Full Transcript for 145. Confrontation That Builds Trust: How to Handle Conflict Without Creating Fear

home. 00:05:47.069 --> 00:05:52.350 If I have a healthy relationship with my husband, we don't argue much. 00:05:52.829 --> 00:05:58.750 And I I think I want to confront the idea that that's true, right? 00:05:58.910 --> 00:06:08.589 And and say that healthy relationships aren't measured by the quantity of conflict, but by how you move through disconnections. 00:06:08.750 --> 00:06:24.430 And some couples, honestly, strong personalities are probably gonna have more disconnection at times in their relationship than people who are wired differently, that just naturally kind of move and ebb with the flow of the river, whatever it is. 00:06:24.589 --> 00:06:33.310 Like you and I probably, probably largely because of my personality, honestly, our dynamic, we do have a lot of conflict. 00:06:33.550 --> 00:06:42.350 When I say we have a lot of conflict, I mean we have a lot of opportunities in the day where my differences and your differences collide. 00:06:43.230 --> 00:06:49.550 And over the years, we've gotten better and better and better at navigating through those opportunities for disconnection. 00:06:49.629 --> 00:06:51.629 That's called conflict resolution. 00:06:51.949 --> 00:06:53.470 That's called conflict management. 00:06:53.709 --> 00:07:00.589 And because I'm wired the way that I am and you're wired the way that you are, we have to do that pretty regularly. 00:07:01.470 --> 00:07:04.350 And our marriage is better for it. 00:07:04.750 --> 00:07:11.310 Like we're we're actually so much stronger than we were back in the beginning when we didn't know how to do that well. 00:07:11.550 --> 00:07:11.870 Yeah. 00:07:12.110 --> 00:07:31.069 So I what you said to me, and I'm just gonna probably like quote you slash maybe I won't get the words exactly right, but what I heard you say a couple weeks ago that I loved was you said, I want a reputation as someone who will confront quickly. 00:07:31.470 --> 00:07:32.910 Yeah, but that is what it's like. 00:07:32.990 --> 00:07:35.310 I want, and you were talking about it in the context of Braveco. 00:07:35.470 --> 00:07:42.910 You're like, I want to get a reputation amongst leaders, men, people in our community. 00:07:43.069 --> 00:07:46.829 I want to be the guy who everybody expects. 00:07:47.230 --> 00:07:49.550 If I mess around, Jason's gonna talk to me. 00:07:50.110 --> 00:07:53.949 If there's a disconnection, Jason's gonna bring it up so that we can repair it. 00:07:54.269 --> 00:07:59.550 If there's a like basically, it's kind of like a you're not gonna get away with anything around me. 00:08:00.189 --> 00:08:04.509 And not even in a negative way, but it's like, no, I care about my leadership. 00:08:04.589 --> 00:08:08.030 I care about the relationships that exist inside of my leadership. 00:08:08.350 --> 00:08:19.550 I want to be known as someone who will confront quickly because your heart truly is for team and it's for moving together, it's for connection. 00:08:19.870 --> 00:08:34.269 And we don't get the benefit of awesome connection with people, whether in our homes or in our leadership worlds, without the ability to manage conflict and have healthy confrontation skills. 00:08:34.429 --> 00:08:36.029 And I was inspired by that, honestly. 00:08:36.189 --> 00:08:38.429 I'm like, yeah, I want that reputation too. 00:08:38.669 --> 00:08:40.269 Like, yeah. 00:08:40.589 --> 00:08:54.029 For when I look at Jesus, I've been thinking a lot about the man Jesus and who he was and some of the different attributes that made him just so such an incredible leader. 00:08:54.110 --> 00:08:54.429 Yeah. 00:08:54.669 --> 00:09:02.909 And Jesus's ability to confront in love consistently was so profound. 00:09:02.989 --> 00:09:03.309 Yeah. 00:09:03.469 --> 00:09:06.189 And confront the people that he loved the most. 00:09:06.589 --> 00:09:13.629 And so I know for me, just my nature naturally is how can I help? 00:09:13.949 --> 00:09:16.909 And I really want to please. 00:09:16.989 --> 00:09:21.389 I don't want to rock the boat, but more than I don't want to rock the boat, I don't want to disappoint. 