Full Transcript for When Our Nervous Systems Hijack Our Parenting - Revisit

I listened to it recently and thought, oh my goodness, 35 00:01:57.019 --> 00:01:59.060 this one was really made for new parents. I wish 36 00:01:59.239 --> 00:02:01.359 I listened to this when I was a new parent. 37 00:02:01.920 --> 00:02:03.790 Because if there's one thing I hear from parents in 38 00:02:03.829 --> 00:02:07.450 those first couple months, it's, I have nothing left. I 39 00:02:07.530 --> 00:02:11.050 am running on empty. And I don't know how to 40 00:02:11.110 --> 00:02:13.830 fix that. Look, I want to be honest. This episode 41 00:02:13.889 --> 00:02:16.629 won't fix that. You won't end thinking, you know what? 42 00:02:16.789 --> 00:02:20.400 All my problems are solved. But I do think you're 43 00:02:20.419 --> 00:02:24.280 going to feel a little more hope in an actual, practical, 44 00:02:24.419 --> 00:02:28.500 and get this, possible pathway of a couple small shifts 45 00:02:29.360 --> 00:02:32.460 that have a big positive impact. I hope this helps. 46 00:02:33.360 --> 00:02:38.150 You want to stay calm. You want to be that grounded, sturdy, pilot, 47 00:02:38.370 --> 00:02:41.169 leader to your kid. And then there's a slam door. 48 00:02:41.590 --> 00:02:44.129 There's an I hate you. There's a you never do 49 00:02:44.469 --> 00:02:49.080 anything for me right after you did 5,832 things for 50 00:02:49.120 --> 00:02:55.240 your child in the last hour. We all yell. We 51 00:02:55.419 --> 00:02:59.439 all say the words. We promised ourselves we would never say. 52 00:02:59.469 --> 00:03:03.729 We all have moments when our nervous system hijacks our 53 00:03:03.789 --> 00:03:08.409 parenting and our value system just hasn't had the time 54 00:03:08.469 --> 00:03:14.669 to catch up. It is so important to demystify what 55 00:03:14.849 --> 00:03:20.169 yelling is really about and to understand what yelling is 56 00:03:20.330 --> 00:03:24.069 not at all about. That's exactly what we'll be talking 57 00:03:24.129 --> 00:03:27.669 about today. I promise you by the end of today's episode, 58 00:03:28.110 --> 00:03:31.270 you're going to have so many new aha moments as in, oh, 59 00:03:31.930 --> 00:03:35.110 that's a totally different way to think about it. And 60 00:03:35.129 --> 00:03:40.509 you're going to have a bunch of heartfelt moments like, oh, 61 00:03:41.909 --> 00:03:46.550 that hit me somewhere I really needed. You're going to 62 00:03:46.569 --> 00:03:49.629 feel empowered and hopeful and you're going to have a 63 00:03:49.750 --> 00:03:53.599 new way of looking at the moments we all struggle with. 64 00:03:54.939 --> 00:03:57.680 I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. We'll be 65 00:03:57.719 --> 00:04:02.360 back right after this. Here's a story from my private 66 00:04:02.379 --> 00:04:05.219 practice that has always stayed with me. I was seeing 67 00:04:05.240 --> 00:04:07.599 a mom, and she was telling me about a moment 68 00:04:07.650 --> 00:04:09.930 from earlier in her week where her and her daughter 69 00:04:10.110 --> 00:04:13.889 were arguing nonstop about what clothes she was allowed to 70 00:04:13.949 --> 00:04:16.930 wear out. And then the moment ended with her daughter 71 00:04:16.970 --> 00:04:21.430 looking at her and just screaming, I hate you! And 72 00:04:21.470 --> 00:04:26.050 then the mom... screamed right back, well, I don't like 73 00:04:26.290 --> 00:04:31.560 you either. And then silence. And I remember her telling 74 00:04:31.600 --> 00:04:34.879 me about how her body was shaking and how she 75 00:04:35.000 --> 00:04:40.079 felt scared, not because she didn't mean what she said, 76 00:04:41.259 --> 00:04:47.050 but because in that moment, she did. And that terrified her. 77 00:04:48.029 --> 