Full Transcript for Voices Carry

00:05:25.680 --> 00:05:29.439 One person didn't respond in the way the other expected. 00:05:29.680 --> 00:05:37.600 But the impact is what the incident means to you and what it activates as a trigger inside of you. 00:05:37.920 --> 00:05:48.319 The incident may be relatively small or seemingly insignificant, but the impact can feel ginormous because it touches an old hurt. 00:05:48.480 --> 00:05:57.279 It hits a fear, it smacks right on an old belief or some kind of emotional wound that has been carried for years. 00:05:57.519 --> 00:06:00.560 The dishes not being done, incident. 00:06:01.680 --> 00:06:05.040 Impact, you expect me to handle everything. 00:06:05.360 --> 00:06:08.800 The forgotten tomatoes from the store, incident. 00:06:09.360 --> 00:06:14.480 The impact may be you forgot about me, or I don't matter to you. 00:06:14.959 --> 00:06:17.839 A question about money may be the incident. 00:06:18.079 --> 00:06:23.839 The impact may be you just don't trust me, or nothing I ever do is good enough for you. 00:06:24.319 --> 00:06:27.279 Again, here's what couples often miss. 00:06:27.839 --> 00:06:33.360 The impact screams louder than the incident, even when it is never spoken. 00:06:33.680 --> 00:06:41.680 Your partner may only hear your anger, criticism, defensiveness, or silence, because silence is pretty loud. 00:06:41.920 --> 00:06:47.439 They may have no idea what that incident activated or triggered inside of you. 00:06:47.600 --> 00:06:59.040 And when that impact remains unspoken, stifled, each person begins reacting to the other's reaction instead of trying to understand the hurt underneath. 00:06:59.279 --> 00:07:03.680 So an incident may have happened, let's just say three, four, or five years ago. 00:07:03.839 --> 00:07:04.879 It's done. 00:07:05.120 --> 00:07:06.160 It's over. 00:07:06.480 --> 00:07:09.279 One partner may have even forgotten all about it. 00:07:09.519 --> 00:07:16.720 But for the other partner, the impact of that incident may be still living very loudly on the inside. 00:07:17.120 --> 00:07:24.800 Now, couples I work with often wonder, why in the world are they still talking about something that happened years ago? 00:07:25.120 --> 00:07:26.160 It's over. 00:07:26.480 --> 00:07:27.680 Can't we move on? 00:07:27.920 --> 00:07:29.360 I thought we moved on already. 00:07:29.519 --> 00:07:35.519 And yes, the incident is over, but the impact may still be very much alive. 00:07:37.120 --> 00:07:49.439 And if that hurt, that impact was never fully acknowledged, never understood, never repaired, it doesn't automatically disappear simply because time has passed. 00:07:49.920 --> 00:07:52.720 You know, the expression time heals all wounds. 00:07:53.120 --> 00:07:54.319 No, it does not. 00:07:55.199 --> 00:08:15.360 It can remain beneath the surface, influencing trust, emotional safety, screwing up intimacy, and the meaning somebody attaches to what happened in the relationship today, years later from that incident or from

an incident. 00:08:15.600 --> 00:08:23.040 A present-day incident, something that happens in the moment, may touch that old unresolved impact. 00:08:23.199 --> 00:08:28.000 And suddenly the argument carries the emotional weight of everything that came before it. 00:08:28.240 --> 00:08:31.360 And somebody might be thinking, I thought we healed that already. 00:08:31.519 --> 00:08:33.360 I thought we resolved that already. 00:08:33.600 --> 00:08:47.279 And suddenly, what's coming up are all these other things coming and attached to whatever was the response or the reaction from the momentary incident. 00:08:47.360 --> 00:08:50.639 And suddenly there's this huge bucket of things. 00:08:50.799 --> 00:08:54.639 And the other person's like, oh my God, why is this coming back up? 00:08:55.200 --> 00:09:08.639 So before I share some examples, I want to say that whenever I talk about any couple that I'm currently working with, or any couple I've worked with in the past, I do not use their real names or any identifying details. 00:09:08.879 --> 00:09:12.240 I am fiercely protective of the couples I work with. 00:09:12.399 --> 00:09:23.759 You're not going to see me uh having videos of people saying how great their time with me was or how their marriage was saved, um, or how they got to the altar and resolved everything beforehand. 00:09:24.080 --> 00:09:26.879 I'm not here to identify people. 