Full Transcript for How High Functioning Men Hide Deep Pain

with his thoughts. 00:05:18.319 --> 00:05:20.399 Sitting still makes him uncomfortable. 00:05:20.560 --> 00:05:25.040 So he works and works and works, and everyone celebrates the grind. 00:05:25.199 --> 00:05:27.279 No one asking what he's running from. 00:05:27.439 --> 00:05:30.319 And please understand, I want to be very careful here. 00:05:30.560 --> 00:05:32.800 Hard work isn't a mental illness. 00:05:32.959 --> 00:05:35.040 Discipline isn't a mental illness. 00:05:35.279 --> 00:05:38.800 Wanting to provide for your family isn't unhealthy. 00:05:38.959 --> 00:05:44.720 But what we have to become mature enough to ask ourselves is why can't I stop? 00:05:44.959 --> 00:05:49.120 What happened emotionally when I don't accomplish something? 00:05:49.360 --> 00:05:51.759 Who am I when I'm not producing? 00:05:51.920 --> 00:05:59.279 Because if resting makes you feel worthless, you might need to have a deeper conversation about what work has become for you. 00:05:59.439 --> 00:06:05.680 And I'll tell you this moving from Texas to California, I was always in things. 00:06:05.759 --> 00:06:09.360 I was working, I had multiple jobs, doing a lot. 00:06:09.600 --> 00:06:13.120 Coming into California, I have been humbled. 00:06:13.920 --> 00:06:17.680 Humbowed because uh I don't know anybody. 00:06:17.839 --> 00:06:42.959 I'll I'm gonna have to build from scratch, but I also realized that I was busy because I didn't want to have the tough conversation with myself about where my life was going, about what I was trying to do, what I was trying to accomplish, uh, what God was uh trying to show me uh on this path or on this journey. 00:06:43.199 --> 00:07:20.560 So I was overworked, and now I have to sit in the discomfort of quiet, and for the first maybe three weeks it has really kicked my butt because I've had the audacity to think that I had it all under control, and then the move helped me realize I have never had an under control, it was just the movement of what I was doing in Odessa that made it seem like everything was great, but when you remove that from me, I was like a lost child. 00:07:20.800 --> 00:07:35.439 But I think it was a humbling experience that God wanted to teach me because for some odd reason, we sometimes, and when I say we, I make myself a God, and I am a horrible God. 00:07:35.600 --> 00:07:41.680 I suck at trying to do and be what God wants me to do and be. 00:07:41.839 --> 00:07:57.199 And you come to that realization, once you get stripped from all the things that you think you're doing and doing well, he'll take it away from you, and you'll realize you were running from what he was trying to teach you. 00:07:57.439 --> 00:08:12.319 And there's that different lessons for different folks, and I'm still in the process of learning what God is trying to teach me in this season, but I also know that I needed, I needed to be pulled out of Texas. 00:08:12.480 --> 00:08:26.240 I needed California to humble me, to help me mature, to help

me grow and get better, to help me trust in God and not in my feeble attempts to be a God. 00:08:26.399 --> 00:08:27.759 I was pulled from Texas. 00:08:27.839 --> 00:08:39.600 This is one of my lessons, I feel, to show how little trust I had in God, in his power, and how much trust I had in myself and my assumed power. 00:08:39.759 --> 00:08:50.559 And once that is stripped and you realize how powerless you are and how powerful God is, you want to get the power from the source. 00:08:50.720 --> 00:08:52.799 And the source is God, it's not you. 00:08:52.960 --> 00:08:58.240 Because the power you think you have can be taken away from you at any given time in this world. 00:08:58.399 --> 00:09:09.519 But the power that God gives you, there is not a thing, there is not an entity, there is not a country, there is not a people that can take it away from you. 00:09:09.600 --> 00:09:21.600 And that, my friends, is what you what I would call maturity to be able to see, to understand, to grow, to be aware, to learn and relearn, to know that you might have jacked that up. 00:09:21.759 --> 00:09:25.200 But regardless of if you jack it up or not, you can still fix it. 00:09:25.360 --> 00:09:27.919 It is still fixable, and that's the beauty. 