00:04:50.170 I asked her what she did next to try to 78 00:04:50.189 --> 00:04:52.470 get a better sense of the whole situation. And she 79 00:04:52.509 --> 00:04:55.009 told me she somehow found herself then in the kitchen 80 00:04:55.689 --> 00:04:59.959 eating cereal she wasn't hungry for, scrolling on Instagram, looking 81 00:05:00.000 --> 00:05:03.240 for some relief that was impossible to find, and then 82 00:05:03.259 --> 00:05:06.660 just feeling kind of frozen and having no idea how 83 00:05:07.040 --> 00:05:11.490 to recover and move forward. I ended up asking her, 84 00:05:11.509 --> 00:05:17.439 this might seem off topic, but just tell me, How 85 00:05:17.480 --> 00:05:21.720 would your mom have reacted if you yelled, I hate 86 00:05:21.759 --> 00:05:26.060 you in her face? And she just looked at me 87 00:05:26.259 --> 00:05:31.560 and said, she would have given me these dark death eyes. 88 00:05:31.579 --> 00:05:37.500 And even without saying anything, those eyes were so terrifying. 89 00:05:38.319 --> 00:05:43.120 And then she'd say something cold and monotoned like, who 90 00:05:43.759 --> 00:05:47.779 do you think you are to say something like that 91 00:05:47.920 --> 00:05:51.500 to me? And those would be the last words I 92 00:05:51.540 --> 00:05:55.500 heard before a week of the silent treatment. The room 93 00:05:55.879 --> 00:06:00.459 felt heavy, but it felt important. And I stayed quiet. 94 00:06:03.379 --> 00:06:08.790 And she started crying. And she said to me, Like 95 00:06:08.810 --> 00:06:10.689 that's exactly what I just did to my own daughter. 96 00:06:12.930 --> 00:06:17.420 I'm here talking to you to try to not repeat 97 00:06:17.879 --> 00:06:21.500 these same patterns. And that's exactly what I just did. 98 00:06:22.519 --> 00:06:28.160 This is the moment that so many parents recognize. In 99 00:06:28.240 --> 00:06:32.920 our brain, we know exactly what we don't want to do. 100 00:06:34.199 --> 00:06:37.290 And then we have moments where we watch our body 101 00:06:37.310 --> 00:06:44.790 do that exact thing. Why? What's going on? We want 102 00:06:44.870 --> 00:06:50.069 to break certain cycles and yet we often repeat moments 103 00:06:50.730 --> 00:06:54.420 that were very painful. You are not alone if

this 104 00:06:54.500 --> 00:07:00.939 is happening. This happens to every single parent. What we 105 00:07:00.980 --> 00:07:03.819 ended up talking about and one of the things I 106 00:07:03.860 --> 00:07:07.250 want to say to you right now is it is 107 00:07:07.750 --> 00:07:13.949 never too late to repair. If you haven't gone back 108 00:07:14.009 --> 00:07:19.180 in yet, you still can. Whether the moment happened 10 109 00:07:19.180 --> 00:07:23.180 minutes ago, a day ago, a week ago, a month ago, 110 00:07:24.240 --> 00:07:28.180 you and I both know that longing for a parent 111 00:07:28.639 --> 00:07:33.379 to return, to come back in, to talk calmly, that 112 00:07:33.459 --> 00:07:37.579 longing doesn't go away with time. Meaning It is never 113 00:07:37.750 --> 00:07:42.290 too late. And that's often how we start breaking cycles, 114 00:07:43.089 --> 00:07:47.529 by going back, by repairing. And if you can get 115 00:07:47.949 --> 00:07:51.990 caught in the thought pattern of, but my daughter should 116 00:07:52.029 --> 00:07:56.129 be apologizing to me. She can't scream things like that. 117 00:07:56.750 --> 00:08:01.930 I hear you. And there are moments for teaching. And 118 00:08:01.970 --> 00:08:07.600 there are moments for connection over correction. And the moments 119 00:08:07.660 --> 00:08:10.819 after we yell, the moments after we do the things 120 00:08:11.220 --> 00:08:16.759 we promised ourselves we wouldn't do, I promise you, those 121 00:08:17.000 --> 00:08:22.279 are the moments