Volledige transcriptie van Stop Fighting the Behaviour. Start Understanding the Need.

rejected? 00:06:04.120 --> 00:06:08.040 Do we feel that we're being rejected, that we don't matter anymore? 00:06:08.280 --> 00:06:15.640 And I want to unequivocally, fundamentally tell you that you will always matter in your child's life. 00:06:15.879 --> 00:06:16.600 Always. 00:06:16.920 --> 00:06:32.520 But if you have a healthy relationship with your child, they will healthily take steps away towards their independence and freedom and won't rely on you and over-depend on you in an unhealthy way. 00:06:32.759 --> 00:06:35.640 They will always go, but they will always come back. 00:06:35.879 --> 00:06:43.879 And if you're listening to this from, you know, from the book that I co-wrote, You're not the problem, and you've grown up in a dysfunctional family system. 00:06:44.360 --> 00:06:54.759 When you think of the pain that was caused to you, or maybe is still being caused to you by a harmful parent, and how you wish that things may be different. 00:06:54.840 --> 00:06:59.400 Whether you're low contact, no contact, that that's that's not really what I'm talking about here. 00:06:59.480 --> 00:07:15.720 I'm talking about how how you wish that years ago that your parent may have taken accountability, done the work, repaired, that you wish that they were in, if they were healthier in your life or in your kid's life more, or even at all. 00:07:16.280 --> 00:07:25.640 And this is where for you listening to this, no matter at what stage your your kid is at, and you're thinking, well, I don't matter to them, you matter. 00:07:26.120 --> 00:07:39.720 You matter because attachment matters and the relationship matters, but you need to have a healthy relationship with yourself and to be able to see yourself and recognize your own needs. 00:07:40.040 --> 00:07:41.800 So, where do you feel seen? 00:07:41.960 --> 00:07:43.240 Where do you feel heard? 00:07:43.319 --> 00:07:44.759 And where do you matter? 00:07:44.920 --> 00:07:48.840 And because this is not for your kids to fill that need within you. 00:07:49.000 --> 00:07:54.120 So those needs exist, but it's not up to our kids to fill that need. 00:07:54.280 --> 00:08:07.640 I remember before on one of the courses I was running, uh parents talking about this and feeling quite lonely and invisible in their life, and they weren't emotionally dumping on their child, but they wanted their child to be interested in their life. 00:08:07.800 --> 00:08:10.280 And I was saying, your kid doesn't have to be. 00:08:10.520 --> 00:08:11.480 They don't have to be. 00:08:11.560 --> 00:08:13.400 It is not a reciprocal relationship. 00:08:13.560 --> 00:08:21.080 So, yes, your need is valid, your need to be seen, heard, validated, but that's not up to your child to meet that need for you. 00:08:21.160 --> 00:08:26.040 You can meet that need with friends, with a therapist, in community, with a partner. 00:08:26.680 --> 00:08:27.080 Yeah. 00:08:27.240 --> 00:08:28.360 But that's not up to your kid. 00:08:28.520 --> 00:08:38.279

An example I had given was that when for the launch party of the book that I co-wrote, my kids were so excited about going to the launch party because they wanted to know what sweets were there. 00:08:38.519 --> 00:08:42.279 They couldn't have given a shit about the book in in such a healthy way, right? 00:08:42.439 --> 00:08:44.439 And no matter, I know that my kids were young. 00:08:44.519 --> 00:08:48.039 What age was the elderly, like, you know, he was nearly a teenager at the time. 00:08:48.279 --> 00:08:49.720 Like he cared a bit. 00:08:49.879 --> 00:08:52.919 He cared like appropriately. 00:08:53.240 --> 00:08:59.720 But obviously he he didn't care a whole pile about it because it didn't that what you know that wasn't in his interest. 00:09:00.519 --> 00:09:01.879 And that is valid. 00:09:02.120 --> 00:09:06.439 They are not there to meet my needs, to feel seen, heard, or validated. 00:09:06.919 --> 00:09:14.519 But it is absolutely air responsibility in that relationship that they feel seen, that they feel heard, that that they feel validated. 00:09:14.840 --> 00:09:17.960 Now, not to the point of us being invisible. 00:09:18.200 --> 00:09:20.120 So I get to prioritize that. 00:09:20.200 --> 00:09:28.919 That's why I remember I talked in another episode, you know, that when I go out for something to eat with my friends, because it's important that I feel seen, that I feel heard, that I feel validated. 00:09:29.080 --> 00:09:31.960 Another need is fun, that I get to have fun. 00:09:32.200 --> 00:09:34.200 Air kids have a need for fun too. 00:09:34.360 --> 00:09:42.360 And so let's say with that row at the PlayStation, we are denying in that moment their need for fun, their need for autonomy, right? 00:09:42.519 --> 00:09:45.799 Their autonomy, they want to play with their friends, their need for connection. 00:09:46.039 --> 00:09:53.799 And so they're having a big reaction to that, which is understandable, but they also need limits and boundaries. 