Volledige transcriptie van #052: From Single Dad Struggles to Co-Parenting Solutions with Dan Modern

from your, your content, that you're the beginning of your journey, especially as a single father was Rocky. Do you mind kind of walking the audience through that? Dan Modern: 6:39 Yeah, I mean I had a very I mean that's why I started my podcast I had a very rough time with trying to get some custody of my children. So, kind of from the beginning, me and my ex we have two children together and we broke up about I think about like eight years ago at this point, not maybe 10 years ago at this point but, um, we broke up, we got along great for about two years, um, you know, we didn't have any problems. We were raising the girls very, you know, very good. And then I ended up finding, two years later, my now wife, um, and as soon as I found my wife, it really started turning ugly. Uh, I think there was just a lot of jealousy there. She my ex, I think wanted to get back and it just wasn't going to happen, obviously if there was another woman there. So, yeah, it just it. Dan Modern: 7:37 You know it starts off very small. It starts off with, like, you know, the FaceTime calls and she'll hang up and you can't talk to the girls and kind of on her time. It's like if you don't do things on her time, it uh, you know it frustrates them. You can't, I can't see my kids, I can't do this. Dan Modern: 7:53 It got to the point where I had to contact the court and try to get some, because our custody before was just me and her getting along. We were like we'll do this, we'll do that, um. So I had to go to the court and file for some sort of custody and the hard part was they look at dads like I wasn't in my child's life at all or my children's life at all. I had to start from square one. They gave me two days a week for like three hours a day for almost a year maybe, and then it went up to like four days a week and then after six or seven months of that, then it went to a sleepover. So it was very, it was a very slow process and it really affected my girls. Rob Rohde: 8:42 You know, the first thought that comes to my mind is how did this impact your relationship with your daughters as you guys were going through this? Dan Modern: 8:49 Yeah, it's tough. I see it now. You know, both my kids are in therapy. My oldest really had a hard time with it because all the things that she was going through and getting in trouble for saying she had fun at our house, things like that really carried to her. Now my youngest daughter was too young to understand what was going on. So she doesn't really. She has separation anxiety. She has things like that, but not to the like my oldest daughter just doesn't. They would, she wouldn't wear my clothes. They would bring a suitcase every time they came to my house. Dan Modern: 9:23 It was very, very toxic and for kids they don't. They feel like they almost have to pick sides. And my oldest daughter 100% pick sides and it hurts sometimes because it's like man, she doesn't love me, she doesn't say I

love you to me on the phone when I say goodbye. Like there's very, you know hurtful things. But she's a kid and I understand. You know why, why this is happening. I know it's not her fault, but it's. You just have to deal with it and like try to help her realize that you know this isn't her fault, this isn't I don't know, it's just you got to kind of go go with it with her through her journey of of trying to bring her back to reality. I mean, I think it's going to be. It's tough, it's very tough, but it's. I know it's tough for her because she doesn't know. She grew up, you know, being told to lie, being told to do all these things, getting in trouble for having fun at our house, like things like that. So she doesn't really understand, like where to go. Rob Rohde: 10:23 I think the whole process especially when the courts get involved the whole process becomes contrary. It becomes you against me. You know, and we are going through this process of trying to prove our value and how we deserve to be in our kids' lives. But sometimes, as we're going through that process, we end up needing or feeling like we need to almost put down the other side. And it happens that way by just through the process of the courts and everything it really plays into that. And you know I had lawyers involved with my process as well and it was rough and I highly recommend trying to do it without if at all possible. But that's easier said than done. Sometimes you just need to to protect your interests. I totally get that. Rob Rohde: 11:19 But I think it's important for all of us to remember how deep that impact is on our kids and you're talking about that, you know Not just the fact that courts are involved, but the fact that some of the negative things that we say or do in regards to their mom or their dad hurts them. You know we think that it's hurting the other person, but the reality is it's hurting our kids and that's the part that we can't ever kind of take back. We can help walk them through it, but we can't ever go back and take those, those words away. Um, you talked a little bit about this, but do you mind just kind of letting us know? So where are you guys at today, like you and your kids as far as their relationship? Dan Modern: 12:03 So a lot of it is still, you know, lingering around. My kids are still in therapy. Um, my youngest daughter, again, she's very, she's just very good, she's very loving. She was too young to really, you know, understand what was going on in the beginning. Uh, but my oldest daughter, she's getting much better, though there will be days, um, where she's just very loving and it's amazing and I'm just like, oh, thank God she's back, and then she'll have the long stretch with her mom and then come back and it's almost like back to normal. You know, you hit a reset button and it's like, oh man, now we got to work, work through it all