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What Our Teens Need Most From Us Parents

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WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:14.480 What would you think of a mother who moved with her daughter to university, shared her room, got her breakfast in the morning, cooked her meals, put on her socks and shoes, changed her bedlinen, washed her clothes, ran around town doing errands for her. 00:00:14.800 --> 00:00:16.000 Mm-hmm, me too. 00:00:16.160 --> 00:00:17.199 But listen up. 00:00:17.519 --> 00:00:27.280 I am now living at Oxford University, sharing my daughter's bedroom because her injuries were so bad that she can't physically do a lot of these things yet. 00:00:27.519 --> 00:00:32.719 The university has been incredibly supportive, but Oxford is super high pressure at the best of times. 00:00:32.960 --> 00:00:38.719 She needs to be with her friends, but she also needs her rest and a high protein diet, etc., etc. 00:00:38.960 --> 00:00:43.439 And I don't want this horrible situation to be any more painful than necessary. 00:00:43.600 --> 00:00:46.880 So this is the best way to launch her. 00:00:47.119 --> 00:00:49.840 If you're thinking, wait a second, what injuries? 00:00:50.000 --> 00:00:52.560 Then go back and listen to the hot water bottle warning. 00:00:52.880 --> 00:00:56.000 Or you can read all about it by clicking the link in the notes. 00:00:56.159 --> 00:00:56.960 Your choice. 00:00:57.200 --> 00:01:06.480 Anyway, I'm telling you all of this because I have a terrific interview I'm dying to share with you about why giving our kids rewards doesn't work. 00:01:06.719 --> 00:01:10.480 But I don't have access to good enough Wi-Fi to edit it and I'm dog tired. 00:01:10.640 --> 00:01:16.159 And who am I to tell you to put less pressure on yourself if I'm not prepared to take my own advice? 00:01:16.319 --> 00:01:19.920 So instead, I thought, you know what we all need right now? 00:01:20.079 --> 00:01:21.599 It's the amazing Dr. 00:01:21.760 --> 00:01:22.239 Jodi. 00:01:22.560 --> 00:01:28.959 Again, she knows her stuff, she even made a lot of you cry, and I think her message deserves repeating. 00:01:29.120 --> 00:01:31.680 Stay fearless, fill your life with wonder. 00:01:31.840 --> 00:01:32.400 Here's Dr. 00:01:32.560 --> 00:01:33.120 Jodi. 00:01:36.879 --> 00:01:43.519 Hello and welcome to Teenagers Untangled, the audio hug for everyone supporting someone going through the tween and teen years. 00:01:43.599 --> 00:01:48.480 I'm Rachel Richards, journalist, mother of two teenagers and two bonus daughters. 00:01:48.799 --> 00:01:54.640 Now, what one thing can we teach our kids that will make the most difference to their lives? 00:01:54.879 --> 00:01:59.359 Today's guest is convinced that teaching our kids emotional regulation is vital. 00:01:59.599 --> 00:02:01.840 What do we mean by emotional regulation? 00:02:02.079 --> 00:02:04.799 Why is it so important and how can we teach it? 00:02:04.959 --> 00:02:05.200 Dr. 00:02:05.280 --> 00:02:13.280 Jodie Carrington is a psychologist who's written three best-selling books, speaks on hundreds of stages globally each year, and hosts the podcast Unlowly. 00:02:13.520 --> 00:02:17.680 She's also a mum to three, a hockey coach and passionate about human connection. 00:02:17.919 --> 00:02:19.039 Welcome to the show, Dr. 00:02:19.199 --> 00:02:19.919 Jodie. 00:02:20.319 --> 00:02:21.599 Ah, thank you for having me. 00:02:21.680 --> 00:02:23.360 That long list just made me exhausted. 00:02:23.520 --> 00:02:26.879 When you said those things, I was like, holy Lord, I don't know how I'll be hanging on. 00:02:27.039 --> 00:02:27.680 I did breathe. 00:02:27.919 --> 00:02:28.879 Oh, thank you so much. 00:02:29.199 --> 00:02:41.039 I read your book, Kids These Days, and so much of it resonated with my own experience, both in terms of, you know, what I looked for from adults around me when I was growing up and what has made the most difference with my own kids. 00:02:41.199 --> 00:02:51.520 And we're going to talk about emotional regulation, but I want to start with a concept of behaviorism and how we can recognize those ideas and why they're so problematic. 00:02:51.840 --> 00:02:53.360 Okay, let's take it from the top. 00:02:53.599 --> 00:02:56.479 The definition of emotional regulation is how not to lose your friggin' mind. 00:02:56.560 --> 00:02:56.879 Okay. 00:02:57.120 --> 00:02:59.039 How to stay calm in times of distress. 00:02:59.120 --> 00:03:03.439 And it is the greatest, in fact, the only thing of importance that you will teach your children. 00:03:03.759 --> 00:03:07.039 When you can stay calm in times of distress, you will do well in this world. 00:03:07.199 --> 00:03:12.000 It is the greatest predictor of emotional well-being and it is the greatest predictor of success. 00:03:12.240 --> 00:03:14.960 We're all born with three ways to regulate emotion. 00:03:15.039 --> 00:03:15.840 We get them for free. 00:03:15.919 --> 00:03:16.240 Okay. 00:03:16.400 --> 00:03:20.719 Regardless of age, race, religion, socioeconomic, status, or gender, identity, we all come with three for free. 00:03:20.800 --> 00:03:21.120 Okay. 00:03:21.759 --> 00:03:24.400 Fight, flight, and freeze. 00:03:24.800 --> 00:03:32.400 The job of big people is to teach kids all the rest of the ways to regulate emotion, how to stay calm in times of distress. 00:03:32.560 --> 00:03:32.879 Okay. 00:03:33.280 --> 00:03:38.560 So I'm going to give you the neuroanatomy behind emotional regulation. 00:03:38.639 --> 00:03:38.960 Okay. 00:03:39.120 --> 00:03:45.599 So I if you're just, I don't know if we get a video on this, but if you're just listening to this, I want you just to imagine in your mind's eye, okay? 00:03:45.680 --> 00:03:46.639 I want you to put your hand up. 00:03:46.879 --> 00:03:48.000 Hopefully you're not driving. 00:03:48.159 --> 00:03:50.639 Put your hand up and tuck your thumb in the inside of your palm. 00:03:50.800 --> 00:03:51.120 Okay. 00:03:51.360 --> 00:03:53.520 And there wrap your fingers around your thumb. 00:03:53.759 --> 00:03:56.479 Now, in front
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of your face now is a hand model of your brain. 00:03:56.639 --> 00:03:56.800 Okay. 00:03:56.879 --> 00:04:00.319 So your thumb is tucked in the inside, your fingers are wrapped around your thumb. 00:04:00.560 --> 00:04:03.360 That is about the same size of the brain that's currently sitting in your skull. 00:04:03.520 --> 00:04:03.840 Okay. 00:04:04.479 --> 00:04:09.439 And it sort of anatomically, your arm represents your spinal cord, your wrist is your brainstem. 00:04:09.520 --> 00:04:11.759 If you flip your fingers up, tucked inside is your limbic system. 00:04:11.840 --> 00:04:12.960 That is the most primitive part of our brain. 00:04:13.039 --> 00:04:16.399 So our babies develop interceptively, all of us do, from the inside out. 00:04:16.560 --> 00:04:23.600 And the limbic system, the most primitive part of your brain, houses the three emotional regulation strategies we get for free: fight, flight, and freeze. 00:04:23.839 --> 00:04:27.920 What separates humans from most other mammals is the prefrontal cortex that wraps around the limbic system. 00:04:28.000 --> 00:04:31.600 So if you put your fingers now wrapping around your thumb, that's your prefrontal cortex. 00:04:31.680 --> 00:04:33.199 And it's it sits right above your eyeballs. 00:04:33.279 --> 00:04:33.519 Okay. 00:04:33.600 --> 00:04:35.759 I always say everything you've ever learned lives right above your balls. 00:04:35.839 --> 00:04:38.319 People really like that, but it's about it's not true. 00:04:38.480 --> 00:04:39.600 But it's about your balls. 00:04:39.680 --> 00:04:41.839 Your eyeballs is where your prefrontal cortex sits. 00:04:42.000 --> 00:04:44.079 And it houses everything you've ever learned in your life. 00:04:44.240 --> 00:04:44.480 Okay. 00:04:44.639 --> 00:04:52.959 So for you and me, if I were to ask you your first childhood phone number, if I were to ask you the pin number to your bank card, you could, many people could regurgitate that for me. 00:04:53.040 --> 00:04:56.000 My my childhood phone number was 336-3234. 00:04:56.079 --> 00:04:57.600 I can tell you the pin number to my bank card. 00:04:57.680 --> 00:04:59.519 Any language you speak lives up there. 00:04:59.839 --> 00:05:12.720 Any musical instrument you play, if you play a musical instrument, if you've ever play a sport, everything you've ever learned in your life, including how to use your words, how to be kind, how to apologize, anything you've ever learned in your life. 00:05:12.800 --> 00:05:15.439 So my friend Dan Siegel said, I want you to think about this like a lid. 00:05:15.600 --> 00:05:19.360 When your lid is on, you have access to everything you've ever learned in your life. 00:05:19.519 --> 00:05:28.959 So if you've ever looked at your children and you were proud of them, they were using their words or they were being kind to grandma or they're finally being nice to their siblings, you're like, that's who your baby is. 00:05:29.199 --> 00:05:31.120 That's them with their lid on. 00:05:31.439 --> 00:05:34.399 And rarely do we judge our babies in this capacity. 00:05:34.560 --> 00:05:36.560 We usually judge it in any other way, right? 00:05:36.639 --> 00:05:37.920 But that's who they are. 00:05:38.639 --> 00:05:46.560 Like if you've ever gone on a second date in your life and you you decided to go on that second date because your prospective partner's lid was on. 00:05:46.800 --> 00:05:47.120 Yeah? 00:05:47.279 --> 00:05:48.160 Have you ever heard this? 00:05:48.319 --> 00:05:49.680 She's flipped her lid. 00:05:50.480 --> 00:05:51.680 He's lost his friggin' mind. 00:05:51.759 --> 00:05:53.600 That's the definition of emotional dysregulation. 00:05:53.759 --> 00:05:56.399 You don't lose your ability to be great, you lose access to it. 00:05:56.879 --> 00:06:02.639 And when you bring a baby home from the hospital, yeah, when you when you bring a baby home from the hospital, how do they let you know what they need? 00:06:02.879 --> 00:06:03.279 They cry. 00:06:03.519 --> 00:06:03.839 They cry. 00:06:04.000 --> 00:06:08.240 They lose their friggin' mind because there's not a lot up there yet that says, listen, mom, I'm gonna need a bum change. 00:06:08.399 --> 00:06:09.920 Or dad, let me out of here. 00:06:10.000 --> 00:06:11.199 Grandma's voice is annoying. 00:06:11.360 --> 00:06:12.240 They lose their friggin' mind. 00:06:12.319 --> 00:06:13.759 And you know what the job of big people is? 00:06:14.560 --> 00:06:19.439 It's in the words of Ram Das, who's a dead guy, a philosopher, a yogi, changed my whole life. 00:06:19.600 --> 00:06:23.759 He said these this string of words that changed everything for me as a mom and a clinician. 00:06:23.839 --> 00:06:27.040 He said this we are all just here walking each other home. 00:06:28.319 --> 00:06:29.439 Oh, that's wonderful. 00:06:30.160 --> 00:06:32.319 Nobody gets out of here alive. 00:06:32.560 --> 00:06:36.560 And the only job of parents is the walking. 00:06:37.360 --> 00:06:39.759 And so what's interesting is it's in our bones. 00:06:39.839 --> 00:06:40.480 You don't have to learn this. 00:06:40.560 --> 00:06:41.839 You don't have to read another parenting book. 00:06:41.920 --> 00:06:42.800 You don't have to do anything else. 00:06:42.879 --> 00:06:47.680 You already know moms, you already know dad, what you need to do because it's in your bones. 00:06:48.079 --> 00:06:53.120 You could read my book, which is really helpful, but most other things you already know, and I'll tell you why. 00:06:53.600 --> 00:06:58.480 The first sound that every human felt first on this globe was what? 00:06:58.879 --> 00:07:03.199 Dun dun, dum, dum, dum, dum, the heartbeats of our mamas. 00:07:03.680 --> 00:07:09.360 And whether she's alive or you have a relationship with her or not, your understanding of emotional regulation is in your bones. 00:07:09.600 --> 00:07:13.199 Because what we don't need in times of distress is somebody to tell us what to do. 00:07:13.360 --> 00:07:15.199 We need
