TRANSKRIP 🔗
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At the Screen Guild Theater, a radio production is assembling
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with Barbara Stanwyck, Basil Rathbone, and director Michael Curtis, and
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Jack Benny wants in. Our visit with the Jack Benny
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program brings us to the Frontline Theater presentation, Ham for Sale,
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drawn from the March 27, 1944 Screen Guild Theater broadcast,
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episode number 189. It's the Frontline Theater. It's the Frontline Theater.
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Frontline Theater presents a riotous, hectic comedy, Ham for Sale,
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starring Barbara Stanwyck, Basil Rathbone, Michael Curtiz, and one of
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America's top funnymen, Jack Benny. As an additional treat, there's
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the intermission music of Russ Morgan and his orchestra.
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Welcome to Frontline Theater, men.
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This is your theater, and every performance is presented for you,
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the men and women of the United Nations. Our play,
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Ham for Sale, features four of Hollywood's outstanding personalities, Barbara Stanwyck,
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Basil Rathbone, Michael Curtiz, and Jack Benny. Strictly speaking, our
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play is not really a play at all, but rather
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Jack Benny's efforts to get into one. On hand to
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acquaint you with the details is one of filmdom's most
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lovable character actors, Mr. Gene Herschel. Now the house lights
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dim and the curtain rises. And here to give you
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the lowdown on ham for sale is Mr.
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Herschel. Thank you and good evening.
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For our guests on tonight's program, we have Barbara Stanwyck,
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Basil Rathbone, and your actor, Michael Curtis. Three of Filmdom's
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outstanding personalities who will offer.
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Just a minute, Gene. I thought Jack Benny was supposed
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to be one of the guests here tonight. Jack Benny?
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Yes.
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Well, he was.
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But he got a little temperamental, so we, uh... Well,
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so he's just not here tonight. But, Gene, Jack told
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me that.
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No, Truman. Let me explain the whole thing. When Jack
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found out that Michael Curtis was going.
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To direct Barbara Stanwyck and Basil Ratbone in a dramatic sketch,
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right away he wanted to muzzle in on it. So
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he called me up and tried to sell himself. I
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had a terrible time getting rid of him, and.
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This is exactly what happened.
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Hello?
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Hello?
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Hello, this is Jack Benny speaking. I'd like to talk
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to Mr. Holt.
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Who?
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Mr.
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Holt.
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Mr. Hirsch Holt.
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Is he in?
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You must mean Gene Hirsch Holt. This is he speaking.
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Oh, Gene Hirsch Holt, yes. Didn't he explain to you
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that the play is all set and the cast is complete?
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Well, yes.
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I'll tell you what, I'll tell you. Let's make it
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some other night.
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Well, now, look, don't give me that some other time stuff,
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and you don't have to beat around the bush, either.
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Look, Mr.
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Herschel, if you don't want me to be on this show,
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just say so. And all I want is a simple answer.
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Yes or no?
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No.
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Now, wait a minute. Look, and I can tell from
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your attitude, Mr. Herschel, that this is a personal matter.
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I mean, what have you got against me?
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I haven't got anything against you, Jack, but you're a comedian.
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Frankly, I don't think you have enough dramatic ability to
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play the lead opposite Miss Stanwyck.
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What do you mean I can't be dramatic? Did you
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ever see me when I was worried? Why, I'm only 32,
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and I've got gray hair.
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You're only what?
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I've got gray hair, can't you hear? Now, look, who
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can I speak to besides you about this?
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Well, Jack, there's only one suggestion I can make.
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Get in touch with Mr. Michael Curtace. He is going
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to direct the play we are doing on this program.
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Michael Cortez, the director who won the Academy Award? Oh, boy.
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And if it's all right with Cortez, it's all
Load full transcript
right
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with me.
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Well, thanks, thanks. I'll call him right away. By the way,
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what's Mr. Cortez's telephone number?
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Uh, Ulrich 8900.
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Wait till I write that down.
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Ulrich 8... Hey, wait a minute. That's the number you
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call to get the right time. Now, look, Mr. Herschel. Hello? Hello?
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Operator, I was cut off.
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You weren't cut off, brother.
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Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
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Fine president for the Motion Picture Relief Fund. Got a
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good mind to run against him. Now, let's see. Where
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can I get Cortez's number? Well, here's the telephone book
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right here.
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Let's see.
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There's C, C, C, Cur, Curry.
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I hate curry.
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Why do they have to take chicken and spoil it
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with that stuff? Kurt, Kurt C., Kurt Tess. Oh, there
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it is. No, no, no, miss. I want to talk
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to Mr. Kurt Tess personally.
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Who's calling, please?
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Benny, Jack Benny.
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Yes, sir.
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Is it about insurance or something?
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No.
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No, it's about acting. Please get Mr. Kurt Tess on
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the phone.
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Yes, sir.
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Insurance, yes.
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Haven't sold a policy since Warner Brothers picked up my option.
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In the first place.
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Hello?
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Oh, hello, Mr.
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Cortez. This is Jack.
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Jack who?
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Oh, pardon me, Benny.
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Jack Benny.
