Full Transcript for 275. More Effort, More Problems (The High-Performing Woman’s Paradox)

discuss this law or this idea was Emily Q, and I hope I'm pronouncing that right. 00:03:11.680 --> 00:03:22.240 He wrote, When the will and the imagination are in conflict, the imagination always wins, without any exception. 00:03:22.960 --> 00:03:29.199 Now, is without any exception a wildly strong statement? 00:03:29.759 --> 00:03:30.400 Yes. 00:03:30.879 --> 00:03:36.080 But even if this is true most of the time, it's worth paying attention to. 00:03:36.560 --> 00:03:48.560 And this is so interesting for those of us who have dropped out of Wellness Math 100 because Wellness Math 100 is the class that focuses on will. 00:03:49.280 --> 00:04:04.960 So you are consciously counting calories, burning calories, doing the heroic exercise, no pain, no gain, trying to calculate and force your way into either a body transformation or food freedom or both. 00:04:05.360 --> 00:04:08.479 Then you get enraged when the math doesn't math. 00:04:08.719 --> 00:04:13.680 So you apply more will, which often makes everything even worse. 00:04:14.159 --> 00:04:21.199 Because if the imagination is in conflict with your will, the imagination will win. 00:04:21.519 --> 00:04:39.680 Especially if you have an untrained chaos dragon running around in your brain, writing disaster fanfic, bracing for worst-case scenarios, and telling limiting stories about how because you've struggled with food and eating for so long that you'll always struggle with it. 00:04:40.560 --> 00:04:55.199 On the other hand, spicy storytelling 301 is the classroom where you learn to use your imagination as a force for creating change and for telling new stories that you want to live out. 00:04:55.680 --> 00:05:01.279 And this isn't done using more discipline, pressure, or grinding it out. 00:05:01.759 --> 00:05:05.040 It's done using play and creativity. 00:05:05.920 --> 00:05:20.000 For a high-performing woman who already defaults to more pressure and more effort, play and creativity will do far more for you than another semester inside Wellness Math 100. 00:05:20.480 --> 00:05:28.800 And you can take this class as a self-study step by step inside my book, Food Freedom Fantasy, for$7.99. 00:05:29.040 --> 00:05:34.000 You can go to foodfreedomfantasy.com or grab the link in the description. 00:05:34.720 --> 00:05:41.040 Speaking of storytelling, you know who else talked about the law of reverse effort way back when? 00:05:41.600 --> 00:05:43.439 Aldous Huxley. 00:05:43.759 --> 00:05:50.639 If that name sounds familiar, it's because this is the man who wrote the dystopian classic, Brave New World. 00:05:50.879 --> 00:05:54.000 Just happened to be one of my all-time favorite books. 00:05:54.240 --> 00:05:59.839 It's actually the one that inspired my X-rated dystopian series, The Pleasure Seekers. 00:06:00.079 --> 00:06:03.199 I even quoted Brave New World at the beginning of book one. 00:06:03.920 --> 00:06:15.199 So this man knows things, and he once wrote, The harder we try with the conscious will to do something, the less we shall succeed. 00:06:15.600 --> 00:06:37.839 Proficiency and the results of proficiency come only to those who have learned the paradoxical art of doing and not doing, or combining relaxation with activity, of letting go as a person, that the eminent and transcendent unknown quantity may take hold. 00:06:38.480 --> 00:06:41.920 There's a key distinction in this quote I want to highlight. 00:06:42.160 --> 00:06:45.040 The quote doesn't say do nothing ever. 00:06:45.519 --> 00:06:48.240 It doesn't say don't try at all. 00:06:48.720 --> 00:06:59.839 It doesn't say sit on your couch, eat bonbons, and watch all 15 seasons of supernatural for the third time to see if you missed any prime Destiel subtext. 00:07:00.720 --> 00:07:04.240 Doing and not doing is an art form. 00:07:05.360 --> 00:07:10.480 Combining relaxation and activity is a skill. 00:07:11.279 --> 00:07:15.360 Most high-performing women have not mastered this. 00:07:15.759 --> 00:07:27.519 They're often exceptional at doing, doing, activity, doing, more activity, repeat until they're burned out and face down in crazy bread. 00:07:28.560 --> 00:07:38.000 So when you listen to another podcast that tells you to put more effort in, and then you put more effort in, you're not practicing this art form. 00:07:38.319 --> 00:07:42.240 Instead, you're creating a deeper level of imbalance. 