somebody to show us. 00:07:15.439 --> 00:07:19.120 And if the big people aren't okay, the little people don't stand a chance. 00:07:19.360 --> 00:07:21.360 You can't tell anybody how to calm down. 00:07:21.439 --> 00:07:22.399 You have to show them. 00:07:22.639 --> 00:07:25.600 Never in the history of telling, I mean, anybody's still married? 00:07:25.759 --> 00:07:30.240 Never in the history of somebody saying to you, oh, relax, Rachel, did you go? 00:07:30.720 --> 00:07:31.680 So here's what's interesting. 00:07:32.399 --> 00:07:32.959 Good point. 00:07:33.279 --> 00:07:33.759 Right? 00:07:34.000 --> 00:07:38.079 When you were this is a universal response to a crying infant, okay? 00:07:38.160 --> 00:07:50.319 In your country, my country, uh globally, okay, regardless of age, race, religion, socioeconomic status, or gender identity, if you're emotionally regulated and come upon another human, an infant that's crying, you are neurobiologically wired to pick that baby up. 00:07:50.480 --> 00:07:57.439 Okay, if it's just you and that kid, you come upon an infant in a car seat, nobody else is around, you're like, oh, you wouldn't just walk by and be like, oh shoot, I hope somebody gets that one. 00:07:57.680 --> 00:07:59.519 You are neurobiologically wired to pick that up. 00:07:59.600 --> 00:08:18.000 And even if you've never held a baby, like if I were to zoom in into Afghanistan or Nigeria or Guyana or um Scotland or Newfoundland, Canada, and I were to watch somebody come upon a crying infant, they would pick that baby up, even if they've never held a baby, and they would engage in a rhythmic exchange. 00:08:18.319 --> 00:08:18.879 Hmm. 00:08:19.360 --> 00:08:19.920 Hmm. 00:08:20.480 --> 00:08:25.439 In an effort to regulate them, to put their lid back on, to walk them home. 00:08:26.160 --> 00:08:28.160 So here's what's interesting. 00:08:28.399 --> 00:08:36.879 If babies have people, walkers in their world that are regulated, they start to learn how to regulate their emotion because people are showing them that. 00:08:37.039 --> 00:08:39.360 So if you come, you can imagine the exact opposite of this. 00:08:39.440 --> 00:08:42.000 You come from multiple generations of abuse, neglect, and trauma. 00:08:42.240 --> 00:08:43.679 Big people are not okay. 00:08:43.759 --> 00:08:49.200 They're dysregulated, they're losing their mind, usually for their own because nobody's done it for them. 00:08:49.360 --> 00:08:52.080 You can't give away something you've never received. 00:08:52.399 --> 00:08:56.559 And our greatest job is in the walking because you can't teach anybody whose lids flipped. 00:08:56.639 --> 00:08:58.399 It's neurobiologically impossible. 00:08:58.559 --> 00:09:00.240 You cannot learn with a flipped lid. 00:09:00.639 --> 00:09:10.720 And historically, what we've learned about behaviorism is we know people are best when their lids are on because they're predictable, they're calm, and they have access to the best parts of them. 00:09:11.039 --> 00:09:16.559 So my forefathers of psychology were sitting around, I imagined this in my mind, and they were like, How do we get people to be calm? 00:09:16.639 --> 00:09:18.720 Because we need people calm on this globe. 00:09:18.799 --> 00:09:19.600 What are we gonna do? 00:09:19.759 --> 00:09:24.159 And my forefathers of psychology, the boys I like to call them, Watson and Skinner, were sitting around. 00:09:24.240 --> 00:09:25.759 And Watson was like, I got it. 00:09:26.080 --> 00:09:26.799 Come to my lab. 00:09:26.960 --> 00:09:29.600 Look what happens when you shock a rat. 00:09:30.000 --> 00:09:32.559 Oh, son of a gun. 00:09:32.799 --> 00:09:34.240 It stops the behavior. 00:09:34.480 --> 00:09:34.879 Huh? 00:09:35.600 --> 00:09:39.360 And then Skinner was like, I uh I got the other side of that. 00:09:39.440 --> 00:09:40.080 Come to my lab. 00:09:40.240 --> 00:09:44.399 Look what happens when you reward a pigeon with colored water. 00:09:44.559 --> 00:09:46.879 Oh, shoot, it does more pecking. 00:09:46.960 --> 00:09:48.000 Let's do that with children. 00:09:48.159 --> 00:09:48.399 Okay. 00:09:48.559 --> 00:09:52.799 Let's do the rewards and consequences because look how effective this works to getting people back home. 00:09:54.399 --> 00:10:00.559 The interesting thing is there was a lot of other things that were going on when we implemented the concept of behaviorism. 00:10:00.960 --> 00:10:04.240 Because the tr the problem with a strict behavioral model is it works. 00:10:04.399 --> 00:10:07.039 If you have a big enough stick, you can get anybody to comply. 00:10:07.200 --> 00:10:07.519 Okay. 00:10:07.600 --> 00:10:08.080 Just ask. 00:10:08.480 --> 00:10:09.840 Yeah, but my husband pointed that out. 00:10:09.919 --> 00:10:10.799 I said, torture doesn't work. 00:10:10.879 --> 00:10:12.000 He went, No, it does actually work. 00:10:12.480 --> 00:10:12.799 It does. 00:10:15.120 --> 00:10:17.840 The question is then, what does it leave you with? 00:10:18.480 --> 00:10:22.799 And historically, what we didn't know we had to measure was relationship and connection. 00:10:23.039 --> 00:10:24.480 Because that was built in. 00:10:24.639 --> 00:10:31.679 Think about in one generation, Rachel, think about the score of footage of the house that our grandfathers were raised in and the score of fortage of the house in which we raise our babies. 00:10:31.840 --> 00:10:37.600 It is estimated that our great-grandparents looked at their children 72% more of the time than we look at our babies today. 00:10:37.840 --> 00:10:42.080 So if you were parenting from a strict behavioral model, it was kind of okay. 00:10:42.159 --> 00:10:43.440 Because I always give this example. 00:10:43.519 --> 00:10:46.159 So I grew up on a farm in rural Alberta, Canada. 00:10:46.320 --> 00:10:50.720 And if we were out chasing the cows, and I'm not very fast, I'm five foot frigall in real life. 00:10:50.879 --> 00:10:56.080 And so if I couldn't catch up and I'd let
some cow through the gate, my dad would be like, What the hell? 00:10:56.399 --> 00:10:57.360 Jesus H. 00:10:57.519 --> 00:10:59.440 Murphy, what are you doing? 00:10:59.679 --> 00:11:01.679 And so then I'm devastated, I'm sad. 00:11:01.840 --> 00:11:07.360 But within 30 minutes, we're back in the house, sitting around a kitchen table the size of a coffee cup. 00:11:07.519 --> 00:11:09.759 And he may never have said to me, I don't remember this. 00:11:09.919 --> 00:11:11.679 I'm saying to me, baby girl, I'm so sorry. 00:11:11.840 --> 00:11:13.440 But he would say, Pass a piece. 00:11:13.840 --> 00:11:16.080 Or he would say, What time's your ring acking? 00:11:16.480 --> 00:11:19.360 And so there was opportunity to repair and bring them back home. 00:11:19.440 --> 00:11:23.120 And there was enough connection in that community to walk us back there. 00:11:24.080 --> 00:11:28.799 Now, in this last decade, we've never seen anxiety and depression this high in kids. 00:11:29.039 --> 00:11:33.440 For the first time in history, we are dying faster from emotional illness than we are from physical illness. 00:11:33.600 --> 00:11:35.039 And we are worried about the kids. 00:11:35.200 --> 00:11:36.159 I am not worried about the kids. 00:11:36.240 --> 00:11:38.240 I've been a child psychologist for over 20 years. 00:11:38.399 --> 00:11:40.799 I've assessed and treated over a thousand kids. 00:11:41.039 --> 00:11:43.440 And I had not one time have I met a bad baby. 00:11:43.600 --> 00:11:44.240 Not one time. 00:11:44.399 --> 00:11:47.039 I've met a lot of babies who are emotionally dysregulated. 00:11:47.200 --> 00:11:56.399 And the issue is you can bring your kid to me all day long and say, I need you to see my kid every time I say, absolutely, I'd love to assess your child, but I need to see you first. 00:11:56.639 --> 00:11:58.799 And people say, Oh, you think I'm the problem? 00:11:59.200 --> 00:12:00.159 You think I'm the problem? 00:12:00.240 --> 00:12:01.039 And I say this. 00:12:02.159 --> 00:12:02.480 No. 00:12:02.879 --> 00:12:04.399 I'm nodding my head, yes. 00:12:04.720 --> 00:12:05.039 No. 00:12:05.519 --> 00:12:07.039 But you know the solution. 00:12:07.200 --> 00:12:11.039 Because if you are not okay, I can do a quality gold standard treatment. 00:12:11.200 --> 00:12:13.519 An hour, I can charge you 300 bucks an hour. 00:12:13.679 --> 00:12:14.960 I can do all the things. 00:12:15.039 --> 00:12:17.759 And assessment's important because I need to know what's going on with that baby. 00:12:17.840 --> 00:12:24.799 The treatment lies within the system because emotional regulation is a practice again and again and again. 00:12:24.879 --> 00:12:26.799 The job of little people is to lose their mind. 00:12:27.039 --> 00:12:28.799 The job of big people is to walk them home. 00:12:28.960 --> 00:12:30.320 Again and again and again and again. 00:12:30.399 --> 00:12:35.200 And it's exhausting, which is why we've never needed so much important like support for parents. 00:12:35.360 --> 00:12:37.200 This is why your podcast is critical. 00:12:37.360 --> 00:12:44.320 This is why we need to, in solidarity, come back together and say it's never been so hard to parent because this world is so disconnected and overwhelmed. 00:12:44.480 --> 00:12:52.240 We got so many stupid people on dumb platforms telling people erroneous and harmful information. 