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Tonight is the first night in well over a decade that I'm truly by myself.
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And what better way to fill that void than by starting a new podcast?
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Welcome to the first episode of Refill.
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And yes, for those of you who are familiar, this might sound kind of similar to a previous podcast that I hosted, but we'll get into why it's not the same thing and what's going on in my life, some updates, and you know, like what's what's going to be coming up going forward.
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With that, welcome to my midlife crisis.
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For those of you who don't know me, my name is Justin Tyler.
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I'm 36 years old, a parent, dog owner, working creative, single.
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Yes, I said single.
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We will get into that in a minute.
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That's the basis of how I've defined myself for such a long time.
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Who the fuck am I now?
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So, what is refill?
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Uh, this isn't a self-help podcast.
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Um, I I'm obviously I'm not an expert on on anything to do with bettering yourself.
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Uh I'm just trying to to help my own self right now.
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Um, this is a podcast about rebuilding, it's about healing, it's about discovery.
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And just like the title would suggest, it's about refilling your life.
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You know, what happens when life changes shape?
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How do you figure out how to refill your cup when it feels emptier than it used to?
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For a while now, uh, refill to me has just been about getting through the day and getting to the next.
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But I'm at a point where I'm I'm taking steps to finally move forward.
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And this is gonna kind of document that that rediscovery and how I approach that, how I'm trying new things, how I'm rebuilding who, not only who I am, but who I want to be.
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And I promise you, this this podcast is not gonna be um a bummer.
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It's not for me to air my dirty laundry, it's not for me to you know throw shade at anyone or anything like that.
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This this first episode in particular, though, I'm sitting by myself in sort of a hard place.
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And in the past, when I've felt like this, I turn to my creative side.
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I turn to using this as a as a means to kind of capture that that moment and where I am and really using it to to find clarity and where I need to be going.
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So that's what we're doing.
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So if you can bear with me for this very, very, very rough first episode where honestly, right now, I'm just I'm sitting on a couch in a new apartment by myself.
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Okay, well, not not completely by myself.
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My dog Finn is here next to me.
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He's also in his fields right now, though.
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So, you know, we're we're both going through some stuff, and he's gonna sit here and be my emotional support dog while I uh record this podcast.
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I'm gonna be petting him, and you know, like that's comforting to him too.
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I'm gonna be his emotional support human.
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At least I serve a purpose.
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So why am I alone?
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Well, to give you the short of it, um, my wife and I are separating, and I'm I'm not I'm not here to air dirty laundry.
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I'm not gonna give you the details of of why.
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This is more about, you know, like what I do with myself and my my my kids and my life going forward.
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Uh so if you if you want the the tea, you're gonna have to buy me a drink.
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So this past Friday, uh I'm I moved into uh my own place, and at the the time of recording this, it's Sunday evening.
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Um for that first weekend, I was moving everything in.
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Um, and the kids, they stayed with me.
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So uh we have a we have a schedule figured out already uh with with how we're gonna go about this.
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And um this move-in weekend just happened to align with what we were trying to do with the kids.
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So they've been here with me all weekend, and I it's it's it was much needed.
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Um, I think that some of what I'm feeling tonight would have hit me a lot sooner, uh, if not if not for that distraction.
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But again, it's it's Sunday evening uh earlier tonight.
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I I had to drop them back off at their mom's house for the first time in all of this, and I didn't know how hard that was going to hit.
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I I mean I I knew it would be it would be rough.
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You know, I I said goodbye to them and I left them in my my old home.
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And that that really that sit really heavy.
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After I dropped them off, I ran to the grocery store uh with the intention of uh you know just getting a couple of things that I needed and mostly to make sure that I was cooking dinner for myself.
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I found myself just kind of walking around the store for a long time with no real goal in mind.
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Load full transcript
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Like I wasn't going anywhere, I was just going up and down aisles and killing time.
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And I I realized I was avoiding going back to my apartment.
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From the time that I moved in, you know, somebody was here with me at all times.
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Like it felt filled.
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And then after I dropped them off, I realized I'm gonna be going home to an empty house.
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And I think that that realization kind of slowly crept in.
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I hadn't really thought too much about that.
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I I I kind of like mustered up enough strength to like, okay, I'm gonna get what I need from the store.
