ကူးယူချက် 🔗
WEBVTT
1
00:00:00.231 --> 00:00:02.293
I want to see your version of spicy because I can get spicy.
2
00:00:03.194 --> 00:00:04.175
I can too, girl.
3
00:00:04.215 --> 00:00:05.116
I know you can get spicy.
4
00:00:05.136 --> 00:00:08.419
No, it's good and bad to know that I can get spicy.
5
00:00:08.619 --> 00:00:10.201
Oh, you're spicy.
6
00:00:10.221 --> 00:00:11.382
You're a redhead for a reason.
7
00:00:11.402 --> 00:00:12.223
Let's just put it that way.
8
00:00:12.963 --> 00:00:13.404
Okay.
9
00:00:13.744 --> 00:00:15.426
And I think we should start the same way every time.
10
00:00:15.466 --> 00:00:17.087
Like, hey, I'm Kat, I'm Michelle.
11
00:00:17.308 --> 00:00:18.629
You know, like, you know.
12
00:00:18.969 --> 00:00:22.332
Yeah, I'm Kat, I'm Michelle, and this is Divorced & Dating.
13
00:00:22.453 --> 00:00:24.775
Yeah, I'm like, you know, this is Divorced & Dating.
14
00:00:26.447 --> 00:00:28.288
Hey everyone and welcome to Divorced and Dating.
15
00:00:28.749 --> 00:00:29.169
I'm Kat.
16
00:00:29.329 --> 00:00:29.850
I'm Michelle.
17
00:00:30.350 --> 00:00:37.716
And today we're talking about what happens when you realize that you were the one in your marriage who was handling everything, taking care of everything, fixing everything.
18
00:00:38.256 --> 00:00:41.239
Then you get a divorce and then you go, oh, I'm still doing it.
19
00:00:41.939 --> 00:00:42.520
Exactly.
20
00:00:42.700 --> 00:00:43.681
Like, why?
21
00:00:44.722 --> 00:00:45.262
What's going on?
22
00:00:45.302 --> 00:00:48.144
So today, yeah, we're talking about over-functioning.
23
00:00:48.765 --> 00:00:49.926
Over-functioning, yeah.
24
00:00:50.226 --> 00:00:52.708
And didn't even realize I was doing it until now.
25
00:00:53.103 --> 00:00:53.423
Still now.
26
00:00:53.623 --> 00:00:53.824
Yeah.
27
00:00:53.884 --> 00:00:54.244
Still now.
28
00:00:54.344 --> 00:00:54.564
Yeah.
29
00:00:55.084 --> 00:00:56.966
No, it's, I mean, it's kind of incredible.
30
00:00:57.026 --> 00:01:00.148
It's this thing where you can be a very capable woman.
31
00:01:00.508 --> 00:01:04.811
It's obviously not everyone and not in every marriage, but, you know, different things for different marriages.
32
00:01:04.851 --> 00:01:13.778
But both Michelle and I figured out that at one point we were over-functioning in our marriages and now we're kind of back in the dating world and you feel like, yeah, I'm not going to do that anymore.
33
00:01:13.818 --> 00:01:14.318
No, not at all.
34
00:01:14.578 --> 00:01:14.739
No.
35
00:01:15.219 --> 00:01:19.962
And it's like, as a divorced woman, like, why am I still over-functioning and they're still under-functioning?
36
00:01:20.363 --> 00:01:22.324
So that's just a big no-no for me.
37
00:01:22.820 --> 00:01:23.140
Yeah.
38
00:01:23.321 --> 00:01:29.447
So what are some of the ways that that manifests itself for you, both in your divorce life and in your dating?
39
00:01:30.148 --> 00:01:32.790
I feel like, you know, we should have rules, right?
40
00:01:33.231 --> 00:01:36.835
So for me, if a guy doesn't make effort immediately, then it's a no.
41
00:01:36.855 --> 00:01:41.500
Because I feel like already, that's like a red flag of like, he's just low effort, you know?
42
00:01:41.800 --> 00:01:41.960
Right.
43
00:01:42.240 --> 00:01:43.181
What do you guys think about that?
44
00:01:43.241 --> 00:01:43.762
Like, what do you think?
45
00:01:44.190 --> 00:01:45.511
Yeah, I would agree with that.
46
00:01:45.551 --> 00:01:48.213
I mean, it's sort of, I've actually told guys that I'm dating that.
47
00:01:48.853 --> 00:01:51.776
I'm willing to sort of meet them halfway, maybe.
48
00:01:52.336 --> 00:01:55.158
I think you're a little more strict.
49
00:01:55.278 --> 00:01:56.099
I'm willing to meet halfway.
50
00:01:56.139 --> 00:01:58.280
I'm willing to go like, okay, I'll even plan the first date.
51
00:01:58.501 --> 00:01:59.121
Yeah.
52
00:01:59.421 --> 00:02:01.743
And I've had a guy say, well, I'm, you know, something
53
00:02:01.763 --> 00:02:03.504
To the effect of, well, I'm not an alpha male.
54
00:02:03.845 --> 00:02:04.685
I'm not going to plan all the dates.
55
00:02:04.705 --> 00:02:06.106
I'm like, cool, I'll plan the first date.
56
00:02:06.326 --> 00:02:09.569
But also, I was in a 20-year marriage where I was the over-functioner all the time.
