Fullstendig transkripsjon av What Really Matters When Raising Boys: Consent, Peer Pressure & Doing the Right Thing

many of 69 00:04:03.389 --> 00:04:07.120 our own painful memories and experiences from our own past. 70 00:04:08.460 --> 00:04:10.879 Fair warning in case this isn't for you or if 71 00:04:10.900 --> 00:04:13.139 you just want to moderate who's around while you listen. 72 00:04:14.060 --> 00:04:17.930 There's some cursing by me. I was fired up about 73 00:04:17.939 --> 00:04:20.389 this topic. I still am. You can probably hear it 74 00:04:20.410 --> 00:04:23.290 in my voice and apparently that gets reflected in some 75 00:04:23.310 --> 00:04:27.089 of my vocabulary choices. Finally, I want to share this 76 00:04:27.129 --> 00:04:29.620 from a true place of my own fear and vulnerability, 77 00:04:29.800 --> 00:04:32.360 but I debated putting this out there because I worry 78 00:04:32.379 --> 00:04:35.240 that what I'm about to share could be interpreted through 79 00:04:35.319 --> 00:04:38.540 a one thing is true lens. Wait, so you're talking 80 00:04:38.560 --> 00:04:41.139 about all the factors that led to this horrific behavior? 81 00:04:41.170 --> 00:04:44.009 Are you saying it's not that person's fault? I'm not 82 00:04:44.069 --> 00:04:47.930 saying that. I believe people are fully accountable for their behavior, 83 00:04:48.689 --> 00:04:52.269 and I believe that we have to be deeply curious 84 00:04:52.769 --> 00:04:55.149 about all the different factors that tend to lead to 85 00:04:55.189 --> 00:04:58.410 that type behavior. I'm holding those two things as true 86 00:04:58.449 --> 00:05:02.800 at the same time. Full accountability, full curiosity. I don't 87 00:05:02.839 --> 00:05:05.699 know how else we could ever help people change or 88 00:05:05.759 --> 00:05:09.459 help other people get to a different outcome. All right, 89 00:05:10.019 --> 00:05:21.509 let's get into it. Okay, three things... I want to 90 00:05:21.589 --> 00:05:26.189 acknowledge before there are three big themes I want to 91 00:05:26.230 --> 00:05:32.149 talk to you about. Okay, number one, reading, seeing a 92 00:05:32.990 --> 00:05:36.310 story like what's happening at Cornell, the sexual assault allegations, 93 00:05:37.209 --> 00:05:38.529 I just want to name it does not just make 94 00:05:38.569 --> 00:05:41.689 us think about raising our kids. I think it brings 95 00:05:41.740 --> 00:05:45.019 a lot of us right back to experiences we've had 96 00:05:45.060 --> 00:05:47.810 in our own lives. I always think the body I 97 00:05:47.850 --> 00:05:50.430 have today is the same body I was born with, right? 98 00:05:50.449 --> 00:05:53.029 You too. Which just means it's the collector. It's the 99 00:05:53.089 --> 00:05:56.009 holder of every single experience. And we don't get to 100 00:05:56.060 --> 00:05:59.259 pick and choose which ones like stay closed. And when 101 00:05:59.319 --> 00:06:03.399 something evokes emotion in the news, it evokes an emotion 102 00:06:03.420 --> 00:06:05.279 in our body where a story has been held. Or 103 00:06:05.300 --> 00:06:07.160

maybe we don't have a story. It's just like a 104 00:06:07.220 --> 00:06:11.060 collection of disparate memories. And whether we want to or not, 105 00:06:11.620 --> 00:06:15.490 it all comes up. And so that's probably going on. 106 00:06:16.269 --> 00:06:19.529 for a lot of us. I don't have, I don't 107 00:06:19.550 --> 00:06:24.430 have a quick or slow solution to that. I just 108 00:06:24.449 --> 00:06:27.959 want to name it. I also think this can make 109 00:06:28.000 --> 00:06:29.879 us look back on something where we didn't understand it 110 00:06:30.120 --> 00:06:33.560 and think, wait, like, did I want that? Did I 111 00:06:33.639 --> 00:06:36.300 ever want that? Did I tell myself a story because 112 00:06:36.319 --> 00:06:38.199 I'm used to trying to come back to the center 113 00:06:38.300 --> 00:06:40.339 and maybe now that didn't feel good at all and 114 00:06:40.500 --> 00:06:47.600 that's normal too. Okay. Two. We are not parenting in 115 00:06:47.620 --> 00:06:50.800 a vacuum. I am very aware of my passion for 116 00:06:50.839 --> 00:06:54.610 psychology and the limitations of psychology. I'm a big fan 117 00:06:54.620 --> 00:06:56.709 of two things are true, right? Not choosing a side 118 00:06:56.750 --> 00:06:58.829 in a way. Our boys are growing up in a 119 00:06:58.870 --> 00:07:02.350 much bigger culture. They are taking in messages from social media, 120 00:07:02.389 --> 00:07:06.709 from pornography, from friends, from sports culture, fraternity culture, text culture, 121 00:07:07.089 --> 00:07:09.889 the way people talk about girls and women, the way 122 00:07:10.230 --> 00:07:13.250 groups talk to each other when adults aren't around. And 123 00:07:14.079 --> 00:07:18.160 They're constantly learn what gets laughed at. What? Oh, I 124 00:07:18.180 --> 00:07:21.180 guess people say that it's not a big deal. What 125 00:07:21.199 --> 00:07:25.250 gets rewarded? What gets excused? What gets normalized? What power 126 00:07:25.290 --> 00:07:29.870 looks like? What masculinity looks like? What it means to belong? 127 00:07:31.350 --> 00:07:32.329 You know, I think a lot about how a boy 128 00:07:32.350 --> 00:07:34.600 gets angry during the game and he's competitive and has 129 00:07:34.639 --> 00:07:36.860 fire and a girl gets angry and she's dramatic and 130 00:07:36.879 --> 00:07:40.250 making a big deal out of nothing. A friend does 131 00:07:40.310 --> 00:07:44.389 something you know is wrong and you're caught between like, quote, 132 00:07:44.410 --> 00:07:47.319 doing the right thing and loyalty. And is loyalty keeping 133 00:07:47.379 --> 00:07:49.759 our mouth shut? And how did I absorb that? Because 134 00:07:49.779 --> 00:07:51.860 I don't feel like my parents teach me that, but 135 00:07:51.879 --> 00:07:55.439 it's happening around me, right? None of these moments on 136 00:07:55.459 --> 00:07:58.040 their own seem like a big deal. But our boys 137 00:07:58.180 --> 00:08:02.500 are absorbing very, very loud cultural messages outside of our home. 138 00:08:02.920 --> 00:08:06.930 And again, I just need to name that for all 139 00:08:06.939 --> 00:08:09.569 of us. I think we're all aware. And oddly enough, 140 00:08:09.589 --> 00:08:12.790 that brings me to point three, okay? Which is in 141 00:08:12.829 --> 00:08:15.209 some ways why parenting matters more than ever. And I 142 00:08:15.209 --> 00:08:16.870 want to be clear about this because I think I 143 00:08:16.930 --> 00:08:19.850 say that and people will say, so what I do 144 00:08:19.870 --> 00:08:23.259 at home will overpower the culture around my son? No. 145 00:08:25.769 --> 00:08:29.339 But I just think it's the wrong question. I think 146 00:08:29.360 --> 00:08:33.539 the better question is, can I establish patterns in my 147 00:08:33.600 --> 00:08:37.159 home knowing they have an inordinately large impact on my son? 148 00:08:38.799 --> 00:08:46.000 So what feels familiar to my son based on those 149 00:08:46.059 --> 00:08:51.870 patterns later when he encounters something that will feel at 150 00:08:52.330 --> 00:08:57.009 odds with everything he's learned in our home until that point. 