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I'm gonna get out of here, I'm gonna go home.
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Um, I've got my dog waiting for me.
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He's probably, you know, he's he's sad too.
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Uh there's a lot of changes going on for him as well.
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Um, you know, he's pretty close with the kids and they're not gonna be here all the time.
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Not only that, but our other dog, Lizzie, is staying with my wife and he hasn't seen her all weekend.
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And I don't think he's ever really been away from her since the time he was a small puppy.
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You know, even when we travel out of town or go somewhere and they get boarded, like they're always together.
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So that's hard for him as well.
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Uh, but yeah, I wanted to, I wanted to get home and make sure that he was okay and you know, not be having such a public breakdown, I guess.
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Um, at least be where I I felt comfortable to to go through whatever it was that I needed to go through.
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Um, I mean, even pulling into the house, uh, I've got a so I say apartment, but it's a town home.
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I do I have a garage on the back of it.
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I I pulled in and I I still could I couldn't tur get myself to turn the car off and walk inside because I knew that there wasn't going to be anybody there to greet me.
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And that was it was just hard.
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Um I wrestled with that for a bit.
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I finally got inside, you know, like let Finn out of his kennel, and I just collapsed on my kitchen floor.
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I I didn't start cooking my dinner, I didn't start putting I didn't even put things away.
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I just collapsed there and sat on the ground.
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Finn got up in my lap and I just had a had the first, I guess, good cry that I had had in a while, um, just sitting there petting my dog, and I was in no rush to to do
anything else.
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So I took my time and uh you know it helped a lot, but I was I was missing my kids, I was missing my home, and for a moment there I you know I was worried that I wasn't in the right place, but I let myself feel that, and I you know, I eventually got the strength to get up, put my groceries away, I took Finn for a short walk, I cooked myself dinner, which is a weird thing, by the way.
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Like I am so used to cooking for a family.
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The thought of cooking a portion for a single person is such a foreign thing to me.
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I mean, even when I do cook for myself, typically I overcook because someone's gonna eat leftovers.
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Like, I'm not not looking to feed in an army right now.
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So it was a strange it was a strange thing.
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Yeah, I I I cooked dinner, I cleaned up, and you know, I I'm really I'm determined to kind of keep bad habits behind me and start building anew.
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And a lot of that is just you know, I I said that I had gone to the grocery store to get stuff to cook myself dinner.
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I almost gave up even before that point.
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When I when I left my old home and I left my kids there, I just I you know I I hadn't really eaten anything and I was hungry and I knew that I needed to eat.
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I almost stopped and just got McDonald's.
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Even though I knew that I would regret that, I knew that I didn't want that.
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I actually pulled into the McDonald's parking lot and I was I had to tell myself, like, what the fuck are you doing?
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You are going through this major life change.
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You have been so determined to do things differently, to reset yourself, to build better habits, to be the best version of yourself that you can be.
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And you're pulling into a McDonald's, taking the easy route just because you are feeling too much in this moment to go home and cook.
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So I left and I went and got groceries, and I already told you that.
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But eventually I do make it home.
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I do cook for myself.
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It was fucking weird, but it was also delicious.
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As I finished eating, you know, I went and sat on the couch with my dog, and I turned the TV on, thinking like, oh, maybe I'll I'll fill the rest of the night with watching some TV.
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And I got about four minutes into a show that I'd been putting off watching that I've been wanting to.
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And I just I I was my mind was elsewhere.
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I couldn't focus on it.
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It's not what I wanted to be doing.
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So I started getting into all of the shit that I haven't unpacked, got the mic out, and you know, here we are.
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I've been planning on relaunching this podcast.
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Oh, I say relaunch, this is a premiere, um, but it is kind of a spiritual successor to my previous podcast, Cupful, uh, which was all about fulfillment and filling your cup.
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This is this is us doing what we have to to refill.
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This is about survival.
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This is about just really polishing yourself.
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But you know, now now that I've kind of given myself this time to to to feel that little pity party and um struggle to, you know, do the next thing that I need to do.
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I'm looking back on this weekend and I mean it wasn't all bad.
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Like I I had a great time with my kids.
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I I love getting one-on-one time with them.