00:09:54.039 --> 00:09:58.360 So we can have empathy and understand their reaction and hold limits. 00:09:58.519 --> 00:10:01.639 Again, not follow into escalating it, any other behavior. 00:10:01.720 --> 00:10:05.319 We can come back to that later, but we're gonna hold this limit. 00:10:05.480 --> 00:10:07.159 We also have lots of other needs. 00:10:07.240 --> 00:10:10.680 We have needs for, I said that, like attention, connection. 00:10:10.840 --> 00:10:13.320 We have a need for healthy power, right? 00:10:13.560 --> 00:10:15.720 Healthy power that we are capable of. 00:10:16.039 --> 00:10:29.480 And so this is actually with our kids where we can get into this battle of power because they want the power for their autonomy, for their fun, for their spontaneity, for their connection, where their attention goes. 00:10:30.039 --> 00:10:38.360 But I'm asking you not to get into that power struggle with them because this is where you just automatically hold the power. 00:10:38.519 --> 00:10:43.320 You hold the power because you're the adult in the relationship, you're the parent in the relationship. 00:10:43.560 --> 00:10:46.680 And so on the course, I have this, it's called dropping the rope. 00:10:46.840 --> 00:10:50.039 Think if you're pulling a rope that back and forth, right? 00:10:50.200 --> 00:10:51.639 Holding all your might, right? 00:10:51.720 --> 00:10:58.120 Trying to pull the rope that you have the power and you're battling with them, and they will battle and pull hard against that. 00:10:58.279 --> 00:11:06.279 And they might be angry and they can even call you names and they can, you know, give you contemptuous looks and they can be scornful at you. 00:11:06.360 --> 00:11:09.720 And I'm asking you to drop the rope because you hold the power. 00:11:09.879 --> 00:11:11.720 And you hold the power in a number of ways. 00:11:11.879 --> 00:11:16.039 You hold the power because one, you are important in their life. 00:11:16.200 --> 00:11:19.480 And they don't have to validate that with you, that just exists. 00:11:19.800 --> 00:11:25.560 You are important because it all goes back to connection, it all goes back to attachment. 00:11:25.720 --> 00:11:26.120 Yeah. 00:11:26.360 --> 00:11:27.320 You are important. 00:11:27.800 --> 00:11:42.759 And the more that you are able to stay connected to that, you will be able to resist and not get caught up in their rage and their anger in these moments because they have a need for safety and limits, and they don't have to understand why that's important. 00:11:43.399 --> 00:11:47.080 But you need to be able to trust this within you. 00:11:47.240 --> 00:11:50.440 Another need that we have is a freedom of expression, right? 00:11:50.519 --> 00:11:52.680 That I want to be able to express myself. 00:11:52.920 --> 00:11:57.240 And again, with her kids, you can express yourself, but that can also come with limits. 00:11:57.399 --> 00:11:59.399 So you can tell me how angry you are. 00:11:59.560 --> 00:12:08.039 I remember again in the course there was a parent, and when her kid was angry, she was reacting to that and wanted to shut that down because that was not okay. 00:12:08.200 --> 00:12:11.560 And I was saying, okay, what level of anger is okay for you? 00:12:11.800 --> 00:12:13.480 And I remember her going, like, what? 00:12:13.639 --> 00:12:15.320 And she was like, No, like anger's not okay. 00:12:15.399 --> 00:12:16.759 And I said, Who said that? 00:12:17.000 --> 00:12:18.519 Like, where did you learn that? 00:12:18.759 --> 00:12:21.960 And she was going, Oh, in my home, like anger was shut down. 00:12:22.039 --> 00:12:24.120 And I was like, Whose anger was shut down? 00:12:24.360 --> 00:12:28.840 And it was the kids' anger was shut down, but the parents' anger was actually allowed. 00:12:29.480 --> 00:12:29.879 Yeah. 00:12:30.120 --> 00:12:33.159 And so I was asking her, okay, what is healthy anger? 00:12:34.039 --> 00:12:38.600 And she sat with that, like she she was never modeled healthy

anger, so she didn't know what that was. 00:12:39.159 --> 00:12:45.080 And because freedom of expression, I can express my anger, but how do I do that? 00:12:45.320 --> 00:12:54.600 So let's say what is acceptable or not acceptable in the house, it's not acceptable to slam doors, it's not acceptable to name call, it's not acceptable to scream and shout. 00:12:55.080 --> 00:13:00.759 But does that mean in the moment that if my kid is really angry, you know, turning off the PlayStation, I have to be realistic. 00:13:00.840 --> 00:13:08.200 And if they're like, oh, for God's sake, yeah, and even if they like storm out and stomp out, that is okay. 00:13:08.440 --> 00:13:09.800 I take that as a win. 00:13:10.039 --> 00:13:10.920 That is a win. 00:13:11.080 --> 00:13:18.200 I've held the limit, I've held the boundary, and this hasn't been a huge blown-up reaction. 