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Do cheaters always cheat?
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You've likely heard that all your life.
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For the last thirty something years, I have worked with marriages in trouble.
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I'm Dr.
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Joby with Marriage Helper.
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And we get this question all the time.
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Since my wife or my husband cheated on me, is it true that I can never trust them again because of the fact that they're going to cheat again?
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I remember a couple I worked with several years ago.
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They had come to one of our workshops to see if they could potentially put their marriage back together, and he said to me, I don't even know why I'm here.
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My mom, my dad, my friends are all telling me the same thing.
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Cheaters, once they cheat, they'll cheat again.
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I should never trust her, and so it's just ridiculous that I'm here trying to put this thing back together.
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Well, in just a minute I'll tell you how that turned out.
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But let me say this.
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If you start thinking that cheaters always cheat, maybe you should start breaking this down a little bit.
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For example, did you know that there are different kinds of extramarital affairs?
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There's one called a high opportunity low involvement.
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What that means is somebody's at the wrong place at the wrong time, and maybe there's some extraneous things going on like ego out of control or drinking has been occurring, or they're mad at their spouse about something, and it can be a hundred different reasons here.
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But because of that, they find themselves very susceptible.
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And the next thing you know, they're in bed with somebody they shouldn't be.
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It's the proverbial one-night stand, although, although sometimes it can be more than one night.
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It can be a few different nights.
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But here's what you need to understand: that particular situation is not a strong emotional connection between the two people.
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It's primarily sexual.
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And you say, well, if the person does that, then if they're tempted by that kind of sex, then they may be tempted by that again.
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And the answer to that is, yes, they may be.
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But does that mean that they will be?
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Because see, if you believe cheaters always cheat, then you think, oh, it's just a matter of time, they're going to do it again.
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Need to go ahead and divorce you now and get it over with.
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And if your spouse has cheated on you, and if you want to divorce them, that is your right.
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But in a person in a situation where these high opportunity, low-involvement affairs, where there's no strong emotional connection, there's always some reason that happened.
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And what if you can figure that out?
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Is it because of ego that needs to be tamed?
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Is it because of the fact they're angry at you and that's not the way they should be handling it?
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Is it because of some other reason?
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What we have discovered in over 30 years of working with marriages is if we can help people figure out how it happened, not just the person who did the cheating, but the other spouse as well, if you can figure out how it happened, so that you can rectify that problem.
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And almost always it is fixable.
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And then if the person who cheated is willing, with the assistance of the spouse who was cheated on, to set up a boundary system so that I will not put myself in situations where that could potentially occur, then those people can go the rest of their life and never cheat again.
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So it's not true that cheaters always cheat.
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We have witnessed those kinds of marriages be put back together and they actually worked out well.
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Now, again, it's your choice if you're saying, Oh, forget it, Dr.
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Beam, I'm never gonna do that.
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That is your choice.
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But I'm telling you, and I'll explain more about it in just a couple of minutes, that it may be well to your advantage to do that.
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Now, there's another kind of affair.
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Now, actually there's several, but I'm just gonna talk about three.
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And the second kind of affair I'm talking about is this it's an emotional connection with the other person, which turns into an affair.
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Sometimes we just call it an emotional affair if they don't have sex with each other, but most of the time they do.
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And you say, well, if a person does that, they're gonna cheat again, right?
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I don't have time to explain it in this video, but we have many other videos where I go into great detail about it.
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But there's a reason people have those emotional affairs.
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And they also have a shelf life.
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Now, not just emotional, but it can be sexual as well.
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But it starts as that
Load full transcript
emotional connection between two people.
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It has a shelf life.
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And typically it's going to end within three months, but it could last as long as 48 months.
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But it's definitely going to end.
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Very seldom have I actually helped a couple where that has gone past 24 months.
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And you say, 24 months, I just found out I can't handle this another two years.
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Well, if you just found out, it is highly likely it's already been going on for at least 12 months.
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You say, but but those people, they're going to cheat again.
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No.
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They're not cheating because of the fact that they're some kind of a sex addict.
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They're cheating because they allowed themselves to develop a relationship that was so strong emotionally with another person than their spouse, that it took over the relationship they had with their spouse.
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It became stronger than the relationship with their spouse.
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But that emotional connection, we have a word for it, we call it limerence, is going to end.
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Now, you say, but but they're going to go looking for that again, right?
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Not necessarily.
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You see, if we can help a couple figure out what's missing, particularly in the person who had the affair, what's missing?
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What is it that you're looking for in this relationship that you don't believe you have in a relationship with your own spouse?
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And if we can help them figure out what that is and how to repair that, so that now they become emotionally strongly connected to their spouse, then they're never going to cheat again.
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They're never going to be involved with anybody else.
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Now, I understand the emotional connection with the spouse will not be as ecstatic as that affair was, but it becomes deep and grounded.
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And people who get past that and learn how to be in love with each other again, they're never going to cheat again if they keep doing the things to keep that couple connected, the husband and the wife connected.
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So, no, cheaters always cheat does not apply there, as long as they repair it.