00:09:27.120 --> 00:09:38.879 I will talk about the examples, and I have a very purposeful way that I do that, but I'm not here to make light of anybody's situation or reveal them in any way. 00:09:39.120 --> 00:09:45.679 They're only shared to help illustrate the dynamics and whatever concepts we're exploring on any episode. 00:09:45.919 --> 00:09:49.440 So now let me give you an example now that you understand that. 00:09:49.679 --> 00:09:58.559 I work with a couple where the wife may share, you know, a feeling, a concern, or something she just wanted them to address in their relationship. 00:09:58.720 --> 00:10:01.759 So she says, Hey, are you available to talk right now? 00:10:01.919 --> 00:10:04.559 Because we always want to ask if somebody's available. 00:10:04.720 --> 00:10:06.000 Not everybody is. 00:10:06.240 --> 00:10:11.200 And so she wants to sit down, she wants to really share something from her heart. 00:10:11.440 --> 00:10:14.480 Her intention is not to attack her partner. 00:10:14.960 --> 00:10:16.720 She just wanted to address something. 00:10:16.879 --> 00:10:20.000 Even her words are not attacking words. 00:10:20.159 --> 00:10:21.759 She calmly shares. 00:10:22.000 --> 00:10:23.519 But what does he hear? 00:10:23.840 --> 00:10:25.519 I'm being attacked. 00:10:25.759 --> 00:10:28.720 That's the impact occurring inside of him. 00:10:29.039 --> 00:10:33.360 She may be saying something like, I really miss spending time with you. 00:10:33.600 --> 00:10:39.679 And he hears, You're failing me, as in his wife feels he has failed her. 00:10:39.919 --> 00:10:46.399 She may be saying, Gosh, I could use a little more help, but he hears, you never do enough. 00:10:46.639 --> 00:10:52.879 She may be trying to share her experience and invite him into this calm conversation. 00:10:53.440 --> 00:10:59.039 Meanwhile, he's already preparing to defend himself against an attack she never made. 00:10:59.279 --> 00:11:04.399 And once he becomes defensive, she may feel dismissed and unheard. 00:11:04.559 --> 00:11:09.919 So she says it again, maybe more aggressively, because she's trying to prove her point. 00:11:10.159 --> 00:11:18.720 And then, of course, his defensiveness grows, her frustration grows, and soon they're having a very loud argument. 00:11:19.360 --> 00:11:25.039 And she came to create this conversation just to discuss a concern. 00:11:25.279 --> 00:11:29.519 And he thinks he's defending himself from criticism and attack. 00:11:29.759 --> 00:11:34.399 So now neither one of them is responding just to the words being spoken. 00:11:34.639 --> 00:11:42.639 They're now reacting to what those words mean and what each of them is silently hearing underneath that impact. 00:11:43.039 --> 00:11:48.559 This is how the voices beneath the conversation begin to carry the conflict. 00:11:48.720 --> 00:11:52.159 And then it becomes a total verbal brawl. 00:11:52.320 --> 00:11:55.039 She's now trying harder and harder to be heard. 00:11:55.360 --> 00:11:58.159 He's trying harder and harder to defend himself. 00:11:58.320 --> 00:12:02.159 And the more defensive he becomes, the more dismissed she feels. 00:12:02.399 --> 00:12:06.559 The more aggressively she speaks, the more attacked he feels. 00:12:06.799 --> 00:12:09.519 Now they're not even talking about the original concern. 00:12:09.600 --> 00:12:12.559 This has become like something else. 00:12:12.799 --> 00:12:16.399 They are reacting to each other's reactions. 00:12:16.639 --> 00:12:21.600 She thinks again they were there to discuss something really important happening in their relationship. 00:12:21.759 --> 00:12:25.440 And he's sitting there going, Oh my gosh, I'm feeling attacked. 00:12:25.600 --> 00:12:33.120 And again, both of them just have become activated, and the real issue completely disappears underneath the argument. 00:12:33.840 --> 00:12:40.159 The incident may have started the conversation, but the impact is now driving that verbal brawl. 00:12:40.480 --> 00:12:52.480 And you know those hidden trigger buttons, the old hurts, fears, beliefs, and meanings that get activated beneath the surface, those become the voices that carry. 00:12:52.960 --> 00:12:59.360 And again, they carry more loudly than the words actually being spoken. 00:13:00.080 --> 00:13:03.360 Somebody says, I want to talk about something. 00:13:04.320 --> 00:13:06.080 I really want to talk about something. 00:13:06.240 --> 00:13:09.120 And he hears, you just screwed up again. 00:13:09.519 --> 00:13:11.120 So he becomes defensive. 00:13:11.440 --> 00:13:14.320 And she hears,

