Lucie obsesses over Gerry’s death, her regret about what she did and her inability to remember what happened the night she killed him. How will she find some sliver of peace? Her search for forgiveness leads her to an unlikely source.
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00:00:00Hi quick note before we start this podcast is serialized so if you're just joining in here you should go back and start at the episode called lovebirds it's episode one of season two support for today's show comes from bomb baz bama's offers premium thoughtfully crafted socks which customers
00:00:18overwhelmingly claim are the most comfortable socks they've ever worn Better yet for every pair of socks bomba cells they donate a pair to those in need So see what a big difference this little article of clothing to make good obama's dot com slash first to get twenty percent
00:00:35off your first order you'll love your bomba socks or your money back guaranteed Thanks bambas i'm cassie and this is first day back a podcast about trying to get your life back after an event that changes you this's episode six our last one of this season it's been
00:01:07a year and a half since lucy puckett was released from prison for accidentally killing jerry her common law husband Over the course of that time lucy has accomplished a lot She stayed sober continued counseling found a job reconnected with family the's air required by her parole program Despite
00:01:30all the progress lucy is made i wouldn't really describe her as back on her feet as part of her rehab program She goes to therapy once a week The therapist has an office in the transition house they tried to make It is easy as possible for the women
00:01:46to keep their appointments what they would like to go back to something that you mentioned in a previous session In this session lucy and her therapist talked about lucy's childhood and her parents and at the very end something else came up that lucy is still struggling with It
00:02:05was a complete left turn but it's where lucy steered the conversation i've let go a lot of pain but the biggest thing that i think it's the hardest thing is forgive ourselves like to forgive myself i'm still not there this part of me trying to forgive myself is
00:02:26very hard that's obviously something we have to continue to work on but i would like you to think for our next session what does it do for you not forgiving yourself What exactly does it to you I don't have to give an answer now you can take the
00:02:42time to think why am i holding on this blame in our conversations She can't stop talking about her life with jerry she obsesses over her regret about that night why didn't i put the guns away Why didn't i do that I had time the day before to do
00:03:01it but i didn't do with why and the fact that she can't remember what happened do you think there's anything that could give you closure my death I know it's drastic but i tell it to sandra sandra told me mom don't talk like that i'm your daughter a
00:03:21civil sandra i'm telling you the truth this is how i see closer it's the only way i see it i believe that when you die you know everything the questioning you had before that you didn't know you know yeah i think so but that would mean when you
00:03:45die that you'll get the answer yes i will i will because i do believe that once you die finally i have the answer finally i know what happened don't you think so Like i'm trying to imagine who's going to tell me you're just going to know you're just
00:04:11going to know ah lucy speaks of dying in a way that's hard to hear but i don't think she's consumed with death i just think it's a comfort to know that somewhere down the line there will be relief relief from the guilt she feels it makes her crave
00:04:34forgiveness or something like it it's a huge thing for lucy to want forgiveness in a case like hers though that's rare eso well lucy ever be able to find some small sliver of peace in this life when i started this project lucy's guilt revolved around jerry's family in
00:05:00her first interviews she talked about jerry's mom a lot you know in my head i wish she would come and see me and well you know i wish you would have asked to talk to me or something because at the beginning it you know they were she called
00:05:17my mom and everything they i thought that everything would have been okay lucy hasn't seen the maderas since her parole hearing in february of twenty fifteen when she was up for early release when she walked into the courtroom that day the family was sitting in a road together
00:05:35lucy took her seat alone at the front i could hear his brother crying at the back reading the the later the big temporal board yeah um it hurt me to know how much they were suffering does that mean they didn't want you to be paroled Yeah that's so
00:06:01they didn't want me to be girl we reached out to the maderas for an interview or a statement i wrote to jerry's brother on facebook and mailed a letter to jerry's mom i heard back from jerry's brother on two separate occasions and his reaction was very angry angry
00:06:21that lucy is out of jail angry that i'm doing this siri's in his facebook response to me he called lucy a killer and a self serving person who refuses to take responsibility for what she did he doesn't believe jerry's death was an accident the family doesn't want anything
00:06:40to do with lucy or this siri's that is there right But that doesn't mean lucius stop thinking about jerry's mom i'm talking about the pain she has teo endure this his heart it's hard to explain because you know it was family so it's like to hold her in
00:07:06my arms and say i'm so sorry do you want i guess i would like that but i know it's impossible to be doing this because she probably doesn't want to see me or whatever what do you think that would change for you if you were able to give
00:07:33her a hug Um i guess is to see if she's okay lucy will never be able to do that A zoo condition of her brawl lucy is not allowed to make any contact with members of jerry's family The location of where she can live has been restricted so
