UDSKRIFT 🔗
WEBVTT
00:00:00.201 --> 00:00:03.229
Hi guys, welcome to Subconsciously.
00:00:03.229 --> 00:00:08.932
My name is Shea and this is a place where I let my subconscious thoughts do the talking.
00:00:08.932 --> 00:00:27.446
Hi guys, welcome back to another episode of Subconsciously! It is February.
00:00:27.446 --> 00:00:34.694
It is currently the third, which means Jazz's podcast takeover came out last week.
00:00:35.359 --> 00:00:36.926
How good was that podcast takeover.
00:00:36.926 --> 00:00:38.805
I loved it.
00:00:38.805 --> 00:00:40.466
Honestly, I would do it again.
00:00:40.466 --> 00:00:48.103
I would do it over and over and over and over again, do it again, I would do it over and over, and over and over again.
00:00:48.103 --> 00:00:49.506
And I kind of want in the future to do more podcast takeovers.
00:00:49.506 --> 00:00:58.311
One to give my subconscious a little bit of time to absorb the perspectives and absorb just the world in general.
00:00:58.311 --> 00:01:05.150
But it's also very nice to get different perspectives of what's going on in every person's subconscious mind.
00:01:05.150 --> 00:01:12.521
Yes, it's fun to pick my brain, but it's even more fun when it's a different voice and a different perspective.
00:01:12.521 --> 00:01:14.963
But, alas, here we are.
00:01:14.963 --> 00:01:21.472
Welcome back to me, your host of this podcast.
00:01:22.034 --> 00:01:31.510
The one thing that caught my eye from the last podcast episode actually transcended into what I'm currently obsessed with.
00:01:31.510 --> 00:01:38.551
So, Jazz was talking about; If you haven't listened to that episode, I highly recommend you listen to that episode.
00:01:38.551 --> 00:01:41.722
It's so good, dives into many different things.
00:01:41.722 --> 00:01:49.308
But the one thing that she mentioned in that episode, it actually healed a part of my inner child, which is amazing.
00:01:49.308 --> 00:01:54.402
So I recently wanted to start getting back into anime.
00:01:54.402 --> 00:01:57.188
Yes, you heard that correctly.
00:01:57.188 --> 00:02:00.034
So she was mentioning Fruits Basket.
00:02:00.034 --> 00:02:19.408
So I'm currently in the middle of re-watching it, after years of not watching it, and I'm falling back in love and realizing why I love that anime so much and I realize half of my personality and half of the life lessons that I've implemented into my life truly come from that show.
00:02:19.408 --> 00:02:27.133
There may or may not be some spoilers, but if you have not watched it, I recommend that you watch it.
00:02:27.133 --> 00:02:29.564
It is so good, so good.
00:02:30.066 --> 00:02:40.947
Anyways, if you didn't hear from that podcast episode, she's a Yuki stan and I'm a Kyo stan and at first I was like no, I get it.
00:02:40.947 --> 00:02:47.096
I understand the Yuki stan, you know, I get it, I understand it.
00:02:47.096 --> 00:02:49.568
Has that changed my mind in any type of way?
00:02:49.568 --> 00:02:54.721
No, no, it has not.
00:02:54.721 --> 00:02:59.865
I think I realized I'm still a Kyo stan, I love Kyo.
00:03:02.106 --> 00:03:13.055
But let's just say this man has the lowest EQ of any, any person I've ever met, even though it's a character, you know?
00:03:13.055 --> 00:03:17.097
But I just want to dive in to why I love this man so much.
00:03:17.097 --> 00:03:28.941
Okay, how do I even start this?
00:03:28.941 --> 00:03:32.286
Okay, for one: I don't know why brutally honest people, but the dumb type of honesty really gets me in a character.
00:03:32.286 --> 00:03:44.890
But what really gets me truly about Kyo's character is the fact that even if he gets ragey, even when he's out of pocket at the most random times, he still internalizes it.
00:03:44.890 --> 00:03:56.322
He still reflects on it, and we love a man that reflects for one.
00:03:56.322 --> 00:04:07.540
But for two: the reason why I'm mentioning this is I'm going to dive into this one scene that I just watched, like literally before I started recording, I finished an episode and this analogy really stuck with me.
00:04:07.540 --> 00:04:30.002
And in order for me to dive into that analogy, I have to tell you this man has the lowest social EQ, lowest emotional intelligence, but the way he's learning, the way he's just going, I don't even know how to describe it to you, I don't.
