Pełna transkrypcja odcinka Meaningful Connections + Is It Good or Bad For A Relationship to Have a Fight From Time to Time? (+ Tips For Arguing, Lol)

I am really trying to work on and have been for a while. And that's blaming language. We've talked about it here on the podcast before. But the blame game is, you know, when we just say, well, you do this and you do that, and that is just, honestly never fun and not productive at all. Dr Appleton says, instead, use language that emphasizes how you feel. So rather than saying you never listen, say I feel hurt because I don't feel like I'm being heard. And when you switch it like that, it just helps the other person here how you're feeling, and then it keeps them from getting defensive, and then vice versa. If you both speak to each other this way, it's very helpful in the conversation slash argument. All right. The next thing that she shared is when we generalize, it's bad. Like generalizing in general, we should stop. So instead of using language that can make the other person feel powerless, focus on what you're feeling in that moment. Don't generalize. So again that brings back to you and you're feeling similar to the second thing that she shared. Now, the fourth thing is is it the wrong time? I mean a lot of times we might be picking the worst time possible to have said argument. And it can be tempting to argue with a partner or a friend or whatever as soon as the thing other's you, but it actually does more harm than good to argue in a space that doesn't feel private or safe. Instead, Dr Appleton said that you and your partner or friend should agree on a time and a place to work out the issue that doesn't bring on additional stress. Now, this waiting will also give you some time to reflect and relax before you enter the conversation clearheaded, which is I think a great way to enter any conversation. And you know a lot of times kids might be around if it's with a partner or if you're trying to have a conversation with someone else in your life, but people are always round. It's just good to make sure you carve out that time for that conversation where you can feel free to say things and I mean not say mean things by any means, but just have a conversation where you can say at all and you don't have to censor yourself or talk quietly because of other people that might be around, because then that can get confusing. And then lastly, if we're having an argument where we're too tired or hungry, that is a problem. And I mean we've all been sleep deprived before, and then hungry is definitely a thing. That's when you're hungry and angry obviously, So if you decide to start an argument when you're not in a level headspace, like maybe even if alcohol has been consumed, that's gonna likely turn ugly. So there's this other relationship expert Dr Coldman Wetsler, who said to consider the theory called Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Now, this states that basic psychological needs should be met before people can pursue more advanced needs like love and belonging. So if you aren't well rested, fed, and relaxed, well, Dr Goldman Weltser said, you should not be trying to have an argument or a tough conversation. All right, So there you go. Those are five mistakes that we're making that might escalate arguments with friends, partners, spouses, or whoever it is, maybe even a coworker. And we don't want to escalate arguments. We want to be level headed, and we want it to be a productive conversation and not end up worse than before it all started. And again remember that TikTok video. It actually is okay for a relationship to have a fight from time to time. Send for this thing. I want to talk about making friends as an adult because it can be difficult. And one reason why I want to focus on this is Lisa's newsletter my friend Lisa Haynes, that she sent out this last week was titled how to make new Friends as an adult. And then another reason is I am actually going back to Southern Pines, North Carolina this weekend to see some friends that I made as an adult. But it was hard for me to make these friends. I was probably my late twenties when I moved to Southern Pines because my husband was in the Air Force and he was stationed at Fort Bragg, and I moved there not knowing anybody. Fort Bragg's about thirty minutes from Southern Pines. We chose to live in this cute, little quaint town, as a lot of military people do if you're familiar with that area, and I knew no one, and I was like, well, how am I going to meet people? Because I was doing the Bobby Bones Show, but I had to record from home. So I was working from home in a new town where I knew nobody, and my husband was gone half the time in Afghanistan or wherever the heck he was going. Sometimes I didn't even know, Like literally, I would go sixty days without knowing where my husband was or what he was doing because there was no communication. And at the same time, I was expected to meet new friends, and a lot of times too, when he was deployed, I would go back to Austin to stay with my mom and do the show from there, and so I really wasn't making the connections that I wanted to, so I had to make a concerted effort to just make friends. However I could. One friend that I made is Kate who I met her at Gold's Gym at a body pump class, and I pretty much just went up to her and started talking to her because I thought, well, she looks like we could be friends, and clearly we have similar interests. We're both here at body pop and then turns out we both enjoyed yoga. Her husband was also in the military. He was gone a lot. We had dogs we had, I mean, she her and her husband calling shout out. They would watch our dog Josie for us so much. They loved dogs and they loved Josie. And she was my Rottweiler that we had for about ten years. And we lost her to cancer a few months after I brought the kids home from Haiti, and that was such a difficult time. So if you if you never knew Josie, she was like the cutest, sweetest, most precious Wrottweiler in the world. But I loved it because she was also powerful with her look because of the stereotype. I hate that

