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Do you ever say yes to something and almost immediately wish that you hadn't?
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Or maybe you really want to say no, but then that guilt kicks in,
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like, what are they going to think? Are they going to be disappointed in me?
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Am I being selfish? But think about this, you guys,
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every yes you give is costing you something somewhere else.
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So today we're getting into boundaries, why saying no can
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feel so hard, and I'm going to give you exactly what I ask myself before
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I give someone or something my yes. Because once
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you start looking at your yes this way, you might realize that you've been giving
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it away to things that were never supposed to have it.
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Are you drowning in never-ending to-do lists and exhausted before the day even starts?
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Want simple steps to feel calmer, more present, and enjoy being a mom again?
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If you're nodding your head right now, this is for you. I'm Heather,
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wife, nurse, and recovering overwhelmed mom. I learned the secret of
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finding more time for myself without mom guilt and enjoying my family more by learning
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to let God lead. If you're ready for more balance, patience, and a
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faith that carries you through those hard days, grab your coffee and take me
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along. There's no perfect mom here, and we are not trying to be.
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Let's get into it. Hey mama,
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real quick, wouldn't it be awesome to have a community of Christian moms who are
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going through the same things that you are? Well, guess what? We do!
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Come join our free Facebook group. This is where we take what
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we're talking about here on the podcast and keep the conversation going all week long.
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You can get more support, more encouragement, and more help actually putting this
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stuff into practice in your everyday life. Head over to overwhelmchristianmom.com/group
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and come hang out with us. And if you are loving the show, would you
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take a second and leave a rating and review on Apple Podcasts? This helps another
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overwhelmed mom find the show and maybe hear exactly what she
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needs to hear that day. All right, let's jump in. I want
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to start with something that happened recently because it is such a good example of
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how hard saying no can actually feel, even when you
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know it's probably the right decision for you. We have a group of friends
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that get together pretty regularly, and on a Monday a
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message came through that everyone was getting together later that week. So immediately I
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started going back and forth about it, which honestly isn't
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normal for me because usually we're really excited for these get-togethers.
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But I already knew what our week looked like. We had
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something going on every night that week, and I knew that
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the kids were going to be tired and I was going to be tired by
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the time Friday rolled around, and that we really probably were just going to want
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like our Friday movie night at home by Friday. But I still felt
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so guilty saying no because these are our friends and we really do
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enjoy spending time with them. I didn't want them to think that we just didn't
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want to come, and I didn't want to feel like I was letting anybody down.
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So there was definitely that people-pleasing part of me that just wanted to
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say yes, let's figure it out later, and push through. But instead,
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I gave myself a little time to think about it before I answered, and by
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the end of the next day, I was like, yeah, no, we are definitely not
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going to add something else this week. So I went ahead and let them know
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ahead of time that we weren't going to make it. And you know what?
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I still felt bad. I knew why I was saying no.
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I knew what our week looked like. And what our family needed, but there
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was still part of me that was wondering if they were disappointed or upset with
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me for saying no. And you guys, this is important because
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if you struggle with people pleasing, sometimes you can set a perfectly
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reasonable boundary and still feel guilty about it. That feeling
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doesn't automatically mean that you made the wrong decision.
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I've had to learn that over the past few years because I used to say
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yes to everybody and everything. I didn't want to let anybody
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down, and I didn't want anybody to be upset with me. And eventually
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I got really overwhelmed and really burnt out.
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And that's when I started learning about boundaries and realizing that a
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boundary isn't something that you put in place to be mean to someone else.
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For me, a lot of it has been learning to recognize what
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I actually have room for and what I don't. And I think as moms,
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sometimes we look at our calendar and we think, well, you know,
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technically I'm free that night, there's nothing written in there, So I could
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do that. But just because something fits on our calendar
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does not mean it fits in our life. That Friday night
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was technically open for us. We could have gone.
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But when I looked at the whole week, I knew that we didn't
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need to fill that open space with one more thing. Your calendar
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also doesn't show everything that you're already carrying. It doesn't show how busy
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your kid's week has been or if you've been running every
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night or if you already have something going on the next morning and you need
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to get rest the night before. So before I
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give something my yes, I'm learning to look more at whether I can
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technically fit it all in. I wanna know what that
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yes is going to cost me because if I say yes to something,
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that time has to come from somewhere. And maybe
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it means less time at home with my family or maybe it means we're
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rushing through dinner to get somewhere. Or I'm adding something
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to a week that already feels so full.
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And sometimes the answer is still absolutely yes. There are things
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that are worth rearranging your schedule for. There are people we
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want to show up for. There are commitments we've made that we need to keep.
