Full Transcript for 287. What Everyone Can Learn From Kink ft. Amanda Dames, aka The Kink Consultant

that is a theme as well. 02:24.199 --> 02:29.902 [SPEAKER_00]: Throughout my conversation with her is how communication about hard things can be fun. 02:30.443 --> 02:33.204 [SPEAKER_00]: And she tries to bring that into her work, 02:34.605 --> 02:43.531 [SPEAKER_00]: On my end, some life updates, I've mentioned that I've been chatting about and diving into my most recent therapy journey over on the Patreon. 02:44.391 --> 02:49.795 [SPEAKER_00]: I talk about it every week, what the theme is from my therapy session were that week, things that I'm working on within myself. 02:50.635 --> 03:01.282 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm really excited about it, not only the therapy journey, but also the opportunity to share it with the patrons, because I think it's an interesting example of what it can look like from 03:04.644 --> 03:05.465 [SPEAKER_00]: They don't know you. 03:05.525 --> 03:06.326 [SPEAKER_00]: You don't know them. 03:06.426 --> 03:07.887 [SPEAKER_00]: How do you navigate that dynamic? 03:08.367 --> 03:15.113 [SPEAKER_00]: And for me, I'm potentially navigating things that I have never touched in therapy before, namely, potentially ADHD. 03:15.834 --> 03:22.459 [SPEAKER_00]: And my update on that is I'm actually doing a neuropsych evil this week as you listen to digging to that a little bit. 03:22.880 --> 03:25.742 [SPEAKER_00]: See what might be there from a potential diagnosis perspective. 03:26.322 --> 03:27.624 [SPEAKER_00]: But regardless of that, 03:28.725 --> 03:42.456 [SPEAKER_00]: I have really enjoyed working with this new therapist and it's made me realize that I think I had never found the right therapeutic fit before now and maybe it's because I know myself better now than I did the other times that I sought out therapists. 03:42.496 --> 03:53.665 [SPEAKER_00]: I mean, I think you get to know yourself better and better over the years and I loved many of my former therapists and I got so much from them, especially the one that I saw when I was grieving my dad. 03:55.420 --> 03:57.181 [SPEAKER_00]: But I don't know, this just feels different. 03:57.941 --> 03:59.282 [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm just really enjoying it. 03:59.302 --> 04:04.944 [SPEAKER_00]: So if you want to hear more about that, doing that over on the Patreon every week, patreon.com slash finding Mr. 04:04.964 --> 04:06.705 [SPEAKER_00]: Hype, it's been amazing. 04:07.585 --> 04:08.846 [SPEAKER_00]: Something else that's been amazing. 04:09.507 --> 04:14.768 [SPEAKER_00]: I finally brought on help for the content side of my self-employment. 04:15.988 --> 04:32.252 [SPEAKER_00]: I have help for the podcast in audio engineering, editing, et cetera, and I finally brought on somebody who is able to help me plan out and organize my content from like a creative lens as well. 04:33.332 --> 04:45.894 [SPEAKER_00]: and is deep in that world of social media in doing research on the types of videos that resonate now, like the, you know, whatever, covers that you should have on videos, things like that. 04:46.334 --> 04:52.856 [SPEAKER_00]: Stuff that I spent a lot of time researching and looking at when I was first starting out on TikTok and on Instagram. 04:53.796 --> 04:56.816 [SPEAKER_00]: And frankly, in that time in my life, I had a lot of time on my hands. 04:57.016 --> 04:59.057 [SPEAKER_00]: Like, I started on TikTok in October 2020. 05:00.497 --> 05:01.417 [SPEAKER_00]: one doing a whole lot else. 05:01.637 --> 05:06.018 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, and then I went and was living with my mom for a while, really wasn't doing a whole lot else. 05:06.498 --> 05:08.199 [SPEAKER_00]: I had a lot of time to be doing those things. 05:09.139 --> 05:11.860 [SPEAKER_00]: And I did enjoy it, but it takes up time. 05:12.060 --> 05:22.002 [SPEAKER_00]: And this is something that I've been putting off for quite a while and feeling a little bit overwhelmed by like the content arm of my business. 05:23.298 --> 05:25.779 [SPEAKER_00]: beyond the, like, ask me anything videos that I do. 05:26.039 --> 05:29.820 [SPEAKER_00]: And I also, my podcast editor is lovely. 05:29.880 --> 05:32.161 [SPEAKER_00]: Hello, she is obviously editing this as we speak. 05:32.981 --> 05:34.462 [SPEAKER_00]: She's been helping me with those as well. 05:35.142 --> 05:51.067 [SPEAKER_00]: But I was really looking for somebody, like I said, who was like, deep in that social media space who can help me with kind of like that creative lens of things or maybe not creative is the wrong word because actually the reason that I've been loving working with her so much is because it's allowed me more space. 05:51.947 --> 06:00.191 [SPEAKER_00]: to be more creative and to be able to think of an idea without then also worrying about all the things that need to come afterwards. 06:00.251 --> 06:04.053 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, oh gosh, then I'm going to need to figure out the best way to edit it. 06:04.153 --> 06:11.777 [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm going to need to figure out when to edit it so that I can post it at the right time so that I can then tie it into this other thing. 06:11.818 --> 06:13.959 [SPEAKER_00]: Like there's just so many things that come after it. 06:14.759 --> 06:26.843 [SPEAKER_00]: And ultimately what that meant is I had hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours of footage that I just never edited, never posted, probably we will never see the light of day because a lot of it's a relevant at this point. 06:27.543 --> 06:36.626 [SPEAKER_00]: But one thing she is doing with me also is going through with me, my old footage to figure out like, okay, what are the things that I do want to still post. 06:36.886 --> 06:40.227 [SPEAKER_00]: For example, so much content from our Italy trip so much. 06:40.367 --> 06:42.127 [SPEAKER_00]: I filmed so much and I was so 06:45.594 --> 06:46.995 [SPEAKER_00]: So that's just really been amazing. 06:47.396 --> 06:55.483 [SPEAKER_00]: And in, honestly, in talking with my therapist about it was where I really was able to pull

the trigger, that and my accountability friend. 06:56.584 --> 07:03.411 [SPEAKER_00]: If you are struggling with something, or even not, struggling with something, in your work life, in your career, or anything, 07:05.023 --> 07:06.523 [SPEAKER_00]: I highly recommend an accountability friend. 07:06.883 --> 07:18.066 [SPEAKER_00]: I have another friend who is self-employed, and she and I talk very regularly, and we bounce things off of each other in our jobs and our careers, we do very different things. 07:18.086 --> 07:20.867 [SPEAKER_00]: We bounce things off of each other, and we hold each other accountable. 07:21.407 --> 07:32.069 [SPEAKER_00]: And she has heard me say many, many times, gosh, I just feel really overwhelmed by figuring out how to edit and post my content, like figuring out when to do it, which stuff to post, 07:35.671 --> 07:41.715 [SPEAKER_00]: And I want help, but the task initiation thing is something I struggle with. 07:42.556 --> 07:53.544 [SPEAKER_00]: And so both she and my therapist really helped frame it up for me of how much mental space it could potentially free up if I weren't worried about everything that happens after filming. 07:53.604 --> 07:56.646 [SPEAKER_00]: Because I'm going to have somebody there helping me plan that out. 07:57.347 --> 07:59.489 [SPEAKER_00]: So we've been doing it. 07:59.709 --> 08:00.269 [SPEAKER_00]: It's been amazing. 08:05.086 --> 08:06.927 [SPEAKER_00]: footage from the past, do we want to bring back? 08:07.547 --> 08:08.307 [SPEAKER_00]: What are the new things? 08:08.527 --> 08:11.428 [SPEAKER_00]: The things that I'm maybe doing that week that I'm excited to film? 08:12.348 --> 08:14.729 [SPEAKER_00]: What kind of format do we think is great for that? 08:14.789 --> 08:16.770 [SPEAKER_00]: Should we do we think photo carousel for that? 08:16.930 --> 08:22.632 [SPEAKER_00]: Outing, do we think video, voiceover with, or excuse me, vlog with the voiceover? 08:22.652 --> 08:28.874 [SPEAKER_00]: Do we think talking to the camera video like trying to switch up a little bit the different types of content I'm doing? 08:29.014 --> 08:31.755 [SPEAKER_00]: Obviously, still dating in a relationship advice, like how does that fit in? 08:32.987 --> 08:42.689 [SPEAKER_00]: and it's been so great and there is a part of me that immediately is thinking for fuck's sake, why didn't I do this sooner? 08:42.829 --> 08:50.190 [SPEAKER_00]: Like I have had this incredible assistant helping me with the podcast and I can't imagine and parts of my content. 08:50.230 --> 09:02.853 [SPEAKER_00]: I can't imagine doing what I do without her and it's like why didn't I realize sooner that I would feel that way about more of the content side of things and the more creative social side of things. 09:03.153 --> 09:04.815 [SPEAKER_00]: But we're not going to kick ourselves. 09:05.335 --> 09:10.100 [SPEAKER_00]: We're not going to kick ourselves because the best time to do something might have been yesterday, but the

