Full Transcript for The Family Conversation: What Is Really Going On?

catching yourself. The first is that behavior is loud and feelings are quiet. A slammed door, a refusal, a rude tone, a meltdown in the store, those things grab your attention right away. What's driving them, however, usually isn't visible at all. Fear, embarrassment, hunger, exhaustion. Those sit underneath, and kids often can't name them, especially in the moment. So we respond to the part we can see instead of the part that's invisible. Now the second is the stories that we tell ourselves. And I want to slow down on this one because I think it's one of the most important ideas in this entire conversation. Every time our child does something, our brain instantly tells us a story about why. And it happens so fast that we usually don't notice it. Your son doesn't answer when you call him for dinner, for example, and I know I'm guilty of this. Before you've even finished calling, your brain has already decided, he's just ignoring me. Maybe your daughter rolls her eyes and the story is she has no respect for me. Or your little one throws his shoes across the room and the story is he's just doing this on purpose to push my buttons. But here's why this matters: the story is what we react to. The behavior happens, we tell ourselves a story about what it means. That meaning then creates a feeling within us, and that feeling drives our response. So if the story is he's ignoring me, Then I feel disrespected and I go in hot. But if the story is maybe he has his headphones on, I feel a lot calmer and I might knock on his door and check. The tricky part is that the story never feels like a story. It feels like truth. We don't stop and say, well, here's one possible explanation. We just believe it and act on it. And notice that the stories we tell ourselves are usually about intent. For example, he's trying to manipulate me, she's being lazy, they don't care. And sometimes, let's be honest, there's some truth in that. But very often we've assigned that motive before we have any really information. So one of the most useful questions a parent can learn to ask is, what story am I telling myself right now? And you don't need the right answer yet. Just noticing that you're telling yourself a story opens up a little space, and in that space, you can get curious about what else might be true. Now the third is that our own stress changes what we see. So for example, on a calm Saturday morning, you might look at your child's grumpiness and think, man, she's really tired. But on a Tuesday night, when you're behind on everything, that same grumpiness looks like a personal attack. Now our kids didn't change in between Saturday and Tuesday, but our capacity to cope with it did because of all the things we carry on our own plates. And when we're running on empty, we read threat and defiance into things much faster. The fourth is our own history. Now all of us carry what we learned growing up about behavior and what it means. If you grew up in a home, for example, where talking back was the worst thing a kid could do, a sassy answer is gonna hit a little hard. If you grew up in a home where nobody talked about feelings, a child who's melting down over something small might make you feel deeply uncomfortable. And none of that makes you a bad parent. It just means that what you see is shaped by where you've been. And this last one is that kids often hand us the wrong headline. Remember my daughter and she told me the award was stupid. Well, kids say I hate this or I hate you or this is dumb and I don't care or leave me alone a lot. When what they mean is maybe I'm scared, I don't know, I feel stupid, or I need a minute. The words they use usually protect the feeling underneath. So if we take the headline at face value, we're arguing with the headline. And in the solid framework, this is the first principle. See clearly. Before we can respond well, we have to see what's actually in front of us. And that includes seeing our own stress and our own story. Seeing clearly is a skill, and like any skill, it gets easier with practice. Now, what's underneath a behavior shifts as kids grow. So I want to talk through what this can look like at different ages. Now, please hear these as possibilities, not a checklist, because honestly, every child is different, and some kids, especially kids who have been through hard things, May look younger or older than their age and how they handle stress. So ages four to six. And now at this age, a huge amount of behavior is about the body and the basics. A meltdown at the end of the day is often tired or hungry or overstimulated before it's anything else. Little ones also have very few words for big feelings. So the feeling comes out through the body: hitting, flopping on the floor, running away, crying over the wrong cup, for example. And when a four-year-old falls apart because you cut the sandwich the wrong way, the sandwich is rarely the headline. Often it's the last straw on a day that was already too much. Now let's talk about ages seven to eight. Kids in this age are starting to compare themselves to others and notice when something is hard for them. A child who suddenly refuses to read out loud or says they hate soccer after loving it last month might be feeling behind or embarrassed or worried about getting it wrong. They are also very attuned or in tuned to fairness. So a lot of big reactions are about something feeling unfair, even when it might just look like plain stubbornness to us. Our friends in the ages 9 to 12 age group. Now, this is where friendships and belongings start to carry a lot of weight. So a child who comes home and snaps at everyone may have had a hard moment at lunch today that they don't want to talk about. Kids this age also start to care deeply about not looking dumb. So This homework is stupid, can actually mean I don't understand it and I don't want you to know. And they're often still figuring out how to put feelings into words. So attitude can be the

