Full Transcript for How Forgiveness Saved Our Marriage

so the king had thrown the servant into prison. 25 00:02:40,835 --> 00:02:41,085 Mm-hmm. 26 00:02:41,220 --> 00:02:42,990 Until he could repay that debt. 27 00:02:43,050 --> 00:02:46,530 And it says, so my heavenly father will do to you. 28 00:02:46,980 --> 00:02:55,800 What's kind of scary? But in some ways comforting is that the father will allow us to choose. 29 00:02:55,890 --> 00:03:02,280 And if we choose not to forgive, we essentially are put in a jail cell. 30 00:03:02,700 --> 00:03:05,100 But he gives us the key. 31 00:03:05,130 --> 00:03:06,690 He gives us the way out. 32 00:03:07,560 --> 00:03:07,830 Yeah. 33 00:03:07,830 --> 00:03:10,050 And so I want you to just think about the story. 34 00:03:10,050 --> 00:03:10,905 If you don't know the story. 35 00:03:11,610 --> 00:03:21,060 Uh, the story is that there was a king who is God and in this story, and the king had a servant that owed him millions of dollars. 36 00:03:21,060 --> 00:03:24,690 I I'm not gonna go back into the biblical numbers, but millions of dollars. 37 00:03:25,050 --> 00:03:33,720 And so the king decided to call his accounts and said to the guy that owed him millions of dollars, you owe me millions of dollars, pay it. 38 00:03:34,680 --> 00:03:38,610 And the guy proceeded to beg and say, please forgive me. 39 00:03:38,610 --> 00:03:39,960 I, there's no way I can pay it. 40 00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:40,050 And. 41 00:03:41,385 --> 00:03:46,935 And, uh, so the king had compassion and he said, okay, I completely wipe your debt clean. 42 00:03:48,285 --> 00:04:07,975 Then what happened was that guy that had the millions of dollars that he owed to the king went out and found a servant that owed him mere thousands, just pennies compared to what he owed, and he shook him and said, you need to pay me, and really tried to put this guy in prison because he couldn't pay him. 43 00:04:08,845 --> 00:04:13,825 And when the king found out, that's when he comes back and says, you evil servant. 44 00:04:13,855 --> 00:04:34,855 How could you do this? So when you think about people that have hurt you in your life, I want you to think about who are you in this story compared to them? Because that was a pivotal moment for me when I realized that the Heavenly Father has forgiven the debt of millions of dollars that I owe him for all the sin that I've committed in my life. 45 00:04:35,770 --> 00:04:42,610 And the person that hurts me owes me mere pennies compared to what I owe the father. 46 00:04:43,360 --> 00:04:49,720 And so we as believers have no choice but to forgive. 47 00:04:50,470 --> 00:05:03,430 Now, in our time together today, we're gonna talk about, how do we do that, first of all? I had to change my perspective and, and that was that I shouldn't have to forgive her when she wronged me. 48 00:05:04,240 --> 00:05:05,140 That's not right. 49 00:05:05,140 --> 00:05:06,430 And, and vice versa. 50 00:05:07,060 --> 00:05:18,910 And, and so here we were, we were

stuck in this conundrum because I put her in a spot where she had to forgive me, but she was like, well, I shouldn't have to do that, that I shouldn't have been put in this spot to begin with. 51 00:05:19,540 --> 00:05:25,615 And so that's the unfortunate part about, forgiveness is that we actually don't have a choice. 52 00:05:25,885 --> 00:05:27,745 We either forgive or we don't forgive. 53 00:05:27,955 --> 00:05:43,975 Whether or not the other person is sorry, whether the other, whether or not the other person truly understands how they've hurt us is actually irrelevant because the forgiveness that we give is actually, uh, to create freedom for ourselves. 54 00:05:44,035 --> 00:05:57,025 You wanna talk about that a little bit? Yeah, so it's that same concept of like, that, that, that God gives us a choice that we can, we can stay in unforgiveness, which is essentially, um, bondage. 55 00:05:57,025 --> 00:06:09,415 It's, it's essentially a prison cell and we can't move forward in, in a positive way until we choose to pick up that key, which that key is forgiving whatever wrong was done to you. 56 00:06:10,315 --> 00:06:15,685 Once we can say, I forgive you, we can actually walk out of that prison cell. 57 00:06:15,685 --> 00:06:18,325 It's like the shackles just fall right off of us. 58 00:06:18,415 --> 00:06:20,425 Um, but we have to make that choice. 59 00:06:20,425 --> 00:06:29,575 And I do want to clarify that forgiveness is not, you know, letting somebody get away with something. 60 00:06:29,575 --> 00:06:32,245 It's not justification for anything that happened. 61 00:06:32,245 --> 00:06:33,835 And it doesn't make you a doormat. 62 00:06:33,835 --> 00:06:36,835 It, it's a simple choice that. 63 00:06:37,180 --> 00:06:40,690 The individual makes for their own freedom. 64 00:06:40,930 --> 00:06:48,700 It's, it's not restitution or anything like that, but it, and it's not necessarily reconciliation either. 65 00:06:48,910 --> 00:06:57,670 It's simply about having your heart right with the Lord, because unforgiveness is a sin and. 66 00:06:58,945 --> 00:07:06,985 Honestly, it's an intentional sin because we, we know as believers, um, that, that God calls us to forgive. 67 00:07:06,985 --> 00:07:12,205 Jesus mentions, you know, forgiving 70 times seven, just constantly walking in forgiveness. 68 00:07:12,205 --> 00:07:16,375 It's a part of the path that, that, as a Christian, we're called to walk and it's hard. 69 00:07:16,375 --> 00:07:17,425 It's, it's not easy. 70 00:07:17,425 --> 00:07:18,865 It doesn't always feel good. 71 00:07:19,135 --> 00:07:24,595 And I do also wanna say on, on that note that forgiveness may not necessarily change the way you feel. 72 00:07:26,065 --> 00:07:27,175 At least not right away. 73 00:07:27,175 --> 00:07:27,775 It can. 74 00:07:28,150 --> 00:07:34,750 But it doesn't always, so we, we make the choice and we verbally express that choice. 75 00:07:34,750 --> 00:07:37,510 I forgive that

person or I forgive you. 76 00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:42,730 Um, just so that we are able to take those steps forward and move and move on. 77 00:07:43,030 --> 00:07:55,060 Yeah, and to that point, I think we need to remember that sometimes people hurt people on purpose, but nine times outta 10, I'm, I'm not trying to hurt her, I'm just. 78 00:07:55,720 --> 00:07:58,420 Doing something and it ends up hurting her. 79 00:07:58,780 --> 00:08:03,100 So hurts can either be real or perceived. 80 00:08:03,310 --> 00:08:06,070 And what I mean by that is, is I can hurt her on purpose. 81 00:08:06,070 --> 00:08:06,940 That's a real hurt. 82 00:08:07,600 --> 00:08:10,210 But I can also not intentionally hurt her. 83 00:08:10,780 --> 00:08:13,420 And now she's hurt, but I didn't do it on purpose. 84 00:08:13,720 --> 00:08:16,480 Does that diminish her hurt? Not at all. 85 00:08:16,600 --> 00:08:17,470 She's still hurt. 86 00:08:18,220 --> 00:08:20,260 And so for the sake of unity. 87 00:08:20,800 --> 00:08:30,430 Uh, one of the things that God's really challenged me on is who cares whether or not I did it on purpose? Who cares whether or not I'm right or wrong in this situation? It doesn't matter. 88 00:08:30,820 --> 00:08:43,900 If I'm concerned about having union with my wife, then I'm going to humble myself and care about her heart and not make it whether or not she should feel hurt or not, because that's some of the things we do well. 89 00:08:44,290 --> 00:08:46,210 I didn't try to hurt her so she shouldn't feel hurt. 90 00:08:46,240 --> 00:08:46,870 That's dumb. 91 00:08:47,320 --> 00:08:47,680 Well. 92 00:08:48,085 --> 00:08:58,915 That diminishes what she's feeling, right? So if I love her, I'm gonna set that to the side and say, I'd rather us win as a couple in love and unity with each other. 