15:37.660 --> 00:15:44.770 And on Tuesday, I get a phone call that my mom had a little bit of a fall and she had to go to the hospital. 00:15:46.312 --> 00:15:49.878 And so we started thinking like, okay, somebody's got to be there. 00:15:49.918 --> 00:15:51.279 You know, my dad is blind, right? 00:15:51.740 --> 00:15:52.701 Somebody's got to be there. 00:15:53.217 --> 00:16:00.907 And then on Wednesday, we

found out she got intubated because she has severe airway collapse and pneumonia and went to the ICU. 00:16:01.586 --> 00:16:05.030 So now Anjan and I are thinking like, okay, here are two competing interests. 00:16:05.792 --> 00:16:06.513 My parents need me. 00:16:07.333 --> 00:16:08.034 We're on vacation. 00:16:08.615 --> 00:16:10.517 We're out of the country, right? 00:16:10.537 --> 00:16:12.919 There's actually three competing interests that went through my mind. 00:16:13.340 --> 00:16:18.225 Going to my parents, protecting the kids, because like I mentioned, again, the chaos has to stop. 00:16:18.605 --> 00:16:55.655 Now, if I start moping around or freaking out or start packing my bag and saying that's going to be received by them in a much different way than an adult would receive it so my job is to protect them from that and the third competing interest is if I should leave am I sort of putting the kids and Anjana in harm's way to travel back from out of the country with you know all the suitcases and the strollers and everything else right yeah and so There's a lot of possibilities that went through my mind. 00:16:55.676 --> 00:17:01.323 And luckily, we've been through a lot of health scares. 00:17:01.544 --> 00:17:02.787 My mom's been in the hospital. 00:17:02.826 --> 00:17:06.692 And through those learnings, we've built redundancies. 00:17:06.752 --> 00:17:08.395 We've built systems and things like that. 00:17:08.955 --> 00:17:10.878 My brother was able to drive down. 00:17:10.919 --> 00:17:13.042 Thankfully, he's close by enough to drive down. 00:17:13.083 --> 00:17:14.905 My sister was able to go. 00:17:14.925 --> 00:17:17.549 We have someone there who can help out. 00:17:17.857 --> 00:17:20.099 We were able to manage the urgency. 00:17:20.140 --> 00:17:27.528 And I think that's what we're saying here, is that the world is always going to put various demands on your time, the world, regardless of who they are. 00:17:27.548 --> 00:17:32.232 And it isn't up to us to judge the urgency. 00:17:32.272 --> 00:17:36.698 Because like you said, the kid comes in and says, I need this right now. 00:17:36.718 --> 00:17:47.450 It's up to us to manage where we put our focus and how we can better respond, as opposed to allowing that wave of chaos. 00:17:47.874 --> 00:17:48.756 to flow over us. 00:17:49.096 --> 00:17:52.762 And here's why I mentioned the boundary because sometimes you just can't do anything. 00:17:52.983 --> 00:17:59.596 When we found out at nine in the morning or five in the morning when I woke up and she was intubated, the first flight wasn't until 5 p.m. 00:18:00.416 --> 00:18:12.314 So I can spend 12 hours stewing and ruminating and being, you know, afraid of what is going to happen or not happen or we can sort of think about a more thoughtful response. 00:18:12.634 --> 00:18:12.855 Yes. 00:18:13.296 --> 00:18:16.780 As opposed to, and that comes from managing ourselves. 00:18:17.561 --> 00:18:17.701 Correct. 00:18:17.721 --> 00:18:24.532 Less so than determining what is urgent or not urgent or whether the client really needs it or this patient's going to die or not. 00:18:24.553 --> 00:18:35.108 I can tell you, if any physician gets a phone call that says, you're on call, call me ASAP, and they're trapped behind an airbag because they just had a wreck. 00:18:35.750 --> 00:18:35.869 Mm-hmm. 00:18:36.034 --> 00:18:36.694 They're not calling. 00:18:36.855 --> 00:18:40.439 That leads to another important point that I think we might have touched about. 00:18:41.700 --> 00:18:48.407 When we are unable to respond to someone else's demands, whether it's urgent or not, like come to my party, right? 