only language they have for frustration. Our teenagers in the 13 to 15-year-old range, well, they're working really hard on independence and identity. And that can look like pulling away or eye rolling or answering every question with fine. Sometimes that really is a healthy need for space. And sometimes underneath a shrug, there's social pressure, something happening online, a friendship falling apart, or a lot of worry about who they are and where they fit. Irritability at this age is very common, and it's worth asking what it's covering. And our older teenagers in the 16 to 18-year-old range, well, they carry real adult-sized pressures. Grades that count, jobs, relationships, driving, decisions about the future. I know I have a senior right now, and I ask him, all the time about different things that he has going on for planning for the future. So when a 17-year-old blows up over being asked to unload the dishwasher, it may actually have very little to do with the dishes. Again, that's not the headline. It might be actually the weight of everything else they're holding, and the dishes were just the thing that tipped it over. Older teens also don't want to be treated like little kids, so how we ask about what is underneath matters a lot. Now it's important to remember that across every age, a few things show up again and again underneath hard behavior. A need that is not being met, like sleep, food, connection, or control. A feeling they don't know what to do with, like fear, shame, or disappointment, or a skill they don't yet have. Now that last one is the one parents miss most often, and it's where we're headed next. So here's the skill I want to give you today, and I call it. Look underneath. And it's really just three questions you ask yourself before you decide how to respond. You don't say them out loud to your child, they're just for you. And with practice, they can take about as long as if one deep breath, to be honest. So think of them as a way to check the story you're telling yourself against what actually is going on. So here's the first question: What happened right before? Now, behavior almost always has a lead-up. So before you respond to what's in front of you, you have to rewind a little. What was going on five minutes ago, or an hour ago, or this morning? Maybe they just got off a screen. Or did they just come home from school or practice or friend's house? Maybe they skipped lunch. Did a sibling just get praised for something? Were they asked to stop something they loved and start something they dreaded? no, those non-preferred tasks. Now with my daughter, what happened right before was that we sat down to pick out her outfit. And that was the moment the ceremony stopped being something on the calendar and became real. And when I looked at the timing, it was a clue. This question is powerful because it pulls you out of what's wrong with my kid and into what's going on in this situation. And it also helps you spot patterns. So

if the meltdowns keep happening right before school or right before bed or every Sunday night, then that tells you something. All right, question two. What might they be feeling or needing? So notice the word might. Now we're making a guess and we're holding it loosely. Are they tired, hungry, overwhelmed, scared, embarrassed, left out? Those are the questions. Maybe they need connection or control or space or help. Goodness, the questions are endless. But it helps us to remember that kids often, again, hand us the wrong headline. So if your child is saying, I don't care, ask yourself what it would mean if they cared a lot. If your child is saying this is stupid, ask yourself what about it might feel scary or hard. And that's exactly where my daughter was. The award was stupid. That headline was protecting, I'm nervous and I don't know what's going to happen. And then question three What skill don't they have yet? And this is the question that changes the most for parents. A lot of what we label as bad behavior is really just a missing skill. So a child who hits, for example, might not have the skill of calming their body yet. A child who melts down at transitions might not have the skill yet of shifting from one thing to the next. A teenager who goes silent might not yet have the skill of saying, I'm upset and I just need a little time. Now, my daughter didn't yet have a way to handle nervousness, and she didn't have the words in her vocabulary to tell me she was nervous. And once I could see that, My job got clearer because it became helping her build those skills and to make the situation a little bit more manageable while she did build those skills. And when you ask what skill don't they have yet, you move from punishing a gap to teaching into it. And that's a much better use of your energy because consequence can actually stop a behavior for a while, but only a skill can replace it. So those are the three questions. What happened right before? What might they be feeling or needing and what skill don't they have yet? Now, we won't always get perfect answers and you won't always have the time or the presence of mind to ask all three in the moment. But even asking one of them will change how you show up. Now I want to come back for just a minute to the worry I mentioned at the beginning because I hear it from parents all the time and I know I've shared the same concern. If I'm always looking for the feeling underneath, aren't I just making an excuse for my kid? Doesn't somebody have to hold the line? Absolutely, yes, somebody does. And that somebody is you. Looking underneath a behavior is about figuring out what you're actually dealing with so your first response fits the problem. It never erases the behavior. So if your child hits their brother because they were overwhelmed, they were still overwhelmed and they still hit their brother. Both things are true. The hitting still needs to be addressed. The brother still needs repair and your child

