Full Transcript for 116. How to Connect When it Hurts

00:05:39.300 --> 00:05:53.975 I stopped in the counseling appointment and was like, hey, do you actually know, do you feel equipped, when he shares his pain, do you feel equipped to hit the target, like to actually know how to partner with him? 00:05:53.975 --> 00:05:57.182 Because she said something that really tripped me off to it. 00:05:57.182 --> 00:06:10.242 She was like I don't think that I understand how to make him feel hurt, like I don't actually know how to get in there with him. 00:06:10.702 --> 00:06:10.923 Yeah. 00:06:11.423 --> 00:06:22.701 And I was like, oh, you know all the principles, you know that you have to repair this, but you actually don't know the tools of repair. 00:06:23.990 --> 00:07:06.360 And if you go all the way back like, this is a tool set, this is a skill set Learning how to emotionally connect, because that's actually the breakdown Learning how to emotionally connect with your partner when you've made a mess and to really create that bond before you even go, I'm sorry, before you even go, I'm sorry is so massive Because an apology without the sincerity, without the felt connection or the shared connection, like some people would call it attunement I attune to where you're at. 00:07:06.610 --> 00:07:21.451 And if you think about it like, like in a, in an orchestra, everybody's playing, but you have one cello that's out of tune, yeah, and so you come in and you're playing a. 00:07:21.451 --> 00:07:32.355 Everyone else is playing whatever the C or an E or a D, and you're over there playing a nothing, you're playing a screech. 00:07:32.355 --> 00:07:46.521 That's what it's like if you don't know how to emotionally connect to your partner, you're literally out of tune with what's happening and it creates this incredible, painful experience. 00:07:46.521 --> 00:07:56.944 And if we think about it in terms of music, I don't know about you, babe, but I have sat in worship before and the guy behind me is singing so out of tune. 00:07:56.944 --> 00:07:59.771 It's hard, it's like a painful experience. 00:08:01.454 --> 00:08:03.257 Yeah, we've all been there. 00:08:03.430 --> 00:08:18.353 Yeah, that's what a lot of couples experiences like in connection while trying to clean up a mess, and so there's a couple of things that I think, for starters, would be helpful to go through. 00:08:18.353 --> 00:08:26.516 The first one is what's actually happening when I think for them? 00:08:26.516 --> 00:08:28.040 I'll just give this and maybe it will be helpful. 00:08:28.040 --> 00:08:40.035 What I saw happening was, as soon as he would bring up what was going on inside of him, he would start down like I've just felt so disconnected for all these years. 00:08:40.035 --> 00:08:41.304 I've had a lot of pain. 00:08:41.304 --> 00:09:12.310 She feels shame, and as soon as she feels shame, she begins to shut down emotionally and then withdraw, and that withdrawal becomes a punishment, it becomes a protection, and if you go all the way back into her childhood, you can see that play out over and over and over again of that Um, some type of when, uh, some type of I'm not good enough, I don't do it right, and then shame comes. 00:09:18.339 --> 00:09:32.081 And then the emotionally shutting down and then the distance that punishes until whatever she either blows up eventually or they forget about the conflict and then they move towards one another a little bit, but there's never deep connection. 00:09:32.081 --> 00:09:38.274 And here's why is shame shuts us down from empathy and compassion. 00:09:38.274 --> 00:09:47.281 You can't have shame and empathy and compassion all at the same time, because shame thinks about yourself. 