TRANSCRIPT 🔗
Speaker 1:
0:14
So last beard lied she'd stole and slept her way to a good life with a well-off husband. It was a great role model and stepfather to her twin daughters. He was a tough husband who was a great role model and stepfather to her twin daughters. He was twice her age, but anyone would rather be rich getting fucked by an old man than poor getting fucked by overtime. Even with all the luxuries that life had to offer, celeste, with her endless grief, drove one husband to suicide, one to debt and another to be murdered by a secret lesbian lover. This woman wasn't just fucked up, she was fucked down sideways and probably fucked diagonally. This is the story of Celeste Beard, the woman who traded her family for a paycheck. And spoiler alert, you never bet against a full house. Welcome back to Criminaling, underreported Murder Mysteries. Thank you for coming.
Speaker 1:
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Celeste Beard was raised and adopted by two loving parents. You'd be surprised at how many killers have great parents. If good parents made bad people, I'd be a saint. Celeste Beard was adopted, along with her three other siblings as babies into the loving care of Edwin and Nancy Johnson. Fun fact, a family of Johnsons is known as a sausage fest. Edwin and Nancy couldn't have children, so after three miscarriages they adopted four children and for a while all was right in the Johnson household. But peace can often spend more time absent than present in your life. If that's true, I must have a really peaceful dad. Then Celeste Beard made herself a charming and lovable daddy's girl, but only at first.
Speaker 1:
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Celeste learned to infatuate in charm, but also to instigate and fight in her own family. She was the first one to snitch on her siblings whenever they broke the rules. That little munchkin was so eager to see her siblings punished. She also always violently woke up screaming every single morning. She must also work, for I can't finish that joke because I still work at that current job. Shout out to my co-worker Irene Great friend, don't come into work on Monday. On a few occasions the cops were called several times for her being violent with almost every member of her family. When there was some ass-whooping to be served, she made sure it was family-sized.
Speaker 1:
2:47
Eventually, celeste was put in therapy to help address her anger issues. Celeste would admit that she was angry because she wanted attention. Like, how are you going to get all the eyes on you when you make them black and blue? Celeste loved hanging out with the rich girls. She was charming, vapid and screwed around with rich people. She's one butt surgery away from being a Kardashian.
Speaker 1:
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Her father, after dealing with all her bullshit, eventually lost his mind. He became religious and started calling himself Jebediah, attacking his sons and going on rants about how slavery is a choice you know the usual crazy stuff. This led to a three-year-long divorce and custody battle with his wife, nancy. Celeste, on the other hand, was thriving. For some odd reason, all the boys in her high school really liked the beautiful, charming, pretty and single young girl. I don't know why charming, pretty and single young girl. I don't know why she flirted with everyone, and I mean everyone. When her brother made love to his longtime girlfriend, she joked that Celeste fucked her first. It's crazy how that guy got both his brother's hand-me-downs and his sister's sloppy seconds.
Speaker 1:
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Eventually, celeste caught the eye of a man named Craig Blanchard. Well, more of a boy. She met Craig while visiting a bar at just the age of 15. He was only 17 at the time and, you know, with enough alcohol, celeste almost looked like a decent person. He decided then and there that he was going to date Celeste. But who makes good decisions when alcohol is involved? Craig was popular. He threw a lot of parties at his dad's house. He was loved by almost everyone. He was a kind and gentle soul. However, kind and gentle young men are Celeste's favorite play toy and as far as I know, that's the only thing she has in common with the Catholic Church.
Speaker 1:
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Celeste had a weird history of claiming to be sexually assaulted. First she claimed her dad assaulted her. Barry's family members attest otherwise. His mind was screwed, but he wasn't screwing with his kids. You have to be in the ditty tax bracket to get away with things like that. Next she accused her boss of assaulting her. To rile Craig up to fight him, her boss took out a hammer and hit Craig over the head with it. On another occasion Celeste kissed Craig's friend Jeff, then screamed for Craig to fight him for it.