for connection. And that is really where 122 00:08:22.360 --> 00:08:26.740 cycle breaking starts. So why does it often feel like 123 00:08:26.759 --> 00:08:30.379 we're destined to repeat the past? Why does it feel 124 00:08:30.579 --> 00:08:34.809 like these cycles we want to break sometimes keep repeating? Well, 125 00:08:35.070 --> 00:08:38.860 a big reason is is so often our nervous system 126 00:08:39.340 --> 00:08:45.100 steps in before our values can catch up. And that's 127 00:08:45.179 --> 00:08:49.059 exactly what we will be unpacking today. Let's jump into 128 00:08:49.100 --> 00:08:53.340 parent questions first. Sometimes I don't yell. I just go 129 00:08:53.679 --> 00:08:56.580 totally cold and I shut down. Is that the same thing? 130 00:08:56.600 --> 00:09:00.309 This is a great question. Well, it's not the same 131 00:09:00.350 --> 00:09:02.129 thing on the surface, but I think what this question 132 00:09:02.169 --> 00:09:07.470 is getting to is it's also a protective mechanism. You know, 133 00:09:07.570 --> 00:09:10.230 we talk a lot about fight or flight, which are 134 00:09:10.429 --> 00:09:16.419 two animal defense mechanisms. Yelling, right, is a version of fight. 135 00:09:17.440 --> 00:09:24.840 There are also other protective mechanisms like submit, freeze, and 136 00:09:24.879 --> 00:09:28.340 play dead. And so if you're prone to going cold, 137 00:09:28.379 --> 00:09:33.539 to shutting down, that probably means your animal

defense response 138 00:09:34.039 --> 00:09:39.179 is more in the submit, freeze, play dead camp than 139 00:09:39.240 --> 00:09:41.820 the fight or flight camp. Fight or flight means a 140 00:09:41.879 --> 00:09:47.019 lot is coming out. Submit, freeze, play dead mean everything 141 00:09:47.100 --> 00:09:51.220 shuts down inward. And so you're noticing this is one 142 00:09:51.259 --> 00:09:54.919 of the ways you must have learned to protect yourself 143 00:09:55.490 --> 00:09:59.669 when things felt overwhelming. And while that probably was protective 144 00:09:59.809 --> 00:10:04.690 early on, it might not be as protective now when 145 00:10:04.730 --> 00:10:08.210 it sounds like you want to better communicate or more 146 00:10:08.330 --> 00:10:13.529 openly communicate with your kids. So absolutely, this is your 147 00:10:13.820 --> 00:10:18.059 version of an animal defense response. And I promise you, 148 00:10:18.399 --> 00:10:20.759 it's not something you have to be locked into forever. 149 00:10:21.299 --> 00:10:24.350 Next question, second one. I can't really picture how my 150 00:10:24.409 --> 00:10:29.169 parents responded when I was a kid. Is that normal? Yes, 151 00:10:29.909 --> 00:10:34.639 this is totally normal. And I actually think what's underneath 152 00:10:34.679 --> 00:10:39.230 here is unpacking the idea of memory. I can't tell 153 00:10:39.250 --> 00:10:41.929 you how many adults I've sat with in my private practice. 154 00:10:42.509 --> 00:10:45.990 And often they would come to me around some parenting struggle. 155 00:10:46.070 --> 00:10:47.809 It's really hard for me to stay calm when my 156 00:10:47.850 --> 00:10:51.129 kid is tantruming or when my kid protests a decision, 157 00:10:51.669 --> 00:10:54.809 but I don't remember what my childhood was like. I 158 00:10:54.830 --> 00:10:58.100 don't know where this response came from. Here's the interesting 159 00:10:58.139 --> 00:11:02.220 thing about memory. One form of memory for sure comes 160 00:11:02.320 --> 00:11:05.980 out with our words and our memories that we can 161 00:11:06.220 --> 00:11:10.269 actually recall. Oh, I remember my parents yelling at me. 162 00:11:11.110 --> 00:11:15.409 I remember how my parents dealt with my tantrums. But actually, 163 00:11:15.470 --> 00:11:17.830 for so many of us, that's