Volledige transcriptie van "How do you change?" featuring Grace Luttrell Pettit-Eberle

bold colors. There was my grandma. We got a really great photo of her. There she is. Hey, yeah, I sat with that photo. I hadn't seen her in a while. I started scrolling and reading the condolences and comments, and there was a comment that stopped me. It was a comment from my dad, Tom Pettit. And I kept rereading this comment, because the more I reread this comment, this last, core memory that I had of my grandmother had changed, drastically. Every way that I had framed and felt that memory changed by the words that I was reading from my father. And I'm gonna read what he wrote. I'm gonna grab my phone. It's on airplane mode, just so you all know. And we are gonna put it up on, on screen. I'm gonna give a moment for - Nope. No, we're not sorry. So I'm gonna read this very clearly and very slowly. On May 11th, 2003, my father's post read this. Grace Luttrell Pettit-Eberle (10:03): My mother's greatest joy was babies and children. And although she may have wondered before 1978, age 60, if she would ever be blessed with grandchildren, my sister rewarded her patience with the first, Nikki. Then came Danny, Katie, Emmy, and Grace. And Nikki blessed my mother with a great-grandchild in 2001, Jay. Although mother was struggling with Alzheimer's for the past two years, she always seemed to know who Jay is and delighted in their visits. And on my family's last visit with mother, in late March, the one person she recognized and said hello to, was the youngest grandchild, Grace, age 12.  Both of my grandmothers died before I was born. I remind Grace to treasure the time she had with, and the memories of her grandmother, my mother, Muriel King Pettit.  My grandma was always the one who saw me and made me feel like a child, feel like myself. And reading this from the perspective of another, it reframed everything that I thought. It changed this memory from 20 years ago that I had held deep, and had never processed. From that I was able to change in a way of being able to reconnect with my grandmother who is spiritually here. I'm able to have a relationship with her. And that type of change, it's hard to put a name on, other than change. So this question of how do you change? For me, it comes in all different shapes and forms and experiences. Grace Luttrell Pettit-Eberle (12:23): So an object that I have now, a tool that I have now, that grounds me and reminds me of where I've been, is a rock. Everywhere I go, I pick a rock up and we have rocks all over our house, this one included. But rocks have an ability to be strong and firm and grounding and remind me to stop. They also, for me, have a power to remind me of where I've been and what I've overcome. Our Campfire friends have baskets of rocks, and you all are going to get a rock. Once you get your rock, just hold it in your hand. It's gonna take a moment. So anybody else into rocks? Yeah. What? What about rocks? What about rocks for you? I wonder. Anybody willing to share? Yeah. Do we have a mic for our friends? Sweet. I wanna hear. I know our friends want to hear your voice. I have a feeling. We gotta test it.  Audience member (13:47): I decided when I got divorced and bought my own house for the first time in my life, that the door to my house was going to be open to only the people that I wanted to enter. It was a new decision, a new boundary that I had made in my life. Only people that I loved. Only people who I knew really cared about me and only things that would come in. So I purged a lot. I wanted to be able to walk into my space and feel really happy, and I wanted it to feel sacred. So I gathered a bunch of river stones and each person from the day when I bought the house, I had all the stones in a jar by the front door. And every time someone would come in who hadn't been in my home yet, I had take a rock and write their first name on one side, and then just a word on the other side. And I call it my love jar. So those are the rocks that are special to me. Grace Luttrell Pettit-Eberle (15:13): I may have to take that, I may have to take that in my back pocket. Wow. Thank you so much for sharing. That's such a beautiful arrival. Man, all right. If we all have our rocks, if we'd like one, you could choose the hand. But maybe you just start to notice the rock in your hand. You could have a shape, could have some texture. You could start to look at your rock and notice the colors and potential lines. I wonder if you feel the weight of the rock in your hand. It could just be in the palm of your hand, but the weight could also move to your fingertips. Grace Luttrell Pettit-Eberle (16:11): Could move backwards back to your elbow, could move then up to your shoulder. The weight of change. Keep this rock handy. You could just hold it. You could put it in your pocket. You could put it down. But we're gonna use this rock here in a little bit. I'm gonna set mine down. So yeah, middle school, high school, young adulthood didn't have the greatest coping skills. I didn't have the greatest coping