00:12:52.399 --> 00:12:54.799 Like, did you have a dolphin-assisted pool birth? 00:12:54.879 --> 00:12:55.440 Oh, you didn't. 00:12:55.519 --> 00:12:56.000 Okay, shit. 00:12:56.080 --> 00:12:57.360 Well, your kid's gonna have ADHD. 00:12:57.519 --> 00:13:03.039 Yes, and this whole, this whole kind of narrative that if you didn't do all of this before the age of two, you forget it. 00:13:03.120 --> 00:13:03.679 They're broken. 00:13:03.840 --> 00:13:04.720 Surely it's never changed. 00:13:04.960 --> 00:13:06.720 No, I wouldn't do what I do if this is true. 00:13:06.799 --> 00:13:08.080 Now, the the data's really clear. 00:13:08.159 --> 00:13:12.639 I mean, zero to two, um, particularly early on, is really critical in terms of neural development. 00:13:12.720 --> 00:13:13.039 Okay. 00:13:13.440 --> 00:13:20.000 So we want to, the greatest investment, if I were to ask, and I, you know, I spoke at the United Nations um just over a year ago. 00:13:20.080 --> 00:13:23.039 And the question to me was, what do we do about this mental health crisis? 00:13:23.200 --> 00:13:24.799 And I said, here, here's what's interesting. 00:13:24.960 --> 00:13:27.919 We're in an understandable human response to a loneliness epidemic. 00:13:28.159 --> 00:13:34.720 And your greatest intervention is in the big people, teachers, parents, police officers, those doing the walking. 00:13:34.879 --> 00:13:38.799 Because if they're not okay, the people we're serving don't stand a chance. 00:13:39.039 --> 00:13:42.399 And one of the loneliest groups on the planet right now are young moms. 00:13:42.720 --> 00:13:46.399 Because if you're breastfeeding in the middle of the night, I mean, I our oldest is 15. 00:13:46.480 --> 00:13:56.720 And so when I had him, so introduction of the smartphone was 2006, introduction of the forward-facing cameras 2009, we saw a massive decline in emotional health in about 2013. 00:13:56.879 --> 00:14:01.600 When I was breastfeeding our son at 2000, in 2010, you know, and I overwhelmed as many parents. 00:14:01.919 --> 00:14:03.519 I mean, I had worked as a child psychologist. 00:14:03.600 --> 00:14:05.759 I I wrote a best-selling book called Kids These Days. 00:14:05.840 --> 00:14:06.799 It's so friggin' good. 00:14:06.960 --> 00:14:10.080 If you watch me with my own personal children, you wouldn't buy the book. 00:14:10.320 --> 00:14:12.480 I wrote that thing when I was regulated. 00:14:13.600 --> 00:14:14.639 So what is so critical? 00:14:15.039 --> 00:14:15.679 Exactly, yes. 00:14:15.919 --> 00:14:17.600 Was how do we walk each other back home? 00:14:17.759 -->
00:14:24.639 And so back then in 2010, I had access to one major opinion that could derail me when I was feeling incompetent, and it was my mother-in-law, you know? 00:14:24.799 --> 00:14:26.639 Because I'd be like, Lori, I don't know what to do. 00:14:26.799 --> 00:14:28.799 And she'd be like, oh, just put some booze in his bottle. 00:14:28.960 --> 00:14:32.159 And I'd be like, listen, I think things have changed a little, right? 00:14:32.399 --> 00:14:35.120 This is the advice for Nikki don't do that. 00:14:36.399 --> 00:14:38.080 Dip their soother in a little rum. 00:14:38.240 --> 00:14:40.879 And so I was like, oh, buddy, I think times have changed a little. 00:14:41.039 --> 00:14:58.399 Now, mamas who are breastfeeding in the middle of the night, scrolling, emotionally exhausted, hormonal, they have access to 48 million opinions, saying things, and and usually with with people in platforms that are wearing creams and they're just got their shit together, it appears that they do. 00:14:58.480 --> 00:14:59.039 They don't. 00:14:59.360 --> 00:14:59.679 Okay. 00:15:00.559 --> 00:15:05.200 And so this constant comparison with a first generation of parents to have access to social media. 00:15:05.279 --> 00:15:06.480 We are so concerned about kids. 00:15:06.639 --> 00:15:07.519 Mm-mm, mm-mm. 00:15:07.759 --> 00:15:08.720 They're gonna be all right. 00:15:08.879 --> 00:15:09.679 I promise you. 00:15:09.919 --> 00:15:14.879 Our greatest intervention and support right now is places like this for people to land to say, is this supposed to be hard? 00:15:14.960 --> 00:15:16.559 Oh my God, never harder. 00:15:17.200 --> 00:15:18.000 Can you do it? 00:15:18.159 --> 00:15:19.039 Absolutely. 00:15:19.360 --> 00:15:22.720 And the only way we do this well is if we continue to fill each other up. 00:15:22.879 --> 00:15:24.720 Come on back home to the best parts of us. 00:15:24.799 --> 00:15:25.840 Your baby's gonna be okay. 00:15:26.000 --> 00:15:31.279 If you're invested in listening to a podcast called Teenagers Untangled, your babies are lucky to have you. 00:15:31.440 --> 00:15:32.080 Full stop. 00:15:32.320 --> 00:15:34.000 Well, you're so lovely, thank you. 00:15:34.559 --> 00:15:36.320 And I'm learning all the time too. 00:15:36.399 --> 00:15:40.000 And the whole point is that I'm making mistakes, we're all making mistakes. 00:15:40.159 --> 00:15:40.639 It's fine. 00:15:40.720 --> 00:15:43.279 It's about how do we get back from those mistakes? 00:15:43.519 --> 00:15:45.200 You only need to get this right 30% of the time. 00:15:45.279 --> 00:15:47.919 So the data would suggest that we're gonna screw this up 70% of the time. 00:15:48.000 --> 00:15:58.159 In order to create emotionally regulated children, you will have bad days, you will be overwhelmed, you will be fighting with your partner or their father or their mother, you will be losing your ever love and Jesus mind. 00:15:58.240 --> 00:16:00.399 Let's like assume that full permission. 00:16:00.720
--> 00:16:01.039 Okay. 00:16:01.679 --> 00:16:08.399 Our job is to figure out how we stay regulated and connected to the best of our ability at least 30% of the time. 00:16:08.559 --> 00:16:08.879 Okay. 00:16:09.279 --> 00:16:10.240 And we can do that. 00:16:10.320 --> 00:16:11.200 That's gonna be okay. 00:16:11.360 --> 00:16:18.960 In this very noisy, busy world, we need to watch what we're consuming, staying very connected to the people who also get it, and bring us back home. 00:16:19.039 --> 00:16:23.519 And back home, I mean our shoulders are dropped, our tongue is from the roof of our mouth. 00:16:23.600 --> 00:16:26.159 That's what an emotionally regulated body feels like. 00:16:26.320 --> 00:16:29.600 You can wiggle your toes, your breath is easier. 00:16:29.840 --> 00:16:34.080 And typically speaking, Rachel, we wake up checking our phones. 00:16:34.320 --> 00:16:36.960 We're the first generation in the history who does who've done that. 00:16:37.120 --> 00:16:37.360 Yeah. 00:16:37.600 --> 00:16:41.759 And our cortisol is through the roof before we even step into our kitchens. 00:16:42.000 --> 00:16:43.519 We've strapped on an Apple Watch. 00:16:43.600 --> 00:16:44.720 That's a cortisol shooter. 00:16:44.799 --> 00:16:45.440 It's shooting us. 00:16:45.519 --> 00:16:47.120 Everybody's connected to my Apple Watch. 00:16:47.200 --> 00:16:47.440 Okay. 00:16:47.600 --> 00:16:48.000 My parents. 00:16:48.240 --> 00:16:50.080 Checking your sleep, checking your sleep before you. 00:16:50.720 --> 00:16:57.360 I got a ring, I got a watch, I got a phone, I got all this data that suggested to me you're a disaster. 00:16:57.600 --> 00:16:59.120 That's why I want to throw a punch everybody. 00:16:59.200 --> 00:17:00.960 At least we got a reason, you know. 00:17:01.200 --> 00:17:08.000 But they think the greatest thing we will ever teach this next generation is understanding the importance of your neurochemistry, the connection between your head and your heart. 00:17:08.240 --> 00:17:14.000 Because you can drink all the kale and do all the yoga, but it's a waste of time if you're doing that in a dysregulated body. 00:17:14.160 --> 00:17:17.759 I need to bring you back home so you can show your babies how to do that again and again and again. 00:17:17.839 --> 00:17:18.960 And it's never an end game. 00:17:19.039 --> 00:17:19.599 We won't arrive. 00:17:19.839 --> 00:17:20.160 Yeah. 00:17:20.400 --> 00:17:33.759 And I loved one of the things you said in your book, and it was about the real critical importance of children having at least one adult in their life who is irrationally passionate about that child. 00:17:33.920 --> 00:17:38.319 And I learned that actually after I'd had kids, and I'd had dogs. 00:17:38.480 --> 00:17:44.160 And the dogs, you know, when you come home, they are absolutely wild crazy as soon as you walk through the door. 00:17:44.240 --> 00:17:46.720 And I remember thinking, wow, why did I have kids? 00:17:46.799 --> 00:17:49.680 I mean, I could have just had the dogs and they love me immediately. 00:17:49.839 --> 00:17:58.799 But the whole thing was, I thought, what about if I met my children and my husband every morning with that much enthusiasm? 00:17:59.039 --> 00:18:00.960 And it's it's amazing. 00:18:01.200 --> 00:18:05.839 Tony Morrison, she she wrote the The Bluest Eyes, she's a most beautiful author. 00:18:05.920 --> 00:18:07.119 She calls it the light up. 00:18:08.160 --> 00:18:10.079 And I can give you examples of this all the time. 00:18:10.160 --> 00:18:14.240 You know, you watch airport reunions or a grandma who hasn't seen her grandbaby for a while. 00:18:14.319 --> 00:18:15.119 That's the light up. 00:18:15.519 --> 00:18:17.599 And and we're so good at it. 00:18:17.680 --> 00:18:18.079 You're right. 00:18:18.160 --> 00:18:21.039 Animals do not give us the negative feedback that humans do. 00:18:21.200 --> 00:18:22.720 So we light up much easier. 00:18:22.880 --> 00:18:23.200 Yeah. 00:18:23.359 --> 00:18:24.240 But we all need it. 00:18:24.319 --> 00:18:26.240 And the ones, listen, this is so critical. 00:18:26.400 --> 00:18:29.839 The ones who need it the most are the hardest to give it to our personal husbands. 00:18:32.160 --> 00:18:34.400 I mean, like I lit up on our first date. 00:18:34.480 --> 00:18:35.039 I was so impressed. 00:18:35.200 --> 00:18:36.240 We've been there at 18 years. 00:18:36.319 --> 00:18:37.599 I was so impressed with him. 00:18:37.680 --> 00:18:41.279 He's got his PhD in ruminant nutrition, which basically means he feeds cows. 00:18:41.519 --> 00:18:43.119 And I was so impressed. 00:18:43.279 --> 00:18:45.599 He had a pickup truck and like he was so smart. 00:18:45.680 --> 00:18:47.119 He judged cattle all over the world. 00:18:47.200 --> 00:18:48.400 I was enamored. 00:18:48.559 --> 00:18:48.880 Okay. 00:18:49.119 --> 00:18:49.599 Could not wait. 00:18:49.680 --> 00:18:51.680 I was so do you want to check cows? 00:18:51.839 --> 00:18:52.319 Yes, I do. 00:18:52.400 --> 00:18:52.880 Oh my God. 00:18:52.960 --> 00:18:54.079 Do you want to like now? 00:18:54.160 --> 00:18:55.759 I'm like, are you kidding me? 00:18:55.920 --> 00:18:57.359 You had a couple of bloats in the yard. 00:18:57.519 --> 00:18:58.319 Womp womp. 00:18:58.480 --> 00:19:00.000 Agriculture's so hard. 00:19:00.160 --> 00:19:02.160 I'm saving the children of America. 00:19:02.400 --> 00:19:02.720 Okay. 00:19:03.039 --> 00:19:09.039 So what happens is we lose the light up and it is still the greatest gift you can ever give anybody. 00:19:09.200 --> 00:19:09.759 Acknowledgement. 00:19:09.920 --> 00:19:10.160 Do you know? 00:19:10.240 --> 00:19:12.640 I I heard this quote the other day that just blew my mind, Rachel. 00:19:12.720 --> 00:19:14.240 I think I need to write a whole book around it. 00:19:14.559 --> 00:19:19.119 Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity. 00:19:19.359 --> 00:19:19.759 Yes. 00:19:19.920 --> 00:19:20.480 Yes. 00:19:20.720 -->
