Pełna transkrypcja odcinka Inexpensive Boundaries You Need In Your 20s (Or Any Age)

trips. 00:06:36 Speaker 2: Yeah, like such an interesting visual. 00:06:38 Speaker 1: I want to specify we're not making fun of this person. 00:06:42 Speaker 2: This was the highlight of my fucking week. This is like actual poetry. 00:06:46 Speaker 1: And my favorite thing was the support that she just got people saying you should write books. 00:06:53 Speaker 2: Yeah it was. 00:06:54 Speaker 1: I'm like, I can't read shit like Akatar than Rag on this ship. This is amazing, this is giving fan. I just want to know if Hugh Jackman saw this comment. 00:07:04 Speaker 2: I hope so, and if he didn't, but hey, it's but hey, it's too anyway. 00:07:10 Speaker 1: Those are my obsessions. 00:07:13 Speaker 2: I love it. My obsession of the week is sober wholesome friendship. Last night we went to Archie Brothers in Alexandria and had like a cute little arcade game night with a group of our friends and all of our partners. And it was just so wholesome and fun and such like a cute thing to do on a weeknight or a weekend that doesn't have to involve drinking or going out and being hung over the next day. 00:07:41 Speaker 1: It was so fun and like reasonably priced. We had so much fun and we just played like ski ball, yeah, ski balls, skea ball, and the cocktails. If you do want to have like a baby. They do have mocktails too. They're like so extravagant, but like so like four bucks. 00:08:01 Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, it's so fun. Yeah, because I think that in our twenties and thirties, just in adulthood in general, like a lot of our social activities revolve around alcohol, and I just think that it's not necessary and that we should make more of an effort to have some more sober friend dates because you can make some really cool memories and it's also a lot cheaper, so win win. 00:08:24 Speaker 1: I loved it, and the time went really quickly. 00:08:27 Speaker 2: It is so fun. I was like, I don't want to go home, all right? Should we get into our boundaries that cost zero dollars? Let's kick off with our boundaries that cost zero dollars. My first boundary that cost zero dollars is loud budgeting. Ooh, I love this. 00:08:49 Speaker 1: Yes, So what is loud budgeting? 00:08:51 Speaker 2: Tell us? I'll credit this to Lucas Battle, who coined this term. But loud budgeting is a vocal acknowledgement of our financial woes and encourages radical honesty about money. So it's basically the opposite of what we usually do with money. Which is not talk about it at all and instead sharing with your friends and family what you're going through financially, both in terms of things that you're struggling with, but also your goals and being more open about that and actually encouraging communication and conversations with your friends and family about your money. So I saw this sort of popping up on TikTok and in some articles at the beginning of the year. 00:09:33 Speaker 1: Yeah, it was popping off it in like jan and Yeah ev and stuff, which makes sense because that's the time when a lot of people are talking about their. 00:09:40 Speaker 2: Finances and yeah, motivated to make some change. And I was like, this is really cool. I'm actually really inspired. So this year I've started loud budgeting with my family and friends about my financial goals, which is something that I never did before. I never really would speak about money or how much I had in SAVI or my goal that I want and what I want to achieve. I think because you know, I always was well had a little bit of shame about it, or you know, it's a bit of a taboo topic talking about money. It's a bit weird, and also like some of the goals that I wanted, I was always like, oh, it's just like two out of reach, you know, and had probably more of a pessimistic attitude towards it when I was younger. But the thing with sharing my loud budgeting with my friends and family is that I feel like it's made it easier to set boundaries financially with the people in my life because I've told them what my goals are and what I'm doing to get there. So if I have to say I can't go to that because I'm saving for this, they already know they have the context. 00:10:47 Speaker 1: There's no like pressuring that accompanies it exactly. 00:10:50 Speaker 2: And I also don't have to like skirt around the issue or like have a big conversation about it, because yeah, they're already across it. And then also with other things, which was one of my goals at the beginning of the year, was to bring down the costs that I spend on presents for people because I love buying gifts. But you know, it was really blowing, like blowing out my budget and being able to have that conversation with people and be like, hey, can we get on the same like playing field. Let's maybe set a dollar amount on how much we spend on each other for our birthdays or like, should we do like a secret stander instead this year? 00:11:25 Speaker 1: Should always do that with like in your life every year, like for birthdays and Christmas especially that being like what are we both spending? 00:11:37 Speaker 2: Yeah? Exactly, And I love this trend. I think that it's so cool, Like it completely changes how we talk about money and takes away some of that shame and taboo around it. So yeah, that's one of my zero dollar boundaries. 00:11:50 Speaker 1: Yeah. I think it's also good because you can control that boundary there is. You can share as much as you want to and as little as you want to. It's not saying that you, you know, have to go and tell everyone exactly how much you have in savings or like what you're earning. That's not what the train showing my bank account, no anything, No, that's not what it is. It's about like communicating your financial boundaries to people and your goals and what you want to be spending your money on and what you don't want to be spending your money on, so that everyone understands. 00:12:22 Speaker 2: We're all on the same head. 00:12:23 Speaker 1: Yeah, and I love it and I think it's good. Okay,