Speaker 1:
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Craig suffered from all of Celeste's actions. His friends would slowly drift away from him and Celeste totaled his car during an argument. She wasn't just a bad girlfriend, but she was a shit friend. But don't you just love women who can multitask? Celeste had one friend she hadn't managed to alienate, named Gail. Gail was like a sister to Celeste. One day when Celeste was driving fast to impress a group of boys in an adjoining car. Gail fell out and instead of stopping to help her, she kept driving. Gail's clothes got stuck in the car so instead of falling out, she was dragged by Celeste's car for a few hundred feet Fasting. The theory has taught me never to turn your back on family, you know, not to Tokyo drift all over them. She also dragged her actual family. While in court, during the divorce proceeding, celeste claimed under oath that her dad stabbed her in the eye. She had no visible signs of scarring or injury. You know Celeste fucks over her family so often. You'd swear she's the queen of Alabama.
Speaker 1:
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At just the age of 17, celeste dropped out of school Because she was pregnant, which is really strange, because last time I checked, wicked witches can't get wet. Craig was only 19, but
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he married, moved in and eventually started a family with Celeste. The home had to be safari, because there's no way in hell. Craig kept that wild animal in an apartment. Gail kept in contact with Celeste. When she was several months into labor. Celeste was told to stay in bed, you know, so she wouldn't complicate her pregnancy. That same day Gail caught Celeste walking to the gas station to buy candy. Her water would break. That same afternoon Her twins would be born prematurely because she wanted sweets. She was more concerned with getting Tootsie Pops than her own kids. It's not like she's going to find a decent mother at the center of one of them.
Speaker 1:
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Despite being two months early, jennifer Ann Blanchard and Christina Ann Blanchard were healthy and happy, probably for one of the first and last times ever in their lives. The family was poor and dysfunctional. They moved houses seven times in six months and Celeste moved through men at least twice. That rate. Ah got him. She would regularly cheat on Craig, however. He was so love stick he took her back. Every single time she claimed that she was molested by her dad and that's why she cheated. Loving a monster has a funny way of stripping you of your own humanity, because on several occasions Celeste called the cops on Craig.
Speaker 1:
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Whenever Celeste ran off, Craig would always find her. On one occasion Craig pulled a gun on a man she was cheating with. Why be someone's prison wife for a woman that treats her ass like a public library, you know, open to everyone? While in prison celeste would visit, up until she fell in love with one of craig's friends and cellmates. She ran off with him and, of course, stole all the money in his bank account. This woman stole Craig's money, his heart and his best friend. Craig got four months for brandishing a firearm and Celeste got nothing for robbery. This continued for years. Craig would chase after Celeste. She claimed that she was only like this because she was sexually assaulted by her dad. Craig would accept her apology and she would either run off with another guy or she would hurt herself and call the cops and blame it on Craig.
Speaker 1:
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Celeste had a high pain tolerance too. From an early age. She could break her own arm. Then she'd use that to blame one of the members of her family. I guess the Uno games in that house must have been real intense in that house must have been real intense.
Speaker 1:
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On May 18th 1982, celeste would divorce from Craig and be given full custody of Jennifer and Christina. The marriage only lasted about 18 months, which you know is 18 months longer than all my relationships combined. Craig had to pay $300 a month in child support, lost his car and half the furniture. Hopefully it was the bottom half so he could save it for JD Vance. Craig couldn't keep up with the payments and had to sell his motorcycle. While Craig was selling his personal possessions to keep supporting his daughters. Celeste was abandoning them to go to nightclubs and sleeping around.
Speaker 1:
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Celeste spent more time with kids on her face than in her life. God damn it, I'm on fire. She would often leave her own kids filthy alone for hours. She became possessive over her friend Gail, constantly asking about her whereabouts and not giving her any personal space. Celeste held her tight like she was the last kid on an Epstein flight base. Celeste held her tight like she was the last kid on an Epstein flight. Eventually, after one eventful fight, gail tried to leave, but Celeste threw a knife in her direction. After that day she never returned, but Celeste reported that Gail stole her purse. The police were, however, well aware of Celeste by that time and notified Gail that the purse was recovered on the side of the road, most likely planted there by Celeste. Gail was able to leave Celeste for good, and you know, dropping a crazy bitch out of your life is something that should be celebrated.