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Remember, we met once at a party at Marlene Dietrich's house.
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Uh, Marlene Dietrich?
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You know, the girl with the legs.
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All girls I know have legs.
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That's right, they do.
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Now look, Mr.
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Cortez.
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Oh, Jack Benny.
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Oh, oh.
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Are you the radio comedian?
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And violinist. Now here's... Now, here's the situation, Mr.
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Cortez.
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I just spoke to Gene Herschel, president of the Motion
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Picture Relief Fund, whom, incidentally, I'm running against next year.
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And Mr. Herschel said if it was okay with you,
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I could be on the program.
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Ah, but I'm not directing a comedy, Mr. Benny. It's
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going to be a very serious, dramatic play.
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Well, gee, I can do drama.
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I made a picture once called The Meanest Man.
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In the World.
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I didn't get one laugh in it. Now, uh, now
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what do you say?
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I'm glad I missed it.
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Look, I don't mean that.
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I'm talking about acting with Barbara Stanley.
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Now, Mr.
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Benny, I'm trying to explain it to the best of
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my ability. You are a comedian, and it's impossible to
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convince anyone that you are a lover.
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Well, I'm too much of a gentleman to mention names, but, um...
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But there are a couple of girls at the Florentine
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Gardens that'll give you an argument about that, brother.
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Now, just wait a moment, Jack.
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Basil Radburn is all set to play opposite Barbara Stanwyck.
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And there is nothing I can.
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Do about it.
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Basil Radburn? Well, why can't we make it a triangle?
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Why can't he be her husband and I her lover?
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Because I am a director and not a miracle man.
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Well, I'll take care of the miracles. It, uh, it
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can be worked out.
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Don't worry. All right.
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I tell you what, Jack. I'm very busy now. I
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suggest you call Miss Stanwyck. And if it's all right
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with her, it's okay with me. Thank you.
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I'll do that. Oh, what's Miss Stanwyck's telephone number?
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Oh, I think it's Crestview 67071.
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Thank you.
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Goodbye. Goodbye.
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Hello.
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Joe's Fish Market.
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What? Come on, buddy.
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I haven't got all day. Is Barbara there? Barracuda, 42
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cents a pound.
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Barracuda? Who is this anyway?
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This is Joe's fish market. Oh, I don't want any fish.
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I've got to.
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What's wrong with fish?
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Nothing, nothing.
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Boats going out every day, taking a chance with submarines,
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and you don't like the fish they bring back. Look,
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it isn't that. I just happen to call... It's guys
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like you that are eating up all the cows.
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In this country.
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I never ate a cow in my life. I got
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the wrong number. Goodbye.
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Hmm.
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Cortez gave me the wrong number purposely. Oh, well, I'll
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get Barbara in the phone book, and I won't take
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any chances this time. I'll trap her into letting me
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play the part.
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Now, let's see.
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I'll disguise my voice.
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Let's see.
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Stanwyck. S-S-T.
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Stan.
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Standish. Stank.
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I used to go with a girl named Stank. Alga Stank.
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Stanley.
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Stanton. There it is.
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Stanwyck. Hello.
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I'd like to speak to Miss.
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Stanwyck, please.
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This is Miss Stanwyck speaking.
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Oh, my name is Sizzbucket. Roscoe J.
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Sizzbucket.
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I'm with the Radio Gallup poll. Tell me, Miss Stanwyck,
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who do you listen to?
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On Sundays?
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Amy McPherson.
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I see. Well, Miss Sandwick, do you ever listen to
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Jack Benny? Oh, yes.
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I never miss him.
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He's wonderful. Well, that's nice to know. Tell me, Miss Sandwick,
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would you be interested in doing a play that is
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a love scene with Mr. Benny on the radio?
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On the radio, back porch, or Davenport? No.
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Hmm.
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But you just said he was wonderful.
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I don't mind listening to him, but I won't have
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him pawing me.
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Who said I was going to pour you?
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Just a minute. Who is this, anyway?
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It ain't Joe's Fish Market. Now, look, Barbara... Why, Jack Benny,
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you ought to be ashamed of yourself. Oh, I was
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only kidding. Have you any objection to my playing the
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part of your husband in the sketch?
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But I understood Basil Rathbone was playing the part.
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Well, he's scheduled to, tentatively. But if you want me,
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all you've got to do is speak up. I said,
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all you've got to do is speak up. Barbara, are
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you there?
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Yes.
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Oh, oh.
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Well, I wish you'd... I wish you'd think this over, Barbara.
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But, Jack, this part doesn't fit you. It has to
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be someone with a lot of sex appeal.
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Well, I have sex appeal. Gee, I was thrown out
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of the palladium three times for dancing too close.
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Dancing too close. You were just tired and hanging on.
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Well, no wonder the way I jitterbug. Come on, what
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do you say, Barbara? How about me doing the play
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with you instead of Rathbone?
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Well, I really have nothing to do with it, Jack.
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Why don't you call up Gene Herschelt?
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I did call him, and it's up to you. Now, look, Barbara,
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I've got another idea. Why can't I.
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Will you please deposit five cents for an additional three minutes?
