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Bam, another good episode in the ongoing saga that is learning how to audio engineer on top of doing the rest of this podcast.
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But today, on dry run number six, numero six, we are gonna figure out why my breathing is clipping.
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Because on the last episode that I did, everything was clipping.
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And so as I get to the end of these full-length episodes and go, wow, what genius that just was.
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I then have to go back and go, oh shit, it all sounds like shit.
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Can't put that out yet.
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So away we go with more practice.
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And if by some miracle this turns out good, then maybe we'll put it out one day.
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Also, to forewarn everyone, I am drinking Diet Coke today, which is it makes me unbelievably gassy.
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So I'll do my best not to let out the loudest burps into this microphone.
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But with all of that wonderful preamble out of the way, what in the world have we been working on this week?
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Well, as I settle into this house, I now am getting a grasp on things, and my god, how good it feels.
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And it is uh really nice and interesting to go through something so turbulent as getting out of sober living, immediately moving, and then getting settled to kind of and then doing this alongside all of that to be able to evaluate and speak to these things as they're coming about.
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Now, most of these things I've been speaking into the void and then deleting because it's just a dry run with shit audio, but it still cements in my mind these things that I'm going through of like how big of a difference it makes, even just to evaluate a bad time as you go through it, or a trying time, difficult time.
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It doesn't have to necessarily be bad, but in this case, it was it was just draining, difficult, uh, a lack of structure, no routine.
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It really felt like I was I was clawing for anything that would give some sense of normalcy to my life, and there was nothing.
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Every time I reached my hand out, the hand that I assumed would grab me back and comfort me would drift away, and then I'd go, okay, it's all on me, and I'm a horrible I don't know.
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Uh at this present moment, I'm not the best person to be offering myself comfort.
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In fact, I'm the one that often disturbs myself the most.
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So uh just being able to mentally jot that down.
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And I think that that's something that I could pass along.
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This will be an ongoing theme, an ongoing message that I'm gonna put forth no matter what, because uh as I evolve, I assume you know, I've really come to find that personal development is so mood-dependent that when I'm feeling really good, all these insights seem to make sense.
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And then when I'm feeling really bad, I just don't want to engage in anything to do with like making myself better.
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I have this tendency to wallow.
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I also have a tendency to make it worse.
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So, whatever is presented in front of me, no matter how difficult or not, if my perception is that it is difficult in some way, shape, or form, I'm going to internally make it worse.
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I'm going to turn it into a, you know, the mountains into molehill, molehills into mountains, whatever the fuck, that metaphor.
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So I'm gonna turn, I'm gonna make mountains out of molehills.
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There we go.
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My brain is coming online.
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And so in in doing that, um I've come to find that like getting away from this idea of self-improvement or that qualifying it in some way as like this is good, this is bad, has helped me ultimately come to this conclusion that the way through most things in life for me is curiosity.
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And especially in times of like high stress or when I'm feeling especially demoralized or depressed or down or hopeless.
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Again, these are all sort of feelings and mental constructs more than reality.
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And it's important to know that so that in the midst of it, I can separate just enough.
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Just enough to go, okay, I know this isn't me, but it is what I'm in.
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And I can't seem to find a way out.
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I hope through more work on myself, I can strengthen whatever muscle it is inside of me that can sort of steer me out of these things when I get in there.
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But for now, I don't have I'm ill-equipped, I don't have whatever attributes or characteristics or equipment I need to get out of this.
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So I gotta sit in it.
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Now, in comes the wonderful phrase, the only way out is through.
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And that is true.
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But I I sometimes would like to go through a little faster.
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I think as working on all this stuff, it just allows me to press the gas pedal a little harder to get through something bad.
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But, you know, it takes what it takes, it takes as long as it takes to get through.
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The thing that I must do is endure, because to avoid would be to lead me back to the maladaptive behaviors that I had before, the bad coping strategies that led me into alcoholism or self-destruction or yearning for oblivion.
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And so the best way I found to endure, at least for now, since I don't have a lot of good coping skills to get out of these feelings or emotions, I don't have enough time, um, not just in sobriety, but time in dealing with these bad feelings by just staying in them.
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My aversion to them in the past was what would lead me to drink, or to just like anything is a distraction.
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Uh, I think when things are too overwhelming and you just need time to get some separation, like a distraction is not bad, like watching movies, sitting on your phone, doing whatever it takes to just like allow the emotional energy to dissipate.
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But in this case, we're trying to talk about bad emotions in a somewhat ideal environment where you have the space to just assess.
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And in that instance, I find curiosity to be the best thing to help get through these times.
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And it's what I've been using as I've lost routine, had a lot of stress of at the end of the day, like the thing in front of me was never all that stressful.
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But my tendency to use to compile everything I have to do in one basket, and while I'm only doing one thing, carrying that basket alongside and always checking, oh my god, I gotta do all this other shit alongside the thing I'm currently doing, when I could just put that basket down, focus on what I'm doing, and then go over to that basket later and pull another thing out, just kind of one by one, eat the elephant one bite at a time.
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But I don't do that now, anyway.
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Hopefully I can develop some level of doing that.
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Um, but therein lies um the current solution to my problem is that uh in the midst of all this and losing a routine, I just I just kept going, all right, if I can't feel better, and this is another thing where we'll get into emotion here in a minute, but if I can't feel better and I can't find a way to do anything about this immediately, because my old coping mechanism would be to immediately check out or reach for the closest thing to cover this up, distract, or blot it out completely, uh, I gotta sit in it.
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Uh I guess I could just sit here and be miserable, or I could sit here and be miserable and curious.
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What does that look like?
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For me, it was just questioning a lot of it was where is this coming from?
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Because as Shakespeare said, there is nothing neither good or bad, but thinking makes it so.
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Uh, a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.
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It's the idea that we are labeling the reality as we take it in and then qualifying it.
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And so when I came to the recognition that most of my misery was being caused by my assessment of my situation, it caused me to become curious as when I'm in the midst of something that's causing me strife.
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I go, where is this coming from?
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That was one of the better first questions I would ask in those instances.
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And as that sort of unfolded and I I walked through it, it was then all right.
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I can kind of see where like the work, the inner workings of of where this came from, the history of this feeling isn't just in this moment.
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It's it's a conditioned response I have from something in the past.
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Or I can and so you can see there, all of a sudden now I'm I'm sort of following a different thread.
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And it takes me out of my misery a little bit and helps me discover certain things.
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Uh what am I feeling now?
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That that kind of gives me a little bit more agency over the situation I'm in.
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Like, so now I'm discovering sort of where it's coming from, the spring from which the misery sprouts.
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And I go, okay, I found the spring, I'm not gonna really do much with that right now.
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Uh, but now I got all this water, the emotional water that has sprung from it.
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And that gives me more of an action plan.
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And so, in the curiosity in that point, I go, okay, now I can deal with this.
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And then going forward, if I choose to think about the future, which oftentimes I hate because that that's really where um the sea of unknown variables that I try to swim within just overwhelms me completely.
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But I can sort of say, all right, if I'm willing to deal with some of this now, though, it does make it easier down the line.
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That comes from my understanding that in not dealing with things in my past, much like a crimped hose, eventually that has to uncrimp.
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And all of that backed up pressure is going to release.
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And the longer I hold it, the more backed up that pressure gets.
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So to relieve that pressure valve in time, usually at the time that things come up, is a much more healthy, I think, way to do it.
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But if, like me, at certain times in your life you were either ill-equipped or too overwhelmed, or both, or any other attribute you'd like uh to prescribe to that situation, sometimes it's best to just crimp that hose and and wait until you have the capacity to deal with it.
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My problem came when I kept that hose crimped because I just never wanted to deal with anything again.
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And anytime anything bad came up, I just said too uncomfortable, too uncomfortable.
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To the point where I knew that when I uncrimped that hose, the amount of shit I was gonna have to deal with, I didn't want to.
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So I just kept kicking the can down the road.
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And I remember in the midst of my alcoholism talking to a therapist and basically saying, like, I've been uh the best version of myself at some point in my life, and I know what it took to get there, and I know what it's gonna take to get from where I'm at now back to that, and that's not even the stopping point.
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If I'm gonna keep living, I'm gonna keep trying.
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But knowing all that, I know the amount of work it's gonna take to get there, and I just don't want to fucking do it.
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And so I kept the hose crimped, and I kept it crimped, and I kept it crimped, and the pressure kept backing up, and then it started spurting out of the hose all over the place and just fucking up every other area of my life to the point where I did just have to let it go and deal with it, and I did, and it was amazing that it it while that uh pressure is uh daunting to say the least to deal with, it dissipates faster than you would expect.
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Uh the fallout tends to not be anything that you were worried about within you know that was backed up, more than just you and how you're gonna then learn to cope as things uh when they come to you.
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Let me see if I can figure out a way to lay this out smoothly because it's so jagged in my mind.
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But it's essentially this when I think back on certain traumas or things in my life that I used as a label to define the way I was behaving in the present.
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Say it's a childhood trauma, say something from your parents or friends or an enemy.
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I mean, pick anything.
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We all have childhood trauma, uh, to one degree or another.
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Some much, I guess, uh worse than others on like a spectrum, but your trauma is relative to you.
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So somebody gets beaten as a kid or somebody gets told they're worth nothing as a kid.
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I mean, the severity seems different, but to each of those people, that's the worst thing that ever could have happened to them.
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So it in that respect, I mean it's relative.
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And that's an important thing to keep in mind when you're dealing with people, is that like uh as a healthcare provider, we always said on the pain scale, uh pain is relative.
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So if they're saying it's a 10 out of 10, even though they're sitting there talking to you, and they're not like screaming like you're actively cutting their leg off with a dull rusty saw, then it's still a 10 out of 10.
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Now, in that instance, it's hard to believe that.
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However, uh, that's just the way you approach it.
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And I think it helps to take that same mentality when people are saying this is disturbing me.
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Uh and so, given that and doing your own internal investigation, the label that I was attaching to certain things in my past, where when I would bring up in my memory, okay, this horrible thing happened and that's why I'm doing this, because I don't want to deal with that anymore.