skills or communication skills, really for change. And there was a massive amount of change happening in middle school and high school and young adulthood. Anybody else feel that there was change in your life? Raise a hand or just kind of nod vigorously. Yes. I feel that. One thing though, around the time, when my grandma passed away, my dad gave me my first journal. Grace Luttrell Pettit-Eberle (17:22): That was life changing. Having a journal, having paper to write anything on, and release and express and just document my life. It was a powerful tool that I really didn't give it recognition till this time, because I've been rereading my old journals, which on one end has been cathartic and connective to my younger self. And reminds me of what I've done and overcome and who I've been. On the other hand, it's been really uncomfortable. Really uncomfortable, and at times very, very cringey. I'm curious, anyone who journals, have you ever gone back and

reread your journal entries? Raise your hand. Yes. Oh my gosh, I'm so not alone. Any kind of words that come to mind to you based on this experience? Yeah, I hear cringey. I heard sad. Anybody else? Awkward. Awkward. A hundred percent. Gosh, lots and lots of change. All of these feelings and words, I mean, they're all shapes of change. Grace Luttrell Pettit-Eberle (18:45): I came across this one journal entry though from September, late September, 2021. And I remember this day, September 23rd, 2021. It's very vivid in my mind as it was the day our child was due. My husband Patrick and I, we had a baby coming and we were at the hospital with the midwives early in the morning and they were like, Nope, not yet. Okay. But I remember walking out and the midwife just this big smile being like, see you in like 12 hours. And I was like, yes, yes. You're gonna see me in 12 hours. Yes, you're, and I, oh my God, growing a human in you. I couldn't wait to see her fingers and her toes and her legs because she had been trying to crawl out of my rib cage for probably the better half of like two months. God. I was like, you are gonna see me here in 12 hours. Grace Luttrell Pettit-Eberle (19:59): But the flip side of that was terror, because I had zero idea of what to expect. We had done all the classes, we had read all the books, we had done it all. But there are certain forms of change that you cannot prepare for. So, hi. I'm gonna read you a little excerpt from that journal entry because what this journal entry turned out to be was a goodbye letter to my former self. And I was writing this late that afternoon, maybe six hours after we had left the midwife. And I was sitting on our porch sweltering in the September heat of our two story brick building in Princeton Heights. It was the first house that Patrick and I had ever bought.  And I'm gonna read this to you. The first sentence “There has been grief and loss and shame tied to this pregnancy.” A few paragraphs down, “I have yet to have the conversation with someone, mother or not about the loss that comes with pregnancy. The many I'll add. First, it's finding out and the loss that comes with things. The second is the loss within yourself. If you choose to acknowledge what life will be like once the human is here Grace Luttrell Pettit-Eberle (21:51): And how there may be habits or behaviors you don't wish to carry on, or lose. Third comes with body autonomy: doctors, friends, family, strangers, all wanting to know how you're doing and feeling, as well as people touching you. Fourth, the loss you feel when it's coming to an end and you won't be pregnant anymore. That for me, also triggered a whole time lapse of getting older and not being able to freeze time. Also, just not being present, but future jumping in my mind. There have been other losses with certain people, or just times that call for more space from them because our realities are not the same. Making, connecting and communicating hard.”  I didn't get to finish the journal entry because my contractions started. The next entry after that was, October 27th, 2021. A few 14 hours, 14 hours later from the last entry, Ray was born. Laboring at home was unlike anything physically, mentally, spiritually I've ever endured. Next time I need to eat a true meal and not just a leftover chocolate shake from Fozzie’s. Grace Luttrell Pettit-Eberle (23:36): Though, I was in denial of her arrival, fear I couldn't endure, I endured. Fear I couldn't deliver her, I got that child out on my own time. There was lots of fear surrounding the unknown of childbirth, but I'm glad I did it and was able to deliver on terms Patrick and I were both comfortable with. Now I'm rehabbing, healing, and learning who I am. Patrick and Ray are in this new life. That was the end of October, 2021. By January, 2022, we were packing all of our things and moving to a new house. So we're new parents with a newborn moving. And on top of that, we were also selling our old house. Lots of goodbyes. But real quick, anybody here enjoy moving the process of moving? Anyone enjoy? I see. Okay. Thumbs down. Thank you. Grace