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Whoop.
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Three minutes already?
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Just a second.
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Would you mind dropping a nickel in, Barbara?
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I'm sorry, but I don't have a payphone in my house.
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Oh, that's right. What's the matter with me?
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Do I get that nickel or do I have to
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cut you off?
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Now, don't get excited. Here, I found one.
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There.
256
00:12:11.639 --> 00:12:13.500
No more three minutes and the man on the moon.
257
00:12:14.720 --> 00:12:16.860
It doesn't seem like we've been talking for three minutes, does.
258
00:12:16.720 --> 00:12:17.179
It, Barbara?
259
00:12:17.220 --> 00:12:18.360
You ought to be on this end.
260
00:12:22.990 --> 00:12:23.409
Oh, yes.
261
00:12:23.629 --> 00:12:25.570
Well, come to the point, Barbara. Look, here's what I
262
00:12:25.610 --> 00:12:27.750
was going to ask you. When do you start rehearsing
263
00:12:27.789 --> 00:12:28.250
the play?
264
00:12:28.470 --> 00:12:30.669
Tomorrow night at my house, but I don't think you
265
00:12:30.720 --> 00:12:30.940
ought to.
266
00:12:30.929 --> 00:12:32.179
At your house, eh? What time?
267
00:12:32.360 --> 00:12:34.440
Eight o'clock, but really, Jack, I don't think you ought.
268
00:12:34.460 --> 00:12:34.720
Eight o'clock.
269
00:12:34.740 --> 00:12:36.139
Well, thanks, Barbara. See you tomorrow night.
270
00:12:36.259 --> 00:12:38.519
I'll read the part, and Basil Rathbone will read the part,
271
00:12:38.559 --> 00:12:40.919
and may the best man win. That's fair enough, isn't it?
272
00:12:41.080 --> 00:12:41.820
I'll say it is.
273
00:12:42.139 --> 00:12:43.610
Swell. Well, goodbye.
274
00:12:43.639 --> 00:12:44.129
Goodbye.
275
00:12:44.149 --> 00:12:45.789
Oh, by the way, Barbara, shall I come for dinner?
276
00:12:45.809 --> 00:12:45.879
Hmm.
277
00:12:50.389 --> 00:12:51.690
Oh, well, some other time.
278
00:13:04.149 --> 00:13:07.070
And so ends Act One of our farce, Ham for Sale,
279
00:13:07.090 --> 00:13:11.190
starring Barbara Stanwyck, Basil Rathbone, Michael Curtiz, and Jack Benny.
280
00:13:11.649 --> 00:13:14.200
And now during intermission, here's Russ Morgan and his music
281
00:13:14.240 --> 00:13:16.340
makers to give you some of these days.
282
00:13:41.809 --> 00:13:42.470
THE END.
283
00:13:56.360 --> 00:13:58.740
Thank you, Russ Morgan. But now to act two of
284
00:13:58.799 --> 00:14:02.129
Ham for Sale with Jack Benny, Barbara Stanwyck, Basil Rathbone,
285
00:14:02.169 --> 00:14:05.149
and Michael Curtiz. As the curtain rises, we find that
286
00:14:05.190 --> 00:14:07.169
the unsuspecting Miss Stanwyck has invited Mr.
287
00:14:07.190 --> 00:14:08.110
Benny over to her home.
288
00:14:08.529 --> 00:14:08.750
Mr.
289
00:14:08.769 --> 00:14:11.610
Benny bursts into Miss Stanwyck's residence, and the butler takes
290
00:14:11.649 --> 00:14:12.129
it from there.
291
00:14:12.149 --> 00:14:13.320
Right this way, Mr.
292
00:14:13.360 --> 00:14:13.649
Benny.
293
00:14:13.960 --> 00:14:15.940
I'll show you into the drawing room. Thank you, thanks.
294
00:14:16.200 --> 00:14:16.419
Mr.
295
00:14:16.460 --> 00:14:17.440
Rathbone is here already.
296
00:14:17.860 --> 00:14:18.419
Oh, he is.
297
00:14:19.000 --> 00:14:20.440
One of those anxious guys, eh?
298
00:14:20.460 --> 00:14:22.379
Say, this is a lovely home.
299
00:14:22.559 --> 00:14:23.740
May I take your umbrella, Mr.
300
00:14:23.759 --> 00:14:23.879
Benny?
301
00:14:23.899 --> 00:14:29.350
Thank you.
Oh, yes, yes, I should have left it
302
00:14:29.409 --> 00:14:31.029
out in the hall. You know, it looked like rain
303
00:14:31.070 --> 00:14:31.970
when I started out.
304
00:14:37.990 --> 00:14:38.870
Well, well, Mr.
305
00:14:38.889 --> 00:14:41.669
Rathbone, I'm Jack Benny, the movie star.
306
00:14:41.870 --> 00:14:42.509
Now, how do you do?
307
00:14:47.110 --> 00:14:47.769
Now, how do you do?
308
00:14:48.220 --> 00:14:48.799
So the two.
309
00:14:48.740 --> 00:14:49.720
Rivals meet, eh?