00:09:28.159 --> 00:09:33.919 Maybe before anyone calls it anxiety, they say that's just how he is. 00:09:34.159 --> 00:09:44.320 He's always worried, always preparing for the worst, always checking everything twice, always thinking 10 moves ahead, always feeling like something is about to happen. 00:09:44.480 --> 00:09:52.159 And maybe he's he's being called responsible or he's just preparing himself, but inside his mind never shuts off. 00:09:52.320 --> 00:09:54.639 And I'll tell you right now that that is not normal. 00:09:54.799 --> 00:10:00.000 To constantly live like dangers around a corner will wear you out. 00:10:00.159 --> 00:10:10.799 Sometimes the body is sitting on the couch while your mind is standing guard and no one sees that, or maybe before anyone called it depression, they just called him angry. 00:10:10.960 --> 00:10:13.120 I saw a Facebook post on that. 00:10:13.200 --> 00:10:15.600 I think my buddy Tay posted it. 00:10:15.759 --> 00:10:24.080 Uh, but he it was just saying a lot of people are saying this these men are angry, but what if that man is depressed? 00:10:24.320 --> 00:10:32.480 So the conversation that men need to have is sometimes the emotion everybody sees isn't necessarily the emotion that's underneath. 00:10:32.639 --> 00:10:38.080 Because a lot of people see irritation or impatience or snapping at wife and kids. 00:10:38.240 --> 00:10:43.840 They see the road rage, the frustration, and everyone says that man has an anger problem. 00:10:44.000 --> 00:10:45.200 And maybe he does. 00:10:45.440 --> 00:10:46.879 But also let's be clear. 00:10:48.720 --> 00:10:51.759 Struggling mentally doesn't mean excuse hurting people. 00:10:51.919 --> 00:10:56.159 Your pain doesn't give you permission to create pain for everyone else around you. 00:10:56.399 --> 00:11:00.960 Accountability still matters, but accountability should make us curious. 00:11:01.120 --> 00:11:02.960 What's underneath this anger? 00:11:03.200 --> 00:11:04.639 What is he grieving? 00:11:04.799 --> 00:11:06.240 What is he afraid of? 00:11:06.480 --> 00:11:08.159 Does he feel like a failure? 00:11:08.320 --> 00:11:09.519 Is he overwhelmed? 00:11:09.759 --> 00:11:10.960 Does he feel trapped? 00:11:11.120 --> 00:11:12.480 Does he feel worthless? 00:11:12.720 --> 00:11:13.440 Unloved? 00:11:13.679 --> 00:11:14.320 Not enough? 00:11:14.480 --> 00:11:20.559 And the most hardest question a man can answer is, does he know how to name those emotions? 00:11:20.799 --> 00:11:22.080 Because it's not anger. 00:11:22.240 --> 00:11:26.879 It could be sadness, frustration, it could be hurt, it could be pain. 00:11:27.200 --> 00:11:32.879 The crazy part is are the only emotions a lot of men think they can show is anger. 00:11:33.120 --> 00:11:37.039 And eventually, everything comes out sounding like anger. 00:11:37.279 --> 00:11:47.919 But like I said previously, sadness comes out of anger, fear comes out of anger, embarrassment, loneliness, shame comes out of anger. 00:11:48.080 --> 00:11:53.279 And then everyone deals with the anger while no one addresses the wound. 00:11:53.519 --> 00:12:06.159 The National Institute of Mental Health lists anger, irritability, and aggressiveness among symptoms that may occur when mental disorders are in men. 00:12:06.320 --> 00:12:12.000 That does not mean every angry person or every angry man has a mental disorder. 00:12:12.240 --> 00:12:17.039 It means we shouldn't automatically stop our curiosity at he's just angry. 00:12:17.200 --> 00:12:23.120 Maybe before anyone called it isolation, they said he's just been busy lately. 00:12:23.279 --> 00:12:31.600 He stopped coming around, stopped answering his phone, stopped going to the gym, stop showing up for church, stop calling his boys. 00:12:31.759 --> 00:12:35.279 Because men can go for months without talking to somebody. 