Full Transcript for Daddy issues that ruined our Macho!

instead of saying 00:01:57.439 --> 00:01:59.780 to me, are you okay? He started beating me because 00:01:59.780 --> 00:02:02.599 he was so stressed and he was so tensed that 00:02:02.599 --> 00:02:05.579 he actually beat me because of how nervous he 00:02:05.579 --> 00:02:09.860 was. And that was a, like I said, I went into 00:02:09.860 --> 00:02:13.120 therapy, man. That's how powerful that show is. 00:02:13.419 --> 00:02:15.860 So it's not standup comedy only, it's also therapy. 00:02:16.620 --> 00:02:19.419 Yeah, I like that about him. He takes you back 00:02:19.419 --> 00:02:22.030 in the moment and I think some of those moments 00:02:22.030 --> 00:02:24.990 when it resonates with you deep down, it helps 00:02:24.990 --> 00:02:28.270 you heal internally. So I hope it really helped 00:02:28.270 --> 00:02:32.490 you not only see that scene from the past, but 00:02:32.490 --> 00:02:34.990 also heal a part of you. Everything he talks 00:02:34.990 --> 00:02:38.689 about, I know you and I, I love Zakir. We love 00:02:38.689 --> 00:02:40.389 his sense of humor because I think we relate 00:02:40.389 --> 00:02:43.289 to him. We're all millennials. We relate to his 00:02:43.289 --> 00:02:47.409 sense of comedy. But also the things he talks 00:02:47.409 --> 00:02:50.550 about, we live that. So, a question for you, 00:02:50.750 --> 00:02:54.050 Preet, talking about fathers. What's your fondest 00:02:54.050 --> 00:02:56.710 memory of your dad? The fondest memory that I 00:02:56.710 --> 00:02:59.770 can think of when you ask this question is... 00:02:59.770 --> 00:03:02.169 I can imagine this. We were sitting in a living 00:03:02.169 --> 00:03:05.750 room, me, Raj. Vidhi was not born till that time, 00:03:05.770 --> 00:03:08.789 my brother. And my cousin Puneet was there with 00:03:08.789 --> 00:03:12.650 us. And this is a time where we started playing 00:03:12.650 --> 00:03:17.180 ludo as a family. So almost every weekend we 00:03:17.180 --> 00:03:18.699 would sit down with the Ludo board. It would 00:03:18.699 --> 00:03:22.520 be me and Puneet against Raj and my father and 00:03:22.520 --> 00:03:24.840 that competitiveness because I had never seen 00:03:24.840 --> 00:03:27.939 the play or fun side of my father. He was always 00:03:27.939 --> 00:03:31.199 the authoritarian or yeh kadna hai or when he 00:03:31.199 --> 00:03:33.199 would come in the room usually Sanat Acha jaa 00:03:33.199 --> 00:03:36.340 jata tha, you know, everyone's quiet. You know 00:03:36.340 --> 00:03:38.919 the moment where Zakir Khan says that even though 00:03:38.919 --> 00:03:43.379 he is so old as soon as you know He's back in 00:03:43.379 --> 00:03:46.139 Indore. He's watching TV on the show. When he 00:03:46.139 --> 00:03:47.960 hears his father coming in the scooter on the 00:03:47.960 --> 00:03:50.360 gate, he all of a sudden switches off the TV, 00:03:50.659 --> 00:03:52.599 picks up his book and reads. That's like the 00:03:52.599 --> 00:03:54.740 reality of it, right? When our father would walk 00:03:54.740 --> 00:03:57.539 in, we're like, everyone's quiet, trying to gauge 00:03:57.539 --> 00:04:00.580 how his mood is. And if his mood is good, then 00:04:00.580 --> 00:04:03.259 we can be in a lighter mood. But if he is in 00:04:03.259 --> 00:04:06.840 that Gambhir mood, then everyone stay away. That's 00:04:06.840 --> 00:04:09.199 all. I remember that. How about you? What was 00:04:09.199 --> 00:04:13.810 your fondest memory? Yeah, my dad is in that 00:04:13.810 --> 00:04:16.050 he's alive and he's very happy as he is, but 00:04:16.050 --> 00:04:18.230 back in the day, he was very different. He was 00:04:18.230 --> 00:04:20.689 the life of the party. He was loud. He would 00:04:20.689 --> 00:04:25.110 crack a lot of jokes and he would really lighten 00:04:25.110 --> 00:04:27.350 the mood. And every party that we went to, I 00:04:27.350 --> 00:04:29.769 remember him being the center of attention. And 00:04:29.769 --> 00:04:31.829 really that's my fondest memory with him because 00:04:31.829 --> 00:04:33.790 every party we went to, we would sort of be in 00:04:33.790 --> 00:04:35.629 the center and dad would be cracking jokes and 00:04:35.629 --> 00:04:38.829 dad would be telling anecdotes and picking on 00:04:38.829 --> 00:04:41.709 people. because of that we all had a great time 00:04:41.709 --> 00:04:44.750 that's one fond memory of him the other fond 00:04:44.750 --> 00:04:48.430 memory of him is me and his him and his penchant 00:04:48.430 --> 00:04:52.149 for long drives he loved long drives so at 10 00:04:52.149 --> 00:04:56.110 at night 11 o 'clock on a friday night he took 00:04:56.110 --> 00:04:59.930 me of course my mom and my sister would get into 00:04:59.930 --> 00:05:02.209 a car and we'd drive to this place called shahama 00:05:02.209 --> 00:05:07.779 because we were growing up in dubai So the longest 00:05:07.779 --> 00:05:09.720 drive possible was Shahama and after Shahama 00:05:09.720 --> 00:05:13.120 there was Abu Dhabi. So for him a good family 00:05:13.120 --> 00:05:16.100 bonding time was getting in a car, driving to 00:05:16.100 --> 00:05:18.899 Shahama, talking, listening to songs, buying 00:05:18.899 --> 00:05:21.079 cocktail juices and then coming back all the 00:05:21.079 --> 00:05:23.160 way. Of course, we would then by then sleep, 00:05:23.300 --> 00:05:24.899 pass out in the back of the car on the way home. 00:05:25.360 --> 00:05:27.240 But those are my fondest memories of him, man. 00:05:27.759 --> 00:05:29.420 Yeah, that brings me back. I think there was 00:05:29.420 --> 00:05:31.740 a thing with all Indians at that time, going 00:05:31.740 --> 00:05:34.160 for a drive and going for Falooda. I don't know 00:05:34.160 --> 00:05:35.800 if it was that that's what cocktail drinks you 00:05:35.800 --> 00:05:37.360 guys were drinking where we used to go to a place 00:05:37.360 --> 00:05:40.199 in Sharjah, Anook. And incidentally, all his 00:05:40.199 --> 00:05:42.079 friends would hang

out over there and everyone 00:05:42.079 --> 00:05:44.079 would just order Faloodas. I don't know what 00:05:44.079 --> 00:05:47.779 it was. Yeah, these are not alcoholic cocktails. 00:05:48.040 --> 00:05:50.860 My dad quit drinking when I was born, which is 00:05:50.860 --> 00:05:53.439 in the 80s. But this was like fruit cocktail, 00:05:53.560 --> 00:05:56.560 you know, so there's banana and apple and basically 00:05:56.560 --> 00:05:59.939 just a typical Dubai fruit cocktail. It's thick, 00:06:00.180 --> 00:06:05.319 sugary and... And I wonder why I was so heavy 00:06:05.319 --> 00:06:07.180 when I was younger. It was probably because of 00:06:07.180 --> 00:06:10.060 all the cocktail juices and all the sugar that 00:06:10.060 --> 00:06:12.500 we used to have late at night. All the love that 00:06:12.500 --> 00:06:16.839 he showed you in terms of food. Yeah, and you 00:06:16.839 --> 00:06:18.379 know, that's an interesting thing. That's probably 00:06:18.379 --> 00:06:21.160 another fond memory of my dad. I still credit 00:06:21.160 --> 00:06:24.860 him for that. For us, breakfast, in fact, all 00:06:24.860 --> 00:06:27.639 meals were to be done as a family. It was very 00:06:27.639 --> 00:06:30.899 little exception to that rule. If we eat, then 00:06:30.899 --> 00:06:33.620 we will eat together. So breakfast used to be 00:06:33.620 --> 00:06:35.740 together, lunch used to be together, dinner used 00:06:35.740 --> 00:06:38.120 to be together and there was no TV. It was us 00:06:38.120 --> 00:06:40.259 sitting around the table and you know these are 00:06:40.259 --> 00:06:43.500 very heavy breakfasts, very heavy lunch. Paratha 00:06:43.500 --> 00:06:47.040 is coming and Koki is being made in Sindhi house 00:06:47.040 --> 00:06:50.959 and then two bajis, salad, raita. So it was always 00:06:50.959 --> 00:06:53.730 a very... happy affair for my dad. I think for 00:06:53.730 --> 00:06:56.029 him, bonding with his family was always around 00:06:56.029 --> 00:06:58.290 food and I've taken that from him even today. 