310
00:14:50.620 --> 00:14:51.000
Rivals?
311
00:14:51.559 --> 00:14:51.899
Yes.
312
00:14:52.279 --> 00:14:54.179
Well, perhaps I should let Barbara tell you, but it
313
00:14:54.200 --> 00:14:55.860
looks like, well, I'm taking your place.
314
00:14:55.879 --> 00:14:56.840
You're taking my place?
315
00:14:57.450 --> 00:14:58.129
Well, it's this way.
316
00:14:58.210 --> 00:15:00.049
At rehearsal tonight, you and I are both going to
317
00:15:00.070 --> 00:15:02.889
read the part, and of course, the best man will win.
318
00:15:03.750 --> 00:15:04.429
The best man?
319
00:15:04.789 --> 00:15:05.090
Yes.
320
00:15:05.610 --> 00:15:05.789
Mr.
321
00:15:05.830 --> 00:15:08.009
Benny, when only two people are involved in a statement,
322
00:15:08.029 --> 00:15:10.620
the comparative is used. You don't say the best man
323
00:15:10.649 --> 00:15:19.129
will win, you say the better man will win. Oh. Now,
324
00:15:19.690 --> 00:15:21.730
if three or more people are involved, then the word
325
00:15:21.970 --> 00:15:25.250
best is the correct adjective. I see. So before we
326
00:15:25.289 --> 00:15:27.389
compete for the part in this play, Mr. Benny, perhaps
327
00:15:27.429 --> 00:15:28.940
it would be as well if you first.
328
00:15:28.740 --> 00:15:29.860
Learned how to speak English.
329
00:15:35.220 --> 00:15:36.480
Well, for your information, Mr.
330
00:15:36.519 --> 00:15:39.240
Rathbone, I went to Waukegan High School four years, and
331
00:15:39.299 --> 00:15:42.929
I excelled in English. In fact, I got 99 every
332
00:15:42.970 --> 00:15:43.710
single term.
333
00:15:43.929 --> 00:15:45.450
Now, ain't that interesting?
334
00:15:45.470 --> 00:15:46.000
Now, cut that out!
335
00:15:56.080 --> 00:15:58.279
And getting back to the Screen Guild show, the way
336
00:15:58.299 --> 00:16:00.440
the script is written now, you play the part of
337
00:16:00.480 --> 00:16:02.000
Miss Stanwyck's husband, is that correct?
338
00:16:02.100 --> 00:16:03.500
That is correct and final.
339
00:16:03.720 --> 00:16:04.960
Well, that remains to be seen.
340
00:16:04.980 --> 00:16:08.279
Hmm. I've heard of sore losers in my life, but
341
00:16:08.519 --> 00:16:09.899
this guy takes the cake, you know.
342
00:16:10.970 --> 00:16:11.870
Step right in here, Mr.
343
00:16:11.909 --> 00:16:14.629
Cortez. Miss Stammer will be with you shortly. Oh, thank you.
344
00:16:14.809 --> 00:16:15.870
Oh, hello, Basil.
345
00:16:15.889 --> 00:16:16.090
Hello.
346
00:16:16.230 --> 00:16:17.250
Michael, boy, how are you?
347
00:16:17.529 --> 00:16:18.360
Fine, fine.
348
00:16:18.409 --> 00:16:18.940
Oh, hello, Mr.
349
00:16:18.960 --> 00:16:19.440
Cortez.
350
00:16:19.799 --> 00:16:20.860
What are you doing here?
351
00:16:21.519 --> 00:16:23.419
Well, I just thought I'd drop around to see if
352
00:16:23.559 --> 00:16:23.840
I could.
353
00:16:23.860 --> 00:16:25.980
Now, listen, Mike. I don't know what this is all about,
354
00:16:26.019 --> 00:16:27.600
but I demand an explanation.
355
00:16:27.759 --> 00:16:28.539
Look, Mr. Rathbone.
356
00:16:28.580 --> 00:16:29.179
Explanation?
357
00:16:29.200 --> 00:16:29.990
That's what I want.
358
00:16:30.139 --> 00:16:30.570
Look, Mr.
359
00:16:30.590 --> 00:16:30.759
Cortez.
360
00:16:30.799 --> 00:16:32.649
I was under the impression that I was to appear
361
00:16:32.669 --> 00:16:33.350
opposite Miss Stammer.
362
00:16:33.549 --> 00:16:33.990
Look, Mr.
363
00:16:34.029 --> 00:16:35.190
Rathbone... Of course you were.
364
00:16:35.269 --> 00:16:35.710
Look, Mr.
365
00:16:35.730 --> 00:16:36.679
Cortez....
366
00:16:39.080 --> 00:16:40.320
Then what is this all about?
367
00:16:40.480 --> 00:16:40.799
Look, Mr.
368
00:16:40.879 --> 00:16:41.059
Richard.
369
00:16:41.080 --> 00:16:41.559
Now, look.
370
00:16:42.940 --> 00:16:43.360
Now, Mr.
371
00:16:43.399 --> 00:16:45.519
Benny, when I spoke to you on the telephone, I
372
00:16:45.539 --> 00:16:47.309
thought I made perfectly clear that I.