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When I really went back and did sort of like regressive memory type of work to those instances, what I found as a 40-year-old man dealing with the 10-year-old version of me is that the particular instance didn't bother me much anymore.
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I almost laughed at it, like, really, that's that can't be why I'm so fucked up now.
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And so what I came to find was that my initial, like being a younger person too, going back to this idea of being ill-equipped, is like we aren't mentally there enough or mature enough to be able to see all sides of what's going on.
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And so in my case, I made the best I could have the best sense of the world that I was thrust into at the time, but that informed a lot of the conditioning and the ways in which I then grew into my reality as it unfolded in front of me.
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So the adaptations I made, having been traumatized at a young age, were by definition maladapted because I didn't have the maturity to understand what was going on.
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So I could only do what I could do.
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But what happened as a result of that is that each maladaptive behavior then led to another one as I did progress or mature when I had more options.
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But since the initial impulse from that trauma was leading me in a bad direction, each then what I considered mature adaptation was taking on the water of the bad adaptations before it.
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I didn't have the proper schematics to work with to say, like, oh, I'm way off course.
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It was just I was still going forward, and that was good enough for me.
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So when I kept investigating this of like using my past as sort of an excuse to, well, not as sort of, as a complete excuse for my current behaviors, I was neglecting all the conditioning that I had done to myself over the years.
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Uh and we'll get into like shame and fault and all of that, but like all of that conditioning, I was I was just looking at the start and the finish and kind of missing the whole middle ground.
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And as I did more of that sort of work, it led me to understand that like I was only remembering the this thing that I was remembering, this particular instance had become the coverall for every behavior afterwards, and all that conditioning that I had to do, which like when I got sober and when I started working on this, is this is where I'm saying when you when I undid the the hose, and then that instance came through that I didn't want to deal with and laid at my feet, I went, Oh, that wasn't that big of a deal.
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Oh shit, now what's the problem?
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The problem was that middle ground that I had avoided.
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All the conditioning, all of the bad coping mechanisms, all of the maladaptive behaviors that I had learned and taught myself, and then become accustomed to to deal with life, I came to realize all of that shit was non-productive and was ultimately killing me.
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And then I had to rework everything.
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My own internal schematics from how I interface with the world had to be reworked completely.
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So my fear initially was what all the stuff I was holding back.
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But what I came to find once I dealt with that, or at least confronted it, I didn't even need to deal with it because I was so far beyond it.
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But just recognize and go, oh, because there's some things that happen, especially when you're a child, that you can look back on and go, there's not really much to therapise here.
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It's just like there's bad people.
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They did a bad thing.
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I can't fucking do anything about it.
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The only thing I can do is change the way I've reacted to it over time, how I've distrusted people, not allowed myself to get into relationships or or formed really bad attachments to things.
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All of that is a result of that instance.
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But when I thought about it, I was like, that instance is the reason.
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That thing that happened is the reason.
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And then when I confronted it, I realized that wasn't it at all.
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And I had just used that as like this shield I held in front of me to keep plowing through life the shitty way I was.
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And so when I dropped all of that, I was left to pick up the pieces, which was everything I had become, essentially.
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And then I needed to unwind all of that and rebuild it.
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So that's really I have no idea where that impulse started, that that thought, but this is what I've been working on this week.
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And in talking with one of my old counselors, uh, you know, there's a thing that I like to do that I'm gonna do a lot on this show.
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Um, but it's I like comparing seemingly like synonymous words, but showing the differences between them.
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Uh, for me, like when I was much younger, I got really into NLP, which is neurolinguistic programming.
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I think that was like a hot topic in understanding like federal interrogations and like CIA stuff and propaganda manipulation, things like that.
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But I really got into it uh as an investigation to how I use words to speak to myself.
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And then it led me down a road of like wanting to expand my vocabulary and have such a firm grasp on the English language for two specific reasons.
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This was my goal at the time.
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One was there is no other way in which I knew how to convey my experience to the world than to talk about it.
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And then for me, it was telling stories.
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And I think especially important to me was like my ability to verbalize my experience became abundantly clear to me when I was traumatized at a young age when I didn't have the language and nobody would listen to me.
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And it was like, okay, well, one of the things I know is I have to have a better dialogue, an internal dialogue, lexicon, and then a way to paint a picture verbally for whoever's listening to me.
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And then the way I found that really enraps people is to tell stories.
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It needs an arc, it needs a hero, it needs a villain, something that like pulls a person in.
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And so that really became um, you know, kind of the overarching idea, but but at the base of that was like, well, I should expand my vocabulary and then understand the impact that vocabulary has on my worldview, or potentially on the worldview of people that I'm speaking with.
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So I got really into recently like uncovering synonymous words and then finding the differences in them.
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So things like hope versus faith, or excitement versus enthusiasm.
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And I'll get into this much later.
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And I would what I would like to do in a lot of these episodes is just sort of have a segment where it's like, all right, this week we're gonna have these two seemingly similar synonymous words that we say in place of each other, but they actually mean dramatically different things.
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And it's important that when we say these things to ourselves, they land in the the way in which they were intended.
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So I guess in like a cursory way, and I'm only thinking back because I was I I came up with the excitement versus enthusiasm one like months and months ago.
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But the best way, like I was thinking about it, is I'm excited for a concert, I'm enthusiastic to participate in it, or something.
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Or it's like excitement to me always felt like something was going to happen to me or for me or around me, but enthusiasm was something that I was involved in.
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And if I could be so bold as to just pull that up right now, we'll do like the Google AI version of this enthusiasm versus excitement.
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But the reason that I make a point of this is that when you're speaking to yourself or trying to convey that which you feel, I think it's important to be like, okay, the difference between like say I'm enthusiastic about doing this certain thing versus I'm excited.
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Well, the way in which those two things land within you depends completely on your understanding of those words.
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Because I could just say I'm happy about that.
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And I think that that's why everybody now, that word has been diluted to mean everything.
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It's kind of like fuck, you know, like you can just put fuck in the middle of anything and it just means everything.
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That's kind of what happy means where everybody's like, I want to be happy.
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And it's like, well, what happy means everything.
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We need to really define either happy or what you're putting happy in place of.
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That's really what you're going for.
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And so this is uh the exercise that I use in order to have a better grasp on knowing what I want so that I can externally either ask for it or define it, or internally understand the way that I'm actually feeling.
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So, excitement is a quick burst of energy from an outside event.
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Enthusiasm is a steady inner drive that keeps you going over time.
00:23:54.319 --> 00:23:55.519
Well, see, look at that.
00:23:55.599 --> 00:23:56.799
I'm just as good as AI.
00:23:56.880 --> 00:23:57.759
You don't need that shit.
00:23:57.920 --> 00:23:58.880
Just ask me.
00:23:59.119 --> 00:24:01.920
So there's the difference between those two.
00:24:02.240 --> 00:24:19.759
But you can see how having a firmer grasp on both of those and spending some time with each one of those words to understand that like when you feel that well-up of emotion like compelling you, or or you know, that tingly effervescent feeling that you feel, it's like, is this excitement or enthusiasm?
00:24:19.920 --> 00:24:27.440
Like to me, anyway, it really helps to know to be able to put a proper word with that, because then I can expand on it.
00:24:28.160 --> 00:24:31.359
So, why am I going into this?
00:24:31.519 --> 00:24:39.839
Well, when I was talking to my counselor, she brought up um how she was working with shame versus conviction.
00:24:40.240 --> 00:24:53.200
And so, you know, those are two seemingly, to me, at least at the time, when it first came across my bow, unrelated words or ideas, shame and conviction.
00:24:53.519 --> 00:25:06.079
And I thought about it, it's like shame to me is like that embarrassment that like I have a set of principles and I went against it, and now it's being publicly shown that I'm a fraud, perhaps, something to that effect.
00:25:06.240 --> 00:25:15.200
Uh, I haven't worked on how I really define that to myself, but I'm just giving you the idea of like when I was initially presented with these two words, what that meant to me.
00:25:15.279 --> 00:25:22.880
And conviction would be I have a very clear vision of the way I want to head.
00:25:23.119 --> 00:25:28.319
And I am my feet are firmly planted in that direction, and I will do whatever it takes to get there.
00:25:28.559 --> 00:25:38.480
So, with those two things, I was like, that I don't see the relationship, but I liked the exercise of trying to pull those two things together and seeing where they could fit in.
00:25:39.440 --> 00:25:45.680
So I I meditated on that for a while.
00:25:46.000 --> 00:25:56.960
And what I came to understand is like, as I stand at there, was I was I'm still reading this book, Zanoni, by Edward Bower Lytton.
00:25:57.279 --> 00:25:58.960
Lighton Lytton.
00:25:59.519 --> 00:26:06.559
Either way, it's a gothic romance about mysticism and the occult and all this other stuff.
00:26:06.720 --> 00:26:20.400
It's really it's interesting, but it's flowery language, it's hard to like really get into because with the with the poetic flowery languages book to me, anyway, I get so lost in the imagery and all this stuff, and I'm just like, stick to the story, man.
00:26:20.480 --> 00:26:21.279
Let's just plow through.
00:26:21.440 --> 00:26:23.519
Like, I want suspense, I want excitement.
00:26:23.680 --> 00:26:26.559
I don't I don't need to know how pretty the water is.
00:26:27.119 --> 00:26:39.680
At any rate, this line in here somehow spurned on in me uh something that helped me connect these two, shame and conviction.
00:26:40.319 --> 00:26:48.960
And the line goes this like those who deceive, he was ever fearful of being himself the dupe.
00:26:50.480 --> 00:26:58.240
And I sat on there and I thought about that, and I thought about the way that that applied to me, especially in addiction.
00:26:59.440 --> 00:27:21.039
And this all this work I had done on refining my internal dialogue and having like a better vocabulary, not only to describe to myself the world that I'm in, but also to better paint a picture for others around me of like what I want, what I need.
00:27:21.279 --> 00:27:27.839
How can we work together in communion to live together and make a good life?