00:06:58.850 --> 00:07:02.230 When I want to make sure that I'm spending quality 00:07:02.230 --> 00:07:05.110 time with Shweta and my daughter Prisha, it's 00:07:05.110 --> 00:07:07.709 around food. So that'd be another fond memory 00:07:07.709 --> 00:07:13.149 man, food. Fantastic. There was this one question 00:07:13.149 --> 00:07:17.930 that pops to my mind that, you know, what I find 00:07:17.930 --> 00:07:20.110 interesting about Indian culture as a parent, 00:07:20.329 --> 00:07:24.399 like how fathers are cool outside, but inside 00:07:24.399 --> 00:07:26.560 the house, they're a different persona. I don't 00:07:26.560 --> 00:07:29.740 know. It's just like a flip that's like a switch 00:07:29.740 --> 00:07:32.879 that flips completely. As soon as he enters the 00:07:32.879 --> 00:07:37.360 door, he turns into a father, then a boy or a 00:07:37.360 --> 00:07:40.519 dude. And all of a sudden he has to be strict 00:07:40.519 --> 00:07:43.019 regardless, like not letting the guard down. 00:07:43.459 --> 00:07:45.540 I don't know if this is something that everybody 00:07:45.540 --> 00:07:48.139 experiences or is it specifically to Indian household 00:07:48.139 --> 00:07:52.939 or I'm guessing Asian household. When dad used 00:07:52.939 --> 00:07:55.519 to show up, and like you said earlier, everybody 00:07:55.519 --> 00:07:58.120 would want to gauge dad ka mood kya hai, aaj 00:07:58.120 --> 00:07:59.939 kya mood mein hai, and usually it was a very 00:07:59.939 --> 00:08:02.519 stern mood. And I think as you say that, I'm 00:08:02.519 --> 00:08:06.019 thinking and harking back to my time, I think 00:08:06.019 --> 00:08:10.120 that for fathers in our day and age, it was a 00:08:10.120 --> 00:08:14.600 lot of stress outside and stress inside. and 00:08:14.600 --> 00:08:18.399 stress inside having a wife, having kids, figuring 00:08:18.399 --> 00:08:21.160 how to deal with all of them. I think for them, 00:08:21.399 --> 00:08:24.339 at least for my father, it probably just was 00:08:24.339 --> 00:08:28.379 easy to put on a stern face and deal with things 00:08:28.379 --> 00:08:31.620 as they came. I also think that fathers maybe 00:08:31.620 --> 00:08:33.679 didn't know how to operate any differently. They 00:08:33.679 --> 00:08:35.559 saw their fathers. At least I'm talking about 00:08:35.559 --> 00:08:38.440 my dad. My dad saw his dad probably, and that's 00:08:38.440 --> 00:08:40.899 all they knew. Come home, be strict. put your 00:08:40.899 --> 00:08:43.360 kids to make sure they do homework, put them 00:08:43.360 --> 00:08:47.360 to bed, and then maybe just take a deep breath 00:08:47.360 --> 00:08:50.779 and chill. Is that the same in your house? I 00:08:50.779 --> 00:08:53.500 remember stories from my father's childhood that 00:08:53.500 --> 00:08:57.879 my cousins and all share that when my grandfather 00:08:57.879 --> 00:09:00.980 would enter, all the four brothers would go quiet. 00:09:02.559 --> 00:09:06.070 They don't speak a word among each other. And 00:09:06.070 --> 00:09:08.549 that hierarchy followed even my father, who was 00:09:08.549 --> 00:09:11.169 the youngest among 11 siblings. And his elder 00:09:11.169 --> 00:09:14.909 brother would come inside the shop where my father 00:09:14.909 --> 00:09:17.009 was selling or he was sitting with his friend. 00:09:17.250 --> 00:09:19.970 As soon as he entered, my father would go complete 00:09:19.970 --> 00:09:23.029 numb, quiet. And I think that's what he follows 00:09:23.029 --> 00:09:26.549 and that's his expectation of us or the way he 00:09:26.549 --> 00:09:28.509 wanted to command respect in some way, right? 00:09:29.070 --> 00:09:33.230 But it brings me back to that, to the first part 00:09:33.230 --> 00:09:37.690 where you took you said that it was a troubled 00:09:37.690 --> 00:09:40.509 time when you called your dad and the first thing 00:09:40.509 --> 00:09:44.330 he did was, you know, shout at you,

scold you 00:09:44.330 --> 00:09:47.710 and beat you. And that is something that I brought 00:09:47.710 --> 00:09:50.929 in the initial stage of my parenting with Rishi, 00:09:51.269 --> 00:09:53.409 because that's all I knew, to be strict and everything. 00:09:53.610 --> 00:09:55.190 And when Hetal pulled me aside once and told 00:09:55.190 --> 00:10:00.289 me that this is going to go on... in his mind 00:10:00.289 --> 00:10:03.570 forever. He will never call you in terms of trouble. 00:10:04.210 --> 00:10:07.549 So that's why we switched that. Like Rishi only 00:10:07.549 --> 00:10:11.169 gets scolded if he is disrespectful. He doesn't 00:10:11.169 --> 00:10:16.169 get scolded. Zero shits given for anything that 00:10:16.169 --> 00:10:19.129 he breaks, any mistake he makes. And I keep reminding 00:10:19.129 --> 00:10:20.769 him, and I keep reminding him again and again 00:10:20.769 --> 00:10:24.669 that Rishi, doesn't matter what happens. Anytime 00:10:24.669 --> 00:10:27.230 you're in trouble, anywhere, any given point 00:10:27.230 --> 00:10:30.830 of time, no questions asked, we will come and 00:10:30.830 --> 00:10:33.370 rescue you. Yeah. Nothing. So he doesn't have 00:10:33.370 --> 00:10:35.909 to have any fear. Because I remember whenever 00:10:35.909 --> 00:10:40.049 I used to get trouble, I had a physical fight 00:10:40.049 --> 00:10:42.789 with, you know, a few gangs in Sharjah at that 00:10:42.789 --> 00:10:45.370 time. And I was just too scared to call my dad. 00:10:46.470 --> 00:10:48.950 I was like, I will get beaten up here and there. 00:10:50.809 --> 00:10:53.730 I said, keep your head down and go home quietly. 00:10:54.070 --> 00:10:56.669 So I had got beaten up. I went home. I cried 00:10:56.669 --> 00:10:59.950 and just... kept it quiet. But you know, as you're 00:10:59.950 --> 00:11:02.909 talking, I'm thinking for us, of course, it was 00:11:02.909 --> 00:11:05.350 not a pleasant experience to be, you know, get 00:11:05.350 --> 00:11:07.350 shouted at. I've already fallen into trouble 00:11:07.350 --> 00:11:08.870 and then I'm getting more shouting and I'm getting 00:11:08.870 --> 00:11:11.090 more beatings. But I think for them, it was an 00:11:11.090 --> 00:11:13.610 expression of love. It was so much love. It was 00:11:13.610 --> 00:11:18.970 so much care. So that was the only way they could 00:11:18.970 --> 00:11:22.529 express that love. Right. And you ask the question 00:11:22.529 --> 00:11:26.899 about. What was it like for our fathers? I think 00:11:26.899 --> 00:11:29.320 for them, in my opinion, that was the only way 00:11:29.320 --> 00:11:32.039 they could express love. They knew no other way 00:11:32.039 --> 00:11:34.620 of expressing love. And so that was the first 00:11:34.620 --> 00:11:36.940 thing they did. And maybe that's probably why 00:11:36.940 --> 00:11:41.120 they came home always angry, always strict, always 00:11:41.120 --> 00:11:45.759 stern face, never a light mood. Maybe? Maybe 00:11:45.759 --> 00:11:49.980 that might be a case that men can't be vulnerable 00:11:49.980 --> 00:11:52.789 or they can't show the stress. Oh, certainly. 