next best time is today. 09:10.981 --> 09:16.867 [SPEAKER_00]: So I'm very, very happy and proud of myself, frankly, that I pulled the trigger and did that. 09:17.948 --> 09:18.348 [SPEAKER_00]: It's been great. 09:19.660 --> 09:23.003 [SPEAKER_00]: This upcoming week, I am excited. 09:23.103 --> 09:25.265 [SPEAKER_00]: Skyline and I are going on vacation with his family. 09:25.285 --> 09:27.807 [SPEAKER_00]: It is their annual beach vacation. 09:28.268 --> 09:28.888 [SPEAKER_00]: They've been doing it. 09:28.928 --> 09:31.811 [SPEAKER_00]: His family has been doing it every year since before he was even born. 09:32.471 --> 09:34.213 [SPEAKER_00]: And he's been now doing it every year of his life. 09:34.393 --> 09:35.154 [SPEAKER_00]: We went last year. 09:35.174 --> 09:36.094 [SPEAKER_00]: It was my first time. 09:36.215 --> 09:38.957 [SPEAKER_00]: And my first time meeting like more of his extended family. 09:38.977 --> 09:41.159 [SPEAKER_00]: But I'm excited to see them all again. 09:41.199 --> 09:42.920 [SPEAKER_00]: I haven't seen them since Thanksgiving. 09:43.541 --> 09:44.682 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, we were down there for Thanksgiving. 09:46.003 --> 09:52.065 [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm excited to have some really dedicated relaxing time with him, with his family. 09:52.485 --> 09:56.846 [SPEAKER_00]: I honestly have been working a lot lately, and I've been loving it. 09:57.367 --> 10:03.949 [SPEAKER_00]: Like, this season of my life, I'm so grateful for all of the ways in which my consulting business has expanded. 10:03.969 --> 10:05.589 [SPEAKER_00]: And I've really been loving it. 10:05.629 --> 10:08.530 [SPEAKER_00]: Like, I've been loving, leaning into all the different things that I've been doing. 10:08.970 --> 10:13.474 [SPEAKER_00]: And also it means I've been working a lot and we haven't Skyline and I haven't had as much time to connect recently. 10:13.494 --> 10:15.636 [SPEAKER_00]: And so I'm excited for it. 10:15.797 --> 10:18.679 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm still working a little bit, but like way less than normal. 10:19.740 --> 10:21.122 [SPEAKER_00]: You'll still hear from me on social. 10:23.025 --> 10:40.316 [SPEAKER_00]: But I'm just pumped, I'm pumped to like take a step back, relax a little, we're also going to spend a couple nights in Charleston while we're down there and going into this feeling more comfortable and kind of already folded into his family rather than like the new girlfriend nerves of year one, you know. 10:41.537 --> 10:43.398 [SPEAKER_00]: is truly a blessing. 10:45.198 --> 10:52.340 [SPEAKER_00]: It's, and I'm very, very grateful that I really get along with his family and I feel so comfortable with them, even the very first time I was there last summer. 10:52.360 --> 10:56.981 [SPEAKER_00]: I felt comfortable from pretty much the moment I arrived, but it's a different vibe. 10:57.301 --> 11:02.562 [SPEAKER_00]: Now, you know, going into this situation with people, but I know decently well at this point. 11:03.579 --> 11:04.740 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm rather looking forward to it. 11:05.541 --> 11:09.124 [SPEAKER_00]: I do need to figure out the present that I'm getting for his aunt. 11:09.305 --> 11:12.368 [SPEAKER_00]: So they do a a secret Santa style. 11:12.388 --> 11:13.168 [SPEAKER_00]: It's not really secret. 11:13.369 --> 11:14.430 [SPEAKER_00]: Everybody knows who has everybody. 11:15.070 --> 11:16.352 [SPEAKER_00]: We're doing a birthday exchange. 11:16.492 --> 11:23.519 [SPEAKER_00]: So one of the traditions that they have at this beach week, every year, is that they celebrate everybody's birthday while we're there. 11:24.319 --> 11:27.563 [SPEAKER_00]: Because obviously Skyline doesn't live at home. 11:28.143 --> 11:33.368 [SPEAKER_00]: some of his family lives in different towns and so they don't get to celebrate every person's birthday altogether. 11:34.228 --> 11:48.540 [SPEAKER_00]: So that's a really lovely tradition that they have is that on this one particular night of the beach week, it is everyone's birthday and the house is decorated and there's cake and we sing Happy Birthday and it's like we celebrate everyone's birthday. 11:49.721 --> 11:50.862 [SPEAKER_00]: and there's birthday exchange. 11:51.123 --> 11:55.307 [SPEAKER_00]: So it's secret Santa in the sense that it was like, you know, draw out of a hat, but not secret. 11:56.308 --> 11:59.050 [SPEAKER_00]: So I don't, it's just, everybody has one person who they get a gift for. 11:59.070 --> 12:00.312 [SPEAKER_00]: And I have his aunt. 12:00.652 --> 12:02.894 [SPEAKER_00]: So you need to get her something this week. 12:02.934 --> 12:05.497 [SPEAKER_00]: I have my eye and I have had my eye in a couple things that like some local. 12:05.537 --> 12:08.640 [SPEAKER_00]: I want to get something like local from her and our for her, from our neighborhood. 12:09.280 --> 12:10.261 [SPEAKER_00]: Tell my aunt a couple things. 12:10.281 --> 12:12.503 [SPEAKER_00]: I need to like pull the trigger and decide what it's going to be. 12:13.641 --> 12:17.164 [SPEAKER_00]: this week, obviously, before we leave, I personally have asked for a new soap polka. 12:17.184 --> 12:18.886 [SPEAKER_00]: So everybody kind of has lists. 12:18.926 --> 12:19.807 [SPEAKER_00]: His aunt actually doesn't. 12:19.827 --> 12:21.008 [SPEAKER_00]: So I'm hoping that I'll do, okay? 12:21.388 --> 12:22.169 [SPEAKER_00]: Most people have lists. 12:22.529 --> 12:28.755 [SPEAKER_00]: So one of the things on my list was a new soap polka and hoping that that's what I get because mine has really seen better days. 12:29.055 --> 12:30.877 [SPEAKER_00]: But whatever I get, that's gonna be great. 12:31.257 --> 12:36.542 [SPEAKER_00]: And then the last thing, our media mentioned, tying into this week's themes about 12:38.116 --> 12:50.611 [SPEAKER_00]: The ways in which I think the kink world is sort of seen as like this isolated thing that doesn't necessarily relate to you if you don't consider yourself kinky and part of that space and part

of that world. 12:51.630 --> 12:56.072 [SPEAKER_00]: It's called the King World Let's As Connect with the Deep Emotions, creating a richer sexual experience. 12:56.472 --> 13:05.437 [SPEAKER_00]: And it is by a clinical psychologist on how consensual King done with communication and with trust really deepens emotional connection between partners. 13:06.117 --> 13:14.301 [SPEAKER_00]: And that's how to say that you like, you know, have to be King G in order to have a deep emotional connection with your partner, the two Amanda's point, King is a spectrum. 13:15.321 --> 13:18.103 [SPEAKER_00]: And there are many things that I think we would consider 13:22.545 --> 13:31.932 [SPEAKER_00]: And there's just so much rich communication and care in the way that a lot of those relationships dynamics play out. 13:31.952 --> 13:40.858 [SPEAKER_00]: Like when we Amanda and I talk about aftercare, we talk about communication, we talk about feedback, there's so much care put into. 13:42.609 --> 13:43.710 [SPEAKER_00]: consensual can't, right? 13:43.730 --> 13:50.899 [SPEAKER_00]: Like there's just a level of care, I think that every type of relationship dynamic could really benefit from. 13:51.479 --> 13:54.243 [SPEAKER_00]: So with that, let's get to Amanda. 13:59.409 --> 14:00.430 [SPEAKER_00]: And we are back with Amanda. 14:00.470 --> 14:00.950 [SPEAKER_01]: Hi, Amanda. 14:00.970 --> 14:02.511 [SPEAKER_01]: Welcome to Finding Mr. Hight the Podcast. 14:02.591 --> 14:03.952 [SPEAKER_01]: Hello, thanks for having me. 14:04.192 --> 14:05.073 [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you for being here. 14:05.093 --> 14:15.639 [SPEAKER_00]: I am was so excited to learn about you and to hear about the topics that you can kind of bring to the pod because this is going to be a little bit of a different topic than we've explored before. 14:15.719 --> 14:17.741 [SPEAKER_00]: And I think on its face, 14:18.501 --> 14:30.827 [SPEAKER_00]: maybe not one that listeners immediately think that they can connect to it, but I think there's just so much that it about what you bring that can be broadened out to quite literally everybody. 14:31.327 --> 14:33.868 [SPEAKER_01]: Thank you so much for addressing that off the bat, right? 14:33.949 --> 14:36.350 [SPEAKER_01]: Because like so many people, I'm going to introduce myself. 14:36.710 --> 14:39.051 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm Amanda Dames, the kink consultant. 14:39.351 --> 14:46.715 [SPEAKER_01]: I am a sex interrelationship coach who specializes in kink, but really what that ends up boiling down to is mismatched desire. 14:47.575 --> 15:09.795 [SPEAKER_01]: one person wants one thing in the bedroom the other even if they want it or they want to make it happen they just feel they don't have that in them you know like how many have your listeners and probably thought I just want them to take charge in the bedroom right but not all that or something else yeah or so we're like they're worried that the other person wants something and we're going to get into all of it but I think 15:11.020 --> 15:35.047 [SPEAKER_01]: You're so right that that that thought and that theme I think underpins all of our experiences and it's just it's not as narrow as you might think no and at first when people hear the word kink like if I were to go back and start all over again, I'm not sure I'd use the word because people think, oh, I'm not kinky, but then I want kink is something you define for yourself right so yeah. 15:35.347 --> 15:40.229 [SPEAKER_01]: I think people might not understand a lot of what they're into would be actually called kinky. 15:40.770 --> 16:00.099 [SPEAKER_01]: So I love to bring the good word of kink around and just say like, it can mean so many different things too and that is why I also just love coming on podcast to talk about kink in general because I'm like, if you've ever wanted to be like tied down or told you were a good girl or any of those things like that might be considered kinky. 16:01.600 --> 16:02.660 [SPEAKER_00]: It's a spectrum, right? 16:02.680 --> 16:03.281 [SPEAKER_00]: Like anything else? 16:03.561 --> 16:04.061 [SPEAKER_00]: Absolutely. 16:05.642 --> 16:11.626 [SPEAKER_00]: So backing up a little bit, you mentioned, like if I could go back and start over, what was the starting like for you? 16:11.706 --> 16:14.609 [SPEAKER_00]: Like how did you come to be the King Consultant? 16:15.609 --> 16:22.194 [SPEAKER_01]: Oh, that's actually a story that starts from when I was five years old, which sounds insane, but I'm gonna make it quick, okay? 16:22.895 --> 16:23.215 [SPEAKER_00]: I love it. 16:25.155 --> 16:28.217 [SPEAKER_01]: When I was five, I knew I was obsessed with spanking, right? 16:28.318 --> 16:29.498 [SPEAKER_01]: And I didn't understand why. 16:29.959 --> 16:32.781 [SPEAKER_01]: I was a good kid, and I didn't get in trouble almost ever. 16:32.801 --> 16:39.086 [SPEAKER_01]: I never wanted to get in trouble, but if one of my friends was threatened with a spanking or God forbid you got spanked, I wanted to hear all about it. 16:39.146 --> 16:40.067 [SPEAKER_01]: I was like, what happened? 16:40.087 --> 16:40.647 [SPEAKER_01]: What'd you do? 16:40.967 --> 16:41.948 [SPEAKER_01]: Like, what was this? 16:42.449 --> 16:45.051 [SPEAKER_01]: And I was smart enough to know that was weird. 16:45.611 --> 16:48.994 [SPEAKER_00]: You know like I shouldn't tell on the end about about this. 16:49.014 --> 17:04.246 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, right, but like I was definitely like let's play house and you got in trouble you're getting spanked like that was the level of how I was integrating this and I would think about punishment all the time when I was 13 years old I was a group in Ireland and TV in Ireland in England 17:04.626 --> 17:06.807 [SPEAKER_01]: is a lot more open than television here. 17:07.167 --> 17:23.691 [SPEAKER_01]: So one night I was just watching TV and it was a documentary style show where this couple said they were both submissive so they went and hired a dominatrix