00:07:42.959 --> 00:07:53.439 The harder you try, the more you struggle, either because you're miserable, burned out, or keep numbing out with food because you're so miserable, or all of the above. 00:07:54.240 --> 00:08:05.279 Then you hype yourself up with another fearless motivation speech on Spotify, apply more effort, feel worse, and the cycle continues. 00:08:06.160 --> 00:08:14.480 Then you also have the added challenge that happens after all that effort turns into self-sabotage or burnout. 00:08:14.879 --> 00:08:18.399 So this occurs when you have the off day or the off week. 00:08:18.639 --> 00:08:23.199 Now you're applying all this effort to get back on track. 00:08:23.759 --> 00:08:29.839 You're trying to climb out of the hole and avoid another binge, another setback. 00:08:30.160 --> 00:08:37.919 But the harder you try not to do something, the more focus and attention you're giving that unwanted thing. 00:08:38.399 --> 00:08:46.879 So Daniel Wagner did a study on polar bears, and he reveals what happens when you focus on not doing something. 00:08:47.600 --> 00:08:51.679 He told a bunch of people not to think about a polar bear. 00:08:52.080 --> 00:08:57.679 Suddenly, they were having more thoughts about white bears than they'd had all year. 00:08:58.320 --> 00:09:01.200 Your brain doesn't do negatives. 00:09:01.440 --> 00:09:05.679 If you tell it don't binge, it hears binge. 00:09:06.399 --> 00:09:10.559 Now you're guarding against every craving and compulsion. 00:09:10.799 --> 00:09:16.000 And the more you resist the compulsion to overeat, the stronger it becomes.

00:09:16.159 --> 00:09:20.240 You have to expend even more effort, and the struggle deepens. 00:09:21.519 --> 00:09:33.440 Then there's the fact that overthinking and over-effort often lead to choking in sports, in work, and definitely in your food freedom journey. 00:09:33.919 --> 00:09:36.080 You've probably heard about this in sports. 00:09:36.320 --> 00:09:53.840 So Olympic level or professional athletes will kill it during their practices and lower stakes games, but then they end up fumbling all over the place when the stakes are higher, in tournaments and in championship games, all of those types of things. 00:09:54.320 --> 00:10:04.080 Or maybe they have just one off game, and now that performance is stuck in their head and they're trying to avoid a repeat experience. 00:10:04.320 --> 00:10:14.639 And this is because now their brain is trying to micromanage everything when actually when their bodies have a chance to take over, flow happens. 00:10:15.440 --> 00:10:26.399 It's when we overthink and over-effort that we interrupt that flow, we interrupt our body's natural rhythms, and we start to choke. 00:10:26.799 --> 00:10:31.039 You might have also experienced something like this in your workplace. 00:10:31.360 --> 00:10:32.559 I know I have. 00:10:32.879 --> 00:10:39.440 So maybe you were just sailing along, performing beautifully, until a supervisor walked by. 00:10:40.080 --> 00:10:43.440 Then you're making the most ridiculous mistakes. 00:10:43.600 --> 00:10:50.320 Your supervisor is looking at you like you're an absolute buffoon, and it's very hard to get your rhythm back. 00:10:50.720 --> 00:10:54.960 So I experienced this so often at my door-building job. 00:10:55.200 --> 00:11:01.600 I would be in a flow state, building doors beautifully, until my lead hand walked by. 00:11:02.000 --> 00:11:08.559 Suddenly, I was on high alert because I wanted to make sure I was doing the best job possible. 00:11:09.039 --> 00:11:19.039 And suddenly I'm smearing glue off the components, I'm dropping the styles, I'm fumbling, and I get the look like I'm a buffoon. 00:11:19.519 --> 00:11:30.080 Then, even after the lead hand walked away, I'm still on the struggle bus, watching my every move and making all these mistakes that I wasn't making before. 00:11:30.639 --> 00:11:36.080 And then I got to witness the very same thing happen to all the new people I trained. 00:11:36.320 --> 00:11:40.559 They would be doing great until management walked by. 00:11:40.960 --> 00:11:44.000 Then management would point out what they were doing wrong. 00:11:44.240 --> 00:11:52.080 And then after management left, they would look at me in dismay and be like, I was doing so good until they walked by. 00:11:52.559 --> 00:11:55.600 To which I always said, Yeah, I get it. 00:11:55.840 --> 00:11:57.120 I have been there. 