Full Transcript for Breaking Patterns, Creating Change

automatically go to like sad mad scared happy, 00:04:16.149 --> 00:04:19.259 but we don't really think of lonely, depressed, 00:04:19.680 --> 00:04:23.860 hateful, confused, hopeful, creative, secure. 00:04:24.199 --> 00:04:25.839 We don't really think of those other words that 00:04:25.839 --> 00:04:28.199 might be more fitted to describe how we're feeling. 00:04:28.319 --> 00:04:31.740 We just go to, oh, I'm happy, or I'm sad. So 00:04:31.740 --> 00:04:34.759 I really think that that is something that we 00:04:34.759 --> 00:04:38.000 need to look at and further dive into how to 00:04:38.000 --> 00:04:40.439 express our emotions more productively and more 00:04:40.439 --> 00:04:45.480 accurately. How would you explain generational 00:04:45.480 --> 00:04:47.399 trauma to someone who has never heard the term 00:04:47.399 --> 00:04:50.680 before? Yeah, so at its core in generational 00:04:50.680 --> 00:04:54.680 trauma, you know, imagine someone just a regular 00:04:54.680 --> 00:04:58.300 adult surviving something deeply painful. You 00:04:58.300 --> 00:05:01.339 know, it could be war, poverty, abuse, addiction. 00:05:01.800 --> 00:05:05.060 And to survive that high stress situation, they 00:05:05.060 --> 00:05:07.660 develop certain coping strategies. You know, 00:05:07.759 --> 00:05:11.379 maybe they learn not to trust somebody very easily, 00:05:11.660 --> 00:05:14.100 have the guard up, never show weakness or try 00:05:14.100 --> 00:05:17.939 to control everything within their power, even 00:05:17.939 --> 00:05:20.699 things that aren't in their power, to get through 00:05:20.699 --> 00:05:23.720 it. Then imagine they were to have children or 00:05:23.720 --> 00:05:26.600 be responsible for somebody that is younger than 00:05:26.600 --> 00:05:29.339 them. The way that they parent them because of 00:05:29.339 --> 00:05:31.660 that traumatic experience, you know, could be 00:05:31.660 --> 00:05:35.860 very guarded or anxiety -based. That trauma that's 00:05:35.860 --> 00:05:37.839 there that they haven't necessarily worked through 00:05:37.839 --> 00:05:40.379 is then passed down to their kids. And then, 00:05:40.480 --> 00:05:43.139 you know, these children, for reasons that they 00:05:43.139 --> 00:05:45.139 don't necessarily understand and that were never 00:05:45.139 --> 00:05:48.120 explained to them, start not trusting anybody. 00:05:48.899 --> 00:05:51.560 They start having a hard time making friends 00:05:51.560 --> 00:05:54.560 and they'll show up in these little actions and 00:05:54.560 --> 00:05:58.600 they don't know how to explain it. And they just 00:05:58.600 --> 00:06:00.600 repeat these same patterns that their parents 00:06:00.600 --> 00:06:03.319 have taught them. So hopefully that can kind 00:06:03.319 --> 00:06:06.579 of help. explain how generational trauma or what 00:06:06.579 --> 00:06:09.959 exactly it is. It does. And does generational 00:06:09.959 --> 00:06:12.600 trauma, does it have to be connected to one major 00:06:12.600 --> 00:06:15.800 event or can it develop from patterns that happened 00:06:15.800 --> 00:06:20.920 over time? You know, I would say both can be 00:06:20.920 --> 00:06:23.199 true in my personal experience. Both are true 00:06:23.199 --> 00:06:25.639 for sure. You know, there was not one isolated 00:06:25.639 --> 00:06:30.279 incident, but overlapping layers, right? Things 00:06:30.279 --> 00:06:33.680 like, you know, war, genocide, slavery. Researchers 00:06:33.680 --> 00:06:38.019 have studied those fairly well -defined transmission 00:06:38.019 --> 00:06:42.360 effects of those into generations that have followed. 00:06:42.720 --> 00:06:46.199 You know, there's not one single event when it 00:06:46.199 --> 00:06:50.459 comes to slavery, racism, poverty, addiction, 00:06:50.720 --> 00:06:53.279 but it's just a sustained environment that shapes 00:06:53.279 --> 00:06:55.980 people to learn how to attach, regulate emotions 00:06:55.980 --> 00:06:58.139 and see the world. And sometimes recognizing 00:06:58.139 --> 00:07:00.360 those patterns, one of the difficult things about 00:07:01.139 --> 00:07:04.180 recognizing generational trauma is that the behaviors 00:07:04.180 --> 00:07:06.779 we're seeing don't immediately look like trauma. 00:07:06.959 --> 00:07:09.540 They're like personality traits or like, that's 00:07:09.540 --> 00:07:12.220 just how my family is. So what are some common 00:07:12.220 --> 00:07:15.100 signs or patterns that may indicate generational 00:07:15.100 --> 00:07:19.079 trauma within a family? I'm not an expert, but 00:07:19.079 --> 00:07:22.699 I can kind of share experiences that I've been 00:07:22.699 --> 00:07:25.889 through or patterns that I've seen. I think very 00:07:25.889 --> 00:07:28.870 common is emotional avoidance, silence as a default 00:07:28.870 --> 00:07:33.069 response, not wanting to explain oneself. And 00:07:33.069 --> 00:07:36.430 I would say alcohol abuse, any substance abuse 00:07:36.430 --> 00:07:41.009 and the behaviors that come because of those, 00:07:41.009 --> 00:07:43.649 you know, addictions. And I know in this podcast, 00:07:43.670 --> 00:07:46.110 we've talked about coping and dealing with trauma 00:07:46.110 --> 00:07:48.449 and what that could look like. And sometimes 00:07:48.449 --> 00:07:51.670 that could be disassociating. Do you think that 00:07:51.670 --> 00:07:53.949 could be it? one of the generational trauma responses 00:07:53.949 --> 00:07:56.430 as well as disassociating. Oh yeah, definitely. 00:07:56.610 --> 00:07:59.850 I think disassociation for anybody is an easy 00:07:59.850 --> 00:08:02.709 thing to do, especially when you want to avoid 00:08:02.709 --> 00:08:06.949 something in generational trauma. Any heart emotions 00:08:06.949 --> 00:08:10.149 that we don't understand, it's just easier quote 00:08:10.149 --> 00:08:13.509 unquote to not deal with them. So I think disassociation 00:08:13.509 --> 00:08:17.029 is really prevalent. Can you give examples or

00:08:17.680 --> 00:08:20.560 Can you give examples of beliefs or behaviors 00:08:20.560 --> 00:08:23.019 that might be passed down from one generation 00:08:23.019 --> 00:08:27.279 to another? I sure can. I think one, as you and 00:08:27.279 --> 00:08:30.279 I being females, Terry, being told you need to 00:08:30.279 --> 00:08:32.340 be, you can be seen, you're allowed to be seen, 00:08:32.399 --> 00:08:35.220 but you should not be hurt. Females and kids. 00:08:35.620 --> 00:08:40.759 Yes. Kids especially too. I think being a young 00:08:40.759 --> 00:08:44.059 girl is very difficult because you're, a focus 00:08:44.059 --> 00:08:47.039 is how you look. You need to look presentable, 00:08:47.519 --> 00:08:50.159 but necessarily what you think and what you say 00:08:50.159 --> 00:08:52.700 isn't as important as how you present yourself. 00:08:52.960 --> 00:08:56.259 I think another example would be never let anyone 00:08:56.259 --> 00:09:00.019 see your struggles put on a happy face. You have 00:09:00.019 --> 00:09:04.259 to earn love, somebody's love, somebody's safety. 00:09:05.019 --> 00:09:07.460 And even when that comes to monetary, you know, 00:09:07.720 --> 00:09:09.980 money won't always be there. So hold on tight 00:09:09.980 --> 00:09:12.789 to it. You know, people being frugal. We think 00:09:12.789 --> 00:09:15.549 of those generations who hid money in their mattresses. 00:09:16.110 --> 00:09:20.070 That is something that is taught because people 00:09:20.070 --> 00:09:23.429 didn't trust banks, you know, and it some people 00:09:23.429 --> 00:09:24.970 still do it to this day because their parents 00:09:24.970 --> 00:09:28.529 did it. Oh yeah, I have the secret stash of money 00:09:28.529 --> 00:09:31.090 in my house too, but I call it my emergency fund 00:09:31.090 --> 00:09:34.409 just because I'm like if my car doesn't work 00:09:34.409 --> 00:09:37.519 or The banks are closed and I need cash for some 00:09:37.519 --> 00:09:40.320 reason. I know where my quick stash is, but yeah, 00:09:40.559 --> 00:09:42.279 I definitely got that from my parents. I mean, 00:09:42.419 --> 00:09:46.840 God forbid they're not being ATM open ever. Those 00:09:46.840 --> 00:09:49.620 things are 24 -7 tier. You can get rid of your 00:09:49.620 --> 00:09:54.600 emergency stash. Go deposit it. Okay. If we want 00:09:54.600 --> 00:09:57.340 to talk about some examples of behaviors, I mean 00:09:57.340 --> 00:09:59.879 we kind of mentioned some before, but being conflict 00:09:59.879 --> 00:10:01.840 avoidant, over -functioning, doing everything 00:10:01.840 --> 00:10:04.019 yourself because you can't rely on others to 00:10:04.019 --> 00:10:06.179 be safe, I think Terry and I are both guilty 00:10:06.179 --> 00:10:09.490 of this. Yes. Um, performance based acceptance. 00:10:09.889 --> 00:10:12.950 I know that one personally hits home. Yeah. And 00:10:12.950 --> 00:10:15.450 then just overall difficulty asking for help. 00:10:15.710 --> 00:10:17.129 Okay.

