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Have you ever had moment where your reaction to your child surprised you? Where something seemingly small, like a tantrum, a wine, slammed door, sparked an intensity inside you that felt bigger than that moment?
Maybe you yelled louder than you meant to. Maybe you shut down, withdrawing into yourself. Maybe you thought, where is even coming from? This isn't how I want to parent. This isn't who I want to be.
If you've had any of those moments, hear me out. This is part of being a parent and really it's part of being human. And chances are you're brushing up against something much deeper than just a bad parenting day.
Hi there! If this is your first time here, welcome to The Parenthood and Relationship Podcast.
I'm your host, Markella Kaplani, a Psychologist, a Parenthood and Relationship Coach, and a parent myself.
Together we explore the transformative journey of Parenthood and its profound impact on our relationship with ourselves, our partners, and our children, so that we can be present and show up as we envision without having to do more.
Let's get into today's episode!
Exploring Childhood Wounds in Parenting
Today we are talking about how our own childhood wounds can quietly invisibly show up in our parenting often without us even realizing it at first.
Because becoming a parent isn't just about raising little humans. It is also about facing, sometimes painfully the little human we once were.
Noticing these moments is a good thing though, because it's a sign that something inside of us is asking to be seen.
That the beginning of healing, not just for us, but for our family.
Today is part one of our May series, Healing the Past to Parent Better. If you missed last month's series, rediscovering love languages and Parenthood, I encourage you to go back and listen. It sets the stage beautifully for this kind of deeper self connection that we are going into and we're building right here, right now.
And stick around to end because I have actionable steps a simple, powerful journaling prompt that will help you start mapping where your past might be quietly shaping your present.
Why Parenting Activates Old Childhood Wounds
So why does parenting activate old wounds? When we become parents, something happens that no one really prepares us for. It's not just that life gets busier and it's not the sleepless nights or the mountains of responsibility that get in the way.
It's that parenting shines a light in places inside us that we may not have visited in a very, very long time. The places where we felt scared small or alone, or not enough.
Because here's the thing: our kids with their raw emotions, their needs, their mischief, their mistakes, they mirror parts of ourselves that once needed something we didn't get: Love, protection, validation, freedom, security, and their behavior taps into one of those unmet needs- even unconsciously- it can wake up those parts of us that still carry hurt... not because we're bad parents, not because we haven't worked on ourselves enough, but because memory lives in in the body.
Your nervous system, your emotions, they remember what it was like to be vulnerable, be unseen, to be afraid, and sometimes without meaning to your child's behavior can trigger those memories, not intellectually of course, not with words, but with feelings.
You may suddenly feel overwhelmed with anger or fear or helplessness, and it can feel way bigger than that moment deserves. That's not just about what's happening in the now. You're right. That is your younger self, the one who had to survive hard situations pulling at your sleeve, saying, "Hey, remember me?"
And I want to say this again because it is so crucial. This is all very normal. This is a human experience and it's not a disaster, but an invitation.
Signs You're Responding to an Old Wound
So then how do we spot when we may be reacting to the past versus reacting to what's truly happening and is truly the situation? How do we know if our reaction isn't just about our child, but is something way deeper inside us?
Well, here are a signs to watch out for.
For one, there is a disproportionate emotion, meaning that the size of reaction doesn't match the size of the situation. Maybe your toddler spills their juice and suddenly you feel this wave of despair that feels very outsized, almost frightening. You know, even as happening it is too much. But in that moment it feels completely real and overwhelming and you can't get past it.
A second sign is personalization. So if we're doing this, basically we are interpreting our children's behavior as a personal attack or deep disrespect, not in a logical way, but in the way that it really stings us to our core. A simple no from our toddler may feel like rebellion. Our teenager rolling their eyes at us could feel like total rejection. We feel wounded, not just annoyed.
And finally, another sign that you can look out for is a feeling of shame after fact. So once the dust settles, instead of feeling, regret and wanting to repair, of course, you are consumed by deep shame and guilt. Instead of potentially thinking, "okay, that wasn't my best parenting moment," we think, "I am a terrible parent. There's something wrong with me." That level of harsh self-judgment points to old wounds, not just a current mistake.
If any of this resonates with you, if you're thinking, "oh no, that's me," I want you to take a deep breath.
Healing and Responding with Compassion
Please don't go into a spin self diagnosing. This is about bringing a little light and a little compassion to places inside you that have been trying to get your attention for a long time, and that is where the opportunity lies. Because when you can recognize "this feeling is old, this pain doesn't belong to my child," you create the space to respond differently, to respond not from your wound, but from your wholeness.
Think about it this way: your triggers are a doorway. This is one of the biggest shifts you can make as
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a parent -and as a human. It's to seeing your triggers as proof that there's something wrong with you and instead start to see them as invitations.
Every time an old wound flares up, every time you feel that sudden anger, guilt, that flash of fear, it's your nervous system saying, "There's still something here that needs your love. Not punishment, not judgment, love. Your child isn't the cause of that pain. They are the flashlight that's showing you where it still lives inside you.
And when you can notice that moment, even if you don't fix it right away, even if you can't fix it right away, you are already interrupting a pattern that might have been silently running for generations in the background. You are saying, "I willing to meet this part of me with compassion instead of ignoring it passing it on." And that my friend is cycle breaking at work. That's courage. It is a love in its bravest form.
Gentle Practice for Awareness
So here is one gentle practice for this week.
When you notice yourself reacting strongly, maybe withdrawing, maybe feeling that flood of shame instead of rushing to judge yourself instead of scrambling to be better I want you to gently ask, "Is this about now or is this about then?" No fixing required, no perfect parenting needed. Is this about now or is about then?
That tiny pause. That tiny breath is a crack at old pattern. It's a light getting in. It's the beginning of healing, not just for you, but for your children as well. Because every time that we choose awareness over autopilot, we are showing our children and our own inner child that the cycle can end with us.
Conclusion and Next Steps
If this episode resonated with you, if you found a piece of yourself in this conversation, I hope that you know that you're not alone, you're not behind. You are not failing, but you are waking up parts of you that are finally ready to heal, and that is a profound, powerful thing. If you want to take this a step deeper, I continue this conversation on a weekly basis in my newsletter where I include exclusive, personal bits from my life, as well as from my sessions with my clients- anonymized, of course- along with opportunities for deeper reflection through exclusive tools and journaling prompts that get the ball rolling. If you're like me, loving the theory, but craving to put it into action so that it's worthwhile, then my newsletter is that next step. I look forward to seeing you on the inside!
And don't miss next week's episode. In episode 57, we're diving into how our family patterns, even the ones that we thought we left behind, can quietly shape our parenting. specifically, we are discussing how our invisible scripts, the ones we inherited, show up under pressure and how we can rewrite them with intention. Because we're not just raising our child, we are raising ourselves too. We are re-parenting. And that is a big feat.
you loved this episode, if you like this show, make sure to share it to leave me an Apple Podcast review. It means the world and it helps me share my message. If you walk away with nothing else, I want you to know this: You are already an amazing parent.
Take care of yourself and I'll see you next Sunday. Bye-bye.