your feelings don't matter to me. 00:13:14.879 --> 00:13:22.960 Now, again, neither message was actually said verbally, but both partners are responding as if it was said. 00:13:23.759 --> 00:13:26.639 Again, these are the voices carrying the conflict. 00:13:27.039 --> 00:13:42.480 And when we come back, I'm going to show you how to slow this pattern down, identify what each of you is actually hearing underneath the words, and begin repairing the impact rather than continuing the brawl. 00:13:42.720 --> 00:13:44.799 So let's take a quick pause. 00:13:51.919 --> 00:13:54.080 Hey there, Susan here. 00:13:54.559 --> 00:14:00.960 As you're listening to this, if something's hitting home for you, I'm gonna give you the best place to start. 00:14:01.279 --> 00:14:03.919 I have these first aid kits. 00:14:04.159 --> 00:14:13.840 Now these are free and they're designed to stop the bleeding in moments of conflict, tension, and friction, even if you're on Cloud9 planning your wedding. 00:14:14.000 --> 00:14:23.600 Now, if you are preparing for marriage, the premarital first aid kit will help you navigate those moments and start having the conversations that actually matter. 00:14:23.840 --> 00:14:36.559 If you're already married and things are feeling disconnected, stuck, painful, all of that, the marriage first aid kit will help you stabilize what's happening and start shifting the patterns that just aren't working. 00:14:36.720 --> 00:14:39.279 These are things that will stop the bleeding. 00:14:39.440 --> 00:14:48.320 You're gonna find the right one for you in the show notes, or you can go to www.susanortolano.com and you can download them there. 00:14:48.559 --> 00:14:52.320 Now, let's get back to our episode today, shall we? 00:14:58.879 --> 00:15:02.399 Welcome back to my little horsey voice today. 00:15:02.639 --> 00:15:14.320 Now that we understand how an incident can activate a much deeper impact, let's talk about how to interrupt the pattern and begin repairing what is actually happening between you. 00:15:14.559 --> 00:15:25.919 Because a pattern interrupt, as I like to call it, is a way to slow and even stop the runaway train that is conflict that it has now become. 00:15:26.159 --> 00:15:33.039 Because once you're both highly activated and triggered, you are no longer listening to understand anything. 00:15:33.279 --> 00:15:42.639 You're listening for the next accusation, you're preparing your defense, your response, you're collecting evidence trying to prove your point. 00:15:43.200 --> 00:15:48.240 A pattern interrupt is not avoiding the conversation, not at all. 00:15:48.399 --> 00:15:54.080 It's not walking away indefinitely, it's not pretending the issue doesn't even matter. 00:15:54.320 --> 00:16:04.320 It is simply recognizing that the conversation happening is no longer productive and choosing to stop the escalation before there's more harm. 00:16:04.559 --> 00:16:06.399 It may sound like this. 00:16:06.720 --> 00:16:15.679 Hey, I really care about this and I want to understand what you're saying, but I'm too triggered or I'm too activated to do that productively right now. 00:16:15.919 --> 00:16:21.279 Can we take a pause and come back to this maybe in about 30 minutes? 00:16:21.759 --> 00:16:29.440 Now, the important part about that is that you agree on when you're going to return to talk about it again. 00:16:29.679 --> 00:16:41.759 Otherwise, the person asking for the pause may feel controlled or manipulated while the other experiences the pause as some kind of abandonment or avoidance. 00:16:42.000 --> 00:16:45.759 So you're not abandoning the issue by asking for a pause. 00:16:46.080 --> 00:17:04.079 You are stopping the runaway train of conflict long enough to kind of calm your nervous system, to calm your energy down, to get your bearings so that you can come back, get on the same track, and have a more productive and more conscious conversation. 00:17:04.559 --> 00:17:12.960 Now, learning how to create an effective pattern interrupt takes some awareness, practice, and an agreement between both of you. 00:17:13.200 --> 00:17:22.640 So you have to begin recognizing the signs that the conflict is escalating before that runaway train is completely off the tracks. 00:17:22.880 --> 00:17:25.440 Maybe you notice your voice is getting louder. 00:17:25.680 --> 00:17:31.279 Maybe you notice your chest is tightening or the veins in your neck feel like they're popping out. 00:17:31.519 --> 00:17:36.160 You begin repeating yourself over and over to try to prove your point. 