my first zero dollar boundary for your twenties or any point in life is completely free because it's with yourself. But it's with that little naughty voice in your head that Saal and I coined after watching Ruful's drag Race, the inner saboteur. Ah, yeah, it it's not her. It doesn't even deserve that. To me, it looks like, what's that child's book? Was it? 00:12:53 Speaker 2: Gruff Grug Grug? 00:12:56 Speaker 1: That's what my own saboteur. 00:12:57 Speaker 2: That's not him. 00:12:58 Speaker 1: Yeah, but he's a little fuzzy ball and it's in my head and it says, nasty thing. 00:13:02 Speaker 2: Hey looks like my brother. We buy him Grug books like every year, and he's about to have a baby and we've already bought like ten Grug books to be like, is your father baby? You are baby? You are baby Grugging. 00:13:17 Speaker 1: So basically it's this tool and this boundary on how to set boundaries, essentially with that naughty little voice in your head that kind of takes over the wheel. And I think we all have a habit of allowing our thoughts to become reality, or our anxieties to become reality, or our fears to become reality, when in reality they are just thoughts. And for me, that has been something that I have always really struggled with, my thoughts running away quicker than like I can grab them. Like if something kind of hooks my brain and that thought process, whether it is good or bad, that thought can take over a little bit, and I really really struggle to pull myself out of it and be like, this is just a thought, this isn't reality. So an example of this is when you think everyone hates you because you know, maybe you got really drunk last night and you wake up the next morning and you're like I have no friends, like I was the worst last night or something like that, or any reality of being like, oh, like I'm bad at my job, like I don't know what I'm doing, or just all those moments where that little grug like pops its head up and has the thought, and then that thought becomes a reality. And there's this tool that you can put in place as a boundary, which I've recently been taught about, and it's called cognitive diffusion, and it's something that I'm putting in place and it definitely helps. I'm not gonna say like it's completely changed my life and I never have moments where I'm like ya, but it does, It does really really help. So cognitive diffusion is for those moments where you have a tendency to over identify with our thoughts and we amplify them in our minds to the status of facts or the truth. And when we become used to our thoughts in this way, the thoughts themselves can become over controlling, preventing us from seeing other options. So it's like putting blinders on and not seeing that you know, maybe that's not actually what's happening, maybe because you, you know, forgot to do that one thing at work. You're not completely terrible at your job, Like that's not the case, Like it's it allows you to kind of see the big picture. Yeah, And so learning to take a step back from your thoughts is what is called cognitive diffusion. So it's looking at thoughts rather than from them, noticing thoughts rather than getting caught up or buying into the thought, and letting thoughts come and go rather than holding onto them. So one of the ways that you can do this is out loud saying I'm having the thought that so rather than being like, I'm bad at my job. If we're going to use that example, right, you would say I'm having the thought that I'm bad at my job, or if you're feeling anxious, you could also say I'm having the feeling that I'm anxious like and it kind of allows you to separate you and your soul from the feeling of from the thought, so it doesn't become like all consuming. There are some other things that you can do that are super like cute and helpful. But you can imagine yourself like you're driving a bus and you can treat difficult thoughts like their passengers on the bus, so like they come on the bus, they sit on the bus, and they get off the bus. 00:16:50 Speaker 2: You out, get off ticket. 