93 00:09:00,505 --> 00:09:02,995 I think it's important to seek forgiveness. 94 00:09:02,995 --> 00:09:09,175 If you're partner, child, you know, employee, anyone comes to you and says, Hey, I was hurt. 95 00:09:09,745 --> 00:09:13,645 Instead of going, well, you shouldn't be, or, or being defensive. 96 00:09:14,185 --> 00:09:21,715 It's a fantastic choice to just say, help me understand how I hurt you and then actually seek forgiveness. 97 00:09:21,715 --> 00:09:29,125 Would you forgive me? And I think there's something powerful about saying, would you forgive me? Versus, I'm sorry. 98 00:09:29,485 --> 00:09:37,510 I, um, I know with, with, um, parenting and our children, sometimes we, we tend to just go, oh, just say you're sorry, but then sorry, doesn't. 99 00:09:38,725 --> 00:09:40,735 Sorry, doesn't have the impact. 100 00:09:40,735 --> 00:09:40,795 Yeah. 101 00:09:40,915 --> 00:09:46,645 That asking intentionally for forgiveness has, you know, will you forgive me? Yeah. 102 00:09:46,705 --> 00:09:48,865 Is so much more powerful than, well, I'm sorry. 103 00:09:49,105 --> 00:09:56,965 Um, it's not snarky and it's, it's validating and honoring because you're saying, I, I recognize that I need to seek forgiveness. 104 00:09:57,385 --> 00:09:57,655 Yeah. 105 00:09:57,655 --> 00:10:00,565 And, and with all of that, just remember our. 106 00:10:00,955 --> 00:10:03,985 Um, first of all, she said it, unforgiveness is a sin. 107 00:10:04,045 --> 00:10:07,885 I was raised in the church, but nobody ever told me unforgiveness was a sin. 108 00:10:08,485 --> 00:10:17,605 And, and one day it, it, it, uh, through Eldon and Judy, I came to realize just how much bitterness I had in my heart because the unforgiveness becomes bitterness. 109 00:10:17,725 --> 00:10:29,935 But also remember this, um, if you can't forgive somebody or you, let's put even put it this way, you can, you just choose not to, if you're choosing not to forgive somebody. 110 00:10:30,550 --> 00:10:35,170 Then you're actually saying that Christ dying on the cross was pointless. 111 00:10:35,830 --> 00:10:53,080 And I know that's a really harsh statement to say, to say, but it's, it's true because if he died for everything then and he forgave us and we can't forgive somebody else, then we're diminishing his value of him dying on the cross for us. 112 00:10:54,550 --> 00:10:56,650 So Eldon and Judy had taught us that there's. 113 00:10:57,700 --> 00:10:59,380 They call them levels. 114 00:10:59,530 --> 00:11:07,900 I, I prefer to think of them as layers because one isn't necessarily deeper than the, than the other. 115 00:11:08,050 --> 00:11:16,750 Um, so whether you say levels or layers, the first one is simply choosing unforgiveness as your root. 116 00:11:16,990 --> 00:11:24,970 So if you're choosing to say, you know what, I, I just can't forgive that person, or even, I can't forgive myself. 117 00:11:25,540 --> 00:11:33,190 That, that is a conscious choice to stay within the, the bonds of sin. 118 00:11:33,460 --> 00:11:42,490 So that would be the first layer of, of the, um, choice to, to walk in unforgiveness. 119 00:11:42,640 --> 00:11:44,650 And so I just wanna point this out here. 120 00:11:44,650 --> 00:11:50,740 People who have said to me over the years, well, I can't until they apologize or I can't because I don't feel like. 121 00:11:51,145 --> 00:11:53,335 I can't feel that forgiveness. 122 00:11:53,785 --> 00:11:58,975 Um, forgiveness, according to Matthew 18, has nothing to do with how we feel. 123 00:11:59,185 --> 00:12:00,235 It's a choice. 124 00:12:00,265 --> 00:12:01,285 It's a statement. 125 00:12:01,615 --> 00:12:03,985 Jesus says, let your yes, be yes and your no be no. 126 00:12:03,985 --> 00:12:11,335 So when I say I forgive you, I'm putting into existence a statement that wipes the deck clean. 127 00:12:11,635 --> 00:12:19,465 Now, that does not mean though, that I've healed yet from that unforgiveness, uh, or from that hurt that that person has caused me. 128 00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:25,580 But by me communicating that, I'm actually creating the space for God to begin to

heal that. 129 00:12:25,580 --> 00:12:29,030 And we'll get into that a little bit later, but please hear that. 130 00:12:29,360 --> 00:12:35,990 I believe and if you can study scripture, um, you will see that forgiveness is a choice. 131 00:12:35,990 --> 00:12:41,000 It has nothing to do with whether or not we feel like we can forgive that person or whether or not they deserve it. 132 00:12:41,420 --> 00:12:42,410 It's irrelevant. 133 00:12:42,710 --> 00:12:43,550 It is irrelevant. 134 00:12:43,550 --> 00:12:46,520 And I do feel like there's a space to say you. 135 00:12:47,225 --> 00:12:49,415 You speak the forgiveness. 136 00:12:49,415 --> 00:12:52,955 It doesn't necessarily have to be to that person. 137 00:12:53,015 --> 00:12:57,095 And there are situations where it would be dangerous to be with that person. 138 00:12:57,335 --> 00:13:09,635 So just in your, in your quiet time, in your prayer time, or maybe with a, a trusted friend or advisor, just being able to speak that forgiveness is, is life giving and freeing. 139 00:13:09,635 --> 00:13:12,695 You don't necessarily have to speak it to that person. 140 00:13:13,455 --> 00:13:18,825 The important part to remember with all this is, um, let's say, um, I have a water glass here. 141 00:13:18,825 --> 00:13:28,485 Let's say this water glass is mine and Jill takes it, okay? Now I, I gave it to her in this case, but let's say she takes it. 142 00:13:29,055 --> 00:13:31,995 And so now she has the water glass that was mine. 143 00:13:33,045 --> 00:13:38,665 If even if it still has the same amount of water in it, if she says, I'm not giving that back to you, it's mine now. 144 00:13:39,675 --> 00:13:44,625 Well, what happens to that? Well, it's, she's taken it from me. 145 00:13:44,625 --> 00:13:48,255 She's taken something from me and that thing had value. 146 00:13:48,915 --> 00:13:49,995 But here's the problem. 147 00:13:50,145 --> 00:13:53,415 Let's say she decides to later give that back to me. 148 00:13:53,745 --> 00:13:53,925 Okay. 149 00:13:53,925 --> 00:13:55,215 She gives me the water back. 150 00:13:56,175 --> 00:14:01,755 Um, is this the same value as what she took? No. 151 00:14:02,085 --> 00:14:12,375 Because she took something from me and hurt me in the process so she could gimme 10 glasses of water and it still may never, never be enough to repay her taking that from me. 152 00:14:13,095 --> 00:14:19,365 And so at the end of the day, no matter how much somebody takes from us or hurts us, they could never repay it. 153 00:14:20,055 --> 00:14:23,865 And I think the same is true of, uh, Christ. 154 00:14:23,995 --> 00:14:26,215 We sin so much in our lifetimes. 155 00:14:26,305 --> 00:14:27,985 We could never repay that debt. 156 00:14:28,450 --> 00:14:32,650 So it's actually a release of the debt of saying you no longer owe this to me. 157 00:14:33,430 --> 00:14:52,090 And that's the important part to remember when we, when we forgive somebody, we're releasing the debt and that's where we give space for Jesus to come in and heal us because he is the healer and he really truly is the only one that can, uh, restore. 158 00:14:52,495 --> 00:14:58,885 What was broken or taken, and he binds up the broken hearts and, and that sort of thing too. 159 00:14:59,305 --> 00:15:11,395 So underneath that choice, let's say you choose not to forgive, that can lead into the next layer, which are judgments. 160 00:15:11,455 --> 00:15:13,675 And the Bible's really clear. 161 00:15:14,260 --> 00:15:17,440 That we are not to judge. 162 00:15:17,620 --> 00:15:19,360 God is the judge. 163 00:15:19,510 --> 00:15:23,770 He is the only one who is righteous enough to cast judgment. 