The Things We Do... - Interview with Leah Rasmussen의 전체 녹취록

YouTube and I've just been debating it a lot because it 73 00:04:27,240 --> 00:04:33,480 did become a little toxic with a lot of the comments and the weird creepy DMs that I would 74 00:04:33,480 --> 00:04:35,800 get from things like that. 75 00:04:35,800 --> 00:04:39,880 And I was like, I just is this even worth it anymore? 76 00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:44,760 But I uploaded the other day my first short that I ever made and I uploaded that to my 77 00:04:44,760 --> 00:04:49,600 YouTube to be like, this is probably where I want the direction of my YouTube to go to. 78 00:04:49,600 --> 00:04:50,920 I want it to just be me. 79 00:04:50,920 --> 00:04:53,400 I don't want it to just strictly be reactions anymore. 80 00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:57,160 I just want it to be like a place where I show it's my creative outlet. 81 00:04:57,160 --> 00:04:59,040 And that's what I want to do it for. 82 00:04:59,040 --> 00:05:01,440 Yeah, which I think I think is more prominent as well. 83 00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:06,840 And it is interesting because yeah, I feel like isn't that the way of YouTube where you 84 00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:14,520 just become the nerdy girl who reacts to the creepy DMs being the go to. 85 00:05:14,520 --> 00:05:17,680 Did that make you feel kind of gross? 86 00:05:17,680 --> 00:05:18,680 It did. 87 00:05:18,680 --> 00:05:19,680 Yeah, definitely. 88 00:05:19,680 --> 00:05:24,940 I just stopped reading the comments after like a year or so I was like, it started out 89 00:05:24,940 --> 00:05:25,940 okay ish. 90 00:05:25,940 --> 00:05:26,940 Yeah. 91 00:05:26,940 --> 00:05:29,380 I mean, Captain Marvel was never met with much love. 92 00:05:29,380 --> 00:05:33,240 And so I would get a lot of like, oh, she's overreacting. 93 00:05:33,240 --> 00:05:34,240 No one can. 94 00:05:34,240 --> 00:05:37,760 I almost cried in the first trailer because Captain Marvel meant something to me as a 95 00:05:37,760 --> 00:05:38,760 kid. 96 00:05:38,760 --> 00:05:43,040 And I was very, very excited for her movie. 97 00:05:43,040 --> 00:05:48,760 And they marketed I mean, this was the first female like Marvel film like female led and 98 00:05:48,760 --> 00:05:53,240 I was very, very excited and I come from a military background. 99 00:05:53,240 --> 00:05:57,840 I wanted to do in the Air Force at one point it was because of her. 100 00:05:57,840 --> 00:06:01,240 So it was it meant a lot. 101 00:06:01,240 --> 00:06:05,800 And but then it started to like the comments got a little better and they were just like, 102 00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:08,280 Wow, I love these reactions love how you're like straight to the point. 103 00:06:08,280 --> 00:06:15,000 But then it did get it just got they were they were fetishizing and like, I would dye 104 00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:18,280 my hair and they'd be like, Where's the blonde? 105 00:06:18,280 --> 00:06:19,280 What happened to the blonde? 106 00:06:19,280 --> 00:06:20,280 You're I'm done. 107 00:06:20,280 --> 00:06:21,480 I'm not subscribing anymore. 108 00:06:21,480 --> 00:06:22,480 You're not blonde anymore. 109 00:06:22,480 --> 00:06:23,480 I'm like, Oh, okay. 110 00:06:23,480 --> 00:06:27,500 It was just like and then it would get a little weirder. 111 00:06:27,500 --> 00:06:32,520 And then they'd find my Instagram and then they'd like send DMS in there and I'm like, 112 00:06:32,520 --> 00:06:35,280 I just I stopped reading them after a while. 113 00:06:35,280 --> 00:06:41,080 As soon as I uploaded my video, I exited YouTube and didn't look at him again. 114 00:06:41,080 --> 00:06:42,600 That's entirely fair. 115 00:06:42,600 --> 00:06:49,400 And I mean, like, you know, I think quite a prominent time before even like even pre 116 00:06:49,400 --> 00:06:55,200 covered to now versus like, you know, I feel like a little bit of people are a little bit 117 00:06:55,200 --> 00:07:00,260 more respectful in the DMS than they used to be where it's like you get less and less 118 00:07:00,260 --> 00:07:04,320 creepy creepy people on the internet just going you're hot. 119 00:07:04,320 --> 00:07:05,320 You're you're sexy. 120 00:07:05,320 --> 00:07:06,320 Oh, yeah. 121 00:07:06,320 --> 00:07:13,240 And I think it's really weird because it's like, you know, isn't that the the way of 122 00:07:13,240 --> 00:07:23,780 just if you're a nerdy girl that automatically, you know, the comment section just floods 123 00:07:23,780 --> 00:07:26,160 with that kind of like negative connotation. 124 00:07:26,160 --> 00:07:33,440 Yes, always, because it's either met with weird fetishization or it's oh, well, you're 125 00:07:33,440 --> 00:07:34,440 a girl. 126 00:07:34,440 --> 00:07:36,440 You actually don't know anything that you're talking about. 127 00:07:36,440 --> 00:07:37,440 Yeah. 128 00:07:37,440 --> 00:07:40,080 And it's like, OK, sure. 129 00:07:40,080 --> 00:07:41,080 Go ahead. 130 00:07:41,080 --> 00:07:43,960 Tell me that is like I bet you don't even read the comments or the comics. 131 00:07:43,960 --> 00:07:51,560 And I'm like, I could show you my Spider-Man collection if that would make you happy. 132 00:07:51,560 --> 00:07:59,600 But no, they would you know, there's always in that it's always hard in that fandom, anything 133 00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:05,520 like superhero wise, it was always like the men who felt like, you know, they had that 134 00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:09,560 was theirs that couldn't be taken away from them by females. 135 00:08:09,560 --> 00:08:19,360 I think this the two most toxic fandoms online has got to be like Spider-Man fans and Star 136 00:08:19,360 --> 00:08:20,360 Wars fans. 137 00:08:20,360 --> 00:08:21,360 Yeah. 138 00:08:21,360 --> 00:08:22,880 They're they're they're ruthless. 139 00:08:22,880 --> 00:08:25,200 They're sometimes sexist and racist. 140 00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:29,280 So it's it's not it's not fun to be on that side. 141 00:08:29,280 --> 00:08:30,600 It's also like Batman fans. 142 00:08:30,600 --> 00:08:32,960 I find like anyone is a

Batman fan. 143 00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:33,960 Yeah. 144 00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:38,720 Because I am under the belief that as much as like and I had this firmly when I saw The 145 00:08:38,720 --> 00:08:42,280 Dark Knight, I remember I was like, that is a fine film. 146 00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:44,240 Like it's a it's a fine film. 147 00:08:44,240 --> 00:08:45,920 The thing that makes it is Heath Ledger. 148 00:08:45,920 --> 00:08:46,920 Yes. 149 00:08:46,920 --> 00:08:52,280 The reason that everyone praised it was he passed away not that long after. 150 00:08:52,280 --> 00:08:57,920 And that was why it stayed in the public consciousness because they were like, well, he died. 151 00:08:57,920 --> 00:09:02,760 And I remember saying to one of my friends, I was like, I reckon if he had never died, 152 00:09:02,760 --> 00:09:07,280 everyone would have just been like, that's a good role, but he's done better since. 153 00:09:07,280 --> 00:09:12,480 And like, this friend of mine absolutely did not want to hear that. 154 00:09:12,480 --> 00:09:13,960 And they got so mad at me. 155 00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:15,920 And I was like, how? 156 00:09:15,920 --> 00:09:20,360 Like, you know, this is like the point of being an actor is you are always going to 157 00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:22,400 do a better project later. 158 00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:28,360 But The Dark Knight, I remember particularly because I was like, I just I watched it once 159 00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:30,760 and I was like, I've watched better superhero films. 160 00:09:30,760 --> 00:09:35,320 I'm like, I was like, I'm seeing better. 161 00:09:35,320 --> 00:09:41,560 And I was I was just met with such like, you don't know filmmaking, you don't know, like 162 00:09:41,560 --> 00:09:43,720 you don't understand good quality films. 163 00:09:43,720 --> 00:09:46,800 Like, you're an idiot, you don't know what you're talking about. 164 00:09:46,800 --> 00:09:48,280 And I was like, really? 165 00:09:48,280 --> 00:09:49,720 Is that what I met with? 166 00:09:49,720 --> 00:09:54,120 If I don't like something that toxic, like you're it's like, you're not allowed to have 167 00:09:54,120 --> 00:10:00,480 an opinion because in my opinion, out of those, I like I love Nolan and but out of those three 168 00:10:00,480 --> 00:10:02,560 Batman Begins is my favorite. 169 00:10:02,560 --> 00:10:07,560 Like I love Batman Begins and Dark Knight is the next one that I love. 170 00:10:07,560 --> 00:10:09,120 But again, I tell this to everyone. 171 00:10:09,120 --> 00:10:14,160 I said it I wouldn't have loved it if it wasn't Heath Ledger Joker. 172 00:10:14,160 --> 00:10:18,480 Like I feel like if I took that out, I would have liked the movie, but I definitely would 173 00:10:18,480 --> 00:10:20,360 not have loved the movie. 174 00:10:20,360 --> 00:10:23,800 And so I was like, Heath makes that movie for me. 175 00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:28,640 But that's not why you know, Batman Begins is still a better movie to me. 176 00:10:28,640 --> 00:10:29,640 Yeah. 177 00:10:29,640 --> 00:10:34,600 And that's met with a lot of like, it's like, oh, okay, because every single movie that 178 00:10:34,600 --> 00:10:41,240 has come out in the past, like few years is always compared to Dark Knight. 179 00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:44,840 It's always like, oh, this is the new Dark Knight of the and this is compared to Dark 180 00:10:44,840 --> 00:10:45,840 Knight. 181 00:10:45,840 --> 00:10:50,400 And it's like, why are we still using that movie as a comparison? 182 00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:52,600 It's just like that was great for its time. 183 00:10:52,600 --> 00:10:57,200 But also, why is every single thing met with comparison to the Dark Knight? 184 00:10:57,200 --> 00:10:58,200 Yeah, I don't know. 185 00:10:58,200 --> 00:11:01,080 I'm more of a Superman fan than a Batman fan. 186 00:11:01,080 --> 00:11:05,640 But I still think those three are pretty great. 187 00:11:05,640 --> 00:11:08,160 Yeah, I find it really interesting as well. 188 00:11:08,160 --> 00:11:17,360 And I guess I guess from the perspective of like, growing up and being in such niche fandoms, 189 00:11:17,360 --> 00:11:21,880 like growing up, I loved Doctor Who, I loved Stargate, I loved all these sort of random 190 00:11:21,880 --> 00:11:24,640 shows that people had never watched in my friend groups. 191 00:11:24,640 --> 00:11:27,760 They were like, these shows are like for our parents. 192 00:11:27,760 --> 00:11:29,600 Why the fuck would we watch them? 193 00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:32,800 I was like, because they're great content. 194 00:11:32,800 --> 00:11:37,720 Yeah, you just knew you knew ahead of you ahead of their time. 195 00:11:37,720 --> 00:11:38,720 Yeah. 196 00:11:38,720 --> 00:11:45,520 And I think it was like, you know, the the factor is now because of the populist consciousness, 197 00:11:45,520 --> 00:11:51,120 and because of like, mass media and like growing and everything, people think they're entitled 198 00:11:51,120 --> 00:11:55,360 to how things shape and how things go. 199 00:11:55,360 --> 00:12:04,680 And I think that's where we go wrong in fandom, because you have no like control over like, 200 00:12:04,680 --> 00:12:06,240 where the money goes, unfortunately. 201 00:12:06,240 --> 00:12:10,160 And I mean, like, everything's conglomerate, or I was like, everything's owned by Disney 202 00:12:10,160 --> 00:12:11,360 now. 203 00:12:11,360 --> 00:12:15,800 Everything's owned by like, you know, Sony, like, those are the big properties. 204 00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:20,440 And you you, you see the the factor is now it's all business. 205 00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:26,960 It's never, you know, it's never making a film for the passion anymore, which is what 206 00:12:26,960 --> 00:12:32,920 like, you know, Marvel and you know, even 1989 Batman did, you know, they made it for 207 00:12:32,920 --> 00:12:36,200 passion rather than profit. 208 00:12:36,200 --> 00:12:41,840 And you suddenly go the moment profits

