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Polk spent years trying to get somebody to understand something
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that I never actually told him. I hinted at it.
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I danced around it. I tried to steer him toward it.
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And when none of that worked, I became increasingly frustrated
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that he wasn't getting the message. There was just one problem.
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I hadn't really given him the message. Sometimes the conversation
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we're avoiding isn't getting easier with time. It's just getting
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more expensive.
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This is Your Morning Boost, recorded in the Forward Ed
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Network studios. A weekly spark for educators and school leaders
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ready to lead, teach, and live with greater intention. This
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is Your Morning Boost.
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This was quite a few years ago. I was still
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relatively new in leadership, and I was working with a
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coach who was really good at what he did. It
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was a very successful program led by a very successful coach,
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well-respected in the community. I mean, he did everything you
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wanted him to do. His kids worked hard. The program
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mattered to him. It was a program we were very,
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very proud of. And honestly, those things probably made the
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conversation a little harder for me. Because this wasn't somebody
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who was failing. There wasn't some glaring performance problem where
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everybody could look at the situation and say, well, obviously
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somebody needs to address this. I mean, he was very successful.
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The problem was that he tended to look at decisions
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through the lens of what was best for his program.
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And I don't mean that as an insult. That's what
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coaches do naturally. You invest enormous amounts of yourself into
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building something, so naturally you want to protect it. But
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we were beginning to see some consequences outside of his program.
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Some of the decisions that were being made were good
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for his roster, but they were affecting participation in other
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sports and activities. And from where I sat, I had
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the responsibility to think about the entire activities program, not
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one season or one team. the whole thing. So I
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could see the problem. I just wasn't very good at
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telling him there was a problem. Instead, I tried to
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do it with little subtle hints. I'd make comments about
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being a team, or I'd talk generally about supporting other programs,
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find opportunities to mention our multi-sport participation or kids who
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are in speech and plays and in in music and
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in band and in all the activities, took all of
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those opportunities to mention these and make these little comments.
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I thought these were pretty obvious, at least they were
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obvious to me. But because I knew what I meant,
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he didn't. And so this went on for a long time, years, actually.
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And every once in a while, something would happen that
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reinforced my concern. I'd see another participation number that's declining
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or another roster that Like, boy, that kiddo really should
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be out there. Another decision that I thought was contributing
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to the issue, and I would think, how does he
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not see this? I hear him talk about wanting our
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entire program to succeed. Well, he didn't see it because
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I hadn't shown it to him. That's the part I
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understand very differently now. I was waiting for him to
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infer something I was unwilling to say clearly. And I
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think leaders do this all of the time. We call
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it giving somebody time. We call it hoping they'll figure
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it out. Or we're telling ourselves we're trying not to
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overreact to a situation. Sometimes we might even convince ourselves
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that we're preserving the relationship here. But the reality is
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we're dropping hints and hoping another adult will assemble them
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into the exact message that we have in our heads.
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And then we get frustrated when they don't. Eventually, I
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finally had the conversation. I don't remember every word of it.
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I do remember that by then I had some numbers.
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I could show him what I was seeing, but this wasn't,
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I don't like how you're doing this. It was more, hey,
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here's what's happening. Here's what I'm seeing in participation. Here's
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how some of the decisions are affecting programs outside of yours.
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And once we actually had the conversation, He understood exactly
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what I meant. Here's something I had lost sight of
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while I was busy avoiding this conversation. He cared about
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the school. Like I said, he wanted the entire school,
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all of our programs to be successful. He was really
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proud of what we were building. He didn't wake up
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every morning trying to hurt somebody else's program. He was
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making decisions based on the information and the perspective that
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he had in the moment. I had all of the
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information that he didn't have. That's when it really hit me.
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He was an adult. He was an intelligent person. He
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could handle the truth. I just needed to give him
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the truth. I wish I could tell you that I
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learned that lesson immediately, but I'm not sure that leadership
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actually works that way. I mean, usually we have to
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make slightly different versions of the same mistakes a few
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times before we finally recognize the pattern. But I've thought
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about that coach a lot over the years because the
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conversation I was avoiding, it wasn't particularly complicated. It wasn't cruel.
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It wasn't some devastating piece of feedback. It was just uncomfortable.
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And I think I confused those things. Sometimes the conversation
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we're avoiding isn't difficult because the other person can't handle it.
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It's difficult because we don't want to experience the discomfort
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of having it. That's a much less flattering explanation, but
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at least for me, it's often been the more accurate one.
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Avoidance has a cost. That's the part I don't think
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I understood early enough in my career. When I avoided
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that conversation with this coach, the issue didn't sit patiently
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on the shelf waiting for me to get back to it.
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Decisions kept getting made.
participation continued to be affected and
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I continued to get frustrated and maybe more importantly I
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was allowing myself to develop a story about this person
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that wasn't entirely fair I mean I was starting to
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think he only cares about his own program or he
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doesn't understand the big picture why can't he see what
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this is doing I mean these Thoughts become really easy
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when we're frustrated with somebody. But look at what I
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was asking him to do. I wanted him to understand
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the bigger picture without showing him the bigger picture. That's
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on me. And there's a relational cost to this, too.