00:08:09she's not near them she's not allowed to live in the entire province of ontario that's a huge area a and she can never visit jerry's grave in case you might see his family there So how does she move on more first day back after the break way ah
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00:11:15more with a free trial at audible goto audible dot com slash first to start now thanks audible jerry's death transformed lucy and jerry's relationship for people from a pair of lovebirds to something darker it's a ziff they've said to her you don't have the right to those good
00:11:40memories anymore and that hurts her He was a wonderful person it's like uh i want to remember the thirteen and a half years of my life with jerry not the minute that you know the minute i don't want to dwell on that you know one minute no i
00:12:08want to remember the good time because the one minute i don't even remember it i know that you know i lost the most precious thing i remember the thirty and a half years we had together you feel like that's remembering the true you yeah remembered remembering jerry and
00:12:29lucy so lucy has created a refuge a place where she can indulge in what is real to her i always like walk with him i sleep with him you know in my mind in my dream msa when i wake up and i had a dream with jerry i
00:12:55love it i'm so happy it's like he's still with me her dreams with jerry have become so important to her she dreams of being with him at a cottage they always wanted to build by a lake of jerry with his grandfather or one time she told me she
00:13:25dreamed jerry was sparkly and golden she wasn't sure what that was all about once when we were talking about the night jerry was killed and how frustrating it was not to remember what happened i asked her something that i thought i knew the answer to but lucy often
00:13:45doesn't say what i expect if you could take a pill to remember would you take the pill Mm it's hard to say because i never had nightmares i always had a beautiful dream with jerry and then when i talked to him whatever it's always beautiful dream and i
00:14:03would be afraid to ah lose that then i wouldn't want to dream about jerry you know if i had the nightmares i wouldn't want to go like i don't think i would take it her dreams you are not just where they could be together there where jerry has
00:14:28offered her something she can't get from anyone else i'm sure that jerry forgave me thiss for sure i know how do you know it's the dream i hand and the questioning i had because i asked him you know how i'm sorry and says it's okay i forgive you
00:14:58it's impossible that it that's nice you don't think that in some way it's it is using you forgive yourself by saying jerry forgive you no i still think that jerry for gave me it's just the way we were together respect we had for each other and the love
00:15:33we had for each other and how i know it's because it's like you feel like because you loved each other yeah it's magical thinking that the person whose life she took is the one to forgive her but i see what this means to lucy jerry understood her he
00:15:58knew her in a way nobody else did that's why she thinks he's forgiven her their love is the one thing that hasn't changed for her when every single other thing has there's a moment from the first time i met lucy that stands out to me now is a
00:16:21little capsule of how she sees things it's when she was telling me how perfect her relationship was with jerry on she said she wanted to show me something that would help me understand i assumed she was going to show me a love letter or a photo of them
00:16:36together instead she showed me an old newspaper clipping about him being found dead at home I couldn't understand why was she showing me this Oh here it is the murder of gerald mada has shocked friends and neighbors who described him and dc beckett his partner of thirteen years
00:16:59as lovebirds who couldn't get along without each other yeah another place she says that they were a very loving couple she said that was her best friend and i'm going to cry yeah because it's true way we're best friends what ultimately this forgiveness mean for lucy it's a
00:17:33gesture of love do you still dream about jerry now Yeah you know how when you have a dream you look for somebody and you can't find them i had a dream and i was looking for jerry and i found him on when i will call that's were usually
00:17:53when you look for somebody you know you can find him on then i saw maybe it's because he's going to be there for me always be there for me oh when i see lucy next she's at the transition house packing up to go to sandra she's still shuffling
00:18:37back and forth until she comes up for full parole in a couple of months usually only had my bag and now i have to care you lucy will be spending even more time with sandra who's got a serious boyfriend now they're moving into a bigger place together and
00:18:54there's a reason for that oh did i tell you something Did i tell you my daughter was pregnant That's amazing news Yeah excited yeah i asked i let some what do you want said you wanted a little sister little brother it doesn't matter he's so happy yeah you
00:19:17know what Yes please this's where i'm leaving lucy thank you wei come out of the transition house together and say goodbye as i watched her walk away her little backpack over her shoulder she fades into the city and noticed people passing her on the street we'll never guess
00:19:47even a fraction of what she's been through lucy will always be haunted by what she did with all the messy repercussions but it's the small acts of resiliency that keep her going everyone affected by jerry's death has their own story about what happened the moderates have their story
00:20:13mitchells have their story this was lucy story we owe first day back is produced by mark george and me talia be cast is the show of scored and mixed by david herman our executive producer is dave shaw special Thanks to bird pinkerton robbing in lee meyers david miss
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