00:04:30.523 --> 00:04:38.781
So, for example, within this show, there is a little subplot that Kyo is jealous of Yuki.
00:04:38.781 --> 00:04:47.196
Yuki is jealous of Kyo for xyz amount of reasons, of what they want in their lives, right?
00:04:47.196 --> 00:04:56.350
And Tohru is using this analogy to show that they do have admirable qualities.
00:04:56.350 --> 00:05:01.884
And the analogy was that everyone is a rice ball right?
00:05:01.884 --> 00:05:06.661
And in the middle of their back, or on the back of the rice ball, there's a plum.
00:05:06.661 --> 00:05:20.045
Or the world is full of different shapes on the back, or different colors on the back, or different fruits, or different vegetables or different proteins, it doesn't matter, right, everyone has something different on their rice ball.
00:05:20.045 --> 00:05:25.149
But the thing is that rice ball cannot see it because obviously it's in the middle of your back.
00:05:25.149 --> 00:05:26.163
How can you see it?
00:05:26.163 --> 00:05:26.646
Right?
00:05:26.646 --> 00:05:35.189
Probably everyone else around you can see that amazing shape, color, food in your back, those traits, those qualities that you cannot see.
00:05:36.000 --> 00:05:56.324
And she was pretty much telling Kyo that all those things that you're wanting, all those things that you're jealous of, all those things that you want in your life, that you admire about Yuki, even though you're so low in your emotional and social intelligence.
00:05:56.324 --> 00:06:16.432
The way she dumbed it down for him was that he was a rice ball with a plum in his back and he said it was the most stupidest analogy he's ever
Load full transcript
heard and he got super ragey and he ended up Immediately being like I can see the plum in your back, you know, immediately, kind of turning it back to her.
00:06:16.432 --> 00:06:31.516
He literally said he's so embarrassed, he's so red and he's just like I can see the plum on your back, meaning he can see the qualities that she doesn't see in herself.
00:06:32.165 --> 00:06:38.076
And no matter what you're feeling, oh my gosh to have someone say they see you.
00:06:38.076 --> 00:06:52.244
Oh my gosh, because I remember in my life when there was a person who I admired so much and that I cared for so much and I pretty much loved this person.
00:06:52.244 --> 00:07:23.812
When they finally say that they see you, that they see what you've done, when they see the hard work and everything that just hits, you know and just, oh, that scene just got me and the whole premise of that scene alone was that how can you be jealous of what another person has, or what another person is going through, or something that they have that you don't have, that you admire but you can't have?
00:07:23.812 --> 00:07:34.634
Or you know they're doing something that you want to do but you're not in the circumstance to do it, all these little minuscule things that you potentially might be jealous of.
00:07:34.634 --> 00:07:39.151
Or you might look at yourself and be like I'm so boring, I have nothing going for me.
00:07:39.151 --> 00:07:45.716
I have nothing, but you look on the back of them and they got a freaking plum on them.
00:07:45.716 --> 00:07:50.076
You know they got that amazing trait that probably someone else is jealous of.
00:07:50.076 --> 00:08:05.411
And if that analogy helps you in realizing that you are not boring, you have a different interest in someone else, or you have an amazing talent that no one else has, or you are gifted with an ability that not a lot of people have.
00:08:05.411 --> 00:08:06.935
Share your gift.
00:08:06.935 --> 00:08:26.971
You don't have to sit there and be jealous and sometimes it just takes a one-on-one person to let you know "hey, I see you, I see those traits and I think the reason why that analogy so far because I'm still watching has hit me the most and I've cried already.
00:08:26.971 --> 00:08:32.336
We're not even like half into the season and I've already cried multiple times.
00:08:32.336 --> 00:08:39.995
But I think the reason why that one hit for me was because we're going to get into the deep things now.
00:08:39.995 --> 00:08:42.525
Okay, we're just going to lay it all out.
00:08:42.986 --> 00:08:44.850
I have not been mentally well.
00:08:44.850 --> 00:08:52.413
I'm trying to see the good in things, I'm trying to understand and I'm trying to not numb myself down.
00:08:52.413 --> 00:08:58.154
I'm trying to let my feelings be feelings, I'm letting myself be myself.
00:08:58.154 --> 00:09:08.792
But what I'm truly struggling with at the moment is finding that purpose in myself, finding those good things that I have in me and I don't know why.
00:09:08.792 --> 00:09:18.798
As you get to understand me through this podcast, you'll understand that I'm a very giving person, or at least the people in my life know I'm a very giving person.