00:09:47.281 --> 00:09:51.971 Shame is this incredible self it says I am something wrong. 00:09:51.971 --> 00:09:54.848 I not just I did something wrong, but I am something wrong. 00:09:54.848 --> 00:10:07.264 And then that turns into that anger that it's so self focused that as soon as shame is present in the relationship, all you're thinking about is how do I get rid of my shame? 00:10:07.264 --> 00:10:11.192 If I could get you to quit talking, if I could get you to. 00:10:11.192 --> 00:10:15.548 Sometimes it looks like defensiveness. 00:10:15.548 --> 00:10:18.960 We get back into the four horsemen that we've talked about so much. 00:10:18.960 --> 00:10:29.034 Shame gets back into eye rolling or it gets back into the contentment or-. 00:10:30.481 --> 00:10:30.842 Contempt. 00:10:30.842 --> 00:10:32.706 Sorry, it gets into all that. 00:10:32.706 --> 00:10:42.680 Well, if you, if you allow shame to take its course, then you end up again worse, in a worse spot than when you started. 00:10:42.680 --> 00:10:49.353 What we really have to do is shame comes up and you go oh yeah, I do. 00:10:49.353 --> 00:10:51.277 I feel a lot of shame, or even guilt. 00:10:51.277 --> 00:10:54.543 I feel a lot of guilt over the years of disconnection. 00:10:54.543 --> 00:11:00.940 Wow, I want to run away because I feel so powerless in the relationship. 00:11:00.940 --> 00:11:01.662 Does this make sense? 00:11:01.662 --> 00:11:47.112 Yeah, it's like I feel so powerless to know how to fix it and yet I feel so guilty. 00:11:47.112 --> 00:11:51.642 So that powerless and guilt for a lot of people equals that shame thing. 00:11:51.642 --> 00:11:53.635 I am something wrong. 00:11:53.635 --> 00:11:54.713 I don't know how to do this. 00:11:54.713 --> 00:12:09.978 Okay, so ultimately, what we have to do is teach people how to address the shame so that you can get into empathy and compassion. 00:12:10.339 --> 00:12:10.579 Mm-hmm. 00:12:10.579 --> 00:12:14.098 How do people recognize when shame is there? 00:12:14.098 --> 00:12:18.397 Because I've talked to a lot of people who don't actually know that that's what's happening for them. 00:12:18.919 --> 00:12:19.139 Yeah. 00:12:20.230 --> 00:12:21.756 They just know that this doesn't work. 00:12:22.177 --> 00:12:25.158 Okay, so the signs of shame would

be. 00:12:25.158 --> 00:12:29.851 It would be the stonewalling it would be. 00:12:29.851 --> 00:12:31.596 I am emotionally shutting down. 00:12:32.078 --> 00:12:32.900 So pause. 00:12:32.900 --> 00:12:40.577 When you're in a conversation with your spouse and they are telling you things like I have felt disconnected for years. 00:12:40.577 --> 00:12:43.798 This process is painful for me. 00:12:43.798 --> 00:12:47.775 We're not gaining ground and that is hard. 00:12:47.775 --> 00:12:48.853 I'm losing hope. 00:12:48.853 --> 00:12:58.517 Mm-hmm, the way that you know you're in a shame response is when you want to shut down and walk away from the conversation. 00:12:58.517 --> 00:13:04.960 It's when you realize that you start to get very defensive towards your spouse when they're sharing this truth. 00:13:04.960 --> 00:13:17.267 You start thinking about yourself and you start analyzing whether they are right or wrong about what they're saying, instead of actually being present to hear them. 00:13:17.748 --> 00:13:18.509 Yeah, I want to blame. 00:13:18.709 --> 00:13:26.243 I want to blame them for how I'm feeling and so, then, how I'm acting, which is causing them to feel a certain way. 00:13:27.469 --> 00:13:36.652 Let's talk about them instead of me way Um, okay, talk about them instead of me. 00:13:36.652 --> 00:13:46.915 And ultimately we're saying shame is the voice inside that would tell you you are, something is wrong with you that is causing this dynamic to be perpetual and painful. 