Luttrell Pettit-Eberle (25:00): Patrick raised his hand. And I know that's a lie. Yeah, moving sucks. You pack up all of your stuff, you put it in this vehicle, you bring it somewhere else, and you try and unpack it for like years and before you have to do all of that, you have to give money away. You have to figure out insurance, which oof. And you have inspections and you have all of these other things that are just little mosquitoes flying around you. On top of all of that, more like encompassing all of that, was my mental health. I was suffering deeply from postpartum. Anxiety and postpartum anxiety can look many different ways for me. A great example is when we lived in the city, I struggled to leave our house. I struggled to take our daughter for a walk. I feared that the people that were racing down our street would veer off and hit us. And those were visuals in my mind on top of intrusive thoughts, on top of just figuring out what to do with this human life in my hands. I couldn't communicate really what was going on as it was actively going on. It was hard to formulate words with the feelings. I was scared to put words to what was going on in my mind. I was scared to share with my partner because he was also going through his own change. Grace Luttrell Pettit-Eberle (27:15): On top of all of that, I went back full-time to work. I went back as a marketing director for a health technology company. And the first meeting I had, it was a remote job. So I would log into my computer and that was my life. The first meeting I had was with four or five white men. And the first question I was asked, the first question I was asked was, “So, Grace, how was your vacation?” “You know what, Mike? It was fucking great. It was fucking great.” Fuck you, Mike. Yes, yes, yes. Grace Luttrell Pettit-Eberle (28:10): Yes. Fuck you, Mike. I

could not deal. I could not deal. I was in the darkness trying to care for this child who was my light and be with my love, and I couldn't do it. And I needed to change 'cause I knew this wasn't me. Like, I knew that this was part of the change of becoming who I wanted to be. So I changed my therapist, and I found my therapist and she saved my life. The very first call I had with her, I laid it all out, just laid it all out. And instead of being like, oh, it's gonna be okay, it's gonna be okay, you're gonna get through this. She was like, yeah, that is really, really hard. And there are some women who do not get out of postpartum. But then she started sharing her experiences. She started mirroring some of the feelings that I was too scared to put words to. Grace Luttrell Pettit-Eberle (29:36): And from my time and work with her, I started to feel these really scary thoughts. And knowing that they were scary thoughts and telling them to off because I did not have space for them. It took time, it took a long time. It took a very long time. It took me two years to leave my corporate job. And I left on March 3rd, 2023. Yes, it was great. I sent my computer back and I walked out of the FedEx and there was a bald eagle flying in the sky. I shit you not, I was just like, yes, there is. Yes, there is! Grace Luttrell Pettit-Eberle (30:24): A few weeks after my bald eagle experience, a few weeks after that, I was working in the backyard of our new house, and in the backyard of our new house, we have a creek. And I was clearing the brush out of the way so that I could sit and be with the creek. And as I was clearing away, making all the loud sounds, I noticed out of the corner of my eye, just like a little flicker, it could have gone unnoticed. I could have ignored it. But I turned and there bathing on the bedrock of the creek is a sharp shinned hawk. And this hawk had its wings out, and it was dipping its wings into the water, and it was nuzzling and cleaning itself. It was taking time to clean and care. And every now and then, it would look up to see if there were any other predators. But this is a bird of prey, sitting on the ground. I've only seen hawks in the sky or on light poles or in trees. And there, and there you were, sitting on the bedrock of a creek cleaning yourself and carrying. And I just immediately felt this connection of letting shit go so that I could fly. Grace Luttrell Pettit-Eberle (31:59): Oh, when I say the word change, internally, what comes up for you? What comes and rises to the surface in your mind when I say the word change? Have some words, maybe have some experiences that came up. We have some permanent markers that are being passed out. And the fun thing I learned about these markers is that when you write on it, you gotta give it a second to dry. So, just as they're being passed out, you're also gonna find that rock. Find that rock from earlier. Maybe it's still in your hand, maybe it's in your pocket, maybe it's on the ground. But pick up your rock as you start to get a permanent marker. Once you get your marker, and I think we're gonna have to share markers. So we're gonna take some time with this. When you get your marker, start to write down the words or draw whatever