00:13:18.440 --> 00:13:18.840 Yeah. 00:13:19.000 --> 00:13:25.159 Often our expectations can be unrealistic that we want our kid to be agreeable or happy in that moment. 00:13:25.399 --> 00:13:29.320 No, they have a need for the freedom of expression. 00:13:29.960 --> 00:13:33.560 And so, again, where are we and where is our nervous system? 00:13:33.960 --> 00:13:36.759 And this then will bring us on to skills. 00:13:36.920 --> 00:13:38.920 And what skills are they lacking? 00:13:39.080 --> 00:13:41.720 And also in this, maybe what skills are we lacking? 00:13:41.879 --> 00:13:45.399 And so let's look at the name of the podcast, The Cam Parent, right? 00:13:45.560 --> 00:13:51.320 When I when I say the Cam Parent, one of the names that I wanted to call the podcast was grounded parenting. 00:13:51.639 --> 00:13:53.240 And I still really like that name. 00:13:53.320 --> 00:13:57.879 And I don't know if ever I'll change it, but there's thought that kind of has to go into that. 00:13:57.960 --> 00:14:00.279 If people hear grounded parenting, like what does that mean? 00:14:00.360 --> 00:14:04.279 I also wondered, you know, maybe was it punitive and talk about grounding kids? 00:14:04.440 --> 00:14:06.279 But I thought calm was universal. 00:14:06.440 --> 00:14:09.159 Like people know what calm means. 00:14:09.399 --> 00:14:13.080 And when we're calm, we have patience, right? 00:14:13.240 --> 00:14:16.840 When we're calm, we're within our window of tolerance. 00:14:17.080 --> 00:14:19.639 We're able to tolerate our emotions. 00:14:19.720 --> 00:14:21.879 So we're not in fight, fight, freeze, or fun. 00:14:22.039 --> 00:14:25.480 And we're able to tolerate our kids' emotions. 00:14:25.800 --> 00:14:26.120 Okay. 00:14:26.680 --> 00:14:27.879 So patience. 00:14:28.120 --> 00:14:30.360 And that's really difficult when we're elevated. 00:14:30.440 --> 00:14:35.639 So again, we're going back to skills and we're going to see what number we are because the higher up we are, right? 00:14:35.800 --> 00:14:37.320 The smoke alarm is about to go off. 00:14:37.399 --> 00:14:39.480 We're going to have very little patience. 00:14:39.720 --> 00:14:40.680 Last night, actually. 00:14:40.759 --> 00:14:47.960 So the um yesterday was a Sunday, and we had like a busy day with the kids and there was like community things on, and it was a lovely day. 00:14:48.039 --> 00:14:49.560 Like it really was a lovely day. 00:14:49.720 --> 00:14:52.759 But come last night, I was, I was just wrecked. 00:14:52.840 --> 00:14:53.480 I was wiped. 00:14:53.560 --> 00:14:54.920 And so I was clear with my kids. 00:14:55.000 --> 00:14:57.879 I was like, lads, I have really little patience tonight. 00:14:58.039 --> 00:14:59.879 Like my patience is down to zero. 00:15:00.039 --> 00:15:01.639 So I need you to be on board. 00:15:01.720 --> 00:15:05.240 I don't want to have a row, but I'm not going to have the patience like I normally do. 00:15:05.399 --> 00:15:05.639 Yeah. 00:15:05.720 --> 00:15:09.879 So can you really like get on board and and do the thing when I ask? 00:15:10.120 --> 00:15:10.440 Yeah. 00:15:10.519 --> 00:15:11.480 Like listen up. 00:15:11.720 --> 00:15:12.039 Okay. 00:15:12.279 --> 00:15:20.600 So there's me being aware that here's a skill that I can have a lot of the times, but my my patience, my patience was gone, my tolerance was gone. 00:15:20.759 --> 00:15:22.680 I was starting to get really irritable. 00:15:22.840 --> 00:15:23.639 I was tired. 00:15:23.800 --> 00:15:25.399 I'm thinking now I'm like, was I hungry? 00:15:25.480 --> 00:15:27.800 I don't think I was hungry, but I was just, I was spent. 00:15:27.879 --> 00:15:28.680 I was just exhausted. 00:15:28.759 --> 00:15:30.039 It was just a busy week. 00:15:30.279 --> 00:15:35.960 And so again, this is not about being unrealistic and of unrealistic expectations for ourselves. 00:15:36.200 --> 00:15:39.560 This is about being aware of our own needs. 00:15:39.800 --> 00:15:41.320 So what did I need? 00:15:42.039 --> 00:15:43.480 I was going to say I needed help. 00:15:43.720 --> 00:15:45.159 Frank wasn't around that evening. 00:15:45.240 --> 00:15:46.600 Like I needed somebody there. 00:15:46.759 --> 00:15:48.920 Like I probably needed, I maybe I needed a break. 00:15:49.080 --> 00:15:49.800 Yeah, I was after. 00:15:49.879 --> 00:15:51.639 Yeah, probably needed a break, five or 10 minutes. 00:15:51.720 --> 00:15:53.879 Now that I'm acknowledging this, I'm like, oh, okay. 00:15:54.039 --> 00:15:57.560 I probably could have gone and sat down and had a cup of tea somewhere for 10 minutes. 00:15:57.800 --> 00:15:58.440 Yeah. 00:15:58.759 --> 00:16:01.399 I needed or wanted the kids to listen. 00:16:01.560 --> 00:16:04.360 I didn't want to rouse, so my tolerance was low. 00:16:04.600 --> 00:16:05.879 So what did I need? 00:16:06.039 --> 00:16:07.639 I needed, yeah, I probably needed a break. 00:16:07.720 --> 00:16:09.159 I probably needed five or 10 minutes. 00:16:09.399 --> 00:16:12.920 See, see how we can get caught up and not acknowledge that. 00:16:13.240 --> 00:16:19.399 But what I was communicating clear

