Full Transcript for The Brain & Abuse

waiting for his Colorado funeral. 72 00:04:42.500 --> 00:04:44.060 And it was at that point. 73 00:04:45.379 --> 00:04:49.920 That time frame in here and that one of his 74 00:04:49.980 --> 00:04:55.800 children got abusive with me. He even called my attorney. Actually, 75 00:04:55.839 --> 00:04:59.120 he was my husband's attorney through the divorce that he 76 00:04:59.180 --> 00:05:03.199 had gone through. And the attorney called me and he 77 00:05:03.240 --> 00:05:08.500 basically told me without telling me that if he worked 78 00:05:08.560 --> 00:05:11.709 for me and he was my lawyer, he would suggest 79 00:05:11.850 --> 00:05:14.670 that I I tell him not to talk to the 80 00:05:14.699 --> 00:05:18.949 other side. So I immediately hired him at that point 81 00:05:19.029 --> 00:05:23.050 to be my attorney through the process. And he said, 82 00:05:23.290 --> 00:05:27.149 now I tell you to block those children, to not 83 00:05:27.230 --> 00:05:31.939 have any conversation with them, all based on his oldest 84 00:05:32.000 --> 00:05:36.360 biological son, because his oldest son he adopted and his 85 00:05:36.459 --> 00:05:39.319 oldest biological son got extremely abusive. 86 00:05:40.019 --> 00:05:41.759 And because of that, I was. 87 00:05:41.720 --> 00:05:46.990 Told to not unless information I had was subpoenaed or 88 00:05:47.230 --> 00:05:52.990 asked for by an attorney not to give information. Anyways, 89 00:05:53.209 --> 00:05:56.569 all of this was very abusive. He was listening to 90 00:05:56.610 --> 00:06:03.680 his mother. When I had to block him and I 91 00:06:03.740 --> 00:06:06.699 told him I couldn't give him additional information unless he 92 00:06:06.720 --> 00:06:11.379 went through my attorney, he became abusive then to my sister. 93 00:06:11.790 --> 00:06:14.810 calling my sister and telling her that she had to 94 00:06:14.889 --> 00:06:18.540 give information. So my sister texts me and she said, oh, 95 00:06:18.800 --> 00:06:21.360 he called and he says, I needed to tell you 96 00:06:21.439 --> 00:06:24.420 to give this information to him. And I said, no, 97 00:06:24.759 --> 00:06:27.339 this is information from the attorney. I suggest that you 98 00:06:27.379 --> 00:06:32.269 block him, have absolutely no conversation with him and stay 99 00:06:32.310 --> 00:06:34.850 completely out of it. And at this point, I was 100 00:06:34.910 --> 00:06:37.810 texting him back and forth and telling him to leave 101 00:06:37.870 --> 00:06:41.230 my sister out of things. But this is what abuse does, right? 102 00:06:41.389 --> 00:06:44.050 It messes with your brain. And for those of us, 103 00:06:44.410 --> 00:06:47.589 those of you who are going through this, you're going 104 00:06:47.610 --> 00:06:52.069 to find this to be exactly what you're experiencing. You 105 00:06:52.110 --> 00:06:54.110 walk into a room, you don't know what you're in 106 00:06:54.149 --> 00:06:57.050 there for. I mean, this is normal for most people, 107 00:06:57.250 --> 00:07:00.769 but when we are dealing with abuse, it becomes way worse. 108 00:07:00.850 --> 00:07:04.589 We might stand there for minutes. 109 00:07:04.490 --> 00:07:07.439 Instead of seconds to try and figure out one, why 110 00:07:07.480 --> 00:07:11.529 we're in the room. And two, what we're doing, what 111 00:07:11.569 --> 00:07:16.370 we're looking for, why are we even there, not even 112 00:07:16.430 --> 00:07:20.660 remembering getting from one room to the next? This is 113 00:07:20.779 --> 00:07:24.939 all because our brain is at a point where it 114 00:07:25.079 --> 00:07:29.790 is trying to protect us. Our brain, and I will 115 00:07:29.829 --> 00:07:33.370 back up, I've talked about this recently, I was an EMT. 116 00:07:33.529 --> 00:07:35.509 And so one of the things that we're taught on 117 00:07:35.610 --> 00:07:41.230 the ambulance is that When we have a severe bleed, 118 00:07:41.329 --> 00:07:46.170 whether it's internal or external, our body tries to protect it. 119 00:07:46.269 --> 00:07:49.009 So it will cut the blood flow off to the 120 00:07:49.089 --> 00:07:52.670 limbs because the limbs don't need to have blood to 121 00:07:52.709 --> 00:07:55.810 keep that body alive. Your heart needs blood, your brain 122 00:07:55.860 --> 00:07:58.480 needs blood, your lungs need blood, your liver needs blood. 123 00:07:59.060 --> 00:08:01.399 So it will cut all the blood flow off to 124 00:08:01.439 --> 00:08:05.600 your limbs, arms and legs, and it will restrict that 125 00:08:05.639 --> 00:08:09.009 blood flow to the body and to the head so 126 00:08:09.050 --> 00:08:12.740 that it can survive. It's the same way with our mind. 127 00:08:13.240 --> 00:08:16.160 Our mind is in a fight or flight response just 128 00:08:16.279 --> 00:08:19.720 continuously because of the abuse that we're dealing with. And 129 00:08:19.779 --> 00:08:22.939 so it doesn't function very well. And in order for 130 00:08:23.170 --> 00:08:27.029 it to keep this body alive, because this is serious 131 00:08:27.089 --> 00:08:31.009 stuff to the brain, it will take the short-term memory 132 00:08:31.170 --> 00:08:33.779 and get rid of it. It says short-term memory is 133 00:08:33.860 --> 00:08:37.080 not important. The only thing that's important for us right here, 134 00:08:37.399 --> 00:08:42.039 right now, is to protect this person. And it will 135 00:08:42.100 --> 00:08:45.679 do things like it will have you screaming back at them. 136 00:08:45.879 --> 00:08:48.320 It will have you throwing things. It will have you 137 00:08:50.000 --> 00:08:53.799 hiding in the closet. It will have you cowering to 138 00:08:54.039 --> 00:08:57.320 the abuser. It can do one side or the other side, 139 00:08:57.379 --> 00:09:00.100 whatever the brain thinks it needs to do to survive. 140 00:09:00.820 --> 00:09:04.090 And this is... is done to. 141 00:09:04.409 --> 00:09:08.610 Protect this body, to protect this human from this abuse. 142 00:09:09.129 -->