00:09:21.629 --> 00:09:24.109 I love helping people so much. 00:09:24.349 --> 00:09:39.149 And inside of helping people, that for a long time I was okay with betraying my own needs or conscience, even if it meant like I don't really want to, I don't want to have conflict in between us. 00:09:39.309 --> 00:09:43.309 I'd rather just like fix it some other way, fix it somehow. 00:09:43.629 --> 00:09:59.629 As I've gotten older, as we're leading more things, as our family's growing, as Braveco is growing, as the church is growing, the also my my need for greater leadership is growing. 00:09:59.949 --> 00:10:08.429 And I'm watching just as your kids get older, for instance, if you think about it, it's makes so much sense. 00:10:08.589 --> 00:10:14.750 Like the lack of confrontation as your kids get older doesn't create more peace, it creates more chaos. 00:10:14.909 --> 00:10:15.469 Right. 00:10:16.029 --> 00:10:21.869 The lack of confrontation as your business gets bigger doesn't create a better business and more harmony. 00:10:21.949 --> 00:10:23.549 It actually creates more dysfunction. 00:10:23.709 --> 00:10:24.029 Yeah. 00:10:24.189 --> 00:10:26.349 As an organization grows, the same thing. 00:10:26.429 --> 00:10:28.029 You know, in our government, the same thing. 00:10:28.109 --> 00:10:32.829 Like anywhere you look, where there is no standard that you're holding. 00:10:32.989 --> 00:10:41.389 And so I think about it like that like there is a standard that that we are to adhere to in life. 00:10:41.549 --> 00:10:54.029 And you could look at it as the fruits of the spirit, you could look at it as the Ten Commandments are a set of standards, and our my ethos is a set of standards. 00:10:55.229 --> 00:11:01.309 And anywhere that I'm not upholding those standards in my life, all of a sudden chaos begins to come in. 00:11:01.389 --> 00:11:02.349 It's Adam and

Eve. 00:11:02.429 --> 00:11:15.789 And so I think just to kind of shed a little bit of light, like oftentimes people didn't grow up with confrontation leading to health, intimacy, connection. 00:11:15.949 --> 00:11:19.309 And so it is very scary for most people. 00:11:19.469 --> 00:11:28.509 I did a confrontation last week with two guys, and this was part of the conversation that I was having with you before I did this conversation conversation. 00:11:28.750 --> 00:11:32.269 And at first it was really challenging because of the fear. 00:11:32.429 --> 00:11:32.669 Yeah. 00:11:32.829 --> 00:11:44.509 The fear that the guys had around the conversation, you know, of not being handled well in the past and being really tender and scared of authority and leadership. 00:11:44.829 --> 00:11:48.989 But my heart is connection. 00:11:49.229 --> 00:11:58.029 My heart is always how do we get to a place of health and connection or peace or like true peace? 00:11:58.269 --> 00:12:10.589 And so coming into that, I think really understanding that confrontation is not punishing, it's not proving that I'm right, it's not me controlling you, right? 00:12:10.750 --> 00:12:14.750 It's not me venting all over you, it's me bringing the truth into the light. 00:12:14.829 --> 00:12:33.629 It's me caring so much about integrity, standard, that I'm willing to tell you the truth in a way that you can hear it in a way that brings connection. 00:12:33.709 --> 00:12:39.309 And I think that I think that's the real, that's the real goal, and that's the real challenge in it. 00:12:39.469 --> 00:12:39.789 Yeah. 00:12:40.029 --> 00:12:40.829 I think that's good. 00:12:40.909 --> 00:12:53.549 And I think it's important to remember that a lot of people, like you described yourself in the past, think that avoiding conflict is loving, and it's really not because if you're avoiding conflict, you're not telling the truth. 00:12:53.709 --> 00:12:54.029 Yeah. 00:12:54.429 --> 00:13:00.509 You're not telling the truth about how you feel, you're not telling the truth about how you're experiencing that other person. 00:13:00.669 --> 00:13:00.909 Yeah. 00:13:01.149 --> 00:13:43.319 And that does not lead to connection. 