164 00:15:24,070 --> 00:15:34,600 And so when we start to walk in judgments towards other people, we are actually attempting to do the job that only God can do. 165 00:15:35,740 --> 00:15:38,350 And so I want you guys to really think about this. 166 00:15:38,350 --> 00:15:41,440 So anytime you're critical towards somebody else. 167 00:15:41,860 --> 00:15:56,950 That is speaking out of unforgiveness towards them or maybe even past wounds that you've experienced that have now piled up and have actually, um, built up inside of you and so look at how critical you are of others. 168 00:15:57,220 --> 00:16:09,670 Uh, and say to yourself, okay, how judgmental am I? If you're judgemental, you're probably actually holding on to things that are, are unforgiveness that are actually holding you in bondage. 169 00:16:10,165 --> 00:16:20,770 And so this is a great way to start to tell, okay, how am I doing with this unforgiveness? And we just wanna give some examples because sometimes these are things that we don't even think about. 170 00:16:20,820 --> 00:16:29,820 They're, they're things that we might have been taught that are, that are lies or things that we have come to believe based on our experience in our life. 171 00:16:30,060 --> 00:16:37,920 So, um, for, uh, let's say a woman who was hurt, she may believe the statement that no man can be trusted. 172 00:16:38,315 --> 00:16:44,555 That's, that's a judgment and that's unforgiveness towards a man or men in general. 173 00:16:44,705 --> 00:16:48,305 Or I might say women always try to dominate or control me. 174 00:16:48,995 --> 00:16:49,865 That's a judgment. 175 00:16:50,315 --> 00:16:53,375 Or how about real men don't cry? We've heard that one. 176 00:16:53,945 --> 00:16:54,755 That's a judgment. 177 00:16:55,925 --> 00:17:07,235 Even when we look at authority, like, um, police or church authorities, if we've been hurt, like we, we say that, you know, the cops are jerks or, or. 178 00:17:07,935 --> 00:17:11,235 You know, pastors just don't understand, you know, things like that. 179 00:17:11,235 --> 00:17:21,345 Those are all judgements that can, can hold us in bondage and, and keep us from being honest about where we're at. 180 00:17:21,405 --> 00:17:27,135 And, um, even

respecting the authority that God has put in place. 181 00:17:27,165 --> 00:17:29,715 And this goes into our marriage too. 182 00:17:29,985 --> 00:17:40,185 I remember at one point in, in, in my life just feeling like, uh, Karl couldn't make any decisions and I was the decision maker and I had to do everything myself. 183 00:17:40,185 --> 00:17:47,265 And, and I didn't understand that and it was frustrating and so I, I, I had a judgment on him. 184 00:17:48,030 --> 00:17:52,740 Because I, I didn't feel like he was quote unquote being the man of the house. 185 00:17:52,740 --> 00:17:54,840 That's a judgment and that's unforgiveness. 186 00:17:54,840 --> 00:18:00,450 And we had to talk about that and work through it and, um, I had to seek his forgiveness for that. 187 00:18:00,750 --> 00:18:01,080 Yeah. 188 00:18:01,350 --> 00:18:01,710 Yeah. 189 00:18:02,130 --> 00:18:14,290 Or even things like when I, maybe I'm judgmental towards my wife and say, man, she's such an airhead, or what's her issue? Why is she so emotional today? That's all stuff that's me judging her and how God made her. 190 00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:16,960 It's my criticalness of her heart and her spirit. 191 00:18:17,560 --> 00:18:25,660 And we see this in our kids too when our, you know, children come home and, and they're like, that, that kid in my class is just so stupid. 192 00:18:25,660 --> 00:18:31,870 It's an experience that that've had that they need to forgive somebody for. 193 00:18:31,940 --> 00:18:33,500 I say to myself, Karl, you're an idiot. 194 00:18:34,595 --> 00:18:36,245 That's a judgment against myself. 195 00:18:36,275 --> 00:18:36,485 Yeah. 196 00:18:36,485 --> 00:18:37,985 It's, it's unforgiving. 197 00:18:38,075 --> 00:18:38,225 Yeah. 198 00:18:38,285 --> 00:18:41,105 It's not choosing to walk in forgiveness even towards yourself. 199 00:18:41,105 --> 00:18:49,625 And, you know, our experience has been that the, the people that we've shared this lesson with, the hardest thing is for somebody to forgive themselves. 200 00:18:49,705 --> 00:18:58,735 That's sad because then we can't truly live in, um, the identity even that, that God has given us. 201 00:18:58,740 --> 00:18:58,920 Yeah. 202 00:18:59,935 --> 00:19:01,555 We can also have judgments against God. 203 00:19:02,095 --> 00:19:03,655 You know, God doesn't really love me. 204 00:19:04,135 --> 00:19:06,565 He helped this other person, but he didn't heal me. 205 00:19:07,195 --> 00:19:16,655 Um, if God really loves me, then why do people die? Or why do bad things happen to good people? Those are all judgments against God, and ultimately they kill faith. 206 00:19:16,745 --> 00:19:24,395 Um, and they affect the filters through which we view God, and that limits his ability to move in our lives and other people's lives. 207 00:19:25,700 --> 00:19:45,575 When Karl and I teach this or share this lesson with, with people, one of the, the very first things we talk about is that we need to see truth as God knows truth and in his word, his, if his word is infallible it, that, then that means that everything in here is true. 208 00:19:45,785 --> 00:19:53,815 So when we say God doesn't love us, well that's, that's contrary to, you know, John for God so loved the world that he gave his son. 209 00:19:54,085 --> 00:19:57,775 So we need to begin to bring truth in. 210 00:19:58,065 --> 00:20:06,525 And hold it up against some of these statements that we make and these lies that we believe so that the light can come in and can set us free. 211 00:20:06,615 --> 00:20:12,495 Yeah, and recently I was realizing that sometimes the questions we ask God are actually the wrong questions. 212 00:20:12,705 --> 00:20:19,365 Like asking God, do you love me? Actually goes against what he says in scripture because he's already told me he loves me. 213 00:20:19,845 --> 00:20:24,270 So if I ask that question, I'm gonna hear silence because he's already said the answer. 214 00:20:25,235 --> 00:20:35,555 So I need to ask the question, how much do you love me God, or can you show me your love? That's a little different than do you love me? And so very, very important. 215 00:20:35,555 --> 00:20:37,685 I I recently, I've been learning a lot about that. 216 00:20:37,995 --> 00:20:48,405 One of the other things I wanna point out with this is Jill and I have walked countless couples through this and seeing immediate change in their relationships with their spouse and their family. 217 00:20:48,960 --> 00:21:02,130 Immediate, like that day there was breakthrough and release and restoration that happened, and Eldon and Judy in Seattle practiced this for years with people and they saw the same thing. 218 00:21:02,430 --> 00:21:04,620 I know it's very simple, it's very practical. 219 00:21:04,830 --> 00:21:12,390 But practicing this, putting this into, applying this to your life, putting this into action will change your relationships. 220 00:21:12,900 --> 00:21:13,530 Absolutely. 221 00:21:13,530 --> 00:21:13,860 It will. 222 00:21:14,130 --> 00:21:14,550 Yeah. 223 00:21:14,550 --> 00:21:14,560 Yeah. 224 00:21:15,270 --> 00:21:16,515 So underneath the. 225 00:21:17,295 --> 00:21:22,125 The layers of unforgiveness, not forgiving, and then going into judgments. 226 00:21:22,365 --> 00:21:26,985 The third layer, we'll call it, um, is revenge. 227 00:21:27,465 --> 00:21:31,185 And sometimes this is, this is interesting. 228 00:21:31,185 --> 00:21:34,605 This gets really interesting, especially, especially in the context of a marriage. 229 00:21:34,635 --> 00:21:41,415 'cause we do things and sometimes we call them boundaries or self-protection or, or whatever, but they're really not. 230 00:21:41,445 --> 00:21:43,575 They're actually revenge and. 231 00:21:44,020 --> 00:21:53,380 we wanna, we wanna just point out that, um, there are scriptures that talk about vengeance being exclusively God's. 232 00:21:53,650 --> 00:21:55,270 It's the same