00:09:19.865 --> 00:09:25.638
If I could let you borrow something for a month, two months, three months, I'll give it to you.
00:09:25.638 --> 00:09:32.038
If you say you want water, I'll gladly go search for so long to go find it.
00:09:32.038 --> 00:09:34.429
There are so many things.
00:09:34.429 --> 00:09:41.735
For example, if you got a show, I'm that person that's down to go, something that's making you anxious.
00:09:41.735 --> 00:09:45.094
I'm that person that you can talk to and I see you.
00:09:45.094 --> 00:09:46.779
I see that you're struggling.
00:09:46.779 --> 00:09:48.605
I see that you're going through something.
00:09:48.605 --> 00:09:49.809
I see it.
00:09:49.809 --> 00:09:51.695
I see you doing your best.
00:09:51.695 --> 00:09:55.825
I see you in everything that you do, even if you don't realize that.
00:09:55.825 --> 00:10:00.615
I have already observed it and I've seen your patterns and all these things.
00:10:01.216 --> 00:10:09.657
But it's something that I didn't really realize because my mental well-being has been so low.
00:10:09.657 --> 00:10:13.832
I realized I can't give as much, because how can you pour from an empty cup?
00:10:13.832 --> 00:10:24.158
But, on a real note, I felt like I had this big, big gallon jug and I pretty much was poured out.
00:10:24.158 --> 00:10:32.195
I gave all that I could and I'm left with maybe a couple drops to give to myself.
00:10:32.195 --> 00:10:35.926
And in the way that I see it, it's not necessarily a bad thing.
00:10:35.926 --> 00:10:40.017
But I realize I don't really have much left.
00:10:40.017 --> 00:10:49.337
I don't have much left to offer or at least it feels that way the way I look at this water jug and that I only have a couple drops left.
00:10:49.337 --> 00:10:53.533
If I could give that to someone right now, I would.
00:10:53.533 --> 00:11:05.115
If it means that that other person can survive longer, or if it means that they have a better quality of life from it or they have something, I'll have done my job.
00:11:05.115 --> 00:11:07.461
I will feel like I have purpose.
00:11:08.043 --> 00:11:17.080
But in recent circumstances within my life, I feel like I don't have much of a purpose to give.
00:11:17.080 --> 00:11:20.753
And I don't, I don't know how to progress.
00:11:20.753 --> 00:11:24.865
Noticing other people progressing, you know?
00:11:23.759 --> 00:11:33.259
I'm trying to not be envious or jealous or feel like why them and not me, why, why?
00:11:33.259 --> 00:11:50.231
And I feel like, because I'm trying so hard not to do that to myself, I'm suppressing it and because of that I went into this conversation with a friend and I was just telling them that I just don't feel like me.
00:11:50.231 --> 00:11:52.956
I'm just, I feel sad.
00:11:52.956 --> 00:11:56.239
I feel like what do I have now?
00:11:56.239 --> 00:11:57.701
What purpose do I have?
00:11:57.701 --> 00:12:03.374
Like, yes, I have X, y, z, I am doing a pod.
00:12:03.374 --> 00:12:04.495
Yeah, I have a job.
00:12:04.495 --> 00:12:07.607
Yeah, I have all these things, but why do I still feel like that?
00:12:07.607 --> 00:12:10.934
Why do I feel like I am numbing myself?
00:12:10.934 --> 00:12:17.765
Why do I feel like a robot?
00:12:17.765 --> 00:12:19.990
Like every single day is the same?
00:12:19.990 --> 00:12:20.692
Why do I feel like giving up?
00:12:20.712 --> 00:12:24.687
You know, it was like such a hard pill to swallow because this person literally said "how are you?
00:12:24.687 --> 00:12:25.568
You don't?
00:12:25.568 --> 00:12:27.052
You don't seem like yourself.
00:12:27.052 --> 00:12:32.506
" And honestly, I didn't feel like it either and I didn't know how to go back to it.
00:12:32.506 --> 00:12:35.990
I didn't know how to be that optimistic person.
00:12:35.990 --> 00:12:44.681
Or if, because I felt like I didn't have a purpose, that right into the toilet.
00:12:44.760 --> 00:12:56.941
You know, just everything that I was feeling, everything that I was suppressing, now just comes out when I finally hear something or digest it finally.
00:12:56.941 --> 00:13:06.311
Whether that's the problem, whether that is a person, whether that's an emotion or a circumstance, or financial or whatever it may be.