dogs have certain stereotypes. But if people knew that she was cool and safe, then they would come up and like talk, And that was a way to make connection, was out walking Josie through the streets of downtown Southern Pines. But also it would almost like part ways with people because some people were like, oh, that's a rott Wiler, I'm scared of that type of dog, but they just didn't know how precious and sweet she was. So she was also a really good guard dog for me, especially since I spent so much time alone. But Kate is one example. I just had to straight up go up to her and say hi and introduce myself, and we became friends. And then I'm going to Southern Pines this weekend to see my friends Sunday, who I met because she owns a cute little shop slash boutique in downtown Southern Pines called the Mocking Bird. And I just went in there and was shopping one day and struck up a conversation and asked her to help me pick out some rugs, and then the next thing you know, we have a friendship. Her husband also in the military, and he was gone a lot. So we hung out, but I had to just start speaking to adult strangers as an adult and introducing myself and seeing if there was a connection or a spark, and we were able to create a friendship. And I love that now at forty one and I was in my late twenties, then I'm still friends with these people. And while we don't see each other all the time, we don't talk all the time. I mean, i haven't been back to Southern Times in years, but I'm so excited to go back. And now that I've evolved and I'm working on myself and I'm looking for more connection, I hope to connect further with these relationships. Like by further, I guess I mean go deeper with them and you know, nurture these relationships. And Friday night we've planned a big dinner and another friend that is attending is my friend Kathy, who I met at church and she spearheaded the missions committee at our church, and she's the reason why I went to Africa. But that was me just getting curious about traveling the world and doing some mission work and showing up to a missions committee meeting. And in fact, I think Kathy just straight up maybe came up to me and was like, Hey, I think you and your husband would be good for this. You need to come. And instead of being like, oh, no, I don't. I don't really know if I have time to travel the world, because I really didn't. I had to get permission, and thankfully Bobby was super cool about it to get two weeks off straight from the show so that I could go to Africa and have that experience, because the longest we ever took from vacation at a time was one week at a time minus Christmas time, and this was in the summer, and so I needed two weeks straight and so I'm super thankful for that. And then the connection and the friendship that I made with Kathy, and she's going to be coming to that dinner and I texted her the other day and said, Hey, dinner reservations at Ashton's this time. See there which Chef Waren's.

That's where we normally like to go, But shout out Chef Waren if you're ever in downtown Southern Pines. He turned sixty and he's out traveling the world with his wife, so they're out of the country and they're not open. Of course, the one week that I'm going, they're not open, so we're gonna go to Ashton's, which is another place that we also love. But I texted Kathy. Again, not someone I talked to all the time, but she has been a huge part of my life and very involved with some things that have been going on with me the last couple of years and a very helpful friend and resource for me. But again, we're not talking all the time. But I texted her and said, Hey, we're doing dinner here, and she said, Oh my goodness, this is so perfect. Can't wait to be there. This text just made my day. And so all this to say, if you can't tell, I'm very, very excited about my weekend ahead in Southern Pines and connecting with some friends that I made as an adult. But as I think back and how I had to make these friends, I had to go outside of my comfort zone. I had to just do things, go to meetings, meet people, talk to strangers, and that's what it takes. Otherwise I was going to be stuck at home, not really making any sort of connections, and being that I did the Bobby Bones Show, but from my house, I didn't have work pushing me out there into the town to get to know people, which is often how we do it right. But if you don't have that, what do you have? And I'm so thankful for Lisa's newsletter that went out that touches on this topic, but then the podcast that she recorded to go along with it, sharing tin tips and tools that she uses to make new friends in adulthood. And so I'm going to read this newsletter and then send you to her podcast episode so that you can check that out. All right, here's what Lisa sent out. If you really know me, you know my non toxic trait is being exceptionally good at making new friends. Don't get confused here. I'm not the person with loads and loads of friends, but my impact spirit thrives on close female friendships rooted in real connection. This has gotten harder to pull off as an adult. The other day, I was pulling up to meet a new friend for a girl date, Hi Irene, and it was my first official in person meeting with a new person since becoming a mom. We hadn't met yet in person, only texted after someone suggested that we may like each other. Yes, I picked her up by text as I sat in my car anxious and excited. I went through my mental checklist of how to be a human being. L O L. That sounds bad. I promised meeting new people didn't always require such calculation and prep. But with two years of COVID and mistakes high for me, you wanting new friends, I admit my in person social