00:18:48.428 --> 00:18:49.009 Or whatever it is. 00:18:49.028 --> 00:18:54.535 A lot of us do a mental gymnastics of the reasoning that we have. 00:18:55.596 --> 00:18:58.618 And we judge whether that reason is acceptable to someone else. 00:18:59.099 --> 00:19:01.722 We have touched on this, but it's a great, it's great to bring up again. 00:19:01.762 --> 00:19:04.286 And before you go further, love to your family. 00:19:04.738 --> 00:19:05.439 Oh, thank you. 00:19:05.638 --> 00:19:05.920 Thank you. 00:19:06.901 --> 00:19:08.904 So someone invites me over to their party or their house. 00:19:09.125 --> 00:19:12.490 And I say, No, I don't want to come because I don't like that part of town. 00:19:12.671 --> 00:19:15.074 I'm thinking that they're going to be like, Well, that's a crappy reason. 00:19:16.016 --> 00:19:18.900 Or if I legitimately tell them like, Hey, I have the flu. 00:19:19.240 --> 00:19:20.782 I don't want to come get people sick at your house. 00:19:21.124 --> 00:19:22.306 Oh, that's a good enough reason. 00:19:22.465 --> 00:19:28.734 And we have to be careful because while the reasons on the edges are clear, like, okay, Dinesh, that's kind of silly. 00:19:28.795 --> 00:19:29.977 You don't want to go to that part of town. 00:19:30.017 --> 00:19:30.897 You live in that part of town. 00:19:31.138 --> 00:19:31.799 Come on, dude. 00:19:32.140 --> 00:19:33.682 Being sick is a legitimate reason. 00:19:34.143 --> 00:19:35.865 But let's say you're like, you know what? 00:19:36.125 --> 00:19:37.567 I'm just not feeling it today. 00:19:37.607 --> 00:19:39.351 I'm a little off. 00:19:39.611 --> 00:19:40.932 Or I've had a long week. 00:19:42.055 --> 00:19:49.025 Or I really need to sit down and get my taxes done or something like that because I'm traveling the next two weeks. 00:19:49.265 --> 00:19:52.349 We are constantly putting stress on ourselves. 00:19:52.738 --> 00:19:56.541 because we're determining whether that reason is acceptable to that person or not. 00:19:57.123 --> 00:20:06.231 There's a really powerful thought that I keep in mind that being late is a problem until you realize someone is sick, right? 00:20:06.593 --> 00:20:10.257 Someone being sick is a problem until you realize someone died. 00:20:11.298 --> 00:20:14.461 Someone dying is a problem until you

realize that your house is on fire. 00:20:14.560 --> 00:20:23.462 Now, I think I butchered it, but the seriousness of the competing interest is what determines the lens we look at, at the thing that's in front of us that's demanding our attention. 00:20:23.863 --> 00:20:24.104 All right. 00:20:24.163 --> 00:20:25.724 So what do I do with that? 00:20:25.885 --> 00:20:26.987 It really is important. 00:20:27.186 --> 00:20:31.010 When we say manage your mind, we mean give yourself pause. 00:20:31.231 --> 00:20:36.237 Don't just react, even though you want to, because you've told yourself a story. 00:20:36.298 --> 00:20:45.400 If I don't do it right now, something's going to happen that I'm not going to be able to handle, or it's going to be more of a problem, or I might lose my job, I might, whatever. 00:20:45.460 --> 00:20:58.838 Just give yourself a moment because when you make a decision out of reactivity or fear, you're literally only operating from the less evolved, less capable parts of your nervous system. 00:20:59.058 --> 00:21:04.866 And so your critical thinking and your solution seeking abilities are greatly hampered. 00:21:05.607 --> 00:21:12.718 So just because a client says, call me ASAP, I'll give you an example of this is just the power of slowing down. 00:21:13.250 --> 00:21:21.180 I was actually in a client meeting two weeks ago, and I get a text from my son who tells me, I've got a splitting headache. 00:21:21.400 --> 00:21:22.300 Please come get me. 00:21:22.320 --> 00:21:24.042 I can't even focus. 00:21:24.423 --> 00:21:25.424 My head really hurts. 00:21:26.826 --> 00:21:29.990 And now I'm like, okay, well, we have those systems built in place, right? 00:21:30.050 --> 00:21:35.017 My phone's on do not disturb, except for the kids and Manish, right? 00:21:35.057 --> 00:21:38.980 Those are the three people that can get to me despite having my phone 00:21:39.000 --> 00:21:39.061 on. 00:21:39.102 --> 00:21:40.462 I can't break through the do not disturb? 00:21:41.044 --> 00:21:41.183 Sorry. 