I'm really starting to take a fetch. So 00:10:17.129 --> 00:10:19.269 these behavior examples, I'm just saying they're, 00:10:19.289 --> 00:10:21.549 they're really all hitting. Very personal. They 00:10:21.549 --> 00:10:24.370 do. And you don't know why. No. You don't know 00:10:24.370 --> 00:10:26.850 why until you start looking deep. Okay, y 'all 00:10:26.850 --> 00:10:29.809 we're going to be learning together because yeah, 00:10:29.809 --> 00:10:33.610 all of those, but I think all of those are also 00:10:33.610 --> 00:10:36.110 high achieving women or women themselves that 00:10:36.110 --> 00:10:38.570 are trying to I don't know, maybe not. Maybe 00:10:38.570 --> 00:10:40.649 I'm just making things up to make myself feel 00:10:40.649 --> 00:10:43.450 better. No, I think that's true. But also, you 00:10:43.450 --> 00:10:48.809 know, when you think of even in men too, I think 00:10:48.809 --> 00:10:51.230 a lot of them have difficulty asking for help, 00:10:51.429 --> 00:10:55.570 maybe not in an emotion or in a physical space, 00:10:55.610 --> 00:10:58.049 but in an emotional space because they're taught 00:10:58.049 --> 00:11:01.090 to be strong in our society. They're taught to 00:11:01.090 --> 00:11:04.529 hold it together. They're the foundation of a 00:11:04.529 --> 00:11:07.789 family. They're the foundation of society and 00:11:07.789 --> 00:11:10.110 they're supposed to have all the answers. And 00:11:10.110 --> 00:11:13.629 that's a lot of pressure. And I think the male 00:11:13.629 --> 00:11:16.070 demographic also goes to performance -based. 00:11:16.210 --> 00:11:18.429 Yes. I think that really hits with them too. 00:11:19.289 --> 00:11:22.490 So how can things like emotional avoidance, difficulty 00:11:22.490 --> 00:11:26.350 trusting others, anger, professionalism? perfectionism, 00:11:26.590 --> 00:11:29.669 people pleasing, or fear of vulnerability be 00:11:29.669 --> 00:11:32.250 connected to past experiences? Well, I'll just 00:11:32.250 --> 00:11:34.750 tell you about my personal experience and hopefully 00:11:34.750 --> 00:11:38.370 it'll resonate in a sense. But I, in my early 00:11:38.370 --> 00:11:43.129 20s, I had a lot of problems with trust, perfectionism, 00:11:43.509 --> 00:11:46.710 fear of vulnerability. Those were my main motivators 00:11:46.710 --> 00:11:49.669 for starting to work with a licensed professional. 00:11:50.289 --> 00:11:53.700 And through my healing journey, I actually got 00:11:53.700 --> 00:11:57.679 diagnosed with PTSD and continually to this day, 00:11:57.840 --> 00:12:00.720 you know, I have to work through triggers. What 00:12:00.720 --> 00:12:03.639 my therapist helped me discover was that yes, 00:12:03.980 --> 00:12:06.519 You know, my personal experiences in my life 00:12:06.519 --> 00:12:09.379 that I was there for play a part in my PTSD, 00:12:09.460 --> 00:12:12.639 but so did this generational trauma that I've 00:12:12.639 --> 00:12:15.379 been carrying with me that it wasn't any fault 00:12:15.379 --> 00:12:17.580 of my own. So in play terms, you know, I had 00:12:17.580 --> 00:12:20.379 difficulty to trust, you know, I had abusers 00:12:20.379 --> 00:12:22.500 in my life who were supposed to be the people 00:12:22.500 --> 00:12:25.600 that I could trust. But at the same time, there 00:12:25.600 --> 00:12:29.000 was a history of abuse within my family. So that 00:12:29.000 --> 00:12:31.139 kind of goes back to our thought of was it one 00:12:31.139 --> 00:12:34.200 event or is it a combination of multiple things? 00:12:34.220 --> 00:12:36.940 And you know, they're both true in my case, you 00:12:36.940 --> 00:12:40.100 know. I have that fear of vulnerability because 00:12:40.100 --> 00:12:43.120 my emotions were discouraged at an early age. 00:12:43.139 --> 00:12:46.580 I was taught I shouldn't cry. Like that is something 00:12:46.580 --> 00:12:48.960 you don't want other people to see. But at the 00:12:48.960 --> 00:12:51.539 same time, I grew up in a military family. So 00:12:51.539 --> 00:12:53.639 that is what my parents were taught. They were 00:12:53.639 --> 00:12:57.600 taught to be strong. And my need for perfectionism 00:12:57.600 --> 00:13:00.860 and performance -based acceptance was a response 00:13:00.860 --> 00:13:04.000 to, you know, just high stress situations and 00:13:04.000 --> 00:13:07.779 control. But it's also a pattern within my family 00:13:07.779 --> 00:13:10.940 where females were held to a higher standard 00:13:10.940 --> 00:13:14.840 than men in my family. So the pressure on us 00:13:14.840 --> 00:13:18.519 was always higher. It's all encompassed, you 00:13:18.519 --> 00:13:21.440 know, my personal experiences and my generational 00:13:21.440 --> 00:13:25.940 trauma. They all played a factor. in it. Why 00:13:25.940 --> 00:13:29.659 do families sometimes normalize those unhealthy 00:13:29.659 --> 00:13:32.279 behaviors? I think it comes back to that term 00:13:32.279 --> 00:13:35.100 that I'm sure we've all heard before. Well, I 00:13:35.100 --> 00:13:39.259 turned out fine. I survived it. I mean, how many 00:13:39.259 --> 00:13:40.899 times have we heard that from our grandparents, 00:13:41.059 --> 00:13:43.700 from our parents, uncles, aunts? They're like, 00:13:44.320 --> 00:13:47.700 I don't know why it's such a big deal. I'm OK. 00:13:49.059 --> 00:13:52.600 But the question is, are you really? This is 00:13:52.600 --> 00:13:56.789 harder to justify. Because we have so much access 00:13:56.789 --> 00:13:58.690 to information, you know, our parents and our 00:13:58.690 --> 00:14:00.690 grandparents, they just, they really just had 00:14:00.690 --> 00:14:03.309 the library, you know, and even today, how many 00:14:03.309 --> 00:14:06.570 people go to the library? I mean, I do, but I'm 00:14:06.570 --> 00:14:09.929 not everybody. But today we have access to the 00:14:09.929 --> 00:14:12.450 internet, social media, there's so much more 00:14:12.450 --> 00:14:14.909 knowledge out there that's

easily accessible, 00:14:15.509 --> 00:14:17.470 but back then it wasn't for them. So I think 00:14:17.470 --> 00:14:20.149 it was really easily to normalize, especially 00:14:20.149 --> 00:14:24.090 because we also were in a world where You know, 00:14:24.090 --> 00:14:26.710 if you think about our grandparents and then 00:14:26.710 --> 00:14:29.269 their parents, they both were living in really 00:14:29.269 --> 00:14:32.690 difficult times with war with a really bad economy. 00:14:32.990 --> 00:14:35.590 I mean, look at us here as millennials. We're 00:14:35.590 --> 00:14:38.029 going through a difficult time too, but we do 00:14:38.029 --> 00:14:40.509 have a lot more access to information. So we 00:14:40.509 --> 00:14:42.730 don't justify it anymore. We hold them accountable. 00:14:43.669 --> 00:14:47.610 Yeah. So going back to like holding them accountable, 00:14:48.029 --> 00:14:51.460 what contributes to the silence of generational 00:14:51.460 --> 00:14:54.220 trauma. I think, you know, as I kind of mentioned 00:14:54.220 --> 00:14:56.539 before, silence and omission, you know, were 00:14:56.539 --> 00:14:59.399 struggles within my family that were really normalized. 