in it, the whole product just goes and does a 209 00:12:41,840 --> 00:12:44,360 180 and just goes, here's how great it is. 210 00:12:44,360 --> 00:12:46,760 And you're like, it's not a story. 211 00:12:46,760 --> 00:12:47,760 Yep. 212 00:12:47,760 --> 00:12:51,040 It's like the minute they're like, oh, this makes a billion. 213 00:12:51,040 --> 00:12:52,840 But this is what we're going to do. 214 00:12:52,840 --> 00:12:54,160 We're going to pump it out fast. 215 00:12:54,160 --> 00:12:56,200 But we're just we're not going to give a lot of care into it. 216 00:12:56,200 --> 00:12:57,800 We just know what's going to make us money. 217 00:12:57,800 --> 00:12:58,960 And we'll give it that. 218 00:12:58,960 --> 00:12:59,960 Yeah. 219 00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:04,880 I mean, like, you know, and I think, did you particularly growing up in North Dakota 220 00:13:04,880 --> 00:13:09,360 and growing up in a military family, were you kind of the old kid out? 221 00:13:09,360 --> 00:13:12,360 Was that being the nerdy kid? 222 00:13:12,360 --> 00:13:14,400 It was. 223 00:13:14,400 --> 00:13:17,320 It was a little, a little bit of both. 224 00:13:17,320 --> 00:13:21,840 So in middle school, so I moved around a lot to like start it all. 225 00:13:21,840 --> 00:13:28,120 I was 10 when Iron Man 1 came out and I saw that in a drive in theater. 226 00:13:28,120 --> 00:13:30,240 And I remember really, really liking that movie. 227 00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:35,160 Like that was I love saying that I was like, yeah, I was there since day one. 228 00:13:35,160 --> 00:13:37,640 I've been there since the beginning. 229 00:13:37,640 --> 00:13:43,280 But I didn't really fall in love with specifically Marvel until 2012 and like the Avengers came 230 00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:44,280 out. 231 00:13:44,280 --> 00:13:45,280 Yeah. 232 00:13:45,280 --> 00:13:51,960 So in 2013, I was back in North Dakota, kind of starting my high school year, and I had 233 00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:53,800 gone along loving superheroes. 234 00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:55,520 Smallville is my all time favorite show. 235 00:13:55,520 --> 00:14:02,240 So like, like that was to me, you know, Superman was my first and then, you know, Toby McGuire's 236 00:14:02,240 --> 00:14:06,060 movies, my Spider-Man, and then finally, like Marvel, everything just kind of like came 237 00:14:06,060 --> 00:14:07,920 together over the years. 238 00:14:07,920 --> 00:14:13,840 And I wouldn't say that I was necessarily like left out. 239 00:14:13,840 --> 00:14:19,560 I will say I was looked at weird because I was the girl who wanted a Spider-Man backpack, 240 00:14:19,560 --> 00:14:24,480 or my brother would get all the Superman and the Spider-Man and all those kind of toys, 241 00:14:24,480 --> 00:14:27,160 but I didn't. 242 00:14:27,160 --> 00:14:33,720 And I did find in high school, I had like two different friend groups. 243 00:14:33,720 --> 00:14:35,480 One was like, it's North Dakota. 244 00:14:35,480 --> 00:14:40,760 So it was a very redneck farmers like that kind of cowgirl boots group. 245 00:14:40,760 --> 00:14:45,400 And then the other group was my like nerdy guy friends, who we all see the Marvel movies 246 00:14:45,400 --> 00:14:47,320 together every weekend. 247 00:14:47,320 --> 00:14:50,840 We'd see a lot of movies together, but they were the ones who I would sit with and like 248 00:14:50,840 --> 00:14:55,720 have deep conversations with like theories and things like that over these Marvel movies. 249 00:14:55,720 --> 00:15:02,220 So that was nice to have, just to have someone to talk to about those things. 250 00:15:02,220 --> 00:15:06,000 So I wouldn't necessarily it was, I wasn't left out. 251 00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:12,840 I was just always like, I felt like if I was a boy, my love for them would be a little 252 00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:14,080 bit more accepting. 253 00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:18,520 But I will be thankful for like the guys that I did have in high school who like I was able 254 00:15:18,520 --> 00:15:20,240 to talk about them with. 255 00:15:20,240 --> 00:15:24,720 However, I only talked to like one friend from high school now. 256 00:15:24,720 --> 00:15:27,400 Like I don't talk to anybody else from high school. 257 00:15:27,400 --> 00:15:31,920 I have like one friend that I occasionally like text every once in a while. 258 00:15:31,920 --> 00:15:35,140 And he's still like my Marvel buddy that I talked to things with. 259 00:15:35,140 --> 00:15:38,000 And so it's always it's nice to have that. 260 00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:42,720 But it was when I think I started to get into it was when I started to get into like Tom 261 00:15:42,720 --> 00:15:47,480 Holland and now I'm 19 years old going to college and like I'm really into Spider-Man 262 00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:48,480 right now. 263 00:15:48,480 --> 00:15:50,760 And I want to I'm out of high school. 264 00:15:50,760 --> 00:15:53,720 So I don't have all these guys like these friends to talk about this with. 265 00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:58,480 I need to talk about this with someone because my family is fed up with me. 266 00:15:58,480 --> 00:16:01,120 Like by this point and all my talking about it. 267 00:16:01,120 --> 00:16:08,480 So I I created like an Instagram account where that started literally everything for me. 268 00:16:08,480 --> 00:16:13,200 That starting this Instagram account actually like changed my future. 269 00:16:13,200 --> 00:16:14,200 Which is fantastic. 270 00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:15,200 Yeah. 271 00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:16,840 It has like opened so many doors. 272 00:16:16,840 --> 00:16:19,040 It's the reason I'm here in New York City right now. 273 00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:27,520 So yeah, I started that so that I had a platform where I could just post whatever I wanted 274 00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:32,400 about like and no care in the world because I was able to find people online who also 275 00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:33,960 want to talk about the things I loved. 276 00:16:33,960 -->

00:16:39,560 Because it sounds a little bit also like there was a sense that it was quite lonely. 277 00:16:39,560 --> 00:16:40,680 Yeah, it was. 278 00:16:40,680 --> 00:16:41,680 It was. 279 00:16:41,680 --> 00:16:42,680 That's where it started again. 280 00:16:42,680 --> 00:16:47,200 I started to like I annoyed my grandma so much when I lived with her because I just 281 00:16:47,200 --> 00:16:50,160 like she was the one person I like talked to a lot. 282 00:16:50,160 --> 00:16:52,080 And I try really hard. 283 00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:54,400 She tried so hard to get into superheroes for me. 284 00:16:54,400 --> 00:16:55,400 It was so cute. 285 00:16:55,400 --> 00:16:58,200 She'd be like, what's that, what's that one witchy girl's name? 286 00:16:58,200 --> 00:16:59,680 The one with the red hands. 287 00:16:59,680 --> 00:17:01,560 I'm like, you mean Scarlet Witch? 288 00:17:01,560 --> 00:17:02,560 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 289 00:17:02,560 --> 00:17:03,560 I like her. 290 00:17:03,560 --> 00:17:06,000 And it was just cute. 291 00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:11,960 But at one point, you know, it's like I need I just can't keep like burdening my grandma 292 00:17:11,960 --> 00:17:14,440 with all this stuff. 293 00:17:14,440 --> 00:17:19,280 And I had like I had my brother who was able to talk to a few times about these things, 294 00:17:19,280 --> 00:17:26,120 but it's very like you know how you have like locals who love superhero movies, but then 295 00:17:26,120 --> 00:17:31,880 you have the deep like theorists and the ones that deep dive into the online. 296 00:17:31,880 --> 00:17:36,240 Like I got to know everything about this movie and all the in like all the details. 297 00:17:36,240 --> 00:17:42,600 Yeah, it's like I couldn't really go into deep conversations with anybody because they'd 298 00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:45,040 be like, oh, I mean, yeah, sure, I guess. 299 00:17:45,040 --> 00:17:47,640 I was like, you guys just don't get it. 300 00:17:47,640 --> 00:17:52,000 Because then when you find those people online, I was like, oh, my God, yeah, I can actually 301 00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:57,800 like talk to you guys and have a like deep conversation about all these things. 302 00:17:57,800 --> 00:18:02,480 Yeah, yeah, it's it's very like it's very free and very eye opening. 303 00:18:02,480 --> 00:18:06,520 I think it's like, you know, because I'm like you, I talked to maybe one person from high 304 00:18:06,520 --> 00:18:12,480 school, which you know, like, I've known him since I was like five. 305 00:18:12,480 --> 00:18:15,600 So he's like essentially like an old family friend. 306 00:18:15,600 --> 00:18:21,040 Like, you know, it's really interesting because a lot of the friends that I have now, it's 307 00:18:21,040 --> 00:18:26,200 really interesting because I always like feel that I do have some friends who nerd out like 308 00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:33,040 on superhero films on like, you know, I have two friends who I talk to a lot about like 309 00:18:33,040 --> 00:18:36,760 Marvel and what they're doing and you know, like in terms of comic book storylines that 310 00:18:36,760 --> 00:18:39,760 they're going to adapt. 311 00:18:39,760 --> 00:18:42,780 And I have a couple of friends who I talked to about Doctor, like I have like little mini 312 00:18:42,780 --> 00:18:51,480 groups that I nerd out with, but it's so interesting because at the same time, I feel like being 313 00:18:51,480 --> 00:18:59,400 a such a deep, deep passionate nerd of something and a passionate lover of something is so 314 00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:04,680 unique and very like specific. 315 00:19:04,680 --> 00:19:09,960 And for like, you know, like I'm in the same, but I was like told to like for a long time 316 00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:16,760 to grow up, like I was doing, I was like sticking, sticking to one thing that I was like really 317 00:19:16,760 --> 00:19:19,160 passionate about this. 318 00:19:19,160 --> 00:19:23,640 Or my favorite was like, oh, people aren't going to want to date nerds. 319 00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:28,480 Like, you know, people don't want to be with like someone who's just obsessed with this, 320 00:19:28,480 --> 00:19:33,120 you know, like they don't want someone with collectibles. 321 00:19:33,120 --> 00:19:38,200 I feel like there was a little bit of a stigma around, but also like the other thing, the 322 00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:43,600 other thing like was that if you were a nerd or something, like I have a lot of female 323 00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:47,160 friends and I think I go quite fortunate because I was able to go and see movies and stuff 324 00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:48,160 with them. 325 00:19:48,160 --> 00:19:51,880 But there was a lot of assumption that we weren't dating, but everyone was like, you 326 00:19:51,880 --> 00:19:55,720 two should date because you're both nerds of this thing. 327 00:19:55,720 --> 00:20:01,960 And that was a constant pressure that was put on by people as well. 328 00:20:01,960 --> 00:20:04,280 Did that happen to you? 329 00:20:04,280 --> 00:20:10,280 I think, I mean, I want to say with that, probably that one guy that I'm still friends 330 00:20:10,280 --> 00:20:13,040 with in high school, it did happen a few times. 331 00:20:13,040 --> 00:20:16,560 It was like, oh, but you guys, you guys are always geeking out together and you guys are 332 00:20:16,560 --> 00:20:18,000 always, you have so much. 333 00:20:18,000 --> 00:20:24,240 I mean, I probably didn't help the case when I asked him out to prom because I wasn't like, 334 00:20:24,240 --> 00:20:26,800 no one was asking me and I didn't want to go alone. 335 00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:29,040 So I asked him cause you know, he was my best friend at the time. 336 00:20:29,040 --> 00:20:30,040 I was just very casual. 337 00:20:30,040 --> 00:20:32,400 I was like, Hey, you want to go to prom? 338 00:20:32,400 --> 00:20:33,400 Cool. 339 00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:40,240 But I never really, just relationships in general was

never the great, like I didn't, 340 00:20:40,240 --> 00:20:46,160 I've only had one boyfriend my entire life and it lasts like four months in high school. 341 00:20:46,160 --> 00:20:50,960 So I don't even really like to count it because guy was a dick and I just, I didn't, I did 342 00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:54,960 not like that situation. 343 00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:59,320 But I guess that guy probably was the only pressure nerd wise, like where it was like, 344 00:20:59,320 --> 00:21:01,120 oh yeah, you guys geek out a lot. 345 00:21:01,120 --> 00:21:05,340 You know, you have a lot in common might as well like date. 346 00:21:05,340 --> 00:21:08,200 And I was like, no, cause I see him as my brother. 347 00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:11,080 It was like, it was kind of weird at that point. 348 00:21:11,080 --> 00:21:14,480 But other than that, no, not really. 349 00:21:14,480 --> 00:21:19,240 I mean, I found, I found like this whole new group, like this whole new set of friends 350 00:21:19,240 --> 00:21:28,000 that I have out here that I, I love, like, I am so, so thankful for finding this group 351 00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:29,640 that I have now. 352 00:21:29,640 --> 00:21:31,360 I'm so blessed. 353 00:21:31,360 --> 00:21:33,220 Oh my God. 354 00:21:33,220 --> 00:21:37,880 We all have so much in common now, like, cause I found the nerd group that is very into comics 355 00:21:37,880 --> 00:21:43,280 and superheroes, but is also super, super heavy, like dreamers of becoming in film, 356 00:21:43,280 --> 00:21:45,120 which is what I want to do. 357 00:21:45,120 --> 00:21:49,840 And everybody else were always, always like this past few months, we've just been on everybody's 358 00:21:49,840 --> 00:21:58,680 set just shooting like someone short or helping someone write this movie and little things 359 00:21:58,680 --> 00:21:59,680 like that. 360 00:21:59,680 --> 00:22:04,660 And, but I, again, back to the whole like relationship thing now, no, no, not too much 361 00:22:04,660 --> 00:22:05,660 pressured other than that. 362 00:22:05,660 --> 00:22:07,160 I'm probably that one guy in high school. 363 00:22:07,160 --> 00:22:08,160 Yeah. 364 00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:13,280 I mean, like, cause, cause I was going to ask, like, how do you view relationships? 365 00:22:13,280 --> 00:22:16,400 Like are they something that you're like, why do people bother? 366 00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:18,920 Or is it something that you've just never been interested in? 367 00:22:18,920 --> 00:22:21,120 Like what are your stances on it? 368 00:22:21,120 --> 00:22:25,600 I am a hopeless romantic, like point blank. 369 00:22:25,600 --> 00:22:32,520 I am that, you know, I am dreaming of Prince Charming all the time. 370 00:22:32,520 --> 00:22:38,440 I had this like obsession with this guy in high school for like four years. 371 00:22:38,440 --> 00:22:40,400 And I had never said a word to him. 372 00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:42,280 I didn't even really know him. 373 00:22:42,280 --> 00:22:44,480 He just, he went to my church. 374 00:22:44,480 --> 00:22:45,480 He was gorgeous. 375 00:22:45,480 --> 00:22:52,120 And I, you know, like knew about him through friends and kind of like knew who he was and 376 00:22:52,120 --> 00:22:53,440 he had a big family. 377 00:22:53,440 --> 00:22:59,480 And I was just like, Oh yeah, that's, I'm going to marry him one day. 378 00:22:59,480 --> 00:23:02,640 And now I'm like, girl, what were you doing? 379 00:23:02,640 --> 00:23:05,080 You wasted four years of your life on this guy. 380 00:23:05,080 --> 00:23:08,160 You never even said a word to. 381 00:23:08,160 --> 00:23:13,240 And so, I mean, there's, there's that I've always, you know, I was that person too, who'd 382 00:23:13,240 --> 00:23:17,520 be like, Oh, you Valentine's day or you romantic movies. 383 00:23:17,520 --> 00:23:18,520 I don't like those. 384 00:23:18,520 --> 00:23:19,520 Those are so unrealistic. 385 00:23:19,520 --> 00:23:26,680 I'm like, no, that's, I am dreaming of my law of my, my, no, my notebook moment. 386 00:23:26,680 --> 00:23:31,000 Like I very much want that in life so bad. 387 00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:37,000 Like I have, I think my perspective of it has changed a little bit because I remember 388 00:23:37,000 --> 00:23:39,720 growing up as a kid and being like, yeah, I want a husband, right? 389 00:23:39,720 --> 00:23:43,440 As soon as like I'm an adult and I want kids immediately. 390 00:23:43,440 --> 00:23:50,120 And then I realized how like I'd be giving up a lot of my life in the beginning. 391 00:23:50,120 --> 00:23:52,080 Cause I was like, I want to get it right after high school. 392 00:23:52,080 --> 00:23:53,080 Yeah. 393 00:23:53,080 --> 00:23:56,840 Now, if I, if I did that, like you mentioned a lot, a long time ago, you were just like, 394 00:23:56,840 --> 00:23:59,480 you know, if you had stayed in North Dakota, would that have been your life? 395 00:23:59,480 --> 00:24:02,720 And I was like, probably because I wouldn't have gotten out. 396 00:24:02,720 --> 00:24:09,560 There's only like a handful of guys around my age that I'd probably be stuck with. 397 00:24:09,560 --> 00:24:17,720 I've been able to say that I lived my twenties in New York here because like I got out and 398 00:24:17,720 --> 00:24:19,080 I'm still searching. 399 00:24:19,080 --> 00:24:24,080 However, I am, I mean, I have love. 400 00:24:24,080 --> 00:24:29,600 I am in love right now, actually is kind of fun to talk about. 401 00:24:29,600 --> 00:24:32,480 I'm very much in love with my best friend right now. 402 00:24:32,480 --> 00:24:37,720 And we have this situationship that's been going on for like a year in like three months 403 00:24:37,720 --> 00:24:38,720 now. 404 00:24:38,720 --> 00:24:46,920 And now when you say situations, it, oh boy, it is, it's messy. 405 00:24:46,920 --> 00:24:50,400 I'll just, that's probably, that's why it's very messy. 406 00:24:50,400 --> 00:24:54,040 And it's very much like there is an ex girlfriend involved. 407