151 00:08:59.210 --> 00:09:05.120 It's not overpowering culture. It's having what's called dissonance. What's dissonance? 152 00:09:05.179 --> 00:09:09.740 It's nothing but that fancy. I think dissonance, okay, is 153 00:09:09.779 --> 00:09:14.259 our ability to say, huh? What? I don't know about that. 154 00:09:15.259 --> 00:09:18.320 That doesn't really have a magnet in my body to 155 00:09:18.379 --> 00:09:21.470 attach to. Now, do I think that's the answer? That 156 00:09:21.500 --> 00:09:24.129 your kid has that experience and then everything's good in 157 00:09:24.149 --> 00:09:28.730 the world? I don't know. I'm a realist, okay? But 158 00:09:29.090 --> 00:09:32.509 I do know that childhood establishes what's familiar and normal 159 00:09:32.690 --> 00:09:35.299 in the body. And if my son learns that I 160 00:09:35.340 --> 00:09:39.519 can be disappointed and nobody has to fix that feeling 161 00:09:39.580 --> 00:09:43.179 for me. If my son learns, I've learned how to 162 00:09:43.580 --> 00:09:47.639 notice other people before they put words to their experience. 163 00:09:49.110 --> 00:09:51.649 I learned to trust an internal voice and not just 164 00:09:51.710 --> 00:09:54.990 pay attention to what's happening in the group. Those things 165 00:09:55.070 --> 00:09:59.330 feel familiar. They feel like home. And then later when 166 00:09:59.370 --> 00:10:03.440 he's around some dehumanizing disgusting something everyone's going along with 167 00:10:03.500 --> 00:10:06.779 and normalizing he's gonna have a sense of i don't 168 00:10:06.840 --> 00:10:10.610 know there's gonna be dissonance now again what does that 169 00:10:10.669 --> 00:10:15.350 promise us nothing i'm not there's not a one-to-one But 170 00:10:15.450 --> 00:10:19.289 I know that matters, not because parenting has overpowered culture,

171 00:10:19.629 --> 00:10:23.690 because what that kid is encountering doesn't match what he's 172 00:10:23.730 --> 00:10:27.990 practiced and seen and experienced over and over again. All right. 173 00:10:31.090 --> 00:10:34.570 Let's jump in. My overall thesis that I've been thinking 174 00:10:34.610 --> 00:10:36.860 a lot about, okay, not thesis, that sounds too clean, 175 00:10:37.460 --> 00:10:39.480 but is that I think we spend too much time 176 00:10:40.200 --> 00:10:43.320 making sure our boys know the right answer And not 177 00:10:43.379 --> 00:10:47.090 enough time helping them build the emotional skills to act 178 00:10:47.179 --> 00:10:52.250 on that knowledge when it costs them something. Should you 179 00:10:52.309 --> 00:10:56.289 respect someone's no? Yes. Do you think you should speak 180 00:10:56.389 --> 00:11:00.549 up when something bad is happening? Yes, mom. Yes, dad. 181 00:11:02.769 --> 00:11:06.940 Our kids aced that test. But now add in rejection, 182 00:11:07.080 --> 00:11:11.139 which might happen. Add wanting to belong. Add if I 183 00:11:11.200 --> 00:11:12.759 say something, my friends are going to turn on me. 184 00:11:14.009 --> 00:11:16.870 If our kids don't have the emotional skills and the 185 00:11:16.990 --> 00:11:22.070 practice to manage those moments, knowing the right answer won't 186 00:11:22.169 --> 00:11:26.110 necessarily translate to doing the right thing. And you and 187 00:11:26.190 --> 00:11:29.269 I know this. I have a question for you. Should 188 00:11:29.309 --> 00:11:32.629 you yell at your kids? No, Becky, are you going 189 00:11:32.649 --> 00:11:36.279 to yell at your kids tonight? No. Well, what if 190 00:11:36.299 --> 00:11:38.340 I'm overwhelmed? What if I haven't been taking care of myself? 191 00:11:38.399 --> 00:11:40.519 What if it's the exact moment that triggers me? I 192 00:11:40.659 --> 00:11:45.490 know the right thing. If I don't have the emotional skills, 193 00:11:46.000 --> 00:11:49.330 knowing the right thing doesn't translate. It's a precursor. I 194 00:11:49.389 --> 00:11:51.289 have to know the right thing to do the right thing. 195 00:11:51.330 --> 00:11:53.649 But what's in between our emotional skills in the moment? 196 00:11:56.370 --> 00:12:00.090 So let's talk about three patterns that really matter when 197 00:12:00.129 --> 00:12:03.970 our kids are young. That matter to establish in lower 198 00:12:04.029 --> 00:12:10.789 stakes moments now that build the emotional skills boys will 199 00:12:10.809 --> 00:12:13.940 need when the stakes are higher. I want to make 200 00:12:13.960 --> 00:12:16.740 sure before we go in, I'm talking about patterns, okay? 201 00:12:17.120 --> 00:12:20.220 I'm not talking about, a pattern isn't anything 100%, right? 202 00:12:21.080 --> 00:12:24.080 So everything I talk about, please don't take in through, okay, 203 00:12:24.340 --> 00:12:28.240 if I don't do that one time, my kid isn't, no, no, no, no. Patterns, 204 00:12:28.240 -->

00:12:29.919 80% of the time, something we're going to do from 205 00:12:29.950 --> 00:12:32.370 this point forward more often than we did, that's the 206 00:12:32.409 --> 00:12:37.169 best it gets. Okay, number one, we must help our 207 00:12:37.210 --> 00:12:44.039 kids handle not getting what they want. Our sons must 208 00:12:44.139 --> 00:12:51.539 learn to hear no and learn to tolerate their own distress. Translation, 209 00:12:52.080 --> 00:12:54.779 set boundaries, real ones, and let your kid be upset. 210 00:12:55.000 --> 00:12:58.120 I'll say it again. That's the simplest version. Set boundaries, 211 00:12:58.379 --> 00:13:01.230 real ones, let your kid be upset. So let's jump 212 00:13:01.250 --> 00:13:03.409 into this. You have to say no to your kid, 213 00:13:03.769 --> 00:13:05.429 and then you have to let your kid be upset 214 00:13:05.789 --> 00:13:10.259 about your no. There is no better practice for the 215 00:13:10.299 --> 00:13:13.039 type of situations we want our boys to be emotionally 216 00:13:13.120 --> 00:13:16.389 prepared for than every time we say no to seemingly 217 00:13:16.909 --> 00:13:21.889 unrelated things to those consent situations later. It's the same skill. 218 00:13:22.750 --> 00:13:25.230 Every time your kid really wants something and you say no, 219 00:13:25.470 --> 00:13:29.350 now to be clear, not randomly. So say no, that 220 00:13:29.370 --> 00:13:32.230 doesn't work. But because you actually believe it's the best 221 00:13:32.269 --> 00:13:35.649 thing for your kid long-term. Your kid is not just 222 00:13:35.889 --> 00:13:41.970 processing that moment. Invisibly underneath, your kid is forming rules 223 00:13:42.409 --> 00:13:48.789 about how relationships work. So maybe I'm saying no to 224 00:13:48.850 --> 00:13:51.250 ice cream, screen time, a play date for some reason, 225 00:13:51.269 --> 00:13:53.169 whatever it is. That's not what our kid takes in. 226 00:13:53.210 --> 00:13:55.720 This is what your kid takes in. What happens when 227 00:13:55.750 --> 00:13:58.379 I want something and another person doesn't give it to me? 228 00:13:59.679 --> 00:14:02.820 What happens? Think about the implications. When I want something, 229 00:14:04.399 --> 00:14:08.100 someone else doesn't give it to me. The patterns that 230 00:14:08.139 --> 00:14:11.440 we have in childhood will help your son answer the 231 00:14:11.460 --> 00:14:14.129 question in one of two ways. Ready? One pattern. Wow, 232 00:14:14.210 --> 00:14:17.490 disappointment stinks. It really stinks. I really don't like this feeling. 233 00:14:17.509 --> 00:14:21.149 And I'm seeing over time, I don't really start liking it, 234 00:14:21.990 --> 00:14:25.000 but I am able to handle it. You know what 235 00:14:25.039 --> 00:14:30.360 else I'm realizing? It's not your fault that I feel disappointed. 236 00:14:31.159 --> 00:14:33.899 And it's not your job to make this feeling in 237 00:14:33.940 --> 00:14:41.299 me go away. and our relationship