again. Dan Modern: 12:51 And that was me and my ex's problem. You know, as much as I would love to not go to court, get along, share the kids, it just wasn't the reality. I think there was just too much anger and jealousy on her part and I don't want to blame it all on her, because during the whole process it's like, you know, if she asked for time or needed something with the girls, you know I would be like, nope, we're following the schedule, we're following what the court gave us, that's what they gave us. You know, that's it and it was, and the only reason I was doing that was to be like, you know, boom, like to get back at her like, nope, we're, we're doing what the court told us to do and that's it. Um, you know there was a lot of I had a lot of anger towards her for everything that happened and what was still happening. So I think that that's a big issue with a lot of couples is they just try to one off the other and and you don't, the kids see everything and they really do. You know, they feel like they have to pick sides, and that's exactly what my kids did and it's just. Dan Modern: 13:56 You know it's tough because parents can't see. It's that you need to put the kids first. You know you need to think about your children the whole time and a lot of parents don't don't do that. You know it's, it's them against the other, and especially when the courts are involved, it's just such a it gets so much messier after that and a lot of dads feel like I felt the same way that the court system really just isn't looking out for the dad, and especially when the mother can make these allegations and all of these things and then you look like the bad guy. Dan Modern: 14:32 You're kind of guilty until proven innocent. It's just it puts the mother as like she's always winning. You know she's throwing those jabs and she's and she's hitting because she can say these accusations and they're immediately you know. Oh perfect, we're going to take away custody of him. He needs to figure. You know what's. What's his issue? Is he abusive? You see this? You see that, um, and I feel like that's what a lot of dads go through. It's so easy for the woman to kind of make up these things and say something and everybody believes it. Rob Rohde: 15:03 Yeah, yeah. Well, you, you share it off air before we. We started that. Things are in a much better place now that you and the, your daughter's mom, have reconciled as far as this aspect of of of parenting and have really gotten to a good place, so I think that's great. Do you mind sharing, like, was there a turning point or was it just a matter of time? How did you get to this place? Dan Modern: 15:31 Definitely a matter of time. I think the turning point where we were both wasting a lot of money on attorneys, um, on all of that stuff we had a mediator, we had to do family therapy, um, we had a lot of things that we not only had to do but had to pay for as well, um, and I think it was just getting to the point where we were both kind of like this needs to stop. Um,

you know my kids now my my oldest is about to be in high school, so my youngest is about to be in middle school, and so we really only have you know, a couple more years left with my oldest and, you know, not too much behind that with my youngest. So, yeah, I think we were kind of just both getting tired of it. I mean, this is, you know, I hope it stays. This is we. We literally talked, you know, about this a couple days ago. So we are very, very freshly new to all this. Dan Modern: 16:26 I've been trying to make it a point where my daughter had a softball game the other day and I went up and talked to their mom and tried to show that me and their mom can get along. We had a great conversation. She ended up signing off child support so that I don't need to pay child support. Me and her will just split the expenses with the girls. Um, and to me that that was that was huge. Um, and yeah, so we're, we're definitely I mean, we're not, you know, we're not, you know best friends, um, but we're getting along right now for the girls and it's just a much better place for both of us for sure. Rob Rohde: 17:09 That's. That sounds great. Uh, I think I love that phrase. We are getting along now for the girls, and that's the thing I mean. You and her might not be best friends, but it sounds like. In spite of that, at least on a certain level, you have decided both of you have decided that it's in the girl's best interest for us to work together on things instead of against each other, and so it was a long battle for you, but congratulations for getting to this point, and fingers crossed that it continues to be cordial, moving forward. Dan Modern: 17:46 But I thank you. Rob Rohde: 17:48 Yeah, I would love to hear more about your podcast. So, in particular, what kind of led you to create a podcast? You talked a little bit about that in your opening comments, but what kind of led you to create a podcast? And also, how do you come up with the name? Daddy issues. Dan Modern: 18:07 Yeah, so, uh, yeah, well, so I was a videographer or still am a videographer, so I have all this equipment. Um, I was going through a very, very rough time. You know I'm definitely sugarcoating over when when we're talking about it, but I there was a lot of alienation, a lot of things that happened, and I was just getting so frustrated because nobody was listening. Nobody was listening to things. I was saying it seemed like whatever she said, just stuck. And then I had to prove my innocence. So one day I was just so fed up with everything and I said I'm going to make a video and put it out there of my situation. And so I did that and everybody was kind of just like shocked that this was happening Because they had heard on her side, you know, how terrible of a dad I was and I was this and I was that. But I never, you know, I never used to go on social media and do that, do that stuff, like say that stuff. So