00:27:29.759 --> 00:27:46.720
The problem with all of that work, ultimately, once I was in the throes of my addiction, is that I was not just the deceiver, I was the one being duped all unto myself.
00:27:46.960 --> 00:28:04.240
This cyclical nature of I was deceiving myself while simultaneously knowing I was and feeling both empowered by my deception and my ability to deceive myself, but also completely vulnerable and victimized, like I'm the dupe.
00:28:04.640 --> 00:28:16.640
And so now I had this really formidable arsenal to work with for and against myself simultaneously.
00:28:16.799 --> 00:28:23.759
And then in discovering that, it ripped apart my self-confidence and my internal dialogue.
00:28:24.880 --> 00:28:45.519
So I found myself like standing at the crossroads throughout picking up the pieces, you know, once I had decided to really get sober for real, and I was going to just face all of this stuff I had been uh neglecting, but also I was going, it's not just about like overcoming the trauma, it's about writing a new narrative.
00:28:45.920 --> 00:28:53.920
And so I had to then dig in and start reworking everything because I had to just fix all the stuff before I could even use it again.
00:28:54.160 --> 00:29:08.160
The one of which being just my intellect, internal dialogue, my sense of right and wrong, the internal compass, my moral code, everything had been, you know, I liken it to a jumble of like electrical wires.
00:29:08.319 --> 00:29:19.519
If you ever come across just like a mess of a bunch of different wires and this bird's nest of shit, and it's like, well, before you can organize all that stuff, you have to untangle them.
00:29:19.680 --> 00:29:24.400
And I kept finding myself, like as soon as I would start to untangle them, like, this is pointless, this is worthless.
00:29:24.559 --> 00:29:27.839
How do I even like they're all different colors and shapes and sizes?
00:29:28.079 --> 00:29:28.960
Fuck all this.
00:29:29.039 --> 00:29:30.559
I'm not dealing with it.
00:29:30.880 --> 00:29:37.279
And I'm still in the midst of the untangling, unentanglement, whatever that is.
00:29:37.359 --> 00:29:38.640
Like, I'm straightening out.
00:29:38.720 --> 00:29:49.039
I'm separating all of these very disparate and different chords, which I'm metaphorically referring to, my maladaptive behaviors and character flaws.
00:29:49.279 --> 00:29:55.759
But I'm separating all this stuff out currently before I can even start to organize it and then work on it.
00:29:56.079 --> 00:30:06.559
So as I've been doing that, I'm standing at the crossroads of understanding that unto myself, I am both the deceiver and the dupe.
00:30:07.279 --> 00:30:22.319
Uh and it was just like I understood that my efforts going forward before I even dealt with all of this other exercise, you know, uh internal dialogue refinement and all this these intellectual pursuits.
00:30:22.720 --> 00:30:30.240
It was that I had to re-establish confidence in my own internal dialogue.
00:30:32.240 --> 00:30:42.880
And so in discovering this, it was like I did have to go back and go, alcohol provided me some good.
00:30:43.519 --> 00:31:01.680
And I think this is where I've never formally like done shadow work, but I assume it's some level of this where it's like, hey, I can look at bad stuff and realize that like the utility in it, and also that like I'm good at heart, but there are bad sides of me that it's like if I repress them, it makes it worse.
00:31:01.839 --> 00:31:09.279
If I just go, oh yeah, all right, there's some evil shit in me, like just kind of shed some light on it and it dissipates.
00:31:09.920 --> 00:31:21.920
That that's kind of what I came to when I realized that um in my past, alcohol provided me like a coping mechanism when I needed it.
00:31:22.000 --> 00:31:38.720
And I don't look back on my alcoholism with like disdain, but a recognition that given the overwhelming nature of what I was dealing with and my limited capacity to handle it any better, alcohol served its purpose to prop me up when I couldn't do it myself.
00:31:40.240 --> 00:31:51.359
Uh and my only wish for that younger version of me was that I would have been more willing to deal with those hardships as they came.
00:31:51.920 --> 00:31:54.880
But again, I was ill-equipped and overwhelmed.
00:31:55.759 --> 00:32:02.319
So, what can I take from the grace for the younger version of myself that like I'm exhibiting in these moments?
00:32:04.400 --> 00:32:13.680
Uh well, the simple fact, and this is where I like I came to, okay, the younger version of me just couldn't deal with it at the time.
00:32:13.759 --> 00:32:17.920
I wish I if I could take it back, I wish I would have just dealt with things as they came.
00:32:18.400 --> 00:32:26.079
But like the fact that I'm now addressing it, I can look at it as not like that time was wasted.
00:32:26.160 --> 00:32:27.839
It was just deferred.
00:32:28.079 --> 00:32:35.920
Now, if I never would have addressed it, then the problem persists and I never get this perspective.
00:32:36.160 --> 00:32:42.799
But the fact that I am addressing it now, I can look back and go, I don't have any shame towards that anymore.
00:32:43.359 --> 00:32:46.000
Because I didn't know any better.
00:32:46.240 --> 00:32:51.440
I did leave a wake of destruction, and for that, I am making amends.
00:32:51.599 --> 00:32:54.960
I am sort of paying my debt to that.
00:32:55.519 --> 00:33:20.000
But as far as the view of myself that I have, in recognizing and giving that version of me grace, it's like it wasn't until I worked on it and got to this point that I would ever be able to fully appreciate, understand, and look with clear eyes at that situation to say, oh, there's not shame wrapped up in that, there's just clarity now and understanding that I was doing something wrong.
00:33:20.720 --> 00:33:26.480
I think the shame comes when you're actively living against yourself and just denying that fact.
00:33:26.640 --> 00:33:47.680
But when you're living for yourself and go back and look upon things that you've done that were clearly wrong or reprehensible, or it's just like once you break through, I guess, that shame and just go, I was operating out of a place of hurt or of brokenness, or I was doing the best I could at the time.
00:33:48.079 --> 00:33:48.799
I don't know.
00:33:48.960 --> 00:33:51.440
Like you will get the clarity you need as you address it.
00:33:51.519 --> 00:33:58.319
And for me, anyway, it was just like, yeah, I didn't have the capacity to deal with it.
00:33:58.480 --> 00:33:59.759
And so I kept putting it off.
00:33:59.839 --> 00:34:13.199
And in putting it off and it being so hard to deal with, I then dove further and further into the things that blotted out the feeling of whatever bad feeling I had for not dealing with it.
00:34:13.280 --> 00:34:21.280
And it was just like this circle down and that feedback loop of just constantly following my tail all the way down into the depths of hell.
00:34:21.519 --> 00:34:33.199
So, anyway, um, the fact that I am now dealing with it, this all comes back to shame and and conviction, by the way.
00:34:34.079 --> 00:34:40.000
The fact that I'm now dealing with it dissolves any shame associated with that time.
00:34:40.559 --> 00:34:52.800
And that's the point I keep trying to like push forward is that when I look back, that shame dissolves, and what's left after that shame dissolves informs my conviction now.
00:34:53.920 --> 00:35:24.320
And so when I really sat with it and thought about it, I was like, wow, while these two words aren't necessarily related in like a vocab or grammatical sense, they're related in the experience of life sense, and that shame in a lot of ways is so emotionally energized that it can blot out the feeling of much quieter or still type of emotions.
00:35:24.480 --> 00:35:28.800
And conviction being one of them, it's a powerful emotion, but it's not noisy.
00:35:29.039 --> 00:35:41.039
And when there's another one whose frequency is just covering everything else up in the bandwidth, it's like, yeah, I wasn't able to focus on like where I wanted to go until I overcame that shame.
00:35:41.360 --> 00:35:57.440
So I thought that was really interesting to present it that way, of even taking like unrelated words, seemingly, and seeing how much they do relate to each other, or can inform a shared experience of like progress.
00:35:59.280 --> 00:36:11.440
So um, in doing that, I came up with a sort of another metaphor, and this is about casting light uh on the darkness.
00:36:12.480 --> 00:36:18.480
It's isn't it amazing how the casting of light can change a horror into a comedy?
00:36:19.039 --> 00:36:33.039
In the literal sense, something barely lit and at a precise angle can look like the most ominous of monsters, but revealed after being fully lit is nothing more than a blanket on a chair.
00:36:33.519 --> 00:36:42.400
So too, we hide our thoughts and impulses inside the shadows of ourselves that we are either too afraid or too ignorant to illuminate.
00:36:42.639 --> 00:36:49.280
Ask yourself then if the salve to your wretched afflictions is a matter of courage or negligence.
00:36:49.920 --> 00:36:57.760
Do the actions needed to shine a light have to be acted upon or discovered yet?
00:36:59.679 --> 00:37:06.719
Okay, so I hate trying like this is I write this stuff down and then I read it, and it sounds so inorganic.
00:37:06.880 --> 00:37:11.039
So uh bullet points for the future, Michael.
00:37:11.360 --> 00:37:21.599
At any rate, this is this is a I don't know, I think it's a good topic to focus on, and it's one that's gonna help me structure these episodes a little better as I fumble my way through.
00:37:23.360 --> 00:37:26.960
But again, as you can see, I'm I I like to use the backdrop of addiction.
00:37:27.039 --> 00:37:36.639
One, because in a lot of ways it's hard when you're in active addiction to see any way out to get any sort of clarity.
00:37:37.039 --> 00:37:53.599
And to use the metaphor of light, sometimes that's the best time to inject the smallest bit of positivity or light, because a single beam of light is never more effective than it is in a completely darkened room.
00:37:53.920 --> 00:37:58.559
And it's amazing the amount of impact that singular bit can make.
00:37:59.519 --> 00:38:18.960
Uh and so that's why, and I'm I like it's a it's a delicate walk, uh tightrope walk to make to because I know some people who are like are in the throes of addiction and seem completely reprehensible in most cases.
00:38:19.119 --> 00:38:21.760
I'm not gonna say all, because it's like anything in life.
00:38:21.840 --> 00:38:26.320
There's psychopaths and narcissists and sociopaths and all kinds of shit out there.