00:16:53 Speaker 1: Yeah what you didn't scan your open car for you? Yeah, exactly. Another one can be carrying cards and writing the thoughts down on cards and throwing them away. You can type it out on a computer screen and then this one, I really like you type it out on a computer screen and play with it by changing the font and the color and I don't know, grab some clip art if you want, copy and paste that comment about Hugh Jackman in there. But it kind of makes it smaller, you know. It allows you to have a little bit more control over the thought. Because look at you, you're changing the color of it, you're changing the font, put it in comic sands, yeah, and then delete it. And then the last one is to not only say it out loud, but say it out loud slowly, and the slower you say it, the more you realize how small and it like unnecessary it is, and the more control you have over it. So I think that was like one of the biggest and most important boundaries that I've been learning in my twenties, because the older we get, the more we have to worry about, the more we question our self identity and what the fuck we're doing and whether or not, like like what do you want to do in life and all that kind of stuff. And it's so easy to question yourself and so easy for that grug and in a saboteur to come up and be like you're a failure, and you're like, I have a failure. Grug is right, but Greg is not right. Greg is on a bus and you've got to tell them to get off. Sometimes we have this goal to be self aware that I don't know when we realize when it turns into self judgment, and that is something that you need to realize are you being self aware or are you just judging yourself? One is helpful, one is not. So that was a little tool that I. 00:18:44 Speaker 2: Was like, I like debt, Yeah, that's great. Yeah, by grug My next zero wall, my next zero dollar boundary for your twenties or any

age is how to combat over responsibility. A little while ago I read a book called Difficult People by doctor Rebecca Ray who is a clinical psychologist, and I guess the book covers lots of different things on how to deal with like different types of difficult people in your life, how to deal with conflict, stuff like that. But in part three of the book, titled Boundary Basics, she talks about how to react to conflict and how we use different types of self protection methods. I guess when we're dealing with conflict, but how that can impact our boundaries, including avoidance, having no boundaries at all, and over responsibility. And over responsibility was one of these self protection methods that I really saw myself in and related to and realized that I needed to change in order to restore some boundaries that I'd been missing in my life. So in the book, she describes that overresponsibility can look like apologizing for things that you shouldn't only feeling comfortable if you're in control of a situation, or feeling like you have to take responsibility to fix other people's emotions or always be available to other people when they're going through a crisis. So that kind of sounds like you're being a good person or being a good friend being available, And I think that there is a line there, But over responsibility can act as a cushion to avoid setting boundaries or you know, having to have a difficult conversation with someone or feeling like you're letting somebody down, all of which you know can be really difficult. It can also function to avoid taking responsibility for your own needs because you're too busy taking care of other people's, Like oh no, like I can't deal with what I'm going through because you know, I'm dealing with so and so's problems, or I. 00:20:59 Speaker 1: Feel like those problems are bigger than the things that like you've got to deal with. 00:21:03 Speaker 2: Exactly, yeah, yeah, and you use that as a little bit of a crutch to avoid actually dealing with your problems. In this section of the book, for each of those self protection methods, raties, self talk, scripts, that can be useful to change these patterns. So things that you can say in your head to ground you and remind you, or even things that you can say in conversations to these people to try and deal with the conflict or whatever the issue is. So for over responsibility, these are some of the self talk scripts that can be used to change these patterns that I've found useful. Number One, I'm not obligated to fix other people's feelings. Number two, by being the solution to other people's problems, I'm stopping them from learning from themselves. 00:21:50 Speaker 1: That's a great one. 00:21:52 Speaker 2: Number Three, I can support others without taking responsibility for their happiness. So look, this is an ongoing process and boundary that I'm trying to implement in my life. And sometimes it's easier than others, but I have found it's really helpful just to try and put a boundary in place, because otherwise you burn yourself out. And I think, for me personally, like that's what I've been doing, and i haven't been putting my feelings first, or you know, I've definitely been like avoiding like dealing with some things for myself personally. So yeah, read that book as well. That's an extra little wreck if you feel like you do struggle with dealing with conflict or setting boundaries in your life. But yeah, those self talk scripts are really good zero dollar boundaries to put in place and good reminders I think to have in your back pocket during those moments when like emotions are running high. 00:22:50 Speaker 1: Yeah, I think as well, because sometimes it's hard to realize the people in your life that you need to set those boundaries with. Yeah, but if you're coming away from a situation drain or a relationship drained, or it feels like a lot of work, you've got to pull a lot of the weight in that, then like, that's probably a situation where those would be really really helpful, But it takes it can also take a while to kind of realize what those situations are totally and also getting over the hump of feeling bad about doing that. Yeah, is tricky, but that's so helpful. I love those. I love the one that's like, if I'm constantly the solution, this person's never going to. 00:23:27 Speaker 2: Find it on their own exactly. That is such like a little. 