00:14:59.620 --> 00:15:02.059 But that's personally one piece of generational 00:15:02.059 --> 00:15:07.179 trauma that I'm trying to break. It's so important, 00:15:07.179 --> 00:15:09.620 I think, to recognize your feelings, to voice 00:15:09.620 --> 00:15:12.230 them, because How are you going to work through 00:15:12.230 --> 00:15:15.269 them? How are you going to teach your kids, my 00:15:15.269 --> 00:15:17.669 kids, how to speak up for themselves in a world 00:15:17.669 --> 00:15:20.950 that will constantly fight against them? Finding 00:15:20.950 --> 00:15:23.990 my voice in adulthood has always been a struggle. 00:15:24.289 --> 00:15:26.169 It's one of the hardest things I had to do because 00:15:26.169 --> 00:15:28.950 my family, because they were so silent, I became 00:15:28.950 --> 00:15:32.149 silent. And then it became a physical thing for 00:15:32.149 --> 00:15:35.750 me. Even right now, when I'm talking, my throat 00:15:35.750 --> 00:15:38.509 physically hurts. It's just kind of manifested 00:15:38.509 --> 00:15:40.490 that way in me. And that's not everybody in my 00:15:40.490 --> 00:15:43.950 family. Obviously, that's just me. But, you know, 00:15:45.629 --> 00:15:50.009 this silence became a safe space for me because 00:15:50.009 --> 00:15:53.429 it physically hurt. I didn't necessarily know 00:15:53.429 --> 00:15:55.570 what I was thinking. And it was that avoidance 00:15:55.570 --> 00:15:57.610 that you had talked about, the disassociation 00:15:57.610 --> 00:16:00.169 that I learned at a very young age, that it was 00:16:00.169 --> 00:16:05.000 easier to be quiet. than to involve myself in 00:16:05.000 --> 00:16:08.179 conflict. But you know, I was also always praised 00:16:08.179 --> 00:16:11.419 for being quiet. I was the quiet one. I was the 00:16:11.419 --> 00:16:14.200 well -behaved one. I was the pretty one. So you 00:16:14.200 --> 00:16:17.600 got reinforced for that being? Yes. I was praised 00:16:17.600 --> 00:16:21.980 for it. So it was like, that's just who I was. 00:16:22.000 --> 00:16:24.519 I was the quiet one. You know, I was the rule 00:16:24.519 --> 00:16:28.649 follower. Unfortunately, as I became older, I 00:16:28.649 --> 00:16:31.070 had a hard time communicating in friendships, 00:16:31.230 --> 00:16:33.470 you know, romantic relationships. And even to 00:16:33.470 --> 00:16:36.830 this day, some of my oldest friends don't even 00:16:36.830 --> 00:16:39.029 know all this about me just because, you know, 00:16:39.029 --> 00:16:41.570 I'm not saying I need a trauma dump on everybody 00:16:41.570 --> 00:16:45.210 I talk to because that's annoying. But, you know, 00:16:45.389 --> 00:16:49.409 it's after having friendships for 20 plus years, 00:16:49.629 --> 00:16:52.629 my silence was easier for me than bringing up 00:16:52.629 --> 00:16:55.480 tough conversations. And you know, no one in 00:16:55.480 --> 00:16:57.500 my family spoke about anything personal. I couldn't 00:16:57.500 --> 00:17:01.620 share any abuse I adored as a child. And even 00:17:01.620 --> 00:17:04.579 into my teen years, like when teenagers say anything 00:17:04.579 --> 00:17:07.579 that comes to their brain, Lord knows we all 00:17:07.579 --> 00:17:09.799 know we've all been there. You know, but when 00:17:09.799 --> 00:17:12.859 I finally had the courage to actually speak up, 00:17:13.019 --> 00:17:16.759 about my abuse in my adulthood. It's funny how 00:17:16.759 --> 00:17:18.900 some of my family, they met me where I was at. 00:17:18.920 --> 00:17:21.440 They were growing within themselves and, you 00:17:21.440 --> 00:17:24.579 know, were very accepting of me being truthful. 00:17:24.799 --> 00:17:27.500 But then other family members welcomed me with 00:17:27.500 --> 00:17:31.799 silence because that is their default. They would 00:17:31.799 --> 00:17:34.460 rather be quiet than deal with the conflict. 00:17:35.279 --> 00:17:39.259 And honestly, that part was really healing for 00:17:39.259 --> 00:17:42.589 me because it just reinforced the fact that Breaking 00:17:42.589 --> 00:17:45.849 the cycle. Yeah, I'm not contributing that in 00:17:45.849 --> 00:17:48.809 anymore I just want to take a moment and like 00:17:48.809 --> 00:17:51.269 look at that because that is really hard to do 00:17:51.269 --> 00:17:54.549 and that's really hard to do Without the support 00:17:54.549 --> 00:17:56.769 behind you and that takes a lot of strength So 00:17:56.769 --> 00:17:58.869 while you're discussing all of this and it's 00:17:58.869 --> 00:18:00.529 bringing all of these emotions and things back 00:18:00.529 --> 00:18:03.029 up I do want to acknowledge the strength that 00:18:03.029 --> 00:18:05.009 it's taking for you to talk about this but not 00:18:05.009 --> 00:18:07.309 only to talk about it But to

put it in action 00:18:07.309 --> 00:18:11.119 Well, thank you for saying that I did have a 00:18:11.119 --> 00:18:14.279 lot of support. I obviously went into this on 00:18:14.279 --> 00:18:18.460 my own, but as I became stronger in my voice, 00:18:20.019 --> 00:18:22.000 you know, a lot of my family, like I said, they 00:18:22.000 --> 00:18:24.099 met me where I was at. A lot of them reached 00:18:24.099 --> 00:18:28.579 out to me. It was, it was healing in that sense 00:18:28.579 --> 00:18:31.839 that they heard me. Cause that silence in our 00:18:31.839 --> 00:18:35.259 family had been so normalized and like so many 00:18:35.259 --> 00:18:39.849 people in my family actually wanted that conversation. 00:18:39.990 --> 00:18:43.789 We wanted that together. But, you know, unfortunately, 00:18:43.910 --> 00:18:47.609 because other people in my family are still stuck 00:18:47.609 --> 00:18:50.970 in that, you know, that cycle of silence. I mean, 00:18:51.289 --> 00:18:54.390 it created a divide and, you know, it's just 00:18:54.390 --> 00:18:57.410 something we had to accept. But I think what 00:18:57.410 --> 00:18:59.569 really kind of hit home for me is that when we're 00:18:59.569 --> 00:19:03.049 talking about how silence affects generational 00:19:03.049 --> 00:19:07.460 trauma is that It just removes context for kids, 00:19:07.460 --> 00:19:10.980 especially when kids have so many questions about 00:19:10.980 --> 00:19:14.259 the world. There's no story behind it. And then 00:19:14.259 --> 00:19:17.559 in that term, it's easy for kids to internalize 00:19:17.559 --> 00:19:21.140 and not think through it, just accept it, not 00:19:21.140 --> 00:19:24.700 question it. But then it creates this isolation 00:19:24.700 --> 00:19:27.940 and this feeling of your kids don't have to be 00:19:27.940 --> 00:19:30.759 honest, and they can be dishonest by omission. 00:19:30.990 --> 00:19:33.230 They don't have to talk about it. So I think 00:19:33.230 --> 00:19:36.589 it's just, it's setting up generations in the 00:19:36.589 --> 00:19:40.150 future for an unsafe place, you know? And again, 00:19:40.349 --> 00:19:43.230 with my own children, if you met them, you know 00:19:43.230 --> 00:19:47.369 they're not quiet. They certainly are not. We 00:19:47.369 --> 00:19:50.529 teach them that their voices matter. Their opinions 00:19:50.529 --> 00:19:53.809 matter. I will always hear them out. And I don't 00:19:53.809 --> 00:19:57.009 want them to experience this physical pain that 00:19:57.009 --> 00:20:00.430 I have in my throat. They can yell, they can 00:20:00.430 --> 00:20:02.450 scream, they can laugh. I think those are all 00:20:02.450 --> 00:20:04.789 really important things to teach. And that silence 00:20:04.789 --> 00:20:07.430 doesn't have a place here because we are all 00:20:07.430 --> 00:20:10.630 here to support one another. And you're breaking 00:20:10.630 --> 00:20:13.809 that cycle of, and I know we've probably all 00:20:13.809 --> 00:20:16.970 heard this, that's just how our family is. We 00:20:16.970 --> 00:20:19.450 don't talk about our feelings or we're supposed 00:20:19.450 --> 00:20:21.950 to be tough. Family problems stay in the family. 