00:13:43.479 --> 00:13:44.279 Yeah, it's true. 00:13:44.519 --> 00:14:06.919 So ultimately what we're talking about is truth telling in a way that brings connection and creates a foundation where that relationship can grow, whether it's an intimate relationship or a work relationship or a relationship between a parent and child that has to be intact in order for that relationship to grow and be really fruitful. 00:14:07.159 --> 00:14:13.239 You know, it's interesting is my conflict last week, the the confrontation was actually about telling the truth. 00:14:13.399 --> 00:14:13.719 Right. 00:14:13.879 --> 00:14:23.799 And a friend had, which I'll keep totally anonymous, a friend had had told me that they didn't have a problem with something that I had done. 00:14:24.279 --> 00:14:26.999 And just in my leadership, they had said, like, hey, I'm good. 00:14:27.079 --> 00:14:27.639 No, I'm great. 00:14:27.799 --> 00:14:32.519 Another friend had told me, like, hey, I think that you hurt this person's feelings. 00:14:32.839 --> 00:14:35.239 And they came in and talked to me about it. 00:14:35.399 --> 00:14:38.999 So when I went to that person and said, Hey, did I hurt your feelings? 00:14:39.159 --> 00:14:40.519 They were like, Oh no, it's great. 00:14:40.599 --> 00:14:41.639 I had no problem with you. 00:14:41.719 --> 00:14:42.599 It's all good. 00:14:42.759 --> 00:14:46.759 And I I walked away and I was like, that doesn't feel like the truth. 00:14:46.919 --> 00:14:48.359 That that doesn't actually feel honest. 00:14:48.519 --> 00:14:50.679 It feels like they're afraid to tell me. 00:14:50.839 --> 00:14:50.999 Right. 00:14:51.159 --> 00:15:01.639 And so I got both of them on a phone call together and actually on a Zoom, and just said, Man, my heart is to care for you so well. 00:15:01.719 --> 00:15:07.719 Like, my heart is that all of my relationships that I care about would be would Thrive. 00:15:08.039 --> 00:15:10.839 And I'm nervous that I didn't get the full truth from you. 00:15:10.999 --> 00:15:15.319 I'm nervous that when I like even I did something wrong. 00:15:15.479 --> 00:15:17.559 He doesn't want to tell me that I did something wrong. 00:15:17.799 --> 00:15:18.279 Yeah. 00:15:18.599 --> 00:15:28.039 I want to take so much ownership because if I don't, he has resentment, he has pain, and there's no way for me to care for him. 00:15:28.199 --> 00:15:30.439 And there's no way for you guys to build moving forward. 00:15:30.599 --> 00:15:30.759 No. 00:15:30.919 --> 00:15:34.199 And you cap off the amount of connection you're able to have. 00:15:34.439 --> 00:15:44.919 And at the end of the day, he came back and said, Man, I'm just so afraid that if you knew that I was hurt by you, that you'd ultimately reject me. 00:15:45.079 --> 00:15:45.319 Wow. 00:15:45.559 --> 00:15:48.199 And the crazy thing is, it's the exact opposite. 00:15:48.839 --> 00:15:54.759 Like if I know that I hurt you, now I can build our relationship. 00:15:54.919 --> 00:15:55.159 Yeah. 00:15:55.319 --> 00:15:56.519 Because I didn't mean to hurt you. 00:15:56.679 --> 00:16:06.919 But it's the perfect, it's the perfect example of how common it is for people to have been so hurt inside of conflict, yeah, that they're terrified to confront. 00:16:07.159 --> 00:16:07.639 Yeah. 00:16:07.879 --> 00:16:12.279 And I said to him, like, okay, think about how this plays out. 00:16:12.519 --> 00:16:47.719 Because if you're in our leadership world and if you're a part of my life and we're doing stuff together and building stuff together, but I can't count on a hundred percent that if I hurt your feelings, that you're gonna come and tell me, or that if I'm doing something that you don't approve of, that you're gonna tell me, all of a sudden, like it doesn't