00:13:06.311 --> 00:13:19.130
I found that when other people were in that motion of working towards that goal, because I was numbing it so much and because I wasn't really feeling anything, I would just cry.
00:13:19.130 --> 00:13:34.767
But that crying would have no purpose to it, no emotion to it, like I don't know if anyone's ever been there where I don't know if it's apathy, I don't know if it's numbness, I don't know.
00:13:34.767 --> 00:13:50.138
But it could be a mix of apathy and depression, it could be a lot of mixed things, but it just felt like, no matter what I did, no matter what I had to offer, it wasn't good enough.
00:13:50.138 --> 00:13:52.019
It didn't feel good enough.
00:13:52.019 --> 00:14:10.697
And due to that feeling, due to that mentality, I have found myself not wanting to be around a lot of people and I've also found myself really straying from the things that I used to love.
00:14:10.697 --> 00:14:21.625
And so that's why it's a little ironic that in the beginning of this I'm laughing and I'm just so excited about Fruits Basket and I'm healing my inner child and I'm so close.
00:14:21.625 --> 00:14:30.649
But as that is the surface level, as we get deeper into my subconscious here, internally, I don't feel anything.
00:14:31.191 --> 00:14:36.687
Honestly, if it wasn't for the fact that I had a pod, I don't think I would even be speaking right now.
00:14:36.687 --> 00:14:40.236
I think I would just be curled up somewhere, and that's fine with me.
00:14:40.236 --> 00:14:44.914
And I'm trying not to rob myself of joy.
00:14:44.914 --> 00:14:52.071
I'm trying not to rob myself of growing and rob myself of experiences.
00:14:52.071 --> 00:14:55.597
But have you ever felt stuck, genuinely stuck?
00:14:55.597 --> 00:15:04.587
Like you know you're doing the right things, you're doing what is asked of you, you're doing what is meant for you.
00:15:04.587 --> 00:15:06.871
You're doing everything.
00:15:06.871 --> 00:15:24.653
You may be getting a good routine down, you might be going to the gym constantly, you might be eating healthy, you might be surrounding yourself with new people, you might be going to different functions, you might just be the ideal person that society loves.
00:15:24.653 --> 00:15:28.725
But have you found that society has trapped you a little bit?
00:15:29.245 --> 00:15:45.075
Because, for me, I feel like that is where I'm at and because I'm slowly backing into that, I don't really have a way out and I'm slowly but surely not digging myself into a grave.
00:15:45.075 --> 00:15:51.037
But I'm definitely being cornered into a cage, and not one of those cages that are like you know.
00:15:51.037 --> 00:15:53.144
It's a white wall, it's a prison.
00:15:53.144 --> 00:15:57.116
No, I'm talking like iron bars.
00:15:57.116 --> 00:15:59.028
You can see the outside world.
00:15:59.028 --> 00:16:00.232
It feels so close to you.
00:16:00.232 --> 00:16:07.416
You can stick your arm out, but you can't reach it because obviously you've got short, stubby arms.
00:16:07.416 --> 00:16:08.317
If you're me.
00:16:08.317 --> 00:16:10.025
and
00:16:10.025 --> 00:16:22.755
And that's how I'm feeling right now now, I feel like I've been caged and I've just kept going backwards into societal norms and all these things where I feel like they've shut the gate on me.
00:16:22.755 --> 00:16:27.216
I feel like I'm sticking my arm out just begging for a drop of water.
00:16:27.216 --> 00:16:33.717
I am in this place that I feel like there's no escape .
00:16:33.717 --> 00:16:41.552
it's so scary because I look at myself and I'm not that person.
00:16:40.951 --> 00:16:43.017
I'm not that person to feel like this is it, you know?
00:16:43.017 --> 00:16:47.125
But it, as of recently, it has really been gnawing at me.
00:16:47.125 --> 00:17:06.313
And because it's been gnawing at me so hard and I haven't been in the best place to explain that to anyone I feel like because I'm doing it to myself and because I feel so backed up in the cage, I feel like that other person doesn't see those qualities in me.
00:17:06.313 --> 00:17:08.117
They don't see that plum on my back.
00:17:08.117 --> 00:17:13.608
If I could pick that plum on my back and give it to that person, I have already done it.
00:17:14.049 --> 00:17:21.579
And it's so hard because I know, I know so much that that is not what I want to be.
00:17:21.579 --> 00:17:22.904
I know I don't want to be.