00:11:53.389 --> 00:11:56.789 100%. 100%. I think that would be a bigger thing. 00:11:56.950 --> 00:12:00.450 I remember when I was going through my anger 00:12:00.450 --> 00:12:02.830 management issues, I would come home and I would, 00:12:03.470 --> 00:12:06.470 like everyone would be in a great mood. And my 00:12:06.470 --> 00:12:08.370 internal voice would be like, it's okay, let 00:12:08.370 --> 00:12:12.230 go, just be chill. But my identity had become 00:12:12.230 --> 00:12:15.850 that angry young man at that point. So I wouldn't 00:12:15.850 --> 00:12:18.789 allow myself to laugh. Like, even if I had some 00:12:18.789 --> 00:12:22.399 fun, I would get even more pissed off. How dare 00:12:22.399 --> 00:12:24.720 you tell me this? Because I'm the man of the 00:12:24.720 --> 00:12:28.120 house. And that time, a lot of time, there would 00:12:28.120 --> 00:12:30.500 be displaced angers and everything, right? So 00:12:30.500 --> 00:12:32.120 I think that's what the identity that they carry 00:12:32.120 --> 00:12:35.360 forward. And I think we became stress busters, 00:12:35.539 --> 00:12:37.779 man. I mean, it's great that you're flipping 00:12:37.779 --> 00:12:40.519 the script into tough love, but I think we were 00:12:40.519 --> 00:12:44.200 the stress busters for them at that time. My 00:12:44.200 --> 00:12:46.919 father didn't work out or he didn't have anywhere 00:12:46.919 --> 00:12:50.379 to... take his stress off and come in or any 00:12:50.379 --> 00:12:53.159 rituals. Yeah, that's a good point. My dad wasn't 00:12:53.159 --> 00:12:55.740 a sportsman either. He wasn't an athlete. I know 00:12:55.740 --> 00:12:59.500 he did a lot of hard work. He worked long hours, 00:12:59.740 --> 00:13:02.259 but didn't look after himself in terms of his 00:13:02.259 --> 00:13:05.519 physical health as much. So probably that's also 00:13:05.519 --> 00:13:08.279 one more reason why all of that would get bent 00:13:08.279 --> 00:13:11.460 up and stay in the system. And something I learned 00:13:11.460 --> 00:13:14.600 in my coaching with Mark, my coach, he talks 00:13:14.600 --> 00:13:18.820 about this idea that the masculine I'm not talking 00:13:18.820 --> 00:13:21.059 necessarily about genders now, but masculine 00:13:21.059 --> 00:13:24.139 is all about logic. It's A to B, B to C, C to 00:13:24.139 --> 00:13:28.299 D. Because the masculine is so heavy in us men, 00:13:28.940 --> 00:13:32.179 I think our fathers were always looked up as 00:13:32.179 --> 00:13:37.879 problem solvers. In my marriage, I've felt this 00:13:37.879 --> 00:13:42.080 for the longest time. I thought I was responsible 00:13:42.080 --> 00:13:44.279 for every problem and for the solution of every 00:13:44.279 --> 00:13:46.690 problem. I had to solve every problem. I've come 00:13:46.690 --> 00:13:49.570 to realize that's not true. But it's

just the 00:13:49.570 --> 00:13:52.009 mindset that they grew up with and then I think 00:13:52.009 --> 00:13:54.590 I grew up with that I have to solve every problem. 00:13:54.610 --> 00:13:56.769 So I suspect my father would spend a lot of time 00:13:56.769 --> 00:13:58.610 just solving problems and he'd get irritated 00:13:58.610 --> 00:14:01.389 and exhausted solving problem after problem, 00:14:01.669 --> 00:14:04.070 not letting that emotionality out, not sharing, 00:14:04.210 --> 00:14:06.070 not being vulnerable like you were saying. And 00:14:06.070 --> 00:14:08.389 that's probably also the reason for why they 00:14:08.389 --> 00:14:12.669 grew up being so strict and so macho and that's 00:14:12.669 --> 00:14:15.340 what they portrayed in our in my house as well. 00:14:15.519 --> 00:14:18.039 That's what he did. Yeah. And on a lighter note, 00:14:18.679 --> 00:14:19.980 I don't think there is any problem with Shraddha. 00:14:20.740 --> 00:14:23.200 The problem will be with you. Definitely, that's 00:14:23.200 --> 00:14:28.460 why you have to solve it. 120%. 120%. It is no 00:14:28.460 --> 00:14:30.179 problem. Even the ending is good. I tell Shraddha, 00:14:30.519 --> 00:14:33.379 I am the problem. I am the problem. There is 00:14:33.379 --> 00:14:34.679 no one else. Someone must be solving it. I am 00:14:34.679 --> 00:14:41.320 solving your problem. Yeah. And parents were... 00:14:41.320 --> 00:14:44.720 Fathers were interesting. I... I've only seen 00:14:44.720 --> 00:14:49.340 my father vulnerable two times in my life. I 00:14:49.340 --> 00:14:53.960 can count it. One, when my grandmother had passed 00:14:53.960 --> 00:14:58.100 away, I had seen him tear down. And second time 00:14:58.100 --> 00:15:02.399 was when we were financially having a lot of 00:15:02.399 --> 00:15:06.600 issues. So we had to be moved to India, me, my 00:15:06.600 --> 00:15:09.899 mom, my brother and my sister. And my father 00:15:09.899 --> 00:15:12.590 came to drop us at the airport. And that time 00:15:12.590 --> 00:15:16.029 he hugged us. And I just expected like a hug 00:15:16.029 --> 00:15:18.190 and you know how kids are. I was in 9th grade, 00:15:18.309 --> 00:15:20.529 I was just like, yeah dad, okay bye. I'm going 00:15:20.529 --> 00:15:22.970 to India. And all of a sudden I could see tears 00:15:22.970 --> 00:15:27.750 in his eyes and I'm like, Oh my God! What happened? 00:15:28.409 --> 00:15:33.110 How is water coming out of the man's eyes? And 00:15:33.110 --> 00:15:37.909 I think, yeah, that was the most heartwarming 00:15:37.909 --> 00:15:41.610 and shocking. side that I'd seen of my father. 00:15:42.850 --> 00:15:44.629 I think that's the facade that we keep, right? 00:15:45.429 --> 00:15:47.789 Yeah, and you know, as you're talking, I'm thinking 00:15:47.789 --> 00:15:50.590 how much of how much of our fathers we carry. 00:15:51.250 --> 00:15:53.269 And it brought a question to my mind, please. 00:15:54.429 --> 00:15:58.049 For you now, as you

are and everything that you've 00:15:58.049 --> 00:15:59.929 learned so far in life, what does it mean to 00:15:59.929 --> 00:16:04.389 you to be a father? I think I'm father in training 00:16:04.389 --> 00:16:07.269 because everything that I had seen my father 00:16:07.269 --> 00:16:11.519 do or act, is sort of, I wouldn't say outdated, 00:16:13.559 --> 00:16:16.940 but doesn't work with the new generation. So, 00:16:17.379 --> 00:16:21.940 I'm trying to be the hybrid version or almost 00:16:21.940 --> 00:16:25.259 like a transition generation of the fatherhood, 00:16:25.799 --> 00:16:28.799 where inside my heart, I'm that desi father, 00:16:29.200 --> 00:16:33.419 who has to slap me or reply that I told you not 00:16:33.419 --> 00:16:36.500 to question me. Even when Rishi asks me some 00:16:36.500 --> 00:16:40.000 questions at times, I feel that he's questioning 00:16:40.000 --> 00:16:42.759 my authority rather than just being curious. 