00:21:41.203 --> 00:21:41.785 What is up with that? 00:21:42.164 --> 00:21:42.506 Sorry. 00:21:42.817 --> 00:21:45.221 But no. 00:21:45.342 --> 00:21:49.650 And so I'm sitting here and I told the client, excuse me, there's a text from my son. 00:21:49.690 --> 00:21:50.570 There's a problem. 00:21:50.730 --> 00:21:51.772 Let me just give me a minute. 00:21:52.193 --> 00:21:52.374 Right. 00:21:52.433 --> 00:21:52.835 To read it. 00:21:53.836 --> 00:22:01.809 And I'm sitting here and I'm thinking like, okay, your kids in pain, mama bear instincts want to immediately say, oh my gosh, I'm going to go get you. 00:22:01.849 --> 00:22:08.622 I'm going to, you know, do anything I can, but wait, but wait, like you've got a headache. 00:22:08.801 --> 00:22:09.182 Yes. 00:22:09.403 --> 00:22:09.722 Okay. 00:22:09.863 --> 00:22:11.045 I acknowledge that you're in pain. 00:22:11.085 --> 00:22:16.030 At the same time, I have 20 more minutes of this session that

I am in the middle of. 00:22:16.070 --> 00:22:21.037 And what have you done? 00:22:21.076 --> 00:22:25.481 As someone who's telling me you need help, tell me what you have done. 00:22:25.521 --> 00:22:26.542 Did you go to the nurse? 00:22:26.682 --> 00:22:27.364 The answer was no. 00:22:27.545 --> 00:22:30.027 Have you had some water? 00:22:30.067 --> 00:22:30.949 No. 00:22:31.169 --> 00:22:31.469 Okay. 00:22:31.628 --> 00:22:32.570 Well, all right then. 00:22:32.611 --> 00:22:35.374 I'll circle back with you in a little bit. 00:22:35.554 --> 00:22:39.559 So I finished the client call understanding that there is an interest. 00:22:39.640 --> 00:22:43.786 I chose the client in the moment, which in a previous life, it would have been way harder for me to do. 00:22:44.026 --> 00:22:49.913 But I'm glad I did because later, after I got off with the client, he says, don't come get me. 00:22:49.933 --> 00:22:51.536 I think I was dehydrated. 00:22:51.556 --> 00:22:52.718 I'm feeling much better. 00:22:53.038 --> 00:23:07.615 But so often, especially as parents, when it's our kids, or when it's like a client that's particularly difficult or a case that's high stakes, We want to be so reactive out of fear. 00:23:08.154 --> 00:23:12.080 And so just taking that moment to say, all right, what can I do? 00:23:12.121 --> 00:23:14.263 What do I want to do? 00:23:14.284 --> 00:23:21.594 Oftentimes when people, when they bring urgency to you, they have not paused themselves. 00:23:22.836 --> 00:23:23.135 Yeah. 00:23:23.175 --> 00:23:33.190 And a lot of times what we're saying is not gospel or doctrine or a way of showing that there's a better way to live. 00:23:33.634 --> 00:23:40.540 What we're just hoping to explore on this podcast is some suggestions for what's possible. 00:23:40.840 --> 00:23:43.303 And everything is so factually dependent. 00:23:43.703 --> 00:23:44.723 It really changes. 00:23:44.785 --> 00:23:49.989 I remember I was working with a coach once and talking about this topic about being reactive. 00:23:50.049 --> 00:23:55.233 And he was telling me that one day he saw his son fall out of a tree and broke his leg and the bone popped out. 00:23:55.694 --> 00:24:03.142 And, you know, he sort of took a pause and interjected a pause, sort of like a hmm. 00:24:04.034 --> 00:24:05.357 Let's see what's going on here. 00:24:05.397 --> 00:24:14.804 And there's little tricks where you can slow your mind down, where before you do something, you sort of just count to, you know, three or five or whatever, right? 00:24:15.084 --> 00:24:18.453 I used to watch, I think it's Family Matters, Carl Winslow 00:24:18.473 --> 00:24:19.256 used 00:24:19.276 --> 00:24:22.119 to say, Three, two, one, one, two, three. 00:24:22.160 --> 00:24:23.882 What the heck is bothering me? 00:24:24.321 --> 00:24:25.943 When Steve Urkel would come in, right? 00:24:25.963 --> 00:24:34.032 So there's these little pauses that you can build into your life to prevent you from jumping into a reactionary mode and think about responsiveness. 00:24:34.073 --> 00:24:41.842 And I think a lot of times, urgent things don't progress as quickly as we think they might. 00:24:42.923 --> 00:24:49.269 So in the example of my coach telling me his son broke his leg and the bone was sticking out, well, it's not going to get much worse than that. 00:24:49.634 --> 00:24:50.635 in the moment, right? 