not even our most 164 00:11:17.889 --> 00:11:23.529 common form of how memory gets expressed. So often, memory 165 00:11:23.789 --> 00:11:30.299 gets expressed in our triggered moments. How we respond to 166 00:11:30.519 --> 00:11:34.039 our kids when they're protesting a decision, when they're whining, 167 00:11:34.240 --> 00:11:38.679 when they're having a tantrum. is a memory our body 168 00:11:38.980 --> 00:11:44.259 has from how similar moments were responded to when we 169 00:11:44.840 --> 00:11:48.149 were a kid. So I guess what I'm saying is, yes, 170 00:11:48.269 --> 00:11:51.750 it is so normal that you don't have some coherent 171 00:11:52.370 --> 00:11:56.409 verbal form of memory of tough moments in your childhood. 172 00:11:57.039 --> 00:11:59.889 you might actually start to be curious about the way 173 00:11:59.970 --> 00:12:03.190 you respond in some of those moments and use that 174 00:12:03.470 --> 00:12:07.129 as data of sorts to think about how moments might 175 00:12:07.149 --> 00:12:18.039 have gone in your own childhood. There's just something about 176 00:12:18.100 --> 00:12:21.039 summer that makes parents think, maybe this is the time 177 00:12:21.159 --> 00:12:24.210 to finally tackle potty training. And if that's where you 178 00:12:24.250 --> 00:12:26.509 are right now, I want to offer a minor reframe. 179 00:12:27.149 --> 00:12:30.860 Potty training isn't really about the potty. Now, I know 180 00:12:30.879 --> 00:12:33.360 what you're thinking. Um, Dr. Becky, what do you mean? 181 00:12:33.720 --> 00:12:37.940 Potty is in the name. But actually, it's really all 182 00:12:37.980 --> 00:12:41.399 about independence. See, your kid wants to do more things 183 00:12:41.460 --> 00:12:43.879 on their own. Your kid wants to build confidence and 184 00:12:43.919 --> 00:12:46.809 feel like a big kid. That's why I like Pampers 185 00:12:46.950 --> 00:12:50.070 Easy Ups. They fit and feel more like underwear than 186 00:12:50.110 --> 00:12:52.549 a diaper. So kids can practice pulling them up and 187 00:12:52.590 --> 00:12:55.110 down on their own. And those moments of, I did it, 188 00:12:55.659 --> 00:12:59.220 really matter in confidence building. They even come with Peppa 189 00:12:59.259 --> 00:13:02.480 Pig designs, which if you have a toddler, you know 190 00:13:02.539 --> 00:13:05.779 can make almost anything more exciting. And because accidents are 191 00:13:05.860 --> 00:13:09.259 part of learning, Pampers Easy Ups are designed to protect 192 00:13:09.340 --> 00:13:12.139 day and night, which means less stress for you and 193 00:13:12.179 --> 00:13:14.909 more room to focus on helping your child learn. The 194 00:13:14.929 --> 00:13:17.509 goal isn't a perfectly dry day. The goal is to 195 00:13:17.549 --> 00:13:20.450 help your kid feel more capable. And I like that 196 00:13:20.509 --> 00:13:23.889 Pampers Easy Ups helps make room for that. Here's something 197 00:13:23.929 --> 00:13:25.740 I like to say to the parents of picky eaters. 198 00:13:26.340 --> 00:13:30.700 Your kid's eating is not a referendum on you. Eating 199 00:13:30.740 --> 00:13:32.539 is one of the few areas where kids can have 200 00:13:32.580 --> 00:13:35.019 some control. But how do you make sure your kid 201 00:13:35.070 --> 00:13:37.710 is still getting the nutrients they need to grow? That's 202 00:13:37.750 --> 00:13:40.750 where Smarty Pants Vitamins fit in. Their formulas are designed 203 00:13:40.789 --> 00:13:43.730 to fill nutrient gaps kids often have. And they're made 204 00:13:43.789 --> 00:13:48.259 with kid-approved flavors even picky eaters love. Over 1 million 205 00:13:48.299