thing with judgments. 233 00:21:55,270 --> 00:21:57,310 God is the only righteous judge. 234 00:21:57,370 --> 00:22:03,310 He's also the only one that's allowed to, um, have vengeance. 235 00:22:03,730 --> 00:22:08,740 And this can look as simple as, you know, giving your spouse a silent treatment. 236 00:22:08,800 --> 00:22:09,610 Yeah, that's punishment. 237 00:22:10,315 --> 00:22:13,045 And, and we don't think about it, but that's taking revenge. 238 00:22:13,105 --> 00:22:16,585 Oh, well if you're gonna talk to me like that, I'm just not gonna talk to you at all. 239 00:22:16,855 --> 00:22:20,815 Um, and, and those, that's a, that's unforgiveness in action. 240 00:22:21,085 --> 00:22:30,475 I'll never forget when I was in my early twenties, truck drivers would make me so mad on the road, mainly 'cause I had a lead foot and I wasn't, um, I, I didn't have patience. 241 00:22:30,475 --> 00:22:33,295 And so, um, if I came to a passing zone. 242 00:22:33,940 --> 00:22:36,280 Uh, I would pass them, especially if it was on a hill. 243 00:22:36,280 --> 00:22:41,770 And, and Jill, she's been so gracious with me over the years, this was not the right thing to do, and I repent of this. 244 00:22:41,770 --> 00:22:41,950 Okay. 245 00:22:41,950 --> 00:22:50,500 I've repented a long time ago, but I would get in front of them and then I'd slow down and make 'em go really slow up the hill and then I'd take off. 246 00:22:51,040 --> 00:22:53,110 Well, that's revenge, that's wrong. 247 00:22:53,380 --> 00:22:58,870 Um, and that wasn't even being a good steward or a good testimony to those people. 248 00:22:59,440 --> 00:23:01,990 And so revenge can be very, very simple too. 249 00:23:02,570 --> 00:23:06,860 When you call somebody an idiot on the highway when they cut you off, that's a judgment. 250 00:23:07,370 --> 00:23:09,590 And so, um, watch yourself. 251 00:23:09,620 --> 00:23:17,090 'cause it, you'll, what you'll see is you'll start to see 'em everywhere and then it's like, oh, this is like more prevalent in my life than I thought. 252 00:23:17,330 --> 00:23:18,050 Absolutely. 253 00:23:18,050 --> 00:23:24,140 And it does go into the, the scriptures that talk about God is, I think it's mostly in Psalms. 254 00:23:24,140 --> 00:23:25,670 God is so concerned. 255 00:23:26,285 --> 00:23:27,305 With our hearts. 256 00:23:27,305 --> 00:23:27,315 Yeah. 257 00:23:27,315 --> 00:23:31,715 With the conditions of our hearts, with the intents and the thoughts that we have. 258 00:23:31,805 --> 00:23:41,795 And so when we have these judgements or this desire for vengeance, we have to repent directly to God because it's a sin against him. 259 00:23:41,795 --> 00:23:44,195 We're trying to do his job or we're not designed to do. 260 00:23:44,945 --> 00:23:47,435 But it keeps us clean before the Lord. 261 00:23:47,435 --> 00:23:49,115 Lord, I am so sorry. 262 00:23:49,115 --> 00:23:54,725 I, you know, I, I, I had vengeance in my heart and I don't want that there. 263 00:23:54,725 --> 00:24:00,395 Lord, would you please pull that out and put your patience in there instead? We trade, we always trade out. 264 00:24:00,555 --> 00:24:01,305 Let's keep going. 265 00:24:02,775 --> 00:24:06,235 So underneath that we have something called inner vows. 266 00:24:06,645 --> 00:24:09,315 And this was life changing for me. 267 00:24:09,735 --> 00:24:18,705 It's, it's something that, that we don't think about, but the word of God talks about how our, our words are, um, active. 268 00:24:18,735 --> 00:24:20,505 They're, they're either life or death. 269 00:24:20,505 --> 00:24:22,485 The power of life or death is in the tongue. 270 00:24:22,725 --> 00:24:30,375 And so the things that we say have the ability to influence what happens to us. 271 00:24:30,555 --> 00:24:37,245 And so in our vows, we, we, um, we can read about this in Leviticus five, four through six. 272 00:24:37,695 --> 00:24:44,325 And it, it tells us that when we make an inner vow, it becomes a force. 273 00:24:44,325 --> 00:24:45,285 It's binding. 274 00:24:45,495 --> 00:24:46,095 It's binding. 275 00:24:46,095 --> 00:24:47,625 It's like putting handcuffs on it. 276 00:24:47,625 --> 00:24:49,815 It's really hard to do things in handcuffs. 277 00:24:50,175 --> 00:24:57,405 Um, but like an example of an inner vow would be, I'm never going to treat my kids like my parents treated me. 278 00:24:57,795 --> 00:24:59,715 I'm never gonna be like my mother. 279 00:24:59,715 --> 00:25:01,725 No one will ever do that to me again. 280 00:25:01,875 --> 00:25:15,630 So it's never or always statements that become our our vows that we make, and we are not supposed to make vows that are, that are flippant or flighty. 281 00:25:16,050 --> 00:25:18,270 Um, these, these are very serious. 282 00:25:18,360 --> 00:25:26,970 And the problem is this, is that whatever we say we're not going to become, we're actually putting that on ourselves to actually become that. 283 00:25:27,660 --> 00:25:35,575 So whatever you say you aren't going to do, um, actually runs the risk of you becoming that, especially when you do it in an absolute. 284 00:25:36,405 --> 00:25:42,915 Um, another example, uh, I'm gonna do whatever I want when I grow up, or I'm never going to cry again. 285 00:25:43,395 --> 00:25:44,775 I'm never gonna be without money. 286 00:25:45,315 --> 00:25:47,505 Uh, or I, you could even say it like this. 287 00:25:47,505 --> 00:25:51,315 I just decided that I would be different from my parents or from whoever. 288 00:25:51,945 --> 00:25:54,855 And so you, you actually end up becoming that. 289 00:25:54,855 --> 00:25:55,545 So please hear this. 290 00:25:56,265 --> 00:26:00,045 You don't want to become those things, but by saying it, you're actually becoming that. 291 00:26:00,915 --> 00:26:04,275 And this is true, even if you're trying to do it in good intentions. 292 00:26:04,455 --> 00:26:09,105 Like, I don't like the

sinfulness of this person over here, so I'm never gonna be like that. 293 00:26:09,735 --> 00:26:20,685 Um, they, you feel like that protects you from that past trauma, but it actually locks ourselves and our family, our future generations into the same behaviors. 294 00:26:21,210 --> 00:26:27,790 So maybe that's to, you know, a child of a divorced parent or an alcoholic abuser, complainers, negative Nancys. 295 00:26:28,120 --> 00:26:35,980 Um, if we vow not to be like that, even though that was a bad thing to begin with, it actually becomes who we are then. 296 00:26:36,970 --> 00:26:39,550 And we need to take responsibility for that. 297 00:26:39,550 --> 00:26:40,750 We need to repent of that. 298 00:26:40,750 --> 00:26:41,950 Lord, I'm so sorry. 299 00:26:42,355 --> 00:26:51,415 That I, well, um, an inner vow is typically also a judgment, you know, if I'm never gonna be like my parents, it's a judgment that they weren't what we thought they should be. 300 00:26:51,625 --> 00:26:51,715 Yeah. 301 00:26:51,775 --> 00:27:01,435 So we need to ask for forgiveness, for that judgment, for making the inner vow then also express the forgiveness towards that person to be truly set free from that. 302 00:27:01,615 --> 00:27:01,885 Yeah. 303 00:27:02,125 --> 00:27:02,425 Yeah. 304 00:27:02,815 --> 00:27:11,155 So the next one is dishonoring and it's really dishonoring other people around us, whether it's parents or a spouse or authority, and, um. 305 00:27:11,560 --> 00:27:18,400 God is really clear in scripture that he has put authority in place for a reason. 