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Welcome to the Lucidas podcast where I explore everything because everything is connected to everything else.
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So if you touch one thing, you get to touch them all.
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Um, I want to talk about trees today.
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A quick little bitty about them.
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So it came about because I'm about to complete a chapter in my book that has a good bit to do with trees.
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And then in a totally unrelated or seemingly unrelated event, I was talking to my sister, and all of a sudden I talked started talking about trees and a tree and this lesson that I learned from a tree.
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And I stopped.
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And I wanted to acknowledge all of the many teachers in our world.
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We have human teachers.
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Um, I happen to have more than human teachers: the wind, the water, the sun, the earth, the trees, the butterflies, the flowers, the insects.
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I never quite know.
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And this story I'm about to tell you today comes from a tree.
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It's about two and a half, three years ago, it doesn't matter a few years ago, hiking in the forest, and there had just been some real unraveling happening in relationships.
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And of course, in hindsight, I can see that it needed to happen.
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At the time, it seemed like a just a was a terrible disaster.
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Um, I today I'm so much better at trusting the unraveling of relationships.
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Sometimes it's forever, they unravel never to come back together again.
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I would say meant maybe half the time.
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Um they come back in a similar form, you know, but revised, and then sometimes they come back in a completely new form.
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So there are some relationships that are route unraveling in my life.
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They are very near and dear to me.
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It's very difficult.
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I'm up in the mountains, I'm hiking way back in the mountains.
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And as I'm going along, I suddenly stop.
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I'm kind of in this grove of trees, and it's a place where I had always felt um a kinship, so to speak, but nothing, you know, nothing more than that.
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And I stop and I am suddenly studying the bark of a tree.
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And as I'm studying it, I don't know why.
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I'm just like suddenly stopped and studying it, and then I look down at my hand, and I I look at the palm of my hand, and I look back at the bark, and I kind of look back and forth for a moment.
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And it's almost as like in that moment, like my the lines on my hand became like, you know, the the furrows on the bark.
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Like they were the same.
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And something in me, and then I put both hands in front of me, and it was like these words came, and they were like, you know, this is your life, like your hands are your life, meaning, you know, what you have done with your hands, sort of what you have done in your life is your life.
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Here's your life.
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And I was just kind of noticing the lines on my hands and the lines on the tree bark, and it seemed as though the tree was kind of talking to me.
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Um, but it, you know, also just sort of, or I would say the grove, or just the presence, or who knows what.
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And you know, this is your so I'm just kind of having these thoughts like, oh, this is your life, and just noticing the lines and really kind of noticing the beauty of the palm of the hand and the different lines, and of course, they're unique to each of us, and noticing the beautiful lines on the bark of the tree.
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And then all of a sudden, from nowhere, this word comes, and it's scapegoat.
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And I was like, Oh, that's that's inter scapegoat.
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Like, where why are we what suddenly this you know, word?
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And I just kind of go, um, and then it was like the palms of my hand became readable, so to speak.
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Um, and I could it was like I could see this line through my life where I had been the scapegoat, and it suddenly hit me that I had been many people's scapegoat.
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And in that moment, it was like this fury arose in me, and it just said I didn't even say it aloud, it just said, I will no longer be anyone's scapegoat.
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And I just thought, my God, what have I been caring all my life for so many people who have said that I am their problem, I am the reason for their problem, I am their problem, I am the soul, I am the reason that they feel the way they feel, and I'm responsible for how they feel, and I am the problem.
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And as I stood there, I thought, okay, first of all, I'm done with that, like done with that storyline.
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You know, I'm looking at my hand, I'm like, yeah, we're we're not, we're done with that, done with that, so tired of that.
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But then I thought, but but why, like, why have I been the scapegoat?
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And the first answer that came up was, because you believe it.
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I was willing to believe that I was other people's problem.
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I was willing to believe that I was responsible
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for them.