00:12:35.440 --> 00:12:45.039 Because sometimes we'll say, I'll hit him up next week, and then life happens, and he pops into your head, and you're like, Oh, I'll hit him up next month, and then eventually you never hit him up. 00:12:45.200 --> 00:12:49.039 But that's where the importance of brotherhood comes in at. 00:12:49.279 --> 00:12:59.440 Reaching out to a friend who you haven't seen at the gym or at church or around, who hasn't reached out, who hasn't tried to call you. 00:12:59.679 --> 00:13:08.159 The brotherhood is so important because it's not just checking on somebody, but it's asking the serious question of, no, seriously, how are you doing? 00:13:08.320 --> 00:13:12.399 And then being quiet long enough to listen to that man's answer. 00:13:12.559 --> 00:13:15.840 And isolation is something that I deal with a lot. 00:13:16.000 --> 00:13:20.639 I'm a very self-sufficient

person, so I don't want to need anyone. 00:13:20.879 --> 00:13:24.879 Knowing that I need people, I don't want to need anyone. 00:13:25.039 --> 00:13:37.440 And so sometimes when life isn't working out the way that I think it should work out, I definitely pull back, I definitely stop coming around, I definitely stop reaching out, I I disappear. 00:13:37.600 --> 00:13:47.200 And I don't think that is a good thing, but it's a thing that I do, it's a thing that I'm working on because I know I need people and I know people need me. 00:13:47.440 --> 00:13:54.480 So what if somebody is calling what a man have uh substance misuse? 00:13:55.039 --> 00:14:05.440 Everyone is just saying he likes a drink, and maybe he does, but maybe he's also discovered that alcohol is one of the few things that make his brain quiet. 00:14:05.600 --> 00:14:08.559 Getting high is the only time he stops thinking. 00:14:08.720 --> 00:14:12.639 But no one asks, what are you trying not to feel when you're sober? 00:14:12.879 --> 00:14:21.600 Again, it does not mean everyone who drinks has a mental health problem because we can't diagnose people from behaviors alone. 00:14:21.840 --> 00:14:35.919 But what we can say, or what I can say is increased alcohol or drug use can accompany mental health difficulties and is something worth paying attention to, particularly when it changes from someone's normal behavior. 00:14:36.080 --> 00:14:46.080 So as men, as wives, as girlfriends, as moms or dads, or brothers or sisters, we need curiosity without judgment and accountability without shame. 00:14:46.320 --> 00:14:50.879 A hundred men, over a hundred men daily kill themselves in the United States. 00:14:50.960 --> 00:14:52.080 You don't need to judge. 00:14:52.240 --> 00:14:55.039 Be curious about be curious about his behavior. 00:14:55.279 --> 00:15:00.879 Over 40,000 men a year die in the United States alone from suicide. 00:15:01.039 --> 00:15:02.159 Don't judge. 00:15:02.399 --> 00:15:04.240 Be curious about his behavior. 00:15:04.399 --> 00:15:06.320 Because men also go through things. 00:15:06.559 --> 00:15:19.919 I wasn't really gonna get into it, but there's a lot of people that have empathy and sympathy for the mom who killed her kids because she was going through something, and people recognize that. 00:15:20.240 --> 00:15:24.320 But when men go through something, people don't recognize that. 00:15:24.639 --> 00:15:27.360 He's a monster, he's a bad person. 00:15:27.679 --> 00:15:41.440 There is no sympathy or empathy when it comes to a man and his mental health issues, but a mom can kill her kids and people raise almost a million freaking dollars because they feel for this person. 