take long before this relationship, the next one, the relationships that you're in, like if we can't trust each other with the truth and do conflict together, we're protecting in the beginning, we're protecting harmony, but it doesn't take long before this is chaos everywhere. 00:16:47.879 --> 00:16:48.359 Right. 00:16:48.599 --> 00:16:51.559 There's there's no real standard. 00:16:51.799 --> 00:16:59.559 You're so hurt that you are venting to other people about it, or you're so hurt that you have all these assumptions inside. 00:16:59.959 --> 00:17:04.440 And I think whether again, whether it's a business or a marriage, a lot of marriages are like that. 00:17:04.519 --> 00:17:05.000 Oh, yeah. 00:17:05.159 --> 00:17:08.519 Like I don't tell you the truth about what's happening in me. 00:17:09.240 --> 00:17:14.039 And I withhold because of all these reasons, right? 00:17:14.200 --> 00:17:16.359 Again, I'm afraid of punishment. 00:17:16.680 --> 00:17:18.759 I just really want peace. 00:17:18.920 --> 00:17:20.279 I'm afraid of you. 00:17:21.159 --> 00:17:28.039 And we never actually have a real place of harmony and deep connection. 00:17:28.279 --> 00:17:37.799 And the truth is, is that inside our connection is more damaged because of the withholding than it is even about the thing that happened. 00:17:38.039 --> 00:17:38.680 Absolutely. 00:17:39.639 --> 00:17:43.960 And so to me, like this is a massive, this is massive. 00:17:44.119 --> 00:17:47.800 This is so massive in every relationship in marriage. 00:17:49.800 --> 00:17:54.600 When we fail to confront, we escalate. 00:17:55.480 --> 00:17:55.880 Yeah. 00:17:56.680 --> 00:17:58.920 It's the opposite of what we think will happen. 00:17:59.000 --> 00:18:04.600 You're afraid that you're gonna escalate inside of confrontation, but it's the opposite. 00:18:04.920 --> 00:18:12.599 You actually get rejected when you don't go, hey, my feelings are really hurt, or hey, it is a ultimately what's gonna happen. 00:18:12.759 --> 00:18:16.759 He's gonna get frustrated, or you're gonna get frustrated, or you have this bitterness inside. 00:18:16.839 --> 00:18:21.319 And so we create the thing that we're trying to actually avoid. 00:18:21.720 --> 00:18:30.839 And so I think getting to a place where we go back to the basics. 00:18:31.000 --> 00:18:34.839 I just want to go back to the base basics of how to confront really well. 00:18:35.000 --> 00:18:35.960 Yeah, great. 00:18:36.200 --> 00:19:05.799 And because we've talked about it enough so much on here in the past, but also if you're in a marriage or if you're with your kids, or if you're in a business where you there's there's pain, there's chaos, there's disconnection, and you're not bringing a healthy daily dose of confrontation in a way that brings connection, you have an environment, you have an ecosystem of fear. 00:19:06.279 --> 00:19:07.880 That's ultimately what's happening. 00:19:08.519 --> 00:19:08.759 Go ahead. 00:19:09.079 --> 00:19:11.960 Two things that have come to mind that I just want to like articulate. 00:19:12.120 --> 00:19:18.120 Number one, when so we're kind of using conflict and confrontation interchangeably in this conversation. 00:19:18.519 --> 00:19:22.599 Confrontation, the word, is actually really triggering for a lot of people. 00:19:22.839 --> 00:19:33.640 Because when I say confront, you think, and I'm talking to you listeners, you think I mean I'm about to come and tell you what you've done wrong. 00:19:33.799 --> 00:19:34.200 Yep. 00:19:34.519 --> 00:19:36.680 That is not what confrontation is about. 00:19:36.839 --> 00:19:49.960 No, confrontation is my pro the proactive action I take to approach you and present you with how I'm feeling or what I'm experiencing. 00:19:50.120 --> 00:19:50.599 Yes. 00:19:51.079 --> 00:19:53.240 I'm not coming to tell you what you've done wrong. 00:19:53.480 --> 00:20:03.000 Now, sometimes that happens, like with my six-year-old this morning when she's giving you the stink eye because she doesn't like how you're setting up her microscope. 00:20:03.240 --> 00:20:06.759 I tell her, hey, that's not okay to treat dad that way. 00:20:06.920 --> 00:20:09.720 I'm letting her know, hey, this isn't okay. 00:20:10.039 --> 00:20:13.640 So there is that, especially when you're in levels of authority with people. 00:20:13.720 --> 00:20:15.319 And you know, that happens. 00:20:15.480 --> 00:20:23.079 But but but confrontation is my ability to proactively show up and be truthful with you. 00:20:23.240 --> 00:20:25.000 Now there's ways to do that. 00:20:25.240 --> 00:20:29.319 There's ways to show up proactively and be truthful that brings connection. 