373
00:16:47.340 --> 00:16:48.320
Good evening, everybody.
374
00:16:48.340 --> 00:16:51.019
Well, here's Barbara. Hello, Barbara. How are you?
375
00:16:51.279 --> 00:16:52.539
Well, here we are.
376
00:16:52.559 --> 00:16:54.159
Just set the coffee down here, Richard.
377
00:16:54.210 --> 00:16:54.750
Yes, madame.
378
00:16:55.210 --> 00:16:56.509
Do me a task, Mr. Curtis.
379
00:16:56.549 --> 00:16:57.049
No, thank you.
380
00:16:57.110 --> 00:16:57.769
Coffee, Basil?
381
00:16:57.789 --> 00:16:58.269
Yes, please.
382
00:16:58.490 --> 00:16:59.190
I'll have some, too.
383
00:16:59.330 --> 00:17:00.110
Here you are, Jack.
384
00:17:02.049 --> 00:17:07.190
Uh, thanks. Oh, Barbara, this is the better coffee I
385
00:17:07.329 --> 00:17:19.910
ever tasted. Mr.
386
00:17:19.930 --> 00:17:21.710
Benny, the word is best.
387
00:17:21.970 --> 00:17:23.690
There are only two of us drinking it.
388
00:17:25.970 --> 00:17:26.910
Now, make up your mind.
389
00:17:27.970 --> 00:17:30.589
Well, we're all here, so let's get started with the rehearsal.
390
00:17:30.609 --> 00:17:31.089
Just one moment.
391
00:17:31.170 --> 00:17:34.930
Oh, Mike, let's get this settled for Mr. Benny's benefit,
392
00:17:34.950 --> 00:17:37.720
shall we? Is he or is he not replacing me
393
00:17:37.759 --> 00:17:38.200
in the play?
394
00:17:38.299 --> 00:17:39.519
Certainly not. That's ridiculous.
395
00:17:39.539 --> 00:17:40.500
Of course it's ridiculous.
396
00:17:40.539 --> 00:17:41.460
It's absurd.
397
00:17:41.619
--> 00:17:42.539
You stay out of this.
398
00:17:42.779 --> 00:17:44.019
Please.
399
00:17:44.039 --> 00:17:44.700
Please stop.
400
00:17:45.490 --> 00:17:46.710
Stop all this bickering.
401
00:17:47.109 --> 00:17:49.470
Now, Jack, if you would like to watch the rehearsal,
402
00:17:49.789 --> 00:17:51.609
just take a chair over there and be quiet.
403
00:17:51.789 --> 00:17:54.460
Yes, sir. Oh, Barbara. Is it all right if I
404
00:17:54.480 --> 00:17:56.400
have some of these walnuts here? Go right ahead.
405
00:17:56.440 --> 00:17:57.359
Help yourself, Jack.
406
00:17:57.440 --> 00:17:57.779
Thanks.
407
00:17:59.579 --> 00:18:05.859
Mmm, big ones. Jumbos. Mmm.
408
00:18:07.039 --> 00:18:09.349
Mmm. Now, Barbara, you too, Basil.
409
00:18:09.769 --> 00:18:11.970
If you both turn to the page 12 on this script.
410
00:18:11.990 --> 00:18:12.650
We'll proceed.
411
00:18:13.490 --> 00:18:14.490
Boy, these nuts are good.
412
00:18:14.509 --> 00:18:20.109
Mmm. You are good.
413
00:18:20.829 --> 00:18:23.289
Now, Barbara, you are a wealthy society girl who is
414
00:18:23.329 --> 00:18:24.710
married to a New York stockbroker.
415
00:18:24.789 --> 00:18:29.579
That's who you are, Basil. But he's not in love
416
00:18:29.599 --> 00:18:29.920
with you.
417
00:18:29.940 --> 00:18:32.660
Barbara, as the French say, it's a marriage of convenience.
418
00:18:34.519 --> 00:18:36.160
That was a tough one. Mr.
419
00:18:36.220 --> 00:18:41.970
Benny! Will you stop eating the nuts? Barbara said I could.
420
00:18:46.069 --> 00:18:46.569
Anyway, Mr.
421
00:18:46.589 --> 00:18:48.190
Cortez, I don't want to sit around here like a
422
00:18:48.230 --> 00:18:50.150
bump on a log. If I can't have the lead
423
00:18:50.170 --> 00:18:52.369
in the play, isn't there something I can do?
424
00:18:52.589 --> 00:18:53.029
All right.
425
00:18:53.049 --> 00:18:55.410
If it makes you happy, you can play the part
426
00:18:55.470 --> 00:18:56.039
of a butler.
427
00:18:56.380 --> 00:18:56.819
A butler?
428
00:18:57.119 --> 00:18:57.519
Okay.
429
00:18:57.619 --> 00:18:58.640
All right, here's your script.
430
00:18:58.720 --> 00:18:59.019
Thanks.
431
00:18:59.359 --> 00:19:00.859
Now remember, Barbara, you are the wife.