00:16:44.000 --> 00:16:46.460 And the other side is the cool dad who wants 00:16:46.460 --> 00:16:49.320 to hang out with him, who wants to teach him. 00:16:50.259 --> 00:16:53.919 So we're kind of navigating between these two. 00:16:54.120 --> 00:16:57.779 Of course, the boundaries are very strict. There 00:16:57.779 --> 00:17:00.559 will be times where Rishi... I flip the switch 00:17:00.559 --> 00:17:04.019 much faster. My father used to get upset with 00:17:04.019 --> 00:17:06.849 us. and he would get angry or we would get beaten 00:17:06.849 --> 00:17:10.410 up. There was no approaching him. With Rishi, 00:17:11.009 --> 00:17:14.589 I would be strict. Like I would say, Rishi, don't 00:17:14.589 --> 00:17:17.230 do this. And next minute, I could be tucking 00:17:17.230 --> 00:17:20.109 him in bed and kissing him goodbye. So he knows 00:17:20.109 --> 00:17:23.130 that if I am angry or if there is that, it's 00:17:23.130 --> 00:17:25.390 temporary emotion. It's nothing to do with him. 00:17:26.990 --> 00:17:29.650 How about you? How has that changed, you know, 00:17:29.769 --> 00:17:34.200 being a father of a princess? It's completely 00:17:34.200 --> 00:17:36.279 different. Yeah, I was just going to say, you 00:17:36.279 --> 00:17:37.660 know, I think it's different when you're a father 00:17:37.660 --> 00:17:40.279 to a boy and you're a father to a girl. I can 00:17:40.279 --> 00:17:41.559 completely relate to what you're saying because 00:17:41.559 --> 00:17:43.319 that's probably how my father felt because I 00:17:43.319 --> 00:17:45.200 was a really naughty boy growing up and I've 00:17:45.200 --> 00:17:48.680 done some shitty things. But it is very different 00:17:48.680 --> 00:17:51.799 being a father to a daughter. And funny that 00:17:51.799 --> 00:17:54.799 we're talking about this. I used to always think 00:17:54.799 --> 00:17:58.539 that my father loves my sister more. It was always 00:17:58.539 --> 00:18:05.619 a thing in my head. I understood this when I 00:18:05.619 --> 00:18:09.220 had Prisha. And it is just different to being 00:18:09.220 --> 00:18:12.440 a father to a girl and being a dad, a daughter 00:18:12.440 --> 00:18:18.599 dad. There is so much softness in being a father 00:18:18.599 --> 00:18:21.779 to a daughter. There is so much vulnerability 00:18:21.779 --> 00:18:25.259 that I've learned to bring out. And I could also 00:18:25.589 --> 00:18:28.130 And I have had my moments where I'd fight with 00:18:28.130 --> 00:18:30.430 Swata about her bedtime and her food routine 00:18:30.430 --> 00:18:35.509 and her protein intake. But you come to realize, 00:18:36.789 --> 00:18:40.650 when you're being a father to a girl, she requires 00:18:40.650 --> 00:18:46.410 you to be soft yet firm. She needs to know that 00:18:46.410 --> 00:18:48.589 you can take care of her. Or at least in my case, 00:18:48.950 --> 00:18:51.349 I would like for my daughter to know that I can 00:18:51.349 --> 00:18:53.680 take care of her. But at the same time, I don't 00:18:53.680 --> 00:18:56.220 want to be a strict father. I want to be a loving 00:18:56.220 --> 00:18:58.680 father, an emotionally present father, an emotionally 00:18:58.680 --> 00:19:01.160 vulnerable father. Again, something I learned 00:19:01.160 --> 00:19:05.319 in my coaching is anger is not equal to aggression. 00:19:06.000 --> 00:19:09.460 You have all the right to be angry, but you don't 00:19:09.460 --> 00:19:11.359 have the right to be aggressive or you shouldn't 00:19:11.359 --> 00:19:13.279 be aggressive. And I think our fathers could 00:19:13.279 --> 00:19:17.240 never detach the two. I'm learning to understand 00:19:17.240 --> 00:19:18.920 that anger is not equal to aggression, which 00:19:18.920 --> 00:19:21.210 means that if I'm angry, and I've had this with 00:19:21.210 --> 00:19:22.890 her. I've said to her, listen, sweetheart, I'm 00:19:22.890 --> 00:19:25.190 angry at the moment and this is why I'm angry. 00:19:25.230 --> 00:19:27.029 Now she's three, so she's probably not putting 00:19:27.029 --> 00:19:28.950 everything together just yet, but at least the 00:19:28.950 --> 00:19:32.789 foundations are being put to say that I know 00:19:32.789 --> 00:19:35.269 dad's angry. But if dad's angry, it doesn't mean 00:19:35.269 --> 00:19:37.509 that he's getting into bear mode or he's going 00:19:37.509 --> 00:19:39.390 to hit me or he's going to shout at me or he's 00:19:39.390 --> 00:19:41.750 going to get upset. He's angry and he's able 00:19:41.750 --> 00:19:45.849 to express that. And yeah, man, that's what for 00:19:45.849 --> 00:19:50.039 me is my journey as a father so far. I still 00:19:50.039 --> 00:19:53.220 have a lot to learn and do, but that's where 00:19:53.220 --> 00:19:56.420 I'm starting from. I love it. I love it. I have 00:19:56.420 --> 00:19:58.359 this running thing that I keep telling to my 00:19:58.359 --> 00:20:00.799 family because my brother also, like me, has 00:20:00.799 --> 00:20:04.480 a bit of a temper issue. And, you know, I can 00:20:04.480 -->

00:20:06.779 see sometimes in Rishi as well, and I have this 00:20:06.779 --> 00:20:08.680 saying that I keep repeating that all emotions 00:20:08.680 --> 00:20:12.960 are welcome, all behaviors aren't. So you can 00:20:12.960 --> 00:20:15.039 be emotional about something, but you still have 00:20:15.039 --> 00:20:18.279 to be respectable in your behavior. But between 00:20:18.279 --> 00:20:20.619 the two, there's a space. And there's a space 00:20:20.619 --> 00:20:22.180 where you can express your emotions. I don't 00:20:22.180 --> 00:20:26.400 think my dad ever learned to express his emotion. 00:20:26.839 --> 00:20:30.599 And I never saw him tell me, son, this is the 00:20:30.599 --> 00:20:32.140 stress I'm carrying, or this is what I've got 00:20:32.140 --> 00:20:34.579 on my mind. This is why I'm behaving the way 00:20:34.579 --> 00:20:38.339 I'm behaving. But I suspect that in today's generation, 00:20:38.579 --> 00:20:41.519 us as fathers, I would love to have that space. 00:20:41.559 --> 00:20:44.740 I'm trying and working on that with Prisha to... 00:20:44.940 --> 00:20:47.519 to be able to for her to say and I'll ask her 00:20:47.519 --> 00:20:50.380 you know when I can see her switch off she'll 00:20:50.380 --> 00:20:52.059 if she's getting she's playing and she gets upset 00:20:52.059 --> 00:20:54.180 or she loses or she doesn't like something she'll 00:20:54.180 --> 00:20:55.519 switch off and she'll walk away and I'll go and 00:20:55.519 --> 00:20:59.559 ask her are you upset are you angry did something 00:20:59.559 --> 00:21:02.319 you know did something frustrate you my hope 00:21:02.319 --> 00:21:05.279 is that with that those sort of questions she'll 00:21:05.279 --> 00:21:07.380 understand there's room to to express her emotions 00:21:07.380 --> 00:21:09.140 she doesn't have to throw things or get upset 00:21:09.140 --> 00:21:11.220 but she can actually express so I love what you 00:21:11.220 --> 00:21:14.039 said that's a fantastic thing to remember One 00:21:14.039 --> 00:21:17.299 of my biggest goals for Rishi was to be very 00:21:17.299 --> 00:21:19.660 attuned with his emotions. He needs to understand 00:21:19.660 --> 00:21:21.559 if he's feeling angry or not because most of 00:21:21.559 --> 00:21:25.079 the time I realized growing up I couldn't express 00:21:25.079 --> 00:21:28.519 what emotion I was feeling. It was either I'm 00:21:28.519 --> 00:21:30.420 angry or not angry. That's the only thing that 00:21:30.420 --> 00:21:33.269 I kind of realized. Growing up, I probably felt 00:21:33.269 --> 00:21:35.529 the same. I only had two switches, angry and 00:21:35.529 --> 00:21:37.789 not angry. But you learn as you grow up, and 00:21:37.789 --> 00:21:39.769 I've learned as I've grown up now, that there's 00:21:39.769 --> 00:21:42.630 such a wide spectrum of emotions. And if you 00:21:42.630 --> 00:21:46.029 can start to learn to name them, that in itself 00:21:46.029 --> 00:21:50.009 makes us good fathers. And yeah, man, that's 00:21:50.009 --> 00:21:53.289 a great share. There's a wide variety of emotions. 