306 00:27:18,820 --> 00:27:25,330 And when we can't respect that authority, we're actually dishonoring God's choice to put that person in there. 307 00:27:25,600 --> 00:27:29,620 Even if we do something like, well, the IRS, they don't deserve my respect. 308 00:27:29,620 --> 00:27:34,660 Well, God has there, uh, scripture is very clear about that and so. 309 00:27:35,395 --> 00:27:43,975 So it doesn't tell us to honor, um, our father and mother if they act honorably or honor the IRS if they don't take too much money. 310 00:27:44,185 --> 00:27:48,475 It tells us to honor our father and mother, whoever, um, always. 311 00:27:48,535 --> 00:27:50,875 Um, and even if they don't act honorably. 312 00:27:51,595 --> 00:27:54,055 Um, and it, it is an attitude of the heart. 313 00:27:54,055 --> 00:27:58,465 We talked about that, that God is so concerned with our, with our hearts. 314 00:27:58,465 --> 00:28:04,520 And so this is another way that we position our hearts toward what the Lord would want. 315 00:28:04,760 --> 00:28:11,480 So we, we have this attitude of honor, and, and again, this does not make you a doormat. 316 00:28:11,480 --> 00:28:19,400 If you have an abusive, um, parent or family member, it does not mean that you tolerate that abuse. 317 00:28:19,400 --> 00:28:20,420 It is simply. 318 00:28:20,870 --> 00:28:33,230 That you are not going to hold them in unforgiveness or dishonor or judgements or inner vows that you are going to release them from whatever debt they may owe you. 319 00:28:33,590 --> 00:28:33,830 Yeah. 320 00:28:33,830 --> 00:28:37,370 And really, so the, we're talking about boundaries here. 321 00:28:37,550 --> 00:28:42,440 So a boundary is not something that creates distance to hurt the person. 322 00:28:42,860 --> 00:28:47,690 Um, it's something that you do to create mutual honor for each person. 323 00:28:48,050 --> 00:28:53,030 And so, um, you know, boundaries are a very healthy thing to have in any relationship. 324 00:28:53,690 --> 00:28:57,320 Um, it, the, the boundaries are different from this. 325 00:28:57,890 --> 00:29:05,180 And I think one of the most important pieces of a boundary that is often overlooked is that a boundary is typically communicated. 326 00:29:05,480 --> 00:29:05,660 Mm-hmm. 327 00:29:05,750 --> 00:29:17,390 And I think the, the habit has become to, of people to just set boundaries but not tell a person that that boundary is there. 328 00:29:17,750 --> 00:29:26,540 And so it's not creating a culture of honor, it's not creating a way for both parties to move forward and heal. 329 00:29:26,750 --> 00:29:30,860 It's, it's holding them again in, in, um, unforgiveness or whatever. 330 00:29:30,860 --> 00:29:32,840 So boundaries do take communication. 331 00:29:32,960 --> 00:29:33,230 Yeah. 332 00:29:33,530 --> 00:29:33,770 Yeah. 333 00:29:34,880 --> 00:29:37,310 The next level is dishonoring God. 334 00:29:37,640 --> 00:29:40,430 Um, and because all sin is against God. 335 00:29:41,105 --> 00:29:53,045 Holding our parents or spouse in unforgiveness or judgments or revenge is the same as saying, God, if I were you, I would not have given me these people, or I would've done this differently. 336 00:29:53,645 --> 00:29:58,865 And, and doing that, we're actually just dishonoring God because things don't happen to us. 337 00:29:58,865 --> 00:30:00,245 They happen for us. 338 00:30:00,395 --> 00:30:02,315 All things work together for good. 339 00:30:02,315 --> 00:30:02,375 Yeah. 340 00:30:02,795 --> 00:30:07,625 So when we question God, we're actually questioning his goodness. 341 00:30:07,685 --> 00:30:07,775 Mm-hmm. 342 00:30:08,195 --> 00:30:14,510 Um, and by this attitude we're really holding God in the judgment of, well God, if you were really God, you wouldn't do it this way. 343 00:30:14,540 --> 00:30:15,650 Yeah, that's wrong. 344 00:30:16,040 --> 00:30:16,370 Yeah. 345 00:30:16,610 --> 00:30:23,030 And you'll see the overlap in these, the, the dishonoring God is also, you know, stems from a judgment. 346 00:30:23,390 --> 00:30:26,870 Um, sometimes dishonoring God, you know, stems from an inner vow. 347 00:30:26,870 --> 00:30:33,500 They're all, um, interwoven with each other and, and they work together. 348 00:30:33,500 --> 00:30:39,635 If we have them, we, we need to undo their power. 349 00:30:39,815 --> 00:30:40,055

Yeah. 350 00:30:40,115 --> 00:31:04,175 Um, so we want to make sure that we repent of holding any of those types of unforgiveness and, and ask the Lord first and foremost, again, going back to God caring about the position of our heart to forgive us for the sin of unforgiveness, um, against him and then against the people that were holding hostage to unforgiveness. 351 00:31:04,265 --> 00:31:04,565 Yeah. 352 00:31:05,675 --> 00:31:09,650 So let's move into like, how you begin to forgive. 353 00:31:09,860 --> 00:31:16,190 Um, and, um, this is gonna feel like a lot of steps, but these steps are actually really, really important. 354 00:31:16,520 --> 00:31:18,650 And this is where the power of this happens. 355 00:31:18,650 --> 00:31:26,330 So, um, and I would challenge you, like to me, the biggest spot to look at is look at your judgments. 356 00:31:26,480 --> 00:31:28,580 Look at how you judge other people. 357 00:31:28,970 --> 00:31:32,480 When you look at your judgments, you'll see how much unforgiveness you have. 358 00:31:32,480 --> 00:31:35,810 And when you look at the judgments, look for the patterns in the judgments. 359 00:31:36,425 --> 00:31:50,675 If you're judgemental towards, um, men for example, or women, um, then maybe you have a wound that you've never forgiven somebody for, and your judgments are just spewing out from that. 360 00:31:50,675 --> 00:31:52,055 They're, they're cancerous. 361 00:31:52,325 --> 00:31:59,615 And so as we look at this, think about, okay, um, where, where are my judgments at? Because by the way you have them, I guarantee it. 362 00:31:59,615 --> 00:32:00,395 We all do. 363 00:32:00,875 --> 00:32:04,865 And, um, they just, they will run amuck of your life if you're not careful. 364 00:32:05,795 --> 00:32:12,845 I think one of the best ways to describe that is, um, it's like having a pair of glasses on that have a lens. 365 00:32:13,205 --> 00:32:13,385 Yeah. 366 00:32:13,510 --> 00:32:13,850 And so. 367 00:32:14,705 --> 00:32:22,775 If you have, say, unforgiveness in general towards men, anytime you interact with a man, that judgment is going to be there. 368 00:32:22,775 --> 00:32:25,775 It's going to influence how you see that person. 369 00:32:25,775 --> 00:32:28,265 It's going to influence how you respond. 370 00:32:28,415 --> 00:32:38,555 And so that's why it's so important to step into this opportunity that God provides to walk in forgiveness and release ourself from the anchor of sin. 371 00:32:39,095 --> 00:32:41,830 Yeah, and what'll happen when we sit down with a couple sometimes. 372 00:32:42,610 --> 00:32:49,240 Let's just use a man and a woman and, and the, the, the woman is upset at the man for something he did a long time ago. 373 00:32:49,850 --> 00:32:58,700 The guy's like, I, I, I want to be forgiven for that, but it just always comes up and, and he's like, I, I don't know how to be released from this. 374 00:32:59,030 --> 00:33:05,510 Oftentimes what happens is the