--> 00:13:51.269 parents trust Smarty Pants Vitamins. which is why the Smarty 206 00:13:51.289 --> 00:13:54.309 Pants Kids Plus Multi and Omegas is the number one 207 00:13:54.350 --> 00:13:58.750 best-selling kids gummy multivitamin. You can shop Smarty Pants vitamins 208 00:13:58.909 --> 00:14:11.230 at Amazon, Target, or Walmart today. Let's go to the 209 00:14:11.250 --> 00:14:15.789 last question today. Sometimes I think I've already traumatized my kids. 210 00:14:16.330 --> 00:14:19.750 I've yelled so much, the damage is done, it's too late. 211 00:14:21.000 --> 00:14:27.129 Is it ever too late? I tend to answer questions 212 00:14:27.149 --> 00:14:29.649 with a lot of nuance. I don't like to kind 213 00:14:29.669 --> 00:14:31.850 of peg myself to one answer, but this one I 214 00:14:31.870 --> 00:14:36.080 can be pretty simple about. It is never too late. 215 00:14:37.679 --> 00:14:42.120 And I want to share kind of an exercise of 216 00:14:42.159 --> 00:14:46.279 sorts that in some ways proves this more than anything 217 00:14:46.299 --> 00:14:49.830 I could convince you with through facts or logic. I 218 00:14:49.909 --> 00:14:54.159 actually did this live in my TED talk and I've 219 00:14:54.179 --> 00:14:57.899 gotten so much feedback that it was so powerful that 220 00:14:57.940 --> 00:14:59.019 I want to make sure I bring it to you 221 00:14:59.039 --> 00:15:03.019 all today. Okay. So I want you to imagine that 222 00:15:03.039 --> 00:15:06.559 you get a call from one of your parents. And 223 00:15:06.600 --> 00:15:09.679 if neither of your parents are alive, imagine you find 224 00:15:09.720 --> 00:15:15.870 some letter that you just saw today. Okay. Here's what 225 00:15:15.889 --> 00:15:19.409 that letter might sound like, or here's the call. Hey, 226 00:15:21.309 --> 00:15:23.590 I know this might sound a little bit out of 227 00:15:23.610 --> 00:15:28.330 the blue, but I've been thinking a lot about your 228 00:15:28.370 --> 00:15:34.899 early years. There were so many moments that I think 229 00:15:34.940 --> 00:15:39.580 felt really bad to you. And you were right to 230 00:15:39.639 --> 00:15:44.639 feel that way. There were moments I yelled, said really 231 00:15:44.700 --> 00:15:50.350 harsh words, and you were left alone after to figure 232 00:15:50.419 --> 00:15:57.179 out how to recover. I'm sorry. And if you ever 233 00:15:57.860 --> 00:16:01.899 want to talk about any of those moments, I'd be 234 00:16:01.919 --> 00:16:06.350 happy to listen. Not listen to prove myself. Not listen 235 00:16:06.370 --> 00:16:13.210 with a comeback. Just listen to better understand. I love you. 236 00:16:14.110 --> 00:16:16.450 I don't know many adults who hear that and say 237 00:16:16.490 --> 00:16:21.100 back to me, nothing. Dr. Becky, nothing. Nope. I wouldn't 238 00:16:21.120 --> 00:16:25.179 do anything. Nope. I'm not trying to say the opposite 239 00:16:25.220 --> 00:16:28.559 extreme is true. I would not expect one moment like 240

00:16:28.600 --> 00:16:31.899 that to heal every single thing that happened that felt 241 00:16:31.919 --> 00:16:35.169 bad in your childhood. But there's a lot between nothing 242 00:16:35.549 --> 00:16:38.809 and everything. And when we say it's too late, we 243 00:16:38.850 --> 00:16:42.289 lock ourselves into nothing. And I think for a lot 244 00:16:42.330 --> 00:16:47.480 of us as adults, even now, that call would be meaningful. 245 00:16:49.159 --> 00:16:54.840 It wouldn't shift everything. but it would shift some things. 