00:09:12.330 And this is just the subconscious aspect to trying to 143 00:09:12.389 --> 00:09:15.490 protect you. So all of that, when we get ready 144 00:09:15.549 --> 00:09:19.710 to go through divorce, we're unable to make decisions. And 145 00:09:19.789 --> 00:09:24.779 that's where having professional help And in divorce, I do 146 00:09:24.840 --> 00:09:28.860 recommend to everybody to have a divorce coach. Divorce coaches, 147 00:09:28.940 --> 00:09:31.720 especially those of us who are trained in high conflict, 148 00:09:32.240 --> 00:09:36.179 we know exactly what we can do to help you 149 00:09:36.580 --> 00:09:40.799 get over this situation at this moment so that we 150 00:09:40.840 --> 00:09:44.139 can make the one decision that's necessary for you right 151 00:09:44.240 --> 00:09:47.639 now at this moment, and then set you up so 152 00:09:47.679 --> 00:09:51.299 that we can help you make the coming decisions as 153 00:09:51.330 --> 00:09:55.259 the They're going to happen because you'll have to gather 154 00:09:55.299 --> 00:09:59.970 your financials. You'll have to talk about the division of properties. 155 00:10:00.139 --> 00:10:04.379 You'll have to talk about parenting time and who has 156 00:10:04.460 --> 00:10:09.450 what holidays, all of that super important. And although attorneys 157 00:10:09.529 --> 00:10:11.909 do this daily, it's what they. 158 00:10:11.750 --> 00:10:12.570 Do all the time. 159 00:10:13.230 --> 00:10:17.879 There are certain things that attorneys don't realize that the 160 00:10:17.940 --> 00:10:22.919 client goes through because the client goes through them after 161 00:10:23.620 --> 00:10:24.970 they are done with the divorce. 162 00:10:25.529 --> 00:10:27.009 So basically after they've. 163 00:10:26.830 --> 00:10:29.970 Gotten rid of and done away with the attorney because 164 00:10:29.990 --> 00:10:32.850 the divorce is over. Well, now they get their permanent 165 00:10:32.950 --> 00:10:35.509 orders and they will find in the permanent orders that 166 00:10:36.470 --> 00:10:38.389 there's not a timeline for this. 167 00:10:39.289 --> 00:10:42.309 For you to pay your taxes, there's no timeline. 168 00:10:42.429 --> 00:10:45.169 It doesn't have to be done three months it doesn't 169 00:10:45.210 --> 00:10:47.370 have to be done in three years it doesn't have 170 00:10:47.409 --> 00:10:50.190 to be done in 30 years so as long as 171 00:10:50.230 --> 00:10:52.860 the other side is continuing to say I'm getting it 172 00:10:52.889 --> 00:10:57.820 done they are technically not in violation of the orders 173 00:10:58.320 --> 00:11:01.340 so this is something the attorneys don't realize goes on 174 00:11:01.639 --> 00:11:05.120 in the background because they generally don't have to deal 175 00:11:05.159 --> 00:11:08.580 with this divorce coaches because this is what all of 176 00:11:08.659 --> 00:11:12.490 our clients are going through we have an understanding of 177 00:11:12.549 --> 00:11:14.610 you need to

put this in the permanent orders. 178 00:11:14.649 --> 00:11:15.429 You need to put that. 179 00:11:15.529 --> 00:11:18.500 One of the things that I tell people often in 180 00:11:18.620 --> 00:11:22.799 putting the parenting plan together is make sure that you 181 00:11:22.919 --> 00:11:26.919 have a time to call or you let the other 182 00:11:26.980 --> 00:11:32.179 parent call at a specific time. You give that time frame, say, 183 00:11:32.559 --> 00:11:35.600 from 5 to 7. You can call any time from 184 00:11:35.600 --> 00:11:38.649 5 to 7. I will make the child available to you. 185 00:11:39.080 --> 00:11:41.840 But if you don't have that time in there, then 186 00:11:41.899 --> 00:11:44.600 they will fight with you. They will call at 10 a.m. 187 00:11:44.679 --> 00:11:47.240 They will call anytime they know you're in the car. 188 00:11:47.679 --> 00:11:50.730 They will call when you're at an event and they 189 00:11:50.769 --> 00:11:54.129 will ask to talk to these children. And if you 190 00:11:54.389 --> 00:11:58.149 are not, if you don't have this in your parenting plan, 191 00:11:58.990 --> 00:12:02.809 then you are pretty much so willy nilly and they 192 00:12:02.909 --> 00:12:05.970 can just get pissed and force you to go back 193 00:12:06.049 --> 00:12:08.570 into court and to deal with this type of stuff, 194 00:12:08.610 --> 00:12:11.399 which is something you don't need. You've already been through 195 00:12:11.460 --> 00:12:16.500 enough abuse in the relationship. You've been through enough abuse 196 00:12:16.799 --> 00:12:20.159 in the divorce. You do not need to go through 197 00:12:20.759 --> 00:12:26.669 post-divorce abuse like this, okay? So we need, we as 198 00:12:26.710 --> 00:12:29.730 divorce coaches, and it doesn't have to be me. I 199 00:12:29.789 --> 00:12:34.940 recommend a divorce coach. And in these conflicts, aspects, I 200 00:12:35.039 --> 00:12:40.450 recommend a high conflict, certified high conflict divorce coach. I 201 00:12:40.529 --> 00:12:44.750 myself am a certified high conflict divorce coach. And that 202 00:12:44.950 --> 00:12:51.879 in general gives us a broad understanding. I have been 203 00:12:52.399 --> 00:12:57.679 doing this since before we got a certification in place. 