and the TV crew went into the dungeon with them to this dominatrix and everything clicked into place. 17:23.711 --> 17:27.052 [SPEAKER_01]: I was like, oh my god, my weird obsession is actually just all about 17:28.418 --> 17:29.819 [SPEAKER_01]: something to do with my sexuality. 17:29.879 --> 17:31.059 [SPEAKER_01]: I was still a little confused. 17:31.099 --> 17:32.600 [SPEAKER_01]: I was like, oh, thank God. 17:32.620 --> 17:33.260 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm normal. 17:33.320 --> 17:34.460 [SPEAKER_01]: It's something about sex. 17:34.540 --> 17:36.641 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm not like a complete weirdo. 17:37.441 --> 17:46.245 [SPEAKER_01]: And from there, I wish I could say and everything was fine after, but it wasn't because I was like, I was embarrassed about what I wanted still in my mind watching that. 17:46.625 --> 17:48.525 [SPEAKER_01]: I didn't think, oh, I'll find someone into this. 17:48.545 --> 17:52.147 [SPEAKER_01]: I thought, oh, I'll go hire a dominatrix when I'm 18 years old and the 17:52.807 --> 17:53.888 [SPEAKER_01]: they will do this for me. 17:54.488 --> 17:56.230 [SPEAKER_01]: Luckily, it wasn't exactly like that. 17:56.370 --> 18:01.614 [SPEAKER_01]: At 14, I had my first boyfriend, like, he never had sex, but he did spank me. 18:01.894 --> 18:02.234 [SPEAKER_01]: You know? 18:02.334 --> 18:03.555 [SPEAKER_01]: So I was like, oh, okay. 18:04.076 --> 18:13.243 [SPEAKER_01]: And for years following, I mean, there's a failed marriage in this story of, you know, I married someone who wasn't kinky, and it ultimately didn't work out because it was that important to me. 18:14.043 --> 18:15.825 [SPEAKER_01]: And I moved to New York 18:19.183 --> 18:23.545 [SPEAKER_01]: Ironically, I became a professional Dominatrix at a New York City Dungeon. 18:25.006 --> 18:25.586 [SPEAKER_00]: Full circle. 18:25.606 --> 18:26.827 [SPEAKER_00]: Full circle moment. 18:26.847 --> 18:27.628 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah. 18:28.728 --> 18:33.531 [SPEAKER_01]: And through that work, yeah, I was into spanking and punishment and being submissive. 18:33.611 --> 18:38.553 [SPEAKER_01]: But I had to step into the dominant role and I just learned, I call it kink college. 18:38.734 --> 18:39.774 [SPEAKER_01]: It was like two years. 18:40.114 --> 18:46.658 [SPEAKER_01]: I swear it was like the other Dominatrix is like hazed me because you know, it's like a kind of aggressive environment. 18:47.178 --> 18:48.280 [SPEAKER_00]: But I learned. 18:48.340 --> 18:48.840 [SPEAKER_00]: I could imagine. 18:48.860 --> 18:50.182 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah. 18:50.362 --> 18:51.904 [SPEAKER_01]: I learned how to do so many things. 18:52.505 --> 18:54.468 [SPEAKER_01]: But I was ultimately that was like a second job. 18:54.508 --> 18:57.291 [SPEAKER_01]: It was extra income as I worked my corporate America job. 18:58.032 --> 18:59.234 [SPEAKER_01]: I did it for two years. 18:59.494 --> 19:04.140 [SPEAKER_01]: And then I was like I need to focus on my career and being a corporate person. 19:05.402 --> 19:05.542 [SPEAKER_01]: And 19:06.264 --> 19:11.789 [SPEAKER_01]: I mean, I think it was, I was doing that full, just no doming, nothing for six years. 19:11.849 --> 19:14.751 [SPEAKER_01]: And I was like, I miss being a dominectric so much. 19:14.911 --> 19:16.292 [SPEAKER_01]: I need to find my way back. 19:16.893 --> 19:21.897 [SPEAKER_01]: But it's not that I'd aged out at 30 or 31. 19:21.957 --> 19:24.760 [SPEAKER_01]: But what happened was I was like, how much time can I really spend to this? 19:24.820 --> 19:27.622 [SPEAKER_01]: So I got certified as a sex and relationship coach. 19:27.642 --> 19:29.664 [SPEAKER_01]: It became a certified sexologist. 19:30.384 --> 19:30.544 [SPEAKER_01]: And 19:31.505 --> 19:45.496 [SPEAKER_01]: I went to TikTok and called myself the King Consultant because I wanted to specialize in King, but because I still had another corporate job, by that stage I was director of attention, strategy at peacock, which was NBC streaming service. 19:46.076 --> 19:51.140 [SPEAKER_01]: I was like, I can't just come out and say, I'm Amanda Dames, a sex and relationship coach, specializes in King. 19:51.460 --> 19:52.281 [SPEAKER_01]: So I came up with this 19:55.183 --> 19:57.224 [SPEAKER_01]: It was, it was like a wild hair. 19:57.264 --> 19:58.684 [SPEAKER_01]: I was like, oh, I'll just call myself this. 19:59.004 --> 20:06.946 [SPEAKER_01]: The first TikTok video I have, I saved it to my camera roll because it's so, I just like reminding myself of where I came from, the video. 20:06.986 --> 20:08.046 [SPEAKER_01]: Like, I stood her in it. 20:08.166 --> 20:09.486 [SPEAKER_01]: It's bad lighting. 20:10.427 --> 20:11.127 [SPEAKER_01]: It's terrible. 20:11.547 --> 20:18.929 [SPEAKER_01]: But that's how I became the king consultant and it resonated with people and it sort of took on a life of its own and that's how I got my first coaching clients. 20:19.049 --> 20:21.969 [SPEAKER_01]: So anyway, that is how I ended up the king consultant. 20:22.009 --> 20:22.489 [SPEAKER_01]: That's the full 20:25.190 --> 20:45.031 [SPEAKER_01]: I think the kink is such a scary words if people sometimes I'm like, why couldn't I be a makeup influencer or something but you know, I'd like It wouldn't scare people off the same way, you know Yeah, but I think that the way that you're able to bridge that for people is so important because 20:46.228 --> 20:56.818 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm sure there are certainly people that perhaps are like just naturally on the very, very low end of Kingcrate and like maybe not really don't resonate with any of that at all. 20:57.498 --> 21:10.570 [SPEAKER_00]: But there are also for sure a lot of people who are somewhere else on the spectrum, but feel that shame about it and don't see a lot of conversations about it and then that shame just continues. 21:10.830 --> 21:11.111 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah. 21:11.471 --> 21:12.172 [SPEAKER_01]: And I think that 21:13.816 --> 21:18.779 [SPEAKER_01]: Thank you for pointing that out

because that is exactly why I started because I had so much shame. 21:19.120 --> 21:27.986 [SPEAKER_01]: I mean, I think I think I should never have gotten married because I was just too embarrassed to tell my partner my king, even though he was a wonderful man still is. 21:28.946 --> 21:31.068 [SPEAKER_01]: But I do think not matching up in the bedroom. 21:31.628 --> 21:38.736 [SPEAKER_01]: played a huge part in us not working on other aspects because it was so important to me for to have that need. 21:39.256 --> 21:49.187 [SPEAKER_01]: So shame can just stop us from achieving things that are totally possible within our reach, but shame stops us from actually reaching out to try and get it. 21:51.481 --> 22:09.682 [SPEAKER_00]: If you brought in that a little bit to a lot of different kinds of needs, sexual needs, but also emotional needs, I think so many people are afraid of articulating their needs for fear of judgment, where in your work, like where, how have you seen that manifesting, like where have you seen that sort of coming from? 22:10.794 --> 22:13.317 [SPEAKER_01]: Oh, that fear of rejection is so huge. 22:13.377 --> 22:15.579 [SPEAKER_01]: By the way, I just want to like say that is valid. 22:15.599 --> 22:17.380 [SPEAKER_01]: Oh my gosh, we can't. 22:18.081 --> 22:20.523 [SPEAKER_01]: I believe that like evolutionary. 22:20.543 --> 22:23.906 [SPEAKER_01]: Why is we weren't manufactured to handle rejection? 22:24.126 --> 22:27.149 [SPEAKER_01]: Because in order to stay safe, you had to conform to the pack. 22:27.610 --> 22:31.013 [SPEAKER_01]: So if you got rejected, that was literally at Med Death, right? 22:31.633 --> 22:36.735 [SPEAKER_01]: So yeah, I think natural selection, natural selection like you're that don't conform. 22:37.055 --> 22:51.982 [SPEAKER_01]: Yes, and I think that rejection it is so understandable to have that fear and that fear of judgment and I'll be ostracized So often that is not the case right sometimes what I kind of told my clients is worst case scenario It's ignored 22:52.875 --> 23:04.264 [SPEAKER_01]: It's rare that you're going to be rejected and cast out of your relationship, but you also have to prepare for being ignored and voicing it and it not being a bid that someone doesn't accept from you. 23:04.945 --> 23:10.629 [SPEAKER_01]: So I see a lot of people not wanting to share because the fear is, oh my God, my partner will leave me. 23:11.289 --> 23:12.651 [SPEAKER_01]: And to this day, 23:13.311 --> 23:16.853 [SPEAKER_01]: I have never met someone who's partner left them just because of King. 23:17.093 --> 23:31.260 [SPEAKER_01]: Like all they'll say, oh, I shared my King can we broke up and all DM them and I'll all ask and I'll hear like, well, we had financial trouble or oh, we just never were the same after kids or you know, there are other things contributing to that. 23:31.340 --> 23:39.825 [SPEAKER_01]: So I see people not want to share because of that fear of rejection, but I'm able to say I have yet to meet someone who is fully rejected because of their specific King even. 23:40.185 --> 23:43.666 [SPEAKER_01]: was some kinks that you might be surprised by like cross-dressing. 23:44.126 --> 23:47.587 [SPEAKER_01]: Someone finds out their partner likes to dress up in women's clothes. 23:47.707 --> 23:55.608 [SPEAKER_01]: And it's sort of a thing of like, well, you can do it just not around me as opposed to a get-out type of situation we're breaking up. 23:55.708 --> 23:56.849 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, exactly. 23:56.969 --> 24:01.550 [SPEAKER_01]: And I think the fear is, oh, I'm going to be out of a relationship and everyone's going to know my deepest 24:04.293 --> 24:09.137 [SPEAKER_01]: how many of us feel we feel like freaks when we're interested in something or scared no one will accept. 24:09.557 --> 24:19.545 [SPEAKER_01]: And some of the work I do with people is just getting to a place of accepting themselves and their desire so that they can share it more confidently. 24:21.297 --> 24:32.840 [SPEAKER_00]: Well, I was going to say I would imagine that a lot of that fear of rejection, and I know this is true for me about some of my needs, a lot of my fear of rejection comes from my own judgment of myself first. 24:33.400 --> 24:34.560 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, yes. 24:35.180 --> 24:41.102 [SPEAKER_01]: Oh, so like spot on, that is where it comes from first, and it becomes a habit to hide the parts of ourselves. 24:41.302 --> 24:44.302 [SPEAKER_01]: We are embarrassed about understandably, right? 24:44.322 --> 24:45.122 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. 24:47.563 --> 24:49.824 [SPEAKER_01]: of not as athletic as I'd like to be, you know what I mean? 24:49.844 --> 24:55.266 [SPEAKER_01]: So I don't put myself in athletic situations for fear of embarrassing myself, you know? 24:55.286 --> 24:58.027 [SPEAKER_01]: And it's that kind of thing. 24:58.387 --> 25:05.790 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I recently had a whole thing about how, so I work in the retail industry and as my other life, if you will. 25:07.165 --> 25:25.409 [SPEAKER_00]: And yet, one of the things that I struggle with is that I don't feel as like naturally good at styling myself and knowing what cool and I'm putting that in major air quotes, like I've always had a chip on my shoulder for that of like not feeling cool relative to my co-workers. 25:26.449 --> 25:28.630 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm sure you're plenty cool that I get it though. 25:28.870 --> 25:29.190 [SPEAKER_00]: I do. 25:30.442 --> 25:30.922 [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you. 25:31.383 --> 25:44.030 [SPEAKER_00]: But that that comes first from a place of self judgment of my own fears of well if I try to be trendy and dress in a cool look and I just end up looking dumb then everyone's going to make fun of me. 25:44.828 --> 25:50.232 [SPEAKER_01]: Whereas, you know, who never worried about looking dumb, Kanye West was wearing clothes with holes in them. 25:50.492 --> 25:52.413 [SPEAKER_01]: For the longest time, do you know what I mean? 25:52.814 -->