246 00:16:57.039 --> 00:17:00.419 And what I know, even though math is not my 247 00:17:00.470 --> 00:17:03.870 area of expertise, is that your child is younger than you. 248 00:17:04.849 --> 00:17:09.970 This is always true. And so if that type of 249 00:17:10.069 --> 00:17:14.430 moment with your parent or reading that letter would have 250 00:17:14.470 --> 00:17:20.289 a visceral impact on you, that is proof that it 251 00:17:20.349 --> 00:17:25.099 is never too late. to repair and reconnect with your 252 00:17:25.140 --> 00:17:32.089 own kid. Your child's story is shorter than yours by 253 00:17:32.109 --> 00:17:35.650 the very fact that they're younger, which means it's even 254 00:17:36.009 --> 00:17:41.190 more amenable to change and repair. So I can say 255 00:17:41.230 --> 00:17:47.140 this with confidence. It is never too late. Take that 256 00:17:47.200 --> 00:17:54.559 first step. Repair. listen without defensiveness, it's going to be 257 00:17:54.619 --> 00:17:59.279 uncomfortable and it's going to really, really matter. Here's an 258 00:17:59.319 --> 00:18:04.150 important idea. Our nervous system is living in the past. 259 00:18:05.450 --> 00:18:10.720 Our triggered moments, that reactive scream we have when our 260 00:18:10.759 --> 00:18:13.640 kid says, I hate you, Yes, it's happening in the 261 00:18:13.680 --> 00:18:17.849 present moment, but the circuit that activates to have those 262 00:18:17.890 --> 00:18:21.529 words come out of us is actually a memory, a 263 00:18:21.630 --> 00:18:26.390 pattern from our past. Besser van der Kolk, the author 264 00:18:26.650 --> 00:18:29.109 of The Body Keeps the Score, maybe says it best. 265 00:18:29.910 --> 00:18:33.710 The body remembers even when the conscious mind does not. 266 00:18:35.109 --> 00:18:39.470 I know for you, your conscious mind, your value system says, 267 00:18:40.049 --> 00:18:43.589 when my daughter screams, I hate you. I want to 268 00:18:43.630 --> 00:18:46.009 be able to pause. I maybe want to be able 269 00:18:46.049 --> 00:18:48.349 to say, I need a moment. And then I want 270 00:18:48.369 --> 00:18:51.329 to come back when I'm calm and grounded so I 271 00:18:51.369 --> 00:18:53.799 can intervene in a way that I needed when I 272 00:18:53.819 --> 00:19:00.019 was her age. Here's the thing. Our amygdala, which processes fear, 273 00:19:01.519 --> 00:19:06.420 reacts in milliseconds so much faster than our thinking, logical, 274 00:19:06.539 --> 00:19:11.740 values-based brain can respond. And so if you're having that 275 00:19:12.170 --> 00:19:16.089 quick twitch reactivity, that's a sign that something from your 276 00:19:16.190 --> 00:19:22.460 past is actually interrupting and responding in the present. Why 277 00:19:22.480 --> 00:19:23.980 do we yell at our kids even though we don't 278 00:19:24.019 --> 00:19:26.420 want to? Why do we yell the exact words we 279 00:19:26.539 --> 00:19:29.160 don't want to say? Here's what I want you to 280 00:19:29.180 --> 00:19:31.569 think about, and it's going to sound counterintuitive at first. 281 00:19:33.710 --> 00:19:39.869 Our body thinks it's protecting us in those moments when 282 00:19:40.170 --> 00:19:44.160 we yell at our kids. Now, our body is misguided. 283 00:19:44.529 --> 00:19:47.410 It's not protecting us. But here's where that comes from. 284 00:19:48.309 --> 00:19:52.059 If you think about when you were a kid, so 285 00:19:52.339 --> 00:19:56.980 many of us grew up in homes where anger was disrespectful. 286 00:19:57.579 --> 00:20:01.009 Anger somehow meant I don't also love my parents or 287 00:20:01.109 --> 00:20:04.390 feel grateful for them. Anger was dangerous. Forget just I 288 00:20:04.490 --> 00:20:08.769 hate you. Being mad in any way equals danger. It 289 00:20:08.849 --> 00:20:13.509 actually threatened our attachment with our parents. We got sent away. 290 00:20:13.529 --> 00:20:16.369 We had a heart's punishment. Nobody talked to us for 291 00:20:16.410 --> 00:20:18.710 a week. So what did we learn when we were 292 00:20:18.750 --> 00:20:23.470 young and our bodies were wiring? Anger is a 10 293 00:20:23.470 --> 00:20:29.539 out of 10 danger. Anger equals threat. Okay, then what 294 00:20:29.579 --> 00:20:32.319 would our body do based on that information? Well, it 295 00:20:32.359 --> 00:20:35.900 would adapt to protect us. Okay, I am going to 296 00:20:35.980 --> 00:20:40.539 try to shut down down anger. Whenever anger comes up, 297 00:20:41.170 --> 00:20:44.750 it needs to be shut down as quickly as possible. 