204 00:12:58.399 --> 00:13:00.720 And then we went through the certification and I would 205 00:13:00.759 --> 00:13:03.139 tell you it was a perfect certification. All of us 206 00:13:03.889 --> 00:13:08.570 that were already coaching in the high conflict arena said 207 00:13:08.789 --> 00:13:12.190 it was an amazing course. It covered everything that we 208 00:13:12.230 --> 00:13:14.590 go through with our high conflict clients. 209 00:13:15.649 --> 00:13:18.830 But back to our brain, our brain is not functioning. 210 00:13:19.070 --> 00:13:22.769 And so I can tell you of recent that I 211 00:13:22.830 --> 00:13:28.610 was diagnosed here recently or stated to have a TBI. 212 00:13:29.269 --> 00:13:34.039 That is a brain injury,

a traumatic injury. brain injury, TBI. 213 00:13:34.639 --> 00:13:39.149 And the traumatic part means that it wasn't caused from 214 00:13:39.190 --> 00:13:43.129 a car accident. And so this is where people that 215 00:13:43.570 --> 00:13:50.230 don't understand this type of an injury, they're like, yeah, well, 216 00:13:50.250 --> 00:13:51.370 you didn't get a bruise. 217 00:13:51.789 --> 00:13:54.919 You didn't lose blood. So it's not a real injury. 218 00:13:56.330 --> 00:14:00.330 TBI is something that we see our vets go through 219 00:14:00.929 --> 00:14:03.049 and they may go through it because they've had a 220 00:14:03.090 --> 00:14:07.370 lot of brain trauma because they've been shot at and 221 00:14:07.429 --> 00:14:11.750 they've been blown, you know, in the, the area of 222 00:14:11.850 --> 00:14:14.789 things blowing up. And so their head might have hit things, 223 00:14:15.590 --> 00:14:21.230 but what really causes the TBI for most people is 224 00:14:21.330 --> 00:14:25.690 the trauma that we go through. Those of us that 225 00:14:25.769 --> 00:14:31.509 have been through trauma of any kind, but specifically sexual trauma, 226 00:14:32.299 --> 00:14:36.899 that type of trauma gets into a child's brain. And 227 00:14:37.100 --> 00:14:40.659 in order to protect a little tiny child from all 228 00:14:40.679 --> 00:14:44.120 of this, it will do all kinds of things to 229 00:14:44.200 --> 00:14:47.940 protect that child. That is what I am dealing with. 230 00:14:48.899 --> 00:14:52.899 I was molested as a young child, started like in 231 00:14:52.980 --> 00:14:56.070 first grade. Some of this stuff happened. I had a 232 00:14:56.309 --> 00:14:59.269 young boy and the poor boy. I look back over 233 00:14:59.340 --> 00:15:01.879 this now and I feel so bad for him. He 234 00:15:01.899 --> 00:15:05.100 has since died. But there was a point where he 235 00:15:05.220 --> 00:15:07.899 touched me. I was wearing a skirt this day. And 236 00:15:09.000 --> 00:15:13.019 he said, let me touch your cookie. How does a 237 00:15:13.100 --> 00:15:18.899 young child end up calling female parts a cookie? So 238 00:15:18.960 --> 00:15:23.200 you can tell just by that. that this young boy 239 00:15:23.360 --> 00:15:27.639 was being sexually abused by an adult in his home 240 00:15:27.960 --> 00:15:31.259 as a young child. So we have no clue what 241 00:15:31.340 --> 00:15:33.980 his brain went through. But I can tell you that's 242 00:15:34.059 --> 00:15:37.730 when mine started. And he didn't continue on with that 243 00:15:37.779 --> 00:15:40.230 type of stuff because I was scared of him and 244 00:15:40.269 --> 00:15:44.009 never sat next to him again in class. But it 245 00:15:44.429 --> 00:15:50.450 continued from other boys. And one specific boy continued that 246 00:15:50.529 --> 00:15:54.710 stuff with me From age nine until I was 16. 247 00:15:54.710 --> 00:15:55.529 And through the. 248 00:15:55.509 --> 00:16:02.059 Course of working through this

with my help, I sought 249 00:16:02.159 --> 00:16:08.580 professional help from medical therapists, from RTT therapists, from a 250 00:16:09.759 --> 00:16:13.639 Catholic father who worked with me for a year and 251 00:16:13.659 --> 00:16:16.360 a half on these types of things. This type of 252 00:16:16.419 --> 00:16:20.549 stuff has come up to where now sex trafficking has 253 00:16:20.590 --> 00:16:22.940 been a part of that. And we all see that 254 00:16:23.019 --> 00:16:26.220 sex trafficking or no, this is what we think sex 255 00:16:26.259 --> 00:16:27.360 trafficking is, right? 256 00:16:28.179 --> 00:16:30.539 Is where they bring boys. 257 00:16:30.299 --> 00:16:35.120 Or girls, young people generally from state to state and 258 00:16:35.740 --> 00:16:39.879 sell them to somebody else. Well, that is the grand 259 00:16:40.000 --> 00:16:44.470 finale type thing. That is the big side of sex trafficking. 