00:19:21.119 One hundred. 00:19:21.519 --> 00:19:25.599 And we are allowing devices to steal our attention. 00:19:25.759 --> 00:19:33.839 And I noticed when my kids were little and I'd started coaching parenting in inner city London for parents of younger kids. 00:19:34.079 --> 00:19:39.839 And I realized I would be talking to my kids and I'd be like, oh, you're so cute and I love you and I love you, love you. 00:19:40.000 --> 00:19:44.400 And then suddenly there'd be a ping on my phone and I think, oh no, I need to pay attention to that. 00:19:44.559 --> 00:19:46.079 And they'd get a cold shoulder. 00:19:46.240 --> 00:19:54.000 And once I was aware of that, it made me much more careful about the way that I related to my kids because why do they deserve that from me? 00:19:54.160 --> 00:20:04.079 And that intentional, you know, putting your phone away or whatever when they're around can make such an incredible difference to this connection and this relationship, right? 00:20:04.400 --> 00:20:06.000 It's so friggin' hard though, isn't it? 00:20:06.240 --> 00:20:11.039 We've never been this attention fragmented and we've never been this sleep deprived as humans. 00:20:11.200 --> 00:20:14.480 We'll stay up and watch Netflix till two o'clock in the morning because we just got to get one more show. 00:20:14.640 --> 00:20:19.519 And we were watching a movie last night, and Evan, our middle guy, was so excited for us to all watch this together. 00:20:19.599 --> 00:20:21.200 So everybody was down there and we're watching this movie. 00:20:21.279 --> 00:20:25.279 And I'm I was like, I had I'm very connected to this game called Block Blast right now. 00:20:25.359 --> 00:20:27.759 I'm I'm just committed to getting the highest score. 00:20:27.920 --> 00:20:34.079 So while the movie's on, I like pick my phone up and just like play a little game, you know, that's attention fragmentation. 00:20:34.160 --> 00:20:35.440 So you're doing two things at once, right? 00:20:35.519 --> 00:20:36.400 And we do this all the time now. 00:20:36.640 --> 00:20:37.680 Double greening. 00:20:37.839 --> 00:20:38.720 Yes, they call it. 00:20:38.799 --> 00:20:39.039 Yeah. 00:20:39.200 --> 00:20:44.799 And so he said to me, he pauses the movie and he said, I we're not we're not continuing until you're ready to watch them. 00:20:45.119 --> 00:20:50.240 And I was like, I love it. 00:20:50.480 --> 00:20:54.559 My husband's like, because I'm always saying to him, like, put your phone down, put your phone down. 00:20:54.640 --> 00:20:55.440 And he's like, Okay, fine. 00:20:55.680 --> 00:20:57.119 I have to leave my phone in another room. 00:20:57.279 --> 00:20:58.640 Otherwise, it's yeah, I'm tempted. 00:20:58.799 --> 00:20:59.440 I will pick it up. 00:20:59.519 --> 00:21:04.079 And I know that when we're together, I need to pay attention because it's so tempting. 00:21:04.240 --> 00:21:07.200 While we're on this subject, repair is critically important too. 00:21:07.279 --> 00:21:11.359
If he did a very simple mom, you know, and then you'd say, Oh, yeah, sorry, sorry. 00:21:11.599 --> 00:21:14.079 But we can't always feel regulated. 00:21:14.160 --> 00:21:19.279 We can't always be in a mood that c that where we can walk our kids home. 00:21:19.599 --> 00:21:29.200 And that requires us to somehow get from there to the point where we can either apologize or we can support them in some other way. 00:21:29.359 --> 00:21:30.559 What are your suggestions? 00:21:30.720 --> 00:21:33.039 How can we manage these sorts of situations? 00:21:33.119 --> 00:21:40.240 Or, you know, if they come home and they're being arsy with us and you you just want to slap them or just shout at them and yeah, yeah, yeah. 00:21:40.400 --> 00:21:42.559 So I this concept of repair is really interesting. 00:21:42.640 --> 00:21:48.240 So the Gottmans, John and Julie Gottman, have done probably the most profound work on relationships and connection. 00:21:48.319 --> 00:21:48.559 Okay. 00:21:49.039 --> 00:21:51.279 And I often think about this from a couple's perspective. 00:21:51.359 --> 00:21:58.799 So the greatest predictor of marriages that make it and marriages that don't come down to one thing after they're like multiple decades of research, and they can just sew it to one thing. 00:21:58.880 --> 00:21:59.039 Okay. 00:21:59.119 --> 00:22:03.839 So it's not a much more You have how much sex you have, how much uh alike or different you are. 00:22:04.160 --> 00:22:08.240 The greatest predictor of couples that make it in couples that don't is your capacity to repair. 00:22:08.799 --> 00:22:09.359 Whoa. 00:22:09.920 --> 00:22:11.920 Because it's critical for us. 00:22:12.400 --> 00:22:14.799 And you can't tell anybody how to apologize. 00:22:14.880 --> 00:22:15.839 You have to show them. 00:22:16.160 --> 00:22:20.559 One of the greatest things you will ever do with and for your children is to apologize to them. 00:22:20.799 --> 00:22:24.480 Apologize to your partner in front of them and mean it. 00:22:24.720 --> 00:22:26.079 Um, I've often said this. 00:22:26.160 --> 00:22:31.039 I mean, I remember I read this research early when I was writing Feeling Scene, and I was like, oh God, we gotta demonstrate this for our children. 00:22:31.119 --> 00:22:33.519 So Aaron and I had a big fight about something like ridiculous. 00:22:33.599 --> 00:22:35.599 And then I was like, hey, okay, get back in here. 00:22:35.759 --> 00:22:40.799 And so, like, we would apologize in private, you know, we would figure it out, or he would send a text or make me laugh or something like that. 00:22:40.880 --> 00:22:42.240 And I'd be like, Okay, fine, fine. 00:22:42.319 --> 00:22:42.960 That was ridiculous. 00:22:43.039 --> 00:22:43.440 I'm sorry. 00:22:43.519 --> 00:22:45.440 And I'm like, now we have to go apologize in front of the children. 00:22:45.519 --> 00:22:46.319 And he's like, What? 00:22:46.480 --> 00:22:48.799 I'm like, well, they need to know that they just had this. 00:22:48.960 --> 00:22:53.359 So like I would haul him out into the living room and be like, okay, babes, daddy would like to say something to me. 00:22:53.920 --> 00:22:55.359 And he's like, I love it. 00:22:55.680 --> 00:22:57.200 Mom said she's sorry. 00:22:57.359 --> 00:22:59.920 And I'm like, I that's not how it went. 00:23:00.079 --> 00:23:01.599 But I think it's it's so fascinating. 00:23:01.680 --> 00:23:10.079 You know, like when we, if you think about the square footage of the house that you were raised in, you know, if your parents had a knockdown shoot 'em out, uh, you knew about it. 00:23:10.319 --> 00:23:12.720 If they fixed it, you also knew about it. 00:23:12.960 --> 00:23:13.359 Right. 00:23:13.680 --> 00:23:16.559 And we we don't have that same capacity. 00:23:16.720 --> 00:23:19.119 And so you can't give away something you've never received. 00:23:19.200 --> 00:23:27.119 And so sometimes on purpose, it's a lot of our capacities to um repair, respond, and you know, sort of demonstrate what that looks like. 00:23:27.279 --> 00:23:29.039 Because, you know, I say this to teachers all the time. 00:23:29.279 --> 00:23:35.200 I work, you know, lots in the education system because teachers spend more waking hours with our babies in the run of a school week than their parents do. 00:23:35.359 --> 00:23:36.960 And teachers, thank you. 00:23:37.279 --> 00:23:39.599 Oh my gosh, they're the greatest investment right now of all time. 00:23:39.680 --> 00:23:39.839 Yeah. 00:23:40.240 --> 00:23:44.160 We've done a historically very poor job of that in many countries. 00:23:44.799 --> 00:23:49.519 But the idea is, you know, this capacity to know that we're gonna screw it up, we're gonna mess it up. 00:23:49.599 --> 00:23:52.559 We come from a generation that would suggest might is right. 00:23:52.880 --> 00:23:54.160 Do not show weakness. 00:23:54.400 --> 00:23:55.920 Consequences must be immediate. 00:23:56.160 --> 00:24:00.960 The hard part about that is that when your lid is flipped, if consequence is immediate, it is falling on deaf ears. 00:24:01.119 --> 00:24:05.440 Not because your kids cannot attend to it, it's because neurobiologically they can't. 00:24:05.680 --> 00:24:08.319 So I often think about these words that I think are so critical. 00:24:08.480 --> 00:24:21.039 These days, more than anything, in this attention-fragmented, overwhelmed, noisy world, you have to collect before you direct, which means you have to pull a prefrontal cortex on before you can teach or consequence or make sense of the behavior. 00:24:21.200 --> 00:24:22.799 Consequences are not bad. 00:24:22.960 --> 00:24:24.559 It's when you do them that matters. 00:24:24.640 --> 00:24:27.920 If you're consequencing when somebody's emotionally dysregulated, it's a waste of time. 00:24:28.000 --> 00:24:30.319 They'll say things like, Oh, yeah, fine, take it away. 00:24:30.559 --> 00:24:32.319 But then you're losing your iPad and your iPod. 00:24:32.480 --> 00:24:34.160