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And I didn't have to worry so much about what everybody else wanted to do, or um, I kind of just said, like, hey kids, like let's let's go do this, and we would do that.
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And um, you know, it kind of gave me a little a little taste of you know, like what living where I am is potentially gonna be like.
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Earlier today, we got Finn uh all leashed up and we took him for a long walk.
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And what's nice about the place that I'm at is it is walkable into the downtown area of where I live, and I've never really had that before.
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Finn's never really had this before.
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We we take him on the occasional walk, but for whatever reason, around our neighborhood, especially when we're walking both dogs, he's awful at walking.
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So I I was hesitant to do that, but we did it.
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We we took him out, took him for a long walk.
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We went through like a little nature trail that's right near my apartment, walked him into the downtown area.
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I was worried that he was gonna be barking at everybody that passed, but he was super just chill.
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The only time that we really had any issues with him, there was a little puppy that passed us that was started barking at him, so he reacted.
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Of and I was expecting that to happen.
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But overall, like it went great.
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Like the kids they they loved kind of getting to walk from home into our town, and um, they were talking about all the places that were around that we could walk to to like get dinners, to go get ice cream, uh, to just
play in the park, to do all these things.
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And I was starting to think, like, yeah, like we're gonna be able to do all of these things.
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Like, that's that's awesome.
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Like these are you know, they can this is different from you know, like what we would typically do maybe on a on a weekend, but this is not worse.
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Like, this is gonna be different, but it could potentially be better.
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So it was comforting to find those little joys this weekend again.
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It's not that I had a bad weekend, it was just different, and that's what I'm gonna have to get used to.
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But I think that there's an opportunity there for me to really make it something special, and that's what I'm aiming for.
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But that's where I am tonight.
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You know, I I dropped the kids off and I, you know, I realized I'm not just I'm not just adjusting to this new life, but I'm I'm learning how to exist in my own company again, which is such a weird concept, you know.
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For years and years and years, I've I've worked, I've been a husband, I've been a dad, I've been a homeowner, like I do all of these things for other people gladly.
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I I'm not complaining about that.
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Like I love being there for the people that I love.
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And that's not to say that I don't take time for myself too.
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Like, I I do things that I want to do, like, and I I play video games, I watch TV, I probably not painting the best picture of my life.
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It is strange realizing that you have to exist in your own company and be okay with that.
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And that's kind of where again I've I've been planning this podcast for a good while, but I just haven't had the energy to pull the trigger on it yet.
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And there's been so much going on in my life, like I just wasn't ready, and I kept postponing it, and I kept postponing it.
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Um, but I finally hit a point tonight where I was like, fuck it, let's let's do this.
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I I feel like I need someone to talk to.
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Who better than myself, and potentially anybody else that's listening to this.
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So I I feel like that that ties into the theme of this podcast pretty nicely.
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You know, I'm I'm figuring out who I am when nobody else is around.
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And and there's a difference between being alone and being lonely.
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Um, and I'm sure that I'm going to kind of experience both of those over and over again, especially for the next couple of weeks to months.
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Right now, I'm both.
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Like I've I've felt lonely for a while, but I've never been alone.
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I've always had my family there.
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And tonight, especially, like I'm I'm missing the kids so much.
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Like I am both physically alone and lonely.
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And that's okay.
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I just have to adjust and figure out what I do.
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Who am I?
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Imagine that this is an opportunity for me to build new habits and really just make a lot of the changes that I always talk about making, but I don't quite get around to.
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Um, so I think what's kind of cool about that is that you know not knowing what your habits are yet.
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Uh if you can put yourself in a situation where you almost break some of your old bad habits out of necessity, or I guess you know, you're not really given any any option but to break those habits, it does make it a little easier to to build new ones.
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And I'm figuring out what that is, but I think tonight I did I determined that, you know, even if it's just for myself, like cooking a little meal for just myself was a good habit, and better than me just feeling bad for myself and eating McDonald's to just give myself a quick, easy solution to something that has nothing to do with what I'm putting in my stomach.
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I think another thing, uh, which I'm nowhere close to being ready for this yet, but is it's it's building new routines.
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Um, obviously, I kind of got in a little bit of a flow with things over the weekend, but a lot of that was spent moving things from home to home, um, trying to just shower the kids with things to do and conversation so that they didn't feel as alone as I was worried that they would.