when I made the podcast, I put out my episode and it was just. Everybody was just like blown away and I realized it helped me by just talking about it just to getting my anger out. It was huge. Dan Modern: 19:17 So I was like, oh, maybe I should just start a podcast and I had another buddy who was going through a divorce and he was my co-host in the very beginning and it was just, it was great. We were talking to all these dads and who are going through a very tough time and it seemed to help them to be able to talk about their, their problems. And then when they were listening to other episodes, they were like, oh my God, this guy did this and this helped me here, and so it really was. It seemed to be helping dads and how I got the name it was you know, everyone knows daddy issues from you know women, you know women saying, oh, I have, they have daddy issues. But it was really like dads with issues and yeah, I just I was like, oh man, like, but there's a lot of podcasts out there named Daddy Issues, so I almost regret it. Rob Rohde: 20:05 But Well, it's an intriguing title, though it does draw people to it for sure. I mean it got my attention. So you know, I'm glad you had mentioned that having your own podcast and actually having a forum to kind of talk things out with other men actually helped you and was therapeutic for you. I have found that on my podcast as well, that even just whether it's a solo podcast or in these interviews, it gives me an opportunity to process my thoughts and in an episode like this where I get to actually talk with another man who has, you know, can relate to at least certain aspects of what I went through. Rob Rohde: 20:49 And you know, a lot of what we do is to you know we think it's for other people, but it actually ends up helping us in the process. Dan Modern: 20:59 A lot of dads don't share their feelings, you know, or men in general don't really share their feelings like that. So, you know, when they come on, they're always like, oh my God, this is amazing. You know, this is such a great platform because they they've never really shared their feelings like that. Um, so, to open up and to be able to do that is it feels great. Rob Rohde: 21:18 Oh, yeah, and the one, the one feeling that I would say that dads are good at sharing is anger, but anything else, everything else, is almost like off limits. Dan Modern: 21:28 Yeah. Rob Rohde: 21:29 I know you talk with a lot of single dads by nature of your podcast and your topic. So what are some of the issues, the most common issues, that they're struggling with? Dan Modern: 21:39 Yeah, I mean the two most common really are a lot of a lot of these moms kind of keep the father away. They take the kids and kind of keep the dad away. In the beginning I didn't know my rights so I thought I had to go to court to be able to see my kids. Technically I could have went to their school and got them, but then you put your kids in a weird situation where they don't know

what's going on. Well, I'm keeping you until someone would have to go to court eventually. Dan Modern: 22:08 But I think that a lot of women keep their children away from the dad's phone calls, facetimes, whatever it might be, and make it very hard. And the other is just alienation. They really talk bad about the father to their children and that you know. So the kids don't want to go to dads or whatever it might be. They just think that this man is a, you know, terrible, terrible person, and that's what a lot of these stories on the podcast are. And it's hard man, it's hard to get your kids back from, from something like that. You know, because they love this person that is telling them these bad things about their father or whatever. And it's just their children, you know they absorb everything, but they love you so much that they're want to go to dad's. And then they really get it in their head Like you know dad doesn't like me or I don't like dad. And you know they're going to grow up and it's not going to be easy for them. Rob Rohde: 23:10 Yeah, yeah. So let's take this one step further. So part of why I created this podcast, the Business of being Dad, is to bring an awareness to some of the struggles that single fathers are going through, but I'm also big on what do we do now? What do we do from this point forward, forward? So what would your advice be to some of these dads that are, that are in this place, where they're still in the, they're still in the trenches, they're still fighting for time with their kids, they're still struggling with alienation or, like you were, struggling to just have equal time. What is your advice to them? Dan Modern: 23:55 Yeah, I mean, obviously, you know, keep fighting no matter what. But it's tough because I would say, try to get along with your ex as much as you can. I mean I know in my case I really did. In all my emails and everything I sent I really was trying to get along. I didn't say anything negative, trying to do it for our girls. And six years later it took a long time and it wasn't easy. But if you can get along and just make the process easy or easier, it really does help. Dan Modern: 24:32 I know with women they feel like they have the power. When they go to court, when they get child support, when they get alimony, when they get all these things where you're forced to having to pay and having to do these, you know they almost feel like, well, gotcha, you know I still have control. But yeah, I mean, you know I tell people if there is no chance of getting along with them and trying to be cordial before court, I would say record everything and by that not like phone calls or anything like that, but like emails, text messages, do things where everything is written down and you can show to a judge and don't go back and forth with little petty games. If she's going to say something negative, just be like okay, this is about our kids, I'm not going to say anything negative