00:21:54.269 --> 00:21:58.369 True. I do. I have a question that I'm thinking 00:21:58.369 --> 00:22:02.599 about, Prith, because you mentioned your experience 00:22:02.599 --> 00:22:05.880 with Rishi and I know because we've been friends 00:22:05.880 --> 00:22:08.119 for so long that both Hetal and you are great 00:22:08.119 --> 00:22:11.839 parents. And I know you guys take a lot of care 00:22:11.839 --> 00:22:14.299 and you guys have so many different conversations 00:22:14.299 --> 00:22:17.500 about what it means to be parents. But let's 00:22:17.500 --> 00:22:20.980 flip the conversation and maybe ask you to share 00:22:20.980 --> 00:22:24.299 the big vision. What is it that you'd want your 00:22:24.299 --> 00:22:28.779 kids to remember about their childhood? For Hetal, 00:22:28.960 --> 00:22:33.119 it was she wants him to look back and realize 00:22:33.119 --> 00:22:36.440 that life with mom was one big adventure, like 00:22:36.440 --> 00:22:39.940 full of variety and full of experiences. For 00:22:39.940 --> 00:22:45.200 me, I wouldn't want him to feel the consistency 00:22:45.200 --> 00:22:50.480 and the security. I think him to remember, like 00:22:50.480 --> 00:22:55.039 a lot of times where she's a little bit reluctant 00:22:55.039 --> 00:22:59.390 to take any risk or he has that fear. I remind 00:22:59.390 --> 00:23:02.190 him that I'm here. And that's something that 00:23:02.190 --> 00:23:07.569 I do. With that said, we do a lot of playtime 00:23:07.569 --> 00:23:12.910 together, storytelling, rituals. I feel for me, 00:23:12.970 --> 00:23:17.529 there's more of consistent rituals of growth, 00:23:17.930 --> 00:23:19.710 personal growth. That's the journey that I want 00:23:19.710 --> 00:23:21.849 him to remember with me. As you were talking, 00:23:21.930 --> 00:23:23.750 I was thinking, what do I want Prisha to remember 00:23:23.750 --> 00:23:26.730 growing up with me? What do I want her fondest 00:23:26.730 --> 00:23:30.250 memory to be? Man, I was saying earlier, Preet, 00:23:30.549 --> 00:23:35.130 to be a father to a girl, I have this responsibility 00:23:35.130 --> 00:23:37.690 of being the first man in our life. And I want 00:23:37.690 --> 00:23:41.910 to set the bar so high in every sense because 00:23:41.910 --> 00:23:44.630 when she goes out into the world, I want her 00:23:44.630 --> 00:23:48.769 to find the strongest man, the best man, not 00:23:48.769 --> 00:23:50.950 just from a financial perspective, not from a 00:23:50.950 --> 00:23:52.950 physical strength perspective, but from an emotional 00:23:52.950 --> 00:23:56.779 perspective. I want her to understand what it 00:23:56.779 --> 00:23:59.339 means for a man to be vulnerable, what it means 00:23:59.339 --> 00:24:03.180 for a man to be real. When I saw my parents and 00:24:03.180 --> 00:24:06.000 I see myself with my wife, for the first, we've 00:24:06.000 --> 00:24:07.920 been

married 19 years, for the first 15 years, 00:24:08.039 --> 00:24:10.079 I didn't know what it meant to hold space for 00:24:10.079 --> 00:24:13.240 my wife's emotions. It would always make me so 00:24:13.240 --> 00:24:16.420 upset to see her upset. And I've come to realize 00:24:16.420 --> 00:24:19.339 that her emotions are her emotions. my emotions 00:24:19.339 --> 00:24:21.039 are mine and there is a lot of space in between. 00:24:21.680 --> 00:24:23.880 And so, I want her to know, I want Prisha to 00:24:23.880 --> 00:24:25.980 know that there is such a thing where a man can 00:24:25.980 --> 00:24:30.599 hold space and can hold that emotional safety 00:24:30.599 --> 00:24:34.460 net. So, yeah, I want her to remember that. Of 00:24:34.460 --> 00:24:37.279 course, I want her to remember the playtime and 00:24:37.279 --> 00:24:40.579 the experiences, but for a girl going out into 00:24:40.579 --> 00:24:44.859 the world, I want her to have that strength that 00:24:44.859 --> 00:24:49.200 she doesn't. She doesn't need to have a man that's 00:24:49.200 --> 00:24:52.119 emotionally weak, you know. I've heard about 00:24:52.119 --> 00:24:54.220 you and my story is similar. Like when we get 00:24:54.220 --> 00:24:58.920 married, we are like that strict men, don't be 00:24:58.920 --> 00:25:00.819 emotional, don't talk about emotions. And all 00:25:00.819 --> 00:25:02.740 of a sudden you're married to a girl who is vulnerable 00:25:02.740 --> 00:25:05.440 and comfortable sharing emotions. Like I didn't 00:25:05.440 --> 00:25:07.460 even know half the time how to deal with it. 00:25:08.319 --> 00:25:11.220 Like when Aital laughed at something, she would 00:25:11.220 --> 00:25:15.099 start crying. Or if someone got upset, then... 00:25:15.049 --> 00:25:17.490 Like she wanted me to hold the space and I didn't 00:25:17.490 --> 00:25:18.849 understand. I either have a problem or I don't 00:25:18.849 --> 00:25:21.069 have a problem. These were the two things I understood. 00:25:22.410 --> 00:25:26.369 There was no idea of holding space. And I'm glad 00:25:26.369 --> 00:25:29.390 that, you know, I think whatever happens, happens 00:25:29.390 --> 00:25:32.849 at the right time. I feel when I had Rishi, there 00:25:32.849 --> 00:25:35.170 was a huge change in my life that I went through. 00:25:36.190 --> 00:25:38.210 I wished I could have gone through that change 00:25:38.210 --> 00:25:40.569 earlier before him. It took me a few years after 00:25:40.569 --> 00:25:42.829 him to go through that change. But I'm glad. 00:25:43.740 --> 00:25:47.140 Prisha is meeting this version of her father 00:25:47.140 --> 00:25:51.480 than the one maybe 15 years back, who might have 00:25:51.480 --> 00:25:55.599 not been that in tune with his emotions or expressive 00:25:55.599 --> 00:25:57.779 as you are right now. There's a story between 00:25:57.779 --> 00:25:59.720 Swetha and I. It's now, of course, become a joke. 00:26:00.619 --> 00:26:06.180 She had moved to Toronto. And so,

of course, 00:26:06.259 --> 00:26:08.279 as it happened, when you're cleaning stuff, things 00:26:08.279 --> 00:26:13.640 break. The soap dispenser in the bathroom broke. 00:26:14.720 --> 00:26:17.819 And Diren, being the younger version of Diren, 00:26:18.339 --> 00:26:20.319 flew off the handle, got upset, started asking 00:26:20.319 --> 00:26:22.880 her questions. How did this happen? Why did it 00:26:22.880 --> 00:26:24.440 happen? Why is it so expensive? Because I used 00:26:24.440 --> 00:26:25.880 to live in Toronto alone. I lived in Toronto 00:26:25.880 --> 00:26:31.299 for about 10 years before she came into our house. 00:26:31.859 --> 00:26:34.440 And of course, that became a scene. We had a 00:26:34.440 --> 00:26:37.500 fight. And we forgot about it after a couple 00:26:37.500 --> 00:26:40.569 of weeks. After a couple of months, Of course, 00:26:40.630 --> 00:26:42.450 we had gone and replaced that soap dispenser. 00:26:42.450 --> 00:26:46.170 It broke again. And this time my anger had scarred 00:26:46.170 --> 00:26:48.789 her so much that she actually left the house. 