to them because I wanted them to know that actually that my patients was low. 00:16:19.560 --> 00:16:22.440 And so I needed them to be to be on board this evening. 00:16:22.600 --> 00:16:32.039 And around emotions, like a skill that a lot of kids uh struggle with, especially if they're neurodivergent, is managing disappointment. 00:16:32.279 --> 00:16:39.159 So when they're disappointed, it can be overwhelming for their nervous system and it can feel devastating. 00:16:39.320 --> 00:17:00.120 So no matter what the disappointment is, so if that's the three or four-year-old not getting the suite, if that's the child disappointed because they have to leave the park, if that's the teenager or whatever the argument is, if they are disappointed, they might really struggle to manage their disappointment and they might get really angry then because they can't manage their disappointment. 00:17:00.360 --> 00:17:05.960 So this again is about curiosity and going back and being aware when there's an argument. 00:17:06.440 --> 00:17:09.159 What need was my child trying to meet? 00:17:09.319 --> 00:17:10.920 Because all behavior is purposeful. 00:17:11.000 --> 00:17:12.839 They will be trying to meet a need, right? 00:17:12.920 --> 00:17:14.599 So again, what were you talking about? 00:17:14.680 --> 00:17:17.000 Uh autonomy, fun, expression. 00:17:17.240 --> 00:17:19.399 They need to be seen, they need to be heard. 00:17:19.639 --> 00:17:22.039 But what skill are they lacking in this moment? 00:17:22.200 --> 00:17:37.559 And the fact that they're a child, and when I say child, I even mean, you know, under 25, because our prefrontal cortex, this front part of our brain here, the one that thinks out consequences and is able to plan, that's not fully developed until you're 25. 00:17:37.960 --> 00:17:50.920 So there's no way your kid is going to be able to think out the consequences of their actions, which is why I really dislike when I see any sort of content when um they're saying that your kid is being manipulative. 00:17:51.159 --> 00:17:53.000 No, they're just trying to get their need met. 00:17:53.079 --> 00:17:59.879 And they're trying to get it met in the only way that they know how or they've been shown to or have learned that it works. 00:18:00.039 --> 00:18:04.680 And so this then goes back to what about the skill of expressing emotions? 00:18:04.920 --> 00:18:11.559 And again, I'm just going to be clear your kid isn't going to be able to have the skill, not fully formed and be the way we want it. 00:18:11.639 --> 00:18:14.440 I, again, when I see content going, use your words. 00:18:14.680 --> 00:18:16.839 Like when kids are angry, use your words. 00:18:17.079 --> 00:18:18.279 No, they're angry. 00:18:18.440 --> 00:18:20.359 They're up here at a seven, eight, nine, ten. 00:18:20.759 --> 00:18:27.639 They're not able to be regulated and connect to that regulated place, which is what I call calm, their window of tolerance. 00:18:27.799 --> 00:18:30.279 They're not able to connect with that and express themselves. 00:18:30.440 --> 00:18:32.200 They're out of their window of tolerance. 00:18:32.359 --> 00:18:34.279 They're out of their rational brain. 00:18:34.440 --> 00:18:39.159 They're not thinking clearly in the same way we are not when we're up at an eight, nine, 10. 00:18:39.319 --> 00:18:52.120 And so, in that, for somebody to say, use your words, uh, it's going to anger them, or I hear that you're angry, uh, or I understand why you're angry, a lot of these words, it can really throw petrol on the fire. 00:18:52.360 --> 00:19:00.039 And again, we want to use the words because we want to let our kid know that we see them, that we hear them, that they matter, that they're validated. 00:19:00.360 --> 00:19:02.440 But is that what our kid needs in that moment? 00:19:02.599 --> 00:19:05.640 Or is that what we needed when we were a child? 00:19:06.360 --> 00:19:06.680 Yeah. 00:19:06.920 --> 00:19:15.640 Because if overall, if overall, for the majority of the time, that you are letting your kid know that you hear them, that you see them, that they matter. 00:19:15.880 --> 00:19:23.720 And how they will know that is that if you listen to them, that if you remember something that they said, if you, if your eyes light up, if you want to be with them. 00:19:23.880 --> 00:19:27.880 And again, not all the time, because I can ask for breaks with my kids. 00:19:28.039 --> 00:19:30.839 I'm like, remember back to the cup of tea, give me five or 10 minutes. 00:19:31.000 --> 00:19:32.360 Or my kids are older now. 00:19:32.440 --> 00:19:33.640 I just need to go up to my room. 00:19:33.799 --> 00:19:35.240 Yeah, I just need a wee break. 00:19:35.319 --> 00:19:37.400 And I'd say my head's busted. 00:19:37.640 --> 00:19:38.839 Yeah, I can say that. 00:19:39.000 --> 00:19:40.039 And there's such a difference. 00:19:40.200 --> 00:19:46.440 Again, parents really struggle with this when they name a need, because then it's like, oh, wait, am I emotionally parentifying my child? 