57
00:02:10.200 --> 00:02:13.402
I'm not interested in being in a relationship again where I plan everything.
58
00:02:13.742 --> 00:02:16.084
I don't want to be the cruise director for our whole lives.
59
00:02:16.104 --> 00:02:16.764
No cruise directing.
60
00:02:17.005 --> 00:02:18.065
No.
61
00:02:18.105 --> 00:02:19.226
Just not that fun, as it turns out.
62
00:02:19.586 --> 00:02:20.127
Exactly.
63
00:02:20.427 --> 00:02:21.768
So that's kind of like your non-negotiable.
64
00:02:21.828 --> 00:02:24.510
With me, I would say I wouldn't even meet them.
65
00:02:25.010 --> 00:02:25.911
Great.
66
00:02:26.071 --> 00:02:27.932
I want to see the guy put in the effort for the first date.
67
00:02:28.452 --> 00:02:31.174
That kind of sets the tone and then lets me know where they are.
68
00:02:31.234 --> 00:02:33.976
And then at that moment, it's like I want to reciprocate.
69
00:02:34.156 --> 00:02:39.740
One other thing that I've learned, ladies, through dating coaches actually, is that we don't pay for anything.
70
00:02:40.020 --> 00:02:42.081
Because that sets the tone too.
71
00:02:42.101 --> 00:02:46.304
So my first date with my ex-husband, I think I was like, oh, it's okay if I pay half.
72
00:02:46.324 --> 00:02:47.165
And I was a child.
73
00:02:47.245 --> 00:02:48.666
I didn't understand.
74
00:02:48.826 --> 00:02:51.748
But what we can do to show affection, right?
75
00:02:52.448 --> 00:02:58.552
As we engage with a guy and they tell us what they like, even a small teeny gift, even if it's like $15, $10, it's thoughtful.
76
00:02:58.912 --> 00:02:59.853
It's something he's going to like.
77
00:03:00.932 --> 00:03:24.462
Load full transcript
on the second date if you're like hey i saw this and picked it up for you that buys 3,000 more dinners. oh that's sweet you know what i mean? i'm definitely, i'm a i'm a little bit more fluid with that maybe. it's like i think we talked about before i really love to have a coffee date at the first date yeah if i get there before he does i'm totally willing to like hey do you want me to order you anything? like i'll text him, which kind of means you're paying for coffee but like i won't do it it's
78
00:03:26.612 --> 00:03:27.452
I'll sit and wait.
79
00:03:27.492 --> 00:03:28.233
You're setting a tone.
80
00:03:28.253 --> 00:03:28.873
You're setting a tone.
81
00:03:28.893 --> 00:03:29.293
I get that.
82
00:03:29.353 --> 00:03:31.594
You're ready to get my coffee order?
83
00:03:31.774 --> 00:03:32.435
All right.
84
00:03:32.455 --> 00:03:32.835
You're good.
85
00:03:32.855 --> 00:03:35.456
But I really love that idea of the thoughtful details.
86
00:03:35.476 --> 00:03:36.016
Yeah.
87
00:03:36.076 --> 00:03:42.019
As you're developing a relationship, I want that, but I don't expect them to do something for me that I wouldn't do for them in that way.
88
00:03:42.139 --> 00:03:42.439
Like 100%.
89
00:03:42.459 --> 00:03:43.939
Thoughtful details are good.
90
00:03:44.119 --> 00:03:44.359
Yeah.
91
00:03:44.379 --> 00:03:45.720
And we're not like man-haters.
92
00:03:45.840 --> 00:03:46.901
I think men today.
93
00:03:46.961 --> 00:03:47.561
We both love men.
94
00:03:47.701 --> 00:03:48.241
Yeah.
95
00:03:48.261 --> 00:03:49.842
That's the problem.
96
00:03:49.882 --> 00:03:54.604
But I want to show affection, but also set boundaries of what I expect because...
97
00:03:55.304 --> 00:04:18.284
what were you talking about before? like how once you know how to do everything on your own it's like what is that person bringing to the table? yeah well it's i feel like a lot of men believe that they are somehow competing with all the other men in the world. you know we've we're all "the whole six, rule of six six six" as far as like men thinking they need a six pack and make six figures and right and six feet tall it's like not only do we not need that it's just
98
00:04:18.690 --> 00:04:19.310
really uncommon.
99
00:04:19.350 --> 00:04:24.152
I mean, frankly, especially in your 40s, there's just not that many men with six-packs.
100
00:04:24.292 --> 00:04:25.132
Or women for that matter.
101
00:04:25.152 --> 00:04:26.873
Either way, let's say straight men.
102
00:04:26.893 --> 00:04:28.573
Sure, that's really true.
103
00:04:28.673 --> 00:04:31.314
The really hot ones are gay.
104
00:04:31.334 --> 00:04:32.514
That's why we have our gay friends.
105
00:04:32.594 --> 00:04:33.535
We have something to look at.
106
00:04:34.935 --> 00:04:36.935
And there are men with all of these qualities.
107
00:04:37.015 --> 00:04:38.956
However, that's the point is we don't have to have that.
108
00:04:39.016 --> 00:04:40.356
That's not really what you're competing with.
109
00:04:40.396 --> 00:04:42.536
You're not competing against men with those things.