00:26:48.970 --> 00:26:51.349 She went to a coffee shop and she calls me from 00:26:51.349 --> 00:26:53.150 the coffee shop. She's like, listen therein, 00:26:53.269 --> 00:26:55.490 I know you're going to get upset. I know you're 00:26:55.490 --> 00:26:57.329 going to get really, really mad. I want you to 00:26:57.329 --> 00:27:00.210 know I'm not at home. I'm outside. And the reason 00:27:00.210 --> 00:27:01.809 I'm doing this is because I've broken that soap 00:27:01.809 --> 00:27:03.849 dispenser and I'm laughing and I'm saying this, 00:27:03.950 --> 00:27:07.349 but I regret that behavior of mine. I really 00:27:07.349 --> 00:27:11.519 do. It wasn't about the soap dispenser. It has 00:27:11.519 --> 00:27:16.460 never been. But it was the inability to share 00:27:16.460 --> 00:27:19.400 what I felt in that moment, whether it was lack 00:27:19.400 --> 00:27:23.680 of control, whether it was whatever that feeling 00:27:23.680 --> 00:27:26.380 may be. It was that that needed to be expressed, 00:27:26.799 --> 00:27:30.200 but I never did that. But it was a funny story, 00:27:30.740 --> 00:27:34.720 sad, funny story to share. I have a similar story 00:27:34.720 --> 00:27:36.940 with, I mean, I have multiple stories with Hetal, 00:27:37.119 --> 00:27:39.710 but... One story with Rishi specifically that 00:27:39.710 --> 00:27:41.890 we were talking and I had a spoon in my hand 00:27:41.890 --> 00:27:44.569 and we were at the dinner table and he did something 00:27:44.569 --> 00:27:52.069 and I hit the spoon and the plate broke. Intention 00:27:52.069 --> 00:27:56.130 was never anger but he still remembers it. He 00:27:56.130 --> 00:27:56.950 still gets scared thinking about that incident. 00:27:59.529 --> 00:28:03.109 Luckily, Hetal told me about it and asked me 00:28:03.109 --> 00:28:04.390 some questions and we went through it and I was 00:28:04.390 --> 00:28:06.869 like, it's nothing to do with him. I went that 00:28:06.869 --> 00:28:10.690 night and put my hand on his chest and I told 00:28:10.690 --> 00:28:13.750 him, Rishi, listen, Rishi, earlier what happened 00:28:13.750 --> 00:28:15.710 at dinner table was nothing to do with you. It 00:28:15.710 --> 00:28:18.730 was just displaced anger from work. How old was 00:28:18.730 --> 00:28:20.890 he when you had this conversation with him? Probably 00:28:20.890 --> 00:28:23.369 five year old. Five year old. I remember in the 00:28:23.369 --> 00:28:27.390 garden's house. And he looks at me and he just 00:28:27.390 --> 00:28:29.049 started tearing and he said, thank you, Papa, 00:28:29.069 --> 00:28:31.470 for letting me know this. Wow. And I'm sorry 00:28:31.470 --> 00:28:33.710 you had to go through this and this thing. And 00:28:33.710 --> 00:28:38.470 since then, That has been my benchmark of what 00:28:38.470 --> 00:28:42.150 not to do. Like I don't want him to reach that 00:28:42.150 --> 00:28:43.730 stage ever like we talked about, right? Where 00:28:43.730 --> 00:28:46.190 they can't approach us when something breaks 00:28:46.190 --> 00:28:48.569 or something terrible or troublesome happens. 00:28:49.069 --> 00:28:52.609 I think my dad had a lot of displaced anger and 00:28:52.609 --> 00:28:55.509 he never got to share it. He never got to talk 00:28:55.509 --> 00:28:57.450 about it. I don't know if he had the opportunity, 00:28:57.710 --> 00:29:00.390 he had the spaces, but I know Preeti and I, we're 00:29:00.390 --> 00:29:03.369 so particular about sharing these experiences. 00:29:03.900 --> 00:29:06.700 because these aren't necessarily failures, they're 00:29:06.700 --> 00:29:09.140 life experiences. And I don't know how many other 00:29:09.140 --> 00:29:12.160 men that we know and our friends of all that 00:29:12.160 --> 00:29:14.220 may be listening to this podcast that probably 00:29:14.220 --> 00:29:18.039 have a similar story arc, but it's a message 00:29:18.039 --> 00:29:21.359 to share that it's okay. We've all been through 00:29:21.359 --> 00:29:22.759 it. We're all gone through it. We're all learning. 00:29:22.900 --> 00:29:24.700 We've got this figured out, right? And this is 00:29:24.700 --> 00:29:26.859 why we're doing this, to share these vulnerable 00:29:26.859 --> 00:29:31.160 moments and make it very clear that being a father 00:29:31.160 --> 00:29:36.440 in a South Asian household, is not as funny as 00:29:36.440 --> 00:29:38.980 Zakar makes it. It's also shitty. It's also very 00:29:38.980 --> 00:29:43.299 emotional. So, yeah, man. I have this one question 00:29:43.299 --> 00:29:45.799 that I keep asking and, you know, it's an interesting 00:29:45.799 --> 00:29:49.660 side of me or an intriguing side of me that I 00:29:49.660 --> 00:29:52.559 want to see how the future plays out. Like, as 00:29:52.559 --> 00:29:54.720 a parent that you're parenting, how would Prusha 00:29:54.720 --> 00:29:57.339 turn out to be, you know, 20 years, 30 years

00:29:57.339 --> 00:30:00.079 down the line? All the kids like Rishi was born 00:30:00.079 --> 00:30:03.609 and all the friends had kids together. And everyone 00:30:03.609 --> 00:30:05.549 has different parenting style, right? So what 00:30:05.549 --> 00:30:08.369 is one aspiration or few aspirations as a parent 00:30:08.369 --> 00:30:12.609 that you have that he takes from you or she takes 00:30:12.609 --> 00:30:15.970 from you and few aspirations or how as a person 00:30:15.970 --> 00:30:18.450 she would become 20 years down the line? What 00:30:18.450 --> 00:30:21.670 qualities do you think? Of course, I want her 00:30:21.670 --> 00:30:25.809 to be emotionally vulnerable, strong and vulnerable 00:30:25.809 --> 00:30:28.210 to know that there is enough and more room for 00:30:28.210 --> 00:30:34.019 emotions. I also want her to be confident. I 00:30:34.019 --> 00:30:38.839 want her to be not scared, not scared of the 00:30:38.839 --> 00:30:44.240 world. I think talking about the flip side of 00:30:44.240 --> 00:30:46.880 things, we're talking about women in South Asian 00:30:46.880 --> 00:30:52.059 culture. I've seen so many examples where women 00:30:52.059 --> 00:30:55.099 are not allowed to do things, or girls are not 00:30:55.099 --> 00:30:57.039 allowed to go out late at night, or girls are 00:30:57.039 --> 00:30:59.420 not allowed to ride a motorcycle, or they're 00:30:59.420 --> 00:31:04.170 not allowed to go to university abroad. And that 00:31:04.170 --> 00:31:07.470 is not how I want to raise pressure. I want her 00:31:07.470 --> 00:31:09.910 to have all of these experiences. Because the 00:31:09.910 --> 00:31:12.150 only thing I've come to learn, I know this question 00:31:12.150 --> 00:31:14.769 was about her future, but I just want to take 00:31:14.769 --> 00:31:17.009 a step back and say, man, that something else 00:31:17.009 --> 00:31:20.450 that I've learned. As parents, we don't control 00:31:20.450 --> 00:31:24.009 them. We don't own them. We're just their guides. 00:31:24.390 --> 00:31:26.589 Our role here is to facilitate their journey 00:31:26.589 --> 00:31:29.569 and their time with us. They have their own life. 00:31:29.609 --> 00:31:31.529 They'll make their own mistakes. they'll make 00:31:31.529 --> 00:31:34.470 their own better decisions, bad decisions, and 00:31:34.470 --> 00:31:37.809 it'll be hers to make. But I want her to be able 00:31:37.809 --> 00:31:40.170 to own those decisions, not shy away from them, 00:31:40.170 --> 00:31:43.569 not regret them. Whatever she makes, she makes 00:31:43.569 --> 00:31:45.950 on her own. Can I help her? Of course, I will 00:31:45.950 --> 00:31:49.210 help her. But to be able to do that, she has 00:31:49.210 --> 00:31:52.490 to be absolutely and certainly confident in herself. 00:31:52.890 --> 00:31:55.349 She needs to trust that she can't make a wrong 00:31:55.349 --> 00:31:59.750 decision. That's the aspiration I have for Prisha. 00:32:00.730 --> 00:32:04.130 How about you? What's the aspiration for Rishi? 