00:24:54,040 --> 00:24:58,400 And I mean, sort of, he doesn't, you know, not, not so much anymore. 408 00:24:58,400 --> 00:25:04,200 Cause he's very much like, he's like, if I could change or if I could, you know, he's 409 00:25:04,200 --> 00:25:07,760 like, I wouldn't look back if it was up to me, he was like, I would not look back right 410 00:25:07,760 --> 00:25:09,280 now and we'd be together. 411 00:25:09,280 --> 00:25:11,480 And I was like, oh, okay. 412 00:25:11,480 --> 00:25:14,080 Um, but we're not. 413 00:25:14,080 --> 00:25:17,800 And it's still, we are, and we aren't, that's, that's what's confusing. 414 00:25:17,800 --> 00:25:21,400 And every time I try to like tell people this, they're like, huh? 415 00:25:21,400 --> 00:25:24,640 It's like, what's, but wait, that's still going on. 416 00:25:24,640 --> 00:25:25,640 What's going on? 417 00:25:25,640 --> 00:25:27,000 I don't understand. 418 00:25:27,000 --> 00:25:34,960 Um, it's just two, two friends who are in love with each other, but are focusing really 419 00:25:34,960 --> 00:25:43,640 hard on our careers right now and not trying to put a label on anything. 420 00:25:43,640 --> 00:25:46,120 And yeah, so that's kind of where we're at. 421 00:25:46,120 --> 00:25:52,920 Cause like right now he's like, he just got me Valentine's gifts and we have like somewhat 422 00:25:52,920 --> 00:25:56,520 of a movie plan idea and I've never had a Valentine's. 423 00:25:56,520 --> 00:25:58,560 I've never been given flowers. 424 00:25:58,560 --> 00:26:04,760 So I was always like, I'm a little skeptical on things like this is like, Oh, I, I, is 425 00:26:04,760 --> 00:26:07,640 this since we're not really a couple, does this really count? 426 00:26:07,640 --> 00:26:11,040 Or like, you know, I think I overthink so much into it. 427 00:26:11,040 --> 00:26:12,040 Yeah. 428 00:26:12,040 --> 00:26:15,040 But it's, it's totally fine. 429 00:26:15,040 --> 00:26:17,720 It's yeah, we're, it's totally fine. 430 00:26:17,720 --> 00:26:26,800 I mean, is this, is this become like a sort of like unlabeled casual friends with benefits 431 00:26:26,800 --> 00:26:33,080 kind of like shtick don't know what to put it on it in a way, but also it's more than 432 00:26:33,080 --> 00:26:35,800 that and it's hard. 433 00:26:35,800 --> 00:26:39,880 That's why it's so hard because we are the way he's like the way I explained it. 434 00:26:39,880 --> 00:26:43,720 And I told him, I was like, we're basically in a relationship with all the benefits, but 435 00:26:43,720 --> 00:26:44,720 none of the responsibility. 436 00:26:44,720 --> 00:26:45,720 Yeah. 437 00:26:45,720 --> 00:26:46,720 And he's like, yeah, I know. 438 00:26:46,720 --> 00:26:48,880 And he's like, I understand. 439 00:26:48,880 --> 00:26:51,440 I totally, I see it that way too. 440 00:26:51,440 --> 00:26:57,320 And we had kind of a rough reaction when like a lot of our friends found out. 441 00:26:57,320 --> 00:27:01,960 And so there had been a lot of like this past year, us kind of just like hiding things, 442 00:27:01,960 --> 00:27:03,560 not necessarily hiding is in secret. 443 00:27:03,560 --> 00:27:10,080 We were just like, you know, not sharing any of our intimate, like, you know, like we wouldn't 444 00:27:10,080 --> 00:27:14,560 hold hands in public if we were around our friends or we went like be that close or things 445 00:27:14,560 --> 00:27:18,960 like that, just so we wouldn't make anyone like freak out. 446 00:27:18,960 --> 00:27:22,720 Because like when you have two friends in a group and one of them just like broke up 447 00:27:22,720 --> 00:27:28,560 with his girlfriend and then is with his friend and it's like, they're all like, what's, what's 448 00:27:28,560 --> 00:27:29,560 going on? 449 00:27:29,560 --> 00:27:30,560 What happened? 450 00:27:30,560 --> 00:27:34,280 And it's so, it's a little messy. 451 00:27:34,280 --> 00:27:37,720 But again, it's not like, it's not just friends with benefits. 452 00:27:37,720 --> 00:27:43,480 It's definitely more because like we just had a conversation the other day where I, 453 00:27:43,480 --> 00:27:47,640 you know, was like, listen, you don't see me in the long run. 454 00:27:47,640 --> 00:27:50,160 I don't know if I can do this anymore. 455 00:27:50,160 --> 00:27:54,720 And then he like broke down and was like, listen, you're the only person who understands 456 00:27:54,720 --> 00:27:55,720 me. 457 00:27:55,720 --> 00:27:57,280 And he's like, you're my person. 458 00:27:57,280 --> 00:28:01,520 And so I was like, yeah, hear that for me too. 459 00:28:01,520 --> 00:28:06,140 And it's like really hard because that's just who we are with each other right now. 460 00:28:06,140 --> 00:28:11,920 And I think in this time, we still need each other. 461 00:28:11,920 --> 00:28:16,520 But I don't want to hold out to like have any expectations. 462 00:28:16,520 --> 00:28:26,000 I'm just trying to make my films and have a good life and see where things take me. 463 00:28:26,000 --> 00:28:30,520 I don't because again, like I've had troubles like finding people. 464 00:28:30,520 --> 00:28:33,520 Like I've never had, like I said, I never had a boyfriend other than that one in high 465 00:28:33,520 --> 00:28:35,440 school for like four months. 466 00:28:35,440 --> 00:28:42,760 I was like, I don't know if it's a me thing or what, but I was like, no one, there's no, 467 00:28:42,760 --> 00:28:46,240 there's been no one until him. 468 00:28:46,240 --> 00:28:50,480 And I just was like, I don't, I don't want to start over with what's your favorite color. 469 00:28:50,480 --> 00:28:55,480 So we're just, yeah, taking things like literally day by day. 470 00:28:55,480 --> 00:28:59,640 I think that's also like the most responsible thing, even though it sounds like a muddled 471 00:28:59,640 --> 00:29:02,040 like chaotic mess. 472 00:29:02,040 --> 00:29:08,000 But I mean, I've never met a relationship that didn't start out easy as well, like the 473 00:29:08,000 -->

00:29:09,000 good ones. 474 00:29:09,000 --> 00:29:14,160 Like I, I definitely think some of the better ones have started out really complicated and 475 00:29:14,160 --> 00:29:17,040 ended up, but just made the most perfect sense. 476 00:29:17,040 --> 00:29:25,800 I also, it's interesting because I was a little bit the same, but I definitely think when 477 00:29:25,800 --> 00:29:33,840 I first met someone who was like really into me, it was just kind of like you put everything 478 00:29:33,840 --> 00:29:35,640 into it. 479 00:29:35,640 --> 00:29:41,660 And you know, I think I remember something that M and I, when we started dating, we went 480 00:29:41,660 --> 00:29:46,860 to one date and we both just sat there crying because we didn't want each other to be like 481 00:29:46,860 --> 00:29:47,860 absolute assholes. 482 00:29:47,860 --> 00:29:53,800 Like we were just like, we don't want to just keep restarting, you know, from, from the 483 00:29:53,800 --> 00:29:54,800 get go. 484 00:29:54,800 --> 00:29:57,840 So it was a really nice like point to start a relationship and be very open and honest 485 00:29:57,840 --> 00:29:58,840 with each other. 486 00:29:58,840 --> 00:30:05,680 But it is interesting because there's only so much emotional turmoil that you can also 487 00:30:05,680 --> 00:30:08,400 drag yourself out with. 488 00:30:08,400 --> 00:30:11,640 And it's not, I mean, this is the thing as well. 489 00:30:11,640 --> 00:30:20,800 Like I always say this, but like, you know, there, there was a lot to be said about, you 490 00:30:20,800 --> 00:30:27,240 know, being, you know, emotionally close and physically close with someone because you 491 00:30:27,240 --> 00:30:29,760 put everything into it. 492 00:30:29,760 --> 00:30:34,920 And you know, it's that chemistry, it's that like human proximity where like, oh, you know, 493 00:30:34,920 --> 00:30:37,040 like we need to be together. 494 00:30:37,040 --> 00:30:42,000 And I think a lot of it is like relationships, you know, it's like we said to you are hopeless 495 00:30:42,000 --> 00:30:43,000 romantic. 496 00:30:43,000 --> 00:30:48,040 Relationships never go the way we think they do. 497 00:30:48,040 --> 00:30:50,920 And we never end up with the person in our dreams. 498 00:30:50,920 --> 00:30:57,080 And it's always much more like complicated, but it's interesting because I'm, you know, 499 00:30:57,080 --> 00:31:02,420 quite similar to you in, in the regards that it's just, it's very lonely when you sort 500 00:31:02,420 --> 00:31:10,040 of think it's a you problem and it's very much like, am I, you know, and not lovable, 501 00:31:10,040 --> 00:31:16,600 am I, is this like, and, and it's like, it's so many false, you don't want to live in false 502 00:31:16,600 --> 00:31:17,600 hope. 503 00:31:17,600 --> 00:31:26,480 You don't want to constantly live in, in false hope and not feel like you're worth someone's 504 00:31:26,480 --> 00:31:33,920 time and you want to publicly express that and know that you can be outwardly in love. 505 00:31:33,920 --> 00:31:37,840 But you know, that's, that's the fucked thing. 506 00:31:37,840 --> 00:31:41,480 It's also like, are you a deeply emotional person? 507 00:31:41,480 --> 00:31:42,480 Yes. 508 00:31:42,480 --> 00:31:43,480 Yes. 509 00:31:43,480 --> 00:31:50,360 Very, very deeply, very emotional, very anxious attachment style type person. 510 00:31:50,360 --> 00:31:52,440 So I feel things times 10. 511 00:31:52,440 --> 00:31:53,440 Yeah. 512 00:31:53,440 --> 00:31:54,440 Can be crippling. 513 00:31:54,440 --> 00:31:59,720 Is that weird people out because I know like being one of those people, it can be very 514 00:31:59,720 --> 00:32:01,360 kind of like people don't know what to do with it. 515 00:32:01,360 --> 00:32:06,200 And they kind of go, Oh, that's a lot to deal with. 516 00:32:06,200 --> 00:32:08,560 I'm just going to put you in the too hard bucket. 517 00:32:08,560 --> 00:32:10,960 See that's how I view myself. 518 00:32:10,960 --> 00:32:14,320 I'm like, I think that's what I think people think of me. 519 00:32:14,320 --> 00:32:19,080 However, apparently, you know, I've, I've talked to some of my friends about it and 520 00:32:19,080 --> 00:32:26,000 they're like, honestly, Leah, you for the longest time were a mystery to me. 521 00:32:26,000 --> 00:32:30,680 They were like, I didn't, I'm still like finding things out about you after being friends with 522 00:32:30,680 --> 00:32:33,120 you for almost seven years. 523 00:32:33,120 --> 00:32:40,200 And it was because I always thought I was just too much, but apparently I was to them. 524 00:32:40,200 --> 00:32:41,840 They were like, not enough. 525 00:32:41,840 --> 00:32:47,680 Like not in that negative term, but as in like, I was a very quiet person. 526 00:32:47,680 --> 00:32:50,880 I very much held back, kept my emotions within. 527 00:32:50,880 --> 00:32:54,360 I'm a very emotional person, but it wasn't something that I shared. 528 00:32:54,360 --> 00:32:56,440 It wasn't something that I did out outwardly. 529 00:32:56,440 --> 00:33:01,000 It was a very inner emotional, like personal beat up. 530 00:33:01,000 --> 00:33:05,040 And I kept a lot of things to myself. 531 00:33:05,040 --> 00:33:08,120 People would have to kind of sometimes pry that from me. 532 00:33:08,120 --> 00:33:14,000 And I remember the guy that I'm, I'm just going to say the guy that I'm with right now. 533 00:33:14,000 --> 00:33:21,720 He remembered, I remember him telling me that he was like, you know, sometimes that it hurts 534 00:33:21,720 --> 00:33:27,280 the people around me because I'm holding with so much in and all they want to do is help. 535 00:33:27,280 --> 00:33:31,880 And they can't, if I'm holding back too much and not letting them in. 536 00:33:31,880 --> 00:33:36,440 And so that's something he's kind of actually taught me to do a little bit more. 537 00:33:36,440 --> 00:33:42,600 And now I'm becoming kind of, I'm becoming more open and more aware of