00:19:46.599 --> 00:19:51.559 No, because I'm not asking my kid to emotionally support me and I'm not dumping on them. 00:19:51.799 --> 00:19:53.319 I am telling them the fact. 00:19:53.480 --> 00:19:54.519 My head's busted. 00:19:54.599 --> 00:19:55.960 I'm just going upstairs, right? 00:19:56.039 --> 00:19:57.400 Give me, give me 10 minutes. 00:19:57.559 --> 00:20:03.960 Or, you know, five minutes, no questions, especially in the mornings, if everything is overwhelming, especially when the four of them were home together. 00:20:04.200 --> 00:20:06.920 And I'll be like, okay, I just need five minutes. 00:20:07.720 --> 00:20:08.120 Yeah. 00:20:08.519 --> 00:20:10.839 And I I personally I use the word dysregulate. 00:20:10.920 --> 00:20:12.039 I'm getting dysregulated. 00:20:12.279 --> 00:20:13.079 I don't want to shout. 00:20:13.160 --> 00:20:14.279 I don't want to rupt on anyone. 00:20:14.360 --> 00:20:16.279 I just need five minutes, no

questions. 00:20:17.000 --> 00:20:17.400 Yeah. 00:20:17.799 --> 00:20:19.400 This is how I exist. 00:20:19.960 --> 00:20:25.240 And then also, just as a byproduct of that, I'm teaching the kids how to recognize their own needs. 00:20:25.400 --> 00:20:27.319 Now that is not my goal in those moments. 00:20:27.480 --> 00:20:30.599 My goal in those moments is that I don't want to lose it. 00:20:30.839 --> 00:20:32.599 I don't want to end up shouting and screaming. 00:20:32.680 --> 00:20:34.120 And so I just want to stop. 00:20:34.279 --> 00:20:37.400 And so, what do I need in those moments when I'm overwhelmed? 00:20:37.559 --> 00:20:46.519 And I know that when your kids are little babies, that you can't get this because, you know, when a baby is crying, you just can't tell a baby to stop, they're going to cry. 00:20:46.839 --> 00:20:49.640 And so, again, what might you need in those moments? 00:20:49.799 --> 00:20:53.319 And sometimes it's just, I just need to get through these next few minutes. 00:20:53.480 --> 00:20:55.160 I just need to manage this. 00:20:55.880 --> 00:20:59.960 We also have a skill, as I'm saying that, and there's a skill to ask for help. 00:21:00.120 --> 00:21:06.440 And for a lot of kids that grow up in dysfunctional family systems, that's a skill that was never safe to learn how to develop. 00:21:06.599 --> 00:21:08.120 So we don't know how to ask for help. 00:21:08.279 --> 00:21:14.200 We do all the things ourselves, and then we can become exhausted and resentful for it. 00:21:14.599 --> 00:21:20.680 And so, where do we need to develop that skill, like a muscle build it asking for help? 00:21:21.000 --> 00:21:25.160 But also, where are our kids lacking that skill asking for help? 00:21:25.319 --> 00:21:28.120 This is often where whining comes in when kids whine. 00:21:28.360 --> 00:21:30.120 I can't do blah, right? 00:21:30.200 --> 00:21:33.640 I can't tie my laces, or I can't get the drink, or I'm hungry. 00:21:34.120 --> 00:21:35.799 Okay, what are you asking for? 00:21:36.599 --> 00:21:37.000 Right? 00:21:37.400 --> 00:21:40.039 Like, so there, let's say they're they're struggling with something. 00:21:40.200 --> 00:21:40.839 Do you need help? 00:21:41.079 --> 00:21:41.240 Yeah. 00:21:41.319 --> 00:21:43.240 And if they say, Yeah, okay, tell me what you need. 00:21:43.559 --> 00:21:46.519 Do you see how we're going to help them develop this skill? 00:21:46.839 --> 00:21:48.920 Whereas often we say, Don't whinge. 00:21:49.319 --> 00:21:50.599 Yeah, don't moan. 00:21:50.920 --> 00:21:52.920 Whereas actually, what skill are they lacking? 00:21:53.559 --> 00:21:58.839 And it mightn't just be clear to them, they mightn't understand what it means to clearly ask for help. 00:21:59.000 --> 00:22:07.000 And really, it makes sense if they never hear us asking for help, that they mightn't even just understand enough the language for this. 00:22:07.480 --> 00:22:07.960 Yeah. 00:22:08.200 --> 00:22:09.640 And again, I want to be very

clear. 00:22:09.720 --> 00:22:17.480 There's a difference when you are asking for help than when you are putting the responsibility on to somebody else, you know, so giving somebody else the responsibility. 00:22:17.640 --> 00:22:24.200 So, in terms of your partner, you are not asking for them for their help to mind uh your kids. 00:22:24.279 --> 00:22:25.720 They're their kids too. 00:22:25.960 --> 00:22:26.440 Yeah. 00:22:26.680 --> 00:22:30.759 You are not asking your partner to babysit your kids because they're their kids. 00:22:31.000 --> 00:22:38.599 You are not asking your kids for help to empty the dishwasher because this is their responsibility, because they are part of a team and they live in the house too. 00:22:38.839 --> 00:22:44.759 So when I'm asking, when I'm talking about help, I might ask my kid for help and say, Will you do me a favor? 00:22:44.920 --> 00:22:46.039 Will you get my charger? 