00:20:29.400 --> 00:20:29.559 Yeah. 00:20:29.720 --> 00:20:35.960 And when people are afraid of confrontation, it's because typically they haven't experienced confrontation in a way that brings connection. 00:20:36.120 --> 00:20:36.200 Yeah. 00:20:36.360 --> 00:20:37.640 So we'll kind of talk through that a little bit. 00:20:38.360 --> 00:20:39.079 Can I say one other thing? 00:20:39.640 --> 00:20:45.640 One other thing that I was that just came to my mind that I feel like maybe it was the Holy Spirit and maybe it will be helpful for somebody to have like a visual. 00:20:46.440 --> 00:20:50.759 We had this fire inspector come to our house not that long ago because we have an Airbnb. 00:20:50.839 --> 00:20:54.039 So he had to like, you know, for the permitting process and do a fire inspection. 00:20:54.120 --> 00:20:59.559 And we we have to have a fire extinguisher on our wall in the place that we rent out. 00:20:59.880 --> 00:21:05.799 And I was just thinking about how conflict is kind of like a fire. 00:21:06.039 --> 00:21:09.960 It sometimes it's just a little spark and you can see it and you address it right away. 00:21:10.039 --> 00:21:13.160 Sometimes it blows up a little bit before you give it some attention. 00:21:13.480 --> 00:21:21.240 Well, the most destructive house fires happen inside the

walls, like with where the electrical is or where the right. 00:21:21.319 --> 00:21:22.920 So if the fire is hidden. 00:21:23.160 --> 00:21:24.519 Because you can't see it, because you can't get to it. 00:21:24.920 --> 00:21:26.680 You can't see it and you can't get to it. 00:21:26.839 --> 00:21:38.839 If a fire in a house starts inside of a wall or up in the attic or somewhere where it's not accessible, there's going to be so much more damage than if the fire happens in the kitchen sink or the other day. 00:21:39.079 --> 00:21:39.640 Yeah, it's gonna see. 00:21:39.960 --> 00:21:44.599 We were cooking, you were cooking, I was cooking smash burgers because that's like my new thing right now. 00:21:44.839 --> 00:21:47.880 And there was a paper towel on the counter that caught fire. 00:21:48.200 --> 00:21:49.319 It was right next to the burner. 00:21:49.400 --> 00:21:49.559 Yeah. 00:21:49.880 --> 00:21:51.880 On the open flame, a paper towel. 00:21:51.960 --> 00:21:56.680 And of course, I had this moment of like terror, and Jay took care of it in an instant. 00:21:56.920 --> 00:22:00.200 When a fire happens in front of your face, you can address it. 00:22:00.360 --> 00:22:03.880 And so conflict is like that in a relationship. 00:22:04.200 --> 00:22:14.920 If you're if you're hiding, keeping to yourself, if you're not exposing that flame of conflict, it becomes so much worse and so much more destructive. 00:22:15.240 --> 00:22:22.680 If you just let it be in the open, you can extinguish that thing pretty quickly, especially if you start when the flame is small. 00:22:22.839 --> 00:22:26.200 Now, if I had panicked, run away, avoided the problem, right? 00:22:26.279 --> 00:22:29.720 We would have had a whole like gas fire on our stove and it would have been a nightmare. 00:22:30.039 --> 00:22:32.680 It was funny because I saw it happening. 00:22:32.839 --> 00:22:36.759 I saw the thing catch on fire and I said, Hey, babe, that paper towel's on fire right there. 00:22:37.000 --> 00:22:41.880 Yeah, we're just like that calmly, to wit at which I screamed. 00:22:42.920 --> 00:22:47.400 And you and then you were like, babe, you were so calm. 00:22:47.480 --> 00:22:51.480 I was like, Well, did you want me to scream and say, Oh my gosh? 00:22:52.200 --> 00:23:01.160 And to but to me, it's a really great example of like, I didn't want to, I wanted to escalate the problem, but I didn't want to escalate it. 00:23:01.559 --> 00:23:03.640 And all those things are right, babe. 00:23:03.880 --> 00:23:04.920 Yeah, luckily, Jay didn't. 00:23:05.640 --> 00:23:09.240 Avoid it and walk away to the other room and leave me to myself, right? 00:23:09.960 --> 00:23:12.680 Yeah, or you just catch on fire. 00:23:13.000 --> 00:23:19.079 I think great conflict is not uh just about honesty, it's honesty with skill. 