260 00:16:44.830 --> 00:16:49.759 Sex trafficking can be going on within your own homes. Now, 261 00:16:50.039 --> 00:16:52.659 this is more rare. In the home is more rare. 262 00:16:52.820 --> 00:16:57.820 But what we're seeing is we're seeing young girls around 263 00:16:57.860 --> 00:17:02.320 the age of 12, 13, where parents are letting them 264 00:17:02.360 --> 00:17:06.069 start to date around that time. And a boy that 265 00:17:06.130 --> 00:17:09.190 has lots of money decides he's going to date her. 266 00:17:09.250 --> 00:17:12.089 He takes her out. He buys her nice, beautiful gifts, 267 00:17:12.150 --> 00:17:16.930 expensive rings, expensive purses. And he takes care of her. 268 00:17:16.990 --> 00:17:17.599 He picks her up. 269 00:17:18.799 --> 00:17:21.920 Goes out to dinner and brings her home. Well, at 270 00:17:22.000 --> 00:17:25.900 some point in this, the young boy who is dating 271 00:17:25.980 --> 00:17:31.069 age around the same age as her says, well, let's 272 00:17:31.549 --> 00:17:34.450 get your friends to come along next time and my 273 00:17:34.509 --> 00:17:38.150 friends will come along. Well, then the young girls that 274 00:17:38.210 --> 00:17:43.210 she brings along become sex trafficked. She can be trafficked. 275 00:17:43.609 --> 00:17:46.529 Now she's come into the home and she meets the 276 00:17:46.609 --> 00:17:50.029 father of the young boy, or at least who's posing. 277 00:17:49.670 --> 00:17:54.380 As the father of the young boy. And we go into. 278 00:17:54.200 --> 00:17:58.660 This and we talk about how these girls are asked 279 00:17:58.720 --> 00:18:02.839 to do massage and the man, the adult man, is 280 00:18:03.019 --> 00:18:07.000 on the table naked and he asks for special favors. 281 00:18:07.819 --> 00:18:10.779 This type of stuff goes on. Then the young girl 282 00:18:10.859 --> 00:18:14.589 is brought home. To her home, her parents are there. Well, 283 00:18:15.569 --> 00:18:18.730 Whatever is said and whatever she feels, of course, she's 284 00:18:18.769 --> 00:18:21.650 not going to tell

her parents. And this is how 285 00:18:21.730 --> 00:18:26.519 we're seeing sex trafficking done more often than not. And 286 00:18:26.539 --> 00:18:29.859 I have worked with young girls over the years that 287 00:18:30.019 --> 00:18:35.000 this type of sex trafficking is exactly what's taking place. We, 288 00:18:35.099 --> 00:18:38.339 I mean, they never, they never go out. They never 289 00:18:38.380 --> 00:18:40.500 leave the state. In fact, in lots of cases, they 290 00:18:40.539 --> 00:18:44.349 never even leave the town. But money is being exchanged, 291 00:18:44.569 --> 00:18:47.319 or in my case, it was prestige that was being 292 00:18:47.500 --> 00:18:52.220 exchanged for me to have sex with these boys. I 293 00:18:52.259 --> 00:18:55.539 got to the point in my communication with my therapist 294 00:18:56.079 --> 00:19:00.950 that I can count approximately 15. I don't remember any incident. 295 00:19:01.210 --> 00:19:03.390 I just know that they were around. I do know 296 00:19:03.509 --> 00:19:06.789 some of the incidences. And then some of these boys 297 00:19:07.150 --> 00:19:10.660 told me the things. Like one asked me out on 298 00:19:10.700 --> 00:19:12.920 a date and when he asked me where we should park, 299 00:19:13.039 --> 00:19:16.019 I said I wanted to go home. And he said, well, 300 00:19:16.099 --> 00:19:20.490 so-and-so said that you'd put out. And I said, no, 301 00:19:20.509 --> 00:19:24.490 you can take me home. That's how I was able 302 00:19:24.529 --> 00:19:28.589 to connect dots is I re-heard that conversation from that date. 303 00:19:29.089 --> 00:19:32.440 And I had been asked out by several guys and 304 00:19:33.079 --> 00:19:35.589 none of them said, that I can remember, and this 305 00:19:35.650 --> 00:19:37.990 is the part with our brain is, is it takes 306 00:19:38.269 --> 00:19:41.690 out that memory. And this is what I am dealing 307 00:19:41.759 --> 00:19:44.039 with now is a lot of that memory has been 308 00:19:44.079 --> 00:19:48.359 taken out to protect me. And there's other parts of that. 309 00:19:48.500 --> 00:19:54.630 And there's a, a disorder that's called dissociative identity disorder. 310 00:19:55.089 --> 00:19:58.029 And in some cases, it's bad enough to be called 311 00:20:00.049 --> 00:20:04.990 multiple personality disorder. And if you really want to look 312 00:20:05.349 --> 00:20:08.869 at multiple personalities or you want to look at DID, 313 00:20:09.650 --> 00:20:14.309 the dissociative identity disorder. We all deal with some form 314 00:20:14.349 --> 00:20:17.029 of that. If you've ever been in class and you 315 00:20:17.069 --> 00:20:20.950 have zoned out when the teacher's talking, that is DID. 316 00:20:21.519 --> 00:20:24.859 That is your mind getting out of. 317 00:20:24.880 --> 00:20:27.480 Here because it was bored in this case. 318 00:20:27.980 --> 00:20:31.450 For those of us who've gone through things as horrible 319 00:20:31.569 --> 00:20:35.089 as sex trafficking. And