00:17:36.400 --> 00:17:39.920 You may become defensive, sarcastic, critical. 00:17:40.160 --> 00:17:50.559 And maybe you're somebody who just shuts down and you just stop responding or feel such overwhelmed that you need to escape the conversation. 00:17:50.720 --> 00:17:58.559 Now, these are signals that your ability to listen and understand and respond consciously is disappearing in that moment. 00:17:59.119 --> 00:18:11.680 So a pattern interrupt also works best when couples discuss it before they're in the middle of the conflict or before something starts escalating when you guys are in a good space. 00:18:11.920 --> 00:18:26.640 You can agree on what either one of you say if something starts to happen, what the meaning of a pause is so nobody misunderstands it, how long it may last, and when you'll actually return to the conversation. 00:18:26.799 --> 00:18:28.880 Now you cannot control everything. 00:18:29.119 --> 00:18:32.960 Maybe the pause agreement is 30 minutes, maybe it's 45 minutes. 00:18:33.119 --> 00:18:35.039 You guys can decide together. 00:18:35.279 --> 00:18:40.240 And then the important thing is you have to honor that agreement. 00:18:40.480 --> 00:18:47.200 Now it again takes practice because you're learning to recognize and interrupt an automatic pattern. 00:18:47.359 --> 00:18:51.440 And this may be something that has been operating between the two of you for years. 00:18:51.599 -->

00:18:53.359 It's kind of on autopilot. 00:18:53.680 --> 00:19:08.400 And the goal is not necessarily that you have to do it perfectly, it's to catch the pattern sooner, reduce the harm being caused while activated, and create enough space to actually hear what's happening underneath the argument. 00:19:08.640 --> 00:19:11.519 So awareness becomes the first step. 00:19:11.839 --> 00:19:16.240 Initially, that awareness may come after you've already reacted. 00:19:16.480 --> 00:19:19.440 And you're like, oh my God, I heard what just came out of my mouth. 00:19:19.599 --> 00:19:22.640 And you're like, oh crap, I just stepped in it. 00:19:23.039 --> 00:19:27.599 Now with learning and practice, you begin catching yourself while it's happening. 00:19:27.839 --> 00:19:36.160 Imagine you're in the middle of reacting, and something inside of you notices, oops, I'm stepping in it right now. 00:19:36.720 --> 00:19:39.119 And then you can stop yourself. 00:19:39.359 --> 00:19:44.559 And with more practice, you finally catch the reaction before it comes out of your mouth. 00:19:44.799 --> 00:19:51.680 Where it's like you feel it boiling up, and you're like, uh-oh, I'm about to say something, and I'm about to step in it. 00:19:51.920 --> 00:20:08.319 That's when you know you have reached a very conscious level of awareness and you've created enough space between the trigger moment and your reaction to it that has you make a different choice in the words that you're using or the tone. 00:20:08.880 --> 00:20:13.279 Now, I'm gonna give you one of my favorite ways to create a pattern interrupt. 00:20:13.519 --> 00:20:16.079 This is about asking a deeper question. 00:20:16.160 --> 00:20:22.240 And one of my favorites, actually, my favorite question is what is this really about for you? 00:20:22.799 --> 00:20:24.400 I'm gonna say that again. 00:20:24.640 --> 00:20:26.880 What is this really about for you? 00:20:28.000 --> 00:20:30.880 Why is that question so helpful? 00:20:31.359 --> 00:20:39.920 Because it can stop the runaway back and forth, conflict palooza train, and literally change the direction of the conversation. 00:20:40.480 --> 00:20:52.880 So instead of preparing, preparing your next defense or trying to prove your point, you are inviting your partner to look beneath the incident and explore the impact. 00:20:53.680 --> 00:20:55.680 What this is really about for you. 00:20:55.839 --> 00:21:01.599 And exploring the impact is not reacting to it, it's taking a closer look. 00:21:02.319 --> 00:21:04.799 And that's what it's really about for you. 00:21:05.200 --> 00:21:17.839 So maybe it's really not about the dishes, maybe it's about feeling alone with the responsibilities of your shared life, and that your partner isn't doing as much as you'd like him to or her. 00:21:18.400 --> 00:21:22.640 Maybe it really isn't about forgotten tomatoes from the market. 00:21:22.960 --> 00:21:28.079 Maybe it's about wanting to feel heard, be considered, and feel important.