00:17:22.904 --> 00:17:25.248
I don't want to be a label.
00:17:25.248 -->
00:17:39.281
I don't want to be labeled as oh, you have depression, oh, you have anxiety, oh, you are spiritually drained, you are worthless, you are ordinary.
00:17:39.281 --> 00:17:43.192
Oh my gosh, I had that in my head.
00:17:43.192 --> 00:17:54.228
My biggest fear is that someone's just going to say I'm ordinary, that there's nothing special about me, that my little quirks aren't fun to be around.
00:17:54.228 --> 00:17:59.718
I feel like a bubble of sadness and that is a horrible feeling.
00:17:59.718 --> 00:18:09.611
And because of that bubble of sadness I feel like the label's coming and it's so scary because I'm trying to just let it be what it is.
00:18:09.611 --> 00:18:15.846
But it's hard to let it be what it is when you're in the thick of it.
00:18:15.846 --> 00:18:29.602
And I'm really, really trying to see this bright light and see the end of this tunnel that I've been digging and digging to get through and just see what blessing is on the way.
00:18:29.664 --> 00:18:46.455
But I just, if I'm very honest, as of recently, being very, completely, completely vulnerable, I haven't seen it in a while and I was telling, I was telling Jazz, actually I don't like being the sad friend.
00:18:46.455 --> 00:18:48.136
It makes me feel awful.
00:18:48.136 --> 00:19:02.563
It makes me feel awful in a room full of happy people to be the sad, depressing bubble in the corner and not know what to do with that, because everyone wants to see you, everyone wants to be around you, everyone thinks you're okay.
00:19:02.563 --> 00:19:08.714
But, being completely vulnerable and completely honest, I don't feel that way and I'm not.
00:19:08.714 --> 00:19:12.907
I'm truly not trying to put myself in a bubble.
00:19:12.907 --> 00:19:35.909
I'm just being so completely real that it's okay not to be okay and that being the sad friend doesn't necessarily mean that you are a burden or that you are a problem, because that's how I've been feeling and trying to process that and I promise when I figure it out, don't worry, there'll be an episode on it.
00:19:36.691 --> 00:19:47.057
But I haven't figured it out yet because I'm 22 and I'm only two years old in adult years and I literally had that thought on the street as I'm trying to process my emotions.
00:19:47.057 --> 00:19:51.048
But I'm doing my job, I'm doing everything and I realized I'm just a kid.
00:19:51.048 --> 00:19:53.834
That I'm so young, you know?
00:19:53.834 --> 00:20:04.049
And just having, going back to the "I see you, having a person say "I see you.
00:20:04.049 --> 00:20:08.455
" I think, when I'm struggling, having a person say that they see you.
00:20:08.455 --> 00:20:10.920
For me I am.
00:20:10.920 --> 00:20:12.626
I don't want to cry.
00:20:12.626 --> 00:20:19.857
Having a person say that they see you, not just they see you because you are down.
00:20:19.857 --> 00:20:23.131
Let's just say someone said that to me.
00:20:23.531 --> 00:20:52.759
Having someone come to that realization that their friend or their partner or their sibling or their co-worker or whoever it may be, having that person say that they see your goodness, that they see your faithfulness and your loyalty, and that they see how hard you're trying and they see you, despite what you're feeling, despite what you're going through.
00:20:52.759 --> 00:21:00.626
They see you as a whole and if they're choosing to see your goodness, they're choosing to see your goodness.
00:21:00.626 --> 00:21:37.791
It makes me cry because again, going back to like grief episode and my therapist back then telling me it's all about the little victories, having someone cheer you on in noticing your victories, having someone notice that even in the worst of circumstances, that you're still trying, that you're showing up for them, even through that hardship, something just clicks in my brain because then it's like all those times that I help someone they recognize that in me?
00:21:37.791 --> 00:21:40.112
They see that in me?
00:21:40.271 --> 00:21:42.731
Damn, I'm being so vulnerable right now.
00:21:42.731 --> 00:21:46.454
They can see the plum in my back that I can't see.
00:21:46.454 --> 00:21:49.513
That quality that I'm bullying myself for?
00:21:49.513 --> 00:21:52.453
Maybe they see my purpose, that I don't.
00:21:52.453 --> 00:22:12.519
Having someone take notice that you have just as many good qualities as they do just gets to me on a very personal level because, it also means that all that hard work, all the water you gave out from your gallon jug didn't go to waste.