Speaker 1:
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Celeste would eventually room with her own father, jebediah, despite her claims of him sexually assaulting her. She was controlling of her father. Whenever he left the house without telling her she'd call the cops. Her dad eventually ran off like there was a deep discount on some milk and cigarettes, or he was trying to rendezvous with my dad or something. Celeste would still, however, mess around with Craig, but dropped him cold turkey for one of their classmates, pete.
Speaker 1:
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Early into their relationship, celeste stole money from Pete's bank account. Even after this, they still got married. Celeste steals from her husband so much you'd swear it's her preferred form of foreplay. Celeste was able to find a beautiful apartment to start their new life with. The only problem was she needed a couple grand to take care of the initial cost. She asked Pete for this and promised that she'd pay him back with the money from her mother. As you can assume, this statement was as fictitious as my love life. Celeste left Pete and never returned.
Speaker 1:
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Greg left for California. He was more of a drunken mess than the women I'm into. Celeste somehow found him in this vulnerable state and convinced him to take her back. They moved together to Phoenix, arizona. Celeste was soon pregnant with what I can assume was Greg's child, but considering how often she cheats, the paternity test was probably just a high-stake game of Russian roulette. Celeste and Craig, however, agreed to put the child up for adoption. However, celeste went behind Craig's back and made an agreement with the adoptive parents that they would pay for the medical bills. Craig was shocked because his work insurance already paid for it. Celeste essentially pocketed a couple grand for her kid. She put her kid up for money. Essentially, who bought that kid? Drake?
Speaker 1:
12:30
It was tax return season or track and field for
Celeste, because she took Greg's tax return along with ten thousand dollars from him, and ran into the arms of the next man she found. Greg was heartbroken and cut his wrist. His daughters were taken by Celeste and Celeste would avoid Greg harder than I avoid a serious relationship. She was so neglectful of her daughters that they were taken into foster care. This inspired a whole TV show called Foster's Home for Imaginary Parents. Some of Jennifer and Christina's foster families were kind, while others were cruel. In one home they were bullied by a foster family and called names for wetting the bed. Thank God R Kelly wasn't their foster parent. Celeste returned on one occasion to visit, only to abandon them in the foster home to chase after men. This event in the Olympics is called the 400-meter Dick and Dash and of course Celeste is a gold medalist.
Speaker 1:
13:32
Harold Wolfe was her new man. He served in the Air Force, but dating Celeste that was a whole different battlefield. Something about Celeste just made her untrustworthy. They went to therapy and he was told if she hadn't done anything untrustworthy there's no reason to distrust her. But honestly, you can trust Celeste as far as the next dick in her life. Somehow Harold Wolfe found something in her worth marrying and they did so. On December of 1988, celeste got custody of Jennifer and Christina. Celeste would live on base with them and you know it's kind of crazy how the military will let you keep snakes in your living quarter. I guess Celeste must be the exception.
Speaker 1:
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Celeste was hired at Crystal Ice in 1987. The job required at least a junior college degree, while Celeste did not have a junior college degree. She did, however, have a lying tongue. She met a woman named Lou Thompson at work. She treated Lou like she was her mother, telling her I wish you were my mom. Lou started treating Celeste like she was her daughter. Lou even started looking after Jennifer and Christina like they were her own granddaughters. They all lived with Lou and her husband. For the first time in their lives, jennifer and Christina had a happy, healthy family.
Speaker 1:
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But that would be as consistent as the bed Celeste sleeps in. Celeste would have her usual fight with Harold and got running to the Thompsons. As expected, they would take her side. There were many fights between Celeste and Harold. Harold would probably be safer marrying Mike Tyson. He'd probably give him less of an earful too. One night Celeste told Harold she was going to be out all night with friends. Harold invited a few of his buddies from his unit for some drinks and to hang out. Celeste, however, showed up unexpectedly and yelled at him for not missing her. Harold's friend ran out just as Celeste began chucking bottles. Last time I checked, dodgeball isn't exactly a drinking game.
