TRANSKRIP 🔗
WEBVTT
00:00:00.239 --> 00:00:02.000
The care conference was over.
00:00:02.240 --> 00:00:05.519
And as usual, I left with homework.
00:00:05.839 --> 00:00:08.800
A list of rehab facilities to research.
00:00:09.199 --> 00:00:21.679
Because apparently, once your parent is medically stable, you get promoted to director of Google, phone calls, and making decisions nobody trained you for.
00:00:22.320 --> 00:00:29.679
Luckily, mom has lived in this area for thirty seven years, which meant she had something incredibly valuable.
00:00:30.480 --> 00:00:35.439
Friends, and neighbors, and friends of friends.
00:00:35.920 --> 00:00:46.960
And everybody had an opinion about which rehab was good, which one was okay, and which ones they wouldn't send their worst enemy to.
00:00:48.000 --> 00:00:50.479
So I started making phone calls.
00:00:50.799 --> 00:01:01.439
Most of the places people recommended were either much better on paper than they were in real life, or completely out of our budget.
00:01:02.159 --> 00:01:05.120
So I did what any reasonable person would do.
00:01:05.920 --> 00:01:08.480
I expanded the search area.
00:01:09.120 --> 00:01:12.719
And honestly, I've done this before.
00:01:13.040 --> 00:01:15.040
It worked when I was dating.
00:01:15.760 --> 00:01:19.439
Sometimes you just have to expand your criteria.
00:01:20.000 --> 00:01:22.879
Not necessarily lower your standards.
00:01:23.200 --> 00:01:25.040
Just widen the radius.
00:01:25.840 --> 00:01:29.359
Distance I can work with distance.
00:01:30.000 --> 00:01:32.560
Standards are another matter.
00:01:33.040 --> 00:01:46.640
So while I was researching facilities, making phone calls, checking availability, comparing what they offered, I was feeling like I was actually accomplishing something.
00:01:47.280 --> 00:01:48.560
I had a list.
00:01:49.439 --> 00:01:50.719
I had a plan.
00:01:51.599 --> 00:01:54.000
I was moving things forward.
00:01:54.879 --> 00:01:59.280
And then someone from the administration office stopped by.
00:01:59.840 --> 00:02:04.560
She had some paperwork for me to sign for mom's procedure on Monday.
00:02:05.439 --> 00:02:07.200
I looked at her.
00:02:07.920 --> 00:02:09.199
Excuse me?
00:02:10.080 --> 00:02:11.680
What procedure?
00:02:12.719 --> 00:02:18.159
Apparently, Mom was scheduled for a debridgement on her foot.
00:02:18.639 --> 00:02:25.360
Now if you're like me, you're probably thinking what the hell is a debridgement?
00:02:26.240 --> 00:02:34.000
Basically, there was dead tissue on the top of Mom's foot that needed to be removed to help her wound heal.
00:02:34.240 --> 00:02:38.000
Later that day, I asked the attending physician about it.
00:02:38.240 --> 00:02:48.560
He told me the procedure was actually one of the primary reasons Mom had been sent to the acute care hospital in the first place.
00:02:49.520 --> 00:02:51.919
One of the primary reasons.
00:02:52.560 --> 00:02:57.759
And somehow I had no idea it was happening.
00:02:58.319 --> 00:03:00.879
It had already been planned.
00:03:01.280 --> 00:03:03.280
It was in Mom's chart.
00:03:03.759 --> 00:03:11.360
It was part of the plan before mom was even transferred to the acute care hospital.
00:03:11.919 --> 00:03:16.400
But somehow nobody had mentioned it.
00:03:17.599 --> 00:03:24.960
Not the social worker at the first hospital when we were discussing mom qualifying for the acute care hospital.
00:03:25.680 --> 00:03:28.080
Not during the care conference.
00:03:28.879 --> 00:03:32.319
Not while we were talking about mom's next steps.
00:03:33.520 --> 00:03:34.479
Nobody.
00:03:35.520 --> 00:03:38.960
Apparently, this is how caregiving works.
00:03:39.360 --> 00:03:42.960
Everyone assumes someone else communicated.
00:03:43.680 --> 00:03:47.199
So somehow, I'm the last one to get the memo.
00:03:47.840 --> 00:03:51.439
Now I understand this was considered a minor procedure.
00:03:51.759 --> 00:03:58.080
The podiatrist had already examined mom's foot and told me it was healing nicely.