my feelings and 538 00:33:42,600 --> 00:33:49,320 not too like, I'm not scared to say them as much anymore. 539 00:33:49,320 --> 00:33:50,500 And I'm, I'm glad. 540 00:33:50,500 --> 00:33:54,760 So I don't, I'm not at the point where I think I'm too much. 541 00:33:54,760 --> 00:33:58,560 I do apologize for a lot because I cry a lot now. 542 00:33:58,560 --> 00:34:04,560 I realize I was like someone who never cried, like in front of people. 543 00:34:04,560 --> 00:34:09,140 And now I was like, now I get kind of a little too emotional, especially around him when 544 00:34:09,140 --> 00:34:10,400 I'm talking about my feelings. 545 00:34:10,400 --> 00:34:13,080 And I'm like, I'm like, I don't even know why I'm crying. 546 00:34:13,080 --> 00:34:14,300 I'm totally fine. 547 00:34:14,300 --> 00:34:17,560 It's just, they won't stop coming. 548 00:34:17,560 --> 00:34:19,720 So it's like one of those now. 549 00:34:19,720 --> 00:34:23,760 So I don't, I don't want to say, I don't think it's too much, or at least I, I hope it's 550 00:34:23,760 --> 00:34:32,160 not, but I do always, always feel like I have some sort of burden with me where I'm like, 551 00:34:32,160 --> 00:34:36,280 now that I talk a little bit more, I'm like, oh, now I'm just too much. 552 00:34:36,280 --> 00:34:37,560 Now no one can handle me. 553 00:34:37,560 --> 00:34:41,360 Now I'm, maybe I keep telling myself I need to revert back. 554 00:34:41,360 --> 00:34:42,720 I need to keep quiet again. 555 00:34:42,720 --> 00:34:50,360 I need to stop being too open because I liked, it was a little comforting when I would keep 556 00:34:50,360 --> 00:34:54,280 things to myself because I could suffer in silence. 557 00:34:54,280 --> 00:35:00,560 And I'm very, I need people around me to be happy. 558 00:35:00,560 --> 00:35:04,800 That's kind of a little controlling factor, I know, but it was like, if the people around 559 00:35:04,800 --> 00:35:11,000 me aren't happy, then I just get like, I freak out because I'm like, oh God, like, how do 560 00:35:11,000 --> 00:35:12,000 I make them happy? 561 00:35:12,000 --> 00:35:18,800 How do I make them, how do I make, you know, cause I used to, my mom used to be very, very 562 00:35:18,800 --> 00:35:22,800 temperamental and she would get like, she'd have angry, she has like anger management 563 00:35:22,800 --> 00:35:29,680 problems and if she was angry around the house, then the whole house was walking on eggshells. 564 00:35:29,680 --> 00:35:33,880 And I remember just trying to do like anything and everything to help and try to make mom 565 00:35:33,880 --> 00:35:36,480 happy so that the rest of the house could be happy. 566 00:35:36,480 --> 00:35:42,080 And so I think a little bit of that trickled into who I am and things like that. 567 00:35:42,080 --> 00:35:44,520 We love a little sprinkle of childhood trauma. 568 00:35:44,520 --> 00:35:57,360 Again, I think, yes, I am very much an emotional person, but I try to give just enough to where 569 00:35:57,360 --> 00:36:02,440 I can still let people in, but I still do hold back a little bit where I'm like, I won't 570 00:36:02,440 --> 00:36:03,680 be a burden. 571 00:36:03,680 --> 00:36:10,280 Which is really interesting because like I have that mentality too. 572 00:36:10,280 --> 00:36:16,720 And I think that, you know, childhood trauma, like trickle it in as you were saying, but 573 00:36:16,720 --> 00:36:21,960 you know, I really think about it even at 32, I love my family to bits, but it's sort 574 00:36:21,960 --> 00:36:29,480 of like, they are very kind of private and even my brother who, you know, like I'm close 575 00:36:29,480 --> 00:36:32,200 to, but I'm not super close to. 576 00:36:32,200 --> 00:36:40,120 And I think I always felt like I was the difficult child, like I was the older one out. 577 00:36:40,120 --> 00:36:44,600 And you know, like I was a handful and mom kept saying like, Oh, don't be too much for 578 00:36:44,600 --> 00:36:48,320 people, you know, always, you know, don't be too much. 579 00:36:48,320 --> 00:36:50,360 Oh, you're putting yourself too much out there. 580 00:36:50,360 --> 00:36:52,280 Oh, people don't want to hear this. 581 00:36:52,280 --> 00:36:54,840 Like, and so I can relate to that. 582 00:36:54,840 --> 00:37:02,080 And I think it's also like, I know there was a, there was a huge sense, like, and I've 583 00:37:02,080 --> 00:37:06,960 always sort of been just like very open about like how I feel about something, which I think 584 00:37:06,960 --> 00:37:12,360 has also taken my family off guard because they're very filled with politeness. 585 00:37:12,360 --> 00:37:18,640 And I'm like rather just, you know, uh, make people happy and make people feel wanted and 586 00:37:18,640 --> 00:37:20,600 cared about. 587 00:37:20,600 --> 00:37:26,600 And I often think of that, like where your heart and your slave and emotionally care 588 00:37:26,600 --> 00:37:28,600 about people. 589 00:37:28,600 --> 00:37:36,840 But it's also, it's very nerve wracking because it's like, at the same time, like that fear 590 00:37:36,840 --> 00:37:41,960 of rejection is still so like, am I going to be too much for someone? 591 00:37:41,960 --> 00:37:47,520 So if I put it on the back burner and don't be too much, will they want to be my friend? 592 00:37:47,520 --> 00:37:48,800 Will they want to not know me? 593 00:37:48,800 --> 00:37:57,720 Like, you know, um, and I definitely, I think really it's, and it's such an older mentality 594 00:37:57,720 --> 00:38:02,680 as well, like when you get into your adulthood, but you always feel like you're, you have, 595 00:38:02,680 --> 00:38:05,000 like what can you value to give to your friends? 596 00:38:05,000 --> 00:38:09,420 Why would they still want to come back to you and be your friends? 597 00:38:09,420 --> 00:38:12,760 And why would your partner want to still come back to you and be your partner? 598 00:38:12,760 --> 00:38:17,440 Like you're like, and I remember for ages, and

I don't know if this is like you as well, 599 00:38:17,440 --> 00:38:24,720 but you're like, are my interests, like my, you know, fandoms and my wife, the interesting 600 00:38:24,720 --> 00:38:28,480 thing about me, but you know, what am I without my hobbies? 601 00:38:28,480 --> 00:38:29,680 Am I not interesting? 602 00:38:29,680 --> 00:38:36,400 Have I got nothing of worth or value to give to people if I'm not offering like my entire 603 00:38:36,400 --> 00:38:41,360 self to them, to people, please them. 604 00:38:41,360 --> 00:38:49,800 And I mean, do you, do you feel like that's been you growing up? 605 00:38:49,800 --> 00:38:58,800 I had, I have, I very, very big, like people pleasing. 606 00:38:58,800 --> 00:39:03,680 It's been something that apparently is not very subtle in my life, where I was like, 607 00:39:03,680 --> 00:39:04,680 you're such a people pleaser. 608 00:39:04,680 --> 00:39:08,200 And it's like, yes, I know. 609 00:39:08,200 --> 00:39:09,280 I understand. 610 00:39:09,280 --> 00:39:12,460 It is because I just want you to like me. 611 00:39:12,460 --> 00:39:15,040 And so I have, I definitely have people pleaser. 612 00:39:15,040 --> 00:39:21,240 I'm really trying to, you know, I don't want to give up on that, but I'm trying to not 613 00:39:21,240 --> 00:39:30,040 let it like be taken advantage of, but I definitely am someone who, if I, I'm very good at reading 614 00:39:30,040 --> 00:39:36,000 people I feel like, cause I have, I have pretty good, I don't want to like, you know, like 615 00:39:36,000 --> 00:39:39,200 brush my shoulder and say I have really good intuition, but I do feel like I have pretty 616 00:39:39,200 --> 00:39:40,200 good. 617 00:39:40,200 --> 00:39:48,440 I have pretty good intuition and I'm really good at reading people and I, I always try 618 00:39:48,440 --> 00:39:54,720 really hard to adapt to that person. 619 00:39:54,720 --> 00:40:00,600 You know, if they like something I'm going to try to, you know, they say it's a show. 620 00:40:00,600 --> 00:40:01,600 They really love the show. 621 00:40:01,600 --> 00:40:03,020 I'm going to go home and I'm going to watch that show. 622 00:40:03,020 --> 00:40:06,920 So they have someone to talk about it with, or if they have a book and they're talking 623 00:40:06,920 --> 00:40:09,000 about this book and they're like, Oh my gosh, you should read this book. 624 00:40:09,000 --> 00:40:15,840 I'm going to go home and read that book so that they like feel seen, feel heard. 625 00:40:15,840 --> 00:40:20,600 I guess it was something, you know, like I've always wanted somebody to do that for me, 626 00:40:20,600 --> 00:40:23,560 but I love doing that for other people. 627 00:40:23,560 --> 00:40:29,960 And so like I would have, um, but then I started to like, this is where it got crippling because 628 00:40:29,960 --> 00:40:37,160 then I stopped knowing who I was because I was so, I was so into everybody else's hobbies 629 00:40:37,160 --> 00:40:40,520 and everybody else's like interests. 630 00:40:40,520 --> 00:40:44,880 And I don't know like what kind of music I want to say, like, I don't even know really 631 00:40:44,880 --> 00:40:50,360 what kind of music I like because I'm over here listening to, you know, these certain 632 00:40:50,360 --> 00:40:57,160 bands because this is the vibe of one person or I'm listening to grunge over here because 633 00:40:57,160 --> 00:41:00,680 you know, my best friend loves this or I'm watching these movies. 634 00:41:00,680 --> 00:41:03,200 I got, I used to be such a hater on DC. 635 00:41:03,200 --> 00:41:08,160 I'm so sorry, but like even as a Superman fan, it was very biased because I just loved 636 00:41:08,160 --> 00:41:09,160 like Smallville. 637 00:41:09,160 --> 00:41:14,400 Um, but I was very much like that, you know, only Avengers, no Justice League kind of a 638 00:41:14,400 --> 00:41:15,400 girl. 639 00:41:15,400 --> 00:41:21,880 And then I move up here and everybody's a DC fan and I don't want to be like, Oh, well, 640 00:41:21,880 --> 00:41:22,880 okay. 641 00:41:22,880 --> 00:41:27,280 So I'm just going to sit here and watch all of the, like, I'm going to be so into Zack 642 00:41:27,280 --> 00:41:33,680 Snyder, I'm going to be so into like everything right now and so that like they'll see me 643 00:41:33,680 --> 00:41:37,320 trying and they'll be like, Oh, she likes DC too. 644 00:41:37,320 --> 00:41:38,320 Cool. 645 00:41:38,320 --> 00:41:41,640 I can talk to her now because I feel like, Oh, if she didn't like DC, I'm not going to 646 00:41:41,640 --> 00:41:43,560 give my, I'm not going to like waste my time on her. 647 00:41:43,560 --> 00:41:47,080 And I have this need to be like, I need people to need me. 648 00:41:47,080 --> 00:41:50,360 And so probably not healthy. 649 00:41:50,360 --> 00:41:51,560 Probably. 650 00:41:51,560 --> 00:41:53,560 It's not really healthy. 651 00:41:53,560 --> 00:41:58,720 I never used to like tell people my favorite shows or my favorite books or anything because 652 00:41:58,720 --> 00:42:00,240 I always was like, what's the point? 653 00:42:00,240 --> 00:42:01,600 No one going to care. 654 00:42:01,600 --> 00:42:04,420 I tell people, Oh, my favorite show is this. 655 00:42:04,420 --> 00:42:05,920 And they're like, Oh, never heard of it. 656 00:42:05,920 --> 00:42:07,760 And then they'll just talk about something else. 657 00:42:07,760 --> 00:42:11,720 Or I tried to get one of my best friends from a while ago. 658 00:42:11,720 --> 00:42:14,760 She got me into everything. 659 00:42:14,760 --> 00:42:15,760 She was like, I like this band. 660 00:42:15,760 --> 00:42:17,600 I was like, okay, I'm going to listen to that. 661 00:42:17,600 --> 00:42:20,320 She was like, watch this movie, read these books. 662 00:42:20,320 --> 00:42:21,320 You have to do this. 663 00:42:21,320 --> 00:42:22,320 You have to get into this. 664 00:42:22,320 --> 00:42:27,880 So I would, and I would drain myself trying to please her by getting to

everything that 665 00:42:27,880 --> 00:42:28,880 she liked. 666 00:42:28,880 --> 00:42:34,520 But the minute I was like, Hey, my favorite childhood books was the Maze Runner. 667 00:42:34,520 --> 00:42:37,720 Do you ever think, you know, maybe here they are. 668 00:42:37,720 --> 00:42:41,800 If you want, you want to, and they're also got a movie if you want to watch the movie. 669 00:42:41,800 --> 00:42:44,660 And the entire friendship, she never did that. 670 00:42:44,660 --> 00:42:48,440 I talked to her years later and found out that she had like one of her roommates made 671 00:42:48,440 --> 00:42:49,600 her like watch it. 672 00:42:49,600 --> 00:42:51,600 And she was like, Oh my God, like Maze Runner is so good. 673 00:42:51,600 --> 00:42:52,600 I love it. 674 00:42:52,600 --> 00:42:54,640 And I was like, wow, that's great. 675 00:42:54,640 --> 00:42:57,040 Good to know it, you know, it was me. 676 00:42:57,040 --> 00:43:00,120 It was just me that you didn't, you know, want to try it for. 677 00:43:00,120 --> 00:43:08,200 And it's just, it's sometimes it's kind of hard when you try so hard for all these people 678 00:43:08,200 --> 00:43:11,640 and then you're met with nothing. 679 00:43:11,640 --> 00:43:16,000 It's not like I want nothing because I still will continue to be that person. 680 00:43:16,000 --> 00:43:18,800 Cause I know what it's like not to have it. 681 00:43:18,800 --> 00:43:21,140 And I don't want people to feel that. 682 00:43:21,140 --> 00:43:26,160 And so I tried to go above and beyond a little bit and be like, yeah, this is your favorite. 683 00:43:26,160 --> 00:43:29,080 I'm going to, I'm going to enjoy, I'm going to want to like try it. 684 00:43:29,080 --> 00:43:31,280 Even if I don't like it, I'll tell you straight up. 685 00:43:31,280 --> 00:43:35,560 I didn't really like your show, but I watched it and I'll give that to you. 686 00:43:35,560 --> 00:43:38,400 And you know, you can have me to talk about that with. 687 00:43:38,400 --> 00:43:41,440 I just want to be like needed in that. 688 00:43:41,440 --> 00:43:44,760 I want people to be like, Oh, I want to go to Leah to talk about this. 689 00:43:44,760 --> 00:43:45,760 Yeah. 690 00:43:45,760 --> 00:43:46,760 You know? 691 00:43:46,760 --> 00:43:47,760 Yeah. 692 00:43:47,760 --> 00:43:48,760 I know that. 693 00:43:48,760 --> 00:43:51,360 I know that entirely. 694 00:43:51,360 --> 00:43:52,360 Yeah. 695 00:43:52,360 --> 00:43:59,400 It's, it's really kind of like, you know, the, the factor of the matter is like, and 696 00:43:59,400 --> 00:44:06,080 I have such obscure things that I love and you know, like half a dozen people have never 697 00:44:06,080 --> 00:44:07,080 watched them. 698 00:44:07,080 --> 00:44:10,040 And I have like two friends. 699 00:44:10,040 --> 00:44:16,340 My wife has sat down and watched so much with me that she never would have grown up with. 700 00:44:16,340 --> 00:44:21,840 And I've tried some of her shows growing up and we've both watched,