00:13:46.915 --> 00:13:58.852 That's a hard connection for people to make, because in the middle of a conflict, you're not usually aware of that line, like you're not saying to yourself, even on on a subconscious level. 00:13:58.852 --> 00:14:09.716 You're not saying to yourself something's wrong with me, something's wrong with me because your brain is wired so much to self-protect that, instead of telling yourself consciously something's wrong with me, shame is sneakier than that. 00:14:09.716 --> 00:14:10.742 It's not consciously something's wrong with me. 00:14:10.762 --> 00:14:11.909 Shame is sneakier than that. 00:14:11.909 --> 00:14:13.616 It's not telling you something's wrong with you. 00:14:13.616 --> 00:14:15.195 It's telling you something's wrong with them. 00:14:15.195 --> 00:14:18.016 They're the problem. 00:14:18.016 --> 00:14:25.243 It's basically shame tries to get you to rewrite the story because you feel powerless to take ownership. 00:14:25.243 --> 00:14:32.340 Ultimately, you don't know what to do, and so shame is trying to help you out by saying deflect, deflect, deflect. 00:14:32.340 --> 00:14:43.539 So it looks like defensiveness, but at the bottom of it all, at the bottom of it all we're saying, usually shame is present and you feel like something's wrong Because you don't feel like you're able to win in these scenarios. 00:14:43.929 --> 00:14:47.280 Yeah, and ultimately it's this very powerless feeling, yeah, powerless. 00:14:47.280 --> 00:14:48.310 So when you get back into this. 00:14:48.331 --> 00:14:49.092 You don't know what to do. 00:14:49.112 --> 00:14:50.534 Yeah, really powerless feeling. 00:14:50.534 --> 00:14:52.237 That would be the key. 00:14:52.237 --> 00:14:56.404 To go like, oh, something's happening here inside of me. 00:14:56.404 --> 00:15:00.160 I want to run away, I want to blame, I want to shut down, I want to punish. 00:15:00.160 --> 00:15:02.732 I feel all those things sometimes. 00:15:02.732 --> 00:15:10.656 And the key is to really recognize like, oh, this is what I'm feeling, right now. 00:15:10.656 --> 00:15:11.910 I want to punish her, can I? 00:15:12.010 --> 00:15:14.157 interject a parallel story. 00:15:14.278 --> 00:15:14.759 Yeah, do it. 00:15:14.929 --> 00:15:22.783 So Jason's talking about this couple that he has been pastoring and walking with in their marriage journey for a while. 00:15:22.783 --> 00:15:28.421 But this is what it looks like in real time, Like okay for me, Ready. 00:15:28.421 --> 00:15:38.319 So we were in the middle of our morning routine and Jay was kind of helping the kids with something and in the background, as he was down the hall, I heard him say out loud wow, look at all these lights that are on. 00:15:38.319 --> 00:15:41.214 And I'm in the kitchen and I'm instantly flooded with anger. 00:15:41.214 --> 00:15:54.713 And I link it back to a comment he had made the day prior when he told me that he had a goal of making sure that in the house, lights were turned off more often, Like when we leave rooms. 00:15:54.713 --> 00:15:56.679 I'd like to teach the kids to turn off the lights. 00:15:56.679 --> 00:16:09.678 So I had already been stewing on the fact that Jay wanted something to be done in the house differently than he was currently experiencing it. 00:16:10.090 --> 00:16:11.355 Welcome to my whole life. 00:16:11.355 --> 00:16:16.418 The opposite, though you want something done in the house. 00:16:16.418 --> 00:16:19.043 The one time that jay has a request. 00:16:19.931 --> 00:16:21.153 He's not allowed to have requests. 00:16:21.153 --> 00:16:23.017 It's only I can have requests in the house. 00:16:23.017 --> 00:16:34.711 So, anyways, you know, two twice in two days I have heard him articulate some version of his desire for lights to be turned off more frequently. 