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Because when we avoid a needed conversation, our frustration usually
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doesn't disappear. It will leak. Maybe your tone changes a
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little bit, might become shorter with somebody. We stop asking
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for their input. Or maybe we start interpreting everything they
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do through the problem that we just haven't addressed. And meanwhile,
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the other person may have absolutely no idea why the
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relationship feels different. Think about how unfair that is. I'm
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holding you accountable in my head for a conversation that
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I've never had with you? That's not patience. It's not kindness.
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It's certainly not clarity. Sometimes the kindest thing we can
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do is tell another adult the truth while the problem
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is still small enough to actually solve it.
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This segment is sponsored by Grunmeier Leader Services. Since 2013,
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one leader at a time.
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I want to put some guardrails around this conversation because
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I am not saying that every irritation deserves a confrontation. Frankly,
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that would be exhausting. People are going to annoy each other.
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We're adults. We have different styles. We misunderstand things. Sometimes
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something bothers me on Tuesday, and by Thursday I realize
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it really wasn't that important. Not every frustration needs a meeting,
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but I do think that there's a useful question here.
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Is this getting better without the conversation? If the answer
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is yes, okay, then give it some room. But if
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you've been thinking about the same issue for weeks, if
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you're adjusting yourself around it, If other people are beginning
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to experience the consequences, then waiting probably isn't neutral anymore.
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We're paying for this delay. I hate to tell you,
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the price is only going to go up. Think about
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a staff member who's missing an expectation. The first conversation
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might be, hey, I noticed this. Let's make sure we're
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clear about what needs to happen. Avoid it long enough,
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and now maybe you're dealing with a pattern. Maybe other
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staff have noticed. Maybe students are affected. Maybe resentment has developed.
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The conversation you eventually have now is much bigger than
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the conversation you could have had three weeks ago. Think
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about the tension between two people on a team. Early on,
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probably it's some sort of a misunderstanding. Leave it alone
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long enough and people start choosing sides. Now we're not
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solving one misunderstanding. Now we're trying to repair a relationship,
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maybe several relationships. Problems accumulate interest. Eventually, we'll have to
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pay it. I also think we need to be careful
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about the stories we tell ourselves when we avoid these conversations.
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One of mine has always been, I'm trying to preserve
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the relationship. In my head, that sounds really noble. And
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sometimes it might actually be true. But I've learned to
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ask myself, am I protecting the relationship? Or am I
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protecting myself from an uncomfortable moment? Those can look
remarkably
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similar from the outside. If I genuinely care about the relationship,
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clarity is usually part of that. Brene Brown, clear as kind.
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Not brutality. Not unloading every frustration I've accumulated for six
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months in a verbal vomit right at you. Not walking
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into the room determined to prove that I am right.
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I'm talking about clarity. Here's what I'm seeing. Here's why
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I'm concerned. Here's the impact I think it's having. And
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then I need to listen. The conversation isn't just my
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opportunity to finally tell somebody what I've been thinking. It's
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also my opportunity to discover what I don't know. That's
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what happened with this coach. Once we stopped communicating through
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hints and started communicating directly, I got to understand his
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perspective too. The conversation wasn't the end of the relationship.
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In fact, it made a more honest relationship possible. And
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maybe that's another reason these conversations get more expensive. The
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longer we wait, the more evidence we collect. Not necessarily
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objective evidence either, but evidence for the story that we've
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already started telling ourselves. Every new incident becomes, see, there
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it is again. And by the time we finally talk,
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we may not be walking into the conversation curious anymore.
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We've already prosecuted the case in our own head. I've
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reached the verdict. Now I'm just inviting that other person
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in for their sentence. That is a terrible way to
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begin a conversation that we want to go well. Earlier
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is often easier because there's still room for curiosity. Here's
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what I'm seeing. Am I reading this correctly? Help me
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understand what I'm missing. Or maybe here's the impact I'm
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concerned about. What are you seeing? That's a very different
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conversation than the one we have after six months of
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silent frustration. So think about the conversation you already know
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that you need to have. I guarantee you there's one there.
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There's one there for every leader. And I'm guessing for
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a lot of leaders, you know exactly which one I'm
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talking about. You probably have thought about the person before
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I even finished the sentence. Maybe you've been waiting for
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the right time or hoping the problem resolves itself. Maybe,
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like me, you've tried to drop a few hints. Or
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you've convinced yourself that you've given the person grace. And
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maybe you really are. But ask yourself, is this getting
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better without the conversation? And if it isn't, what is
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waiting costing you? What is it costing the other person?
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Or what is it costing the team? What story are
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you beginning to tell yourself because you haven't heard theirs?
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The lesson that coach taught me wasn't that I needed
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to become more confrontational. That wasn't it at all. It
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was much simpler. He was an adult. He was an
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intelligent person who could handle the truth. I just needed
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to give him the truth. So maybe this week, have
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the conversation while it's still the smaller version of that conversation.
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That's something worth thinking about this week. Thanks for joining
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me here today on Your Morning Boost. We'll see you
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next time here on the Forward Ed Network. Have a
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great week, everybody.
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That's your morning boost from AWB Education and Media. If
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this episode helped you reset your thinking or take your
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next step forward, share it with a colleague. And don't
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forget to subscribe so your next boost is ready when
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you need it. Keep showing up with intention. Keep moving forward,
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and we'll see you next time.