to you. That will definitely help you and go a long way, but it's a tough road. It's a tough road because if your ex just isn't willing to cooperate with you, it can be a fight and it's not fun. Rob Rohde: 25:39 Yeah. So just to recap, what I'm hearing is that, first and foremost, try your best to get along with your ex and to be cordial and to work with them, but also be willing to play the long game. Dan Modern: 25:57 I mean you took. Rob Rohde: 25:58 it took you eight years. And so you know, I think sometimes we need to be willing to do the right thing, regardless of the response we get. And I think that's basically what you're saying. You know, just do what's right and over time that will serve us well. Rob Rohde: 26:17 And you know you didn't necessarily mention this, but I know, I know you, you agree with this that our kids see the way we respond and over time they are going to recognize that we are not, if we are not talking, ever saying anything bad about their mom, if we are not getting in the way of her time with them, you know, and if we are being talking, ever saying anything bad about their mom, if we are not getting in the way of her time with them, you know, and if we are being cordial, they're going to see that and they're also going to see the other side, and so I think that's great. And then the kind of the final tip was also protect yourself, right, because we do have rights. And so you know, keep track of, you know, keep copies or keep track of the conversations that have taken place and make sure that we're protecting ourselves. Dan Modern: 27:03 Yeah, and and it's just. It's just hard, man, because you know I really was. When I'm telling you everybody this, like, that's how I acted. I never said anything negative, I didn't do any of that, but it did take me six years in court to finally get to where I am now. So you know it's not an easy road and you know even the things that you present to the judge, they might not, you know, do anything. So you know it's tough. I mean I guess the biggest thing is just stay in your kids' lives, no matter what. You know it's hard, but your kids will see it and appreciate it in the long run. I mean, I have dads that come on the podcast and break down about their dads and what they, what they went through, and thinking that their mom, their dad, just left them. And it wasn't really the case. The mom did what moms nowadays do and you know all of that trauma and stuff carries with you to adulthood and forever, especially if you don't get those answers. Rob Rohde: 28:01 So yeah and again. These are the types of things that a lot of people aren't talking about. You know, it kind of gets pushed under under the rug. Before we close, I just want to ask you what do you feel are some of the most common misconceptions about fathers, and single fathers in particular? Dan Modern: 28:22 Uh, I mean, some common ones would probably be like that. You know that

we're all deadbeats and you know we don't want our kids, but we wouldn't be fighting this hard for our kids if we, if we, didn't want them. Um, I, I think it's very tough as well, as like when you have 50-50 custody and you're also paying child support but then you also have to pay for your house and the kids when they're with you. It's very, very difficult and I don't think a lot of people realize that. Dan Modern: 28:50 I just had a guy on the other day like really breaking down child support and what it's all about and how it became, and that was a really good episode. But yeah, it's tough, it's it's really tough. It's like, yeah, it's, it's it's really tough to do that and still maintain your job and your. You know everything that you're doing. Especially, a lot of guys will end up moving out and leave the mother, you know, with the kids, with the house, so that they're thinking about the family, they're thinking about the kids I know you don't want to take them out of wherever they are and then the dad kind of has to start over and you know they're thinking. The fathers are thinking about their children at that point. Rob Rohde: 29:32 Well, this is all great stuff. I really appreciate you taking the time to be here. Why don't you let people know where they can find out more about you? Dan Modern: 29:47 Yeah Well, thank you so much for having me on and I am over at Daddy Issues, the Truth for Apple Podcasts, spotify, youtube, tiktok, all of that, and yeah, we just kind of the same thing. We share different dad stories. Other dads can listen and take something away from it, hopefully to help them in their whatever they're going through. Rob Rohde: 30:03 I will make sure to link to all of that in the show notes. And so amazing. Thank you so much, Dan. I just want to give you an opportunity to say anything that you would like to your kids. So if you could tell them anything, what would that be? Dan Modern: 30:19 If I could tell my kids anything, it would probably be I'm sorry. I'm sorry for kind of what I put them through, Sorry for yelling at them when I was really the angry one and it wasn't really their fault. It would probably just be I'm sorry, it wasn't really their fault. Rob Rohde: 30:37 Wow, what a great message to share with your kids. Two simple words I'm sorry. That's powerful, Dan. Thank you so much. It's been a pleasure, awesome. Thank you so much for having me. Thank you for joining us for the business of being dad podcast. If you found value in today's episode, I encourage you to share it with a friend who could benefit from our discussions on fatherhood, leadership and legacy. Together, let's build a community of like-minded men who embrace ownership, commit to growth and make an impact. And now, before we go, remember greatness is within your reach. So stay strong, stay focused and create your legacy. I'm Rob Rohde and you've been listening to the Business of being Dad, where fatherhood meets success. See you in the next episode.