00:20:22.220 --> 00:20:25.200 You just move on, don't cry, work harder, don't 00:20:25.200 --> 00:20:27.039 trust people, never ask for help. Like those 00:20:27.039 --> 00:20:29.500 are things that have been said over and over 00:20:29.500 --> 00:20:32.680 and over, I'm sure in majority of families. And 00:20:32.680 --> 00:20:37.180 so you're changing that narrative. But when does 00:20:37.180 --> 00:20:41.180 a survival strategy stop being helpful and becomes 00:20:41.180 --> 00:20:44.920 harmful? I think when it starts becoming inflexible 00:20:44.920 --> 00:20:47.779 and creates the very problem it's meant to prevent. 00:20:47.960 --> 00:20:53.559 How do you recognize when that happens? I think 00:20:53.559 --> 00:20:56.200 it's really hard to recognize in the moment. 00:20:56.559 --> 00:21:01.539 It's more of a reflective thing. Because we do 00:21:01.539 --> 00:21:04.000 a lot of reactive things in the moment, right? 00:21:04.180 --> 00:21:07.059 But when you're thinking about never ask for 00:21:07.059 --> 00:21:09.299 help, but then I'm thinking about why am I so 00:21:09.299 --> 00:21:16.039 stressed? Why can't I sleep at night? Why can't 00:21:16.039 --> 00:21:18.400 I focus at work? And it's because you've put 00:21:18.400 --> 00:21:22.650 so much on your plate. that you're having these 00:21:22.650 --> 00:21:24.630 problems that are affecting other parts of your 00:21:24.630 --> 00:21:28.470 life. And I think it's really hard to recognize 00:21:28.470 --> 00:21:32.289 in the moment, but at the same time, that's how 00:21:32.289 --> 00:21:35.630 we're taught. How do we recognize when a belief 00:21:35.630 --> 00:21:37.930 has been inherited rather than something that 00:21:37.930 --> 00:21:40.289 we consciously choose, like having too much on 00:21:40.289 --> 00:21:43.009 our plate, constantly staying busy? How do we 00:21:43.009 --> 00:21:45.130 know that that's not something that we've chosen 00:21:45.130 --> 00:21:47.190 and that was something that... was passed down 00:21:47.190 --> 00:21:49.670 from generational trauma. I know for me personally 00:21:49.670 --> 00:21:52.089 it sounded like somebody else's voice in my head. 00:21:52.269 --> 00:21:55.190 It wasn't myself talking to myself. It was somebody 00:21:55.190 --> 00:21:58.170 else, that person who had told me that many times 00:21:58.170 --> 00:22:02.230 was repeating it in my head. But also I think 00:22:02.230 --> 00:22:06.589 too is when you have that reflective moment and 00:22:06.589 --> 00:22:09.400 you question yourself, why do I think that? and 00:22:09.400 --> 00:22:11.480 you can't give a reason. If you can't give a 00:22:11.480 --> 00:22:13.900 reason as to why you think that, then I think 00:22:13.900 --> 00:22:15.819 that's a problem. And if you can

give yourself 00:22:15.819 --> 00:22:18.519 a reason why, is it something you want to change? 00:22:19.180 --> 00:22:22.440 So I think you just have to be really reflective 00:22:22.440 --> 00:22:25.519 and open to your own criticism. I think that's 00:22:25.519 --> 00:22:28.019 really hard. It's really difficult. I know for 00:22:28.019 --> 00:22:30.660 me it is. Yeah, I think majority of us have a 00:22:30.660 --> 00:22:32.880 hard time with taking criticism about ourselves 00:22:32.880 --> 00:22:35.119 or self criticizing. I probably don't have a 00:22:35.119 --> 00:22:36.519 problem with self criticizing. I probably do 00:22:36.519 --> 00:22:39.759 that too much, but others criticism of myself. 00:22:41.160 --> 00:22:43.920 I think that that is something that we all kind 00:22:43.920 --> 00:22:46.299 of majority of us probably have a hard time dealing 00:22:46.299 --> 00:22:49.390 with. Yeah. You brought up being a parent and 00:22:49.390 --> 00:22:51.269 changing those cycles and changing those patterns 00:22:51.269 --> 00:22:53.609 and parenting is another area where these patterns 00:22:53.609 --> 00:22:56.690 can become especially visible. Most parents want 00:22:56.690 --> 00:22:58.490 to give their child something better than they 00:22:58.490 --> 00:23:01.309 have experienced, but sometimes we realize that 00:23:01.309 --> 00:23:03.730 we're repeating it without even knowing. And 00:23:03.730 --> 00:23:05.930 while we're talking about this, I think of something 00:23:05.930 --> 00:23:08.650 that I had said to a family member and I literally 00:23:08.650 --> 00:23:12.589 said, that stays in the family. And looking back, 00:23:12.670 --> 00:23:14.549 I'm like, well, I need to take accountability 00:23:14.549 --> 00:23:18.059 that, yeah, I said that. I did that and I need 00:23:18.059 --> 00:23:19.660 to change that moving forward. Now I'm not a 00:23:19.660 --> 00:23:22.000 parent, but I said that to somebody in my family. 00:23:23.920 --> 00:23:28.700 So why is that so difficult for us to parent 00:23:28.700 --> 00:23:33.579 differently than how we were parented? Girl, 00:23:33.940 --> 00:23:35.460 let me tell you, it's harder than you think. 00:23:36.380 --> 00:23:38.859 You think you have it figured out. I mean and 00:23:38.859 --> 00:23:41.200 I personally have been to therapy in my 20s So 00:23:41.200 --> 00:23:43.700 I'm like I've worked through things. I'm good. 00:23:43.740 --> 00:23:45.960 I'm gonna be a great parent No things come up 00:23:45.960 --> 00:23:49.440 that you will not Anticipate and in any way shape 00:23:49.440 --> 00:23:51.740 or form because in those moments stress, especially 00:23:51.740 --> 00:23:54.059 once your kids start talking You're just like 00:23:54.059 --> 00:23:59.680 Lord. Here they go, but it's so easy to default 00:24:00.059 --> 00:24:02.640 and go back to those patterns that you work so 00:24:02.640 --> 00:24:04.920 hard to get through. Even if you've worked through 00:24:04.920 --> 00:24:06.799

them, especially if you haven't worked through 00:24:06.799 --> 00:24:10.420 them, it's easy to default to those. And I, you 00:24:10.420 --> 00:24:12.240 know, some people too, you know, they haven't 00:24:12.240 --> 00:24:14.240 worked on anything and they can't model something 00:24:14.240 --> 00:24:16.960 they haven't seen. And, you know, I compare it 00:24:16.960 --> 00:24:20.160 to somebody who has to present a speech or, you 00:24:20.160 --> 00:24:21.960 know, give a lecture on a topic that they've 00:24:21.960 --> 00:24:23.960 learned nothing about. They don't have the tools. 00:24:24.000 --> 00:24:26.599 They don't have the prep. And some, you know, 00:24:26.619 --> 00:24:30.460 parents don't have that accessibility. to resources 00:24:30.460 --> 00:24:33.680 to break those cycles. But I'll give kind of 00:24:33.680 --> 00:24:36.039 a personal experience how difficult it has been 00:24:36.039 --> 00:24:40.140 for me. My first, and I'm lucky to have a bonus 00:24:40.140 --> 00:24:43.140 kid as well, but I didn't meet her until she 00:24:43.140 --> 00:24:46.460 was in her toddler years. So I had gone through 00:24:46.460 --> 00:24:49.900 a whole time with a kid at a certain age who 00:24:49.900 --> 00:24:53.960 could tell me what she wanted and voice her opinion. 