can still be okay. 238 00:14:43.299 --> 00:14:46.480 Or they learn a very different lesson. When I'm disappointed, 239 00:14:46.519 --> 00:14:49.259 something has gone wrong between us, and your job, your 240 00:14:49.279 --> 00:14:51.779 job is to fix this. Your job is to change 241 00:14:51.799 --> 00:14:55.210 your mind so I can feel better. And if you don't, oh, 242 00:14:55.950 --> 00:14:57.570 my disappointment is your fault. You did it to me. 243 00:14:57.990 --> 00:15:01.590 You did this feeling to me, and you could take 244 00:15:01.629 --> 00:15:05.519 it away, but you won't. And Empathy, these people talk about. 245 00:15:06.080 --> 00:15:07.919 What empathy? I'm not going to have empathy for you. 246 00:15:08.240 --> 00:15:15.120 You are the aggressor. You did this to me. That 247 00:15:15.230 --> 00:15:20.850 sounds extreme. It's not. If we consistently think it's our 248 00:15:20.909 --> 00:15:23.990 job to take away our kids' disappointment, to bring them 249 00:15:24.009 --> 00:15:27.450 into happy, they're learning a much bigger lesson than being 250 00:15:27.490 --> 00:15:30.480 taken out to ice cream every time. And those two 251 00:15:30.539 --> 00:15:33.179 lessons are a blueprint our kids take into the relationships 252 00:15:33.200 --> 00:15:37.899 they have outside our homes. Very practical examples. Little kids. 253 00:15:38.740 --> 00:15:41.700 One more show. One more book. Leaving the playground. Whatever 254 00:15:41.759 --> 00:15:44.299 you're saying that you know helps your family run is 255 00:15:44.320 --> 00:15:46.539 the right thing. Your kid's not going to applaud you. 256 00:15:46.990 --> 00:15:50.730 They're not going to say, good idea. When they're really upset, 257 00:15:51.429 --> 00:15:53.629 after you say one show and then you turn it off, 258 00:15:54.110 --> 00:15:56.429 We're leaving the playground in five minutes, sweetie. And if 259 00:15:56.470 --> 00:15:57.789 it's too hard for you to leave, I will pick 260 00:15:57.809 --> 00:15:59.379 you up and carry you to the car. Yes, this 261 00:15:59.389 --> 00:16:02.559 stuff happens that young, too. You really wanted another show. 262 00:16:03.200 --> 00:16:06.879 I know. We're done. TV is off. Remote's already in 263 00:16:06.899 --> 00:16:09.679 your hand. And then you stop talking. That's the intervention. 264 00:16:10.919 --> 00:16:12.720 I know you wanted another book. You can give me 265 00:16:12.740 --> 00:16:14.179 the book you wanted, and I'm going to take it 266 00:16:14.259 --> 00:16:16.220 out so I remember it tomorrow, but I'm not reading 267 00:16:16.259 --> 00:16:21.899 any more tonight, sweetie. Stop talking. Older kids. Maybe your 268 00:16:21.919 --> 00:16:24.210 kid's wanting to go somewhere and they're not really being 269 00:16:24.269 --> 00:16:26.210 clear on like, what car are you getting him to 270 00:16:26.230 --> 00:16:28.549 go 45 minutes away? And you kind of hear like, 271 00:16:28.570 --> 00:16:31.929 I don't even know or trust that person. Everyone else's 272 00:16:31.970 --> 00:16:35.230 parents let them. Maybe they do, right? I believe you. 273 00:16:35.990 --> 00:16:38.480 And I'm still saying no. I know you wish my 274 00:16:38.519 --> 00:16:42.379 answer was different. The decision's already been made. My favorite 275 00:16:42.399 --> 00:16:48.860 line recently. This decision's already been made. And I stopped talking. 276 00:16:50.159 --> 00:16:52.600 And I know what you're thinking, okay? Okay. But then 277 00:16:52.659 --> 00:16:59.919 my kid is upset. I have like this kind of shift, okay? No. 278 00:17:01.840 --> 00:17:05.309 And then your kid is upset. I know that seems semantics. 279 00:17:05.369 --> 00:17:09.710 It's not. Not but then. And then your kid is upset. Yeah, 280 00:17:09.750 --> 00:17:13.819 like people feel when someone stops them from getting what 281 00:17:13.839 --> 00:17:16.849 they want. This is literally the situation you and I 282 00:17:16.910 --> 00:17:20.430 are dreaming for. If only I had opportunities to help 283 00:17:20.470 --> 00:17:22.269 my kids see they're not always going to get what 284 00:17:22.309 --> 00:17:26.150 they want. That other people, and especially their moms who 285 00:17:26.170 --> 00:17:30.069 are an example of women to them, don't always think 286 00:17:30.130 --> 00:17:32.980 it's their job to relieve your disappointment. This is a 287 00:17:33.079 --> 00:17:38.579 dream scenario for me. I mean, not like dream scenario enjoyable. 288 00:17:38.839 --> 00:17:43.539 It's 0% enjoyable, okay? But dream scenario, if I really 289 00:17:43.599 --> 00:17:48.109 want to be on this project of raising good kids. 290 00:17:49.690 --> 00:17:55.579 We're practicing now. And the thing I think that is 291 00:17:55.660 --> 00:17:57.339 so important to know, and I realize I need to 292 00:17:57.380 --> 00:18:01.779 say more often, this takes years to, but my kid 293 00:18:01.799 --> 00:18:04.480 has a huge reaction, Dr. Becky, but my kid, and 294 00:18:04.500 --> 00:18:06.299 then we have, we have all these labels and they 295 00:18:06.359 --> 00:18:08.789 all matter. They all matter. They're all real, whatever the 296 00:18:08.809 --> 00:18:11.950 label is. But then it's almost like we use the 297 00:18:11.970 --> 00:18:14.509 label not to understand them, but to like stop doing 298 00:18:14.529 --> 00:18:16.789 the thing all kids need. Nobody is supposed to always 299 00:18:16.809 --> 00:18:19.390 get what they want. The kids who have the biggest reactions, 300 00:18:19.910 --> 00:18:23.170 even more proof this is such a worthy project. That's 301 00:18:23.339 --> 00:18:27.160 terrifying in 10 years. That's the kid I better really 302 00:18:27.200 --> 00:18:30.839 work on my boundaries with. Oh my goodness. Not to 303 00:18:30.880 --> 00:18:34.799 become a dictator, no. But to actually do this out 304 00:18:34.839 --> 00:18:40.829 of love for my son. So it takes a really 305 00:18:40.869 --> 00:18:46.950 long time.