They're like, fine, you suck, take it all. 00:24:34.240 --> 00:24:37.920 And in your head, you're like, holy shit, we're it we're in trouble, right? 00:24:38.079 --> 00:24:38.240 Yeah. 00:24:38.400 --> 00:24:40.000 That baby's when you go next. 00:24:40.240 --> 00:24:40.640 Yes. 00:24:40.799 --> 00:24:42.720 That baby's not regulated, right? 00:24:42.960 --> 00:24:47.599 So when that happens to me, I always think, and it happens often, I need a timeout. 00:24:47.839 --> 00:24:50.720 I'm a massive believer in timeouts for you, not them. 00:24:51.039 --> 00:24:51.359 Okay. 00:24:51.519 --> 00:24:56.960 Because I don't know what we think, but when we send a kid, you know, out into the hallway or to their bedroom, what do you think they're doing in there? 00:24:57.119 --> 00:24:59.039 Just deep breathing and reflecting. 00:24:59.440 --> 00:25:02.720 They're 12, they're whatever, they're 34, doesn't matter, it never gets old. 00:25:02.799 --> 00:25:03.519 I'm gonna take a break. 00:25:03.599 --> 00:25:06.000 And and it, and then my lid comes back on. 00:25:06.480 --> 00:25:08.319 And then I teach, right? 00:25:08.720 --> 00:25:13.759 And it's like you're the you're the greatest investment of all time for your children. 00:25:13.920 --> 00:25:15.680 And I promise you your babies are doing okay. 00:25:15.759 --> 00:25:20.319 I promise you that when we think about them as regulated humans, their job is to lose their mind. 00:25:20.480 --> 00:25:21.440 I say this to parents all the time. 00:25:21.599 --> 00:25:22.640 I want their hearts to get broken. 00:25:22.720 --> 00:25:27.119 I want them to get fired from their jobs, all in the context of the safety of your relationship. 00:25:27.279 --> 00:25:33.279 Because as we walk them home, we're creating scripts for them to figure out how to do that when they get away from us. 00:25:33.519 --> 00:25:38.960 And part of the issue is we just want, most of the time, when I ask parents what they want for their kids, Rach, they say this. 00:25:39.119 --> 00:25:40.480 I just want them to be happy. 00:25:40.640 --> 00:25:42.240 It's so dumb, right? 00:25:42.400 --> 00:25:43.599 Because nobody's happy all the time. 00:25:43.680 --> 00:25:50.960 You and I didn't wake up this morning and be like, oh, I'm just so happy with this 50-year-old body, or I'm just so happy with this person I married, you know? 00:25:51.200 --> 00:25:52.319 We're not happy all the time. 00:25:52.480 --> 00:25:56.559 My greatest wish for your children and mine is that they have the capacity to feel all the emotions. 00:25:56.720 --> 00:26:01.200 And one of the greatest strategies to pull a lid back on are these simple words, ready? 00:26:02.000 --> 00:26:04.240 Tell me more. 00:26:04.480 --> 00:26:04.799 Yes. 00:26:05.039 --> 00:26:05.759 Curiosity. 00:26:06.000 --> 00:26:08.799 Because when people are losing their minds, I hate you, mom, you suck. 00:26:08.960 --> 00:26:09.680 This is so stupid. 00:26:09.759 --> 00:26:11.839 I'm never doing this
again, you fat cow. 00:26:12.079 --> 00:26:15.200 What we want is to teach in that moment, hey, enough. 00:26:15.359 --> 00:26:16.400 Watch your tone. 00:26:16.640 --> 00:26:17.920 That is, use your words. 00:26:18.000 --> 00:26:18.960 You don't speak to me like that. 00:26:19.119 --> 00:26:20.000 All of which are true. 00:26:20.799 --> 00:26:23.119 It's not if I'm gonna have that conversation, it's when. 00:26:24.000 --> 00:26:28.240 If I take a if I do this and go, that's not how I kidding. 00:26:28.400 --> 00:26:29.119 What is happening here? 00:26:29.279 --> 00:26:30.720 Tell me, hey, tell me more. 00:26:31.039 --> 00:26:31.359 What am I? 00:26:31.839 --> 00:26:33.039 I say this to my kids often. 00:26:33.200 --> 00:26:36.000 Mostly I say this to my team, but what am I missing? 00:26:36.880 --> 00:26:38.079 Uh, what's the hardest part? 00:26:38.240 --> 00:26:38.880 Well, I like that. 00:26:38.960 --> 00:26:39.759 What am I missing? 00:26:39.920 --> 00:26:40.160 Uh-huh. 00:26:40.240 --> 00:26:40.400 Yes. 00:26:40.559 --> 00:26:41.440 What's the hardest part? 00:26:41.599 --> 00:26:45.440 And and typically when I say tell me more, or what's the hardest part? 00:26:45.519 --> 00:26:47.200 I don't want it, I want I don't want you to tell me more. 00:26:47.279 --> 00:26:48.160 I've already figured it out. 00:26:48.240 --> 00:26:50.799 I just want you to listen for the love of all that is holy. 00:26:51.039 --> 00:26:53.759 But I am, tell me more, and what is the hardest part? 00:26:53.920 --> 00:26:57.519 Are really strategies for us as parents to get lids back online. 00:26:58.480 --> 00:27:04.960 And that works for your partner, that works for your employee, that works for the, you know, upset person at the coffee shop. 00:27:05.599 --> 00:27:10.079 The fundamental prerequisite of all of this is that it requires our own emotional regulation. 00:27:10.400 --> 00:27:14.960 So you are the greatest investment right now of all time, not because you're the problem, but because you're the solution. 00:27:15.119 --> 00:27:24.880 And we've spent a whole sort of decade talking about self-care, which is such BS, because you can drink all the KO and do all the yoga, but if you're doing it in a dysregulated body, it's a waste of time. 00:27:25.200 --> 00:27:35.519 So our greatest intervention right now is spending a lot of time wondering about where our shoulders are and dropping them, giving ourselves permission to be like, it's okay to rest, to nap. 00:27:35.599 --> 00:27:40.480 Well, we come from a generation where our dads would have said to us, taking a nap is asinine, you know, you're lazy. 00:27:40.960 --> 00:27:45.680 But our dads were raised in a generation where when they came home from work, nobody could get them. 00:27:46.160 --> 00:27:50.000 My work starts generally when I put my babies to bed. 00:27:50.400 --> 00:28:03.759 And so taking a rest during the day, napping, putting my shoulders down, doing a workout class, whatever the deal is, to sort of regulate my system doesn't happen anymore on nine to five. 00:28:04.079 --> 00:28:08.559 Because we were supposed to make hay while the sun shone because that's all we had time for. 00:28:08.720 --> 00:28:14.079 After that, everybody went home, shops were locked up, we had no access to anybody's, and Sundays were a day of rest. 00:28:14.240 --> 00:28:17.039 So you had to work your ass off Monday to Friday. 00:28:17.359 --> 00:28:21.839 And then the society built in this rest concept for us. 00:28:22.160 --> 00:28:24.960 We're not we're not made for this much noise. 00:28:25.200 --> 00:28:26.960 We're not made for this much stimulation. 00:28:27.119 --> 00:28:29.039 We don't even pee and we're checking our phones. 00:28:29.200 --> 00:28:32.319 Then we, as we said, you know, we strap ourselves to watches and rings. 00:28:32.559 --> 00:28:35.759 And then when our babies ask us a question, we're like, what? 00:28:37.680 --> 00:28:42.880 Because the concept of burnout isn't you isn't isn't a function of the work you do. 00:28:43.039 --> 00:28:45.519 It's a function of your ability or lack thereof to rest. 00:28:45.599 --> 00:28:47.039 And we are not good. 00:28:47.279 --> 00:28:49.119 We don't have a script for rest. 00:28:50.079 --> 00:29:04.319 And I love your point about how um you're you want your child to go through dysregulation in your own family, in your home, in your relationship more than anywhere else, because you're the person who's most connected to them. 00:29:04.400 --> 00:29:06.400 You're the person who can do that walk home. 00:29:06.559 --> 00:29:13.039 And also what I found fascinating was I I I recently wrote a Substack about this, is that we don't actually have to have an answer. 00:29:13.200 --> 00:29:14.559 And it took me a while to get that. 00:29:14.640 --> 00:29:18.880 And you know, I remember saying that to her mother and she said, They always feel like I need to give them an answer. 00:29:18.960 --> 00:29:20.240 And I said, No, no, no, you don't. 00:29:20.480 --> 00:29:22.720 You're not that good with a soft landing place. 00:29:22.880 --> 00:29:24.559 You just need to be able to listen. 00:29:24.960 --> 00:29:26.240 Collect before you direct. 00:29:26.559 --> 00:29:27.039 Collect. 00:29:27.200 --> 00:29:27.759 I love that. 00:29:28.000 --> 00:29:30.079 In fact, you don't even have the answer most of the time. 00:29:30.160 --> 00:29:32.880 And that's what, you know, when you come home from work, you don't want the answer. 00:29:33.039 --> 00:29:36.319 If you just said to your partner, Oh my gosh, this was awful. 00:29:36.559 --> 00:29:37.440 I hate people. 00:29:37.599 --> 00:29:38.319 This is so dumb. 00:29:38.400 --> 00:29:39.359 I want to throw punch everybody. 00:29:39.440 --> 00:29:40.000 You know what I'm gonna do? 00:29:40.079 --> 00:29:40.640 I'm gonna quit. 00:29:40.799 --> 00:29:42.400 What we don't want is somebody to fix it. 00:29:42.480 --> 00:29:45.359 We don't want somebody to be like, Oh, did you
drink your water today? 00:29:45.519 --> 00:29:46.480 Did you go for a run? 00:29:46.640 --> 00:29:50.720 Hey, you what you want is somebody to be like, okay, let me pour the wine. 00:29:50.880 --> 00:29:51.440 Come here. 00:29:51.599 --> 00:29:52.319 Tell me more. 00:29:52.480 --> 00:29:53.440 Tell me more, huh? 00:29:53.680 --> 00:29:56.319 Because you know I'm not gonna quit, generally speaking, right? 00:29:56.480 --> 00:30:00.160 I may feel like it, but you know, I I know what I need to do. 00:30:00.319 --> 00:30:02.400 And like, let me give an example of this in my practice. 00:30:02.559 --> 00:30:05.759 When people come to me and just say, you know what, um, can I see you, Dr. 00:30:05.839 --> 00:30:06.480 Carrington? 00:30:06.559 --> 00:30:07.920 I'm feeling anxious, depressed. 00:30:08.079 --> 00:30:09.039 Should I leave my husband? 00:30:09.200 --> 00:30:10.960 Should I ever talk to my mother-in-law again? 00:30:11.279 --> 00:30:13.200 I don't know, but you do. 00:30:13.920 --> 00:30:15.920 And my job is to walk you home. 00:30:16.160 --> 00:30:20.640 My job is to get you back out of your head and into your heart because you're like, this is so stupid. 00:30:20.720 --> 00:30:21.519 She's such a cow. 00:30:21.599 --> 00:30:22.640 I did this, I don't even know. 00:30:22.720 --> 00:30:23.599 I should have married my husband. 00:30:24.559 --> 00:30:24.960 Uh-huh. 00:30:25.119 --> 00:30:26.319 Some of those things might be true. 00:30:26.400 --> 00:30:30.559 But we need to bring you back to the best parts of you to regulate you to walk you home. 00:30:30.880 --> 00:30:33.440 It is what the best, what our best friends do. 00:30:33.920 --> 00:30:37.440 It is what's it's what's it is what the best leader does. 00:30:37.599 --> 00:30:40.960 And it is certainly why we fall in love with people. 00:30:41.440 --> 00:30:47.839 And when we fall in love with people, we we fall in love with people because they had at one point the capacity to regulate us. 00:30:47.920 --> 00:30:51.920 Now, the longer we stay with people, we tend to want to fix them. 00:30:52.240 --> 00:30:54.880 Because if they're not okay, we're not okay. 00:30:55.119 --> 00:30:55.440 Yeah? 00:30:55.599 --> 00:31:03.279 Like in our first date, I could listen all day long to my husband or our second date, where he's like, you know, I have this cold and I'm feeling yucky, and I just like whatever. 00:31:03.359 --> 00:31:06.480 And like in the beginning, I was like, oh, baby doll, I'll make you soup. 00:31:06.640 --> 00:31:12.480 Now we got three kids on the ground together, and you know, we're trying to lose our minds every single day, keeping everything afloat. 