skills are rusty and a little brushing up was necessary. So I took a deep breath and imagined meeting her the things I'd want to share and not share, things I wanted to be mindful of, and if things were going to go well, things i'd do or say to hopefully deepen our bond and make a meaningful first impression. And preparing for this, I realized this is an opportunity to share with you my process, because the truth is we never stop meeting new people. This skill set has let me connect with amazing people in the most unsuspecting places like jury duty, and I can't imagine my life without them. You may be eager to meet new people, people that truly get you that you can be your truth theist self with, but are unsure where to start. My guide in this podcast episode will help you out. And then she attached Tin tips and tools to making new friends in adulthood, which the title of her podcast is how to Make Adult Friendships. That's the title of the episode. And then Lisa's podcast is called The Truth Theist Life, So if you want to find it, just go to wherever you listen to podcasts, type in the Truth Theist Life. It should be one of the latest episodes up there. But since the podcasts are weird and you might be listening to this a whole year after I put this up, just search The Truthist Life how to Make Adult Friendships and that episode should pop up. And I encourage you to subscribe and follow Lisa's podcast whatever wherever you're listening however that ends up happening, and uh see if you like it. I enjoy Lisa's content so much and the light that she is in this world, and I am thankful for for this conversation of how to make new friends as an adult and the fact that she shared we never stopped meeting new people, and I think sometimes we forget that, and especially these last two years, being in such isolation, we are a little rusty, and we are evolving as people. You might be moving across the country, you might be moving across the world, and you've got to, you know, brush up on your people meeting skills again for deep meaningful connection. There might be some surface type relationships out there which are okay too, but deep connection is I think what we're I can speak for myself, I'm starting to long for. So I'm thankful for Lisa being a guide to me in that way, because she truly does know how to connect in a deep, meaningful way. So shout out, Lisa Haim. This is a little appreciation thing for you making you this thing and your light that you are into this world, and you sharing with us again how to make new friends as an adult. All right. So for this thing, I'm gonna be sharing a listener email that I got. I haven't had time to confirm whether or not I could say her name or not, so I'll just leave it as anonymous. But she did email after she heard me say something on the Bobby Bones Show about my relationship with my dad and the type of connection we had. And quite honestly, when I was growing up, I didn't have much of a connection with my dad. He moved out when I was nine, and I mean he was around for certain things, but he always provided, which was super cool. My mom was a single mom and worked all the time, and she did the best that she could. But they were able to have an

amicable split. Even though I know my mom was hurt very badly, she was super awesome immature about it. I have so much respect for how my mom handled my dad leaving and the whole divorce, but also sometimes I feel like maybe I wish she would have, you know, just gotten a little mad and stood up for herself more than she did. But that's okay, That is for another day. And both of my parents have passed away, by the way, in case you're a new listeners, so I can't have conversations with them as an adult, and as I'm growing and wondering things and wanting to maybe see if we could have done things differently, or if they would have handled it differently. Some stuff I do know they would have other things, I still have questions. So maybe if your parents are still living and there's things you want to talk to them about, now is the time to do it, which leads me to the email that I got from a listener. Hey, Amy, I heard you talk on Friday Show about your dad and how you would have preferred the quality time versus all the financial love he gave you. I've been struggling with that for years and had the same exact conversation with my therapist just this last week. So I'm curious if you ever spoke to him about it, and how did you go about doing it. I'm twenty nine and I know that I should express it to him, but it's the hardest thing I think I'll have to do. Thanks ps. Today, I'm grateful for my husband, always green tea because I'm on a coffee break, traveling to London in a few weeks with my friends, the warmth that is summer. So those are the four things that she shared that she's thankful for. And now to this listener and anyone else that is listening right now, I will say, and while your situation might be different, if you're like, oh, well, this isn't the type of conversation I have to have with my dad, it's actually a talk I would like to have with my mom. And it's not about you know, money or connection, It's about something else. But I would say that each parent is so different, each human being is so different. So without me having all the details, it's hard to say how you should go about doing it, And I know you're asking how I went about doing it, And the truth is I really didn't have many tough conversations with my parents. There's some stuff that naturally came up when my mom was on her deathbed and my sister had a conversation with my dad and some like in a in a tough love type of way. And I think my dad, after his fourth marriage failed and he got divorced, had in awakening. He also had went into a major financial crisis and didn't have the funds, and the roles switched and we started almost helping support my dad, which he was very grateful for. He lived with my sister for a long time as an adult man in his seventies, and he went to work for my brother in law at Root Design, which if maybe some of y'all are familiar with Root Design now because it's being featured on their h G TV show Building Roots. The season's up, but I think maybe