woman is really, really, really mad when we say to her. 375 00:33:06,080 --> 00:33:09,500 Um, you're holding your husband in unforgiveness. 376 00:33:10,400 --> 00:33:11,990 Well, I I shouldn't have to. 377 00:33:12,020 --> 00:33:15,110 Like, what? Wait, he's the one That's the problem. 378 00:33:15,740 --> 00:33:25,730 And so as we look at this, do not, do not, do not, do not cast this towards other people that you see doing this to you. 379 00:33:26,210 --> 00:33:28,040 You're responsible for your heart. 380 00:33:28,460 --> 00:33:31,970 I think of the verse, you know, you, we've been talking about what Jesus looks at. 381 00:33:32,210 --> 00:33:33,500 He looks, Jesus says. 382 00:33:33,875 --> 00:33:40,505 Uh, to the Pharisees, he says, you guys are so focused on the outside of the cup, clean the outside of the cup, make it look perfect. 383 00:33:40,835 --> 00:33:45,005 But I tell you, look at the inside of the cup and make sure the inside of the cup is clean. 384 00:33:45,005 --> 00:33:48,155 And that is exactly what he's talking about with our hearts. 385 00:33:48,695 --> 00:33:49,085 It is. 386 00:33:49,085 --> 00:33:53,345 And I think the important thing to remember is that we are only responsible for ourselves. 387 00:33:53,350 --> 00:33:53,510 Yeah. 388 00:33:53,705 --> 00:33:58,445 We can't change another person's heart or their actions or their behaviors. 389 00:33:58,445 --> 00:34:00,605 We're only able to choose. 390 00:34:00,980 --> 00:34:02,210 For ourselves. 391 00:34:02,240 --> 00:34:02,300 Yeah. 392 00:34:02,480 --> 00:34:06,770 And so that's what's, um, actually really cool. 393 00:34:06,770 --> 00:34:11,240 It's, it's a blessing to be able to go through this process. 394 00:34:11,420 --> 00:34:15,290 And we're gonna start, we're gonna read through these steps with you here. 395 00:34:15,450 --> 00:34:24,480 So step one is simply repenting of holding unforgiveness and asking the Lord to forgive you from that sin of unforgiveness. 396 00:34:24,660 --> 00:34:24,960 Yeah. 397 00:34:25,470 --> 00:34:31,800 And so if you have the unforgiveness, you're you're repenting for that even though the other person hurt you. 398 00:34:32,820 --> 00:34:34,830 That's the hard part about this. 399 00:34:35,130 --> 00:34:45,900 And number two is confessing the specific judgment you made against that other person who inflicted hurt or disappointment upon you, and you're asking God to forgive you for those judgments. 400 00:34:46,470 --> 00:34:49,170 And then you're gonna break the power in Jesus' name. 401 00:34:49,320 --> 00:34:52,950 You know, Jesus, Jesus' name has the authority to do this. 402 00:34:52,950 --> 00:34:55,500 So we, we, we say that in Jesus' name. 403 00:34:55,500 --> 00:35:06,660 I break the power of this judgment, um, the judgments that hold you in or hold your parents or your spouse or your child or anyone in authority. 404 00:35:07,110 --> 00:35:13,980 And then what is really powerful as well is

once you break the power of that, you're really a blessing on them. 405 00:35:14,760 --> 00:35:20,000 My, my husband here, Karl, was, was really, really hurt by, um, a business partner. 406 00:35:20,000 --> 00:35:20,090 Yeah. 407 00:35:20,450 --> 00:35:31,970 And he was just not able to move forward, like, anytime that person's name came up or, you know, the, the thought crossed his mind of, of, of what had happened. 408 00:35:32,000 --> 00:35:32,870 It just, it. 409 00:35:33,470 --> 00:35:35,030 It made him angry. 410 00:35:35,035 --> 00:35:37,220 It, it hurt his heart all over again. 411 00:35:37,220 --> 00:35:39,755 The disappointment, all of that was just there. 412 00:35:39,755 --> 00:35:44,720 And I felt that twinge every time I thought about that person, that little, ah, that little anxious twinge was there. 413 00:35:44,775 --> 00:35:45,795 This was Holy Spirit. 414 00:35:45,795 --> 00:35:46,755 Totally Holy Spirit. 415 00:35:46,785 --> 00:35:48,915 'cause I can't come up with the stuff on my own. 416 00:35:49,305 --> 00:35:57,225 I said, well, Karl, have you, have you blessed him? And, and I said, I remember that face. 417 00:35:57,785 --> 00:36:14,060 Oh, why was like, why would I do that? I said, why would I pray for, why would I pray to bless him like that? So basically I, um, and, and, and, and she saw my face and so it was clear that I was still struggling with releasing the debt. 418 00:36:14,060 --> 00:36:20,195 And she said, Karl, why don't you pray for God to bless him? More than he blesses you. 419 00:36:21,755 --> 00:36:25,775 And Romans 12:14 says, to bless those who curse us. 420 00:36:25,985 --> 00:36:29,075 And so I was like, you know, I was grumpy about it. 421 00:36:29,345 --> 00:36:30,935 So I'm driving up over the hill. 422 00:36:31,365 --> 00:36:38,835 We live close to a big body of water and at the top of this big mountain, you come up over and you see the water down. 423 00:36:38,835 --> 00:36:39,765 It's just beautiful. 424 00:36:40,305 --> 00:36:46,890 And I drive, drive up over that hill frequently and I was driving up over the hill one day and God said, Hey Karl, whatcha you gonna pray to bless that person. 425 00:36:48,300 --> 00:36:50,970 And I was like, you know, I was grumpy about it. 426 00:36:50,970 --> 00:36:59,670 And so each day, for about a week, every time I drove over there, God was like, Hey, when are you gonna pray? Hey, when are you gonna pray? So finally I made an agreement with God. 427 00:36:59,670 --> 00:37:05,970 I said, God, when I cross over this bridge at the bottom of the hill, I'm going to pray for you to bless that person. 428 00:37:06,930 --> 00:37:09,750 First day I came up over, I realized, I was like, oh. 429 00:37:09,780 --> 00:37:11,010 I said I was gonna do that. 430 00:37:11,370 --> 00:37:13,680 So I started and I, the first day was really hard. 431 00:37:13,680 --> 00:37:15,450 I was like, Lord, bless them. 432 00:37:15,735 --> 00:37:20,535 Like I, I

had no, no like, um, energy in it. 433 00:37:20,535 --> 00:37:22,005 It was so hard to say. 434 00:37:22,795 --> 00:37:32,425 But as I did it over several, uh, several weeks, um, by the end, um, I was really, truly praying for God to bless them. 435 00:37:32,425 --> 00:37:34,315 I wanted God to bless that person. 436 00:37:35,245 --> 00:37:39,835 And then I forgot about it, which I was like, oh, okay. 437 00:37:39,835 --> 00:37:42,595 And a week later I was like, oh, I forgot to pray. 438 00:37:42,775 --> 00:37:49,255 What I realized in that moment was I no longer had that anxious feeling in my heart towards that person anymore. 439 00:37:49,315 --> 00:37:53,005 It was gone, so I forgot about it because it was healed. 440 00:37:53,005 --> 00:38:00,985 It no longer needed to be dealt with, and God and I had dealt with it through me praying blessings on that person because of my wife's challenge to me. 441 00:38:01,405 --> 00:38:01,645 Yeah. 442 00:38:01,650 --> 00:38:01,790 Yeah. 443 00:38:03,490 --> 00:38:11,650 So the next step after that would be to confess and repent of any revenge that you've had in thought in attitude. 444 00:38:12,370 --> 00:38:13,390 And in action. 445 00:38:13,660 --> 00:38:17,980 And again, we ask God to reverse that curse of revenge. 446 00:38:18,190 --> 00:38:21,190 We want God to change that. 447 00:38:21,370 --> 00:38:24,520 Um, I heard it said one time that, that God always trades up. 448 00:38:24,520 --> 00:38:26,710 He gives us beauty for ashes. 449 00:38:27,020 --> 00:38:29,510 The oil of gladness instead of our mourning. 450 00:38:29,510 --> 00:38:30,620 He always trades. 451 00:38:31,430 --> 00:38:52,980 And so we want to repent of any revenge that we may have taken, or even just the thoughts that we've had or the attitudes and ask again, go back and say, God, will you bless this person? Looking at inner vows, were there inner vows that you made towards this person or about this situation and you wanna break them off in Jesus name, ask God to forgive you. 452 00:38:53,320 --> 00:39:00,290 Confess that to him and, really lay them out before the Lord so that um, you and others can be released from them. 453 00:39:01,280 --> 00:39:09,500 And we do this so that the light comes to those dark places that, you know, darkness is simply the absence of light. 