you know, discovered 701 00:44:21,840 --> 00:44:24,000 like, Oh, we like this show more than we thought we would. 702 00:44:24,000 --> 00:44:26,280 And you know, like, we'll watch it all. 703 00:44:26,280 --> 00:44:29,560 Or some shows were just like, that was okay. 704 00:44:29,560 --> 00:44:33,160 But we just didn't like it as much as we thought. 705 00:44:33,160 --> 00:44:38,760 And I definitely think, you know, like we're going through all the Pixar films, we're 706 00:44:38,760 --> 00:44:43,400 going through the Disney films and we, you know, like occasionally we'll watch them really 707 00:44:43,400 --> 00:44:50,280 bad, like soap movies that we, you know, like love, hopeless romantic ones where it's like, 708 00:44:50,280 --> 00:44:52,640 Oh, you know, like, yay. 709 00:44:52,640 --> 00:44:56,600 And I'm sort of like, Oh, I've probably avoided this because I'm like, I wouldn't have watched 710 00:44:56,600 --> 00:44:58,720 it when I was younger. 711 00:44:58,720 --> 00:45:00,440 And she's like, do you want to watch it? 712 00:45:00,440 --> 00:45:02,000 I'm like, Oh, yeah, all right. 713 00:45:02,000 --> 00:45:05,600 I'll watch it, you know, like, because it's you. 714 00:45:05,600 --> 00:45:11,320 But it's, it's really interesting because like, I know that feeling where you love something 715 00:45:11,320 --> 00:45:19,160 and you want people to, you know, read or watch, especially with things you make. 716 00:45:19,160 --> 00:45:24,920 And especially with like, I'm one of those friends who will watch, like if someone makes 717 00:45:24,920 --> 00:45:27,720 a film or someone sends me something, I'll watch it. 718 00:45:27,720 --> 00:45:33,640 And I'll always like, I'll try and read something or I'll try and get feedback for people if 719 00:45:33,640 --> 00:45:35,560 I can. 720 00:45:35,560 --> 00:45:41,320 But I never like people to feel like they're not worth my time. 721 00:45:41,320 --> 00:45:47,760 And especially because like, I definitely have some friends who put 110% into the friendship 722 00:45:47,760 --> 00:45:50,520 is vice versa. 723 00:45:50,520 --> 00:45:56,000 And you know, and then I have other friends who only put like 10% in, they just go when 724 00:45:56,000 --> 00:46:04,520 you need something, you know, like, and they, and it's amazing because I think that's sort 725 00:46:04,520 --> 00:46:09,200 of like such the hurtful thing about it. 726 00:46:09,200 --> 00:46:14,480 And I'm, you know, like for a long time that really struggled and it's like still struggles 727 00:46:14,480 --> 00:46:22,420 with my anxiety and like plays on my like, how useful am I if not offering myself to 728 00:46:22,420 --> 00:46:29,380 others to make useful because that's the only way they'll see like value in me. 729 00:46:29,380 --> 00:46:35,980 And I definitely feel like that is really shrunk. 730 00:46:35,980 --> 00:46:42,560 Like you know, that perspective is really shrunk, especially like, you know, I feel 731 00:46:42,560 --> 00:46:49,840 like people just don't think too much outside of their little like, you know, their little 732 00:46:49,840 --> 00:46:55,160 bubble, they're very like, I don't know, it's just, I'm not a very self-absorbed person. 733 00:46:55,160 --> 00:47:01,720 I have never got the idea of thinking of number one as you and I love doing things for other 734 00:47:01,720 --> 00:47:09,700 people and helping people and I just find it very interesting when people get very self-absorbed 735 00:47:09,700 --> 00:47:17,920 and they just like project or they get very like, you haven't done one thing and they 736 00:47:17,920 --> 00:47:21,300 suddenly get very angry at you for not, you know, and I think that comes with the people 737 00:47:21,300 --> 00:47:25,480 placing when you do so much for someone you miss out on one thing and then they get really 738 00:47:25,480 --> 00:47:28,640 angry that you haven't done this one thing for them. 739 00:47:28,640 --> 00:47:29,640 Yep. 740 00:47:29,640 --> 00:47:30,640 Why? 741 00:47:30,640 --> 00:47:34,520 And it's like sometimes they only ever see like one way it's their way or the highway 742 00:47:34,520 --> 00:47:38,000 and it's, it's, I don't know, do you know like enneagrams and stuff like that? 743 00:47:38,000 --> 00:47:39,000 Like types? 744 00:47:39,000 --> 00:47:40,360 I think I may have mentioned this to you. 745 00:47:40,360 --> 00:47:48,920 I told you that, you know, I'm an INFJ, but I'm also my enneagram is a nine and you know, 746 00:47:48,920 --> 00:47:56,000 you don't know that it's like a basically nines are heavy people pleasers and they will 747 00:47:56,000 --> 00:48:05,040 avoid conflict at any cost and they are also someone who is always has to see like everyone's 748 00:48:05,040 --> 00:48:10,460 side to things because of how much they like hate conflict and they want so much peace. 749 00:48:10,460 --> 00:48:16,480 Like their ultimate nines ultimate goal is just peace and I definitely, I definitely 750 00:48:16,480 --> 00:48:19,640 am a nine when I found that out, I was like, Oh, it makes sense. 751 00:48:19,640 --> 00:48:22,360 I understand now. 752 00:48:22,360 --> 00:48:26,200 And so it was, I think a lot of people's problems. 753 00:48:26,200 --> 00:48:27,200 I'm just like straight up. 754 00:48:27,200 --> 00:48:30,440 I think the world's problem is it lacks like perspective. 755 00:48:30,440 --> 00:48:38,780 I cannot like express how much like how many things would be solved in just like friend 756 00:48:38,780 --> 00:48:39,780 groups and stuff. 757 00:48:39,780 --> 00:48:45,640 If people would just shut up and see the other person's perspective and it to me, I don't 758 00:48:45,640 --> 00:48:47,080 struggle like with that. 759 00:48:47,080 --> 00:48:52,780 I am always trying to be like that person in the group was like, okay, yeah, I see why 760 00:48:52,780 --> 00:48:58,560 you want to do that, but you can also can't you also see why this person is not wanting 761 00:48:58,560 -->

00:49:05,080 to like, how do you not, how do you not see that it's so it's so hard for people to put 762 00:49:05,080 --> 00:49:10,700 themselves in other people's shoes and to me that's like a hard concept to like graphs 763 00:49:10,700 --> 00:49:13,080 that you can't like people can't do that. 764 00:49:13,080 --> 00:49:17,680 I was like, what do you, how do you go about just like only seeing one way. 765 00:49:17,680 --> 00:49:22,320 So it's really hard sometimes when I'm having a conversation with someone and they're very 766 00:49:22,320 --> 00:49:25,680 much like, they're like, Oh, I can't believe this person would do that. 767 00:49:25,680 --> 00:49:28,840 I don't understand why they would want to, you know, why would they want to do this in 768 00:49:28,840 --> 00:49:30,120 front of me and blah, blah, blah. 769 00:49:30,120 --> 00:49:36,720 And I was like, well, because this, this and that, like, they grew up with this, they have 770 00:49:36,720 --> 00:49:42,840 a fear of this, and they just want, you know, this, and then they're like, Oh, well, yeah, 771 00:49:42,840 --> 00:49:43,840 I mean, I guess. 772 00:49:43,840 --> 00:49:48,880 And I'm like, I don't know, it baffles me sometimes I'm just like, guys, it would be 773 00:49:48,880 --> 00:49:58,520 so much easier if you literally took off these glasses and saw, you know, the whole situation 774 00:49:58,520 --> 00:50:01,880 rather than just like what you want to do in just your opinion and the people that are 775 00:50:01,880 --> 00:50:04,240 just like, Oh, it's got to be my way or the highway. 776 00:50:04,240 --> 00:50:06,520 Like, no, you're hard to work with. 777 00:50:06,520 --> 00:50:09,440 I'm not doing that. 778 00:50:09,440 --> 00:50:16,520 I just also think, yeah, you just, you're really like hitting a nail on the head for 779 00:50:16,520 --> 00:50:21,840 me, which I love. 780 00:50:21,840 --> 00:50:29,280 But you know, like I feel that that is a lot of my friendships with people and a lot of 781 00:50:29,280 --> 00:50:31,320 conflict I try to avoid. 782 00:50:31,320 --> 00:50:35,040 I'm, but you know, you can't avoid everyone's conflict. 783 00:50:35,040 --> 00:50:41,600 I remember I've had falling out with friends because I, you know, was too busy to call 784 00:50:41,600 --> 00:50:46,840 them back, you know, cause of work or, you know, and I just, it was like everything okay. 785 00:50:46,840 --> 00:50:48,560 And they were like, yeah, just wanted to call to catch up. 786 00:50:48,560 --> 00:50:51,000 And I was like, Oh yeah, I'll arrange another time. 787 00:50:51,000 --> 00:50:55,360 Like I'm just at work and then life would get busy, forget to call them back. 788 00:50:55,360 --> 00:50:58,480 Cause brains like a sieve sometimes. 789 00:50:58,480 --> 00:51:05,360 And they would be so like, you didn't put enough effort in. 790 00:51:05,360 --> 00:51:09,760 And I'm like, you've called me like maybe twice in the space of six months and we've 791 00:51:09,760 --> 00:51:13,640 just not had an alignment of time to meet up. 792 00:51:13,640 --> 00:51:19,160 And you know, if we have, uh, one of us has had to cancel because of various different 793 00:51:19,160 --> 00:51:24,880 like, you know, things and it's just like life and it's not that we don't care about 794 00:51:24,880 --> 00:51:25,880 each other. 795 00:51:25,880 --> 00:51:31,800 And suddenly people just go, Oh, I need you to call every week to make sure I'm okay. 796 00:51:31,800 --> 00:51:35,080 And I'm like, even for me, that's too much. 797 00:51:35,080 --> 00:51:36,920 Yeah, that's a lot. 798 00:51:36,920 --> 00:51:37,920 That's a lot. 799 00:51:37,920 --> 00:51:40,520 That's where I can see how you were talking about, you know, things being a little bit 800 00:51:40,520 --> 00:51:42,800 like too much of a burden and too much. 801 00:51:42,800 --> 00:51:46,280 I can't, you know, you can't be a little, you can't be too clicky with me. 802 00:51:46,280 --> 00:51:51,760 You have to be like, there does need to be a little like, or not clicky, um, clingy, 803 00:51:51,760 --> 00:51:52,760 clingy. 804 00:51:52,760 --> 00:51:53,760 Yeah. 805 00:51:53,760 --> 00:51:57,040 But it kind of reminds me like falling out wise. 806 00:51:57,040 --> 00:52:03,360 I had like a, um, it's, it's funny now that we're like reconnected, but I had a best friend 807 00:52:03,360 --> 00:52:07,040 that I met, you know, through the online, um, fandom and stuff. 808 00:52:07,040 --> 00:52:09,120 And she was, you know, my best friend. 809 00:52:09,120 --> 00:52:10,120 It was me. 810 00:52:10,120 --> 00:52:13,080 This was the one I was actually talking about earlier where I was like, I watched this and 811 00:52:13,080 --> 00:52:14,080 I watched that. 812 00:52:14,080 --> 00:52:16,600 And, um, but you never watched this for me. 813 00:52:16,600 --> 00:52:20,400 You know, I hate to like strictly just keep things, films and books, but I mean that like, 814 00:52:20,400 --> 00:52:25,560 and you know, that's just the light topics of things that, you know, I want people to 815 00:52:25,560 --> 00:52:34,560 like, any who, um, I, um, she, we, we were best friends for like a really good three 816 00:52:34,560 --> 00:52:37,280 years, I want to say. 817 00:52:37,280 --> 00:52:45,520 Um, and you know, best friends, I flew out twice to California to see her. 818 00:52:45,520 --> 00:52:51,720 Um, and it was, you know, once was for end game. 819 00:52:51,720 --> 00:52:54,240 When end game came out, we went and watched that together. 820 00:52:54,240 --> 00:52:57,600 Another time was, uh, just, you know, like a surprise for her. 821 00:52:57,600 --> 00:53:03,520 I think it was for her birthday and you know, like I did a lot of these things and then 822 00:53:03,520 --> 00:53:07,760 we just kind of like when COVID happened, you know, things started to get like a little 823 00:53:07,760 --> 00:53:13,340 rough in the group chat and she started to get into like a different, she just got into 824