Thousands of experiences. And I think that thought, well, 306 00:18:46.990 --> 00:18:50.410 it's not working. He's still furious. Your goal isn't that 307 00:18:50.430 --> 00:18:52.990 your kid stops being furious. The goal is over thousands 308 00:18:53.029 --> 00:18:56.390 of experiences. Something starts to change in what he does 309 00:18:56.549 --> 00:18:59.450 with the fury. That's all. Fury's still there. What he 310 00:18:59.589 --> 00:19:03.559 does with it changes thousands of experiences. So say this 311 00:19:03.599 --> 00:19:07.700 with me. The boundary is my job. The disappointment is his. Now, 312 00:19:07.720 --> 00:19:10.640 that doesn't mean I don't care. Stop making a big deal. No, 313 00:19:10.740 --> 00:19:14.299 I care. It's just not mine. Isn't that literally the 314 00:19:14.319 --> 00:19:17.380 whole thing we want boys to realize? Women don't own 315 00:19:17.400 --> 00:19:24.009 your disappointment. That's your disappointment. That literally lives in your body. 316 00:19:26.049 --> 00:19:29.990 Women aren't the caretakers and the problem solvers of your disappointment. 317 00:19:31.890 --> 00:19:37.289 It's toxic. Okay. Okay. Here's something really important. What about 318 00:19:37.309 --> 00:19:40.119 when the disappointment turns to blame? And again, you can 319 00:19:40.150 --> 00:19:44.059 write me true if you're like this happens. Somehow, and 320 00:19:44.099 --> 00:19:49.930 I think this pattern is really important, okay? There's this pattern. 321 00:19:50.019 --> 00:19:54.720 where my son gets disappointed and it's like someone else's fault. 322 00:19:55.259 --> 00:19:58.759 It's not just like protest, fault. Like, you did this 323 00:19:58.799 --> 00:20:03.369 to me. You ruined my day. If you actually cared 324 00:20:03.400 --> 00:20:06.710 about me, you'd let me watch another show. Just hear 325 00:20:06.750 --> 00:20:11.059 that through our new lens. If you actually cared about me, 326 00:20:11.160 --> 00:20:15.839 you'd blank. There are kids who say that. There's personality. 327 00:20:15.859 --> 00:20:17.680 I'm going to be honest. These are the kids. Oh 328 00:20:17.740 --> 00:20:20.609 my goodness, we've got to commit to this project. We 329 00:20:20.680 --> 00:20:24.710 have to commit to this project. We have to take 330 00:20:24.750 --> 00:20:26.829 this seriously and not say, and I mean this, you're here. 331 00:20:27.049 --> 00:20:30.329 This is not a one-time thing for you. Because underneath 332 00:20:30.369 --> 00:20:34.309 those sentences, a belief is starting to take shape. My 333 00:20:34.470 --> 00:20:38.279 feeling is your problem. You caused it, so you have 334 00:20:38.319 --> 00:20:41.720 to fix it. This looks almost harmless in a five-year-old. 335 00:20:42.240 --> 00:20:47.119 It is not harmless in a 20-year-old. No way. Disappointment 336 00:20:47.220 --> 00:20:50.220 is inevitable. The question isn't whether our kids will feel disappointed. 337 00:20:50.579 --> 00:20:53.000 It's whether they learn to experience disappointment as their own 338 00:20:53.039 --> 00:20:55.720 feeling that eventually they see they can manage or as 339 00:20:55.859 --> 00:21:00.119 evidence someone has wronged them and now owes them relief. 340 00:21:02.039 --> 00:21:05.170 So what do we do? We don't say, stop blaming 341 00:21:05.190 --> 00:21:07.829 me to our five-year-old. We don't shame them for being entitled. 342 00:21:09.450 --> 00:21:11.460 We're going to really, really try hard not to give 343 00:21:11.519 --> 00:21:15.140 in until the feeling disappears because that's the perpetuation. We 344 00:21:15.180 --> 00:21:18.740 hold the boundary with fewer words than we think. Maybe 345 00:21:18.759 --> 00:21:21.420 put little words to what's happening underneath. I'm going to 346 00:21:21.440 --> 00:21:25.940 model this. You ruined my whole night. You ruined my 347 00:21:25.980 --> 00:21:27.170 whole night. You know what I'm going to say back? 348 00:21:27.180 --> 00:21:31.230 You wish I say yes. You're disappointed. That's all. And 349 00:21:31.269 --> 00:21:32.869 by the way, is my son going to say back 350 00:21:32.890 --> 00:21:35.789 to me, oh my goodness, you're so right. Yeah, you're right. 351 00:21:35.809 --> 00:21:39.849 This is my disappointment, not your responsibility. Zero percent. And 352 00:21:39.890 --> 00:21:41.630 he might even say, stop saying that. I'm still going 353 00:21:41.650 --> 00:21:44.990 to say it sometimes. I'm not using my kid's reaction 354 00:21:45.029 --> 00:21:47.170 as a barometer for whether I said the thing that 355 00:21:47.210 --> 00:21:51.859 has to be said sometimes. No way. This is, okay, 356 00:21:51.880 --> 00:21:56.259 this is a big one. You promised, so you have to. 357 00:21:58.559 --> 00:22:02.250 You promised you'd take me to ice cream. You promised 358 00:22:03.109 --> 00:22:07.190 I could watch the show. So you have to. I 359 00:22:07.269 --> 00:22:10.269 did say we'd go. And I get why you're pissed 360 00:22:10.869 --> 00:22:15.170 that the plan changed. We're not going. We are not 361 00:22:15.210 --> 00:22:16.869 trying to get our kids to admit that we're right. 362 00:22:17.690 --> 00:22:22.160 We are trying to help rewire a pattern that's started forming. 363 00:22:22.539 --> 00:22:26.539 And we have time. The pattern. I'm disappointed. You caused this. 364 00:22:26.859 --> 00:22:29.940 You need to fix it. I'm disappointed. This is a 365 00:22:29.980 --> 00:22:34.430 feeling in my body. I can cope with it. I 366 00:22:34.470 --> 00:22:37.349 want you to start listening for this everywhere. Because there's 367 00:22:37.369 --> 00:22:41.039 a huge difference between those coaches are so biased, it's bullshit. 368 00:22:41.650 --> 00:22:47.039 And I'm embarrassed I didn't make the team. There's a 369 00:22:47.059 --> 00:22:51.799 big difference between those refs sucked, seriously sucked. And I 370 00:22:51.920 --> 00:22:55.430 can't believe we lost to that team. And there's a 371

00:22:55.509 --> 00:22:58.930 big difference between you have to take me to ice cream, 372 00:22:58.950 --> 00:23:01.410 you promised. And wait, you said we'd go and now 373 00:23:01.450 --> 00:23:07.289 we can't? That sucks. I'm pissed. Now, let me just say, 374 00:23:08.500 --> 00:23:12.250 sometimes the coach is biased. Sometimes the ref did make 375 00:23:12.289 --> 00:23:15.329 a bad call. And sometimes you do promise your kid 376 00:23:15.369 --> 00:23:18.289 something and then the day changes and now you can't. 377 00:23:19.799 --> 00:23:22.799 My heart's racing, okay? But you know what else? Sometimes 378 00:23:22.859 --> 00:23:26.079 a group text seems funny until it doesn't. Sometimes you're 379 00:23:26.099 --> 00:23:28.759 thinking all day about having sex with a girl you've 380 00:23:28.779 --> 00:23:32.079 been flirting with. Maybe she even sends you a direct text, 381 00:23:32.480 --> 00:23:35.500 essentially promising sex that night, and then she changes her 382 00:23:35.599 --> 00:23:46.710 fucking mind. That happens. No one owes our boys continued humor. 383 00:23:47.589 --> 00:23:50.910 No one owes our boys and later men the fulfillment 384 00:23:51.269 --> 00:23:55.240 of their sexual desire. Our boys owe other people the 385 00:23:55.269 --> 00:23:59.369 ability to tolerate their own disappointment without turning it into entitlement. 