00:24:54.180 --> 00:24:56.579 You know, I was at that age with her. When it 00:24:56.579 --> 00:24:59.519 came in, so with my first that I physically had, 00:25:00.099 --> 00:25:02.359 I had to do things differently with her, obviously. 00:25:02.539 --> 00:25:04.660 I had to raise her, you know, I had to dress 00:25:04.660 --> 00:25:10.079 her, I had to feed her and I had a very triggering 00:25:10.079 --> 00:25:12.680 moment when she became older and a normal thing 00:25:12.680 --> 00:25:14.220 for kids to do when you get them dressed when 00:25:14.220 --> 00:25:17.779 they don't want to is they kick. They kick and 00:25:17.779 --> 00:25:19.759 they kick and they kick and unfortunately something 00:25:19.759 --> 00:25:23.140 in my past with my abuse involved a lot of kicking. 00:25:23.819 --> 00:25:28.819 And I was dressing her. She kicked me. And I, 00:25:28.819 --> 00:25:32.160 I lost it. Like I, I yelled at her and I was 00:25:32.160 --> 00:25:35.619 like, don't do that. I got really stern. And 00:25:35.619 --> 00:25:39.819 I then became avoidant of that task. My husband 00:25:39.819 --> 00:25:43.759 had to become the default parent to dress our 00:25:43.759 --> 00:25:47.200 kids. Cause I just, I couldn't do it. And I would 00:25:47.200 --> 00:25:50.799 almost be in a breakdown at that point. And I 00:25:50.799 --> 00:25:53.849 knew At that point, I was like, man, this is 00:25:53.849 --> 00:25:56.289 not healthy. This is not healthy. But I was protecting 00:25:56.289 --> 00:25:59.670 myself from the kicking. But I didn't realize 00:25:59.670 --> 00:26:02.789 I was creating a distance with me and my kid. 00:26:02.950 --> 00:26:05.349 It was something I physically could not provide 00:26:05.349 --> 00:26:08.049 her. And it really wasn't until my husband approached 00:26:08.049 --> 00:26:11.549 me. It's like, hey, you know, I don't mind doing 00:26:11.549 --> 00:26:15.109 this. You know, he's a great dad. He steps in 00:26:15.109 --> 00:26:17.230 wherever he's needed. But he's like, there's 00:26:17.230 --> 00:26:19.269 something going on here. And I was like, oh my 00:26:19.269 --> 00:26:22.769 god. way to hold me accountable, Carson. But, 00:26:22.869 --> 00:26:27.490 you know, I realized I was participating in an 00:26:27.490 --> 00:26:31.630 emotion that I worked so hard to avoid, that 00:26:31.630 --> 00:26:34.289 conflict avoidance. And I just thought in my 00:26:34.289 --> 00:26:36.250 mind, and I told him, I was like, this is what 00:26:36.250 --> 00:26:40.170 I was taught. I was taught to be quiet. I was 00:26:40.170 --> 00:26:42.410 taught not to voice what was really going on 00:26:42.410 --> 00:26:45.250 in my head, even though sometimes I would go 00:26:45.250 --> 00:26:49.059 into my room and just cry about it. So It took 00:26:49.059 --> 00:26:52.299 me a couple weeks, but I ended up seeking help 00:26:52.299 --> 00:26:55.099 for it and having to go through therapy work 00:26:55.099 --> 00:26:59.420 through you know that specific triggering moment 00:26:59.420 --> 00:27:04.599 and You know, it's just funny how easily I defaulted 00:27:04.599 --> 00:27:08.039 to that emotion that I had Learned that behavior 00:27:08.039 --> 00:27:10.960 of just being avoidant of the situation pretend 00:27:10.960 --> 00:27:12.700 it's not there I'll do anything and everything 00:27:12.700 --> 00:27:15.619 to avoid it and I I sure did and my husband enabled 00:27:15.619 --> 00:27:19.519 me until he didn't you know I just reflect on 00:27:19.519 --> 00:27:23.400 it and be like, how many of us do that? So many 00:27:23.400 --> 00:27:26.119 of us do that. It's just easier to default than 00:27:26.119 --> 00:27:30.640 to change. Absolutely. And it's a testament also 00:27:30.640 --> 00:27:34.039 to we can think that we're healed, but if something 00:27:34.039 --> 00:27:38.119 happens and we get triggered, we go back to being 00:27:38.119 --> 00:27:40.960 that person at that age we were when that happened 00:27:40.960 --> 00:27:45.869 and trying not to let that happen again. going 00:27:45.869 --> 00:27:49.650 back to therapy was another strong move of recognizing 00:27:49.650 --> 00:27:51.549 that that was something you needed, even with 00:27:51.549 --> 00:27:55.069 the help of Carson, and learning how to deal 00:27:55.069 --> 00:27:58.130 with that so that you could be there for your 00:27:58.130 --> 00:28:00.970 girls. Mm -hmm. Yeah, and that was a thing too, 00:28:01.130 --> 00:28:03.089 is like when I was talking to my therapist, I 00:28:03.089 --> 00:28:04.849 was like telling her what was going on, and she 00:28:04.849 --> 00:28:07.430 was like, I can tell this is hurting you because 00:28:07.430 --> 00:28:10.509 this

is creating a separation between you and 00:28:10.509 --> 00:28:13.609 your kids. And I, if I would have continued that 00:28:13.609 --> 00:28:17.319 behavior, I would have continued to instill in 00:28:17.319 --> 00:28:20.380 my kids a feeling that they could not explain 00:28:20.380 --> 00:28:23.279 and they didn't know why. And I don't want to 00:28:23.279 --> 00:28:25.900 do that. They will know why they feel the feelings 00:28:25.900 --> 00:28:27.900 that they feel. You know, I don't want them to 00:28:27.900 --> 00:28:32.720 question it ever. And that just brings up about 00:28:32.720 --> 00:28:37.759 parenting and us as kids to our parents of can 00:28:37.759 --> 00:28:40.859 we love our parents deeply while recognizing 00:28:40.859 --> 00:28:44.000 that some things they experienced weren't healthy. 00:28:44.119 --> 00:28:48.900 Oh, 100%. I think that both those things can 00:28:48.900 --> 00:28:53.019 coexist. And for me personally, when it comes 00:28:53.019 --> 00:28:54.819 to thinking about the people that raised me, 00:28:55.000 --> 00:28:57.380 you know, all of them have a place in my heart. 00:28:57.619 --> 00:29:00.559 They do. But when it came to me working through 00:29:00.559 --> 00:29:03.500 my issues and, you know, generational trauma, 00:29:03.779 --> 00:29:07.400 it was anger, right? We feel anger. We feel resentment. 00:29:07.680 --> 00:29:10.559 But then when you become a parent yourself, you 00:29:10.559 --> 00:29:14.529 realize how hard it is. And it creates a space 00:29:14.529 --> 00:29:18.650 for empathy. And I think holding that space for 00:29:18.650 --> 00:29:21.849 the people that raised you and having that empathy 00:29:21.849 --> 00:29:24.109 and understanding, even if they haven't worked 00:29:24.109 --> 00:29:26.049 through their issues, because that's not in your 00:29:26.049 --> 00:29:29.089 control. I think that in itself is healing, being 00:29:29.089 --> 00:29:31.809 able to understand where they're at, meeting 00:29:31.809 --> 00:29:34.990 them where they're at, but knowing at the same 00:29:34.990 --> 00:29:38.269 time you want a difference for your family and 00:29:38.269 --> 00:29:42.529 your kids and yourself. So what happens when 00:29:42.529 --> 00:29:45.470 you realize, when you become a parent and you 00:29:45.470 --> 00:29:47.630 realize, I don't want to repeat this cycle. I 00:29:47.630 --> 00:29:52.349 don't want to repeat what happens to me. Hey 00:29:52.349 --> 00:29:54.210 Terry, my name is Jessica and this is exactly 00:29:54.210 --> 00:29:58.430 