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Unpacking things, building furniture, going to the stores over and over again.
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Made so many target trips this weekend.
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But tomorrow is gonna be different.
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I I feel like it's gonna be the first day that I I'm really starting to grasp an actual routine that doesn't just revolve around getting moved in.
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I'm very thankful that I have a co-parent that wants the kids to be with me just as much as they are with her, and she understands the importance of having both parents and the kids' lives.
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And since I work remotely and, you know, she has to go in to work fairly early, uh, starting tomorrow, she's gonna be dropping the kids off in the mornings uh for me to kind of stick with their morning routine and like getting them to school and everything.
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So
there's aspects of my life that are gonna stay the same.
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They just might look a little different.
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But you know, getting them to school in the morning, uh work, uh going back to work tomorrow, that is gonna feel very different in a new location.
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We'll we'll see how it goes.
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I am thinking that I'm going to be overly productive tomorrow, like more so than usual.
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Not because I'm not productive typically, but just because like I'm I feel like I'm just gonna be like working my ass off to fill this void or to pass time or to kind of take my mind off of things and distract.
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So uh we'll see how it goes.
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Um, another thing that I have to kind of figure out is just like what is my routine with Finn, my dog?
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I mean, he is so used to just having a backyard that I can open a door and let him and him and Lizzie out into, and they they can just run around for as long as they want, and then they scratch the door to come back in.
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Can't do that anymore.
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I've got to walk him every time he needs to use the bathroom.
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And I don't just take him outside to use the bathroom.
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I mean, we've been doing pretty consistent walks all weekend, and I hope to keep that up throughout the week.
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Even when things get busy, I want to be intentional about making sure that uh this little fat ass is uh I'm talking about my dog, not me, but I could also, you know, probably lose a few pounds.
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Um, but that we're getting outside and and we're walking and not just staying in this apartment feeling sad because you know, our people aren't here.
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So I think I think that gives you enough context around kind of uh what's going on and and where I'm at in my life right now and kind of what the purpose of this podcast is.
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But now I want to focus on, you know, like what happens next, not just with the podcast, but with with my personal life.
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Like what are some of the things that I'm you know really looking to to focus on as of right now?
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It's spring, almost early summer time.
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Uh kids are gonna be out of school.
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Like I'm trying to figure out, like, obviously I'll have them for a lot of the time and I'll do lots of fun, crazy things with them, but what do I do when I don't have them aside from work?
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I had to to back out of a a trip to Europe this summer.
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And though I'm I doubt that I'm going to be going to Europe this summer, I think at the end of the summer I
would like to do some kind of domestic trip uh here in the US.
00:19:56.559 --> 00:19:58.240
Maybe go out west somewhere.
00:19:58.240 --> 00:19:59.599
I really want to see mountains.
00:19:59.599 --> 00:20:01.119
I would love to kayak.
00:20:01.119 --> 00:20:02.319
Uh that's another thing.
00:20:02.319 --> 00:20:17.839
Uh I've been I love kayaking, and for the last several years, like I've I keep talking about getting one for myself, but I I haven't done so because the logistics of that really do get hard when you've got multiple people multiple people in your family who also would like to do so.
00:20:17.839 --> 00:20:26.400
So, I mean, i if I if I have the opportunity to just get a kayak and take it out on the river by myself once in a while, why not do that?
00:20:26.400 --> 00:20:28.640
I think that's something that I would I would really love to do.
00:20:28.640 --> 00:20:31.279
And we'll talk about that more in a later episode.
00:20:31.279 --> 00:20:43.119
But also, um, you know, I'm I'm looking to to strengthen old friendships, people that, you know, maybe I haven't necessarily fallen out of contact with, but I I don't talk with them as much because, you know, life gets busy.
00:20:43.119 --> 00:20:48.079
But even though life is still going to be busy, I am gonna have more free time.
00:20:48.079 --> 00:20:55.440
And I would like to focus more on, you know, like rebuilding those friendships, but also building new ones, meeting new people.
00:20:55.440 --> 00:21:03.119
I'm not the most social person in the world, but I would like to kind of push myself to to do better.