25:58.818 [SPEAKER_01]: He is the one who told Kim Kardashian where thin sunglasses, they're coming back in and he made them come back in. 25:58.938 --> 26:09.265 [SPEAKER_01]: And sometimes, listen, leaving out his problematic side, what I will say is, taking on that persona of I'm the decider of what's cool, what's fun. 26:09.566 --> 26:11.987 [SPEAKER_01]: Like, I'm gonna tell you, look cool right now, 26:12.948 --> 26:14.009 [SPEAKER_01]: blue t-shirt. 26:14.069 --> 26:14.609 [SPEAKER_01]: It's working. 26:14.629 --> 26:16.110 [SPEAKER_01]: You know, I don't know what's on the other set. 26:16.130 --> 26:18.211 [SPEAKER_01]: Like what's on the ha with the bottom half. 26:18.291 --> 26:21.512 [SPEAKER_01]: But my point is it is owning it. 26:21.653 --> 26:23.073 [SPEAKER_01]: You know that it that's in your head. 26:23.153 --> 26:28.796 [SPEAKER_01]: But you also have that opportunity to decide I am the trendsetter. 26:29.196 --> 26:32.838 [SPEAKER_01]: And someone's going to choose to dress like me because they see me like this. 26:33.439 --> 26:35.620 [SPEAKER_01]: I think King can be the same way of like, 26:38.241 --> 26:43.486 [SPEAKER_01]: And let me tell you, I wish that's how I introduced King to my partners and my specific interest. 26:44.127 --> 26:47.030 [SPEAKER_01]: I spent so long sort of being like, do you want me to want to spank me? 26:47.050 --> 26:49.753 [SPEAKER_01]: Which is like, I was weird about it. 26:49.793 --> 26:51.915 [SPEAKER_01]: I brought weirdness to the conversation. 26:51.995 --> 26:54.677 [SPEAKER_01]: And that's embarrassing, whereas I've been like, 26:55.338 --> 26:56.179 [SPEAKER_01]: you know, it's really fun. 26:56.219 --> 27:05.588 [SPEAKER_01]: Let's play that like I've been a bad girl and I need to be spanked or I've been a bad secretary and I've messed up this paperwork and you don't want to fire me or a big nut to be fired so you're going to spank me. 27:05.668 --> 27:12.034 [SPEAKER_01]: Like I could have injected fun into the conversation, but I didn't because of my own shame. 27:12.654 --> 27:16.058 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah and that's such a good point about you bringing the weird. 27:16.078 --> 27:16.398 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. 27:17.460 --> 27:19.081 [SPEAKER_00]: Like, you made it weird. 27:19.402 --> 27:31.211 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm like, and that's so, that's so relatable to me for other needs too of things that I've expressed in the past with partners or even just in life of like, oh, it got weird because I made it weird. 27:31.431 --> 27:31.851 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah. 27:32.072 --> 27:33.333 [SPEAKER_01]: And don't get too in your head, right? 27:33.353 --> 27:35.014 [SPEAKER_01]: Cause there's a lot of us, of course. 27:35.034 --> 27:43.561 [SPEAKER_01]: At least in the King's face that are neurodivergent and like we're going to, but like that's, that's even more reason to be your authentic self, right? 27:44.101 --> 27:49.867 [SPEAKER_01]: because I think that you make it weird when you're worried about being yourself or you're not comfortable with being yourself. 27:51.108 --> 27:55.092 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, that's a really good reframe because I am weird, I'm in a lot of a sorry, right? 27:55.192 --> 27:55.893 [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, totally. 27:57.074 --> 28:01.158 [SPEAKER_00]: That's the coolest thing about someone I think is like the shit that's weird about them. 28:01.598 --> 28:02.399 [SPEAKER_01]: Oh, facts. 28:03.891 --> 28:08.132 [SPEAKER_01]: I joke about like how the word gets changed as I age. 28:08.212 --> 28:09.713 [SPEAKER_01]: So like I was a weird kid, right? 28:09.733 --> 28:11.353 [SPEAKER_01]: People told me I was weird, right? 28:12.133 --> 28:16.995 [SPEAKER_01]: And then it became, you are so interesting when I was dating, right? 28:17.035 --> 28:23.137 [SPEAKER_01]: And that was a little bit of a kiss of deaths because like, it always came with the sentence of that's so interesting. 28:23.177 --> 28:24.257 [SPEAKER_01]: And then their eyes would get big. 28:24.277 --> 28:26.018 [SPEAKER_01]: There'd be like, you're so interesting. 28:26.038 --> 28:27.558 [SPEAKER_01]: And then I was like, they're no longer dating me. 28:27.698 --> 28:30.159 [SPEAKER_01]: They're dating the thing, the interesting version. 28:30.759 --> 28:30.999 [SPEAKER_01]: right? 28:31.059 --> 28:31.359 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. 28:31.520 --> 28:35.202 [SPEAKER_01]: And then you get a little older and it becomes, oh, you're quirky. 28:35.382 --> 28:36.143 [SPEAKER_01]: She's quirky. 28:36.903 --> 28:39.245 [SPEAKER_01]: And then it's, you get even older. 28:39.385 --> 28:42.147 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm not at this stage yet, but I know it's coming, eccentric. 28:42.407 --> 28:50.112 [SPEAKER_01]: You hit 50 and I think there's like a pipeline of weird, interesting, quirky, eccentric. 28:50.692 --> 28:51.613 [SPEAKER_01]: What look out for it? 28:51.653 --> 28:52.193 [SPEAKER_00]: That's a goal. 28:52.253 --> 28:52.874 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. 28:52.954 --> 28:56.036 [SPEAKER_00]: I would like goals to be that eccentric woman. 28:56.056 --> 28:56.357 [SPEAKER_01]: Yes. 28:56.377 --> 28:58.098 [SPEAKER_01]: Because if you're not, then you fell off. 28:58.118 --> 29:00.160 [SPEAKER_01]: You conformed in a, you're a sellout. 29:00.180 --> 29:06.725 [SPEAKER_01]: If you don't, if you were weird, interesting, quirky, and then you never make it to eccentric, at some point you conform, but I've convinced. 29:07.230 --> 29:21.058 [SPEAKER_00]: So I think I love that we've planted this as something broader because I think that that's it's just so important I think to zoom out a little bit and and kind of make people realize that it isn't about just the one thing or yeah but. 29:22.246 --> 29:23.948 [SPEAKER_00]: zooming in for a second. 29:24.088 --> 29:36.702 [SPEAKER_00]: I think there's a lot about the communication conversations and the dynamics within what you talk about specifically in-kink or in, let's say, like a BDSM dynamic. 29:37.423 --> 29:44.009 [SPEAKER_00]: that is I