where I'm at. Again, I think it, I mean I decided 00:29:58.430 --> 00:30:01.250 this in my early 20s. I did not want a family 00:30:01.250 --> 00:30:05.490 like I grew up in. You know, there were things 00:30:05.490 --> 00:30:08.130 within my family that I wanted to keep with me 00:30:08.130 --> 00:30:11.170 close because I was taught good values. I was 00:30:11.170 --> 00:30:13.990 taught a lot of things that I hold near and dear. 00:30:14.190 --> 00:30:16.490 But when it comes to the emotional capacity, 00:30:16.769 --> 00:30:19.529 that's something I wanted to change. And I think 00:30:19.529 --> 00:30:22.250 when it started hindering me in my adult life, 00:30:22.490 --> 00:30:25.730 that's when that light bulb went off. And I think 00:30:25.730 --> 00:30:30.009 if somebody is struggling and they don't know 00:30:30.009 --> 00:30:33.299 why, they can't explain why. but they're exhibiting 00:30:33.299 --> 00:30:35.480 behaviors that they don't like and they quote 00:30:35.480 --> 00:30:38.839 unquote don't recognize themselves. That's when 00:30:38.839 --> 00:30:41.339 you need to reflect and be like, I don't want 00:30:41.339 --> 00:30:45.579 to repeat this. Yeah. And how does that show 00:30:45.579 --> 00:30:49.440 up in everyday parenting? Man, every day. Like 00:30:49.440 --> 00:30:51.299 you said, every day. That's the part I hear. 00:30:51.420 --> 00:30:55.380 It shows up every day. But I think breaking the 00:30:55.380 --> 00:30:58.880 cycle, it shows up. You know, in your patience, 00:30:59.079 --> 00:31:01.599 it shows up in what kind of grace you have for 00:31:01.599 --> 00:31:04.519 yourself. It shows up in being able to help your 00:31:04.519 --> 00:31:06.880 kids name emotions instead of suppressing them. 00:31:06.940 --> 00:31:09.440 Don't tell them to suck it up. Don't tell them 00:31:09.440 --> 00:31:12.140 that everything's going to be okay. Ask them 00:31:12.140 --> 00:31:14.279 why they're feeling, why they're feeling, what 00:31:14.279 --> 00:31:18.400 they're feeling. And I think, too, in yourself, 00:31:18.619 --> 00:31:23.039 I think it's allowing space for mistakes. I made 00:31:23.039 --> 00:31:27.529 a mistake when my kid kicked me. and that wasn't 00:31:27.529 --> 00:31:32.009 on them, that was on me, you know, and they too 00:31:32.009 --> 00:31:35.650 are gonna make mistakes. And I think how we overcome 00:31:35.650 --> 00:31:40.710 those mistakes together and collectively is how 00:31:40.710 --> 00:31:42.950 we break the cycle. I mean, really, we need to, 00:31:43.569 --> 00:31:46.869 and that's why I'm so grateful as well for my 00:31:46.869 --> 00:31:50.309 husband, cause he supports me. I support him. 00:31:50.470 --> 00:31:53.789 We do it together, but we also parent together. 00:31:54.460 --> 00:31:58.359 And we are aligned in the fact that we will be 00:31:58.359 --> 00:32:01.119 breaking these cycles that we were taught, you 00:32:01.119 --> 00:32:03.140 know, and surrounding yourself with important 00:32:03.140 --> 00:32:07.000 people, I think, or people who align with how 00:32:07.000 --> 00:32:10.200 you feel, I think is really how you start to 00:32:10.200 --> 00:32:12.420 break the cycle. And I think that's where this 00:32:12.420 --> 00:32:14.460 conversation becomes hopeful, is understanding 00:32:14.460 --> 00:32:17.700 where something came from doesn't mean we're 00:32:17.700 --> 00:32:22.089 powerless to change it. And I think you just

00:32:22.089 --> 00:32:23.970 spoke about how important like your spouse is 00:32:23.970 --> 00:32:27.210 and having people who also have the same beliefs, 00:32:27.230 --> 00:32:32.869 values, wants that you have. So what is the first 00:32:32.869 --> 00:32:36.730 step someone can take when they recognize the 00:32:36.730 --> 00:32:40.930 generational trauma in their family? I would 00:32:40.930 --> 00:32:44.289 say seeking help first and foremost. And it doesn't 00:32:44.289 --> 00:32:46.430 have to be from a licensed professional. It can 00:32:46.430 --> 00:32:49.960 be seeking asylum in a family member. your sister, 00:32:50.000 --> 00:32:53.720 brother, spouse, mom. I mean, it can be the person 00:32:53.720 --> 00:32:56.960 who you blame for your generational trauma. Like 00:32:56.960 --> 00:32:59.180 I said, both things can exist. You can still 00:32:59.180 --> 00:33:01.720 love them and know you want different for yourself, 00:33:01.740 --> 00:33:03.640 but they could also still be your safe place. 00:33:04.579 --> 00:33:08.500 So I think seeking help from somebody is, you 00:33:08.500 --> 00:33:13.640 know, the first step, first and foremost. And 00:33:13.640 --> 00:33:17.059 then, you know, Hold yourself accountable. Don't 00:33:17.059 --> 00:33:19.380 just go seek asylum and not do anything about 00:33:19.380 --> 00:33:21.960 it afterwards. That's not gonna fix it Letting 00:33:21.960 --> 00:33:25.980 it air out one time is not gonna fix it You need 00:33:25.980 --> 00:33:28.160 to work through those feelings and it's gonna 00:33:28.160 --> 00:33:30.920 be hard Acknowledging that it's gonna be hard, 00:33:30.980 --> 00:33:33.559 but it'll be worth it. Does breaking the cycle 00:33:33.559 --> 00:33:36.940 mean confronting that family member or can you 00:33:36.940 --> 00:33:39.619 do it? Internally like can you process these 00:33:39.619 --> 00:33:41.819 emotions and these feelings internally without 00:33:41.819 --> 00:33:45.460 confronting? I mean, I I think you whatever journey 00:33:45.460 --> 00:33:48.779 for you personally. I think both avenues are 00:33:48.779 --> 00:33:51.500 healthy avenues. Some people can't confront people 00:33:51.500 --> 00:33:54.119 and their family. They're no longer here. You 00:33:54.119 --> 00:33:56.039 know, you have to be at peace with that. But 00:33:56.039 --> 00:33:58.819 also, maybe confronting that person will put 00:33:58.819 --> 00:34:02.839 you even in a bigger, dangerous space than just 00:34:02.839 --> 00:34:05.180 not confronting them. You know, you don't want 00:34:05.180 --> 00:34:07.900 to put you or your family in danger, so why would 00:34:07.900 --> 00:34:10.659 you do that? But at the same time, some people 00:34:10.659 --> 00:34:13.460 need that. for healing. And I think first and 00:34:13.460 --> 00:34:16.219 foremost, being aligned with your immediate family, 00:34:16.360 --> 00:34:18.760 those who are important to you, those in your 00:34:18.760 --> 00:34:21.980 household, is what is first and foremost important. 00:34:22.800 --> 00:34:25.889 But, you know, every family's complicated. We 00:34:25.889 --> 00:34:29.190 all know that. So I think it depends on your 00:34:29.190 --> 00:34:31.710 situation, but I think both can be true. And 00:34:31.710 --> 00:34:34.269 we've done a lot of talk about boundaries and 00:34:34.269 --> 00:34:36.650 how therapy counseling groups like that, that 00:34:36.650 --> 00:34:39.110 can be beneficial. And you've talked about how 00:34:39.110 --> 00:34:41.469 your husband has been with you and the support 00:34:41.469 --> 00:34:44.510 that you got from your family, but can breaking 00:34:44.510 --> 00:34:47.230 the cycle sometimes feel lonely or uncomfortable? 