00:53:13,340 --> 00:53:14,340 a different life. 825 00:53:14,340 --> 00:53:20,720 Um, she went to college, she got really into K-pop, um, and that just kind of like took 826 00:53:20,720 --> 00:53:22,000 over her. 827 00:53:22,000 --> 00:53:28,040 And I knew in the back of my head, I was like, if I, I was like, if I get into K-pop, I could 828 00:53:28,040 --> 00:53:32,560 probably keep her as a friend because this is what we would, you know, this was the new 829 00:53:32,560 --> 00:53:36,080 thing that I had to get into to be able to talk to her. 830 00:53:36,080 --> 00:53:42,000 And I was like, but I would, I know how like, uh, K-pop, if you love K-pop, that is amazing. 831 00:53:42,000 --> 00:53:43,000 That was great. 832 00:53:43,000 --> 00:53:46,840 You're very talented, but I know how it can suck you in and that can be like your entire 833 00:53:46,840 --> 00:53:47,840 personality. 834 00:53:47,840 --> 00:53:53,560 And so I, um, I was like, okay, I, I, this is the one thing I can't do. 835 00:53:53,560 --> 00:53:55,080 And then we just stopped talking. 836 00:53:55,080 --> 00:54:01,200 We just slowly like just stopped and there was nothing, you know, it was an on no one. 837 00:54:01,200 --> 00:54:04,760 It was just like a, um, just a distance thing. 838 00:54:04,760 --> 00:54:07,760 And then it's been like, we're 2024. 839 00:54:07,760 --> 00:54:12,000 So it's been like four years and we're just now like rekindling. 840 00:54:12,000 --> 00:54:15,800 Like she messaged me, she reached out and she was like, I feel bad for the distance 841 00:54:15,800 --> 00:54:16,800 that you know, I caused. 842 00:54:16,800 --> 00:54:18,800 And she's like, I want to make up things. 843 00:54:18,800 --> 00:54:19,800 So I don't know. 844 00:54:19,800 --> 00:54:21,920 I'm testing the waters right now. 845 00:54:21,920 --> 00:54:27,980 Not to be like, I've been down this road with so many people where it's like, you leave, 846 00:54:27,980 --> 00:54:32,640 you leave me and then want to come back, but I don't know if you've changed. 847 00:54:32,640 --> 00:54:39,760 Um, so I'm testing the waters to see like where we're at, um, and see how well it, you 848 00:54:39,760 --> 00:54:40,760 know, how, how it goes. 849 00:54:40,760 --> 00:54:44,400 And if things are still going to be like they were, I won't try as hard in this. 850 00:54:44,400 --> 00:54:47,880 And there'd just be like one of those friends that I'm like, yeah, I'll talk to you every 851 00:54:47,880 --> 00:54:49,800 once in a while, but I'm not going to get too attached. 852 00:54:49,800 --> 00:54:50,800 Yeah. 853 00:54:50,800 --> 00:54:51,800 I get that entirely. 854 00:54:51,800 --> 00:54:55,720 I think it's also, it reminds me of, you know, a couple of friends. 855 00:54:55,720 --> 00:55:00,360 So I've, I've got some close friends who I've, I've never met in person and have much more 856 00:55:00,360 --> 00:55:04,280 in depth conversations than I do with people I see regular. 857 00:55:04,280 --> 00:55:10,680 And they're like, and I think like. 858 00:55:10,680 --> 00:55:21,120 You know, I remember particularly, you know, when I, I discovered that I was queer and 859 00:55:21,120 --> 00:55:26,400 like, I was like, oh, I kind of, you know, and I sort of was like, oh, okay. 860 00:55:26,400 --> 00:55:30,200 You know, I'm on the non-binary side of things. 861 00:55:30,200 --> 00:55:35,200 And I remember talking to a few bunch of friends who were very like heteronormative and they 862 00:55:35,200 --> 00:55:40,880 just didn't get that logic and they weren't accepting of it or they were just kind of 863 00:55:40,880 --> 00:55:43,920 like, didn't know what to say. 864 00:55:43,920 --> 00:55:46,240 And I was like, well, you can just say anything. 865 00:55:46,240 --> 00:55:47,240 Like you can ask questions. 866 00:55:47,240 --> 00:55:49,040 I'm not afraid. 867 00:55:49,040 --> 00:55:53,440 And there was a real sense of like discomfort with some of them. 868 00:55:53,440 --> 00:56:00,600 I mean, not all of them, but I definitely felt like there was sort of like, oh, okay. 869 00:56:00,600 --> 00:56:02,760 That's kind of just annoying. 870 00:56:02,760 --> 00:56:08,080 Like, you know, that friends are just choosing something based on, you know, like anything 871 00:56:08,080 --> 00:56:09,080 like that. 872 00:56:09,080 --> 00:56:15,040 But I mean, it was also like, I don't know, there was a huge, there's a huge thing of 873 00:56:15,040 --> 00:56:18,880 like, if you, you know, and I felt like this is like with the film world as well. 874 00:56:18,880 --> 00:56:24,840 And I just, I noticed it so much when you're making films, like it's a really make or break, 875 00:56:24,840 --> 00:56:30,400 you know, like friendship mold when you're making films together, because it's like such 876 00:56:30,400 --> 00:56:32,680 close proximity and hard work. 877 00:56:32,680 --> 00:56:36,000 And then you're presenting something and making something and putting it all together. 878 00:56:36,000 --> 00:56:39,720 And I definitely had some friends who just didn't love it as much as I did where I was 879 00:56:39,720 --> 00:56:44,800 like, I'm just going to spend like ages working on something. 880 00:56:44,800 --> 00:56:48,920 And then they'd be like, you know, you'd be coming, you know, like they'd be like, oh, 881 00:56:48,920 --> 00:56:51,860 I'm doing so many other things and I'll just get to eventually. 882 00:56:51,860 --> 00:56:55,440 And you do have this sense of like, I have one particular friend who I'll always send 883 00:56:55,440 --> 00:57:00,040 like film stuff to and we watch each other's stuff and support each other. 884 00:57:00,040 --> 00:57:05,640 And we've known each other for like six years, but it's, it's always like, we have had more 885 00:57:05,640 --> 00:57:11,440 venting conversations about like people we've worked with and, or people we've dealt with 886 00:57:11,440 --> 00:57:15,720 or people who didn't give us enough credit or, you know,

people who just kind of like 887 00:57:15,720 --> 00:57:17,320 sidelined us. 888 00:57:17,320 --> 00:57:23,280 And I think the thing is like, I just, I don't like toxic behavior. 889 00:57:23,280 --> 00:57:25,360 I really think it's appalling. 890 00:57:25,360 --> 00:57:26,360 It's it's bad. 891 00:57:26,360 --> 00:57:32,360 I'm so cautious about people like I'm, it's funny that you say like, you're good at intuition 892 00:57:32,360 --> 00:57:34,720 and like, you know, reading people. 893 00:57:34,720 --> 00:57:36,640 I'm like, I'm, I'm the same. 894 00:57:36,640 --> 00:57:44,280 I'm really good at like seeing through BS and you know, like I, I, I automatically feel 895 00:57:44,280 --> 00:57:47,920 like I, I'm, it's funny. 896 00:57:47,920 --> 00:57:52,880 Like I'm even saying this now, but I feel like I know you more so like I'm talking to 897 00:57:52,880 --> 00:57:58,600 an old friend than I am with someone who I don't know, which is a kind of weird feeling. 898 00:57:58,600 --> 00:58:00,800 Oh, I totally get it. 899 00:58:00,800 --> 00:58:01,800 Yeah. 900 00:58:01,800 --> 00:58:05,440 I'm feeling it right now is you're just like, it's like, oh yeah, you've been my internet 901 00:58:05,440 --> 00:58:06,440 friend for years. 902 00:58:06,440 --> 00:58:07,440 Yeah. 903 00:58:07,440 --> 00:58:08,440 It's casual right now. 904 00:58:08,440 --> 00:58:09,440 That's what it feels like. 905 00:58:09,440 --> 00:58:10,440 Yeah. 906 00:58:10,440 --> 00:58:15,280 And I think it's like, you know, for me, that's the start of a good friendship rather than, 907 00:58:15,280 --> 00:58:22,200 you know, the sort of pinnacle point because it's like, you know, I sort of, I always feel 908 00:58:22,200 --> 00:58:26,880 like people come with trepidation, they come with rules, they come with like concerns and 909 00:58:26,880 --> 00:58:33,000 everything and like, I don't know what makes, when you meet someone, what makes it click 910 00:58:33,000 --> 00:58:34,000 for you? 911 00:58:34,000 --> 00:58:37,120 What makes it like, oh, I want to be this person's friend. 912 00:58:37,120 --> 00:58:43,200 Immediately like their energy, like how they, sometimes it's hard with some people because 913 00:58:43,200 --> 00:58:48,240 I know I'm, I'm like this where I can be a little quiet on first like meetings. 914 00:58:48,240 --> 00:58:52,080 Especially like if it's in person, I feel like once I'm online or if I'm doing something 915 00:58:52,080 --> 00:58:54,520 like that, I'm just, I don't care. 916 00:58:54,520 --> 00:58:59,560 But I just have to like, I have to know where your energy levels are at so that I know where 917 00:58:59,560 --> 00:59:02,640 I fit into this. 918 00:59:02,640 --> 00:59:09,920 So if you come, like if you're new to a group and you come in and you are like very extroverted, 919 00:59:09,920 --> 00:59:13,280 very loud, love that, that's you. 920 00:59:13,280 --> 00:59:16,020 That's, I mean, amazing. 921 00:59:16,020 --> 00:59:21,860 But then I know that I'm going to probably submit myself to be the more quiet one. 922 00:59:21,860 --> 00:59:27,240 But if I'm in a group where no one's talking and everyone's got this like kind of shy behavior, 923 00:59:27,240 --> 00:59:29,840 I'm here like, hey guys, how you doing? 924 00:59:29,840 --> 00:59:31,360 My name's Leah, what's your name? 925 00:59:31,360 --> 00:59:36,760 And I'll get to be like the bubbly like one that'll start things. 926 00:59:36,760 --> 00:59:43,440 So it's like, I play, I got, I have to like read your energy first so that I know where 927 00:59:43,440 --> 00:59:44,440 I can fit in. 928 00:59:44,440 --> 00:59:49,120 I will say I have probably hard time. 929 00:59:49,120 --> 00:59:58,160 I grew up, I have a hard time with like girl friendships, which I hate and I wish I didn't. 930 00:59:58,160 --> 01:00:02,800 But I grew up a lot with like my, my dad has like four brothers. 931 01:00:02,800 --> 01:00:10,840 So I grew up around my uncles, my, my, my, I have brothers, just brothers. 932 01:00:10,840 --> 01:00:14,560 And I have, you know, my dad wasn't always there. 933 01:00:14,560 --> 01:00:15,560 He was in the military. 934 01:00:15,560 --> 01:00:22,080 He was gone a lot, but my uncle, you know, my mom's brother, whatever, I was over. 935 01:00:22,080 --> 01:00:29,460 And so I have a lot of like guy bring ups and, and then, you know, middle school is 936 01:00:29,460 --> 01:00:33,000 where I kind of found, you know, a bunch of girls and was friends around that. 937 01:00:33,000 --> 01:00:34,560 I felt comfortable there. 938 01:00:34,560 --> 01:00:42,360 But once I got to high school, I had maybe two girlfriends. 939 01:00:42,360 --> 01:00:43,360 But that was it. 940 01:00:43,360 --> 01:00:47,360 That was the only, the only two that I wanted to like would talk to. 941 01:00:47,360 --> 01:00:49,160 The rest were just like guys. 942 01:00:49,160 --> 01:00:56,400 And then I come up here and right now I'm in like a group chat with just guys. 943 01:00:56,400 --> 01:00:59,160 I lived in a house with just guys. 944 01:00:59,160 --> 01:01:08,080 I have, it has just been like guy friendships forever until, and then I have, I have two 945 01:01:08,080 --> 01:01:13,480 girlfriends right now who are my everything and they are the ones I met through like the 946 01:01:13,480 --> 01:01:14,600 Tom Holland fandom. 947 01:01:14,600 --> 01:01:22,040 And I'm so glad that I am still best friends with them, but I always fear that what, if 948 01:01:22,040 --> 01:01:26,280 I were to be in person with them, they, it wouldn't work out. 949 01:01:26,280 --> 01:01:31,480 I feel like because I have a distance with them sometimes it, you know, through it being 950 01:01:31,480 --> 01:01:34,400 online, you know, one lives in Utah, one lives in North Carolina. 951 01:01:34,400 --> 01:01:44,400 And so I feel like we're able to, we're able to all, you know, we're not constantly together, 952 01:01:44,400 --> 01:01:47,360 but we're always there just enough for

each other. 953 01:01:47,360 --> 01:01:51,660 Because I've noticed when I get around other girls, I get very timid because they always 954 01:01:51,660 --> 01:01:56,420 need to be like, there's always some that just need to be the louder ones in the group. 955 01:01:56,420 --> 01:02:01,960 And then there's always like, there's just a lot of things I don't connect well with 956 01:02:01,960 --> 01:02:05,760 because I didn't have such a, like a woman growing up. 957 01:02:05,760 --> 01:02:12,720 Like I didn't, I had my mom, but she also was just like, she was also someone who I 958 01:02:12,720 --> 01:02:16,240 drank Monsters with and played Call of Duty with at night. 959 01:02:16,240 --> 01:02:21,340 So it wasn't even like, I didn't, she, I didn't learn makeup. 960 01:02:21,340 --> 01:02:22,600 I didn't learn hair. 961 01:02:22,600 --> 01:02:28,080 I didn't, not to be like stereotypical about like womanhood, but I didn't have, you know, 962 01:02:28,080 --> 01:02:30,840 a lot of that. 963 01:02:30,840 --> 01:02:34,980 And so it's hard for me sometimes to click with girls because of that. 964 01:02:34,980 --> 01:02:42,160 And so I noticed, I really don't know where I was going with this, but, but yeah, that's, 965 01:02:42,160 --> 01:02:43,160 that's that. 966 01:02:43,160 --> 01:02:48,720 So I was just like being around, you know, guys has just been a little easier just because 967 01:02:48,720 --> 01:02:53,240 I feel like, I think it was mostly because of this nerdy side, because they were the 968 01:02:53,240 --> 01:02:58,480 ones who, you know, I know, and I a hundred percent love the girls that are out there 969 01:02:58,480 --> 01:03:02,880 who are, you know, into all this stuff as well, because I'm friends with some of them 970 01:03:02,880 --> 01:03:07,880 now, but like in, in high school and stuff like that, no other girl was going to the 971 01:03:07,880 --> 01:03:12,800 movies with us to watch these and actually go there for that. 972 01:03:12,800 --> 01:03:17,000 If they went, they went with their boyfriends or they went and they'd be like, huh, what's 973 01:03:17,000 --> 01:03:18,000 going on? 974 01:03:18,000 --> 01:03:19,000 This isn't for me. 975 01:03:19,000 --> 01:03:20,720 And I'd be like, that's totally chill. 976 01:03:20,720 --> 01:03:26,060 But also I was like, and I don't have any girl to talk to about these things. 977 01:03:26,060 --> 01:03:30,000 Because when it was sleepovers, it was just like, Oh, this boy. 978 01:03:30,000 --> 01:03:32,600 And it's like, I loved doing that too. 979 01:03:32,600 --> 01:03:33,720 Don't get me wrong. 980 01:03:33,720 --> 01:03:39,320 But then if I wanted to bring up something that I liked, I wasn't met with anything back. 981 01:03:39,320 --> 01:03:40,320 Yeah. 982 01:03:40,320 --> 01:03:41,520 I totally get that. 983 01:03:41,520 --> 01:03:42,520 It's funny. 984 01:03:42,520 --> 01:03:46,240 Like it was the reason I ended up marrying my wife, which she's very similar. 985 01:03:46,240