when I say adult men, there 320 00:20:35.130 --> 00:20:37.609 were adult men that were involved in mine, and I 321 00:20:37.650 --> 00:20:40.970 have little to no memory of what took place. And 322 00:20:41.170 --> 00:20:44.029 I'll thank God for that because I don't want to 323 00:20:44.109 --> 00:20:47.150 remember some of that. It is coming up through therapy 324 00:20:47.430 --> 00:20:51.930 because we're now trying to figure out why I'm having 325 00:20:52.069 --> 00:20:57.789 bouts of memory loss. And it's gotten better over the 326 00:20:57.809 --> 00:20:59.990 timeframe that I've worked with these people, but I would 327 00:21:00.029 --> 00:21:03.349 be having a conversation with somebody other than clients. It 328 00:21:03.390 --> 00:21:05.369 never seemed to happen when I was working with clients, 329 00:21:06.099 --> 00:21:09.099 but I would lose my sentence in the middle of talking. 330 00:21:09.200 --> 00:21:12.180 And I would, I remember each time I'd look up 331 00:21:12.299 --> 00:21:16.240 for the words that I'm missing. The person never really 332 00:21:16.339 --> 00:21:20.980 caught on to that, but there are times since all 333 00:21:21.019 --> 00:21:24.660 of this stuff and my dad's death and then family 334 00:21:24.759 --> 00:21:29.650 conflict that's taken, you know, in there that I, I 335 00:21:29.710 --> 00:21:33.390 thought I was drinking too much. And so I told 336 00:21:33.450 --> 00:21:37.819 my doctor I had a concern about alcoholism because I 337 00:21:37.940 --> 00:21:40.279 come from a family of alcoholics. 338 00:21:41.099 --> 00:21:44.420 And after the doctor looked. 339 00:21:44.279 --> 00:21:46.789 Over things and what happened after I quit, because I 340 00:21:46.890 --> 00:21:49.150 quit drinking for 45 days completely. 341 00:21:49.990 --> 00:21:53.490 And then I needed to know for myself if alcohol 342 00:21:53.609 --> 00:21:57.410 was an issue. And It didn't seem to be an 343 00:21:57.470 --> 00:21:58.549 issue for me at all. 344 00:21:58.789 --> 00:22:02.670 As long as I can say no and I don't crave, 345 00:22:02.710 --> 00:22:05.690 then I am not as overly concerned. But I had 346 00:22:05.750 --> 00:22:10.789 blamed an incident on alcohol. And it's because I know 347 00:22:10.849 --> 00:22:13.869 I was drinking. But when I talk with a therapist 348 00:22:13.930 --> 00:22:19.109 and I go back to it, this disassociated situation happened 349 00:22:19.269 --> 00:22:24.099 before I started drinking that day. And it was because 350 00:22:24.339 --> 00:22:27.900 I had a point where I was so hurt and 351 00:22:28.019 --> 00:22:32.240 hurt can show up as anger because that's our, our 352 00:22:32.279 --> 00:22:36.160 subconscious trying to protect us. And so this hurt showed 353 00:22:36.240 --> 00:22:39.150 up as anger. And I ended up in a situation 354 00:22:39.750 --> 00:22:43.670 that got me in a bad place. And that's when 355 00:22:43.730 --> 00:22:46.009 I decided it was time for me to go talk 356 00:22:46.029 --> 00:22:48.660 with a therapist and figure out what was really going on. 357 00:22:48.670 --> 00:22:52.849 And so, The therapist, and this is a doctor, I 358 00:22:52.890 --> 00:22:57.359 had a medical therapist, and there wasn't an alcohol issue. 359 00:22:57.440 --> 00:22:58.819 But now we're going back. 360 00:22:58.680 --> 00:23:03.259 To the brain and everything that happens to us when 361 00:23:03.299 --> 00:23:08.400 we're going through an abusive situation. I have PTS from 362 00:23:09.019 --> 00:23:14.160 one thing. I had my ex-husband grab my hand, my wrist. 363 00:23:15.250 --> 00:23:17.710 And I'm a trained martial artist, so I knew how 364 00:23:17.730 --> 00:23:20.349 to get out of it. And I released and hit 365 00:23:20.390 --> 00:23:25.349 a door jam and broke my hand. And later, he 366 00:23:25.430 --> 00:23:27.690 pinned me down on the bed, sticking his. 367 00:23:27.609 --> 00:23:28.430 Knee in my chest. 368 00:23:30.119 --> 00:23:32.799 His statement was he was doing all this to protect 369 00:23:32.859 --> 00:23:36.059 me because I seemed to be kind of crazy and 370 00:23:36.119 --> 00:23:38.660 losing my mind. And he was trying to keep me 371 00:23:38.759 --> 00:23:44.400 from driving or something worse. That was gaslighting. Gaslighting the event. 372 00:23:45.059 --> 00:23:47.920 When I would bring up the hand, he would say, 373 00:23:47.940 --> 00:23:49.920 it was your fault. I didn't break it. 374 00:23:50.569 --> 00:23:51.289 And when I would. 375 00:23:51.170 --> 00:23:54.210 Bring up the ribs and the bruise and the separated ribs, 376 00:23:54.230 --> 00:23:56.730 because he separated the ribs from the sternum. When I 377 00:23:56.769 --> 00:24:01.170 would bring that up, he would say, well, you got crazy. 378 00:24:01.190 --> 00:24:03.430 It was your fault that I had to pin you down. 379 00:24:04.180 --> 00:24:08.519 And at no point did this happen prior to any 380 00:24:08.599 --> 00:24:13.019 other time. And it didn't happen for a long period 381 00:24:13.059 --> 00:24:17.670 of time afterwards. I, although am a professional fighter, I 382 00:24:18.450 --> 00:24:19.460 would fight in the ring. 383 00:24:19.480 --> 00:24:22.380 I am not a fighter in real life. 384 00:24:22.420 --> 00:24:26.180 That's generally not what my subconscious wants to do. My 385 00:24:26.220 --> 00:24:29.200 subconscious wants to leave. You know, I might yell and 386 00:24:29.220 --> 00:24:32.759 scream back, but my subconscious tells me, get out of here. 387 00:24:33.000 --> 00:24:36.690 It's safer to leave. And the most dangerous time in 388 00:24:37.029 --> 00:24:39.869 any relationship is the moment that you go to leave. 389 00:24:40.269 --> 00:24:43.109 Whether that is leaving the fight, which is what I 390 00:24:43.170 --> 00:24:48.349 was doing, or leaving the relationship. And that includes talking 391 00:24:48.430 --> 00:24:53.180 about it. That includes writing about it. And even in 392 00:24:53.299 --> 00:24:58.880