110
00:04:42.836 --> 00:04:49.858
When you're competing for our time and energy, you're competing with this life that I've built where I don't really want to leave the house all the time.
111
00:04:49.898 --> 00:04:51.278
Or I want to hang out with my girlfriend.
112
00:04:51.638 --> 00:04:53.878
Michelle and I can go out and have a wonderful time.
113
00:04:53.918 --> 00:04:55.899
It doesn't need to be any men involved at all.
114
00:04:55.939 --> 00:05:02.380
So the question just becomes, at this stage of our lives and momhood and careers and everything else,
115
00:05:03.186 --> 00:05:09.871
do you actually want to give your time and energy to this person is more the question than competing with someone else.
116
00:05:10.411 --> 00:05:10.851
Exactly.
117
00:05:10.911 --> 00:05:13.673
And I think it goes in line with what are you looking for?
118
00:05:13.713 --> 00:05:19.417
For me, I do want that adventurous partner that I can say, hey, babe, let's go to Paris for the weekend.
119
00:05:19.777 --> 00:05:23.680
But also, let's just walk down to the beach or let's take a long bike ride.
120
00:05:24.020 --> 00:05:25.081
Or, hey, I'm going to work.
121
00:05:25.601 --> 00:05:26.602
What are you going to do?
122
00:05:26.982 --> 00:05:32.746
If you have mutual respect with someone and trust, you don't have to be with them every...
123
00:05:33.397 --> 00:05:33.837
second of the day.
124
00:05:33.877 --> 00:05:34.677
You know?
125
00:05:34.938 --> 00:05:35.218
Yeah.
126
00:05:35.358 --> 00:05:35.958
I think that's true.
127
00:05:35.978 --> 00:05:39.119
I mean, I think it, and it does go back to the over-functioning a little bit.
128
00:05:39.159 --> 00:05:41.700
Like, I don't want to be anyone's caretaker.
129
00:05:42.160 --> 00:05:43.021
I am a mom.
130
00:05:43.041 --> 00:05:45.382
I don't want to be your mom if I'm gonna date you.
131
00:05:45.682 --> 00:05:46.522
Yeah.
132
00:05:46.562 --> 00:05:47.202
I know.
133
00:05:48.183 --> 00:05:53.305
I mean, you know, obviously when you're in a relationship with someone, there's, in sickness and in health.
134
00:05:53.365 --> 00:06:00.187
And once you're already there, we're not saying about not doing stuff for your partner, but at the same time, I don't want to be the only one doing stuff.
135
00:06:00.367 --> 00:06:00.767
Exactly.
136
00:06:00.807 --> 00:06:02.248
I think it should be a fun little thing.
137
00:06:02.468 --> 00:06:02.749
Yeah.
138
00:06:02.809 --> 00:06:04.731
So I'm watching some dating shows, too.
139
00:06:04.831 --> 00:06:06.274
I'm always, like, invested in this.
140
00:06:06.854 --> 00:06:11.681
And one of the things one of the couples was worried about was that lag that happens, right?
141
00:06:11.721 --> 00:06:15.687
Like, once you get comfortable with someone and then it's like, we just hit a wall, I'm bored.
142
00:06:15.747 --> 00:06:17.009
And they're always looking for the
adventure.
143
00:06:17.369 --> 00:06:18.912
And it's like, it doesn't have to be an adventure.
144
00:06:19.691 --> 00:06:25.352
You know, it's like to the young girls out there, like the butterflies are actually your body's warning.
145
00:06:25.432 --> 00:06:26.913
It's not like that's it.
146
00:06:27.013 --> 00:06:28.053
This man is so awesome.
147
00:06:28.093 --> 00:06:28.733
It's your body going.
148
00:06:28.893 --> 00:06:29.993
Oh, my nervous system's not good.
149
00:06:30.113 --> 00:06:31.134
Yeah, it's scaring me right now.
150
00:06:31.494 --> 00:06:35.855
And so we have to remember too, like you can love someone without having to be like so grandiose about it.
151
00:06:36.055 --> 00:06:36.815
Oh, hell yes.
152
00:06:36.995 --> 00:06:38.956
I think you are dead on.
153
00:06:39.256 --> 00:06:41.856
And, you know, I've said that to men before that I've been dating.
154
00:06:42.296 --> 00:06:45.397
If you're with me, the roller coaster comes from the adventures we come up with.
155
00:06:45.477 --> 00:06:46.077
Exactly.
156
00:06:46.097 --> 00:06:47.317
I'm not playing into drama.
157
00:06:49.998 --> 00:06:52.019
I will just not be part of that.
158
00:06:52.079 --> 00:06:52.660
I don't need that.
159
00:06:52.680 --> 00:06:53.861
My nervous system doesn't want that.
160
00:06:54.021 --> 00:06:56.462
I have lived so much drama.
161
00:06:56.582 --> 00:06:57.042
I'm good.
162
00:06:57.163 --> 00:06:58.063
We're done with that.
163
00:06:58.083 --> 00:07:00.324
There's enough stuff that happens in life.
164
00:07:00.505 --> 00:07:03.626
Like, you know, bad things are going to come along, dramatic things, whatever.
165
00:07:04.087 --> 00:07:06.068
Things happen to everyone in your life.
166
00:07:06.968 --> 00:07:07.769
We don't have to create it.