00:22:46.360 --> 00:22:48.920 Yeah, if my phone chargers upstairs, let's say. 00:22:49.160 --> 00:22:53.160 That means that they have a space to say no to that because that's a request. 00:22:53.319 --> 00:22:54.680 And I'm like, that's okay. 00:22:54.920 --> 00:22:55.160 Yeah. 00:22:55.319 --> 00:22:57.400 And I do mean that, that that's okay. 00:22:57.799 --> 00:22:58.039 Yeah. 00:22:58.120 --> 00:22:59.640 So I'm very clear. 00:22:59.960 --> 00:23:02.120 So is your kid struggling? 00:23:02.200 --> 00:23:06.839 Like when they're whinging and they can't do something, what help do they need? 00:23:07.000 --> 00:23:08.039 Are you asking for help? 00:23:08.120 --> 00:23:09.000 What do you need here? 00:23:09.160 --> 00:23:10.200 A lot of kids as well. 00:23:10.360 --> 00:23:15.799 They have a it's a skill for flexibility and adaptability, right? 00:23:15.960 --> 00:23:17.880 To be able to adjust. 00:23:18.120 --> 00:23:21.559 And a lot of kids have no problem adjusting if they really want to do the thing. 00:23:21.720 --> 00:23:24.200 Do you want to go for ice cream or do you want to go to your friend's house? 00:23:24.360 --> 00:23:32.680 But there's a lot of kids, especially again when I'm thinking of kids that are neurodivergent, that they really struggle with adjusting with a gear change. 00:23:32.839 --> 00:23:38.519 And so if something is sprung on them, They can have a huge reaction to that. 00:23:38.839 --> 00:23:46.120 And by recognizing that they're lacking a skill, that doesn't mean that we become passive or that they don't have to do the difficult thing. 00:23:46.360 --> 00:23:49.720 It means we're aware of the thing that they're we're struggling with. 00:23:49.880 --> 00:23:53.880 And again, we can strike when the iron's cold and have a conversation around, okay. 00:23:53.960 --> 00:23:57.240 Like I remember, so one of my kids really, really, really, really struggled with this. 00:23:57.400 --> 00:24:02.680 And when they were younger, let's say on a Saturday, if I had to go into town and do the shopping, they hated this. 00:24:02.839 --> 00:24:03.960 Like they hated this. 00:24:04.120 --> 00:24:09.000 They hated, and it didn't matter if I gave them a half an hour's notice, an hour's notice, two hours notice. 00:24:09.160 --> 00:24:11.240 They just didn't want to do this, right? 00:24:11.319 --> 00:24:13.079 They wanted to stay at home and relax. 00:24:13.319 --> 00:24:19.160 And so I could understand that this was a skill, this adjustment they found really, really difficult. 00:24:19.319 --> 00:24:20.839 And I understand that. 00:24:21.240 --> 00:24:25.000 But we still have to go because they were too young to stay at home by themselves. 00:24:25.160 --> 00:24:26.200 And so I would say that. 00:24:26.360 --> 00:24:34.440 And if there ever was an option, so for example, like if Frank's mother was at home, so he he calls her Nana, I'd be going, okay, do you want to go up to Nana's? 00:24:34.599 --> 00:24:35.480 Like that is an option. 00:24:35.559 --> 00:24:38.200 I can see if she's there, or you're going to have to come into town with me. 00:24:38.440 --> 00:24:40.680 And sometimes that option wasn't even there. 00:24:41.000 --> 00:24:42.599 But I'm not bribing him. 00:24:42.759 --> 00:24:44.360 I'm not rewarding him. 00:24:44.599 --> 00:24:46.680 I'm acknowledging that this is difficult. 00:24:46.839 --> 00:24:47.640 This is a skill. 00:24:47.720 --> 00:24:50.599 And I don't have to say it to him, this is a skill that's lacking, right? 00:24:50.680 --> 00:24:52.839 Because that can just throw petrol on the fire. 00:24:53.000 --> 00:24:53.160 Right. 00:24:53.240 --> 00:24:56.519 So this happened, which it did, and this was an ongoing conversation. 00:24:56.759 --> 00:25:01.799 You know, this happens every Saturday when, you know, something happens unexpected and you don't want to do it. 00:25:01.960 --> 00:25:03.240 And he's like, Yeah, I don't want to do it. 00:25:03.319 --> 00:25:04.039 I want to just stay at home. 00:25:04.120 --> 00:25:04.920 And I'm like, you can't. 00:25:05.079 --> 00:25:06.120 That's against the law. 00:25:06.279 --> 00:25:06.519 Right? 00:25:06.599 --> 00:25:08.039 That's not going to happen. 00:25:08.279 --> 00:25:09.000 So what? 00:25:09.079 --> 00:25:12.680 So what I'm thinking, right, think back of the steps with the apology, right? 00:25:12.839 --> 00:25:17.640 I'm not apologizing here, but I am looking at where is he responsible? 00:25:17.799 --> 00:25:19.559 Also, where am I responsible? 00:25:19.720 --> 00:25:24.360 So, for example, have I given, if appropriate, like a period of adjustment? 00:25:24.519 --> 00:25:26.759 Yeah, because that can be really helpful. 00:25:27.160 --> 00:25:28.759 Is he taking responsibility? 00:25:28.920 --> 00:25:29.960 Like, what can you do? 00:25:30.120 --> 00:25:31.559 What do you need in those moments? 00:25:31.720 --> 00:25:33.240 Like, what can be helpful? 00:25:33.480 --> 00:25:39.720 And a lot of the times it was actually that he wanted me to just allow him to be angry and not to fix it.