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I was willing to believe that if I certain if I just behaved a certain way, then they wouldn't have a problem.
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Like it's my fault.
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It's my responsibility that you feel that way about me.
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Or it's my responsibility that you feel, period.
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Like it's it's my responsibility.
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Of course, you can scapegoat me because it's my fault.
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It's my fault, I'm responsible.
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So I believed, I had spent my life believing it's my fault, I'm responsible.
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I'm responsible for you, I'm responsible for everything.
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I'm responsible for anyone's problem.
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It must be my fault.
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It is my fault.
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And then the second thing I thought about, because I I had I know someone in my life who also had been scapegoated a lot, and they are the kindest person I know.
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Kindest person I know.
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I learned so much from them.
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I I respect them immensely, and it it has broken my heart to see the way they've been scapegoated.
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And I just want to shake them and go, don't believe it.
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It's lies.
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And it's like it's like your gentleness and your kindness make you a scapegoat.
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And I thought, well, I'm gonna imagine that I'm probably also a gentle, kind-hearted person.
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And that is also a reason why it can be easy to scapegoat me because I do want people to be okay.
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I I want to be okay, I want people to be okay, I want things to be okay.
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Like I do care, I am concerned.
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But there are moments when it goes too far.
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And so in that moment, I looked at the tree and I looked at the forest and I said, thank you.
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I had no idea that that part of my part of my lifeline, so to speak, part of my life story was being a scapegoat, allowing other people to scapegoat me for their problems.
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Yes, of course, I must be the problem.
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Yes, I am your problem.
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Yes, it is my fault.
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And I just said, no more, no more.
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So when I was talking to my sister today, it was coming up again where it was, it was uh something happened in the last few days, and I just realized, oh my gosh.
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I it it it it didn't, I wasn't being scapegoated again.
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It was something that just dissolved.
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It's hard to explain.
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I'm not gonna get into it.
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There's too many, there's too much, too many other people that are personally involved, and I try to keep this um not about others.
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So it was just that moment where I hadn't taken it, and I was so glad I hadn't, but I could feel like decades of being someone's scapegoat, just washing away, and I was like, oh my god, I'm so glad I don't carry that anymore.
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And I am not their responsibility, and they are not my responsibility, and the way they feel and think are not my responsibility, and I am so glad I'm not their scapegoat any longer.
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And so just is huge relief, and then all of a sudden, today, as I'm finishing this chapter, so much about trees, and I thought there are so many amazing teachers in life, and I really wanted to recognize the trees.
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This is not the first lesson I've gotten from them.
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My mother actually taught me a lesson once from them, and it was so beautiful.
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Um, I'm not gonna even show that because it was honestly one of the most sacred and precious memories I have with her, and she is just she's just an angel for me.
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So, also one of my great teachers.
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So, appreciating all of our teachers today, also appreciating when we learn a lesson to the point where it can just wash over us.
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And we go, oh yes, this is this is what it is.
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This is what it is, and I no longer need to feel the fury.
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And this is something I wasn't gonna speak about, but now I am.
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I have found that anger is so important, and it often, when it when that initial anger comes up, it's often bringing me clarity.
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It's like fire burning away the old, you know, whatever's keeping me from seeing clearly.
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And so I just let it come.
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And I'm like, okay, if I stand here in my anger and fury, what can I see from here with these bright hot eyes?
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And I could see that I had been a scapegoat and I could see why and how, and I could see that I was done.
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So in this moment, a few years later, as you know, as I as I see it, I don't need the rage, I don't need the fury, I don't need the anger, because I already have learned the lesson, and I can say, oh yeah, that isn't mine, you're not my problem, I'm not your problem, and I'm not your scapegoat, you need to find another one, and it can just wash away with great appreciation.
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So that's all.
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I just needed to share that before I move on.
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It felt like important to put that out there.
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So grateful.
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So grateful.
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So blessed.
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Take care, everyone.