00:21:28.880 --> 00:21:32.559 Maybe it isn't really about the tone of voice used that day. 00:21:32.720 --> 00:21:45.920 Maybe that tone touched an old experience of criticism, of rejection, or not feeling emotionally safe from your past, even as far back, especially far back as your childhood. 00:21:46.480 --> 00:21:52.720 Now, the question creates an opening, it creates a beautiful space for curiosity. 00:21:53.200 --> 00:21:56.160 But how you ask matters. 00:21:56.480 --> 00:21:58.480 What is this really about for you? 00:21:58.720 --> 00:21:59.759 It cannot be delivered. 00:22:00.160 --> 00:22:02.000 Like, what is this really about for you? 00:22:02.240 --> 00:22:10.079 Or some kind of accusation, challenge, or another way of saying, hey, yo, you're overreacting. 00:22:10.319 --> 00:22:18.000 It really has to come from a genuine desire to understand the impact your partner's experiencing that's going on underneath the incident. 00:22:18.319 --> 00:22:21.920 So, what might this look like in your partnership? 00:22:22.240 --> 00:22:28.079 The next time you notice a conflict escalating, begin by slowing yourself down. 00:22:28.640 --> 00:22:31.680 Pay attention to what's going on inside of you. 00:22:32.079 --> 00:22:34.000 Are you becoming defensive? 00:22:34.319 --> 00:22:36.319 Is your voice getting louder? 00:22:36.640 --> 00:22:39.359 Are you repeating yourself to prove a point? 00:22:39.759 --> 00:22:41.440 Are you shutting down? 00:22:41.759 --> 00:22:43.440 Are you pulling away? 00:22:43.759 --> 00:22:48.799 Are you preparing your next response or argument instead of actually listening? 00:22:49.279 --> 00:22:53.279 This is your opportunity to create a pattern interrupt. 00:22:54.079 --> 00:22:56.000 It takes that awareness. 00:22:56.160 --> 00:23:00.240 Now you might say, I don't want this to become another verbal brawl. 00:23:00.480 --> 00:23:02.880 Can we just slow it down for a moment? 00:23:03.440 --> 00:23:05.279 Use your partner's name. 00:23:05.599 --> 00:23:10.880 And if they're if if they're trying to still argue, people love the sound of hearing their name. 00:23:11.119 --> 00:23:14.799 So one of the things you can do is let's just say you're married to Joe. 00:23:14.960 --> 00:23:17.359 Joe, can we just slow down for a minute? 00:23:17.599 --> 00:23:22.079 Joe, Joe, Joe, can we just slow down for a minute? 00:23:22.319 --> 00:23:24.240 That can be really helpful. 00:23:24.480 --> 00:23:32.880 So instead of continuing to argue about the incident, one of you can ask that question, what is this really about for you? 00:23:33.359 --> 00:23:38.880 And the person answering can begin by separating the incident from the impact. 00:23:39.119 --> 00:23:42.559 So imagine you've already talked about this. 00:23:42.799 --> 00:23:47.359 You both understand the difference because you've created an agreement. 00:23:47.680 --> 00:23:55.920 So how you can say it is when this happened, meaning the incident, the impact it had on me was X. 00:23:56.480 --> 00:24:00.400 Something maybe like I felt really small or whatever it was. 00:24:00.960 --> 00:24:07.200 Or what I silently heard underneath or inside of me was X. 00:24:07.519 --> 00:24:14.000 Something like, you know, back when my grades weren't good in elementary school, my mom called me stupid. 00:24:14.240 --> 00:24:18.400 So that's what I was silently hearing underneath. 00:24:18.880 --> 00:24:25.359 Maybe the incident was a forgotten errand, but the impact was, I don't feel important to you. 00:24:25.680 --> 00:24:34.400 Maybe the incident was your partner asking a question, but what you silently heard was, you don't trust me, or nothing I do is good enough. 