you could still go watch it if you wanted to. But oh my gosh, my dad would have freaked out if he would have been alive to see that show come to fruition. By the way, It's really cool to think about because my dad was always an amazing cheerleader. So I will say while he wasn't great at connecting on a deep level, he was the biggest cheerleader for us that you would ever meet, like ever. So I kind of get goosebumps thinking about him and being able to see the show. But he passed away before that could happen. But all that to say is he sort of had this awakening himself, like once he was stripped of everything, he realized what was important and he was able to communicate to us, and he asked my mom for forgiveness, like days before she died. He later had a talk with us and said, you know, he wished he would have known better earlier in his life. But the problem is he didn't really do anything to try to connect even though he wanted to. But I think he needed to do maybe a little more work to get there himself. And while he did make the step of having that conversation and the realization of like, oh, you know, I didn't really connect with you all in the way that I should, and I chased the wrong things my whole life, and I was always chasing work opportunities and not being there for y'all like like I should have. Again, he wasn't buying us lavish, lavish things. Now it's all relative, like some people paying for a car and us in college that is lavish. So I do recognize that for sure. That's not lost on me at all. But those are the things that I'm talking about that he showed up for and paid for, like I didn't have to work or or you know, worry about paying for my needs in that way. But it's not like he was taking me on I don't want to get confused or you all to get confused that he was taking me on weekend shopping trips and was like, buy whatever you want, make yourself happy. It wasn't that kind of money or that kind of relationship, but it still was a hey, you know, I'm providing for you. I'm giving you this stuff, so I'm here for you. So look look at us, look at me being a dad and you being a kid. And he didn't have that kind of thing. He lost his dad when he was only a month old, and he lost his mom when he was eighteen, so he worked his entire life and paid for everything himself. So I think he wanted to give us those basic things that he never had of like car, gas, education, and other things that you know we needed. But let me circle back to this email about how I know that this listener is looking for a way to have that conversation with their parents. But the thing that stuck out to me the most was she's in therapy, so she has a therapist, And I would say, your therapist knows more of your backstory, and hopefully you've shared some family history with her, so she knows a little bit about your dad, and she can offer you the best way to go about having this conversation, and I would work through it with her. It may take several weeks for you all to come up with a plan and then for you to muster up the strength to do it, because you you fear his response, and that is very natural and normal for you to not want to hurt him in any way or for it to be taken the wrong way. So if you present it in a way that you know that he'll hear and that he doesn't have an opportunity to get defensive about what you're saying, and he can see your heart behind it and that you're just truly wanting to connect with him. Daughter to father, then this could be the beginning of a very beautiful thing. But I would use your your therapy sessions for the next few weeks to try to walk through what that might look like. It sounds like you've already started to have that conversation with your therapist, So what could it look like if you actually take action and continue digging into this urge to express something like this to your dad. And I know it's not easy. Having any conversation can be uncomfortable when it's about a need that you have that's not being met. But you have every right to express this to your dad, And my hope is that he'll walk away super thankful and proud of the daughter that he has raised, that can see the value in connection and meaningful connection and relationships, and that you're saying it at before it's too late, because again, I think my dad had the realization and I don't think honestly, he was sick the last few years of his life and I didn't really have the guts to have much of a deep conversation with him, and I missed that opportunity. So my hope for you is that you don't and again, while my dad had the realization that he could have done it differently, it's almost like he also had this mentality of like, but you know, I get it, it's a little too late. And he really had trouble talking towards the end of his life and it was very difficult for him. And that sucked too, because he was a very social person and love to talk, so I think it sent him into a little bit of a depression and he just wasn't himself. So for my family, it was almost like it all came a little bit too late. And I don't want that for you, this listener that sent this in, or you anybody else listening where this conversation is resonating you when it comes to having a conversation with anybody in your life where you have a need and it's not being met, or you have a desire for connection and you don't feel like you have it. And I have been on the receiving end of those conversations where I'm not the one connecting, so I know what it's like to maybe want to get defensive and to to fear that person not receiving it the right way. But I have appreciated those have it that have made the tough call in my life to have these conversations with me and kind of call me out on it in a kind loving way, so I can speak to like both sides of this at the moment. So good luck listener, thank you for the email, and also thank you for sharing four things that you are thankful for today. And I encourage a lot of you two to do

