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You know, there's a few things I'm getting tired of hearing from women.
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I've heard women say, Oh, I only stayed in a relationship because of the kids.
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I grew up in a broken home.
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It's been 21 years.
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I left the relationship and I'm never going back.
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Or even things like, well, you know, I'm not perfect, so I can't expect my partner to be perfect.
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Logically, these things make sense, but ultimately, you have the power to change the direction of your life.
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You cannot get better until you believe you deserve better.
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If you're a woman who recently had a narcissistic breakup, check out the F Then workbook.
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Over the past two years, I've spoken to about a hundred women, and in the workbook, I detail the most common ways women end up in narcissistic relationships.
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If that's something that interests you, you can find a link to the workbook in the description below.
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I'm going to share a story with you that really hits close to home for me.
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I was speaking to someone and she informed me that she did stay in her relationship for a long period of time because of the children.
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And I personally have grown up in a pretty healthy household, but I have seen the impact that a negative parent or a negative relationship, how that can affect the children.
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When I was 14 years old, I stopped going to my father's house.
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My father had been locked up periodically throughout my childhood.
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He wasn't absent.
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He just was locked up.
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And even from his jail cell, my father was taking care of me financially.
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He had people on the outside that helped take care of business.
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When he got out at the age of 14, I remember weekend after weekend, I would go and spend time at my siblings' house.
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Their mother would pick me up.
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Both our parents grew up with each other.
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They'd known each other since they were in grade school.
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But their mother, my stepmother, would pick me up and I would go spend time with my siblings.
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Well, when my father got back, the effect that he had over the family was extremely negative.
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We used to joke around, we used to play.
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It was a great experience.
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I had a great time with my siblings.
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But when he got out, he was toxic.
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He was negative to everybody.
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My siblings, the women he was with.
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And I was observing this at the age of 14.
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And I knew, okay, I'm at the age where I'm becoming a man.
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I'm developing more masculine traits.
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And something within side of me, the God with inside of me, my subconscious, was telling me, if I stay in this environment, I'll never become the person that I want to become.
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My father won't allow it.
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My father won't allow me to build my confidence and my strength.
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So I stopped going over to my siblings' house.
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Fast forward to the age of 18.
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My father actually called my mother one night and he asked her, he's like, hey, why doesn't my son want to spend time with me?
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Because throughout those last four years, my father would ask me, Hey, you want to come stay with me for the weekend after a football game?
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He was like, Hey, you want to come home, come over with us and stay with us?
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I would say no every time.
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I said, No, I'm good.
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I'm cool.
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So he reached out to my mom when I was 18.
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He asked her, Why doesn't my son want to spend time with me?
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She knew the answer, but she felt it was best that the two of us speak.
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So my mother hung up the phone with my father, told him to call me.
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My mother walked to my room and she said, Hey, your father's going to give you a call a call.
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And this is what he asked me.
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And I said, Why didn't you tell him?
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She said, You should talk to him about it.
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So my father did call me.
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I remember I was on my bed.
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I had my PlayStation controller in my hand, and I was playing John Madden at that time, right?
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So this is around 2006, 2005.
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My father, he asked me, like, hey man, so what's going on?
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You know, you don't ever come and stay with me and wondering what's bothering you.
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And I asked him, Do you really want to know?
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He said, Yeah, I really want to know.
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And I was like, You sure?
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He's like, Yes, I'm sure.
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And I told my father the truth.
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I told him that I feel like you show out more for the people who don't matter than the people who do matter.
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I feel like you want to get a lot of attention from people and pretend to be someone that you're not.
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And then we suffer from that.
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I didn't like the way that you treated my siblings.
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I don't like the way you speak to the woman that you're seeing.
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And I'm also becoming a man, and I feel like you will get in the way of that.
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He cussed me out.
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I put the phone on the bed, but I can hear him cussing me out as the phone is on the bed and I'm just playing my PlayStation.
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When the phone stopped shaking, I stopped hearing the sounds coming out of the phone.
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I picked it up and he's like, Hello, you hear me?
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I was like, Yeah, I heard you, which I didn't.
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He said, All right, and he hung up.
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A few days later, his my stepmother called me.
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She said, You know your father cried after that conversation.
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He cried.
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So I knew it meant something to him.
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It mattered to him.
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Even though he did not know how to communicate himself in an effective way at that time, I still knew in my heart my father cared.
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And I learned years down the road, years later, after we had another conversation, what was really going on within him.
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You know, and it was a part of my healing.
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With that being said, fast forward years later, I'm speaking to my stepmother, and then she's talking to me about the children, the children that my father spent the most time around.
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And she said, look at your siblings.