00:38:26.400 --> 00:38:36.159
I can't account for everything, but I would say on the whole, most people who get into the throes of addiction, and I'm talking really bad, I'm ready to die for my addiction because I don't want to deal with this shit.
00:38:36.480 --> 00:38:53.199
Those people are running away from something, have something so incomprehensibly bad inside of their psyche that it's just like I would prefer to feel nothing and die than to feel whatever it is this is that I have to deal with in order to get past it.
00:38:53.920 --> 00:39:18.239
And in process of like the addiction will get worse as the affliction is neglected, and so they look like a worse person, but really it's just this one thing that if we could make a breakthrough or get through or start the process of addressing, it's like then these other things dissolve, much like shame.
00:39:18.320 --> 00:39:29.920
But it's like even if we can crack the door just a slight bit to let some light in and perhaps give them some perspective of their own inner workings, we can get through to these people.
00:39:30.000 --> 00:39:34.719
And that this is I don't sit here as some expert in long-term sobriety.
00:39:34.880 --> 00:39:42.800
I'm not even seven months sober yet, and I've been close to eight years now trying to get this to stick.
00:39:43.039 --> 00:39:52.880
I'm just talking about the stuff that's working for me right now, as I am longer sober than I have ever been since I was 12 years old.
00:39:56.880 --> 00:40:22.719
One of the ways, I'm not saying this is the final way, and I don't think there is any sort of standardized one way to treat addiction, but one of the ways to treat all of these maladies that are nebulous and multifaceted, is to empower the person that is afflicted, to show them that they have agency and power to do something about it.
00:40:23.199 --> 00:40:34.639
And that's what I really want to try to convey, if I could, from this you know, empowerment pulpit that I stand upon and I'm trying to build.
00:40:34.880 --> 00:40:43.840
But basically, one of the other arrows I'd like to put in the quiver of recovery is this idea of personal empowerment.
00:40:44.880 --> 00:40:58.320
Again, this is this is a tenuous tightrope to walk because you don't want to give too much agency to someone who has no self-control at the moment, but you also don't want to remove everything to make them feel helpless.
00:40:58.400 --> 00:41:07.280
And I think a fascinating new psychological phenomenon in the zeitgeist is learned helplessness.
00:41:07.840 --> 00:41:48.159
And I think it's now touching on just the general population, and you see the deleterious effects it has on just people, but do you add that to generally what an addict is going through on top of like the physical addictive properties, but then the psychological impact of like, yeah, you learn helplessness, not just that like the people around you are giving up on you, or your family, or it seems that way, even though they might not be, or you're giving up on yourself, but like you've also become completely helpless to a substance that has replaced everything.
00:41:48.480 --> 00:42:10.239
And so to sift through all of that is really difficult, and then to be able to play both sides of like this empowerment angle, I'm just trying to be somewhat positive and optimistic in that like it is worth it on the other end, not because you feel good, not because there's some big party or ticker tape parade or anything.
00:42:10.480 --> 00:42:17.519
What awaits you on the other side of all of that misery is still more hardship.
00:42:17.760 --> 00:42:32.000
It's just hardship with clarity, hardship with a firm understanding of who you are, so that you aren't cast about by the winds of change with no idea where you're going and no ability to maneuver yourself within those winds.
00:42:32.320 --> 00:42:35.440
That really to me is the most empowering thing I can say.
00:42:35.599 --> 00:43:11.360
And once you've you've lived through a life of such despair, the realms of experience that you've touched by the time that you pulled yourself out can be so well understood and communicated to others that you have a power of connection with people, especially in suffering, that it's hard to like quantify, except when you're in a moment with another person that only that recognition of where they're at and their knowing that you've been there too connects you in a way that there is no other currency for.
00:43:11.519 --> 00:43:18.639
There's no, and that's why it's not flowery or something that you can monetize or market.
00:43:19.280 --> 00:43:21.360
It's it's not surface.
00:43:21.760 --> 00:43:31.679
You you can't create an ad that says it's worth it to have suffered so bad you want to die, and then be able to help somebody who is in the same position later once you're better.
00:43:32.079 --> 00:43:41.360
Not real sexy, but unbelievably profound to be able to do that with the life that you've lived.
00:43:41.519 --> 00:43:48.639
What a gift to have a life, not only that you've lived that has that experience, but then be able to share that with others.
00:43:48.960 --> 00:43:59.599
All that came back around at the end of my reading today, and in writing this stuff down, where I generally in the mornings I get up as early as possible.
00:44:00.480 --> 00:44:02.880
I'm not turning this into grind culture, by the way.
00:44:02.960 --> 00:44:04.239
So let's not go there.
00:44:04.400 --> 00:44:05.920
I think that's fucking ridiculous.
00:44:06.159 --> 00:44:14.239
But I just have children, and I've come to find that early, early morning is the only time I have any sanity.
00:44:14.400 --> 00:44:16.639
So it's best to get my work done then.
00:44:18.880 --> 00:44:21.920
But I read these devotional books before I meditate.
00:44:22.159 --> 00:44:24.880
And one of them is called The Book of Awakening.
00:44:25.599 --> 00:44:33.360
And I don't have the passage in front of me, but it's essentially how the wounded find their way.
00:44:35.280 --> 00:44:53.119
And it's talking about how, you know, there's a big jagged rock in the middle of this um relentless ocean, just pounding the rock, these waves, these torrents, just ripping through.
00:44:53.199 --> 00:45:00.079
And on that rock are all of these exhausted and worn-out animals.
00:45:00.159 --> 00:45:11.519
And he goes through and lists all these ones that would seemingly be um, you know, predator prey, enemies, they wouldn't coexist in any other's realm.
00:45:12.159 --> 00:45:24.719
Uh, but yet they crawl upon each other, their breathing helpless to do anything else except just get out of the chaos.
00:45:25.920 --> 00:45:40.000
And as they lay there next to each other, on top of each other, around each other, animals that would otherwise be eating each other or fighting or anything, in their exhaustion, the only thing they could do is be with each other.
00:45:41.760 --> 00:45:58.079
And the parallel drawn in this is that for those of us who have suffered, who have hauled ourselves into the sun out of that torment, anything exhausted beside us is family.
00:46:00.400 --> 00:46:29.199
And I think it's really important to note that if you've ever been in a scenario where you are so exhausted, you are so you're you're hanging on by the thinnest of threads, and you notice around you others who are in that exact same situation, who have been fighting and clawing and doing everything they can and are at their last bit of energy, the their wit's end, whatever it be.
00:46:29.519 --> 00:46:37.760
And you're both stuck there, drying out, doing anything you can to just recuperate.
00:46:39.199 --> 00:46:55.360
The shared bond and just that recognition of mutual suffering brings people together at such an elemental level that it cannot be described except to say that it must be experienced.
00:46:55.760 --> 00:47:26.559
And in light of that, that is what informs me going forward in my conviction to keep doing this so that I can hopefully use all of the places I've gone and the tools that I am now musing, discovering, and sharpening to get out, but not only get out, get better, rewrite, and help others to pass along.
00:47:26.800 --> 00:47:30.159
And ultimately, none of this has to do with me.
00:47:30.320 --> 00:47:32.239
I'm just figuring this stuff out.
00:47:32.480 --> 00:47:35.679
I don't own a patent on self-discovery.
00:47:36.000 --> 00:47:40.800
I just own the patent on my own, and I like to pass it along.
00:47:41.039 --> 00:47:44.800
So hopefully that wasn't too rambling and the audio isn't shit this week.
00:47:44.960 --> 00:47:54.159
Uh, I will do my best next week, hopefully, to uh figure out anything that might have been fucky during this one.
00:47:54.480 --> 00:47:57.519
Tighten that up, and uh we'll be back for more.
00:47:57.679 --> 00:47:58.800
So until then.
00:00:00.640 --> 00:00:11.199
Bam, another good episode in the ongoing saga that is learning how to audio engineer on top of doing the rest of this podcast.
00:00:11.519 --> 00:00:26.399
But today, on dry run number six, numero six, we are gonna figure out why my breathing is clipping.
00:00:26.559 --> 00:00:30.399
Because on the last episode that I did, everything was clipping.
00:00:30.800 --> 00:00:36.240
And so as I get to the end of these full-length episodes and go, wow, what genius that just was.
00:00:36.880 --> 00:00:40.320
I then have to go back and go, oh shit, it all sounds like shit.
00:00:40.640 --> 00:00:42.000
Can't put that out yet.
00:00:42.159 --> 00:00:45.039
So away we go with more practice.
00:00:46.159 --> 00:00:51.600
And if by some miracle this turns out good, then maybe we'll put it out one day.
00:00:53.600 --> 00:01:00.640
Also, to forewarn everyone, I am drinking Diet Coke today, which is it makes me unbelievably gassy.
00:01:00.880 --> 00:01:05.200
So I'll do my best not to let out the loudest burps into this microphone.
00:01:05.760 --> 00:01:12.799
But with all of that wonderful preamble out of the way, what in the world have we been working on this week?
00:01:13.120 --> 00:01:22.719
Well, as I settle into this house, I now am getting a grasp on things, and my god, how good it feels.
00:01:22.799 --> 00:01:42.719
And it is uh really nice and interesting to go through something so turbulent as getting out of sober living, immediately moving, and then getting settled to kind of and then doing this alongside all of that to be able to evaluate and speak to these things as they're coming about.
00:01:42.879 --> 00:02:06.159
Now, most of these things I've been speaking into the void and then deleting because it's just a dry run with shit audio, but it still cements in my mind these things that I'm going through of like how big of a difference it makes, even just to evaluate a bad time as you go through it, or a trying time, difficult time.
00:02:06.239 --> 00:02:16.159
It doesn't have to necessarily be bad, but in this case, it was it was just draining, difficult, uh, a lack of structure, no routine.
00:02:16.560 --> 00:02:21.840
It really felt like I was I was clawing for anything that would give some sense of normalcy to my life, and there was nothing.
00:02:21.919 --> 00:02:33.439
Every time I reached my hand out, the hand that I assumed would grab me back and comfort me would drift away, and then I'd go, okay, it's all on me, and I'm a horrible I don't know.