think so applicable elsewhere as well with like explicit communication, for example. 29:44.109 --> 29:53.296 [SPEAKER_00]: So I would love for you to kind of break down what that framework looks like and how our listeners even if they're not in that kind of dynamic can maybe learn from it. 29:53.457 --> 29:53.797 [SPEAKER_00]: Sure. 29:54.077 --> 30:00.943 [SPEAKER_01]: At first, I want to give some love to the fact that none of us were taught to talk about these things. 30:01.183 --> 30:22.532 [SPEAKER_01]: right so if you struggle with them like there's a real reason that like you can buy a feelings wheel right with all the feelings that you might be having on it because you were taught feelings in school as vocab right like sad happy maybe you grew up watching Mr. Rogers neighborhood where he talked a little bit about how to handle feelings but no one ever taught us how to 30:28.393 --> 30:34.477 [SPEAKER_01]: the effects of feelings or the effects of things that happen and how we feel about them. 30:34.858 --> 30:39.321 [SPEAKER_01]: So I think we're all starting from, I guess, behind the table, we're starting from a place of 30:40.839 --> 30:42.641 [SPEAKER_01]: you're doing some of these things for the first time. 30:42.921 --> 30:50.710 [SPEAKER_01]: So I want everyone to have a lot of compassion for themselves, even in a relationship when communication's not going well, even on dates, you're doing something hard. 30:51.230 --> 30:57.777 [SPEAKER_01]: And that's okay, it gets better with practice, much like being athletic and not, you know, you have to practice and you get good at it. 30:58.258 --> 31:02.082 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, so I think one of the things that I always try and rely on is 31:03.459 --> 31:11.550 [SPEAKER_01]: whatever you are communicating or talking about, even if it's not something you're sharing, I want you to identify how it makes you feel. 31:12.391 --> 31:19.681 [SPEAKER_01]: This is as much about kink as not, so say you want to try something kinky like bondage being tied up. 31:20.638 --> 31:23.759 [SPEAKER_01]: I would love before you talk to a partner about that. 31:24.200 --> 31:26.141 [SPEAKER_01]: Think, okay, why do I want to try it? 31:26.321 --> 31:28.922 [SPEAKER_01]: How do I think it's going to make me feel, right? 31:29.602 --> 31:31.603 [SPEAKER_01]: And I say that for a couple of reasons. 31:31.663 --> 31:38.666 [SPEAKER_01]: First, I want you to do that introspective work and think, okay, I want to be tied up because I think I would feel safe and held. 31:38.906 --> 31:40.007 [SPEAKER_01]: And that's something that 31:40.823 --> 31:41.463 [SPEAKER_01]: turns me on. 31:41.684 --> 31:44.185 [SPEAKER_01]: The feeling of being held makes me feel sexy. 31:44.625 --> 31:44.926 [SPEAKER_01]: Okay. 31:45.386 --> 31:48.208 [SPEAKER_01]: So do you see how I've gone through that stage of how would it make me feel? 31:48.308 --> 31:49.669 [SPEAKER_01]: Why do I even want to feel that way? 31:49.869 --> 31:51.650

[SPEAKER_01]: Oh, because it makes me feel sexy. 31:52.210 --> 31:58.014 [SPEAKER_01]: That way when you're bringing it to a partner, say, you're talking to someone who is the most vanilla, straight-edge person ever. 31:58.154 --> 32:05.238 [SPEAKER_01]: And they, they're not judging, but they don't understand how anyone would want to be tied up, because they're claustrophobic and that sounds terrifying to them, right? 32:05.719 --> 32:05.999 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. 32:06.419 --> 32:07.480 [SPEAKER_01]: It's helpful if you say, 32:08.000 --> 32:09.320 [SPEAKER_01]: I want to try bondage. 32:09.601 --> 32:17.743 [SPEAKER_01]: I would love for you to time me up because I think it would make me feel really safe and feeling safe feel sexy for me. 32:18.603 --> 32:28.086 [SPEAKER_01]: So do you see how you took it from it could have been a conversation of like, well, do you want to time me up and try these handcuffs to you're already making it sexy in their mind? 32:28.106 --> 32:31.887 [SPEAKER_01]: Because it's like, oh, I'm going to make her feel sexy by tying her up. 32:32.880 --> 32:39.466 [SPEAKER_01]: I just like to give that example as a really fun way to communicate a desire, and there are many desires. 32:39.526 --> 32:44.410 [SPEAKER_01]: Sometimes we desire to be like taken into a fancy restaurant or on an amazing date. 32:44.991 --> 32:53.639 [SPEAKER_01]: Like it's not just asking to do the thing, it's the desire behind it, the feeling you want to feel so that you're helping your partner get on the same page as you. 32:53.979 --> 32:54.740 [SPEAKER_00]: Does that make sense? 32:55.180 --> 32:56.261 [SPEAKER_00]: It totally does. 32:56.621 --> 33:06.429 [SPEAKER_00]: And I also imagine if this is the first time that you're flexing the skill, perhaps you might have a hard time getting in touch with what that feeling is. 33:06.449 --> 33:06.689 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. 33:06.709 --> 33:14.675 [SPEAKER_00]: You think you're going to feel like what advice do you have for that to like, what if you have this thought of, oh, I maybe I want to be tied up, but you're like, I don't know why. 33:15.296 --> 33:15.536 [SPEAKER_01]: Okay. 33:15.716 --> 33:21.741 [SPEAKER_01]: If we're starting, can we just like joke and they call it kindergarten level of like getting in touch with how you feel? 33:23.135 --> 33:26.258 [SPEAKER_01]: I suggest people do this in a non-threatening environment. 33:26.338 --> 33:35.567 [SPEAKER_01]: And my non-threatening, I mean, I think when we're talking vulnerability with a partner, it is way scarier than imagine just talking to a stranger you're never going to talk to again, right? 33:35.608 --> 33:40.032 [SPEAKER_01]: Like, that you can be open and honest with those people, but I'm not even asking you to do that. 33:40.813 --> 33:45.437 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm asking you to get in touch with your feelings by asking yourself how did that feel. 33:46.338 --> 33:56.082 [SPEAKER_01]: and you start at the grocery store at the bodega, like, at the gas station, you go in, you have your interaction, you pay for whatever it is you're buying, and you leave. 33:56.582 --> 34:03.305 [SPEAKER_01]: And as soon as you walk out the door, I want you to check yourself, scan your body, and think, how did that interaction make me feel? 34:04.105 --> 34:06.466 [SPEAKER_01]: Not what do I think of the person I interacted with? 34:06.606 --> 34:07.767 [SPEAKER_01]: What do I think of the interaction? 34:07.947 --> 34:09.007 [SPEAKER_01]: How did it make me feel? 34:09.268 --> 34:10.008 [SPEAKER_01]: So for example, 34:13.090 --> 34:15.351 [SPEAKER_01]: a soda and someone makes a joke with you, right? 34:15.391 --> 34:18.273 [SPEAKER_01]: And you laugh, don't think like, oh, they were nice. 34:18.393 --> 34:20.274 [SPEAKER_01]: Think, oh, they brighten my day. 34:20.334 --> 34:22.515 [SPEAKER_01]: They made me feel happier later. 34:24.056 --> 34:35.921 [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe they made me smile scan the effect they had on you versus how you felt about their interaction because that starts you scanning yourself for how you feel and you start new feelings come up that you've never named before. 34:38.163 --> 34:43.925 [SPEAKER_01]: Today, I was at Pickleball, and these girls were playing, and they didn't ask me to play with them, right? 34:44.005 --> 34:45.526 [SPEAKER_01]: And I felt a little bit rejected. 34:45.546 --> 34:46.266 [SPEAKER_01]: I was sad, right? 34:46.306 --> 34:49.708 [SPEAKER_01]: I even like, maybe tiered up a little bit because I'm in a new place, and, okay. 34:50.670 --> 34:52.171 [SPEAKER_01]: this has a purpose though, right? 34:52.972 --> 34:57.516 [SPEAKER_01]: I was getting agitated and upset and I was pissed off of the world, right? 34:57.716 --> 35:00.759 [SPEAKER_01]: But I had to go deep and think, what am I feeling right now? 35:00.919 --> 35:07.665 [SPEAKER_01]: And the answer was I'm feeling rejected and that took me back to childhood of feeling rejected and feeling weird, right? 35:08.365 --> 35:13.087 [SPEAKER_01]: So I just was able to scan what I was feeling, how I was outwardly appearing, right? 35:13.287 --> 35:17.849 [SPEAKER_01]: And how, and then I was able to action, game plan, how I was going to fix it. 35:18.189 --> 35:18.890 [SPEAKER_01]: Do you know what I mean? 35:19.030 --> 35:20.851 [SPEAKER_01]: And honestly, I waited for their game to be over. 35:20.931 --> 35:23.092 [SPEAKER_01]: And I said, hey, I'd love to get a girl's game going. 35:23.392 --> 35:25.233 [SPEAKER_01]: Do you all have time for one more? 35:25.353 --> 35:27.153 [SPEAKER_01]: And then we played four girls. 35:27.193 --> 35:37.098 [SPEAKER_01]: And I went from being excluded, to being included, yes, by including myself, but not from a place of, no, I want to be in of like, hey, I'm feeling like checking in with myself. 35:37.833 --> 35:39.894 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm giving that example because I'm still doing it today. 35:39.994 --> 35:53.223 [SPEAKER_01]: There's no amount of graduating