00:22:14.126 --> 00:22:21.971
And I think for me, it's a little bit harder because I'm not the type of person to ask for it.
00:22:21.971 --> 00:22:24.356
I don't ask people to see me.
00:22:24.356 --> 00:22:32.032
I don't ask them to give me anything because, honestly, if they want to spend time with me, that's enough, you know?
00:22:32.032 --> 00:22:44.435
But it's funny, even if I miss somebody, even if I want to see someone, it's hard for me to do that, it's hard for me to reach out and hard for me to say I miss them.
00:22:44.435 --> 00:22:57.818
It's hard for me to get over myself and I don't know if it's because I have that fear that I'm going to have no water again or whether I'm scared they're going to say I see you, but not for the good things.
00:22:57.818 --> 00:23:04.863
And I feel like I've been excommunicating myself from a lot of people who genuinely don't deserve it.
00:23:04.863 --> 00:23:06.607
But also I don't feel close.
00:23:06.607 --> 00:23:10.778
I feel very on the outside, looking in, and I'm just trying to get through it.
00:23:11.204 --> 00:23:12.968
Damn, let's turn this pod around.
00:23:12.968 --> 00:23:16.994
Oh, my gosh, anyways, yeah, Fruits Basket.
00:23:16.994 --> 00:23:32.095
These are just one of the many analogies that have been placed in me and I'm trying, I'm trying really hard to not be jealous, to be content, to push myself to not feel so numb, and I don't know how to
change it.
00:23:32.095 --> 00:23:37.655
If I'm honest, I don't know if this is the best episode to watch, if you're feeling this already.
00:23:37.655 --> 00:23:46.098
But another thing is having someone say to you, you"I I think what you're feeling is you're just lacking purpose.
00:23:46.098 --> 00:23:52.315
Oh man, having someone say to you"you're you're just lacking .
00:23:52.315 --> 00:24:04.114
", whether that be in a harsh way b ut But when someone says that, when they see what you're going through and they say,"I I think what you're feeling is that you're lacking purpose.
00:24:04.114 --> 00:24:22.230
", that hits dude, that hurts so hard to have someone that you love tell you and read you like a book and say"I I think what you're feeling is that you're lacking purpose, freaking, hit, hit me.
00:24:22.230 --> 00:24:32.295
And the worst part is, if they are right, if they're reading your book correctly, and they see that and they say that to you, how do you change it?
00:24:33.696 --> 00:24:38.334
This isn't, by the way, this podcast episode is not a give advice episode.
00:24:38.334 --> 00:24:40.930
This is definitely a it's in my brain.
00:24:40.930 --> 00:24:41.893
I need to let it out.
00:24:41.893 --> 00:24:43.178
Welcome to Subconsciously.
00:24:43.178 --> 00:24:50.554
But I'm genuinely asking someone now who's gone through it or who's felt it, how do you find it?
00:24:50.554 --> 00:24:56.854
How do you find something that you apparently, or so-called, lack?
00:24:56.854 --> 00:24:58.861
How do you get passionate again?
00:24:58.861 --> 00:25:00.906
How do you fall in love again?
00:25:00.906 --> 00:25:03.134
How do you find purpose?
00:25:03.134 --> 00:25:24.892
And I know everyone has a different method of finding purpose, and I think the one thing that's draining me about where I'm at right now is that I don't quite know what my purpose is, or why my purpose is to give so much to others but not wanting to give it to myself.
00:25:24.984 --> 00:25:27.453
I don't know why I can't be selfish.
00:25:27.453 --> 00:25:31.765
I don't know why I can't be my own cheerleader.
00:25:31.765 --> 00:25:36.862
I don't know why I'm waiting for someone to say "I see you in order for me to feel good about it.
00:25:36.862 --> 00:25:39.204
I don't know why.
00:25:39.204 --> 00:25:46.090
I don't know what I'm waiting for either, but I guess what I'm trying to get at is I haven't found that plum in my back yet.
00:25:46.090 --> 00:25:51.547
I haven't looked, I haven't reversed myself and looked in a mirror and said, "oh, there it is.
00:25:52.087 --> 00:26:00.440
I think I'm just scared that I may not find it and I know I'm only 22 and you're gonna be like girl you're so young.
00:26:00.440 --> 00:26:07.772
Girl, it's It's too early to know and talk about purposes and all these things, but I'm just someone who wants to figure it out.
00:26:07.772 --> 00:26:19.746
I don't like waiting for something like that to be found, because I'm finding, with people that I'm surrounded with or I'm cheering on, they have their purposes already.