that daily if you can, or once a week, or maybe even just look around and find one thing that you're thankful for, If for it seems like a little too much right now, all right, So for this final thing on connection, I want to talk about the benefits of having a work BFF. Now, maybe you already have one and you're like, yes, it's amazing. Maybe you don't have one and you're wondering why in the world you might need to become friends with someone that you work with. But Fast Company put out an article that shared the reasons why, now more than ever, you should have a work BFF, and they actually listed for reasons, the first one being that you can lean on each other. Now, the pandemic has been tough on everyone but those that are working in jobs like healthcare, education, as frontline responders and office workers. Those that have stuck with their jobs during these crazy two years. Consistently, they give one answer as to why they've stayed, and its work friends. Someone said quote, without my friends, I never would have gotten through this. The days were long, the work was really hard, but through the layers of all of this, I'd find my friends eyes and know that I would be okay. That quote specifically came from a nurse who worked alongside a friend, and I can't I can't even imagine being a healthcare worker the last few years. So if you happen to be one, all the praises to you, because you are truly heroes. And the second thing they shared is we're social creatures, so humans want people to listen, They want people to laugh with us, make us feel included. And while we get this from our loved ones outside of our jobs, having someone at work to experience those things with makes all the difference in the world when it comes to being happy at your job. The third reason is they help us perform better. Research shows that workplace friends help promote creativity and can make employees more productive as well. And then the fourth reason is we really just want to be happy. Having a work bestie definitely brings us joy on the job, and it turns out that's something people value more and more at these days. According to a recent survey about friends in the workplace, people value happiness even more than their pay. It shows that fifty eight percent of respondents say that happiness at work is more important than salary, and a work bff is a big part of that. So for some of you, you're thinking, there is no way I can be friends with anybody that I work with, and I just want to challenge you on that. Maybe you can dig a little deeper. Maybe you can look around your workplace, your office, or however it is, maybe you're working remotely. Is there someone you can connect with and start chatting with and texting with and sharing things with and not so you can be a part of any sort of office gossip or anything like that. But just finding that joy and that happiness, and again it may even help improve your work performance, because, like I said, the research shows that workplace friends help promote creativity, and creativity in the workplace is where it's all about. And we're never too old to be growing and getting better at our craft and what we do no matter where it is, whatever your profession is what, no matter where you fall, you can always continue to be better at it. Okay, So there you have it. Benefits of having a work BFF and if you haven't already have one, make sure you send your bestie a text message to listen to this episode so they can know all of the benefits that y'all are offering each other being friends at work. And good luck to the rest of you that are going to be on the hunt to find that work b f F. The next thing that I have coming up this week is on Saturday, my Outweigh podcast. It's a podcast dedicated to disordered eating, eating disorders, body image issues. The tagline is a life without disordered eating outweighs Everything, and that podcast is all about connection for those of you that are in this space that are on the journey, hopefully the road to recovery soon, but it's not an easy one. It's a long journey, and that is why I continue to do Outweigh. Even though Lisa, who you know, I shared her newsletter earlier in this episode. Lisa Haym, she was my original co host on that and she had to step away to prioritize some other things in her life, which I totally respect, and we thought about dissolving it, but we're keeping it going and I'm just bringing on other experts because I'm someone that's a recovery I don't feel equipped to be the expert. I don't want ever say anything that's triggering, and I want to lean into what the professionals have to say because they're in this work, They're in the thick of it every single day, and I can just share my experience and hopefully that will offer some encouragement to those of you that are in it and you won't feel alone. And that is the point of Outweigh to be that weekly dose episodes are about fifteen twenty minutes long of encouragement and a reminder that you got this. You're not alone, You're not crazy. You're not the only person in the world thinking this about your body or feeling this way about food, or whatever the case may be. You are not alone. So I highly encourage you to check out Outweigh this Saturday. The episode will upload. You just got to subscribe, download, or follow. I guess some some subscribe, some follow, and then maybe even rate and review if you feel led to do that, and then I would love to hear from you on the four Things email as well, if you want to hit me up four Things with Amy Brown at gmail dot com. And I hope you'll have a great rest of your day. Bye,