167
00:07:08.243 --> 00:07:08.583
We don't.
168
00:07:08.743 --> 00:07:11.625
So I feel like finding peace is what I'm looking for.
169
00:07:11.645 --> 00:07:12.526
That's true.
170
00:07:12.546 --> 00:07:19.170
And having someone with mutual respect that if I say, like, you know, my daughter's having a bad day, I think I'm going to take her to ice cream, they're all for it.
171
00:07:19.210 --> 00:07:19.790
They're all about it.
172
00:07:19.970 --> 00:07:22.011
They're not like, oh, well, we were supposed to go out.
173
00:07:22.172 --> 00:07:23.833
Like, you know, because that happened to me dating a guy.
174
00:07:23.853 --> 00:07:24.673
Um...did it?
175
00:07:24.833 --> 00:07:26.554
Yeah, he was competing with my kids' time
176
00:07:26.734 --> 00:07:27.395
And what about me?
177
00:07:27.435 --> 00:07:27.895
What about me?
178
00:07:27.955 --> 00:07:29.436
But, and no shade.
179
00:07:29.556 --> 00:07:31.697
He didn't have a family, you know, 47, never married.
180
00:07:33.018 --> 00:07:33.718
No children.
181
00:07:34.218 --> 00:07:36.739
So at that point in his life, he's like, I'm all in.
182
00:07:36.839 --> 00:07:37.860
And there's nothing wrong with that.
183
00:07:38.080 -->
00:07:38.320
Right.
184
00:07:38.360 --> 00:07:39.500
So I'm just a different.
185
00:07:39.680 --> 00:07:39.980
Yeah.
186
00:07:40.181 --> 00:07:43.242
Because people at my age honestly have kids that are in college.
187
00:07:43.422 --> 00:07:43.602
Yeah.
188
00:07:43.822 --> 00:07:44.442
Yeah.
189
00:07:44.842 --> 00:07:45.943
We have kids at home.
190
00:07:46.103 --> 00:07:46.883
It's not fair.
191
00:07:46.903 --> 00:07:49.364
But there are people our age that are grandparents already.
192
00:07:49.404 --> 00:07:49.584
Yeah.
193
00:07:49.844 --> 00:07:50.324
Exactly.
194
00:07:50.644 --> 00:07:56.626
So there are some men that just don't expect to meet a 51-year-old woman who's taking her kids to elementary school.
195
00:07:56.666 --> 00:07:57.066
Right.
196
00:07:57.106 --> 00:07:57.827
So I respected it.
197
00:07:57.907 --> 00:08:01.448
I was like, respectfully, we're just not a good fit because we're in different stages.
198
00:08:01.846 --> 00:08:04.168
Yeah, and honestly, that's how I view dating in general right now.
199
00:08:04.208 --> 00:08:06.571
Like, I don't, if it doesn't work out, cool.
200
00:08:06.711 --> 00:08:07.392
That's okay.
201
00:08:07.792 --> 00:08:08.933
It's not our love.
202
00:08:09.073 --> 00:08:10.815
If someone goes, yes, exactly.
203
00:08:10.975 --> 00:08:11.616
It's like, go get it.
204
00:08:11.876 --> 00:08:17.322
Somebody put up a poll the other day of, like, what would, if you could just kick out one of the following, what would you kick out?
205
00:08:17.342 --> 00:08:19.684
It was, like, breadcrumbing, ghosting, mixed signals.
206
00:08:19.985 --> 00:08:22.547
And I was just like, yeah, no, I'm...
207
00:08:23.268 --> 00:08:23.968
I don't need to kick them out.
208
00:08:24.028 --> 00:08:24.669
I just walk away.
209
00:08:24.789 --> 00:08:28.530
Like, it's cool because we're not, it's another one for the younger ladies.
210
00:08:28.590 --> 00:08:31.071
Like, we're not going to sit here and try to decode mixed signals.
211
00:08:31.352 --> 00:08:31.932
No, no, no.
212
00:08:32.192 --> 00:08:33.432
No, we know what we want.
213
00:08:33.673 --> 00:08:33.893
Yeah.
214
00:08:34.273 --> 00:08:36.474
It's just like, if you're leaving me confused, bye.
215
00:08:36.614 --> 00:08:36.774
Bye.
216
00:08:36.814 --> 00:08:37.254
Yeah.
217
00:08:37.494 --> 00:08:38.515
I don't want to do that.
218
00:08:38.795 --> 00:08:42.756
No, I'm not confused about what I need in a relationship and mixed signals is not it.
219
00:08:42.917 --> 00:08:43.037
Right?
220
00:08:43.077 --> 00:08:43.697
No, that's not it.
221
00:08:43.797 --> 00:08:44.977
Bread crumbing is the same thing.
222
00:08:44.997 --> 00:08:48.799
You just give a little piece of attention and then you go away for a while.
223
00:08:48.859 --> 00:08:49.019
No.
224
00:08:49.699 --> 00:08:49.900
Yeah.
225
00:08:49.960 --> 00:08:51.020
That's not, we don't have to.
226
00:08:51.491 --> 00:08:52.032
Exactly.
227
00:08:52.052 --> 00:08:58.117
So like the over-functioning is now just, we get rid of the over part.
228
00:08:58.277 --> 00:09:00.899
Well, it sort of plays into all of this, right?