00:25:39.960 --> 00:25:42.039 And also, I had to hold limits with what that meant. 00:25:42.120 --> 00:25:45.880 You can be angry, but you can't take that out on the rest of the kids or be short with them. 00:25:45.960 --> 00:25:47.160 That is not okay. 00:25:47.480 --> 00:25:54.839 And so this was an ongoing difficulty that we had to manage because this skill, he had not developed it. 00:25:55.000 --> 00:26:03.640 And so we just had to manage this because also his need for autonomy was huge, but he wasn't able to stay at home at those times. 00:26:03.880 --> 00:26:13.240 And so my job in that was to still recognize that, be able to put supports in where needed, but also be the adult. 00:26:14.039 --> 00:26:20.360 Also be the leader and to be able to support him where needed and also hold limits where needed. 00:26:20.680 --> 00:26:25.880 The other thing that kids often struggle with, this skill of empathy and perception. 00:26:26.680 --> 00:26:38.519 They, you know, when I was talking about, I don't know if it was last week or the week before, when I was talking about in terms of apology, and often people with their kids, they rush to say sorry for what you did to your sibling. 00:26:38.599 --> 00:26:39.559 Say sorry. 00:26:39.960 --> 00:26:43.640 But actually, what's more important is are you remorseful? 00:26:43.880 --> 00:26:45.559 Like, are you sorry? 00:26:45.880 --> 00:26:47.319 What are you sorry for? 00:26:47.480 --> 00:26:51.880 And before we even get to that one, it's what do you think of what you did? 00:26:52.360 --> 00:26:53.240 How do you think? 00:26:53.400 --> 00:26:55.880 So let's say this is sibling A and sibling B, right? 00:26:55.960 --> 00:27:00.039 So let's say sibling A takes something or shouts or hits, right? 00:27:00.200 --> 00:27:07.079 We're gonna strike when the iron's cold, remember, and then we're gonna ask them and say, What do you think of what you did? 00:27:07.400 --> 00:27:09.400 Well, they took X, Y, and Z. 00:27:09.799 --> 00:27:10.120 Okay. 00:27:10.839 --> 00:27:17.480 If you took their paper, toy, whatever, how would you feel if they hit you? 00:27:17.960 --> 00:27:21.559 And we're just gonna be curious, we're gonna leave space and see what they come back with their answer. 00:27:21.799 --> 00:27:24.200 Well, I, and even if they're like, Well, I wouldn't have done that. 00:27:24.440 --> 00:27:29.480 Okay, but if you did, because and we're not even I look at me, I was gonna get into it because you've done that before. 00:27:29.559 --> 00:27:31.640 I'm like, no, that mightn't be needed right now. 00:27:31.799 --> 00:27:33.079 But again, we're not perfect. 00:27:33.160 --> 00:27:39.319 This is just about what it looks like when they're lacking these skills and how we can help develop these skills. 00:27:39.640 --> 00:27:42.200 And we can help them develop empathy. 00:27:42.440 --> 00:27:49.000 And often this is something that we really skip across because we don't want to make them feel guilty. 00:27:49.079

--> 00:27:52.680 Whereas guilty is a healthy thing to feel. 00:27:53.160 --> 00:28:02.440 We don't shame them because this is not the whole of them, but their behavior, it's healthy to feel guilty over it because that's how we have remorse. 00:28:03.160 --> 00:28:05.400 So, how would you feel if they done that? 00:28:05.880 --> 00:28:10.120 Or how would you feel if, you know, and name somebody that they like or respect? 00:28:11.319 --> 00:28:13.079 No, that that's not nice, is it? 00:28:14.200 --> 00:28:15.880 And again, we can just leave space for that. 00:28:16.039 --> 00:28:21.880 This urgency to fix, like hopefully that has reduced, or we're beginning to put that down. 00:28:22.920 --> 00:28:27.880 This is the difference when we're able to parent from this regulated camera space. 00:28:28.039 --> 00:28:34.440 We're not holding the responsibility, and especially when it comes to around emotions, because kids won't have the language. 00:28:34.599 --> 00:28:39.559 So oftentimes another skill that they struggle with is expressing their jealousy or envy. 00:28:39.720 --> 00:28:49.319 So think of this when your kids were younger and the other, you know, their sibling got when it's their birthday, they might be envious or jealous, and they might really struggle to express that. 00:28:49.559 --> 00:28:51.799 Of course, they're gonna struggle to express it. 00:28:51.960 --> 00:28:54.200 So that's a skill they're lacking. 00:28:54.440 --> 00:28:57.240 That means we can still hold the limit, right? 00:28:57.319 --> 00:29:08.519 So, whatever the limit is in terms of, you know, they don't get to take all their brother or sister's toys, but we can understand and have empathy that there's a skill that they're lacking. 00:29:08.759 --> 00:29:13.160 And we can also then recognize that this is something that you can build. 00:29:14.120 --> 00:29:21.000 And empathy is such a vital part of existing in community. 00:29:21.240 --> 00:29:24.680 And oftentimes we skip this part, and especially with boys. 00:29:24.920 --> 00:29:30.599 Parents really skip this part with boys because they can punish, and especially fathers. 