00:34:48.219 --> 00:34:51.599 Yeah, but here's here's the thing with boundaries 00:34:51.599 --> 00:34:54.340 They're what is going to change your generational 00:34:54.340 --> 00:34:57.000 drama and putting that into future generations 00:34:57.000 --> 00:34:59.420 You need to set boundaries with those who are 00:34:59.420 --> 00:35:02.599 gonna be in your kids life in your life I mean, 00:35:02.639 --> 00:35:05.039 it's just the same thing of I don't want people 00:35:05.039 --> 00:35:07.619 casting around my kids That's a boundary and 00:35:07.619 --> 00:35:09.840 that's an important one because you see the bigger 00:35:09.840 --> 00:35:12.760 picture for your kid or I don't want my kids 00:35:12.760 --> 00:35:14.860 eating all that sugar even though you know grandma 00:35:14.860 --> 00:35:18.280 snuck him a little candy. But you know, boundaries 00:35:18.280 --> 00:35:22.159 are so important and I think if you're setting 00:35:22.159 --> 00:35:25.699 boundaries that are making you feel lonely, one, 00:35:25.820 --> 00:35:28.119 you either need to reflect on your boundaries 00:35:28.119 --> 00:35:31.280 or two, you need to reflect on who you're surrounding 00:35:31.280 --> 00:35:34.440 yourself with. Because if those boundaries are 00:35:34.440 --> 00:35:37.260 making you feel lonely, one of those two things 00:35:37.260 --> 00:35:40.409 are the problem. Yeah, absolutely. I think with 00:35:40.409 --> 00:35:44.530 changing traditions and changing parenting, there 00:35:44.530 --> 00:35:47.369 could be a lot of guilt involved in that. How 00:35:47.369 --> 00:35:49.710 do we handle the guilt that can come along with 00:35:49.710 --> 00:35:52.469 doing things differently from the rest of our 00:35:52.469 --> 00:35:55.510 family? Personally for me, it's about perspective. 00:35:55.829 --> 00:35:59.710 My guilt is so minimal in my perspective on what 00:35:59.710 --> 00:36:02.989 I want and the goals for my children and my family. 00:36:03.820 --> 00:36:05.860 And like I said, I'm lucky enough to have a supportive 00:36:05.860 --> 00:36:08.320 spouse that has had these conversations with 00:36:08.320 --> 00:36:13.260 me and that we're aligned on. But what we reinforce 00:36:13.260 --> 00:36:17.219 in each other is we don't make

anybody feel guilty 00:36:17.219 --> 00:36:20.659 about what we're choosing for our family. There's 00:36:20.659 --> 00:36:23.099 reasons. I don't have to explain my reasons. 00:36:23.400 --> 00:36:25.280 I think putting yourself in a position where 00:36:25.280 --> 00:36:29.059 you view yourself as an adult, as a capable parent, 00:36:29.579 --> 00:36:33.670 as a capable human, and that you, your parents 00:36:33.670 --> 00:36:36.730 have waited for you to be 18. They, you know, 00:36:36.829 --> 00:36:38.650 all parents say, I can't wait till you're 18, 00:36:38.849 --> 00:36:41.210 you're out of here. But still they, in some sense, 00:36:41.369 --> 00:36:45.650 they want control. And I think we have to let 00:36:45.650 --> 00:36:49.690 go of that guilt and not hold space for it because 00:36:49.690 --> 00:36:52.449 they are supposed to raise you. You as a parent, 00:36:52.570 --> 00:36:54.809 I think it was Jamie Lee Curtis who said this, 00:36:55.329 --> 00:36:58.150 the one guaranteed thing you have as a parent 00:36:58.829 --> 00:37:01.570 is that you're raising your kids to be without 00:37:01.570 --> 00:37:05.809 you one day. And that's really stuck with me 00:37:05.809 --> 00:37:09.070 because it's like, I myself, yes, as a child, 00:37:09.190 --> 00:37:12.030 but my parents raised me to be without them. 00:37:12.269 --> 00:37:15.630 And one day I will be, you know? I mean, you 00:37:15.630 --> 00:37:18.030 are, you're learning to live without your dad. 00:37:19.210 --> 00:37:23.929 And I think not having that guilt around meeting 00:37:23.929 --> 00:37:27.349 their expectations, I mean, it's a hard one. 00:37:27.480 --> 00:37:29.900 But you are capable. You are a capable adult. 00:37:30.019 --> 00:37:32.199 You're a capable human being. And I know we've 00:37:32.199 --> 00:37:34.579 talked a lot about breaking cycles and trauma, 00:37:34.579 --> 00:37:38.519 but there are positive things, positive traditions, 00:37:38.760 --> 00:37:42.260 positive things that can come from families and 00:37:42.260 --> 00:37:45.780 traditions. And so we want to appreciate those, 00:37:45.960 --> 00:37:48.920 not just spend all this time bad mouthing the 00:37:48.920 --> 00:37:50.420 things that we learn from our parents, because 00:37:50.420 --> 00:37:53.500 there are some good qualities. So can someone 00:37:53.500 --> 00:37:55.760 honor their family history without carrying that 00:37:55.760 --> 00:38:00.889 trauma? I think for me personally, I am very 00:38:00.889 --> 00:38:04.090 proud to be one a female. Yes, there was a lot 00:38:04.090 --> 00:38:07.030 of pressure put on me, but I think that was in 00:38:07.030 --> 00:38:10.949 a sense, it was done wrong, but it was done nonetheless. 00:38:11.150 --> 00:38:14.570 And I think empowering females is something that 00:38:14.570 --> 00:38:16.789 was done in my family and needs to be done more 00:38:16.789 --> 00:38:21.289 in a better way. I'm proud to be Hispanic. My 00:38:21.289 --> 00:38:24.050 family is proud to be Hispanic. We thrive in 00:38:24.050 --> 00:38:27.760 our culture, whether that's through food, traditions, 00:38:28.260 --> 00:38:31.400 holidays, there are certain things we do. And 00:38:31.400 --> 00:38:33.380 I think that's something that, like you said, 00:38:33.539 --> 00:38:36.440 there are good values that were taught in my 00:38:36.440 --> 00:38:39.679 family personally. There were good memories that 00:38:39.679 --> 00:38:42.099 I love telling the stories about. It was hard 00:38:42.099 --> 00:38:44.539 to separate sometimes the memories, the good 00:38:44.539 --> 00:38:46.960 ones with the bad ones. But I think living in 00:38:46.960 --> 00:38:49.960 the good ones after processing the bad ones, 00:38:50.400 --> 00:38:53.360 I mean, it's just how you get through, you know? 00:38:53.630 --> 00:38:56.610 And I want my kids to know where they're from. 00:38:57.510 --> 00:39:00.630 Because I experienced what I did so they didn't 00:39:00.630 --> 00:39:03.289 have to. But there were good things then, you 00:39:03.289 --> 00:39:07.010 know. So I think through traditions, through 00:39:07.010 --> 00:39:09.630 culture, food, like you had mentioned before, 00:39:09.789 --> 00:39:11.610 I mean, there's all kinds of good things that 00:39:11.610 --> 00:39:15.590 come out of our families, you know. Even driving 00:39:15.590 --> 00:39:17.929 past an old house or something, you know, that 00:39:17.929 --> 00:39:20.570 stuff is fun living in the past, even if... Not 00:39:20.570 --> 00:39:22.570 fun things happen in that house. You know, it's 00:39:22.570 --> 00:39:25.989 still a foundation of you. Yeah. And I want to 00:39:25.989 --> 00:39:28.769 take a moment here and pause and invite everyone 00:39:28.769 --> 00:39:31.469 listening to not answer these questions out loud. 00:39:31.530 --> 00:39:33.230 You can write them down if you want, or you don't 00:39:33.230 --> 00:39:35.889 have to at all. But just sit with these questions. 00:39:36.030 --> 00:39:42.690 What did my family teach me about emotions? What 00:39:42.690 --> 00:39:46.110 did they teach me about conflict, about asking 00:39:46.110 --> 00:39:49.230 for help? What did they teach me about trust? 00:39:50.230 --> 00:39:54.849 and love. What patterns did they teach me? And 00:39:54.849 --> 00:39:59.949 what patterns am I ready to leave behind? Now 00:39:59.949 --> 00:40:03.710 here's the most important question. What do I 00:40:03.710 --> 00:40:10.929 want to pass on to the next generation? Sometimes 00:40:10.929 --> 00:40:13.449 conversations about trauma can leave people thinking 00:40:13.449 --> 00:40:16.289 about everything that went wrong. And like I 00:40:16.289 --> 00:40:18.170 said earlier, we have those traditions and there 00:40:18.170 --> 00:40:21.349 were good experiences. So I also want to talk 00:40:21.349 --> 00:40:23.769 real quickly about some resilience, because some 00:40:23.769 --> 00:40:26.510 families don't only pass down trauma. We pass