386 00:24:04.089 --> 00:24:06.930 And so the next time we all are thinking, is 387 00:24:06.990 --> 00:24:10.829 it really worth holding the boundary about screen time or 388 00:24:10.869 --> 00:24:14.430 dessert or bedtime? Ask yourself a different question. Is it 389 00:24:14.490 --> 00:24:17.950 worth helping my kid get better at handling this feeling? 390 00:24:20.990 --> 00:24:24.509 Because the lower stakes moments are where the emotional skills 391 00:24:24.569 --> 00:24:28.150 get built before the stakes are high. And holy shit, 392 00:24:28.250 --> 00:24:31.019 are our kids going to need them. Your son will 393 00:24:31.039 --> 00:24:36.700 need them. My heart's racing. I'm just going to give 394 00:24:36.740 --> 00:24:44.630 myself a moment. Okay. Second point I want to make. 395 00:24:45.470 --> 00:24:49.490 We must help our boys notice other people. If step 396 00:24:49.569 --> 00:24:52.059 one is kind of helping our boys notice and tolerating 397 00:24:52.079 --> 00:24:55.720 the feelings in them, number two is kind of a compliment. 398 00:24:56.039 --> 00:24:57.900 We have to help our boys get better at noticing 399 00:24:57.920 --> 00:25:02.579 what's happening outside themselves, other people's faces, their bodies, their reactions, 400 00:25:02.640 --> 00:25:05.650 the room, the environment. Think about the next time your 401 00:25:05.670 --> 00:25:07.589 son interrupts you on the phone. I get it. Me too. 402 00:25:07.630 --> 00:25:10.950 Stop interrupting me. Go beyond the behavioral level. And this 403 00:25:11.009 --> 00:25:13.710 is a nice conversation, not a mean one. Hey, when 404 00:25:13.750 --> 00:25:15.650 you came into my room, did you notice I was 405 00:25:15.710 --> 00:25:19.700 on the phone? What? What do you think that means? 406 00:25:19.740 --> 00:25:21.099 I mean it. You're not in trouble. What do you 407 00:25:21.119 --> 00:25:25.099 think that means? What do you think that means about 408 00:25:25.119 --> 00:25:28.799 how available I am? And it's so interesting. Whenever I 409 00:25:29.059 --> 00:25:31.420 think about these words, they're all the same words. How 410 00:25:31.539 --> 00:25:34.559 available am I right now to do the thing you 411 00:25:34.599 --> 00:25:38.500 want me to do? Yeah, I wasn't so available. So 412 00:25:38.539 --> 00:25:42.539 glad we see that now. Your son is teasing his sister. 413 00:25:42.859 --> 00:25:46.549 She laughs. Then she stops laughing and looks at the floor. 414 00:25:46.940 --> 00:25:48.859 And he keeps going. So instead of just stop bothering 415 00:25:48.880 --> 00:25:51.819 your sister, what's wrong with you? What if we try later? 416 00:25:51.859 --> 00:25:54.579 Hold on. You're not in trouble. I just actually want 417 00:25:54.599 --> 00:25:57.099 to figure something out with you. Your sister laughed, right? 418 00:25:58.960 --> 00:26:01.890 And then she went from like seeming into it and 419 00:26:01.950 --> 00:26:04.740 liking it. And then did you just notice something? Oh, 420 00:26:04.750 --> 00:26:07.670 you didn't? I'll say it. It's new. She looked at 421 00:26:07.690 --> 00:26:13.710 the floor. So interesting. So often people are telling you 422 00:26:13.730 --> 00:26:15.910 what's going on for them with their body, not their words. 423 00:26:17.299 --> 00:26:21.859 What do you think she's saying? Hmm, you're not sure? 424 00:26:21.920 --> 00:26:23.859 That's okay. This is a new skill. We're going to 425 00:26:23.880 --> 00:26:26.680 keep practicing it. I think she's saying, I don't like 426 00:26:26.720 --> 00:26:35.240 that anymore. I wonder if she's saying, please stop. We 427 00:26:35.299 --> 00:26:38.869 want our sons to have practice. Noticing that was good. 428 00:26:39.470 --> 00:26:43.390 And now someone's not into it. Right? Because one day, 429 00:26:43.829 --> 00:26:45.349 our sons are going to be hooking up with someone. 430 00:26:45.970 --> 00:26:49.450 And they'll seem into it. And then something will shift. 431 00:26:50.890 --> 00:26:53.089 And it'll kind of be that same circuit. Hold on. 432 00:26:53.730 --> 00:26:58.329 I've already had practice noticing someone joining me in excitement 433 00:27:00.099 --> 00:27:02.759 to me still being excited and them not. This isn't 434 00:27:02.799 --> 00:27:07.359 my first time. My first time really practicing that while 435 00:27:07.619 --> 00:27:09.980 sex hormones are going through my body and maybe drugs 436 00:27:10.019 --> 00:27:12.809 or alcohol are involved. Like, it can't be the first time. 437 00:27:12.829 --> 00:27:20.730 You can do better than that. Right? noticing. And that's

438 00:27:20.750 --> 00:27:22.849 a really powerful word just to start using. What if 439 00:27:22.930 --> 00:27:27.430 I thought about noticing as a skill? You know, I 440 00:27:27.470 --> 00:27:29.769 also think you can do this in your environment instead 441 00:27:29.829 --> 00:27:32.750 of like giving your kids chores. What if they take 442 00:27:32.809 --> 00:27:35.539 a zone? I love this idea. Your zone is the kitchen. 443 00:27:35.880 --> 00:27:37.619 And at least once a day, you just go notice 444 00:27:37.630 --> 00:27:40.960 something and then you do it, right? Instead of just 445 00:27:40.980 --> 00:27:45.799 being told what to do. Oh, you noticed that the 446 00:27:45.819 --> 00:27:50.210 counter was dirty. That's amazing noticing. And then you cleaned it. Awesome. 447 00:27:51.069 --> 00:27:52.829 You're no longer just telling your kid what to do 448 00:27:52.970 --> 00:27:56.630 and they don't build the skill of noticing. Noticing people, 449 00:27:56.750 --> 00:27:59.029 noticing nonverbal cues. Think of this like as a skill 450 00:27:59.390 --> 00:28:01.240 and it almost takes away our anger. And again, it's like, 451 00:28:01.259 --> 00:28:05.440 this is great practice. Okay, the third thing we must do. 452 00:28:06.740 --> 00:28:09.960 We must help our kids think for themselves and trust 453 00:28:10.000 --> 00:28:14.829 themselves even when the group pulls the other way. If 454 00:28:14.869 --> 00:28:18.069 your friends were all texting something really disrespectful about a girl, 455 00:28:18.170 --> 00:28:21.690 what would you do? I would tell them to stop. Okay, great. 456 00:28:22.230 --> 00:28:25.369 This kid knows the right answer. Again, knowing the right 457 00:28:25.430 --> 00:28:31.119 answer is a necessary and completely insufficient part of actually 458 00:28:31.180 --> 00:28:34.200 doing the right thing in the moment. Right? Again, I 459 00:28:34.200 --> 00:28:36.200 have a question. Who knows the right answer? Write me 460 00:28:36.279 --> 00:28:39.150 if you know the right answer about scrolling on your 461 00:28:39.190 --> 00:28:50.720 phone before bed. Me. Me. Right? Nope. If that knowledge 462 00:28:50.880 --> 00:28:58.279 is insufficient. Nope. Like, it's actually just a basic behavioral principle. 463 00:28:58.759 --> 00:29:02.420 Teaching knowledge and having emotional skills to apply knowledge, just 464 00:29:03.049 --> 00:29:09.190 totally different things, right? Your kids know the right answer, right? 465 00:29:09.349 --> 00:29:13.420 So we have to help them. And helping them involves 466 00:29:13.460 --> 00:29:16.339 getting real. Like we have to be honest about it, right? 