00:02:33.599 --> 00:02:41.280
Uh at this present moment, I'm not the best person to be offering myself comfort.
00:02:41.520 --> 00:02:46.000
In fact, I'm the one that often disturbs myself the most.
00:02:46.319 --> 00:02:52.639
So uh just being able to mentally jot that down.
00:02:52.800 --> 00:02:55.919
And I think that that's something that I could pass along.
00:02:56.960 --> 00:03:16.879
This will be an ongoing theme, an ongoing message that I'm gonna put forth no matter what, because uh as I evolve, I assume you know, I've really come to find that personal development is so mood-dependent that when I'm feeling really good, all these insights seem to make sense.
00:03:16.960 --> 00:03:26.080
And then when I'm feeling really bad, I just don't want to engage in anything to do with like making myself better.
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I have this tendency to wallow.
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I also have a tendency to make it worse.
00:03:30.560 --> 00:03:42.960
So, whatever is presented in front of me, no matter how difficult or not, if my perception is that it is difficult in some way, shape, or form, I'm going to internally make it worse.
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I'm going to turn it into a, you know, the mountains into molehill, molehills into mountains, whatever the fuck, that metaphor.
00:03:51.199 --> 00:03:55.120
So I'm gonna turn, I'm gonna make mountains out of molehills.
00:03:55.199 --> 00:03:55.919
There we go.
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My brain is coming online.
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And so in in doing that, um I've come to find that like getting away from this idea of self-improvement or that qualifying it in some way as like this is good, this is bad, has helped me ultimately come to this conclusion that the way through most things in life for me is curiosity.
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And especially in times of like high stress or when I'm feeling especially demoralized or depressed or down or hopeless.
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Again, these are all sort of feelings and mental constructs more than reality.
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And it's important to know that so that in the midst of it, I can separate just enough.
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Just enough to go, okay, I know this isn't me, but it is what I'm in.
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And I can't seem to find a way out.
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I hope through more work on myself, I can strengthen whatever muscle it is inside of me that can sort of steer me out of these things when I get in there.
00:05:06.879 --> 00:05:17.759
But for now, I don't have I'm ill-equipped, I don't have whatever attributes or characteristics or equipment I need to get out of this.
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So I gotta sit in it.
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Now, in comes the wonderful phrase, the only way out is through.
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And that is true.
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But I I sometimes would like to go through a little faster.
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I think as working on all this stuff, it just allows me to press the gas pedal a little harder to get through something bad.
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But, you know, it takes what it takes, it takes as long as it takes to get through.
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The thing that I must do is endure, because to avoid would be to lead me back to the maladaptive behaviors that I had before, the bad coping strategies that led me into alcoholism or self-destruction or yearning for oblivion.
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And so the best way I found to endure, at least for now, since I don't have a lot of good coping skills to get out of these feelings or emotions, I don't have enough time, um, not just in sobriety, but time in dealing with these bad feelings by just staying in them.
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My aversion to them in the past was what would lead me to drink, or to just like anything is a distraction.
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Uh, I think when things are too overwhelming and you just need time to get some separation, like a distraction is not bad, like watching movies, sitting on your phone, doing whatever it takes to just like allow the emotional energy to dissipate.
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But in this case, we're trying to talk about bad emotions in a somewhat ideal environment where you have the space to just assess.
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And in that instance, I find curiosity to be the best thing to help get through these times.
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And it's what I've been using as I've lost routine, had a lot of stress of at the end of the day, like the thing in front of me was never all that stressful.
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But my tendency to use to compile everything I have to do in one basket, and while I'm only doing one thing, carrying that basket alongside and always checking, oh my god, I gotta do all this other shit alongside the thing I'm currently doing, when I could just put that basket down, focus on what I'm doing, and then go over to that basket later and pull another thing out, just kind of one by one, eat the elephant one bite at a time.
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But I don't do that now, anyway.
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Hopefully I can develop some level of doing that.
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Um, but therein lies um the current solution to my problem is that uh in the midst of all this and losing a routine, I just I just kept going, all right, if I can't feel better, and this is another thing where we'll get into emotion here in a minute, but if I can't feel better and I can't find a way to do anything about this immediately, because my old coping mechanism would be to immediately check out or reach for the closest thing to cover this up, distract, or blot it out completely, uh, I gotta sit in it.
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Uh I guess I could just sit here and be miserable, or I could sit here and be miserable and curious.
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What does that look like?
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For me, it was just questioning a lot of it was where is this coming from?
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Because as Shakespeare said, there is nothing neither good or bad, but thinking makes it so.
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Uh, a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.
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It's the idea that we are labeling the reality as we take it in and then qualifying it.
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And so when I came to the recognition that most of my misery was being caused by my assessment of my situation, it caused me to become curious as when I'm in the midst of something that's causing me strife.
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I go, where is this coming from?
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That was one of the better first questions I would ask in those instances.
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And as that sort of unfolded and I I walked through it, it was then all right.
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I can kind of see where like the work, the inner workings of of where this came from, the history of this feeling isn't just in this moment.
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It's it's a conditioned response I have from something in the past.
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Or I can and so you can see there, all of a sudden now I'm I'm sort of following a different thread.
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And it takes me out of my misery a little bit and helps me discover certain things.
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Uh what am I feeling now?
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That that kind of gives me a little bit more agency over the situation I'm in.
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Like, so now I'm discovering sort of where it's coming from, the spring from which the misery sprouts.
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And I go, okay, I found the spring, I'm not gonna really do much with that right now.
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Uh, but now I got all this water, the emotional water that has sprung from it.
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And that gives me more of an action plan.
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And so, in the curiosity in that point, I go, okay, now I can deal with this.
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And then going forward, if I choose to think about the future, which oftentimes I hate because that that's really where um the sea of unknown variables that I try to swim within just overwhelms me completely.
00:10:21.360 --> 00:10:26.879
But I can sort of say, all right, if I'm willing to deal with some of this now, though, it does make it easier down the line.
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That comes from my understanding that in not dealing with things in my past, much like a crimped hose, eventually that has to uncrimp.
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And all of that backed up pressure is going to release.
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And the longer I hold it, the more backed up that pressure gets.
00:10:42.960 --> 00:10:52.639
So to relieve that pressure valve in time, usually at the time that things come up, is a much more healthy, I think, way to do it.
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But if, like me, at certain times in your life you were either ill-equipped or too overwhelmed, or both, or any other attribute you'd like uh to prescribe to that situation, sometimes it's best to just crimp that hose and and wait until you have the capacity to deal with it.
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My problem came when I kept that hose crimped because I just never wanted to deal with anything again.
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And anytime anything bad came up, I just said too uncomfortable, too uncomfortable.
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To the point where I knew that when I uncrimped that hose, the amount of shit I was gonna have to deal with, I didn't want to.
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So I just kept kicking the can down the road.
00:11:34.639 --> 00:11:52.399
And I remember in the midst of my alcoholism talking to a therapist and basically saying, like, I've been uh the best version of myself at some point in my life, and I know what it took to get there, and I know what it's gonna take to get from where I'm at now back to that, and that's not even the stopping point.
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If I'm gonna keep living, I'm gonna keep trying.
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But knowing all that, I know the amount of work it's gonna take to get there, and I just don't want to fucking do it.
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And so I kept the hose crimped, and I kept it crimped, and I kept it crimped, and the pressure kept backing up, and then it started spurting out of the hose all over the place and just fucking up every other area of my life to the point where I did just have to let it go and deal with it, and I did, and it was amazing that it it while that uh pressure is uh daunting to say the least to deal with, it dissipates faster than you would expect.
00:12:33.759 --> 00:12:48.559
Uh the fallout tends to not be anything that you were worried about within you know that was backed up, more than just you and how you're gonna then learn to cope as things uh when they come to you.
00:12:49.200 --> 00:12:55.600
Let me see if I can figure out a way to lay this out smoothly because it's so jagged in my mind.
00:12:56.559 --> 00:13:10.559
But it's essentially this when I think back on certain traumas or things in my life that I used as a label to define the way I was behaving in the present.
00:13:10.720 --> 00:13:16.320
Say it's a childhood trauma, say something from your parents or friends or an enemy.
00:13:16.559 --> 00:13:17.919
I mean, pick anything.
00:13:18.080 --> 00:13:22.320
We all have childhood trauma, uh, to one degree or another.
00:13:22.720 --> 00:13:31.600
Some much, I guess, uh worse than others on like a spectrum, but your trauma is relative to you.
00:13:31.919 --> 00:13:36.000
So somebody gets beaten as a kid or somebody gets told they're worth nothing as a kid.
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I mean, the severity seems different, but to each of those people, that's the worst thing that ever could have happened to them.
00:13:41.679 --> 00:13:44.000
So it in that respect, I mean it's relative.
00:13:44.159 --> 00:13:54.320
And that's an important thing to keep in mind when you're dealing with people, is that like uh as a healthcare provider, we always said on the pain scale, uh pain is relative.
00:13:54.480 --> 00:14:07.039
So if they're saying it's a 10 out of 10, even though they're sitting there talking to you, and they're not like screaming like you're actively cutting their leg off with a dull rusty saw, then it's still a 10 out of 10.
00:14:07.519 --> 00:14:11.600
Now, in that instance, it's hard to believe that.
00:14:11.840 --> 00:14:15.759
However, uh, that's just the way you approach it.
00:14:15.840 --> 00:14:21.120
And I think it helps to take that same mentality when people are saying this is disturbing me.
00:14:21.440 --> 00:14:37.519
Uh and so, given that and doing your own internal investigation, the label that I was attaching to certain things in my past, where when I would bring up in my memory, okay, this horrible thing happened and that's why I'm doing this, because I don't want to deal with that anymore.
00:14:37.759 --> 00:14:52.159
When I really went back and did sort of like regressive memory type of work to those instances, what I found as a 40-year-old man dealing with the 10-year-old version of me is that the particular instance didn't bother me much anymore.
00:14:52.399 --> 00:14:58.000
I almost laughed at it, like, really, that's that can't be why I'm so fucked up now.