00:24:34.720 --> 00:24:49.359 This gives your partner full access to what is happening inside of you instead of expecting them to figure it out just from your anger, your defensiveness, your criticism, or even your silence, because we know silence is very loud. 00:24:49.599 --> 00:25:01.119 And if you are the partner listening, your job in that moment is not to correct their interpretation, not to defend your intention, not to prove that they shouldn't feel that way. 00:25:01.440 --> 00:25:04.559 We cannot tell somebody how to feel. 00:25:04.880 --> 00:25:10.000 That is their right to have their feelings. 00:25:10.400 --> 00:25:16.480 And even though they may not be accurate, that may just be how it landed for them. 00:25:16.799 --> 00:25:20.559 Your job is to become curious about their experience. 00:25:20.799 --> 00:25:26.000 You might say something like this: hey, I didn't realize that that was the impact it had on you. 00:25:26.160 --> 00:25:28.319 I'm so sorry that happened for you. 00:25:28.640 --> 00:25:33.920 Or this is not what I intended, but I get why it felt that way. 00:25:34.319 --> 00:25:39.759 Your intention matters, but sadly your intention does not erase the full impact. 00:25:39.920 --> 00:25:41.359 But it does help. 00:25:41.680 --> 00:25:46.559 And it all starts by understanding the real voice inside of you that carries. 00:25:46.799 --> 00:25:52.880 It isn't simply the dishes aren't done, or the tone of your partner's voice hitting one of your trigger buttons. 00:25:53.039 --> 00:26:04.720 It's the inner voice saying, I feel so dumb, I just can't please my spouse, I'm not good enough, I don't matter, or maybe even I just feel so low right now. 00:26:05.440 --> 00:26:08.880 Those are the silent voices that really carry. 00:26:09.279 --> 00:26:16.640 They carry the conflict, they activate your triggers, they drive the reaction that eventually comes out of your mouth. 00:26:16.880 --> 00:26:31.519 Your partner hears the anger, the criticism, the defensiveness, frustration, but what they may not hear is your hurt, your fear, or your crappy belief living underneath it. 00:26:32.079 --> 00:26:53.039 So when you can identify that silent voice and share it with your partner and give them the opportunity to understand what's truly happening inside of you,

that's when the two of you can stop fighting about an incident and begin to repair the real impact at the root. 00:26:53.519 --> 00:26:56.400 What becomes possible when you learn how to do this? 00:26:56.720 --> 00:27:05.200 Peace, harmony, more peace within you, more peace between the two of you and bonding. 00:27:05.839 --> 00:27:08.960 This can really bond you to understand each other. 00:27:09.200 --> 00:27:23.680 And when you're not spending so much time caught in the same runaway train conflicts, you do create more space for bonding, for fun, for connection, for intimacy, for more love, all the good things. 00:27:23.839 --> 00:27:40.319 Not because you never disagree, not because you're gonna never hit a trigger button inside of your partner again, but because you now know how to slow it down, listen beneath the words, and really find your way back to one another. 00:27:40.640 --> 00:27:46.079 This is one of the reasons why I say marriage success is an inside job. 00:27:46.400 --> 00:27:52.799 So for today's reflection, I want you to ask yourself, what voices are being carried inside of me? 00:27:53.119 --> 00:27:59.920 The real ones, the ones you really don't want to say out loud, but you feel so deeply and intensely. 00:28:00.559 --> 00:28:02.799 Is the voice saying I don't matter? 00:28:03.119 --> 00:28:05.200 Is that voice saying I'm not good enough? 00:28:05.440 --> 00:28:14.160 I suck, I can't do anything right, I'm all alone, I don't belong, I'm not safe, or I feel small. 