00:24:51.276 --> 00:24:58.708 Over six months, his leg might not look so good, but in the one to four hours, it's not going to get much worse, right? 00:24:58.807 --> 00:25:05.577 And if you don't believe me, look at people going to ERs and they're just sitting in the waiting room, right? 00:25:05.597 --> 00:25:10.705 You're in the emergency room and the emergency room has to triage, right? 00:25:11.185 --> 00:25:29.525 And while some people might listen to this podcast and feel that we're maybe pontificating, like, look how good we were able to manage our mind When you go to the ER, there is an intake person there who takes your credit card, your driver's license, your ID, asks you what's wrong. 00:25:30.125 --> 00:25:37.457 And if that person is responsive to everyone who walks in in the ER, it would be total chaos. 00:25:37.637 --> 00:25:48.473 So you have to adopt the mindset that this is something that in the long run will be beneficial if you're able to just triage the things that come your way. 00:25:48.801 --> 00:25:49.102 Right. 00:25:49.403 --> 00:25:49.563 Right. 00:25:49.643 --> 00:25:53.628 And I think that, so here's, here's the thing in the moment, this is great, right? 00:25:53.969 --> 00:26:01.159 If we can start to practice, take a, take a beat, take a, take a moment, take a breath, slow it down. 00:26:01.199 --> 00:26:04.583 It's really, really helpful because you're shifting your nervous system. 00:26:04.763 --> 00:26:09.150 Now you've, you've got access to different parts of your brain that you don't have access to if you don't. 00:26:09.990 --> 00:26:18.182 And then there's the work that you, you mentioned that can only happen when there's not an active quote unquote fire, when there's not an urgency. 00:26:18.594 --> 00:26:27.586 Training your nervous system to be stronger at rest is actually going to prevent it from going offline. 00:26:27.906 --> 00:26:36.960 What I mean by that is, I'm going to say meditation, but that does not mean going in a cave and sitting in whatever people think that to mean. 00:26:37.000 --> 00:26:41.905 It just simply means spending time focusing on your breath when there's no urgency. 00:26:42.067 --> 00:26:44.069 I love what you said about priorities. 00:26:44.309 --> 00:26:48.556 Understanding what it is that I value most. 00:26:48.736 --> 00:27:00.230 For me, making sure that I'm being present for people when I speak to them, then that's something that I'm aware of now when there's not a fire. 00:27:00.270 --> 00:27:01.451 I know that. 00:27:01.712 --> 00:27:04.997 And I have thought about, okay, what

does that actually mean in practice? 00:27:06.077 --> 00:27:11.905 So that when there is a fire, I get an email saying, I need to talk to you ASAP or my kid or something. 00:27:12.417 --> 00:27:13.058 I 00:27:13.138 --> 00:27:16.303 understand that the most important thing for me is to be present. 00:27:16.363 --> 00:27:21.588 So what do I need to do to be able to be that person that is super present? 00:27:21.628 --> 00:27:27.576 Cause I can be responsive all day long, but if I'm just responding and my brain is elsewhere, not helpful. 00:27:27.976 --> 00:27:28.136 Yeah. 00:27:28.497 --> 00:27:28.696 Right. 00:27:29.258 --> 00:27:35.305 So just aligning and under thinking for yourself, what are things that are my priorities? 00:27:35.325 --> 00:27:42.644 What are things that I value and how can I actually embody those values so that I am to honor the late Pope Francis, right? 00:27:42.765 --> 00:27:49.354 So that I am of service to others and in so doing a service to myself. 00:27:50.035 --> 00:27:50.355 Yeah. 00:27:50.375 --> 00:27:53.319 Two other points that I think are worth mentioning briefly. 00:27:53.359 --> 00:28:05.496 Once you have a sense of the obligations in your life or the demands on your time, it's worthwhile to install some systems, some redundancies to help buffer the urgencies that come up. 00:28:05.516 --> 00:28:14.162 You know that your kid is in school and you know sometime in the 18 years that they're going to be in school, there's going to be a reason to pick them up. 00:28:15.163 --> 00:28:16.625 You just know that's going to happen, right? 