How to be a warm and loving parent while still raising disciplined children
United States


00:00:03we all aspire to live happy and fulfilled lives and raise our children with these values but the stress is we Face day today can get in our way Welcome to our podcast happiness matters will you learn about the science and art of cultivating these values and passing them on to the children in your lives
00:00:23welcome I'm Rona Renner I'm the parent of for adult children two grandchildren of a temperament specialist parent educator and I'm the host of childhood matters radio show and I'm dr. Christine Carter author of raising happiness which is a book and it's a Blog that I write for the greater good science center at UC Berkeley and it's also an online parenting class and I have two daughters what Christine I thought we would talk about discipline in a new way talking about love and limits I think that's a way to talk about discipline because parents often come to talk to me because they think I kind of know what they want to do but they struggle with how to set limits and then we talked about parenting Styles and for some people who are kind of wishy-washy it's hard for them to set rules and their other parents who had that limit setting but they sometimes you leave out the compassion and kindness and love
00:01:23but I think I think it's important to say right up front that this is hard but I'd like to First say why do we have to set limits so I think that's a good question for us why do we set limits what comes to your mind when I asked you that because it makes kids feel secure you know when we let them have full run of our lives and their lives in the house that they stayed become insecure they need to depend on us we are there foundation so and there is a lot of really good science around this to this is really a follow-up to last week's podcast which was about authority of parenting and how that leads to Great outcomes and kids it makes them happier they do better in school and so when we're talking today about disciplining and using love and limit it's really an extension of that science that shows that authoritative parenting works best for children and I think the happiness part is that your household will have it at me
00:02:23care of more happiness when the rules are clear there is guideline people know what's expected and what the expectations are realistic and when I talk to parents about this in a class I often will say think about the limits you already said that are non-negotiable so for instance most parents most parents I know I'd say 99% of the parents I know make sure the child is in a seatbelt in a car seat and it's not negotiable because you're not ambivalent you read the science you going to get a ticket if you don't have it someone's going to criticize you or you really know it's going to keep your child safe right when you take your child to the doctor and you know they need an injection for a flu or something else it's non-negotiable so what happens is there are many things that are very clear to us that we have to set limits we have to give our child a bath
00:03:23it just important for their help our children are clear about more physical things all the time when things get fuzzy is really a bad should I let them have that cookie before dinner you know should I say no if they want to watch one more show how do I set a limit on things that I'm not clear on right well I think all we need to do is really be clear on the cumulative effect of something that yes this one time if I ignore that nasty comment or if I know it might be easier to not set the limit in the short-term but we need to remember is that in the long term it can hot can do a lot of damage to not set limits and it can make our jobs much as parents much more difficult in the long run so that it's that I think that
00:04:23analogy of the you know vaccine or something you know for kids getting a shot it's painful in the short-term but not as painful as getting the measles later that's all right and I think when we talk about limits we have to also acknowledge that there's some single parents and then there is some parents who have a partner whether it's a husband or wife or someone they live with and one of the first steps in setting limit is for the adults to have a conversation if there's more than one parents at home you need to have a conversation about what the rules are so I want to use tv as an example yes but you know your partner to 3 hours a night is fine and you say no half hour to 45 minutes and I will be for you set a limit you have to come to some understanding of what the household rules going to be and I always said the only thing I liked about being a single parent is I didn't have to agree with anyone what that limit would be
00:05:23I like it when I enforce limits my limits around television and movies in particular with their friends so you don't my older daughter will say I want to have a sleepover but sometimes they watch movies that are too scary for me will you call them and tell them it's against our rules and so she can always she can count on she knows what are rules are and she can count on me to be the one to enforce them so that I can be the bad guy and so she doesn't she isn't put in a position position where she feels insecure to the first step is to know the rules to know what they are in the house and I think again this is where the adults have work to do then is how to communicate them yeah you need to actually sit down and spend the time communicating and then asking your child what they understand about what you just said right and I would write them down because I would otherwise forget them right I know we do that in our house we have family meetings where we talk often about you no rules
00:06:23will be slipping and often times it's the kids who actually put those things on the agenda I like that you know we have like a whole time that we talked about always what doesn't seem to be working very well reassessing those rules sassing the the rules but actually the kids attended like to reassess their own behavior each other's Behavior their siblings Behavior sometimes but it gives us a chance to say oh we all agreed that this is a no hitting household that's right and you know good teachers always do this at the beginning of the Empire they have a pad the charge and they write down the road and it's really good so you're setting the rules you're communicating them clearly you're asking your children for input and and and how they feel about them there's some things that are not negotiable like this is a no hitting household is it is a good example and then you're putting things into practice and and also like the TV example what are the consequences if your child
00:07:23is breaking the rules so for instance your child knows they have to turn the TV off they're starting to whine and complain no no please please please in there begging you might just need to say you know the rule and we set the timer your hour is up and if you continue like this there won't be any TV tomorrow I mean you could do some bright as clear as that for me that's always the hardest thing first of all knowing what an appropriate consequences and then also following through because it's always easier to just let it slide in the short-term so what what tips do you have for us in terms of knowing what an appropriate consequence actually is and then how to help ourselves follow through as much as possible The Logical consequence that you know this is the rule and I are going to give you a chance so you're not going to be start yelling and being really harsh I'm going to give you a chance to come down and remember that this is the rule I want you to turn this off and you walk away for a minute give them a chance to gather themselves yeah and then if they still
00:08:23say well I'm going to go turn it off now and your consequences you won't have the TV tomorrow because in this house we've come to agreements and you have Privileges and you have responsibilities so I think staying calm and following the rule now it sounds really easy here as we were talking about it much harder to do but I think that if your clear then you can follow through and again consequences we need to do a whole nother I think podcast again on on WhatsApp appropriate consequences but I thought you just said I just really want to emphasize the warning is really important for kids that mean counting it's not saying I'm going to count to 5 and if you don't do it that it's more like in my family I say this is your warning cuz they know they get one warning at this is your opportunity to change your behavior and then that's all no emotion on my part to extend I'm able that's the goal anyway and no real reaction until and then I give them a
00:09:23kids to change their budget is everyone needs that I know I do is it as an adult's children due to her saying we'd have an agreement I want you to gather yourself and we're going to follow this agreement and then if you need to you can step in and say well you know I need to take tomorrow TV wave until you can understand that this is really a rule in our household not to be afraid to do that you come from a place of compassion and understanding not harshness and then you can be strong and you can have your power and you can also let your child have their space to gather their strength and not a nut squash them and I think the key with love and limits is that you're showing respect your recognizing your child's unique temperament you're not expecting more of your child and they're capable of and you're really passing on your values your hopes your encouragement and you
00:10:23don't expect Perfection so as much as possible be consistent but we know you won't be consistent all the time and really laugh have a good sense of humor and all of this will add to the happiness in your home yes that's great thank you Rhona thank you Christine
00:10:47thank you for taking the time in your busy day to focus on the Art and Science of living a happy and fulfilled life teacher nurse rona's radio shows and learn more about her visit childhood matters. Org answer me dr. Christine Carter's blog and find out more about her work and UC Berkeley's greater good science center visit greater good parents. Org thank you for listening

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