00:40:26.510 --> 00:40:29.090 down what Jessica was talking about, strength, 00:40:29.489 --> 00:40:33.550 traditions, humor, compassion, and that resilience. 00:40:33.769 --> 00:40:35.670 What does it mean to become the person in your 00:40:35.670 --> 00:40:38.389 family who says it stops with me? It's a really 00:40:38.389 --> 00:40:41.670 big weight. It's hard to know if and what you're 00:40:41.670 --> 00:40:44.250 doing is the right thing, because we cannot see 00:40:44.250 --> 00:40:46.369 the future, right? We're doing what we think 00:40:46.369 --> 00:40:48.929 is best in the moment, but that's also what our 00:40:48.929 --> 00:40:54.389 parents did, right? So that unknown is scary 00:40:54.389 --> 00:40:57.889 and it's heavy. But I think, like I said before, 00:40:58.190 --> 00:41:00.510 I constantly have to remind myself to hold space 00:41:00.510 --> 00:41:03.889 for mistakes and acknowledging that everything 00:41:03.889 --> 00:41:06.010 is not going to be perfect, which is very hard 00:41:06.010 --> 00:41:08.409 for somebody who struggles with performance based 00:41:08.409 --> 00:41:11.289 acceptance. But I have to continually remind 00:41:11.289 --> 00:41:14.309 myself and I have phrases that I repeat to myself 00:41:14.309 --> 00:41:16.630 when those hard moments come up because it is 00:41:16.630 --> 00:41:19.639 really, it's a heavy one. It's a heavy one. And 00:41:19.639 --> 00:41:23.119 I really don't like the term mistakes. I don't 00:41:23.119 --> 00:41:26.860 think they are mistakes. Like you did say mistake 00:41:26.860 --> 00:41:29.260 before about when you were telling the story 00:41:29.260 --> 00:41:31.920 about your daughter kicking you. And you said 00:41:31.920 --> 00:41:33.900 it was a mistake on your part. I don't see it 00:41:33.900 --> 00:41:36.539 as a mistake. If you didn't learn from it and 00:41:36.539 --> 00:41:38.659 grow from it, yeah, then it would be a mistake. 00:41:38.679 --> 00:41:41.360 But you took that as an opportunity to grow and 00:41:41.360 --> 00:41:44.840 to learn. So I'm looking at these things that 00:41:44.840 --> 00:41:46.920 you're saying are mistakes and looking them. 00:41:47.210 --> 00:41:51.929 and trying to reframe them from mistakes to opportunities 00:41:51.929 --> 00:41:56.650 for growth and learning. And so if somebody wasn't 00:41:56.650 --> 00:41:58.949 doing what you're doing and taking those off, 00:41:59.030 --> 00:42:00.730 like taking those and learning from them and 00:42:00.730 --> 00:42:03.030 growing from them, then yeah, I can see most 00:42:03.030 --> 00:42:07.690 mistakes. But I want to rephrase that into opportunities 00:42:07.690 --> 00:42:11.070 for growth and learning. See, this is what my 00:42:11.070 --> 00:42:12.750 therapist should have told me to repeat myself. 00:42:12.769 --> 00:42:15.039 I don't make mistakes. I was kidding. No, I think 00:42:15.039 --> 00:42:18.280 that's a really good perspective and hence why 00:42:18.280 --> 00:42:20.860 everybody

always calls you a positive Polly. 00:42:21.059 --> 00:42:24.219 You know, it's, I mean, it is a good, it is a 00:42:24.219 --> 00:42:26.480 really great perspective. I do that for everybody 00:42:26.480 --> 00:42:31.480 else, not for me. For me, it's easier to talk 00:42:31.480 --> 00:42:33.559 to everybody else about your problems. But self 00:42:33.559 --> 00:42:36.039 -reflecting is really hard. It's a really hard 00:42:36.039 --> 00:42:39.260 thing to do. Being self -critical is very easy. 00:42:39.920 --> 00:42:42.659 Now it's one final question. What is one message 00:42:42.659 --> 00:42:45.349 of hope? That you would leave with the people 00:42:45.349 --> 00:42:48.730 listening today the weight That you're feeling 00:42:48.730 --> 00:42:53.329 from generational trauma does get lighter It 00:42:53.329 --> 00:42:57.969 gets lighter Like I said by the people who continually 00:42:57.969 --> 00:43:04.349 love and support you by letting go there is There 00:43:04.349 --> 00:43:08.909 is hope on the other side I mean there is it's 00:43:08.909 --> 00:43:11.949 it's brighter. It's so much brighter, and there's 00:43:11.949 --> 00:43:17.150 so much joy worth living than living in that 00:43:17.150 --> 00:43:19.489 trauma, whether it's generational or personal 00:43:19.489 --> 00:43:22.750 or both in most people's cases. There is life 00:43:22.750 --> 00:43:27.150 worth living. There is joy worth having. I think 00:43:27.150 --> 00:43:29.230 one of the most powerful things about understanding 00:43:29.230 --> 00:43:33.090 generational trauma is realizing that our past 00:43:33.090 --> 00:43:35.469 can explain us without having to define us. We 00:43:35.469 --> 00:43:37.809 may not get to choose what happened to us before. 00:43:38.150 --> 00:43:40.690 We may not be able to change the people who came 00:43:40.690 --> 00:43:43.670 before us. But we can become more intentional 00:43:43.670 --> 00:43:45.989 about what we carry forward. Sometimes healing 00:43:45.989 --> 00:43:48.469 looks like setting a boundary. Sometimes it looks 00:43:48.469 --> 00:43:51.269 like asking for help. Sometimes it looks like 00:43:51.269 --> 00:43:54.489 parenting differently. Sometimes it looks like 00:43:54.489 --> 00:43:56.449 finally talking about something that was never 00:43:56.449 --> 00:43:59.230 talked about before. And sometimes healing is 00:43:59.230 --> 00:44:02.150 simply recognizing this pattern may have started 00:44:02.150 --> 00:44:05.030 before me, but it does not have to continue because 00:44:05.030 --> 00:44:07.030 of me. So thank you for joining me for another 00:44:07.030 --> 00:44:09.349 episode of Dragonfly Moments conversations that 00:44:09.349 --> 00:44:12.320 matter. Thank you Jessica for your vulnerability 00:44:12.320 --> 00:44:14.619 today and you're willing to talk about all of 00:44:14.619 --> 00:44:17.420 this. Until next time, please remember to notice 00:44:17.420 --> 00:44:19.760 the little moments, give yourself permission 00:44:19.760 --> 00:44:22.940 to heal, and remember you don't have to have 00:44:22.940 --> 00:44:24.880 everything figured out to take the next step. 00:44:24.980 --> 00:44:27.639 Be sure to follow us on Instagram, Facebook, 00:44:27.800 --> 00:44:31.500 and our new TikTok account for coping skills, 00:44:31.820 --> 00:44:35.000 updates on episodes, and possibly a little behind 00:44:35.000 --> 00:44:37.760 the scenes. But please let us know of any dragonfly 00:44:37.760 --> 00:44:39.659 moments that you have. I'd love to hear them. 00:44:39.780 --> 00:44:42.539 And this is your time, your moment. Take the 00:44:42.539 --> 00:44:45.780 time that you need and make it matter. Thank 00:44:45.780 --> 00:44:46.039 you.