00:15:41.759 --> 00:15:47.600 But I would question if that was a man and he killed his three kids, what would the reaction be? 00:15:48.000 --> 00:15:51.679 And that is what the issue we're having in America is. 00:15:51.919 --> 00:15:57.840 A hundred plus men are dying every single day, and no one bats an eye. 00:15:58.080 --> 00:16:19.759 We're walking through life like this is just a normal thing, and we're losing fathers and grandpa and brothers and husbands and friends, because there's no sympathy or empathy for men in their process of trying to figure out life, and that is one of the issues that we are facing, and it's not going to go anywhere, no time soon. 00:16:20.000 --> 00:16:25.279 Maybe before anyone said he is struggling, everyone said, Well, he's the strong one. 00:16:25.440 --> 00:16:26.960 And this one hits me as well. 00:16:27.120 --> 00:16:29.200 Because strength can become your prison. 00:16:29.360 --> 00:16:35.759 If everyone knows you're the strong one, eventually you start believing you're not allowed to need anybody. 00:16:35.919 --> 00:16:40.320 You're the provider, protector, the fixer, the person everyone calls. 00:16:40.480 --> 00:16:43.200 So, what happens when you need somebody? 00:16:43.440 --> 00:16:56.320 A lot of men don't know what to do when they need somebody because a lot of our identity is built around the one being needed, that when it's time to need something from someone, we don't know who to go to. 00:16:56.480 --> 00:16:59.759 And I talked about this in my recent podcast. 00:17:00.000 --> 00:17:04.480 Being needed can start feeling like being loved. 00:17:04.720 --> 00:17:06.000 So you keep carrying it. 00:17:06.160 --> 00:17:12.000 Your wife's problem, kids' problems, your family problems, your employee problem, your friend problem. 00:17:12.240 --> 00:17:13.680 Everyone gets a piece of you. 00:17:13.759 --> 00:17:16.559 And then when somebody asks, what do you need? 00:17:16.720 --> 00:17:21.279 you don't even know how to answer that because you've never asked yourself that question. 00:17:21.440 --> 00:17:26.640 And if you have asked yourself that question, it's been a long time since you've asked that question. 00:17:26.880 --> 00:17:29.279 And this is where I want to challenge the men listening. 00:17:29.359 --> 00:17:33.680 Don't wait until your life is on the fire before you admit you're getting hot. 00:17:33.839 --> 00:17:39.759 We've got to stop treating mental health like something that only exists once you're in crisis. 00:17:39.920 --> 00:17:41.279 Pay attention to yourself. 00:17:41.519 --> 00:17:42.640 How are you sleeping? 00:17:42.799 --> 00:17:44.799 How quickly are you getting irritated? 00:17:45.039 --> 00:17:46.799 Are you still enjoying anything? 00:17:46.960 --> 00:17:48.880 Are you pulling away from everybody? 00:17:49.039 --> 00:17:50.240 Are you drinking more? 00:17:50.480 --> 00:17:52.400 Are you constantly exhausted? 00:17:52.640 --> 00:17:53.920 Can you concentrate? 00:17:54.160 --> 00:17:57.119 Do you feel like you constantly have to be doing something? 00:17:57.279 --> 00:17:59.759 When was the last time you actually felt peaceful? 00:17:59.920 --> 00:18:04.559 Not entertained, not distracted, not busy, but peaceful. 00:18:04.720 --> 00:18:06.640 These questions

aren't diagnosis. 00:18:06.720 --> 00:18:08.240 They're the check engine lights. 00:18:08.319 --> 00:18:10.720 And sometimes you need to look under the hood. 00:18:10.880 --> 00:18:24.400 So if a significant or distressing change persists, particularly for two weeks or more, the National Institute of Mental Health recommends talking with a health care professional. 00:18:24.640 --> 00:18:25.920 Don't do it on your own. 00:18:26.000 --> 00:18:27.920 Don't try to fix it on your own. 00:18:28.079 --> 00:18:29.680 Don't try to ride it out. 00:18:29.839 --> 00:18:35.359 And wives, friends, brothers, fathers, coaches, pastors, we have to work. 00:18:35.599 --> 00:18:37.119 We have work to do too. 00:18:37.279 --> 00:18:42.480 Sometimes a man who needs somebody to check on him isn't the quietest man in the room. 00:18:42.640 --> 00:18:47.839 Sometimes he's the funniest, the busiest, the strongest, the man everyone depends on. 00:18:48.079 --> 00:18:51.519 Stop assuming competence means peace. 00:18:51.680 --> 00:18:54.079 What has life felt like for you lately? 00:18:54.319 --> 00:18:55.680 Not you good? 00:18:55.920 --> 00:18:57.920 Because you already know the automatic answer. 