00:11:58.000 --> 00:12:01.279 This has a lot to do with food freedom as well. 00:12:01.600 --> 00:12:11.919 It's why you can go weeks or months being consistent in this really delightful rhythm with your habits until that one off day. 00:12:12.399 --> 00:12:17.279 Now your inner critic shows up and they're like, you idiot, don't do it again. 00:12:17.519 --> 00:12:22.159 And this inner critic watches you, trying to make sure you don't do it again. 00:12:22.480 --> 00:12:26.240 But now all you're focused on is doing it again. 00:12:26.480 --> 00:12:30.720 You're vigilant and trying so hard not to do the thing. 00:12:31.600 --> 00:12:42.480 Being vigilant and trying really hard all happens when we're in sympathetic nervous system dominance, or in what I love to call firebrain. 00:12:43.279 --> 00:12:53.360 Now, some effort, when it's time-bound, chosen, and broken up with moments of rest and recovery isn't a bad thing. 00:12:53.679 --> 00:13:09.759 But when the brain continues to over-exert itself, micromanage performance, and listen to an inner critic that gets noisier by the hour, the nervous system continues to overheat until a crash happens. 00:13:10.080 --> 00:13:14.639 We eventually get to the point of a protective freeze or shutdown. 00:13:15.200 --> 00:13:17.759 I like to call this rock brain. 00:13:18.240 --> 00:13:23.440 This is often where burnout and binge eating live in high-performing women. 00:13:23.759 --> 00:13:27.919 As you can see, more effort equals more problems. 00:13:28.399 --> 00:13:36.480 You end up fighting a losing battle by using your will when your imagination was always waiting to be harnessed instead. 00:13:37.120 --> 00:13:41.759 You lose the critical opportunity to master the art of balance. 00:13:42.159 --> 00:13:48.320 The balance between doing and not doing, between relaxation and activity. 00:13:48.639 --> 00:13:55.519 You end up focusing on what you don't want, which makes the thing you don't want even more likely to happen. 00:13:55.759 --> 00:14:04.480 You have this belligerent inner critic eyeballing your every move and losing their mind every time you make a mistake. 00:14:04.799 --> 00:14:12.799 And you're overheating the nervous system, making crashes, self-sabotage, and emotional numbing far more likely. 00:14:13.279 --> 00:14:19.759 I'm sharing all this with you because I get it on this deep visceral level. 00:14:20.720 --> 00:14:27.600 One of the things that inspired this episode was a message I received from a mentor I'm working with. 00:14:27.919 --> 00:14:30.399 So I was sharing my personal situation. 00:14:30.720 --> 00:14:47.679 Nine books, over 270 podcast episodes, hundreds of reels on social media, so much effort and discipline, and the consistency over time that everyone promised would compound and lead to success one day. 00:14:48.639 --> 00:14:55.120 And the outcome hasn't really felt like it's matched the level of effort yet. 00:14:55.840 --> 00:15:05.120 I shared all this with her and added, so I feel doubt sometimes, but I believe doubt can absolutely be outworked. 00:15:05.840 --> 00:15:10.639 This mentor replied with something that

hit like a gut punch. 00:15:11.440 --> 00:15:12.879 Their response. 00:15:17.120 --> 00:15:20.480 And you have absolutely outworked everyone. 00:15:21.279 --> 00:15:24.399 My guess is the work was never the problem. 00:15:25.120 --> 00:15:26.320 Asking was. 00:15:27.600 --> 00:15:36.799 By asking, she was referring to asking for the sale, which might be part of it, sure, but that is not the topic of this week's episode. 00:15:37.039 --> 00:15:43.519 And it was this first part of what she said that honestly had me spiraling for a few days. 00:15:44.000 --> 00:15:59.919 It was someone holding up a mirror, pointing out the years and truckloads of effort, and saying, girl, if more work and effort was going to solve your doubt, I probably would have done so by now. 00:16:01.120 --> 00:16:11.360 The idea of letting go of the comfort that comes from just working harder has been deeply uncomfortable. 00:16:12.480 --> 00:16:17.440 Because when things haven't worked, I've just always worked harder. 00:16:17.759 --> 00:16:20.639 And that's what so much of this year has been. 00:16:21.679 --> 00:16:25.919 And all that effort has absolutely created more problems. 00:16:26.559 --> 00:16:34.559 So more frustration, more disembodiment, and very few of the results I'd been hoping for. 00:16:35.279 --> 00:16:45.440 I finally had to be like, okay, doing the same thing repeatedly, applying more effort is throwing gasoline on an inferno. 