00:23:19.400 --> 00:23:23.640 And when people say, I'm just being honest, it's like, no, you're punishing me. 00:23:23.880 --> 00:23:28.039 You're using conflict to punish me, not to build connection. 00:23:28.120 --> 00:23:29.240 And that's what people hate. 00:23:29.319 --> 00:23:30.279 That's the damaging side. 00:23:30.599 --> 00:23:31.160 It's destructive. 00:23:31.319 --> 00:23:32.200 Yes, it is. 00:23:32.440 --> 00:23:39.799 And so I want to just go through and really quick and talk through how do we do conflict well and just give a quick refresher. 00:23:40.039 --> 00:23:41.000 Yes, I think so. 00:23:41.160 --> 00:23:52.519 And and while we talk through this, I really want people to put aside their personality differences because there's people, people consider certain personality types, like they're good at conflict. 00:23:52.680 --> 00:23:57.720 I'm like, no, being good at conflict has nothing to do with a personality type. 00:23:57.960 --> 00:23:59.240 No, it's true. 00:23:59.480 --> 00:24:05.000 Like most people that I know that think they're good at conflict are good at they don't mind fighting. 00:24:05.240 --> 00:24:05.799 Exactly. 00:24:05.880 --> 00:24:07.559 And that is where it gets destructive. 00:24:07.720 --> 00:24:12.680 And people don't want to engage in conflict with people like that because they just are there to fight. 00:24:12.839 --> 00:24:15.160 They're comfortable with boxing gloves on. 00:24:15.319 --> 00:24:15.960 Yep. 00:24:16.519 --> 00:24:30.120 So to me, the first step is you have to have the right, if you don't have the right motivation, then you're just gonna try to win an argument or cast a bunch of judgment on somebody. 00:24:30.360 --> 00:24:34.200 The motivation is has to be rooted in love. 00:24:34.360 --> 00:24:34.839 Yes. 00:24:35.079 --> 00:24:38.120 And we just see that with Jesus every single time. 00:24:38.200 --> 00:24:43.240 Like he's cloaked in love and is looking for connection. 00:24:43.400 --> 00:24:43.720 Yeah. 00:24:44.039 --> 00:24:49.720 And the the next step is you have to be willing to talk about yourself. 00:24:50.039 --> 00:25:02.120 Because when you do, when you start in conflict and your goal is to talk about them and what they're doing and what you think they're doing and why you thought that they did it, everybody hates that. 00:25:02.200 --> 00:25:13.880 As soon as Lauren says to me, You don't like to X, Y, and Z, you don't take care of me like you, like you take care of your friends or your hunting or your fishing. 00:25:14.039 --> 00:25:15.960 I just want to poker in the eye. 00:25:16.200 --> 00:25:23.319 As opposed to saying, I feel really lonely, I feel sad, I'm in pain, I feel really confused. 00:25:23.960 --> 00:25:37.640 When you talk about yourself, it puts the conversation in a place where there can be a listener and there can be a talker, as opposed to somebody that's punishing and another person that's defending. 00:25:37.799 --> 00:25:44.920 And so the greatest key that I think I ever learned in conflict was by the Gottmans. 00:25:45.880 --> 00:25:52.039 And it was this it's that harsh startups fuel bad endings. 00:25:52.279 -->

00:25:58.759 And so if you start soft, however you want the conflict to go, that's how you have to start. 00:25:59.319 --> 00:26:02.759 So if you take the end, like how do you want it to end? 00:26:02.920 --> 00:26:05.240 I want it to end lovingly and caring. 00:26:05.400 --> 00:26:09.720 I want Lauren to feel seen and known and loved, then I bring that to the very beginning. 00:26:09.960 --> 00:26:12.039 Babe, can we talk? 00:26:12.440 --> 00:26:15.480 I really want you to feel cared for and I want to feel cared for. 00:26:15.640 --> 00:26:18.599 This morning was really painful for me. 00:26:18.839 --> 00:26:22.120 And I don't want to walk around like that, and I know that you don't either. 00:26:22.440 --> 00:26:28.279 It sets the tone for a conversation that we can both listen to because it's soft. 00:26:28.519 --> 00:26:40.120 If you start harsh, if you start with a, I'm really angry by how you always X, Y, and Z, that conversation is going to be very, very hard. 00:26:40.279 --> 00:26:42.759 You never listen, you always shut me down. 00:26:43.000 --> 00:26:45.799 All those types of things are gonna be really painful. 