00:28:14.720 --> 00:28:26.079 Your biggest aha from this episode may be recognizing just one of those voices and understanding it that how it's been influencing your reactions for years. 00:28:26.400 --> 00:28:30.960 So within the next 24 hours, I have a dare to share for you. 00:28:31.519 --> 00:28:34.640 Share one of these silent voices with your partner. 00:28:35.519 --> 00:28:37.519 Explain all of this to them. 00:28:37.839 --> 00:28:50.960 You might say, you know, I was looking at how we handle conflict, and I recognize that how I react is from an old trigger, something that impacted me, not the incident itself. 00:28:51.279 --> 00:29:00.240 So then you can explain to them when I hear X or when X happens, what I silently hear inside myself is Z. 00:29:01.279 --> 00:29:04.079 And X and Z are the things you're gonna fill in. 00:29:04.319 --> 00:29:10.240 And by sharing, you're not blaming your partner, you're not asking them to fix that voice. 00:29:10.480 --> 00:29:12.400 Nobody can go in there and fix it. 00:29:12.559 --> 00:29:13.279 Nobody. 00:29:13.440 --> 00:29:17.519 You can't go into your partner's brain and fix that voice. 00:29:17.680 --> 00:29:19.359 They can't come into yours. 00:29:19.519 --> 00:29:23.599 You're just helping them understand the impact beneath your reaction. 00:29:23.839 --> 00:29:29.200 And for a little more lightness, you can choose and create a catchphrase together. 00:29:29.440 --> 00:29:36.799 Something that you guys can use when you're noticing that runaway train beginning to pick up speed and escalating. 00:29:37.039 --> 00:29:40.720 It can be something like, oh my gosh, are we stepping in it right now? 00:29:40.960 --> 00:29:43.599 Or even just call conflictpalooza. 00:29:44.160 --> 00:29:46.720 And then you kind of say, What is this really about? 00:29:46.960 --> 00:29:48.640 Or can we take a pause? 00:29:48.960 --> 00:29:52.880 Let it be something that helps you pause, that helps you soften. 00:29:53.119 --> 00:29:57.839 And remember that the two of you are still on the same team. 00:29:58.160 --> 00:30:07.200 Because when you finally give that silent voice inside you the real words, it no longer has to scream through conflict in order to be heard. 00:30:07.839 --> 00:30:10.400 Your voice carries a story. 00:30:11.359 --> 00:30:20.640 The impact triggered in that moment, and the wounds of moments and incidences long past are the stories. 00:30:21.039 --> 00:30:30.400 But give your partner a chance to hear the real story and give your partner a chance to really know you. 00:30:43.119 --> 00:30:46.400 Think about what we talked about during this episode. 00:30:46.640 --> 00:30:51.680 What is one specific action step you can take in your partnership today? 00:30:52.079 --> 00:31:06.160 And if you want to share what happened when you did, you can email me at Susan at Susanortolano.com, and your action and results may be featured on an upcoming episode using your first name only because I like to keep your privacy. 00:31:06.400 --> 00:31:13.759 Now, if you're ready to go deeper with this work, go to www.susanortolano.com. 00:31:14.000 --> 00:31:16.720 You can check out the services I offer. 00:31:16.880 --> 00:31:20.799 And know that all links and resources are in the show notes. 00:31:20.960 --> 00:31:33.119 And if this episode resonated with you, be sure to follow, share it with somebody you love, and leave a review, hopefully a nice one, as it helps this message reach more couples. 00:31:33.359 --> 00:31:39.839 So I will say until next time, this is Susan Ordolano, intuitive relationship and marriage coach. 00:31:40.000 --> 00:31:42.000 This is Before and Beyond I Do. 00:31:42.240 --> 00:31:44.960 Real talk about marriage at every stage. 00:31:45.200 --> 00:31:49.599 And always remember marriage success is an inside job. 00:31:49.920 --> 00:31:50.799 Bye now.