229
00:09:00.919 --> 00:09:02.020
We don't chase them down.
230
00:09:02.441 --> 00:09:04.142
If somebody's going to ghost me, cool, bye.
231
00:09:04.422 --> 00:09:04.622
Yeah.
232
00:09:04.843 --> 00:09:06.584
Like, I don't need a lie.
233
00:09:06.684 --> 00:09:08.065
I don't need an explanation.
234
00:09:08.626 --> 00:09:11.668
By the way, has anyone ever given you a really good explanation for a breakup?
235
00:09:11.869 --> 00:09:12.930
Probably not.
236
00:09:13.150 --> 00:09:14.211
Like a satisfying one.
237
00:09:14.231 --> 00:09:14.371
Yeah.
238
00:09:15.734 --> 00:09:20.539
Okay, so today's sponsor is The Slim Haus, and I am the founder, Michelle.
239
00:09:21.200 --> 00:09:25.365
Just to let you know, it is near and dear to my heart because I wanted to find solutions for women like myself.
240
00:09:25.785 --> 00:09:29.810
So I've been in your shoes before where you can't lose weight, you've got the brain fog.
241
00:09:29.870 --> 00:09:34.595
You're just like trying to work out and nothing is happening, or you just don't have the energy anymore, and you need help.
242
00:09:34.615 --> 00:09:36.778
You know, you're juggling children with sports and all kinds of things.
243
00:09:37.198 --> 00:09:43.059
So with the Slim Haus, as the founder, I found that losing weight is a trend, but staying slim is a lifestyle.
244
00:09:43.320 --> 00:09:44.720
And so it's all about lifestyle changes.
245
00:09:45.200 --> 00:09:47.181
Eating right, working out, full balance.
246
00:09:47.301 --> 00:09:49.621
But then sometimes you need a little extra GLP1 in there.
247
00:09:49.981 --> 00:09:51.202
And so that's what I've done.
248
00:09:51.262 --> 00:09:53.102
I've looked and vetted all of the best pharmacies.
249
00:09:53.382 --> 00:09:54.902
I have an excellent doctor network.
250
00:09:55.122 --> 00:09:56.683
So when you go online, everything is private.
251
00:09:56.783 --> 00:09:58.803
It's between you and your computer.
252
00:09:59.103 --> 00:09:59.944
And I'm here just to help.
253
00:10:00.084 --> 00:10:01.184
So come visit Slim Haus.
254
00:10:01.827 --> 00:10:02.147
Absolutely.
255
00:10:02.187 --> 00:10:04.088
There's going to be a coupon code in the show notes.
256
00:10:04.468 --> 00:10:04.988
Absolutely.
257
00:10:05.048 --> 00:10:08.870
So for Divorced & Dating, I'm going to put D&D as your coupon code.
258
00:10:08.890 --> 00:10:10.251
And with that, you'll save a little extra.
259
00:10:11.491 --> 00:10:12.092
Thanks, guys.
260
00:10:12.952 --> 00:10:17.054
So now is a recurring segment we like to call Dating as a Mom.
261
00:10:17.154 --> 00:10:17.574
Oh, gosh.
262
00:10:17.594 --> 00:10:18.354
But you need the rules.
263
00:10:18.474 --> 00:10:19.555
New rules.
264
00:10:20.255 --> 00:10:20.495
Yes.
265
00:10:20.695 --> 00:10:24.377
So as a new rule, I honestly have to say, no second
chances.
266
00:10:25.383 --> 00:10:26.744
And we're going to call you out on that.
267
00:10:26.785 --> 00:10:26.965
Oh, yes.
268
00:10:27.005 --> 00:10:28.346
Because Little Miss did give a second chance.
269
00:10:28.366 --> 00:10:29.828
She told me about it, and I was like, wait, what?
270
00:10:30.128 --> 00:10:31.169
I thought we were very clear.
271
00:10:31.249 --> 00:10:32.530
We are not doing second chances.
272
00:10:32.971 --> 00:10:37.756
So as an example, I think you should tell your story so that people realize that patterns are going to occur.
273
00:10:37.776 --> 00:10:39.878
And when we see things, we just need to walk away.
274
00:10:40.879 --> 00:10:41.059
Yeah.
275
00:10:41.119 --> 00:10:41.580
It's so true.
276
00:10:41.720 --> 00:10:41.940
Yeah.
277
00:10:42.040 --> 00:10:42.300
All right.
278
00:10:42.320 --> 00:10:42.841
Tell us about it.
279
00:10:43.393 --> 00:10:45.854
By the way, every time I give someone a second chance, I regret it.
280
00:10:46.034 --> 00:10:46.594
Exactly.
281
00:10:46.634 --> 00:10:47.274
Don't waste your time.
282
00:10:47.554 --> 00:10:49.114
Usually it doesn't work out the first time for the reason.
283
00:10:49.174 --> 00:10:50.555
So this was somebody.
284
00:10:50.635 --> 00:10:51.615
I had not been in person.
285
00:10:51.815 --> 00:10:52.855
So I will just say that.
286
00:10:52.895 --> 00:10:54.856
Like, it was a dating app match.
287
00:10:55.336 --> 00:10:57.496
We were having good, like, text conversations.