Speaker 1:
15:28
Harold bought her a new car. She hated it. I guess a witch prefers her broom. She slashed the car in several places and claimed to the police that someone broke into it and destroyed her car. But the cop just said it was good enough to drive and didn't do much afterwards. You know, not doing much is considered overtime in most police departments. Harold said deep down he knew Celeste was lying, as in not telling the truth, not lying on her back for every man she isn't married to.
Speaker 1:
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When the girls were really, really young, celeste took them to a funeral of who she claimed was their grandmother, but Nancy wasn't dead. This might have been her biological mother, but Nancy never told Celeste who she was. Celeste was always curious about her biological parents, but Nancy never told her, probably because the devil was too busy to handle her bullshit. But the girls would be reintroduced to their grandmother, nancy. The girls would also get a much-needed break from Celeste. When Craig took them for the summer they played sports, went camping. Jennifer loved those summers with her father. But if I was stuck with Celeste for a lifetime I'd call anybody that could take me away from her daddy too. But back at home Celeste was having the police called on Harold after faking bruises. Time away probably was the best thing for him.
Speaker 1:
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Celeste was a drag on his military career. For some reason their daily battles just weren't making him a better soldier. Greg's evaluation had been dropping. Celeste was bothered in picking fights with Craig's superiors when she didn't appreciate his deployments. When he tried to avoid her, she'd break into his home or vandalize his car. Once, while trying to leave, celeste took out a knife and threatened to kill herself. Kill herself, I mean. Don't threaten the man with a good time. While Craig was put on deployment, celeste cheated on him with a bartender. She got pregnant. However, the baby never made it to term.
Speaker 1:
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Celeste would get a hysterectomy because she's so evil that the only thing that could crawl out of that uterus is the devil itself. The hysterectomy was probably done by a priest. She claimed to her daughters that the procedure was due to ovarian cancer. She used her removed ovaries as a weapon to gain sympathy and guilt from others. Trust me, ovaries can be a very dangerous weapon. But on the bright side she had a breast implant, and you know, bigger titties are always something worth celebrating. Celeste didn't pay for them herself. She hung around rich barflies and well-off lawyers. One of them wanted to see more of her, but just in the chess department. You don't have to make eye contact with the devil if you're staring at her breasts.
Speaker 1:
18:17
Celeste was also a shitty driver. She would speed with Christina and Jennifer in the car, slam on the brakes and scream that the car was going to explode. This, of course, scared the girls. She was such a shitty driver she traumatized both her daughters and the road
underneath the car. Celeste would punish the girls by beating them with wooden spoons, but didn't even visit Jennifer when she was hospitalized. You know, with seizures. Celeste also earned Mother of the Year by regularly taking the girls out of class for important things like shopping sprees. Celeste would see her first day in court after she reported her car as missing. When the car was discovered, she was the first one on the scene with a videotape while it burned. Celeste would later brag to Lou Thompson that she burned it for the insurance money. Lou warned her against this, but Seles claimed it was fine because she wasn't hurting anyone and when it comes to hurting people she's a bit of an expert.
Speaker 1:
19:16
A few days later, while the Thompsons were out of town, seles called in distress. There had been a bit of a break-in. The Thompson's quickly returned home and reported the robbery to the authorities. While filing for insurance, celeste told them to lie so they could get more money out of it. There's only one problem with trusting Celeste You'd stand a better chance of trusting a razor blade to clean your ass. So after their first fight, celeste started singing like he was Drake with the melodies.
Speaker 1:
19:46
Celeste Beer told officers that the Thompsons committed insurance fraud. The Thompsons were good people, so they told the cops about the break-ins, about Celeste telling them to lie on the insurance claims and about Celeste burning her own car. They told the cops everything about Celeste, except what color underwear she was wearing. But why tell them something everyone already knows? After an investigation, officers found that Celeste was lying about the burnt car, but she also lied about the burglary. No one broke into Lou Thompson's home. Celeste stole from them and then quickly trashed it to make it look like it was a burglary.
Speaker 1:
20:26
Celeste couldn't be prosecuted for burglarizing because the initial report was falsified. Celeste would ultimately get four years of probation, 200 hours of mandatory community service, and was required to pay the insurance company $20,000. Lou and Gary Thompson got three to five years of probation respectively and had to pay $8,000 in restitution. The insurance company must have had a huge dick, because not even Celeste could screw them. Another reason why Celeste's charges were so lenient is because she agreed to leave Arizona. This promise brought Celeste's charges were so lenient is because she agreed to leave Arizona. This promise brought Celeste's beard to Texas.