--> 01:03:54,280 But you know, she, she is like a massive Taylor Swift fan and wasn't really particularly a 986 01:03:54,280 --> 01:04:00,960 girly girl, didn't really fit in liked nerdy things. 987 01:04:00,960 --> 01:04:07,280 Had a particular like different upbringing and was just like a film lover. 988 01:04:07,280 --> 01:04:09,680 And I think that really kind of alienates you. 989 01:04:09,680 --> 01:04:15,160 It's just, you know, cause we're like, you want, like, she was never interested in talking 990 01:04:15,160 --> 01:04:17,000 about boys in school either. 991 01:04:17,000 --> 01:04:25,160 And I just think there's always that like sense of connection that we don't want. 992 01:04:25,160 --> 01:04:29,160 And it's really interesting because I think, you know, like I get that worry, like I get 993 01:04:29,160 --> 01:04:34,280 that sort of like trepidation, but I think I can also see when I'm like, Oh, I can definitely 994 01:04:34,280 --> 01:04:35,880 get along with this person in real life. 995 01:04:35,880 --> 01:04:42,640 And I know that even being online and in real life that friendship's going to last because 996 01:04:42,640 --> 01:04:48,640 there's always ones that I think it's come from like growing up with friends who have 997 01:04:48,640 --> 01:04:53,280 moved away and seeing that friendship dissipate where it's like, I've started friendships 998 01:04:53,280 --> 01:04:54,620 from a long distance. 999 01:04:54,620 --> 01:05:00,680 And then when I see each other in real life, it's really nice and it does last. 1000 01:05:00,680 --> 01:05:02,600 You know, and it doesn't always happen. 1001 01:05:02,600 --> 01:05:09,640 Like it's not always like completely flawless, but I think like, you know, always are the 1002 01:05:09,640 --> 01:05:17,520 fact that you grew up in a military family and that you're surrounded with like brothers. 1003 01:05:17,520 --> 01:05:22,320 There's a lot of elements that you remind me of like one of my friends who's very much 1004 01:05:22,320 --> 01:05:23,320 the same. 1005 01:05:23,320 --> 01:05:29,600 She was the only daughter in a group of boys and it was very like, she just kind of gravitated 1006 01:05:29,600 --> 01:05:33,120 towards male friends because that was what she knew. 1007 01:05:33,120 --> 01:05:37,200 And then like when she does have a few female friends, but you know, like it was just one 1008 01:05:37,200 --> 01:05:44,440 of those things that I think like you gravitate towards and makes you feel at home, but it's 1009 01:05:44,440 --> 01:05:45,440 interesting. 1010 01:05:45,440 --> 01:05:50,640 I mean, like, do you think that's where a lot of your anxiety and mental health like 1011 01:05:50,640 --> 01:05:53,320 worries have come from? 1012 01:05:53,320 --> 01:05:58,360 I definitely, yeah. 1013 01:05:58,360 --> 01:06:10,480 It's always, I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression back in 2019. 1014 01:06:10,480 --> 01:06:17,400 It was almost reassuring to get that and be like, oh, so that's why I feel like this. 1015 01:06:17,400 --> 01:06:23,920 And I was on some medication for a while, but then I was on anxiety meds and then for 1016 01:06:23,920 --> 01:06:30,000 like a few months and then COVID hit and that was basically like, that was like, oh, no 1017 01:06:30,000 --> 01:06:31,000 one can leave. 1018 01:06:31,000 --> 01:06:32,000 Everybody has to stay inside. 1019 01:06:32,000 --> 01:06:37,080 So I was like, well, most of my anxiety stuff is gone because I'm just, you know, chilling 1020 01:06:37,080 --> 01:06:40,480 having coffee with mom every day and not having to do anything. 1021 01:06:40,480 --> 01:06:44,320 So I stopped taking my meds after that. 1022 01:06:44,320 --> 01:06:51,480 And I don't think, I feel like lately I've been better than I have been with it. 1023 01:06:51,480 --> 01:06:57,160 It's not as, I deal with anxiety, definitely the same. 1024 01:06:57,160 --> 01:07:03,680 It's become a little bit more situational now, but depression I still get every once 1025 01:07:03,680 --> 01:07:04,680 in a while. 1026 01:07:04,680 --> 01:07:05,680 I have like deep episodes. 1027 01:07:05,680 --> 01:07:12,280 I think it was always, it was just kind of, I think with the guy friends and stuff, it 1028 01:07:12,280 --> 01:07:14,240 did feel lonely. 1029 01:07:14,240 --> 01:07:19,720 I would always see girlfriends, you know, have their best friends and have their things 1030 01:07:19,720 --> 01:07:23,080 together and I'm like, ah, I want that so bad. 1031 01:07:23,080 --> 01:07:27,760 And I had that a little bit here and then I screwed that up. 1032 01:07:27,760 --> 01:07:35,120 Like I had two friends here and then the whole situation ship things started to happen and 1033 01:07:35,120 --> 01:07:38,120 that tore apart those friendships. 1034 01:07:38,120 --> 01:07:41,000 And it was just, it was, it sucked. 1035 01:07:41,000 --> 01:07:48,420 But a lot of times being like a girl in a guy's like environment can go like one of 1036 01:07:48,420 --> 01:07:49,420 two ways. 1037 01:07:49,420 --> 01:07:55,200 You can either be the girl who, you know, they give a lot of the attention to and they 1038 01:07:55,200 --> 01:08:00,800 all want to like put their focus on and you know, that's the only girl or you become their 1039 01:08:00,800 --> 01:08:03,440 sister. 1040 01:08:03,440 --> 01:08:08,960 And sometimes it has good days where you're like, oh, I'm the girl in the group. 1041 01:08:08,960 --> 01:08:16,120 They're a little protective, you know, they're, you know, it can be like that, but I feel 1042 01:08:16,120 --> 01:08:22,800 like a lot of the times with me, I'm just another one of the guys where I'm not necessarily, 1043 01:08:22,800 --> 01:08:28,200 it's hard to explain because I'm a part of that, but I'm not, I'm not one of the boys. 1044 01:08:28,200 --> 01:08:32,760 But I'm also not, you know, but I'm also just kind of like, oh yeah, Leah's here. 1045 01:08:32,760 --> 01:08:36,480 Oh yeah, she's, you know, she'll,

she'll hand it this, but I'm not the one though. 1046 01:08:36,480 --> 01:08:41,120 Like, I'm not the one they're going to like gossip to or talk to like that. 1047 01:08:41,120 --> 01:08:45,520 I'm there strictly just like, it depends on the group. 1048 01:08:45,520 --> 01:08:49,940 I feel like one-on-one with a lot of these, you know, friends I have are great. 1049 01:08:49,940 --> 01:08:51,360 And I have some like best friends. 1050 01:08:51,360 --> 01:08:55,940 And when I'm in like certain groups with just a few of them, I feel seen. 1051 01:08:55,940 --> 01:09:01,540 But I, when I'm in like this like bigger group, because I've been in these, I've been friends 1052 01:09:01,540 --> 01:09:04,380 with them for so, so, so long. 1053 01:09:04,380 --> 01:09:10,400 I just am just like there, you know, there's no like, that's where I start to like contemplate 1054 01:09:10,400 --> 01:09:13,960 and get anxious about like my importance and my worth. 1055 01:09:13,960 --> 01:09:18,480 And I'm like, if I was here or if I wasn't here, it doesn't matter. 1056 01:09:18,480 --> 01:09:21,660 Like I'd start to think that about myself. 1057 01:09:21,660 --> 01:09:25,560 Because I'll tell you the most stereotypical thing that had just recently happened when 1058 01:09:25,560 --> 01:09:30,880 we went to Jersey to go shoot one of our friends short. 1059 01:09:30,880 --> 01:09:33,400 I wasn't necessarily needed there, but it was fun. 1060 01:09:33,400 --> 01:09:36,780 You know, we were all going to hang out, have a sleepover at this, you know, house for the 1061 01:09:36,780 --> 01:09:38,240 weekend and shoot a film. 1062 01:09:38,240 --> 01:09:39,720 It was fun. 1063 01:09:39,720 --> 01:09:40,720 And I loved it. 1064 01:09:40,720 --> 01:09:45,720 But also I cooked breakfast and I cooked dinner. 1065 01:09:45,720 --> 01:09:47,920 I would cook breakfast again. 1066 01:09:47,920 --> 01:09:53,240 And then the, like my best friend, the guy that I'm with like right now, he was like, 1067 01:09:53,240 --> 01:09:55,440 I see what you're doing and I hate this for you. 1068 01:09:55,440 --> 01:09:57,040 Please just go sit and relax. 1069 01:09:57,040 --> 01:09:58,040 Let me cook dinner. 1070 01:09:58,040 --> 01:10:00,920 And I was like, thank you. 1071 01:10:00,920 --> 01:10:06,840 Because it immediately turned into Mama Leah, which sometimes I find fun. 1072 01:10:06,840 --> 01:10:09,600 And sometimes I'm like, yeah, I take care of my boys. 1073 01:10:09,600 --> 01:10:14,920 But also I'm like, man, is that what I'm really here for? 1074 01:10:14,920 --> 01:10:19,740 It's still like one of the, like this group is still amazing. 1075 01:10:19,740 --> 01:10:25,400 And I still like appreciate and love them a lot because they have gotten me so far in 1076 01:10:25,400 --> 01:10:28,400 life and they have pushed me and they're still there for me. 1077 01:10:28,400 --> 01:10:32,520 And I have like, again, like I said, once it becomes a big group, you know, it's a little 1078 01:10:32,520 --> 01:10:33,520 harder. 1079 01:10:33,520 --> 01:10:37,960 But I've got my select few that I've been friends with since like, I'm 26 now. 1080 01:10:37,960 --> 01:10:40,600 I've been friends with them since I was like 19. 1081 01:10:40,600 --> 01:10:45,960 Some of them, they were like 15, you know, it was all through online and they were just 1082 01:10:45,960 --> 01:10:51,720 like just friends who were like, we'd play like Fortnite every once in a while or we'd 1083 01:10:51,720 --> 01:10:54,520 or I would like chat with them every once in a while. 1084 01:10:54,520 --> 01:10:58,280 We'd have like group FaceTimes and just, it was just fun up until. 1085 01:10:58,280 --> 01:11:04,640 And then I moved to New York City for most of them because a few of them, like I moved 1086 01:11:04,640 --> 01:11:09,680 out here for school, but I met my best friend. 1087 01:11:09,680 --> 01:11:15,960 He had gone to film school and I was like, oh, because I was going to school for nursing. 1088 01:11:15,960 --> 01:11:20,800 I forgot I didn't, I didn't say that yet, but I went to school for like nursing and 1089 01:11:20,800 --> 01:11:25,320 I was like, it was so stereotypical of me to like get out of high school, go to college. 1090 01:11:25,320 --> 01:11:26,720 I was going to go to nursing. 1091 01:11:26,720 --> 01:11:27,720 I was going to have that life. 1092 01:11:27,720 --> 01:11:30,920 And I was like, this is not what I want to do. 1093 01:11:30,920 --> 01:11:32,960 I want to make movies. 1094 01:11:32,960 --> 01:11:36,280 And I found, you know, my friends did that here. 1095 01:11:36,280 --> 01:11:43,080 And so I moved out for school and I had the safety net of knowing I had friends out here 1096 01:11:43,080 --> 01:11:45,120 and it was, it's great. 1097 01:11:45,120 --> 01:11:49,280 And I still, I love it because now I know that it's been a minute. 1098 01:11:49,280 --> 01:11:55,240 I feel like it's taken me a while to really kickstart anything, but now I'm finally like 1099 01:11:55,240 --> 01:12:00,800 taking really good production classes, finally making my first short, things like that. 1100 01:12:00,800 --> 01:12:03,480 And I've had it with all of their help. 1101 01:12:03,480 --> 01:12:05,920 And so it's been, you know, really beneficial. 1102 01:12:05,920 --> 01:12:10,160 It's just sometimes, you know, you get, you're at the, you're a girl, you have those, you 1103 01:12:10,160 --> 01:12:14,760 know, you have those thoughts in your head where you're like, nah, if I was a boy, you 1104 01:12:14,760 --> 01:12:17,840 know, I'd be definitely seen different in this friend group. 1105 01:12:17,840 --> 01:12:18,840 Yeah. 1106 01:12:18,840 --> 01:12:22,560 I mean, like, does that come across in like things that you want to make as well? 1107 01:12:22,560 --> 01:12:24,080 Like in terms of stories you want to tell? 1108 01:12:24,080 --> 01:12:25,960 I think a little bit. 1109 01:12:25,960 --> 01:12:28,400 My first short, I'll do a little plug