00:16:34.711 --> 00:16:37.357 And I'm just flooded with anger. 00:16:37.357 --> 00:16:39.802 And I try really quick, right you? 00:16:39.802 --> 00:16:47.172 You have a high emotion and in a split second time you're trying to actually calculate out, like, why do I feel the way that? 00:16:47.172 --> 00:16:50.599 Why am I feeling so strongly about this right now? 00:16:50.599 --> 00:17:00.804 So this, I'm not going to go into the depths of that, although we could at some point but what I will say is what I was feeling in the moment was angry. 00:17:00.804 --> 00:17:11.250 What I was feeling in the moment is like explaining to him why I can't actually guarantee

that we're going to turn the lights off more often than we do and how. 00:17:11.250 --> 00:17:28.420 Actually it is a goal of mine to conserve energy, but that I'm already doing my best and that I think that the kids are, you know, too young to have to think about that, on top of all the other things I'm trying to teach them, like how to wipe their own butts when they go poop. 00:17:28.420 --> 00:17:29.110 You know what I'm saying. 00:17:29.110 --> 00:17:31.316 So I'm thinking of all of that. 00:17:31.316 --> 00:17:36.086 It would be easy to miss that. 00:17:36.125 --> 00:17:40.075 The reality is that I was feeling shame, right? 00:17:40.075 --> 00:17:41.498 So this is the sneaky shame. 00:17:41.498 --> 00:17:45.750 Sneaky shame tries to get you to deflect, blame your partner. 00:17:45.750 --> 00:17:48.994 Get angry, be defensive, protect yourself. 00:17:48.994 --> 00:17:50.035 Rewrite the narrative. 00:17:50.035 --> 00:17:50.996 Get angry, be defensive, protect yourself. 00:17:50.996 --> 00:17:51.456 Rewrite the narrative. 00:17:51.456 --> 00:17:54.018 Villainize the communicator, right. 00:17:54.278 --> 00:17:54.499 Yeah. 00:17:55.019 --> 00:18:11.620 But actually I'm feeling shame because deep down, underneath all of that silly, silly stuff, I'm afraid that I'm not enough or that I'm not being enough. 00:18:11.660 --> 00:18:14.654 And I can tell that that's real for me because you're crying right now literally crying right now. 00:18:15.510 --> 00:18:58.045 But that's what happens to us is that we don't understand the message that shame is trying to tell us, and so we miss the opportunities to actually genuinely connect or validate somebody else's need or have you know, have a, you know, a willingness to actually mold and grow and change, because we're so terrified that what shame is telling us is true, which is that actually I don't have what it takes to do a great job in this space the ultimate message is that we believe, is that there's punishment coming right. 00:18:58.365 --> 00:19:07.064 So that's the ultimate message under if you dug down deep enough is I'd have to keep digging because that doesn't feel real for me, but maybe, maybe it is. 00:19:07.104 --> 00:19:10.951 There's disconnection, there's judgment. 00:19:11.250 --> 00:19:12.733 That's true. 00:19:12.913 --> 00:19:17.211 Yeah, there's some type of punishment coming. 00:19:17.211 --> 00:19:21.371 That's why all the armor and the self-protection, if that makes sense Totally. 00:19:21.371 --> 00:19:23.408 There's punishment inside of it. 00:19:23.408 --> 00:19:23.809 That's true. 00:19:23.809 --> 00:19:29.563 And so a big piece of what that does, ultimately what that does. 00:19:29.563 --> 00:19:39.208 And so a big piece of what that does, ultimately, what that does is it creates so much pain inside of every time they bring up the things that aren't going right. 00:19:39.208 --> 00:19:42.529 This ends up spiraling over and over and over again. 