Speaker 1:
21:08
Jamie Martinez would be the new man in her life. She bragged to her daughters that she married Jimmy because of his BMW, but not the car. It stood for Big Mexican Wiener. That's not a joke. She told her own daughter she married him for his huge Hispanic hog, his lengthy Latino lady tickler, his colossal Colombian cock. I added a few so she could use it just in case big
Mexican wiener gut gets old. She loved him because he was good at sex, so of course she had to marry him.
Speaker 1:
21:42
The only problem is that she was still married to Harold. He had shipped off to Iceland so when he returned he was surprised to see all his things gone and his wife too, probably celebrating a little bit about the wife. Harold went to a different country to protect his home and only came home to his wife with a different husband. Harold went on a military deployment and Celeste went on a dick deployment. She at least left him with his truck, $60,000 of debt and bad credit. Damn, harold really traded a bad bitch for some bad credit.
Speaker 1:
22:20
The divorce was finalized and Celeste would begin packing. Not Celeste, of course. She had a social life. Most of the moving was done by her two daughters, jennifer and Christina. When she got home and saw the 11-year-olds had not finished moving, celeste decided to do some unpacking of herself, unpacking of some punishments and trauma on the 11-year-olds.
Speaker 1:
22:45
Celeste got a man that could fuck her right, a three-bedroom home and hundreds of expensive shoes and clothes. Celeste got a whole room to use as her closet. My closet is so small that I need to come out of it every June just for air. Don't read too much into that last line. Do you think Jimmy's big Mexican wiener would be enough to keep Celeste loyal Insane? But she was still fucking crazy. After any fight she would vandalize the walls, cut her wrists or threaten to kill herself. During one argument the girls Christina and Jennifer were stuck in the car. With them on the freeway Celeste almost jumped out of the moving car. Jimmy had to grab her by the arm to stop her. Even after all of that she still called the cops on him. Celeste claimed that Jimmy was responsible for the slashes on her wrist. He would end up locked up in prison for the night. At this point the local prisons are holding more Celeste's ex-husbands than actual criminals.
Speaker 1:
23:50
Jimmy managed to get her to a psychiatrist and on medication for depression. Initially the medication was successful, but Celeste dropped it like it was a decent husband. Celeste also put tens of thousands of dollars of debt on Jimmy's credit card. When he discovered it, celeste claimed she had throat cancer. I guess she ran into the Incredible Hulk at a bar and they really hit it off. When Celeste was done screwing with Jimmy's finances, she began to search for a new bank account. I mean, husband Celeste would be a waitress at a local Texas community club. She was always willing to tell the patrons how she was a desperate single mother looking for a man. She flirted with practically everyone until she found her next target for marriage and murder Steve Beard. You know, I heard, if you buy a wedding ring for Celeste you get a good discount on a coffin. So let me tell you a bit about Steve Beard. Steve Beard was more than double Celeste's age and had a whole life. He lived before meeting her.
Speaker 1:
24:54
Born November 27th 1924 to a working class home, his early life was fairly uneventful. Eventually, steve would major in advertising and marketing before ending up with a degree in chiropractic medicine. When World War II broke out, steve served in the Navy. After the war Steve would earn a job as a shoe salesman. However, feeling upbeat though fun isn't how he made his fortune. That would be from his work at Dallas KRLD radio station. Before marrying the beautiful and charming Elise Adams, steve would work as a personal assistant to the owners of the station. Eventually, steve would find his place in the company, selling advertisements and producing TV commercials. While Steve grew more comfortable in his role, elise Adams grew more comfortable in his role, elyse Adams grew more comfortable in his arms and Steve and Elyse would marry and have three beautiful kids Steve III, becky and Paul. They were all great kids because they had a great father.