288
00:10:57.636 --> 00:10:59.477
He's a divorced dad of several kids.
289
00:10:59.497 --> 00:11:03.518
He lives, like, an hour and a half or so away, I think.
290
00:11:03.538 --> 00:11:05.398
And so we were going to meet up.
291
00:11:06.153 --> 00:11:07.175
He also works for himself.
292
00:11:07.195 --> 00:11:09.418
He also controls his schedule, so it was like a daytime thing.
293
00:11:09.778 --> 00:11:11.761
And then this was still during the school year.
294
00:11:11.801 --> 00:11:13.783
So he said his kid got sick.
295
00:11:13.964 --> 00:11:14.524
No problem.
296
00:11:14.544 --> 00:11:15.986
I'm like, I've had kids sick.
297
00:11:16.207 --> 00:11:16.527
Kids get sick.
298
00:11:17.008 --> 00:11:17.348
Yeah.
299
00:11:17.448 --> 00:11:18.049
That happens sometimes.
300
00:11:18.450 --> 00:11:18.810
Cool.
301
00:11:18.830 --> 00:11:18.930
So...
302
00:11:19.603 --> 00:11:23.324
we kept texting after that a little bit and then he just like fell off the face of the earth.
303
00:11:23.684 --> 00:11:26.125
Well, like I said, I'm not chasing anybody.
304
00:11:26.265 --> 00:11:27.385
I'm not even going to follow up.
305
00:11:27.425 --> 00:11:27.745
I'm good.
306
00:11:27.825 --> 00:11:28.825
You do you.
307
00:11:28.925 --> 00:11:30.025
That's cool.
308
00:11:30.646 --> 00:11:33.366
And then we matched again recently.
309
00:11:33.406 --> 00:11:34.507
That was probably three months ago.
310
00:11:34.547 --> 00:11:36.547
We matched again recently on a different app.
311
00:11:36.687 --> 00:11:39.268
And he's like, hey, beautiful, can I have a second chance with you?
312
00:11:39.288 --> 00:11:40.908
And I was like, oh, the beautiful.
313
00:11:40.968 --> 00:11:41.308
That's right.
314
00:11:41.328 --> 00:11:43.589
It probably is a red flag.
315
00:11:43.629 --> 00:11:44.469
Yes, it's a red flag.
316
00:11:44.729 --> 00:11:46.509
But I was just like, okay.
317
00:11:46.549 --> 00:11:48.870
Like when I had a phone conversation with this guy, he was cool.
318
00:11:48.910 --> 00:11:49.310
Like I was like,
319
00:11:49.810 --> 00:11:50.231
All right, sure.
320
00:11:50.531 --> 00:11:50.971
Second chance.
321
00:11:51.011 --> 00:11:52.052
Why not?
322
00:11:52.072 --> 00:11:53.873
And so we planned to meet up.
323
00:11:54.193 --> 00:11:57.736
And I was, like, willing to meet him halfway as far as the driving.
324
00:11:57.896 --> 00:11:58.096
No.
325
00:11:58.196 --> 00:12:00.318
And then he started being like, or you could just come here.
326
00:12:00.918 --> 00:12:02.819
And I was sort of like, no, no, no.
327
00:12:02.839 --> 00:12:03.700
Especially the first time.
328
00:12:03.900 --> 00:12:05.641
And, like, I'm going to meet you in public.
329
00:12:05.802 --> 00:12:05.962
Yeah.
330
00:12:06.182 --> 00:12:07.363
I'm not coming to your place.
331
00:12:07.663 --> 00:12:11.826
But also, like, yeah, I don't need to drive all the way there if I don't even know if there's going to be a vibe in person.
332
00:12:12.286 --> 00:12:12.907
Bread crumber.
333
00:12:13.127 --> 00:12:13.387
Yeah.
334
00:12:13.407 --> 00:12:14.948
So we were, like, making the plans.
335
00:12:15.902 --> 00:12:17.911
It was like, okay, we're both available on Tuesday.
336
00:12:17.931 --> 00:12:19.016
We're going to do it on Tuesday.
337
00:12:19.378 --> 00:12:19.880
And then...
338
00:12:20.713 --> 00:12:26.457
leading up to that, it was like, I was trying to get specific, like, okay, we're gonna meet at a time, at a place, and he did not respond.
339
00:12:26.598 --> 00:12:27.818
And then he sent me like- Shocker.
340
00:12:27.839 --> 00:12:31.681
And then he sent me like another message the next day of like, what are you up to?
341
00:12:31.701 --> 00:12:32.482
He should have been blocked.
342
00:12:32.542 --> 00:12:33.203
I know, I know.
343
00:12:33.223 --> 00:12:34.283
Why is he not blocked?
344
00:12:34.343 --> 00:12:35.084
I'm verklempt.
345
00:12:35.284 --> 00:12:35.544
Okay.
346
00:12:35.564 --> 00:12:35.785
Right?
347
00:12:35.805 --> 00:12:38.567
I know, she's like horrified by each detail.
348
00:12:38.587 --> 00:12:39.788
Yeah, my skin's crawling.
349
00:12:39.808 --> 00:12:40.288
It's crawling.
350
00:12:40.568 --> 00:12:42.790
So yeah, it was like the next day, he was like, what are you up to?
351
00:12:42.810 --> 00:12:45.212
And I sent a message back of like, oh, what I'm up to.