you need to do, to release what came up for you when you heard the word change. Write it on your rock. I'm gonna put my little timer on and we'll give like two minutes and then I'll check back in with you after two minutes, because it's gonna take some time once you get your marker. Grace Luttrell Pettit-Eberle (33:40): Okay? So no surprise. Let's take a moment to notice what you put on your rock, just for yourself. Again, feeling that rock as you look at the words or images or symbols you put on. I wrote motherhood and grief and love and waves. Anybody wanting to share what they wrote on their rock? Maybe, maybe from this side of the room. I see a hand. Okay. Can we give our friend with a hand up a mic? Yeah. Right over there. Sure. If you, if you'd like to share your name. Audience member (34:34): Yeah. Patrick. Patrick is my name. Grace Luttrell Pettit-Eberle (34:38): Hello. Audience member (34:39): I said change was here before and after. Grace Luttrell Pettit-Eberle (34:41): After. Ooh. Before and after. Yeah. I feel that. Yes, I saw that hand.  Audience member: I put fear, anxiety, and then chance and opportunity. That balance. I tried to put some positive in there.  Grace Luttrell Pettit-Eberle:  Sometimes it's hard though. Like when we're in change, I don't know, that positivity, that's where like community and friends and rocks come up for me. Anybody from this side of the room willing and wanting? Yeah Audience member (35:26): I'm Nate. I wrote out a couple things.  I'm going through change right now too. So, rumble, pain, lost, realization. Grace Luttrell Pettit-Eberle (35:36): Rumble to relaxation and everything in between. Yeah, that rumble. I really feel that movement piece of that word. Oh, thank you for sharing. Thank you all for sharing. So we're gonna do something fun. I think it's fun, but. All right, right hand, which may look like my left, but my, your right hand, you're gonna put your rock in your right hand and if you're sitting or if you're standing close to someone, put your right hand a little bit closer to them. Have your left hand read ready. And if you're sitting on the corner, our Campfire friends are gonna help out with this. What we're gonna do is we're gonna move this change. We're gonna do it for like 15 seconds.  We're just gonna let your rock go. So I'm just gonna hit no, not, I'm just gonna do it in my head. When I say go, you're gonna pick up the rock in the hand of the person. Got it? Questions? Alright, let's try it. And go. Start to pass these rocks. Yes. And just pass it. Yep. Don't stop. Keep going. Keep going. All right. You know the drill. Take a moment to notice your rock. You may have to turn it over. This is a new rock. Let's take some

time with it.  What does it feel like?  Audience member (37:41): What happens if you got your own rock? Grace Luttrell Pettit-Eberle (37:43): You got your own rock back?  Audience member:  Yes Grace Luttrell Pettit-Eberle (37:52): Ooh, I love that natural switch. Did you two switch? No. You wanna switch with me? You, you both got your rocks back? Do you wanna switch rocks? Or you could keep your rocks. Okay. Are you good with keeping your rock? I'll switch with you. Grace Luttrell Pettit-Eberle (38:21): Both of the rocks have passed through are freaking awesome. Wow. Does your rock feel different? Yeah. Hmm. Hmm. The first rock I had said danger. It had the danger sign drawn out, which was so cool. I feel that danger, especially when you're like shifting into something new that you have no idea. Is it gonna be good? Is it gonna be bad? Am I gonna like this? Am I gonna it fuck it all up? I don't know. This rock, this rock changes it. This rock is imagine. Could you imagine what would happen with change? Anybody willing to share what their new rock says? Anybody? Oh, I see you all. I'm gonna start over here.  Audience member: Yeah.  I talk so loud. I, I think this is really neat. It is. It’s a really Round Rock. Mine was flat and it says one thing. Oh, well two words. Me first. I love that.  Grace Luttrell Pettit-Eberle:  Does that feel familiar or unfamiliar?  Audience member: The expression or the rock?  Grace Luttrell Pettit-Eberle:  Either one.  Audience member: Yes. Me first. Me first feels very familiar because it's fresh in my mind very recently. Yeah. And I think it's cool that I got that rock.  Grace Luttrell Pettit-Eberle:  I think it's really cool. I see two hands over here. Oh, sweet. We have two mics. Audience member: (40:17): Constant. Grace Luttrell Pettit-Eberle:  Does that feel familiar? Unfamiliar? Audience member: You know, I think change is a part of life and we look at it often as something really scary or intimidating, but it's a constant, whether that's age or who you are or change is kind of a constant part of life, whether we're aware of it or not.  