00:23:30 Speaker 1: Key in the lock statement that you're like, oh, I get it. 00:23:34 Speaker 2: You feel like you're helping someone, but really you're enabling. 00:23:37 Speaker 1: Yes, exactly, I love that. Okay, My final boundary, this one's a little quickie. My final one is a boundary that I have been seeing set by a lot of women and people in their twenties at the moment, and it's a bit of a trend on socials and something that I think is worth talking about. But setting a boundary with your single life, but more importantly, like setting a standard. So there was his story from a girl online about a hinge date she was going on and how this guy just wanted her to come over. And this is said by sharing like a voice note that he sent her of how dinners and dates feel forced and how like he just doesn't really believe in that, and so like sure, like, why don't you pick a place and then we can meet there and then if you feel comfortable, we can go back to mine. I'm sure this person is not like an evil person or malicious or anything like that, but what I think, Like one, it was kind of fun. It was funny to laugh at the voice note and her like lip syncing to it. Yeah, that's great, I know, it's so funny. And then like more like since that, more have come out and I think it's such a good lesson and reminder that like with dating and with relationships, there are boundaries, there are standards, and as someone who was single for a really long time, it does slip because you're like, am I being too picky? Am I setting standards that are too high? That it's

like, maybe I just need to relax and go with the flow and do it for the plot, and like, yes, those are all good things to recognize, but never ever, ever, compromising on your boundaries and your standards in dating is how you will find true happiness, not only with yourself, but in the person that you're meant to be with, because doing that, you're just going to end up compromising for something that doesn't even make you happy. Yeah, and it is not to your standard, it's not going to be. If something isn't to your standard on a first date, it's not going to be to your standard in ten years time. Yeah. If it's not working on the first date, and if something isn't clicking, it's not going to change in ten years Because when you first meet someone, that's the best version you're getting. They're on their best behavior, they're showing you their best self. So if you're already like, I feel like I'm my standards, I'm compromising all my standards, my boundaries for this person and ain't going to get better. And that's also not me saying that they have to be the perfect person. When you first date someone, there's going to be things that aren't necessarily perfect, and nobody's perfect, but it doesn't encroach on your boundaries. Like. That's the thing. That's the identifying difference. 00:26:35 Speaker 2: That reminds me of a life lesson that a chick sent in recently, And it's that when someone shows you their true colors, believe them. 00:26:43 Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, I love that. 00:26:46 Speaker 2: Smash Smash Auto smash, but hey, it's too big, daddy, put that shirt. 00:26:55 Speaker 1: A shirt A We cann't make all these shirts out. Oh I no, fuck, we just have to make put that shit on a shirt? 00:27:03 Speaker 2: We do? Yeah, Please, chick, tell us if you want this shirt, if. 00:27:07 Speaker 1: You just want to do you want a put that shit on a shirt T shirt? Please let us know we could make that as merch. 00:27:14 Speaker 2: We'll do it. 00:27:15 Speaker 1: Just what if we put it on a hat? 00:27:22 Speaker 2: That money? 00:27:23 Speaker 1: Right? 00:27:24 Speaker 2: Okay? Done? Done? 00:27:30 Speaker 1: All right? 00:27:30 Speaker 2: Should we do Advice with the chicks? 00:27:32 Speaker 1: Advice with the chicks. 00:27:37 Speaker 2: Hey girls, I'm so thankful for all of the content you do and I'm a huge fan. I'm a foreign resident living in Australia and I was wondering if you could give me some advice about living with difficult housemates. I've been living with different people for over four years now and there are definitely challenges along the way. However, I found this year particularly really challenging, as my current housemate can be difficult to be around. Every time you're around her, you feel uncomfortable and seems like there's tension. The choice of words she uses are so rude and harsh, most of which are always by a messenger. I've done my part to adjust to her personality and communicate face to face to her. However, she still looks for things to complain about. It also seems like she doesn't want to live with other people, but also want someone else to help her pay rent. I wanted some advice on how to navigate through this without