00:28:16.984 --> 00:28:19.146 And you can plan or you can fail to plan. 00:28:19.827 --> 00:28:24.972 And you can be somewhat prepared for some of these things to not be complete surprises. 00:28:25.512 --> 00:28:46.884 The other thing, and I think this is a hard truth, and I think for a lot of what we said is applicable to a lot of people, you know, depending on our history and our, you know, sort of our biography, We're unaware that sometimes we might be addicted or gravitate to chaos 00:28:47.183 --> 00:28:48.685 or 00:28:48.726 --> 00:28:51.529 the significance that comes from the chaos. 00:28:52.730 --> 00:28:57.717 I don't want to spend a lot of time on this because it's a very sort of heavy topic to get into. 00:28:57.777 --> 00:29:05.807 But I would say that it's worthwhile for everyone to just stop and think about what is your baseline? 00:29:06.086 --> 00:29:07.729 What is your normal today? 00:29:08.321 --> 00:29:10.105 What was it 10 years ago? 00:29:10.144 --> 00:29:11.586 What was it 20 years ago? 00:29:11.626 --> 00:29:18.698 And start to see if there is a pattern of maybe your upbringing was filled with a lot of urgency. 00:29:18.718 --> 00:29:20.721 And what is your baseline? 00:29:21.121 --> 00:29:30.174 If your baseline is urgency and reactions and jumping to conclusions and things like that, it might just be that that's what's familiar. 00:29:31.016 --> 00:29:32.459

And that's what's familiar. 00:29:32.479 --> 00:29:38.270 It might just be that's what you're naturally drawing towards yourself because that feels familiar. 00:29:38.310 --> 00:29:49.346 The quickest way and the least inflammatory way to describe this is, you know, as a lawyer, when I do depositions, it is a good thing to sit without saying anything. 00:29:49.826 --> 00:29:50.587 Sit in silence. 00:29:51.048 --> 00:29:56.096 And a lot of us know that when there's silence, we feel this pull to fill the silence. 00:29:56.717 --> 00:29:57.417 You want to talk. 00:29:58.038 --> 00:30:05.990 And that's exactly what lawyers do is when we sit in silence, we want the witness to just start vomiting and start talking and keep going like, keep going, keep going, right? 00:30:06.465 --> 00:30:14.717 And that's a really sort of non-inflammatory way of highlighting this point of what is your familiar. 00:30:14.757 --> 00:30:25.090 If your familiar is urgency and chaos and things like that, that may be an area where it's specific to you. 00:30:25.131 --> 00:30:34.144 And perhaps that's an area that if you're not happy with or that's something you'd like to change, that's the place to start as opposed to the tools that we talked about. 00:30:34.263 --> 00:30:44.750 Because most of what we talked about, are not going to be impactful if the urgencies are created because that's your home base. 00:30:44.890 --> 00:30:47.032 That's where you go back to all the time. 00:30:48.374 --> 00:30:52.901 It goes back to, again, aligning your priorities because it really is, we don't attract what we want. 00:30:53.381 --> 00:30:55.984 We attract things based on who we're being. 00:30:56.025 --> 00:30:58.208 So if we're this chaotic person, take a look around. 00:30:58.307 --> 00:31:11.569 And I love how you said, if you're feeling like there's a lot of chaos and you're getting tired of it or you're wanting to put that down, just take a look and see who you're a product of the people you spend the most time with. 00:31:11.750 --> 00:31:18.480 And our lives are created as a mirror of our own inner mental thoughts and where we are spiritually. 00:31:18.520 --> 00:31:34.786 When you can get clear on what those priorities are and whether those are actually the ones that align with you, that can really be helpful so that you can start to be that person that you want to be rather than just by default operating on what's familiar. 00:31:35.266 --> 00:31:42.757 My final thought too is before we go to put the urgency on someone else, that's the other thing. 00:31:42.817 --> 00:31:44.960 As a leader, you mentioned it's our job. 00:31:45.801 --> 00:31:49.928 I don't think we can stop the chaos, but I do believe that we can hold space. 