298 00:20:44.789 --> 00:20:47.630 And how do you shut things down quickly? Harsh mechanisms. 299 00:20:47.670 --> 00:20:51.940 That's the only way. Fast forward many, many decades. Now 300 00:20:52.220 --> 00:20:55.339 it's our own child expressing anger to us in the 301 00:20:55.380 --> 00:20:57.440 ways kids often do because they don't yet have skills 302 00:20:57.480 --> 00:21:00.640 for anger. I hate you. You're the worst parent. Get 303 00:21:00.680 --> 00:21:03.660 out of my room, a slammed door. And we know 304 00:21:03.680 --> 00:21:07.049 in one part of our mind, we want to stay calm. 305 00:21:07.880 --> 00:21:10.960 I want to do this differently. And instead, we say 306 00:21:10.980 --> 00:21:14.420 the words our own parent would have said. But in 307 00:21:14.480 --> 00:21:18.579 that moment, your body isn't trying to betray you. It's 308 00:21:18.720 --> 00:21:21.660 trying to

protect you. You have anger coming at you 309 00:21:21.700 --> 00:21:25.130 from your kid. Essentially, your body says, what do I 310 00:21:25.190 --> 00:21:28.930 know about anger? Is it safe? Is it tolerable? Is 311 00:21:28.990 --> 00:21:32.410 it manageable? Can I stay connected to someone when there's anger? 312 00:21:32.509 --> 00:21:37.359 Or is it bad, awful, toxic, dangerous? If you learn that, 313 00:21:37.859 --> 00:21:41.220 your body goes back to that old circuit. Shut it 314 00:21:41.319 --> 00:21:46.420 down as fast as possible. How? Through harsh mechanisms. Then 315 00:21:46.440 --> 00:21:51.250 your body yells at your kid. And it is kind 316 00:21:51.269 --> 00:21:53.490 of the set of words we don't want to say, 317 00:21:54.130 --> 00:21:57.349 but our body in that moment is just activating a 318 00:21:57.970 --> 00:22:02.940 very old circuit. Our past is interrupting in the present. 319 00:22:04.920 --> 00:22:09.920 So often we confuse two things. Understanding why we yell 320 00:22:10.740 --> 00:22:15.700 is not the same as condoning that we yell. Understanding 321 00:22:15.740 --> 00:22:20.480 that our body is trying to protect us, understanding that 322 00:22:20.549 --> 00:22:24.950 our past interrupts our present is actually the foundation for 323 00:22:25.029 --> 00:22:30.089 figuring out how to change these patterns more effectively. So 324 00:22:30.170 --> 00:22:32.589 I just want you to hold that in mind. My 325 00:22:32.630 --> 00:22:36.480 body thinks it's protecting myself. It's just trying to shut 326 00:22:36.619 --> 00:22:41.079 down what I learned was incredibly dangerous when I was 327 00:22:41.119 --> 00:22:44.839 a kid. I promise you that's not the last step, 328 00:22:45.220 --> 00:22:48.819 but it definitely is a first and necessary step for change. 329 00:22:49.740 --> 00:22:52.289 So right now, I want to take that idea of 330 00:22:52.369 --> 00:22:57.289 protection and do an exercise. That might feel odd, but 331 00:22:57.309 --> 00:23:02.009 I promise you is really powerful and important. I want 332 00:23:02.069 --> 00:23:08.029 you to thank the part of you that learned how 333 00:23:08.269 --> 00:23:14.299 to adapt when you were younger. Thank you to the 334 00:23:14.339 --> 00:23:20.680 part of me who noticed that anger was dangerous. Thank you, body, 335 00:23:21.259 --> 00:23:28.119 for storing anger as threat because for a long period 336 00:23:28.140 --> 00:23:31.869 of time when I was young and helpless, It was. 337 00:23:33.029 --> 00:23:35.990 After you thank that part of you, I promise you 338 00:23:36.210 --> 00:23:40.730 it's going to be more amenable to shifting its role. 339 00:23:41.369 --> 00:23:44.319 Because after you thank it, you can add something like this. 340 00:23:45.940 --> 00:23:49.960 I'm going to show you over time that anger isn't 341 00:23:50.019 --> 00:23:53.680 so dangerous after all. That anger is actually a very 342 00:23:54.319 --> 00:23:57.799 normal and healthy part