some cases, thinking about leaving while you're with your partner. Now, 393 00:24:59.039 --> 00:25:02.319 how do I know that thinking can be a deal? 394 00:25:02.920 --> 00:25:06.490 Because the last fight I had with my ex-husband, I 395 00:25:06.549 --> 00:25:11.430 was thinking about grabbing my car keys and rushing out 396 00:25:11.470 --> 00:25:15.069 the door. He had already come through the door and 397 00:25:15.130 --> 00:25:19.269 was in the whole other room before I flinched to 398 00:25:19.329 --> 00:25:22.279 grab my car keys. Before I flinched, he was already 399 00:25:22.319 --> 00:25:26.460 headed towards me. So just the thinking about it in 400 00:25:26.519 --> 00:25:29.279 that case got me in a dangerous situation. 401 00:25:29.380 --> 00:25:30.500 I got out to my vehicle. 402 00:25:30.539 --> 00:25:32.440 I was just leaving. I was just going to go 403 00:25:32.500 --> 00:25:34.329 drive so that I didn't have to deal with the 404 00:25:34.380 --> 00:25:38.730 screaming and yelling again. And he bent the door on 405 00:25:38.789 --> 00:25:39.349 my van. 406 00:25:39.490 --> 00:25:40.450 I stuck it in. 407 00:25:40.509 --> 00:25:43.720 And in this case, I hit him and I believe 408 00:25:43.779 --> 00:25:45.980 I broke his nose. There was blood all inside my 409 00:25:46.039 --> 00:25:49.950 car and he tossed me out the van, but he 410 00:25:50.069 --> 00:25:53.970 bent the door in my van and tried to pull 411 00:25:53.990 --> 00:25:57.230 me out while I was trying to back up. That's 412 00:25:57.269 --> 00:26:00.369 why I stuck it into drive to try and push 413 00:26:00.410 --> 00:26:04.329 him out of the way and I made contact. Some 414 00:26:04.369 --> 00:26:06.470 of what I'm talking about here is what we call 415 00:26:06.549 --> 00:26:12.630 reactive abuse. When we've been abused, we will react with abuse. 416 00:26:12.769 --> 00:26:16.470 We might react first. And in this specific case, although 417 00:26:16.849 --> 00:26:21.849 he bent the door and that is dangerous to me, 418 00:26:21.869 --> 00:26:27.339 I have the right there to protect myself. But in 419 00:26:27.480 --> 00:26:31.500 the case with me making first body contact, that is 420 00:26:31.579 --> 00:26:35.700 reactive abuse. I was reacting to protect me and we 421 00:26:35.740 --> 00:26:39.609 will go through that. So if you find yourself where 422 00:26:39.750 --> 00:26:44.609 you're being a little bit the aggressor or aggressive. It 423 00:26:44.910 --> 00:26:49.250 is part of reactive abuse because of what you've been through. Again, 424 00:26:49.289 --> 00:26:51.799 that brings us back to our brain and how our 425 00:26:51.839 --> 00:26:57.720 brain does not work properly thinking wise during this time. 426 00:26:58.579 --> 00:27:03.230 We can't make divorce decisions without professional help. And so 427 00:27:03.289 --> 00:27:06.410 I encourage you, if you are going through a divorce, 428 00:27:06.789 --> 00:27:10.519 that you seek a divorce coach that is trained in 429 00:27:10.579 --> 00:27:15.019 high conflict. One that might actually even be a therapist 430 00:27:15.119 --> 00:27:17.279 might be one of the better ones to go to. 431 00:27:17.980 --> 00:27:20.440 I have studied the brain. I go to a lot 432 00:27:20.460 --> 00:27:22.960 of classes that the therapists go through so that I 433 00:27:23.000 --> 00:27:27.740 can understand more about the brain. Being able to have 434 00:27:27.799 --> 00:27:30.920 a professional there to help you is important. Something else 435 00:27:30.960 --> 00:27:33.240 that you can do that can start to help is 436 00:27:33.680 --> 00:27:35.049 a lot of us are gaslit. 437 00:27:35.130 --> 00:27:36.690 We don't understand. 438 00:27:37.289 --> 00:27:41.210 And so early on, right when the gaslighting is happening, 439 00:27:42.210 --> 00:27:45.529 we consider them lying, which is what's happening. But a 440 00:27:45.650 --> 00:27:50.599 lie is something slightly different than gaslighting. Gaslighting is when 441 00:27:50.680 --> 00:27:55.380 they tell their narrative and take your narrative completely out 442 00:27:55.420 --> 00:27:58.440 of your head. They get you convinced that their narrative 443 00:27:58.559 --> 00:28:01.480 was the right narrative. The hand that he said was 444 00:28:01.539 --> 00:28:04.660 my fault. It took me several years and I had 445 00:28:04.700 --> 00:28:07.299 to work with a therapist. It took, I don't know 446 00:28:07.359 --> 00:28:09.839 how many times that therapist had to say, but he 447 00:28:09.940 --> 00:28:15.490 grabbed you. You didn't release something that wasn't already done 448 00:28:15.730 --> 00:28:20.109 to you. And then he threw you on that bed, 449 00:28:21.150 --> 00:28:23.289 pinned me down and stuck his knee in my chest. 