00:19:42.529 --> 00:19:43.250 They never solve it. 00:19:43.529 --> 00:19:43.630 Okay. 00:19:43.730 --> 00:19:55.997 And in order to solve this, we have to get back into empathy Not just sympathy, but empathy. 00:19:55.997 --> 00:20:03.471 And I think this is a really big piece, Because as soon as I heard her starting to say we're back to your coaching appointment. 00:20:03.471 --> 00:20:08.812 Yeah, I don't know how to sit in it with him. 00:20:08.812 --> 00:20:13.771 I don't think I actually know how to make him feel hurt. 00:20:14.039 --> 00:20:15.646 Believe that I hear what he's saying. 00:20:15.860 --> 00:20:18.229 And I'm like, oh, you never learned this skill set. 00:20:18.229 --> 00:20:23.813 And so I started to go through and say she's trying to just solve it. 00:20:23.813 --> 00:20:29.337 She's logically trying to solve it Like OK, well, just do this and this, or just do that and that. 00:20:29.337 --> 00:20:30.362 Or maybe, like you did to me, like okay, well, just do this and this, or just do that and that. 00:20:30.362 --> 00:20:36.594 Or maybe, like you did to me, like the kids aren't old enough well yeah, we're doing our best. 00:20:36.634 --> 00:20:42.920 We actually do care about yeah, conserving yeah uh and and flood, flood the other person with information. 00:20:42.920 --> 00:20:51.115 You can actually go oh, let me hear how that was for you. 00:20:51.115 --> 00:20:52.646 So I just want to help. 00:20:52.646 --> 00:20:59.533 I want to really help people understand the difference between sympathy, empathy and compassion. 00:20:59.533 --> 00:21:10.551 Great, because she sympathizes with him, but she doesn't empathize with him, and there certainly isn't compassion in it. 00:21:10.551 --> 00:21:15.625 And so sympathy is acknowledging someone's pain, but from a distance. 00:21:16.406 --> 00:21:24.283 And you guys are going to, as I'm talking through this, you're going to go oh my gosh, this is what happens in my relationship, especially if your conflicts don't go well. 00:21:24.283 --> 00:21:27.470 So, wow, I'm sorry you're going through that. 00:21:27.470 --> 00:21:33.601 That's sympathy If anyone's ever done that to you, after you've poured out your heart to them, crying in tears, and they go. 00:21:33.601 --> 00:21:36.289 Wow, I'm sorry that you're feeling that. 00:21:36.289 --> 00:21:38.134 Do you just want to poke them in the eye? 00:21:38.134 --> 00:21:38.538 Yeah, well, yeah. 00:21:39.102 --> 00:21:44.948 If somebody has done something to hurt you and you try to confront them about it and their response is I'm sorry, you feel that way. 00:21:44.948 --> 00:21:45.269 Yep. 00:21:51.700 --> 00:21:53.063 You want to be like wow, I hate you yeah. 00:21:53.083 --> 00:21:54.466 That must be tough, yeah that must be tough is a sympathy. 00:21:54.486 --> 00:21:55.268 Wow, that must be tough. 00:21:55.268 --> 00:21:56.430 Yeah, man, I'd hate to go through that. 00:21:56.711 --> 00:22:05.304 Yeah, it's, it's like somewhat acknowledging the pain, but it's not drawing

close and it's taking zero action or responsibility. 00:22:05.785 --> 00:22:06.506 Yes, exactly. 00:22:06.846 --> 00:22:07.468 Okay, what's? 00:22:07.548 --> 00:22:08.589 empathy, and and but. 00:22:08.670 --> 00:22:23.750 Here's what I want to say sympathy is also a protection oh yeah it's a protector of your shame totally it's a way to not take ownership it's a way to not take ownership or enter in, but to pretend like I am totally. 00:22:23.750 --> 00:22:30.533 It's like uh, passive aggressiveness yes okay, compassion I mean but sympathy in and of itself is not wrong. 00:22:30.533 --> 00:22:35.191 It's just that if your goal is intimate connection, you cannot stop at sympathy. 00:22:35.551 --> 00:22:35.952 You can't. 00:22:36.140 --> 00:22:41.074 You can have sympathy for, like a stranger on the street, but even then it's not going to really help them very much. 00:22:41.094 --> 00:22:45.650 Yeah, it's simply just going like, wow, that would really suck, what a bummer. 