00:26:19.746 --> 00:26:25.038
They are being a light to so many people and sharing their purpose with others.
00:26:25.038 --> 00:26:32.298
And I don't feel it, I don't see it and I'm trying so hard to keep my faith.
00:26:32.298 --> 00:26:48.511
I'm trying so hard to keep my trust, but right now, in this stage of my life, and hopefully by next episode, it will be completely changed and that I'll be able to "Guys Guys, I had this revolutionary conversation and it was this easy.
00:26:48.511 --> 00:26:56.275
But in this current moment of emotion, I don't feel that and I really want to.
00:26:56.275 --> 00:26:58.673
I want to see what everyone else sees.
00:26:58.673 --> 00:27:01.314
I want to be passionate the way other people are passionate.
00:27:01.314 --> 00:27:07.694
I want to get it and I know I will, and I need to just have faith that it will work out.
00:27:08.144 --> 00:27:22.162
But lately I've just been with me, and that shouldn't be such a sad statement either, that I've only been with me, because being with me is not a sad thing, and it shouldn't be, and I shouldn't be sad.
00:27:22.162 --> 00:27:29.338
But also telling myself that I shouldn't be sad is also a way in form of abuse to myself.
00:27:29.338 --> 00:27:32.933
I don't know where it came from and maybe I should get a therapist.
00:27:32.933 --> 00:27:33.816
Oh, that reminds me.
00:27:33.816 --> 00:27:38.476
I think I am going to therapy very soon and I think I need it.
00:27:38.476 --> 00:27:43.945
I think I need a new perspective that will help give me purpose, because right now it's not really working.
00:27:44.446 --> 00:27:55.912
But, alas, we're coming towards the end of this episode and I just want to say you may think you're plain, you might think you are the plainest person out there.
00:27:55.912 --> 00:28:04.673
You might feel like you have nothing to offer, that you are so lonely, that you are so sad, but trust me, you have a plum in your back.
00:28:04.673 --> 00:28:06.289
I have a plum in my back.
00:28:06.289 --> 00:28:09.913
Everyone you love has a plum in their back.
00:28:09.913 --> 00:28:11.250
So tell them more.
00:28:11.250 --> 00:28:14.285
Tell them that you see them more.
00:28:14.285 --> 00:28:22.913
I promise it's a little bit of a weird conversation at first, but it gets you thinking that maybe they need to hear it.
00:28:22.913 --> 00:28:26.807
Maybe they need to know that they're appreciated.
00:28:26.807 --> 00:28:44.194
Maybe they need to understand that, that if they are going through a tough position, that they're not going through it for nothing, and I pray that whatever is stopping you from believing that that other person genuinely sees you, you will feel it.
00:28:44.194 --> 00:28:45.837
You'll feel the intent.
00:28:46.659 --> 00:29:07.590
It's one thing to have it be meaningless, but if you're not consistently going out of your way to tell the people who
have changed your life or have made an impact on your life that you love them, that you care for them, that you see them for them, despite the good or the bad things that they've done.
00:29:07.590 --> 00:29:12.914
I'm telling you it makes such a big difference in the way that they view life because they don't feel alone.
00:29:12.914 --> 00:29:16.346
They feel like they are seen.
00:29:16.346 --> 00:29:23.980
And something I've noticed about the world too is that everyone wants to be seen at least once.
00:29:23.980 --> 00:29:32.239
Whether that be by a lot of people, whether that be one person, whether that be by their God or anything.
00:29:32.239 --> 00:29:36.931
They want to feel seen, deeply seen, and I know I feel that.
00:29:36.931 --> 00:29:38.627
I felt it.
00:29:38.627 --> 00:29:39.771
I feel it.
00:29:40.212 --> 00:29:48.221
I want to continue feeling that I know, deep down, everyone wants someone to be passionate with and not feel so burdensome.
00:29:48.221 --> 00:29:52.511
But if you are feeling burdensome, I'm really sorry because that feeling sucks.
00:29:52.511 --> 00:29:54.536
It's such a heavy feeling.
00:29:54.536 --> 00:30:05.270
But if you are feeling burdensome, if you're feeling something deep within you; One, I really advise that you go seek professional help and not listen to a podcast.
00:30:05.270 --> 00:30:16.798
But two, if you are not ready to take that step to get professional help yet, please seek someone that you care about and tell them.