here. 1110 01:12:28,400 --> 01:12:29,680 My first short is called Anna. 1111 01:12:29,680 --> 01:12:33,240 It's on my YouTube channel and on my Instagram. 1112 01:12:33,240 --> 01:12:35,840 And it is, it's just like a minute and a half long. 1113 01:12:35,840 --> 01:12:37,680 It's not long at all. 1114 01:12:37,680 --> 01:12:46,520 It is a little short about this feeling like you are alone, even though you are surrounded 1115 01:12:46,520 --> 01:12:47,600 by people. 1116 01:12:47,600 --> 01:12:50,240 It's like, I'm sure a lot of people could like relate to it. 1117 01:12:50,240 --> 01:12:53,860 If you've ever been in a crowd or you've been around a group of friends, but there's always 1118 01:12:53,860 --> 01:12:56,280 something of you that just feels like I'm still alone. 1119 01:12:56,280 --> 01:12:58,960 Like I don't have that. 1120 01:12:58,960 --> 01:12:59,960 It plays on that. 1121 01:12:59,960 --> 01:13:07,040 And it also plays a little bit on like wanting to be independent and thinking that's what 1122 01:13:07,040 --> 01:13:09,440 you want and feel like that's where you're going to strive. 1123 01:13:09,440 --> 01:13:12,560 But deep down you want those deep connections. 1124 01:13:12,560 --> 01:13:18,840 So like I have Anna who's like sitting at a picnic or a coffee table and she notices 1125 01:13:18,840 --> 01:13:22,120 these two best friend girls, these two girl best friends. 1126 01:13:22,120 --> 01:13:23,120 So yeah, wait a minute. 1127 01:13:23,120 --> 01:13:26,560 I guess this does definitely play into my shorts because she looks up these two best 1128 01:13:26,560 --> 01:13:28,120 friends. 1129 01:13:28,120 --> 01:13:33,360 They're laughing and they're giggling and they're being girls and she kind of like smiles 1130 01:13:33,360 --> 01:13:35,320 and she's like, that's cute. 1131 01:13:35,320 --> 01:13:37,920 But also, wow, I wish I had that. 1132 01:13:37,920 --> 01:13:43,760 And then she hears like this laughter behind her and she turns around and it's this couple, 1133 01:13:43,760 --> 01:13:44,960 this guy and a girl. 1134 01:13:44,960 --> 01:13:48,760 And they're like super romantic and cute and kissy and stuff like that. 1135 01:13:48,760 --> 01:13:53,600 And then this is where she like turns back and she starts to freak out. 1136 01:13:53,600 --> 01:13:59,720 And she's like, oh my God, like this is not, being alone isn't what I want. 1137 01:13:59,720 --> 01:14:01,040 I don't want this independence. 1138 01:14:01,040 --> 01:14:02,160 I want that best friend. 1139 01:14:02,160 --> 01:14:04,120 I want that relationship. 1140 01:14:04,120 --> 01:14:06,760 And then a little bit of a spoiler alert. 1141 01:14:06,760 --> 01:14:09,680 She's in this minute of a panic and then she wakes up. 1142 01:14:09,680 --> 01:14:14,760 She snapped out of a dissociative state and she's surrounded by all those people. 1143 01:14:14,760 --> 01:14:18,920 She's at this one table with all like the two girls are there, the couple is there and 1144 01:14:18,920 --> 01:14:22,100 the guy is like, he's like, Anna, come on, let's go. 1145 01:14:22,100 --> 01:14:24,080 And then they all start to get up from the table, walk away. 1146 01:14:24,080 --> 01:14:28,280 But she's struggling to get up and walk away with them. 1147 01:14:28,280 --> 01:14:33,280 So there's a lot in there that's not very subtle. 1148 01:14:33,280 --> 01:14:37,720 It's kind of pretty much in your face of like, yeah, this is kind of how I feel. 1149 01:14:37,720 --> 01:14:43,900 This is very much, I feel like I'm surrounded sometimes. 1150 01:14:43,900 --> 01:14:47,180 This is not like how I feel all the time, but it's always been like, it's transferred 1151 01:14:47,180 --> 01:14:52,040 from high school to now where I'm like, I've always been in these bigger groups. 1152 01:14:52,040 --> 01:14:55,480 Of friends, I've always had like big cliques. 1153 01:14:55,480 --> 01:15:01,840 And it's always like, when you have that sometimes you start to blend in and you lose a little 1154 01:15:01,840 --> 01:15:06,360 bit of like, you don't stand out as much. 1155 01:15:06,360 --> 01:15:07,840 And that's what I want. 1156 01:15:07,840 --> 01:15:13,520 I want to be someone who like, I want to be the one that makes people laugh. 1157 01:15:13,520 --> 01:15:20,600 I want to be the one that people go to for advice and just things like that. 1158 01:15:20,600 --> 01:15:25,960 So when you're surrounded by such big group, you kind of lose some of this. 1159 01:15:25,960 --> 01:15:30,600 And so she's alone in this feeling. 1160 01:15:30,600 --> 01:15:33,620 Like she's around people, but she still feels pretty alone. 1161 01:15:33,620 --> 01:15:41,360 And she craves nothing more than just this one-on-one like connection with people. 1162 01:15:41,360 --> 01:15:42,560 I love that. 1163 01:15:42,560 --> 01:15:43,560 I just love that. 1164 01:15:43,560 --> 01:15:49,620 I think that's a really like, you know, a poignant story. 1165 01:15:49,620 --> 01:15:58,280 And it just like, I mean, my real question also is like, I guess for you, you know, where 1166 01:15:58,280 --> 01:16:01,040 do you see that part of your career going in the next five years? 1167 01:16:01,040 --> 01:16:03,560 Like, where's that going for you? 1168 01:16:03,560 --> 01:16:08,120 I want to start by like continuing to like make, I want to build up. 1169 01:16:08,120 --> 01:16:13,280 I have like ideas for little shorts here and there that start to big up or start to build 1170 01:16:13,280 --> 01:16:17,600 up to a bigger short, to like a full 20 minute thing. 1171 01:16:17,600 --> 01:16:22,320 And eventually opening to, you know, once I have all this practice and once I start 1172 01:16:22,320 --> 01:16:24,920 to get like, I'll have an idea for a feature film. 1173 01:16:24,920 --> 01:16:29,240 I've definitely had ideas of like this situationship that I'm going through right now. 1174 01:16:29,240 --> 01:16:33,960 It's given me a lot of material for like a feature movie that I'd

definitely have seen 1175 01:16:33,960 --> 01:16:34,960 playing in my head. 1176 01:16:34,960 --> 01:16:40,880 Or, you know, I have this idea of trying to make like these best friends, this trio. 1177 01:16:40,880 --> 01:16:43,940 I want to make like a movie about a trio of girls. 1178 01:16:43,940 --> 01:16:48,480 And what about the one that doesn't connect with either of them? 1179 01:16:48,480 --> 01:16:50,040 Just little things. 1180 01:16:50,040 --> 01:16:55,400 And so five years, I'm not entirely sure because I've noticed one thing, time goes by hella 1181 01:16:55,400 --> 01:16:56,600 fast. 1182 01:16:56,600 --> 01:17:03,320 So it's, well, hopefully, I feel like in the past year, I've been kickstarting a lot more. 1183 01:17:03,320 --> 01:17:09,020 So right now my goal is just to continue to make, make, make, and just try to pump out 1184 01:17:09,020 --> 01:17:12,720 as much as I can start building up a reel of sorts. 1185 01:17:12,720 --> 01:17:17,200 And then I guess like I've noticed the easiest way right now to get into the industry is 1186 01:17:17,200 --> 01:17:23,320 to, you know, start your work as a PA, kind of get your foot in the door type of a deal. 1187 01:17:23,320 --> 01:17:29,280 And I want to one day have enough together to where if someone's like, what do you, what 1188 01:17:29,280 --> 01:17:30,280 do you do? 1189 01:17:30,280 --> 01:17:33,400 What do you like to shoot? 1190 01:17:33,400 --> 01:17:34,400 What's your visuals like? 1191 01:17:34,400 --> 01:17:38,800 And I'll be like, here, this is my cinematography reel. 1192 01:17:38,800 --> 01:17:41,440 Like this is me. 1193 01:17:41,440 --> 01:17:46,360 And hopefully like, you know, just enough to where I can build up a little bit about 1194 01:17:46,360 --> 01:17:52,160 who I am and then hopefully get my foot in the door. 1195 01:17:52,160 --> 01:17:57,000 Hopefully someday I'm doing a little bit of everything where I'm like, I'm trying to DP 1196 01:17:57,000 --> 01:17:58,000 things. 1197 01:17:58,000 --> 01:18:01,280 It's a little hard when I'm around people who are a lot more experienced than I am. 1198 01:18:01,280 --> 01:18:03,680 And so they're the ones that they go to. 1199 01:18:03,680 --> 01:18:06,200 But I want to practice a little bit more with that. 1200 01:18:06,200 --> 01:18:10,120 I am, I've been doing a little bit more acting in a lot of my friends stuff. 1201 01:18:10,120 --> 01:18:13,280 So I want to get like stuff like that under the, under my belt. 1202 01:18:13,280 --> 01:18:15,360 Cause I really like to do that. 1203 01:18:15,360 --> 01:18:19,700 And I don't know, I'm all right now I'm focusing on my screenwriting class. 1204 01:18:19,700 --> 01:18:25,320 So I'm really trying to work on my writing skills, which I'm terrible at. 1205 01:18:25,320 --> 01:18:30,720 So definitely trying to like build up my skills in that and hopefully just, you know, see 1206 01:18:30,720 --> 01:18:31,720 where that takes me. 1207 01:18:31,720 --> 01:18:36,200 I want

to make, you know, obviously a feature at one point and we'll see, we'll see how 1208 01:18:36,200 --> 01:18:38,560 long that takes. 1209 01:18:38,560 --> 01:18:43,240 Well, I'd love to read or see or shoot me anything. 1210 01:18:43,240 --> 01:18:45,560 I love, I love watching stuff. 1211 01:18:45,560 --> 01:18:46,640 Please do. 1212 01:18:46,640 --> 01:18:48,160 Please do shoot me script ideas. 1213 01:18:48,160 --> 01:18:52,800 I'd love to, I'd love to collaborate on something with you. 1214 01:18:52,800 --> 01:18:55,800 I would think that would be the bee's knees, honestly. 1215 01:18:55,800 --> 01:18:57,160 That'd be so fun. 1216 01:18:57,160 --> 01:18:58,160 That'd be so fun. 1217 01:18:58,160 --> 01:19:02,480 Um, but, oh my God, I got so many ideas. 1218 01:19:02,480 --> 01:19:06,320 Just cause, just cause you're such a genuinely awesome person. 1219 01:19:06,320 --> 01:19:10,480 I'm just like, I could, I could literally just sit here forever listening to you. 1220 01:19:10,480 --> 01:19:11,480 Thank you. 1221 01:19:11,480 --> 01:19:15,600 I'm gonna, I'm gonna, you know, I'm going to wrap this up, but I just, yeah, I could 1222 01:19:15,600 --> 01:19:17,920 listen to you for honestly forever. 1223 01:19:17,920 --> 01:19:21,320 Um, Leah, where can people find you on the internet though? 1224 01:19:21,320 --> 01:19:22,560 Where can they stalk you? 1225 01:19:22,560 --> 01:19:26,720 So the biggest place where I like to go, I'm a big Instagram, like I love it. 1226 01:19:26,720 --> 01:19:30,640 So you can find me at Leah Nicky 97. 1227 01:19:30,640 --> 01:19:32,000 That's my handle on that. 1228 01:19:32,000 --> 01:19:36,600 And then on YouTube, I'm just under Leah Nicole. 1229 01:19:36,600 --> 01:19:42,000 So that's my, that's my, most of the time when you type in Leah Nicole, I have, um, 1230 01:19:42,000 --> 01:19:44,640 I'm at the top, I think. 1231 01:19:44,640 --> 01:19:50,400 And my Avengers end game, if you see Avengers end game reaction, or you see anything with 1232 01:19:50,400 --> 01:19:52,800 Leah Nicole reaction, that's me. 1233 01:19:52,800 --> 01:19:57,440 Um, because my end, my end game one is what got like mostly people to notice. 1234 01:19:57,440 --> 01:19:59,320 Cause that got the million views. 1235 01:19:59,320 --> 01:20:03,440 Uh, so that's probably where you're going to find me on YouTube. 1236 01:20:03,440 --> 01:20:09,320 If you just see that type that, but Leah Nicole or Instagram, Leah Nicky 97, but those are 1237 01:20:09,320 --> 01:20:14,320 pretty much, um, I'm on Tik Tok a little bit, but I don't really, I don't post Tik Tok. 1238 01:20:14,320 --> 01:20:17,360 I'm just on there for, you know, the endless scrolling. 1239 01:20:17,360 --> 01:20:19,160 My handles the same as my Instagram. 1240 01:20:19,160 --> 01:20:20,160 I love that. 1241 01:20:20,160 --> 01:20:21,960 Um, I hope you've had fun. 1242 01:20:21,960 --> 01:20:23,760 I've enjoyed this, darling. 1243 01:20:23,760 --> 01:20:24,760 This is fun. 1244 01:20:24,760 --> 01:20:25,760 I like, I love podcasts. 1245 01:20:25,760 --> 01:20:27,160 I didn't realize I'm on today. 1246 01:20:27,160 --> 01:20:28,160 Enjoy this. 1247 01:20:28,160 --> 01:20:29,160 I'm so glad. 1248 01:20:29,160 --> 01:20:30,560 Um, always welcome back. 1249 01:20:30,560 --> 01:20:31,960 Please, please do come back. 1250 01:20:31,960 --> 01:20:36,560 And I can't wait to visit you cause I'm going to annoy you now. 1251 01:20:36,560 --> 01:20:37,560 Yes. 1252 01:20:37,560 --> 01:20:39,600 Um, yes, you are, you're stuck with me. 1253 01:20:39,600 --> 01:20:43,400 So I hope you know that this is like friendship. 1254 01:20:43,400 --> 01:20:46,080 I know we're like this. 1255 01:20:46,080 --> 01:20:47,080 Like we did it. 1256 01:20:47,080 --> 01:20:48,080 We're adulting. 1257 01:20:48,080 --> 01:20:49,080 I did it. 1258 01:20:49,080 --> 01:20:50,080 It's a big step for us. 1259 01:20:50,080 --> 01:20:51,080 I know it's so great. 1260 01:20:51,080 --> 01:20:54,080 Um, but thank you so much for joining me. 1261 01:20:54,080 --> 01:21:00,760 And if you want to go and check out more episodes of the things we do, you can check them out 1262 01:21:00,760 --> 01:21:01,760 Apple and Spotify. 1263 01:21:01,760 --> 01:21:04,760 I'll be speaking with another guest next week and I'll speak to you later. 1264 01:21:04,760 --> 01:21:05,760 Goodbye. 1265 01:21:05,760 --> 01:21:25,000 I'm Bob Wimbledon, see you guys soon.