467 00:29:17.339 --> 00:29:19.700 So our kids and our son will tell us at 468 00:29:19.740 --> 00:29:21.869 the kitchen, like I would tell them to stop. But 469 00:29:21.930 --> 00:29:24.750 now picture it's his best friend who started it. It's 470 00:29:24.789 --> 00:29:29.450 his soccer team, right? And he kind of knows something 471 00:29:29.470 --> 00:29:33.170 doesn't feel right, but saying something is a legitimate risk. 472 00:29:33.769 --> 00:29:35.869 And like, again, as a world, and this is such 473 00:29:35.890 --> 00:29:37.809 an amazing, why i feel safe talking in this community 474 00:29:38.069 --> 00:29:40.299 we can hold nuance it's a risk oh it's a 475 00:29:40.380 --> 00:29:45.460 risk to do the right thing well kind of like 476 00:29:45.500 --> 00:29:46.960 if we're not going to be moralistic and we want 477 00:29:46.980 --> 00:29:50.279 to be realistic you know what's real to that 14 478 00:29:50.279 --> 00:29:52.460 year old his friends are going to say you're a 479 00:29:52.559 --> 00:29:56.079 loser his friends might not invite him to the next 480 00:29:56.119 --> 00:30:00.829 friday night like Sure. Is it a risk morally? No. 481 00:30:01.269 --> 00:30:04.069 Is it a risk personally for what a kid and 482 00:30:04.170 --> 00:30:06.049 an adult is thinking? No, it is. And I'm not 483 00:30:06.069 --> 00:30:07.349 afraid to name that because I think if we don't 484 00:30:07.430 --> 00:30:09.789 name that, how are we ever going to help with 485 00:30:09.809 --> 00:30:12.009 the real life situations these things happen in? We have 486 00:30:12.049 --> 00:30:16.859 to be real. So I want you to picture... So 487 00:30:16.880 --> 00:30:21.200 let me pause for a second. I also think there's 488 00:30:21.220 --> 00:30:25.940 another element of this, okay? We'll get to the risk. We... 489 00:30:26.609 --> 00:30:33.309 I think in so much of parenting, completely unintentionally undermine 490 00:30:33.710 --> 00:30:40.869 our kids' intuition for the sake of our or the 491 00:30:40.910 --> 00:30:43.390 perceived sense of comfort we're giving to our kid. I 492 00:30:43.430 --> 00:30:46.109 think the number one thing to even manage the risk 493 00:30:46.170 --> 00:30:48.690 of being different is we have to at least start 494 00:30:48.730 --> 00:30:50.880 by helping our kid trust themselves enough to even know, 495 00:30:51.180 --> 00:30:53.180 hold on, this is a little messed up. Picture an 496 00:30:53.200 --> 00:30:57.390 eighth grader, okay? It's Friday night. Everyone is going to 497 00:30:57.410 --> 00:31:00.009 someone's house. Maybe you're friends with all the parents of 498 00:31:00.049 --> 00:31:02.849 those boys. And everyone's like, oh, you guys, our boys 499 00:31:02.890 --> 00:31:04.230 are all going to this house. And you're like, that's 500 00:31:04.250 --> 00:31:08.750 so weird. My son isn't going. My son actually messaged 501 00:31:08.769 --> 00:31:10.650 me from school saying he's just going to be in tonight. 502 00:31:12.359 --> 00:31:14.779 So you ask your son at home and he's like, nah, 503 00:31:14.799 --> 00:31:17.319 I don't really want to go. Now, I want to 504 00:31:17.359 --> 00:31:19.299 be honest. Okay, I do this too. This is not 505 00:31:19.339 --> 00:31:22.170 above this. It's so hard to be at our best. 506 00:31:22.529 -->

00:31:25.430 It's so easy. Like, what? Why do you want to 507 00:31:25.450 --> 00:31:27.619 stay home? All your friends are going. Come on, go 508 00:31:28.099 --> 00:31:32.859 have fun. Like, what if underneath I don't want to 509 00:31:32.900 --> 00:31:36.220 go is something he can't even articulate, but it's like, 510 00:31:36.279 --> 00:31:37.880 I just know the parents aren't going to be home 511 00:31:37.920 --> 00:31:39.980 and there's going to be alcohol. There's this group of 512 00:31:40.059 --> 00:31:43.279 kids coming and whenever they're around, it's bad news. Yeah, 513 00:31:43.319 --> 00:31:44.839 I guess all my friends are going, but I'm just 514 00:31:44.859 --> 00:31:48.769 kind of tired and I'd rather get sleep. Something about 515 00:31:48.809 --> 00:31:52.319 this doesn't feel right to me. Whenever I think about it, 516 00:31:52.319 --> 00:31:56.109 I'm like, holy shit. Am I the one as the 517 00:31:56.140 --> 00:32:01.109 parent questioning the very thing that I would want my 518 00:32:01.150 --> 00:32:03.569 kid to listen to in a couple years and they're 519 00:32:03.589 --> 00:32:09.109 out of my house? I guess I am. Right? There's 520 00:32:09.130 --> 00:32:11.390 going to be a feeling. And I believe our boys 521 00:32:11.410 --> 00:32:14.069 still have this of like, yeah, no, I'm not into that. 522 00:32:14.890 --> 00:32:18.150 This isn't okay. I'm leaving. I want to stop this. 523 00:32:18.190 --> 00:32:20.970 I'm telling someone. I don't want to do what you 524 00:32:20.990 --> 00:32:25.309 guys are doing. And I don't want the voice after 525 00:32:25.329 --> 00:32:28.200 to be, well, I'm supposed to want what everyone else wants. 526 00:32:29.119 --> 00:32:34.380 Maybe I'm wrong. If I teach my kid to orient 527 00:32:34.440 --> 00:32:37.960 too much to the group, I end up sometimes teaching 528 00:32:38.140 --> 00:32:41.059 my son that his hesitation is wrong, that other people 529 00:32:41.099 --> 00:32:44.329 have a better read on what he should do than 530 00:32:44.349 --> 00:32:48.490 he does. And that's what I think we really need 531 00:32:48.509 --> 00:32:52.410 to stop teaching. Now, again, there's nuance. This doesn't mean 532 00:32:52.470 --> 00:32:55.799 our kids' inclinations are always right. Oh, you want to 533 00:32:55.819 --> 00:32:57.500 stay home? Stay home. For all I know, my kid 534 00:32:57.539 --> 00:32:59.160 is always staying home and on video games and they 535 00:32:59.200 --> 00:33:01.039 no longer even want to talk to other kids. Like, 536 00:33:01.319 --> 00:33:06.900 there's nuance here. But remember, like, helping your kid trust 537 00:33:07.259 --> 00:33:11.299 what he's feeling doesn't always mean his feelings will dictate 538 00:33:11.339 --> 00:33:14.309 his decision, but it does mean that feeling is real 539 00:33:14.349 --> 00:33:16.970 in some way. There's something to listen to or just 540 00:33:17.029 --> 00:33:19.740 be curious about. And that's, I think, the thing we 541 00:33:19.779 --> 00:33:23.779 need to do more of. Get curious. It is the 542 00:33:23.839 --> 00:33:28.980 parenting superpower. I actually just am obsessed with questions. I'm 543 00:33:29.000 --> 00:33:31.549 just obsessed with questions. Like, I have so many more 544 00:33:31.660 --> 00:33:34.410 questions after someone asks me one thing. I'm like, I 545 00:33:34.430 --> 00:33:37.789 can't answer that question. I need to know 20 things. 546 00:33:37.809 --> 00:33:40.849 I guess I think whatever someone says, whether it's a 547 00:33:40.869 --> 00:33:43.769 statement or a question, it's like a door into a room. 548 00:33:44.130 --> 00:33:47.089 I kind of like get in the room first. I 549 00:33:47.109 --> 00:33:50.980 gotta like learn more. It's always just the starting point. 550 00:33:51.039 --> 00:33:53.900 It's always just the tip of the iceberg. We need 551 00:33:53.920 --> 00:33:56.599 to be curious and learn more across the board. It 552 00:33:56.660 --> 00:34:00.140 helps your kid trust themselves. It helps them flesh things out, okay? 553 00:34:00.539 --> 00:34:03.089 So what does that sound like in this situation? And 554 00:34:03.109 --> 00:34:05.450 sometimes it's not really a question, but it's a pontification 555 00:34:05.490 --> 00:34:07.470 to learn more. Oh, you're not going? I'm sure you 556 00:34:07.490 --> 00:34:09.610 have a reason for not wanting to go. And then 557 00:34:09.650 --> 00:34:13.489 stop talking. This is a great sentence. I'm sure you 558 00:34:13.530 --> 00:34:16.150 have a reason for that. Then you have to stop talking. 