00:31:49.968 --> 00:31:50.749 We can soften it. 00:31:50.808 --> 00:31:52.151 We can mitigate it. 00:31:52.191 --> 00:31:53.712 Use any word you want. 00:31:54.433 --> 00:31:57.739 We can make it to where we're not consistently just being ruled by it. 00:31:58.861 --> 00:32:00.462 In many cases, it can be avoided. 00:32:00.502 --> 00:32:05.130 One of the keys to doing that is to make sure we're just not the conduit. 00:32:05.730 --> 00:32:20.567 And when you as a person have a situation that comes up, they're also taking a pause and just asking yourself, even from the context of time, is this going to matter in the next five minutes, the next five months, the next five years? 00:32:21.067 --> 00:32:26.554 It can oftentimes sort of give you perspective as to actually how urgent it is. 00:32:26.574 --> 00:32:35.726 I know, you know, even when you have like littles running around and they knock over a glass of water because you've told them like, Don't run, you know, walk, be careful. 00:32:35.766 --> 00:32:38.089 There's stuff there and something gets knocked over. 00:32:38.130 --> 00:32:40.955 Immediately we want to jump and be like, oh my gosh, let's grab the towels. 00:32:41.016 --> 00:32:41.656 Let's this, let's that. 00:32:42.357 --> 00:32:47.367 Well, you're not, you're not going to affect the outcome there significantly enough. 00:32:47.688 --> 00:32:57.086 And instead you wind up yelling at the kid and maybe you like run on your way to clean up the mess and you trip and you break your toe because you hit it on the table leg, you know. 00:32:57.473 --> 00:32:57.773 There's 00:32:57.814 --> 00:33:00.357 a lot that can be avoided simply by just taking that beat. 00:33:00.617 --> 00:33:06.404 And so I love that you talk about you actually being the gatekeeper there to decide what happens. 00:33:07.066 --> 00:33:07.787 Yeah, absolutely. 00:33:07.846 --> 00:33:08.247 Both ways. 00:33:08.287 --> 00:33:23.465 From what's coming outside or what's coming from inside, I think that that's one of the traits of leadership that isn't talked about enough of where it's your job to intercept, to make sense of the chaos, and then figure out the best ways to respond. 00:33:23.946 --> 00:33:24.166 Yeah. 00:33:24.346 --> 00:33:26.430 So in short, make some time to... 00:33:26.945 --> 00:33:27.826 Pause daily. 00:33:27.867 --> 00:33:32.694 Just take a quick stalk of what kind of energy you're around and whether that's suiting you. 00:33:32.935 --> 00:33:34.077 Maybe do a values assessment. 00:33:34.097 --> 00:33:37.182 There's all sorts of free ones online or reach out to Dinesh or myself. 00:33:37.262 --> 00:33:38.765 We can send you one. 00:33:38.805 --> 00:33:44.273 All sorts of things that you can do when there's not an urgent active thing. 00:33:44.314 --> 00:33:47.199 And then when there is an active thing, take a breath. 00:33:47.740 --> 00:33:50.484 Remember that nothing is ever as it seems. 00:33:51.286 --> 00:33:58.278 And we absolutely have the power, maybe not to whether or not we experience something, but we do control how we experience it. 00:33:58.417 --> 00:34:00.380 And we're always cheering you guys on listeners. 00:34:00.400 --> 00:34:01.521 Thank you so much for tuning in. 00:34:02.182 --> 00:34:03.443 Hey everyone, this is Dinesh. 00:34:03.663 --> 00:34:08.989 I wanted to give a huge shout out to everyone that has supported the Happy Human Podcast. 00:34:09.510 --> 00:34:20.302 I know there are a number of you that listen to the show every week, but we only have about 40% of you that listen to the show every week that are actually subscribed. 00:34:20.702 --> 00:34:24.186 So we really want to ask you to help us out with a big favor. 00:34:24.449 --> 00:34:25.150 That's right, guys. 00:34:25.791 --> 00:34:39.257 In order for us to continue making this show bigger and better for you, we would love it if you would follow along, subscribe to the YouTube channel if you're watching this on YouTube, and leave us a review wherever you're getting your podcasts from. 00:34:39.297 --> 00:34:47.472 Share the episode with your friends, talk about it, because we would love to continue to do this for you guys in the best way possible.

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