454 00:39:09,500 --> 00:39:21,260 And so when we bring light onto any ways that we have, um, had unforgiveness or dishonor or any of this stuff, it, it brings it to light. 455 00:39:21,440 --> 00:39:34,610 So after you confess for those inner vows, you would confess and repent of the sin, of dishonor, dishonoring your parents, your spouse, any authority and, and honestly of dishonoring God. 456 00:39:34,610 --> 00:39:37,700 Because anytime that we sin, we dishonor God. 457 00:39:38,120 --> 00:39:38,240 Mm-hmm. 458 00:39:38,480 --> 00:39:42,380 So we confess for all of that, and then we take authority. 459 00:39:42,380 --> 00:39:43,910 We have the authority. 460 00:39:44,405 --> 00:39:47,585 To ask Jesus to come into those places. 461 00:39:47,585 --> 00:39:50,795 So we take authority over any bitter roots that have developed. 462 00:39:50,795 --> 00:39:59,165 We ask the Lord to pull out those roots that have developed as a result of the unforgiveness or resentment or anything like that. 463 00:39:59,435 --> 00:40:04,445 We ask him to come in and cleanse that and bind up our brokenness. 464 00:40:04,655 --> 00:40:04,805 Yeah. 465 00:40:04,805 --> 00:40:11,255 So what's happening here is you're confessing and repenting, and so you're pushing that junk out. 466 00:40:12,005 --> 00:40:15,815 But what's happening is it's actually leaving an empty spot in your heart. 467 00:40:16,325 --> 00:40:23,225 And so we're gonna cover that in a moment here as to how you put God's, um, truth into that spot. 468 00:40:23,645 --> 00:40:29,405 Um, but before you do that, there's a, a, a moment of surrender, releasing the hurt to Jesus. 469 00:40:29,525 --> 00:40:31,775 You know, he already carried everything for us. 470 00:40:31,775 --> 00:40:36,200 And so um, what we do is we surrender it to him. 471 00:40:36,380 --> 00:40:45,680 I sometimes during worship, will literally think about the thing that I need to give to the Lord and, and just sing it outta my hands into his throne room. 472 00:40:46,250 --> 00:40:50,720 Um, however you do it, release it, let it go, and, uh. 473 00:40:51,275 --> 00:40:53,435 Now the next part is, I know one of your favorite parts. 474 00:40:53,435 --> 00:40:58,505 So it is one of my favorite parts because this is something that, that Alvin and Judy did teach us to do. 475 00:40:58,895 --> 00:41:03,755 And we had talked earlier about how, I'm sorry, doesn't really fix things. 476 00:41:03,875 --> 00:41:03,995 Yeah. 477 00:41:04,205 --> 00:41:07,685 And there's a verse in James. 478 00:41:07,685 --> 00:41:10,475 It's James 5: 16, and I'm gonna read it here. 479 00:41:10,505 --> 00:41:12,035 I have my Bible in front of me. 480 00:41:12,035 --> 00:41:13,055 So if you'll just give me. 481 00:41:13,865 --> 00:41:17,195 Confess your, I want to, I want to quote it 'cause I know it, but go ahead. 482 00:41:17,195 --> 00:41:17,555 Okay. 483 00:41:17,795 --> 00:41:24,695 It says, therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another that you may be healed. 484 00:41:24,935 --> 00:41:29,165 The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it's working. 485 00:41:29,615 --> 00:41:42,360 So again, if we go back to truth, as God knows truth, if his word is true, when we do this, it says the, the prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working, so this is gonna work. 486 00:41:43,145 --> 00:41:44,825 And that's the really good news, and it's exciting. 487 00:41:44,825 --> 00:41:45,515 It's gonna work. 488 00:41:45,785 --> 00:41:55,985 But one of the things that that really changed our marriage and brought a new level of

intimacy and vulnerability was to actually practice this. 489 00:41:56,225 --> 00:42:03,095 So it says, pray for the heart of the one that you heard to healed from the effects of your sin. 490 00:42:03,275 --> 00:42:05,825 Because when Karl hurts me or I hurt him. 491 00:42:06,770 --> 00:42:08,780 We, we literally can't fix that. 492 00:42:08,810 --> 00:42:10,010 We are powerless. 493 00:42:10,010 --> 00:42:11,480 But Jesus can fix that. 494 00:42:11,480 --> 00:42:13,130 He binds up the broken hearted. 495 00:42:13,430 --> 00:42:18,590 So what we do is we actually, typically, we stand up where we at least turn to each other. 496 00:42:18,830 --> 00:42:28,550 And what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna actually put my hand on his heart, and I'm gonna pray for Jesus to heal the effects of my sin against my husband. 497 00:42:28,610 --> 00:42:33,170 And so ultimately what she's doing is she's replacing the junk with God's goodness. 498 00:42:33,830 --> 00:42:37,220 And she prays that over me and I do the same with her. 499 00:42:37,520 --> 00:42:42,590 And we've seen other couples do this as well, and it's changed their marriage. 500 00:42:42,670 --> 00:42:45,610 Now one thing I wanna point about, point out about the James 5: 16. 501 00:42:45,940 --> 00:42:47,500 I memorized that when I was a kid. 502 00:42:47,560 --> 00:42:58,300 Like I remember this first, and I always thought that it was about physical healing, but if you look at it, it says, confess your sins to each other and pray for each other that you may be healed. 503 00:42:58,300 --> 00:43:03,910 It's not talking about physical healing, it's talking about emotional healing inside of the person, heart healing. 504 00:43:04,600 --> 00:43:15,160 And so when we pray for that, we're actually, God's given us the authority to bring healing and restoration in that moment through those prayers. 505 00:43:15,580 --> 00:43:24,760 And the side effect of this, it's a really good side effect, is that when you are able to do that, especially with your spouse, it's like all the defense is dropped. 506 00:43:25,005 --> 00:43:25,245 Mm-hmm. 507 00:43:25,330 --> 00:43:28,090 Their defenses drop yours, yours drop. 508 00:43:28,150 --> 00:43:29,080 And there's it. 509 00:43:29,080 --> 00:43:34,540 It's almost like you get to see each other in a, in a new way each time that you do this. 510 00:43:34,540 --> 00:43:46,840 And we've found that for ourselves and for the couples that actually, um, implement this, it's, it changes the effect of the apology. 511 00:43:46,900 --> 00:43:46,960 Yeah. 512 00:43:47,260 --> 00:43:48,100 For good. 513 00:43:48,190 --> 00:43:55,000 And, and it, it's magnified or amplified in, in very real and tangible ways. 514 00:43:55,060 --> 00:44:06,400 And it also, I think you can correct me if I'm wrong on this, um, it also produces a hesitancy to be quick to hurt someone again. 515 00:44:06,450 --> 00:44:07,170 I agree with that. 516 00:44:07,230 --> 00:44:21,210 Um, you know, we wanna be more and more Christlike in all of our actions we should be trying to limit the, uh, bad fruit, uh, or limit the things that happen with our tongue that, that hurt others. 517 00:44:21,210 --> 00:44:27,600 So, yeah, and often when we pray for each other, we'll, we'll put something. 518 00:44:27,600 --> 00:44:43,440 So there, there's a scripture, I believe it's in Matthew as well, that talks about how, um there, there's a house and it, it gets filled with unholy things and those unholy things are cast out, but nothing was done to secure the house. 519 00:44:43,440 --> 00:44:46,860 And so the, the unholy things come back in. 520 00:44:46,860 --> 00:44:46,920 Yeah. 521 00:44:47,070 --> 00:44:50,340 And so what we wanna do when we're praying for each other to be healed. 522 00:44:50,700 --> 00:44:52,980 Is to put something good in. 523 00:44:53,220 --> 00:44:57,960 So yeah, if I pray for Karl and I, I, you know, I acknowledge that I hurt him. 524 00:44:57,960 --> 00:45:00,810 I asked Jesus to come in and bind up his broken heart. 525 00:45:01,110 --> 00:45:06,120 I will also typically ask for Jesus to put typically a fruit of the Spirit in there. 