00:22:45.650 --> 00:22:49.846 Okay, compassion takes empathy. 00:22:49.846 --> 00:22:52.605 Sorry, let's go empathy. 00:22:52.605 --> 00:22:55.128 Empathy is feeling what someone else feels. 00:22:55.128 --> 00:22:56.903 It's emotional. 00:22:56.903 --> 00:22:57.326 Here we go. 00:22:57.326 --> 00:23:00.146 Attunement, that's that word, right. 00:23:00.146 --> 00:23:03.009 Sympathy is not emotional attunement. 00:23:03.009 --> 00:23:05.960 Empathy is emotional attunement. 00:23:05.960 --> 00:23:09.691 You connect with the pain by allowing yourself to experience it with them. 00:23:09.691 --> 00:23:15.248 So here's the question what would it feel like if this was me? 00:23:15.248 --> 00:23:22.230 What would it feel like if she had done to me what I did to her? 00:23:22.412 --> 00:23:23.554 Yeah, yeah. 00:23:23.941 --> 00:23:26.067 And then you start thinking from that perspective, right? 00:23:26.209 --> 00:23:26.450 Yeah. 00:23:27.060 --> 00:23:29.701 When in my life have I felt like this Right? 00:23:29.701 --> 00:23:37.511 Connect to it empathy says I feel your sadness your anger your disappointment, babe. 00:23:37.511 --> 00:23:46.755 I'm so in this with you um it really feels the pain yeah it really connects with the emotion and it comes in close. 00:23:46.960 --> 00:23:54.425 It doesn't try to keep space, it doesn't necessarily always take a bunch of action or a bunch of ownership, but it does draw close. 00:23:54.747 --> 00:24:03.674 Yeah, and that drawing close is so necessary to actually again starting to heal this pain. 00:24:03.674 --> 00:24:18.747 Because you can't heal pain that you've caused in a relationship unless you're actually attuned to it, right Connected to it, because there has to be an owner and if there's no attunement, there's no ownership. 00:24:18.747 --> 00:24:19.389 Mm-hmm. 00:24:19.389 --> 00:24:21.846 Okay, compassion is the ultimate, though. 00:24:21.846 --> 00:24:22.448 Mm-hmm. 00:24:22.448 --> 00:24:27.336 Because compassion takes empathy one step further. 00:24:27.336 --> 00:24:27.920 Yeah. 00:24:28.201 --> 00:24:31.370 It's feeling what they feel and being moved to help. 00:24:31.370 --> 00:24:37.210 Compassion is just an amazing tool, no matter who you are. 00:24:37.210 --> 00:24:40.987 You see, in the Bible all the time it says and Jesus moved with compassion, stopped. 00:24:40.987 --> 00:24:49.729 He was on his way, he wasn't going to do anything, he was busy, but he moved through compassion, felt what they felt and did something. 00:24:49.729 --> 00:24:55.144 Compassion always takes action and so again it goes. 00:24:55.144 --> 00:24:58.553 They feel the pain, they draw close and they take action. 00:24:58.553 --> 00:25:12.105 So inside of a conflict, I gave some steps to this couple, like hey, when he's sharing his heart, I want you to start thinking through how that would feel if it was you. 00:25:12.105 --> 00:25:19.267 Where in your life has this happened to you and what would you want? 00:25:19.740 --> 00:25:22.625 Yeah, You're actually inviting. 00:25:22.625 --> 00:25:29.684 You were inviting them to get really curious about what was happening in the dynamic. 00:25:29.865 --> 00:25:31.087 And to take the armor off. 00:25:31.087 --> 00:25:33.332 So compassion sounds like this too. 00:25:33.332 --> 00:25:37.762 Wow, it's so painful to hear. 00:25:37.762 --> 00:25:39.224 I'm afraid I am. 00:25:39.224 --> 00:25:42.128 I'm afraid that I can't do what you want me to do. 00:25:42.128 --> 00:25:46.654 I'm afraid that I'm going to be overwhelmed. 00:25:46.654 --> 00:25:52.424 Oh, you can already start talking about yourself. 