00:03:58.879 --> 00:04:02.080
It would be done with minimal to moderate sedation.
00:04:03.039 --> 00:04:05.439
It would take less than an hour.
00:04:05.919 --> 00:04:10.800
From a medical standpoint, not a big deal.
00:04:13.120 --> 00:04:15.360
From the caregiver standpoint?
00:04:15.680 --> 00:04:17.519
Are you kidding me?
00:04:18.480 --> 00:04:23.519
Because here's the thing I don't think medical professionals always understand.
00:04:24.399 --> 00:04:28.480
They may see it as one small procedure on a chart.
00:04:29.199 --> 00:04:36.399
I see one more thing added to an already overflowing mental spreadsheet.
00:04:37.199 --> 00:04:57.600
Mom had been through an accident, a broken leg, a hematoma, respiratory problems, oxygen, ventilator, hospital transfers, rehab planning, and now oh by the way, foot procedure on Monday.
00:04:58.480 --> 00:05:03.040
And the most frustrating part wasn't even that she needed it.
00:05:03.519 --> 00:05:07.279
It was that it had been planned all along.
00:05:08.560 --> 00:05:17.199
Which meant I was somehow expected to keep track of something I didn't even know I was supposed to be keeping track of.
00:05:18.000 --> 00:05:21.199
And that's one of the strangest parts of caregiving.
00:05:21.600 --> 00:05:24.720
You can't ask about what you don't know.
00:05:25.759 --> 00:05:30.639
How exactly do you ask about a procedure you didn't know existed?
00:05:31.759 --> 00:05:36.639
How do you catch something that someone else was supposed to tell you about?
00:05:37.759 --> 00:05:43.600
Apparently, I'm supposed to have developed psychic abilities somewhere along the way.
00:05:44.800 --> 00:05:48.639
I wasn't trying to micromanage every medical decision.
00:05:49.120 --> 00:05:53.920
I wasn't expecting someone to hand me a forty-seven page instruction manual.
00:05:54.879 --> 00:05:58.399
Although honestly, I would have read it.
00:05:58.720 --> 00:06:03.279
Probably highlighted it, maybe even laminated it.
Load full transcript
00:06:04.160 --> 00:06:08.959
I was just trying to make sure I knew what was happening to my mom.
00:06:10.879 --> 00:06:16.160
So I signed the papers, I asked the questions I could think of.
00:06:16.959 --> 00:06:21.680
I stayed calm because mom was right there.
00:06:22.399 --> 00:06:29.920
And she didn't need to watch me lose my mind over something that medically was supposed to be relatively minor.
00:06:31.040 --> 00:06:42.079
So I took a breath and added unexpected foot procedure to the growing list of things I was apparently responsible for knowing about.
00:06:43.519 --> 00:06:46.319
And then my brain went somewhere else.
00:06:47.279 --> 00:06:49.519
What else am I missing?
00:06:50.639 --> 00:07:04.480
Because if nobody had told me about something that was apparently one of the primary reasons mom had been sent to the acute care hospital, what else was sitting somewhere in her chart that I didn't know about?
00:07:05.839 --> 00:07:11.199
What else was somebody assuming someone else had told me?
00:07:12.639 --> 00:07:20.720
And this is where the caregiver brain really earns its reputation for being completely unhelpful.
00:07:22.160 --> 00:07:25.759
Now I wasn't just dealing with the thing I had just learned.
00:07:26.240 --> 00:07:34.959
I was mentally opening every other drawer in the hospital, looking for things I didn't know were there.
00:07:36.000 --> 00:07:40.399
And then of course, I had to update the family.
00:07:41.199 --> 00:07:42.480
My sister.
00:07:43.120 --> 00:07:47.600
Pam, my cousin, my uncle.
00:07:48.160 --> 00:07:53.680
Because apparently finding out what was happening to mom wasn't the end of my job.
00:07:54.560 --> 00:07:57.519
I had to update the family news network.
00:07:57.839 --> 00:08:00.720
And of course they all had questions.
00:08:01.279 --> 00:08:04.879
They all went through the exact same reaction I had.
00:08:05.759 --> 00:08:07.199
What procedure?
00:08:07.600 --> 00:08:09.360
Why is she having it?
00:08:09.680 --> 00:08:11.439
When is it happening?
00:08:11.759 --> 00:08:13.920
Why didn't we know about this?