Speaker 1:
25:59
Steve was always in his kids' lives, drove them to after-school activities and sports. Steve was always in his kids' lives, drove them to after-school activities and sports. He was well-known around town for being a kind man too. When a local family got kicked out of their home he negotiated behind the scenes to get them a deep discount on a nice rental. No-transcript. Steve was living a perfect life with a perfect wife and three perfect kids. But perfect rarely lasts forever.
Speaker 1:
26:30
A few months after their 45th wedding anniversary, elise came down with cancer, but this time around it was more dangerous. After fighting through it she would die October 13th 1993, at just the age of 67. Leaving behind three children and a husband to mourn her. You know I hate cancer. Cancer is such a big bitch it could take the job of my supervisor. Steve Beard was in much mourning after his wife of 45 years passed.
Speaker 1:
27:02
Steve Beard, being married so long, didn't know how to handle dating. I've never been married and I still can't handle it Because of his money. That made him a target for women more interested in his money than in his heart. Women were grabbing at him like he wore a money suit to a strip club. You know that sounds like a pretty fun idea. Unfortunately, steve Beard ended up with one of the worst Celeste.
Speaker 1:
27:28
Bored of Jimmy Martinez, celeste began fishing around her local country club for a new man. Celeste changes her man more often than I change my engine oil but to be fair, her marriages blow up more often than my car engine does. Celeste was shopping around a sad story about being a poor single mother fighting for the custody of her two precious kids from a mean ex. The actual story was that Jennifer stayed with her dad and Christina stayed with Celeste. Jennifer said directly to a court psychiatrist that Celeste was a pathological liar
and abandoned her all the time. Jennifer and Christina loved spending summers with their dad, but Christina always worried about her mom. Christina spent more time parenting her mother than being an actual kid. I'm surprised Christina didn't have to breastfeed herself too so many of the locals in their country club.
Speaker 1:
28:20
They bought Celeste's story of being a hapless single mother, and the one buying it the most was Steve Beard. Steve even hired her as a house decorator, which must be real crazy given her expertise as a house wrecker. If I had a choice between having Celeste in my home or an oil fire, I'd burn down the house twice with me in it. She wasn't a good home decorator, but consider this Steve Beard met a woman that made the sun look like there was just a little bit of heaven up there. Losing her must have felt like hell.
Speaker 1:
28:54
Steve Beard was a man desperately stretching out for someone, anybody that could pull him out of that chasm of despair. Unfortunately for him, celeste was just waiting to drop him down a deeper, darker one. It would all start with getting close to him. You can't stab a man in the back if he keeps his distance. It was not clear how they got close. She would go from home decorator to girlfriend to wife at a record pace. This woman is a runner, a drag star, and she'd make even Usain Bolt jealous.
Speaker 1:
29:28
During Celeste's first meeting with Steve's kid, she was wearing their dead mother's jewelry. On top of that, even Steve's daughter, becky, found Celeste unusually young. I checked Becky's online obituary and most sources say they dated for one to two years. Steve Beard was 69 when they started dating and Celeste was 31. Steve would be in his 70s when they married and Celeste would be 33 or 34. At the oldest, becky Beard, steve's daughter, was 42 years old At the youngest. I'm not saying love can't bloom in an age gap, but either Celeste Beard was planning something sinister on an emotionally compromised man or Steve Beard was looking for a contract at OVO, ovo, ovo, ovo, ovo, step this way, step this way. Although Steve's kids trusted his judgments, they were very skeptical of the woman he was choosing to marry. They were the only ones His friends thought anyone not named Drake shouldn't be marrying a woman 40 years younger than him. Also, celeste would badmouth Steve right to their faces, calling him fat, a slob and clingy. And you know, as a Shrek fan, those are the qualities I look for in every partner.
Speaker 1:
30:46
I'm a wee bit over 10 pages, but I don't want to end this prematurely. The next episode involves the suicide of a past husband, a secret lesbian lover and an attempted assassination of a current husband. This story has more twists and turns than a bisexual college girl on spring break and three shots of vodka. But I'm sorry, we ended it early. I thought I would have lasted longer, but thank you for coming. Oh God, I need to stop copying and pasting my Tinder messages into my podcast script. See you next time on Criminally Underreported Murder Mysteries. Come again, thank you.