Grace Luttrell Pettit-Eberle:  Heck yeah. Right behind you. Audience member:  My new Rock says aging. And I didn't really find that reflective for me, but it made me curious about who wrote it and what they're feeling. Grace Luttrell Pettit-Eberle:  Yeah. Ooh. Change can do that. Mm-Hmm. And we connect with other people and they're expressing their life to us. And we have no idea what that life looks like or feels like, 'cause it's not our life. But when we stop and notice and we can feel through that connection, that could possibly expand our definition of change. When Javier and I got this question, I did not like this question. I did not like this question one bit. Because for me, at the time, it felt like I was standing at the edge of the ocean and I had no end in sight. I didn't know where it stopped. I couldn't tell the shape. I didn't know how deep it was, Grace Luttrell Pettit-Eberle (41:58): And I didn't know what was in it. That's scary. But the more that I sat with my memories and with myself, it was like the mountains started to rise up out of the ocean. And I could see some of my highest highs and I could see the valleys and the lakes of my lowest lows. But I also started to see this path forward. And the funny thing was that I had been on this path before about nine years ago. About nine years ago. I was, bless you. I was actively processing the death of my best friend. And I was journaling. I was going to therapy, I was doing everything that I thought I could do. And yet I could not, Grace Luttrell Pettit-Eberle (43:06): Couldn't get out of the darkness. And you could call it intuition, I don't know. But there was something I felt when I would journal, it was like I was telling stories. And so one day on a whim, I googled St. Louis Storytelling and up popped Campfire. They had a workshop that was hosted by Steven and Seth and I signed myself up and my partner, and we went, it was at Tech Artista in the Central West End. And we went over the tools and the techniques of storytelling. And then at the end, we had to do a five minute story. And so I stood, I stood in front of a group of strangers and I talked about, I told the story. I told the story of the worst moment in my life when I got the phone call that Kaitlyn had died.  What happened after that? It was a connection for myself that led to a way of healing. But that healing looked like volunteering for Campfire. So some of my favorite events that I got to work were these Fellows events. And actually at the time, we were at KDHX in their black box theater. And we would hang these story lights up and I would sit in the back cloaked in darkness, looking through these lights. Grace Luttrell Pettit-Eberle (45:07): And I would listen to the stories. And in my mind, I was that powerful person on stage speaking my vulnerable truths. And then very, very quickly, I was reminded that there was no way in hell that I was going to stand on stage and talk about my hardships and about what I learned from those hardships. Absolutely not. Grace Luttrell Pettit-Eberle (45:32): Thankfully, there's been change. And here I am today. There's one final gift I would like to send you all home with. And that is a journal. It's not my old journals, it's a blank journal. You're all gonna get a journal and they're gonna be passed out. And when you get the journal again, just stop and notice there's gonna be some movement. But I'd like to end our time together saying four positive statements out loud. So I'm gonna say one statement, and then I would love for you to repeat it. Call and response. All right. Alright. The first statement, first positive statement. I would love for you to repeat.  I can stop. Audience members (46:38): I can stop. Grace Luttrell Pettit-Eberle (46:44): I can notice. Audience members (46:48): I can notice. Grace Luttrell Pettit-Eberle (46:50): I can feel. Audience members (46:58): I can feel. Grace Luttrell Pettit-Eberle (47:03): I can change. Audience members (47:07): I can change. Grace Luttrell Pettit-Eberle (47:10): Change is the human existence. It's how we move. I hope tonight you move safely home. And I hope that you rest easy. And thank you so, so much for being here. This is so cool. Thank you all. Steven Harowitz (47:33): That is a wrap. Make sure you are notified when our next episodes hit the airwaves by subscribing to the Campfire Storytelling Podcast wherever you get your podcasts. And, if you liked what you heard, which I'm sure that you did, please leave a review. It helps others to find the podcast and it feels pretty nice for the storytellers. We would love to have you come out to an event or even take a class.  You can find out more about that at cmpfr.com. These live events and the podcast episodes that you are listening to right now, they're all ad free. And we only do that because the folks who take our classes and the organizational clients we get to work with are wonderful and help us sustain this work. So if you or an organization you work with or for are interested in learning storytelling, please reach out. Visit cmpfr.com for all those details. As always, a big thank you to the Campfire team, to everybody who attends our live events, and of course the storytellers that make it possible. And thank you for listening to this podcast. I've been your host, Steven Harowitz. Until next time.