00:31:12.640 --> 00:31:16.400 And if he were to say to me, I'm so sick and tired, I'd be like, oh, you're fine. 00:31:16.640 --> 00:31:20.000 Because now we're in this position that if he's not okay, I'm not okay. 00:31:20.240 --> 00:31:21.279 He's my person. 00:31:21.759 --> 00:31:26.960 And so my intention isn't to sort of thwart his efforts for connection. 00:31:27.039 --> 00:31:27.920 It's self-serving. 00:31:28.000 --> 00:31:28.960 I want him to be okay. 00:31:29.039 --> 00:31:36.960 And I'm just concerned that if I like give into this process subconsciously, then he's gonna stay whiny and broken and I'll have to do all of this alone. 00:31:37.200 --> 00:31:40.319 And so the ID child on your hands, which is so true. 00:31:40.400 --> 00:31:43.279 And women, you know, I historically women are much better at this than men. 00:31:43.519 --> 00:31:44.640 I have two sons and a daughter. 00:31:44.720 --> 00:31:46.960 So this isn't about feminism versus patriarchy. 00:31:47.039 --> 00:31:49.200 It's patriarchy has been such a system that kills us. 00:31:49.279 --> 00:31:56.559 The highest rate of suicide in most countries around this globe are middle-aged men because we have come from generations that indicated this. 00:31:56.720 --> 00:31:58.240 Boys don't cry. 00:31:58.480 --> 00:32:00.880 And you see, anxiety and depression will not kill you. 00:32:01.119 --> 00:32:02.559 Not talking about it, might. 00:32:03.519 --> 00:32:11.200 So, this idea of tell me more, of bring me into an emotional language where I can regulate your neurochemistry, it is not only life-changing, it is life-saving. 00:32:11.440 --> 00:32:18.559 What we really stood out to me was you were talking about how the kids who need this most are the ones who are they're harder to deal with. 00:32:18.640 --> 00:32:21.519 We've got we've got teachers who listen, we've got all sorts of people who listen to this. 00:32:21.680 --> 00:32:34.799 If you've got a child who's quite defensive, who's lying, cheating, stealing, whatever, and they're difficult to reach, are there suggestions you can do for how can we help that child kind of calm down and feel safe with us? 00:32:35.119 --> 00:32:36.319 This is my favorite. 00:32:36.559 --> 00:32:39.440 So I work 10 years on a lock psychiatric inpatient unit for kids. 00:32:39.519 --> 00:32:42.000 So the hitters, the kickers, the biter, someone's a tight F off. 00:32:42.079 --> 00:32:43.440 I love those babies. 00:32:43.680 --> 00:32:54.319 And I'll tell you what, I learned nothing in grad school that equipped me for hanging on to some of the most dysregulated babies because I was trained to ask this question what is wrong with this one? 00:32:54.480 --> 00:33:00.000 And they came with litanyes of stacks of diagnoses and files the size of the St. 00:33:00.079 --> 00:33:00.559 James, eh? 00:33:00.720 --> 00:33:07.519 And it'd be like, this guy's a hitter, a kicker, a biter, this one got ADHD, ODD, CD, he's whatever, whatever, attachment disorder. 00:33:08.240 --> 00:33:09.680 We always ask what was wrong with this one. 00:33:09.759 --> 00:33:12.240 We never asked what happened to this one. 00:33:13.039 --> 00:33:16.000 And when you start to ask that question, what happened here? 00:33:16.400 --> 00:33:21.440 It evokes in us as parents, caregivers, teachers, empathy.
00:33:21.920 --> 00:33:24.160 And empathy is the antidote to burnout. 00:33:24.480 --> 00:33:28.640 I promise you, I've assessed and treated a thousand kids, and I have not met a bad one. 00:33:28.720 --> 00:33:30.720 I've met a lot of people who don't ask that question. 00:33:30.880 --> 00:33:32.480 Because we're we want them to be regulated. 00:33:32.559 --> 00:33:33.359 The intention is good. 00:33:33.519 --> 00:33:38.480 We want to fix them, we want to give them the strategies, the motivators and the triggers that's gonna keep them calm. 00:33:38.640 --> 00:33:48.079 But you have to figure out why they're doing it first because you can give them all the anxiety regulation strategies, but if they're getting the heck beat out of them at home, um, do not do that. 00:33:48.319 --> 00:33:51.119 You have to ask what has happened here first. 00:33:51.519 --> 00:33:54.319 It doesn't excuse or condone the behavior, don't get me wrong. 00:33:54.400 --> 00:33:54.720 Okay. 00:33:54.880 --> 00:33:58.240 It's not okay to hit and kick and lie and cheat and steal and tell people laugh off. 00:33:58.319 --> 00:33:59.920 Okay, but there's a reason. 00:34:00.319 --> 00:34:02.319 Every single time there's a reason. 00:34:02.640 --> 00:34:02.960 Really? 00:34:03.039 --> 00:34:03.279 Yes. 00:34:03.519 --> 00:34:07.200 And the job of big people is to figure out what happened here, not what's wrong here. 00:34:07.440 --> 00:34:07.519 Yes. 00:34:07.599 --> 00:34:09.840 And so go low and slow, as you said in the book. 00:34:10.079 --> 00:34:10.639 Oh my goodness. 00:34:10.719 --> 00:34:11.599 I'll give you an example of this. 00:34:11.679 --> 00:34:16.960 So oftentimes how I started writing books and speaking is so after I left the children's hospital, I met my husband. 00:34:17.039 --> 00:34:18.320 We had our babies, we moved to a small town. 00:34:18.480 --> 00:34:22.800 I opened a practice and I started to consult with schools in a rural part of our province. 00:34:22.960 --> 00:34:24.559 And um, there was not a lot of resources. 00:34:24.639 --> 00:34:26.960 And so teachers would be like, oh my God, we don't know what to do with this kid. 00:34:27.039 --> 00:34:28.639 We have never seen a kid like this. 00:34:28.719 --> 00:34:31.199 And I'd be like, Okay, which is quite common, you know. 00:34:31.360 --> 00:34:41.039 So I would come in and there would be a file and motivators and triggers and in, you know, individual program plans for these babies, and you know, all the best intentions, all these people just exhausted and overwhelmed and so committed to this child. 00:34:41.280 --> 00:34:43.280 And I would say, Okay, this is beautiful work. 00:34:43.360 --> 00:34:44.880 I just have a few questions, okay? 00:34:45.360 --> 00:34:46.719 Who can tell me his middle name? 00:34:46.880 --> 00:34:48.159 What level is he on in Fortnite? 00:34:48.320 --> 00:34:49.920 What's his favorite chocolate bar? 00:34:50.480 --> 00:34:51.280 Oh, yes. 00:34:51.760 --> 00:34:53.119 But
call it over his eyes. 00:34:54.159 --> 00:34:59.679 And when I start to get a team of people who can tell me those things, you watch that baby do amazing things. 00:35:00.239 --> 00:35:02.239 Because when you're acknowledged, you rise. 00:35:02.960 --> 00:35:07.599 And when we don't feel seen or acknowledged, we lose access to the best parts of us. 00:35:07.679 --> 00:35:10.960 So we have to stay in fight or flight just to get connection. 00:35:11.199 --> 00:35:14.000 We call it attention seeking, I call it connection seeking. 00:35:14.559 --> 00:35:23.039 And if all you know how to get connection is to say, shut up, you fat cow, or my hoodie's up, my hair's down, I'm not listening to anybody. 00:35:23.920 --> 00:35:27.119 We can only treat people the way we've been treated. 00:35:27.679 --> 00:35:30.400 The chaos is necessary to learn the calm. 00:35:30.639 --> 00:35:33.599 You have to get emotionally dysregulated to learn how to regulate. 00:35:33.760 --> 00:35:38.000 You could read all about building biceps and getting fit, but you have to do the work in order to do that, right? 00:35:38.079 --> 00:35:40.239 If you've never done a push-up in your life, you're not going to get a bicep. 00:35:40.480 --> 00:35:40.800 Okay. 00:35:41.119 --> 00:35:42.880 Same is true for emotional regulation. 00:35:42.960 --> 00:35:48.159 If I need to learn how to breathe through something or use my words or be kind, somebody has to show me that. 00:35:48.400 --> 00:35:50.880 Create that neural pathway again and again and again. 00:35:50.960 --> 00:35:57.280 When my lid is flipped and they bring me back home, that's creating a neural pathway that that baby will have access to when you're not there. 00:35:57.519 --> 00:36:00.880 And you have to put a lid back on umptee, million, hundred thousand times. 00:36:00.960 --> 00:36:08.320 That's why the job of parenting and teaching and educating and grandparenting, it's why it takes a village, because none of us are this good to do it alone. 00:36:08.480 --> 00:36:12.079 And we've never seen, never seen such a high rate of single-parent households. 00:36:12.320 --> 00:36:17.360 We've lost access to grandparent and grandparent like figures in the last 10 years, like we've never seen. 00:36:17.519 --> 00:36:23.360 The job of educators has never been this important because they are actually not doing the work of literacy and numeracy anymore. 00:36:23.440 --> 00:36:27.360 Because you can't teach literacy and numeracy if you're to emotionally dysregulated babies. 00:36:27.599 --> 00:36:32.079 And so, my biggest point in our country has been a lot of conversations about training of educators. 00:36:32.239 --> 00:36:35.679 Because if you get into this to teach literacy and numercy, you should get out. 00:36:36.239 --> 00:36:39.280 You have the holy calling of building relationships with humans. 00:36:39.440 --> 00:36:40.400 That's your job. 00:36:40.639 --> 00:36:43.679 And if you do that well, you will teach them astronomical
things. 00:36:44.000 --> 00:36:44.480 Fascinating. 00:36:44.719 --> 00:36:50.000 Are there things that we can be doing on a day-to-day basis where we can say we can put these things in place and this will help us? 00:36:50.239 --> 00:36:50.719 Yes. 00:36:50.880 --> 00:36:55.039 So there's five things that I talk about in kids these days, and there's a million, but I I'll just give you my top five. 00:36:55.119 --> 00:36:56.880 And they sort of go like in succession. 00:36:56.960 --> 00:36:57.199 Okay. 00:36:57.360 --> 00:37:02.000 So one is sort of before we even have that assholery-ish like behavior come up. 00:37:02.239 --> 00:37:05.280 So I want you to show genuine interest in the things they care about. 00:37:05.440 --> 00:37:08.960 So I want you to spend a little bit of time thinking about like what gets them right now. 00:37:09.119 --> 00:37:16.480 And it's usually things that you don't care about, like Starbucks, Sephora, silly, ridiculous, like Tyler the Creator, Sane Clown Posse. 00:37:16.719 --> 00:37:19.360 That's all music that they listen to, right? 00:37:19.519 --> 00:37:20.480 Clash of Clans. 00:37:20.559 --> 00:37:24.880 I just downloaded Clash of Clans on my phone so I can learn how to fight battles, Battle of the Clan. 00:37:25.119 --> 00:37:28.880 I can't remember some kind of game that both of my boys are playing right now. 00:37:29.039 --> 00:37:31.679 They're like, you can't support video games. 00:37:31.760 --> 00:37:32.800 Yeah, yeah, you can. 00:37:32.960 --> 00:37:34.239 You gotta meet them where they're at. 00:37:34.400 --> 00:37:48.480 I am over Taylor Swift, but I'll tell you, I know every single word to every single song that woman has ever, and she's you know, an icon, obviously, but I, you know, so we gotta show genuine interest in the things they care about. 00:37:48.719 --> 00:37:51.119 And likely you will not give a rip about it. 00:37:51.280 --> 00:37:55.599 But seeking first to understand, this is Stephen Covey's basic stuff on leadership. 00:37:55.679 --> 00:37:56.800 He stole it from the Bible. 00:37:56.880 --> 00:38:00.079 And he basically said, you seek first to understand before being understood. 00:38:00.239 --> 00:38:05.039 So trying to understand a 13-year-old right now is asinine because you're like, what is the snap face? 00:38:05.280 --> 00:38:07.119 Show me how you give me a filter. 00:38:07.199 --> 00:38:08.000 How do I do this? 00:38:08.159 --> 00:38:10.880 If you don't know what's cool right now, ask them. 00:38:11.119 --> 00:38:11.440 Ask them. 00:38:11.840 --> 00:38:12.000 Awesome. 00:38:12.159 --> 00:38:12.559 Just awesome. 00:38:12.719 --> 00:38:12.960 Yeah. 00:38:13.119 --> 00:38:15.920 So number one, showing genuine interest in the things they care about. 00:38:16.000 --> 00:38:19.119 You know, get to get to play video games, listen to their music, go for, okay? 00:38:19.360 --> 00:38:23.519 Number two, getting eyes is really important to me these days. 00:38:23.599 --> 00:38:28.400 Okay,