559 00:34:16.539 --> 00:34:19.030 My new thing is counting to 14. 14 is like 560 00:34:19.050 --> 00:34:22.130 such a random number that you'll actually remember it because 561 00:34:22.150 --> 00:34:25.269 we have to then let that land. Like if you're 562 00:34:25.289 --> 00:34:27.449 always used to your partner or boss like telling you 563 00:34:27.489 --> 00:34:29.969 why you should do something and then you're like, hey, 564 00:34:30.070 --> 00:34:32.010 I need to do this thing. And they're like, I'm 565 00:34:32.030 --> 00:34:37.469 sure you have a reason for that. Like, hmm? We 566 00:34:37.510 --> 00:34:39.699 like move into the next thing right away. But do 567 00:34:39.739 --> 00:34:41.079 you want to go? You know, like you got to 568 00:34:41.099 --> 00:34:44.039 give your kid's body a second to absorb the profound 569 00:34:44.119 --> 00:34:46.360 gift you just gave them. Yeah. You know what? If 570 00:34:46.380 --> 00:34:49.460 I thought that, if I heard that, I thought, well, 571 00:34:49.559 --> 00:34:53.119 what is my reason? What is my reason? Maybe now 572 00:34:53.139 --> 00:34:55.699 I'm going to try to figure that out with my parent, right? 573 00:34:55.719 --> 00:34:58.550 It's such a gift. Or just, huh, tell me more. 574 00:34:59.590 --> 00:35:01.809 You don't do that. There's something about not adding what, 575 00:35:01.889 --> 00:35:04.389 what is it, right? Again,

that's it. There's something about 576 00:35:04.409 --> 00:35:05.909 this you're not into. It's not about soccer today you're 577 00:35:05.929 --> 00:35:08.320 not into. And I know you're like, my kid's gonna 578 00:35:08.340 --> 00:35:11.280 give me nothing or say, I don't know. Your curiosity 579 00:35:11.340 --> 00:35:14.670 still sends a signal. The feelings inside you are real. 580 00:35:15.170 --> 00:35:17.710 Wouldn't we love our sons when they're in some nasty 581 00:35:17.750 --> 00:35:21.070 text to have a feeling and just say, I think 582 00:35:21.090 --> 00:35:24.170 there's a reason for this feeling. I don't know what 583 00:35:24.190 --> 00:35:28.079 it is. But yeah, there's something about this that doesn't 584 00:35:28.119 --> 00:35:31.380 feel right. Kind of the best it gets to get 585 00:35:31.400 --> 00:35:36.559 you to pause, right? So we're gonna try to notice 586 00:35:37.170 --> 00:35:40.130 and help our kids trust feelings instead of insinuating over 587 00:35:40.170 --> 00:35:42.300 and over that they should go along with the crowd. 588 00:35:43.179 --> 00:35:45.280 And then let's talk about action. And so what we 589 00:35:45.300 --> 00:35:48.380 really have to do with our boys is practice actual words. 590 00:35:48.639 --> 00:35:51.960 Give them some reps. And this is where the nuance matters. 591 00:35:52.880 --> 00:35:55.309 What if someone was saying disrespectful stuff about a girl? 592 00:35:55.789 --> 00:35:58.869 Would you say something? I would. This is where I'd say, 593 00:36:00.730 --> 00:36:04.730 what might make that hard? Well, It's not hard. It's 594 00:36:04.750 --> 00:36:06.380 the right thing to say. Oh, I get it. Like, 595 00:36:06.469 --> 00:36:09.659 if my kid can't articulate what would make it hard 596 00:36:09.699 --> 00:36:11.679 to do, I mean this. This is just me. I 597 00:36:11.719 --> 00:36:13.409 wouldn't even believe they'd have a chance of doing it. 598 00:36:14.300 --> 00:36:17.099 I just don't believe it. Like, you're telling me you're 599 00:36:17.119 --> 00:36:19.070 going to be the 16-year-old boy in a group of friends, 600 00:36:19.489 --> 00:36:22.150 and you have the group of friends who says nasty 601 00:36:22.190 --> 00:36:26.150 stuff like that, and you're like, not hard? No, not hard. What? 602 00:36:26.230 --> 00:36:27.710 I'd want them to articulate it. As soon as you 603 00:36:27.769 --> 00:36:30.090 talk about something that's hard, you're more likely to overcome 604 00:36:30.110 --> 00:36:32.179 the hard. You don't have the fear around it. What 605 00:36:32.199 --> 00:36:34.739 would be hard about that? Well, I know, no, it's okay. 606 00:36:34.800 --> 00:36:37.139 I actually think it would be hard. This is where 607 00:36:37.199 --> 00:36:38.570 it's the stuff I have to say in this. Again, 608 00:36:38.590 --> 00:36:41.030 I don't want it to be misperceived, right? But this 609 00:36:41.110 --> 00:36:44.250 is real. This is so real. It can be hard 610 00:36:44.289 --> 00:36:48.829 to do the right thing. It can. Okay, so that 611 00:36:48.849 --> 00:36:50.989 would be hard. I get that. Well, I have a question. 612 00:36:52.639 --> 00:36:55.760 What is realistic to say? Let's say if it's in 613 00:36:55.800 --> 00:36:57.300 a text and this is where you should throw out 614 00:36:57.360 --> 00:37:01.000 ideas and have internal joy when your kid rejects you, right? 615 00:37:01.019 --> 00:37:03.739 Because you could say, Like, would a kid your age say, hey, guys, 616 00:37:03.780 --> 00:37:06.610 that's not nice? And let your kid be like, no, 617 00:37:06.849 --> 00:37:08.929 that's not what the text is going to say. Oh, 618 00:37:09.110 --> 00:37:10.889 what would it say? I don't know. Someone would probably say, 619 00:37:10.929 --> 00:37:15.090 that's fucked. Yeah, that's probably what someone would say. Your 620 00:37:15.110 --> 00:37:17.829 kid just heard themselves say it once. They already have 621 00:37:17.949 --> 00:37:21.760 one rep. They're probably going to need more. They have one. Right? No, 622 00:37:21.800 --> 00:37:27.360 that's not funny. Bro, stop. Right? That's fucked. Great. Never 623 00:37:27.400 --> 00:37:29.159 been more happy for you to use a curse word 624 00:37:29.280 --> 00:37:32.519 than in that situation and to stop some fucked up shit, okay? 625 00:37:34.019 --> 00:37:36.179 So you want your kid to reject yours. You want 626 00:37:36.219 --> 00:37:38.119 them to say no one would say that. Again, it 627 00:37:38.460 --> 00:37:41.280 makes you say, okay, well, my kid's about a second 628 00:37:41.300 --> 00:37:43.699 away from telling me what they would say. And then 629 00:37:43.800 --> 00:37:45.239 let your kid say something that would come out of 630 00:37:45.280 --> 00:37:48.909 their mouth. And then this is really important. We have 631 00:37:48.989 --> 00:37:52.489 to give our kids a plan B. There's a lot 632 00:37:52.530 --> 00:37:54.989 between saying the right thing and your plan A and 633 00:37:55.030 --> 00:37:59.949 doing the thing. And I think that whole arc really matters. Okay? Okay. 634 00:38:00.679 --> 00:38:02.489 What if you freeze and you still have that feeling 635 00:38:02.510 --> 00:38:04.289 like this isn't right? And you're like, I even know 636 00:38:04.309 --> 00:38:05.750 what to say, but you just can't. Mom, I'm not 637 00:38:05.769 --> 00:38:07.769 going to do that. But you might. And that doesn't 638 00:38:07.789 --> 00:38:09.730 mean you're weak. And that doesn't mean I'd be mad 639 00:38:09.750 --> 00:38:11.730 at you. And that doesn't mean you're a bad person. 640 00:38:11.750 --> 00:38:14.210 You might. Our bodies do weird things when we're nervous. 641 00:38:14.969 --> 00:38:17.349 What else could you do? And you know what? I 642 00:38:17.369 --> 00:38:20.849 think there's always one plan B. Tell someone. You tell you? 643 00:38:20.869 --> 00:38:24.929 The parent? You pull one friend aside? You don't have 644 00:38:24.949 --> 00:38:27.230 a solution?