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Your siblings that spent time with their father, look at the impact he's had on their life.
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Look at their self-confidence, look at the things that they achieved.
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Basically saying that they didn't achieve much, but you look at his kids that did not grow up under his roof.
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We're all doing well.
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So I say that to say this.
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Staying in an unhealthy, abusive, toxic relationship because of the children, you don't do this because of the children.
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You do this because you don't truly believe you deserve better.
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And you're using this as a as an excuse to not become better.
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I don't know when this happened, but at some point in time, whether it was society, whether it was your family, or just other children, someone gave you an identity.
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And that identity told you that, hey, this is the best that I can do.
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This is what I deserve.
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Maybe you grew up seeing it.
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You grew up seeing toxicity within a relationship.
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Even if you watch relationships on television, you're either going to see a single parent or you're going to see two people arguing all the time.
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A lot of relationships, you have drama.
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That's the whole point of drama, it's entertainment.
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But those are our references.
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If we don't see it modeled in our home, we're going to get our idea of a relationship from the media.
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You may have already heard this before in many different ways.
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But ultimately, you have the power to change.
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You are not your mind, you're not your body.
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You own your mind and you own your body, but you need to find out who you really are.
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And the you is your connection with God.
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It's your spirit, it's your subconscious mind, it's your connection to the universe and everything it has to offer.
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A relationship with someone else is not going to make you a happier person.
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If you were to leave your relationship and jump into another one, there's a very good chance you will still attract the same kind of person because you're operating at a certain vibration.
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Claiming your I am, raising your confidence, getting your power is going to help you attract somebody that's a lot healthier.
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Your life isn't changing because you're living in these mental chains.
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You make excuses for your actions.
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You make excuses for their actions, but on a very deep level, you're making these excuses because you don't truly believe that you can change and that you can get something better.
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You know, it's weird.
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A lot of women, they'll get in these bad relationships because they don't want to deal with their own stuff.
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When I was 18, late teens, early 20s, I would intentionally get in relationships I knew were short-term.
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When I really liked a woman and she really liked me, I never invested into that.
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I never dated her, didn't do anything with her because I felt uncomfortable.
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On a very deep level, I didn't
believe I deserved to be loved in that kind of way.
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So I dabbled in short-term relationships.
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And in some way, shape, or form, you're doing the same thing.
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You're spending time with men you know who need help.
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You know they're broken.
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You know they're chaotic, but you've become comfortable in chaos.
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You know there's things that you need to work on within yourself personally.
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But instead of working on your own stuff, you invest into another person who has junk that they haven't dealt with.
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And this becomes your excuse and your distraction from healing, from doing the work that you really need to do to change your life and your relationships.
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These are only excuses.
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Another thing that I commonly hear is I'm just waiting on God to find me a man, to bring the right man into my life.
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God is not going to save you.
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You have to save you.
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God gave you all the tools that you need to live a prosperous life.
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There are people who are in better conditions, but I promise you, everybody has trials in life.
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And those trials that we experience are there to help us grow.
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God's intention is not for you to be somebody else's punching bag, to live life on a lower level.
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Think of it like this a part of God exists in each and every one of us.
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You have an ocean that's at one size, you have a lake that's at another size, and you have a cup of water that fits at another size, right?
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All three of those have components of water.
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The same components of water, the same components in that cup are the same components that are in that lake.
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It's the same components in that lake are the same components in that ocean.
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And it works the same way with our connection to source energy.
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God created the universe, the planets, the trees, everything around you.
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But we also have that same source energy that allows us to create.
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God isn't going to create for us.
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God gives us the opportunity to build a relationship with Him.
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And you build a better relationship with God by building a relationship with that God energy within you, listening to it, living from it, and walking in it.
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There's no reason for you to be fearful.
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There's no reason for
you to have anxiety.
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You have to walk as if God is walking right beside you.
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You don't need anybody else's approval.
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You don't need men in your life to make you feel like you're valuable.
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Value comes from the inside.
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And once you understand that, you'll no longer be in these relationships where you need somebody to fill a void for you.
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You attract somebody else who is whole because you're whole.
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You have to make the decision to change your mind.
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You have to make the decision to change your mind.
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I had to do it.
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I'm actually, I didn't even expect myself to be in this position 10 years ago.
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But you have to take those first steps to actually change your outcome.
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Your inputs affect your outputs.
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What does that mean?
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That means what you're watching, what you're listening to, the books you're reading, if you're reading books, everything that you're receptive to is going to have a direct impact on who you become, who you are, your I am.
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If you're unhappy with the type of relationships that you've been in, the people that you're attracting, take a break.