352
00:12:45.612 --> 00:12:46.513
And what are you up to?
353
00:12:46.573 --> 00:12:47.854
And he never responded to that either.
354
00:12:48.314
--> 00:12:49.395
And then, so like,
355
00:12:49.897 --> 00:12:51.938
By now, I'm just sort of like, cool, whatever.
356
00:12:52.018 --> 00:12:52.878
Tuesday comes and goes.
357
00:12:53.078 --> 00:12:56.959
I'm not going to mention a damn thing because we did never figure it out specifically.
358
00:12:56.979 --> 00:13:00.360
I mean, he was the one who had now twice not responded to the messages.
359
00:13:00.961 --> 00:13:04.742
So like a week or two after that, he texts me and was like, we should get together this week.
360
00:13:04.782 --> 00:13:05.102
And I was like,
361
00:13:05.810 --> 00:13:07.771
No, we were supposed to get together last Tuesday.
362
00:13:07.791 --> 00:13:08.511
I can't with this guy.
363
00:13:08.571 --> 00:13:08.891
I can't.
364
00:13:09.552 --> 00:13:10.992
All right, so do we think he's married?
365
00:13:11.032 --> 00:13:13.994
Do we think there's a girlfriend and he's off and on?
366
00:13:14.254 --> 00:13:16.375
Honestly, I think it's L.A. and he's flighty, probably.
367
00:13:17.095 --> 00:13:18.816
And, like, cool.
368
00:13:18.896 --> 00:13:21.757
Like, whatever it is, he's not my person.
369
00:13:21.897 --> 00:13:22.498
And that's okay.
370
00:13:23.178 --> 00:13:26.079
It's also okay to not even overthink it.
371
00:13:26.159 --> 00:13:26.879
It's very simple.
372
00:13:26.979 --> 00:13:28.880
That is definitely where I am at this point.
373
00:13:28.920 --> 00:13:34.041
Like, I don't really think everyone has an ulterior motive.
374
00:13:34.241 --> 00:13:38.662
I am more inclined to believe... there definitely are guys that are married or doing nefarious things.
375
00:13:38.702 --> 00:13:40.143
He's falling in line with that.
376
00:13:40.203 --> 00:13:41.783
There are those people.
377
00:13:42.143 --> 00:13:47.785
I usually just think most, like, the simplest explanation is usually that somebody has not got themselves together.
378
00:13:47.805 --> 00:13:48.525
Yeah.
379
00:13:49.362 --> 00:13:50.443
back to the over-functioning.
380
00:13:50.543 --> 00:13:54.467
I bet if I spoke to his ex-wife, she might be an over-functioner.
381
00:13:54.527 --> 00:13:57.490
She might be like, yeah, I was married to a grown-up man child.
382
00:13:57.650 --> 00:13:57.850
Yeah.
383
00:13:57.890 --> 00:13:59.111
Right?
384
00:13:59.352 --> 00:14:01.253
And that is how I feel as an ex-wife.
385
00:14:01.734 --> 00:14:06.398
I was married to a very baby man kind of man.
386
00:14:06.799 --> 00:14:09.141
So I'm not interested in going down that road.
387
00:14:09.281 --> 00:14:10.763
I'm not even going to go there. {Mouth zipping up motion}
388
00:14:14.742 --> 00:14:15.302
Yay!
389
00:14:15.423 --> 00:14:16.163
Amazing.
390
00:14:16.603 --> 00:14:23.925
First of all, the audacity of this man to not only reach out to you like months later, but then to flake, and then reach out again and flake.
391
00:14:23.945 --> 00:14:24.365
Right!
392
00:14:24.385 --> 00:14:29.327
Like these dudes just, this is why we say just block
them, just move on, because they're gonna just keep trying.
393
00:14:29.587 --> 00:14:32.208
It's the test and apologize, right?
394
00:14:32.288 --> 00:14:32.428
Yes.
395
00:14:32.448 --> 00:14:33.988
They're gonna test to see how far they can go.
396
00:14:34.008 --> 00:14:34.088
Yes.
397
00:14:34.469 --> 00:14:37.429
And then, oh, I'm so sorry I overlooked that detail, but it's true.
398
00:14:37.550 --> 00:14:39.030
But they were doing it on purpose to see how much we'd put up with.
399
00:14:40.029 --> 00:14:43.810
We are very into the Burned Haystack Method around here.
400
00:14:43.830 --> 00:14:45.291
As we've talked about before.
401
00:14:46.271 --> 00:14:50.672
And I probably haven't just been executing on it as stellarly as Michelle does.
402
00:14:50.992 --> 00:14:51.452
She does.
403
00:14:51.792 --> 00:14:53.413
Only because I kept trying to prove it wrong.
404
00:14:53.573 --> 00:14:55.433
And I just, you know.
405
00:14:55.453 --> 00:14:57.554
That's probably a whole other topic of conversation.
406
00:14:57.634 --> 00:15:02.575
I think, yeah, when you start giving grace to men that you don't even know, who you owe nothing to.
407
00:15:02.595 --> 00:15:02.855
Yeah.
408
00:15:03.035 --> 00:15:03.835
Why are you giving them grace?
409
00:15:04.336 --> 00:15:05.436
I mean, that's really kind of true.