still needs to learn another way to handle being overwhelmed. But what changes is the order and the tone. So when you see clearly first, you can respond to the feeling and the behavior separately. So you might say something like, You were really frustrated and I get that, but it is still not okay, or and it's still not okay to hit. Let's figure out what you can do next time that feeling shows up. So the limit holds. The child also feels understood, and that makes them far more likely to actually learn from it. And this is what I mean when I say be solid is developmentally informed. It's connection and accountability together. Kids need to feel seen, but they also need limits, consequences, and the chance to make things right. So when we only bring the accountability, kids learn to hide what's going on. When we only bring understanding, kids miss out on learning how to handle hard things responsibly. They need both. It's also worth saying that looking underneath often makes accountability easier. Because when you know a meltdown is coming from fear, you can plan for the fear and the meltdowns happen less. When you know the attitude is covering embarrassment, you can address embarrassment privately, and the attitude often softens on its own. So you end up getting fewer outbursts and having to give fewer consequences because you're solving the real problem earlier. Now, one more thing. Sometimes you'll look underneath and find that your child really was just testing a limit, because it happens. And that's normal too. Kids test limits as part of growing up. Seeing clearly means you can respond to that calmly and consistently without taking it personally. Now, let's walk through what this can look like in real life. And I'm gonna give you an example. This is a made-up family, but I think a lot of you will recognize it. Now imagine a mom, we're gonna call her Sarah, and she's wonderful by the way. And her 11-year-old son Jake. And it's a Thursday afternoon. And Jake walks in the house from school, drops his backpack in the middle of the floor. And when Sarah says, Hey bud, how was your day? He snaps and says, Can you just leave me alone? And slams his bedroom door. Now Sarah's first reaction is completely understandable. She's had a long day too, and she's thinking, That was rude. I did nothing to deserve that. And he does not get to talk to me that way. Her hand is already on the doorknob, and that lecture is already loading. And I know Sarah because I've been there and done that. But let's say Sarah takes one breath and runs through those three questions really quick, looking underneath. What happened right before? Hmm, he just got home from school, he was fine at breakfast, maybe something happened between this morning and now. And she also remembers that Thursdays are the day he has PE, and he's mentioned before that he gets picked last. All right, number two, what might he be feeling or needing from me? Sarah can't know for sure. But her guesses are maybe he's embarrassed, hurt, or left out if it has to do with PE. And right now, what he seems to be asking for in a very rude way is space. Now the third question, what skill doesn't he have yet? He doesn't know yet how to say I had a bad day and I need a few minutes before I talk. He also doesn't have a great way to calm himself down when he's upset, so it comes out as a slam door. And he certainly isn't demonstrating respect when he's frustrated. So now Sarah has a different picture. She still cares about how he spoke to her, and she just knows now that walking in to his room and lecturing him about respect is going to turn into a fight, and she'll never find out what's actually going on underneath. So she gives him a little time, and after about 20 minutes, she knocks and says, Hey, I can tell something's rough going on today. I'm not mad, and you don't have to tell me everything. I'm just here when you're ready. And maybe she brings a snack, because remember. Takes 11. Maybe she just sits on the edge of the bed for a minute. And sometimes, not always, but sometimes that's when it comes out. Well, nobody picked me for their team again, and Tyler laughed at me. Now Sarah can actually help. She can listen. She can let him be upset. And later they can talk about what he might do next time or whether she needs to maybe reach out to the school or the teacher. But here's the accountability part, because it still matters. Later that evening, once things are calm, Sarah says, Hey Bud, I understand you had an awful day, and it's still not okay to slam the door and tell me to leave you alone like that. Next time, maybe you could try saying, I had a bad day and I need some space. And I promise I'll give it to you. Now, Jake, he might apologize, and maybe they practice the words together about how to apologize, but either way, she's teaching him the exact skill he was missing. And not just addressing the headline. Now notice what Sarah didn't have to do. She didn't have to choose between understanding her son and holding a standard. She did both in the right order. And this is how it looks at 11. With a five-year-old, the same three questions might lead you to a snack and a cuddle before anything else. With a 16-year-old, it might mean a car ride where you don't actually have to make contact and you can just let them talk. But the questions say the same. Your response grows with your child. So here's what I'd love for you to try this week. I want you to pick one moment, just one, where your child's behavior catches you off guard. And before you respond, take one breath and ask yourself the three look underneath questions. What happened right before? What might they be feeling or needing? And what skill don't they have yet? And you don't have to get it right. You might guess wrong and that's totally okay. But the point is to get curious Before you get reactive. And if you want to take it one step further, write down what you notice afterward. Maybe start a little journal. And after a few times, you'll probably start to see patterns you've maybe never noticed before. Now, if this conversation was helpful for you, I have a free resource that goes right along with it. And it's called the Two-Minute Solid Reset. And it's available on our website. You can grab it at basolidlearning.com. When you sign up, you'll also get solid ground, my weekly email with one practical family tip that goes with each episode, like this one. Now, next week, we're starting a new month with a question. So many of you have asked me about why are friendships so hard for kids? So if Jake's story hit close to home today, you won't want to miss that one. Thank you for spending time with me today. Go look underneath this week and be patient with yourself while you practice. Stay grounded, keep growing, and be solid. Thanks for spending this time with me on the Be Solid Learning Podcast. Take what was helpful today and put it into practice. But remember, practice means progress, not perfection. And when it doesn't go the way you hoped, give yourself a little grace, learn from it, and try again. Here's to more capable kids, more confident parents, and stronger families. I'll see you next time.