but you bring in someone else at least 645 00:38:27.289 --> 00:38:31.929 as a start. I know I want my kids to 646 00:38:31.989 --> 00:38:35.590 know that missing the first opportunity to act doesn't mean 647 00:38:35.630 --> 00:38:38.210 the opportunity is gone. You froze? Okay, what can you 648 00:38:38.230 --> 00:38:40.860 do next? You laughed because everyone else laughed and then 649 00:38:40.880 --> 00:38:42.920 felt sick about it? Okay, what can you do now? 650 00:38:47.320 --> 00:38:49.900 So what really matters when raising boys? Much more than 651 00:38:49.920 --> 00:38:52.280 we've talked about today and much more than even what 652 00:38:52.300 --> 00:38:54.010 we do in our home. We have to stand up 653 00:38:54.070 --> 00:38:56.230 and make a bigger deal of these cultural themes where 654 00:38:56.250 --> 00:38:59.929 we can. And there are three patterns you can know 655 00:39:00.750 --> 00:39:04.730 you do have control over. And something I don't tell 656 00:39:04.769 --> 00:39:07.510 you enough is all these things, and I think those 657 00:39:07.530 --> 00:39:10.530 patterns are making sure our kids learn, our boys learn. 658 00:39:10.610 --> 00:39:12.789 I can handle not getting what I want. I am 659 00:39:12.889 --> 00:39:15.869 noticing other people. And I trust the part of me 660 00:39:15.909 --> 00:39:19.449 that says, huh, I don't know about this. And I'm 661 00:39:19.469 --> 00:39:22.219 learning how to act when I have that feeling. These 662 00:39:22.280 --> 00:39:26.320 are skills. They take years. End. All the things I 663 00:39:26.360 --> 00:39:30.780 do in my house. Me. Becky. The Boundary Set. the limits, 664 00:39:30.820 --> 00:39:33.619 the tolerating, the upset, the noticing, instead of just saying, 665 00:39:33.679 --> 00:39:39.940 stop doing this, is such hard work. Like, these things 666 00:39:39.980 --> 00:39:44.429 aren't easy breezy for me. I work, I think, so 667 00:39:44.489 --> 00:39:47.969 much harder with my kids than people would imagine to 668 00:39:48.010 --> 00:39:54.480 do these things. So hard. So hard. And these things 669 00:39:54.519 --> 00:39:57.510 take years to build. It's why parenting isn't like a, 670 00:39:57.960 --> 00:40:00.699 it's not like a one-time thing. It's not like a 671 00:40:00.739 --> 00:40:03.489 pill that you take. It's not a one-time course. It's 672 00:40:04.360 --> 00:40:07.750 those three things. I can handle not getting what I want. 673 00:40:08.329 --> 00:40:10.869 I notice other people. I trust the part of me 674 00:40:10.889 --> 00:40:12.730 that says, huh, I don't know about this and I 675 00:40:12.769 --> 00:40:17.130 learn how to act on it. I know that the 676 00:40:17.170 --> 00:40:20.889 low-stakes moments happening in our homes are where our boys 677 00:40:20.949 --> 00:40:24.849 are getting the reps they will need to rely on 678 00:40:24.969 --> 00:40:36.559 when the stakes are higher. Before we end, I just 679 00:40:36.599 --> 00:40:39.480 want to zoom out for

a minute. Sexual violence is 680 00:40:39.519 --> 00:40:43.190 not an individual parenting problem, and so it cannot have 681 00:40:43.230 --> 00:40:46.889 an individual parenting solution. Our boys are developing inside cultures 682 00:40:46.949 --> 00:40:49.550 and systems and institutions that are teaching them things all 683 00:40:49.590 --> 00:40:52.789 the time. Here's what I do want us to take seriously. 684 00:40:53.489 --> 00:40:56.449 If knowledge isn't enough, then we have to rethink what 685 00:40:56.530 --> 00:41:00.980 preparation looks like. Not instead of teaching consent, in addition to. 686 00:41:01.579 --> 00:41:04.099 Because I worry that sometimes we have these conversations and 687 00:41:04.139 --> 00:41:07.260 our son gives us the right answers and then we think, okay, 688 00:41:07.280 --> 00:41:11.360 he gets it. But does he have practice tolerating disappointment 689 00:41:11.820 --> 00:41:15.360 without making it someone else's responsibility to fix? Does he 690 00:41:15.420 --> 00:41:19.119 notice another person when his own desire is really, really loud? 691 00:41:19.280 --> 00:41:21.739 And has he been encouraged to notice that little voice 692 00:41:21.800 --> 00:41:24.900 inside him that says, yeah, I don't know about this. 693 00:41:26.039 --> 00:41:29.980 Even when everyone else around him is literally saying or 694 00:41:30.139 --> 00:41:33.900 just saying with their behavior, yeah, it's fine. None of 695 00:41:34.219 --> 00:41:38.099 this gives full answers. But we're really talking about skills 696 00:41:38.199 --> 00:41:41.739 and skills have to be practiced. And they cannot only 697 00:41:41.889 --> 00:41:44.920 live inside our homes. You know, I recently heard a 698 00:41:44.940 --> 00:41:49.019 college president talking about bystander training. And in that same conversation, 699 00:41:49.079 --> 00:41:52.119 someone had this amazing idea that I haven't stopped thinking about. 700 00:41:52.619 --> 00:41:56.530 We have designated drivers. Why can't we have designated upstanders? 701 00:41:57.199 --> 00:41:59.809 Someone who has the job that night of knowing I 702 00:41:59.849 --> 00:42:01.510 need to notice. I need to step in. That is 703 00:42:01.570 --> 00:42:05.179 my role tonight to protect everyone. This is a systems 704 00:42:05.239 --> 00:42:07.719 level idea and I get so excited by those and 705 00:42:07.760 --> 00:42:10.539 we need more of those. We need schools thinking about 706 00:42:10.579 --> 00:42:14.190 this and colleges and coaches and teams and fraternities and parents. 707 00:42:15.190 --> 00:42:17.769 If we're serious about changing what happens when stakes are high, 708 00:42:18.269 --> 00:42:20.650 we have to get more creative about what gets practiced 709 00:42:20.829 --> 00:42:24.889 and instituted before the stakes are high. We cannot unintentionally 710 00:42:24.969 --> 00:42:28.360 reinforce patterns in childhood and expect the next generation of 711 00:42:28.409 --> 00:42:32.000 kids to resist them later in young adulthood. And we 712 00:42:32.159 --> 00:42:35.679 have to change the systems that are reinforcing the very 713 00:42:35.719 --> 00:42:39.980 behaviors we hope young people are able to resist. None 714 00:42:40.000 --> 00:42:42.800 of that means you're not accountable for your actions. When 715 00:42:42.980 --> 00:42:45.039 all of us are thinking about this next generation, I 716 00:42:45.539 --> 00:42:47.800 believe this just has to be part of that conversation. 717 00:42:48.980 --> 00:42:53.199 So what now? Well, I do hope you leave thinking, okay, 718 00:42:53.320 --> 00:42:55.389 I have a few more things to notice, maybe different 719 00:42:55.429 --> 00:42:58.369 things to look for, different things to do. But I 720 00:42:58.389 --> 00:43:00.769 hope on a bigger scale, I hope you have more 721 00:43:00.809 --> 00:43:04.150 questions than answers. I still do. I always do. And 722 00:43:04.510 --> 00:43:07.250 I don't think this conversation of all conversations needs a 723 00:43:07.269 --> 00:43:09.590 neat ending. It shouldn't have that. I think it needs 724 00:43:09.630 --> 00:43:12.969 more conversations with more people with varied perspectives because that 725 00:43:13.320 --> 00:43:17.199 is what leads to collective systemic action. So if any 726 00:43:17.219 --> 00:43:20.440 of this resonated, pass it along. Not with a, this 727 00:43:20.500 --> 00:43:23.460 is correct, listen to it, but with real questions. What 728 00:43:23.480 --> 00:43:26.099 do you think about this? What hit you? Maybe bring 729 00:43:26.119 --> 00:43:28.679 it up at the next conversation you have with a 730 00:43:28.780 --> 00:43:30.800 friend or bring it to your kid's school or your 731 00:43:30.860 --> 00:43:34.590 team or your university. I know progress is going to 732 00:43:34.619 --> 00:43:37.949 require interventions on so many levels. No one person has 733 00:43:37.989 --> 00:43:40.130 the right answer, so the solution won't be one thing. 734 00:43:41.349 --> 00:43:43.269 I believe we get somewhere different when more of us 735 00:43:43.489 --> 00:43:46.730 start asking different questions together, and I'm just excited to 736 00:43:46.750 --> 00:43:49.090 be part of that process and to learn right alongside you. 737 00:43:49.849 --> 00:43:51.769 I can't wait to hear what you think, and I 738 00:43:51.809 --> 00:43:53.789 can't wait for the collective action we can take together. 739 00:43:54.570 --> 00:43:57.010 One last thing. So many of you have asked me 740 00:43:57.070 --> 00:43:59.309 to put some of these ideas into writing in a 741 00:43:59.349 --> 00:44:01.780 place you can actually go to, maybe share it with 742 00:44:01.820 --> 00:44:04.460 someone else. So I typed it up. I put it 743 00:44:04.519 --> 00:44:06.119 on our site and there's a link to it in 744 00:44:06.139 --> 00:44:08.150 the show notes. Until next time.