having to break the lease and take care of my well being. Thank you so much. 00:28:33 Speaker 1: Well, that takes out my first tip. I know, because it really does affect your mental health. Because your home and your house is supposed to be your safe space. And the fact that that isn't it means that you don't get rest, and rest is like the most important thing in life. You'll never be able to achieve anything or be productive at anything in life if you don't allow yourself to rest. So I can completely understand where this chick is feeling, because she's probably exhausted, Like that is just the worst. And unfortunately, I think I don't know if she's She didn't say that they've had a talk about it, did she She said not. 00:29:13 Speaker 2: I don't think, like explicitly she said, I've done my part to adjust to her personality and communicate face to face, But I'm not sure if they've had like an actual conversation about the entire issue, or if it's more like she's trying to move comes off of messenger and face to face, which I think is much. 00:29:31 Speaker 1: Yeah. I think large, like large and maybe like bullish personalities like that it's really really hard to confront them, Like it's really scary, yeah, and like I have always been like about that because I'm like, I don't want you to yell at me. And they and somehow they they are able to manipulate conversations and things, and I've always been it's scary to be like, I feel like I can't keep up with the confrontation. Does that make sense? 00:30:00 Speaker 2: Yeah? And then afterwards, when you're in the shower and you're like, shadow. 00:30:03 Speaker 1: I should have said that, said that boxing. 00:30:06 Speaker 2: With the loof that like fuck, Like when they said that, I should have been like no, like yeah, it's always after the fact. 00:30:14 Speaker 1: So that's what I mean that I think go. I think a conversation and potentially a confrontation needs to happen with the point in mind that confrontation isn't for a point of argument, it's for a goal of resolution. I know this person sounds like it's really difficult to find resolution with, but always remember that people do kind of take these things and take them back, and they do similar in the back of their brain. So I would say prepare, like write a list and have your notes, and have really think about the things you want to raise, because in the moment, when you're feeling a bit anxious, you forget everything and then that happened, and then that happened and I didn't say that, and you're like damn it, and then you end up shadow boxing a loofer in the shower, So I would say, really prepare all the things, have examples because like someone might say, like she might want a little bit more explanation because she might not realize that she's doing it. So if she's like I didn't do that, or like, can you tell me when I did that, make sure you've got examples to show her because she might not realize at all, And that can really really help in that situation. I know you don't want to break the lease. That would be my first tip, to be honest, but I think like a confrontation for resolution needs to happen that you've prepared for, and then that's like the best you can do. I don't think you should adjust your personality anymore. I don't think you should live any differently. You pay rent, you deserve to be there, and if that doesn't work, live your life. 00:31:46 Speaker 2: Yeah, stand up for yourself and yeah, don't mold yourself to fit into somebody else's standards or make somebody else more comfortable when you know that they're not within their right to be making you do that. Like you said, you're paying rent, it's your space too, and I think, yeah, have this conversation and then if things don't improve, Definitely, like make the plan to move out as soon as you can, don't try and extend it. The thing with like housemates as well is that if you don't get along, when you move out, you never have to see these suckers again. So like that's amazing. And then also, I know you don't want to break your lease, but maybe I don't know, if you could potentially look at transferring your lease. 00:32:28 Speaker 1: Yeah, maybe find someone else to fill the room. 00:32:30 Speaker 2: Yeah, depending how long you have left, like, you never know, you might be able to find somebody else who can move in. And some people are looking for temporary things or they're really desperate to find something really soon, so they're like, yep, cool, three months left, that's perfect exactly, and they're happy to do that. So those are your options, chick, But stand up for yourself. But we're sorry that you're going through that. 00:32:52 Speaker 1: And oh it's the worst. 00:32:54 Speaker 2: It's a worse house mate for writing in. Yeah, for kind words about the show. We love you, and she keeps being made. Just share your address. We'll take care of it. I'm Joe and. 00:33:07 Speaker 1: On the bottom of the pyramid your housemats. 00:33:13 Speaker 2: Bye jecks. We absolutely love you. 00:33:15 Speaker 1: Thanks for having us in your ear holes, kisses, smooches, kiss things, and thank you to m ik Marye for making this episode of Two Broad Chicks happen. Love you big, and love you small. 00:33:25 Speaker 2: And finally, always remember, but hey, that's you. Bye Jicks