450 00:28:23.599 --> 00:28:26.019 There was no need for his knee to be stuck 451 00:28:26.059 --> 00:28:29.019 in my chest, especially if he was only trying to 452 00:28:29.059 --> 00:28:31.420 calm me down because that's not the way you calm 453 00:28:31.460 --> 00:28:35.980 somebody that's frantic down. That took me a long time, 454 00:28:36.460 --> 00:28:38.200 a long time to be able to say. In fact, 455 00:28:38.240 --> 00:28:41.140 it took me a long time to be able to 456 00:28:41.220 --> 00:28:46.490 put my husband in a sentence with abuse. And now 457 00:28:46.849 --> 00:28:50.950 even today, I won't call him an abuser. He was 458 00:28:50.970 --> 00:28:54.829 abusive to me. I don't believe that he has had 459 00:28:54.869 --> 00:28:58.799 those same kinds of fights with his current wife. And 460 00:28:58.819 --> 00:29:02.700 I think that they have got a different kind of 461 00:29:02.740 --> 00:29:08.839 relationship that's better, more suited for him than our relationship was. 462 00:29:09.400 --> 00:29:15.299 Excuse me. So this is stuff that goes on that. 463 00:29:15.200 --> 00:29:20.890 Causes us for our brain, our subconscious to step in 464 00:29:20.910 --> 00:29:24.299 and do its

best to take care of us, whether 465 00:29:24.339 --> 00:29:29.099 that is forgetting what's taking place, taking you into another place. 466 00:29:29.240 --> 00:29:33.049 I know I've heard women that are being sexually raped. 467 00:29:33.289 --> 00:29:38.829 They're laying there. They're being beat and forced to have sex. 468 00:29:38.910 --> 00:29:41.619 There was one situation where the woman was forced to 469 00:29:41.660 --> 00:29:45.619 have sex with several men, anally and vaginally. And they 470 00:29:45.640 --> 00:29:48.500 did it so many times over the weekend that they 471 00:29:48.579 --> 00:29:54.980 broke the wall between the anal sex and the vaginal sex. 472 00:29:55.049 --> 00:29:59.390 They broke the wall in between there. And she... was 473 00:29:59.549 --> 00:30:04.319 so sore, so hurt for not just days and weeks, 474 00:30:04.440 --> 00:30:09.720 but years because the scar tissue and everything that took place. 475 00:30:10.380 --> 00:30:14.839 And the last I heard about the young lady as 476 00:30:14.900 --> 00:30:17.920 is that she couldn't even find herself in a relationship 477 00:30:17.960 --> 00:30:22.099 with men because it was so unsafe for her. But 478 00:30:22.200 --> 00:30:25.089 during the time this was taking place, her brain took 479 00:30:25.119 --> 00:30:29.269 her someplace else. She can't talk about everything that took place. 480 00:30:29.829 --> 00:30:33.569 The doctors are the ones that told us what took place. 481 00:30:34.470 --> 00:30:40.190 And all of this happened and her brain took her 482 00:30:40.470 --> 00:30:44.829 out of her memory so that she didn't have to 483 00:30:44.910 --> 00:30:49.269 think about what was happening to her. That happens even 484 00:30:49.450 --> 00:30:54.759 with the type of abuse, the pain that comes with 485 00:30:54.799 --> 00:30:57.950 that type of abuse. our brain can shut that pain 486 00:30:58.190 --> 00:31:03.220 off because it needs to protect us. And that is 487 00:31:03.500 --> 00:31:09.220 so important for us to be able to communicate. My 488 00:31:09.299 --> 00:31:12.940 situation is stuff that I've always been open to talk about, 489 00:31:12.980 --> 00:31:15.390 but I didn't have much memory of it. The one 490 00:31:15.450 --> 00:31:18.349 fight with me breaking my hand and my ribs getting separated, 491 00:31:18.730 --> 00:31:21.029 I also think that's the same fight where I ended 492 00:31:21.089 --> 00:31:25.069 up underneath a pickup truck and for the life of me, 493 00:31:26.150 --> 00:31:29.589 I think this is all one fight. I think this 494 00:31:29.670 --> 00:31:33.150 all happened at once. And I'm pretty sure the hand 495 00:31:33.170 --> 00:31:35.700 and the rib cage was all one fight. But for 496 00:31:35.720 --> 00:31:37.539 the life of me, I can't tell you what happened 497 00:31:37.559 --> 00:31:40.420 for the rest of that night. I don't know how 498 00:31:40.480 --> 00:31:43.140 I got out from underneath that pickup I called underneath. 499 00:31:43.880 --> 00:31:45.700 I don't know if I slept in the house. I 500 00:31:45.740 --> 00:31:47.339 don't know if I left. I don't know where my 501 00:31:47.380 --> 00:31:50.259 children were at. You know, I recently talked with my 502 00:31:50.339 --> 00:31:53.259 oldest about some of those fights, that specific fight, and 503 00:31:53.319 --> 00:31:55.039 they must not have been in the house because he 504 00:31:55.079 --> 00:31:59.160 didn't remember that. And for the life of me, every 505 00:31:59.240 --> 00:32:02.980 one of these fights, I can't tell you what that 506 00:32:03.400 --> 00:32:06.019 night was like or what that next day was like 507 00:32:06.559 --> 00:32:10.000 because I don't have any memory of how it stopped 508 00:32:10.980 --> 00:32:15.069 because my brain shut that memory down. I had to 509 00:32:15.109 --> 00:32:18.289 go through and it's still spotty is how it's almost 510 00:32:18.349 --> 00:32:20.950 like I'm there. And then all of a sudden I'm here. 511 00:32:21.130 --> 00:32:22.930 And then all of a sudden I'm there. And I 512 00:32:22.970 --> 00:32:26.200 don't have any memory of walking to that place or 513 00:32:26.279 --> 00:32:28.660 running to that place. I remember at one point being 514 00:32:28.779 --> 00:32:32.839 out front, screaming at him or vice versa, screaming at 515 00:32:32.900 --> 00:32:37.839 each other. And we're like nose to nose, literally that close. 