526 00:45:06,120 --> 00:45:16,900 Lord, would you replace this hurt with your joy or peace that is his strength or your peace that guards his heart? Whatever the Lord tells me to put in there. 527 00:45:16,950 --> 00:45:26,850 I will typically pray something from his word into that space so that there's, um, a holy seed there that can grow. 528 00:45:26,910 --> 00:45:27,000 Mm-hmm. 529 00:45:28,110 --> 00:45:34,170 And then the, the final step in prayer, the most important is really very similar to praying for God to bless that person. 530 00:45:34,170 --> 00:45:42,780 And that is just asking the Lord to fill you with his love for that person who hurt or abused or disappointed you or whatever they did to wrong you. 531 00:45:43,260 --> 00:45:48,030 Um, you ask Christ to give you his love for that person because he loves them very much. 532 00:45:48,660 --> 00:45:57,930 And as you think about all this, I just really wanna point out that what happens with our unforgiveness is that it, Jill was talking about this, it changes our lenses for that person. 533 00:45:58,290 --> 00:46:05,490 And her and I both have seen scenarios where it doesn't matter what that person says, they're wrong to the other person. 534 00:46:05,490 --> 00:46:07,350 Like it, there's, there's. 535 00:46:08,160 --> 00:46:15,960 That person can only do wrong even though the person's trying with all their might to do right and that's what the unforgiveness does. 536 00:46:16,230 --> 00:46:19,440 And so it, it, it really ruins the relationship. 537 00:46:19,590 --> 00:46:20,970 And this was the beginning. 538 00:46:21,300 --> 00:46:34,410 Her and I being able to forgive past wounds towards each other, towards, towards family members, uh, towards anybody in our lives actually started to create new

pathways of freedom that we never saw before. 539 00:46:34,920 --> 00:46:42,075 And so the forgiveness is one of the foundational elements that I think the whole church needs to practice. 540 00:46:42,075 --> 00:46:53,835 You watch now that we've pointed out these judgements and stuff like that, you'll see other people struggling with unforgiveness and this is your opportunity to walk them through this process and create freedom for them. 541 00:46:56,005 --> 00:46:59,165 So Jill and I were fighting like cats and dogs. 542 00:46:59,225 --> 00:47:01,775 Uh, we had been married maybe 15 years at this point. 543 00:47:01,775 --> 00:47:04,020 And, um, there was really no reason, like. 544 00:47:05,300 --> 00:47:09,470 Um, I wasn't being dumb and she wasn't being dumb. 545 00:47:09,470 --> 00:47:12,530 Well, I was being dumb, but here you'll hear why here. 546 00:47:12,580 --> 00:47:22,090 So I was reading the, the book How to Win Friends and Influence People, and the first chapter was all about being critical of others and how nobody ever wants to be criticized. 547 00:47:22,090 --> 00:47:22,840 People don't like it. 548 00:47:23,560 --> 00:47:26,500 And so I'm reading the book and I was like, man, if Jill wouldn't be so critical of me. 549 00:47:26,670 --> 00:47:26,680 Okay. 550 00:47:27,355 --> 00:47:30,175 And there's like, I got zapped by the Holy Spirit. 551 00:47:30,175 --> 00:47:31,765 I was like, oh crap. 552 00:47:31,795 --> 00:47:33,805 I was just critical of her being critical. 553 00:47:33,805 --> 00:47:38,545 I don't know if you picked that up, if you didn't, uh, pay attention because you might have a critical lens. 554 00:47:39,055 --> 00:47:41,155 So I was being critical of her being critical. 555 00:47:41,575 --> 00:47:51,775 So we were getting ready to go to church, and church get, I mean, I don't know if you can relate to this, but going to church with four young kids can create a lot of tension and usually criticalness comes out. 556 00:47:52,045 --> 00:48:01,165 Why aren't you ready? Like, I'll never forget the one time one of our children, uh, got in the car, we're halfway up the road and we realized they had no shoes. 557 00:48:01,225 --> 00:48:05,785 So my criticalness comes out during, on the way to church. 558 00:48:06,235 --> 00:48:10,345 Um, and so here we are, we're, um, getting into the car. 559 00:48:10,345 --> 00:48:13,945 And I said to Jilll, I was like, you know, I realize that I've been very critical of you. 560 00:48:14,680 --> 00:48:20,230 And I'm no longer going to speak anything critical, uh, towards you or the kids. 561 00:48:20,470 --> 00:48:21,700 And she's like, eh, whatever. 562 00:48:21,700 --> 00:48:24,760 I, I remember she kind of, uh, I didn't believe him. 563 00:48:24,765 --> 00:48:24,995 Yeah. 564 00:48:25,155 --> 00:48:25,165 Yeah. 565 00:48:25,165 --> 00:48:26,560 She didn't believe that I could do it. 566 00:48:26,860 --> 00:48:27,970 And man, it was hard. 567 00:48:28,000 --> 00:48:35,800 I really like, I bit my tongue time and time again, but about two weeks later she came back to me and she's like, I really like that. 568 00:48:36,190 --> 00:48:37,660 Uh, I'm gonna do that too. 569 00:48:38,470 --> 00:48:42,970 And so my criticalness of her not wanting her to be critical of me. 570 00:48:43,270 --> 00:48:47,290 When we were both being critical of each other, one of us had to change it. 571 00:48:47,710 --> 00:48:52,450 And as we changed it, it freed up the space for the other person to also see it and change it. 572 00:48:53,080 --> 00:48:55,750 Now, that didn't heal my heart. 573 00:48:55,960 --> 00:48:59,380 I had unforgiveness, I had judgments, I had a lot of things in my heart. 574 00:48:59,680 --> 00:49:02,470 I were causing the criticalness to come out. 575 00:49:03,010 --> 00:49:10,690 Um, but me doing that began to shift the, the future of our relationship just by that one small, simple change. 576 00:49:11,290 --> 00:49:12,100 Yeah, absolutely. 577 00:49:12,100 --> 00:49:19,450 It's um, I think there's a book called, is it Love and Respect that talks about the Crazy Cycle. 578 00:49:19,450 --> 00:49:19,595 The Crazy Cycle. 579 00:49:19,595 --> 00:49:19,835 Yeah. 580 00:49:20,020 --> 00:49:28,540 And what Karl did was he broke our crazy cycle and there's, there's a lot, most people have multiple crazy cycles. 581 00:49:28,750 --> 00:49:28,810 Yeah. 582 00:49:28,840 --> 00:49:32,200 But we've eliminated that one. 583 00:49:32,290 --> 00:49:33,790 I just have a crazy for you Cycle. 584 00:49:33,805 --> 00:49:35,245 Aw, you're so sweet. 585 00:49:36,295 --> 00:49:47,665 But we eliminated that crazy cycle, which allowed us to bring back unity and minimize our fighting and, and, and frustrations with each other and, and begin the process of reconnecting. 586 00:49:47,665 --> 00:49:52,195 So that's what choosing forgiveness can do. 587 00:49:52,555 --> 00:49:59,545 Yeah, and ultimately what the forgiveness did was it enabled me to start to experience the love of Christ in my life. 588 00:49:59,785 --> 00:50:02,875 And in doing that, it began to heal my identity as a person. 589 00:50:03,725 --> 00:50:11,105 Out of that, now we're, we're able to have those hard conversations because we're not so weak in our own identity. 590 00:50:11,105 --> 00:50:14,525 We know, uh, how we're loved and who we're loved by. 591 00:50:14,975 --> 00:50:18,305 So we can have those hard conversations when we need to have them. 592 00:50:18,305 --> 00:50:19,640 Yeah, absolutely. 593 00:50:20,400 --> 00:50:20,640 Absolutely. 594 00:50:20,740 --> 00:50:22,235 That's another talk for another day. 595 00:50:22,235 --> 00:50:27,155 But thank you everybody for tuning in and, uh, we hope this blesses you on your journey. 596 00:50:27,455 --> 00:50:31,610 If you want, uh, we do have scads of scriptures to support all of this. 597 00:50:31,610 --> 00:50:34,220 So if you want scripture, uh, we'll give it to you. 598 00:50:34,220 --> 00:50:39,650 Just reach out and be happy to share it with you and, uh, hope it helps you in your journey of forgiveness.