from this scanning that you can do, but you start, if I imagine, if I was sending you off to start now, I was like, oh, think about a time you feel rejected and scanned your body and see what's going on. 35:53.749 --> 36:02.759 [SPEAKER_01]: No, start with a positive or even like a semi-crapy interaction at Walmart, whatever it is and say, how did that make me feel and do the body skin? 36:03.279 --> 36:12.129 [SPEAKER_01]: So I use that as an introductory one because if you if that's easy for you, you're ready to talk to a partner if it's not easy for you. 36:12.970 --> 36:19.018 [SPEAKER_01]: You have some work to do and that's okay, you know, practice it a little bit more, but you'll you'll build that skill in one week. 36:19.259 --> 36:19.839 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm telling you. 36:20.000 --> 36:27.590 [SPEAKER_01]: So if you are starting a zero zero to one would be that if you're a natural at that and you're like, no, I'm really good at knowing and being in tune with myself. 36:28.351 --> 36:30.674 [SPEAKER_01]: Then you can start communicating to something to a partner. 36:31.234 --> 36:45.846 [SPEAKER_01]: And I would, again, not recommend it be something high stakes, like if it's about your bedroom life or your financial situation or something that you think could be quite contentious between either of you or maybe it's a hot button issue for you. 36:46.306 --> 36:50.369 [SPEAKER_01]: Start with something lesser, like, hey, can you close all the drawers in the kitchen? 36:50.650 --> 36:53.472 [SPEAKER_01]: You know, like when you leave the drawers open, I feel overwhelmed. 36:53.992 --> 37:01.739 [SPEAKER_01]: and if you could just close them, it would give me a feeling of calm in the kitchen, which would improve my day vastly. 37:02.199 --> 37:04.421 [SPEAKER_01]: So do you see how I'm like annoying issue? 37:04.521 --> 37:07.583 [SPEAKER_01]: How it's making me feel why changing it would make me feel better? 37:07.603 --> 37:10.766 [SPEAKER_01]: That's the process you go through. 37:10.866 --> 37:17.392 [SPEAKER_01]: And then you're ready to tackle maybe like, hey, you're missing my clip and if you could just move your finger here. 37:19.534 --> 37:23.422 [SPEAKER_01]: You you step up, you know, you're graduated not going straight. 37:23.442 --> 37:25.546 [SPEAKER_00]: You did so great with the drawers. 37:26.247 --> 37:27.670 [SPEAKER_00]: Now let's move on to something else. 37:34.040 --> 37:35.381 [SPEAKER_00]: Exactly, you're catching on. 37:35.401 --> 37:37.664 [SPEAKER_00]: If you've got this, you crush the drawers. 37:37.824 --> 37:38.885 [SPEAKER_00]: I know you can do this. 37:40.306 --> 37:41.247 [SPEAKER_01]: I am dying. 37:41.507 --> 37:52.959 [SPEAKER_00]: Oh my God, she has exactly, but I think what you're all serious is I think what you're saying really taps into, hopefully your partner wants you to feel the good things. 37:53.399 --> 37:53.740 [SPEAKER_01]: Yes. 37:53.800 --> 37:54.020 [SPEAKER_00]: Right. 37:54.080 --> 37:55.783 [SPEAKER_00]: And if, if not, that's like a whole other thing. 37:55.823 --> 37:57.045 [SPEAKER_01]: Let's tackle exactly. 37:57.145 --> 37:59.328 [SPEAKER_01]: And but this is also a good way to figure that out. 37:59.368 --> 38:06.399 [SPEAKER_01]: Like they hard and best to do meeting me where I'm at versus their very selfish and they're not going to try here. 38:07.842 --> 38:08.042 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. 38:09.050 --> 38:23.643 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, and and also the the graduated steps approach that you're talking about can make it so that you're like if they let's use your example of the drawers if they're immediate response is like absolutely not I don't care about the drawers. 38:24.544 --> 38:31.230 [SPEAKER_00]: Then you're like, oh, okay, maybe this is not a safe person to discuss a actual high stakes issue with and now what does that mean. 38:31.820 --> 38:33.841 [SPEAKER_01]: Oh my god, thank you for pointing that out, right? 38:33.881 --> 38:39.324 [SPEAKER_01]: Because oftentimes, I will ask people, oh, okay, I understand you're scared to bring this up with your wife. 38:39.364 --> 38:40.964 [SPEAKER_01]: How do they usually bring things? 38:41.024 --> 38:42.585 [SPEAKER_01]: How do they usually react, right? 38:43.025 --> 38:45.827 [SPEAKER_01]: And for some people, they haven't ever figured it out. 38:45.987 --> 38:48.348 [SPEAKER_01]: So they don't know if they're talking to a safe person or not. 38:48.948 --> 39:10.713 [SPEAKER_01]: In which case I feel like, oh, this might not be a safe person if they're not sure the person is open minded, but yeah, you can get through stages where both people are really hyper independent or avoid it to the point that they won't bring these things up and they just close the drawers for 10 years straight and then when it's time to bring up something real that really matters they haven't done those baby step versions. 39:10.753 --> 39:11.873 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, so excellent point. 39:13.374 --> 39:17.516 [SPEAKER_00]: So in that next kind of, in this framework, we're talking about, right? 39:17.556 --> 39:21.417 [SPEAKER_00]: So you make the opener of like, okay, I've identified how this thing would make me feel. 39:21.997 --> 39:25.739 [SPEAKER_00]: I've expressed, you know, I think it would make me feel really sexy if this thing. 39:25.859 --> 39:27.600 [SPEAKER_00]: Insert whatever that thing is. 39:28.900 --> 39:34.862 [SPEAKER_00]: Now, where are we going from there in terms of, let's now try the thing? 39:35.763 --> 39:36.003 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay. 39:37.457 --> 39:41.760 [SPEAKER_01]: I, one of the most common questions I get asked is how do I tell my partner about my king? 39:42.141 --> 39:44.803 [SPEAKER_01]: To the point, and I'm going to go through it with you, but I do want to flag. 39:45.443 --> 40:01.254 [SPEAKER_01]: What I'll be going through with you is something I have called, it's a, I provide a free worksheet, because I think that this information should be available to

everyone, called speaking your desires with confidence, and I would love to give you that link for your show notes, but it can also be found on my website, AmandaDames.com. 40:02.375 --> 40:03.015 [SPEAKER_01]: and amazing. 40:03.555 --> 40:09.338 [SPEAKER_01]: The first thing that I recommend people doing is let's not make it a one-directional conversation, right? 40:09.458 --> 40:15.780 [SPEAKER_01]: Like I think the best way to start it, I always say lead with curiosity end with gratitude. 40:16.900 --> 40:22.462 [SPEAKER_01]: Ask, hey, have you ever had any fantasies that you've been interested in exploring, right? 40:23.023 --> 40:25.143 [SPEAKER_01]: See if things have something they've never opened up about. 40:25.424 --> 40:26.164 [SPEAKER_01]: Nine times out of 10 40:29.612 --> 40:34.133 [SPEAKER_01]: But every once in a blue man, a client says, oh, yeah, it turns out they're really into this thing. 40:34.153 --> 40:35.033 [SPEAKER_01]: And I'm like, oh, great. 40:36.573 --> 40:42.934 [SPEAKER_01]: And if they do have something there in two, please, treat others as you want to be treated and ask them about it. 40:43.314 --> 40:44.075 [SPEAKER_01]: Get curious. 40:44.635 --> 40:46.675 [SPEAKER_01]: Don't just wait to talk and share yours. 40:47.355 --> 40:48.935 [SPEAKER_01]: Like find out more info. 40:49.035 --> 40:57.537 [SPEAKER_01]: You do the work of finding it out, but most of the time in this scenario, they're gonna say, no, and that's your opportunity to say, well, 40:58.537 --> 41:04.921 [SPEAKER_01]: I have something that I'd love to share with you and then ask for consent to share it and say do you mind if I tell you about it? 41:05.122 --> 41:09.564 [SPEAKER_01]: Because even though you've asked them, they haven't consented yet to you telling them. 41:09.584 --> 41:19.331 [SPEAKER_01]: So just get that by and also conversations are more open because if they say yes, it's a natural sales language thing too to just know that like okay, their defenses are down. 41:19.391 --> 41:23.634 [SPEAKER_01]: People like to say yes, she or he has said yes, and then you talk about it. 41:25.045 --> 41:31.635 [SPEAKER_01]: What I would say, what I suggest people do with this worksheet that I've been talking about is both people go off and fill it out. 41:31.755 --> 41:34.018 [SPEAKER_01]: And in that, I'm guiding you through. 41:34.038 --> 41:35.340 [SPEAKER_01]: There's prompts. 41:35.360 --> 41:38.024 [SPEAKER_01]: You can fill it out online or print it off. 41:38.525 --> 41:38.685 [SPEAKER_01]: But 41:40.067 --> 41:43.508 [SPEAKER_01]: it's figure out what you're interested in and how it makes you feel. 41:43.708 --> 41:49.110 [SPEAKER_01]: So I'm having couples do that separately so that they're both already getting in touch with their feelings. 41:49.370 --> 41:53.911 [SPEAKER_01]: I asked them to go through and think about their boundaries and how to think that they could incorporate this. 41:54.431 --> 41:57.832 [SPEAKER_01]: Then I tell them to come together and answer the worksheet together. 41:58.213 --> 42:00.913 [SPEAKER_01]: So a recommendation is do that first part yourself. 42:00.973 --> 42:02.494 [SPEAKER_01]: Just like, hey, do you have a fantasy? 42:02.654 --> 42:04.074 [SPEAKER_01]: I have when I'd love to tell you about it. 42:05.275 --> 42:06.835 [SPEAKER_01]: Are you willing to do this worksheet with me? 42:07.595 --> 42:09.136 [SPEAKER_01]: Doing the worksheet coming together and 42:10.835 --> 42:12.115 [SPEAKER_01]: Here's what actually happens. 42:12.436 --> 42:15.717 [SPEAKER_01]: I've already explained here how I talk about what I'm interested in. 42:15.757 --> 42:22.579 [SPEAKER_01]: I don't just start, I learned not to just say, hey, well, you spent me because spanking even means a lot of different things to different people. 42:23.219 --> 42:27.060 [SPEAKER_01]: And that's important note, like, please star this everyone. 42:28.601 --> 42:32.562 [SPEAKER_01]: One word means something to you, and it means something completely different to someone else. 42:32.922 --> 42:35.943 [SPEAKER_01]: So I told you, draw me a picture of a house. 42:36.927 --> 42:38.829 [SPEAKER_01]: you might draw a shack like thing. 42:38.849 --> 42:42.893 [SPEAKER_01]: Your partner might draw a mansion and then a third person might draw a doctor house. 42:43.273 --> 42:47.597 [SPEAKER_01]: The TV show, that like angry doctor, like, you know, that show. 42:47.998 --> 42:50.740 [SPEAKER_01]: Depending on what you think of when you think of house. 42:50.800 --> 42:56.406 [SPEAKER_01]: So be clear about what your words are and be prepared to explain. 42:56.466 --> 42:57.346 [SPEAKER_01]: Don't just use the word, 42:57.947 --> 42:58.828 [SPEAKER_01]: For example, spanking. 42:58.848 --> 43:01.611 [SPEAKER_01]: Some people think such is like one smack on the butt during sex. 43:01.651 --> 43:04.815 [SPEAKER_01]: And for me, I'm like, no, this is a 40 minute ordeal where I've been a bad girl. 43:04.835 --> 43:05.816 [SPEAKER_01]: You bend me over your knee. 43:06.217 --> 43:08.800 [SPEAKER_01]: Then you take down my panties and spank me some more. 43:08.900 --> 43:10.602 [SPEAKER_01]: And then that goes on for another 10 minutes. 43:11.363 --> 43:12.144 [SPEAKER_01]: Be clear about it. 43:12.624 --> 43:14.487 [SPEAKER_01]: So don't just say, oh, I want to be spanked. 43:14.887 --> 43:16.329 [SPEAKER_01]: You do that work to figure out. 43:16.509 --> 43:16.809 [SPEAKER_01]: Okay. 43:17.904 --> 43:19.845 [SPEAKER_01]: I know what I want to try. 43:19.865 --> 43:22.047 [SPEAKER_01]: I know I want to try it because of it. 43:22.187 --> 43:23.328 [SPEAKER_01]: How it makes me feel. 43:23.908 --> 43:29.351 [SPEAKER_01]: And I think that once I feel that, it's going to be fun, sexy, exciting, something like that. 43:29.591 --> 43:32.653 [SPEAKER_01]: You, so at the beginning of this podcast, I went through all of the words. 43:33.074 --> 43:36.316 [SPEAKER_01]: This is the time to put that into