00:25:52.525 --> 00:26:03.339 I think that when it comes to actually attuning to them, I would say you would want to spend a lot of time validating what they're feeling before you share how you're feeling. 00:26:03.800 --> 00:26:08.031 I think that there is a place when you're trying to understand. 00:26:08.031 --> 00:26:12.324 You're not trying to shift it back to you, You're trying to go. 00:26:12.324 --> 00:26:21.432 This is so hard for me to even wrap my mind around because I feel so scared even hearing this. 00:26:21.432 --> 00:26:25.102 You're like yeah, that's how painful it's been for me and you go. 00:26:25.102 --> 00:26:27.389 I totally understand. 00:26:27.389 --> 00:26:30.688 I get it Like this is a really painful place for you. 00:26:30.688 --> 00:26:32.787 I'm still trying to explore your pain. 00:26:32.787 --> 00:26:39.152 I am working through, I'm putting myself in your shoes. 00:26:39.259 --> 00:26:40.345 I think you're just being really present. 00:26:40.620 --> 00:26:42.487 Yeah, being super present and super honest. 00:26:42.487 --> 00:26:58.384 Okay, it is from this place, from this place, it's from the place of empathy and compassion that you address and heal these longstanding, long-term challenges. 00:26:58.384 --> 00:27:08.285 And without this, what couples try to do is they try to use sympathy on a massive bullet hole, wound Sympathy

is a band-aid. 00:27:08.305 --> 00:27:14.341 Yeah, exactly a massive bullet hole. 00:27:14.341 --> 00:27:15.082 One sympathy is abandoned. 00:27:15.082 --> 00:27:17.606 Yeah, exactly, empathy and compassion are bloody hands and a suture. 00:27:17.606 --> 00:27:19.048 They are like getting in the mess. 00:27:19.048 --> 00:27:20.250 I created this mess. 00:27:20.250 --> 00:27:22.701 Wow, I'm afraid to go in that mess. 00:27:22.701 --> 00:27:30.173 Yeah, totally, but you mean so much to me I am coming in there and I would never want you to be left here. 00:27:30.173 --> 00:27:40.301 And so I think for a lot of couples, for a lot of people, what happened is when you take ownership. 00:27:40.301 --> 00:27:42.128 When you were young, you got punished. 00:27:42.128 --> 00:27:58.454 When you, if you had to block yourself from feeling empathy and from feeling compassion, that emotion was shut down because you couldn't survive in your childhood feeling that. 00:27:59.016 --> 00:28:04.747 For a lot of people, Not everyone but for a lot of people and also just how people are wired. 00:28:04.747 --> 00:28:19.272 But ultimately, I really want to encourage people to practice taking off the armor, practice using empathy, practice using compassion, listen to really understand. 00:28:19.272 --> 00:28:23.912 But the key to me is putting yourself in their shoes. 00:28:24.621 --> 00:28:32.653 I think another thing worth mentioning is that our human nature makes accessing empathy and compassion challenging. 00:28:32.653 --> 00:29:05.452 It does, and so I would say you need the help of the Holy Spirit to really nail this process, Like the fruit of the Spirit will help you access empathy and compassion in a way that truly is not easy to do otherwise, Like you're wired to self-protect, which is why I mean, like Jason's saying, practice this, practice it, practice it, practice it, because it really doesn't come naturally when you're wired to protect yourself. 00:29:05.452 --> 00:29:07.283 So I do. 00:29:07.283 --> 00:29:38.566 The only reason I say that is to say like this is an Olympic level emotional health tool to practice and you need the Lord's help to actually empower you to do this, because left to yourself, it is scary and it is hard to do when we have patterns and patterns and patterns and cycles and cycles of painful interactions that have convinced us that we actually shouldn't utilize empathy and compassion. 