because we look at our kids far less than any generation prior to us ever have. 00:38:28.639 --> 00:38:32.639 And so I think about one of the greatest places to get eyes with your child. 00:38:32.719 --> 00:38:34.559 And people say, what about what if they're on the spectrum? 00:38:34.719 --> 00:38:44.079 What if, like, you know, if they're visually impaired, obviously physical proximity matters, but I even babies on the spectrum who are neurodivergent make eye contact to judge safety. 00:38:44.239 --> 00:38:52.960 And so I want you to really notice you being able to see their face is critical because you can tell more about what's going on with your baby rather than texting, you know, are you okay? 00:38:53.199 --> 00:38:53.679 Fine. 00:38:53.920 --> 00:38:57.440 And you take one look at their facial structure, you know, right? 00:38:57.599 --> 00:38:58.960 You've you you've raised these babies. 00:38:59.039 --> 00:39:00.000 You you've given birth to them. 00:39:00.079 --> 00:39:01.039 You you understand what's going on. 00:39:01.360 --> 00:39:02.719 So getting eyes becomes important. 00:39:02.800 --> 00:39:06.559 One of the most important things you can ever do with a teenager these days is go for a drive. 00:39:06.719 --> 00:39:08.000 Cars are so critically important these days. 00:39:08.079 --> 00:39:08.559 You wanna know why? 00:39:08.639 --> 00:39:10.239 Because they're locked in, they can't get out. 00:39:10.480 --> 00:39:14.159 And it affords us the only place where physical proximity is still a thing. 00:39:14.400 --> 00:39:14.719 Okay? 00:39:14.960 --> 00:39:16.800 And you're not, and you're and it's not too intense. 00:39:16.880 --> 00:39:17.679 It's like next time. 00:39:17.920 --> 00:39:18.559 You're side by side. 00:39:20.239 --> 00:39:21.360 So, really critical. 00:39:21.440 --> 00:39:24.239 Um, bedtime, regardless of age, still becomes important. 00:39:24.320 --> 00:39:27.199 I have a 15-year-old, so I always have to knock now before I do a tuck-in. 00:39:27.360 --> 00:39:28.800 But he's often in bed before I am. 00:39:28.880 --> 00:39:40.239 So even if I can do one night a week, one night a month, just to say, hey, can I just step in for a second and sit at the foot of the bed, grab onto their feet, especially if the lights are out, those are sometimes the best conversations. 00:39:40.400 --> 00:39:43.760 My 13-year-olds both, I tucked them both in last night for the first time in a couple of weeks. 00:39:43.920 --> 00:39:47.440 And Evan just said to me, Oh, this has been a long time since you rubbed my back, mom. 00:39:48.079 --> 00:39:50.800 And sometimes I get the best conversations. 00:39:50.960 --> 00:39:53.599 Mom, did I tell you that this kid was smoking weed? 00:39:53.840 --> 00:39:54.800 Tell me more. 00:39:55.840 --> 00:39:57.519 That great phrase, tell me more. 00:39:58.000 --> 00:40:02.320 You know, and my Libby said to me the other day, Oh, I got I got a huge crush and a boy named Jamie. 00:40:02.400 --> 00:40:09.840
And I so it's like really creating those spaces really happens in that the 007 secret trick for me is food. 00:40:10.480 --> 00:40:12.480 You cannot chew and swallow with a flip lid. 00:40:12.639 --> 00:40:14.079 It's neurobiologically impossible. 00:40:14.320 --> 00:40:16.480 And we come from a generation, right? 00:40:16.800 --> 00:40:19.119 We come from a generation where food is seen as a reward. 00:40:19.280 --> 00:40:21.119 You pick up your toys, you get a snack. 00:40:21.440 --> 00:40:23.199 You um, you know, do all these things. 00:40:23.280 --> 00:40:26.400 I'm gonna reward you with uh a cookie, whatever the deal is. 00:40:26.639 --> 00:40:31.360 And the hard part, particularly at the children's hospital, I would walk around everywhere with snacks in my pocket. 00:40:31.519 --> 00:40:35.199 So gummies, cookies, skittles, whatever, huh? 00:40:35.360 --> 00:40:37.280 Because you can't regulate a kid with a carrot stick. 00:40:37.360 --> 00:40:37.840 Don't be dumb. 00:40:38.000 --> 00:40:38.239 Okay. 00:40:38.480 --> 00:40:42.239 When we just had the worst breakup of our life, we were like, oh, I just want a salad. 00:40:42.400 --> 00:40:45.679 No, we wanted ice cream and wine, okay? 00:40:45.760 --> 00:40:47.519 And kids are the same, not the wine part. 00:40:47.599 --> 00:40:59.679 But they when they're really dysregulated, I would come onto a unit and like, for example, like if I take you to the nth degree and I have a kid hanging from the ceiling and they've destroyed something, um, I would walk in and be like, this is a tough one, eh? 00:41:00.000 --> 00:41:04.159 And the nurse would be like, if you give the kid a cookie, if you will award this behavior. 00:41:04.320 --> 00:41:11.039 So the idea would be I would sort of get eyes if I could, and if they were grunting or hissing, I have to stop speaking. 00:41:11.119 --> 00:41:15.119 Because if you can't produce language from a neurophysiological perspective, you can't process it. 00:41:15.360 --> 00:41:20.480 So if kids are going like this, and you are like, use your words. 00:41:20.639 --> 00:41:23.119 That's ridiculous because they can't process it yet. 00:41:23.280 --> 00:41:30.559 So if kids can't produce language, if if he's so distressed that he's just going like this to me, eh, my only job is to do this. 00:41:31.440 --> 00:41:31.760 Okay. 00:41:32.239 --> 00:41:40.559 And the second he can start to swear at me, I now know his lid is coming back on because he's now accessing his broca's and his Wernicke's area in the left prefrontal cortex. 00:41:40.639 --> 00:41:40.800 Okay. 00:41:40.880 --> 00:41:43.519 So he can be like, shut up, get out of here, you stupid cow. 00:41:43.679 --> 00:41:45.199 The question is, is now the time to teach? 00:41:45.280 --> 00:41:50.000 Should I be like, uh-uh, uh, uh, uh we don't use those words here at the Alberta Children's Hospital? 00:41:50.480 --> 00:41:53.920 No, because what would happen is his lid would just flip right? 00:41:54.480 --> 00:41:55.840 It's not time yet. 00:41:56.320 --> 00:41:58.880 So I might say to him, Oh my gosh, this was a rat, a bad one. 00:41:58.960 --> 00:41:59.599 Hey, Jacob. 00:41:59.679 --> 00:42:00.800 Yes, she's a stupid cow. 00:42:00.880 --> 00:42:02.159 She made me do my math sheet. 00:42:02.239 --> 00:42:02.559 I bet. 00:42:02.800 --> 00:42:03.760 I just got some snacks here. 00:42:03.840 --> 00:42:06.480 I'm wondering, do you want some some snacks? 00:42:06.719 --> 00:42:07.840 I don't like snacks. 00:42:08.639 --> 00:42:09.760 You got any cookies? 00:42:11.599 --> 00:42:12.079 Let me see. 00:42:12.159 --> 00:42:13.440 I think I got some here, yeah. 00:42:13.599 --> 00:42:19.119 And the second you can chew and swallow, then your lid comes back on, which means you're safer for me and everybody else. 00:42:19.679 --> 00:42:20.719 And now I teach. 00:42:20.960 --> 00:42:23.519 Now I say, This is a bad one, eh? 00:42:24.000 --> 00:42:27.360 And if you see kids do this, take that deep breath. 00:42:27.519 --> 00:42:28.880 You can't do that with a flip lid. 00:42:29.039 --> 00:42:30.960 So now I know he's coming back home to me. 00:42:31.599 --> 00:42:35.119 And now I'm gonna say, sh, you know, what happened here? 00:42:35.280 --> 00:42:37.519 You know, what what what should we do next, or whatever the deal is. 00:42:37.599 --> 00:42:44.559 And he might say, like, she told me if I didn't finish my math sheet, I couldn't go up for recess and I built that forward out there, and I don't know how to do math. 00:42:44.960 --> 00:42:45.440 I know. 00:42:45.840 --> 00:42:47.360 Math is hard for me too, buddy. 00:42:47.440 --> 00:42:48.960 Okay, come here, come sit here over here. 00:42:49.039 --> 00:42:50.239 Let's figure this out. 00:42:50.880 --> 00:42:53.679 And then we talk consequences if that's what's necessary. 00:42:53.840 --> 00:42:55.119 Then we talk about what's next. 00:42:55.199 --> 00:42:56.559 Okay, it's like a two-part process. 00:42:56.639 --> 00:42:58.480 I need to get that lid on, and then we teach. 00:42:58.639 --> 00:43:02.079 So he might say, Well, this is a really bad one, and I wrecked everything in here. 00:43:02.239 --> 00:43:04.079 Okay, well, what do you think we should do? 00:43:04.480 --> 00:43:06.719 Well, I could I could clean it all up. 00:43:06.960 --> 00:43:07.360 Yeah. 00:43:07.519 --> 00:43:08.719 I mean, I could help you do that. 00:43:08.880 --> 00:43:09.679 That's part of it. 00:43:09.920 --> 00:43:12.239 And I think maybe we need to apologize to Miss S. 00:43:13.280 --> 00:43:13.599 Okay. 00:43:14.239 --> 00:43:15.039 Can you help me? 00:43:15.199 --> 00:43:16.000 Yeah, I can. 00:43:16.079 --> 00:43:19.199 Because if nobody's never apologized to a kid, they can't give it away, right? 00:43:19.280 --> 00:43:21.360 So I am gonna show you how to do all these things. 00:43:21.519 --> 00:43:24.639 And now maybe you miss recess or maybe you have to do your master, whatever the deal is. 00:43:24.719 --> 00:43:26.000 The