00:26:46.039 --> 00:26:51.160 And so if you're gonna do conflict well, you have to start soft. 00:26:53.799 --> 00:27:04.440 If you don't start soft, then you're literally trying to scale a very hard mountain to scale, as opposed to like, let's go on a walk together down a flat road. 00:27:04.680 --> 00:27:05.960 Yeah, absolutely. 00:27:06.200 --> 00:27:08.759 The second step would be to stay on one issue at a time. 00:27:08.920 --> 00:27:23.240 And I think this is where, especially if you don't allow yourself to stay current in your conflict resolution, then the temptation is to pile all kinds of accusations and experiences on top of one another and bring this whole case. 00:27:23.640 --> 00:27:44.279 And you know that's that's a really bad idea because it is impossible, especially for the listener, to be flooded by, you know, accusation after accusation after accusation, it's much easier to swallow when you're talking about one issue at a time. 00:27:44.519 --> 00:27:45.000 Yeah. 00:27:45.319 --> 00:27:49.720 I think step number three is to regulate before you communicate. 00:27:49.880 --> 00:27:52.360 And that's I've had to work on that. 00:27:52.599 --> 00:27:54.680 That's probably like my number one thing I've had to work on. 00:27:54.920 --> 00:27:56.039 Yeah, totally. 00:27:57.319 --> 00:28:02.920 If you go into a conversation and you are dysregulated, now you're fighting two things, right? 00:28:03.240 --> 00:28:09.559 What's going on inside of you, and this like being stretched really, really, really thin. 00:28:10.120 --> 00:28:13.799 And whatever the person, whatever else the person does, you have no bandwidth. 00:28:13.880 --> 00:28:14.120 Yeah. 00:28:14.279 --> 00:28:19.079 So dysregulation creates a lack of bandwidth, emotional bandwidth. 00:28:19.319 --> 00:28:23.319 And so if you're regulated, if you take some time and you're like, man, I'm really mad right now. 00:28:23.480 --> 00:28:30.200 I need to think through how I start this, I need to calm down, I need to to really slow everything down. 00:28:30.440 --> 00:28:33.319 It it will save the conversation so much. 00:28:33.880 --> 00:28:44.680 You know, and I think that's this is where most people get it wrong, I think, is because most people wait to have conflict or wait to confront until they're very dysregulated. 00:28:45.079 --> 00:29:00.759 Most people stuff it down or try to ignore it or avoid it until you're actually so dysregulated, you're not in control of yourself and you freak out on the other person, whether it's an employee or a child or a spouse. 00:29:01.160 --> 00:29:04.200 So really being regulated. 00:29:04.279 --> 00:29:16.440 And here's here's a rule of thumb for myself is I when Jay and I get into a really big disconnection, I try really hard not to talk about it in the moment. 00:29:16.680 --> 00:29:19.880 I try to go and take a shower and gather my thoughts. 00:29:19.960 --> 00:29:27.480 And it's not me going and like creating a case against him in my mind that I'm gonna bring to him. 00:29:27.559 --> 00:29:30.440 It's actually me trying to go, okay, what's the truth? 00:29:30.599 --> 00:29:31.319 What do I need? 00:29:31.400 --> 00:29:32.279 How do I feel? 00:29:32.519 --> 00:29:33.880 What's happening for me? 00:29:34.120 --> 00:29:38.920 So that I can, inside of a really self-controlled state, approach the conversation. 00:29:39.160 --> 00:29:40.360 Yeah, it's real. 00:29:40.759 --> 00:29:42.200 Two more things, just real quick. 00:29:42.360 --> 00:29:44.279 One, listen for the deeper thing, right? 00:29:44.519 --> 00:29:53.160 Often the thing that somebody's bringing to you is goes further, it goes below the surface of what they're actually talking about. 00:29:53.240 --> 00:30:04.920 And if you get really good listening for what they're actually saying, not just what they're talking about, your relationships are gonna get so much better. 00:30:05.079 --> 00:30:05.559 Oh, yeah. 00:30:05.799 --> 00:30:13.799 And then I think the last one that's really, really important is couples that repair well really enjoy their relationships. 