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And that takes some skill.
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And that's why it requires typically professional help.
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Let's get past this, let's repair it, let's get it to where it needs to be.
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Now there's a third kind that I'm going to talk about in this video very quickly, and that's the habitual affair partner.
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What I mean is these folks go from one bed to the next to the next to the next.
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It may be one night stands, it may be three months.
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They may even think for a while they might be in this limerage thing I just described, but it doesn't last very long because really what they're looking for, they're not going to find in anybody's bed, including yours.
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You see, they have a problem.
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And yes, they will cheat again unless they get some professional help to help them overcome this problem.
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And then if they can actually get that, okay, they can go the rest of their life without cheating again.
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But that one is a little iffy because they have to get the right professional help, and they have to take advantage of that help and incorporate it into themselves.
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And so you look at that and go, hmm, okay.
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So, Dr.
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Bean, what you're telling us is, based on your experience with thousands of marriages over the last 30-something years, you're saying that cheaters don't always cheat again?
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Most of the people, the vast majority of the people that we've worked with, once they get past that affair, and we can help them, both them and their spouse who was cheated on, figure out how it happened, what's going on, how to repair the relationship, how to put it back together where they're in love with each other again and have this strong connection to each other, the vast majority of those people never cheat again.
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But if they don't figure out how did it happen the first time, if they don't fix the problems, if they don't learn how to be strongly emotionally and sexually connected to each other, then yeah, it's definitely a possibility.
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And for people who are habitually involved in these things, it's not just a possibility.
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It's a probability.
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So what do you really believe about your spouse?
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You see the couple I started talking about where he said, I don't know why I'm here.
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I've been told once a cheater, always a cheater, I I don't even know why I'm trying to put the marriage back together.
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That happened back about 1996, somewhere in that range.
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So that's been a while back, as you can tell.
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They are happily married to this day.
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They figured out what happened.
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They figured out why she did what she did.
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They figured out how to repair the marriage, make it be what they're supposed to be.
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And since then they've had several children, who, most of whom were just grown already now.
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I am Facebook friends with them.
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And I get to see what's happening in their marriage and in their family, and it's all very good.
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So you see, the question becomes, and that's the question I ask him, is your wife a good person doing a bad thing?
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Or a bad person doing a bad thing?
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Because if at core she's a bad person, I can't help your marriage, and you can't either, because neither of us can fix a person who is bad on the inside already.
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You say, what do you mean bad?
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Lacking integrity, highly selfish, wanting what they want and expecting everybody else to do everything their way, who will cheat and feel that they didn't really do anything wrong because they have the right to do that because you blank, whatever it might be.
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Those people, if they really like that, I don't know how to help you, but understand this.
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The fact that your mom or your dad or your best friend, or even a counselor who has not met your spouse, but now is making diagnoses about your spouse, if they tell you that's a bad person, they're no good, it's never gonna work, do not.
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Do not believe them.
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They're all biased sources.
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You say, even the counselor?
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Yes.
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Because if your counselor is making a diagnosis about your spouse, not knowing your spouse, they are definitely biased.
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Just like your mom, your dad, your friends.
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Now, I'm not saying your mom, your dad, your friends, or even the counselor.
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I'm not saying they're bad people.
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But they see your pain, they see your hurt, they're angry at the person that hurt you, and they're telling you, throw them to the curb.
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Which is what my mother used to say all the time before she finally left this earth.
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If they're a good person, don't buy into what other people tell you to do.
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Trust your heart.
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You know, I think she really at heart is a good person.
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What she did was a bad thing, but I think she's a good person doing a bad thing, not a bad person doing a bad thing.
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And and think about it this way.
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If indeed you believe that inside, the person who cheated, the person who hurt you, if you believe that inside they really are good people, then this can be remedied and think about what kind of a marriage you could have if that good person would re-emerge.
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The person that you originally fell in love with.
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Now, can I guarantee you we can pull that person out again for you to see?
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Can't guarantee it because I don't guarantee things that unless I know I can guarantee it.
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But I'm telling you, we know what we're doing.
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And we have succeeded so many times in helping that exact same thing to occur.
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And also think about this.
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If your spouse is a good person who did a bad thing, willing to get the help, and you need to be part of that, willing to get the help to fix it, how will that affect your children?
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You see, one of the biggest fears a kid has is losing a parent.
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Not necessarily to death, although that's a big one, but even they're living across town or they're living across the country.
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So what would it mean to your children now if you could figure it out?
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You say, well, children have to live their own lives.
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Look, you brought them into this world.
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They don't owe you.
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But because of the fact that you brought them into this world are some things that you owe them.
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And if somebody tells you that you owe your children nothing, these are people without integrity.
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I'll argue that to their face.
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So think about the future.
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You and only you can make the decision whether to try to forgive and learn how to get past this.
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But don't think.
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You can just reset and everything's okay.
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You really do need professional help to figure out why it happened, how it happened, and how to keep it from happening again.
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Think about it.
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And if we can help you, please contact us.
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We have great success at this.
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We do it every day.