00:14:58.559 --> 00:15:17.600
And so what I came to find was that my initial, like being a younger person too, going back to this idea of being ill-equipped, is like we aren't mentally there enough or mature enough to be able to see all sides of what's going on.
00:15:17.919 --> 00:15:36.080
And so in my case, I made the best I could have the best sense of the world that I was thrust into at the time, but that informed a lot of the conditioning and the ways in which I then grew into my reality as it unfolded in front of me.
00:15:36.399 --> 00:15:46.559
So the adaptations I made, having been traumatized at a young age, were by definition maladapted because I didn't have the maturity to understand what was going on.
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So I could only do what I could do.
00:15:48.799 --> 00:16:00.320
But what happened as a result of that is that each maladaptive behavior then led to another one as I did progress or mature when I had more options.
00:16:00.559 --> 00:16:14.080
But since the initial impulse from that trauma was leading me in a bad direction, each then what I considered mature adaptation was taking on the water of the bad adaptations before it.
00:16:14.320 --> 00:16:20.639
I didn't have the proper schematics to work with to say, like, oh, I'm way off course.
00:16:20.799 --> 00:16:24.000
It was just I was still going forward, and that was good enough for me.
00:16:24.240 --> 00:16:41.039
So when I kept investigating this of like using my past as sort of an excuse to, well, not as sort of, as a complete excuse for my current behaviors, I was neglecting all the conditioning that I had done to myself over the years.
00:16:41.519 --> 00:16:53.200
Uh and we'll get into like shame and fault and all of that, but like all of that conditioning, I was I was just looking at the start and the finish and kind of missing the whole middle ground.
00:16:54.159 --> 00:17:32.960
And as I did more of that sort of work, it led me to understand that like I was only remembering the this thing that I was remembering, this particular instance had become the coverall for every behavior afterwards, and all that conditioning that I had to do, which like when I got sober and when I started working on this, is this is where I'm saying when you when I undid the the hose, and then that instance came through that I didn't want to deal with and laid at my feet, I went, Oh, that wasn't that big of a deal.
00:17:33.119 --> 00:17:34.960
Oh shit, now what's the problem?
00:17:35.200 --> 00:17:37.599
The problem was that middle ground that I had avoided.
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All the conditioning, all of the bad coping mechanisms, all of the maladaptive behaviors that I had learned and taught myself, and then become accustomed to to deal with life, I came to realize all of that shit was non-productive and was ultimately killing me.
00:17:56.400 --> 00:17:58.559
And then I had to rework everything.
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My own internal schematics from how I interface with the world had to be reworked completely.
00:18:04.240 --> 00:18:08.000
So my fear initially was what all the stuff I was holding back.
00:18:08.079 --> 00:18:14.240
But what I came to find once I dealt with that, or at least confronted it, I didn't even need to deal with it because I was so far beyond it.
00:18:14.480 --> 00:18:22.480
But just recognize and go, oh, because there's some things that happen, especially when you're a child, that you can look back on and go, there's not really much to therapise here.
00:18:22.720 --> 00:18:24.240
It's just like there's bad people.
00:18:24.400 --> 00:18:25.119
They did a bad thing.
00:18:25.200 --> 00:18:26.880
I can't fucking do anything about it.
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The only thing I can do is change the way I've reacted to it over time, how I've distrusted people, not allowed myself to get into relationships or or formed really bad attachments to things.
00:18:40.319 --> 00:18:43.039
All of that is a result of that instance.
00:18:43.200 --> 00:18:46.559
But when I thought about it, I was like, that instance is the reason.
00:18:46.799 --> 00:18:48.720
That thing that happened is the reason.
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And then when I confronted it, I realized that wasn't it at all.
00:18:52.799 --> 00:18:59.119
And I had just used that as like this shield I held in front of me to keep plowing through life the shitty way I was.
00:18:59.359 --> 00:19:06.079
And so when I dropped all of that, I was left to pick up the pieces, which was everything I had become, essentially.
00:19:06.160 --> 00:19:09.119
And then I needed to unwind all of that and rebuild it.
00:19:09.440 --> 00:19:17.759
So that's really I have no idea where that impulse started, that that thought, but this is what I've been working on this week.
00:19:18.079 --> 00:19:29.039
And in talking with one of my old counselors, uh, you know, there's a thing that I like to do that I'm gonna do a lot on this show.
00:19:29.279 --> 00:19:39.519
Um, but it's I like comparing seemingly like synonymous words, but showing the differences between them.
00:19:39.680 --> 00:19:45.440
Uh, for me, like when I was much younger, I got really into NLP, which is neurolinguistic programming.
00:19:45.599 --> 00:19:56.079
I think that was like a hot topic in understanding like federal interrogations and like CIA stuff and propaganda manipulation, things like that.
00:19:56.720 --> 00:20:03.519
But I really got into it uh as an investigation to how I use words to speak to myself.
00:20:03.839 --> 00:20:16.400
And then it led me down a road of like wanting to expand my vocabulary and have such a firm grasp on the English language for two specific reasons.
00:20:16.559 --> 00:20:17.920
This was my goal at the time.
00:20:18.079 --> 00:20:27.680
One was there is no other way in which I knew how to convey my experience to the world than to talk about it.
00:20:27.839 --> 00:20:30.319
And then for me, it was telling stories.
00:20:30.480 --> 00:20:42.319
And I think especially important to me was like my ability to verbalize my experience became abundantly clear to me when I was traumatized at a young age when I didn't have the language and nobody would listen to me.
00:20:42.400 --> 00:20:55.359
And it was like, okay, well, one of the things I know is I have to have a better dialogue, an internal dialogue, lexicon, and then a way to paint a picture verbally for whoever's listening to me.
00:20:55.519 --> 00:21:02.000
And then the way I found that really enraps people is to tell stories.
00:21:02.240 --> 00:21:06.960
It needs an arc, it needs a hero, it needs a villain, something that like pulls a person in.
00:21:07.039 --> 00:21:23.839
And so that really became um, you know, kind of the overarching idea, but but at the base of that was like, well, I should expand my vocabulary and then understand the impact that vocabulary has on my worldview, or potentially on the worldview of people that I'm speaking with.
00:21:24.079 --> 00:21:30.720
So I got really into recently like uncovering synonymous words and then finding the differences in them.
00:21:30.799 --> 00:21:35.680
So things like hope versus faith, or excitement versus enthusiasm.
00:21:35.839 --> 00:21:37.359
And I'll get into this much later.
00:21:37.440 --> 00:21:51.119
And I would what I would like to do in a lot of these episodes is just sort of have a segment where it's like, all right, this week we're gonna have these two seemingly similar synonymous words that we say in place of each other, but they actually mean dramatically different things.
00:21:51.359 --> 00:21:57.920
And it's important that when we say these things to ourselves, they land in the the way in which they were intended.
00:21:58.640 --> 00:22:10.160
So I guess in like a cursory way, and I'm only thinking back because I was I I came up with the excitement versus enthusiasm one like months and months ago.
00:22:10.640 --> 00:22:16.480
But the best way, like I was thinking about it, is I'm excited for a concert, I'm enthusiastic to participate in it, or something.
00:22:16.559 --> 00:22:25.440
Or it's like excitement to me always felt like something was going to happen to me or for me or around me, but enthusiasm was something that I was involved in.
00:22:25.680 --> 00:22:37.039
And if I could be so bold as to just pull that up right now, we'll do like the Google AI version of this enthusiasm versus excitement.
00:22:37.759 --> 00:23:00.559
But the reason that I make a point of this is that when you're speaking to yourself or trying to convey that which you feel, I think it's important to be like, okay, the difference between like say I'm enthusiastic about doing this certain thing versus I'm excited.
00:23:00.720 --> 00:23:06.880
Well, the way in which those two things land within you depends completely on your understanding of those words.
00:23:07.119 --> 00:23:09.359
Because I could just say I'm happy about that.
00:23:09.519 --> 00:23:15.039
And I think that that's why everybody now, that word has been diluted to mean everything.
00:23:15.200 --> 00:23:19.599
It's kind of like fuck, you know, like you can just put fuck in the middle of anything and it just means everything.
00:23:19.680 --> 00:23:21.839
That's kind of what happy means where everybody's like, I want to be happy.
00:23:21.920 --> 00:23:24.480
And it's like, well, what happy means everything.
00:23:24.720 --> 00:23:30.240
We need to really define either happy or what you're putting happy in place of.
00:23:30.720 --> 00:23:32.720
That's really what you're going for.
00:23:33.119 --> 00:23:46.000
And so this is uh the exercise that I use in order to have a better grasp on knowing what I want so that I can externally either ask for it or define it, or internally understand the way that I'm actually feeling.
00:23:46.319 --> 00:23:50.480
So, excitement is a quick burst of energy from an outside event.
00:23:50.720 --> 00:23:54.160
Enthusiasm is a steady inner drive that keeps you going over time.
00:23:54.319 --> 00:23:55.519
Well, see, look at that.
00:23:55.599 --> 00:23:56.799
I'm just as good as AI.
00:23:56.880 --> 00:23:57.759
You don't need that shit.
00:23:57.920 --> 00:23:58.880
Just ask me.
00:23:59.119 --> 00:24:01.920
So there's the difference between those two.
00:24:02.240 --> 00:24:19.759
But you can see how having a firmer grasp on both of those and spending some time with each one of those words to understand that like when you feel that well-up of emotion like compelling you, or or you know, that tingly effervescent feeling that you feel, it's like, is this excitement or enthusiasm?
00:24:19.920 --> 00:24:27.440
Like to me, anyway, it really helps to know to be able to put a proper word with that, because then I can expand on it.
00:24:28.160 --> 00:24:31.359
So, why am I going into this?
00:24:31.519 --> 00:24:39.839
Well, when I was talking to my counselor, she brought up um how she was working with shame versus conviction.
00:24:40.240 --> 00:24:53.200
And so, you know, those are two seemingly, to me, at least at the time, when it first came across my bow, unrelated words or ideas, shame and conviction.