of any close relationship. And I 343 00:23:57.940 --> 00:24:00.019 know it'll take some time for you to believe it. 344 00:24:01.319 --> 00:24:04.789 but we're going to keep working on this together. Here's 345 00:24:04.809 --> 00:24:06.089 one of the things I want you to take away 346 00:24:06.119 --> 00:24:10.109 from this episode. Those moments when we worry we're not 347 00:24:10.170 --> 00:24:14.630 breaking cycles at all, we're repeating them. Those aren't proof 348 00:24:15.430 --> 00:24:19.349 of who we are. Those moments don't define our parenting. 349 00:24:19.829 --> 00:24:24.390 Those are moments where stories from our past are interrupting 350 00:24:24.630 --> 00:24:30.559 our present. And still, it's never too late to make 351 00:24:30.599 --> 00:24:35.319 a change. If today's episode resonated with you, please take 352 00:24:35.359 --> 00:24:38.019 a moment to share it with another parent who might 353 00:24:38.039 --> 00:24:41.160 need to hear it or to rate and review it 354 00:24:41.839 --> 00:24:45.839 or drop a comment if you're listening on Spotify or YouTube. 355 00:24:47.079 --> 00:24:50.240 And let's end with a grounding moment where you place 356 00:24:50.650 --> 00:24:54.549 both feet on the ground. And join me in putting 357 00:24:54.589 --> 00:24:59.289 a hand on your heart. And let's remind ourselves, even 358 00:24:59.549 --> 00:25:06.630 as we struggle on the outside, We remain good inside. 359 00:25:06.650 --> 00:25:16.079 I'll see you soon. You know, parents carry a lot. 360 00:25:16.480 --> 00:25:19.579 In fact, data show that most parents spend every waking 361 00:25:19.640 --> 00:25:23.240 hour caring for someone else. So if you feel exhausted 362 00:25:23.289 --> 00:25:26.630 and stretched thin, you're not alone, and that makes sense. 363 00:25:27.250 --> 00:25:29.730 And look, I also know from experience what a relief 364 00:25:29.789 --> 00:25:33.210 it is to find caregiving support. Finding a babysitter you 365 00:25:33.289 --> 00:25:36.799 trust and your kids will have fun with, that makes 366 00:25:36.880 --> 00:25:39.539 it so much easier to go back to work or 367 00:25:39.759 --> 00:25:45.380 travel or, yeah, even go on one date with your partner. Care.com 368 00:25:45.400 --> 00:25:49.599 makes it easier to find trusted, background-checked caregivers with search 369 00:25:49.700 --> 00:25:53.079 and hiring tools you won't find on social media. Whether 370 00:25:53.119 --> 00:25:56.119 you need full-time help or just part-time help with morning 371 00:25:56.160 --> 00:26:00.279 drop-off or after-school care, Care.com can help you find nannies, sitters, 372 00:26:00.480 --> 00:26:03.250 and daycares. And you can find the expertise that matters 373 00:26:03.309 --> 00:26:07.950 to you. Think homework help, CPR training, or experience with 374 00:26:08.069 --> 00:26:11.920 multiple kids. And if you're considering daycare, you can search, compare, 375 00:26:12.000 --> 00:26:15.440 and request tours and could even get a discount on 376 00:26:15.660 --> 00:26:20.099 daycare tuition as a Care.com member. If you need more support, Care.com 377 00:26:20.119 --> 00:26:22.589 can help. For a limited time, you can use the 378 00:26:22.619 --> 00:26:28.809 code BECKY35 to save 35% on a Care.com membership. When 379 00:26:28.849 --> 00:26:30.670 it's not you, it's Care.com.