00:32:04.930 --> 00:32:07.789 Yeah, something that I think I lack, not lack, 00:32:07.809 --> 00:32:10.950 but I think I'm working on myself. You know, 00:32:11.009 --> 00:32:13.329 the question I had asked you some time back, 00:32:13.470 --> 00:32:15.069 like, are you your biggest fan? And you were 00:32:15.069 --> 00:32:18.349 like, yes, immediately. Depends on the day, but 00:32:18.349 --> 00:32:21.130 yeah. Depends on the day, yeah. I want Rishi 00:32:21.130 --> 00:32:25.650 to be his own biggest fan, like absolutely comfortable 00:32:25.650 --> 00:32:30.680 in his own skin. live wholeheartedly, be always 00:32:30.680 --> 00:32:34.980 grateful, financially be educated enough to know 00:32:34.980 --> 00:32:38.920 where to invest, you know, and be able to understand 00:32:38.920 --> 00:32:43.059 the rat race and have a sense of belonging. I 00:32:43.059 --> 00:32:46.680 think if he does that, you know, I tell this 00:32:46.680 --> 00:32:48.799 to Rishi a lot of time that what my limitation 00:32:48.799 --> 00:32:51.880 is, is going to be his platform, like where, 00:32:52.799 --> 00:32:54.779 what my ceiling is, is going to be his platform 00:32:54.779 --> 00:32:56.759 to grow, right? So you can jump from there for, 00:32:57.039 --> 00:32:59.420 As earlier, like you've mentioned, right, I thought 00:32:59.420 --> 00:33:01.119 as a parent, I need to provide everything to 00:33:01.119 --> 00:33:05.519 him. But now it's switched to I just need to 00:33:05.519 --> 00:33:09.500 give him a platform in a free country. Well rounded 00:33:09.500 --> 00:33:12.779 parenting and lots of love and understanding 00:33:12.779 --> 00:33:16.799 that he will always belong. Right. And he will 00:33:16.799 --> 00:33:19.680 always be loved. Like love doesn't have to be 00:33:19.680 --> 00:33:22.680 earned. It's something that is default because 00:33:22.680 --> 00:33:26.420 he's just there as a human. I grew up. with this 00:33:26.420 --> 00:33:28.720 one condition that it had to be earned. Good 00:33:28.720 --> 00:33:34.480 student, good grades, good at something. I love 00:33:34.480 --> 00:33:36.359 that line, man. Love doesn't have to be earned. 00:33:37.200 --> 00:33:40.920 I've been reading this book by Morgan Housel. 00:33:41.160 --> 00:33:44.480 It's called Same As Ever. Very interesting book 00:33:44.480 --> 00:33:47.940 and it kind of brings me to my next question. 00:33:49.349 --> 00:33:52.750 What do you think will remain the same as a father? 00:33:53.130 --> 00:33:54.750 Like what qualities will remain the same that 00:33:54.750 --> 00:33:56.849 you've seen in your father, which you are following, 00:33:57.650 --> 00:34:00.609 and which might not change, like as the whole 00:34:00.609 --> 00:34:02.990 styling of parenting changes? If you were to 00:34:02.990 --> 00:34:05.829 ask me what is it that I want to remain constant 00:34:05.829 --> 00:34:09.670 as a parent, it's my ability to show up for Prasha, 00:34:10.110 -->

00:34:13.090 whatever the matter is. If it's 2 AM in the morning 00:34:13.090 --> 00:34:16.570 and she's crying as a child wanting milk, Whereas 00:34:16.570 --> 00:34:19.570 when she's 13, 14, 16, 18, out at a party and 00:34:19.570 --> 00:34:21.329 she's had an accident at two in the morning, 00:34:21.369 --> 00:34:23.889 I want to be the one that shows up. I think that 00:34:23.889 --> 00:34:27.530 I want to be the one thing that is constant. 00:34:27.909 --> 00:34:29.369 You were saying this earlier, right? Like love 00:34:29.369 --> 00:34:31.510 doesn't have to be earned. She needs to know 00:34:31.510 --> 00:34:37.110 that this is absolutely 100 % unconditional safety 00:34:37.110 --> 00:34:39.570 guaranteed. I want to put like a money back guarantee 00:34:39.570 --> 00:34:42.170 on it. That's the one thing that I want to remain 00:34:42.170 --> 00:34:45.750 constant. That's fantastic, fantastic. What do 00:34:45.750 --> 00:34:48.190 you think will remain for you as same as a father 00:34:48.190 --> 00:34:51.170 now and then later? I for me from Zakir Khan 00:34:51.170 --> 00:34:55.469 coming back to his thing. He's like When he's 00:34:55.469 --> 00:34:57.949 going he's in trouble or something. He has some 00:34:57.949 --> 00:35:01.409 issues with his work and his dad gets on the 00:35:01.409 --> 00:35:08.010 train and He says that thing is going to be constant 00:35:08.010 --> 00:35:10.349 for generations, right? That's not going to change 00:35:11.289 --> 00:35:13.690 having a father like right now the question comes 00:35:13.690 --> 00:35:16.050 up a lot of times like how would life be different 00:35:16.050 --> 00:35:21.090 if my father was still alive for me? It would 00:35:21.090 --> 00:35:22.550 be that your father is sitting there with sheer 00:35:22.550 --> 00:35:25.409 confidence, right? No matter what condition he 00:35:25.409 --> 00:35:28.309 is in and somebody who is going to give you unfiltered 00:35:28.309 --> 00:35:31.809 answer. Like mom is very much emotional answer, 00:35:31.849 --> 00:35:34.889 right? But dad also knows how to cut through 00:35:34.889 --> 00:35:38.210 the noise and give you without bullshit and you 00:35:38.210 --> 00:35:42.789 will you know that this guy means well. in whatever 00:35:42.789 --> 00:35:46.449 condition it is. It reminds me of a story. So 00:35:46.449 --> 00:35:49.010 I was living in Canada and my parents had come 00:35:49.010 --> 00:35:50.730 to visit me. And whenever they'd come visit, 00:35:50.750 --> 00:35:54.210 I'd rent a car. And once the car broke down, 00:35:54.369 --> 00:35:59.449 we went around. And somehow, the side mirror 00:35:59.449 --> 00:36:02.369 broke. I think I touched the lamppost and the 00:36:02.369 --> 00:36:05.070 car broke down while reversing. The lamppost 00:36:05.070 --> 00:36:07.849 fell down. It broke and fell down. And I was 00:36:07.849 --> 00:36:11.630 shocked because it was a rental car. I'm probably 00:36:11.630 --> 00:36:15.650 18, 19. I'm thinking of

all the possible things 00:36:15.650 --> 00:36:17.449 that I have to explain to the rental company. 00:36:17.789 --> 00:36:19.510 How did it break? How expensive will insurance 00:36:19.510 --> 00:36:21.369 be? Because in North America, for those that 00:36:21.369 --> 00:36:23.469 don't know, if you've but had one accident, your 00:36:23.469 --> 00:36:25.789 premium goes up for life. So I'm thinking, shit, 00:36:26.030 --> 00:36:27.809 how will that happen? And I looked at my dad 00:36:27.809 --> 00:36:29.269 and said, Dad, this happened, this happened, 00:36:29.269 --> 00:36:31.730 this happened, this happened. Dad said, Dad, 00:36:31.849 --> 00:36:34.949 I'm here. You'll figure it out. And he was so 00:36:34.949 --> 00:36:38.289 calm. And I remember now that he's always been, 00:36:38.469 --> 00:36:40.550 especially after I grew up, after a certain age. 00:36:40.710 --> 00:36:42.230 Especially when after I moved to university, 00:36:42.389 --> 00:36:44.110 every time I called him with a problem. I am 00:36:44.110 --> 00:36:47.130 there, we'll figure it out. And sure enough, 00:36:47.849 --> 00:36:51.449 we figured out a way to put that mirror back. 00:36:51.769 --> 00:36:54.349 Such that the rental guy would never know that 00:36:54.349 --> 00:36:57.190 that mirror was broken. This is so good, man. 00:36:57.550 --> 00:37:00.489 It's just magic in knowing that. I feel, Zakir 00:37:00.489 --> 00:37:02.929 says that there is a quota of humiliation and 00:37:02.929 --> 00:37:07.090 slaps. I feel once you pass that quota, that 00:37:07.090 --> 00:37:09.530 dad, you earn that right of respect with your 00:37:09.530 --> 00:37:12.929 dad where he becomes, okay, let's go, I'll handle 00:37:12.929 --> 00:37:16.510 it after this. You have to get through that