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If you find yourself dealing with these narcissistic men, the only thing they have in common is you.
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So what you really have to find out is what is it that you're doing that's attracting these kinds of men?
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What is it that you're doing that makes you receptive to these types of men?
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Because if it happened more than once, there's definitely something within you that likes these men.
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One thing I commonly see is that these women are love-bombed.
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So maybe you've been love-bombed.
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Maybe for you to feel good about yourself, you need male attention and validation.
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So the type of man who is insecure and needs that attention and validation as well, he's going to be texting you all the time because he doesn't have anything else going on.
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He's going to become whoever you need him to become.
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Because in the most cases, a lot of cases, people have a vision of the type of relationship that they want and they start to visualize the relationship with this person.
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And that person will sense that and they'll become the person they believe they need to be to make that relationship work.
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Maybe you're sleeping with people too fast.
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These are the types of questions that you need to ask yourself.
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What kind of relationship did you see modeled growing up?
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What obvious toxic traits are you bringing to the relationship?
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Are you verbally and mentally abusive?
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Are you manipulative?
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I had a conversation with a woman.
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She told me that the guy she was with, things started off great.
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Text her multiple times a day, saw each other at least twice a week.
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Things were cool for the first few months, but then after three to four months, it got very toxic, abusive.
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He accused her of the things that he was doing, basic narcissistic traits, lying, being very verbally harsh to her.
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And she didn't understand why it happened.
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The relationship ultimately fell apart.
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But there's something in her that is on the same vibration as this person.
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Now, I've had a few, actually three women so far, reach out to me about their businesses.
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Rather than reach out to me directly and send me an email saying that they wanted to talk about business, they went to my link, the link that I use for people to schedule meetings for my program, and they use that link to show up to basically promote their business.
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So when I jump on the call, I'm expecting a conversation about the Choose Better Method program.
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Instead, we're talking about their business.
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That's a very subtle sign of manipulation.
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I bet it's completely unconscious.
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My point is this that there's things that you're doing that are in your everyday life.
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It may not even be related to a relationship where you're showing up dishonestly, where you're being manipulative.
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And somewhere in your life, you're vibrating on that same level as that guy is.
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You need to figure out what that is exactly.
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Are you lying?
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Do you lie in different situations outside of a relationship?
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Maybe you lie within the relationship, but do you lie outside of it?
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You have to be honest with yourself and you have to want to change.
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Most people, period, do not want to change.
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They want to change their outcome, but they don't want to change their actions.
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And it doesn't work that way.
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You can't, if you want to play a classical piece on a piano, you're going to have to do the work to develop the skills to play that classical piece on the piano.
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See, a lot of you, you just want to play the cat classical piece.
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You don't want to do the work that involves finger place placement, chord progression, understanding the keys, feeling the music.
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You have to feel, you have to be on the same vibration.
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You have to feel and be in tuned with a certain type of person in order to attract that person.
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If you don't do that, it will never happen in your life.
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There's another thing I want to go over with you, something called the, it's called hypnotic rhythm.
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I got this phrase from the book, Outwitting the Devil.
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Hypnotic So the way hypnotic rhythm works is that there's a certain way in life that we naturally operate.
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You can expect as that that could be in the sign of maybe you had a relationship where you can time how long things will go well, how long things will go bad, how long things will go well right before they go bad.
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It's like we all we automatically have a rhythm to our life.
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What we eat, how often we work out.
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There's things that we do on an automatic process.
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And you need to get control of your hypnotic rhythm, your unconscious, automatic processes.
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And the only way you can do that, you have to make the conscious decision that you want to have a different outcome in your life.
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You have to fill your mind with the images of what you want your life to look like, what you want your relationship to look like.
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How does that person feel?
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How do they wake up in the morning?
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What is their hobbies like?
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What do they look like?
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And you have to think about that every day.
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Make sure you do it before you sleep, make sure you do it when you wake up.
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You have to become that person, become the person that you want to attract.
00:17:47.599 --> 00:17:50.799
Once you've done that, it's going to change your vibration.
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It's going to change your hypnotic rhythm, and it'll be a part of your everyday process.
00:17:56.319 --> 00:17:58.559
You have to want better for your life.
00:17:59.119 --> 00:18:01.599
I have conversations with people, they just want a vent.
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Nobody's trying to really invest into their self-improvement.
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You invest into your career, you invest into your education, but you don't invest into your spiritual health.
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The most important relationship you'll ever have in your life is not the relationship with another man, it's a relationship with yourself.
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Anyways, I'm Coach Jeron Brown.
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Leave a comment.
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I'd like to hear your thoughts.
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I'll catch you next time.
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Peace.