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This isn't about never being inconvenienced or only doing something
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when it feels easy. It's about being intentional before you
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commit. And you know, when I was thinking about this episode,
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I was really thinking about Nehemiah in the Bible and how he
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was rebuilding the wall around Jerusalem and Sanballat
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and the other guys that wanted him not to build the wall. They kept wanting
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him to stop what he was doing and, quote, come meet with
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them. And Nehemiah sends this response
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to them in Nehemiah 3:6. He says,
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I am carrying on a great project and cannot go down.
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Why should the work stop while I leave it and go down to you?
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And then the next verse says they sent him the same message 4 times,
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and each time he gave them the same answer. What stood
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out to me is that Nehemiah knew what he was working on. He knew
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what needed his attention. So
somebody else asking for his time
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did not automatically mean he needed to give it to them. And I think
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that's where boundaries can get hard for us, especially if you're someone who doesn't
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like disappointing people. Because sometimes we know exactly what needs our
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time and attention, but then somebody asks us for something and
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suddenly we feel like we need a really good reason to say no.
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And y'all, sometimes that really good reason is simply, I don't
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have the capacity to take that on right now. And that's
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something that I'm really trying to get better about. I don't feel like
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I have to give an answer the second someone asks me anymore.
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If it's something that's going to take my time or add another commitment,
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I can say, let me check my calendar, or let me think about that and
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get back to you. And then I actually look at it, actually think about it,
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I pray about it and see, do I have room for this? What is this
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yes gonna cost me? And probably the biggest question for me
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that I ask is, why am I saying yes? Do I genuinely believe
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I should do this? Do I want to do it? Does it make sense with
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what we have going on right now? Or am I just
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saying yes because I'm uncomfortable with somebody being disappointed that I said no,
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because I've definitely done that. And the problem with
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giving an automatic yes is now I've made the commitment. I either have
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to follow through when I really didn't want to have room for it, or I
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have to go back later and cancel. I would rather take a little time
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before I answer and give somebody an honest yes or no.
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Like, I want my yes to mean something too. If I tell somebody
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I'm gonna be there or I'm gonna do something, I I want them to be
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able to count on me. And then there's this other side
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of this that I think we forget sometimes, especially with things like volunteering,
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because your no can leave room for somebody else to say yes.
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And it can be really easy to think that, well, if I don't volunteer for
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it, who's going to do it? If I don't help with it, who's going to?
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Well, maybe somebody else. Maybe there's somebody else who has the
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capacity for it right now. And there's somebody that would really enjoy doing
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it. So just because you're capable of doing something doesn't
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always mean you have to be the one who does it. And learning that
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matters for our kids too. Part of what I'm trying to protect when I
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set boundaries around my time is my ability to actually be
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present with my family. Because if I fill every open spot
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on our calendar because technically we can make it work, eventually something
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is going to get squeezed. Sometimes saying
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no means we have an evening at home where we are not rushing everybody
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out the door, or it means I have more energy left to actually
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sit down with my kids instead of constantly thinking about where we have to be
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next. And my girls are watching how I handle all of this, and I
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want them to grow up knowing how to love people, serve people,
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help people and follow through when they make a commitment.
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But I also want them to know that they don't have to say yes to
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everything because they're afraid that somebody's going to be upset with them if they
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say no. So for this week, Mama, when somebody asks
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you something and you feel that automatic yes coming,
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especially if you know that you struggle with people
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pleasing, you do not have to answer right away. Give yourself
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enough time to actually look at what you're agreeing to.
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Tell them you will have to get back with them, and then ask yourself,
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does this fit my life right now, not just my calendar?
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Why am I saying yes? And what is this yes
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going to cost me? Maybe you look at all of that and your
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answer is still yes. That's great. Then you can give the
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yes and mean it. And if the answer is no, you can say that kindly
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too. You don't need to give a 5-minute
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explanation. You can simply say something like, we're not going
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to be able to make it, or I can't take that on right now.
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And if you still feel guilty afterward like I did, that is
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okay. You can feel that without letting it make the decision for
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you. Know what you have room for and what needs your time
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and attention in this season that you're in in motherhood, and just be a
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little more intentional about where you give your yes.
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Hey mama, I hope you enjoyed today's
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episode. If you're loving this podcast, you are definitely going to want
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to come hang out with us inside of our free Facebook community. We have
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weekly challenges, encouragement, and support from me, along with a growing
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community of moms who get it and are walking right alongside
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you. Plus, I've got plenty more planned for just the moms inside of this
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group, so you are going to want to be there. Check out the link in
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the show notes and come hang out with us. Also, would you just take 30
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seconds and leave a quick rating and review on Apple Podcasts
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for me? I love hearing how the podcast is helping you, and your reviews
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help other moms find this show. Okay, mama, go find wherever
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you left that coffee, give yourself some grace this week, and I will meet you
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back here on Tuesday.