quota 00:37:16.510 --> 00:37:18.789 faster than anybody else. I think that flip, 00:37:19.070 --> 00:37:20.989 right? Like for Hetal, for example, as a girl 00:37:20.989 --> 00:37:24.150 also, she has more respect in her household or 00:37:24.150 --> 00:37:26.170 more say right now after she got married. Like 00:37:26.170 --> 00:37:28.289 there was this flip where mom, her mom and dad 00:37:28.289 --> 00:37:30.429 listened to her till that time it was just a 00:37:30.429 --> 00:37:32.300 kid. So I think for a man also, I think there 00:37:32.300 --> 00:37:34.119 is a right to passage. After some point, you're 00:37:34.119 --> 00:37:37.300 like, this is equal, we have to listen to it 00:37:37.300 --> 00:37:40.199 and take care of it. Yeah, I remember that moment 00:37:40.199 --> 00:37:43.900 very clearly. I remember that moment. I was dating 00:37:43.900 --> 00:37:47.320 Swetha back then and I got caught. This is late 00:37:47.320 --> 00:37:50.239 at night. I got caught. I was on the computer 00:37:50.239 --> 00:37:52.619 chatting. We had ICQ back then. I was chatting 00:37:52.619 --> 00:37:55.460 on ICQ and he walks into my room. And we had 00:37:55.460 --> 00:37:57.119 a new internet in our house. It

must have been 00:37:57.119 --> 00:38:01.090 two or three years with the internet. Yeah, and 00:38:01.090 --> 00:38:04.710 he caught me. And he started to get upset. And 00:38:04.710 --> 00:38:07.570 I also started to get upset for the first time. 00:38:07.829 --> 00:38:09.070 And I know that I was going to get beaten up. 00:38:09.570 --> 00:38:11.710 So, usually when you get beaten up, what would 00:38:11.710 --> 00:38:14.150 you do? You would run or you would take the beating. 00:38:14.309 --> 00:38:17.050 But this time, what happened was, I put my hand 00:38:17.050 --> 00:38:20.909 up. So, I stopped him and I pushed him back. 00:38:21.369 --> 00:38:24.050 And I think that was the moment when it flipped 00:38:24.050 --> 00:38:28.730 for him. Yeah. That's it. After this, I cannot... 00:38:28.909 --> 00:38:34.610 I cannot do this. So there was an interesting 00:38:34.610 --> 00:38:36.829 moment that you took me back to that flip. I 00:38:36.829 --> 00:38:39.650 never had that moment with my father. I never 00:38:39.650 --> 00:38:41.869 got scared. But with Raj, I had that moment. 00:38:42.349 --> 00:38:44.789 That Raj and I used to beat each other a lot. 00:38:44.949 --> 00:38:46.570 And I used to be the stronger one. But there 00:38:46.570 --> 00:38:48.230 was this one time in the 12th grade where he 00:38:48.230 --> 00:38:50.989 became equally strong. Where I'm like, brother, 00:38:51.130 --> 00:38:52.949 we have to chill now. We don't have to beat him 00:38:52.949 --> 00:38:56.250 now. Stay away now. We can't beat him now. We 00:38:56.250 --> 00:38:58.699 can't beat him now. It'd be really interesting 00:38:58.699 --> 00:39:00.519 to hear this from you, Preet. I know you said 00:39:00.519 --> 00:39:03.500 your dad passed away very young and you're the 00:39:03.500 --> 00:39:08.519 oldest in the family. I'm curious to ask, did 00:39:08.519 --> 00:39:10.380 you ever feel that you took on the father role 00:39:10.380 --> 00:39:14.079 after your father passed away? And what was that 00:39:14.079 --> 00:39:18.760 like? I started almost modeling my father a lot. 00:39:19.780 --> 00:39:26.420 Anger, strictness. I think that was my way of 00:39:26.420 --> 00:39:29.739 showing love for my brother. Raj was one of the 00:39:29.739 --> 00:39:33.840 most shaitani like when we had gone to Bali a 00:39:33.840 --> 00:39:35.460 night we went out clubbing and everything and 00:39:35.460 --> 00:39:37.119 everyone came back home next day in the morning 00:39:37.119 --> 00:39:39.420 like seven eight o 'clock for some reason. I 00:39:39.420 --> 00:39:42.679 get up very early and I go and do a head count. 00:39:42.920 --> 00:39:47.360 I don't know I have this habit. I go to the next 00:39:47.360 --> 00:39:49.900 room Vidhi was there and Raj was missing. I'm 00:39:49.900 --> 00:39:52.539 like where is Raj? Vidhi is like oh he didn't 00:39:52.539 --> 00:39:56.710 come last night and I got it in my hand. I was 00:39:56.710 --> 00:39:58.210 thinking what will I answer to my mother? He 00:39:58.210 --> 00:40:00.570 got missed and went to the police. I went around 00:40:00.570 --> 00:40:03.829 knocking every room of all my friends. And they 00:40:03.829 --> 00:40:06.389 were like, no Raj, we don't know where Raj is. 00:40:06.690 --> 00:40:10.710 Luckily we found him in the afternoon. In the 00:40:10.710 --> 00:40:13.489 swimming pool he went off to sleep. He might 00:40:13.489 --> 00:40:16.050 have been intoxicated in the night. But he's 00:40:16.050 --> 00:40:19.070 also, Shaitani is also like that. I remember 00:40:19.070 --> 00:40:21.409 fighting and we had a very huge fight at the 00:40:21.409 --> 00:40:25.860 tail end of this holiday for us. And that's where 00:40:25.860 --> 00:40:29.179 I kind of realized. So this time, to answer your 00:40:29.179 --> 00:40:33.860 question, yes, it has been quite default to become 00:40:33.860 --> 00:40:35.500 the father figure. When there is a gap, you kind 00:40:35.500 --> 00:40:38.239 of fill it up. And this time when I was partying 00:40:38.239 --> 00:40:40.840 with Raj and one of his friends, Amit, who was 00:40:40.840 --> 00:40:44.480 a close friend of mine as well, he said, brother, 00:40:45.019 --> 00:40:48.059 now it's done. And I'm like, what happened? He's 00:40:48.059 --> 00:40:51.500 like, your responsibility was up to here for 00:40:51.500 --> 00:40:55.380 Raj and for us. Abhi aap bade bhai nahi ho, abhi 00:40:55.380 --> 00:40:59.099 bas bhai ho. Abhi wo role chhor do, kyunki hi 00:40:59.099 --> 00:41:00.860 kuch see ke mai dekh raha ho, Raj kitna peera 00:41:00.860 --> 00:41:03.980 hai, wo theek se pochega ke nahi, mai niklunga 00:41:03.980 --> 00:41:06.380 nahi party se, so that responsibility part. So 00:41:06.380 --> 00:41:09.360 that's when I kind of allowed myself ke bhai, 00:41:09.880 --> 00:41:13.699 ab ho gaya. Such a beautiful line, aap bade bhai 00:41:13.699 --> 00:41:16.440 the, abhi aap bade bhai nahi ho, aap bhai ho. 00:41:17.000 --> 00:41:19.039 And it's almost like I felt like you dropped, 00:41:19.519 --> 00:41:22.170 at that moment you've probably dropped. a very 00:41:22.170 --> 00:41:27.989 big load off your shoulder. Yeah, I think that 00:41:27.989 --> 00:41:31.210 is such an interesting flip, right? Yeah, and 00:41:31.210 --> 00:41:33.369 sort of an equalizer also. I was talking to Vidy 00:41:33.369 --> 00:41:35.230 also recently that I'm not your big brother now, 00:41:35.230 --> 00:41:37.949 I'm just your brother. You know, you can, you 00:41:37.949 --> 00:41:40.090 have equal right to tell me anything if I'm going 00:41:40.090 --> 00:41:45.269 wrong. And we are equalizing. I have somebody 00:41:45.269 --> 00:41:46.929 else to take care of, like, like, you know, you 00:41:46.929 --> 00:41:49.909 have Prisha, I have Rishi to take care of. Preet, 00:41:49.909 --> 00:41:51.829 it's been a phenomenal conversation, my friend. 00:41:51.909 --> 00:41:54.610 As always, it's time to wrap up this podcast. 00:41:55.190 --> 00:41:56.789 For everybody that's listening and watching, 00:41:57.190 --> 00:41:58.650 look out for the show notes. There's some amazing 00:41:58.650 --> 00:42:01.570 goodies in there for you. We'll see you in the 00:42:01.570 --> 00:42:04.250 next one. Thank you, Dharain. It was fantastic. 00:42:04.610 --> 00:42:06.550 See you guys in two weeks.