432
00:19:01.339 --> 00:19:04.559
Basil, you are the husband who doesn't understand her. And Jack?
433
00:19:04.819 --> 00:19:07.240
I'm the butler whom Barbara really loves.
434
00:19:08.200 --> 00:19:09.839
You are the butler, that's all.
435
00:19:11.079 --> 00:19:13.220
Okay, okay. Heavens to Betsy.
436
00:19:14.960 --> 00:19:15.779
All right, Barbara.
437
00:19:15.799 --> 00:19:18.039
Now you start the saying. Remember your husband is two
438
00:19:18.079 --> 00:19:20.140
hours late for dinner and you are a nervous wreck.
439
00:19:20.400 --> 00:19:23.099
I understand. Go ahead. Call for your butler.
440
00:19:23.240 --> 00:19:23.500
Yes.
441
00:19:24.960 --> 00:19:26.650
Oh, Smedley. Smedley.
442
00:19:27.329 --> 00:19:28.130
Yes, madame.
443
00:19:28.150 --> 00:19:29.890
Smedley yet.
444
00:19:31.910 --> 00:19:32.750
What is it, madame?
445
00:19:33.130 --> 00:19:34.930
Are you sure my husband hasn't phoned?
446
00:19:35.349 --> 00:19:35.950
No, madame.
447
00:19:35.970 --> 00:19:36.950
That's strange.
448
00:19:36.990 --> 00:19:39.329
He said he'd be back at... What time is it, Smedley?
449
00:19:39.470 --> 00:19:43.339
It's half past eight. Shall I serve dinner, madame?
450
00:19:43.480 --> 00:19:44.660
Oh, no, no, Smedley.
451
00:19:44.680 --> 00:19:45.910
I'm much too upset to eat.
452
00:19:46.329 --> 00:19:48.009
I think I'll go to a movie. What's playing in
453
00:19:48.029 --> 00:19:48.470
the village?
454
00:19:48.690 --> 00:19:51.549
George Washington slept here. starring Jack Benny.
455
00:19:51.650 --> 00:19:54.769
That is not in the script.
456
00:19:55.890 --> 00:19:57.720
Read the line that I've written, please.
457
00:19:57.940 --> 00:19:59.559
Well, it doesn't hurt to give my picture a plug.
458
00:19:59.579 --> 00:20:02.619
It doesn't change the plot any, does it? For heaven's sake.
459
00:20:02.799 --> 00:20:03.940
Read it on the way it's written.
460
00:20:04.380 --> 00:20:05.220
All right, all.
461
00:20:07.400 --> 00:20:08.640
Right.
462
00:20:10.640 --> 00:20:28.299
Between Herschel and you, I don't understand anything. All right,
463
00:20:28.339 --> 00:20:32.059
now give me, uh, give me that again, will you, Barbara? Okay.
464
00:20:32.799 --> 00:20:35.440
No, Smedley, I'm much too upset to eat. I think
465
00:20:35.500 --> 00:20:37.339
I'll go to a movie. What's playing in the village?
466
00:20:37.539 --> 00:20:39.180
Casablanca. How's that?
467
00:20:41.400 --> 00:20:42.099
Puss Buster.
468
00:20:42.500 --> 00:20:49.019
And George Washington slept here. It's a double feature. Yeah.
469
00:20:49.099 --> 00:20:49.799
Jack, please.
470
00:20:50.099 --> 00:20:53.140
All right, I'll start over again. Shall I serve dinner, madame?
471
00:20:53.289 --> 00:20:55.049
No, Smedley, I'm much too upset to eat.
472
00:20:55.089 --> 00:20:56.289
I think I'll go to a movie.
473
00:20:56.490 --> 00:20:58.390
Is one of my pictures playing in the village?
474
00:21:02.349 --> 00:21:05.589
There can't be three features on one bill. Shut up!
475
00:21:05.829 --> 00:21:06.670
All right, all right.
476
00:21:07.269 --> 00:21:10.369
Now, Barbara, at this point, the husband entered the room.
477
00:21:10.549 --> 00:21:11.819
Not really, Mike. Oh, Mr.
478
00:21:11.839 --> 00:21:14.079
Cortez, let me ask you something. When Basil comes in,
479
00:21:14.480 --> 00:21:16.240
or Basil... By the way, how do you pronounce that?
480
00:21:16.440 --> 00:21:17.400
Basil or Basil?
481
00:21:17.420 --> 00:21:17.559
Basil.
482
00:21:18.460 --> 00:21:18.809
Mr.
483
00:21:18.869 --> 00:21:19.430
Rathbone.
484
00:21:22.730 --> 00:21:23.349
Oh, well, when Mr.
485
00:21:23.390 --> 00:21:24.309
Rathbone comes in.
486
00:21:24.349 --> 00:21:27.369
Just read the line, Jack. I handle the rest. All
right,
487
00:21:27.470 --> 00:21:28.710
all right.
488
00:21:28.829 --> 00:21:31.769
Ready? Ready, Buzzle? Make your answers, please.
489
00:21:32.349 --> 00:21:32.529
Right.
490
00:21:33.509 --> 00:21:34.210
Oh, good evening, darling.