consequence is really irrelevant. 00:43:26.159 --> 00:43:28.480 The teaching has just happened in the bringing home. 00:43:28.639 --> 00:43:29.599 That's what's critical. 00:43:29.679 --> 00:43:30.000 Okay. 00:43:30.159 --> 00:43:30.960 You you've noticed this. 00:43:31.039 --> 00:43:36.480 If you've ever seen a kid lose their friggin' mind and they're just like so awful, and then you bring them back home and they're the sweetest. 00:43:36.559 --> 00:43:38.800 And I say, like, what do you think we should do here to fix this? 00:43:38.960 --> 00:43:39.599 Well, okay. 00:43:39.760 --> 00:43:44.400 I thought I'm I'm gonna go I I'd like to paint the whole school and I never need to go up for recess again. 00:43:44.559 --> 00:43:49.280 You know, it's because the thing is when people are flipped, like you and me, when we're flipped, I say asinine things. 00:43:49.360 --> 00:43:56.960 You know, my kids play hockey, and when I get emotionally dysregulated on the bench as a mom, if they call a wrong thing, I'm like, What was that? 00:43:57.440 --> 00:43:58.400 What is wrong with you? 00:43:58.559 --> 00:43:59.840 Are you 13 and infect the rest of the house? 00:44:00.239 --> 00:44:01.039 Is 13. 00:44:01.199 --> 00:44:02.800 I'm a local psychologist. 00:44:02.880 --> 00:44:04.559 I'm screaming on the bench, right? 00:44:04.719 --> 00:44:07.119 We all get emotionally strangulated. 00:44:07.199 --> 00:44:09.599 Our job most of the time is how do we bring it back home? 00:44:09.679 --> 00:44:12.800 And the last thing I always think about is this is never an end game. 00:44:13.199 --> 00:44:14.559 They are such slow learners. 00:44:14.719 --> 00:44:16.239 It doesn't mean you're not doing it right. 00:44:16.719 --> 00:44:20.880 People will say this to me over and over again as we develop programs globally for schools. 00:44:21.039 --> 00:44:23.039 You know, this relationship stuff doesn't work. 00:44:23.519 --> 00:44:24.320 No, no, no, no. 00:44:24.400 --> 00:44:24.880 Look at me. 00:44:25.199 --> 00:44:27.440 It shouldn't work because it's getting undone every night. 00:44:27.679 --> 00:44:29.039 Their job is to lose their mind. 00:44:29.519 --> 00:44:30.639 Our job is to walk them back. 00:44:31.440 --> 00:44:32.559 Again and again and again. 00:44:32.639 --> 00:44:35.840 And where I want you to judge your parenting behavior is with other people's children. 00:44:36.320 --> 00:44:40.159 You're an amazing parent with other people's children because it's easier to stay calm. 00:44:40.239 --> 00:44:43.280 This is why grandparents tend to be better with their grandkids than their own personal children. 00:44:43.440 --> 00:44:46.480 Because you have less skin in the game, so you stay regulated more readily. 00:44:46.800 --> 00:44:49.840 I want you to judge your kid in the presence of your best friend. 00:44:50.880 --> 00:44:54.639 If you sent your teenovers to my teenagers to my house, you know, would they be okay, Rach? 00:44:54.719 --> 00:44:56.159 Would they would they use their manners? 00:44:56.320 --> 00:44:57.440 Would they be kind to my children? 00:44:57.760 --> 00:44:58.320 Oh, 100%. 00:44:58.639 --> 00:44:59.840 And people are always saying that to me. 00:44:59.920 --> 00:45:01.760 They're like, Your kids are the most amazing kids. 00:45:01.840 --> 00:45:04.000 They're so polite, they're so you know helpful. 00:45:04.159 --> 00:45:05.599 They're constantly asking what they can do. 00:45:05.679 --> 00:45:06.400 And I'm like, Really? 00:45:06.480 --> 00:45:07.119 Is that my child? 00:45:07.199 --> 00:45:08.960 Yeah, so you're that's my child. 00:45:09.280 --> 00:45:10.559 Your kid should be the worst with you. 00:45:10.960 --> 00:45:12.079 Then you're doing something right. 00:45:12.559 --> 00:45:16.480 And if you've ever got that compliment as a parent, you're you can retire. 00:45:16.639 --> 00:45:17.519 You're crushing it. 00:45:17.599 --> 00:45:19.039 Your babies are lucky to have you. 00:45:19.280 --> 00:45:24.239 You cannot judge your success as a parent by the feedback of your children in times of lid flip. 00:45:24.400 --> 00:45:27.519 What we're looking for is how they're doing outside of your presence. 00:45:27.599 --> 00:45:38.239 And that if they collapse when they come into your presence at the end of the day, at the end of a long school day, when they've been holding it together, or when they're on sports teams and they're doing their thing and they come home and like this kid's a jerk and this coach is awful. 00:45:38.400 --> 00:45:39.920 Like, yeah, tell me more. 00:45:40.159 --> 00:45:42.880 It's not how I want you to speak about people, but we're gonna get there. 00:45:43.360 --> 00:45:46.079 And I think, yeah, and I love I love you saying, yeah, tell me more. 00:45:46.159 --> 00:45:58.559 And I think one of the things that most of us really struggle with, and I know that I've struggled with it, but I'm getting better at it, is um not getting too emotionally engaged in the story they're telling me. 00:45:58.719 --> 00:46:03.119 So the problem is when you pick up their problem and decide that you've got to hold the problem. 00:46:03.360 --> 00:46:06.639 Because when you try and take the emotion from them, then you end up disregular. 00:46:06.880 --> 00:46:19.760 And my daughter told me, even explicitly, which is amazing, probably when she was about 14, she said to me, Mommy, one of the reasons why most kids won't tell their parents what's going on is because they think the parents don't care, or they think the parent will overreact. 00:46:20.719 --> 00:46:21.760 Two ends of the spectrum. 00:46:22.000 --> 00:46:23.679 Wow, she's so profoundly right. 00:46:23.920 --> 00:46:25.679 And yeah, and she's exactly right. 00:46:25.840 --> 00:46:33.760 And so that's the greatest work I think of parenting in this season of such overwhelm and such influx of data that suggests the kids are not okay. 00:46:33.920 --> 00:46:36.480 Um, they're exposed to way too many things, which is all true.
00:46:36.559 --> 00:46:50.159 But but our regulation, our time off social media, our capacity to find people who can remind us that we're doing a great job, seek platforms and communities like yours, like mine, that just say, uh, we're we're in this together. 00:46:50.320 --> 00:47:03.199 If we can't build villages like we used to in our small communities, let's do this in places where there's educated platforms where we can find data and support and connection and understand that we're none of us are going to get this right. 00:47:03.360 --> 00:47:09.519 And our only job is to to do it again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again, and the kids will be all right. 00:47:10.639 --> 00:47:17.679 And is there anything else you'd like to say to any parents who maybe are beating themselves up about uh about their parenting? 00:47:17.760 --> 00:47:21.760 You know, because I always say to people who listen to my podcast, you're a great parent. 00:47:21.840 --> 00:47:33.039 Because the fact that you're even taking time out of a very busy day to listen to anybody talking about parenting means you're seeking support and doing your best with what you've got. 00:47:33.599 --> 00:47:42.239 What what do you think with parents who are who are feel bad about losing it and you know having to say sorry and okay? 00:47:42.320 --> 00:47:44.079 So first of all, it should be this hard. 00:47:44.400 --> 00:47:45.199 I've said this so much. 00:47:45.360 --> 00:47:47.199 My husband and I were like looking at each other the other day. 00:47:47.280 --> 00:47:48.800 I was like, you know, I don't think we want kids. 00:47:48.960 --> 00:47:49.440 I think we're out. 00:47:49.599 --> 00:47:52.639 I think we should let them know that the ship was still out. 00:47:52.719 --> 00:47:53.840 It was it was a good time. 00:47:54.000 --> 00:47:56.960 I mean, we really enjoyed, we've had some nice memories, but we're done now, okay? 00:47:57.199 --> 00:47:58.800 Because it's only holy moly. 00:47:58.880 --> 00:48:03.760 I remember when we brought the twins home, I had three under two, and I said to my dad, I can't do this. 00:48:03.920 --> 00:48:08.000 He's like, Oh, babe, like the little kids, little problems, big kids, big problems. 00:48:08.079 --> 00:48:09.920 And I'm like, it gets worse than this. 00:48:10.800 --> 00:48:18.960 And now, you know, with three teenagers, I I mean, I've I've never loved them more, I don't think, because I just I'm enjoying this phase so much better than any other phase. 00:48:19.280 --> 00:48:19.599 Same. 00:48:19.760 --> 00:48:24.239 But but I've also just I've never felt this incompetent. 00:48:24.320 --> 00:48:28.159 I've never felt this scared, I've never felt this like level of failure. 00:48:28.400 --> 00:48:30.400 And and I know this stuff, right? 00:48:30.559 --> 00:48:36.159 If that's any solace, like as I said to you, like, you know, best-selling parenting book, I know this stuff in my core. 00:48:36.480 --> 00:48:39.039 I lose access to it all the time. 00:48:39.440 --> 00:48:50.239 And I think normalizing that experience, particularly in this season where we've never had a script and so much to compare to, we our greatest investment is not in our kids, it's in each other. 00:48:50.400 --> 00:48:50.960 That's wonderful. 00:48:51.039 --> 00:48:58.639 Thank you so much for filling up our cup and making us understand how important it is to just stay regulated and find our way back to it. 00:48:58.800 --> 00:49:00.480 And you'll screw it up, that's okay too. 00:49:00.559 --> 00:49:00.800 Okay? 00:49:01.119 --> 00:49:01.679 That's okay too. 00:49:02.000 --> 00:49:03.920 Come on back to Punch and I, we got you. 00:49:04.079 --> 00:49:05.519 Yeah, how many times a day? 00:49:05.599 --> 00:49:06.639 Not just whether you do it. 00:49:06.719 --> 00:49:13.360 I mean, it's um so if people want to get hold of you, because I'm sure they will, what should they do? 00:49:13.599 --> 00:49:16.159 Yeah, I mean, I would love your community to be a part of ours. 00:49:16.239 --> 00:49:21.280 Where drjodekerrington.com is where everything lands on our website, and I do lots of fun stuff on social. 00:49:21.519 --> 00:49:25.280 Um, we've created just such a safe, connected community where we have hard conversations. 00:49:25.440 --> 00:49:26.960 So come on over. 00:49:28.960 --> 00:49:29.840 Thank you very much. 00:49:30.000 --> 00:49:33.039 I'll put the contact details in the podcast notes. 00:49:33.280 --> 00:49:34.159 That's it from us. 00:49:34.239 --> 00:49:40.400 Uh, if you want to find out more about my podcast, it's www.teenagersuntangled.com. 00:49:40.559 --> 00:49:45.599 I'm on Substack, or you can email me at teenagersuntangled at gmail.com. 00:49:45.679 --> 00:49:47.440 I'm on Instagram, all the socials. 00:49:47.599 --> 00:49:49.119 Some of them are better than others. 00:49:49.199 --> 00:49:50.320 And that's pretty much it. 00:49:50.400 --> 00:49:51.360 Uh have a great week. 00:49:51.519 --> 00:49:52.559 Big hug from me. 00:49:52.800 --> 00:49:53.280 Bye bye. 00:49:53.440 --> 00:49:54.639 Big hug from me.
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