00:24:53.519 --> 00:25:06.079
And I thought about it, it's like shame to me is like that embarrassment that like I have a set of principles and I went against it, and now it's being publicly shown that I'm a fraud, perhaps, something to that effect.
00:25:06.240 --> 00:25:15.200
Uh, I haven't worked on how I really define that to myself, but I'm just giving you the idea of like when I was initially presented with these two words, what that meant to me.
00:25:15.279 --> 00:25:22.880
And conviction would be I have a very clear vision of the way I want to head.
00:25:23.119 --> 00:25:28.319
And I am my feet are firmly planted in that direction, and I will do whatever it takes to get there.
00:25:28.559 --> 00:25:38.480
So, with those two things, I was like, that I don't see the relationship, but I liked the exercise of trying to pull those two things together and seeing where they could fit in.
00:25:39.440 --> 00:25:45.680
So I I meditated on that for a while.
00:25:46.000 --> 00:25:56.960
And what I came to understand is like, as I stand at there, was I was I'm still reading this book, Zanoni, by Edward Bower Lytton.
00:25:57.279 --> 00:25:58.960
Lighton Lytton.
00:25:59.519 --> 00:26:06.559
Either way, it's a gothic romance about mysticism and the occult and all this other stuff.
00:26:06.720 --> 00:26:20.400
It's really it's interesting, but it's flowery language, it's hard to like really get into because with the with the poetic flowery languages book to me, anyway, I get so lost in the imagery and all this stuff, and I'm just like, stick to the story, man.
00:26:20.480 --> 00:26:21.279
Let's just plow through.
00:26:21.440 --> 00:26:23.519
Like, I want suspense, I want excitement.
00:26:23.680 --> 00:26:26.559
I don't I don't need to know how pretty the water is.
00:26:27.119 --> 00:26:39.680
At any rate, this line in here somehow spurned on in me uh something that helped me connect these two, shame and conviction.
00:26:40.319 --> 00:26:48.960
And the line goes this like those who deceive, he was ever fearful of being himself the dupe.
00:26:50.480 --> 00:26:58.240
And I sat on there and I thought about that, and I thought about the way that that applied to me, especially in addiction.
00:26:59.440 --> 00:27:21.039
And this all this work I had done on refining my internal dialogue and having like a better vocabulary, not only to describe to myself the world that I'm in, but also to better paint a picture for others around me of like what I want, what I need.
00:27:21.279 --> 00:27:27.839
How can we work together in communion to live together and make a good life?
00:27:29.759 --> 00:27:46.720
The problem with all of that work, ultimately, once I was in the throes of my addiction, is that I was not just the deceiver, I was the one being duped all unto myself.
00:27:46.960 --> 00:28:04.240
This cyclical nature of I was deceiving myself while simultaneously knowing I was and feeling both empowered by my deception and my ability to deceive myself, but also completely vulnerable and victimized, like I'm the dupe.
00:28:04.640 --> 00:28:16.640
And so now I had this really formidable arsenal to work with for and against myself simultaneously.
00:28:16.799 --> 00:28:23.759
And then in discovering that, it ripped apart my self-confidence and my internal dialogue.
00:28:24.880 --> 00:28:45.519
So I found myself like standing at the crossroads throughout picking up the pieces, you know, once I had decided to really get sober for real, and I was going to just face all of this stuff I had been uh neglecting, but also I was going, it's not just about like overcoming the trauma, it's about writing a new narrative.
00:28:45.920 --> 00:28:53.920
And so I had to then dig in and start reworking everything because I had to just fix all the stuff before I could even use it again.
00:28:54.160 --> 00:29:08.160
The one of which being just my intellect, internal dialogue, my sense of right and wrong, the internal compass, my moral code, everything had been, you know, I liken it to a jumble of like electrical wires.
00:29:08.319 --> 00:29:19.519
If you ever come across just like a mess of a bunch of different wires and this bird's nest of shit, and it's like, well, before you can organize all that stuff, you have to untangle them.
00:29:19.680 --> 00:29:24.400
And I kept finding myself, like as soon as I would start to untangle them, like, this is pointless, this is worthless.
00:29:24.559 --> 00:29:27.839
How do I even like they're all different colors and shapes and sizes?
00:29:28.079 --> 00:29:28.960
Fuck all this.
00:29:29.039 --> 00:29:30.559
I'm not dealing with it.
00:29:30.880 --> 00:29:37.279
And I'm still in the midst of the untangling, unentanglement, whatever that is.
00:29:37.359 --> 00:29:38.640
Like, I'm straightening out.
00:29:38.720 --> 00:29:49.039
I'm separating all of these very disparate and different chords, which I'm metaphorically referring to, my maladaptive behaviors and character flaws.
00:29:49.279 --> 00:29:55.759
But I'm separating all this stuff out currently before I can even start to organize it and then work on it.
00:29:56.079 --> 00:30:06.559
So as I've been doing that, I'm standing at the crossroads of understanding that unto myself, I am both the deceiver and the dupe.
00:30:07.279 --> 00:30:22.319
Uh and it was just like I understood that my efforts going forward before I even dealt with all of this other exercise, you know, uh internal dialogue refinement and all this these intellectual pursuits.
00:30:22.720 --> 00:30:30.240
It was that I had to re-establish confidence in my own internal dialogue.
00:30:32.240 --> 00:30:42.880
And so in discovering this, it was like I did have to go back and go, alcohol provided me some good.
00:30:43.519 --> 00:31:01.680
And I think this is where I've never formally like done shadow work, but I assume it's some level of this where it's like, hey, I can look at bad stuff and realize that like the utility in it, and also that like I'm good at heart, but there are bad sides of me that it's like if I repress them, it makes it worse.
00:31:01.839 --> 00:31:09.279
If I just go, oh yeah, all right, there's some evil shit in me, like just kind of shed some light on it and it dissipates.
00:31:09.920 --> 00:31:21.920
That that's kind of what I came to when I realized that um in my past, alcohol provided me like a coping mechanism when I needed it.
00:31:22.000 --> 00:31:38.720
And I don't look back on my alcoholism with like disdain, but a recognition that given the overwhelming nature of what I was dealing with and my limited capacity to handle it any better, alcohol served its purpose to prop me up when I couldn't do it myself.
00:31:40.240 --> 00:31:51.359
Uh and my only wish for that younger version of me was that I would have been more willing to deal with those hardships as they came.
00:31:51.920 --> 00:31:54.880
But again, I was ill-equipped and overwhelmed.
00:31:55.759 --> 00:32:02.319
So, what can I take from the grace for the younger version of myself that like I'm exhibiting in these moments?
00:32:04.400 --> 00:32:13.680
Uh well, the simple fact, and this is where I like I came to, okay, the younger version of me just couldn't deal with it at the time.
00:32:13.759 --> 00:32:17.920
I wish I if I could take it back, I wish I would have just dealt with things as they came.
00:32:18.400 --> 00:32:26.079
But like the fact that I'm now addressing it, I can look at it as not like that time was wasted.
00:32:26.160 --> 00:32:27.839
It was just deferred.
00:32:28.079 --> 00:32:35.920
Now, if I never would have addressed it, then the problem persists and I never get this perspective.
00:32:36.160 --> 00:32:42.799
But the fact that I am addressing it now, I can look back and go, I don't have any shame towards that anymore.
00:32:43.359 --> 00:32:46.000
Because I didn't know any better.
00:32:46.240 --> 00:32:51.440
I did leave a wake of destruction, and for that, I am making amends.
00:32:51.599 --> 00:32:54.960
I am sort of paying my debt to that.
00:32:55.519 --> 00:33:20.000
But as far as the view of myself that I have, in recognizing and giving that version of me grace, it's like it wasn't until I worked on it and got to this point that I would ever be able to fully appreciate, understand, and look with clear eyes at that situation to say, oh, there's not shame wrapped up in that, there's just clarity now and understanding that I was doing something wrong.
00:33:20.720 --> 00:33:26.480
I think the shame comes when you're actively living against yourself and just denying that fact.
00:33:26.640 --> 00:33:47.680
But when you're living for yourself and go back and look upon things that you've done that were clearly wrong or reprehensible, or it's just like once you break through, I guess, that shame and just go, I was operating out of a place of hurt or of brokenness, or I was doing the best I could at the time.
00:33:48.079 --> 00:33:48.799
I don't know.
00:33:48.960 --> 00:33:51.440
Like you will get the clarity you need as you address it.
00:33:51.519 --> 00:33:58.319
And for me, anyway, it was just like, yeah, I didn't have the capacity to deal with it.
00:33:58.480 --> 00:33:59.759
And so I kept putting it off.
00:33:59.839 --> 00:34:13.199
And in putting it off and it being so hard to deal with, I then dove further and further into the things that blotted out the feeling of whatever bad feeling I had for not dealing with it.
00:34:13.280 --> 00:34:21.280
And it was just like this circle down and that feedback loop of just constantly following my tail all the way down into the depths of hell.
00:34:21.519 --> 00:34:33.199
So, anyway, um, the fact that I am now dealing with it, this all comes back to shame and and conviction, by the way.
00:34:34.079 --> 00:34:40.000
The fact that I'm now dealing with it dissolves any shame associated with that time.
00:34:40.559 --> 00:34:52.800
And that's the point I keep trying to like push forward is that when I look back, that shame dissolves, and what's left after that shame dissolves informs my conviction now.
00:34:53.920 --> 00:35:24.320
And so when I really sat with it and thought about it, I was like, wow, while these two words aren't necessarily related in like a vocab or grammatical sense, they're related in the experience of life sense, and that shame in a lot of ways is so emotionally energized that it can blot out the feeling of much quieter or still type of emotions.
00:35:24.480 --> 00:35:28.800
And conviction being one of them, it's a powerful emotion, but it's not noisy.
00:35:29.039 --> 00:35:41.039
And when there's another one whose frequency is just covering everything else up in the bandwidth, it's like, yeah, I wasn't able to focus on like where I wanted to go until I overcame that shame.
00:35:41.360 --> 00:35:57.440
So I thought that was really interesting to present it that way, of even taking like unrelated words, seemingly, and seeing how much they do relate to each other, or can inform a shared experience of like progress.