491
00:21:34.230 --> 00:21:34.940
So sorry I'm late.
492
00:21:35.079 --> 00:21:37.640
Oh, Ronald, you're always late and you're always sorry. It's
493
00:21:37.680 --> 00:21:40.359
been like this for months. What has come between us?
494
00:21:40.420 --> 00:21:41.599
If I only knew, maybe we.
495
00:21:41.529 --> 00:21:42.359
Could work things out.
496
00:21:42.369 --> 00:21:43.109
No, it's nothing, my dear.
497
00:21:43.170 --> 00:21:44.970
It's just that I've been so busy lately at the office.
498
00:21:44.990 --> 00:21:45.500
Let's forget it.
499
00:21:46.029 --> 00:21:47.940
Dinner is served. Oh, pardon me.
500
00:21:47.970 --> 00:21:48.529
I came in too soon.
501
00:22:03.130 --> 00:22:04.730
Oh, I can't understand it, Ronald.
502
00:22:04.750 --> 00:22:06.190
We must come to some understanding.
503
00:22:06.210 --> 00:22:07.230
This can't go on forever.
504
00:22:07.279 --> 00:22:08.900
Gwen, let's be adult about the whole thing, shall we?
505
00:22:08.940 --> 00:22:12.240
Every night it's the same argument, this constant nagging, nagging, nagging.
506
00:22:12.319 --> 00:22:13.579
I tell you, I've been working at the office.
507
00:22:13.599 --> 00:22:15.299
But I phoned your office and they said you left
508
00:22:15.359 --> 00:22:16.059
at two this afternoon.
509
00:22:16.099 --> 00:22:19.029
Well, I had business at the bank. Besides, I forgot
510
00:22:19.069 --> 00:22:20.150
where I parked my car.
511
00:22:20.930 --> 00:22:23.269
Fine Sherlock Holmes can't even find his car.
512
00:22:25.230 --> 00:22:26.529
Jack, stop interrupting.
513
00:22:33.180 --> 00:22:35.940
Oh, it's no use, Ronald. I know you're lying. Look
514
00:22:35.980 --> 00:22:38.549
at you. Everything you say, everything you do gives you away.
515
00:22:38.569 --> 00:22:39.109
Now, Ben, please.
516
00:22:39.119 --> 00:22:40.720
What's that on your collar? Is it lipstick?
517
00:22:40.970 --> 00:22:41.869
It ain't ketchup.
518
00:22:42.109 --> 00:22:45.130
Jack, please!
519
00:22:45.970 --> 00:22:48.049
Well, I don't want to stand around here like a dope.
520
00:22:48.269 --> 00:22:49.829
You've got the right line now.
521
00:22:50.490 --> 00:22:50.829
Faith.
522
00:22:51.109 --> 00:22:51.490
Oh, yes.
523
00:22:52.250 --> 00:22:53.269
Beg pardon, madame.
524
00:22:53.890 --> 00:22:55.190
Dinner is served.
525
00:22:55.769 --> 00:22:57.970
Jack, don't use such a thick accent.
526
00:23:04.130 --> 00:23:08.130
Well, now I've heard everything.
527
00:23:08.210 --> 00:23:08.690
Talk yet?
528
00:23:08.839 --> 00:23:11.259
Dinner is served. Ah, dinner.
529
00:23:11.619 --> 00:23:12.160
Come along, Gwen.
530
00:23:12.220 --> 00:23:14.460
We're not having dinner, Ronald. Not until we reach a
531
00:23:14.500 --> 00:23:15.420
definite understanding.
532
00:23:15.440 --> 00:23:16.079
But I'm hungry.
533
00:23:16.160 --> 00:23:18.680
Oh, Ronald, I can't go through another day of this uncertainty.
534
00:23:18.759 --> 00:23:21.079
I must know. Do you love me or not?
535
00:23:21.119 --> 00:23:22.200
Of course I love you.
536
00:23:22.259 --> 00:23:23.279
You're lying, Ronald.
537
00:23:23.359 --> 00:23:24.720
Lying. Very well, then I'm lying.
538
00:23:25.019 --> 00:23:27.109
Gee. You might as well know the truth, Gwen. I've
539
00:23:27.140 --> 00:23:29.990
never loved you. Never. I must be nuts. And if
540
00:23:30.029 --> 00:23:30.569
you weren't so.
541
00:23:31.549 --> 00:23:33.250
If you weren't so stupid, you'd have known it a
542
00:23:33.250 --> 00:23:33.890
long time ago.
543
00:23:33.910 --> 00:23:35.950
Ronald, Ronald, what are you saying?
544
00:23:35.970 --> 00:23:40.170
Hey, wait. I married you for your money, that's all.
545
00:23:40.230 --> 00:23:42.750
Everybody else knows it. And if you weren't such a silly,
546
00:23:42.789 --> 00:23:44.490
blind little fool, you'd have realized it yourself.
547
00:23:44.509 --> 00:23:45.509
Well, stop, Ronald, stop.
548
00:23:45.529 --> 00:23:47.390
Well, now that you know how things stand between us,
549
00:23:47.410 --> 00:23:49.170
the sooner you divorce me, the happier I'll be.