00:30:17.179 --> 00:30:23.567
Or, if it's too hard, play this podcast episode to them and say that that is how I'm feeling.
00:30:23.567 --> 00:30:28.925
This exact feeling is how I'm feeling, because that's what I want this pod to be about.
00:30:28.925 --> 00:30:30.186
I want each episode to be like.
00:30:30.186 --> 00:30:49.196
If it's hard for you to say it, play an episode or play a snippet of an episode and be like that exact description, that exact way that she or he or whoever comes on this podcast is describing it.
00:30:49.196 --> 00:30:50.138
That's how I'm feeling.
00:30:50.138 --> 00:30:52.531
Use this as your tool guide.
00:30:52.531 --> 00:30:53.916
That's what I want.
00:30:54.500 --> 00:31:01.744
If it's hard for you to be vulnerable and it's hard for you to be like, this is exactly what I'm going through, just play it.
00:31:01.744 --> 00:31:08.268
Play that episode or play that thing that someone has said and be like, huh, how do you feel about that?
00:31:08.268 --> 00:31:10.195
And then slowly ease into it.
00:31:10.195 --> 00:31:11.340
Don't just drop the bomb.
00:31:11.340 --> 00:31:12.586
You don't have to drop the bomb.
00:31:12.586 --> 00:31:20.310
You know this is a hard thing to dive into, but anyways, to wrap this up, I thank you for listening.
00:31:20.633 --> 00:31:25.973
I truly, truly pray from the bottom of my heart that, whatever you're going through, I pray that you reach out.
00:31:25.973 --> 00:31:27.577
Don't keep it to yourself.
00:31:27.577 --> 00:31:45.199
I pray that you have at least one person you can be vulnerable with and if you don't, you can reach me on scoop subconsciously, s-c-o-o-p-s-u-b-c-o-n-s-c-i-o-u-s-l-y On Instagram.
00:31:45.199 --> 00:32:07.440
I mean it when I say my DMs are always open, that if you have gone through something, if you just want to talk, if you want someone that is outside opinion or just a place where you can just drop your honesty, the DMs are always open and I'm always willing and ready to listen to whatever you're going through.
00:32:07.840 --> 00:32:14.904
And this was such a deeply personal episode for me and I want you to know that I don't just do this because I want sympathy.
00:32:14.904 --> 00:32:22.410
I do this because being completely honest and completely vulnerable is a hard thing to do in this world and if I get judged for it.
00:32:22.410 --> 00:32:23.051
So be it.
00:32:23.051 --> 00:32:29.397
But I am not a perfect person to judge others for what they're going through or how they're feeling.
00:32:29.397 --> 00:32:33.916
All I can do is continue lifting up even if I don't feel it.
00:32:34.184 --> 00:32:35.964
But I thank you guys so much for listening.
00:32:35.964 --> 00:32:39.915
I thank you guys so much for giving this podcast a chance.
00:32:41.686 --> 00:32:51.232
I thank you guys so much from the bottom of my heart that, whatever you're going through, wherever you are, whatever time it is, I pray that you're having an amazing day.
00:32:51.232 --> 00:32:56.188
I pray that you receive a blessing in an unexpected way.
00:32:56.188 --> 00:32:59.740
I truly pray from the bottom of my heart that you find that purpose.
00:32:59.740 --> 00:33:11.772
I truly pray from the bottom of my heart that you genuinely start to love where you are, start to love yourself and find that purpose within yourself and give it back to yourself too.
00:33:11.772 --> 00:33:16.852
Oh my goodness, guys, thank you again so much for listening.
00:33:17.252 --> 00:33:28.472
If you don't mind giving this podcast five stars or a rating in general on all of your podcast platforms, I would highly appreciate it.
00:33:28.472 --> 00:33:29.810
It helps me grow within the show.
00:33:29.810 --> 00:33:35.894
It also helps me know that you want me to keep going, keep being vulnerable, keep being myself, keep growing.
00:33:35.894 --> 00:33:40.694
You can help us all grow together within one community, within this world.
00:33:40.694 --> 00:33:44.529
It really helps, and please DM the Instagram.
00:33:44.529 --> 00:33:52.253
One if you have something to say, but two if you have any suggestions of what you want the upcoming episodes to be.
00:33:52.253 --> 00:33:53.296
I appreciate you.
00:33:53.296 --> 00:34:01.417
I see you and I see your plum on your back and I will see you guys on the next episode, where my subconscious thoughts do the talking.
00:34:01.417 --> 00:34:03.510
Bye, guys.