00:16:46.559 --> 00:16:49.120 I don't need more gasoline. 00:16:49.840 --> 00:16:54.320 I need a hearth, a stronger container for that fire. 00:16:55.440 --> 00:16:58.159 And you don't create that through more effort. 00:16:58.799 --> 00:17:05.119 You create it through presence, you create it through softening your grip. 00:17:06.400 --> 00:17:12.480 This is why my food freedom framework is earth and water, then fire. 00:17:13.039 --> 00:17:15.519 Earth is that initial pause button. 00:17:15.839 --> 00:17:19.920 You notice how much effort am I exerting? 00:17:20.480 --> 00:17:25.119 And how is this level of effort feeling in my body? 00:17:26.160 --> 00:17:28.400 Also, is it working? 00:17:29.279 --> 00:17:35.200 Or is more effort making me more frustrated, tired, and disenchanted? 00:17:35.519 --> 00:17:41.119 Then water is honoring how your level of effort is making you feel. 00:17:42.240 --> 00:17:54.960 Maybe you have to stop after listening to this episode and think, damn, I've tried so hard and I haven't outworked anything except my own zest for life. 00:17:55.359 --> 00:17:56.640 And that sucks. 00:17:58.079 --> 00:18:03.680 Then you let yourself feel the sadness, the disappointment, the grief. 00:18:04.720 --> 00:18:12.559 Feeling these emotions is often the secret key that unlocks a deeper level of food freedom. 00:18:13.200 --> 00:18:23.440 Water is also reclaiming your right to rest, to lean back, to slow down, and to ask for support when you need it. 00:18:24.400 --> 00:18:30.880 It's realizing that you're worthy of having both the relaxation and the activity. 00:18:31.359 --> 00:18:37.759 It's deciding that your worth is not contingent on always producing and contributing. 00:18:38.319 --> 00:18:41.599 Your worth is inherent, period. 00:18:42.720 --> 00:18:51.119 And if an inner critic or an inner pusher part is screaming in protest, then you want to give them some love. 00:18:51.519 --> 00:18:53.440 That's part of water as well. 00:18:54.559 --> 00:19:03.039 They've been trying to keep you safe because overworking and over-efforting has become comfortable. 00:19:03.519 --> 00:19:07.039 And what is comfortable is survivable. 00:19:08.319 --> 00:19:15.440 So then you want to give these parts moments where rest and non-effort feel safe. 00:19:16.720 --> 00:19:23.599 Show these parts that they are still loved, still safe, still enough as they rest. 00:19:25.039 --> 00:19:27.440 That's your embodied activation this week. 00:19:28.240 --> 00:19:31.359 Practice relaxation and non-doing. 00:19:32.400 --> 00:19:38.960 Maybe you do watch an episode of Supernatural and delight in the Dean and Castel moments. 00:19:40.480 --> 00:19:42.960 Put something on your calendar. 00:19:44.000 --> 00:19:49.039 And when you're doing the non-doing, if that's even a thing, you know what I mean. 00:19:49.359 --> 00:19:55.680 Notice when it feels weird in your body and you're just noticing the discomfort. 00:19:56.559 --> 00:19:58.799 And then you can take some deep breaths. 00:20:00.079 --> 00:20:13.279 And over time, with these little reps of non-doing, you'll build the capacity for the discomfort until resting stops feeling so uncomfortable and unnatural. 00:20:13.759 --> 00:20:20.319 And as a bonus in bodied activation, go listen to Worth Ethic by Tony Jones. 00:20:20.640 --> 00:20:22.000 You're welcome. 00:20:22.480 --> 00:20:35.680 As we wrap up this episode, one thing you might be worried about, you might think, but if I stop trying so hard, if I stop using so much effort, then I'll become a couch potato. 00:20:36.400 --> 00:20:46.559 But my friend, the very fact that you have this worry tells me that you are absolutely not going to become a couch potato. 00:20:47.359 --> 00:20:53.119 We're not dimming your fire, we're not dousing your fire, we're just aiming it. 00:20:53.519 --> 00:20:57.680 And we're also no longer adding too much of a good thing. 00:20:58.000 --> 00:21:03.839 Enjoy the art of non-doing this week, and we'll connect again in a future episode. 00:21:04.240 --> 00:21:08.559 Ready to stop outsourcing your worth and crack your own code? 00:21:08.799 --> 00:21:10.799 Grab Know Your Hungers. 00:21:11.359 --> 00:21:21.839 Two free assessments that uncover the real block behind your food struggles, plus a customized audio care package based on your results. 00:21:22.079 --> 00:21:25.680 You're not broken, you're just misdiagnosed. 00:21:26.079 --> 00:21:27.839 Link is in the show notes.