00:21:03.119 --> 00:21:10.319
I also want to get back to doing things that I haven't made time for, like music, playing my guitar.
00:21:10.319 --> 00:21:19.440
Like that's I used to spend hours every single day just playing my guitar or singing or doing things like that, and I just don't anymore.
00:21:19.440 --> 00:21:21.440
And I don't know why I stopped.
00:21:21.440 --> 00:21:26.720
I really don't understand why I stopped, and I want to get back to it.
00:21:26.720 --> 00:21:34.799
I'm sure there's a lot of other lapsed hobbies or uh just interests of mine that I'll probably try to get back into.
00:21:34.799 --> 00:21:35.759
Who knows?
00:21:35.759 --> 00:21:54.480
Um, a big part of this podcast is getting people to talk with me about the things that they're into and how they've reshaped their life and changes they've gone through and maybe things they've discovered that they didn't think that they would have any interest in, but now it's a huge part of their life.
00:21:54.480 --> 00:21:57.200
I don't know, there's a lot of different directions that can go in.
00:21:57.200 --> 00:22:16.319
But going back to A common theme and something that I've I've brought up several times in this episode so far is you know like what do I actually enjoy when I'm choosing for myself when I don't have to worry about what the kids want to do, what I when I don't have to worry about what my wife wants to do, it's just me.
00:22:16.319 --> 00:22:17.839
What how do I want to spend that time?
00:22:17.839 --> 00:22:20.640
Do I want to sit here watching TV?
00:22:20.640 --> 00:22:24.240
Or do I want to fucking start a podcast?
00:22:24.240 --> 00:22:29.519
And I well, I mean obviously you see where where I went this this particular evening.
00:22:29.519 --> 00:22:34.960
Not every evening will probably end up this way, but I'd like to see what other things I fill that time with.
00:22:34.960 --> 00:22:40.240
And hopefully I can look back on it and and not have any regrets over how I chose to spend that time.
00:22:40.240 --> 00:22:44.880
But I I don't I don't want to take away from future episodes too much.
00:22:44.880 --> 00:22:53.599
Uh so we'll get into more details with with some of the things that I I would like to do later on as we talk with other people about what they're doing.
00:22:53.599 --> 00:23:06.319
I just really wanted to to use this as a starting point to to launch this, to put pressure on myself to to get back in the saddle, as they say, and fucking do the podcasting.
00:23:06.319 --> 00:23:16.640
So future episodes are gonna explore how other people refill their lives after change, and you'll get little little nuggets of my life in there as well.
00:23:16.640 --> 00:23:19.920
Again, I'm not going to spill a bunch of tea here.
00:23:19.920 --> 00:23:21.839
It's not the purpose of this podcast.
00:23:21.839 --> 00:23:26.559
If you want that, you have to buy me a drink, or seven of them.
00:23:26.559 --> 00:23:33.680
But we're gonna focus on conversations with friends, guests, maybe people that I haven't met before.
00:23:33.680 --> 00:23:38.559
And I don't know, people navigating reinvention in different ways.
00:23:38.559 --> 00:23:57.200
We'll probably talk about creativity, fatherhood, identity, friendships, routines, starting over, like I don't know, I have all these things in my mind that are very much tied to where my focus is, but I also want to hear about the shit that other people have going on and how that shaped what they're into.
00:23:57.200 --> 00:24:00.720
How that shaped how they fill their cup.
00:24:00.720 --> 00:24:05.119
Maybe it's something that they've they've lost and they're looking to refill it.
00:24:05.119 --> 00:24:17.119
You know, I I I don't I don't know exactly what this next season of my life looks like yet, but tonight I felt like the first small step toward finding out, and I'm excited to take that journey with you.
00:24:17.119 --> 00:24:19.759
Thank you for taking the time to listen to me.
00:24:19.759 --> 00:24:37.440
I'm really excited for what I I think that this podcast can be, and I'm looking forward to kind of just pushing myself out there and having these conversations and hopefully providing you with something that you want to listen to, or at least something that's good for killing some time and having on in the background.
00:24:37.440 --> 00:24:41.519
This has been the pilot episode of the Refill Podcast.
00:24:41.519 --> 00:24:43.279
I am your host, Justin Tyler.
00:24:43.279 --> 00:24:44.640
Thank you so much.