410
00:15:06.628 --> 00:15:10.633
There is a version of me that goes like, sure, everybody can have a bad day or a bad week or a bad whatever.
411
00:15:11.394 --> 00:15:12.455
Usually it's indicative.
412
00:15:12.495 --> 00:15:16.881
It's usually not just that day, that week, that one time.
413
00:15:16.901 --> 00:15:17.081
Right.
414
00:15:17.101 --> 00:15:17.742
Something went weird.
415
00:15:18.162 --> 00:15:18.723
But yeah.
416
00:15:18.783 --> 00:15:19.123
It's a pattern.
417
00:15:19.344 --> 00:15:19.804
Yeah.
418
00:15:19.824 --> 00:15:20.545
It's usually a pattern.
419
00:15:22.627 --> 00:15:24.529
And now we know we need to block.
420
00:15:24.909 --> 00:15:25.450
Block to burn.
421
00:15:25.990 --> 00:15:27.732
Block to burn.
422
00:15:27.852 --> 00:15:32.516
With the audacity, with the test and apologize, with the failure to follow up on plans.
423
00:15:32.616 --> 00:15:33.777
With the breadcrumbing.
424
00:15:33.817 --> 00:15:34.898
With the low effort.
425
00:15:34.938 --> 00:15:35.999
Why don't you just come here?
426
00:15:36.359 --> 00:15:39.742
On the first date, that means he doesn't want to pay for you to do anything.
427
00:15:40.143 --> 00:15:41.544
He doesn't even want to leave his couch.
428
00:15:41.984 --> 00:15:44.086
He's just like, please come to me, deliver to me.
429
00:15:44.126 --> 00:15:45.928
I'm going to get you drunk and then maybe get laid.
430
00:15:46.208 --> 00:15:46.768
Right.
431
00:15:46.788 --> 00:15:48.229
Well, I mean, that's part of it too, right?
432
00:15:48.269 --> 00:15:50.530
Is that I'm not going to anyone's house on a first date.
433
00:15:50.570 --> 00:15:51.550
I've never met you, sir.
434
00:15:51.651 --> 00:15:53.391
I am not going to your private lair.
435
00:15:53.611 --> 00:15:53.751
No.
436
00:15:53.832 --> 00:15:56.253
That just seems like a safety hazard, if nothing else.
437
00:15:56.673 --> 00:15:57.753
Well, that's what I was going to say.
438
00:15:57.793 --> 00:16:01.495
Like, if we were to warn women as they're moving into this dating world, I think...
439
00:16:01.997 --> 00:16:02.798
That's definitely it.
440
00:16:02.938 --> 00:16:03.098
Sure.
441
00:16:03.138 --> 00:16:06.741
Like, I don't even see anyone's house until I understand who they are.
442
00:16:06.761 --> 00:16:08.803
Or I think I understand who they are.
443
00:16:08.863 --> 00:16:09.063
Sure.
444
00:16:09.103 --> 00:16:10.444
Because they can wear that mask for a bit.
445
00:16:10.704 --> 00:16:11.665
Yeah.
446
00:16:11.725 --> 00:16:12.446
Yeah, that's a safety.
447
00:16:12.466 --> 00:16:13.807
But if a guy doesn't want...
448
00:16:13.847 --> 00:16:15.148
I mean, no shade on sluttiness.
449
00:16:15.548 --> 00:16:16.689
Like, I'm... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
450
00:16:16.729 --> 00:16:18.871
I'm slutty enough to not throw any shade in that direction.
451
00:16:19.051 --> 00:16:19.552
Yeah.
452
00:16:19.952 --> 00:16:21.793
If there's anybody that needs to see anybody's house.
453
00:16:21.813 --> 00:16:23.915
If you want to be a hoe, girl, be a hoe.
454
00:16:24.055 --> 00:16:25.416
I'm just saying that's not where I'm in life.
455
00:16:25.476 --> 00:16:26.597
No, exactly.
456
00:16:26.898 --> 00:16:29.780
And just as a safety concern, you've got to get to know someone first.
457
00:16:30.020 --> 00:16:30.741
That's true.
458
00:16:30.781 --> 00:16:32.262
Before anyone goes to anyone's house.
459
00:16:32.942 --> 00:16:33.543
Absolutely.
460
00:16:34.984 --> 00:16:37.606
So ladies, if you are new to dating, that is the new rule.
461
00:16:37.926 --> 00:16:40.208
No second chances.
462
00:16:40.628 --> 00:16:41.229
It's really true.
463
00:16:42.189 --> 00:16:44.171
Back out in the dating world now, we need the new rules.
464
00:16:44.471 --> 00:16:44.911
Absolutely.
465
00:16:44.931 --> 00:16:45.552
Just keep it moving.
466
00:16:47.293 --> 00:16:47.994
Yeah, absolutely.
467
00:16:49.335 --> 00:16:51.857
So thank you so much for joining us today, everybody.
468
00:16:52.417 --> 00:16:55.199
Until next time, and always remember, trust your gut.
469
00:16:55.519 --> 00:16:57.581
Block those red flags and do not text your ex.
470
00:16:58.241 --> 00:16:58.502
Right?
471
00:16:58.662 --> 00:16:58.982
That's it.
472
00:16:59.897 --> 00:17:05.392
I was like I don't know where to go I don't know either that's okay