00:29:30.680 --> 00:29:40.200 And I know I'm being very stereotypical here, but they can want to punish and hold consequences instead of actually developing a skill of empathy. 00:29:40.279 --> 00:29:46.759 And that too is often because they were never brought up in this way where this skill was developed with them. 00:29:46.920 --> 00:29:50.920 And so finally, another skill that kids can lack is attention and focus. 00:29:51.160 --> 00:29:58.599 So often when we ask kids to do something, if they forget and they don't remember and they don't focus or they're looking at something else. 00:29:58.839 --> 00:30:01.559 Again, that's a skill that they're lacking and that's understandable. 00:30:01.720 --> 00:30:06.039 And if your kid is ADHD, that is something that they might struggle with their whole life. 00:30:06.200 --> 00:30:07.960 So, me, I have ADHD. 00:30:08.039 --> 00:30:15.480 I have to be aware that for my attention, that I can, you know, my mind can be distracted. 00:30:15.559 --> 00:30:17.160 And I really do forget things. 00:30:17.240 --> 00:30:26.279 So, structures that and supports that I still need in place is writing things down, is having a big whiteboard for reminders, is lots of reminders. 00:30:26.599 --> 00:30:37.240 And so this is a way to be able to really think and be curious about what need is your child meeting, because always they will be trying to meet a need. 00:30:37.400 --> 00:30:40.680 But that doesn't mean that we forgo the limit or the boundary. 00:30:40.839 --> 00:30:43.799 Remember one limit, one boundary at a time. 00:30:44.200 --> 00:30:46.920 And then also what skill are they lacking? 00:30:47.079 --> 00:30:52.279 And this is not something that we're going to jump in with urgency to try and fix right now. 00:30:52.759 --> 00:30:59.799 This is a curiosity that you have, and this will be ongoing because this will show up in different ways. 00:31:00.039 --> 00:31:03.319 And for you as well, you get to exist in this. 00:31:03.480 --> 00:31:09.000 You are going to have needs and you get to meet them and you get to acknowledge them. 00:31:09.160 --> 00:31:12.839 And that doesn't mean you're taking away from your kid. 00:31:13.079 --> 00:31:17.079 In fact, a lot of the times this is where we can teach empathy. 00:31:17.319 --> 00:31:17.799 Yeah. 00:31:18.039 --> 00:31:25.319 Because our kid will begin to see that we are an adult, that we are not only there to serve them. 00:31:25.559 --> 00:31:32.200 So our kids can be one of the most important things in our lives, but they're not the only important thing. 00:31:32.440 --> 00:31:34.519 I get to exist outside of that. 00:31:34.680 --> 00:31:41.240 I get to have hobbies, I get to have interests, I get to have needs and want to be seen and heard and validated. 00:31:41.400 --> 00:31:44.440 I get to want to play, I get to want to have power. 00:31:44.599 --> 00:31:51.240 All of that gets to exist while still even attuning to my kid and them existing. 00:31:51.480 --> 00:31:53.640 And I can still hold limits. 00:31:54.279 --> 00:31:59.079 But with all of that, I need to be able to feel safe in my own nervous system. 00:31:59.319 --> 00:32:01.880 And I need to be aware of what level I'm at. 00:32:02.039 --> 00:32:04.519 Because again, and I keep coming back to that number. 00:32:04.759 --> 00:32:10.680 When we are above a seven, seven, eight, nine, ten, we need to stop. 00:32:11.079 --> 00:32:11.960 We need to stop. 00:32:12.039 --> 00:32:13.160 And it can take time. 00:32:13.319 --> 00:32:16.759 This part when I'm talking about the difference between needs and skills. 00:32:16.839 --> 00:32:19.799 So what need are the meeting and what skills are the lacking? 00:32:20.120 --> 00:32:23.480 This takes time to be able to figure this out. 00:32:23.960 --> 00:32:25.160 A lot of times it can be hard. 00:32:25.319 --> 00:32:29.079 It can, you know, we really have to get curious as to see what's happening. 00:32:29.240 --> 00:32:33.480 This is, you know, a big part of what we're I do in the community with the cam parent. 00:32:33.640 --> 00:32:36.839 It's to be able to see actually what need is your kid trying to meet? 00:32:37.000 --> 00:32:38.599 What skills are they lacking? 00:32:38.839 --> 00:32:40.920 What, where do they need limits? 00:32:41.240 --> 00:32:44.440 You know, because a need as well is in holding those limits. 00:32:44.599 --> 00:32:47.160 And what do you need in those moments? 00:32:47.559 --> 00:32:47.799 Okay. 00:32:47.960 --> 00:32:57.960 So I hope for you in that, you are maybe able to recognize some of the needs that you have and also the needs that your kids might be trying to meet, and also what skills they are lacking. 00:32:58.120 --> 00:33:00.200 And let me know if there's any questions that you have. 00:33:00.360 --> 00:33:13.160 If there's a particular struggle that you're having with your kid that you would like me to address and answer on the podcast, you can email me, just go to my website, kittymeckenna.ie, and I will bring that into the podcast and hopefully be able to answer your question. 00:33:13.319 --> 00:33:14.839 Okay, slongafole. 00:33:15.160 --> 00:33:15.559 Bye.