action in sharing with your partner. 43:37.913 --> 43:44.158 [SPEAKER_01]: In order to start and try it, you have to know each other's boundaries, and you co-create a scene. 43:45.078 --> 43:48.041 [SPEAKER_01]: So once they understand it, once they're on board with trying it, 43:49.265 --> 44:09.660 [SPEAKER_01]: Then you start saying, well, what do you think about trying it with maybe you just put me over your knee and you start spanking or why don't we go to the sex store together and find some cuffs to try this with I want you to include your partner in the journey so that you are not fire hosting them with information or excitement. 44:10.060 --> 44:20.916 [SPEAKER_01]: And instead, you're bringing them with you to learn along with you by things with you, so they're not just feeling like they have to fulfill your desire, you're in this together from the beginning. 44:23.181 --> 44:32.945 [SPEAKER_00]: that I think that piece I can imagine being so important where like it's a totally different experience if your partner shares the maybe they want to try bondage. 44:32.965 --> 44:38.486 [SPEAKER_00]: Let's say and they're like and I'd love to go to the sex store and and look at handcuffs with you or look at rope or whatever it is. 44:38.506 --> 44:43.688 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know the terms but it's a whole thing that's right. 44:45.149 --> 44:48.110 [SPEAKER_00]: But it's a whole other thing if they're like and I already have all this stuff. 44:49.371 --> 44:50.091 [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you. 44:50.211 --> 45:06.317 [SPEAKER_01]: Yes, and that happens I would say that a lot of the a lot of my clients that I've worked with for coaching are 45 to 65 and what's usually happened is somewhere in their 30s 45:07.357 --> 45:08.338 [SPEAKER_01]: They brought it out. 45:08.418 --> 45:11.839 [SPEAKER_01]: They introduced to their partner, but not the way I just described. 45:12.440 --> 45:13.640 [SPEAKER_01]: It's the way you described. 45:13.700 --> 45:17.022 [SPEAKER_01]: They're like, I want to do this and here's a chastity cage. 45:17.442 --> 45:19.083 [SPEAKER_01]: And you know, that's a real example. 45:19.163 --> 45:24.205 [SPEAKER_01]: And that's an extreme thing to show someone who is not prepared to have a discussion about King. 45:24.465 --> 45:25.726 [SPEAKER_01]: That's why I want consent. 45:26.126 --> 45:28.587 [SPEAKER_01]: Like, hey, I have a fantasy, do you mind if I share it with you? 45:29.088 --> 45:31.289 [SPEAKER_01]: I have this thing that I bought. 45:31.349 --> 45:34.830 [SPEAKER_01]: And I'd like to show it to you, but I understand you're taking on a lot of 45:37.353 --> 45:55.770 [SPEAKER_01]: spoon feed people this stuff do not fire hose them with like the way exactly that you know it's so different to just be like and here are all the here are the thousands of dollars worth of equipment I bought over the last six years secretly let's like let's try it or will you try it with me that is a different conversation. 45:56.530 -->

46:00.014 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah I feel like a more pressure-filled conversation for that other person too. 46:01.402 --> 46:02.863 [SPEAKER_01]: Oh, so much pressure. 46:03.023 --> 46:06.505 [SPEAKER_01]: And sadly, sometimes it also leads to guilt. 46:06.825 --> 46:25.614 [SPEAKER_01]: Like I recently had a consultation call where I work with a lot of loving couples who love each other so much, but this one thing is it's, yeah, that's, I often call it the thing or the one thing because for so many couples, it's like, oh, it's all, okay, except for this, like this is a point of contention. 46:26.474 --> 46:48.801 [SPEAKER_01]: And the wife just kept expressing guilt, you know, she's like, I just feel so guilty that I can't be this and she didn't she wasn't forcing herself nor is it my job to force anyone She was just like and I I pointed out I don't want you to feel guilty right that's not fair to you either and you know I pointed out she's not the villain she was making herself out to be just because of guilt. 46:48.821 --> 46:52.462 [SPEAKER_01]: So it's pressure it's some people feel guilt and it's 46:54.342 --> 47:00.464 [SPEAKER_01]: It's a high-risk situation if you don't handle it well because emotions can run high. 47:00.864 --> 47:10.427 [SPEAKER_00]: On that note of emotions running high and like maybe you've made it through this conversation, we've gotten to the part where, okay, we've co-created the scene and we're going to try this out. 47:11.507 --> 47:17.528 [SPEAKER_00]: There's a word that comes up a lot when I hear about Kingkin BDSM and this whole thing aftercare. 47:18.589 --> 47:18.969 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. 47:19.902 --> 47:37.286 [SPEAKER_00]: And I think I have heard it almost exclusively applied in kinky or let's say types of situations, but I do actually think it is a more globally applicable conversation and theme. 47:37.406 --> 47:43.788 [SPEAKER_00]: And I would love to hear your take on aftercare and what it is and how it can be so important across the entire spectrum. 47:44.423 --> 47:59.057 [SPEAKER_01]: Yes, so the reason it's so common in kink and definitely needs to be in a kink space is because oftentimes you play in an imaginary world of roleplay and repair work needs to be done if you've been degrading someone and calling them names or 48:09.783 --> 48:15.908 [SPEAKER_01]: you have to come back down to a place of equilibrium before you go back out into the world. 48:17.029 --> 48:26.296 [SPEAKER_01]: Aftercare is a time to just reconnect with the person, not the role they were playing, not the scene you were in, but just connecting and being like, are you okay? 48:26.396 --> 48:30.459 [SPEAKER_01]: How was, like, that's even the feedback stage in that's after, but just checking that they're okay. 48:31.220 --> 48:49.777 [SPEAKER_01]: taking care of each other again, food and water, and the person who is in the more submissive state or taking direction or bottoming and receiving the person who had been tied up or spanked, whoever is on the receiving end is usually the one who gets cared for first because they may have gone through the more extreme range of emotions. 48:50.477 --> 49:02.802 [SPEAKER_01]: And then once they're in a good place, they should offer to do the same for the person who did the things for them, the top or the dom, and say like, okay, I'm feeling good, do you need anything like, do you need a hug or cuddles? 49:04.623 --> 49:10.885 [SPEAKER_01]: And aftercare is a conversation that we discussed before we get into a scene together or have anything happen. 49:10.925 --> 49:12.446 [SPEAKER_01]: It sort of like, okay, we're going to go through this. 49:12.946 --> 49:14.467 [SPEAKER_01]: What kind of aftercare do you like? 49:14.627 --> 49:16.448 [SPEAKER_01]: And I'm going to give a non-kinky example. 49:17.508 --> 49:22.131 [SPEAKER_01]: I think there's a huge debate over cuddling after sex, yes or no. 49:22.992 --> 49:29.136 [SPEAKER_01]: Cuddling is a type of after care because you've built bit through something together, but some people hate being touched afterwards. 49:29.396 --> 49:30.957 [SPEAKER_01]: So it has no, don't touch me. 49:31.057 --> 49:37.462 [SPEAKER_01]: Myself included, I'm 50, 50 and if someone asked me before sex and like, oh, do you cuddle after? 49:37.962 --> 49:40.464 [SPEAKER_01]: I'd say most of the time, yes, but every so often 49:45.915 --> 49:56.157 [SPEAKER_01]: non kinky sex that we should talk about before because you're risking imagine if you always need cuddles after sex and if you don't get cuddles you're gonna feel really rejected and used 49:56.730 --> 50:03.412 [SPEAKER_01]: you should be communicating that beforehand so that you're setting yourself up for success tomorrow, the day after, you know? 50:04.473 --> 50:18.458 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm so glad you brought that up because one of the reasons I asked you the question is that even though I typically hear that specific word in more of like a king conversation, I think it's so important to talk about across all types of intimacy 50:19.282 --> 50:21.423 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, like, oh, I can think of it completely. 50:22.263 --> 50:34.108 [SPEAKER_00]: I can think of another example that has come up with a client of mine where she is somebody who likes to sleep in her own bed and no matter what, like she likes to sleep in her own bed. 50:34.208 --> 50:35.969 [SPEAKER_00]: And that's just like the thing that she has. 50:36.990 --> 50:41.772 [SPEAKER_00]: And she now knows that she needs to communicate that to new partners. 50:42.937 --> 50:54.149 [SPEAKER_00]: before intimacy because a lot of people, if you are intimate and then that person wants to go home, or that person isn't cuddling like you said, that could be seen as a rejection. 50:54.290 --> 50:59.095 [SPEAKER_00]: I know I would interpret it that way as somebody who wants to be close and stay the night with someone. 50:59.829 --> 51:19.920 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I completely agree and for me the

aftercare I want no matter how intense the play is like and I'm the submissive usually But I want to be text the next day like I don't need a cuddle after I don't need a hug But if I don't get a text the next day I feel used even if it's a very caring partner and I've had people and I tell them 51:21.098 --> 51:38.819 [SPEAKER_01]: I need a text the next day and they might say, well, I'm going to be really busy I have this important presentation and I say then let's play another time because I don't think this is the right day and time and I know myself I've been playing this game long enough to know I will feel like shit and I will beat myself up the next day. 51:39.660 --> 51:43.442 [SPEAKER_01]: And it's nothing's worth that feeling to me, not even fun in the moment. 51:43.822 --> 51:49.224 [SPEAKER_01]: It's like, if you were going to have a guaranteed hangover the next day, would you drink? 51:49.524 --> 51:51.045 [SPEAKER_01]: Probably not, right? 51:51.525 --> 51:54.906 [SPEAKER_01]: So I know I'll have a guaranteed hangover, not real. 51:54.946 --> 51:59.308 [SPEAKER_01]: But like, if I don't get text the next day, so I'm like, I'm not going to engage in the play then. 51:59.328 --> 52:01.209 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm not going to drink if it's a guaranteed hangover. 52:02.309 --> 52:03.310 [SPEAKER_01]: And that's all knowing yourself. 52:06.789 --> 52:07.249 [SPEAKER_01]: for real. 52:07.550 --> 52:11.973 [SPEAKER_01]: So that's why and advocate for yourself, like don't shy away from it. 52:12.013 --> 52:17.937 [SPEAKER_01]: Don't think Mr. Wright is the guy who is not going to cuddle you, right? 52:17.977 --> 52:22.780 [SPEAKER_01]: Because if you feel cared for and loved by being cuddled after sex and he's like, I don't do that. 52:23.281 --> 52:24.662 [SPEAKER_01]: Okay, then I don't play with you. 52:25.482 --> 52:27.924 [SPEAKER_01]: Hard to do sometimes, but also is that simple? 52:29.425 --> 52:31.006 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, and it's it's simpler. 52:31.046 --> 52:33.488 [SPEAKER_00]: The earlier you have that conversation, I think, too. 52:34.888 --> 52:36.689 [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, I would agree with that. 52:36.989 --> 52:51.173 [SPEAKER_00]: It's, I think that I've gotten into so many situations myself, like especially in my 20s, where I spent a long time with someone not communicating how things were making me feel, and then it is so much harder to do it. 52:51.273 --> 52:54.434 [SPEAKER_00]: And the other person's like, well, wait a minute, what do you mean? 52:54.514 --> 52:55.855 [SPEAKER_00]: Like, this has been happening for months. 52:56.535 --> 53:05.419 [SPEAKER_01]: Oh my, and that, it's so easy to get caught up in that loop for sure, because and they don't know what's going on in your head, right? 53:05.439 --> 53:07.921 [SPEAKER_01]: So sometimes also, if you're changing it up. 53:08.754 --> 53:11.315 [SPEAKER_01]: Call it out, name it so that you're the one naming it. 53:11.415 --> 53:25.518 [SPEAKER_01]: Like, hey, I recognize I