00:30:13.960 --> 00:30:14.360 Yeah. 00:30:14.599 --> 00:30:23.240 So a lack of repair looks like you still have a bunch of resentment, pain. 00:30:23.720 --> 00:30:29.000 You have not, you have not reconciled the conversation. 00:30:29.400 --> 00:30:33.240 And oftentimes you can see it happening in real time. 00:30:33.400 --> 00:30:42.279 Like we've all been in a conversation that started harsh, that is in the middle of of chaos, and you're just like, gosh, I hate this so much. 00:30:42.519 --> 00:30:48.599 A repair attempt would look like, babe, I started that so poorly. 00:30:48.839 --> 00:30:54.440 Is it okay if is it okay if I just take a five-minute break and come back and we try again? 00:30:54.599 --> 00:30:54.839 Yeah. 00:30:55.000 -->

00:31:00.759 A repair attempt can look like, hey, it sounds like it sounds like you're really frustrated about this. 00:31:00.920 --> 00:31:02.920 There's probably a really good reason for that. 00:31:03.160 --> 00:31:06.360 I just can't do this conversation like this. 00:31:06.759 --> 00:31:08.039 Can we try over? 00:31:08.279 --> 00:31:15.720 A repair attempt is any attempt to get it back to a place of where you where we can actually have a civil conversation. 00:31:15.960 --> 00:31:17.240 Yeah, de-escalating it. 00:31:17.400 --> 00:31:17.799 Yeah. 00:31:18.039 --> 00:31:32.759 And so doing a a great job at repairing, it can look like it could even look like validating somebody, like, hey, I this sounds really painful for you, and it makes a lot of sense. 00:31:33.240 --> 00:31:34.680 I want to hear you. 00:31:34.839 --> 00:31:40.839 I can't, I can't hear you when it's when when you're yelling judgments at me, but I do want to hear you. 00:31:41.640 --> 00:31:44.920 Or I'm not wanting to attack you. 00:31:45.480 --> 00:31:48.759 I think the conversation may have started like that. 00:31:49.079 --> 00:31:50.360 Can I try over again? 00:31:50.680 --> 00:31:51.960 Anything like that. 00:31:52.440 --> 00:31:59.400 The most important thing in my mind is it's back to what I said to you. 00:31:59.720 --> 00:32:01.400 I want to get really good. 00:32:01.559 --> 00:32:03.079 I want to be known for. 00:32:03.559 --> 00:32:15.000 I want to, I want my the ecosystems inside of the cultures that I'm in, in our marriage, at church, in Braveco, with our kids. 00:32:15.240 --> 00:32:28.120 I want an ecosystem that's healthy, where there's lots of trust, where there's where needs get met, where the standard of Jesus is present. 00:32:28.680 --> 00:32:48.200 And the best way that I know how to do that, that I've learned how to do that, and what I really the lack of the lack of confrontation, the lack of I think real connection, the lack of a standard and upholding a standard. 00:32:48.360 --> 00:32:55.480 I've just, as I get older, I watch how that more and more and more breaks down the very things that we want the most. 00:32:55.640 --> 00:33:00.519 It breaks relationships, it breaks marriages, it breaks businesses, it breaks churches. 00:33:01.319 --> 00:33:10.759 And our ability to, I think the dedication to getting really good at it, getting feedback in these areas, practicing on a regular basis is really key. 00:33:11.000 --> 00:33:11.559 I agree. 00:33:11.720 --> 00:33:17.400 I think it's one of the most important things we could do in our leadership and for our families and in our communities. 00:33:17.640 --> 00:33:21.160 So, guys, hopefully this episode has been helpful for you. 00:33:21.480 --> 00:33:24.920 Share it and comment about it. 00:33:25.079 --> 00:33:27.160 If so, we'd love, we'd love to hear your comments. 00:33:27.400 --> 00:33:44.839 Hey, also, if you guys have topics you'd like for us to cover in this podcast, or if you have questions you would like us to include in an in an upcoming QA episode, we just want to make sure you know that you can email us at datesmatesbabies at gmail.com. 00:33:45.000 --> 00:33:47.880 That comes right to me and I'll kind of field those questions. 00:33:48.039 --> 00:33:51.160 So be sure to let us know if you have something on your mind. 00:33:51.319 --> 00:33:52.120 All right, everybody. 00:33:52.279 --> 00:33:53.400 Hope you have a great week. 00:33:53.559 --> 00:33:55.720 We will see you back here next time.