516 00:32:38.339 --> 00:32:41.160 And I believe I punched him then. But again, the 517 00:32:41.200 --> 00:32:43.890 memory is not there. And so I come to today. 518 00:32:44.529 --> 00:32:47.900 And the stuff that has happened recently with my family 519 00:32:48.180 --> 00:32:52.480 and my memory can't remember some of this stuff. And 520 00:32:52.539 --> 00:32:58.009 it's because all of that has been re-triggered. So the TBI, 521 00:32:58.130 --> 00:33:02.250 the traumatic brain injury has shown up again. It's been triggered. 522 00:33:03.029 --> 00:33:06.210 And so working with a therapist in my case, you know, 523 00:33:06.250 --> 00:33:11.039 I talk about divorce coaches, but therapists in most of us, situations, 524 00:33:11.099 --> 00:33:13.420 we need to have that. We need to have somebody 525 00:33:13.460 --> 00:33:18.529 who's trained and who's dealt with sexual trauma or abuse 526 00:33:18.940 --> 00:33:22.109 to understand and be able to help us get out 527 00:33:22.329 --> 00:33:26.630 of this in our head, our subconscious, and or help 528 00:33:26.730 --> 00:33:29.930 us to deal with those triggers. And that's what I 529 00:33:30.009 --> 00:33:33.650 am currently working on with myself is to deal with 530 00:33:33.710 --> 00:33:36.759 the triggers that set this in motion. And so I 531 00:33:37.019 --> 00:33:41.200 encourage you, No matter where you're at in your life, 532 00:33:41.279 --> 00:33:45.619 whether you are being abused, whether you have been abused, 533 00:33:46.359 --> 00:33:50.259 whether there was abuse as an

adult or as a child, 534 00:33:50.740 --> 00:33:54.509 you need to have some help to make sure that 535 00:33:55.250 --> 00:33:59.849 you are dealing with today in a healthy mental way. 536 00:34:00.529 --> 00:34:03.509 This is not, I mean, we call it a disorder, 537 00:34:04.390 --> 00:34:07.470 but I don't like mental illness. I don't like the 538 00:34:07.509 --> 00:34:13.190 term mental illness because that refers people that are dealing 539 00:34:13.230 --> 00:34:16.050 with some of this stuff more traumatic than what I'm 540 00:34:16.090 --> 00:34:16.630 dealing with. 541 00:34:17.690 --> 00:34:18.909 That makes it. 542 00:34:18.889 --> 00:34:23.079 Sound like they're crazy. And I have seen how in divorce, 543 00:34:23.539 --> 00:34:27.099 how one parent can make that other parent look crazy 544 00:34:27.239 --> 00:34:31.039 and take the children away from them. So that is 545 00:34:31.139 --> 00:34:35.110 one of the reasons why working with A certified high 546 00:34:35.170 --> 00:34:40.000 conflict divorce coach is somebody that's actually safer in the 547 00:34:40.199 --> 00:34:43.039 early parts. Now, not saying that you shouldn't have a therapist, 548 00:34:43.059 --> 00:34:47.400 but they're safer in the fact that they can't use 549 00:34:47.460 --> 00:34:51.360 that information against you. I'm only helping you deal with 550 00:34:51.400 --> 00:34:54.119 the stress at hand to make the decisions you need 551 00:34:54.159 --> 00:34:59.519 to at hand for your divorce situation. And then we 552 00:34:59.579 --> 00:35:02.039 need to make sure that we are getting proper therapy 553 00:35:02.079 --> 00:35:05.949 when it's time to And it protects us in a 554 00:35:06.090 --> 00:35:10.179 different way. Now we're talking about protects our thinking and 555 00:35:10.260 --> 00:35:13.360 the way that we're going to move forward because triggers happen. 556 00:35:13.519 --> 00:35:17.960 We all have triggers. The magic buttons that somebody pushes, 557 00:35:18.280 --> 00:35:21.739 we all have them. But how we choose to go 558 00:35:21.820 --> 00:35:26.360 about keeping those triggers from being pulled or getting rid 559 00:35:26.380 --> 00:35:28.119 of it. That was one of the people I talked 560 00:35:28.159 --> 00:35:30.670 with yesterday. They said, let's just get rid of the 561 00:35:30.710 --> 00:35:34.719 trigger altogether and work through that. In my case, that's 562 00:35:34.780 --> 00:35:37.239 what I'm working on is how can I get rid 563 00:35:37.280 --> 00:35:41.019 of the triggers that can cause the stress of my, 564 00:35:41.389 --> 00:35:43.670 the loss of my husband, you know, because now that 565 00:35:43.690 --> 00:35:48.070 my dad died, that mourning has all come back from 566 00:35:49.170 --> 00:35:53.050 my husband. And that is something that we all go 567 00:35:53.090 --> 00:35:56.559 through when we're dealing with abuse of any form. If 568 00:35:56.599 --> 00:36:00.750 this has been helpful, I ask that you please like 569 00:36:00.949 --> 00:36:04.139 and share the information so that it can help others. 570 00:36:04.920 --> 00:36:08.420 And I welcome you back to the show next week 571 00:36:08.610 --> 00:36:10.969 and we will see you then. Thank you for being here. 572 00:36:14.059 --> 00:36:19.429 You're listening to WGSN-DB, Going Solo Network, Singles Talk Radio Channel, 573 00:36:19.730 --> 00:36:22.909 where we take a lighthearted and candid approach to discussions 574 00:36:22.969 --> 00:36:27.239 on the journey of relationship loss, divorce, parenting, being single, 575 00:36:27.539 --> 00:36:32.320 relationships building, dating, and yes, sex. Join our listeners and 576 00:36:32.360 --> 00:36:34.340 begin living your best life.