550
00:23:49.190 --> 00:23:51.230
No, no, I will never divorce you, Ronald. I couldn't
551
00:23:51.259 --> 00:23:51.880
live without you.
552
00:23:51.910 --> 00:23:55.319
I couldn't, I couldn't. Tears, tears, woman's tears. Oh, stop
553
00:23:55.359 --> 00:23:55.980
the dramatic.
554
00:23:56.039 --> 00:23:56.339
Ronald.
555
00:23:56.380 --> 00:23:57.240
I'm moving to my club.
556
00:23:58.799 --> 00:24:00.839
Medley, pack my clothes.
557
00:24:01.970 --> 00:24:37.630
I wouldn't touch your dirty....
558
00:24:17.230 --> 00:24:19.049
You rat!
559
00:24:19.089 --> 00:24:19.349
Jerk!
560
00:24:19.529 --> 00:24:19.869
Jerk!
561
00:24:20.410 --> 00:24:21.400
Stick to your lines.
562
00:24:21.900 --> 00:24:22.539
You are the book.
563
00:24:22.680 --> 00:24:23.339
I don't care.
564
00:24:24.190 --> 00:24:25.809
Continue, Bezos. Well, goodbye, Gwen.
565
00:24:25.829 --> 00:24:28.130
I'm going to my club. Our attorneys can get together tomorrow.
566
00:24:28.190 --> 00:24:28.930
Don't go, Ronald.
567
00:24:28.990 --> 00:24:29.859
Please don't go.
568
00:24:29.880 --> 00:24:30.839
Oh, stop hanging on to me.
569
00:24:30.880 --> 00:24:31.839
But I won't give you up.
570
00:24:31.940 --> 00:24:32.319
I won't.
571
00:24:32.440 --> 00:24:32.839
I won't.
572
00:24:32.859 --> 00:24:33.480
Stop it, I say.
573
00:24:33.500 --> 00:24:33.799
Stop it.
574
00:24:33.819 --> 00:24:34.500
Let go of me.
575
00:24:34.519 --> 00:24:34.980
No, no.
576
00:24:35.000 --> 00:24:35.700
Then take that.
577
00:24:37.119 --> 00:24:39.529
That's the last straw. Stay off your coat, rat bone.
578
00:24:41.569 --> 00:24:42.789
Jack, this is only a play.
579
00:24:42.809 --> 00:24:44.369
Play nothing. Put up those dukes, Basil.
580
00:24:44.650 --> 00:24:46.630
Jack, if you don't behave yourself, you can't be.
581
00:24:46.529 --> 00:24:46.950
In the play.
582
00:24:46.970 --> 00:24:47.730
The heck with the play.
583
00:24:47.789 --> 00:24:49.089
If you think I'm going to stand by and see
584
00:24:49.109 --> 00:24:50.950
this cab strike the woman I love.
585
00:24:51.190 --> 00:24:52.230
The woman you love?
586
00:24:52.250 --> 00:24:54.049
Yes, Barbara. You might as well know it now.
587
00:24:54.349 --> 00:24:57.210
I've been crazy about you for years. Jack, please. I
588
00:24:57.230 --> 00:24:58.630
don't care who knows it. I don't care if the
589
00:24:58.670 --> 00:25:00.730
whole world knows it. I love you, Barbara, as I've
590
00:25:00.779 --> 00:25:02.720
never loved before. I know you will never feel the
591
00:25:02.740 --> 00:25:04.200
same way about me, so I'll walk out of your
592
00:25:04.220 --> 00:25:30.819
life forever. But before I go, kiss me. Goodbye, my love. Wow.
593
00:25:31.740 --> 00:25:34.500
Now I know why they call him the Waukegan Wolf.
594
00:25:52.769 --> 00:25:55.170
And so down comes the curtain on Ham for Sale,
595
00:25:55.190 --> 00:25:59.079
the riotous radio farce starring Jack Benny, Gene Herschel, Barbara Stanwyck,
596
00:25:59.099 --> 00:26:03.039
Basil Rathbone, and Michael Curtiz. Next week, Frontline Theater will
597
00:26:03.059 --> 00:26:05.960
again present another play. And each week thereafter, we'll offer
598
00:26:05.980 --> 00:26:09.299
your favorite stars all the great names of stage, screen,
599
00:26:09.380 --> 00:26:13.319
and radio in the dramas, musicals, mysteries, comedies, and romances
600
00:26:13.380 --> 00:26:15.900
you want to hear. If you have any special play
601
00:26:15.940 --> 00:26:18.940
you want enacted, just drop a line to Frontline Theater,
602
00:26:19.400 --> 00:26:21.880
Armed Forces Radio, Los Angeles, USA.
603
00:26:24.920 --> 00:26:28.390
The Jack Benny program has concluded with Ham for Sale.
604
00:26:28.690 --> 00:26:32.049
Good evening, and thank you for sharing this broadcast. Follow
605
00:26:32.170 --> 00:26:35.839
Old Time Comedy Radio for more classic comedy broadcasts.