00:29:38.987 --> 00:29:44.422 Right, so yeah main it's not easy in order to like actually walk this all out. 00:29:44.422 --> 00:29:48.408 I think it's getting curious. 00:29:48.408 --> 00:29:52.555 It's asking the question help me understand what this has been like for you. 00:29:52.555 --> 00:29:54.365 It's being present. 00:29:54.365 --> 00:30:08.084 It's not defending right, it's actively listening, so not jumping to fix it, but really listening, and then bring in validation, so empathy and compassion. 00:30:08.084 --> 00:30:09.650 They also validate Right. 00:30:09.650 --> 00:30:16.128 They're going wow, I could see how that would feel man, that would be really lonely, it would be really painful. 00:30:16.128 --> 00:30:24.951 So when you're validating, use the emotion wheel, like actually use the core emotions in order to help the other person. 00:30:25.010 --> 00:30:26.232 Know that you know how that feels. 00:30:26.232 --> 00:30:27.684 Wow, that would feel so scary. 00:30:27.684 --> 00:30:28.429 There would be a lot of fear in that. 00:30:28.429 --> 00:30:28.932 You must have felt feels. 00:30:28.932 --> 00:30:29.535 Wow, that would feel so scary. 00:30:29.535 --> 00:30:37.512 There'd be a lot of fear in that you must have felt X, y and Z and then taking some real ownership. 00:30:37.512 --> 00:30:39.622 Right, I wasn't there when you needed me. 00:30:40.083 --> 00:30:42.386 That's on me or man. 00:30:42.386 --> 00:30:57.170 You have felt alone for all these years and you've tried to communicate it to me and I've armored up by again taking ownership but also being able to repeat back to them what they've experienced. 00:30:57.170 --> 00:31:07.442 It really lets them know that you're attuned and then offering a sincere apology I hate that I've hurt you or I see it so much clearer now. 00:31:07.442 --> 00:31:08.924 It makes a lot of sense. 00:31:08.924 --> 00:31:10.126 I want to own it. 00:31:10.126 --> 00:31:11.490 I want to be different. 00:31:11.750 --> 00:31:12.551 I want to help you. 00:31:12.551 --> 00:31:13.473 That's really good. 00:31:14.540 --> 00:31:31.520 So, if you know that this is where you've been, you're in this spot in your marriage and you have, instead of really doing a great job, to own something you've armored up and you're offering sympathy, telling them that that should be enough for them. 00:31:31.520 --> 00:31:32.643 What do you want from me? 00:31:32.643 --> 00:31:35.370 I'm telling you that would be a bummer. 00:31:35.370 --> 00:31:36.460 I'm telling you it would. 00:31:36.460 --> 00:31:38.347 Yep, you're giving them sympathy. 00:31:38.347 --> 00:31:53.189 You're not giving them empathy or compassion, being able to actually go back and say, hey, I've protected myself, I have been self-protecting inside of conflict and it's led to more conflict. 00:31:53.189 --> 00:31:54.747 That's my fault. 00:31:54.747 --> 00:32:06.400 I want you to feel cared for and loved and known from me and then being able to practice, when you get into a conflict, to use that empathy to use that compassion. 00:32:08.426 --> 00:32:09.383 Alright, y'all guys, thank you so much for listening. 00:32:09.383 --> 00:32:09.685 Hopefully this helps you a bunch. 00:32:09.685 --> 00:32:10.145 That empathy, use that compassion. 00:32:10.145 --> 00:32:10.260 It's good, really good. 00:32:10.260 --> 00:32:11.403 All right, y'all guys, thank you so much for listening. 00:32:11.403 --> 00:32:15.608 Hopefully this helps you a bunch in your conflicts and to crush it. 00:32:15.608 --> 00:32:18.547 We, uh, we will see you next week. 00:32:19.009 --> 00:32:19.875 Yeah, dates, mates and babies. 00:32:19.875 --> 00:32:20.759 Have a great week everybody. 00:32:21.760 --> 00:32:22.401 See y'all, bye.