00:35:59.280 --> 00:36:11.440
So um, in doing that, I came up with a sort of another metaphor, and this is about casting light uh on the darkness.
00:36:12.480 --> 00:36:18.480
It's isn't it amazing how the casting of light can change a horror into a comedy?
00:36:19.039 --> 00:36:33.039
In the literal sense, something barely lit and at a precise angle can look like the most ominous of monsters, but revealed after being fully lit is nothing more than a blanket on a chair.
00:36:33.519 --> 00:36:42.400
So too, we hide our thoughts and impulses inside the shadows of ourselves that we are either too afraid or too ignorant to illuminate.
00:36:42.639 --> 00:36:49.280
Ask yourself then if the salve to your wretched afflictions is a matter of courage or negligence.
00:36:49.920 --> 00:36:57.760
Do the actions needed to shine a light have to be acted upon or discovered yet?
00:36:59.679 --> 00:37:06.719
Okay, so I hate trying like this is I write this stuff down and then I read it, and it sounds so inorganic.
00:37:06.880 --> 00:37:11.039
So uh bullet points for the future, Michael.
00:37:11.360 --> 00:37:21.599
At any rate, this is this is a I don't know, I think it's a good topic to focus on, and it's one that's gonna help me structure these episodes a little better as I fumble my way through.
00:37:23.360 --> 00:37:26.960
But again, as you can see, I'm I I like to use the backdrop of addiction.
00:37:27.039 --> 00:37:36.639
One, because in a lot of ways it's hard when you're in active addiction to see any way out to get any sort of clarity.
00:37:37.039 --> 00:37:53.599
And to use the metaphor of light, sometimes that's the best time to inject the smallest bit of positivity or light, because a single beam of light is never more effective than it is in a completely darkened room.
00:37:53.920 --> 00:37:58.559
And it's amazing the amount of impact that singular bit can make.
00:37:59.519 --> 00:38:18.960
Uh and so that's why, and I'm I like it's a it's a delicate walk, uh tightrope walk to make to because I know some people who are like are in the throes of addiction and seem completely reprehensible in most cases.
00:38:19.119 --> 00:38:21.760
I'm not gonna say all, because it's like anything in life.
00:38:21.840 --> 00:38:26.320
There's psychopaths and narcissists and sociopaths and all kinds of shit out there.
00:38:26.400 --> 00:38:36.159
I can't account for everything, but I would say on the whole, most people who get into the throes of addiction, and I'm talking really bad, I'm ready to die for my addiction because I don't want to deal with this shit.
00:38:36.480 --> 00:38:53.199
Those people are running away from something, have something so incomprehensibly bad inside of their psyche that it's just like I would prefer to feel nothing and die than to feel whatever it is this is that I have to deal with in order to get past it.
00:38:53.920 --> 00:39:18.239
And in process of like the addiction will get worse as the affliction is neglected, and so they look like a worse person, but really it's just this one thing that if we could make a breakthrough or get through or start the process of addressing, it's like then these other things dissolve, much like shame.
00:39:18.320 --> 00:39:29.920
But it's like even if we can crack the door just a slight bit to let some light in and perhaps give them some perspective of their own inner workings, we can get through to these people.
00:39:30.000 --> 00:39:34.719
And that this is I don't sit here as some expert in long-term sobriety.
00:39:34.880 --> 00:39:42.800
I'm not even seven months sober yet, and I've been close to eight years now trying to get this to stick.
00:39:43.039 --> 00:39:52.880
I'm just talking about the stuff that's working for me right now, as I am longer sober than I have ever been since I was 12 years old.
00:39:56.880 --> 00:40:22.719
One of the ways, I'm not saying this is the final way, and I don't think there is any sort of standardized one way to treat addiction, but one of the ways to treat all of these maladies that are nebulous and multifaceted, is to empower the person that is afflicted, to show them that they have agency and power to do something about it.
00:40:23.199 --> 00:40:34.639
And that's what I really want to try to convey, if I could, from this you know, empowerment pulpit that I stand upon and I'm trying to build.
00:40:34.880 --> 00:40:43.840
But basically, one of the other arrows I'd like to put in the quiver of recovery is this idea of personal empowerment.
00:40:44.880 --> 00:40:58.320
Again, this is this is a tenuous tightrope to walk because you don't want to give too much agency to someone who has no self-control at the moment, but you also don't want to remove everything to make them feel helpless.
00:40:58.400 --> 00:41:07.280
And I think a fascinating new psychological phenomenon in the zeitgeist is learned helplessness.
00:41:07.840 --> 00:41:48.159
And I think it's now touching on just the general population, and you see the deleterious effects it has on just people, but do you add that to generally what an addict is going through on top of like the physical addictive properties, but then the psychological impact of like, yeah, you learn helplessness, not just that like the people around you are giving up on you, or your family, or it seems that way, even though they might not be, or you're giving up on yourself, but like you've also become completely helpless to a substance that has replaced everything.
00:41:48.480 --> 00:42:10.239
And so to sift through all of that is really difficult, and then to be able to play both sides of like this empowerment angle, I'm just trying to be somewhat positive and optimistic in that like it is worth it on the other end, not because you feel good, not because there's some big party or ticker tape parade or anything.
00:42:10.480 --> 00:42:17.519
What awaits you on the other side of all of that misery is still more hardship.
00:42:17.760 --> 00:42:32.000
It's just hardship with clarity, hardship with a firm understanding of who you are, so that you aren't cast about by the winds of change with no idea where you're going and no ability to maneuver yourself within those winds.
00:42:32.320 --> 00:42:35.440
That really to me is the most empowering thing I can say.
00:42:35.599 --> 00:43:11.360
And once you've you've lived through a life of such despair, the realms of experience that you've touched by the time that you pulled yourself out can be so well understood and communicated to others that you have a power of connection with people, especially in suffering, that it's hard to like quantify, except when you're in a moment with another person that only that recognition of where they're at and their knowing that you've been there too connects you in a way that there is no other currency for.
00:43:11.519 --> 00:43:18.639
There's no, and that's why it's not flowery or something that you can monetize or market.
00:43:19.280 --> 00:43:21.360
It's it's not surface.
00:43:21.760 --> 00:43:31.679
You you can't create an ad that says it's worth it to have suffered so bad you want to die, and then be able to help somebody who is in the same position later once you're better.
00:43:32.079 --> 00:43:41.360
Not real sexy, but unbelievably profound to be able to do that with the life that you've lived.
00:43:41.519 --> 00:43:48.639
What a gift to have a life, not only that you've lived that has that experience, but then be able to share that with others.
00:43:48.960 --> 00:43:59.599
All that came back around at the end of my reading today, and in writing this stuff down, where I generally in the mornings I get up as early as possible.
00:44:00.480 --> 00:44:02.880
I'm not turning this into grind culture, by the way.
00:44:02.960 --> 00:44:04.239
So let's not go there.
00:44:04.400 --> 00:44:05.920
I think that's fucking ridiculous.
00:44:06.159 --> 00:44:14.239
But I just have children, and I've come to find that early, early morning is the only time I have any sanity.
00:44:14.400 --> 00:44:16.639
So it's best to get my work done then.
00:44:18.880 --> 00:44:21.920
But I read these devotional books before I meditate.
00:44:22.159 --> 00:44:24.880
And one of them is called The Book of Awakening.
00:44:25.599 --> 00:44:33.360
And I don't have the passage in front of me, but it's essentially how the wounded find their way.
00:44:35.280 --> 00:44:53.119
And it's talking about how, you know, there's a big jagged rock in the middle of this um relentless ocean, just pounding the rock, these waves, these torrents, just ripping through.
00:44:53.199 --> 00:45:00.079
And on that rock are all of these exhausted and worn-out animals.
00:45:00.159 --> 00:45:11.519
And he goes through and lists all these ones that would seemingly be um, you know, predator prey, enemies, they wouldn't coexist in any other's realm.
00:45:12.159 --> 00:45:24.719
Uh, but yet they crawl upon each other, their breathing helpless to do anything else except just get out of the chaos.
00:45:25.920 --> 00:45:40.000
And as they lay there next to each other, on top of each other, around each other, animals that would otherwise be eating each other or fighting or anything, in their exhaustion, the only thing they could do is be with each other.
00:45:41.760 --> 00:45:58.079
And the parallel drawn in this is that for those of us who have suffered, who have hauled ourselves into the sun out of that torment, anything exhausted beside us is family.
00:46:00.400 --> 00:46:29.199
And I think it's really important to note that if you've ever been in a scenario where you are so exhausted, you are so you're you're hanging on by the thinnest of threads, and you notice around you others who are in that exact same situation, who have been fighting and clawing and doing everything they can and are at their last bit of energy, the their wit's end, whatever it be.
00:46:29.519 --> 00:46:37.760
And you're both stuck there, drying out, doing anything you can to just recuperate.
00:46:39.199 --> 00:46:55.360
The shared bond and just that recognition of mutual suffering brings people together at such an elemental level that it cannot be described except to say that it must be experienced.
00:46:55.760 --> 00:47:26.559
And in light of that, that is what informs me going forward in my conviction to keep doing this so that I can hopefully use all of the places I've gone and the tools that I am now musing, discovering, and sharpening to get out, but not only get out, get better, rewrite, and help others to pass along.
00:47:26.800 --> 00:47:30.159
And ultimately, none of this has to do with me.
00:47:30.320 --> 00:47:32.239
I'm just figuring this stuff out.
00:47:32.480 --> 00:47:35.679
I don't own a patent on self-discovery.
00:47:36.000 --> 00:47:40.800
I just own the patent on my own, and I like to pass it along.
00:47:41.039 --> 00:47:44.800
So hopefully that wasn't too rambling and the audio isn't shit this week.
00:47:44.960 --> 00:47:54.159
Uh, I will do my best next week, hopefully, to uh figure out anything that might have been fucky during this one.
00:47:54.480 --> 00:47:57.519
Tighten that up, and uh we'll be back for more.
00:47:57.679 --> 00:47:58.800
So until then.