00:18:58.160 --> 00:18:59.039 Yeah, I'm good. 00:18:59.279 --> 00:19:01.039 Ask something that requires thought. 00:19:01.200 --> 00:19:03.119 What's been heavy lately? 00:19:03.279 --> 00:19:05.519 What are you carrying that no one knows about? 00:19:05.759 --> 00:19:08.559 When was the last time you actually felt like yourself? 00:19:08.720 --> 00:19:13.680 Is there anything you're afraid to tell somebody because you think they'll look at you differently? 00:19:13.839 --> 00:19:15.359 These conversations matter. 00:19:15.599 --> 00:19:28.559 Research has consistently found that men are less likely to seek psychological help and expectation around self-reliance and emotional control can be a part of that reluctance. 00:19:28.799 --> 00:19:30.799 Been there, done that, still working on it. 00:19:30.960 --> 00:19:35.039 So maybe you don't need to tell me or other men, stop being strong. 00:19:35.200 --> 00:19:37.680 Maybe we can redefine what strength is. 00:19:37.920 --> 00:19:40.000 Strength isn't pretending nothing is hurt. 00:19:40.160 --> 00:19:46.559 Strength is having enough awareness to recognize something hurts and enough courage to deal with it. 00:19:46.720 --> 00:19:53.440 And if you're listening to this and think, hey Aaron, you're talking about me, then hear me when I say this. 00:19:53.680 --> 00:19:58.160 You don't have to wait until everything collapse to take yourself seriously. 00:19:58.319 --> 00:20:03.200 You don't have to earn the right to ask for help by suffering longer. 00:20:03.440 --> 00:20:13.440 Talk to somebody, your brother, your wife, your pastor, a counselor, a therapist, a doctor, somebody qualified to help you understand what's happening. 00:20:13.680 --> 00:20:16.480 Asking for help isn't abandoning accountability. 00:20:16.640 --> 00:20:19.359 Sometimes asking for help is accountability. 00:20:19.519 --> 00:20:25.359 You're saying something isn't right, and I'm going to take responsibility for addressing it. 00:20:25.519 --> 00:20:26.799 That's what strength is. 00:20:26.960 --> 00:20:30.400 Maybe the question isn't why did he suddenly fall apart? 00:20:30.559 --> 00:20:36.640 Maybe the better question is how long had he been falling apart while everyone else was calling him strong? 00:20:36.880 --> 00:20:38.960 That's the conversation I want us to have. 00:20:39.119 --> 00:20:52.400 Look beyond the crisis, the buildup, the man before the diagnosis, before the divorce, addiction, explosion, before isolation, before the suicide attempt, before the funeral. 00:20:52.559 --> 00:20:54.319 Because sometimes there were signs. 00:20:54.480 --> 00:20:57.920 They just didn't look the way we expected pain to look. 00:20:58.079 --> 00:21:04.559 And if you recognize yourself somewhere in this conversation, don't use this episode to diagnose yourself. 00:21:04.720 --> 00:21:07.200 Use it to become more curious about yourself. 00:21:07.359 --> 00:21:09.519 What has my life been trying to tell me? 00:21:09.680 --> 00:21:12.799 And maybe today is the day you finally listen. 00:21:13.200 --> 00:21:20.400 So if anyone hasn't told you today that they love you, let me be the first to say I love you. 00:21:20.559 --> 00:21:21.519 You are worthy. 00:21:21.680 --> 00:21:22.640 You are enough. 00:21:22.799 --> 00:21:25.440 You deserve the best that this world has to offer. 00:21:25.599 --> 00:21:27.680 Do not give up, do not quit. 00:21:27.839 --> 00:21:31.119 The world does not get easier, but y'all get stronger. 00:21:31.279 --> 00:21:32.640 Y'all have a blessed week. 00:21:32.799 --> 00:21:33.839 Bye bye. 00:21:35.599 --> 00:21:36.960 Thank you for listening. 00:21:37.119 --> 00:21:40.880 Be sure to subscribe to the podcast so you never miss an episode. 00:21:41.039 --> 00:21:49.039 And for daily motivational and up-to-date content, follow us on Facebook and Instagram at ExcellenceAboveTalent. 00:21:49.200 --> 00:21:55.599 And remember, keep moving forward, never give up, and you are never alone in this battle. 00:21:55.839 --> 00:21:57.599 We'll see you next time.