haven't brought this up because it also just, I think it creates the foundation of the conversation of that person now, not that they would do it on purpose, but they don't get to say, well, it's been fine for months. 53:25.618 --> 53:29.399 [SPEAKER_01]: Like, you're acknowledging it's been fine for months and that you didn't raise it. 53:29.459 --> 53:33.080 [SPEAKER_01]: So it also doesn't get into a dirty blame game. 53:33.180 --> 53:36.080 [SPEAKER_01]: And again, I'm not saying it's dirty on purpose, 53:39.221 --> 53:43.104 [SPEAKER_01]: I think we, I'm going to tell you something else that I love about the King community. 53:44.125 --> 53:46.826 [SPEAKER_01]: After aftercare, you have feedback, right? 53:46.926 --> 53:49.348 [SPEAKER_01]: So it's sort of you ask, how was that for you? 53:49.528 --> 53:50.188 [SPEAKER_01]: What did you like? 53:50.268 --> 53:51.169 [SPEAKER_01]: What did you not like? 53:51.409 --> 53:53.110 [SPEAKER_01]: What could be better next time, right? 53:53.871 --> 53:56.593 [SPEAKER_01]: And you leave your ego at the door for that, right? 53:56.613 --> 54:02.677 [SPEAKER_01]: Because maybe the dominant is getting feedback that like, Hey, your aim sucked with that influence. 54:02.897 --> 54:04.498 [SPEAKER_01]: And you need to improve. 54:05.522 --> 54:24.096 [SPEAKER_01]: You want to say it more lovingly like that belt hit a little bit low a couple of times where that paddle or your hand and it didn't feel good so I would like that to improve your aim before we play again you want to say it nicer than that but you got to leave your ego at the door but it gets you in the habit of two things one. 54:24.896 --> 54:32.780 [SPEAKER_01]: you are getting rid of your own ego and just getting information and using it as a data point, but the other is you're getting better at communicating. 54:32.940 --> 54:41.605 [SPEAKER_01]: You're getting better at saying, I liked this, I didn't like that, and it becomes second nature so you're not bringing dread or the weirdest to the conversation. 54:42.694 --> 54:43.734 [SPEAKER_00]: And it's all practice, right? 54:43.754 --> 54:46.495 [SPEAKER_00]: Like you said before, yeah, it's all practice. 54:46.675 --> 54:49.296 [SPEAKER_01]: Ever, like yeah, there's no, because there's no final event. 54:49.456 --> 54:52.057 [SPEAKER_01]: There's also no, I mean, it might be a first round. 54:52.577 --> 54:54.938 [SPEAKER_01]: But then you keep practicing and you get better and better. 54:55.078 --> 55:03.901 [SPEAKER_01]: And sometimes it still gets weird or you fuck it up or you bring too much emotion to the conversation or your ego gets in the way, oh my god, my ego's gotten the way. 55:03.941 --> 55:06.641 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm a switch, I do both doming and subbing. 55:07.142 --> 55:11.363 [SPEAKER_01]: And sometimes I get feedback and I'm not gonna lie, it's not easy, you know? 55:11.883 --> 55:19.708 [SPEAKER_01]: I don't attack the person giving me the feedback, but let me tell you, it,

I carry the weight of that feedback for a long time, and that's not great either. 55:19.808 --> 55:25.351 [SPEAKER_01]: So you're just constantly learning to accept, take on data points, and not beat yourself up for information either. 55:25.371 --> 55:37.359 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I mean, there's so much we heat into Amanda, I could talk to you literally all day long, but I'm curious to know, sort of like enclosing for our listeners, if everyone took one 55:40.055 --> 55:42.969 [SPEAKER_00]: into their relationships, what do you think it should be? 55:45.225 --> 55:47.046 [SPEAKER_01]: consent and negotiation. 55:47.986 --> 55:52.888 [SPEAKER_01]: So often we take what we're given and we don't realize we get to change it. 55:52.928 --> 55:55.849 [SPEAKER_01]: And that's how you end up in those situations where something's happening for months. 55:56.669 --> 56:01.011 [SPEAKER_01]: And we forget we have the autonomy to say, hey, this isn't working for me. 56:01.251 --> 56:01.991 [SPEAKER_01]: I like you. 56:02.391 --> 56:03.392 [SPEAKER_01]: I want us to work. 56:03.592 --> 56:05.373 [SPEAKER_01]: This one piece isn't working. 56:05.753 --> 56:06.393 [SPEAKER_01]: Let's tweak it. 56:06.633 --> 56:07.733 [SPEAKER_01]: Let's work on it together. 56:08.174 --> 56:11.135 [SPEAKER_01]: And I think that's negotiation and consent because you 56:11.995 --> 56:23.662 [SPEAKER_01]: I always say the rules in King are consensual between adults and legal where you are, but if you didn't negotiate it explicitly, consent didn't happen, so you might just be being an asshole. 56:23.922 --> 56:26.364 [SPEAKER_01]: That's like my whole thing on King and how you do it. 56:27.064 --> 56:30.726 [SPEAKER_01]: And when it's okay, you have to negotiate with each other. 56:30.786 --> 56:31.487 [SPEAKER_01]: You have to 56:32.575 --> 56:37.860 [SPEAKER_01]: ask about each other's boundaries and figure out where you're both willing to go together in order to get consent. 56:37.940 --> 56:41.343 [SPEAKER_01]: And I think we all need to be doing that in our relationships in general. 56:41.944 --> 56:43.145 [SPEAKER_01]: Ask where you want to go together. 56:43.225 --> 56:44.386 [SPEAKER_01]: Like what's the goal here? 56:44.526 --> 56:45.888 [SPEAKER_01]: And then if they're not 56:47.062 --> 56:56.886 [SPEAKER_01]: If they're not aligned with your goals and where you want to be, that's just not someone you play with and whether that means you're not having a one-nightstand with them, you're not going on multiple dates with them. 56:57.386 --> 57:02.988 [SPEAKER_01]: Whatever it is, you have more power and control than you realize, so just speak about it. 57:03.808 --> 57:06.249 [SPEAKER_01]: That would be my like seal of, that's it. 57:07.538 --> 57:08.519 [SPEAKER_00]: I think that's perfect. 57:08.559 --> 57:17.989 [SPEAKER_00]: And I love especially the idea that it's not black and white and can evolve because that and that I think can honestly be the scariest part is like, well, what if I want this thing right now? 57:18.550 --> 57:21.553 [SPEAKER_00]: But then that evolves and changes and how do I communicate that? 57:21.593 --> 57:23.015 [SPEAKER_00]: I think that's sometimes even scarier. 57:23.990 --> 57:30.774 [SPEAKER_01]: Oh, oh yeah, and like listen, I'm sitting here as the kink consultant, but I'm also a human in a relationship, same thing. 57:30.914 --> 57:38.539 [SPEAKER_01]: I convinced myself nothing's ever going to change and that my relationship is the same and like I will go straight from zero to a hundred in my head. 57:38.659 --> 57:40.841 [SPEAKER_01]: And then I'll raise it with my partner and he'll be like, 57:41.933 --> 57:46.155 [SPEAKER_01]: Okay, well, that's where we are now, but it doesn't mean it's staying that way. 57:46.175 --> 57:48.356 [SPEAKER_01]: And I'm like, oh yeah, yeah, you're right. 57:48.757 --> 57:50.578 [SPEAKER_01]: We have time. 57:50.598 --> 57:56.161 [SPEAKER_01]: We're not moving house tomorrow, we need more time, but thanks for letting me know how you feel. 57:56.221 --> 57:58.842 [SPEAKER_01]: And he's very good at deescalating a situation. 57:58.942 --> 58:03.164 [SPEAKER_01]: So I can do all of these things in kink, but in relationship, it's still hard. 58:03.204 --> 58:09.408 [SPEAKER_01]: There's no one has it 100% right, not even my boyfriend who I'm obsessed with and think he's great. 58:09.508 --> 58:11.169 [SPEAKER_01]: Even he doesn't have it right all the time. 58:11.909 --> 58:13.210 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, no, no one does, really. 58:13.230 --> 58:16.591 [SPEAKER_00]: Well, Amanda, thank you so much. 58:17.091 --> 58:20.833 [SPEAKER_00]: I would love for you to let the listeners know where they can find more from you. 58:20.913 --> 58:23.154 [SPEAKER_00]: I know you mentioned your website and the worksheet already. 58:23.674 --> 58:27.456 [SPEAKER_01]: Yes, and I'd love to give you the link to the worksheet, so you can put that in the show notes. 58:27.496 --> 58:32.218 [SPEAKER_01]: But also, you can find me on Instagram at the Underscore King Consultant. 58:32.478 --> 58:35.199 [SPEAKER_01]: I mean, I should say, the Underscore King Consultant. 58:35.319 --> 58:38.020 [SPEAKER_01]: That's a really quick way to get daily doses of King. 58:38.541 --> 58:40.361 [SPEAKER_01]: And if you're interested in what real King 58:41.902 --> 58:52.945 [SPEAKER_01]: Please check out my podcast, the King Consultant podcast, where I talk to real couples living kinky dynamics and I talk about what it looks like for them and how they communicate with each other. 58:53.965 --> 58:54.465 [SPEAKER_00]: Amazing. 58:55.806 --> 58:56.926 [SPEAKER_00]: Well, thank you again. 58:56.946 --> 59:01.587 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm so excited for the listeners to hear this and the listeners we will talk next week.