00:08:15.040 --> 00:08:18.959
And honestly, that's the question, isn't it?
00:08:19.519 --> 00:08:21.920
How are any of us supposed to know?
00:08:22.560 --> 00:08:25.439
You can't ask about what you don't know.
00:08:26.319 --> 00:08:29.279
And because I'm the one delivering the information?
00:08:29.920 --> 00:08:33.759
Guess who gets to absorb all of that frustration?
00:08:34.799 --> 00:08:36.240
Yep, me.
00:08:37.360 --> 00:08:43.120
Not because anyone is actually mad at me, but when you're the person who's there.
00:08:43.919 --> 00:08:54.720
When you're the person everyone calls, when you're the person who's supposed to know what's happening, you start to feel like you dropped the ball.
00:08:55.120 --> 00:08:58.000
Like somehow you should have known.
00:08:58.320 --> 00:09:00.720
You should have asked the right question.
00:09:01.440 --> 00:09:03.200
You should have caught it.
00:09:03.679 --> 00:09:06.639
You should have known there was a procedure coming.
00:09:07.679 --> 00:09:15.120
Except how exactly was I supposed to know about something nobody told me about?
00:09:16.320 --> 00:09:19.600
That's another fun little feature of caregiving.
00:09:20.240 --> 00:09:27.519
You can be doing everything you possibly can and still walk away feeling like you screwed something up.
00:09:29.039 --> 00:09:38.399
So now I'm explaining the procedure to everyone while simultaneously trying to convince myself that I didn't somehow fail the family.
00:09:39.360 --> 00:09:48.240
Because apparently when you're the person who's supposed to know everything, not knowing something feels suspiciously like your fault.
00:09:48.960 --> 00:09:54.000
And that it's a whole separate kind of exhaustion.
00:09:54.799 --> 00:09:58.240
There was nothing left to do except get through Monday.
00:09:58.879 --> 00:10:00.879
Mom was fasting again.
00:10:01.360 --> 00:10:04.639
I kissed her goodbye and watched them wheel her away.
00:10:05.519 --> 00:10:06.960
Sound familiar?
00:10:07.679 --> 00:10:09.440
And then I waited.
00:10:10.240 --> 00:10:10.879
Again.
00:10:12.000 --> 00:10:13.279
The good news?
00:10:13.759 --> 00:10:17.120
The procedure went exactly as planned.
00:10:17.440 --> 00:10:23.440
Less than an hour, no drama, no new crisis.
00:10:24.240 --> 00:10:25.600
I'll take it.
00:10:26.320 --> 00:10:32.240
And while all of that was happening, I was still searching for a place for mom to go.
00:10:32.799 --> 00:10:35.360
I found a few that looked promising.
00:10:35.759 --> 00:10:38.159
Then came another caregiver favorite.
00:10:38.960 --> 00:10:41.919
We're not accepting new patients at this time.
00:10:42.720 --> 00:10:44.559
Of course you aren't.
00:10:44.960 --> 00:10:46.559
Why would you be?
00:10:47.120 --> 00:10:49.679
That would make this too easy.
00:10:51.039 --> 00:10:54.000
Eventually I found one that looked like it could work.
00:10:54.559 --> 00:10:56.159
I went to see it.
00:10:56.799 --> 00:10:58.080
I liked it.
00:10:58.559 --> 00:11:00.320
Mom was accepted.
00:11:01.279 --> 00:11:05.519
Finally! We had somewhere to go.
00:11:05.919 --> 00:11:10.399
And for once, I actually knew what was happening next.
00:11:10.879 --> 00:11:14.159
Around here, we're calling that a win.
00:11:14.480 --> 00:11:18.159
Until next time, take care of yourself too.
00:11:18.399 --> 00:11:24.000
I'm the wicked daughter, caring for your aging parent, one meltdown at a time.
00:11:24.559 --> 00:11:29.919
When your friends say cherish this time, you smile while you're losing your mind.
00:11:30.240 --> 00:11:35.039
Was it the pharmacy line or the rush our doctor drive?
00:11:35.200 --> 00:11:40.399
So you swallow that glare with a laugh and a sigh and say, Don't fret, dear.
00:11:40.720 --> 00:11:43.200
We're having the time of our lives.
00:11:43.440 --> 00:11:46.399
Oh, we're having the time.
00:11:46.879 --> 00:11:48.559
The time of our lives.
00:11:49.039 --> 00:11:50.480
Wicked daughter.